Fit of Pique

Day 9 - Feelings, nothing more than feelings!

2012-01-27T23:27:00.000-06:00

Being a chronic dulls a lot of emotions. This is good and bad. It's good because all those bad emotions like sadness and anger are dulled out and you don't really care about it. Bad because those good feelings are ALSO dulled out. Also not feeling and thus not working through "negative" emotions keeps you stagnant.

I am having regular emotions again.

I get sad and angry and happy and content and all kinds of things I forgot I could feel. Sometimes I get surprised by tiny tears forming in my eyes because I am feeling something. And it's not necessarily something that is even happening NOW, it could be something from the past that I haven't thought about in a long time.

The other day I was thinking about my cousin Christopher who fell to his death in an industrial accident in 2006. I thought about the feeling of falling and the impossibility of saving oneself and I thought about how scary that must have been for him, and it made me really upset. Intellectually when it happened I knew all that, but for the first time I really really FELT it. And that shocked me. It was such a surprise because it has been six years and it felt so long ago now but I was a heavy user even then and I don't think I really processed it the way I should have at the time.

That kind of thing is going to keep happening to me, I know it. And I really can't do much else besides work through those feelings. I can't just switch to another substance and numb myself out, I have to confront all these old feelings I didn't feel.

I'm a bit worried. I feel like I didn't cry as much as I should have/would have about my last break up, and I am worried it is really going to hit me and make me upset all over again, in a deeper more fundamental way than when it was actually happening.

BUT I am also feeling this profound sense of joy and excitement about my life, like I am really living, REALLY living! And that also makes me feel a sense of awe, like I have potential I had forgotten about. When I was just starting my video/film career I was so optimistic and had big dreams, and I never really lost those dreams, but I lost the motivation and focus to actualize them. And for the first time in a while I feel hope, hope that I can actually get my career back on track and make something out of myself. I feel like I really could make a low budget guerrilla feature film that could get some attention. I feel like I just might be able to change the world in some way through my art.

And for the first time I have some positive thoughts about moving out of my Mom's house, like I could manage to earn enough of a living to pay for a rental property with a yard for Mister and get a queer/native roommate to help cover the rent. Like I could really live on my own again and even keep the place clean and make my own dinners. It's not going to happen right away, not for months. But I think it will happen. I can see it happening. I might even make enough to get a down payment on my own house in five years, which is something I really want.

Things are looking up. But this will mean I have to emotionally grow, and growth can be painful sometimes. Still, these feelings mean more to me than any high I got from pot. I think the only high I ever really liked was when I was 19 and went to the laser light show. But the rest of them are forgettable. Completely forgettable. Just something I did. I used to think really good things about weed. Now I just see how many hours and years I wasted getting stoned instead of having a life. I tolerated so much crap getting stoned. Crappy surroundings, crappy conversations, crappy food, crappy movies. I used to watch CSI and get stoned and forget how it ended and always be surprised when that episode came on again.

I don't know what else to write about today. I'm seeing my psychic so soon! I hope she says good things, although I know she is a realist who will tell me exactly what is going on. That's good though. I need to know that stuff.

I'm lonely for a girlfriend. But maybe I'm not even ready for one yet? I don't know. I think I could handle it. I think I could finally be a good girlfriend. I just don't know who.

I asked the love of my life if she wanted to spend time with me again. She just didn't respond at all. I can live with that. I think I will end up with the right woman, and maybe it isn't even her. Maybe there is someone I don't even know yet.

I have a more reliable gym buddy now, although she is leaving in a few months. But today we sat in the sauna after working out and it was awesome!

I am also thinking of getting Rosetta Stone and learning more German. More than my teeny tiny amount of German, I would like to be able to have a rudimentary conversation when I am in Hamburg this summer.

I finished a short Super 8 film which screened in Toronto tonight, and this spring/summer will be making a short video about being Butch and considering transitioning to male before changing my mind. And this spring I am putting in a grant application to the Canada Council to finally make Bunnyhug, with the most money you can get from the CC in Media Arts, but which is a far cry from the 250,000 digital low budget feature I could have made with CFC if only they had accepted my application. I am feeling pretty excited about all this creative output, and I think now that I have gotten clean, it is all realistic.

That's what's up. Things are going to keep changing, I know it. I just have to be prepared to ride it out and learn how to deal with life, sans weed.

Entrepreneurial Spirit!

2012-01-26T15:26:00.000-06:00

I'm working out later today, which makes me happy, but I am also happy about new developments with my video editing company, because I have a contract for a job! I met with my client today and went over the project and got the footage to import and the price was agreeable to her and so IT'S ON! This means several good things. One: I don't have to dip into my living allowance to pay for my company's MacBook Pro. Two: I will be able to afford to get Final Cut Pro X and renew my Incorporation for the year (I incorporated last year on Valentines Day!). And Three: I will be able to pay my web designer, who also did my logo and business cards, and we will both be happy! Besides that when I get paid all the money I will be able to put some more into equipment for my business and save up some for future pay cheques to myself. I have to make a living and my income is only guaranteed until the end of July. So I hope more work comes in and hopefully at the end my client will let me use an excerpt for my reel on my website. 'Cause I don't think it's very enticing for a video editing company to not have a reel on their website.

For the first time in a long while I feel optimistic about my company. I have crappy credit so I wasn't able to get a loan, but a while ago at the last meeting with the people at Praxis School of Entrepreneurship one of the people said I should use my companies income to purchase capital. But it was always a bit of a chicken and egg thing: I needed equipment to do work but I couldn't get the equipment unless I had work. UGH! But financially things have been going my way these days, which is a relief!

I'm so happy that I almost feel manic, although I know I am not because I have been diligent about taking my medication and I am not having bizarro thoughts of being uber special or things like that, getting messages, blah blah blah. Things are just working really well for me right now.

I think finally quitting pot has really helped. It would make me depressed and focus on the bad things in life, and my self esteem as a pot head wasn't good either. This clear feeling is miles better than the stoned feeling actually, I don't have that sense of guilt hanging over my head. And my feelings are REAL. It's a little weird adjusting to having emotions that aren't dulled and hazy. It's only been 8 days, I think at 14 days I will start noticing more differences, because that will be a long time, for me, to be clean.

Exercising has been really good for me too, I was always told it was a good mood stabilizer, but I never got into it, probably because I was smoking up and too lazy and apathetic to get to the gym or go for long walks. It increases my confidence too, to know I can go through a full body workout on the elliptical for fifteen minutes, or to do five minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph before going back down to 3 mph for ten. It's nice to set these little goals and actually reach them.

Now I am going to be using my brain for work, which also makes me feel pretty good. I get to exercise my creativity and logic and all those cerebral things involved in editing. And clearly being clean is REALLY good for that.

I hope this works out. I would hate to look for a J.O.B. job. Working for myself feels pretty good, although realistically I acknowledge my clients are my bosses while I'm doing a contract. My psychic once said I would live a comfortable life. So maybe I really will finally be able to be an editor, like I always wanted! It's my all time dream job.

I'm seeing my psychic soon! Woooooooooooooooo! I am so curious to find out what she has to say about my life now that all these things have happened in the last five years!

I still want to make a five year plan. I really should do that.

Woot! A Happy Thirza makes for a Happy World

2012-01-24T22:25:00.000-06:00

I've been having a really good day. I learned how to find Requests for Proposals online and how to read the RFP and how to write a proposal. So that was good. Then I went home for lunch and then went back out to see my Psych Nurse. I told her about all the good things going on in my life, like staying Quit for cigarettes for seven weeks, and quitting MJ last Wednesday and getting exercise at the Leisure Centres. She told me I was looking really good and asked for the name of the book that made me decide to get clean. And she gave me a CD to listen to when I am falling asleep to help me relax.

Then I came home and played with my new Macbook Pro (!!!!) and we went out for dinner to Prairie Ink. Then I came home and did some work typing up notes for my Mom's Indian Art History Class (I learned a lot about the Kwakiutl!) and then I did 1.48 miles on the treadmill in half an hour and burned 181 calories and sweated sweated sweated. It made me feel pretty good. THEN I got a request for a quote for my company. My first client! So stoked, I finally get to do some work! It's for a 90 minute documentary. Pretty exciting!

So it's been a good day. I also registered for an introductory workshop in Adobe After Effects, which would bring up my skill set and allow me to do more advanced editing and video manipulation. I'm happy about that.

Things are looking up! And you know, quitting weed hasn't been as hard as quitting cigarettes. Quitting cigarettes was so hard the first few weeks. It's gotten miles easier now, but the first bit was awful, even though I really wanted to quit for so long. I am hoping staying clean works out for me, because I can already tell I am much more productive and excited about things than I was before. Also I am smarter and have more energy and just feel pretty good.

Doing exercise to get endorphin highs and to help myself detox from mj is working pretty good. I really like it. I used to hate exercise. And I didn't want to be a fat hating fatty trying to get all skinny. But now I think I have better reasons to work out than changing my body. Although I would like to get into some weight lifting just to build up some muscle mass, like those cute muscles just below the shoulder on my arms.

Life is good. My super 8 film "Sight" is screening at the 8 fest in Toronto this Friday at 11pm. I hope the screening goes well. It's kind of a heavy little film, 3 min 23 sec. It might actually be 3 seconds longer than the film, I tried to time it right but I am not sure. I'm going to telecine it again when it comes back to me and slap some credits and the audio onto it and release it as a video. I feel pretty happy with how it turned out.

Now I am going out to tape some Northern Lights. I've been trying to get this footage for ages and because of the big Solar Storm, there are supposed to be AMAZING lights! I've been checking the Aurora Forecast, but I think I just have to go out and look around. HDV footage of the Aurora Borealis. I'm not sure what I will do with it yet, but it goes with some HD footage of fireworks that I shot a couple summers ago. I want to experiment.

Okay, well, that's all I have to report. Life's good. I have no dates, but I have my dog and cat and my health. And that's good enough for me!

Germans and their Cougar Labia

2012-01-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to get shit done. Getter done! I just finished my audio for my super 8 film and emailed it to the festival that currently has the reel for it. I hope it works out. We will see. I also sent off a question to the sales support folks at my webhost. I didn't get an invoice for another year of service and so I don't know if they will cut me off in a couple days or if they are letting me have another year without paying. I don't know! I also have to sort out this trip to Germany and this trip to Australia because suddenly the dates are really close and I think it's a little fucked up because I can't be two places at once. I really need to spend the whole month in Hamburg and when I made plans for the residency it was when I thought the trip to Australia was in April. Now it's at the same time. SHIT! Something has to change!

So that's up. And I also have to do some work related things like continue to work on my website for my company and get these business cards to the printer and then drop off the finished cards at various places about town. I also have to get my laptop and blah de blah, download the new Final Cut Pro which EVERYBODY hates because it's so different. But Avid Media Composer costs about as much as the laptop, which is WAY out of my current price range.

Sigh. WEIRD! I feel stoned and I haven't smoked up! Maybe it's residual THC in my body coming out to say hello. I talked with someone this weekend who has abstained for almost a year and she said you feel stoned every so often when it is breaking down in your body, cause it is stored in fat. Weird!

I didn't smoke up all weekend. I haven't smoked up since I quit on Wednesday. I'm feeling fairly determined to really hold onto my sobriety. I'm still drinking, probably indulged too much this weekend. But I didn't drink today and I won't for a few days. I'm feeling positive about the whole letting go of weed thing. It's taken me a long time to get to this feeling. I'm liking the clearness I have and the energy and the getting things done stuff. I am not missing it yet. I was going to be clean for a minimum of six weeks, but after talking to someone this weekend I am thinking maybe a year clean would let me understand more fully what life without it could be like. Saying I will quit forever scares me a little, not as much as it used to but I don't want to say forever just yet. Even in the 12 step programs they tell you to concentrate on being sober today and not worrying about the future.

I went to Regina this weekend for my Dad's opening and the Queer City Performatorium. Queer Performance Art! I really liked all the artwork I engaged with this weekend, and I liked seeing people I don't get to see often. I even liked the bus ride down there and back, I just listened to my tunes and looked out the window at the world going by.

It was pretty awesome. And I ended up only passing by people smoking up once, and didn't feel like I should linger and get a puff. I didn't really care.

I haven't smoked a cigarette for six weeks and five days! :D This is really exciting, almost three weeks longer than my last quit. Not as long as the six months I once did without smoking, but pretty good. It feels real now, like I can really do it and am doing it and will never smoke another cigarette again! And my self esteem is so much better. SO MUCH BETTER! I feel like I am not being so stupid as to put myself at risk of dying painfully and slowly.

I go to see my psych nurse on Tuesday. I know she'll be happy to hear about my quitting weed, she's been fussing about my using for years. And now I won't have to hear about how I have to quit, which is good. She can nag pretty good. And my Mom is way happier that I am not using. She will probably find other things to pick at me about, but there is one less thing to fuss about.

And I am also happy that I don't have to go outside in the terrible cold and feel embarrassed that I am spreading a skunky smell all over the neighborhood.

I hope my cheque comes tomorrow. I really want to get my laptop. I would be so relieved to have a functioning computer that is all mine.

So life is good. I am good. I am getting clean and letting my psyche be healed by the passage of time. I am still curious about getting to an online Marijuana Anonymous meeting, but the timing hasn't worked out yet, and I couldn't do it while I was in Regina.

I want to get the workbook for the secular sobriety folks, I think I would feel more comfortable working out my issues with that. I know I have to make some other changes to my life because using for 14 years has impacted how I think and behave I am sure. I can stop being sneaky, which is nice, cause I hate being sneaky even though I know all the spots in Saskatoon and Vancouver where you can smoke up and not get caught. I don't have to worry about getting into legal trouble, which is nice. Although if people snoop around on me before hiring me and find out I used to smoke drugs, they might be less inclined to give me a job. But would I want to work for that kind of an asshole anyway? I don't think so. And there are lots of other reasons people wouldn't hire me, like being a queer native woman with a bachelors degree. And having pink hair currently.

Sigh. I did find out someone will give me some work when they have funding. But who knows when that will be.

I didn't exercise all weekend. I missed it. I really want to get to the field house tomorrow and hop on the elliptical.

Someone found my blog by googling Cougar Labia. Someone from Germany. Ha ha ha!

Can a book do that?

2012-01-19T21:01:00.000-06:00

I was looking for a book in the library on quitting smoking and then when I didn't find one I wanted to read I started looking in the section on recovery from addiction. I found this book called Clean: a new generation in recovery speaks out written by Chris Beckman from the Real World. I looked at it a bit more in the car and felt like maybe I was too old for it since it was geared towards youth in recovery. But as I read it doing my silly loop around on the bus it started making me think about poor decisions I had made while stoned and being in pursuit of highs, decisions that lead me to lose a really good job and a cheap place to live. And as I read about all this crazy shit Chris had been through during his using years, I realized I was not that different really, my using was not special or safe because it was mostly marijuana. I still put myself in dodgy situations and screwed up certain parts of my life, like being so stoned I didn't care to clean my house or myself or do work or make art even, something I had been so passionate about during art school and even high school.

So I read the whole book cover to cover in a few hours. It wasn't a long book, but it was still a lot of information to digest. I found myself being irritated by all the mistakes he and other people in the book had made, and then it made me irritated with myself.

The last time I used was yesterday at noon. I didn't really mean to quit yesterday, I just got tired of what little I had left and didn't bother to keep smoking it. I HAVE meant to quit smoking since before new years, since years before then even. It was on my list, to do my six sober weeks and then decide what to do about it after doing that. Like if I should go back to it or not.

It's time to do my six sober weeks. I am going to keep drinking, for now, because I don't feel as compelled to drink as I do to smoke. But I am going to try really hard to abstain from that thing I love that has fucked up my life.

I don't like NA, but I did find the online Marijuana Anonymous meeting schedule and wandered into a chat room where I got some informal support. Which helped. I felt shy and sheepish, so I didn't stay long.

I worked out tonight on the treadmill because I hear exercise is really good when detoxing, since marijuana is fat soluble and so burning off some fat is just good to get it out of your system. Also I drank a whole pot of chamomile tea to relax myself. I got that a while ago because I know I am going to get SUPER BITCHY and generally unpleasant to be around for a while. It could be weeks. I am not looking forward to it. But smoking up just to put off the inevitable irritability isn't going to work. It will just keep me in the hamster wheel of marijuana addiction.

I think marijuana should be legalized. I think there are people who can use it responsibly. I just don't think I am one of those people.

It's been 33 hours since I have smoked up. I am going to try to hold on to that. I'm going away for the weekend and I know I will be around someone who may smoke up a bit while I am with them. That makes me a nervous. I should really just tell him straight up that I am trying to stay clean. He would respect that I think.

Wow. A book on becoming sober might have helped me become sober. The library, is there anything it can't do?

Tired of this shit

2012-01-12T18:32:00.000-06:00

I'm really frustrated with Canada these days. I'm sick of colonization, I am just so FUCKING SICK of being a colonized person. My land is being desecrated by some assholes in parliament who want to further colonize us through evangelical values being imposed on the population. It sucks. I don't want Steven Harper in my country, I think all of us Natives should just run him out on a rail. He should be banished to America!

And our rights are getting eroded away. He just annulled all of the same sex marriages of foreigners who have been using their Canadian marriage licenses to secure equal rights as spouses in their countries. What an asshole thing to do.

That reminds me of a great plan I have to make asshole stickers and put them on the back ends of cars that park badly. Like those big shiny trucks that straddle two parking stalls so that they won't get scratched. I always want to key them, but I think I would get into less trouble if I put an asshole on their rear end. I would make them look like Vonnegut's asshole from Breakfast of Champions, a little cartoon asterisk.

I should put an asshole sticker on Steven Harper's car. Someone get me a grant so I can go to Ottawa and do it!

I'm tired of being oppressed. That's all it is. I'm tired of the level of racism in Canada towards Indigenous people. I'm tired of the fact that over 600 aboriginal women have gone missing or been murdered and nobody else cares. I'm tired of the police state our country is becoming. I'm tired of being involved in dodgy wars with questionable aims. I'm tired of people here resigning themselves to waiting around until 1215 instead of actually DOING something. I'm tired of worrying if I will ever really be able to be married or if the world is going to go backwards and I will lose my chance because some dickwad defined marriage as being between one man and one woman.

We need proportional representation. I'm sick of the way our democracy is corrupt to the core, yet we act like we're some forward thinking nation compared to the rest of the world.

So yeah. I guess it's time to make more activist art again. I don't know what else to do, I'm an artist, and art can be useful in times like this. Just think of Act Up and Gran Fury bringing the AIDS epidemic to the public discourse. It's a hopeful way of looking at the world. I don't know that I can change the direction the country is headed, but I can try.

Money is the root of all poopy stuff!

2012-01-11T18:52:00.000-06:00

I am waiting for $1000 for living allowance for January from Saskatoon Tribal Council and it is already the 11th. Apparently my cheque was ready on Monday, but then someone locked it up and got sick and went home with the key and won't return phone calls. So my cheque is locked up until this person gets better. SHITTY! I am so broke! And I hate being broke. It's been a pissy month with lots of borrowing money and that sucks too because I am made to feel so badly about it. And I can't do anything about it because I certainly don't have the key to the cabinet that holds my cheque.

The only thing I don't understand is that it was ready Monday but when I went on Monday I was told it wasn't ready and to come back the next day. And by the next day it was locked up and Ms. Lady was sick.

Sigh! I have shit that needs doing! I hate having people toy with me over money. I suppose I should just get used to it if I am running a business. People are assholes!

Anyway.

I am still exercising! I went to the field house yesterday and did a bunch of exercising and even did the elliptical for five more minutes than the last time, and it wasn't as hard this time! I thought I had more muscley bits in my tummy but Laurel said a few days of exercise wouldn't make that much of a difference so fast. But I am starting to feel a little stronger, even though it is probably a miniscule difference.

I knitted a bunch today. It was good, I am almost halfway done my scarf! :D

I also booked an appointment with my psychic. It's time for me to find out more! I need to know about a few things, like my future romantic life and my current business I am trying to get off the ground. Last time I saw her I was also looking for direction and it really helped. I am hoping I will get some direction again. It's been five years! That's enough time between readings. The last time I went she told me about many things that ended up happening. She didn't tell me about my oncoming major manic episode, but she did tell me about a break up that was pretty much directly related to that episode. She also told me about being rejected for some film thing I applied to. She said "I don't want to say it's fixed, but you won't get it." Which I didn't.

She did tell me in the long term I would live a comfortable life and that I would go far. But I need more confirmation, because so far it has been me being broke living with my Mom.

Plus I really need to know some personal stuff. Which I will hopefully find out.

I've still got to sit down and write out some goals I want to reach in setting up my business. Right now I am focused on marketing issues, like getting my website and business cards done. But I have to write reports to my funders WHO STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME MY CHEQUE so I need to have more concrete things to report about my business advancing.

I don't even know if I should be living with my Mom, but Mister the dog needs a backyard to be a happy boy and barks too much for an apartment anyway. And I can't afford a house on my own. Maybe when I get a girlfriend I can. Sigh. Living with Mom, such a frowned upon living arrangement.

Good News!

2012-01-09T23:34:00.000-06:00

I just got some good news today. I saw the postperson leaving and went to get the mail and found two slim envelopes, one addressed to my Mum and the other one addressed to me, from the Sask Arts Board. Mum and I opened them up and we both got our grants!

This means two major things:

I can go to Germany to do my residency.

I can get a new laptop.

The residency is a ways off yet, but as soon as I get my cheque I am going and getting myself a new computer. My computer is from 2003 when I got a grant to write a screenplay. I am getting a 15 inch Macbook Pro. And some software. It will be a big relief to have a functioning computer, since as you can imagine, my computer is really obsolete. You can't even put new software on it anymore because it doesn't have intel. And the caps lock was always getting stuck. And the search function wouldn't work. It is a shitty computer. It was fast and shiny and amazing in it's day.

It's almost ten years old! I have an ancient piece of technology!

I am finishing up writing the monologue for my film Sight. It's simple. I am going to record tomorrow.

I got myself a backpack in anticipation of my new computer, a backpack especially for computers with a snug little pouch inside that will fit my computer exactly! I've also decided it is finally time to sign a cell contract and get an iPhone. I promised myself as soon as I got enough money to pay for it with a three year contract, I would get one. And now is the time! Well, in a few days. Because I had to mail back a form with my social insurance number on it so they could process it.

I am a Canadian. I say process Pro-cess. Not Prawcess. Which is American in the extreme.

Anyway, the cheque will be mailed sometime this week. I really hope I get it on Friday.

Then I could sit in my room all weekend playing with my iPhone and my lappy.

I got my hair cut today. I am trying to keep on top of my hair better by getting it cut more regularly. And refreshing the dye. I think I'm okay for a bit though. And I am taking my coat to get dry cleaned, because it's really dirty. In the meantime I am wearing my ridiculous green coat.

And I went to deep water aquasize tonight! Mum got a leisure card today so we went with my friend Laurel. It's nice doing all these different things to exercise. I am liking the feeling I get after exercising, I am going to continue.

I got a book on Transcendental Meditation at the Library, but they aren't going to tell me how to do it, just how well it works. It's disappointing.

Exercising

2012-01-08T21:56:00.000-06:00

On Friday night my friend took me to the Saskatoon Field house where we worked out. I did the elliptical for the first time ever for ten minutes and wore myself out, then we biked for fifteen minutes and walked on the treadmill for fifteen minutes and then did a mile on the track. It was really fun. I think I need more gym buddies. I can use all the leisure centres in Saskatoon until October. It has such potential, having a leisure card that I got because I was on welfare. But it's been under utilized.

I hear exercise is really good when detoxing from that thing I love. It's something to keep in mind. Today I went to use the treadmill, but the magnet that is supposed to be the emergency stop went missing so I got mum's beading needle magnet on a little telescoping stick and taped it to the treadmill. It worked. Then mum found the real magnet, but I didn't want to interrupt my stats on the treadmill just to change magnets.

It made me sweat, which surprised me. I was so sweaty! Mum is thinking of asking her friend to trade the treadmill for an elliptical. That would be sweet too, although I feel afraid of doing 30 minutes on an elliptical.

I'm not exercising with a goal to lose weight though, I just want to have better muscles and more strength. I don't care if some extra padding hangs around.

The roommate situation has calmed down for now, so I am glad about that.

And I am still not smoking. It has been 4 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 29 mins.
And I have saved: 121.37 Dollars by NOT smoking 399 cigarettes! I was even working in close proximity with a smoker on Saturday and I didn't feel like I wanted one at all. It was good. I am making some major changes in my life finally. It's like I have obsessed over being better about exercise and quitting smoking and other things for years and finally they are starting to happen. Good things could be around the corner!

I read about warm or room temperature lemon water being good for you, so I tried it. Lemons are kind of expensive though, 1.25 a lemon! That's not right!

I confess though, I didn't eat my beans at supper. I didn't even put them on my plate. I should have. Maybe I can eat a fruit to make up for it.

I'm in the middle of making my Super 8 film for the 8 fest. I am trying to get it done for Tuesday so I can slip it in the mail. My friend Shavonne and I coloured all over my Super 8 with twelve different sharpies. So now there is just the soundtrack to do. I'm a little bit blocked, but I can see it starting to come together.

I only have the next two years of my life planned out. I think I want to come up with a five year plan. The last time I had a five year plan was when I got out of high school. Now if someone asked me where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't know.

It would be easier to make a five year plan if I knew if I was going to be single or not. I'm not really sure. Anyone could happen. I wish I could go see my psychic and get some kind of timeframe for how long I will have to wait before I get into a real relationship. I just really want to finally be able to change my relationship status, because even though there was a steady stream of hotties I had crushes on, there was never any established relationships for the whole time I have had facebook.

I used to hide my single status, just to have some mystery about the whole thing, but it wasn't as exciting as being able to put Thirza Cuthand is in a relationship with Betty Bear or whoever.

There probably is a Betty Bear who's going to kick my ass for using her name. I should have used Mary Jane Doe.

I'm getting close to being mostly sober. I think I can do it. I just have to get a good support network. And not NA because they swear too much. I'm scared. I don't know who I will be without it. It could be good. I won't know unless I try. And I can still drink alcohol. For now. Last night I had one beer all night and didn't care. If I just had to quit drinking, I would have an easy time.

I think that my addiction requires elements of substance abuse recovery and basic smoking cessation techniques. I dunno. I have to do more research.

But at the same time, I don't want to change everything all at once.

The high from exercising is really nice. Maybe I should change my interests from substances getting me high to more natural highs. Like exercise and meditation. What else gets you high? OH RIGHT! Sex! I could give up pot for sex, that would be easy!

Echoes in my Heart

2012-01-02T23:10:00.000-06:00

Beatrix ISN'T being given away ASAP anymore. Now we are giving her a month to calm down and stop peeing on clothes and in the laundry basket and stuff. I hope she does calm down, because she is pretty sweet. And she's a manx, so she has a little stump tail and that is really cute. People always ask me what happened to her, like she had her tail chopped off or something. I call her Stumpy sometimes. Deanna thinks she is self conscious of not having a longer tail, but I don't think she cares.

Tomorrow will be FOUR WEEKS of not smoking! I've got to keep going! I am so close! I just have to keep not puffing and not hanging around people who are smoking cigarettes. I can do it! And after that I'll finish off my first official month as a non-smoker. I really want to stay smober. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally as a result of not smoking. My self esteem is even better. Like I have found a strength I can nurture.

I am wrestling with emotions about various women in my life, as in romantic interests and past romantic interests. One old crush is kind of pissing me off. Mostly just because I think she likes having lots of people like her but not really being serious. Like toying with people's emotions. And I got over my crush a long time ago and didn't care very much, but now I am just feeling irritated.

And then just when I thought I was getting over someone else she was actually being sort of sweet and it made me melt a bit and I am back where I was liking someone who doesn't want to be with me. BUT I know we would be so good together! I feel like we would just make sense being with each other. And I've never had such good sexual chemistry with anyone else before. And even the kisses were the all time best kisses of my life EVER and I've kissed a lot of people, some of whom were much older with much more experience kissing. But these were just dreamy kisses. Oh man. The kind of kisses where you don't want them to ever end, where your lips linger on each others at the end like neither person really wants to stop.

It would totally change my life if she gave me another chance. But I think she is through with me. I did meet someone who seemed like the kind of person I could settle down with, but she's not really a possibility even though we had our moments of bliss. I know even if I didn't get back together with the One I want to be The One, I would eventually find another One. It wouldn't be the same though, at all. I have these really sweet submissive feelings about that One and I've never felt them with anyone else before. I'm usually more on the masochistic side than the submissive side. The two don't always go together. But in this case they are both there. Sigh, and then the memory of those kisses still echoes in my heart.

Plus she was really fun to talk to, she was so smart and knew about all kinds of things and you could have a conversation with her about anything. And sometimes she seemed so deadly serious so it was fun to make her laugh about something.

Plus I gave her my virginity when we were teenagers. And for a while I thought it was a mistake, because she didn't want to be my girlfriend and my first girlfriend was actually someone else. And we lost touch and all kinds of things happened to me and because of me and then I found her one day after I moved back to my hometown. And not through facebook either, or classmates, just from google! And we were close for a while until it all went to hell because I got sick. And then we might have been close again except I blacked out some of the time when I was crazy and I didn't remember what I changed my password for my email to, nor did I remember the answer to my security question, for something like three years! And she had sent an email wondering how I was. But I didn't get it for a really long time.

It's kind of a tragic story really. They say bipolar disorder destroys relationships pretty frequently. It makes me worry. After I got diagnosed it took me a really long time to find someone I liked who wanted to be intimate with me, and I think part of that had to do with stigma. Then when I did have someone sweet, I acted out because I was out of control because I went off my meds.

And falling in love is actually super stressful, even if it is the second time you have fallen in love with that person.

I blame my psychic. I wouldn't have this problem except for a cryptic thing she said. She saw what was going to happen when I went crazy and we broke up or whatever, and it made her go "WOAH! That is a messy breakup!" And then she said "Oh! You could make a go of it. But you will always be suspicious." And I immediately thought, suspicious of what? But now I don't even care if I am suspicious of something, I just keep thinking about that glimmer of possibility that the spirits she was consulting with alluded to. Could we? It's haunted me ever since, because of all the women I have ever loved, there was only one I actually seriously wanted to marry.

I've never lived with a lover. I don't know what it is like being with my beloved on a daily basis. Trying to negotiate how to keep a home. I just never dated someone I felt that sure about I guess.

I still have this three year plan in my head. It goes like this. Year One: Dating. Year Two: Living together. Year Three: Getting engaged and getting married at the end of the year. I feel like I don't want to rush into anything. Maybe I would rush anyway. But I don't know, going through all those stages of a relationship is important I think. How will you know you want to marry someone if you don't live with them first? How will you know you want to live with someone if you don't spend at least a year just on dates?

So I don't know who I will get to do the three year plan with. But the other thing my psychic said is I would get together with someone I would be with for the rest of my life.

And that's all I have ever really wanted. I've always been looking for a forever with somebody. I am going to turn 34 in April. I feel like I am finally ready for it to happen.

A New Beginning: 2012

2012-01-01T16:09:00.000-06:00

All beginnings are new actually, so it's kind of a redundant title. But I wanted to open with something that sounds inspiring.

I didn't have a cigarette this New Years Eve, even though I was at a bar and could have just walked out and bought one from someone standing outside in the cold with fifty cents. BUT NO! I used my money for drinks and some other stuff and I had a good time, I didn't even really think about cigarettes until someone asked me if I was going to smoke. I said no. Because I don't even really WANT to smoke. It grosses me out. And I read this quit smoking quote that went something like "If I smoke I will be back where I started, and where I started was wanting to be where I am now." It's true. I hated smoking. I just wanted to give it up. And I did give it up over and over and over. I just kept going back to it, it would start with thinking one puff wouldn't hurt and I could go back to my quit. But I didn't go back to my quit after that puff, it lead to another puff, and another, until I was at the store buying cigarettes again because everyone was annoyed with me bumming theirs. Bad bad bad!

Ironically, I was going to cap off the year by puffing on that thing I love that isn't tobacco, but nobody had any last night! :O It was shocking! I was going to puff away and then try six sober weeks. But there was nothing to be had. Sooooo, I dunno. Should I just go straight into my six sober weeks, or should I get some stuff and have a last hurrah? I get paid tomorrow, and I have to see The Dude anyway to pay him back some money. It would make sense to get some. But maybe I am just making excuses. My brain is trying to come up with any flimsy reason to buy more. Flim flam!

This week we start using our leisure cards. I am going to fork out the thirty bucks to get acquainted with the gym equipment. I want some muscle definition in my arms. I don't care about a flat tummy or even losing weight, I just want to know I will have stamina when I am finally having sex again. Some girls take a really long time to climax and it sucks to have your arm give out when they are on the verge. I suppose by this logic I should also be licking a lot of ice cream cones. What the hell can you do to exercise your tongue? Tongue twisters? I dunno. Ululating?

Maybe.

Kissing would be good tongue exercise, but I have no one to kiss, so that's out.

And yet because I quit smoking, I am so much more kissable! :D I would actually taste nice, not like a divine ashtray.

I have to get serious about my business. BLAH! I don't even feel like writing about all the things I have to do regarding that. But I should make myself a plan for the next six months of what I am going to do.

This week we will HOPEFULLY find out about the grants we applied for, Mum applied for a grant to make some new work and go to a bead store in Washington (the state), and I applied to do a video about being butch and also do the editing in Hamburg at a residency. So I don't know what will happen, I hope I get it. I've been feeling very discouraged about grants these days. The last two years I have only gotten travel grants. Also I am thinking about getting started on writing a production grant application, which will be due April 1st in the Aboriginal Section. I'm nervous about that too, because you can only apply with a project twice and then that project is killed if you don't get your grant. Which is what happened to my Mars video, which is sad because I thought it was a really good idea and would have advanced my career a lot.

Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.

I'm interested in telling stories about queer folks that are about larger topics and just happen to have queer characters in them. Like Bunnyhug is a queer film but it's really about going crazy. That kind of thing.

I have to call PAVED Arts on Tuesday and rent some equipment, but they don't have a list of their mobile equipment on their website anymore, which is problematic!

Automatic problematic.

There is a small child here and both the other adults who look after him are sleeping. So I am stuck being a child wrangler. I'm not doing a very good job of it either, right now he is turning the water on and off.

I moved my bedroom upstairs on Friday. I am liking it so far, but I dislike that I can't shut the door or the dogs and cat freak out in the middle of the night and paw at it and scratch it, and it doesn't matter if they are in or out of the room, they paw at it either way.

I did come to a major decision though. Beatrix Kitty has started peeing on everything, so I am going to let her go to a different home. If she keeps peeing on their stuff, then I am going to suggest she move to the country and be a barn cat. It sucks, because she is a really sweet kitty, but I can't stand it when cats pee on my stuff. It's a dealbreaker for me.

Anyway, three dogs is enough, we don't need a cat too.

Oooh! I gotta go! Cripes! Maybe I will write more laterz!

The Futility of Desire, or; the Phantom of the Oprah

2011-12-30T14:41:00.000-06:00

I have had an unprecedented amount of unrequited crushes in my life. It kind of sucks! I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep picking such unattainable women to fall for. I often wonder if it's because subconsciously I don't feel deserving of a mutually loving relationship. There's got to be something going on! Sometimes I wish I had a real counselor and not just a psych nurse.

I was doing alright for girlfriends between the ages of 19 to 23, then it all kind of petered out and I ended up falling in love with women who became friends and nothing further over and over. I've had an unrequited crush for four years at a time sometimes. That's a long time to be romantically preoccupied with someone who doesn't even want to have sex with me! Oh man.

So you can understand why I feel like desire is totally futile.

I wonder what will happen to me the day it ISN'T futile anymore? Will I have a really hard time adjusting to being with someone who really wants me as much as I want them? Will I get all scared because it hasn't happened for years and run away as fast as I can? Will I get all jerky and crabby to drive them away? Will I get stressed out because I am in love and go insane? It's worrisome.

But not as worrisome as the alternative, which is that I spend the rest of my life alone continuing to get unrequited crushes and feeling depressed like the Phantom of the Opera, which I almost spelled Oprah. Yes, the Phantom of the Oprah.

Here's something to make you cry, it's from Post Secret about sad love.

I am tired of sad love. Well anyway, enough of this blogging for now, now I am off to keep slowly moving all of my bedroom things upstairs to my new bedroom. I will think of a good New Year's Eve blog to end the year with!

New Years Re(s/v)olutions

2011-12-29T16:00:00.000-06:00

I am doing my annual hunt for worthy New Years Resolutions. For the first time in years, quitting smoking isn't on my list, because I already HAVE quit and I just have to stick to it. It's been over three weeks now, and I am doing much better. I did dream again last night about smoking, but I just brushed it aside when I woke up and it hasn't bothered me.

So OTHER resolutions. Well, I do still want to exercise more. My mom and I are planning on going to the leisure centres to do Aqua Boxercise this year. I hope we do it, it would be so fun! I only did it once last year, pretty silly since I had a leisure card.

I should commit to doing my laundry more often, it would make me look a lot less shabby. Shabby lady! I am going to otherwise care for my grooming more. Like not walking around with bed head all day anymore. And being sure to brush my teeth twice a day. And flossing, which I was going to try and do last year but I forgot.

Intellectually, I think I need to commit more time to reading. I need to read a variety of things too. I don't know what kind of goal to set around reading. A book every two weeks sounds about right. I will need to get my library card ship shape then, because I have really bad fines on it. UGH!

Creatively I am going to stick to my goal of making two videos a year. I will be done this Super 8 film in the next couple of weeks, and then I have my butch video I will hopefully get a grant for. I am also going to be applying this year for production funds to make Bunnyhug. I hope I get some cash! I really want to do my feature and it's not like Telefilm is going to give me any money before I have made a feature. It's so complicated. You must produce a feature to be eligible to get money to produce a feature. ??????

And I am going to keep trying to get into good writing habits of writing everyday, even a little bit. Not necessarily always in this blog, but writing anything, bits of my novel, a short story, a poem, a grant application, whatever. I must increase my output!

My big challenge this year though is to accomplish 6 sober weeks from that thing I love. After 6 weeks I am going to re-evaluate how I am doing from where I began and decide if I am going to stay clean. I have meant to do this for a really long time. If it turns out I am doing way better, then I think I will try to hang on to my clearness. I'm also very curious about how it will impact my creativity, since that is my most important aspect of my life being an artist and writer. And if it will allow me to be more productive, which is also important. It's all an experiment. But it's exciting.

The thing I have worried about is how irritable I know I will get and wondering when I can expect it to end. I don't want to be a bitch forever. And I don't want to fuck up relationships (not Relationships cause I don't have one) with friends and family because I'm withdrawing from weed and am all crabby and jerky. I wish I could write a big disclaimer and stick in on my forehead, some kind of apology in advance. It's probably what I am worried about the most.

Quitting smoking has made me think it's more possible to quit weed for a while anyway. I'm still obviously ambivalent about giving it up forever, but at the same time I know I would save a lot of money and probably feel way better. Who knows, maybe even the amount of psych meds I am on would go down. Maybe I could even go off Risperidone. That might be nice, then I could do mushrooms again. Ha ha, I'm kidding. Am I? O.o

You can find magic mushrooms on lawns in Surrey!

Aw, I still remember that time I did mushrooms and they worked. That was so fun. Oh man. That was that magical winter before I went crazy and everything went to hell. Damn.

I'm going to be busy this year. I'll be in Germany for a month this summer if all goes as planned. I will also be in Australia at some point for a couple of weeks. And then when I get home I will find out if I got my production grant for Bunnyhug. AAAAARG! I hate that, it'll be the third summer in a row where I run out of cash just before finding out if I have a grant. HOWEVER, if I work really hard at advertising and doing sales calls, I might have enough clients for my business that I can earn a living on my own. And then I won't have to worry, because I will already be booked up for work in August. That's the only way to save myself! I have to plan for this way in advance, because the last two summers have been shitty for being broke ass Thirza in August when all the fun events happen in Saskatoon like the Fringe and the Exhibition and Folk Fest. And I don't want to have to stay home again.

All of this, of course, means that I absolutely must not have a manic psychosis this year. Or at least wait until September to have one. Ha ha, no, none at all! Nyet!

If all goes according to plan then fall 2012 will be spent auditioning and location scouting and so forth, and then I will be shooting my feature just before the Solstice. When the WORLD ENDS AND THE ALIENS LAND!

And then I will apply for post production funding, and end up waiting until August for the fourth year in a row.

Oh man!

I am coming up with new coping mechanisms for holiday stress!

2011-12-26T13:54:00.000-06:00

This Christmas was different for me because while I drank, I actually didn't drink that much. I had two drinks on Christmas Eve and maybe four drinks on Christmas Day, spread out over several hours. I felt a lot better. I was clearer and I dunno, it was just nicer.

I also avoided smoking even though all my cousins were smoking all around me. I have cut back on my nicotine lozenge intake too, which is good, I am just forgetting to take the odd one now and then. It's just happening really naturally. I'm not even thinking hard about cutting down on them.

Oh Jeez I just stopped the wiener dogs from attacking Beatrix Kitty! Poor Beatrix Kitty! :O

But it worked out better this year. Except for my alcoholic roommate problems. My cousin got spectacularly drunk on Christmas Eve and it pissed me right the fuck off. I am just getting sick of dealing with this shit in my own home. Once he's gone I think we should make a commitment to only live with other females. Without drinking problems! Oh man. I never grew up with alcoholics in my daily life, and I've been fortunate enough that my roommates while I was an adult didn't have drinking problems. So this is all new to me. And it's just going on and on and I don't see him ever getting sober, to be honest. And I am now worried it is impacting my stability, because I need a stable home life to maintain my sanity! And I really don't want to end up in the hospital again. Twice was quite enough!

Damn.

I hate this.

If he doesn't quit or leave I might have to move out. Something has to majorly change, it can't keep going on like this.

So that's what I was thinking about all of Christmas day, and I looked on Kijiji for pet friendly housing and the rent was like 850 in this different places and up. Shitty. Right now I pay 500. And for the next six months I am only making 1000 a month. So I don't know what I am going to do.

And Mister needs a backyard where ever we go, and very few carpets.

It's a mess. I know Steven needs a good place his son can come and visit, but I also need a stable house without some drunk bothering me every five minutes and drinking all my booze because he doesn't know when to stop.

Once when I got screened for drug and alcohol problems, the results said while I had problems with marijuana, alcohol use wasn't a big issue in my life at all. And alcohol abuse and being a pothead are two very different things, I have discovered. Potheads just get laidback and sleepy and hungry, but alcoholics turn into different people. SUCH different people. It's like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde kind of stuff. It's weird!

That's why I don't like it.

Addiction is weird.

Well anyway. Today I am going for coffee and doing some knitting with my friend Daniel. I have gotten really into knitting, and I have finally knit enough that I feel like maybe I will have a scarf by February. Plus I will have someone to talk to about this terrible home situation

Stressed to the Max! UGH!

2011-12-22T22:48:00.000-06:00

I can see why so many people kill themselves this time of year. UGH! It is majorly stressful. And it is like this every year. I want to celebrate Christmas away from the larger family. There are too many of them and they get in my space. My Uncle, Auntie, and two cousins are spending Christmas in Jamaica. I think they have the right idea.

The problem is I just don't know why we do Christmas. It's supposed to be a big family thing but it's just all messed up and so much has to be done. And I don't like doing the work of entertaining large groups of people and being subjected to family judgement. Blah! Fuck that! I am so sick of Christmas. 33 of them is quite enough.

And there are too many invitations to things, and I am not going to be able to see every one, and I am already pretty much booked up for social events until the 27th. I am also stressed out by the sheer cost of Christmas. It worries me. I am going to be glad when my Christmas is just me and two other people or something like that. All day. No hordes. No family drama. No people bitching at me like I am bitching to you about how stressful it is.

I still haven't smoked! :D I am feeling good about that. I love not smoking! I had a dream I had cigarettes last night. I didn't smoke them, but I looked at them and longed for them. It was a weird dream. BUT I refused to let myself smoke them, even though I was totally subject to the whims of my subconscious. It's been 2 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 3 mins since I quit smoking. :D

I have hated Christmas for a long time. Not the actual holiday, just all the expectations that surround it.

And this Christmas we are doing renovations. It's really rough. So much going on in our house.

And Sky will be home, which is always a lot of work because she is special needs. I just don't understand why the family expects mom to do so much work to entertain them at Christmas when she also has to look after Sky.

It's always been like that too. They're going to stress her and me out so much we have heart attacks. In fact I should just rent defibrillators every Christmas from now on.

Aaaaaaaah! I want to run away!

I will find some Christmas cheer after another beer. I am just going to drink myself through the holidays. Like regular folk do when they are stressed out.

Mind like a hamster wheel squeak squeak squeak

2011-12-21T11:15:00.000-06:00

I have awoken from a HORRIBLE sleep! I forgot to take my night meds at first and by the time 2:30 rolled around and I was still up, I went upstairs and took them. I fell asleep half an hour later, but then mum woke me up to look at Maeshowe at solstice (I slept a little more so I actually missed it) and then I missed out on getting a full eight hours.

So I am going to be crabby today.

I think I am finally falling out of love, which is GOOD! I'm tired of being treated badly and I'm tired of her attitude about me. She's got these weird ideas of who I am that don't match up with how I see myself. Or I didn't see myself that way for a long time, and then it kind of leeched into my soul and tarnished my vision of self. I don't think it's good to love someone who doesn't think you can do anything. It's much better to love someone who thinks you can do amazing things.

So I still don't know who I will fall in love with next, and it doesn't really matter. I can be a whole person without a girlfriend. My psychic says I will end up with someone for the rest of my life, so that is good to hear. It just troubles me, this fear that I will end up with someone emotionally abusive again. Or any kind of abusive really. Because that kind of shit sneaks up on you. I have this theory that you can tell a lot about a potential mate by how they treat people in the customer service industry. If I'm on a date with someone and they yell at some customer service rep, I'm out. Not interested at all!

Steven seems to have gone back to his partner. I don't know if he is still living with us or what, but we have to rent out the basement when it is finished. I hope he doesn't go back just to get kicked out again after we've gotten a new tenant. I don't know where he would go.

This Christmas we are having a ham! I love ham, I am so excited, we hardly ever get ham. And turkey is kind of lame, it dries out so fast and there are too many leftovers. At least with leftover ham you can cut off a slice and fry it up. What can you do to reheat turkey and make it taste good? Mum always puts turkey on bread with gravy, but I've never been a fan of that combo.

Last night I dyed my hair Hot Hot Pink by Manic Panic! I'm so happy, pink hair, pink hair! I wanted to dye it earlier but my horoscope said not to make changes to my appearance until after the 13th. And it was good to wait, because I found out I am getting income assistance and don't have to worry about a job job.

I really want my business to take off. I had to crack the whip on the logo designer because I've been waiting for it for months and I really need it so I can get business cards made. It's kind of fucking me up actually.

My cousin Sharlene is spending Christmas eve and Christmas morning with us. I'm kind of excited to have her here, should be fun! We'll watch Auntie Mame on Christmas Eve and then go to bed and wake up for presents, stockings, and mimosas, and then cap it off with a great big brunch with blueberry pancakes and bacon and pork sausages! I love Christmas morning because it's when my little family does our thing, without the whole big family being around.

Well, what else? I am crabby. I should get over it, but sleep deprivation doesn't make me a very happy person, it kind of fucks with my moods actually. Sucks! :(

Life Under The Harper Government just before Christmas

2011-12-20T11:33:00.000-06:00

The basement is so close to being finished! And after Christmas I get to move up to the ground floor and have a bedroom with giant windows. WINDOWS!!!

Christmas is less than a week away! Sunday! OMG! I still have to get my cousin something, although I am dubious about whether he will get me anything. I know what I am getting him, but my Mom called me an enabler so I might get him something else. Depending on how much it is. He didn't come home last night. I don't know where he is.

Beatrix Kitty likes laying on her back. She's doing it right now, all flopped out beside me purring. She's a cute cat, I like her. She went through a terrible phase when she was a kitten, but all kittens are terrors.

Today in three hours it will be two weeks without a cigarette! :D But today is really rough. :( I am having terrible thoughts of going out and getting a butt to smoke, which is ridiculous because there aren't even any butts or cigarettes in the house, that's why Steven left last night. The temptation is really bothering me, especially since I read COPD screening questions at the clinic the other day and noticed I had two of the warning signs, coughing up phlegm and shortness of breathe. But my breathing is actually pretty good, and I think I am just coughing up phlegm because my lungs are cleaning themselves out. At least, that is what I am hoping.

Either way I know if I keep smoking I am on the path to getting COPD and it terrifies me. I don't want to be all gibbled because of a dumb addiction that made me feel guilty for years. I just hope it's not too late for me. And I hope these urges to smoke go away. For most of my quit I have had a pretty good time of it, except for a handful of days when I really thought about having a cigarette. It was funny, I would feel really vulnerable to a relapse for about a day and then the next day I would be on top of the world, looking down on creation! So I know these rough days pass. But damn it is hard. Still, every time I feel the trigger to smoke and I don't give in, I am deprogramming myself. And that feels good. They say quitting smoking is a process, not an event. Much like coming out of the closet I guess.

Speaking of coming out of the closet, I have realized it is a lifelong process. I come out a lot, but sometimes I just forget until it gets really awkward. It makes me realize I could go back in the closet just because of someones heterosexist mindset. I wanted to just make an announcement and be done with it and have everybody know. But no, I have to keep asserting it. Imagine being heterosexual and having people you meet constantly think you are queer, it gets annoying! Being presumed heterosexual is so bizarre. And it's especially awkward when I have to shrug off sexual attention from clueless straight men, because they have that whole idea that lesbians are doing it just to turn them on. UGH!

There's my rant for the day. That will be five cents.

No, there is more I want to write about I am sure.

I am a bit concerned by how many people I am supposed to buy Christmas presents for now. I really liked it when I just bought for my mom and my sister, and now people are telling me to buy for a whole bunch of people and I just can't afford it. Next year I am going back to my rule of only buying for my mom and Sky. I don't really care about a big Christmas. And I'm not even Christian! I should celebrate the solstice. The earth is tilting back towards the sun and the days will get longer again, that's reason enough to celebrate.

It's been unseasonably warm this fall/early winter. And there is hardly any snow. And I am being governed by a corrupt government which denies the very real fact of global warming, even though it is fucking with our arctic. Just because they can get some money out of the tarsands, which by the way uses more oil to produce a barrel of oil. SIGH! And I also disagree with fracking, I think it will increase earthquake prone regions. Even the US Military gave up fracking because they knew it was causing earthquakes.

Canada is going to shit. And we have four more years of this, and the NDP is being so damned quiet since Jack Layton died. We're the opposition, we should be doing more, it seems. We need someone who's brave enough to stand up to the bullies in our government. And we can't even call it the Canadian Government anymore, now it's the Harper Government. So fucked up.

I've really gotten into knitting these days. It's a skill for the apocalypse! LOL! We're days away from 2012, and there are still people I know who think something big will happen. I don't know what I think. I definitely think things are coming to a head. I can see civil unrest happening in Canada with this government that doesn't listen to it's people. And I know aboriginal people in Canada are really getting fed up with the racism and racist policies directed towards us. Racism is abuse. It's not funny and it's not merely an opinion, not when it is entrenched within government through things like the Indian Act. And it keeps me from reading the comments section. It seems like everyone in Canada is a racist if you just read the comments section.

Stayin' In on a Saturday Night

2011-12-17T21:45:00.000-06:00

Knitting is awesome! :D I got tips last night from my friend Daniel and now I can do stitches a lot faster and easier and my tension is much better. I doesn't take as long to do a row now, which is making my tiny scarf finally progress. I am taking a break now to look at facebook. But I am going to knit again after I finish this post.

I don't have a knitting bag, so I am keeping everything in a liquor store bag. I hope I don't get mugged when I am walking around with it. I'm sure someone would be really disappointed to get unfinished knitting instead of booze.

I heard it is cool to knit, is that true? I wasn't trying to be cool. My grandma and mum knitted, and I kind of always wanted to learn but thought it would be terribly complicated. Plus I really need a scarf. I need a hat too actually, maybe I will make one after this scarf is finished.

It's really relaxing to knit. It's kind of addictive.

It's way better than smoking anyway, I wanted to do something else with my hands after I quit.

I have still quit! Not a single puff! It's been really positive. Some days are hard, but I have gotten through them. When I had a dream about smoking I had a bit of a rough day, but I still didn't smoke.

My psych nurse told me that the addiction workers who run the dual diagnosis group here are really good at helping people resolve ambivalence about sobriety. I am kind of curious to talk to them about it. My ambivalence is legendary!

I'm so tired! I can't believe I woke up and stayed up all day. I was fretting in my head since the drama of Thursday, but I have figured out how to deal with it in the future. So that's good.

Tonight we went shopping for christmas stocking stuffers and presents. I know what dvd I am getting because I picked it up and said "OMG!" It's Disney's The Sword In The Stone, which is REALLY good! And I have never seen a copy of it since we last rented it at the video store when I was a kid. Maybe Kristjan will like it.

I'm staying home tonight, last night I went out and got really drunk and now I just want to sit at home knitting or in front of the computer while either drinking a pepsi or sucking on a mini nicotine lozenge. As I have gotten older, nights in are beginning to look more appealing. It's saving me money, that's for sure. Plus I am a little better at bedtime and night meds when I stay in. Sometimes I forget to take my night meds when I have been out, and usually my bedtime is way later too. But also some nights when I stay in I write until 2am.

I'm so tired! I think tonight will be an early night. The basement is getting renovated for Steven to move down there, and we have to paint it this weekend. I am in charge of painting all the trim, as in baseboards. And I also have to go through each board first pulling out the nails with a pair of pliers. I'm dreading the nail removal rather than the actual painting. Painting is kind of fun. Pliering is kind of suck ass. And I think I just made that word up.

I have no money coming in until January. I think I am going to take a break from my favorite thing just for financial reasons. I can't afford to go into debt over my stupid addiction. Although weed at Christmas would be really nice. Or am I using it medically? I don't really know. A break wouldn't hurt me though. I might get crabby but that's about the worst thing that would happen. Hopefully I don't get too crabby. Apologies in advance!

I really need a shower. And to brush my teeth. And to have a pee. And to put on deoderant. Tomorrow we put up Santa window clings and the tree with Kristjan! We have been saving it for when he comes over. I love our atheist Christmas tree. It's all santas and fruit!

Speaking of Christmas, both Mum and I want to change how we celebrate, or not celebrate it. It costs way too much money. And it is really stressful. I think it will be much more modest as the years go by. This year she is only giving me a stocking, but she gets really good stuff for our stockings. And I don't really need a present too.

Hmm, maybe I should go shower and generally clean myself up and then make a hot apple drink and knit for a while. That sounds really nice actually. YAY for staying in on a saturday night! I LOVE staying in on Saturdays!

I MUST MAKE SOMETHING EPIC!!!!!!

2011-12-16T16:17:00.000-06:00

I got funded from Saskatoon Tribal Council!!!!! :D I am getting six months of income support while I work full time on my business. I have to write a report in three months and then another report at the end of the six months. And go in every month to sign a paper for expenses so I can get paid.

I'm pretty happy. I found out on Tuesday and today I finally got to sign my paper for January's money, so I called my worker this afternoon and cancelled welfare. YAY! I am not on WELFARE ANYMORE!!! I can make money and not be sneaky! Whew, that's good because I got four hundred bucks from a screening this month! I love when random artist fees come in.

In a few weeks, like maybe three weeks, I should know if I got my Sask Arts Board grant. I hope I did, otherwise I have to rearrange my whole residency in Hamburg. But so far I have had some money luck, so I hope it continues.

Grandpa and I were in the backseat of the car and he started singing "Meewasin, meewasin, meewasin soniyas!" and taking out some money to give to Mum for Sunday dinner. In English that would be "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful money!"

I think I am going to sing that song next time I get money!

I've been thinking seriously about making an extremely low budget feature film from my screenplay Bunnyhug. I think I still look young enough that I could play the lead role, which would cut down on actors fees. I think I could do a bare bones version with minimal video equipment and spending most of the budget on actors and crew. It's a film about extremely poor people too, so locationwise it shouldn't be too difficult to find a set. I'm not needing a mansion, that's for sure! I think that is what my next grant application at Canada Council will be for. And if I did a feature with Canada Council money and it was moderately successful (as in finished) I could go on to Telefilm money for bigger projects in the future.

I just think I really want to make narrative feature films, and I may as well start now. I have a whole blueprint for a movie, and it entertains me when I read it. It's a love story but really it's about insanity. I think it's important. And funny. Funny is good. And I know how to use my camera and I can edit and I can direct and act (actually I am a decent actor). Who knows, maybe I can even rent my mom's basement apartment for a couple weeks to shoot in.

It's ambitious, but I think I can do it. And I've been thinking about this project since 2003, I've planned all kinds of things about it. I know how I want lines delivered and what I want the set to look like and props I will have to collect. I know all their interior motivations and I've plotted how the edits will go.

Plus I need a big project to work on. I made a documentary feature, but I really want to get into drama. And who knows, maybe it will set the stage for me getting Telefilm money for Mars: The Maiden Voyage.

So that is what I am thinking about.

Monday I will get my footage back from the lab. That reminds me, I have to call and book the projector for Tuesday! And my video camera still needs to be cleaned, dammit! I will have to rent a mini dv video camera from PAVED for a day. I should have done that volunteer work, then I could have gotten production credits.

Tis a crazy life, to be a presently sane filmmaker.

My mom and grandparents went to my Uncle Doug's company lunch today. It was nice, I was sitting across from his cameraman and we got to talk shop.

Oh and I have to buy some sharpies.

I think it's gonna be a good little film.

There was some drama in my house the other day, my cousin's ex/still sort of girlfriend yelled at my mom, in her own house, the nerve! It pissed me off. I like having a happy home and I really resent people bringing negativity into the house. And verbal abuse is not to be tolerated. UGH! It brings me back to being concerned about who I end up with for a partner. I don't want someone who makes me feel bad.

Then Mom pointed out that someone I like makes me feel little and small. And I thought about it and I was like "Holy shit, you're right!" It irked me. I don't like feeling little and small, because I am not. I have a decent career, even if I have not made a million dollars off the back end of a five minute short. And I am doing things all the time.

But the other concerning thing about the verbally abusive episode in my house yesterday is that I don't want someone elses bad attitude to negatively impact my stability which I have worked SO FUCKING HARD ON for years! I'm not interested in being some unstable person's punching bag, or for my mother to be the punching bag either. It really upsets me. Stress isn't good for people with bipolar disorder, and it has precipitated my episodes in the past. So after living with mom for over a year and falling into a decent living arrangement, I don't want everything to get fucked up and higgledy piggledy! Aw fuck I think I spelled that wrong, oh well.

I saw my psychiatric nurse a couple of days ago. She wants me to approach the Partnership through the Schizophrenia Society to do public speaking with my mom about my recovery from bipolar disorder. I think I am going to do it. I could do like, five talks a year or something. I could do more, but I am going to start off reasonably.

She also told me she thought I was very gracious when I was all overmedicated and in a group home for months. She thinks that I might never have another big episode if I stay on my meds, and continue to do other things that aid my little brain, like getting proper sleep and eating right and stuff.

I really hope so. I don't think I could handle another manic episode, I would feel like my whole life was unraveling all over again.

Hey hey hey it has been ten days since I had a smoke! :D I am doing good! I'm really committed to not smoking this time, yesterday I sort of hit a wall and kept thinking about smokes, but I persevered!

Dream a little dream of you

2011-12-13T00:10:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow at 2:30pm Saskatchewan time (which isn't on daylight savings time so it always switches between being Central and Mountain and I never remember which is which) it will have been SEVEN DAYS since I quit smoking! My first whole week smoke free! It feels pretty good. I have one nicotine mint when I wake up and then my coffee and lunch and another nicotine mint and then a drink of pop and then another mint a couple hours later. It's going well. I've been feeling pretty positive about it and my self esteem is even improving, which is nice. I feel like shit about myself when I am a smoker. Because I know I shouldn't do it and most of the time didn't even want to do it but I had to do it. Smoking, yuck! What a terrible addiction!

My sense of smell is coming back, and hot apple drink tastes SUPER yummy these days. But I think the biggest change I have noticed is I don't have cold hands and feet anymore. My circulation has improved immensely. It's nice to have something substantial like that to appreciate about smoking cessation.

So aside from that, I am still waiting to hear from STC. I helped put up the christmas lights today. I saw my sister tonight at her group home and she fell asleep while I was hugging her. Last night I read almost all of the articles on Quit Smoking at About.com. I had a crazy weekend but it was fun and positive.

Rejection sucks ass, but I am feeling better about myself these days. I harbour hope that one day I will have a totally healthy life long relationship with someone. I don't know when it will happen. But I don't mind being single. I've had some flirtatious action in the last few years at least, so it's not like those other years of NOTHING! They just fizzle out like dud firecrackers though, my little flirtations. It's been a weird pattern but maybe I should be relieved, like it is keeping me from being in relationships that wouldn't make me happy.

Still I do worry that my relationship skills are totally out of practice. And my parents split when I was two so I never grew up around a relationship, like the day to day aspects of a relationship. I feel like I am kind of making it up as I go along. If I was still living across from a Chapters I would probably go sit in there and read the self help section on communication in relationships and stuff.

Maybe I am also thinking of this because of my cousin's relationship, which I have been observing ever since he moved in with us. It's not a good scene. It makes me think about my past relationships and how long I would try to withstand cruel behaviour just before it all unraveled. I think to myself "Oh if only I had had a backbone and would just have confronted them as soon as they starting saying mean things!" I think, from what I have noticed, people sometimes (well, often) gauge how badly they can treat their partner before their partner won't take it anymore, and if they can get away with treating them like garbage then they WILL!

Oh man, that is really pessimistic.

My first real girlfriend lived in Toronto while I was in Vancouver, and only talked to me on the phone once every two weeks. Even if I would call her wanting to talk a week later because something came up, she would keep it to every two weeks. And that went on for a year and a month! Now I look back on it and think "Oh gawd, how controlling!"

So I get crushes and then later on they kind of fizzle out after I start noticing weird behaviour or other indications of possible relationship drama. And I'm not talking mental illness, I could date another person with a mental illness, enough of my own friends are really nutters anyway, one more nut wouldn't wreck my world. I just mean people who like making people jealous and that kind of weird gamey behaviour. That's what I can't stand.

Red Flags is what I'm talking about!

I am wary.

Because I don't need a girl to make me feel like a loser! I can feel like a loser all by myself. But BLAH! Who wants to feel like a loser, nobody, that's who!

I am very highly suspicious of people who want their partners to change fundamental aspects of who they are. I think you should love someone for who they are, not for what you want them to become. People's growth and change comes from a core within themselves, they have to want it for themselves. They can't do it for other people. Even if EVERYBODY wants them to change! I don't believe in interventions either.

Well, I think I am going to get away from this confessional blog and go make myself some Hot Apple Drink to take to bed with me, where I will finish reading about butch and femme and maybe jot some totally embarrassing feelings about a certain someone who will remain nameless in my journal. Which is almost ALL WRITTEN IN! I started it in April 2008 when I moved into the coop! Hundreds of pages and many deep dark secrets later I am almost DONE! I have eight pages left. I am going to have to go diary hunting this december. Either that or write in that cute Marlene Dietrich book I got, but I don't feel as secure about the binding of it for a long term document like a journal. I am very fussy about my journals.

Party Hardy, withOUT ciggies!

2011-12-10T03:35:00.000-06:00

It's now been well over three days that I have been smoke free. It's going well, but right now I am partying and there are cigarettes around and I have already been offered some but I am holding fast to my obligations not to smoke. I quit with the beer a few hours ago and am just drinking water now, but the partying continues and with it so do the urges to smoke.

What it really is is that this is the first time in a long time that I have partied without smoking. I have to learn how to do it without reaching for a cigarette.

My Super 8 made it to the lab and should be here in time for Christmas. So I will have lots of time to draw all over it. Yay!

I'm feeling positive about my life. I think I'm going to be okay. I just need a little more direction. I have some shows coming up and I am producing again and my creativity is reviving.

Being diagnosed bipolar really kicked my career in the ass. It took a long time to learn how to live with it. And it always takes a while to recover. From those BIG episodes. Sheesh. It fucks me over for about a year.

But it's been since 2007 that I had a big episode, so I am glad. I value my mental health.

Creative Thingly-doos

2011-12-08T00:41:00.000-06:00

I never did win NaNoWriMo with a 50,000 word novel. I did however end up with 19 pages of an autobiography about madness. I think I might have to expand on it though, I mean what I write about, because there's only so much you can say about madness before it gets redundant. My manias and depressions have been pretty similar to each other. I mean, the situations are always different but I always end up feeling like a Messiah or someone who should be dead. It's kinda predictable.

So yes, I am still going to work on my novel, it just will take longer than one month. And who knows, maybe next year I will write a novel in a month.

I haven't had a cigarette in 33 hours! I feel pretty proud of that, but I also realize I need a little hobby for my hands to be busy. So I am going to learn how to knit. I am starting off with a scarf. Just a really basic scarf. I hope it doesn't roll up into a tube, but even if it does I will have something warm and handmade by me around my neck. Tomorrow I go out to pick up some yarn for it, and some number 7 knitting needles. KNITTING!

My Grandma used to knit a lot, so in a way it feels like something I am compelled to do. I don't have anything she knit for me anymore either, which makes me sad. But maybe I can make some new knitted things. She once made me the best mittens ever, they were purple and the insides were another layer of thinner but softer pink yarn. They were so warm! I loved them and I had them for over a decade, but they weren't on a string so one day one got lost. And the other followed a year later.

Some friends of mine invited me to join their knitting group, so hopefully soon I can sit around with friends all knitting and doing other artsy crafty things.

I shot my Super 8 film for the 8 fest, but I still have more work to do. When it comes back from the Lab I have to draw on it with a sharpie to simulate blindness, mine in particular. I used to get ocular migraines and the edges of my vision would start to turn white until everything was white except the very middle of my vision. They are scary to have. I think they were related to my oncoming manic depression, because I got them when I was in 6th grade up to second year of university. They come on really fast, so often I would be walking from point A to point B when they occurred. And crossing a street trying to see the walk light when you are half blind is scary as hell. Also I want to talk in my film about my cousin's blindness and how it is related to his schizophrenia. He stabbed himself in the eyes almost two years ago after going off his medications. So sad.

Also I have to record some audio for my film and edit it and make a little mp3 on a cd for the 8 Fest to play alongside my film. So there is still some work to be done. But I am happy to report it will be done in January in time for the 8 Fest. And the day after it screens I will post it onto my facebook. Maybe some girl will be attracted by my filmmaking skillz.

So creatively I am doing very well. I have been producing things anyway, which always makes me feel good about myself. I don't feel good when I am not able to be creative.

Also I spend too much damn time on Facebook. But I am always immersed in websites. I used to be on Open Diary all the time. Now I hardly ever visit. But if I knit I can do something with my hands that is productive besides writing facebook statuses.

I am going to hear in January if I got my grant to make a video about being butch, and do a residency in Hamburg while I finish editing it. So I really hope I get it. It would be awesome! :D I only applied for 6000, I hope that's enough. I will have to pay my 500 rent here AND a plane ticket and money to live on in Germany including 60 euros for the rent over there. Also money to make the video, including paying my minimal crew and renting equipment. I think I can do it. I am going to buy the ticket as soon as I can, because then I will get a way cheaper fare.

Oh mans, it's late! I should go get Little Mister and go to bed. I was hearing this squeaking in the kitchen and it was tripping me out man! Probably a mouse.

Australia

2011-12-06T02:48:00.000-06:00

I am supposed to go to Australia next year. I am super excited about this, having NEVER gone that far away and also because of the Aborigine culture in Australia. I am not excited about the racism there, but is it worse than in Canada? Canada is pretty racist. All you have to do is read the comments section of the Globe and Mail or CBC to see it in action.

Also all this furor over Attawapiskat. So many people are blaming the band and council, even though they had so little to work with. For those of you from outside of Canada, Attawapiskat is a reserve in Manitoba where the housing situation is so dismal that people are living in condemned housing and tents even in the winter. The government says they had 90 million to build homes, but after everything is taken into account they really only got five million in six years to build new homes, and most of that went to education (they didn't have a school for a while). Now they have been placed under 3rd party management, which basically means the governments that fucked them over have more power over how they spend their money. It's a slap in the face.

I am really working hard on quitting smoking. It's not going very well, but I am still going to try hard! My cousin gave me three beers and it weakened my resolve. But I am still determined tomorrow morning I am not going to have that first smoke!

What else should I talk about? Well, Mister the therapy dog (because he's not really a service dog) has been getting along well. I was worried getting a dachshund that his back would have problems, but there was only one week where he yelped a few times when he would play with the other dogs too hard, and so he is actually doing pretty good. His injury or whatever it was healed and now he is back to his rough and tumble self. He wrestles with Hermione, the other dachshund, and never complains. So I guess he is well. I love him so much.

Having a dog has improved my life so much. He is six now, so I have had him a little over five years. We got him in may 2006. And he was a year old then. He was going to be a breeding dog but the breeder decided she didn't want to get into breeding long haired dachshunds, so she sold him to me at a year old for less money because he was going to get the snip and be a pet. And he has been a lovely pet. The only complaints I have about him is that he pees and poos everywhere and barks too much. Some people would find this too much to deal with, but I accept him as a barky and pee-ey/poo-ey guy. I do want to train it out of him of course, but it's taken a while. He only goes in certain spots anyway.

BUT in terms of love and companionship, he has proven himself to be necessary for my mental well being. Because the basement feels haunted and Mister is a dog with the capability to push away bad spirits, I always take him to bed with me for snuggles and general ghost busting. Just having a little soul on the bed seems to ward away the bad juju. And also when I feel lonely I like picking him up and kissing him.

Also because sometimes my illness makes me think of bad things, like animal torture (be it through fur farms or some other terrible thing like factory farming) I like having a small animal I can curl up with in my arms and just love unconditionally. When bad thoughts get in my head of animal suffering, I like to snuggle my little dog and think how I will keep him safe through his whole life from bad things. I want him to die a very old dog with a very sweet life.

Little Mister is in bed with my Mom right now. I've started letting him go to bed with her and then picking him up just before I go to sleep. It makes him happy, he gets tired way before me anyway.

After saying all this stuff about animal welfare, you might be surprised to find out I want to taste Kangaroo while I am in Australia. I hear it's like venison. I am hoping I have a chance to taste it if I hang out with the right people. The indigenous people. We'll see.

Oh, and my cousin is back from his journey to the offsale! I should go find out what happened!

Things I know are not true

2011-12-04T22:12:00.000-06:00

This whole blog isn't actually going to be about lies I tell myself. Because I realize I have to give an update on What Happened to Deanna.

Deanna had an interesting conversation with a police officer and then an interesting conversation with some people in an ambulance and is right now in the hospital, and has been there for a little over a week. We found out through the Vancouver Police. So she's in a safe place, and I'm mostly concerned with her health and what she will do after she is released. I hope she's done camping with Occupy just because I think it's better for bipolar folks who need proper sleep to spend her nights with a roof over her head and a decent bed with enough blankets. My first manic episode was escalated in part to the fact I was sleeping on a thin skinny child's bed for weeks and weeks. Also all that effexor pushed me over.

That's the thing, people want to blame the pot for me being crazy but my use has been pretty consistent for years and the main things that caused my manic episodes was all that effexor and the second time it was me going off my meds. Oh yeah and both times I went crazy I was also falling in love and THAT fucks me over sometimes. Love is really stressful. I think I could fall in love now and not get all fucked up though, because I'm on meds that work.

My antipsychotics are SO POWERFUL that they render the effects of mushrooms to absolutely nil! There's absolutely no point in me doing psychedelics anymore. So I don't.

I guess it's a good sign. Especially since if I run out of meds or forget too many days in a row I start hearing music in the white noise. Ooooh I hate that feeling!!! I KNOW deep in my heart of hearts that I am hearing it because I am CRAZY and sometimes I strain really hard to hear English words in it, but I never do. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that reassures me is knowing I at least have the insight still to resume taking my medication as soon as I am due for the next dose. Whew!

Life's crazy when you're a crazy person. Weird shit happens.

Oh yeah, but lies I tell myself.

There are some lies I tell myself, to try and make myself be better. One of them is that if I quit smoking, my ex will take me back and we will have a real relationship finally with long range plans and a King sized bed and a blended family of cats and dog. With such a great fantasy reward, you would think I would have quit smoking by now. But it's not true, which I know, so it hasn't really made me as committed to quitting. I should really be focused on my main concern about smoking, which is that I don't want to get cancer and die a painful death relatively young. I would like to make it at least to 70! 80 even! After that I don't care. Geriatric chronic conditions suck. Alzheimer's, Osteoporosis, ugh! But I can at least do all I can now to be healthy. I already do so much just to have proper brain health. But then I smoke and could blow out an artery in my brain with a stroke and be dead or crippled. Aaaaaaaaah! I WANT TO QUIT! It's not worth the little buzz you get. Cigarettes deaden taste and smell and make me less kissable. Wah!

What other lies do I tell myself?

I tell myself that I just have to make amazing art and everyone will want to give me money and help me live as a full time artist. But that's not true either. I don't know many people who can live as full time artists.

Today my mom asked me, "What would be better for you? To have a job or to have your own business?" And I said "I think to have my own business because then I can take time off to go do residencies and stuff." And I think it's true. I really have to do some cpr on my fledgling business. I need some clients. That's really the only thing in my way. I should get some cards made.

I might be digitizing some material for someone soon. That would be good, I could get a bit of money into my business bank account.

I tell myself all kinds of lies about how I could be a better person to be an appropriate partner for my ex, but it's all so ridiculous. Quitting smoking is the least of them. I also think about doing grand projects like making a feature film with some underpaid actors and my video camera and entering it into Cannes and winning the Palm D'Or. And I think to myself "That will show her I have ambition!" And in my head I am shaking my little fist heavenward.

My Mom recently told me Lady Gaga lives with her parents too, even though she has all this money. I think she is telling me that to make me feel less weird about living in her house. And now also living with my cousin Steven and his kid. It's a multigenerational household! :O

I feel dubious as to how many dates I can realistically score while I am living at home. I'm allowed to bring girls home, I have in the past, I don't feel weird about it. But the ladies feel weird about it. That's what I think, anyway.

I think I will fail at bettering myself if I am just chasing an elusive relationship that's never going to happen. I need to be more focused on making my life count whether or not someone else is in it.

Weirdo! I'm a weirdo! :O

2011-11-27T01:34:00.000-06:00

So Deanna hasn't posted anything on facebook in a while. And I don't really know where she is. It's kind of a concern, although last night someone saw her at a rally. So she's sort of AWOL. I don't know what's up. Le sigh!

Last night I had this intensely emotional dream, in a good way. And I woke up and was all goofy and smiley for a while. And then I remembered none of it was real and was disappointed. But I got over it. I like being entertained while I am sleeping.

I went to Partner's In Employment because it's a condition of me being on Welfare, and they offered to let me do a Vocational Evaluation which takes about two weeks and will tell me what jobs I am suited for. It's in January - February. Until then I am just going to hang on and keep poking around for jobs of some sort. Or freelance creative various things. We'll see. I still have to make this super 8 film too!

I can't think properly at this hour or with this much alcohol in me.

It is weird being in love with someone who loves me back but doesn't want to be with me. I always thought love was enough, but it's NOT! :O Once my mom told me about how she used to ask the universe to bring her a man to fall in love with but they would turn out to have some glaring issue like being married technically or being gay all the way or other things and eventually she gave up asking the universe to bring her a man to love because it was like the universe was finding every loophole to sabotage it. That's how I feel! Oh man. You have to be so specific when you ask the universe for something.

I'm a weirdo. That's probably the problem! Also I smoke, which is another problem. But really truly I am going to quit for good soon. I did a whole month recently, like in September or something.

I should go to bed. Maybe I will have another nice dream.

Pre-Occupied

2011-11-20T23:32:00.000-06:00

One day I hadn't heard from my cousin Deanna for a couple days, maybe less even, and I commented on a mutual friend's post about not wanting to die on Hastings. And I just said something like "Me neither." And then Deanna posted on it "Yeah I am in Van and I totally avoid that area." And I was like WTF???? Because she hadn't said goodbye or anything. I thought it was a joke.

But no, she spent her last dollars on a bus ticket and is now living at Occupy Vancouver!!!! :O

That's really far away! She did say if she got the chance she was going to be in Vancouver, so I guess that is what she did. It seems crazy! Everyone is worried because Occupy Vancouver has a 2pm deadline tomorrow to get out "or else!" Well, I don't think they said "or else" but it was implied, and they're going to throw their stuff away. And do I don't know what with the people.

So here I am, powerless in Saskatoon while Deanna goes off to save the world. I could point her to some people in Vancouver who know how to live on next to nothing there and where the free food is, but she is all about the movement right now. I'm just worried it will totally disperse and she'll be homeless in Vancouver, which is way more of a fuck show than being homeless in Saskatoon, where she knows a lot of people. And call me crazy but all the chanting in all the occupy videos remind me of that film we watched on cults in high school where the fresh faced hero gets brainwashed to the shouts of "Juicyfruit, juicyfruit! Rah rah rah!" I have mixed feelings about Occupy.

So you can call me PreOccupied.

She will probably be fine, she hates when people worry. And who knows, maybe she will end up in a Vancouver jail cell with drag marks on her legs. Or maybe the people will prevail and it will all be a heartwarming scene with heroic Occupiers waving their fists in front of the VAG, free to live another night on the front lawn.

Occupy the VAG!!!

Hopefully she will be fine and have some crazy adventure story to tell her children, when she has some. And it's true I know people who have up and moved to Vancouver and made it work. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she will land on her feet. She's been fed for free this far! And she's been there a while now.

I guess the grim underbelly of Vancouver is what I worry about, it's so ridiculously expensive to live there and the occupations that will allow you to live reasonably decently there are sketchy. And plus all the free food places are in sketched out neighborhoods. I dunno. But what do I know, it's been five years since I've lived in Vancouver, six almost, and it has changed a lot in the meantime. Maybe there's a magical Quatchi's Inn where poor people can go to eat and sleep and smoke weed in their bedrooms for no money. Well whatever. And now I am going to be in trouble for writing a worrywart blog post.

I just don't want to have to fly out to Vancouver and put up posters of her. But I have felt that about all my native girl cousins who live in BC. It's just not a good place to be a Native woman, considering how many go missing there. But yes, I lived there, and only had one really dodgy night with some crazy old punk and his roommate he was kicking out who had pitbulls. Oh yeah, and that one old lady who called me a pedophile in the street because she mistook me for someone else. Okay, and that guy with the blood on him who said "Canada~!" at me and shook his bloody nose on my shirt. That was sketchy too.

But there are also lots of good people in Vancouver. It's just a big city with big city problems. But Deanna has never lived in a big city before. But neither did I before I was 18. And she's way older than I was when I moved there.

Ha ha, listen to me be an old fuddy duddy! We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow at 2pm.

8621 words and HOLDING! Damn . . .

2011-11-17T01:03:00.000-06:00

Life got in the way of me continuing to write. First I had five days of drinking in a row, and I am not sure how I did that but I managed and felt pretty gross after. Such a binge! And I didn't even mean to binge, it's just people kept inviting me out or else I was home drinking with my cousin or else there was wine with dinner. Either way, it made me feel like a deficient writer because everyone was like "You can't write when you are drunk!" Although I kind of think I have in the past.

So whatever, I drank and didn't write and now I have taken a couple days off but got a six pack and now I am writing again. And tipsy. AND I DON'T CARE!

Ha ha, no, I probably do care I just don't want to talk about it.

You know something I realized about my marijuana use is that I do use it medically pretty much. I know all these people say marijuana is bad for crazy people, but there is also some pretty good research that indicates some active parts of marijuana help people with bipolar disorder. And although SOME people don't handle marijuana well mentally, SOME people also don't tolerate the same psychiatric medication I am on, for whatever reason. It's like all psych type meds, not effective for everyone but for some it's really good.

I dunno. I just know I am not grouchy when I have it and I feel a bit more even. And for someone with a mood disorder, "even" is a great state to be in. Not all teetertotery and shit.

I did hear about a doctor who will actually prescribe medical marijuana in this area, which surprised me because so few will. I'm still waiting to hear the results of the study Cannibinoids in Bipolar Affective Disorder so I can take it with me and say "See!" Or not take it.

WHat else? I am getting used to this multigenerational extended family household. Currently I live with my Mom, my Cousin Steven, and half time his son Kristjan. It's a pretty full house! It's been strange adjusting, but I have lived with Steven and Mom before, after Steven got assaulted in this fucked up house he was living in where there was a weed whacker murder in the garage!

Oh man, I totally walked away and got distracted.

8014 words!

2011-11-07T01:43:00.000-06:00

It's an hour after the end of November 6th and I have surpassed my goal of getting 7000 words done, I am now sitting at a comfortable 8014 words. Still behind the daily goals, I didn't write at all for a few days because I didn't know what to write, and then I wrote over five thousand words yesterday. I stayed up until five in the morning doing it and totally fucked myself over because at Noon we had to go out and finish dropping off Judy Junor's leaflets. We also did some Data Entry at the Campaign Office this afternoon, and then we had dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and visited for a bit, so I had a really late start on my writing. But I made it! :D I am going to work really hard on getting it all out.

I've decided to write about my lived experiences with Bipolar. I went to a coffeeshop on Saturday afternoon and wrote for a few hours and then came home and typed it up. I had just typed in the last word when my foot hit the power bar and it shut the computer down. What followed was some loud swearing and frantic messing about trying to get the computer to work. The computer was being really slow starting up because it had been turned off so rudely. It kept freezing at the login screen and making me anguished. I had written three pages! Nooooo! I didn't want to spend an hour retyping the whole thing again. But lucky for me the auto recovery worked and I only had to retype the last paragraph.

I'm behind in where I should be, I should have finished 10,002 words today to be on target for getting 50,000 by the end of the month. But I can do some more marathon writing sessions. I wrote about when I got my heart broken and made myself cry. Which is funny, because I cry so rarely. It was cathartic I think. It was a silent cry, tears streaming down my face as I tickety tacked typed. It was good, even though it gave me a big lump in my throat.

I'm excited to be writing, although I know it's all jumbled up and will need some revisions once the month is up. I've never tackled such a huge goal in such a short time. I've got sixteen pages now, although it is divided up into chapters so a couple pages only have one paragraph on them.

Tonight I was standing outside smoking and thinking and remembered that I am (if all goes according to plan) going to Australia and Germany next spring and summer respectively. BIG TRIPS! I have never been to Australia before, and I am pretty excited. This blog is one of the things that is going to be featured as part of the reason I am out there, along with some videos. I've never had anyone want to show my blog as a valid art project. I'm curious how it will be received.

Oh man my back aches, I am not sitting right when I write, I write all hunched over and fuck myself over. I need to practice better writing posture, more relaxed writing posture.

I need to fall in love again, with someone new who is actually a possibility. I'm tired of being in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even if she does love me. I will always love her, but I need a more active love, someone who wants to have sex and live together and get married and have back rubs and who I can take care of and who will take care of me until we are both dead and cremated. I'd like to have a girlfriend I can introduce to my grandparents, because they are in their 90's and on the way out and I really want them to meet a sweetheart of mine. They never have met any of my other lovers.

I'm thinking of doing Script Frenzy in April, where you write a script all month, it's an offshoot of NaNoWriMo. Although I might be in Australia for a couple of weeks then and spending time in another country writing doesn't appeal to me when I could be doing a bunch of other things. They also have a challenge where they invite you to tackle a big life goal over the course of a year. I am thinking of giving that a shot, but I have no ideas what I want to do.

New Bed Day

2011-11-03T21:54:00.000-06:00

I've been babbling about it since yesterday on Facebook when we went and bought MY NEW BED!!!! It's queen sized and has a bamboo fibre pillowtop and it's so cozy. BUT when they delivered it today they couldn't get the boxspring down the stairs. So tomorrow they are delivering a split boxspring. I hope it's still comfy. This is the first time I have gotten a bed with a boxspring. BOXSPRING!

I have stalled altogether on my Novella. I don't know what to write. And I did so well that first day, even though I didn't meet the minimum number of words I need to write. I was going to write a satire on the new common experience of adults going back to live with their parents in these wintery economic times. But I don't know how to make it interesting. I kind of just wrote it like it was about me exactly, right down to the mice eating my popcorn.

I just discovered the wonders of Zinc Oxide on a burning butt! I kept going to the bathroom and it was BURNING! So I got saved by Zinc Oxide and Pepto Bismol! Ta Da!

Home remedies are great.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, the wonderous Dr. Conacher, and found out I have lost even more weight. I am down to 187.2 pounds! That's amazing! I am starting to be able to take off my size 14s without undoing the zipper or button. Which does worry me because I don't want to go out and buy all new jeans again. I'd like to stay at this weight, and be the girl with the little round tummy. Anyway, Dr. Conacher thinks I am doing so well that I don't need to see her again until April! :D BUT I have to get my bloodwork done, so they know I am not being poisoned by my Epival. And that I haven't developed diabetes from my antipsychotic.

A girl told me I was cute last Friday when I went out, but of course I was drunk and stupid and just stammered. I don't know what to do when girls think I am cute! I mean, I know what to do eventually when they take me to bed, but getting there is really really hard for me! I just stammer and twiddle my toe in the dust. I wish I didn't come off so standoffish. I need to practice asking girls out.

I did try asking girls out on Plenty Of Fish, or just making conversation anyway, but no one replied to my messages. REJECTED! Maybe I should put up a photo of myself that doesn't have fangs in it. I just wanted to show off my goofy side!

I am so excited to sleep on the top half of my new bed! I hope Hermione doesn't pee on it, she was very excited to jump about on it and we played "I'm gonna get you!" and she did that cute backwards jump several times. I love dogs. I just don't like it when they pee on my bed. Especially NOT A NEW BED! :O

Mmmmmm, new mattress! So cozy! I'm excited. I have wanted a real grown up persons bed for a long time. I was fine with futons, but I yearned for more. Maybe I will ask a girl out soon and actually get a girlfriend who will come over for sleepovers! :D

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

I've been tossing around the idea of writing a book for a while now. I like writing, and maybe I could make a few cents off my royalties from the few people who would buy it. Maybe I will write a best seller. I think I need to write about a murder to get a best seller though, they seem to be crime books that end up on that list. I don't really want to write about murder though. Bleh!

I decided to participate this year in NaNoWriMo, also known in long form as National Novel Writing Month. Every November people from all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. That is approximately 1666 words a day, or three pages. THREE PAGES! Single spaced! It's kind of hard for me. So far. Also my cousin Deanna came over yesterday and parked herself on the computer during prime writing time so I didn't finish up what I had planned. I made it to 992 words. So far short of 1666 words! Three pages a day equals 21 pages a week! :O

It was kind of a whim. I might give up halfway, but it's a good challenge. It will at least make me think, which might help my other challenge which is to make a Super 8 film, in Colour! :D By January! :O It's like an assignment. I have to think of something to do with it. So far writing has not given me any ideas. Which is too bad.

That Elephant who was friends with a dog lost her friend, Bella the dog died of a coyote attack. The poor Elephant, they mourn like humans. They even cry when they are sad. Elephants break my heart, the world is so hard on them.

My cousin has started living with us, because of his relationship teetering on breaking up and so forth. So now we have him, and his kid sometimes, and it is going well so far except for the night I gave him some E and he bothered me for half an hour for a cigarette or more E. Sigh! I have quit smoking again, just because I am tired of giving him cigarettes and not having any is the easiest way to get around it. He can buy his own cigarettes. We're building a suite for him in the basement and in the meantime he is living in Sky's room. Soon to be moving to the room I am in now, the computer room. And the computer room will be in a smaller room. One whole house and there are very few available rooms left. And the basement has no more carpet.

This morning Kristjan, the little boy, woke up at 5:30. Hola!

Anyway, now I am off to run errands, I think I am going to work on my novel when I get back. So far I want to write a parody of living with my mom at the age of 33. can it be interesting at all?

Belly Button Better

2011-10-26T15:36:00.000-06:00

My scab finally fell off my bellybutton and I rejoiced. I was tired of feeling all wounded and ugly. Now I have a crusty scar. In the end I discovered there were no stitches from my surgery, I was all held together with Steri-strips. My incisions were actually really small, I swear one is only a centimeter long. I feel back to myself and I am sure I am still healing, but it feels pretty DONE! Whew! I remember the first day I felt all gross because my innards felt like they were moved around. Now they have fallen back into place, and all that carbon dioxide is out of me.

So that is the update on the gallbladder surgery. I still haven't gone to Gibsons for fish and chips, because I was too scared! But now I think I am ready to try it out. The fattiest fish and chips EVER!!!!!

Maybe I should top it off with a deep fried mars bar!

Or better yet, a banana fritter!

I'm a sucker for banana fritters. They had really good ones at the fringe this year, whole bananas all frittered and fried, hot and covered in honey and whipped cream! OMG! So good!

My business is still not getting any income, but I am getting a second chance at working more or less full time on it. Saskatoon Tribal Council offers income assistance while you are getting self employed. I had to get a business license and a business bank account first. I now have those! I have to find a frame for my license. Or I could just tack it up I guess. It has to be displayed prominently, but my office is still not set up and won't be for a while.

I am also applying to SIEF for five thousand dollars to get a laptop and software to start out with. That's really all I need at first. And hopefully I can get some contracts and start making money to buy more things for my business, along with paying myself an income. I was going to ask for 15,000, but realistically I don't want to be on the hook for that much money. If I fail miserably a five thousand dollar loan is much easier to pay back than three times that amount.

There is a Simply Accounting class they are also going to pay for, so that I know how to do my books. AND they will probably also get me some driver training.

I did really good at quitting smoking, I had four weeks done when I slipped by smoking some pipe tobacco all rolled up in a rolling paper, and then I just wanted a bit more, and some more, and then I was smoking again for real, with my own pack of smokes even, not bumming them off people. Brought down by some of the grossest tobacco ever! I don't recommend rolling up pipe tobacco. I felt like a failure. I want to try and quit again. I know I can get further than four weeks. It's just those slips that get me. Soooo, well hopefully soon I can get myself sorted.

I went to my concurrent disorders education group last week and learned about the effects of marijuana. But not much was new to me. This week they are talking about anxiety disorders. I don't really have a problem with anxiety with the meds I am on, so I think since I can only do an hour I am going to go to the drop in after the education group. I feel like getting some support! Actually tonight is the bipolar support group too. I wonder if I should go. I went for pizza and elections last week. PIZZA! I don't really know why I am going to support groups, they are kind of goofy and I don't even have anything I really want to share, except with maybe the concurrent disorders group because we all have mental health AND addiction issues in common. One other thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of men who go to the groups and not so many women.

It's nearly November and I don't have a job. I've been on Welfare for October and I am getting November's money on Friday. I'll pay my rent and have a bit for fun and bus passes and my phone, but then I will be broke again. Frig, I forgot about my stupid phone.

There goes 55 bucks! Buckaroos!

It's Halloween weekend. I am going out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday unless something REALLY fabulous comes up and I have enough money.

I need to send my camera in to Sony for fixing. Maybe I should call Matrix video and see if they can fix a Sony camera for me. It's not under warranty anymore, I will have to pay for it. BLEH! UGH! But I need a camera.

I have been commissioned to make a Super 8 film by January. I really don't know what to make it about, I am thinking furiously! What topic really needs to be addressed? I already committed myself to making a video about being butch with my grant, so I can't do that idea. I would love to make some porn, but I don't have a counterpart who would fuck with me on camera. I can't even convince someone to fuck me off camera. And I don't know any hot to trot lesbian couples in Saskatoon who I want to make a porno with. It's going to have to be experimental with a narrative, but what the hell is the narrative? And what imagery would I use? It's distressing. I wish I didn't have a big ass creative block. Stupid block. I need some kind of brain flushing. I need to brainstorm. Hmm. I really want to veer back into making queer queer queer films. And I also have to keep in mind the medium. Super 8 is different than video. The rolls I am getting are colour too. Which is exciting. I thought colour was dead. So it has to be colourful too. AaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhH! Creativity fart! There's a tumbleweed rolling around in my head.

I have to write a script! What has been bothering me??? What is relevant to the larger society from a marginalized little human like me? What hasn't been said about being queer? And why oh why can't I find someone to have sex with me on camera???? I wish I even had an ex lover in town who would give me a spin just for old times sake and the sake of lesbian porn. See, if I hadn't been celibate for most of my life, I would totally be pumping out the sex tapes. I love sex! I just don't have it very often.

Maybe I should make a version of my Mars tape for the Super 8 festival. I dunno. I think I need more money for that. Better to wait.

It's hard being a lesbian making lesbian art without some good old fashioned lesbian fucking involved. It's not show stopping. Dammit! I need to get some inspiration. Nudity is boring too, without sex. Plus with the weather the way it is, nudity is not a good idea.

Hands Up! Baby Hands Up! Give me Your Love Give me Give me Your Love!

2011-10-21T16:48:00.000-06:00

Today is International Fisting Day! So since I don't have a lover at the moment and can't celebrate today by actual fisting activity, I thought I would write about it.

I think my first introduction to fisting was in a Pat Califia book, Macho Sluts. I would have been seventeen or something when I read about it. I didn't do it for a while though, and the first time it did happen was almost accidental.

She was my fourth lover and was just doing me with her hand when it just naturally slipped inside. I remember her asking me "Doesn't that hurt?" But it didn't. I was really turned on and receptive and it was amazing how even the gentlest movements inside me were driving me wild.

To be honest, I haven't done much fisting since. Just a few times. When I was on the other side of the fist, with my hand deep inside my girlfriend I remember the awe I felt that she was being so vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling this pink feeling, I really don't know how to describe it.

I have heard some misadventures with fisting, like people who don't do it right and end up making their partner bleed for a few days. I think that would be really mortifying. But I don't hear about misadventures as much as some would think.

So VOILA! Here is a Link on fisting from Babeland! Because I know you want to try it now, and were about to ask "But how can I fist my lover?"

Also someone on the facebook page mentioned this handy hint for femmes with long nails who want to fist, just put cotton balls in the tips of a latex glove and go to town! So brilliant, I wish I had thought of that when lover number Five was trying to fist me and had long nails. (It was unsuccessful)

I really do miss fisting. The last time I had sex we could have fisted maybe, except I wasn't open enough for it to be possible really. My vagina really is not always the same size, it totally fluctuates and I am not sure why. I suppose I could Ask Jeeves! LOL! Does anyone ask Jeeves anymore?

Anyway, there is my fisting blog, because when it comes to International Fisting Day, I am always ready to lend a hand! More awareness! More Fisting in porn! Yeah!

First Surgery! Hopefully the last!

2011-10-05T19:15:00.000-06:00

On Monday at around four pm I went under general anesthetic and had my gallbladder removed. I was pretty nervous, but the staff and surgeon and anesthesiologists and so forth were very calming and explained exactly what was going to happen to me and what I would feel like after. Going under was weird, they put a mask over my face and at first it was alright breathing and then it was hard getting my breathe out and then boom, I was out. I don't remember anything until I woke up moaning in the recovery room. I was drifting in and out and making noises every so often and I was getting really annoyed by these nurses having a conversation beside me because I just found their voices so grating! Ha ha, but then they wheeled me off to my shared room on the post surgical ward. My bed pissed me off because it was this air mattress that kept adjusting itself and filling up with air and then deflating again. And they put a blood pressure thing on my legs and my arm had a cuff that kept inflating and squeezing me. When they finally took it off I was relieved. I had an IV in for most of the night and kept adjusting myself and asked for painkillers twice and an anti-nausea drug once.

The next day the doctor saw me at 7am and told me they were sending me home, but then the nurses wanted to wait until after breakfast. I almost cried. Then after breakfast the nurses decided since it was the first meal I had since going under, they would wait until after LUNCH for me to be discharged. I almost cried again. I wanted to go home so bad! Finally I ate part of an egg salad sandwich and some cream of broccoli soup and they decided I was well enough to leave.

I didn't realize the roads were so bumpy until Mum drove me home. Ugh! I came home and basically slept and slept and slept. I ached. It was awful.

Then today I woke up after a bizarre dream of this crazy sex toy store with an insertable fake lizard, and I felt good enough to actually move about and not have naps and we went out and ran some errands. I got shampoo and conditioner and soap and body wash, and we got some premade meals from M&M meats. I had my first post-surgical shower and patted my incisions/punctures dry.

I can't lift anything heavier than ten pounds. I think my dog is twelve pounds. But I have been lifting him up, and so far so good. He was really confused at first that his mum wasn't being all sweet on him like I usually am when I first came home, but since then he and I have had some snuggles.

I am excited to go have gibson's fish and chips this week, but I am still nervous. Even though the doctor said I could have anything I wanted to eat now. I wanted to wait because for the first day everything tasted like anesthetic and was gross and made me want to puke. Now food is more appetizing. But until today, we didn't have much food that I wanted to eat.

I am taking extra strength tylenol AND ibuprophen as per doctor's orders, and the pain level has been more manageable than when I was in the hospital. It hurts if I press against something though, like the counter at the bank, for instance. But I've been doing pretty good. I am actually surprised at how well I am doing, especially considering how miserable I was yesterday. I am looking forward to two weeks from now when the stitches are out and I am doing well. Everything is looking up from here!

The only bad thing is I had to take out my hood piercing before surgery, and I have had trouble getting the damn thing back in! I am hoping this is due to my ineptitude and not because it has grown back in already. I really wish I had a girlfriend, then I would ask for her assistance. As it is, I have no one to help me!

Empowering My Sober Self

2011-10-01T16:09:00.000-06:00

It has been four days today without any weed, and I am feeling good! I still really really want to try this experiment of going six weeks without weed, which is how long it takes to get out of your system. I'd be able to pass a drug test! BUT my cousin in law who is studying to be an addictions counselor says it really takes three months to start noticing the benefits of being free from the green. Still, a six week goal is a start, and then I could evaluate if I want to be clean for longer. If it is working for me.

I'm a little crabby, but that is to be expected. It's something I can shake off.

I've been reading this really good book called Empowering Your Sober Self: The LifeRing Approach to Addiction Recovery, by Martin Nicolaus. It really takes groups like AA/NA to task over how they pathologize people with addictions to make them diseased, powerless, morally deficient, and full of character defects. It also explains how the liquor industry really promoted this idea of alcoholism as a disease that affects a small percentage of the population, whereas this book says ANYONE can become an alcoholic if they drink enough. Or drug addict, I suppose.

If marijuana is not addictive, how come so few people can stop?

But anyway, the book really spoke to me. I went to a couple of AA meetings and one NA meeting and never went back. I didn't like the lord's prayer and I didn't like admitting I was powerless because that seems really self defeating. In this book I am reading it explains that if you do get sober through AA, it is attributed to your higher power, while if you don't get sober it is blamed solely on you! That's so true! And it even has a section on how the powerless model is bad for women and minorities who need to be EMpowered. AND there is no scientific evidence that alcoholism or drug addiction is a disease at all.

I went to the Concurrent Disorders Education Group yesterday and learned about stress and how it works and how to manage it better, without relying on weed and stuff. I also got the schedule for all the topics of the education group from now until January. They are having one group all about marijuana and it's effects on persons with psychiatric illnesses. I wanted to stay for the support group part of it, but two hours is a bit long for me, although I mostly wanted to say I had finally been clean for three days in a row. It's a big achievement!

Rendering Pines, Rendering Pines

2011-09-29T22:00:00.000-06:00

I am writing a blog while I wait for my support material to render on my computer downstairs. I almost wasn't going to apply for this round of SAB grants, but then I finally got my final report in, and I just thought, well, maybe I should give it another shot. I haven't applied in a long time and I am asking for way less than I have in the past. About 6000, unless I change my mind and try for 7500. But not 17000 or anything major. I just want to get a couple months of living allowance and rental money for equipment and travel money and so forth. I asked these fine folks in Hamburg if I could do a residency next year in the summer and they said yes and sent me some letters of invitation to include with my grant application. SOOOOOO I am giving it a shot. I really hope I get it, because I have a good small project in mind about being a Butch woman. And also because I would like to spend more time in Germany. I just really like it.

So that's what is happening with my career. The Mars project is on the backburner for now, but I am still hoping something wonderful will happen and I can get development money. It's such a good idea!! Sigh. I might have to become a millionaire and make it with my pin money.

I wrote most of my project description for my grant today and used arty words like "performative", hopefully that is a point in my favour. I didn't go wild with the arty words, just enough! It's a delicate balance. I don't want to make the reader feel stupid and resentful of me and not want to give me money.

I haven't gotten any dates out of Plenty Of Fish yet. There seem to be a lot of very young people on the site and I am sort of looking for folks between 25 and 45. That's a twenty year age span, surely it is a large enough net to ensnare some lucky girl!

This week I found out I am getting surgery FOR SURE on Monday, THIS MONDAY!!!! The same day my grant is due. I have to see my family doctor tomorrow for a history and physical form and also to go over my medications and see if there are any I have to stop taking for the general anesthetic. I'm nervous I will have some terrible interaction and wake up to them defibrillating me or some such shit! But all I can do is trust the doctors and my surgeon. I've never been put under, I am worried I will get all panicky! But I will be out so fast and then wake up seemingly seconds later and it will be done. I have to spend a night in the hospital. I am planning to read about the holocaust. I didn't mean to read about something so depressing, but I got Night by Elie Wiesel from the used bookstore when we took our books there, and I dunno, it seems like it would hold my attention. I'll take some other books too. Maybe Whatever Happened To Princess Paragon, which is a REALLY good book and one I re-read at least once every three years. It's been about three years since I last read it, so I may as well read it again. Plus it is so entertaining.

I've been to the welfare office this morning. It wasn't as antagonistic as I worried it would be. Actually she was really nice, she meaning the intake worker. I got my direct deposit form in and my other supporting documentation, so hopefully next week I will get some cash to pay my rent. I also got a form to take to the transit office to continue my 20 dollar bus passes for the next six months. AND a new form for the leisurecard program. It lets me into civic facilities like the pools and gyms and tracks for free! I got one last year and only used it once. This time I will really really use it!

Well, it seems like it has been long enough that I can go downstairs again and check on my support material. Tomorrow is my last day on the needle job!!! :'( Sob! I am going to miss it, but also it is getting too hard to find them with all these yellow leaves everywhere. I won't have a reason to wake up at 8am anymore! I still will though, I don't want to get all in a rut and wake up at noon everyday again. I hate missing the part of the day with the sun.

Wee Wee Cars

2011-09-24T21:19:00.000-06:00

When my cousin Steven was a little boy, he called Police cars, Wee Wee Cars. Because of the noise they make. Wee wee wee wee.

I've been applying for jobs still, and still not getting called in for any interviews. I finally removed my BFA from my resume in the hopes that being less educated will get me more attention from hiring managers. Kinda sucks, but maybe it will help. Most of the jobs I am applying for, with some exceptions, don't give a damn if I have a BFA in film and video. In fact, that might make me overqualified.

I used to think maybe my job at the Avenue Community Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity was what was keeping people from calling me back, but it doesn't say "for Gender and Sexual Diversity" on my resume. Who knows?

I have an appointment next week for getting on Welfare. BLAH! The good thing is it will give me another leisure pass for a year, and six more months of 20 dollar bus passes. I've had 20 dollar bus passes for the last year, because of being on welfare and then being on Skills Training Benefit. It sure was sweet! A pass is 71 dollars a month normally, for such sketchy Saskatoon service. Sundays the buses don't even run past 9, and the rest of the time they stop at quarter after midnight. Which seems to run counter to reducing drunk driving. If Saskatoon really wanted to reduce drunk driving, they should have buses run until 2:30. At least on the weekends.

I am feeling politically frustrated with the Conservative government. I recently found out that growing six pot plants will get you a longer sentence than if you rape a toddler or make a five year old have sex with a dog. It's pretty sick! What the fuck?? Pot should just be decriminalized, even though I agree it is addictive.

I haven't had any pot today! :D I am feeling pretty good about that. It's really hard for me to go without, but I am doing okay. I haven't even thought about it that much. Maybe I can get over my marijuana addiction now. It's such a stupid addiction. I wish I could control it, but when I have it I just smoke and smoke until it is gone! I've burned through so much weed. SO MUCH! And it hasn't really gotten me anywhere I want to go. It's made me sluggish and stupid and lazy and it kicks my creativity in the ass in a bad way. I think better and have more energy when I am clean.

I am currently reading a book from the library called Empowering Your Sober Self. It's not a 12 step based program, it's called LifeRing and it is based more on building up your sober side than destroying your addict side. However it does require abstinence. And while I am clean for today, it is hard for me to say I will be clean tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Still, a secular approach to recovery is much more in tune with my needs. I don't believe in a higher power restoring me to sanity, it makes more sense for me to restore it myself.

I have been struggling with atheist questions. I don't think I am an atheist though, I think I am a Buddhist. That goes more along with what I believe to be spiritually true. And I like that Buddhist leaders say that you should always question what is taught with scientific truths and discard what doesn't ring true anymore. That's something Christians don't do. I don't believe every word of the Bible is true, that is for sure. I know it was written by falliable humans.

I won my second free play in a row on Lotto Max! Now the jackpot is 40 million and I am hoping my ticket is extra lucky!

I also learned in my Sober Self book that addicts of all stripes have two opposing factions within themselves, the side that wants to continue drinking/drugging, and the side that wants to stop and become sober. That's EXACTLY like me! I feel like I should get to know people closer to my age and not just in their twenties when drinking and drugs is a way of life. People closer to my age seem more invested in putting this kind of thing behind themselves. I don't know.

It could be worse, I could be doing meth! That would suck, start eating my own scabs. EW!

This all being said I have to admit I am having a beer while I write all this.

I recently got a Plenty of Fish profile and am going to try online dating. I don't know how I will do. People I have talked to have had good luck with it though. Already I found some very very cute mixed race folks. So maybe maybe maybe I will get some dates out of it.

My mom tells me I am hard to have a conversation with. I guess this is true. But sometimes, I dunno, it just seems like too much effort to try and have a conversation. LOL!

A million is not what it used to be.

2011-09-17T14:42:00.000-06:00

I apologize for how my last post was all squished together with no paragraph breaks, I was trying the new Blogger interface and IT SUCKS! I don't like it, I switched back.

I am home alone, I have been home alone for a few days now, Mom's coming back into town today after supper. I have to do the dishes still. My cousin ate almost all our bread. And we are poor! :( Bread is getting pricey, it's four or five bucks for a loaf now. Makes me think we should make our own.

I kind of fell off the no smoking wagon by accident last night. What I mean is I smoked a joint that turned out to have some tobacco in it. Sneaky sneaky!!! :O I feel awkward about this, it makes me wonder if I should only stick to joints I personally roll. I don't want to get triggered into smoking again. Tobacco is pretty gross, people shouldn't mix it with something as nice as marijuana.

Last night I saw Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS in glorious 35mm print. It was just as gross and sexy as I remember it. My friend Stef and I used to rent it from some alternative video store in Vancouver back in the mid nineties and laugh and laugh. Ilsa makes some pretty funny noises when she is having an orgasm.

I also saw a show at AKA and PAVED Arts last night called PsycheDADA which was pretty awesome. My favorite was my friend Keith Murray's installation.

Wow, what a review! Ha ha, I am not the best at writing reviews of shows.

I'm feeling frustrated by my lack of income. I've gotten in touch with people who say they have editing work for me, but then they just don't get in touch with me again. It's depressing me a bit because I know if I got just one decently sized job I could pay my rent and buy a macbook and the software required.

I also have to write a grant to make a video about being butch. I don't know if I will get a provincial grant to make such a queer video, but there is so little queer video being made in Saskatchewan that I think they should support it. I'm not even going to ask for very much, maybe five or six thousand dollars. I really want to make my Mars video, and I have been frustrated by the lack of financial support I have received to make it. People say I should make it anyway.

OMG! I have a ticket for Lotto Max, I should check it today! That would get me out of the house for twenty minutes. Well, fifteen probably, the corner store isn't very far. OH! But no one won the 20 million, it's up to 30 now. Lottery tickets feel like my only hope of getting out of poverty, it's depressing.
LATER: I just walked to the store all the way thinking "Please let me win 100 dollars!" I didn't win 100 dollars, but when I did check my ticket I won a free play for next week's draw for 30 million. So the hope stays alive for another week!

I really only buy lottery tickets just so I can day dream about what I will do with all that money. It would be so amazing. I could make any video I wanted to!

There are a few jobs coming up that I am going to apply for. I'm feeling a little silly applying for work right now, when I am six days away from surgery and will probably be out of commission for a little while. I don't want to get a job right away and then have to be home or at the hospital for a week healing. It would be kinda weird. Then again, I sort of HAVE to keep applying for work, just because my income is so terribly limited and once the snow falls I won't have a job at all! You can't pick up needles when they are under ice and snow.

I think there is something wrong with my resumes and cover letters, and I don't know what it is. I've tried everything it seems. I did a new resume listing off skills I have, but it still hasn't gotten me an interview.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Money sucks, I wish we could just barter. Or something. No, money is important, but it's also a terrible trap I think. And people kill themselves and other people over it. Sad.

Sometimes I wonder if it would really be such a good thing winning the lottery. I know I would have friends come out of the woodwork wanting my money, and that would be really awkward. And family. People have lost their entire winnings from others taking their money. That sucks. If I won I would want it to set me up for financial security for life. I don't imagine I would even spend that much, 30 million is a lot of dollars. Then again, the cost of living keeps going up and up and up! A million is not what it used to be.

It was three weeks this morning!

2011-09-12T21:11:00.001-06:00

At 8:25 or so this morning, it was 3 weeks since I have had a cigarette! :D I am so excited about this. I have to remember I can't have one puff ever again of a cigarette, or I will be right back where I started. And I don't want to go through these last three weeks all over again. Not when I have come so far!Life has been uneventful otherwise. I have done my part time job and looked for other work and tried to get some editing contracts, unsuccessfully thus far. It's really too bad! I really need money. I tried to call in to the local radio station to win some money, but no such luck, the on air line was just busy. So oh well. I can try again. It would be nice to suddenly end up with 300 or 600 or 1000 dollars. Just to get some debt paid up. Like my rent. UGH! I feel bad for not having my rent this month. I did buy groceries though, but not a lot. I hate being poor.Nicotine Replacement Therapy is pretty pricey, about as much as the smoking habit costs, so I had to stop my nicorette lozenges today. I quit the patch last week, with no real problems. But I still had those lozenges to fall back on. And now I don't! I have tic tacs, but they aren't really as strong of a mint flavour as the lozenges were. I am looking for Altoids, but they don't seem to be sold everywhere like they used to be. Do you remember when Altoids were everywhere? Who knew I would look back fondly on those days?I'm always so damned wishy washy about pot. Well, I am not buying it right now. I am out. I have no intention of buying more anytime soon, but I can't make promises about the future. All I can say is right now I am going to take a break and then re evaluate.What I really need to do is take a six week break, the exact length of time it takes for the THC to get out of your system. Or, to stop showing up in drug tests anyway. I need to get my life together. Why is art labour so cheap? I wish I could get paid a decent amount of money for being creative. I don't even know why I am an artist. When I worry about getting food for my dog, I really question why I am a first nations lesbian video artist. It doesn't rake in the dough!If I hadn't failed a whole semester of university when I was going crazy in 2001, I could have gotten into at least one of the Masters programs I applied for, but I failed so I didn't get in. It fucked my GPA and I don't know how to ever fix it, even though I was descending into madness and it was just a doomed semester. I dropped out right after, if that gives you any indication as to my state of mind, and promptly moved to Montreal the following summer. Where all hell broke loose! But then I went back to school and finished my BFA and did all those credits again. But still, a whole semester of Fs! :OAnd I had never ever gotten a single F in my whole academic career before!I think a C is the worst I get usually. Mostly it's Bs.I am tired of feeling slowed down because of my pot use. I just think I really REALLY need to see what life is like without it. For a while anyway. I haven't even been getting very high lately, so it's kind of useless for me to smoke it. It just makes me feel relaxed, and I have been reading this quit smoking book called Think Quit and it has all these exercises in it for relaxation. And they work. So I am starting to realize that I have some options. I think it's really been just so I can relax that I smoke weed. I know there is a high feeling, but it's not always strong. Mostly it's just the relaxation I like.I don't want to go to treatment though. BLAH! I would feel silly talking about my weed use. In front of people getting off dilaudid or morphine or hard liquor or whatever. So I am going to keep going to my dual diagnosis group. Concurrent disorders, they call it. There are various names for addicted mentally ill folks. But anyway, I like this group because I feel like I fit in better, even though most of the people who come are men. I bought a Lotto Max ticket today for the 20 Million, I hope I win because then I can say to those people who call lotteries Stupidity Tax "I won 20 Million! Now who's stupid!" :DMy neck hurts. I have been at the computer all evening looking at jobs. I applied for one. I think I wrote a better cover letter than my other ones. Maybe I will finally get an interview. I used to get interviews a lot easier. I wonder what has changed.I won't smell like a cigarette when I go to the interview, when I finally get one. That will be a point in my favour.I'm going to miss smoking stuff if I give up weed too. I still have some tea shisha, but I dunno, I am not super into it and I am also worried it is too close to tobacco for me to smoke, even though it is tea leaves instead of tobacco. So I wonder what I should do with my mouth instead of smoking. I should go outside and sing a song for five minutes and then come back in. That might be socially awkward, but if I held my hat out I might make some pocket change. Unless I am singing at home. In which case my Mom will make fun of me.I keep being in these dire situations with no money. I think I need to get a job that I commit to for longer than a year. Enough waiting on grants that never come! Also that reminds me, I still have to find out when APTN is accepting development proposals!Keep on trucking!

Long overdue personal changes

2011-09-02T17:51:00.000-06:00

I just got back from three nights and four days (or three and a half?) at Anglin Lake, staying in one of the Land of The Loon Resort cabins soaking in Northern Saskatchewan life. I got one of those funguses that grow on tree trunks that looks like a shelf. The Dene burn it for a smudge, so I am drying it out on the car dashboard for future use! :D

While I was up there I didn't smoke ANY tobacco OR marijuana. It was really nice to get a break from pot, I was surprised how little I even thought about it. Sometimes when I can't have any for a while I get really antsy and anxious. But I was okay. And the no smoking has been going on for quite a while actually. I started patches and lozenges again nearly three weeks ago and did have a couple puffs off of pipe tobacco cigarettes (grody!) every morning for the first week just to get me going, but now the first thing I have in the morning is a nicotine lozenge and the itchy sensation of transdermal nicotine sinking into my shoulder. In three weeks I am going off the patches completely, and then a week after that I am going to switch from nicotine lozenges to altoids.

The other exciting thing that happened was I actually got in the drivers seat and drove twice while I was up north. I drove my mom and I from our cabin to the store at Christopher Lake. And then when we came back from PA from a shopping trip I drove into the site from the highway, dodging the worst holes in the worst 10 km of roadway I have ever seen! For those who don't know, I have never passed my drivers test. I only ever took it three times, back when I was 16 and 17. And then I just kind of gave up. No one liked driving with me so I hardly ever got practice, except for my six hours with the driver's ed instructor. But since then I have matured and mom got on anti-anxiety medication, so it's actually worked out pretty good. Anyway, I am 33 now and still don't have a driver's license, just a learners. But after driving up there, I have decided I am seriously going to practice a lot and take my test before November 11. Because there won't be snow on the ground and also just because remembrance day was the first date in november that popped into my head. I should have picked Guy Fawkes day instead or something though, Novembrance Day as a deadline for my road test is kind of silly.

Having a driver's license would be a HUGE change for me, and would give me a lot more freedom and independence, especially in Saskatoon, a sprawling north american prairie city where you pretty much have to have a car to do anything beyond the bus routes. Our public transportation system is pretty sad. Buses only go until 12:15am, and 9:15pm on Sundays, even worse!

I am not ready to say goodbye to pot, it's been a long time friend and I still like it. I think the only reason I want to quit it is for other people, and I think that's the wrong reason. I should quit because I want to quit, and not because other people think I should quit. I think I need to be more responsible with it, but cutting it out of my life entirely seems harsh.

But the lack of tobacco in my life has been really sweet. Food tastes better, my fingers aren't yellow, I don't smell, my cough has mostly gone away, I have less phlegm in my throat, I'm not spending beaucoup de money on something I burn away, well, except for pot. It's good. And for some reason using the patch and the lozenge has really been working well for me this time around. I can only think of one difference.

The lozenges now also come in mini lozenges. This might not sound like a big difference, but now I get 4mg of nicotine in ten minutes, instead of the 35-45 minutes it took the big 4mg lozenges to dissolve. And because they dissolve so fast, I can use a more reasonable amount of them throughout the day because my mouth can't eat or drink caffinated drinks while I am sucking on a lozenge and it just takes too much of my time.

I don't have cravings for cigarettes anymore, I know it will be weird when I am around my smoking friends, so far I have stayed inside when they go outside to smoke and that helps. I know it will be a trigger to be around someone who could potentially give me a cigarette, but I am really REALLY resolved not to ask for one. And being clean of cigarettes for so long is something I really want to maintain, just because the first three days are so hard.

I don't miss smoking. When I want to breathe smoke I can just have a joint, and besides, breathing smoke is kind of creepy. I remember when I went to the Body Worlds exhibit, the fact that I could tell which people were smokers in their lives really freaked me out. BLACK LUNGS! No trace of pink, just black black black.

And I was tired of being anxious every time I heard a breakthrough cancer treatment was YEARS down the road still, just in case my smoking would finally trigger all that bad stuff it does and I would need that breakthrough cancer treatment and it wouldn't be available for me.

So anyway. Things are finally shifting in my life. I feel relieved that this quit has been smoother and easier, I am excited about practicing and becoming a better, competent driver and getting a piece of paper that says I am legally allowed to drive without anyone else in the car, just me and Mister or me alone or me and a friend or three. And I wrote down some other goals too while I was up north. I am going to write my whole Mars webseries, get my business off the ground, try to get a grant to go to Germany and make a video (but I have to think of a project still! Eeek!), and something else. I wrote it down anyway, so I haven't totally forgotten, or if I have I will soon be reminded. I also wrote down deadlines for each goal, and steps to take to make each one happen.

I lost four sizes in the last year. FOUR SIZES!!!! That's what having a rotten gallbladder will do for you! I hardly eat fat anymore, and I have way less soda, and I have also got a job where I walk for at least six hours a week. So I am way more physically fit, although I am still technically plus sized. I'd be happy to stay at a size fourteen for a while, I like that I still have a roundness to my tummy and cushy boobs and a bigger bum. I don't think I want to be a size twelve.

My pants were all way too big for me. Only one of them fit, so I went to the Old Navy 17 dollar jeans sale and got three pairs of jeans. Which is pretty much the only kind of pants I wear. I'm glad this time I have not lost weight due to mania, because A: that kind of weight loss is way too fast and comes back pretty quick, and losing and gaining in a short space of time isn't very healthy, and B: Mania sucks and psychosis has ruined my life twice and I'd rather it didn't happen again.

I am giving up looking for a girlfriend right now. I don't think there is anyone suitable in Saskatoon, or if there is I don't know it yet. I'd really like to be with someone, but it's not happening and I don't feel like going hunting in the two gay bars here. That was something I was more into in my early 20's. And my mom is right anyway, you shouldn't marry anyone you meet in a bar. Besides, I am weird, I need someone who wants a weirdo. And I dunno, I don't get the feeling the lesbians are clamouring after me here, there are a whole bunch of strikes against me. Or it feels that way. I need a certain something that isn't here. And I don't even have a good dating history in Saskatoon for people to get references from as to my abilities of a girlfriend. I only have one ex who lives here. And she doesn't know any of my friends or social circle, so no one can ask her what I am like. And I don't think she would give a good answer either. If I had to get a girlfriend reference from any of my exes, I think I would pick Amber Dawn, I was with her the longest, except for Ivana, but she lived in Toronto, so it was different. But Amber Dawn lives in Vancouver.

I feel like I am moving into a new phase of my life. I'm really not sure what is going to happen to me, but except for my money troubles, things are going really positively for me. I wish I had more financial security, like a guaranteed income, but I am starting a business and that does poke along the first year in stops and starts. My big flaw is that I am still learning how to do sales calls, and I feel really awkward about trying to chase down some clients. This next week I am going to work on my website and get it more ship shape. I am also going to create my reel to upload, which I really think I need if I want to prove to people that I can edit.

I am going to Saskatoon Tribal Council on Tuesday to see if they can pay for me to have some driving lessons with a professional instructor before my exam. And I have resolved to practice way way more often. I'm nervous about being in traffic, so far I have driven with not much traffic around, but I will work up to it.

I don't know what else to say today. My trip was great. Caring for my grandparents the whole time was intense though. And worrying about my grandma's back.

We went canoeing, which was also fun and something I hadn't done in years and years. I accidentally dumped my mum out though when we hit land. Her shoes are still wet!

If I could give advice to myself

2011-08-22T16:02:00.000-06:00

If I could give myself advice 10 years ago, it would be this:

Get Airmiles and get your prescriptions at the Safeway Pharmacy. You will see so many movies for free this way!

Don't feel so embarrassed by what you are going to do in the next few years, because mania is part of an illness and it is what it is and does what it does to most of the people who have it in a very similar way. Lots of people end up thinking they are some kind of messiah and it's just a different kind of symptom than most physical illnesses.

Maintain good boundaries and don't get caught up in drama other people stir up. It makes you look better.

Don't accept being bullied because that is not acceptable.

Don't be afraid to fall in love, and don't be afraid to be alone, because you mostly will be alone anyway.

Don't forget to go out and do things on your own because independence is a good thing no matter what people say about women on their own.

Don't feel like you have to ride a motorcycle and eat beef ribs and never get fucked back to be a proper butch. That's just silly, no one gets to make any rules about what butch is.

Do love your friends and spend at least some time daydreaming about crushes, because that is fun and will make the rest of your mid twenties to mid thirties bearable!

Keep trying Velveeta's number because sometimes she is not paranoid of collectors and will pick up the phone and then you can hear her great laugh that makes rooms of people laugh it is so funny!

Don't hold grudges unless someone was consistently an asshole to you and doesn't deserve another chance.

Be prepared to cry lots and lots and then not cry for four years and then being able only to cry once in a very long while when fictitious elves die.

Start entering any contest you find and looking online for printable coupons. You will not regret it, it's even better than the lottery.

Buy lottery tickets for the moment of hope, but don't expect to be able to quit your job anytime soon. And make sure to sign your ticket ALWAYS!

Nurture your friendships.

Visit your grandparents as much as you can.

Don't be so depressed when you move back to Saskatoon. It is not actually that bad of a place to live.

Get counseling about your experience in the psych ward in Montreal.

That time you quit smoking for six months because you were kissing someone cute, keep not smoking!!!!

********************************************

Well that is what I would say. I have started taking these tiny nicorette mint lozenges that only take about 12 to 15 minutes to melt away and it's a LOT better. I have them every couple of hours when I am really having a nic fit. And it's redirected my focus. They are kind of like altoids. I did have a couple puffs of pipe tobacco in a blue zig zag this morning, but I got grossed out and put it out. I haven't had any since. I have mostly not smoked, except for in the mornings right when I wake up. Mornings are tricky for me. I wake up and the first thing I naturally think is "YAY! I get to go have a cigarette!" Seriously, exactly that wording too! And so while I am sleeping I am not conciously thinking about my quit and so I forget about it and wake up and am still all "YAY! I get to go have a cigarette!" And it's kind of a downer to think "NO YOU DON'T!" right after so early in the morning.

Oh, I have to tell you about my big score! My Christian Lacroix airplane bracelet came in the mail today from OutTV, and so did my 2 admissions 2 drinks 1 popcorn voucher from Airmiles, and then I googled Nicorette Patch Printable Coupon and got a coupon for 5 dollars off! That's so much betterer! More better! From now on it's all Airmiles, Contests, and Coupons! To hell with grant writing, this is more instant gratification!

Although to be serious, I am applying for funds soon again, like within the next six months, and it could be in a few weeks and it could be later. But I am going to actually try my luck with APTN. The Industry! OMG! I hope I don't get chewed up by the Industry and spit out on a black list when Harper tries to take over the arts to crush our spirits!

Jack Layton died this morning. It was the first thing I heard and made me feel sort of alone. Like, what! Noooo! But I knew it was going to happen, his last public appearance he looked like a skeleton. Poor guy. Cancer sucks! What will happen to us now?

Demoralized!

2011-08-15T22:33:00.000-06:00

So I guess I should recap, which is that I didn't get my grant. I am applying for a job everyday and just waiting to be called back for an interview. I am also exploring a different idea of what to do with my Mars video. I am going to make a web series out of it, which means I am applying for totally different funds. More Industry funds, which is scary because me and the Industry have a rocky relationship. I think I shocked a few people back in the day, when to be a Thirza was shocking. I don't think I shock anyone now. Is that good or bad? Maybe I have lost my edge.

It's a bummer. Oh well, so the Canada Council doesn't want to fund me. And because it's the second time I've applied with that project, I can't apply again. Which is a major bummer! UGH!

I don't get it. I don't understand funding decisions. Sometimes I think total crap decisions get made.

It's like playing the lottery really. Which I also do.

I won a free play on my Lotto Max ticket and the next jackpot is 40 million dollars! Maybe I will win! Then I never have to network with the right people to get a Canada Council grant!

Oh god I sound bitter. Well, looking for work sucks. I don't like it. It's really demoralizing. And writing grants and not getting them is demoralizing too.

So I am applying for some development money to pay a little bit of living so I can buy a computer that isn't from 2003. Why it's almost as old as I have been a diagnosed manic depressive!!! I should also really apply for a loan for my business. Try try try!

But I do need something to live on. It would be nice to get a contract and do some editing work for somebody. Then I would feel like it was worth the trouble to incorporate. Yeah, that's a real good ad for my services.

(But seriously, if you want me to edit for you get in touch, I do good work!)

I did apply for one job that was 20 dollars an hour and had a P.O. Box instead of an email or street address. It was all a bit mysterious. I actually put paper inside of an envelope and put a stamp on it and walked to the mailbox near the four way stop and put it in. It was almost quaint. I thought how exciting it was, because of course now everything is instant. I guess they don't want to be pestered by follow up phone calls and emails. Which I am told, according to all the job hunting websites, I am supposed to do. But I feel like a pest, I mean, what do you say really?? I don't want to be a bug.

I dropped by the school to drop of copies of receipts and get a cheque and one of the people who works there gave me a bit of a pep talk about getting my business off the ground. She said "My tax dollars didn't pay for you to be employed!" Meaning not self employed. It's true, I really need to put more work into it. I know there must be someone who needs editing done or can make a deal with me for some cash in exchange for video services.

Some of the jobs I applied for sound exciting, in weird ways. I am avoiding call centre jobs, although I don't mind answering the phone for people in an office. I just know I am a shitty employee but a marvelous worker when it comes to call centre jobs. I do it really well but I don't want to do it. So my absenteeism goes up when I am working those jobs. It's because people are mean to call centre employees. People are assholes actually!

And I am tired of assholes, I already have one.

See, if I was nineteen again maybe I would insert a paragraph here about anal sex or anal fisting more likely, but I am not nineteen anymore so you will have to suck it up buttercup!

I've had a weird few days. Week or so really. I am super emotional these days but it's okay. I am fine, just having emotions and not really being used to them because I didn't have them for so long. It's kind of crazy, because I have a mood disorder, and so I don't trust my moods. I'm really suspicious of them and I am happier but not necessarily healthier when I don't have emotions for a really long time. Maybe happy is the wrong word. I don't know. I am more carefree when I am not suffering from emotional responses to external situations. But it's a little bit cold and makes people feel weird. Someone wanted me to cry with them once and I couldn't cry, it was awkward.

I am a robot!

A meaty robot.

So life is all about adapting to weird situations. I actually did increase my job search to all of Canada, but then my Mom told me I couldn't just leave her so I went back to just looking in Saskatoon.

Such horrible news!

2011-08-09T22:22:00.000-06:00

No, I still haven't heard about my grant. What horrible news I am talking about is the massacre of the uncontacted tribe in the Amazon by drug traffickers from Peru. Such a sickening thing to hear about. And even if the tribe did manage to hide or flee, they have had contact with those people and have therefore suddenly been exposed to viruses they don't have immunity for.

It pisses me off. I fucking hate genocide, and all because of drugs. So fucked up! Why? Ugh! I have done coke in the past, but I am never touching it again because for all I know these genocidal murderers have been implicated in it. BAH!

I never much liked cocaine anyway. It always seemed like a stupid drug, all it did was keep me from being able to sleep. Who needs that? I like sleep!

On to other things:

I have decided to start shooting for my video, even though I don't have my grant yet. I kind of have to, this annual carnival called the Exhibition is in town and it features heavily in the beginning of Mars: The Maiden Voyage. And I am finishing shooting in January, should I get funding, and I want to have the video done by July, and the Ex won't come back again until next August. So here I go! I'm excited, it should be fun, and we will have a car to go put the equipment in while we take a shooting break to go on some rides. I am doing green screen to put the actors in later, and it will be the first time I've done that in a video I've intended to distribute.

I didn't hear about my grant today. I already mentioned that. Well I called the Canada Council to inquire about when the results are coming out and they told me they were just finishing admin stuff and the results would be out "shortly." What does that mean? A week? Three days? I don't know. So after I got off the phone I was kind of like "Gee, that is highly vague!" And then I was frustrated again. But there is nothing to do but wait!

I'm excited about going out shooting video! YAY! VIDEO! I love video. It is my favorite thing in the world, I am going to marry it. I haven't done any serious shooting with a purpose for my own career since You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I used to be so prolific. Now I am just, I dunno. I did do some work that is currently invisible to the public, like writing Bunnyhug and half my Mars script. Writing scripts seems so invisible. Like, who is going to see them really? I always used to give copies of Bunnyhug on PDF to close friends and none of them ever said anything to me about it again. I have absolutely no feedback on it, it is kind of weird! It makes me miss being in school where everyone had an opinion on my art in progress. Crits are actually pretty great.

It's been a strange life. Such a strange life! Oh well. It is my life.

bell hooks had this thing about the X class, an intellectual/artistic group of highly educated people who are also extremely poor. It really resonated with me. Van Gogh would have been X class. He was always asking his brother Theodore for money to keep making his art. We read some of those letters in art school. He was so broke while he was alive. I think every artist has a fear of being Van Gogh. Brilliant but totally disregarded until after death. Other people making a profit out of the passion that just cost you money your whole life. And totally mad of course. You have to flirt at least once with madness if you are a creative genius.

Actually some artists get really pissed off if you point out that there is a higher incidence of mental health issues (especially bipolar disorder) among artists than the general population. People don't like artistic and crazy mixing up.

When I am manic my art is really weird, I don't really like it after. And when I am depressed I make kind of serious hopeless videos. I like when I make comedy the best. It just makes me feel happy to make people laugh. Touched By Fire by Kay Redfield Jamieson is a really good book about creativity and manic depression. My Dad gave me a copy when I first got diagnosed bipolar. It helped me feel more comfortable with my diagnosis, even though it was so grim, all those creative family trees dotted with suicides.

Anyway, it is late here, and I have to get up and go to work in the morning. I guess I won't get my grant results tomorrow either. God, the suspense is killing me! Ahhhhhhh!

Sometimes I want to be beautiful

2011-08-07T21:55:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday, and tomorrow is the day I made a bet with my mother that my grant results would come. I really hope they do. I am ready to make a big video. I want to work on art. I want to make something so beautiful people will fall in love with me and not be able to help themselves. Like the end of the book Perfume where he finally uses his magic beautiful girl perfume and everyone thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world and eat him. Although I don't want to be eaten.

Maybe eaten out!

It's been an alright weekend, I went to bed at 9 on Friday night because I was still pretty exhausted from this flu I have had for over a week. My nose has been runny, I started out with a sore throat, and coughing set in a couple of days into it and hasn't abated. For all of my long weekend I was in bed or on the couch just feverish and sleeping and sleeping and waking up to cough and blow my nose. UGH! I actually don't get sick very often, but when I do it gets pretty serious! And then there was the week and then this weekend this stupid flu was still hanging on! I'm glad it's more or less over now, just a little coughing and blowing my nose once in a while, not every five seconds. Last night I worked on my company's website with my web designer, and that was fun! I haven't had such a productive Saturday night in a really long time!

But yeah, it is nearing the end of summer and I haven't gone camping at all, which really makes me sad because I want to go to a lake, and I am so desperately poor. I get paid from my needle job on Wednesday, but it won't be even 200 bucks because I am so part time. Soo, I will probably be able to pay for some smokes, but that's about it, I need to give mum some of it for the rent, because I am so late paying that. It's really been waiting to see if I get my grant. I feel foolish being so dependent on what a jury has decided my future will be. I have already been turned down from the regular media arts grant for this project, and I hope there won't be a repeat of that in the aboriginal media arts category. But I don't really know. And then I am worried maybe people will think the project is too commercial, that I should apply for telefilm money, which I can't apply for anyway because I haven't made a feature. But you can't make a feature until you get telefilm money. UGH! I am thinking of making Bunnyhug with a cast of unknowns on a 60,000 grant from Canada Council, just so I can say I have made a feature. It wouldn't be that hard, there are no special effects, the only tough part would be the invertebrate zoo scene and getting a bunch of invertebrates for the set. Where would I find a live octopus? These are the questions I must answer.

I am really happy these days. And I don't know why. Since getting turned down for future shenanigans by Cutie I thought I would be sadder, but I am actually doing pretty good. I haven't had a supply of marijuana fueling me these last few days. I wonder if that is it? It's kind of weird, because I smoke pot to feel happy since often I feel sad, but I haven't smoked any except for, uh, well two bowls in the last 28 hours. But none today. And none for three days before then. I just have no money to buy more. And I don't feel that desperate need where I go all around the house looking through all my pockets repeatedly looking for a roach. It's really nice!

I hope I don't get rejected by Canada Council tomorrow and get all depressed and despondent. That would suck, and I would be scrambling to try and solve my financial crisis. Which means getting a job, and I have had shitty luck getting interviews. I haven't been called back by Saskatchewan Research Council for their Interactive Communications Specialist position, which troubles me, because I thought I would be AWESOME for that position, even if I did get my grant. And they were looking for someone disabled to fill their quota, and of course I acknowledged I was disabled on the application. I also checked the aboriginal box, but I am not sure if that is wise or not. I don't know, people won't give me a chance it seems, which is why opening my own business seemed to be the most sensible thing to do. But not being able to get a loan really screwed me up.

I am tired of being so poor. Even my friends are tired of me being poor. The three people I spend time with most all make well over 30,000 a year and this year I will be lucky if I made even 12,000. It sucks! And I want to do the fun things they want to do but often I have a budget of 20 bucks for an evening of fun and they have at least 60 bucks to spend and I feel really shitty and unhappy about it. And they will want to go out and I won't be able to afford anything besides cover and one drink. Depressing! I want to be able to pay my way, and it is really frustrating that I often have to stay at home.

That was one thing I really liked about Berlin, it didn't cost that much to go out and have a bunch of drinks. Here drinks out are so expensive, about 6 or 7 bucks for a drink now. BLAHHHH!

Total rip off. It makes more sense to drink at home but friends who make over 30,000 a year tend to want to go out where the nightlife is happening.

Well whatever. My Mom is leaving for Wisconsin for 12 days soon and I am going to have a few hot tub parties and then I can drink at home and be fine! Ha! If I have money. Sigh.

Money is terrible.

I really do wish I was so beautiful people fell all over themselves when I walked into the room. Oh well. I guess I am cute. To certain people. People who appreciate butch women. And that is the other thing about trying to get work, people don't like hiring butch women. Maybe I will dress super femme next time I get an interview, a dress and make up and everything! Where would I get a dress?

I'm getting really skinny. I mean, I still have a round tummy, but none of my pants fit anymore. They all keep falling down my ass, and my butt doesn't look so nice because it isn't as big either and now my pants are all baggy back there. And my bra is getting baggy. I am losing my boobs and butt! OH NOES!

Being a video artist in Saskatoon is like making drawings for the blind!

2011-08-06T15:55:00.000-06:00

School is officially OVER! Now I have been flung into the cold cruel world of next to no income and trying to figure out a way to get my business running. I still have no equipment, but if I got a big enough contract I am sure I could get some. So it is pretty frustrating. I am picking up used needles in the core neighborhood until the snow flies, so that is giving me a very modest income, not even enough for my rent which went up over 50% this month, from 400 to 612 or something like that. Obviously I haven't been able to pay it yet, which makes me feel depressed. It includes utilities, so at least I don't have to pay that. But whew, pricey! The good news is I am moving out of the basement and into where the computer room currently is, with south facing big windows and plenty of space.

I am still waiting to hear about my grant, it seems to take SO LONG to find out! I know, I know, there is a whole process to it and it can't be rushed. But the Exhibition is happening SOON and I need to do some shooting there for my project. I have decided to get shots and then green screen my actors in, since I can't possibly cast and make costumes in just a few days. Hopefully it works, I can only hope! I haven't done green screen since I was in film school, and even then it was only for an assignment and not for something I actually cared about. I understand how to do it, I just need a really good screen and even lighting. A light meter will help, even though it is just for video.

I got turned down in the nicest way possible by someone I recently had a fling with, so now I have a friend, which is just as good. I really liked her, but it was never going to work out anyway for various reasons, mostly to do with extreme distance. It's too bad, but she was really nice about it so I appreciate it, and it is better than being lead on, which has also happened to me somewhat recently with someone else. My Susan Miller horoscope promises that some planet or something will be in my house of true love for eight months this next year, so I still might meet someone new. I don't know. We'll see. I don't have much hope though, pickings in Saskatoon are pretty slim.

I have decided to move in a couple of years to Winnipeg. I am getting tired of how few quality jobs there are here for me, and how few people. And the art scene here is pretty bitchy, and at least back in 1999 Winnipeg had a very supportive arts community, with plenty of video art being made, and film. And the cost of living is equivalent to here. At least, that is the impression I have. I don't really know if Winnipeg will be a good home, I have a feeling it will be, but it could be just as difficult to crack the job market as Vancouver or Saskatoon. I am going to try and get a job there before I move though.

I decided on two years because I want to stay here until my Grandparents have passed on, but if they are still alive in two years I am still going to move. I just don't think I can really flourish in Saskatoon. I did so well in Vancouver in terms of my video career, and here I am just not even thought of for art things at all! Nobody cares about queer or first nations video art here. It's depressing, because that's what I do! It's like doing drawings for the blind. There are a couple of queer visual arts things which happen once in a long while, but I am never invited to participate. This town sucks ass in terms of advancing my career.

I have been thinking about moving for ages, but I always thought of Toronto. Now I am thinking Toronto is too far and too big and too expensive. People who move there have a really hard time finding work. And I know I would always be scrabbling and broke and hungry. And I don't want to be hungry again!

So that is what is up with me. I am hoping my video got into ImagineNATIVE and that I can go to Toronto in the fall and see some friends and network and that sort of thing. I haven't been out east in ages. Unless you count me being at the airport on the way to and from Berlin, but I don't count airport stops as actual visits to a city.

I really want to get into making my new video, I should really start making myself sit down and put in at least two hours of writing a day into finishing the script. And I have to do some research. I really need to start reading more about Mars colonization and terraforming and learn the lingo of astronauts. I suppose watching some 2001 A Space Odyssey would help too. Maybe. I have a lot to learn! And I need to start sketching what I want the ship to look like, and what the ufo will look like, and that sort of thing. There are lots of decisions to be made! But anyway, maybe if I sit down and write it will send out good energy for my grant to come through, even though I know the decision on whether or not my project merits funding has already been made.

Mum is also really depending on me getting this grant. We are on tenterhooks just freaking out and getting nervous! She is going on EI and trying to get a two year grant, but she won't know about that until January. So it is SUPER important that I get the grant this year. I really hope I do. I want to sink my teeth into some substantial videomaking!

Writing then getting tired while waiting

2011-07-25T21:37:00.000-06:00

My Dad is in town and I got a message many hours ago that he was in a cafe and since then I haven't heard anything from him! WTH? It's not like he could get lost, it is Saskatoon. You just follow the river and you will find somewhere again.

Well anyway. I have to write two pages about the progress of my business. Which hasn't progressed much at all. I did learn some things about my craft, and how to run a business, and how to not run a business. And I do still want it to take off, and I am pretty sure it will, eventually. So I don't know how to make that sound good. I have been keeping my eyeballs peeled on job ads and I just tonight found one that involves my writing and film/videomaking skills. Sooo, I am going to apply for it, and they are particularly looking for people with disabilities, which is a plus. I should find out about my grant around the time they are calling people back for interviews. It would be nice to actually apply my film school training to a job. I think that could make me happy. It would keep my brain active. So that is the immediate future.

I think it would pay decently too, which would be nice. I could use a decent pay cheque. It would be nice to make enough to put a down payment on a house. I really want to own my own place. I will eventually. I just need 300,000 dollars! Canadian! Not even American!

Something is going to happen, something positive. Who knows what it will be. I have to write more. But it ain't gonna happen!

So I guess I will see Dad after 1:30 tomorrow? That's silly. Oh well. Good thing I have all morning to write. I will be extra attentive!

Waiting is terrible!

2011-07-24T12:11:00.000-06:00

I am so horribly broke right now. I need to find some receipts and turn them in for some money back. But where did I put them? They are in the house for sure SOMEWHERE! I will find them, I WILL!

Anyway. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to get an artist fee. Where's that? I bet I made 35 bucks!

Which is still more than I have right now.

And I am waiting, totally nervous, for the results of my grant. I am trying to remember how the packaging looks different, or does it? I don't remember! I should take notes on it this time, like if they use a fancy envelope and if they mail my support material back. But it's kind of silly, because by the time you see the Canada Council package, you open it so you know right away.

My Mum calls my art career money Magic Beans. She says to me "Are you counting on Magic Beans again?" The sad part is it's true, they are magic beans! But sometimes I get money to make a big piece of art. And it's really nice. Or I get decent artist fees. But I will never be able to sell a video for a million dollars. At least, no one has offered to pay that much. Matthew Barney sells his videos for megabucks. How does he do it?

Whatever. I really want to make some more art soon. It's good for the soul. I start feeling all clogged up if I don't make art on a regular basis, it's worse than not crying. Ugh, artists block sucks.

I need to make some small videos. About what, I don't know. I have some really nice footage I have been collecting. But I don't know what to do with it. I made something that looked nice, but then I had issues with the software. And anyway, Final Cut Pro is releasing a new version that old files won't work on. Which is kinda cruddy if you ask me.

Alien technology I bet! And it surely won't work on my old computer. I need a new computer. A Macbook.

I just ate the best saskatoon pielette!

Good Times for Thirza in Berlin!

2011-07-19T12:29:00.000-06:00

So I had an awesome time in Berlin. People liked the Queer Youth program I curated, and they really liked my videos at my retrospective. I spent time with lots of friends drinking lots of german beer and hanging out at the festival and then going to museums and out for coffees and beers and dinners with all kinds of people I know there. And I didn't misplace my passport and I made my flights home, except for the one from Toronto to Saskatoon. And I was pretty wiped from travelling all day already and nearly burst into tears after missing my flight because of having to pick up my bag at customs and not being able to find where it goes and having to wait in line to drop it off and then the security person went through all my stuff looking for a pocketknife which turned out to be a wrist restraint. I was kind of wondering if that was a good or bad idea to put in there. But the next flight to Saskatoon was only 3 hours later.

I want to go back! There is a place in Hamburg which offered me a residency, and that is fairly close to Berlin. Soooo, I am thinking about it. It might be nice to go there when I have to do all this editing on my next project. Like just work on it here and finish it over there. Hmmmm. I am thinking about it anyway.

I can see why so many Canadians I know keep going to Berlin, it is kind of addictive.

I have lots of stories from there that I am not going to tell on my blog, because they are kind of personal in a way I generally don't share on my blog. But I have some pretty sweet memories now! :D

So what else? KLM food is kinda gross. These other Canadians coming home from Kenya were asking "What does KLM mean? Did they just pick three letters in the alphabet?" They asked the stewardess who said some complicated thing in dutch and then said it meant Royal Dutch Airlines. But the alcoholic drinks are free. I actually didn't drink booze at all on the way home, and I could hardly sleep because those chairs pinch my tailbone fat. I just watched the map showing us flying over the Atlantic ocean. We weren't close enough to Greenland to look at all those glaciers though. I think if I was on the other side of the plane I could have maybe seen part of Iceland.

They have little fridges in Berlin, like what North Americans would call a bar fridge. And they don't have dryers.

It is a little dodgy eating there if you don't know the good places because there seems to be a lot of bad food, not sick making food, just bad blah food. BUT my friends did take me to some good places, and the food at the festival was really good.

I am happy to be home with my Little Mister. I really missed him. But I knew he was okay, because he was still with the other two dogs and Beatrix Kitty and Mum.

I missed the opening night of the last Harry Potter because I was in Germany. I am going to see it tonight! Exciting! Yay! We are seeing it in an AVX Theatre. I have never been in one before. But I got to use only 500 scene points to get my ticket! Yay!

Queen of the Last Minute

2011-06-30T20:52:00.000-06:00

I got my plane ticket, today, and it was only 100 bucks more than I had planned on paying. I was so freaked out, I hate leaving things to the last minute. I am leaving for Berlin next Wednesday for a festival and then my retrospective the next weekend. I am pretty excited, and nervous, and generally wigged out. There are some folks out there I am stoked about seeing and the beer is so cheap. I think that part is a trap. The beer part. They are giant beers too so I can't count them very well since they are bigger than in Canada.

Almost as big as a Fin Du Monde.

I have to get some more stuff ready before I go, but now that I have a plane ticket I feel a lot less anxious. I hate checking fares everyday and watching them climb up and up and up.

I tried to go with Air Canada but it would have been 2500 bucks! WTF? That's like going to Australia!

I am going to Australia in the next year. I am nervous about that too, because if I am going that far for a show I should really spend at least two weeks travelling about down there. And it is a pretty big country. I will probably stick to the southern coast. I want to see penguins in the wild. And Kangaroos. And all the toads.

And I am also worried about getting homesick, and forgetting to take my meds and going slightly manic or depressed. It's a lot to be worried about. But I shouldn't worry. It's all going to be great and I am going to have so much fun. I won't even miss my plane this time. I will be okay. I think I am going to pick up some melatonin for the jet lag and see if it works as well as my shrink says.

My psychiatrist doesn't need to see me very often anymore. Surprisingly the last time I saw her was in February! That's a long time ago! And I didn't really need to see her until now either.

I have to remember to pick up all my prescriptions, including my next pack of period control pills.

It's Canada Day tomorrow and I am drinking a Japanese beer. Shameful. Tomorrow Mom and I are going to Earls and eating and drinking big Hoegardens, which isn't very Canadian either.

I was trying to find someone to hang out with tonight, but I couldn't, so I walked to the liquor store and bought myself three Sapporos. Today was my sisters birthday so we had pizza with Grandma and Grandpa. She is spending the night, which is nice. Especially when she winds down and just wants to lay on the couch. After all the interesting food is gone.

The dogs ate her Marshmallows and because I am a Queen of the Last Minute I wasn't prepared with an alternate present than marshmallows. But I think she doesn't care.

Fly me to Mars, por favor!

2011-06-28T12:46:00.000-06:00

The other day this white dude kept talking to someone in a car ahead of us which sat while the light was green. And just when he would start walking away he would come back to the car and open the door to say something else and I got so mad I said "Fucken' White Privilege!" Because it seems to be white men who take up space and impede traffic while they are going about their lives in the world. And by the time the stupid car ahead of us moved the light changed and we had to wait again. Oh I was so mad!

Sometimes I get really really angry and sweary and it always surprises people. I'm not usually confrontational, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Especially men's bullshit. I think it's because I am a dyke. I don't hate men, I just hate misogynist men and that sort of thing. Inappropriate behaviours. I don't like inappropriate behaviours from anyone though, not just men. But I am never going to try and impress a man in my life, so I feel like I'm less inclined to let crap slide.

I used to have this great angry mix tape when I was a young punk dyke stomping along the Vancouver streets in the late 90's. It had Red Football on it and Shove and some other great songs to be angry to. I had this plan, and the tape was part of it, that I was going to approach KTel to do a Kubler-Ross type series of getting over a break up mix tapes. There would be the denial album, with songs about one last chance and that sort of thing. Then there would be the angry album, and then the bargaining album, the depression album, and the acceptance album. See, that would have been an awesome set to do, and I know it would have helped millions, or however many people used to buy from KTel anyway. I should really do a break up series of playlists anyway, for future reference. Or just to keep around to burn to cd for friends. Friends having rough times.

I don't know if I still have one more break up to go through before I find, The One!

I might.

I saw this now famous psychic way back in 2007 and a lot of the things she said came true. I found her by googling "psychic police saskatoon" because I wanted a psychic who had worked with the cops before. Not because I have any unsolved crimes I want answers to in my life, but because I thought she would be more accurate. And she was! She doesn't use crystals or tarot cards or palm reading. She sits down with you and just starts talking. She doesn't even ask any questions, and already she knows so much! She does telephone readings too. Her rates have gone up. I want to see her again because I feel like I am without direction a bit, but she is now 150 bucks! And before she was 80!

She didn't tell me about my oncoming manic episode though. She can only tell you what the spirits tell her, and if they don't want to say anything then she can't make them, obviously.

Actually there is this one funny thing I saw when I was psychotic the last time. I was laying in bed with all the lights on with my body going through whatever the hell it goes through with that many crazy chemicals going haywire. And I could see my spirit guides. I assume that's what they were, they just looked like little people kneeling by the bed watching me like I was in the hospital, that's exactly what it felt like. And they were flickering in and out of view, these white people shaped little blobs, flickering flickering. I have always remembered it and felt kind of comforted by it. I kind of think there is a real spiritual component to going crazy just because you are in a precarious dangerous place when it happens and I think the spirits that look out for you in this life, or all lives, stick very close by.

It's weird to be "sick in the head" because all anyone sees is you acting out and they don't see that your dopamine and seratonin and other things are all flooding your neurons. It sucks. Although I do have a cousin who sees auras, and she can tell when a person is actively mentally ill because the part above their head is all different and weird. I forget how she described it. I always thought that was interesting, sometimes I wish other people could see the illness in some way. Other times I am glad it is invisible.

Anyway, at that time I was dating someone and she (my psychic to the stars) foresaw a bad break up (IT WAS! :( ) And then she said I would have another break up and then I would be with the one I would be with for the rest of my life. So I am curious. I had a romantic interest last year with some necking, but I can't say it was a real relationship so therefore I can't have had a break up. So Maybe there is still a break up in the future. ??? See, and this is why I want to see my psychic again, so she can tell me if I am going to be with the next one forever, in which case I should be picky! Ha ha!

I think my Mars video could propel me to be famouser. It has all the makings of a classic! I am going to have to do auditions this fall if I get funding. Hope hope hope hope!

By January I hope to be making a spaceship!!!! Fly me to Mars and get me the hell away from all this craziness!

Gimme Sympathy

2011-06-27T21:05:00.000-06:00

Someone once told me I think too much. I do think a lot. Maybe that's why I like pot, because I don't think quite so much when I am stoned. I do think, but it doesn't hop all over the place like other times. I am sure I have multiple brain related disabilities going on and not simply bipolar disorder I. I'm fairly certain I have a touch of OCD, and I think I have some kind of Attention Deficit thing going on, and then there was my history of ocular migraines that made me blind. My doctor explained why I had that seizure when I was in Grade Two after I hit my funny bone on the table while reading The Far Side. It's just a response to intense pain. So I guess I'm not epileptic after all.

I like the Far Side.

Once my friend Annthea went to a talk/dinner with Jane Goodall. I asked if she took a picture of the famous pony tail. She didn't. I have a mild obsession with Jane Goodall's ponytail.

I am missing my cousins who are in BC!!! COUSHUNS! They are fun to hang out with and now they are away!

I have to get this blog into some kind of shape. It's like a collection of out of shape thoughts, most of them about addiction, but not honest enough to be a real diary of addiction. Go gritty or go home!

"So today I went out to the garage again because I'm not allowed to smoke inside or on the property and the neighbors from across the way stared at me."

And if I was seeing a drug counsellor she would say "And how did that make you feel?"

But it doesn't make me feel like much, except sometimes I wish I had my own place and could smoke weed in the living room.

With the curtains closed.

I'm not sure what will happen to me. I hope I don't end up destitute in a group home! That would suck.

There was this old woman who moved into the group home I was in from Hantleman and her husband said he just couldn't do it anymore. And one day it was her birthday and she got a cake and she made a wish to go back home. And I thought "Oh dear God, I do not want my old age to be spent like this!"

So sucky. And then the one who kept seeing Indians and Cows in the backyard.

She was cheerful, just out of it.

But who knows really, I mean, maybe someday it will be proven that crazy people are just accessing some kind of extrasensory perceptions and seeing into different realities and dimensions or something.

In which case I should really take more notes when I go crazy so that they may be written down in a book for all to read one day, when I am a properly revered bipolar prophet. There was that time I believed Louis Riel was a descendant of Jesus Christ. And then, well, but I also believed I was getting mugged by the Dalai Lama, so I was pretty confused. And then my poor special lady I had so many crazy beliefs about her. I believed she was abducted by aliens! And I also believed in Twoonie Tuesday supporting David Suzuki.

I still want to get a bunch of NDN's eating KFC in a parking lot. At Cranberry Flats. I don't know why.

I want something to happen with at least one of my crushes. Sigh!

My Life is an Open Blog

2011-06-21T14:02:00.000-06:00

So whatever. I confess everything online eventually. I mean, well, not EVERYTHING though. It's all because I was interested in diaries anyone could read. Private thoughts in public space. But now I am 33 and still doing it. But whatever. It's just my thing. I wonder if I will ever be famous for blogging. It's taken up a lot of creative time and energy. I need to save a more recent copy too, I will do that after I am done writing this.

Strangely enough I have never gotten into Youtube videoing. Like making videos exclusively for Youtube. I find the comments so fuckin' rude! What the hell would I do getting that kind of homophobic critique?

Or just anti-Indian.

Anti-whatever part of my identity.

I sometimes miss being a little chubby post-psychosis punk in the Downtown Eastside. Once I made a phone call to my mom from Main and Hastings and some dude was smoking crack right next to me and she asked how I was and I said fine.

Because I was fine really, it wasn't SO bad, I had friends who looked out for me.

OH! I found out I got my travel grant to go to Berlin for my retrospective! Which is AWESOME! I am excited to see friends there and wander about and experience life there for a short time. I am going longer this time than the last time I went. I know most of my plane ticket will be taken care of, but now I have to do some last minute fundraising to get some more cash to go with, for food and stuff. I have saved some money and I will be getting paid soon. So I just need an emergency supply of cash in case something goes horribly awry, like last time when I lost my passport for a few hours. UGH!

I'm also going to wake up in time for my flights and I will have an iPad with me so I can use wireless in the airports and other places. And I will have a cellphone, but I don't know if it will be of any use in Germany since it's a Sasktel Pay as you go Phone. Maybe I could text? I'm not sure, but I will take it anyway.

Ooooh! I have these terrible mosquito bites on my dragon and it is itchy! I hate being itchy!

Oh shit, I have to run. I have to get my bank to fill out my direct deposit form. Fun fun fun! I will be in a long wet lineup.

Being crazy!!! Hate it!

2011-06-16T23:19:00.000-06:00

I'm going to try and type on the iPad. Week! Wtf? Ok, anyway. I fell off the no smoking wagon, because I felt like I was going crazy and I didn't have, you know, an alternative. So I bought a pack. I am quitting again. I have an alternative now, so I am going to hopefully get healthy and kissable again. I know my alternative is still a vice, but it really does make me feel, hmm, I dunno, just calmer. I can be pretty hyperactive sometimes, especially when I am hypomanic. And spring/summer are kind of manic inducing, there is so much more light.

I am sad that there is no postal service at the moment. I was expecting some money mail. I don't know how much either, it could be 35 bucks for all I know.

Artists aren't properly compensated for their time. At least, I am not. Not hardly ever! I have gotten some decent money once in a while. All my videos have made back what was put into them, except the newest one. But I had a grant for that.

I don't know why I am writing today. I feel weird. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next year and it is kind of scary and also it is kind of where I was last summer. I wish I had some stability in my life. But then I think about when I accidentally got into a long term career of being a Sasktel Operator and freaked out because they were talking long range plans like when I would get four weeks holiday a year instead of three! And I panicked because I have this art practice that takes me away sometimes and sometimes I am working full time on my art and I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. And I made sweet coin too, it sucked having to give it up. Twenty bucks an hour is a liveable wage, I had never made so much before.

But also call centers, even operator services, is pretty rough, you have to have a thick skin. People are rude all the time. It made me think terrible things about humanity.

I just don't see why people have to be rude.

Whatever, I have put it behind me, I will never put a headset on my head again. I can't do it anymore.

I am kind of lonely these days, hate it, bleh. Even though there are people around me most of the time. I guess I am lonely for a deep meaningful connection with someone. I probably need a girlfriend, but I don't want to admit that I can't keep being single forever. Sometimes I forge these intense friendships with people that are totally platonic but make me feel like I have someone to confide in, and then they just drift off into space. And I am lonely again. It hurts.

Since my MEDS got changed I have been feeling more in touch with my feelings. Before they were just kind of numb. But now I feel those little sharp corners of sadness, when appropriate. It is kind of nice actually.

I don't know what I want to get out of life anymore. I feel like having bipolar disorder has made me worry that I won't get into a long term relationship because I am far too volatile. I mean, it's weird, a lot of my friends have never seen me when I was manic, or not noticed, or something. They seem to view me as always calm. And I don't know how they can see me that way when all I feel is this churning beneath the surface. I should really go see my psychiatrist again. And I think I need a counsellor, not just a psych nurse. Plus my psych nurse doesn't understand poly relationships and it makes it really awkward.

I should really just unload some stress by making a list of stuff to do and doing it. I mean my obligations. Just do it!

Tomorrow I am seeing my Dad, which will be nice.

Sometimes I just HATE BEING CRAZY!!!! It's an invisible disability and it sucks.

Sex sex sex sex!

2011-06-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

Duh! I totally set this up so I could blog and then I went willy nilly all over internet land until I remembered! I was posting too much on facebook so sometimes when I have a touch of hypergraphia I use it up here. Well well well, what should I report?

OMG! I have a job! I am doing a street patroller job seven and a half hours a week picking up used needles in the inner city! I have my orientation on Tuesday! And I have to get some hepatitis shots and I got a criminal record check. I am not a criminal according to my record! Hurrah!

I got asked to dance at the Pride dance and got a phone number! I felt really awkward, I don't know what to do with women. I really am clueless. I have to remember to call her back because the last time I got this woman's number I forgot to call her and everyone got mad at me! I should call her. I wonder if it is too late now. So I guess I have two numbers really, but I kinda already fucked up with that previous one.

It's just that after spending years wanting to finally have a "real" relationship (read: monogamous) and only ending up in polyamourous relationships, now I really WANT to be poly but I don't want to crush some monogamous oriented woman's heart. And it's really silly because I don't even have one relationship, just some crushes I am hanging around with. But I don't want to have to pick one, I want them all! I am greedy!

Anyway, so getting picked up in bars or clubs makes me worry because I don't want to wake up the next morning in a relationship with someone I haven't gotten to know. And Lesbians move pretty fast into relationships sometimes. I dunno, I would just prefer getting to know women and making sure they are poly before having sex. Plus I now require safer sex supplies when I'm doing it and I stopped carrying around my emergency stash of condoms, dental dams, and gloves. And my gloves are six years old, I should really buy new ones. Black ones. That would be super sexy! Yeah, I am starting to realize that there is some sexual potential in my life and I really should be better prepared.

I used to always pack my strap on Just In Case when I traveled, and I don't anymore. Maybe I should. I don't have much practice using it to be honest, I'm kind of awkward with it. I feel like less of a butch! I wish my dildo was a nicer colour, like blue. Or red. My favorite one was green but that was kind of a stupid colour, it fit really good though. And then the rat ate it. I was so upset, but he had a cute little face, even though green silicone was coming out of his mouth. Anyway, my current favorite one is this kind of creamy white person flesh colour if white people had no blood. It's kind of a stupid colour too, I should have ordered right from Vixen instead of going through Come As You Are.

Actually I would prefer a softer dildo, Vixen dildos, at least the ones I have had, are quite firm. I need to get to a dildo store, clearly. Online ordering won't cut it.

Anyway. Pride was awesome, clearly! I got to hang out with a crush all day and my dog did good at Pride even though he wouldn't drink any water. He gets stubborn. And then I went to the dance and then I went to 302 and saw bunches of friends and then I went to a friends and then I came home in the morning. And slept for four hours. It wasn't enough! :( I am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Well since I titled this blog sex sex sex sex I feel compelled to talk about it more. But I really have nothing further to say. I am always surprised when I end up having sex, because most of the time I am not having sex. And then I like feeling someone whose body is like mine. I'm pretty attracted to lesbianism. I just think same sex fucking is hot! It's fucking hot!

I don't just want sex though, I want long relationships. I want commitment even if it doesn't involve monogamy, just knowing someone is serious. That someone will stick around. I am tired of short explosive relationships, where there's this intense passionate involvement that ends just as suddenly as it begins. I've had a lot of those. I want to really get to know my lovers.

And I hate hurting women. I am always scared of breaking someone's heart because I know it sucks, but it's kind of silly to worry about that before even getting in a relationship. Oddly enough, I am not scared about getting my heart broken, even though the odds of it happening again are pretty high.

I wonder who my girlfriend will be. Or girlfriends. Or whatever. BUT ABSOLUTELY NO SISTER WIVES!!!

Super Labia!!!!

2011-06-09T13:53:00.000-06:00

I have a friend who calls pubic hairs public hairs because of the way they suddenly show up when you least expect them, like while having a pleasant conversation with a platonic friend.

That story really doesn't relate to anything I will write about now, because I was just warming up.

I have been taking the bus so much lately, I think I was on the bus yesterday for two and a half hours altogether yesterday. In fact that is my handle on Twitter, LeZbusrider. I never put much thought into my online nicknames. I mean, really it should have been a more obvious nick like Thirza_Cuthand or something. But I was thinking about this Pat Califia writing where he said dykes ride motorcycles or the bus. Come to think of it maybe I should have made my nick Dyke on A Bus or something like that.

Public transportation is very important to me. And yet I have to get a license because we are moving to the country. To the close to Saskatoon Little Pine Reserve. It hasn't been built yet, I think they have to do some paperwork to get it reserve status. But then they will be building houses out there! :D It's right by Wanuskewin.

I am a little nervous about living in the country, even though there will be a bunch of houses together. I'm scared of eagles picking up Mister and wolves savaging Arthur and a Cougar eating me. I'm such an urban girl! I imagine I will get used to the country.

But what else? That's what I always say to my mom. What else?

Today I hear if I got this job being a street patroller and picking up used needles. I think it would be a fun job. As far as jobs go. I'd get exercise that's for sure.

Someone is worried about how much weight I have been losing. I can't really help it, my food situation is fucked because I can't have fat and I still don't know everything that triggers me being in pain. So I really am not eating very much. And I never ate much to begin with. When I was a teenager I could eat so much, but I can't anymore. I often feel rude because I don't clean the plate, hardly make a dent really. I have a weird relationship to food right now. I am thinking of introducing meat back into my diet but on a reduced amount, like twice a week, just so I am eating something. I don't know how to cook vegetarian well enough to do it all the time, I need to back off from it a bit. I really do want to be vegetarian. But I like bacon. And beef tacos made with an Old El Paso Taco Kit.

My surgery consultation is next week, tuesday. I am going to throw myself at Dr. Shaw's feet and beg for it to be taken out as soon as possible because this is no way to live! I'm so miserable and it's hard to eat out and I don't know what to cook and I am losing weight like mad.

What freaks me out about losing weight is that in the past my weight loss has been tied very closely with spiraling out of control manic episodes. I don't think I am going manic. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm losing all this weight and I actually have energy to go for walks!

When I am not in pain that is.

And this gallbladder pain has ruined my solitary sex life! There's no desire to have an orgasm when your guts are spasming. Wrong spasms!

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and filled THREE prescriptions for my gallbladder. I got some Buscopan and some 400mg Advil and some antacid medication. So we will see. I am waiting for my next attack and hopefully it won't be so so bad.

I have a confession! I smoked a Grape Primetime last night! I smoked it on the way to a friends. I haven't had anything since, just lozenges. I feel crappy about slipping. I don't want to slip again. So I am back to reading my quit smoking motivational webpages and stuff.

I am thinking about going to the dual diagnosis meeting tomorrow afternoon. Some people go and talk about how they quit cigarettes or coffee. And they always tell me even if I am still using to keep coming back because eventually it will stick. And I do like that group better than the gay AA or any NA. If there was a gay NA I would go maybe. There should be a gay NA. Or a more secular drug recovery group. Anyway, that's why I like the dual diagnosis group, because it isn't run like AA or NA or MA or CA or OA. It's run more like a basic support group and people go around in a circle and tell whatever they feel like telling. And they offer advice and so forth. It's a nice group. Plus the comfort of being with all other people with mental health issues. And they don't swear, and there are two facilitators who have experience working with addictions and mental health, I think one is a nurse and the other a social worker.

My friend from high school Carrie is becoming a nurse and I keep asking her if she has put in a catheter yet. I know nurses do way more than that but for some reason I have a curiousity about that. She did say she put one in the dummy, but the dummy had super tough labia that were hard to spread apart! SUPER LABIA!

My Grandma wanted to be a nurse, but she couldn't afford it so she became a teacher.

So when am I grown up anyway? This being 33 thing sure does make me feel old. The funny thing is that I was always attracted to people between 28 and 32 and now I am finally attracted mostly to women my own age. But it makes me worry that I'll be leching around at 50 trying to get a fertile 32 year old. Who knows!

I have some shit to do. Dammit! It's not even that hard to do, I should just go do it.

Well, there's the blog for today.

Remember . . .

SUPER LABIA!!!! :D

Supernatural Diaspora!

2011-06-05T21:01:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow morning at 10am will be 7 days since I have had a cigarette! I made it through a weekend including partying without smoking a single puff! I am so amazed, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Drinking is kind of a trigger for smoking for me, but I made it through without following my friends outside for a cigarette. I went out a couple times with them just because I didn't like being the only one inside, but it was so cold and it felt kind of silly to have to stand outside.

So hopefully this continues. I am feeling pretty committed to a smoke free life. It's such a waste of money and I don't want to die early. And I don't want to expose other people to my cigarette smoke either.

I really need to make a new video. I hope I get my Mars video funding. That would be a lot of fun to make. Just wish and hope for the best. I already wrote the grant so now it's out of my control.

Whether or not I get my funding I should also make a short self funded video. Sometimes I feel like I can push the envelope more with work that isn't tied to a funding agency. Like Untouchable, I wasn't paid to make that by any funding agency, I just had access to resources. I was lucky! I had my own camera and the Video In 3/4" editing suite. I want to make some more work like that.

I just feel very uninspired these days. I'm not sure what I feel pressed to talk about. Usually something makes me angry and I make a video about it and it's about my various oppressions and turns out to be political. But I don't know what I feel angry about.

It's been an ongoing worry ever since I got on psychiatric medications, I feel a little bit empty, a little less passionate. It sucks. Even my happiness is just a titch muted, and I can tell. My sadness too. But what am I supposed to do about it? I was REALLY overmedicated before, even my psych nurse says so, and she has known me ever since then. Anyway, it makes me feel a little careless, like I don't care, to say anything. Like if you don't get it you don't get it and who am I to point out what an ignorant asshole someone is being because they are being an ist, like racist sexist ageist ableist. All the ists! I'm tired of pointing it out. Let people go to hell in a handbasket!

But I also realize that those sort of attitudes left unchecked wreak havoc on basic human rights for all of us deemed outside the borders of normal. So it's not really good to not care.

I care enough about my self preservation that I quit smoking cigarettes. That must count for something. I'm not quite so self destructive now.

I do care though, about certain people. It's kind of weird. I don't know what to do about any of that either. I'm fairly romantically inept. And being poly makes things a little more complex. Because poly means something different to everyone really. And my last poly girlfriend could have been fine with something the next poly girlfriend takes exception to. Like some poly people want a main partner and others don't want hierarchies in their romantic partnerships or whatevers.

I don't really care if I have bunches of girlfriends, just one would really be enough for me.

I finally put half of my music onto my restored iPod. I have doubled up entries for the same song file in all of my itunes, and I don't know how to get rid of it but after going from Abba to Tori Amos picking every other file, I selected a block of files and it didn't duplicate files in my iPod. I was impressed!

I apologize for how boring that last story was.

I have heard these tales I am not supposed to tell about half horse people at a certain reserve here in Saskatchewan. I've heard it from three different people. Spooky! There are some bizarre supernatural beings in North America.

Once I was talking with my friend Lynx Hell and she was like "Yeah, and all those immigrants brought their THINGS with them!" And I was like "What things?" And she said "You know, their little spirits and stuff like leprechauns and banshees" and I was like "They brought their THINGS with them!!!!!???" I mean, it's probably true. Supernatural Diaspora!

Quit Smoking Attempt #2435

2011-06-02T21:14:00.000-06:00

I have now been smoke free for over 83 hours! I am amazed! I feel so much better, I've even gone out drinking a couple nights and didn't have a cigarette. I don't have that horrible shortness of breathe anymore where I felt all constricted and choking. I can smell things again, like the greenness of spring and the flowers and the air from the laundry drier. I'm feeling more positive about myself too.

This time felt almost easy to quit. I just had enough, and I am tired of quitting and failing. I have been quitting for over nine years. But except for that one six month stretch I haven't had much luck. I need to learn to accept that I can't have even one little puff of a cigarette. It would start all over again and I would feel shitty about myself and smell like stink and no one will want to kiss me!

But now I am more kissable! Hurrah!

Anyway, it's about time. I hate to think of what I did to my body while I was all depressed and wanting to die and smoking as a way out eventually. NOOOOO! Now I want to live and I don't want to die young from some smoking related illness. I don't want to live to be as old as my Grandma is now, but to be 85 would be decent. La la la. So I'm smoke free.

And actually, while I have been smoking cigarettes not at all I have also slowed down my use of pot! I am smoking less and less and feeling more energetic. I almost feel like I could give it up for a while. Almost. I am still not ready for that. Pot is how I relax, the way other people have a glass of wine. I know both can be indicative of more serious deep seated issues, but it's semi innocent. I hear that if I exercise more I will just naturally crave pot less and less. Which seems not so painful.

I dunno, but defeating one addiction has made me want to continue defeating the rest of them. Baby steps though. It really only has been three and a half days since my last smoke, so I can't get all cocky yet. And smoking weed has been kind of nice just because it is something to smoke. I should seriously consider buying that Magic Flight vaporizer if I want to keep my lungs healthier though. Joints can be pretty harsh!

So now I am a vegetarian non-smoker. I have to keep reminding my mom I am a vegetarian. She keeps forgetting, although not as badly as when she kept forgetting I was a boy. My six months of being a boy. I didn't like the clothes as much as when they are butch girl clothes though.

I almost gave up and ate beef the other day. I met my cousin Sharlene at Lydia's for the burger and fries you get with a pint and when they asked if I wanted veggie or beef I was so relieved and got the best veggie burger I have ever had! Well, until tonight the only veggie burger I had ever had, but I burnt my burger on the grill today so it wasn't that great.

So there you go veggies, you can eat the burgers at Lyds!

I sometimes want to leave Saskatoon, and then at other times want to become some eccentric character in Saskatoon like Lorraine the muumuu lady or Sailor Dan. No, I can never achieve that kind of fame here. If I started a queer fest here I could be famouser.

I am changing and I don't know what I am changing into. It's been going on for a while but it feels like only recently I have gotten the momentum to actually make changes to my life like cutting out meat and giving up cigarettes. I don't know if I will be a vegetarian forever, I guess we will see, but I sure hope the no smoking thing is for good this time. And what else is going to change? I don't know. I don't know what kind of person I am becoming. I wish I did have some idea of what I am evolving into. I don't want to become so health conscious I become sick, but a little bit of health consciousness would be good.

And I do still have a leisure card.

My gallbladder is still being a pain, I had a little bit of poutine last night and my stomach ached until the morning. YUCK! I have an appointment next tuesday at two with the Amazing Dr. Saffy to try and get some narcotics for when I have a gallbladder attack.

My fingers smell nice now that I don't smoke! Yay!

Anyway, because of the gallbladder I am eating less and less fat, I have started using this margarine that is made of mostly water because I am too afeard of butter!

I can't believe it's not fat!

Fat is goooooood, I miss it! I can get away with a little bit now and then, but not much! I'm looking forward to the day I can eat japanese pumpkin tempura again!

This blog is really mostly about my health, I wish I had more mental health issues to relate to you to spice it up, mental health porn. I forgot my morning meds three days in a row, made me kind of depressed. That's all there is to report. I am taking them normally again.

I sort of miss sex, but I feel like I am getting used to having none again. It's really only the first year without sex that is the hardest, after that they blend together!

Sometimes Straight Guys Suck! And other people suck too!

2011-05-23T22:07:00.000-06:00

I think there is this really creepy tension sometimes between Lesbians and Straight Guys. It freaks me out. Especially when I have a Lesbian section on my Google News and keep reading slews of stories of "corrective rape" and murder of Lesbians in South Africa all the time. Straight guys are obsessed with Lesbians! Like, SUPER obsessed! I don't know if straight women are obsessed with Gay men, somehow I don't think so. But it's that whole challenge thing. Like they feel they have something to prove and want to make Lesbians into straight women. It's so FUCKING GROSS! Like, how much of a creep do you have to be?

I recently had a falling out with a friend because he kept making comments about "bringing you back to the good side" and fucked up shit like that. It creeped me out and made me feel unsafe. I don't think straight men realize how creepy they sound when they talk like that.
Creep creep creep!

I don't mind if guys flirt with me once in a while, although I don't flirt back, because flirting is pretty harmless. But making comments about converting someone's minority sexuality is pretty fucking EFFED UP! It's hard enough being a dyke without having some ignorant straight dude sexually harrassing me. And it was becoming this ongoing series of comments for the last few times we have gotten together, and it just REALLY pissed me off.

So I wrote an fb status about it and said get out of my life and now we are not friends. Officially. Because we aren't friends on fb. It's such a weird way of not being friends with someone, to go so far as to delete them from your contacts. Life in the 21st Century.

I'm kind of tired of having my lesbianism challenged by so many people. I should actually mention that it hasn't just been straight guys who have said I wasn't a lesbian, it's been straight women and trans men and when I was a teen some older lesbians said I couldn't be a lesbian yet because I was too young.

But you know what? The truth is, I HATE STUBBLY FACES AND FLAT CHESTS! It's not so much penises that turn me off, it's the whole rest of it. Privilege and taking up space and being uber hairy and too hot temperature wise and kinda smelly and having genitals that taste like bread dough is pretty unappealing to me as well. I AM SUCH A LESBIAN! OMG!

I dunno. Maybe if I had a girlfriend this whole thing would stop and I would get my Lesbian I.D. in the mail. I think people question my sexuality because there really aren't many Lesbians in the world, in comparison to say, bisexuals or straight people. So EVEN THOUGH I knew at fourteen I was a lesbian and not straight or even bisexual, even though I have never fallen in love with a man, even though I have never had a boyfriend, I still get my sexuality challenged.

I dunno, for some reason I think it's rude. I guess because I don't do it to other people. I mean, I could suspect someone is a different sexuality than what they are living, but I don't see the point in harrassing them about it or challenging them. Why not let people live lives the way they want? What is so wrong about me being a Lesbian that people believe my innate sexuality is a myth? What do I have to do to prove I am a Lesbian, and why should I have to prove it.

Everyone is surprised when they learn my first kiss and first sexual experience was with a girl, but it was. I was a nerd so it happened all on the same night when I was seventeen. I mean, if someone was going to kiss me and I really liked them and I had a chance, why not go all the way? But until then I spent three years being challenged on my sexuality because I was a virgin, and how could I know I was a Lesbian until I had sex? Which is a stupid thing to think. Straight people certainly don't get questioned about being straight if they are virgins.

It's all so weird. So anyway. So I don't have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Whatever. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by being exclusively romantic with women. Women are more romantic anyway. And they have such soft skin. And femmes are really beautiful. Well, so are butches, but I do like smart funny sophisticated beautiful femmes. And plus femmes are the ones who get me to open up and be vulnerable in intimate situations, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have that same dynamic with a dude. I can be just as inscrutable as the most detached male, so two of us together would be a BAD combination.

Amber Dawn once said I do better when I am in a relationship. I don't know how I feel about that. It's true I actually clean and keep myself more groomed when I am entertaining a lady on an ongoing basis. But also, I think I am more in touch with my deep feelings when I am having intimate conversations with a lover.

I still remember the morning after a night of great sex when I made Amber Dawn blueberry and mango crepes and told her I loved her. That was such a great day! :D See, women make me feel squishy feelings. And squishy feelings makes me do nice things for them.

I still like all my exes. They were pretty awesome. Too bad we had such a short time for a relationship, but then maybe I am remembering them in an idealized way. I am sure there were issues.

But anyway, yes, being a Lesbian is hard sometimes. I wish people would just learn to accept me as I am and quit trying to change me. And that includes people in the queer community.

Surgery consultation in June!

2011-05-18T17:40:00.000-06:00

I finally got a call about my gallbladder surgery, and I have a consultation this June. I am relieved. I also found out today I missed my appointment with the gynecologist to talk about ablation. Mainly I don't want to have to get a hysterectomy later. Like all the other women in my family.

Boring, all I talk about these days on Facebook is all my medical issues, it drives me crazy, I feel like a 33 year old fuddy duddy. And then I think, maybe that really is all that is going on with me. Medical problems. I am old. When I was a kid my main problem was extreme anxiety, now MEDS tAke care of that but I have all kinds of other problems. I really don't want diabetes.

OMG!!!! I almost forgot, I quit eating meat! It's been something I have thought seriously about for a few years, but it's gotten to a point where I can't eat meat without gagging. I'm not opposed to meat eaters or anything, and I am not running off to join those sexists and racists at PETA, but for now I am a vegetarian. The only problem is I really don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to cook without meat except for a couple recipes, and I don't know how to have a balanced diet. I feel kind of weird and it has been a few days now, I really should look it up and plan some meals. It's a big step. Maybe now I can become a real Buddhist, whatever that entails!

I'm slowly evolving towards something, but I can't tell what yet. I thought I was going to become healthy the way people always say you have to do it, by having a no fun life of no drinking and smoking up and carousing. But now I am feeling more lenient about myself, like I could feel okay about myself even if I smoke weed a lot. Although I don't know. I really like it. Whatever. But there are different things I am more interested in exploring. Like sex! I would like to have more sex please! I feel so ripped off by my pitiful track record. And what the he'll am I doing living in Saskatoon? Someone remind me why I think staying here is a good idea? Oh yeah, POVERTY. Damn.

See what I really need to do is get all writery and chain-smoke while pumping out the Great Canadian Aboriginal Lesbian Novel for a couple of years, maybe drink into a black out a couple more times while shooting video of all the people I meet. Aw crap, I just realized I can't buy street hotdogs anymore. I have a lot to do! I need to write a best seller so I can happily retire on the royalties.

I need to do more of what I love, I think that's where my future lies. As God is my witness I will never work in a call centre again!

I finally went downtown and showed my paystub so I can keep riding the bus with a twenty dollar pass every month instead of a seventy one dollar pass. It's good until November! Subsidized bus fares are awesome!

I need to go scrounge up something delicious and vegetarian for dinner, so I will go now.

The sun porch is lovely this time of year.

2011-05-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

I turned 33!!!!! I'm growing up, not down, like a goose or a carrot! Up like a mighty oak!

Anyway, I learned that my ability to throw parties is on par with my ability to grow plants, which is not at all. So I surrender! I will not invite my friends to see each other and celebrate me!

I cleaned the sun porch today! I'm out here right now, writing this blog! I haven't written here for a while, and believe me, I feel guilty for not keeping up with writing one page a day. But I have been busy! Believe me!

I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great by cleaning the sun porch, mostly because I did it in an hour and now it's actually a nice place to hang out. It gets crazy dirty over the winters. I also added 2:18 minutes to my video program. I am still short six minutes. I need a six minute short.

I'm feeling generally okay, I forgot three days of morning mess in a row recently and got mildly depressed. But I pulled through! Mess equals MEDS of course, I am writing on an iPad.

The dogs, cat, and I are all grooving in the sun porch listening to Sexy Boy by Air.

I couldn't be a boy, it would annoy the he'll out of me. He'll meaning hell of course! I like spending time with women far too much to be a boy. Plus I hear their washrooms are disgusting.

Nothing more than feelings . . .

2011-04-17T23:36:00.000-06:00

My tummy hurts! Ahhhhhh! I think that one big gallstone that is in the way is trying to go through my duct but can't get in the opening, and it's just pushing and pushing and ARG! I hate having gallstones. I want the damn thing cut out of me already, it's been a really awful couple of years. I drank three pops and some fried food and I think that's gotten to me. I have had to cut back drastically on my pop intake, and I was doing pretty good, one pop a day, my tummy wasn't bothering me. But then I had three today! Oh noes!

Anyway, that really wasn't what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is being frustrated by my addictions and feeling like a low life trying to talk about it. FUCK! Why do I belong to stigmatized segments of society? Is it because I am an artist? No! It is because I am a Thirza, with flaws and strengths that sometimes fight with each other.

Ever since my ex told me she didn't want to be with me because I had no drive, ambition, or willpower, and that my inability to conquer my addictions reveals a character flaw, I've been using pretty hardcore! Like "OH yeah! Well fuck you I'm gonna go get drunk with my friends and puke over the side of the bed and smoke so much pot I will have forgotten you!" And it kind of worked, I did forget about her, and move on. But I also treated my body terribly and now it doesn't feel good. And maybe part of it made me throw in the towel on cutting back and so forth. Like "Well Rheanne already said I failed at quitting so I might as well FAIL!"

God my tummy hurts! One small relief is that the searing pain of having a stone go through my duct hasn't happened in a while since this horking great big stone got in the way.

Still hurts though.

A friend of mine has been pestering me to reveal feelings. I thought I already did, but I guess I am a bit closed off still. I dunno, what feelings? I have feelings about everything, but since I have a mood disorder and am being treated for it, they manifest differently than they did before. I still fall crazy in love and all that, and if a movie is really sad I will cry. Maybe I just don't feel like I have any feelings I want to share. I try to take the middle road on feelings and not get caught up in sadness or manic happiness. I dunno. So many things have happened to me in my life that I just kind of plod along like an ox pulling a plow. And then I do have wildly fantastic secret feelings that I always let slip out in subtle ways around friends. Like how I feel about certain persons and getting a goofy smile on my face when I talk about them. Really though I want to make grand gestures and get caught up in love and stuff. But it's kind of hard when one interest is recovering from major surgery and the other lives over the ocean. Kind of puts a damper on declaring feelings and so forth.

BUT REALLY! What feelings? I shall have to think of what I am feeling these days.

I am feeling anxious about my grandparents. I know they won't be around much longer and I want to see them lots. We see them probably a couple times a week. My granny is getting so frail and already her spinal discs are disintegrating. And my Grandpa doesn't hear very well anymore. They were fairly prominent in my childhood and I've always had a close bond to them. I'm scared about saying goodbye.

I am feeling a sore tummy. Oh, you know that. Well I am feeling nervous about my upcoming surgery, I am worried I will wake up on the operating table.

I'm scared for my future because I am starting my own business and haven't got any equipment yet and need to do some more work, and will always be having to do more work, and I have had to turn down work because I don't have equipment.

OH! I am happy about one new development in my life. Little Pine First Nations, my reserve, has bought land just outside of Saskatoon near Wanuskewin and my Mum and I are going to get a little plot of land and build a container house duplex with a shared kitchen and laundry room. We figure we can do it with three containers, and we will have a fence to keep out wildlife and keep in our dogs, and a hot tub, and a fire pit and a deck. And if I decide to move to a big city for a while or something, she can use my half for her studio. And because it will be reserve land, we won't have to pay taxes on anything we make and anything we order by mail.

And there will be no bloody basement!

I feel frustrated with my addictions because they are so fun and social, and while I do a lot of solitary smoking, I also have a lot of nameless friends who partake with me while chillaxing. I don't know, maybe even if I just cut out the solitary smoking. I'm confused. MY psych nurse just wants me to stop completely, but I have a lot of reservations about that.

I'm worried about a cousin of mine, because I am not sure she is really out of the danger zone yet from a mental health episode and I worry she has thrown away her medication and I don't want to see her have to go back to the hospital for a third time this year. And because I wrecked my relationship when I went off my meds, I am worried about people going off their meds. Sooner or later they all seem to end up in the hospital having to take meds again, and some of those meds don't work as well if they are always being stopped and started. And also just because I know the body is really exhausted after a manic episode and typically coming down from one involves a bit of suicidal thinking. At least for me.

It's because it is embarrassing to lose control and run around with no clothes and write scores of emails to a lover which estranges them because they are so bizarre. And also because all the seratonin gets used up in a manic episode and your body has to get it back to regular levels, so you feel like the best option is to walk off a bridge or something. And some people do it, as we well know. My post-manic depressions are usually terrible and long. Like a few months. It's like you are just shell shocked with all the risky things you did while you were crazy and are trying to make sense of yourself again.

This whole thing about feelings is silly. I repress my feelings! I could want to jump on someone and kiss them all over and all I will do is say hello and make some stupid joke.

I don't feel bad about being into Rheanne for so long though. I gave it a shot! I worked long and hard for it! But it was never to be. At least I tried, at least I didn't walk away from my feelings about her. At least I communicated my feelings to her. But she thinks I'm a loser! Whatever, what am I supposed to do about that? She and I haven't even spent time together since March 2007, so much has changed! I am sane now, mostly. Predominantly sane.

The thing is, if I am sleeping with someone I totally tell them all my feelings, even feelings I didn't know I was feeling. And not even just happy feelings, I tell them sad ones and angry ones and all the rest. I'll tell them a feeling I had in grade nine! I totally open up to women when I have sex with them. Not like, DURING sex, except for lovey lusty feelings of course. But after sex, before sex, between having sex and going for breakfast. And during cuddly times. I can keep very few things secret from my lovers. I like to think that is a plus in dating me.

That being said, I do keep some secrets secret from EVERYONE, believe it or not. Things that are between me and God!

Today I got sad while I ate my bacon. I thought about the pig who died to give me bacon and what kind of factory farmed life it had and was it meaningful and who was I to have an animal killed just so I could eat? Why is it's life less meaningful than mine? And I was thinking all these things and I couldn't stop eating the bacon because it tasted so good, so I tried to remember how humans have survived on meat for thousands of years and this is just what we do to survive and then I thought "This music is making me think about the sadness of eating meat!" And then I said to my friend "This music is depressing!"

No it's not, she said. And I ate my last piece of bacon.

I am terrible at cleaning. PERIOD!

2011-04-12T17:00:00.000-06:00

As you may know, I am supposed to be inhabiting my mother's basement, like many unfortunates my age who can't afford rent in other places. I don't spend a lot of time in the basement though. At first I thought it was because I think the basement is haunted. But lots of parts of the house have had weird things happen in them, not just the basement. Now I have come to accept, it is because the basement is a horrid mess.

And it's supposed to be all clean for my business.

So today I worked on it some. I actually cleaned the bathroom and found a spider and did some laundry which covered my bedroom floor. I also moved some boxes from near the bedroom/future office to a storage area just beside the bathroom. But there is still so much to be done, and it is so big! I feel really ineffectual, even though the bathroom looks good finally.

I just found out my speed dating is probably not going to happen tonight. I feel so disappointed? Where's the sapphic single ladies?? All the single ladies . . .

I need to get out of the house tonight, I don't want to stay in yet again. I don't know what I could do. My one friend is going to the gym. I could go work out. I have my period though, and I hate tampons because I bleed too heavy, so maybe swimming is out for me.

Once I did get my period in the pool, and I found this clot floating next to me. Periods are weird man!

Especially my fibroid enhanced periods.

I wish I could see the ultrasounds of my gallbladder and uterus.

I’m looking forward to the day I don’t have my period anymore. It doesn’t make me feel any more connected to being a woman. It makes me feel vulnerable to bears and cougars!

So I was having this conversation with my friend Robin yesterday about how we read articles online about cleaning instead of just actually cleaning, or how to stop procrastinating, while using it as an excuse to procrastinate. I’m really terrible at this. I’ve probably also spent more time reading books on how to have an awesome sex life than actually doing so. I sure as hell haven’t logged enough mileage.

I also like to write about doing things instead of doing them. Sometimes.

OMG! Did you hear about this killer named Twitchell in Edmonton who was a filmmaker who made a film about killing someone a certain way, and then actually did it. WTF? He also wrote this whole confessional diary about it.

And he was obsessed with Dexter.

Well I was obsessed with Ab Fab but I didn’t turn into a drug taking booze hound! Ha ha ha, wait.

There are two skeletons at the University of Saskatchewan named Dexter and Sinister. At least there used to be.

Once my cousin told me about this haunted cave in Mexico where you could see skeletons dancing. I wish I could find out more about it. We were going to host a paranormal show and investigate haunted places and scream. We were good at screaming. But honestly, I don’t think I can be a paranormal investigator. I’d prefer to stay away from it. I’m tired of being around it.

Maybe I should save some eggs. I wonder if Indian Affairs covers cryogenic egg preserving since I will be getting an ablation.

Once when I was at Hantleman I wandered all over campus looking for my glasses (they were under the bed back at Hantleman, but I was crazy) and I stumbled on the cryogenics facility. It just had this happy little sign that said “Cryogenics” and that was all I saw. And then I came back to the ward and got my glasses.

I need my glasses at all times!

I am not a Deer!

2011-04-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

I spend a lot of time with my mother and grandmother. My grandfather as well. But he doesn't get called dear. My grandma HATES being called Dear. She thinks it's degrading to her as an old lady. And my mum, who recently quit dyeing her hair, has also been called a Dear.

The funny thing is Grandma used to call me Dear when I was younger. I would get upset and say "I am not a deer!" thinking she was calling me an ungulate. "Oh Dear!" she would say, and I would repeat "I am not a Deer!"

Kids are weird, even I was weird. Also when my mom said "Look, an antelope!" I would say "I don't see any cantaloupe!" I was expecting a field of melons. Not those tiny ungulates.

I am at home wanting to go out. I hate feeling like I am stuck at home. I want to be drinking a beer or hanging out or in a car or SOMETHING! Oh mans! Well, at least tomorrow night I am at Lesbian Speed Dating! From meeting to uhaul in one night!

I don't know what to expect. I am not really expecting to meet someone, but you never know!

I'm getting sleepy now. I don't know why I ever said I wanted to leave the house, now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the night away!

No clever title

2011-04-05T19:41:00.000-06:00

Life's been eventful. We saved the dogs when they ate rat poison and a couple relatives had to visit the hospital. SO DRAMATIC!

The dogs now get a Vitamin K oral suspension once a day for the next month. They are doing pretty good with it, the first day they were kind of upset about it because the vet had made them throw up and then eat activated charcoal and our technique for putting the syringe in their mouths wasn't very good. But it's in peanut oil and they actually think it is pretty tasty now, so it's not too difficult anymore, especially when they all line up to get it now.

The vet said we had very well behaved dogs. And they really liked them, one was talking to Mister just before we left telling him how cute he was. And my mother thinks that the vet who saved them is a lesbian and I should date her. Ha ha ha!

I should date a vet, that would be handy to have in the family. We have one cat and three dogs altogether! That's a lot of little furry souls!

Arthur is the one who gets all this food they eat that they aren't supposed to. He is a menace! I told Mum there should be a movie about her and him starring Tantoo Cardinal. An academic and her bad dog. Ha ha! It could be the neechie Marley and Me.

I've been taking my meds really well lately, I only missed one night dose last week. And I haven't used my sleeping pills in a really long time. YAY me!

Sometimes a change in seasons can tip off an episode. And everything is finally melting away here. Enough to go for a walk, I dare say! And I have another funny confession: I am afraid to go for walks because that is what I did when I was manic, I walked and walked and walked. Granted I am not walking such great distances, I just want to go walk around the neighborhood and look at stuff and think.

My mum told me they have discovered that exercise is better for your brain than doing sudoko and all those little puzzles, especially exercise where they tell you what to do. And I am trying to be healthier. My mental health is really good, I just need to bring the rest of it up to snuff. And I want to try to avoid getting dementia when I get old. I had a group home roommate with dementia and it was horrible! She was on her way to a higher care place, because she just didn't know what was going on or how to take care of herself. I don't want that to happen to me, my brain is weird enough already.

Which means I should really try and quit that thing I love. Dammit! BUT I LOVE IT!

:'(

I am coming up to taking a break from it until my birthday anyway. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP! I will be 33! Old timey lady! LOL. "I remember riot grrls! I remember the Challenger exploding!"

And the colored girls say do do do do do do do.

I just took a walk! I have been avoiding walking around while it's slushy and icy, but it has finally melted away enough that there are only some puddles everywhere. And I was able to avoid the deep ones. Sometimes you'll come to a puddle and think it's okay to step in, but there is ice at the bottom and you get soaked falling in. That happened to me once. I felt so embarrassed walking home all wet. I was a teenager so I was embarrassed way easier back then. Now of course so many embarrassing things have happened to me. Going crazy is embarrassing. Losing control. It pisses a lot of people off, and that always made me feel bad. Later.

Anyway, I also bought a coke at the store, so maybe that negated my walk.

MUCH LATER. . .

I've been waiting for mom to get back home. I cashed in some Air Miles and bought two nights out at the movie for two people. I think my mom will get one and the other one I will save for . . . hmmm, I dunno! A special friend!

And I got 25 bucks worth of Kernels popcorn! I have a mother's day present~! Although I hope she buys me some popcorn too. OMG! I wonder if she and I could go to Circle Centre tonight and get movie popcorn!? That would be sweet.

Well, I guess that concludes this blog. I mean, I will write more later, but this entry is over!

Grant Medicine

2011-03-31T20:03:00.000-06:00

I went down to the post office today and mailed off my grant application to Canada Council! Here's hoping! I listened to "Billionaire" by Peaches on my way to the post office in Shoppers and I hope that gives me some kind of luck. From now on all I can do about getting that grant is some witchy spells! But I probably won't.

Grant medicine! HOLY SHIT!~ Am I the first NDN to think of this? This is really what I need right now.

There is this rumour among people that all of us Crees use Love Medicine to get our partners. I don't know anyone who has used Cree Love Medicine. But it sounds awfully fantastic, if it is true.

I'm wearing a blue Mr. Limpy. He is blue because he has been in my jeans, getting rubbed on by blue jean dye. Poor grotesquery!

Anyway, now I don't know what is going on. Some people might come over. I should probably put away all the madness of extra papers on the coffee table where I put my grant together. I didn't count how many pages it was, but it was pretty thick! At least by my standards. I stand behind this grant. It's totally reasonable and intelligently put together. I am celebrating getting it in!

I wonder who will be on the jury this year.

I've been single for a really long time! Crap! I am turning into my mother! ZOMG!

I had a physical for the first time in like, four years or something crazy like that. It was bizarre, I think they always are. Being examined. No wonder alien abductees have such PTSD, even getting that treatment just from a human is kinda creepy.

NOT to call Dr. Saffy creepy, which she definitely is not.

Basically the end of the visit I was just told to cut back on Michael Jackson so I would have more energy, and to eat less sugar because of something to do with fat and blood. Or things with sugar, anyway, since it's very rare I eat sugar straight up, unless it is Sugar In The Raw in which case I steal as many packets as possible.

So that is okay. Whew! And I have to make an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, just because I am due. OMG! I should make an appointment with my dentist too!

Too bad my dentist lives all the way in Forest Grove, because now it's an hour long bus ride to get there!

As someone who has bipolar disorder, I have just been around the disease for my whole life in some aspect, what with it being a genetic illness and my extended family being so large. Not to mention all the different friends with that and other mental illnesses. FUCK THIS SHIT! It's a really tragic illness to have! I hate how it can trick people into thinking they aren't sick.

Sometimes there is awareness when I'm not sane that I am not sane, like with depressions and just after the peak of a manic episode. But when I don't believe I need help I can be pretty difficult to get to a hospital or take my medication, even when I'm walking to the edge of town to meet aliens.

Sheesh!

Anyway, this year has involved a lot of close people having psychotic episodes. I don't know what to do. I'm too far away to really do anything. At least that is how I feel. And there are people who know what is going on better than me. ARG! And I know how bad these things can turn out to be.

And it scares me because this April will be four years since I was hospitalized at Hantleman with the brown baby bunnies and the pod people. With a giant Mr. Peanut hot air balloon flying over us. And when I went to sleep I could look at the scorched sprinkler where someone tried to set it off with a lighter. And I totally alienated my whatever friend by sending her reams and reams of emails cause I was CRAZY! And I don't want to alienate more love interests by being psychotic. It's so depressing to be judged for inappropriate behaviour committed while insane. No wonder there are always wildly low depressions after a manic episode. It's all guilt and embarrassment!

So, before that it was just over four years that I had been hospitalized, and so as you can see, I feel like I've hit some kind of four year trigger that will escalate into me throwing away my meds and starting some kind of revolution with bizarre tenants like eating at Twoonie Tuesday to show support for David Suzuki.

The GOOD news, is that I am not crazy in love with the same person I was then, the one who got all my emails. And who I was pining for until recently. I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great! I am finally ready to meet someone new to love. Or I could have met them already. I don't know. But I am also happy being single. So if I do go crazy, there is no one to send emails to, except my friends, who will still be annoyed, but I will be annoying them equally and not singling someone out.

We don't have two psych wards in Saskatoon anymore, they have merged into an uber psych ward called The Dube Centre. The dubious Dube? I haven't stayed there so I can't give a rating.

There should be a website called Rate Your Psych Ward, where all kinds of ex or current patients can write reviews.

The Thirza Review:

St Luc, Montreal=BAD!!!!
Hantleman, RUH, Saskatoon=Awright.

Okay, I could be more specific but I don't feel like it.

I like having a psychiatrist. She's amazing. I don't think I've ever been so stable as I have while I've been her patient. That's a good review. I should think of a good fake name for her. She looks kind of like Cate Blanchett. She had a skiing accident one year and was gone for six months! I was so miserable. I'm doctor dependent!

This summer I will be getting my gall bladder out. Maybe I will ask for early september. Aw crap, I really want it out, but I won't be able to swim. If I do get it out maybe I will get a tattoo as well just because then I can overlap non-swimmable time! My cherry blossoms are crying out to be inked into my skin!

What a rambly blog. Just ramblin' on.

I hope you clicked on the Peaches link, pretty hot stuff!

This is not about relational aesthetics. Thank god!

2011-03-24T11:49:00.001-06:00

I was really productive last night! I wrote five pages of my grant! :O So amazing! I am hoping this productivity continues because I have a lot to do! I'm not going to give you my list, because you'd be annoyed with me. It's positive work though, I mean, I won't feel shitty doing any of it. I just have to plan so my mood works with whatever I have to work on. Like watching all these videos, I have to be in some kind of absorbing mood, instead of an outputting mood, which is better for stuff like grant writing.

I thought of a funny two minute video I want to make about having an addiction and how it can fuck up your love life. The thought of it made me laugh anyway. And I do kind of mine my own life for stories. And I wanted to make one video about my addiction.

SPEAKING OF ADDICTIONS!!!! Yesterday I had my last cigarette at 6:40pm! It's been over twelve hours with no smoking! I'm not going to boast yet though, because there's always the chance I could relapse. But who knows? Maybe maybe maybe this is it. A lot of my friends are all quitting right now, I should just quit with them for good. Fewer and fewer people smoke.

I can't believe I even became a smoker. It was because I was mixing hash with tobacco. And then I tried tobacco on it's own. Damn! Marijuana is a gateway drug!

Mental Health wise I have been doing really well lately. I've been diligently taking my medication and I am finding my life much improved after getting off the Celexa. I can even sort of cry now!

I used to cry so damn much. I could cry at the drop of a hat. And then I went on Celexa and it totally stopped! I lost a job, I lost my apartment, and I didn't cry either time! :O Weird.

I did cry when people died though, but not as much as I have in the past.

The paranormal stuff has gone down in the house, I think. I think we have a ghost cat in our house. But that doesn't bother me. He was a good kitty.

Writing this grant application has really made me think about my work. I feel like I need to explain why my work is important. It's kind of funny, I just assume because it's important to me it must be important to at least some other people. People seem to like watching my stuff anyway. And I try to be entertaining.

Time to get back to work! And have a snack!

Don't Wear Tight Shoes!!!

2011-03-17T11:27:00.000-06:00

It's finally spring here, and it was all nicely melting and slushy and gross looking and then it freakin' FROZE and snowed and now there is all this ice under the pretty clean new snow. Typical of spring really. I wish it would thaw again today but I don't think it will.

I am going to Calgary this weekend with my mom and Cindy Baker and Megan Morman! I should take some of my blank notebooks I found in my packed stuff so I can do some writing, and take my grant applications and final report forms too. I gotta get that stuff done. Final report forms always sound more difficult than they really are. And my reports are just for travel grants. Man there is a LOT of paperwork involved in being an artist!

I wish I had a laptop, that would make traveling so much easier. And a credit card. I've resisted for so long! But I might have to get a credit card.

My Mum is having a show in Calgary at TRUCK, and the opening is tomorrow night! I am going to try not drinking hardly anything. Like maybe two drinks and some pop. I don't really have money to drink and it is weird getting drunk in front of mom.

I'm smoking again. :P Rheanne is right, I have no willpower! :O I feel so blah about it.

OMG! THAT reminds me! My treaty card came back to me! :D I forgot to talk about this, well my treaty card disappeared and I was sure it was in my house but it wasn't and so my mom had to buy my cigarettes for me for the LONGEST time. And then yesterday I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom to come outside with my cigarettes and this employee came up and knocked on the window and said she thought my treaty card was inside!

After months of being missing!!!!

I went inside and they brought out this box filled with treaty cards and sure enough there I was! And it was just the same as I had left it, the laminated edge all frayed and shitty looking and my sad picture because I got that treaty card the day we buried my cousin Christopher.

WOW, and it's expiring in June! Sadly all I use it for is buying smokes, and I really am going to quit soon. BUT I could also use it for going to a new pharmacy. Only, I really like going to the Safeway for my meds because then I can get airmiles for free! I used to get 84 airmiles each time I picked up my meds, but I think it might have gone down to 76 now that I am not on Celexa.

I don't even know how many airmiles you need to get anywhere. Like, are they REALLY representative of a mile? ??? I should really look up my account. My friend Stef does all kinds of things with their airmiles.

I need to use my dayplanner more better! I have stuff coming up that I haven't even written in yet.

I KNOW WHY I NEED MY TREATY CARD! I am going for minor toe surgery, and have needed it for a while and just never did anything about it. And I have to find out if it is covered by Indian Affairs, because otherwise it is $400 and that's a lot of money for someone like me! I have to get something called a Partial Nail Avulsion. Gross hey? DON'T WEAR TIGHT SHOES!!!

I am still waiting to hear about my tests and stuff. BLAHHHHHHHHHHH! Isn't 2 weeks up already???

I still love the words Indian Affairs, because it sounds kind of sexy, rawr!

Let's Break Out the Blouse and Have a Ball!

2011-03-13T19:22:00.001-06:00

I have a shitload of writing to do in the next few days! I have to get a big chunk of my company's website content written because I need to do more on that front, and I have to write a script, and I have to write a grant! :O Eeeeeeeeeeee! I don't know how much money I should ask for. I am applying to the Aboriginal Media Arts Section for my Mars video. I can ask for up to 60,000 buckaroos, but I don't know that I will need THAT much. I really have to get working on it, the deadline is April 1st, AND I have to get my final report in for my travel grant. AND I might also apply for a grant at the Sask Arts Board.

It makes me want to get some weed and get ripped and go on a writing binge. I sometimes feel like getting high makes me write better. I don't know if that is true. I should do some experiments on myself and discover if it is a fact or not. In fact, I really should try the six week abstaining experiment and see if my life improves without the green. But it's a little hard for me to do that. I think the longest I have gone recently is three weeks. Can I add three more weeks to that? Probably.

But what I really have to do is get organized for writing all this stuff. I also have to write some final report forms. It's all a lot of work! BUT hopefully by the end of all this work I will have content to send to my web designer and a 47,000 grant to make a video with most of a script written. Actually by reading the guidelines of the grant I am applying for, I can write a script and do a production and do post production all on the same grant. And I think my budget doesn't have to be as specific (33 clothespins at 10 cents a pin etc etc.). So I have 12 pages of a 30 minute script written and I should be able to get my grant based on that. And all my supporting material.

I am at a loss of what to do for support material, I think I might email Ian Reid at the Canada Council and inquire. Last time they didn't like me including a documentary because "it had nothing to do with the project" of doing a narrative dramedy. I didn't know support material had to be DIRECTLY related to the project one is applying for funds for. It kind of locks artists into genres, which I find problematic. Where is the room for growth?

I had kind of a sad dream last night, for two reasons. One is that I was trying to get Rheanne to love me back as in by being with me, and she wouldn't have anything to do with me. And the other part I was in a store trying to select a Godzilla toy, and my late friend Matthew Oscienny loved Godzilla and sort of collected them, and I thought of him in my dream. I woke up missing both of them and feeling out of sorts.

The funny thing about this is the night before I dreamed about snuggling with one of my mega crushes and it made me so happy and feeling all those warm fuzzies. I was trying to have a similar dream by thinking about her before falling asleep, but it didn't work!

I have been texting lately, although my phone is not the best for texting. Maybe I will even do some sexting! Ha ha, actually no, my phone doesn't even have a camera.

I did send some naked pictures of myself to someone once but then her equipment got stolen and I suspect a non-lesbian is looking at my tits. GRODY! These tits should have a tattoo on them that say "For Wimmin's Eyes Only!" Ha ha ha, whatever. I showed them in my videos all the time. When you have nice breasts, it kind of behooves one to show them off. At least it behooves me.

I tried to write Let's Break out the booze and have a ball on my facebook status but my iPad changed it to let's break out the blouse and have a ball. Ha ha ha!

On the road again . . .

2011-03-11T15:03:00.000-06:00

Hello from my mom's iPad on The Grand hotel's wireless here in Kelowna! This is my first time blogging on the iPad, so there are bound to be hilarious spelling mistakes. I have a pretty swank room here, with a king sized bed that dwarfs me and a tv and it's a corner suite so I have TWO big windows. I am killing time before I present my work at an International Women's Day event where I am told there will be mega amounts of bannock.

I am glad I get this over with before six when I take to drinking. Lol. But seriously, it is better to present earlier when you are someone who gets public speaking nerves. I can do public speaking, I am pretty used to it, but I still get nervous before hand. When I am actually talking I usually forget about my nerves and just start thinking about my work and why and what and how and all that good blah blah. I have some good facts about myself I pull out, like that I made my first video when I was sixteen and that I made most of my early work with just me and a camcorder. I wish I had Untouchable to show, but I don't.

For some reason I packed my articles of incorporation with all the rest of my stuff. I also paked my vaporizer and toiletries and a pair of flavors so I wouldn't walk around in incriminating snow boots. By flavors I mean Fluvogs of course. Silly iPad.

A warning to Canadians who smoke: if you don't have time to stop at the Rez for 8 dollar smokes, be prepared to shell out seventeen dollars at the airport! I have a pretty pricey pack of DuMauriers which I have been smoking so sparingly. Airports shouldn't be allowed to gouge so much money out of people, I have noticed everywhere I go that airports Jack up prices on everything, not just smokes. Why do people think travelers are full of money?

I also learned you can't buy a beer on Westjet unless you have a major credit card, because they have gone to a cashless cabin. And you can't check into a hotel anymore without having a credit card, even if someone else is paying for it. Clearly this little homo needs a credit card. but I have been resisting because I can tell based on my manic spending habits that I would get into trouble. It is one thing to spend all my rent money on Buddha statues, it is another to rack up 6000 dollars worth of debt by buying something ridiculous or a series of ridiculous things.

I didn't make any spectacular airport friends. In fact I think I was completely silent for my entire trip. Oh, except for saying "coffee with cream and sugar" and "thank you.". It is not entirely out of the ordinary for me to go ages without saying something. That being said, I also blab to myself all the time while I am alone, about all kinds of things.

My mom is supposed to call me back, but somehow I don't think she is going to. I have been doing typing work for her and she says she is going to pay me, but AT THE END OF THE MONTH. And I am supposed to be paid for this gig but it will get mailed to me whenever. Sooooo, well I hope I get some money for dirty bingo because I really need a new vibrator.

The Sexual Heath Centre in Saskatoon sells vibrators AT COST starting at five bucks! But I have been hearing good things about the Lelo vibrators. Which run at about 150 bucks. I wonder how much those crazy steam powered vibes cost doctors in the good old days of finding efficient ways to masturbate hysterical patients. I saw those old timey ones at Good Vibrations in San Francisco.

You know, after doing this for a while I can say that typing on the iPad isn't nearly as annoying as I thought it would be. Maybe because I am sitting at a desk.

TWO HOURS before I depart for Alternator and get myself all set up. I am kind of craving a peanut buster parfait. I should go get a sandwich or something.

All Day with Baby!

2011-03-07T21:34:00.000-06:00

OMG BABIES ARE A LOT OF WORK! Especially at my nephew's age, which is big enough to walk around but not big enough to say sentences. He's really not a baby baby anymore, he's a little boy. Very little. He was awake for something like five hours from getting here in the morning until finally crashing at 4pm for an hour and a half. All was peaceful, but you couldn't be too loud or you would wake the baby. And then he woke up and we had dinner and then he went home. I changed a diaper today. It wasn't a poopy diaper though, that would have been worser. I saw him make a poop face. He got all red and stuff. Babies are weird that way. I will be glad when he realizes toilets are for pooping in and not for throwing things in and flushing them away. We had to keep all kinds of doors closed and a baby gate up and he still was trying to play with a spray bottle and found a jar and it's entourage of dust bunnies. And our closets are not baby proof, that is for sure.

I finally saw my doctor, did I mention that in the last post? It is true! I am getting a referral to a gynecologist to discuss my options in regards to these fibroids. I am seriously considering an ablation, which would burn the lining of my uterus and then I would not have periods again. And hopefully it would keep me from having to get a hysterectomy, although I don't know for sure, I will have to come up with a list of questions to ask this gynecologist. It will also get rid of my fertility. I am pretty sure I never want to be pregnant, but it is also a big decision to make. And "pretty sure" sounds dodgy.

I am also waiting to hear back on some tests for this and that. I hope there is nothing to worry about. Because I really don't want to have to add more pills. It's hard enough swallowing all of them at once now, I'd probably choke to death with more.

Actually I think I am at an all time psych med LOW that is psychiatrist approved! Right now I am on Epival, Risperidone, and Wellbutrin. And that is IT! Besides that I am on iron and ranitidine. So it's not such a big deal. But I can still tell if I miss them, I don't feel right. Not like I feel CRAZY, just off, sometimes I get more cry-ey when I miss my morning meds, which is my Wellbutrin. And if I forget my night meds I won't be able to sleep properly, I will keep waking up in the night and thinking. And when you are someone who thinks as much as I do, it's nice to have a break! Anyway, that's the scoop with my meds. It's been a while since my last manic episode. I'm sure I've had some milder hypomanic episodes, but those don't usually cause too much trouble. Or DO THEY????

But yes, I have been out of the hospital for nearly four years!!!! I'm really happy about that, because being in the hospital wipes out a year of my life in terms of feeling productive and creative and functioning. Bleh. And they say it will take me longer to recover each time it happens. So I really don't want to get off my meds. They've made me feel way more stable. And life has still had shitty moments, but I haven't been bleakly suicidal in that time either. Except for when I got out of the hospital. I was pretty suicidal in the group home, it was yucky! I just kind of held on until things got better for me.

Yucky. But post mania depressions are not that uncommon. Especially when you have just flooded your brain with all that dopamine and seratonin and have to build it back up again. It takes a while!

I heard a cautionary tale once from this gay friend who told me he had friends who were doing ecstacy ALL THE TIME for a while and in the end they said they couldn't feel happy anymore, like they just used up all the happiness you're allowed to have in life. Now that is depressing!

I won 2 dollars and a free play in Lotto Max. The next draw is for 50 million and 30 Maxmillions. I have three numbers. HOPE HOPE HOPE I win some cash! I am such a wimp gambler really, I only buy Lotto Max tickets when it's for 50 million and Lotto 649 when it is 17+ million. And that doesn't happen THAT frequently. And I don't play the same numbers over and over. Which I am told is what I should do.

I was too busy with baby to do much of what I was going to do today. I am going to have to try this again tomorrow. I wrote a list of things I have to do but it got submerged beneath a pile of papers~!

And Mum's got some kind of stuff she is working on too and it has made us all very busy. I am in charge of making dinner for a while. Tomorrow we are having Black Bean Soup! :D Today we had a Frittata and the day before yesterday we had tacos!

Little Mister had a haircut and a wash and a manicure on Friday, he looks quite dapper! And he is happier I think, although he doesn't stay outside as long, having so little fur now.

Weird times, my friend, weird times.

2011-03-01T14:10:00.003-06:00

Okay, maybe I am starting to believe the hype about 2012 again. Not like in an aliens attack way (although maybe?) but more in a massive global shift. There are a HELL of a lot of revolutions going on right now, and it seems to be reaching a peak. Trust me to be a CEO when the revolution comes to eat the rich! Ha ha, kidding. But really, who knows?

I have a LOT of stuff to do today, and I even wrote a whole list of things on a piece of paper last night. There are 8 things I can do TODAY! And only ONE of them involves leaving the house. But I haven't done them yet. Instead I got stuck on facebook reading the news. I mean the real news smart ass, the links to articles. Not who is freezing cold in -35 or -45 or -55 or whatever my friends are living through around Canada.

Although I feel your pain, my weather friends! ;)

There is a lot of snow over here, I should really take some pictures because it is kind of impressive.

But I keep seeing all these negative stories about people with bipolar in the news, today I saw one calling Ghaddafi's behaviour bipolar. And then there are all these criminals. It depresses me as a fine upstanding bipolar disordered Butch. Oh the stigma! I know there are others who aren't the nicest, but can't it be balanced with more discussion of our accomplishments and talents? We need a Bipolar Disorder Pride movement. Our parades would be great, because the manic people would be most flamboyant and colorful and have amazing chants, and the depressed people could watch from home on television because they don't have the energy to go out!

I ate dill pickle dip today and then started craving pickles only to find there are NONE in the house!!!!! No pickles! :'( I love a good pickle. Especially Vlassic Garlic Baby Dills.

I have to add one more thing to my list. Write a Muthafuckin GRANT! AND a 30 minute script! Before April 1st! Oh mans! That means I have to write a DETAILED budget, and this would be the first time I have done such a thing. I have gotten grants so far that had really easy budgets to write, but this is going to need stuff like a real feature film budget, with more specific categories. The last time I sat down to write my script I wrote two pages, lost both of them due to a crash, and then re-wrote a page. It made me sad and discouraged so I haven't written in a while. But it's got to get done. I know how it ends. I just have to think of the details of how they get there. What I should really be doing is going for thinking walks. I think best when I go for a walk. Try it! It really works. I guess there is a treadmill in this room. Bleh. Ha ha ha! I just say bleh because I think part of the thinking process comes from moving about in the world. And in my part of the world it is SUPER cold! :(

x( <--- Dead Cyclops.

Going through this Self Employment program has made me realize how to do my career better. It's been really hard to have a career and a highly active mental health issue at the same time. My productivity went down. I wasn't as creative when I was depressed or recovering from a Manic Episode. But I've been stable for a while now, and I feel like I am getting back to life. And wanting to make amazing art. I feel like I know emotions better, and I think I learned some things about spirituality and the human condition through my illnesses and recovery periods and stuff. Hard weird lessons.

My main question is, how is the revolution going to be for persons with mental health issues like me who are dependent on stability of routine and medications from Big Pharma??? It's a little scary. I don't want to go off the rails during tumultuous global events. Cause people would be really really REALLY annoyed by my insights of the situation if I was manic again. And I would get sores on my feet again.

It will be FOUR MUTHAFUCKIN YEARS since I have been in the hospital starting about end of May! Hurray! I am a little nervous because it was four years before THAT that I was in the hospital. Which means I am worried I am Due For Another Episode.

EPISODE #3 of My Manic Life: Thirza goes manic while a revolution sweeps across Canada and wanders around from KFC to KFC spending her paycheque on Toonie Tuesday in an effort to support David Suzuki who, really, looks like Colonel Sanders! Some birdhouses are found and dutifully brought home even though a cat lives with her who eats birds.

NooooO! Someone STOP IT FROM HAPPENING!

Last night I had to pop a sleeping pill. And then I had this sex dream with this girl who suddenly said "I don't want you touching me like that!" and going away. Ha ha ha, omg! And then David Suzuki's Nephew was there? ? ? And all these people wanted to get their pictures taken with him. Needless to say by then the sex dream part was over.

I'm glad I have take as needed sleeping pills, they have REALLY helped me out.

Girls in the truck 'bout six chicks deep!

2011-02-26T16:49:00.000-06:00

Last night my cousin was being drunk and aggressive and we had to go pick him up, and the little shit left our house in the middle of the night and went back!!!! In -25 weather! He could have passed out in a snowbank and froze to the friggin sidewalk! ARG!

SO dramatic. I never know what to do with Black Out drunks, usually I leave where they are, but this time we had to bring him to us! He wandered about looking for more booze and crying.

I finally bought my plane ticket to Kelowna for International Women's Day where I am presenting my art. I have to get that all together. Regrettably I do NOT have my videos on DVD, my distributors do though, so I will have to ask them to borrow the DVDs and then rip and burn and then send them back. At least now I can make a DVD of EVERYTHING to use for future presentations. It's about time! I don't even have a copy of my first video. This all reminds me of Kilgore Trout in Breakfast of Champions where he has to go to Times Square sex shops to find the smutty books that used his writing as vehicles for pornography because he has no copies.

I'd like to write a book sometime. Something entertaining, like a fictionalized account of my life to protect my friends who would be incriminated. I wish I could use their real names. I like thinking of fake names for my friends. I have come up with so many! Sometimes I forget their real names, almost. I had an awesome fake name for Velveeta in one blog, I called her Miranda because once she wore a wig that made her look like Miranda Richardson wearing a wig in The Crying Game. Although I have to admit, Miranda is not as descriptive a name as Velveeta. But there are relatively few Velveetas in the world and I was an angry ex at the time and didn't want it to get back to her that I said all these things.

I think I was a better blogger when I was anonymous, because I bared my soul! I don't anymore.

But this is more my mood:

I need some girls in the truck 'bout six chicks deep!

I really need to start writing down all the things I have to get done every day! Like my damn credit score and report, and setting aside time to do all my drawings for my video. I have to draw an Oompa Loompa's dick. I am not entirely sure how to do that. I also have to order in a whack of preview videos and do some digitizing. And finish up with this business plan.

I have finally started Skyping with far away friends! :D It's exciting to see their lovely faces and hear their voices. My camera isn't the greatest though. Oh well. I want to do more Skyping! I am getting addicted!

My mother isn't home, and hasn't been home all afternoon! I miss her! I want her to come back!
Doo doo do doo doo do doo doo.

This has been a ridiculous post, I didn't mention anything of note!

25 Random things, again.

2011-02-25T19:25:00.001-06:00

I wrote this for facebook, but considering their heinous censorship decided to post it here too, which has never censored me. Enjoy!

1. I used to ride horses when I was a little girl. Once the horse my adult friend was on bucked her off and took off galloping away, and mine decided to gallop away too! I had never been on a galloping horse before and I just kind of scrunched up like a jockey and held on for dear life until I could get the horse back under control. I'd really like to ride a horse again, I think I can remember how to steer them.

2. I have a notoriously bad habit of falling deeply in love with unavailable women and pining for years at a time! My first real crush at 14 lasted for 2 years! No nookie though. I am not sure why I do this, it's made for a lot of no sex for years at a time.

3. The longest I have gone without sex is eight years. Beat that! I feel like I should be ashamed of this. But after a string of number 2's happening to me, that is what happened!

4. I had my first manic psychosis when I was 24 and living in Montreal. I talk about this a lot so maybe I should mention the not so well discussed aspects of it. I was hospitalized in a french speaking hospital which was very similar in experience to One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. I had a lot of problems talking to the staff because very few of them understood english and often had to ask other patients to translate for me. This was Montreal, which meant there were English hospitals too, but they refused to let me move to one. I don't know why. Being trapped in a French speaking abusive hospital made me really hate the Quebecois for a long time, I have to admit. I am mostly over it now. But I will never live in Montreal again.

5. When I was in Grade 2 we lived in Missoula Montana for the school year while my Mum worked on her Masters of Fine Arts. My teacher, Mrs. Joy Nelson, taught me how to write and had all kinds of creative writing exercises we did all year. I wrote a story about my cousin Luke sending me a kit to make a robot and all the things we did with the robots. I don't remember what else I wrote now, that one was my favorite. I have been writing ever since.

6. Once when I was a little girl I tried to put on an improv puppet show for my Mum but she left after five minutes of me standing around trying to think of what to say next. She said she wouldn't watch it unless I had a script!

7. I am planning to buy a house here in Saskatoon, hopefully in five years. That is the plan. I am thinking of a three bedroom house with a backyard. Mister refuses to live in an apartment or condo now. He will be an old man by the time we have our own house with a backyard, so until then I am living in my Mom's house because she has a mostly empty basement and a backyard. He is a really happy boy in this house and is now almost always wagging his tail!

8. When I was two years old I saw this weird thing, and out of all my not-normal experiences I still think it is the most remarkable because it was SO WEIRD! I used to share a bunk bed and room with my sister Sky and the door would get locked at night otherwise Sky would run away. Anyway, this one morning I wanted out and I was banging on the white wooden door and crying when this image appeared on the door, like a screen set into the door. It was an overhead view of the Buy-Rite Furniture store parking lot. This would have been in 1980 so the cars were all 70's big Buicks and the like. I stared at it for the longest time, cars were going in and out and parking and it was sunny. Then my Dad opened the door and it was gone! I have no explanation for what I saw, to this day.

9. I called 911 in Grade 8 for the first time because my sister set the living room armchair on fire. I wrote a story about it but I haven't published it online. She found some matches and lit them and by the time I was summoned from the basement to help it was a great big bonfire in our living room. Mum ended up putting it out by running back and forth from the bathtub to the fire with a bucket. She was a hero. We all had Hitler mustaches by the end of it from the smoke.

10. I carefully entrusted my virginity with my biggest love ever when we were 17 years old, but then she never slept with me again! :O And she had long nails, which cut out a whole bunch of activities we could have done.

11. I used to shoot rifles in BC. I actually contemplated a school shooting when I was being bullied, but luckily I didn't do anything and we moved back to Saskatoon. I was a good aim for someone with no gun experience before then! I'd like to go to a target range and shoot more guns, but I don't ever want to shoot something living or even own a gun.

12. I didn't drink and only smoked two puffs of a joint all through high school. I wasn't trying to be a goody goody, I just already knew by then that I had serious mental health issues (though I wasn't diagnosed with anything) and felt that being straight edge was my only hope of getting through high school as sanely as possible. It worked!

13. The first time I smoked pot and it actually got me ripped was when I went with some queerdos to the Pink Floyd and the Doors Lazer Light Show at the Planetarium in Vancouver. We hot boxed in the parking lot with a joint made of pot, hash, and oil. It was the best trip ever and when I got to the bathroom everything SLOOOOOWED DOOOOOOWN! It took me ten minutes (in my head) to wash and dry my hands, and I kept giggling.

14. I used to be really into anti-psychiatry, but now I am into being critical of psychiatry and not anti. The reason is because the anti-psychiatry people seem to tell everyone that we can just throw away our meds and be sane on a diet of herbs and sunshine and exercise, and I think that is really irresponsible. I did follow their advice and ended up having my second manic psychosis when I was 28-29. My 29th birthday was spent in the psych ward here in Saskatoon. Yeah the meds do bad things, but some of us need them.

15. I am afraid that the apocalypse will happen and I won't have access to my psych meds, and will end up being a raving mad street preacher trying to live off my lactations while everything goes to hell.

16. I was always trying to set up clubs when I was a kid, but mostly because I liked making the membership cards. I would draw on them and then laminate them by using white glue to stick saran wrap onto the cards. It works surprisingly well. But no one ever came to my clubs. Once in high school I tried to start the first Gay-Straight Alliance but it just ended up being me and this bisexual friend and our gay friend sitting on the front lawn eating chips. After that meeting there were no more. Maybe I should have made some membership cards!

17. When I was a very small girl I used to feel what some folks call God in the sunshine and the plants. I don't get the same feeling anymore, but intellectually I still understand the concept.

18. I was a transman for six months and my name was Sarain. It was different, that is for sure. But in the end I decided to go back to being Thirza because I realized I really like my secondary female sex characteristics. My Mum had a really hard time with all the he him his and my boy name, so she was relieved when I decided to stay a butch girl. I realized there were things about becoming a boy that I found really boring and unappealing, whereas I can be a butch girl and do masculine things and still have lovely womanly things.

19. I came out to my mom on February 22, 1993. I was fourteen. It was the scariest thing I had ever done at that point and she was really good about it. She had to go away on a Canada Council jury so while she was in Ottawa she went to the Women's bookstore and talked to some young lesbians who loaded her up with all the books they thought a baby dyke should have. The only ones I remember now were Lesbian Sex and three different Dykes To Watch Out For books.

20. I would like to get married! :D However I think the cost of weddings is outrageous, so I have decided I would rather go to a justice of the peace with maybe two witnesses and then have a big party with all our friends.

21. I was actively Christian after my first psychosis, but since then have gone back to my non-worshipping self. I believe in a grand spirit, but I don't think it cares if I go to a building with a high roof and a history of protecting pedophiles. Also I find so much vocal Christianity to be really hateful.

22. When I was living in Vancouver I decided I HAD TO HAVE a dachshund! But when I got word of this rescue doxie looking for a home the woman I called ridiculed me for having a job and not having a yard. I did end up with a Mister Man long haired black and tan dachshund not long after I moved to Saskatoon. He makes me really happy. I love dogs. I prefer them to cats, although I do have a Beatrix kitty.

23. I have always been the first one to say I Love You. I would like the be the one who gets to say I Love You Too. But I usually make all the first moves anyway. Still, it would be nice to hear it before I say it.

24. My first real girlfriend (not the one I lost my virginity to) was hopelessly vanilla. I am now glad she dumped me because I don't think it would have worked out.

25. I've had below the belt piercings three times, but currently only wear one. It's sparkly, has little gems on it, I would dearly like to show someone. When I first got pierced I used to whip down my pants for anyone who wanted to see, I was kind of shameless. This time I am being coy. Although I just wrote this paragraph. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Wasabi Rice Crackers are not my Favorite

2011-02-25T12:26:00.002-06:00

Neither are Wasabi peas when I think about it. And when I have sushi I use wasabi very sparingly.

In Vancouver there is an ice cream shop that has a bazillion flavours and one of them is Wasabi, I have never tried it.

I'm feeling positive about moving on from my bitch ex. When I think about it there is something kind of creepy about her. I can't put my finger on it. There's something kind of paternalistic about her, is that what I mean? Maybe. Like a moral superiority. I hate that. I think there is something human about making mistakes and doing risky behaviours. All I know is that she was horrified by me when I was sick the last time and it has always bothered me. I need someone with some empathy.

I am actually thinking maybe it would be more sensible to date other persons living with mental health issues. I am tired of the Norms. They don't GET IT! My cousin and his girlfriend are both bipolars . . . well I wouldn't choose their relationship as an exemplary example though. My best friends often have some kind of mood disorder going on with them, and I think I am such good friends with them because of it, we have common ground you know.

Anyway, it's all ridiculous for me to think about because I actually have to get ready to present my work in Kelowna in a couple of weeks and also make a DVD of my videos for Berlin AND also do all the curatorial work for this Queer Youth video program at Entzaubert this year. Speaking of which, when I put in Queer Youth Videos in google the whole damn feed has been colonized by the It Gets Better project, which is fine if I want to lecture youth with videos by adults, but that is NOT what I have in mind at all! I am looking for work made BY queer youth about their experiences and so forth. It kind of pisses me off that the It Gets Better project is choking out the few links of queer youth driven video projects. Also as someone who has been in an institution after high school (and I'm not talking art school) I know that it doesn't necessarily get any better. And besides that I take issue with adults telling suicidal youth they have to suffer through youth based oppression until adulthood.

Anyway, I have two videos I know I want to show for sure. One is James Diamond's video where he comes out to his mom, it is really intense.

I want to make more beautiful art! Something that will resonate with just the right people.

I have an appointment with the Disability Loans people on Monday morning, but I have to change it because my Chapan's funeral is on Monday. There, I just sent off an email to change it to Wednesday. BUT I must remember that I have my coaching session from 12 - 12:30 and my SUPER IMPORTANT doctor's appointment at 1. Maybe I can meet them in the morning or after 2. I also have to get to work on polishing up my business plan, AND I still have to do my Credit Check and get my score and report. I's afeard! But better to know. Plus I think my Identity was stolen in Vancouver when I lost my birth certificate in a Scotiabank dumpster.

I also have to get a cell phone, SOOOOOOOON! It's going to be my business line, plus people have explicitly told me to get a cell phone because they try to get a hold of me and I am not always home. It's the WAY OF THE FUTURE! My lovely friend Robin finally got one but adamantly refuses to text with me when I get mine. So I will have to listen to her melodius voice instead. Crap I spelled that wrong. Melodyious???? Pbbt!

Anyway, I had better get in touch with my distributors and see if they have any of my videos on DVD's for me to screen. And where did my Mom go????? She left the house! :O Probably doing fancy art work like, OH! I know where she is, she is at the sign painters!

Cell phone cell phone cell phone. I want an android! I have decided not to get an iPhone because they are kind of fucked up in how they approve apps and how much money they take from news subscriptions. Carrie talked me into it. She has an android and loves it. SHE has an app that will turn off the sound just by shaking it back and forth! I was duly impressed. And D'Arcy has an app that translates other spoken languages instantly! I think the Germans might be annoyed if I hold up a phone to find out what they are saying, but who knows when it could come in handy!

Watch this video! I keep thinking of this song when I am laying down trying to go to sleep. It is Backstabber by the Dresden Dolls.

Moving forward, moving on, moving parts

2011-02-23T15:21:00.002-06:00

My business is starting to come together. I got my certificate and articles of Incorporation in the mail today, I called the First Nations Bank to set up an appointment for a business bank account (Mr. Mr. still hasn't called back yet though) and I got in touch with an Entrepreneurs With Disabilities program which offers small business loans of a maximum of $15,000, which is almost the exact figure I need. I am meeting with them Monday morning at 10 am. I have to do my credit score and report still, and I eventually will need a business license. Once I get my loan I can do my favorite thing . . . SHOPPING! I will be getting a desktop computer and a laptop, along with all my software, furniture, accessories, etc. And then I can start actually working! I'm nervous, I hope all goes well at the meeting. They need to see my business plan, so I'm glad I did so much work on it, but I do have more work to do still.

I also have to move my bedroom to the other side of the basement and paint it and get it ready for becoming an office where I will do all the editing and blah de blah. And generally make the basement seem nicer and more inviting to people who will be sitting down here with me working on their masterpieces. I think maybe I should set up a microwave and coffee maker down here. Maybe I should even get a tiny fridge.

My ex sent me a harsh email! She said I didn't have the strength to be with her, that I had no willpower, no ambition, and no drive! :O I was shocked! I feel like she's judged me so much based on my fucked up year when I got sick. And besides that, if I have anything it's got to be ambition, I've always been ridiculously ambitious. Whatever. She sure didn't stick around when I got sick, and even though I have been stable for nearly four years now, there is always the possibility of a breakthrough episode even with all these pills I swallow twice a day. Can I really afford to be with someone who's just going to bail when I have a health problem? More to the point, why be with someone who so clearly doesn't understand me or why I do what I do? She says she was waiting for me to figure out my life. So when is my life all figured out enough for a serious relationship??? Do I have to have some kind of action plan on every aspect of everything? Do I need to know what I am going to be doing when I am 50????

Anyway, I do have my life figured out. I am going to edit, curate, write, produce, direct until I die! Isn't that enough? Maybe she isn't artist friendly, she sure does have some kind of different idea of what and why I do art. She'd probably do better with someone boring like an investment banker or a stock broker. At least they would keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed, while I am still living in drips and drabs of money coming in once in a while.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be stock brokers!

Well that's over anyway. I was really close to finally closing the book on the whole thing before this email came in. Why should I jump through some invisible hoops just to go for coffee with an ex lover? And anyway, why be with someone who has such a low opinion of me? I'm worth way more than that. Maybe I'm not worth much to her because I've had health issues that have curtailed my life starting in my mid twenties. But I hate that, it's such an immature view of relationships, that people must be at their pinnacle of health and not have a backstory of trauma. I hate when I try to talk about certain exes and people say "Oh, wasn't she fucked up?" Um, aren't YOU fucked up for saying that? Who doesn't have some shit going on in their life? Show me ONE PERFECT PERSON!

Besides, some of the people I have known at their most fucked up have still done intensely beautiful amazing things with their lives. I am impressed by tenacity and bravery. And if you have everything going for you already, you don't really have to be brave.

At least I have an answer now, I can say "OKAY! This mindset she has is why it didn't and won't work!" And now I can move on! :D

And like I mentioned in the last post, there ARE a few ladies I am interested in who seem kind of interested in me. Like maybe three of them? But one doesn't live here.

Either way, maybe starting a serious relationship AND my own company is all a little much at once. Maybe I should just keep taking it SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Build up the antici-

pation!

My Great Grandmother died this morning, leaving her house to my Dad. Now he has three houses! He said I could move into one of them, but they are on the reserve and in a small town and I think it would kill my home based business if I moved that far away from the city. Plus I have no car. No car! Hell, I don't even have a driver's license!

I really do want a house of my own though. With three bedrooms, one for me, one for my partner when she doesn't want to sleep with me (should I ever get one) or to use as a spare room, and one for my editing suite. In a nice neighborhood with tall trees and shapely grass. I don't know why grass would be shapely, I just wanted to use that word. Have you ever walked on SHARP grass? Like lawn grass? It's weird and it hurts!

Anyway, I have to find a way to get to my Chapan's funeral. Chapan is a Cree word for great grandparent. I don't know who I will get a ride with. I don't even remember her, though I met her when I was learning to walk. That is a LONG time ago now!

I am listening to this great song by PJ Harvey off her new album Let England Shake. It's called The Words That Maketh Murder. Have a listen!

True Crush Confessions!

2011-02-20T23:42:00.004-06:00

I went to Taboo this year with my friend Carrie and I have to fess up, I SMOKED! And not just one either! :O But it's all cool because I bought an impact toy there that someone can punish me with later.

ACTUALLY now I have noticed I have more phlegm in my throat after smoking so much. It is clear my body would prefer to not smoke.

Anyway, there's my confession. But I have not had a cigarette since getting home!

I found out this morning (early afternoon actually) that I am going to Berlin this July! I'm so excited, and I have to do a whole bunch of work for it like curate a queer youth program and author a DVD of my selected videos for my retrospective. It will be good for me to get some more experience in DVD Authoring for my business, specifically in making chapters in a video. I've yet to do that, having made DVD's of short tapes mainly, and not needing chapters at all!

I am looking forward to seeing some folks in Berlin and getting out of Canada at some point this year. Although I know I will get homesick for my country. Missing Cheezies and Good Host Ice Tea. Canadian culinary classics!

That being said I haven't had any Cheezies for at least two weeks and it hasn't broken my heart.

I have started coming to this amazing realization that even though being in poly relationships has so far just been this default style for so long (queer ladies love that poly stuff!) ACTUALLY I really like the freedom inherent within it. I like that I can have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and there won't be an issue if I happen to meet another lady who is kissable and more. The only thing I haven't liked in the past is when I don't feel special. I don't quite know what I mean by that. I was going to say "Primary" but then that's kind of a weird way of being. Although I think I would like a primary partner and then casual lovers, I don't know if I could keep two intense relationships going at once. But who knows? I just think it is easier to find lovers than a longterm committed POLY relationship with someone, so I would be surprised if I ended up with two or more SERIOUS girlfriends. But one serious girlfriend/wife and a bunch of casual lovers would be nice.

I was talking with a friend today about having a poly household and I remembered the year I thought having a girlfriend and a houseboy would be nice. I think the houseboy would be genderqueer. I don't even know if our houseboy would have a flesh and blood penis. I would want someone who gets off on cleaning, because I really hate cleaning. And then I could come along and paddle them for missing a spot! And my wife would do some other thing to them, and we would all be happy! Except I think they would have their own room, probably in the basement of our house. Or over the garage. Ha ha, I doubt that will ever happen, but it makes me smile!

I have had a SHITASTIC week for taking morning and night meds. I have been so crap at it! And it makes me feel bad because I don't intend to not take them, I just forget and then I'm like "Aw fuck!" And when I move my head a certain way I heard this weird noise and it's just this classic side effect from getting off an antidepressant, almost like paxil zaps but not painful! I've been crappy! I am actually doing pretty well except for the noises, but I still know it's because I have had those meds in my system for a long time and it takes weeks for the effects to wear off completely. I am still committed to taking them, but I am going to have to figure out the best way to remind myself!

I've had a crush on this one girl for a while now, it's been making me smile. Someone other than The Love Of My Life, who is still not interested in me. But I don't want to make any sudden moves and scare her off, even writing this paragraph feels a bit dodgy. She's pretty special though and I am super curious about her and spending more time with her. So far everything I have learned about her I like. She has awesome politics and is super hot and involved in her community and creative, and those are all things I really appreciate. And we have other things in common. And she's femme! Wait, that's wrong, she's Femme, very much a capitalized Femme! She is NOT a Saskatoon girl though. And I don't really know what she thinks of me, if she's thinking of me in a sexy way. I feel like the not living in proximity to each other is limiting, for sure, so I really don't know. I feel like I want to get to know her better, but the internet is not the best way to learn someone's dreams and desires and preferences. And you can't kiss someone on the internet. I haven't talked about her on here really because she makes me shy and I think she might read this once in a while. And in case you are wondering, I have kissed her and she is a GOOD KISSER! :D

I like Butch-Femme relationships! They are my favorite! Butch-Butch doesn't do it for me usually, but sometimes it has. I really appreciate Femme women because my dynamic with them is really sweet and I feel safe enough to let out my mushy squishy vulnerable side. And I think they are so beautiful. And I like being able to hold Femme women when they are telling me things that make them super vulnerable and feeling happy that they trust me that much.

My ex-girlfriend Amber Dawn (OMG! I am about to plug my ex!) has a piece in the book "Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme" called "To All the Butches I Loved Between 1995 and 2005: An Open Letter about Selling Sex, Selling Out, and Soldiering On" and I haven't read it yet!!!! I am super curious, because we dated in 2000. And it WAS an intense relationship with a lot of fucking and talking and mornings spent in greasy spoons on Commercial and TRYING so hard and she was in the sex trade at the time and I'd never had ANY experience being in a intimate relationship with a sex worker. And I remember a lot of people gave me shit for dating someone who was in that kind of work, when there was SO MUCH other stuff going on with her too that was amazing and lovely to be around. And both of us were going through our own shit too. It was doomed from the start. But it also had really sweet and tender moments. I still remember going with her to see Chicken Run and she wanted a chicken pot pie after! :O

She wrote this really great line in it which is all I have seen so far. She wrote "Ours was an elbow-grease, adult-children-of-alcoholics, there-ain’t-no-such-thing-as-a-free-lunch butch-femme. That’s right, let’s say it again. Ours was a damaged-goods, bitter-pill, better-luck-next-time butch-femme.”

Yes it was, yes it was!

And I was undiagnosed. That was a mess!

I have no advice for people who are S.O.'s of a sex worker. I don't think I did a very good job of it. I was worried about her most of the time, it was pretty stressful. And I didn't have many people to talk about it with, because so many people thought bad things about my dating her simply because of prevailing idea that sex workers are low lifes. I didn't like people making assumptions about her without meeting her or knowing all the things she was involved in like making trans-inclusive queer sex shows or writing her novel or doing performances.

Well, I guess I am still trying to sow seeds for a loving poly relationship to flourish in my life. It's not going to happen with Rheanne, that is for sure! It's funny, maybe I was attracted to her because I was curious about monogamy, which is ridiculous because she is not single anyway and won't leave her partner. I just have this idea that monogamy is easier/lazier. But maybe it just gets boring or stifling or frustrating. I mean, hell, I don't know, I've never been monogamous!

I Could Kill Myself With My Panties

2011-02-18T22:20:00.002-06:00

I have narrowed my topics I want to cover in the next video to being institutionalized, which means I am going to shoot my next video based on a short story with illustrations which I self published in the Fit Of Pique zine. It's called I Could Kill Myself With My Panties, because that's what I was told when I lost my bra and panty privileges in the Montreal psych ward I was in.

I am going to do it like a lot of my other videos, with a voice over reading out the text. But I also need to come up with a visual look for it. I am thinking I will do some drawings based on the visual imagery in the story and scan them in and use those. So I have to do some reading and notations.

INSIDER SCOOP!!!! How Thirza Writes a Short Video Script (usually).
Usually I write the monologue first, and I always seem to do a monologue. Then I print it off and start writing images and shots in the margins. From this I make a shot list, and after shooting from there I put the whole thing back together into a cohesive form in editing. Editing is where the video really comes together because I will often add another crucial image to it and do more shooting. Plus I come up with more interesting soundscapes when I actually have images to work with.

Aside from that, I am busy getting stuff done for my business start up. I have to do some work on that this weekend actually.

I am waiting on some important mail, artist fees and my articles of Incorporation. I'm pretty excited for both!

I wish I had a better place for drawing, maybe I would be into it more if I had somewhere to draw. Also I would like to manipulate it with photoshop and maybe make some quasi animated imagery. I should go look for what drawings I have for that story already and then highlight other images in the text. And I should look on some creative commons sound effect sites for some relevant sounds.

What does an institution sound like? Well there are screams for sure.

I also have to set myself up in the basement finally. For my business I am moving out of the bedroom and into the more open other side of the basement, where I have to also set up a living room type space with my tv and all that set up. I have one armchair and I might get another chair down there. But I should really set it up so that my bed can be used for tv watching, because then it is also the perfect make out spot!

I wish I had Pro Tools, I love Pro Tools so much! I want to marry it!

I wish the basement wasn't such a weird space, I am sure it is haunted, but there is no where else for me to live at the moment so I kind of have to suck it up. Plus it's easier for me to have a homebased business here than a home where I am renting. I'm renting here too, but my mom OWNS the place and is fine with me operating a business out of her basement.

I went and did something stupid. I wrote a letter of desire to the love of my life and SHE NEVER WROTE BACK! :O I feel stupid. I don't know why I throw my heart onto the ground for her to stomp on all the time. She's so never going to be with me, I don't know why I even bother. I guess there is always that fragile hope that blooms and then withers and dies. It's a perennial type of hope.

I'm looking forward to the spring flowers this year. Maybe this year I will even make enough money to have some cherry blossoms tattooed onto my left forearm. Nice pink ones, all delicate and happy, against a blue sky.

Persnickety!

2011-02-15T21:18:00.004-06:00

I seem to have quit drinking pop. As an experiment. And so far the tummy pain has stopped. My friend Jasmine used to get gallbladder attacks triggered by pop. It's so weird what will trigger an attack. So now I have to go on without my favorite drink. I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I would be. But it was a constant in my life since I was old enough to drink it. It's probably put me at a horrible risk of diabetes, and my race, and my medication, both also contribute towards that.

Bleh. It's been since Friday that I have had a cigarette. I have had one to two lozenges everyday when I get really cravy, but so far it has been okay. OMG! I hope this is it, for serious, no more cigarettes!

In other news, I now am CEO of a corporation. :)

Wacky, that's for sure! It sounds like I should be making the equivalent of what an average Canadian makes all year by noon on Jan 1st! But I am not, so far. I am making exactly what the government wants me to make, until my program is over. So everything I make will go back into the business.

I can't use the internet in the basement because something is wrong. :( Oh well, I will figure it out. But also I am tired of writing on my old computer, it's just so OLD!

And persnickety!

ARG! I am tired of trying to convince this girl from my past that I am loveable! I have tried all kinds of ridiculous things and it has never worked!!! I feel like I never properly worked through our ending because I was crazy and every time I tried to talk about how I felt about this significant to me person I would be told not to talk about it! Imagine breaking up with someone who means a lot to you and being told not to talk about your feelings around it! UGH!

And anyway, I really should move on, but it still feels not quite right. I don't know what it is. I wish I could afford my psychic! I don't suppose you could write that off as a business expense. . . no, maybe for entertainment? Meals and Entertainment? Would I have to take my psychic out for dinner?

She's the psychic to the stars now! Complimentary readings by her were part of the gift bags at the Emmy's a couple years ago! And she is a consultant for shows like Ghost Whisperer. And she lives in Saskatoon!

Anyway. I feel like my career has some direction now, but my love life has NO DIRECTIONS at all! Or maybe too many directions. Too bad there isn't really love life counseling. I mean, maybe there is? For singles though??? The only kind of counseling I get is psych nurse counseling and it is more about health than deep seated issues I have. And she doesn't get poly relationships, sooooo, um, well, that's pretty much my whole roster of relationships I have had.

I still want to experiment with monogamy before I die though.

There was an ad on Facebook that kept cropping up all day today that had text reading "Saskatoon Bucket List! 365 Things To Do Before You Die" and next to that was a picture of a woman standing next to a pool in a bathing suit holding a monkey's hand. The monkey was wearing swimming trunks. I don't think I would agree with most things on that bucket list. I can do without swimming with the monkeys. Hell, I don't even want to go swimming with the dolphins!

Ongoing Health Issues

2011-02-13T20:28:00.002-06:00

I am REALLY tired today. I hardly slept last night because I had this insistent low grade stomach pain from about 10pm until 5am. I was also sharing the bed with my dog and cat, and they collectively took up most of the space and squished me against the wall, my head resting on a pillow resting on a dildo. Not very comfy. I did move the dildo, I'm not that crazy, but it made me realize I need a shelf or something by my bed. Or another box.

But the tummy pain has me worried. I think most of it will stop when I get my gallbladder removed, but that might be a while still. And I am nervous about getting surgery. Eeep!

I have gone two days without a cigarette! And today I didn't use my inhaler or my lozenge or any NRT at all. Just willpower! It seems to be working. I had very little to smoke for the last week, maybe one a day, except friday I totally smoked. But the rest of the weekend, nothing! I really hope this is it.

I really want to go to bed early, I am so tired from last night's rolling about in pain. And I forgot my night meds last night, and today I am hearing this shush shush noise, I am not quite sure what that's from. It could be from getting off my celexa too. But it's just this weird noise, I've gotten it before when I forget a dose of meds.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I am going to spend it as a single, just like I have for 31 years! I can't believe I only had a girlfriend once on Valentines day! Or was it twice? Hmm, one I call my ex but we never sat down and defined what making out whenever we saw each other meant. But she didn't spend Valentine's Day with me either, so I stand by my 31 years of singleness on Valentines Day. I just really liked spring summer fall relationships I guess.

It's not even 9 o'clock yet! But I want to crawl into bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Oh it would feel so nice, and my tummy doesn't hurt today!

Special Lady, and me complaining about my body

2011-02-10T15:27:00.003-06:00

I've been having terrible stomach pains in the late afternoon/evening/until about 3:00am time ranges. I am not quite sure what is going on. I used to think it was the gallbladder attacks but they are much more sustained and start earlier. I have to go back to a low fat diet, I've been eating not very healthy things recently like PIZZA and Fish and Chips and stuff. I'm worried it will be cancer or something terrible. I was reading about parasites and freaked out too, what if it is round worms eating away at my innards?? EEeeeep!

Either way, pain=bad, unless it is specifically administered pain done in a loving bdsm relationship. Or even not loving, hell, I am not picky.

OH but I am picky. I really want a loving long term relationship and I am stuck on this one specific person! I even made a 6 hour playlist on my iPod so I could think about her and mope about all lovelorn and forlorn! I feel bad, even if she is interested in me she might be scared off by how intense I am emotionally about her. And then what if I do have parasites or cancer and I'm just going to die from being eaten by a worm the size of a tumor?

I've also been getting short of breathe, and like, pains in my chest. It's not very good. I've been quitting smoking, but having maybe one to three cigarettes everyday so far. I had the tiniest cigarette today, but I think I am just going to tough it out the rest of the day, my nicotine inhaler and I. I know something is wrong with me, I just don't know what.

It's so weird to be at a state in my life where I actually WANT to keep living and doing and being. I had such terrible depressions for most of my life that it just seemed too miserable to keep going. I'm glad I did, but I do wish I hadn't started smoking and generally being self destructive to myself.

This year I think I am aiming for having a more consistent bedtime. I am always hearing from the doctor type people who work with people with bipolar disorder that a consistent bedtime is really important for maintaining stability. But I have been partying really late too many times this past year. A few times is okay, but not as much as I have been.

Jeez, stupid health problems. I wish I could just wake up every morning feeling fabulous, and go to sleep with no problems and no pain while holding Special Lady.

That is a good nickname for her actually, and it is even cooler because it sounds like a gun, which I think she would approve of.

She quietly rounded the corner, pulling her Special Lady out of it's holster and aiming square into the back of the perpetrator's head. . .

Well, I may as well post this now. I hope I don't have worms eating through my organs, that would really suck! :S

The pain of trying to be subversive

2011-02-06T10:31:00.002-06:00

I think I was about 19 when I made the conscious decision to become what I called "eccentric" which somehow changed at around 21 to being something like subversive. Or was it self destructive?? Either way, I committed to spending my twenties doing drugs and having sex and going to sexy/bdsm-y events and making controversial art. I don't know if I really succeeded at the sex part. I was pretty active in the first little bit of my twenties, but then there was this extended slump through the last majority of that decade. But I was going to be so damned subversive, and I don't know if I actually managed it. So many of my non-mainstream interests and likes have become mainstream.

It's particularly weird now to be standing at the Co-Op trying to decide on a type of honey with The Cure or Tori Amos or Joy Division playing over the p.a. system. I suppose I am the generation that grocery stores are catering to because I should have a kid by now according to the state of my fertile uterus. But it is scary to hear beloved music as MUZAK!

Time's running out for the eggs! I lose at least one once a month, and eventually the rest will be dust, or scooped out when I end up having a hysterectomy like all the other women in my family. Sometimes I wonder if I should freeze a few, just in case you know. I don't know what's so special about MY dna over other people's though. And I figure I will live on past my shelf life when my brain gets donated to science. Some nerdly scientist will discover the keys to bipolar disorder and make a gigantic breakthrough for all future people with this disease. On the other hand I could have a kid with a huge predisposition to bipolar disorder and have to nurse them through the inevitable early major depressions and suicidal ideation. See, now that just seems kind of cruel.

Is donating my brain subversive enough? Maybe I should donate the whole she-bang. Actually I'd really like my body to rot away on it's own in a facility like the Body Farm. But I don't know if Canada has a Body Farm. Either way, I'd like some kind of green way of disposing of my body.

But I'm getting away from the main topic of this post. I was actually going to talk about new ways I should consider being subversive. Having a mental illness and actually talking about it is pretty damned subversive. I hate when mental illnesses are considered taboo subjects that one shouldn't discuss. OMG! I have to take my meds!

Taken!!!!

Actually it's not that hard to be subversive when you belong to intersecting groups which are all oppressed for various reasons.

You know, being both First Nations and Queer makes my relationship to organized religions (specifically Christian) really adversarial. Not by my design, it just is. My tribe was colonized by the churches and my queer community is always being targeted by the churches as evil and sinful. I'm not sure anymore what Christianity has to offer me. I was really into it when I was 24 just because it's symbolism is so ingrained in mainstream North American culture. But it's not really something I can connect with as well anymore. I think it's mostly because Christ's followers have a lengthy history of committing pretty evil acts against people all over the world.

I don't think I really want to have a religion or specific type of spirituality. I think there is something far grander going on than can be described in English.

It's still early, on a Sunday, I can't be expected to make sense on a SUNDAY!

Looking for fun and Feelin' Groovy!

2011-02-04T17:46:00.000-06:00

It's cinnamon heart season and that always makes me happy. If someone really wanted to win my heart they could just do away with the flowers and get me a big huge bag of cinnamon hearts! Mmm cinnamon hearts taste like love!
Valentines is coming up. That means some people desperately looking for a mate, some couples trying to be romantic, and some people being bitter and angry. I don't think I fall into any of those categories though. I will be content to sit on the sidelines, watching my friends try to find someone to hump or being romantic with their S.O.'s while I eat my cinnamon heart out!
Valentines day is just an excuse for couples to lord it over their single friends though as if they have made it and are complete human beings while the rest of us limp along with our solitary selves. It's a dumb holiday! I've never had much luck with Valentines day, I think I only had a girlfriend on Valentines day once and I think all we did was have phone sex or something like that (she lived four provinces over).

There's an Anti-Valentines Day party at 302 called Shred Your Ex and while I like the idea of an anti-valentines day party, I don't like the idea of threatening violence against previous intimate partners. So I will probably not go, just based on the name. Oh, and you're supposed to bring a picture of your ex and shred it in the shredder. I dunno, that seems kind of extreme to me just for free cover. I didn't mind taking my pants off for free cover, but shredding any of my ex's photos, no! I like them all, most of them are still good friends of mine.

I am trying to think of places my straight friend could go to meet quality native men, because she's just been looking for a baby daddy in the bars and at casinos and I think that's not such a good idea. Not if you want a quality partner anyway. If you don't care that your lover will always be at the casino or bar then I guess it is okay to meet someone there.

I don't even meet potential partners at bars, I meet them through work or my art career, at festivals, in school, at protests, etc etc. And that one cashier at Safeway I picked up. I forget her name but she was disappointed in our date because I took her to a dessert place and she wanted fries. Oh well.

Oh man, these Cinnamon hearts are bugging my tummy! And I hafta go for a ride! Eeep!

I will report more later!

Harm Reduction Part Deux!

2011-02-03T21:56:00.000-06:00

In the name of Harm Reduction my mother has convinced me to get a portable vaporizer and use that for my primary smoking. She says it doesn't stink as much and it's also healthier, which is all true. So I went on a little shopping excursion and picked up some lube at Positive Passions and then hopped the bus down Broadway to B.O.B. Headquarters and got a run down on all their portable vaporizers. I ended up getting this small vaporizer that looks like a red aluminum pipe but has a little ceramic stone in it that you heat with your lighter and it vaporizes your herb. It has cut the stink down considerably, and I can feel that it is easier on my throat. Although I still cough sometimes when I suck in too much!

It surprised me that it even worked, the vapor tastes exactly the same as what you get from a Volcano Vaporizer, kind of nutty and popcorny. And it doesn't stink, not like a pipe being smoked, that is for sure. I am still learning how to properly use it and when the ground up bud is all used up. I'm pretty excited about having it though, and I can't wait to show it off to my pot aficionado friends. It also saves money in that I am not burning through my stash nearly as fast as I used to!

Well, I should go to bed. Enough talking about my stash! Which is all theoretical anyway . . . yes.

Dependable, Friendable.

2011-02-03T14:57:00.000-06:00

This writing everyday is hard work! Especially for a blog I don't get paid for. I do a lot of unpaid work for my career sometimes. No one has ever paid me for writing this blog. But that's okay, I don't need money. Well, yes I do. But I like writing anyway. Okay, whatever, what I am just doing is trying to jump start a blog topic by blathering.

I'm doing pretty good. I have started getting people asking me to come present work at different places in Canada and elsewhere and it's pretty exciting. I like traveling for work related reasons.

Okay so the love of my life did end up writing back about Matthew, and it was a nice email and so I am not so weirded out. Although I still don't know what to think of that girl. She stirs up such intense emotions, it's hard to just move on. But I am getting there, I think. Nothing has happened for so long and she doesn't even want to see me so I am just going to HAVE to get over her if I ever want a meaningful long term relationship with someone. And I know I could fall in love with someone else. Besides all that, I have a feeling she prefers men over women for long term committed type relationships. Depressing!

OMG! I have to run and take my morning meds!

Taken! I have to throw out my little celexa halves now. I've had such a low sex drive for months and months because of that stupid pill, and the first time I got off of it I got all depressed and fucked up again. BUT this time I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin and doing fine! :D Which is funny because I had a bad reaction to Wellbutrin the first time I went on it when I was 20 and had never been on any pharms before. Ugh!

I guess my tolerance to brain tinkering medication is better. More better, even!

Oh I don't know. I really do love that girl. But I mean, whatever, she's not into it, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I wouldn't even know where to find her in this damn city, and I am pretty sure she has a new phone number. All I have is email contact, it's ridiculous! I can't woo anybody over email, no matter how charming I try to be! And she doesn't want to be my friend on facebook, which is like, well I mean OBVIOUSLY she doesn't want me to be that close to her. Which means even if I did know where she was, it would be creepy of me to show up there with flowers and a violin. Assuming I could play said violin, which I can't. She'd probably break my violin that I can't play over my head, and throw flowers in my face, and maybe call the police as well! WTF????

So, well, see! I have to get over this girl! She's going to call the cops on me if I don't and cops aren't nice to Natives in this city!

Okay, I take it all back. I'm sorry. Probably if there was a woman who wasn't quite as strange as I she would consider them for a long term committed relationship if she were even single, which she usually isn't, for as long as I have known her.

I on the other hand have had a handful of short short short relationships, lasting months not years! And long expanses of singleness in between. I've liked being single actually, some people hate it, I used to hate it, but it's actually really comfortable and nice and makes you develop different support networks than if you are in a relationship. Still I feel like I've learned all I can from being single.

But I mean, who knows what the future has in store for me??? Maybe I am supposed to be single for the rest of my life?? Maybe I'm supposed to become some kind of video making hermit in some old house in like, Dalmeny!

Oh man, I am not doing the work I am supposed to be doing this afternoon, which is answering emails and making proposals and I should probably print off some loan applications too. Okay, no more dilly dallying talking about how I am in love with someone who doesn't want to be my facebook friend even. I should just limit romantic interests to people who are friendable.

Sundays are Recovery days, I don't know how anyone can make it to Church!

2011-01-30T22:39:00.002-06:00

I haven't been partying really hard very recently, but last night I went out armed with a bag of cinnomin hearts and a wallet with cash, and by the end of the night I had done several queer things, like sitting in the new gay bar watching my friends dance, and some beer and red bull and vodka, and then it was five in the morning at another friend's house! And we talked about oppression in the parking lot. Not as in "oppression which happens in parking lots" but just a conversation about general oppression and privilege while we sat in the parking lot.

I reminded me of my politicized youth getting drunk on gin and tonics looking for a cutie and somehow always spending money at fundraising events for political causes because if you want a serious girlfriend she had better have the same politics as you!
Gosh that was a long sentence! I'm sorry, I should be a better writer by now.

Actually I do have something serious I want to talk about. This blog. It's so much a part of me now, and I feel safe here because Blogger has never censored me. BUT this blog as a long term committed art practice has had various unintended consequences on me. Some relating to employability. It's actually an unintended consequence of my entire art practice. I talk about identity issues and health issues and that sends up red flags for those employers who are googling potential hires. They can easily discriminate against me based on those issues without ever being caught. And people are usually pretty quiet here when they read, so only my site meter gives me any indication of my traffic. I know when I was crazy there was one hit from the White House, which really fueled my paranoia for a while there, like OMG! It's all true we're being watched and George W. Bush is gonna kill me for writing Fit of Pique! When the reality is probably some lesbian intern was reading queer blogs on her coffee break or something equally innocuous. I get creeped out seeing military hits on my blog too, from various countries. Or the Unknown Country. There really is such a place! Swear to mofo gawd! I don't know who the Unknown Country is, I talked about it in one of my blogs. It is anyone who doesn't want to be seen or known. I'm actually really curious about the Unknown Country folk myself.

Anyway, the Unknown Country was visiting me A LOT in 2007 when I had my manic episode. I don't see it as often now, but it still pops up.

Sometimes I like to see visitors come back over and over. There was one from Weyburn I think who visited me for a year.

Weyburn!

When I was blogging from Vancouver I think my only reader there was Stephanie, and I would remember her isp and whenever I got a reader from Vancouver I would check and it was almost always Stephanie. Nobody cared for my hard luck Bad Manors blog! One potato and an infestation of mice, who cares? They ate all my popcorn!!!! How can you eat a meal when all you have is one potato?

Which brings me to my next point. When people say "Well why didn't you cut off your internet so you could buy a bag of groceries?" (actually no one has ever said this to me but if any CBC or Globe and Mail commentors find me one will ask) I say "Sometimes when you have to get someone to call the police and the walls are too thin and the incident is happening next to the pay phone, it's nice to be able to find an online friend in a different building in town to call for you!"

Anyway, this blog has both kept me sane and documented my insanity. I am not quitting. I think I am in far too deep to walk away now. I go through slow periods, but I always end up coming back. I am doing a self employment program right now, which will hopefully get me earning a decent living without having to worry about a big boss googling me.

But I do have to start reframing for myself my commitment to this blog and my intent of this blog.

So what did I want to prove by writing a blog for 7 years??? Longer if you count my previous secret online diaries, which were basically blogs for closed audiences. I wanted to document my life and emotions about my life. And I also talked about issues I cared about or maybe didn't care about. But mostly it was an experiment to write really honestly about my life like I would in a diary to my friends. Although my readers can't all be my friends, I'm sure. I don't know what happened. I wasn't planning to get rich by blogging. I wasn't planning on becoming a celebrity or anything. I just wanted a place to write really. I like that I can be published as soon as I finish writing and get feedback. Although this audience sometimes feels like one hand clapping, I haven't gotten comments very often for much of this blog. Maybe everyone is scared??? Maybe the Unknown Country is a silent country.

Actually I don't think the Unknown Country folks are silent at all. I secretly think they are all the anarchists and freaks and dissidents and warriors of some great change that is going to spread across the world. That's why I love the Unknown Country.

But also they could just be celebrities in Hollywood.

So yes I am going to write here, I just wanted to explain what is going on with my writing a pretty revealing blog for seven years. It's been an interesting experience. I am deciding that I can continue this experiment. I don't know if it will leave me destitute or if it will actually make me money one day, or fame, or that big movie contract or whatever. I have a feeling it will go one way or the other right now. It really has to do with what's going to happen in the next few years around the globe. Either being a fat disabled butch lesbian halfbreed will be acceptable or it will not be. Right now I have to say, people don't accept me for those reasons. Not YOU personally, well maybe you, but various mainstream deciding people. Those fucking THEMS!

I sure hope revolution is contagious.

WTF??? நாட் வ்ரிடிங் தேரே டுடே இ குஎச்ஸ்!

2011-01-28T16:59:00.000-06:00

I bought 24 cans of coke today! Well, Mum bought it, BUT OMG! I love coke! In fact I prefer it to drinking alcohol. It is just so yummy! I know it is doing evil things to my body, but Whatever.

I am still trying really hard to write everyday. It is difficult. And I just learned that it is wrong to put two spaces after a period. It's really hard to break the habit of a lifetime!

Aw hell, why am I writing here??? YOu know what I SHOULD be doing? While I wait for this mp4 file to compress I should be writing my new bio! It's due all over the place! And people are still using ones I wrote when I was a teen!!! :O

In a matter of weeks . . .

2011-01-27T16:38:00.000-06:00

I will be a CEO of a corporation.

Trippy! The sad part is I will still be scrounging for beer money. At least until my business gets off the ground. This afternoon I made a playlist about starting my business, but I think I forgot to put my favorite Tegan and Sarah track on it. I can fix that later.

Today we learned bookkeeping at school, and because I forgot my books at home (Tra la la off to school with no books or pens or pencils!) I wrote my notes in the back of my dayplanner for the year. Sooo, I have notes on debit and credit and little forms neatly filled out to refer to later when I also want to know when a bill is due.

I'm still in the long slow process of adjusting a medication. Now that Phase 1 of my program is finished I feel prepared to come off the Celexa entirely. But I haven't got the official go ahead from my psychiatrist, so I am waiting for the 2nd of February when I see her again to get my prescription changed. That will leave me just with Wellbutrin as my antidepressant, which makes me a little nervous. The good thing is for the last year I have been on Wellbutrin and know how it is affecting me and that I don't have side effects with it. So if I have to we can raise the dosage of that and crush my recurring depressions. Psychiatrists really like Wellbutrin for people with bipolar disorder because it's not supposed to kick one into mania.

Ugh, these petty 20-somethings I know keep trying to pull me into ridiculously immature drama, and I for one am tired of it! I hate drama, I have always hated drama, and when faced with someone who wants to inject my life with drama I usually just cut the cords and let that relationship/friendship float off into deep space to orbit around some other unfortunate. I have enough personal chaos in my life without dealing with someone else's shit. And suddenly and completely disengaging from someone is usually the best thing to do in those situations. I'm never going to be able to change the drama-shit-stirrers, so getting them out of my life is just easier. I don't care if I have enemies, as long as they aren't posting shit on my wall or things. Then there will be a fight.

But really, this 20-something drama maker likes to beat up his loved ones and relatives while drunk, and I am pretty tired of making excuses to leave his house when he gets to a certain point of rude black out-ness. Black out drunks give me a headache.

Not to say 30-somethings are any better about not talking shit about each other and stirring up drama, it's just usually by then there are codes of civility protecting people from passing it on for jollies. Oh man. Saskatoon is one small fucked up town! But I do love living here. Mostly just because then I can see my very aged grandparents and my sister with the short lifespan. They and my mother make up the essence of my family and I am terrified that in the next five years I could lose all three of them.

I'm excited about starting my own business!!! I really want to get everything in order so I can go to the bank and ask for a loan.

That's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!

Communications Stuff

2011-01-22T18:57:00.001-06:00

I am itching to get a cell phone. Specifically an iPhone. Partly because I am envious of all the apps you can get, and partly because it is compatible with my computer (a Macintosh), and partly because it shoots HD video. I really want to be able to record video at a moment's notice, especially for when cops are being brutal to people. I haven't personally witnessed police brutality . . . okay I lie. When the cops came to get me to take me to the hospital in Montreal they were totally over the top and brutal. I don't know what my friends told them that made them think they could behave that way, or if they just always throw nude crazy women on the floor and put them in handcuffs.

But that was before there was video capability on cell phones.

In the hospital they don't like you to have cell phones, which I think is kind of stupid. Because then you have to use the free phone that all the other patients use and sometimes it isn't good to have people calling the hospital phone, especially when people taking messages are not sane.

MOSTLY though I need a cell phone for my business line. I need a number to start giving out to people because they are asking for it, and I need something to put on my business cards. Plus it would just be nice to be able to make and receive calls wherever I go. Telus is most likely the company I am going to be going with, I checked out Virgin but the price is way more for less.

I don't know why I'm being so ridiculous that I want the damn phone today. It's not like anyone is going to call, except for maybe my longtime best friend Laurel. But she usually finds me on facebook first.

And on to my issues with Facebook. I am really seriously considering deactivating my account. I am just waiting for Diaspora to really start working. Ever since my profile got disabled in October, with no explanation despite emailing them, I have felt VERY done with Facebook. It used to be a handy tool, but losing three years of information has disenchanted me with the whole stupid site. I am going to miss being on pages and groups and having friends that invite me to events and so on, and seeing my friend's pictures. But I really want to have more control over my own information. I don't like having to be family friendly or whatever the hell they call it. I'd rather be able to openly express myself whereas on Facebook I now feel like I could get censored at any time, not to mention having others trying to censor me.

You know, I don't have issues with the fact that people and groups like Fred Phelps and Stormfront have online presences, because I remember when the tenet of the internet was free speech. But ever since the yahoos realized the internet was an interesting thing, there are all these politicians trying to crack down on it, especially in regards to free speech. I doubt this blog is accessible in certain countries, although I don't know which ones. And what really pisses me off about Facebook is how other people feel the need to report every single thing that offends them. And I have reported things, never sex things, but racist/homophobic stuff. And it makes me wonder if I should, I mean, like I said, I actually don't have issues with the God Hates Fags church having a page and Stormfront having a message board. Sooo, I would just like to leave facebook.

But not yet. I am preparing myself for it. When Diaspora comes online I can amalgamate my Flickr, Twitter, and Blogger accounts into an accessible profile/presence and have basically the same features that facebook gives me, that I like anyway.

Communications ISSUES!

OH! I never did say how my business plan presentation went. Well, the panel loved it, and someone asked for my business card, which I don't have because I don't have a cell number yet! Boo-urns! But the next presenter was told I would be a hard act to follow. It made me feel happy. I received really good feedback and I am excited to move into the start up phase! The next step is securing a loan. Well, and also: Become incorporated, buy a business license, get a cellphone, get a business bank account, um, lots more, thank god it is written down. I have to get some business professional support like a banker and lawyer and accountant and insurance agent etc. etc.

I have some work coming my way! I'm happy about that. In my presentation they told me I might have to train and hire another editor if I get too busy. Sooooo, I will probably hire another aboriginal person, because I think there are some specific programs that pay for their training and wages.

Well, time to go fry some steaks! I'm eating far too many cinnomin hearts!

Shake yer bum!

2011-01-19T23:46:00.000-06:00

Today was a whirlwind of last minute editing and typey-typing and smoothing out and I was all set to print at 9:30 this evening. I printed out all my financials and then I moved onto my business plan, and I was halfway through printing out my business plan when the paper ran out.

CRAPPY!

Luckily I don't have to have it all printed until tomorrow before supper, we are going to stop at Staples on the way home and photocopy it all into four neat little packages to give to the panel at my presentation Friday morning. I have to do a couple edits on a video tomorrow too and print it to tape to take with me and show them. I am nervous for my presentation, I have to get some good notes written. It's going to be 20 minutes with 10 minutes for questions. Considering I've done numerous artist talks that are longer than that, I think I am going to be okay. It's mostly getting every bit of information I have to present ordered and facts jotted down.

Next week I am shooting some video for AIDS Saskatoon as a volunteer gig and I also have a bookkeeping class to attend. But aside from that I am a mostly free agent after this week and am supposed to be securing financing and incorporating and getting my business license and so forth, all those little start up things. I have to register my domain name too. I am lucky in that the dot com is available for my company, woo hoo! I also have to try and get some quotes for my logo/website/business card design. Oh, and flyers. And I have to put together some more in my reel, maybe by editing completely new footage just to demonstrate some of my editing skillz.

I'm sooooooo tired! I will probably let myself sleep in for a couple hours tomorrow, I stayed up until 4am and got up at 8am yesterday, and even though I had eight hours of sleep since then it has still taken a lot out of me. My stomach has also been bothering me again lately, with puking sometimes, and I think it might be my gallbladder acting up, it was quiet for a few months! I really have to call my surgeon. I need it cut out of me! Take it away! And all it's stones!

I kind of hope they put them in a jar and let me see the evil huge stone which will never squeeze through my duct. I wanna see!

I'm excited about venturing into the business world. I'm sure it will bring a whole host of new issues into my life, but it's going to be so different from working for other people. I mean, I will work for my clients, but I won't have a boss. I'll be the boss! :D

I really want to go to Burning Man this year. The theme is Rites of Passage. I'm imagining some gay male hazing ritual (and aren't all hazings semi-homoerotic?) of some little naked newbie running by a line of leathermen who are all paddling his little butt as he runs. Or Parker Posey squirting ketchup on my naked nubile body.

But I have to save up for that, and since I can't earn any more than what CanSask gives me until the end of July, I am going to be strapped for cash. And even after that I am not sure how many clients I will have or if I will be making enough money. Hopefully by then I will have semi-regular business. My overhead is not very much, which is a major plus of running a home based business. For instance my rent is fifty bucks. Not my real rent for living here, which is 400, but my office rent.

Jeepers this business plan is FAT! Maybe I should photocopy it double sided.

Aw, lil' Mister is sleeping on the cushion next to me with his head on the floor. I found a picture of him in my email standing on four cans. It was what his breeder did when she was selling him to show how well trained he was. Of course I have never been able to get him to do it since. Once I said "Roll over" and he did! I was like "OMG! You know a trick!" But then he refused to ever do it again.

However sometimes he will shake his bum if I say "Shake yer bum!" and it is so freakin' cute! I'll say it over and over and he'll keep shaking it to make me laugh!

Tonight I saw my sister Sky. We cuddled, which is more like her mauling me, and she spouted gibberish non-stop. I like listening to all the words she makes up. Tonight she was saying something like "Tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd tidd."

She also says something that sounds an awful lot like "Yeah!" So maybe she is adding one more real word to her limited vocabulary.

No more paper! :( Tis a sad thing. Now I wish I had listened when Mum told me not to print that grant application due in April. I don't even need it right now. :(

Also next week I am going to have some more time to write my Mars Script, which has been gathering electronic dust on my computer. I need it done by April 1st for the Aboriginal Media Arts deadline. I've decided to apply in that category because I think I might have a better chance than in the regular media arts program, since only one jury member on those juries is aboriginal. And it is a specifically aboriginal work dealing with aboriginal issues, although since it is science fiction and talking about contemporary issues we deal with, a non-native jury might think it isn't at all relevant to my community when it is. Last time it was because I submitted a documentary clip (and a non-doc video) for my support material and for some reason they didn't think it had bearing on the project. Since when does one video have to do with the next? Do I have to pigeonhole myself? Such a drag. Also some people have said they might have issues with giving me a big budget because my history has been self funded low budget works and why don't I just stick with that?

In fact some people have told me to make the video anyway, but I don't want to rip off actors by not paying them and I don't want to not have a set, since they are in a space ship for the majority of the video. How can you make a science fiction space film with no spaceship? And I have to rent a studio to shoot in without outside noise, which is going to cost more money. So no, I am not shooting this tape in a closet with my finger puppets. And plus the whole point of making this video is to get more directing experience so that I can move forward on Bunnyhug, the feature film I wrote.

The good thing about incorporating my company is that I can also use it as a production company later on and be able to get some money from Telefilm, hopefully.

Thank god I am stabilized on my medication. I could hardly work when I was not stable. Having bipolar disorder is a bit like being on a seesaw with someone way bigger than me on the other end. Up in the air with feet dangling, then crashing down on my bum, over and over again. But right now that seesaw just feels like flat earth, calm and centered. I'm relieved.

Dr. Conacher is going to be taking me off of my Celexa completely because it is still negatively affecting my libido. Kinda sucks. I'm sure if the opportunity presented itself again I could go with it, but I wouldn't be the best initiator.

My make out friend won't make out with me anymore. It kinda sucks. I didn't even care about getting into her pants by the end of it, but I do like kissing, it's probably my favorite thing. Oh well. And then someone I hoped would be my new make out friend has had major health issues recently and is unavailable for making out. Soooo, well that sucks.

And bites.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life does not love me. It hurts, but I really should move on and allow myself to open up to new women who can actually deliver on what I want. I wrote to her about Matthew, and she never even wrote back with condolences or sympathy or anything. I thought it was pretty cold. So maybe part of that is a good thing in that I can see how she really is, which is not loving towards me at all, even as a friend. Even a one line email back would have been nice. I didn't expect some long lengthy debriefing on suicide's aftermath, just something like "I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I am sending you good vibes" or SOMETHING!

Apathy is even worse than outright hate. At least with hate you know there is some kind of passion. Negative yes, but at least it is SOMETHING!

It's been a weird few days because I have been so busy with school that I haven't had much time to think about Matthew, but he still drifts into my head at the most unusual times. I talked to my psychiatric nurse yesterday about him. She told me about a funeral she went to for a daycare worker and a lot of children attended and they told a story in the service. It went something like this. There were these waterbugs and every once in a while a waterbug would go up a blade of grass and disappear, and never come back. And all these waterbugs were worried about what happens up there and where their friends were going. So one waterbug said to the others "When I go up the blade of grass I will come back and tell you what happens." So one day it went up the blade of grass and became a dragonfly. But it realized it could not go back. It was a story to explain death to children.

So it makes me wonder where Matthew has gone, and what he has transformed into. I have a feeling where ever he is he is happy. I just wish he had stayed longer and been happy with us.

Little Mister and I have to go to bed!
Shake yer bum Little Mister!