Moving!

Hi, this blog has moved!  You can find me at www.thirzacuthand.com now, I imported this whole blog over there too, so you can peruse it there if you want.  Otherwise, I am keeping this around for a while, so don't worry about losing me just yet!  But yeah, new posts will be at my own domain!  Thanks for sticking around so long!  I hope to entertain you even more at my personal artist site!

White Tears

I got this really weird message today from a friend who told me some white guy accused me of being a bully and unfriended her because she agreed with me about something on facebook that happened in November!  He had said this First Nations veteran who brought a Mohawk Warrior flag to a Remembrance Ceremony was being disruptive and deserved to get arrested, and I had disagreed because that Veteran had brought that flag to Remembrance Day ceremonies before with no problems!  Anyway, I'm the big Native bully now.  White tears.

Whatever, that's not what this whole post is gonna be about at all, I just found it so remarkable that I needed to mention it.

I died in HabitRPG.  I died on Sunday and since then I got serious about it and have been working SUPER HARD at accomplishing my goals.  Most of them are basic things like Wake Up Early (11am counts as early for me, but I'm gonna push it back to 10am), floss, eat breakfast.  Some are chores like making supper and cleaning my room and doing laundry and stuff.  So today I cleaned the bathroom hoping I could get my sword back.  Oh yes, and I lost my sword when I died!  I have NOTHING!  Mom is totally happy about this making me do chores and stuff.  It does make the grim realities of life seem more enjoyable!  Like, I have flossed every day this week for the points. 

My transcript showed up today, so I scanned and uploaded it.  Also now I am able to see all of my marks.  There was one spring session and one fall session that were just horrible.  I actually failed a class, and I don't even remember taking it!  Like, did I even go to that class?  It's got me baffled!  I remember the instructor was just teaching us webpage building out of a book in the first session of it, and then the second, it's like a big blank in my head!  I remember I was having hardcore mental health problems in that semester.  It was really hard.  I got C's in almost all my classes except the one I got an F in.  But I also made a film that I won an award for, soooooo, whatever, grades are weird.

Anyway, if anything is gonna fuck me over, it's that semester.  The rest of my marks were mainly B's, B+, B-, B.  They told me in first year that A was for Art Student.  But that's not so helpful when you later want to go to Grad school.  B is for Busy Student. C is for Can't Deal. F is for Fuckkkkkkkk.

I'm doing pretty good otherwise, I hope I get notified if I got into Grad School in March, because then I can do my Canada Council Grant for the March 31 deadline. 

I went with my Mom to the Field House today and we walked the track.  We only did half an hour.  It was really nice, Mom says you only have to do half an hour of exercise three times a week, but I kind of liked when I would do an hour.  Anyway, I am just starting again, so I should ease myself into it anyway.

My Mars books showed up today.  I read the beginning of The Case For Mars by Robert Zubrin.  I'm gonna read more before I go to sleep.  I think I used to have that book, I left it at the apartment I was subletting in Montreal a long time ago.  Anyway, it has been updated.  And I also got Destination Mars by Rod Pyle. 

Grandma has rallied.  She is really tired, but she's stopped going super downhill.  I hope she's okay, but I will also understand when she passes.  It's a weird situation.  Aging and dying, or not dying.

Tattoo Part 1!

I got tattooed yesterday!  It's the cherry blossoms I have been wanting forever.  Here are some pics of them:

I have learned I can do about 2.5 hours of tattooing before reaching my pain threshold and needing to stop.  So that's how much work this was, plus one hour of drawing the branches on me and placing the blossoms, buds, and leaves.  There's a lot more colour to put in, including some blue on the outside.  I'm really happy with it so far.  In a month after this heals I am going back to get the rest!

I am getting this tattoo because cherry blossoms have a special significance in my life.  When I lived in Vancouver for nearly a decade I would get depressed every winter because of the gloomy grey skies and lack of sun.  Like, suicidally depressed.  And I always promised myself I wouldn't do anything drastic until I saw the cherry blossoms in spring.  And it worked, because by the time the cherry blossoms came out, the sun would be back and my mood would have lifted.  For a while I thought about getting magnolias on my arm, but even though those were nice too, it was really the cherry blossoms that I liked.  There were so many of them.

I feel super tattooed now that I have close to a half sleeve on my left arm.  I have more tattoos in mind.  I want to get Little Mister's paw pads tattooed on me somewhere.  Not sure where yet.  I might save my heart area for my future wife.  I'm also contemplating a tattoo for my grandma.  I'm torn between two mittens with a string on them or a cinnamon bun.  OR two mittens with a string HOLDING a cinnamon bun, which is what someone suggested.  It would be super cute!  But that's for the future.  And I want to put a thunderstorm with a thunderbird on the other side of my right arm with the dragon tattoo.  Because in Cree mythology, Thunderbirds and Snakes are enemies, and my dragon is very snakey.  So that conflict might make my arm make more sense in the Cree way.

Ha ha, Cree Way is the name of the rez gas station here in Saskatoon.  There are actually a few rez gas stations, there is also Firecreek and English River's station in Grasswood. 

OHHHHHH!  There is one other tattoo I've wanted for a while that is super funny.  I want an exploding cherry bomb on my ass cheek.  Like, a really cartoony one.  It's just something I have thought about for a long time that makes me smile.  I wouldn't be able to see it, but that's okay, my future lovers will have something to laugh about. 

It's Saturday night and I am at home!  Today Mom and I went to the matinee of American Hustle AND later we went to the Casino! I won 42 bucks! :D I was betting 20 lines at 2 cents a bet!  On Lucky Meerkats.  I was on a real streak, I got three of those little guys with the capes and two wilds so I won 20 bucks, and then I won 20 bucks on a bonus! :D

Happy happy!

I'm pretty alright otherwise.  I have no local crushes.  Only celebrities and old far away friends.  Oh, and I guess some standby crushes I've just carted around for so long that I have nearly forgotten about them.  I need to get to some major queer event that involves international homos.  And have a fling.  Or get a sexy penpal.  Or something.  OR find someone who wants to move to Canada.  Pshaw, there probably is someone cute in Canada I could date, if I really went out looking.

Old Habits Die Hard

My friend Becca posted about this site called HabitRPG.com.  It basically makes your life an RPG, with points earned and lost and you can buy armour and weapons with coins and it's all based in doing life tasks, which can be whatever you want.  I just signed up today, so far I have household chores, grooming habits, sleep habits, and work/creative work that I need to do.  Also there are habits, daily things, and a to do list, and they all give you different points depending on how hard and how often you do them.  It seems like a really good idea.  It's like Mary Poppins telling the kids to make cleaning a game. 

Today I did some work, saw my Grandma and Grandpa, and did some research on space stuff by watching a recent transmission from the ISS.  I'm really tired, I should go to bed. 

Little Mister is getting better everyday.  Tomorrow is his last dose of painkillers.  I hope that's all he needs.  He won't let me open his mouth to see his teeth, so I take quick looks when he yawns. They look good though, and he is starting to realize his teeth are better and don't hurt.

I'm still waiting for my transcript.  It's been a while.  I might have to ask them tomorrow to fax it to me.  Which means I have to find a fax machine I can use.  I really want to get this application finished, it's freaking me out!

I'm really really really tired!  I think I should go sleep.  I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.  I have to be there at 12:50pm.  I don't want to sleep in!

Perked up

This morning Little Mister was VERY SAD!  He was walking around crying, I gave him his painkiller and antibiotic and after about an hour he was much happier.  Later today he was wagging his tail and being generally happy.  His teeth look so nice, whiter, brighter, and he has really nice breath.  He had such stinky breath before his teeth got done!  It's amazing how different it is!

We got Grandma new clothes from The Bay.  Two sweaters and two pants.  She liked them.

When we were at the Bay I was standing by the MAC counter and ended up buying Ruby Woo.  It's kind of funny, because the last time I got lipstick was when I was fourteen, and it lasted ten years.  So I anticipate this one will last just as long, since I hardly wear it.

I don't really have good lips for lipstick.  My top lip is so thin.  I have Grandma's lips.  Maybe I should get injections.  No, never mind, that's not a good idea.

I'm waiting for my cheque to arrive, also I have started doing research for simulating weightlessness.  I originally wasn't gonna do weightlessness in my film, but if I can come up with a simple solution I might revisit it.  I was reading about how they did the weightlessness on Big Bang Theory.  They were supported from a platform below and also the actors mimicked microgravity.

Think think think.

Being strapped in also makes things easier.

Tiny Hermione insisted on sleeping with me tonight, we were trying to get her to go sleep with Mom, but instead she made a bed in my room until I let her come onto my bed.  Poor Mum, I hope she doesn't feel rejected.

I'm tired, I got up early to give Little Mister his medicine.  I should get to sleep so I can wake up and do it again tomorrow.  Also I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. 

I'm also waiting for my transcript to come from ECUAD.  I need to scan it and upload it to Ryerson to finish my application.  It's making me antsy.  Yikes!

Dentistry for Dogs

Little Mister went to the vet this morning, he got his teeth done.  They cleaned them and did a few extractions, one molar and some incisors which are the tiny front teeth.  I picked him up just after four, he was happy to see me, but when he got home he was mostly laying around with moist eyes like he was gonna burst into tears.  Poor little guy.  He's on soft food for the next couple of weeks, and he's got painkillers for the next three days and antibiotics for the next week, in addition to the last week of antibiotics.  He had a bandage from his IV fluids, I took it off tonight though because it was bugging him and he wasn't bleeding anymore anyway.  The vet tech showed me his little teeth in a steel bowl, poor guy.  They said one just fell out because it was so bad.

I wish I had gotten his teeth done sooner, but I had to wait until I had money.  Sucks.

He was so groggy when we picked him up that I cancelled his grooming appointment until next week.  He also has another appointment to see the vet next week to check on how his gums are doing.

I hope he recovers soon.  They say dental work in senior dogs can really perk them up in the end.  Apparently it slows them down when they have that bacteria going around their bloodstream. 

He was such a sad guy before though, he was having trouble eating because his teeth hurt him.  Poor little guy! 

I'm glad he's going to be able to enjoy life again.  I'm going to start brushing his teeth when he's healed up.  Hopefully he'll be able to eat hard food again.  Especially since my guilt over his bad teeth has lead me to buy him canned dog food that costs four bucks a can!  He's getting some super gourmet shit! 

He got soft cheese for his snack tonight, I usually give him a cookie, but I thought he would appreciate something softer. 

In other news, I can't talk too much about what is going on with my Grandma, but it looks like there will be a death in the family in the not too distant future.  I am spending more time with her, and we are trying to make sure she is comfortable.  She's happy now that she knows we aren't letting her get any more tests.  The doctors want to do this really invasive test on her, but we found out another elderly person died of shock getting that test, so we have not consented for her to get it.  I can't really say much else, because I am keeping this business of dying to myself and her close family members.  But I am hoping she has a very peaceful end.  If she goes in her sleep that would be the best. She's gotten so old and frail, and she is not having a very good quality of life.  So as hard as it is to say goodbye to my Grandma, I also am feeling better that she will finally pass away in the not too distant future.  I think it really hasn't hit me yet, and I will probably be extremely sad when she does die.  Grief is a weird thing.  I might write more about it in another post, this one was mostly about Mister's teeth, but I feel like I should be sort of open about what is going on in my life.

New Years Eve!

It's gonna be a new year soon!  I am having a Not Very Exciting New Year's Eve.  I think I'm gonna finish my laundry, wash my bedroom floor, ummmmmm.  We're setting off fireworks at 7:30, then I am driving my friends to their event at 8 or 9.  Back home we're gonna play board games and have the fireplace on.  Nice and cozy.

I've had a good year.  It had ups and downs, but it ended on a good note, getting my grant.

Ha ha, I got bored writing and just buggered off.  Guess I will finish now.

It's a little over half an hour to midnight.  We set off fireworks and some bitchy neighbour threatened to call the cops, and we were like "Go ahead."  Cause legally you are allowed to set them off on private property in the city limits on New Years Eve, Victoria Day, Canada Day, and Labour Day.  They were good fireworks but she was kind of a downer. 

I finished cleaning my room and washing the floor, and I did my laundry.  I have all clean clothes and clean sheets and stuff.  I dyed my hair again to refresh my pink.  We had a lackluster supper of chicken strips and french fries, because there is a four year old with a limited palate staying with us.  Everything you say to him about food he says "Yuck!"  He eats very little besides a few things.  And he's super screamy.  Not even screamy, shrieky!  And squeally!  If something goes the slightest bit awry he starts squealling and complaining.

Little Mister has anxiety because this kid is staying with us.  He's been following me around all day, getting under foot and always asking me to lift him up so he can snooze next to me.  He's very sweet, but I feel badly that he doesn't feel safe enough to just lay on his cushion in the kitchen, which is his favorite bed.  I guess it's for the best.  Poor dude.  Maybe when the kid gets older and more mature Little Mister will be able to just relax.  Even now, the kid is asleep downstairs, and Little Mister is next to me in my chair.

Yesterday was awful.  I forgot to pick up my medications the day before from the pharmacy, so I was ALL OUT of meds.  I couldn't sleep.  It was horrible.  I tossed and turned until 5:30am and then I gave up and got up and puttered around.  I stayed awake until midnight last night.  I got my meds so I am fine now, but sleep deprivation made me have a really short fuse.  And the kid was just talking the whole time, blah blah blah blah blah.  I didn't yell at him but I got really frustrated, then my friend invited me out for dinner and a movie, so we went out.

The movie was the highly anticipated Blue Is The Warmest Colour.  It was three hours long.  The sex scenes made us laugh and my friend said "Shamay!" because they went on "fucking" for ten minutes and it was totally ridiculous.  Shamay is Saulteaux for "getting worse!"  The protagonist was completely unlikeable, played with her hair all the time, had terrible hair besides which needed a hairbrushing, ate with her mouth open, slept with her mouth open, and there was some weird motif of spaghetti dinners.  The only good part (spoiler) was when she finally got dumped by the lesbian, because she was so unlikeable and was a closeted cowardly whiney weasel.  I was like "GOOD! DUMP THAT BITCH!"  And then the movie kept going!  OH!  And there were these pretentious moments where characters talked to each other about ideas, like philosophy, and it was such a pile of crap.  And the lesbian was an artist and she painted and representations of artists are often bullshit, which it was.  Like when she talked about her paintings she talked about really surface stuff, like colour and lines, and I find artists usually talk about ideas and politics involved in their work.  SO it was just an awful movie all around.  Two thumbs way way down!

I'm done ranting now. 

I was a cabbie for about an hour.  Most of it I was waiting at my friend's house for her and our other friend to get ready.  Then we started going to their destination, when my friend couldn't find her id.  We went to a gas station to see if she left it there, then we had to go to her house so she could get her spare id.  Finally I dropped them off and came home, but on the way Mom called (I didn't answer because I was driving) because she was wondering if I had decided to go out after all.

Anyway, that's what's been up.  I should go get my laundry.  Happy New Year all my beautiful blog readers!  I will keep writing!

Little Mister is too gender normative

I'm in a good mood.  I went to the book store today looking for books about Mars Exploration, but there wasn't ANYTHING!  Just something about robotic missions to Mars, which isn't what I want to learn about at all!  So I went on Amazon and ordered a couple books that have more relevance.

I spent tonight doing laundry (really grubby sheets!) and collecting four transcripts into one email that I sent off to one of my distributors.  I had a really hard time finding the transcript for Sight, because I wrote it on a totally different computer (my mother's) AND at the time it was named something completely different, Blindness.  I like Sight better.  Anyway, I finally have it, renamed and edited to what the narrative actually says in the video.

I'm glad my sheets are clean.

I am getting a little bit of a cold.  My throat has had a tickle all day.  This morning I sounded awful, like a croaky frog.

My Grandma was in the hospital over Christmas.  It was really awkward, because some of us (including myself) thought this was it!  The end!  She was gonna die and we would all be sad.  It was getting hard going to the hospital all the time to see her, it takes a lot out of you.  But she got discharged today.  My Grandpa was super lonely while she was gone, so he's pretty glad she is home.  I didn't want to tell people "My Grandma is dying!"  But I did say that to one friend, she said she would keep her in her prayers, so today when Grandma got released I told her her prayers must have worked!

I know my Grandparents won't be around forever though.  They are well into their nineties.

My throat!!!!  Ugh I hate being sick!  What has me freaking out is yesterday they moved Grandma to a different room in the hospital, and it turns out someone in that room (there were four beds) was under quarantine.  SO why the fuck was he in a room with other people?  Someone raised a fuss and got him moved to a private room, but now I am paranoid that I caught something or Grandma caught something.  Quarantine is serious!  Why the hell was he in a room with three other people AND their visitors?

I'm now in my bed, with my warm clean sheets and my content sleeping pup.  Just before Mum went to bed she told me that they found a baby bear, who seems to have been away from his mom for two months!  And he was really skinny, and they found him in a chicken coop, but he didn't hurt any of the chickens!  They gave him oatmeal with honey, because milk is too rich for his poor starved little tummy.

BEARS!  I love bears.  I have this thing where if I hear about animal abuse I feel really small and upset and have to hug my dog, so sometimes I read about bear bile farms and it's super upsetting!  I try to avoid reading about animal abuse.  I really hate when people post shit about it on facebook with pictures because it is SUPER triggering for me, and there's no way to avoid it except for hiding it.  But when something is in your head you can't get it out.

I'm way too sensitive to be living in a world like this.  I can't even bring myself to watch Blackfish.  I can't even believe I read Where The Red Fern Grows when I was a kid!  That is a SUPER UPSETTING BOOK!  Right up there with Old Yeller.  Sometimes I can't even watch the news.

Oh yeah, anyway, I went to the bookstore today.  I couldn't find my Mars books, so I got Writing the Science Fiction Film, Gentrification of the Mind, and Best Lesbian Erotica 2013.  I read some of the Gentrification book, which is super good, but now I'm in bed which means I am switching to my sexy thoughts time so I think I will read Best Lesbian Erotica 2013.  Maybe I should charge my vibrator as well.

I love bringing new books home.  There is this moment where you want to dive into them, they are like new worlds floating around in between pages.  I have lots of books I haven't read yet actually, and I should.

Best Lesbian Erotica!  I haven't gotten one of these since 1996!  Holy crap!  That is also the year I graduated high school.  Lezzzzzbians!  I hope this book is good.

So many things to do in the next while.  I'm glad tomorrow is a Regular Day and not a freakin' Sunday or a Holiday!  So tired of holiday hours!  I need to get Little Mister in for a shave too, he's super shaggy!  And he's got long fur in front of his penis that keeps getting peed on, and then he has a little weird dog pee smell to him.  Poor Little Mister!  He got a bath, but that only does so much.  And his nails are clickety clacking all on the floor.  I read an article yesterday about how certain dog breeds need regular grooming, and that at minimum they should be groomed twice a year, because this groomer sometimes sees dogs that only get groomed ONCE a year and they get super matted and have awful painful nails and it is really awful.  I can't imagine someone letting their pet get so far gone.  Little Mister gets groomed about four times a year.  Every season he needs a tune up, shave, nails clipped, bathed, he looks cute!  And they put a bandana on him.

What I really want to know though is this, where does dog bandana cloth come from????  Cause it's really obviously made just for dog bandanas, it will like, have little bones on it, or dogs waving Canadian flags if it's around Canada Day, or like, Christmas or Halloween related dog themes.  Like a dog popping out of a pumpkin or something.  Once he got a flamey bandana, he looked very smart!  But really, there's a whole market for printed cloth for dog bandanas.

Little Mister is too gender normative, I want to find Dog Nailpolish and do his nails when he comes home from the groomers.  I think a pink or a red would look cute!

Finally Funded!

I've been so busy with holiday stuff that I haven't had a chance to write.  So here goes!

On Christmas Eve the mail person came by and dropped off some mail.  I got an envelope from Sask Arts Board, which made me instantly anxious because it seemed so small, and I was anticipating a rejection.  And it was almost Christmas, and I didn't want bad news on Christmas, but I opened it and read "We are pleased . . . " and I was like "Woooo!"  They didn't give me the full amount I requested, but it's still 13,000 towards my Mars webseries.  So I'm sure I can do something with that.  I'm basically not able to pay myself much.  I've been thinking about how I can make up the full amount and I am considering turning to crowdfunding.  I've got a lot of research I have to do in the next month, like researching the best way of presenting a webseries, and how to run a good crowdfunding campaign.  Basically I have to go to the library.  I also have to research Soviet cosmonauts and space technology, space travel, Mars, and various other things.  I'm gonna download some transmissions from space and listen to the lingo and stuff.  Each webisode is presented as a transmission from this ship.  It's pretty exciting!

So Christmas Eve I was trying to sleep but my head was buzzing with all the things I am gonna have to do in the coming months, and also things I can finally pay off now that I am getting some cash.  SOME of it I can just use as living, so I'm gonna get Little Mister's teeth done and finish paying off the car accident I was in, and I owe Mum 202.00 so I have to pay her that. AND I am gonna get an artist website, so I have to do that.  February I will get some artist fee money too, I am hoping I get a decent cheque.  I might get my tattoo, I've been wanting it for a long time.

What else?  I haven't gotten my unofficial transcript from ECUAD yet, I think the university is closed for the holidays anyway, so I am going to get in touch with them in January.  That's the last thing on my end that I need for my application to Ryerson. 

No ladies on the horizon.  I'm going out to Divas on New Years Eve I think, maybe.  There could be cuties there.  I'm dressing up a bit more when I go out, so I hope I look more presentable.

Little Mister needs a shave!  And I need to be sheared too, I'm looking mighty shaggy! 

I'm mostly relieved that I have finally been able to fund my project.  It's been bouncing around for years, trying to get the damn thing funded.  It has also changed over time, from a longish short video to now a webseries.  There was a time I was thinking of making it a tv show, but no one is gonna take me seriously for that yet.  I think it becoming a webseries is a good move, it's a longer story but spread out over a series of shorts.  I tried to get it funded through the Canada Council, but got rejected twice.  So oh well.  Thank god my provincial funding body came through!  This was the first time I applied to SAB with this project. 

I've got a lot of work to do!  2014 is going to be exciting!  And in the fall, the series will start going online.  And I will finally be able to see this thing to fruition!  I first performed my Mars story around 2001, so it has been a LONG time coming!  I'm gonna be able to work with actors, so this will be fun.  I have to look at my budget and see what I can do. 

This is my work schedule for the next year:

February 1, 2014 – April 30, 2014 – Research and Scriptwriting

May 1, 2014 – May 31, 2014 – Set building, casting, and rehearsal

June 1, 2014 – June 15, 2014 – Shooting

June 15, 2014 – August 10, 2014, Post production (editing and sound mix)

August 11, 2014 – Pick up shots (“training” at the Exhibition).

August 12, 2014 – September 1, 2014, end of Post production.

September 1, 2014 – November 15, 2014 – Weekly dissemination of each episode via Vimeo and publicized on social media such as Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

I think I'm gonna start research and scriptwriting in January though, I feel like it could benefit from another month of work, especially since I have already found out I have the grant.  I have the outline for ten episodes.  It's just a matter of jumping off from there.

I've decided to make beaded jumpsuits too.  Which will also take a lot of work.  I might pay for that with crowdfunded money, if this thing works.

I'm really buzzing but I know I should go to sleep and it's late and aaaaaahhhhhhh!  I have over ten thousand dollars to make videos!  In the Industry that's not a lot, but to me it is pretty mega.  I have made short videos super cheaply before.  Like, with a hundred bucks.  Which is a SUPER micro budget.

I have other projects brewing in my brain, but I hope this opens some more doors for me and gets me noticed.  And it's also a really good experience to learn how to direct actors.

So in short, it has been a good Christmas, even though today was mostly being busy with my family obligations.  I am hoping to have some relaxing times with my friends in the next while, until after New Years.  Maybe some sledding, some drives, coffee, shirley temples in the bar.  I think my Nortryptiline is kicking in so maybe I can get some sleep now.  I'm excited about the future, it's a good feeling~!

Give Up!

Okay so first off I will say this is a total Too Much Information post about jerking off so if you are a relative or don't want to know, stop reading!

I gave myself this great orgasm yesterday, but today it was terrible!  Four toys and porn and my battery died and I didn't come.  Sad!  All that work for nothing.

I've got this new dildo and it's kind of funny.  Because it's really thick.  So when I'm trying to get it in it's kind of intense.  First it's like "Never gonna fit!  It won't get in at all!" And then suddenly it's in and it's all like "Don't move!  I gotta adjust to this!"  And then it's really quite fun.  With a vibrator on my clit I don't even need to do the in and out motion, it can just fill me up and sit there and get me off.  But like I said, my battery died this morning so it didn't work out. 

There's this funny point when you are giving up on masturbating to orgasm, like first maybe I will try a few other things, and then I just start accepting that nothing is happening right now.  Maybe my sexual fantasies are just drifting off to thinking about groceries I have to buy or what my friend said yesterday or some other Non Sexy thing.  And then it gets to me with a dildo up my cunt thinking "This is stupid, and I should give up."  So maybe then I will get my laptop and look for porn.  I don't know what porn I want to look at anymore.  I saw a bunch of stuff and I was like "Fuck!  This isn't sexy!  It's not working!" And then my dog will walk into the room and start crying and staring at me because he wants attention and is all alone in the house and you can't get off with a crying sad dog in the room!  I mean, maybe YOU can, but I can't!  Fuckit!  I've got a pile of toys on my bed and none of them worked!

At least I got to play with a happy dog in the end though.  Happy because I finally gave up jerking off. 

Isn't that the pits though?  When domestic animals interrupt play time?  I remember when I had my cat Schrodinger and one time I had my head over the edge of the bed while I was jerking off because I was looking at a porno and then Schrodes just walked up to me and STARED!  And then he started sniffing my nose.  Boner killer!

Tonight I am gonna try nipple clamps for the first time.  I'm not sure it will work.  My nipples are kind of weird, they are inverted so they pull into themselves, and it's impossible to coax them out.  I might just watch my nipple hide and the clamp fall off.  I got these things a long time ago and haven't tried them until now!  I will report back!

I need to find good porn.  Porn with hot queers, diverse queers, POC and fat and some trans and some cis and all kinds of things!  I'm sick of looking at white girls taking on two dicks.  The One White Girl Two Dick era of my porn interests has ended.  And I don't want to look at made for men lesbian porn because it's too fake.  I might actually pay for porn because I know of some good queer stuff that is out there, but you have to pay.  I mean, sure, why not?  They should be compensated. 

I'm not really a porn enthusiast.  I'd rather read an erotic story and have something to imagine.  I'm super into imagination. 

Thirzday

I got my leisurecard but I haven't used it yet.  Mom qualifies for a free leisurecard too so she is applying for one and then we are gonna work out together!

I had a dream about rattlesnakes last night, and handling rattlesnakes, and that there were all these snakes in the backyard and most were good but some had rattles.  Also that my friend Laurel and I went to Berlin and she was driving and we nearly drove into this weird flooded area that had brown water and all these people stuck in it and I got her to turn the wheel to head down a different street. 

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It will be basic, I might get blood tests to check for various things. 

I for some reason thought tomorrow was friday, but it isn't.  I mean, I guess it is because I'm writing this after midnight so technically it is already Thursday.

Boring.  I really have nothing of note to report.  No new crushes, nothing.  No money.  I get paid tomorrow from SAID, which is good.  We're gonna go to the Casino with my twenty bucks and ten free slot play bucks.  Try and win something.  Watch entertaining animated animals bounce around anyway.

I'm coming up to my first year anniversary of quitting smoking.  I've never gone this long, so it's pretty special.  I'm trying to hang on to my smobriety, which is hard because when I smell it it still smells good.  I'll be okay, I keep reading motivational stories, it helps.

I'm thinking of going to concurrent disorders this friday for a check in.  I think I will just go to the education part.  Who knows. 

God I am tired of being single.  BUT that doesn't mean I'm desperate or that I am gonna pick just anybody to be my Next Girlfriend.  Because I still want to fall in love and I don't want to fall into some bullshit where I'm annoyed half the time and all my friends hate her!  And I think I am gonna quit having sex right off the bat, because I am one of those people who gets all emotionally attached when sex happens and it blinds me to faults the woman has that are going to keep us from actually having a good relationship.  Or to the fact that maybe the sex really is just gonna be casual and that they don't really like me that much.  Because that sucks too! 

In fact, I think I am just gonna swear off having a girlfriend until I move away from this suckass town!  Cause otherwise that bullshit's gonna happen where I decide to stay for her and then she dumps my ass anyway and then I missed my chance to leave. 

BLAH!

Little Mister and I are fine with just each other. 

Bus Rides to Nowhere

Over the last few years I've become a recreational bus rider.  As in one of those people who gets on the bus and doesn't get off until it comes back to the stop where I got on originally.  There are a few of us and we can all recognize each other.  Some talk to the bus driver the whole time.  Some don't.  I am not a chatty rider.  I like listening to my tunes and looking out the window.  It's better to do it in the day when things are well lit by the sun.  I think about things and sometimes I look at facebook on my phone.  More rarely I will look at my tumblr, but I often don't because my dashboard has sprinklings of explicit pornography on it.

I make playlists on my phone for songs I listen to while riding the bus.  Usually they are based on whatever I have been thinking about a lot at the time.  Like if I am thinking of making romantic gestures towards someone, I will fill my playlist with love songs.  But I'm a pessimist so I also throw on depressing rejected by love songs on it just in case I have to be depressed on the way home from doing something.

I can ride the bus for an hour.  Then I usually have to go to the bathroom, so I rarely go on bus loops that take more than an hour.  It's getting boring though, the route usually stays the same, except for minor deviations when like, a water main is being fixed and we have to go around the block. 

I used to worry that the bus driver would be all "Why are you staying on this bus???"  But none of them ever have. 

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I made a Sigil today, I'm not sure I did it right, but it shouldn't hurt.  I had a really hard time deciding what I was going to do it on, becoming wealthy or getting love.  I ended up going for the whole Lurve thing.  Since I can always do a Sigil for wealth later.  The directions I read were to burn it after charging it and forget about it.  I've read elsewhere that you should keep it around until it works.  I burnt it, I guess we'll discover if that is the right thing to do or not soonish.  Tomorrow night I am going out to the gay bar to try and meet women, not sure if that is a good place, but it's better than staying home.

It could take a while.  They say they always work.  I guess we will see.

I am seeing my optometrist next week and getting new glasses.  Apparently I haven't seen him in four years, which is a long damn time!  I am also seeing my GP, to get blood tests and ask about those dizzy spells which ended anyway, AND to get a referral to a gynecologist to talk to them about getting an ablation.  I am really tired of bleeding so much.  And I want to avoid having a hysterectomy.  I should do some research.  I don't want birth control though because it makes me not horny, and I hate that.

The new med I am on can reduce horniness.  It's so funny that I have ended up monitoring my libido.  Like, if it goes up or down.  Life sort of loses it's spark when it is down.  I like having erotic daydreams skipping through my mind at some point in the day.  And just having the general drive to get it on with somebody.

My crushes aren't doing anything at the moment, so I need a new crush.  I hate this town!  I feel like I'd already have a crush if I had moved to Toronto in September.  There just really aren't a lot of people here that I click with.

I am going back to the gym.  I need to get my leisure pass, I tried to get the green form from the bus people when I renewed my cheapo subsidized bus pass, but they just printed out this bullshit receipt that didn't even say Saskatoon Transit on it!  I am going back tomorrow to shake my old man fist and demand my green form, because the leisure centres won't give me my pass unless I have it.  And I need it, because I'm getting puffed out when I move around too much and it's not good.  I don't care if I stay fat, because I like my curves, but I'd prefer some stamina for future fucking. 

Little Mister is doing good.  He trapped a mouse in the vacuum cleaner hose and Mom turned it on to prove there was no mouse and sucked it up and then we ran it out to a farm just by the city and let it go.  It seemed fine.  Mom was glad we didn't have to kill the mouse.  She had named him Stuart.

I should go to bed!  I have things to do tomorrow and I've been up all night cruising down my tumblr dash.  Little Mister is already snoozing!  I love him!