Sore tummy, too much coffee!

God do I ever need a haircut, I'm getting a mullet and I don't like it. Someone once told me to embrace the mullet as a symbol of being lower class, but I never hung around with mullet wearers and I was raised X class.

X Class is what bell hooks calls people who work with art and so on and are cultured but don't necessarily have much money. At least, that's what I remember from my teen years as an avid reader of bell hooks.

I'm still poor today, no cheques have come in the mail. My mum is taking me out for tom yum soup today, which I'm looking forward to.

I just spent two hours looking at people's shitty tattoos on Facebook. They were pretty funny. Some of them were executed well but unfortunate nonetheless. And I saw a lot of misspelled kanji. Based on what I've heard about kanji tattoos, people really shouldn't get them unless they can read it. The meanings can be VERY different from what you expect.

The temping thing is not paying off right now, I've had no work all week and it looks dubious for the future. So I'm looking for work AGAIN. There's a dishwashing job at the university which would pay me a little under $1500 a month, which is a far better wage than the call centre. And it would be steady work. I'm determined not to go to the call centre again, I don't want to still be working in them when I'm fifty, and there are a lot of fifty year old callers! Anyway, something will come up. I don't want a career, I just want something that can pay the bills. Although I still think I should be getting editing jobs and I'm not.

Le sigh.. Oh well, maybe when I'm forty I'll have a masters degree and teach somewhere like the rest of my family.

But I really just want to be a full time artist.

I have to write a script for my Mars Recruitment Video. I could be doing that. I could be editing my film. But instead I looked at Lesbian Hair for a while. Lesbians do have cool hair. But it's very difficult to get a proper boy's cut in a salon, because hairdressers are always trying to make sure people gender conform. Well, I'm sure some of them have an awareness of gender non-conformity, but not many and definitely not in Saskatoon. You have no idea how hard it can be to get them to use the number two shaver.

The trials and tribulations of being a butch.

Butches can have a very hard time finding employment simply because of the way we present our gender. It's a rotten deal. There should be employment equity for butches! It should be on employment equity forms, are you butch? Do you have butch hair?

I dunno, But being upset about the lack of jobs for butch women isn't going to get me a job either. Unless I could start up a non-profit dedicated to butch visibility. But I think Harper would cut the funding on that.

psychiatrist appointment

My appointment went well, nothing major to report. I got a number for a local bipolar/unipolar support group, and I'm getting my blood tested tomorrow for cholesterol, blood sugar, and epival levels. She also thinks I would do well with light therapy, so I'm being referred to a group that does light therapy and lends it's lights out so people can see if they work.

Anyway, that about sums it all up. I was happy to touch base with my shrink again and make sure I'm okay.

Money, that's what I want

I had $675 in my hot sweaty little hands and it vanished onto my mum's credit card to pay for my flight to Toronto. Lucky for me I have a thousand dollar travel grant coming to me to help pay most of the cost of my little jaunt to the imagineNATIVE film festie. I am World Premiering You Are A Lesbian Vampire there, and I am also showing Madness In Four Actions there. I'm pretty stoked, plus my best friend/ex girlfriend Margaret Flood might come up from Guelph to see me!

Anyway, when I do get my travel grant, most of that money is actually now rent money. dammit!

I am also waiting for a cheque from the National Gallery, they said it would come in October, which is a little vague, but at least that means my income hasn't dried up totally yet.

Ah, the grant was so lovely. I will hopefully get another grant in January for my MARS recruitment video.

Anyway, enough about my money, or current lack thereof.

I'm listening to a lot of Tegan and Sara these days, it's awesome to support queer canadian artists. Here's one of their songs I really like.



I do love living in Canada, for a lot of reasons. Even though we currently (and hopefully not for much longer) have a Conservative government, we do have socialized medicine, same sex marriage, and good bacon. Yay for streaky bacon! It's what I missed most about Canada, Scottish bacon is kinda weird, and not smoked!

My friends Carrie and Shavonne had bacon mints and even bacon flavoured rolling papers with little pigs everywhere. Bacon everywhere! Once a lover asked me in the middle of the night if I ate bacon, and she was at the time a hard core vegan. I thought she was going to kick me out of bed!

OH MAN< OFF TO SEE THE PSYCHIATRIST! I'll let you know how my first appointment in ages goes!

Pain!

Last night at midnight a horrible sharp ache stabbed me in the right side and refused to go away. Worried my appendix had burst or some other thing ruptured, I called the Healthline and asked a registered nurse what to do. She told me to go to the hospital. And of course I had no money and no car, so I caled my mum to take me but it was 2:30 in the morning. So I had to get an ambulance, ugh. But they took good care of me.

It was weird to see them write "psych" for previous health problems. It's true, but I was worried they would just think I was bipolar and making up some health problem.

Anyway, they thought it was indigestion or a stomach bug, because I was also throwing up from the pain and had diarreah. Ugh! It was awful!

It was five in the morning when I was done with the doctor, which didn't actually take that long. The hospital paid for my cab home, which was nice.

I was so exhausted I came home and crashed for ages. I still don't really know what that pain was.

Vancouver was fun, though I only got to actually see one friend. Oh well, I was only there for three days, not even, two really.

I'm done writing my grant! Now I just have to wait for my mum to come pick me up so I can buy five blank videotapes. I have to get my support material together, and it's going to take me too long to get it together to burn 5 dvds. Tomorrow I'm off to Vancouver for an interview with Storytellers In Motion. I'm pretty stoked about it. I haven't been to Vancouver in two years, not that I will be there for very long. I'm back home on Wednesday night.

I really hope I get this grant. I am just going from grant to grant these days, which I guess is the life of an artist. But I won't be able to apply for another Canada Council grant until I am done this video. I'm excited about this grant though, it really seems like it would be fun to work on. Well, all my videos are fun to work on. It's just something I like doing.

I think I will still always make short videos without grants though, as long as I have access to the equipment. It's good for me to be able to make something without relying on the green light. It means I can experiment with ideas.

I'm excited about going to Vancouver. I also applied for a travel grant to go to Toronto, but I haven't heard back about it yet. I imagine by the time I get back from Vancouver I will know.

I have to remember to bring photos of myself as a child to this thing. Right.

It's kind of funny that most of my videos are still in analogue form. I should really update. My goal is to make a complete DVD of all my works. At 14 videos over a period of 13 years, it's kind of a lot to handle.

This Damnable Blog!

I am working on my next grant. And I still have grant writer's block. What the hell. It think I wrote ONE new paragraph this afternoon thus far. And I have at least two more pages to go. Fuck! I sometimes hate writing. Someone once said (and I paraphrase) writing is sitting down to a pad of paper and concentrating until blood pours out of your forehead, and it's true!!! It's brutal sometimes. So why am I writing in this blog for fun? I don't know. Maybe because this is where I can be silly and write whatever I want. Whereas a grant, I have to be very clear and specific about what I intend to do with the money.

Today I had to pick up tapes, and it took forever. I didn't get together with Mum until about 4:20 (ha ha I know) and then it took us ages to get over the bridge because of an accident. I'm not kidding, it took half an hour to get over the brudge. But we made it to Media Group five minutes before closing so I could get my tapes. And I was close to giving up, in tears!

But I got my tapes!

Now I just have to sort myself out more.

I've made fourteen videos now and the battered compilation tape I had has gotten legs and walked off. So getting my whole collection together is kind of a pain in the ass. I should be better organized, but some of my stuff has been in storage and it's moved around a lot too.

I AM getting organized though, and that must surely count for something!

My mom used to tell me to talk to my mental health professionals about being messy and disorganized, so I did and they told me some people are just messy.

See! I told you mom!

Anyway, I have to burn 5 DVD's of two videos this weekend, and I have to finish writing my grant, and I have to do laundry, and I have to clean my apartment. And yet tonight I am going out to an opening. And still oddly enough, I am still pecking at this damnable blog!

Swimming in footage

I'm listening to this song these days:



I'm absolutely swimming in video footage. I don't know where to start! It's crazy, absolutely crazy. I ordinarily love editing, but yeah, it's pretty common for me to sit down and feel lost. It's such a crazy process, making videos and films. What I should really be doing is making more sequences with the various pieces that I will eventually put together.

I finally got it together to put the rhino video on my facebook. So there it is! I will eventually put it on Youtube I hope.

I am crazy. I've realized I talk to myself an awful lot, not so much in public, but I just mutter to myself throughout the day. Is that normal? I don't know.

My quitting smoking is still going well. I'm starting to not think about it at all! It's definitely an improvement. I'm about to go off Step 2 for Step 3. And then I'm done! So exciting!

Hey, this is my video!

Adjustments?

My psychiatrist had some kind of skiing accident and has been away for a long time. I've been back to my g.p., but lately I've been wondering if I'm fine. I think I need to make new adjustments to my meds, but I'm not sure if that's true. And now I've realized I've just gotten so used to checking in with a doctor about my condition that I have no idea how I really am. I think I've been doing well, but it's hard to get up in the morning early. And that worries me. Plus I've commonly had fall depressions, and I think subconsciously I'm worried about that coming up again.

Good thing I have an appointment with her soon.

I guess I do have mild depression. I'd like to shake it off, but I really think it's related to needing more work and not being able to do mornings for some reason. And the end of the big grant. It lasted a long time, through many adventures. And I miss Scotland still.

Oddly enough I am really liking being single right now. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I guess I like my own company when I am alone. It's comforting. And I've spent so much of my twenties doing things on my own that it's just fine.

Anyway, I am trying to check in on myself and see if I am really okay or if I am slipping into anything like mania or depression.

Well, I'm not overly happy, that's for sure. So mania must be out.

That leaves depression. aw crap. Okay, or middle ground, which would be the best.

Well it was the anniversary of a friend's suicide this past month, that was sad.

But I did come home from Scotland, and that kinda made me sad too.

HMM> i guess there are reasons to be sad at the moment, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate having to look out for my moods. It's a part of my illness I find very difficult. So weird to have to look out for your own moods, and the depressions are the worst because there's this dark blackness to them, like you can't see through it to your future. Ugh! I HATE THAT!

Poop on depression.

Plus it's just sad that summer is over. Aw, no more summer til 2009!

Grant writer's block

So I'm writing a grant to do a short recruitment video for the Martian Mining Ship that's going to Terraform Mars for the Indigenous people of earth. It should be pretty funny. It's based on a performance I've been doing here and there. Meaning, Saskatoon and twice in Vancouver.

I have the costumes designed already.

They are black coveralls with MARS CREW beaded on the back in red beads.

It's kind of based in my desire, however far fetched, to go into space.

But it's based on a different idea of going into space, because it's tied in with this idea of home, and leaving home, and making a new home but it will never be the same. There's an inherent loneliness to the idea of space travel.

Anyway, I am having grant writers block and it sucks. I can't for the life of me describe my project. I need to read some of my old notes or something.

I can only get 17 000, which is still 17 000 more than I have now.

Damn block! I can't even write this! I'm going to bed.

Government Supplied Gasoline

This article from the Globe and Mail about various racist comments made by the Conservative party's folks made me shudder. So many stereotypes, so much hate. What a fucked up party man!

I am leaning towards the NDP right now and then also curious about the Green party. But then there is also the Liberals, and really that's the only other big party aside from the Bloc, which I can't vote for since I'm in Saskatchewan. Not that I would vote Bloc. Maybe I should just vote for a fringe independent candidate. Damn, so many choices.

It really makes me wonder about a place like the States where there are only two political parties. Not enough representation of diversity in political opinion. It's kind of weird. Even though it's pretty much been either Conservative or Liberal in power, there have been other people in parliament from all the other parties.

And it's going to be another minority government. Those things seem to have elections pretty quick, and there's always the confidence vote that can do it in.

One good thing about Canada is we do our elections with pencils and papers. No hanging chads, no electronic voting thinglydoos.

Anyway, the real point of this election is to get rid of the Conservatives. Stephen Harper is evil. He keeps axing arts funding. He gave people something like a hundred bucks a year towards their child care instead of funding day cares and the like. In Fit Of Pique I photoshopped a picture of him as George W. Bush's Mini Me. Enough said.

Not to mention the, uh, sobering remarks made by a Tory Candidate's assistant to Native protesters. And that guy who wants me and all my friends to live in Labrador.

LABRADOR?

What will we do there? Sniff government supplied gasoline?

Temping

Well, I'm in the temporary help industry now, where I am making a somewhat better wage doing work in light industry. Tomorrow I'm going to a warehouse to help out from 8 til 5, and the same on Thursday. Monday I was at an industrial laundry facility to count dirty clothes. I made 11 bucks an hour. This is much better than the call centres. I hated being yelled at ALL the time by people I called to take part in surveys. So far the work's been REALLY temporary. I don't know, it's a strange way to earn a living, it makes me feel a bit like a prostitute, being pimped out to all kinds of businesses. At least In Theory. In practice it's just like going to work for a few or one days and then waiting for the next assignment to come in. I'll see if I like it after I've done it for longer.

A friend told me to be glad I didn't get data entry jobs because he said they're BORING as all hell. I guess so. Data entry doesn't sound glamourous.

Of course the fact that I am in light industry worries me a bit because my cousin Christopher died in an industrial accident. I will have to be very careful. I got a pair of steel toed work boots today with some artist fee money because apparently most of the assignments I'm being sent to I need steel toed work boots. They're really nice but I wish I didn't have to lay out so much money. Of course feet never change when you're an adult, so if I take care of them they will last me years.

My quitting smoking is still going well. I am going to a week of Step 2 and then a last week of Step 3, and then I'm going off the patches for good. I am feeling REALLY triggery for smokes lately and I don't know why, I suspect it has to do with going for work again. I used to smoke during my breaks, now I don't. I have to do something else.

And I like the sensation of smoking. I would smoke something totally not tobacco if I could, just for a replacement. But I don't know the good herbal cigarettes or where to get them.

Anyway, that's my life, not too exciting right now. Work is good though, I need the money and I actually didn't mind being on my feet all day on Monday. If I can just keep it up . . . and get fit while I do it!

the lazy entry

I've been sitting around all day today. That's not quite true, I took Mister on a long walk and he had a poo and everything. It was a perfect owner/dog moment. Now he's snoozing by his kennel. I think I should put it away, he was going in and out for a while but now he doesn't care to.

I finally ordered my cable package, I'm not sure I can afford it, which is a bit silly, but we'll see what happens. I cut out various silly programs, like all the sports channels. And anyway, we'll see. There's still nothing on. I'm so bored! I want The Simpsons or Corner Gas or something to be on.

Today I'm mainly sitting around being a bum. It's because I'm waiting for my cousin Deanna to come over and hang out. We're going downtown to goof around eventually and then back to Mum's house for dinner.

It's going to be a nice day. I keep cleaning my house in between writing these paragraphs, and it's made me uninspired. I should quit.

A Bjork Classic

After going on a transatlantic flight, I can somewhat understand Bjork flipping out like this.

Higgs Boson and my Rugby Shirt

Hey, did you hear about the particle accelerator currently looking for the Higgs Boson particle? They did the first collision successfully today, and it's going to be running for the next fifteen years or so while they fiddle with all kinds of things. People are scared it will somehow rip the universe apart. Or blow up earth.

Google has a pretty cute icon of the particle accelerator on it's page.

I love Google. It's pretty much my only search engine, which could be goofy, I know.

I'm back from my interview and wearing my Scottish Rugby Shirt, which makes me happy. It's REALLY nice. And now appropriate for work since I may possibly be doing light industrial temp work. It would be different, and it pays better than what I was doing. I'm going to have to get some stamina. Maybe it will be good we walked so much in Scotland, because I'm in much better shape, although still quite chubby. I ate and drank more in Scotland. I usually don't eat so much. Or maybe I do and it's mostly snacks. I definitely don't usually drink so much, yesterday I went for a pint and it was just that, one pint.

I'm still on my no smoking thing. I haven't had a smoke, not even when I've been tempted. In the UK smokes have Smoking Kills written right on them, and it really freaked me out so of course I didn't want to buy smokes there. And here there is the Bloody Brain, the Broken Heart, and the Cancerous Lungs. Ugh to that!

Either way, I need to get in better shape.

Good Morning

It's early morning and I got up so that I can fill out an online application for employment in a temp staffing office. Yes, I am currently aspiring to be a temp. I think I might like it, I would meet a variety of people by the end of it, that's for sure.

So I have to look extra sparkly today. I had a dream I was buying makeup. That is WEIRD for me, as I haven't worn makeup for nearly eight years, except a couple times when I was crazy.

Craziness brings out the showmanship in clothing tastes, that's for sure.

I'm still really missing Scotland. It feels like being homesick! I'm surprised that I miss it this much. I wish I was still on holidays.

Oh damn! I seem to be chubbier than I was when I wore my tux, the result is my shirt no longer fits. Damn! So right now I am wearing a Scottish Rugby Shirt with a huge emblem of the Scottish Flag on it. It's pretty stylin', but not appropriate for a job interview. So I think now we also have to go interview shirt shopping. Double damn! Money I didn't want to spend, going!

Anyway, I think I had the best summer ever this year, it's going to be hard to top, that's for sure. Hmm, although a summer romance is also something to look forward to. I did have one of those, sure enough, she dumped me around about august.

Prayer of the week

I'm back to looking for work, and soon! I need something to fill in my long days and take away from my career for a while. LOL. No, I don't consider work to be that huge a burden. Although it will be a definite change of pace from life right now.

I'm still doing well with not smoking. I've done all kinds of things and not smoked cigarettes. I still only had that one slip way way back when I first started quitting. It's been weeks now. I'm on Step 2 of The Patch. It seems to be working. I didn't notice the change from Step 1. I'm a little more tired though. It's not such a heavy stimulant, and I've noticed being able to sleep more even when I am wearing it.

I'm pretty sleepy now, don't know why I"m even writing. We might have come into contact with bedbugs in the UK. Mum has big welty bites on her arms and legs, and I have a few on my wrist and ankles. So, eeehhhh! I hope we didn't bring them with us, although I hear they can't survive Saskatchewan winters. Let's pray it's true!

Absinthe

I'm feeling goofy, having had some absinthe. And also still being terribly jet lagged. I'm pretty ready to go to sleep. It's nice being back in Canada, I can't imagine living any other place.

I really like my footage. I'm very tired though, again. I am premiering You Are A Lesbian Vampire in Toronto at ImagineNative. Exciting! And I'm also showing Madness In Four Actions there.

We picked up Mister and Schrodinger today. They had a good time at summer camp (aka the kennel), Mister came out of his shell a LOT more, and made friends with some of the dogs there. He's also friendlier to my friends, which is nice. Schrodinger spent the time in the office with Mimi, my mum's cat. He had his mouse with him. It's a little fuzzy green thing.

Oh man, I should crash. Deanna liked the semi precious stone runes I got her. Now she can give me rune readings!!

An experiment in exhausted writing

I feel like I'm lost in time somewhere between day and night. In Edinburgh time it's now 7 am, but here in Saskatoon where I am again it is only midnight. It feels WAY later. I'm really confused and I feel out of sorts because I've been awake for 24 hours! On a plane! Ugh! My ass hurts, I've been sleeping in skinny beds, I didn't poop for a day, I've eaten crappy airline food and watched two movies back to back. I fretted the whole way about two pricey bottles of absinthe stashed in my checked luggage and had my ears pop over and over. I'm so fucking tired but I'm also stoned and it feels intense! And I'm so tired but I have to decompress before I can possibly lie down. I have some amazing footage including something I really have never seen before and could be a youtube hit.

I'm exhausted. Not to mention I decided I HAD to answer my email and most of it was about my upcoming group show at the National Gallery, and now I'm not sure my tired mind is adept enough for that.

Ah well. It's nice to answer business email. Much less pressure than answering personal mail.

I'm SLEEPY! I'm crashing man, it's LATe :LATE LATE for me! Actually I think, oh my ear finally popped, I think I'm going to look at my stuff first, then go to bed. Yes. Oh man it's late.

Almost home!

Today we're finally going to do the Gay neighborhood! I know where it is and we are ALMOST there! Tomorrow we're seeing penguins march about at the Zoo.

I'm getting really excited to go home now, we're so close and I'm so ready to be done carrying around cameras and tripod and suitcases filled to the brim with clothes and gifts for people. I did find some absinthe here, now will it get me into trouble, I do not know, but I will obviously keep you updated.

I've been really good about taking my meds but one night I did hear something weird that sounded suspiciously like an unintelligible voice in my head. My voices rarely ever say anything like a sentence, sometimes they aren't even in English. It was the first time I'd heard anything weird since I got out of the hospital. That one WAS intelligible and said 'The story goes that in the end you'll be normal.' Weird huh? I don't mind auditory hallucinations but they can be kind of annoying and scare people if you talk about them openly. So I usually don't.

What else? Today we're going to try and meet Liam for dinner, he used to go out with my cousin and is a nice guy, now he lives here in Edinburgh and seems to never want to come home. God bless him! I think the place suits him.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about my trip thus far, oh except now I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster AT ALL! Science doesn't support something so big living there as the fish stocks are rather low and it just isn't possible. So one little paranormal belief, gone! I do believe in Giant Squids though, as they've been proven to exist. Not paranormal at all though, unless it was, say, the ghost of a giant squid.

The Last Leg of my Journey

We're going to the Infamous Loch Ness today on a boat tour. Maybe we'll see the monster! It's been incredibly fun and we've seen some very cool things. I'm going to be glad to get home though to see my little dog and my kitten. I had a dream about my cat last night, dreamt I tied him to some balloons and then realized he might fly high in the sky away from me. I also dreamed my stomach had tons of surface piercings and I had no recollection of doing them, only to find out Mike did it while I was drunk and high! Weird dream!

I've been having lots of weird dreams since quitting smoking, they are very trippy.

It's a Sunday, we have to take some laundry back to the BAndB and then get a spot of lunch and then go on our excursion. It's a cloudy day but no rain, thankfully. When we did our archaeological tour of the Orkneys it was spitting misty rain off and on, our tour guide was amazing though and had an obvious love of the land.

So far I've tried Scottish crab, Scottish Lamb, and Scottish Steak! Yummers!

i'M SUCH A HOMEBODY AT HEART THOUGH! I love Saskatoon and am happy to have made my home there, after such a long time in Vancouver. I appreciate it more now.

It's been an incredible journey and I'm so happy to have come here. It will be interesting to see how my video turns out.

Super freak, she's super freaky! Yeah!

It's now well into our holiday/shoot and I've got some great footage. We saw some puffins in Wick and I got two of them on tape but they are very small. We came into Kirkwall today to do a spot of shopping and I have to say, I'm glad we picked Stromness to stay in because it is far prettier.

The food is good from time to time, I still haven't tried haggis because it sounds offal. Ha ha! But we did get some Scots bannock here, we haven't tried it yet but we will!

Scotland is an interesting place to visit, everywhere seems so rich with history. Being in the Orkneys is interesting because they still have very strong ties with Norway and with their viking heritage. I found some wicked presents for people, or one person anyway, and oddly enough we found a Lonely Planet guide for the Trans Siberian Railway. Our next trip, hopefully!

Travelling with Mum is excellent except that she often has to find a bathroom. Poor lady. We haven#t seen any seals, but I am hoping we might see Dolphins at Inverness. We're also going on a boat tour of Loch Ness soon. Maybe we'll see some humps! My humps . . .

The weather was miserable in edinburgh, but it has vastly improved for the rest of our trip. Mum wasn't impressed with Edinburgh castle. The really interesting part of our trip was Wick when we wandered about discovering things about our relative who lived there.

Anyway, back to Facebook I guess! I'm glad we've had internet access every so often because I had to attend to a couple business emails. I'm going to be in a show at the National Gallery in October, and in late September I'm going to the Lower Mainland for a few days to be part of a shoot.

Short note!

Here in Scotland the sun has finally decided to peek through the clouds. I don't have much time to write here, suffice it to say that I am doing well with my mum here and we've learned some interesting things about our past. We're in Wick right now staying just around the corner from my great grandma's house. We found the butcher shop where my great grandad used to work too. It is no longer a butcher shop. Now it's the Volunteer centre.

Well, that's about all the stuff I can write in my allotted time! Curse the slow library computer! I am coming out to the Lower Mainland in September, so I'm excited to see my friends. I've quit smoking for about 16 days now. And it's going good! I'm repulsed by noncanadian cigs at the best of times, so this is a good experience. Til later!

SCOTLAND!

It's only a couple days until I head off to Scotland, and I'm excited as all hell. The days are going to be busy! Oh man, and I had a weird night last night. Some thuggy dude called my friend a faggot, and then another guy yelled at us and chased us. We were smoking up the last time, so our only option was to run like the wind! LOL.

I'm so having trouble with my sleeping, I keep sleeping in. I know I won't on vacation, but still it's a concern, especially with work coming up soon. I need to be able to get up on time.

I'm sleeping through a buzzing alarm too, it's not pleasant but somehow I can do it. Ugh!

I have to do something about this.

I used to wish I was called a sexpert. I used to want to be a sexpert. I think I still do, which is kind of funny. I thought I would have grown out of those day dreams.

Anyway, SCOTLAND!

No smoking and my traveling reading materials

Well, it's day 3 of being on the patch and still I have only smoked once. My shirt actually smells not bad and I'm coughing a bit to get the plegm out. Ew. The patches are really helping, I only think about cigarettes now when I'm first in a situation where I would have smoked. I'm not partying any time soon, so there won't be that situation to think about smoking. And then I will be in Scotland, and I won't think about smoking anyway. Still, I am getting enough patches to get me through Scotland.

I'm pretty psyched about going. It's my first BIG trip in a long time. I hope we can afford it, it seems insanely expensive. As insane as a psychosis though? Hmm, not quite.

Since I have nothing else to talk about, I will now list what I am taking with me on the plane:

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
A sort of primer for BDSM bottoms in the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. Pretty useful.

Diva, the Special Gender Issue August 2008
I haven't read any of it yet, it's a UK dyke mag. Danielle Sea was on the cover.

Filmmaker The Magazine of Independent Film Summer 2008
25 new faces of Independent Film!

Film Comment July August 2008
Wall-e!

NAVIGATING THE space Between Brilliance and Madness
A Reader and Roadmap of Bipolar Worlds
Assembled by the Icarus Project
It's a sweet zine like collection of writings by other folks with bipolar and related disorders. It gave me a warm feeling when I picked it up in the store. Plus it's realistic about meds, which was nice.

Best Lesbian Erotica 08 edited by Tristan Taormino
I think the last time I bought lesbian erotica was in the late nineties. It's good to update my bookshelf.

short

Tomorrow I am interviewing my Grandparents. It should be interesting fer sure. I got my hair cut and I feel (and probably look) tons better. I was getting shaggy. Pretty soon we're off on an adventure. I'm going to have to do some things before we go though. Like interviewing tomorrow. And CLEANING!!

I have lots to do to clean my place, well, not TONS, I could probably do the whole place in an hour and a half. Or less.

I'm so tired!!! I should go to bed!

The Dark Side of Humanity

I think I should just be honest about this. Although most mentally ill people ARE peaceful and non-violent, we all know what it's like to be out of control. Maybe that's why the murder in Manitoba scares me, not because I could kill anyone, but just that some people really do flip out that hardcore. Not often though. There's a reason every one is shocked by this crime, because it's out of the ordinary, even among persons living with altered states such as me. My god, at my craziest I usually can't even kill a bug or eat meat, never mind assaulting someone. I have done bad things while crazy, which is why it can ruin your life, bleh, but eventually I was hospitalized.

It seems like the murderer just fell through the cracks in the mental health system. It was mentioned he was in a psych facility for four days, but four days is nothing, not even long enough to get stabilized on meds. Did he have follow up care? Or was he just unmedicated and floating around in a delusion?

It's a sad situation all around. One person's dead and the other person wants to be dead. And people are clamouring for the death penalty to come back. Now that is insane. This is CANADA! Plus I don't think it would look good on the international stage to start executions of mentally ill persons, no matter how heinous the crime. I don't think any executions are justifiable.

It really affected people. When I heard details about it I felt physically ill. I won't go into them here, you can google it on your own. But it was quite gruesome.

I think one of the things that has bothered me is how many people are also asking for people to be locked away in institutions like in the old days. Ugh, do you know how crappy it is to live in an institution? And besides that, with the new drugs a great number of people can live normal lives in the rest of society, where we belong! I don't want to be segregated because of my illness when for the most part I am fine. That'd suck.

It's a touchy topic. Obviously something failed. A simple carry on baggage check could have prevented it. Or police could have been called when some people noticed him acting weirdly the night before. But really all this are what if's, clearly what has happened happened.

It's the reason though, at least that's what people are thinking. Tim McLean is dead because his neighbor was crazy. It's a scary and simplistic explanation of what happened and is enough to satisfy people's questions. But I have questions, like did the murderer have a violent past, I mean clearly he had some strange intentions for a huge "Rambo" knife. Whatever happened, it's this dark side of humanity that pops up and shocks the hell out of us sometimes.

Do I LOOK like a peanut to you? Do I? Huh?

In eight days I'm off to Scotland. Pretty exciting!!! I hope my mom is better by then, she's been warding off a nasty infection with some antibiotics. Everything's ready, I have to buy some videotapes, but that's about it. My passport arrived safe and sound, and I have to say, I look like some kind of thug from a native terrorist group. It's embarrassing. About as embarrassing as my first ECIAD id that made my head look like a peanut.

Well what can you do but sniff some glue?

I looked so young and beautiful in my first passport photo. Damn! WHAT HAPPENED!? About 10 years I reckon.

I went to the Fringe here but Didn't go to the plays, which kinda sucked because that's the whole point. I think my mom and I are going to try and see something at the Fringe in Edinburgh. That's the plan anyway.

Or just go where there are buskers. That's fun too. Once I saw Juicy Danger do a show at English Bay, and I'd gone all by myself just to see the ocean. It was nice.

When I think about it, I used to do a lot of stuff alone. I liked it. It was fun being a young woman on my own in public. You'd be surprised how people react to it sometimes. Traveling on my own is fun too. I'd like to do more things alone, like go out to a movie or something. Guy Maddin's My Winnipeg is showing at the Broadway in Sept. I'm thinking it would be nice to go alone.

I'm trying to think of a way to carve out a decent living for myself in between projects. A friend suggested temp work until I get enough experience to stay in some office type job. That would be nice. I like doing office support staff work. It has enough mild variety and occasional office intrigue to keep me going. Some workplaces turn into soap operas, it's kind of crazy. Like me.

I'm still trying to think of something to say about the Tim McLean murder and the media around it especially, but the news changes everyday. I was happy to hear that hundreds turned out to keep that Westboro Baptist Church from protesting. And that some were turned away at the border. I just hope that in the future when that bizarrely homophobic congregation come back to Canada to protest something that the same degree of sentiment towards keeping them out will apply. OMG! They had better NOT protest my funeral! In fact, I'm surprised they do get to protest places like soldier's funerals. I mean the Winnipeg police said they'd arrest anyone who disrupts the funeral, but in the States it seems to be groups of bikers who keep them away from funerals.

Ah well. Bikers do nice things.

What else? A PERSON I know took a research drug and had a bad trip for THREE days! Oh man, that's a harsh lesson to learn. No way would I do a drug nobody knows anything about. All my prescriptions are some well tested drugs. I think. No one really knows the LONG term outcome of these meds, like what they will do to me in old age. They can guess, but only based on older medications effects. Maybe I will turn into a turnip, damn!

Thirty and still single

Summer is coming to a close, and I have to find a job doing something I enjoy I hope. I'm open to all kinds of jobs really. Well, no. I don't know. I'm hoping to find something I can stick with though.

I'm also really wanting to be with someone again. I'm not sure who, I would have to meet someone I guess. Saskatoon isn't very big. I'd be open to a long distance thing I guess, although they can be really unsatisfying. Hmm. I keep getting these depressing ads on Facebook that say "Thirty and Still Single?" And then go to guys personal ads. Well That does not help me at all, and it just makes me feel and probably look desperate. Really desperate, considering I am a lesbian.

The truth is that I'm at the mercy of fate on this. I mean, I really don't know who I will meet or what kind of woman I'll fall in love with again. I'm in that terrible limbo between lovers when you don't know when you'll meet someone again. Ugh!

But really I've also been trying to think of an appropriate response to the recent stabbing and beheading on the Greyhound in Manitoba. I'm think of writing something along the lines of mental health and how the system fails people in need of help. BUT THEN there are also all kinds of other issues at hand, like it's impact on strengthening the stigma towards persons with mental health issues.

Anyway, I have not much else noteworthy to say today. I'm kinda flat. I'm thirty and still single, it's not terribly exciting.

I can masturbate as much as I want to!

Being single and sexual is a strange thing. Not being cut out for casual romping, I've had to create a semi interesting masturbatory life. Although I fear that it has become ROUTINE!

Sexual satisfaction on a routine basis sounds fine, until you think about all the interesting things I could have done to myself to spice it up. I am a deviant by nature, so things like hot wax, needles, tying myself up, I mean, there really are TONS of things I could be doing besides routine handjobs.

And I wonder to myself, how can it get so routine? I'll buy vibrators to spice it up a bit, but even that can become routine and rote. So I am putting out a challenge to myself and other fellow masturbators to incorporate more variety into masturbation!

Here are a few suggestions.

Buy a bondage book and some rope and experiment with different forms of bondage.

Use an object that seems appealing in some way.

Try it with nipple clamps on!

Experiment with sensations from different things like feathers and candle wax.

More suggestions? Add them in my comments!

I just think it's a shame that something as fun as masturbation ends up being edged out of our lives into neat little slots of convenience. Maybe I should have dates with myself. LOL. Really though, I don't understand people who diss masturbation. It's an excellent stress reliever. And I've recently heard that it's good for women who want to have orgasms easier with a partner or alone.

It's a funny topic, people don't really want to talk about masturbation because it's kind of seen as second rate sex. And because it's naughty. I've often wondered about people who DON'T do it, that seems a little more suspect to me.

Not Diabetes!

Acid Reflux! ? I know, weird hey? I went to my doctor and she thinks I've been having trouble eating because of acid reflux. So I'm on some new meds. And So my weight loss is from not eating as much.

Damn, I really wish I could go to mom's and eat, but I have to go somewhere else. Oh well. I will figure it out later.

I'm bored right now. I guess that's not the best state to write in. OH! We saw a weird light out by Dakota Dunes / Cranberry Flats! It hovered in one spot kind of high up in the sky, and it would turn on and off and sometimes get really bright. At one point I thought I could see a red light on it. And my friend saw a yellow light. It went lower and higher but it mostly stayed in that one spot. It creeped us out, even watching it from a fully lit parking lot was a little creepy. And when we first saw it we were right out at Cranberry Flats standing outside the car smoking. Chills! UFO thrills!

I shouldn't have said that I wanted to see something. Still, it wasn't as freaky as those two lights we saw that one October. In 2006, what a strange time.

Side Effect Lane

I have one very queer side effect, lactation. Sometimes small amounts of milk get secreted and I'll end up with a wet t-shirt. Not DRENCHED, my god! Just little spots. How embarrassing. I started lactating on the trip we took one day. I think it was because I was not wearing a bra. What a weird freakin' side effect!

The other unfortunate side effect is occasional incontinence. Terrible! And it's related to my meds, apparently.

My quality of life is fine though, aside from those two things. Oh yeah, AND I lost a bunch of weight and now we're worried it's diabetes. crap. Crap crap crap. I will find out soon!

Scotland is going to be so much fun!!!! Ahhhh! Scotland! My homeland! One of them anyway. I'm pretty excited about going, and so is Mum. I'm so glad she's coming with me! We will get to spend quality time together on an adventure! I also hear the girls there are good looking. But it was a fellow Scots telling me that, so who knows. I am paying a bazillion dollars for my beloved animals to go to a kennel. I wish I could pay someone to look after them, but it seems no one can do it. So to the kennel they go. My cousin Shannon didn't help matters when she said "That's like jail for dogs."

Mister will probably hate it! Oh man! Schrodinger will think of it as a new adventure.

Anyway, I'm lactating as I type.

It's not so bad, at least it's not gushes and gushes. Men can start lactating on the meds I'm on too. Weird eh? I didn't know men could do it either.

Fact: Women can ejaculate and men can lactate.

You know, it really shows how similar the "two sexes" are.

Well that's enough about men.

What elsez? I'm feeling creative and therefore sexy! I wish I had someone to romp with. Someone cute and femme and around my age! Someone with a job! Someone who likes to take me out places. Someone who will buy me piercings and tattoos!

Well that's enough for a personal ad.

Metis?

Scotland is coming up really really soon! 25 days! I got my passport application in today, whew! It will arrive no later than one week before we leave. I was assured anyway. Maybe 2 weeks. People are getting them pretty quick.

It's good to have as well, in case one of my new tapes takes me to a festival overseas. That would be nice.

So I'm pretty excited to go to Scotland, I have no idea what I will discover. Will it feel like home, is what I really want to know. It will be an adventure, to be sure.

Yes, I'm Scots and Cree, which technically makes me Metis. And yet I continue to identify as a halfbreed, or biracial. I guess I feel like I wasn't raised with specifically metis culture, so I don't feel comfortable with the label.

Our family is very Cree. Especially with the Cree humour.

So soon!

I'm still looking for someone to look after my pup and kitty, after my arrangement with my grandparents fell through. So if any of my local friends ever read this, and you would like to housesit two cats and a small weiner dog let me know.

I'm feeling rather optimistic about life these days. I hope its not mania! LOL.

Being bipolar is intense, but manageable. To think that some pills make everything better. I wouldn't go off meds again, not with the repercussions of the last time I went off meds still resonating in my broken heart. No! I've made a renewed commitment to my own stability. I don't want to have to go back to the hospital, although I have heard of breakthrough episodes. Bleh to them! I think it's just a bizarre illness to have. Sometimes I wish I didn't have it, but then sometimes I think it's inspired me in certain ways. Whatever it is, it's something I have to work with for the rest of my life.

I'm also losing weight really fast. My pants are all baggy, and I just bought them a few months ago. This could be good but rapid weight loss is also a sign of diabetes, so I have to go into my doctor and get tested for it. Crap! Plus I have to get a note explaining my medication for Scottish Customs.

I like the weight loss in and of it self. I've been wanting to lose about 20 pounds. If not more. My meds really made me get bigger. I grew out of a righteous leather jacket! Sadness!

Bears at Ness Creek

So I went camping, listened to music, and did some drugs. It was a crazy wild time at Ness, but I did end up getting enough sleep and lucky for me no bears attacked the tent. The place was lousy with bears. We saw two of them meters away from our tent, the first looked like an adolescent bear and ate Janelle's vegan food, even the cous cous. We tried to scare it away but I was terrified and we just slowly backed away from it. It stood on it's hind legs and sniffed us! We fled for the stage. The next day we spotted another bear near our campsite, roughly in the same spot as the last one but much bigger. We yelled and banged trees with sticks and it ran away. Yesterday just before we went to bed there was yet another bear at the community kitchen, but we didn't see it, and we heard gun shots and found out they shot a bear. so the rumour went.

The music was nice, and the campground was really nice, we had a firepit. On the last night of Ness on Saturday some guy had a bad trip and started running around screaming "I am me! I am Me! Allah!" then he jumped on some girls tents and collapsed one.

Oh yes, and someone my cuz knows did have their tent slashed open by a bear! AND it dragged her blankets out into the rain and peed on them!

The funny thing is that I wasn't having nearly as much fun as I thought I would. One night I was worried about my cousin, and then I was also seriously considering just ditching drugs altogether for my future. I'm not liking them as much as I used to. I mean hard drugs, like e. And I feel like drugs are getting boring. for me. Maybe because I'm 30, maybe the party lifestyle is slowly going away. Not that I ever was a HARDCORE partier. Maybe I was. I dunno. All I know is that certain things are becoming either more important or less, kind of like shedding a skin. Certain habits of mine are slowly wearing away just because I am tired of them.

And the truth is I only ever do E with people way younger than me, funny since when I used to do E years ago it was with 30 year olds.

Anyway, enough about drug use. It was just a theme of the whole Ness Experience and not necessarily the best thing to do when camping around wild bears.

I really do need to develop older friends. I'm starting to really notice a difference between my priorities now compared to when I was twenty. Of course when I was twenty I was hanging around older friends. Hmm. I dunno, I just need to develop more interests and get working on my career more. I have had a great year career wise so far, especially the grant and selling to the National Gallery of Canada.

Oh yeah, and Storytellers is happening this fall and I might get to go to Vancouver when they shoot!

On the home front, not much has changed. My kit kat clock is finally working properly.

Oh yes, I remember why I didn't like Ness so much . . . CAMPING! I was so dirty and smelly and greasy! I hated feeling like that, I felt like I was mentally ill and homeless, which really if you think hard about it, I WAS!!! I paid 70 bucks to be mentally ill and homeless! A tent is not a home, especially not with the leak we got. I did have my meds though and I was taking them. But I'm still mentally ill. My weird disease, who knows why it is there.

At least there were marshmallows.

Cross Your Fingers Vancouver!

I'm going to be the subject of an APTN television crew shooting Storytellers In Motion. and they might fly me out to Vancouver to shoot part of it. It would be so cool to get back to Vancouver for a visit. It's been two years since I've been there! So long! My friends will be old and wrinkly by the time I get to see them again, or so it seemed. I'm excited to see them, I don't know how many friends I'll be able to see. Maybe I will buy a new hat and bunnyhug.

Remember the old playthinge that sugars use to sit and evolve on?

Is what I got in a porn spam today. How elegant, I thought. A sugar sitting on a playthinge and evolving on it. What does sugar evolve into I wonder? Candy. For sure. All different kinds.

But who or what is the playthinge?

I am trying to resolve to write in this more. Going crazy and writing silly things kind of put me off blogging for a while. But I'm enjoying it again I think. 2007 sucked all around for mental health.

2008 has been pretty good.

I pick up my meds tomorrow. I missed last night's meds because I have only one dose left, so I went to bed fine but woke up early. Tonight I'll be appropriately medicated again and then I'll have my bubble packs again. I've been doing the bubble packaging ever since getting out of the hospital, since I'm now on quite the cocktail of meds.

100mg of Seroquel
6mg of Risperdone
750mg of Epival
20mg of Celexa

It really works, especially since I have some pretty bad manias and pretty severe depressions. None of that for several months now. It's been pretty even, I just get grumpy now and then if I forget my meds. It's good being stable.

I didn't party at all last night, if you are wondering. I just came home and goofed around on the internet before going to bed. There was some big rave last night but I didn't go, I think my raving days are over.

Getting older is so funny, only a few months ago I was still in my twenties. Now I'm thirty and still waiting for the right woman. Sigh. I feel old compared to the people I've been hanging out with, who are in their early twenties. I need some older friends. Or rather, I need to spend more time with them, since I do have bunches of friends my age.

You know but you acting like you don't know!

I'm still getting carded though. Even with this huge fuckin dragon tattoo on my forearm people still wonder if I'm underage. Not to mention all my other tattoos.

I found this old footage I shot on Mini DV that I want to do something with, but I don't know what yet. It's really beautiful.

My mom and I are getting along a lot better. Although she was doing this immense job of ripping up all this grass so she could put her pool in, and I had to help! I hate physical labour. Like digging trenches, noooooo! Don't make me! Now I have dirty fingernails.

I'm resolving to do no more drugs beyond pot. I think I've been pretty lucky with my recreational drug use, of which I have written here, but it's time to retire undefeated. I'm 30, I had my crazy twenties, it was a good time, but it's over. I'm evn thinking of quitting drinking. I don't do it a whole lot, and I don't see the point to it either. Besides that, I want to keep being stable and I know pot hasn't been bad to me in the past. Speedy drugs though, like e, not good.

I'm trying to be better to myself, it's been challenging. I'm trying to schedule in more me time. It's been good so far.

I think I am going to go see Wanted tonight, just because Angelina Jolie is in it and she's my current celebrity crushola.
Be sure to remember the playthinge!

And Grampa's DNA Results Are IN!

He belongs to Haplogroup Q, and was a mammoth hunter in Siberia!

Back from The Roadtrip

I'm back from my whirlwind trip of my Grandfather's ancestral homelands here on the Plains. I got some great footage and learned some pretty cool history, which I now have to condense and relate back to my own family. I saw some petroglyphs, which was really cool, and a buffalo jump, and where we had ceremonies, and all kinds of things.

This video is still morphing as I shoot more and more. I want to interview some people. Some one asked me if I could shoot and edit a promo for them, so I might have a short paying gig, which would be good.

I'm waiting for some artist fees to come in, as usual. It's about that time again.

I just got an awesome tarot card reading that promised some positive things in my career. And Scotland is just around the corner. I'm pretty excited about it, it's going to be so rad discovering that place with my mom there too. It's going to be a lot of fun.

I like travelling with my mom.

Aside from that, I'm going to have to go back to work pretty soon. I have all kinds of footage to play with now though, and I'm still going to interview some people. I'm pretty happy with how this video making life is going. Editing is so ridiculously fun. I really need to make more of a career out of editing than I do now. I'm good at it yo.

I'm glad I do something I'm passionate about.

Things to do with my Body when I'm Dead

Not that I plan to be dead anytime soon. For god's sakes, I just spent a fair chunk of change on a new microphone and some more batteries for my video camera. But there are all kinds of things you can plan to do with your corpse after you have shuffled off this mortal coil.

You could get it sent into space for example, for a small fee.

You could have your bones compressed into a diamond.

You could donate your body to the body farm and let scientists measure how you naturally decompose.

You could donate your body to Gunther Von Hagen's for plasticination and end up being viewed in shows around the world.

Or you could donate your body to science. Which is kind of scary. I mean, who knows what people will do with you.

I've weighed all the options, and since burial kinda disturbs me, I'm going with cremation. I wouldn't want to be a diamond and get lost somewhere along the way. And I definitely would not want to float around for eternity in space.

Did you know they still embalm you for cremation? Kinda weird. Embalming is really bad for the environment. a totally green funeral would be cool, but I've never researched it.

I'm not really this morbid, I don't know why I know so many things you can do with your dead body.

Shyness

I hope people don't think I'm standoffish, I'm just horribly shy.

It's a curse. People say kids grow out of shyness, but no, they just grow into adults with different kinds of shyness. My main shyness is terribly cute girls. They can make me turn beet red. I hope I'm not allergic!

I don't know why I'm so shy around girls. I think it's a lack of self esteem. I have to rely on my personality here, where as in Vancouver I coasted by on video art fame.

Speaking of videos, my distributor V Tape in Toronto is getting my two new tapes, the revamped Madness In Four Actions, and the humourous and sexy short, You Are A Lesbian Vampire. So festival world, OH PLEEZE invite me to a festival somewhere semi glamourous! I will be oh so grateful to have the chance to travel again.

I'm also realizing I'm missing Vancouver. Not in a way of wanting to move there, but just wanting to visit, to see my old haunts, to visit friends and ex lovers, to go to the nudie beach and look for seals and smoke some reefer. Just a nice BC trip. So I can't afford it this year, but next year I'm either going to get a show in Vancouver or I'm going to scrape up enough for a proper visit. It is beautiful, and I have some really close friends out there.

My oldest friend, as in the one I've been friends with the longest, Laurel, has known me since we were two. I try to keep friends, I do have falling outs, but I can be voted most likely to patch it up and move on. Although I have born grudges for longer than I should. I think I'm over that now.

I've grown up a lot since I first moved back to Saskatoon. It's amazing what being thirty will do for you, it puts everything into perspective. I used to be so gung ho about my career. Then I got diagnosed bipolar and getting recovered took a lot out of me. Now I think I'm really ready to work on my career more. I really am totally career driven, I always have been. That was my zen centre, making videos! The writing, the shooting, the editing, and all those lovely festivals. I need to incorporate it into my life more, and having this camera and computer system is just the ticket. I love being able to shoot when ever I want. and edit whenever I want. It's amazing that our world has made this possible, for the average person to have their own mini production suite.

And it's more reliable to have your own camera, you're not dependent on rental cameras which get beat up fast no matter how careful people are. I had my own camera when I was seventeen. It was my birthday present. It was just a consumer hi 8 camera, with no white balance, but I made like, five videos on that thing. Maybe more!

And this one is my baby. Next to my apartment it's my favorite thing I've gotten this year. The camera I mean. I love having shit.

It would be cool if I got a girlfriend this year, but I have to overcome my horrible shyness. It's no fun. Bleh.

I get so squirrelly when I see someone cute. dammit!

My cousin Steven got a girlfriend last year after a really long period of no girlfriend. I'm happy for him, he seems happy. He's turning out nice, I hope.

Anyway, that song up there is Ghosts by Ladytron. and it's dedicated to all the cute girls I miss out on by being shy.

Update on the homelands video

Well my Grampa's haplogroup is STILL unknown, but my Gramma turned out to be an H. Not surprising since half the women in Europe are H's. What is interesting though is that we are ALL, every single human on the planet, descended from one woman in Africa dubbed the mitochondrial Eve. There isn't one man we're descended from, but one woman in everyone's maternal lineage. Pretty cool.

I just finished my vampire video, You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I WAS going to output and stuff tonight, but I left all my new tapes at Mom's house. SO MAYBE TOMORROW> fucking keyboard!

Tomorrow is house cleaning day, which will be nice I guess, because the house sure needs it. fer sure.

We're getting ready for the first big shoot week, which is coming up in less than a fortnight. We're travelling around Grampa's homelands here in Canada and America. It will be a nice road trip.

Firewire is my friend!

I finally got a firewire and have been busy outputting shot video onto my computer. It's been a lot of fun! I'm editing my lesbian vampire video as we speak, type, whatever. It's a voiceover with a heartbeat and then some hot shots of two girls kissing. But I need to throw in a couple more video bits to it, girls kissing cannot carry it all alone, sadly.

I'm trying to give up smoking, but I smoked for pride. I should get back on the patch soon.

I didn't meet any single girls this pride, though I did meet a lesbian I used to go to high school with. I didn't know she was a lesbo then.

Pride was nice, we went to the parade and it didn't rain on us. Mom got me a gay sticker for my bike. We had a hot dog.

Then I partied all night, and now I am still up, musing on my day.

I realy do love making video and shooting and editing it. Its like my favorite thing, even more than drugs!

LOL.

I can't really write this morning, I just felt bad for not giving my blog a newer post.

I smell something floral.

We waited in line at Divas for 35 minutes before giving up. Ugh! They were full and only taking members first. So we came back here for the rest of our fun.

I love Pride, and there were some very sexy girls there.

But even more than Pride, I love my new firewire cable.

Bins

I've been in two psych wards, one in Montreal and one in Saskatoon. The first time in the hospital I got really fucked up over it. THE LAST TIME WASN"T BAD>

I actually had a really good time in the hospital the last time I was there. I mean ya it was boring and all, but they spoke english! And I made some good friends. I actually ran into a guy last night who remembers me from the hospital. It was a positive experience, and they were so concerned about what my follow though care would be afterwards. It wasn't like the first time, getting shoved out with an official designation as crazy.

At least crazy isn't a full time thing though.

Last night I got ripped on drugs, I am STILL up, and I had the best talk with my straight friend Preston about sucking tit and eating pussy.

I'm chewing gum. I'm wide awake and I wish I could go to sleep.

But really, now I know that my first experience in the bin was an anomaly. Montreal wards suck major ass, somethings wrong with that city as far as their mental health care system.

We all went to the Yard to celebrate Deanna's birthday. Then we went to Lydias, and then a bunch of us came to my house and stayed up all night. They've all crashed now And I am still awake! i now I'll crash soon though/ But what a fun night!

I've made a new vow to only do pot on special occassions. Like once or twice a month. I'm quitting everyday pot use. I really think it will improve my creativity to cut back that much.

Victim Girlfriend Wanted

LIFE IS QUIET< WHICH IS KIND OF GOOD> i'm really missing going to festivals though, which means I have to get my videos out there again. I'm not going to bother fixing my stupid keyboard's antics this post.

So enough sitting around on my ass. I have to get a camera with firewire and then output my very late video.

It's kind of a strange video because it was made for installations.

I also have to get my priorities fixed this summer while I work on my new video. I'm thinking of it as a road movie I guess. I really need to be giving it more thought and attention.

I've been considering quitting pot. Altogether or cutting back. I'm not sure which yet, but I'm thinking it's been a waste of time lately. I need to get more creative, and it's not helping my creativity anymore. Probably never did really.

I'm also trying to shoot my new video You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I'm going to make it really short. Probably about two minutes. I want it to be really sexy and funny. Carrie Gates has already agreed to be the vampire, so it should be fun. I just need a victim-girlfriend now. And I already have someone in mind. Yay for victim girlfriends! LOL! I shouldn't say such things as a feminist. More LOL.

Where am I? Oh yeah, so I'm planning two road trips in North America and Scotland. And doing a shoot sometime soon. Maybe this week. It depends if I can recharge my phone enough to get a hold of Carrie for scheduling. I've realized I really need to refocus on my career. I was getting somewhere for a while there. I need to get it back on track man. I miss hitting the festival circut. That was always fun.

Anyway, I'm 30 now and that means I'm ready for big changes. I want to keep control over my bipolar disorder. The meds I am on are really great right now. I'm pretty happy. Not manic happy, but content with life. I'm discontent actually, which is why I need the big changes. I dunno. I'm quitting smoking, which is going okay, despite slips. I'm on the patch and sticking with it.

I need to clean more, is one issue I could deal with I guess.

I really need to consider this road movie aspect of my project. I need to get a better handle on it. I'm thinking of using a heartbeat for my vampire project, just this quiet heartbeat on the whole soundtrack. I'm currently making my summer music playlist for my ipod.

Kitties

My cat just pooped in a box, and it smells! Schrodinger, you're such a bad kitty!

Finished Tattoo!

My tattoo got finished a couple of days ago. Wow, right now my animals are all supremely calm. I don't want to disturb it. They are sacked out. I wonder what they do when I am not here. Anyway, getting it finished, the tattoo I mean, wasn't too bad. I don't particularly enjoy getting tattooed, but the end results always seem to be worth it. I like having a nice piece of art adorn my body. Anyway, here is the end result.

Self Promoting Brownie Points

Hey hey hey! I'm in the Spring issue of SPIRIT right now with my short story Horsie. Be sure to check it out on the newsstands, it is full of sexy NDNs getting it on. Also you can see my video Helpless Maiden Makes an "I" Statement at non-compliance.ca.

Be sure to check it out!

I'm getting high on two very intense pot brownies that my cuz No Ass D and I made together. We're watching V for Vendetta and acting silly, but her favorite scene is on so I thought I would blog.

I got fifty bucks and a lucky bamboo and a swimming suit for my 30th birthday. The Bamboo is really cute, and I have underwear made out of bamboo, so it matches.

Why am I blogging in this condition? Good question mon ami.

Well, sometimes it amuses me. And really the number one reason I blog is because it amuses me. I've done it for so long now, well over ten years. And I wish I still had some of my early stuff. Oh well.

They are intently watching V pour Vendetta again. Blood everywhere, groddy!

Bollocks.

I like saying that, I ought to say that more often.
anyway, back to entertaining the guests. Tomorrow morning we are having toad in the hole for brekky.

Creative work in the community

Yours truly may be hosting a show on CFCR starting sometime in the not too distant future. Rainbow Radio is looking for hosts, and I'm itching to do something in the community. It's a GLBT show every Sunday night. I used to volunteer at a show called Women Visions in Vancouver at their co-op radio station. I've been wanting to do something at CFCR for a while now, and so this is right up my alley. And I really like working the switches and stuff at radio stations. That's super fun. I love techy stuff of all nature, because I'm a geek.

I'm also thinking of doing volunteer work for Pride, and maybe finding a group of like minded people to run play parties, AND I still want to start up a film festival. And there was something else I was thinking of doing. I'm a busy tomboy. I still want to volunteer at Hantleman. Someone told me not to, but I liked spending time with the volunteer I saw. And I know crazy people inside and out. I've been around enough of them, that's for sure, in all states of craziness.

I'm feeling pretty good these days, surprisingly. I guess my life is going better than I'd hoped. I still want to make my feature though. I did network with a producer on Facebook, I'm thinking of asking her advice on where I go next with my screenplay, as in who's looking to produce a feature.

Networking's the most important part of being a filmmaker, but sometimes I'm just so damned shy about it. I don't put myself out there as much as some filmmakers. I don't self promote as much as I should. It's a problem. Which is why maybe getting out in the community will be good for me.

Oh, I'm also going to try to start writing for the local alternative biweekly Planet S. I've been wanting to write for them for a while now, and I think it would be a lot of fun. So eee!

Hey, apparently my work is now showing at the National Gallery in Ottawa. Pretty cool hey?

Animals.

That video of the soldier throwing a puppy off a cliff was so horrible, I kept thinking about that poor dog for ages. I hate seeing shit like that because it makes me feel so angry about people who abuse animals. Animals can't defend themselves, especially not a puppy.

MY puppy is doing very well. I was out yesterday for most of the day and he did okay. Of course when I got home he was excited and jumping on me licking me. Silly boy.

I love my dog, I'm so glad I finally get to live with him again.

Last night my kitty was BAD! So bad, first he was getting his claws in the screen window by my bed and trying to pull it out. Then he got his toy mouse and started PLAYING ON ME! It was four in the morning and I finally had to escort him to the bedroom door and kicked him out. Then he banged on the door for a while to get back in.

Bad kitty! Anyway, I slept until a little while ago to try and catch up on my sleep.

So far this coop living is nice. I live kinda far from everything though, So I renewed my learner's license and I'm going to try and learn to drive this summer. I hope I hope.

God Bless America? I don't think so.

Ugh! I hate watching images of what the soldiers are doing in Iraq. Here's another series of horrid clips, including the infamous water bottle chase, and a soldier THROWING a puppy! Not to mention making muslim kids chant We Love Pork. Sick, and the commander of this horrid war is about as sick as the soldiers themselves. Gross. What kind of America are they going to get after this war is over, all kinds of seriously sociopathic soldiers coming back? Are there EVER going to be war crimes trials?

In other news, last night my dog at three in the morning decided to get his squeaky teddy bear out and went squeak squeak squeak all the way from the living room back to my bedroom. It woke me up, that's for sure. Then he went back to bed. Weird dog!

Oscar Steals a Garden Gnome

Some funny for you.

Hurts so good I gotta Soregasm

Cause the tent's so big in your pants baby . . .

I love Peaches. She rocks out! Tonight is my meditation circle with Barb Powell. I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm going to learn about using tools to meditate with. It should be enlightening.

I like doing things to contribute to my personal growth. And I think meditation is very good for bipolar people. I know, none of this has any relation to the Peaches video. You're disappointed, I can tell.

Once I did this amazing candle meditation where my empathy expanded to include creatures all around the world. And I could feel myself as a whale swimming in the ocean, and then an ant walking along the edge of a leaf. When I went really manic there was one point when my empathy expanded again to include all kinds of animals, and I had a really hard time eating meat.

Actually I'm having a hard time eating meat sometimes. It's been difficult. I don't know what that's about. I like meat, I just don't know, if I had to kill it myself I might not be able to.

I read recently about a man in Austria who kept his daughter locked in the basement for over 20 years and fathered seven of her children. Pretty horrid! How can something like that happen? Some people. I wonder what his sentence will be. And three of them never saw the light of day. Ugh!

My dog had a bad night, poor baby. I came home later than I'd hoped, and he was all excited to see me, jumping up and whinging away, and then about half an hour later he started throwing up, and didn't stop for an hour. and he started crying too, poor little guy. Anyway, he's MUCH better this morning and we went for our little walk and stuff. But now there's still puddles of dog puke I have to clean up. He puked so much eventually he was just puking foam. Poor dude. Thats a gross story for you.

I like living in this coop, and I'm starting to get used to taking the long bus. It's actually only about half an hour to get downtown, which isn't bad.

My cuz who had the manic episode is Captain Sleepypants. She crashed at my party around nine thirty and slept until noon the next day. When I went to visit her she was also very sleepy. I guess it's a combination of recovering from mania and getting used to the medication. Which reminds me, I have to pick up my meds today.

Alice B Toklas Brownies

Today is my thirtieth birthday. The main things I have to do are clean up a bit, make pot brownies, and await my guests. It's a classy meal of pizza after hot dogs and hamburgers were stricken from the menu when we couldn't move the barbecue over to my place. So pizza it is.

I don't know who will show up. It might just be a small crowd, but that would be nice too. I think the pot brownies in lieu of a birthday cake is a pretty good idea, but we'll see. Also I've been sick and it's no good me trying to smoke it, because all it does is make me cough and cough. BLEH!

My mother is also sick. I'm over at her house right now waiting for her to finish her nap. She's supposed to take me out for a few things. And I want to get home and get started on those brownies. Making them I mean. I doubt it will take very long. The most involved part is extracting the THC, but I think it should go tickety boo. I've never made pot brownies before, so this is all new for me. I don't think I've even ever had a pot brownie. I've had pot cookies, and other kinds of pot things. I had a drink once that made me hallucinate, I don't know what was in it. But it sure was good.

So I didn't have crepes for breakfast, which kinda sucked, but oh well. No mimosas either. I guess I should get makings for mimosas. It's hard planning your own thirtieth birthday party.

I feel, well, I'm finally thirty. I didn't really think I would make it this far. I outlived Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain! And yet I haven't nearly achieved as much fame. Oh well, something to look forward to in my thirties. I was so sure I'd be dead by now. And I'm not! And to celebrate, we're having Alice B Toklas Brownies! From Duncan Hines.

I'm trying an oil based recipe, it's supposed to be easier than extracting from butter. BUTTERS! That's my favorite character on South Park. My socks are even matching today, that's how mature I am at 30.

Although 30 is supposedly the new 20. Which means, I'm 20 today! What! NO! I will not go through my 20's ever again! Once was enough!

Bed

I've been sick the past few days with a cold. It's not NASTY or anything, but it's no picnic either. I have been coughing and sniffling for ages it seems. It's slowly going away, but I've still got this heavy feeling. And with my birthday only days away! 2 days till my party! I feel like a slug. I should clean up but
+maybelater
My dog is resting his snout on the keyboard.

I hate being sick. Poo!++++++ ++Uh +oh++++
+
++++
Wel++l++ +h+++th+++i+th++is arangement is n+t working,+ dog!

Okay, I think he stopped.

I'm going to bed, what am I doing tryingto write a blog in this condition!

Blah to the weather and blah to the cold!

The weather here has decided it is still winter, it's weird. It's snowing outside as I type this. Just when I got a nice apartment with a huge balcony! I had to bring two plants inside.

Mum and I have been toodling around getting nesting materials for my new home. I GOT A SET OF HULA GIRL PATIO LANTERNS> fuck1 I have a problem with my computer, in that sometimes it decides certain things need all caps.Anyway, I hate this snow and stuff. It's driving me crazy.

Sleeping here is good, it's a quiet building. I really like that about it. I've moved my birthday party to here. It's coming up on Saturday! Saturday I'm going to be 30!

So I've been trying not to let the snow get to me, but now I also have a cold to go along with it. I could feel it building up all day, and now it's hit. Bleh! I hate being sick. If only I had some cold killing meds. Pooh!

I had one year when I used to get sick all the time, every cold that came by I would get. My immune system must have been shot!

Moved

Well, I've been happily moved into my new apartment. I've been busy getting all hooked up, and spending a lot of time here. This is a place I will stay in for years and years. I hope. I think I'm done tromping around the country. And it's a really nice apartment, there's so much room! I'm still amazed at that. It really is a home. It's way nicer than my old place. I've been running around unpacking and generally getting the place in order. Cleaning. Finally my dog has calmed down enough and is just napping on the chair. The animals have had a rough time settling in. Sometimes Schrodinger wanders around crying. Poor kitty cat!

I am really liking living here. So far I've had three visitors come see me. It's a nice space for hanging out and feeling groovy. And creative. There's nice energy in here. I got plants the other day, some ivy, some gerbera daisies, some thing called a Ponytail. It's funky looking.

It's kind of weird finally being here because I'm probably going to stay here for a very long time. I can't envision losing this place, it's so cheap for what I get. 530 a month for a decently sized apartment!

I'd never get this kind of place if I lived in Vancouver. I'd never be able to afford this place either if it wasn't a co-op.

Co-op living!

In 45 minutes my mom is picking me up to have dinner with the grandparents. I think I'll bring Mister. He's looking depressed, sitting on the chair.
There, I just took him for a walk. He's perked up. Poor little dude.

Moving still . . . .

So the mover fucked up his back and they couldn't move me today. Tomorrow at 10 they'll finally load up all my stuff and take it to the new place. Of course the bed is taken apart and so I have to sleep at Mum's.

I went and saw the new apartment, it's very cute and exciting! There's a small kitchen and a dining room and a big living room and a largish bedroom. And a storage room, which is really a ROOM. I think the animals will be very happy there. In the storage room. No, they get the run of the whole apartment. Schrodinger will be an apartment cat again, he'll be so grumpy. And it's not too far to get Mister out and onto some grass to have a poop.

We're going out to get him some new squeaky toys and stuff to say Hello to the new apartment with.

I met my neighbor already, which was nice. They only do things like that on Wisteria Lane!

Yesterday I got myself a housewarming present of an elephant teapot with an elephant sugar bowl. Today mum picked me up a kit-cat clock. It's really cute! It's eyes go back and forth along with it's tail. And they're pricey! I think. Oh anyway, it's really funny.

It goes nicely with my lime green dachshund lamp.

I'm so excited about my new house, it's hard to sleep thinking about tomorrow and how I will finally be in my new place. With my animals! I went crazy at Petsmart buying them toys. I got Mister a new seatbelt, since he outgrew his old one and I think he's coming traveling with us this summer, so he'll need one. Without a seatbelt he just gets wiggly all over the car and it's not good. I also got them a new water bowl. Schrodinger got some new toys too, and some catnip.

Soon I will be living with a dog and cat to look after all by myself! It's kind of a lot of responsibility. I hope I'm a good mother. And Mister will need to go outside a lot. I'm glad they have each other, they won't get lonely. No only child problem here! Anyway, I have to get up early to get a mcmuffin and move my stuff, finally finally! So goodbye!

MOOOOOVING!

Today I've done so much already and I have MORE TO DO! I'm packing up all my belongings to move into the new place, and it's a pain in the arse. at least now I have all of my camera together. My mother was helping me a lot, which was really nice of her because she has far better organizational skills than I. Maybe I am saying goodbye to my computer before it's gone for good. Oh so sad! Little computer! Not gone for good, gone for 18 hours. So long! No internet for me.

The good news is I am getting cable! No more facebook stalking for me! Now I can watch Britney Spears news! I wonder what meds she's on. I like the ones I'm on actually. Anyway, yes, cable television. I'm thirty and I'm finally getting cable. Now I can watch whatever is on television these days.

Desperate Housewives!

I can rekindle my crush on Marcia Cross and watch agog every week. She is pretty hot, and I think I still have pictures of her in her underwear somewhere around here.

Well, it's officially time to take apart my computer desk and eee, so wobbly it is! I bought myself a housewarming present, it's a white elephant teapot, with an elephant sugar bowl. I hope it works well, teapots can be tempemental.

Anyway, that's the end, until my move is finished.

Happiness

Do you remember the Nothing in the Neverending Story? That was so scary. I feel like that sometimes when I'm depressed, like there's a great big NOTHING gobbling up all the joy.

I'm relatively happy today. I had a good time with my mom at her house after she helped me clean and pack. Then it was nice and warm and sunny and I spent time with the dogs on my mum's porch. And I read about the pregnant man, which was interesting, I know someone with the same situation though. And I've heard of other transmen being pregnant, I wonder why this one hit the mainstream media.

It was a beautiful day. I think when all my moving is done I should help mom clean her porch so we can eat out there. I have four weed seeds sitting on my desk. I wonder if mom saw them.

Last summer, a marijuana plant grew uninvited in her back garden. One day she said to me "What, is THIS!?" and waved around a small smelly green weed. Well, it really was weed. And how it got there nobody knows. Although it probably fell out when someone was rolling a joint.

Pot has been around forever. So have tattoos.

Logical? Nope, guess not.

So I took the bus all the way to my mom's house only to find she locked me out! So no making phone calls. I should have just brought those numbers home with me, to be perfectly sensible. But I'm NOT sensible!

So then I took the bus home. And now I've smoked a joint and am thinking about cleaning. Thinking, mind you. The cleaning part probably wouldn't be so much work if I would just get to it instead of wasting time thinking about doing it and what needs to be done. Blah to cleaning!

So I won't think about it, I will write here instead.

I'm listening to Bjork's Hyperballad. It's so sweet. Reminds me of being a teenager.

A confused horny teenager.

I kind of miss how horny I used to be. But maybe that was really my manic side. Oh man! I can recall mildly manic episodes in high school, but I guess I just thought it was hormones. Either way, being manic can bring on the hornies. Look at Britney Spears, when she couldn't find Adnan, she took home some other paparazzi! She's in bed with the paparazzi, that's like, the lowest you can go! All because of manic hornies.

I feel ridiculously LEVEL. Just totally even. I haven't felt like this in maybe ever. I guess the medication really does work.

I had this friend in high school who used to constantly tell me "It's not LOGICAL!" I just spent ten minutes reading the definition of an non sequitur and my head is spinning. Logic is funny. It's like, just be sensible man! But I am NOT sensible.

Are UFO's logical? I kind of think so. Space is so big and people somewhere probably came up with a way of traversing the universe. We've only had a space program for a relatively few years in the grand scheme of things. Plus I've seen them, with my naked eyeballs! Not more than a mile away!

I can't remember what we argued about when she told me to be more logical. That was so long ago, I only remember the admonition.

I wish mania was more logical. I mean, it's all based in signs and symbols and synchronicities. it doesn't make any sense at all, and it just jumps around from thing to thing.

Blah to Mania!

It seems I am selling work to the National Gallery in Ottawa. Pretty cool! I hope if they screen a bunch of it I get to go out there, I could hang with my friend Ariel. I don't really know anyone else who lives in Ottawa. I know people who go there a lot.

Today I accidentally stood up a friend by forgetting to meet her. I was so confused. I ought to start writing these things down. Is it the medication or the bipolar? Who knows?

I drank three beers tonight. That's like, my limit. and I've been invited out again. i should stay in. I don't know. I ran into a cute person again today, which was kind of nice because we actually met this time. If I go out again, she still might be traversing that way. But I feel sleepy, and it's nearly 11 o'clock.

Had a nerdy conversation about the differences in using HD in regards to the file size on computers.

Trains

Being a prairie girl, I found the idea of trains terribly romantic. I used to watch them with my cousins on the sound barrier behind our grandparent's place. Once my cousin Luke jumped on one and held on for a few feet. Only now do I realize he could have had a terrible accident, but I remember it so clearly. It was a crazy boy thing to do.

They make a great noise. I used to like listening to them in the distance in the house I was a small child in. It was so haunting, a sound that seemed to belong only to the night.

I was 21 when I first rode a train, in Germany going overnight to Paris. The reality of riding a train kicked in, the damn thing kept stopping the whole time, jarring me out of my sleep. Plus it was freezing in the car, we didn't find the heater until the next morning. Ugh!

I don't know why I wanted to talk about trains. They just fascinate me. Once an ex was going to go train hopping for a vacation, I was so shocked. She shocked me a lot.

The city that rhymes with fun

I have spare Risperdal coming out of my ears. I don't know what to do about it. There were two weeks when I could find any and thus didn't take any (bad me), but I did find them eventually. But anyway, now I have boxes of the stuff I don't need. I don't know what to do with it. I should probably take it back to the pharmacy, but how embarrassing.

My tattoo is healing nicely. I'm down in Regina today visiting my cousin Deanna. She's got a really nice apartment.

I don't feel like such a victim of the psychiatric establishment anymore. My last psych trip was quite nice really, except I hated sharing a room, oh man. You can't masturbate! Some people can masturbate in the shower, but I need more time than that. It's such a chore sometimes really.

Today I am off to see the Warhol exhibit at the art gallery. Then maybe to WOT to get a weird t-shirt or something.

Except there is no phone here. Oh man! That sucks! I'll have to walk somewhere and call a cab. Poop.

Well, I had better be off!

Scales of Blood: My Dragon Tattoo

My arm is currently really really sore, but I just smoked a joint so maybe that will take the soreness away. I went in and got most of the work done on my dragon tattoo. Now we're just working on the colouring, which looks really cool. But holy hell, the line work on it was so onerous. Just scale after scale oozing blood. I managed 3 and a half hours before I gave up. I was like, wincing the last five minutes or so. It's so fucking intense. Being tattooed. Then we had to do touch ups on two other tattoos. Oh man, it hurt! I felt like a baby.

Oh man, but when I came home I laughed so hard because the front guy for Nickelback sucked himself off in exchange for a case of beer when he was 14. What a gooney reason! I hope it tasted decent. The beer I mean.

Last night I ordered a pizza and 2 litres of Pepsi and they sent it in this big fountain drink containers. How useless is that?

What do you call an Indian without lips? Pointless.

OMG, someone on Skype, back when I was having those troubles, asked me if I was a "red Indian." I'm actually more like a taupe colour, or light pink. Not red or brown even.

It's a really nice piece of art. It's got stripes like a snake, a corn snake. The dragon I mean. Not Skype, or even the frontmans penis.

I will take a photo of it when the bandage comes off tomorrow.

I used to really admire people with tats because it was such a commitment. This is the most visible tattoo I have, well, the one on my neck is pretty visible too. When I was growing up I never imagined I'd get as into body mods as I am. I think body mods are sexy, unbelievably so, because it's all about owning your own body.

I'm finally getting used to my newest piercing, my labret. I've played with the damn thing all the time, and it's still healing normally.

Random Hawksley Workman Song

Striptease for me baby . . .

The Boy Side rambles.

I guess even though I've decided not to transition, I acknowledge I have a boy side to myself. It's kind of obvious, but I never really consider it much of a bother. It used to really bother me in high school, growing up butch in high school is hell. Bleh! But then again, isn't everyone kind of awkward in their bodies at that age? I was so confused, I wanted to fuck super femmey girls, but I didn't particularly want to look like them. No one really explained butch femme to me at that age, it would have helped to know more about the erotic dynamic I eventually ended up with.

I'm in the process of cleaning my apartment. I decided first I would do the dishes. This was a larger task than I had originally anticipated. Currently some particularly foosty dishes are soaking in the sink, although I did get quite a few clean before having to give up.

I'm also trying to bleach some KoolAid stains from the counter.

I've let my apartment get WAY past it's happy point. It's a great mess.
Now it's much later and I am listening to my coveted HK119 cd. I've already downloaded it to my iPod. AND I got a new Morcheeba album. I'm trying to make a point of buying music, for the sake of musicians everywhere. I download top 40 songs though. Is that a sin? Probably. I should be whipped.

none of my friends are around right now for me to bother. I'm still waiting to hear my friend Robin tell me of her adventures in Vancouver. She's been posting great pictures in her facebook of her trip, including a hilarious photo of an egg/sausage/hashbrowns breakfast sitting next to a full on plate of sushi!

Oh yes, that reminds me, the Saga of the Keyboard. Well it went to pay for my tattoo and some beginner now has it, and is playing his heart out I hope. I sold it for 220. Not bad, but still a financial loss for me. I bought it for like, $280. And it's been barely played with. Anyway, the silly thing is gone. I hate manic spending sprees. At least a tattoo is going to be forever. I'm excited about my new tattoo. It's a dragon the colour of a corn snake. I got it to remember a bunch of people who have passed on, so basically it's a memorial to all my dead friends and relations. Sort of weird I guess, but it makes sense to me the way my brain connects them all. Plus I wanted something colourful and big to go with my flames. So a dragon fits.

Oh man, I haven't checked my dishes. I just got stood up to go out to Lydias! can you believe the nerve! LOL, I wasn't feeling up to going out, I am going under the gun tomorrow. Getting a tattoo is like a ritual almost. I like how it works. It will be an interesting afternoon. And then no hottubbing for me for a while. Boo hoo! No HOT TUBS! Sad me.

oh man, my computer is doing things of a stupid nature. I just made my first iPod playlist so I can listen to all 62 songs I'm listening to most frequently these days.

My computer lost about half it's library back when I departitioned my hard drive. Oh man, don't ever partition a Mac hard drive, it's just a stupid pain in the neck. And then I have this other hard drive that has 200GB on it, so I'm hoping that's enough to make this whole video on.

Oh oh oh! I can put my film back on my camera! I'm going to go test my camera's interface with my computer, I will report back later.