The entry in which Thirza's phone gets cut off

I have yet to hear the results of my ultrasound. I am expecting the worst. I was reading how gallstones form and it sounds an awful lot like my lifestyle. And I have talked to friends my age who have already HAD gallbladders removed.
Apparently you fart a lot while you recover. How embarrassing! I hope I am not recovering with some snotty stuck up person who will scold me for farting so much.
I'm recovering from some depression. It started because I was lowering my dose of antidepressant and my mood got destabilized. Which sucks because I was doing so well. But HOPEFULLY it will be going away soon, I already upped my antidep before the psychiatrist said it was okay. So I have another week or so before I will know for sure if this gets me back to normal.
Depression sucks. It makes everything seem so bleak.
Bleak!
I haven't been cleaning much either and that depresses me. It's terrible to come home to a messy house.
My phone line has been temporarily suspended! Fock! i don't know how much longer I will have the internet for!
I'm in trouble! Poopy! I need to learn to stay on top of bills.
My television got cut off a while ago too, I knew this was coming. Oh well.
Better luck next time.
I have made some videos since my blog was in limbo. I made a video called You Are A Lesbian Vampire. It is pretty funny and got a good review in NOW. It has screened in Toronto twice, Calgary once, and Vancouver this summer. I am hoping for more!
I got to go to the screening in Toronto, the premiere! That is when it got the good review.
I need to work on my videos more. What I also need to do is clean. My mum is picking me up this afternoon for some errands. I could do some work before then, especially since now I don't know when she is coming and can't call her!
Well I got shit to do and no way of hearing from the doctor about my ultrasound. They will have to call me at my mum's.

Awry

I am still recovering from Pride! I stayed up until 3:30 am last night, I am so tired!
I can't party like that again for a while. I am going to have to take a break, maybe just do some fun summer activities like go to the beach or sit in the park by the river. Eat ice cream.
I need to expand my repetoire of fun things to do without getting crunk. I feel like I'm just a one note girl.
I'm getting tired. I was going to write something glorious that came out of my bum, but I've realized I can't do it. And I have to get up early and go to the doctor's to get my ingrown toenail cut. Apparently the only bad thing is when the needle goes in. I hate needles and yet am intrigued by them. Not in a heroin way, or in a medical way, more in a play situation. But I am not looking forward to this visit at all, I am terrified.
This is not the only medical visit I have to take this week. I have to go to my psychiatrist's, and get an ultrasound looking for gallstones!
It's pretty crappy. I'm 31 and feeling it! My body is now a mess of different things going awry.
I'm wanting some romance this summer. Someone who doesn't mind that my body is going to hell and I might need to get surgery. My first surgery! Oh woe is me.
I also have work tomorrow, and I worked a full shift on Saturday right between the parade and the dance. I'm so tired now. Dammit, I was going to write something better. Oh well, I will be home tomorrow afternoon to show off my toe!

Bad Habits, And I Don't Mean Naughty Nuns

I recently, like, this morning, bought a pack of cigarettes. I have started smoking again, and I'm going to quit again. But I feel dumb, I hate my addictions and bad habits. They are starting to catch up with me and cause problems in my life. Smoking itself is one big problem, namely the health concerns, and then the no girlfriend concerns. But here I am, poisoning myself again just because I can't handle the OTHER issue, which is cutting back or cutting out my pot use. I've been trying to cut back since January, and it's difficult. I've achieved some long stretches of no use, but still go back to pothead tendencies.
I have some other bad habits, like getting a messy apartment and not cleaning until I could call those How Clean Is Your House ladies to come over and scold me while showing me how to use biological powder to clean nearly everything.
I'm a mess still. Not emotionally, but I have some bad crutches I have grown used to over the years. Maybe I am a mess emotionally and am covering it up with some bad habits.
Either way, at the beginning of this year I was going to try and make some major changes, and I am still working on them. It's a long slow process, and not the instant prestochango I was hoping for. I was hoping I would just magically be a better person by January 2nd, smoke free, drug free, exercising and cleaning. And it didn't happen! I think the process of change is very slow.
I remember when I was a kid the beginning of the school year at a new school always felt like an opportunity to be a new person, smarter, cooler, hipper. So cool nobody would think I was cool. Instead the same old shy person trotted out.
I wonder if personality is genetic.
My father also has one of my aforementioned bad habits, and I won't mention which one, but I remember it from when I was a baby and I always associated it with nice feelings of being a baby. And now I do it! A lot! Is it genetics, or is it just me?
I wish I was talking about Naughty Nuns instead of Bad Habits.
Which reminds me, my Nun Satan porn got legs and walked out of my mum's basement and vanished. I suspect a rogue cousin stole it. But I can't prove anything, besides what other perv would take my smuggled porn?? I had to go to GERMANY to get that comic!
This means I have to go back to Berlin and find that comic.
Or look on Ebay, but I would prefer it NEW! Secondhand porn is gross, and I'm still shocked anyone would want MY secondhand porn.
I do not consider porn a bad habit. I really don't have much porn. I don't rush out and buy every new issue of Club or anything.
I'm depressed, and I think it's about my bad habits. I feel again like I would be a bad girlfriend, just based on my bad habits. Dammit! And I don't want to twelve step or even two step, I just want to knock it off. Stop acting like a bad teenager. Or twenty something. Or whatever I'm not supposed to be anymore that I'm 31.
Yes, I am 31 now. I actually was in the hospital on my 29th birthday. The hospital, where I painted all the blocks. I still have them, some of them are very pretty.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, so maybe I can talk about some of this stuff.
I don't know how much of it relates to my mental illness. I know a lot of crazy people who are messy and smokers of tobacco and pot, who barely exercise and stuff. But is it just bad habits or indicative of something more?
They say substance use is high with persons with mental illness, and then they try to say it causes mental illness, but I think we just like the altered state, especially if the present state is not agreeable.
But I can be feeling fine and still want to get blotto.
I just want to feel like a grown up. Someone who takes care of themselves and doesn't waste money by smoking it. At least I still have the desire to change.
In other news, a friend I thought I had lost for good during my manic episode has agreed we can send emails. Which is really nice because she writes great emails, and because I have missed her everyday since I went crazy.

Life With Mister

I didn't know what else to write about, besides maybe talk about my dog, Mister.
He's laying beside me right now chewing on a rawhide bone. Earlier in the day he decided he wanted love right in the middle of my Tarot reading. And when I woke up this morning, he was patiently waiting by the bed. Whenever I come into the apartment, he does his crazy kissy dance routine all over me. He's pretty sweet.
He is a wiener dog, and he was supposed to be my psychiatric service dog. Life had other plans. I did come into contact with a woman who taught psychiatric service dogs, but while he's good with depression, he is NOT good with mania. I was just moving around too much, and he's a little guy so he got freaked out and spent time under the couch. He slept with my mom instead of me, and I barely slept.
But we're fine again now. But no, he cannot be a service dog. On the other hand, he is a good companion and therapy animal. He likes being held and he's very engaging, he keeps me from being stuck in my own head.
He is marching in the parade with me this year. Although I am worried about him getting stepped on. But he's done it two years in a row. I keep talking with my mum about organizing a wiener walk, but so far it has never happened. Mum just got a dachshund herself, a smooth coated black and tan girl named Hermione. She's super cute. This is her birthday month. When mum first got her it was so cold and we cut up one of my wool socks and made a sweater for her. She was THAT tiny.
Even though the psych service dog thing didn't pan out, I still am pretty happy with Mister. He makes me smile. Whenever he's away from the apartment it feels lonely. I like living with animals.
Here is a wiener dog from the Ministry of Funny Walks!

Pride week in Saskatoon

I haven't gone to any Pride events yet. I figure I will blow my wad at the parade and the dance. I haven't got anyone to go to the Dance with me yet, like a friend I mean. I will probably go with my cousin.
I went out to Diefenbaker Park last night with an old friend, where we drank hot chocolate and talked about old relationships and future relationships. Damn she has some intrigue in her life. I feel like I am not getting out there enough. I should advertise myself!
Never mind that, I've had several personal ads running here and there, and have only ever gotten a handful of responses that seemed remotely interesting in all those years of doing online ads. And I hate writing the about me sections. I always feel like I should mention the bipolar thing, but I don't. Not that I wouldn't, I'm pretty open about it.
It just seems like bipolar almost automatically adds a layer of drama to relationships. You know what I would like to read? A book about how to have a relationship written for people with bipolar. I don't know if it would help. I used to spend my evenings sitting in the self help section of Chapters reading all their books. They didn't care, and I did buy books enough for them to leave me alone. I just didn't want to pay for self help books. I learned all about "I" statements there. Come to think of it, I think an ex read those same self help books because she used all that lingo.
I also used to read all their paranormal stuff.
I had a couple years there where paranormal stuff kept happening to me. That was weird.
It will happen again, I am sure.
I wonder when the world will acknowledge that we've been getting visited by aliens!? At Cranberry Flats?!?
I realize this entry is not much about Pride. I like Pride, it's one of my favorite times of the year, mainly because there are so many hot cuties that come out of the woodwork. I've never had a girlfriend in the same city as me during Pride. Kinda sucks. and I've never gotten laid during Pride either. And yet every year there's that feeling, maybe this will be the year me + some girl will collide during pride = sex. Even though the track record is going against me, I still clean up and try to be sexually presentable Just In Case.
Who knows, maybe this year if I recondition all my leather I will win a sweetie! I'll put it on Facebook, just to make sure everyone knows I'm all ready for someone.
Well Mum will be here any minute to take me to see my dog, who's just gotten shaved! Little Mister! He's living with me now and it sure is good having a pet.

A long recovery to today

Well as you can see I am writing sensibly again, which isn't as much fun as the 200 hypergraphia entries, but oh well. I still find some of the things I thought about when crazy somewhat seductive, but there isn't much I can do with seductive thoughts besides make art.
My most recent work of art is a video I am currently editing which I got a grant to make about my family's home lands. Do not ask me how it is going, I don't want to say. And don't ask me what position I am taking because I don't really know much besides I have three hours of footage and need to condense it into a short snappy half hour of family history. Right now it's 45 minutes long, too LONG! Fifteen minutes I don't need.
I have been single for the last two years as well, no intriguing ladies milling about in my life. Well, that's kind of a slam against all the women I know, let's just say no romantic intrigue. When I think about it seriously I don't think I was ready to have a relationship, I needed to do a lot of healing about a lot of different things and I think I would have relied too much on a woman to keep me together. As it is now I am pretty together. I've been dutifully taking my medication (but forgetting the morning meds now and again) and I have even been working besides the year I got to just be a famous artist. Well, I was working then too, but not at a job. It seems that every so often I get the opportunity to be a full time artist, and then work can go stuff itself. I like working for myself.
The screenplay is finished, although I am open to rewrites if I find a producer who thinks that would be a good idea. I've realized that I am not the self producing type, at least, not with features. Too much work and I need to concentrate on the creative stuff.
I currently have an interesting part time job I like, which is good. I've been working for the telephone company and I like it much better than call centres, although in a way it is a glorified call centre. But inbound, no more calling people at home and bothering them.
Call centres have been my bread and butter for most of my twenties.
Now I am in my early thirties. It's nice so far, I feel more confident about myself and I don't feel self conscious about dorky things having to do with me, like listening to Roxette, which I used to be closeted about, and also thinking Louis Riel was the messiah. Well that's not really dorky, just kind of interesting. He did say he was the prophet of the new world. He was also highly manic depressive, and I'm surprised no one ever thought to point out that the government executed a mentally ill person.
I don't mind being called mentally ill, although I notice none of the professionals working with me use that term. It's always Bipolar diSordeR, which isn't as much fun to say as Manic Depression.
I currently have a very good female psychiatrist who has gone above and beyond what psychiatric care I have recieved in the past. She's sent me to light therapy groups, she's told me to try vitamin d and omega 3s, she sent me to a dietitian, and she even reduced my meds this year when I told her the Seroquel was making me too sleepy to get up in time for work and the antidepressant was killing my sex drive. I did gain some weight, I'd gone down fifty pounds with all the walking I did while I was manic, but I have gained that ALL back plus about ten pounds. The manic exercise and diet routine does not have long term benefits.
I also have a good psych nurse at the community clinic. And my gp, who is on maternity leave now, visited me in the hospital several times to check on how I was doing.

So I have much better psych care than before, no diss to my gp but a psychiatrist has specialised training in matters of the brain and the chemicals that get it to work properly.
It's funny having one such TERRIBLE experience with psychiatry, like being restrained and shot in the ass with Thorazine in Montreal for trying to make a phone call during nap time, compared to when I ran away from Hantelman and when I came back they just asked me to pee in a cup. They didn't even scold me!
It's funny that I've had some of the bleakest depressions but what makes me end up in the hospital is always the manias. Some of my depressions probably could have done better with psych care in a ward, but I never went. Thought I could be stronger.
The summer I was in the home my friend Jasmine Turner killed herself. She had scars on her arms from when she'd tried the first time as a teenager. And then she just did it one day. I guess there was a note, but I didn't read it or hear what it said. I felt bad, like if only I had done something differently she would still be alive. It was a sad funeral, her son was just this little boy and he was still helping fill in her grave. Now he's in foster care, so sad. So are her other children.
I don't know if I was suicidal when I got out of the hospital, I sure was depressed though, as anyone would be when their seratonin's been used up. It felt bleak, like there would never be a time when I'd just be living independently again working on art and making a mess. But it happened. I used to visualize myself standing just below the summit of a mountain, unable to see beyond the mountain but knowing there was some great vista on the other side.
I got a dragon tattooed on my arm, for a few reasons. It's on my right arm, the Manic side, and is on one hand a reminder that mania can be destructive, and on the other hand is a memorial to my cousin Christopher. He had an obsession with corn snakes so it is made to look like a corn snake.
I am getting another tattoo this fall (I try not to get tattooed in the summers because that's swimming time and you can't swim for a month with a healing tattoo) of Cherry Blossoms on my left arm, the depression side, because when I would get suicidal in Vancouver I would promise not to do anything until the cherry blossoms came out in spring, and by then I was usually okay. When I think about it, god, it must have been the winters! I would always get depressed from the grey sleet, and here in Saskatoon, winters, while chilly, are still sunny.
I've been trying to improve myself this year. So far I've only managed ONE goal, to stop smoking. I really want to exercise and walk my dog more. But I'm not very motivated, I have to admit.
And now for Some Penguins! I taped these Gentoos and King Penguins in Scotland while I was there. I also got footage of a Rhino giving another Rhino a blow job (REALLY!) but Youtube took that video down because it was rude.

Fit Of Pique running again!

After two years of being locked out of my old blog, I have finally cracked my password and am currently writing in it. I have written three entries. I am pretty happy! I also got to read old emails, including the first email I wrote after my cousin Christopher died.
If only I could fuse both email and blog accounts and have one blog and one email! Oh well.
My arm is itchy. I have gone down to Step 2 of the patch and haven't noticed a big difference yet. I still have cravings to smoke SOMETHING, so I've been smoking some tobacco alternatives. No tobacco though. It's been 23 days? 22 days? A long time anyway. I have no desire to start again, just this need to smoke something or another.
I went to a BDSM munch last night and had a good time, met a lot of new people and talked kinky stuff. It was fun, and I am going to go back for the mid month coffee I think.
I'm so messy! I think I am going to clean today. I know, I always say I am going to clean and then nothing happens. But I really DO want to clean today and I'm not working so far. Plus I am getting a new couch tomorrow, well, an old couch from my grandparents, but it's new to me!
Well, I am going to go write in Fit Of Pique now, about I don't know what.

The Home

Living in a psych home is the ultimate in tedium and I have to admit, I generally just spent time at my mother's instead of trying to hang out there. I was living almost the whole time with women far far older than me, waiting for nursing homes at that point really, except for one other younger woman who moved in soon after me.
There just wasn't much to do. we had television. Most of the residents stayed there and didn't go out into the city. That was very depressing. And like I said, the rooms were shared so no rumpy pumpy even on your own. And I missed my dog especially, I went to Mum's all the time to see him. I also stored my pot at my mum's since I was in a sober living facility. There are only a couple homes in town that don't care if you do alcohol and some other drugs. And they aren't the kinds of homes you want to live in.
My roommate for most of the time was schizophrenic and we think had dementia. She was always talking about Indians or Cows in the backyard, and couldn't wipe her bum properly. We shared a bathroom so I knew the truth!
Shit all over the towels.
At the time I was still thinking about transitioning, and it was weird being male identified and spending time in an all female group home. On the other hand, it would have been weirder to be with guys. Which made me realize how difficult it is to be trans and crazy. I made a packer that I wore outside of the house sometimes and it made me feel better.
Shit, this typing is driving me nuts and I don't have much else to say about the home. Maybe tomorrow I will just skip ahead to today.

The Hospital

I'm guessing you will want to know what the Hospital was like for my last psych trip. Especially considering I wrote so much bad stuff about my first hospital experience as a nutter.
Well, it was okay! It was a nice big ward with an outdoor courtyard and you could go down to the river for a smoke. I started smoking again mostly to get out of the ward, and it was hard to quit again! I have quit now for three weeks.
There were a lot of movies to watch and groups to participate in. I don't know if I learned anything in group, besides to keep specifics of my looneytuneness confidential, but you all know I'm not good at that. We went on walks every so often around the university grounds, which was nice because you could see all the bunnies. There were a LOT of bunnies that summer, and a fellow bipolar even got me to come outside to look at a baby bunny that was in the courtyard, it was so cute! Every time I went outside the ward it seemed like there was another brown bunny munching on dandelions.
I was there for six weeks, I came home and was still emailing all the time and got sent back, not quite sane yet. I made some friends in there, one I still talk to on facebook and a few I've seen elsewhere. Some dude spit on me and my book in the ward and then disappeared, I think he assaulted another patient and got sent to a higher security ward. It was pretty weird getting used to the relative safety of the ward, have an issue and just take it up at the nurses station. But then I was released and scared of everything, scared of the randomness of people, especially after my cousin Steven got assaulted in his own home by some gang thugs.
But there were no restraints in the psych ward, no shouting orderlies, no one telling me I was wasting hospital supplies. I even ran away twice, went back with no big fuss.
The one things I didn't like was how I felt railroaded into going into a psych home after. I didn't want to go, and it was hard. I didn't have a room of my own for nearly six months, couldn't even masturbate I was so stressed. I was sad and in shock, especially because of weird things I had said, most of which are chronicalled in this blog. And I missed my best friend, who didn't seem to want to talk to me.
Although I found an email she sent to me after I lost my password, just checking in. And I missed it! Oh, so sad.
But in conclusion, the hospital was not so bad. The first one I was in my cousin showed up to and told me she'd been in five star hospitals and that the one we were in was a one star hospital. So I guess I was lucky enough to be in a four star hospital.
They're building a bigger version of it now, and I hear people get to have their own rooms. I sure hope so because not being able to get off is a major problem. Everyone, even mental patients, should be afforded enough privacy to masturbate.

How many years has it been? Far too long. I lost my email and blogger password in a fit of pique during the manic episode that ended this unusual blog, at least, it SEEMED to. And I did start another blog called Bipolar and Disorderly, which I have kept up dutifully, all the while mourning the loss of my beautiful Fit of Pique blog, which had followed me all those years.
Well Bipolar and Disorderly is about two years old now, when I finally sat down and decided to try and crack my damn security question. It was Who was your first teacher? And I couldn't remember until I finally did tonight.
This also means I finally have access to all my unusual emails to my then quasi girlfriend, who will remain unnamed, except as you can imagine in all the hulaballoo she disassociated herself from me.
I don't really blame her, and I am not looking forward to reading all the weird shit I wrote to her, so maybe I won't.
I haven't decided what to do with Fit Of Pique yet. As in, should I do the post manic pruning that I normally do with a blog after I've gone crazy? Since it's mostly the month of march and april that were crazy, I'll let it stay. Maybe. I don't know.
What I do know is that two years later I still have boobs and am planning to keep them. I do like being a boy, but I like being a girl too. I like being both, and for now playing with that is better for me with a butch female body.

Coming back here is almost like ressurrecting a carcass I thought was lost to the winds of mania. Mania can be such a destructive force. It destroyed one really good friendship and a whole lot of dignity. And it destroyed my memory. I was changing passwords during a bout of paranoia and that's how I lost access to my email. And I was being all sly and clever and then couldn't remember my settings. dammit!
That sums up the manic episode.
What I did for my banner relaxing summer apres les hopital was sit around watching American Movie Channel in a group home with some older women, as in seniors, and smoking kistemaw and listening to country. Ugh!
I went on a couple adventures that summer, like missing the last bus before curfew and having to call mum to drive me home from the racetrack, where I had gone to have just one beer and feel freedom. How depressing.
In fact it was a beautiful summer, but mostly depressing. I went to Banff and I was still over medicated and it was okay but not great.
Life after that got better, I moved into my own place, eventually moved into a place with my dog and cat, had a big grant, went to Scotland, America, a film festival here and there, worked in call centres again, and now I'm here, where I am, writing in a blog I thought I'd never get to write in again.
It's kind of an emotional moment. I've MISSED this blog, and have wanted to come back and write about what it's like to recover from my second manic episode.
I haven't had an episode since, not even a depression after the sad summer was over. I've been good. Messy, but good.

An artist working

I have approximately 3 hours and 15 minutes to work on my art practice, before work. Then I come home and work on it some more. I am trying to be more demanding and strict with myself, especially since I can hand in a rough cut to this festival in Toronto. Can I make it? I dunno.
It especially sucks because the festival in Toronto is SO GOOD and I want to premiere my little flick there. But I dunno if what I have is anywhere near good enough to get it into a festival as is. I don't even have my narration on it.
I have a very unhappy kitten on my hands. Schrodinger has been wandering around crying where ever he goes, I am sending him to my mom's to enjoy the outdoors, the big baby. I can't tell if he wants food or to go out, or both. Who knows?
Pride is coming up here, which is exciting! There's all kinds of events going on for the whole week, and if I get out and go to some I just might meet a cutie!
I'm still not smoking, in case you were wondering, but it's getting hard to keep my resolve again. It just seems so easy to have One smoke, the mythical one smoke before going back to your quit. But as they say, cigarettes travel in packs! I'm finally not letting people smoke cigarettes in my apartment and that helps a lot, plus the apartment smells nicer. I'm all abut things smelling good now.
I'm also working on this Mars Screenplay, which is only a short video at the moment but if I like it and get more ideas I may make a feature out of it. What am I going to do with my video? Should I send a rough cut with no narration? It seems INSANE! The narration is what makes the video! dammit!

I do love being a video artist. My ex Velveeta, who works primarily with Super 8 (besides her Elvis performances) says video is ugly. Aw, don't mock the video! Without it, how would teenage homos make their points? I think I might shoot my first feature on video. Hmm, it's a lot cheaper than film that's for sure, and it doesn't take as much lighting.
Well, how do your force yourself to write? Write write write. Bleh! I should format my narration so far and find out for sure how many minutes I have.

A ramble through the life of a non smoker who has bipolar disorder

Today marks the two week anniversary of quitting smoking. I am proud of myself! I think this is going to be the one. I have no desire to start up again either because I have gained valuable insight into what life is like to NOT smoke. The way my house smells nicer and all that. And then there is the expense. I saved $68.25. Well, not LITERALLY, I don't have $68.25, but if I'd kept buying smokes that's what I would have spent these last two weeks. Also according to my quit gadget, I have saved 1 day and 13 hours of my life by quitting.
Hey, my friend and cousin Deanna told me she read somewhere that there IS sex on the other side, but it's 100 times better and way longer than sex on this side of whatever thing you cross when you die. And they consider it souls merging to become one on that side.
Which is kinda what I think it is on THIS side too.
I'm listening to Peaches new album I Feel Cream. It's pretty good!
Fuck ya like a billionaire!
I'm doing pretty good. I was worried I would get depressed with my antidepressant going down, but I haven't! And my sex drive is back even though I am still on my antidepressant. So THAT's all good. I'm happy with that.
I have to do some writing for my video. I think I will do that today, it's nearly 1pm and I haven't been called in to work yet. It's kinda nice just hanging out. But the whole point of being on call and working part time was so that I could work on my art practice more.
Which I'm NOT doing, I am so dicking around. I don't know why, maybe I am waiting for inspiration to hit? That always happens to me. But I need to look over my footage again and really focus on it and turn it into something profoundly beautiful.
That's hard to do when I am always on Facebook.
Today for the first time this summer I put on shorts. It felt so liberating when I found out I could still fit them.
Psych meds put on the pounds, I am telling you! And like, ALL of them do that. I think I was on one that didn't and I went kind of crazy on it. I took two days of pills and then went cold turkey because it was too weird to be on. Wellbutrin. Also known as Zyban and used to quit smoking! It smells like rotting eggs. It's disgusting stuff.
Anyway, I'm happy that I'm the same size as last summer, because I didn't want to go out and buy all new shorts, like I've had to do for a few years now. It's a little demoralizing.
I don't mind being fat, but during the years I kept growing horizontally I just wanted it to quit already because of the clothing issues. Cute clothes one year wouldn't fit the next, and so I learned to rely on t shirts a lot.
But t shirts are only cute for so long.
I am thinking of getting pierced again, but I have to save up money for it. I also have to save up money for a tattoo.
Two of my cousins are getting all tattooed up and it's pretty cool to see. I think more of them have plans to get tattoos too.
Piercings and tattoos are so sexy. Except for sometimes. I mean, like some gory tattoo, that's not very sexy to me.
My ex had tattoos of worms on her shoulder and they were all smudgy, I don't think she liked them much. So far I don't have tattoo regret. I need a couple touched up, but I wouldn't change any of them.
My tattoo artist is working elsewhere, and I don't know where she went. I am bereft. No Dr Saffy and no Rachel!

Death, Smoking, And Sex

One time I was watching a newscast about pizza in Italy with my friend/babysitter Jasmine Turner. I remember a reporter asked this Italian kid who invented pizza. He said "the Americans!" and got the back of his head slapped by a passing lady. Jasmine cracked up, so did I, it was so funny.
Jasmine is dead now, she committed suicide almost two years ago. The last time I talked to her I was still coming down from the crazies. I miss her everyday. I think she is in a better place, away from users and abusers. But I still wish she was here, and I know her children who are in foster care have been cheated out of getting to know their mom as adults. That is really hard.
I am lucky to have survived suicidal nights. I remember a few nights when I came so close to doing it, so much emotional suffering and bleakness. It's like you can't see the future. It's so rank.
I haven't been depressed in a very long time now, almost two years. Although I have been a little sad lately.
I think I know why. I have quit smoking. It has been ten days since my last smoke and I'm doing well, doing the patch everyday and enjoying being able to smell the spring air and not smelling like a yuckster AND not tasting foulness. I can actually taste good food again! It's been quite liberating, but I notice I still have morning cravings if I forget to put my patch on.
But I miss smoking, I miss how it was always there for me. This idea (which I know is wrong) that I can relax with a smoke. That I can start the day with a smoke. It's so addictive, and they say it's harder to quit than heroin or cocaine!
I've been getting some good support about quitting, but the sadness comes in waves, especially when I realize I can't EVER smoke again, because I will just get hooked again.
Which makes me think about my old addiction to meth, a very very long time ago, and back to Jasmine, who was the one who told my mum about it and tried to get me to stop. That wasn't what made me stop. I was talking about it with a friend I met on the beach in Vancouver. I had just come off a binge and was dumped by Ivana, my best girlfriend. I was depressed and in danger of becoming dependent on meth. My friend must have noticed this because he then told me ALL about his addiction to meth and how he beat it, all these things it did to his body. I will always remember that talk on the beach. I never smoked it again.
Life is strange, so many things come and go, and death is an ever present force. I have lately lost some faith in what happens after death. I used to be so certain of an afterlife, and now I am not so sure. I haven't seen or heard from Jasmine again, except in a dream. I also dreamt of another friend who has died, Carla Marie Powers. I dreamt she had a girlfriend on the other side!
I often worry about whether or not there will be sex on the other side. I've heard various opinions, some people say it's a physical thing and then other people say it's a spiritual thing so who knows???
The one thing I am looking forward to because of quitting smoking is that my dating options will widen to people seeking a non smoker. Hurrah! I am now officially a nonsmoker!
Well enough silly rambling. I will write more when I have something else I am thinking of.
Oh, and by the way Dr Saffy had her baby, a girl!

I miss you Dr Saffy!

My doctor has gone on Maternity Leave until September 2010. OH! So long without her! She's my favorite doctor I have ever had and now she's starting her family so no more feeling reassured by her bedside manner.
In fact, even though she is a GP she did come see me when I was in the hospital and stopped by my bed. It was hilarious because I was half asleep and still mildly delusional and started talking about the importance of the Paris Expo. And she wrote it down in my file!
She looks kind of like Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous, so my mom and I call her Dr. Saffy. She's even super smart like Saffy.
It was really nice to see her at the hospital, she was one of the only GP's to do rounds in the psych ward. And it's so important to see people you know when you're in a place like that. I have always enjoyed seeing the people who have come to visit me, even when I'm in a funny state like that. I'm sure I said some crazy things to all of them, but mostly I just appreciated not being left to rot. I felt bad for some of the patients, like some of the elderly ones, who never seemed to get visitors.
I also feel bad for patients who have to rely on Medi clinics. Not having that regular continuity of care sucks. Even though my doctor's on leave, at least my file is still going to go to the next doctor and they'll see years of notes.
Dr. Saffy is the one who got me into the psych ward the last time, my mum was making appointments for me with her and talking to her about what was going on and I was just out of it so I don't really remember too much about my interactions with her. Just the appointment on the day of going in to the hospital and I was so sure I was dying because I felt weird and she said I was fine except she thought I needed to go to the hospital. And I trusted her so I went.
And it was fine.
She's been there for all kinds of medical issues, from burning off warts to doing pap smears to testing me for whatever bizarre things I thought I had, and sometimes I was
right.
Even when I was considering transitioning she was being an excellent doctor and looking into what my medical needs would be.
I will miss her terribly and look forward to being in her care again.

My gamer past

I've never been big into video games. I remember the first ones, that were just blocks of colour moving around like Atari's ET, which was the worst video game ever. All that would happen is he'd fall into a pit and you couldn't get out. His neck would move up and down and he'd walk back and forth, but that's all it was. ET falling into a pit.

And then there was Pacman, and I even convinced my mum to buy Pacman cereal. And then of course that notorious feminist Ms. Pacman.

Gauntlet was great fun, my cousin Luke and I used to go to the arcade on Broadway with some quarters and play for as long as we could. But because it was in an arcade, we didn't play ALL DAY! We could have though, it was fun.

Then there was Nintendo, with such favorites as Caveman Games, where the object was to do caveman things like start a fire with two sticks and swing a woman around by the hair and throw her. Yeah, I was a kid but even then I thought that was a bit much.

But Mario Brothers sucked up most of my time. Super Mario Brothers, all the way to Super Mario 4.

As an adult I've seen my best friend have a serious addiction to Katamari Damacy, and I loved that game too, enough to buy the PSP 2 console just to play it. But since Mario Brothers I've never had an addiction on a game. My Mum was addicted to Dr. Mario once, and another friend's mom was addicted to Legend of Zelda.

But today I came SO CLOSE to signing up for World Of Warcraft, thinking I should give it a chance. And then I thought, No. Too many people get addicted to that crazy game and let it suck away their lives.

I'm not big into video games anymore, but I sure do love facebook.


Here is someone more successful at ET than me.

Needs Curtains

The first time I went crazy I ripped all the curtains off the windows. And the weird thing is I remember how much work went into those cheap little curtains. A friend remarked how he had never gone into a house without curtains before.

I don't have curtains again, but I didn't rip them down in a fit of pique this time. They just never got put up. I was standing on my bed today and looking out the window and thinking to myself: If I ever want to convince someone cute to have sex in this room, I ought to have some curtains. After all, one never knows when something particularly acrobatic could occur.

Don't ask why I was standing on the bed.

Since lighting this love candle I've felt small changes in my life. My libido's going back to normal instead of non-existent, and I'm noticing cute women, and I'm actually curious about who I'm going to meet. Instead of just feeling sad about my last affair.

I mean look, I must be nesting if I am thinking about curtains. It's the practical things.

And I admit I have had some smokes. But I really am quitting this time. I keep putting my patch on and go for several hours before smoking. But even that has to stop, and it will.

I think I have an addictive personality. I like things that can fit in my routine and make me feel better. Like writing, or coffee, or cigarettes or any of my other vices. Well, writing's not a vice, except when you're suffering extreme hypergraphia and have manic energy and a world wide platform like the internet.

I've definitely had an interesting life so far. And I'm 31 years old now! I'm getting old. I still don't have many white hairs, but they are there. Actually I've found white hairs starting when I was nineteen. But there weren't many, ever, even now. My Grandpa's 90 and some of his hair is still dark, he doesn't have much dark hairs left, but still, at 90!

I had my bipolar duty to go get blood levels checked since they hadn't been checked since October! Anyway, I had thought it would be a smooth operation (I don't know why, my veins are little titchy goobs that no one can find!) so I was watching her put the needle in and then she couldn't get anything out of me but one feeble spurt. So she got another nurse (or technician or whatever they are) to do it and she got it really fast and it didn't involve all that poking around the last one did. OH MAN! I thought I was tough but I got a total queasy tummy looking at all that and all that pain and I was worried I was gonna throw up. And still I had to get a prescription and an appointment with the nurse, all while just wanting to go pop some gravol.

By the way, ginger gravol really works!

Grubby, but not grubs

It's high time I had a shower. Since lighting my love candle I have noticed myself taking care of myself better in the hopes it will attract someone more than grubby careless me. But my hot water is off because I couldn't pay the bill. So I am unable to shower unless I go to Mum's. And I haven't been to Mum's in a couple days.

Grubby me all over again!

When I got out of the hospital the first time I didn't shower as frequently as I should have. I was so depressed I didn't have the energy to shower, nor did I see the point.

The other day if you were around my house in the morning you might have seen a chubby half naked lesbian chasing a little orange pussy, and that would have been me. That bad Schrodinger got out and was making a daring escape for it while I was checking the mailbox. He's done this to me before, which makes me think I should change the way I check my mail. Wearing clothes while doing it would be a good start.

In truth I should get a bathrobe. I used to have one, but it got burnt because it was the bathrobe I wore for 6 weeks straight in the hospital. And it was covered with tobacco stains besides. Pretty gross!

I'm hungry. I'm waiting for my mommy to pick me up so I can have a shower and eat. I slept some this afternoon. Tomorrow I'm working two short shifts, with a doctor's appointment in the middle.

Oh noes! Nausea!

Maybe I should get some pepto bismol. I am home sick from work, I went and everything but as I was sitting there doing my job I started feeling REALLY sick, like seconds away from vomiting. So I had to go tell the in charge and go home and I feel bad about it. It seems to be passing, but then it will come back in like waves. Waves of nausea. GRODY!

So I'm home again. Wondering what to do. I have been wearing the patch for about three hours now and no smokes, but I might have ONE last one. I am wondering if I am getting nausea from the patch? I really shouldn't have one. Dammit!
See, this is what happens when you blog from freely flowing thought, you argue with yourself on live internet.

Okay, I'm having one but I put the rest of the pack in the freezer so I can't see it on the desk and automatically reach for one. I am smoking it now. I like not smoking, but there's always this idea that I can have the ideal last cigarette. Whatever that is.

And hopefully I don't drop dead after my last cigarette. But anyway, here goes.

So far it is like any cigarette I have ever smoked. It is merely average. It is a DuMaurier Distinct King Size. I've smoked a lot of different kinds of cigarettes, but this is the brand I smoked primarily, even though it was more expensive and I lived in Vancouver half of my smoking life with no treaty discount. All those taxes. This brand used to be known as DuMaurier Light King Size. They were legally required to change the name because it was alleged that people smoked lights more often because it sounded healthier, when they are all the same in regards to what they do to your body.

I used to really like smoking when I wrote.

One of the problems with my smoking is the ashtray. It often smolders and could possibly start a fire.

It never has, but one of my close friends started a fire with her cigarette. And all the spontaneous combustion cases I have heard of involved a smoker. Like poor Mary Reeser.

My smoke is over, and so is my smoking life. Actually it turned out to be a very nice smoke, because I thought so much about it and wrote this.

I'm looking forward to being a non-smoker. No more gross mouth, no more ashtray. No more smelliness. I never have a girlfriend when I am a smoker. And I've smoked on and off for eight years. My last dates were while I wasn't smoking. There is just something about it, I'm almost certain my pitiful love life has to do with my smoking. And probably the four combined years of recovering from episodes. All in all I've been always moving around or not able to be involved for whatever reason. It's been strange. But I'm still hoping that just by quitting smoking again, I will magically attract non smoking girls.

Right now my stomach feels fine. What if it's morning sickness?

An interesting fact: Parthenogenesis can happen to a woman all by herself, one egg will somehow (I forget how they explain this works) fertilize another egg from the same woman.

This makes me worry I am knocked up by some fluke egg collision.

Which is hilarious.

Another interesting fact: Since there are only X chromosomes in eggs, the resulting baby would be a girl.

It's also called Virgin Birth, as I mentioned in the last post, which makes me wonder . . .

If this is what happened to Mary, Jesus must have been a woman.

I don't know anything about intersexed people and parthenogenesis. So I'm not sure if Jesus could have been intersexed. But that's possible too I imagine.

So there you go, a female or intersexed Jesus. It boggles the mind. Well, not really.

Wet and Wild

It's a monday morning, I have to go to work soon but I thought I would write a small blog first.

I am quitting smoking today! Yes! I have the patch on, smoked my last three cigarettes, and am just going to quit like that.

My little kids are fine. I call them my kids but they are the dog and cat. They've grown up with each other and are best friends, it's very cute. When I first got the dog, the cat would attack him, and he was just a tiny bad kitten then. The dog was a year old already and would give me this look as the kitten was wailing on him and I would try to seperate them but the cat freaked out everytime I put him in another room or his crate just to give the dog some peace and quiet. Poor Mister.

In other news, I still seem to be hung up on my last, for lack of a better word, girlfriend. I miss her terribly and wish I could go for coffee again with her, because she was like my best friend while we were together and it was always fun, until I went crazy. She says she's forgiven me for all the crazy emails I sent her, but she doesn't want to see me again until I can be open with my friends about wanting to see her. I am open with my friends about wanting to see her again and they all just say that I should be over it already.

But I lost my virginity to her, which already makes her special, and then I fell in love with her twice, once when I was a teen and once when I was an adult, and it's hard to shake that. I really did want to just marry her and even have babies with her, though I don't know where we would get the sperm. When I was crazy I thought we could get a baby through parthanogenesis, and then it would be a virgin birth! And then we would raise some lesbian saviour or something. It was all very convoluted, and probably one of the reasons she doesn't want to see me again. Pushing my bipolar eggs on her.

I've been stable for a long time now and it makes me feel like I could do a relationship again, no major issues and all that. But I feel bad for my next girlfriend because I am still hung up on my last one. I know that's mostly because I haven't MET my next girlfriend yet and don't know all the delicious surprises in store, but I still feel like I'm cheating her out of having someone whose heart is fully open to someone new. Someone told me I should go for different types, but when I think of all my past lovers and people I've necked with, I've never had one distinct type or anything. I've had butch and femme lovers. And I fell in love with a butch once, really hard! I dunno.

Spring is bringing my sex drive back, but I am still seeing my psychiatrist this week to get a reduced antidepressant dose to try and bring me back to where I was, all wet and wild and happy.

Big Boned Gals

I worked my first midnight to seven shift last night and am still decompressing. I know I need sleep because at 10:30 i'll have been awake for twenty four hours, which can't possibly be good. Oh man! Oh yay, I am yawning! Well, what's new? I am doing relatively well, except for some financial issues which have impacted my life, but that happens all the time. Stupid bills.
I still have not had my major breakthrough with my video. I don't know why. I need to reinspire myself I think.
I started a love spell! It's not on a specific person, it's more a bring someone into my life kinda spell. Unfortunately I did not have the inside scoop on the best place to buy witchy candles, and I needed a pink one, and all I could find was a huge pink candle, which has been burned at regular intervals over the course of two weeks and is still only halfway down. I feel like it should have been a smaller candle. But who knows, maybe I will get bigger love!
I personally like big girls. I've dated all sizes of girls, but the bigger ones are just a little more sexy for some reason. I think because when I'm with a big girl I'm seeing a type of sexy naked body that isn't reflected in the media. So the rarity of it makes it more delicious. I've seen skinny naked girls everywhere, but chubby naked girls? Not since the pick a fold and fuck it ladies in the back of dirty mags. And you don't see the average chubby naked lady represented, it seems to be either skinny or hugely overweight, not those middle grounders.

Plus, I must say, big girls generally have big breasts. I do! And I like ample breasts.
Well, soon I am going over to mum's where there is no computer! Which means no internet. I have a fun fun day planned of sleeping and eating and waiting for the cuz to call and for us to go for some beers. It IS the weekend after all.

I am a bad blogger

I haven't been writing much lately, mostly because I am working so much right now. I haven't been working on my video either, like I said I would. I've been bad creatively altogether.
But my trusted psych nurse, who I see mostly because she gives me insight to things I otherwise wouldn't have, thinks I am in remission. I certainly hope so. It's been well over a year since I was depressed. And two years since I was manic. And I got to go off one drug altogether. I am doing well, to sum up. And no thoughts of conquering the world. It's been really nice.
I am up past my bedtime. I should get to bed soon. I just came from a lovely dinner party. I haven't been to one in ages, besides the ones my mom has. My mommy.

My Mum and I have been getting along a lot better since I moved out of her house. Unfortunately I owe her money. And it's about the same amount I owe to Student Loans.

It's not as bad as you think, I'm treaty, the vast majority of my education was paid for except for the tiniest fraction, which I got a student loan for. And some of it was already forgiven, and it was a summer session anyway. Still, I know just on principle I will pay my mum back before I pay my stupid tiny student loan.

Being in remission again makes me want to get a girlfriend. But where? So far two people on facebook have mentioned Toronto, but I don't particularly want to live in Toronto. And I had a girlfriend who lived in Toronto, and she wasn't interested in living in Vancouver until I moved away from it. And by then we were long since broken up because she said there was no way we could be together because of the distance. I remember I had a nightmare that she dumped me because of her phone bill, and that she would have kept going out with me if Sprint had done it's cheap long distance plan while we were still going out. Who knows.
I'm feeling optimistic about my future lately, not necessarily because of the job, maybe mostly because it is spring and everything looks better in the spring.

UFO's and Artist types

Well, me again.

I'm starting to feel more grown up and recovered than before doing all this work. It's given me some kind of structure and purpose, more than the call centre job I must admit. Because the call centre was something I had done for so long.

But I do really want to be making art too. I really like that. I need to figure out a way to make it so someday. Just live from grant to grant with some award money and stuff thrown in. Or win 649.

I don't get it. I think I blew my wad on Unusual Occurances Allowed Per Life like winning the lottery when Laurel and I saw those two UFO's out by Cranberry Flats. It was such a weird situation, because they were out there for three hours and we saw them show up. In that strange way they did, like streams of light bouncing back and forth in the sky in a circle, and then widening to oval white lights, and then an hour later they were green balls that were shimmering and starting to jump around in the sky, and then they could turn into solid balls of light. And we still don't know what they were, hence they were UFO's. What the hell? What the fuck was that? SO WEIRD! I wrote about it on my old blog, Fit Of Pique.

So seeing UFO's, AND winning the lottery? No way, I so don't see it. But it's nice to dream isn't it?

Being single for so long, I am starting to worry about myself. I used to get so many crushes, and I haven't had any for a long time. Not even an all consuming crush on a movie star. I'm not even aroused by Angelina Jolie anymore! Something is wrong. I am lowering my antidepressant soon in the hopes the problem will be alleviated. I feel chemically spayed. Blech.

I am saving up money for my next tattoo. I am getting cherry blossoms in an oval on my left forearm. I want them because I always used to get depressed in the winters in Vancouver and I would promise not to do anything until the spring, and by spring things looked way better.

I miss being in school, not enough to go back, but enough just to remember happy times when I was all hypomanic and editing all the time. I loved film school. I love film and video. I need to bring it into my life a bit more, it's my passion but I feel like in the last two months I have made no progress on my big project. I feel like a stagnant video artist. Terrible! Well if this is the year of big changes, then I will vow to work on my art more. I need to do some new comics too.

Anyway, I gotta crash. Night night internet world.

update

It's been a long time since I have written.

I have gotten a new job which has taken a lot of my time, not to mention my internet was down. DOWN! I hadn't been able to pay my isp for a long time, and they cut me off until I could pay. Which I finally have, and so I am writing from home, most happily facebooking and all those other things I do online.

I have a smouldering ashtray in front of me. Fucking ashtray.

I come up as number two in google suggestions when you type in Thirza! I'm famous! And I have a weird name!

I like being me these days. Which is good. I'm doing pretty well, and I can get up early for work, which is also good.

I've been so bored without the internet and television! NO SIMPSONS! Oh lord, it was brutal!

My mum is here to go online. I will write more later.

Looking for work in all the right places?

I've been doing well these days. I have a lot of energy, not manic energy, just a lot more since getting off Seroquel and drastically reducing my pot intake. I have an interview tomorrow with Sasktel to be an Operator, I'm pretty excited about this, especially since it pays 20 bucks an hour!!! I think I would be an awesome Operator, but I have to really think and spiff myself up so I Look good in the interview. I had to do a typing test and get 40wpm, and it freaked me out a bit when I was sweating and typing as fast as my fingers could fly. But I passed and moved on to the interview part of applying, so that's good.
There is also another job I am applying for, but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to talk about it much.
I"M SO TIRED! Oh man, I stayed up too late last night because I was reading my diary from when I got out of the hospital the last time, and it was kind of nice reading all that stuff, my thoughts. I lost my diary recently, I had a beautiful bluey green diary and it just up and walked out on me. I don't know where it is for the life of me. It MUST be in my apartment somewhere, I know I didn't take it out the door. There were some goals in there I wanted to achieve and now I can't remember what they are.
I'm sleepy! Wah!
I really do hope I get one of these jobs I am applying for, I need to get something that pays better than what I am making now. And I need to know I can move away from call centres into something else, something more substantial. Call centres have generally been there for me when no one else would hire me because I was too damn butch looking, but they don't pay very well and it's getting difficult to realize I do all this work for only ten bucks an hour. Even with a bachelor's degree. And I can't do film work, like, on set, because the hours and the stress of working on set for other people gets to me. I could be an editor quite happily, but getting yelled at everyday, nope nope nope. Nevermind that I get yelled at on the phones by people, that's different though, they just yell because they're annoyed, but on film sets people yell because they think that's how a set should be run. UGH!
I talked to my ex Velveeta last night, who is now an elvis impersonator (but not a drag king she says) named Velvis. You can see her here. She always makes me laugh, and she makes a great elvis!
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow so I should hit the sack. I'm showering in the mornings now, but my hair still ends up looking unruly, I'm growing it out and it's all kinds of bizarre right now. I just want to put a bag over my head until I can finally show off my new bright red locks.
Hey, my friend Shavonne has a new blog you should check out! And I mention this because she first posted the following video on her blog Tussy Talk and the song is now embedded in my head.
I Seen Beyonce at Burger King!

Some updates on this and that.

I didn't win 48 million, but I did get a nice artist fee that paid off most of my debt to my mom. And there's still the Millionaire Life draw!
I had a burger at the Broadway Cafe with Mum for dinner tonight, it was SO good! And I was SO hungry! I slept all afternoon because I was still tired from last night, Ryan Wonsiak had a goodbye party at Walkers and tons of people were there. It was a lot of fun, until the end when my drunk cousin Sharlene splashed a beer in her sister Deanna's face and it got on me. Deanna splashed back, which I think surprised Sharlene but I was kind of rooting for her to get back at her at that point. Do two wrongs make a right? No, but at least Sharlene had to suffer the indignity of being covered with beer too.
I'm drinking a beer and then I'm going to bed, I am still tired and the Seroquel withdrawals have eased up. I can now go to sleep much easier. I DID get pot to help me sleep, but I don't think I need it anymore. I'm sleeping good, and waking up nice and early. This afternoon I slept a lot, because I was up really late last night and still had to get home this morning to feed the animals.
I love my animals. Right now the dog is sacked out on his favorite chair and the cat is awol in the house, probably on my bed right now. The dog and I were wrestling earlier, he's fun to wrestle with. He does his play bow bunches of times and it's cute.
If you're reading this on Facebook, it is because I am importing my blog into my notes. No I don't usually write a lot of notes like this, this is just me blogging as per usual.
Well, it's almost 11 o'clock, time for bed! I'm liking going to bed early these days, I used to be more of a night owl, but I find going to bed at a set hour better for my bipolar.
So I'm off the seroquel and still doing well, next I'm reducing my antidepressant to get my libido back. I'm really worried about that, because I've had a terrible time with depression. But I will still be on it, just half of what I'm taking now. I have to wait to see my shrink before I cut back though.

Sooo TIRED!

I am in the process of getting off my Seroquel because it makes me sleep in way too much. But it's been two nights without it and I'm having a hard time sleeping. It's pretty frustrating, especially when I know that if I just smoked some POT I could get to sleep better. But I shouldn't self medicate, but OOOOH just a joint before bed would put me out. It's so bothering me.
It's Friday the 13th. I don't know why THIS day is supposed to be unlucky, hopefully nothing bad happens to me today. I'm home sick because of various reasons, mostly to do with feeling sick. BLEH!
I was going to apply to a call centre, but they are looking for speakers of native languages and I don't know much Cree besides Tansi Atim, which means Hello Dog! I don't think that would be the best way to address a person on the phone.
I do have an interview with RBC next wednesday, I'm pretty excited about that, I am applying to become a teller. Client Service Representative is the actual term. I hope no one tries to rob the bank.
Oh man, I'm SO freakin' tired. I just want to roll over and go back to bed. I might have a nap, but I should stay up and try to get my sleep back on track. I haven't had sleep problems the whole time with Seroquel, but I have been OVER tired, which is a problem. I'm wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal.
Ughy, I have to get something to eat. I think I will go to mum's.

I was in the grocery store with mum the other day and we were looking at the nutritional information on the back of two packs of soup. She asked me how much sodium my favorite ichibans had. 1290mg. That's a LOT! I'm trying to eat healthier ever since learning from my dietitian that I have high cholesterol. And I don't want to have a heart attack soon. I feel like there's still a lot I want to do.

It was funny seeing all the rubber food the dietitian had. Rubber carrots, rubber fish, rubber potatoes and rice.

It depresses me to think of having a heart attack. I have to do something about this.

I read somewhere online that one guy lowered his cholesterol levels just by quitting smoking. I AM smoking right now, but I still want to quit. And I think I will. I'm almost ready.

I've gotten used to drinking diet colas now. It's really nice actually, I thought I would miss regular cola a lot more than I do.

If I had a cheap non toxic option to smoking I would. But nearly everything gives you toxic bluckies when you smoke it. Smoking's not very natural, we should be eating it.

My cousin has moved into her new place, I'm happy for her, I'm glad she has a place to live in town.

Me chastising myself for better habits of an artist

I've had a ton of fun this weekend, saw more of my friends than I usually see these days. It felt like having a life, besides cleaning, and editing, which seems to be the two things I'm always doing. when I'm not on the net. The difficult thing about editing at home is that I can always veer to the internet when I'm supposed to be editing. And I haven't been doing any writing besides my blogging. I feel like I blog to keep up my writing skills, even if it's all drivel. Just to know I'm at least writing SOMETHING every so often.

But I haven't been working on my short screenplay or my final report(s) or my next grant either. I've been a bum writer, writing for short lived internet jollies. And I haven't even written my more serious editorial pieces or anything. Just goofiness.

I'm still aspiring to live a healthier lifestyle. And when I say lifestyle I do not mean being queer. I hate when people call being queer a lifestyle, like it's up there with being a fitness buff or something. No one ever calls heterosexuality a lifestyle.

But I did fall off the no smoking wagon. I feel guilty and bad about it. Oh man, especially when I think who would want to kiss a smoker? I don't mind kissing smokers, but it just makes me one point more appealing if I quit. And I need that one more point of charm!

And I do have yoga to do now, which is actually a lot of fun. The whole point is relaxation, which is nice. I like it so far. I can do Corpse really well!

I have to go to bed now.

the Buzz

Last night I went to my first of three yoga classes. We learned some basic poses, like Child's Pose and Pyramid and Downward Dog and Tree, which always makes me fall over. Timber! I did pretty well on my poses, had a little trouble with three of them, which is to be expected for a newbie.
Tonight I am going to go see Milk at the Roxy with some buddies. I'm excited, I haven't been to the movies in a month or so. I think we're also going to watch some of my videos. That will be interesting. I don't know if I have a copy of Untouchable though, I do but in 3/4" format.
I haven't had pot in a week or so, two weeks actually, to be honest. I kinda wanna get stoned now that it's the weekend, but no dineros for pot. I talked with my psych nurse about pot, she told me I'd have even more stability if I abstained from it. But I don't really want to give it up for good yet. I do like it, I just want to use it more responsibly. No more binging. I have two weeks before I'm letting myself buy again, for Valentines Day. Or the Fifteenth. Or whenever the weekend is really.
I'm considering seeing an addictions worker about it. I'd like to hear what they have to say anyway. At least it's not heroin. But it still does a number on your lungs.
That all being said, if my movie buddies tonight passed me a joint I sure would appreciate the buzz!

Video I love it

My life has been going well since I've started making healthy changes. I am going to a Yoga class tonight where it's for total beginners, to get you ready to do drop in classes. It goes for three weeks, which is perfect. It's pretty tricky stuff, yoga, I never realized how much it would push me until I did the free queer yoga class through the Avenue Community Centre.

I'm making progress on my video. Right now it's still a jumbled mess, but a shape is starting to take form. Which is good. It's such an ambitious project, and the next video is similar in scope, although totally fictional. I haven't got a structure worked out yet. Normally I would be sitting down writing out a flow for the tapes I make, and I haven't actually DONE that yet. Maybe because my narration is still untaped.

The funniest thing happened to me at work, I called my ex at HER workplace. I felt funny about it, we were both professional and just dealt with each other like any other call, I didn't dare try to strike up a conversation in case she slammed the phone down, which was probably for the best. But I did feel kind of sad that we didn't talk to each other like ex lovers do. Or whatever.

I was going to go for a ski today, but I think I will go tomorrow instead. I will now go edit more of my video. VIDEO!!!! i love it!

More videoing

Is videoing even a word? I don't think we used it in film school. But I did do some shooting today of my mommy's interview. I hope that it will round out my video. I also have to shoot some footage of myself, but I want to know what I have to work with first.

I've been okay, I'm trying to better my life still. I only partied once this weekend, which was nice. Last night I just stayed home with the pets and goofed off. I have to clean again because my place is YET AGAIN a huge mess.

I'm excited for editing, I have tons of footage now and think I have just enough to make a good video. I may just use myself to do the voiceover, maybe a little bit of me talking.

I really want to get the whole damn thing done by March so that I can apply for a big grant again in April. I want to do a Mars recruitment video. But I really need a script to show the funders, there's a better chance of getting a grant if I do it. So I also have to work on that. Plus festivals are starting to ask about showing it, and I really do want to get it done for their deadlines.

I'm pretty impressed with the things Obama has done so far. Pretty exciting times for those americans. Even to be canadian is exciting, what with the coalition rumours.

I have most of tomorrow off except for 3 to 6 when I am working. It will be kind of nice, I hope to clean and edit. Clean and edit, clean and edit, clean and edit, that's my life. I wish there was a coffee shop I liked to sit in, so I could write down ideas. That's where I do my best writing, in a coffee shop. There are some in Sutherland, a short bus ride from where I live, and I'm sure once I get a weekend routine going BEYOND partying I could sit in there and write.

I guess at a certain point in everyone's life, they want more than cheap thrills and actually want to focus on career goals and other important life things. I'm smoking up WAY less and I have noticed a difference, I have more motivation for one thing, more energy, I don't just SIT around anymore. I actually got it together to videotape my mom today, which was good because I'd been avoiding it for a while.

It's funny that my career has nothing to do with how I ordinarily make a living, which is as a market research interviewer (since 2002!). But I have had BIG grants twice during that time, where I either worked on a video or wrote a screenplay.

It's funny, you know what really made me want to stop smoking so much pot was my creativity. It gets dulled from too much pot use and as a practicing artist I can't afford to keep flushing creativity down the loo. I think slowing down has been a positive influence in my life.

I've decided to do this First Step Yoga class with the City of Saskatoon, it's three beginner yoga classes that get you ready to do drop in yoga classes. I'll probably do my drop in yoga at the Y, but I'd like to know some of the basic positions before I step into that.

Things are going remarkably well in my life, as a result of all the changes I've been making. I still wish I kept a cleaner house though.

Shame

I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN'T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don't make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don't think about very much when I'm sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I'm trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren't named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it's still embarrassing. I'd like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It's been a year now that I've been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It's kind of amazing. I've NEVER been stable for this long. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I'm not sure. I've never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It's a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I'd known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven't even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I've since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you're In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I'm embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I've also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It's like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I've done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It's still there, even though I've been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it's mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I've never been on a drug that's given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It's so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one's friendships and relationships and so on, it's shameful. I wish it wasn't.

scrapings

Day One of no pot. Well, I did scrape my pipe and smoked it. Didn't get high. So, day one of no pot. Well I cheated. I know I did. I almost bought a tenner of pot, which is pitiful and so small no one I know would actually sell it to me.

I have this friend who's always on an eternal quest to buy just a gram. Just ONE gram of pot! No one I know has sold to him. He's on his own!

I knew places in Vancouver where you could buy small amounts, but even then they wouldn't sell just ONE gram.

It's like selling some crumbs.

I shouldn't even talk about marijuana if I'm trying not to use, but it has been a constant friend, even longer than cigarettes. And besides, how do I know I want to quit?

Because it makes me jellybrained and sleepy.

The sleepy part is kind of nice, except for when you pig out on a bag of chips and then crash for four hours in the middle of the day. Ugh.

Lots of people I know can use pot sparingly, except for me. I don't know why I'm such a porker when it comes to the green, but I am. I sometimes only perk up about social occasions when I find out pot is involved somehow. IT MAKES ME FEEL PITIFUL AND ANGRY AT MYSELF`! Woah, sorry about the all caps. It does though, because I feel like I had all this potential when I was younger and what did I do with it? Became a stoned old blogger with no romance in my life smelling of smoke and looking for my next high. fuck!

I am also thinking I should switch to diet soda. I think all the calories in real soda are contributing to my weight gain. And I already have a hard time with weight since I've been taking pills.

Oh dear, bedtime. Off to work I go tomorrow~! No more pot for me! I can do it if I believe!

Without it

I've had a longstanding use of pot. Since I was 19 I have been using on and off. But now that all those years of use have passed I wonder if I could have done more with my life besides sitting around stoned for so long.

I'm not liking who it is making me either. I'm feeling desperate more often than not, and that's just no good. It's also costing me a lot of money, and it's not really worth it.

Plus I think it's killing my creativity. I can't do or think of good things while I'm sitting around looking like a burn out. I've been thinking abut this for a long time. I'd like to go back to a different way of life, one where I do things with myself like sit in a bubble bath with candles, instead of just inhaling burning plant materials to make myself feel better. It's a bummer for a lot of reasons.

It will totally change the dynamic with my friends, some of who are also chronic users. I do have clean friends though.

Maybe I should take a LONG break. Like a few months. Although if I like being clean, maybe I could stretch it out. I don't know if I can honestly say Never again, but I can always take it as it comes.

Who will I be without weed? I'm really curious. That's mostly why I want to do it, I want to find out who I will be without it.

A break? An epiphany?

One day I was walking with my mum in a spot where we used to roll joints when she ripped a plant out of the ground and said "Smell this and tell me what it is!" So I did and I said, "It's weed!" I dn't know how that little plant managed to grow that big without any of us noticing what it was. I used to live at another place that had real opium poppies growing in the backyard.

Accidentally growing drugs is funny. I don't grow drugs. I just grow little household plants, like this funky little tree I bought last year.

Anyway, I'm still recovering from New Years, I partied pretty hard and it's made me tired. I can't do that again for a while.

I'm waiting for some inspiration to hit. I'm really stuck again.

I've also realized I am ready to meet someone new. I think I am anyway.

I had a dream about a friend who had died. She was exactly the same as she was in real life! It was so vivid for a while I thought she had come back to life. Then I woke up. But I still felt happy.

these days I have been noticing I'm a bit down, but I think that's because I had lower back pain. I still kind of do. I don't know what it's from, so I think I should see my doctor about it.

I really need my creative juices to start flowing again. I've been watching the Simpsons and Corner Gas whenever I can, and then I'm just reading the news. Barely even writing, much less editing. I also need to shoot more.

I'm sad to report that my rhino video got pulled from Youtube. It still remains on my facebook. There are tons of other rhino sex videos on youtube, but male on male rhino fellatio gets deemed inappropriate. It was cute! Aw, oh well.

In other news, well, nothing. I found out I didn't get a grant, which sucks but is okay because I haven't worked on it enough. As an idea. I may apply for another screenwriting grant or research-creation grant. I have to get my video done first though, which is why I'm waiting for my creativity to come back.

Maybe it is the weed smoking. Maybe I should go on a really long break, until I get some work done on my project. That would be a good idea. And I should clean.

I think I'm gong to do a long break off of drugs and real quit tobacco. I haven't smoked tobacco all day, which is good. I'm still on the patch. I did smoke some pot, but after that I have n more left, and that's fine by me. Maybe I'll be more creative without weed in my life, more stable even. I'm going to experiment and find out. It will be my New Year's resolution to not let weeds fill the cracks in my life and learn who I am without it.

Hmm, so I guess we will see how it goes!

But I will still drink beer!

2008? 2009!

Happy New Year All! Soon we will be entering 2009, a brand new year close to a decade after y2k. I remember New Year's Eve on Y2K, I was so happy when the lights were still on.

2008 was a good year for me. I had my grant, I moved into Coop housing, and I went out more and more.

I went to Ness Creek for the first time and met some bears. I went down a waterslide. I went to Scotland and connected with my roots there for the first time.

I've come up with some good resolutions for next year. Mostly I want to take my work more seriously and papertrain Mister so he'll only poo in one place. and I want to quit smoking, seriously! I haven't had a smoke all day and it's a good thing. I'm back to the patches.

It would be really nice to fall in love this year. I'm so used to being single, it would be kind of nice for a change to have someone to love.

Trying to think of a Christmas Message

I just found some government cheques I hadn't cashed. And at a time when I need money too!

Christmas is nearly upon me and ever since we scaled back family present shopping to immediate family, my shopping list became teeny. Basically I bought the Beatles LOVE Cd for my sister and my mum is going to a movie with me. I can spill the beans on my prezzies because Sky can't read the internet, or anything really beyond the word PIZZA, and Mum already knew what she was getting.

The Christmas Brunch this year was nice and small as usual and we got crunk. MUCHO boozing. Today was my last day of work before Christmas and I got a present and had some nibbly things. It was nice to get a present from work.

I must have had an off day though because it was hell trying to make quota, not usually a hard thing for me.

I signed my subsidy agreement for 2009 at the coop office today, so next month's rent is pretty wonderfully small and affordable. I never imagined I would have such affordable housing, and in the middle of a housing crisis!

I was trying to think of an inspiring Christmas message to impart, but all I could think of was, well, nothing actually. I've been fretting about money this Christmas, I had to part with 25 borrowed dollars to pay for my meds today. That's still cheap compared to what others pay for psych meds. The only reason I do pay any money is because I get my meds bubble packaged. I take about five different meds twice a day and it's hard to keep track all by myself.

So maybe my Christmas message is to fellow money fretting folk. Making presents is just as good, if not better, than buying them. And maybe you can't get everyone what they want for Christmas, but you could arrange some holiday cheer activities like going toboganning or inviting people over for a potluck party.

There's my message.

Anyway. back to me. LOL. I'm currently waiting on some weed and friends, which to me is the best thing possible. I'm easy to please that way.

Goody Two Shoes

I have no time to blog tonight because tomorrow I'm going for breakfast with mum before we pay my bill. I pay my bill and she drives me. ANYWAY, I finally heard about the shoe throwing and I have to say it cracks me up. I watched it on Youtube and I could not believe the amount of times they showed those two shoes sail through the air towards George W. Bush's face. And they MISSED!

Ah well, now more people want shoes thrown at various other people, mostly politicians. I never wanted to see Bush murdered or anything, but a shoe, that's pretty good. Two shoes!

So in lieu of a proper entry, watch in two different angles at variable speeds, the shoes that were thrown at Bush.

Kissing better

I'm home from work today because I feel crappy. Oh well. So much for my spotless attendance. It really is too bad because it means 60 bucks less on my cheque. So I think I'll go into work on Sunday.

I've been shooting this week for Grandpa's 90th birthday, we're doing greetings. Everyone's is different. It's pretty cool, got to videotape family all week. Some of them were hilarious, and at the end Grandpa gets a dvd of his whole family wishing him well. I just need to shoot Auntie Beth still and I'm done. Oh yes, and I have to edit it together, but that won't take long. Think I'll start this afternoon while I'm home. The whole family is getting together on Friday for wine and cheese and cake presumably, with Grandpa and Grandma. I love my grandparents, they keep trying to get me to go to the gay and lesbian church services in town so I can meet somebody. I just might too.

I've been realizing that I want children in my life somehow. Not to raise necessarily, just to hang out with. Kids are fun. But I think I may have to wait until my cousins have kids of their own that I can hang out with. It will happen.

It's been a nice long time since I have gone crazy. I'm glad. Going crazy is a big fucking health concern, because it takes so long to recover from and it does have a very long lead up period. So I'd estimate it takes about a year to go through the whole thing, the lead up, the actual crazy time, and the recovery period where you just sleep and sleep to build back up your seratonin. Even with the amazing meds we have today, craziness still wreaks havoc on one's life.

I really like my job, which is a good thing. I actually feel bad that I'm not there today to interview people. I like interviewing people, it's interesting to find out everybody's opinions on things. Even little things. And the office environment is good, very chill yet professional. It's a good place to work.

Not like another call centre I worked at where the supervisors bitched out the callers once a day about this or that en masse. You really need a supportive office atmosphere to do calling, otherwise it just feels like no one appreciates you, and for sure a lot of the people we call don't appreciate getting calls.

I'm stuck in my big video project I'm working on, Homelands. I have a title finally but I'm stuck on the narrative flow. It's one of those situations where I know I have to shoot a little bit more to get it to work.

I'm still not smoking, and this time I think I might just be able to stick to it. I haven't been bumming smokes and the patch is working. I don't know if I'm rotating the place I stick it to enough though, I've just been jumping from shoulder to shoulder each day. No ill effects so far! And I smell better, and I can taste better, and I can KISS better, and I also have a better smelling apartment. Plus no more wasted money, especially now when money is so tight for me. I'm currently broke and in debt to my mom, who I will be paying back for a loan with my artist fees. I've got a bus pass now though, and some groceries, and rent is paid until January. Also my phone/net/tv bill got paid. I just have to pay my electricity with my next pay cheque and I should be all caught up.

The life of an artist, money or poverty. I wish I had some extra dough right now, especially with christmas coming, but I'm only buying for my mom and my sister this year, which should be easy. Sky's happy with a dvd and mum needs something thoughtful. None of us really needs anything in particular this year, I bought all my major needs during my grant period. Like my red microwave. I use it ALL the time. This is the first time I've had a microwave, and I honestly don't know how I lived without it. It cooks things so fast!

I do need a kitchen table and chairs. I want to have my Christmas Brunch at my house this year but I'm not sure how to do it without a table and chairs. I guess some people could sit on the floor. But I'd feel like a bad host.

Christmas Brunch is the only annual party I do up really. It's just an excuse to eat lots of food and drink and smoke up. It's a totally lush event. The point is to get as drunk as possible midday and therefore sleep it off for the rest of the day. Last year Carrie Gates, Shavonne Somvong, and Ryan Wonsiak came over and it was great fun. I don't know yet who will come this year. Probably Deanna.

I can't NOT do it this year, but I have very little money which means it's going to have to be a potluck brunch again.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been having dreams about girls lately which makes me think I am lonely. I need to get it on with someone, but I don't really have a specific target these days, besides one girl who seems cute and funny. Is cute and funny enough to build a relationship on? Do I even want a relationship? It seems like a relationship would fit into my life, now that things have calmed down for me and I have a job and am committed to taking my medication, instead of just being committed. And now that I've quit smoking I would taste better if someone kissed me.

One of my exes who's tried and failed to quit smoking once told me one of her other lovers said to her "Your pussy tastes just like a cigarette!" "Which I thought was kind of harsh" she said. No doubt.

My pussy no longer tastes like cigarettes.

Long absence

I've had no access to the internet for the past couple of weeks or so. No phone either, and no television! But today I finally managed to pay my bill and I'm hooked up again! It's a relief, because I just finished rereading Slaughterhouse Five and wasn't in the mood to find another book to fill my time. I've quit smoking again, it's not going SO well, keep slipping. But it's getting better everyday!

I'm poor again, it is true, but I've started my new job and I quite like it. Market Research Interviewer again. It's a good gig really, pay is okay and the only problem is figuring out a schedule where I can get a few more hours a week. I may have to pick up a Sunday shift, which is okay generally except on Easter when people get pissy on the phones.

But Easter is a long time away, Jesus has to be born still on Christmas before we get to him dying a horrible death and then coming back to life.

I never understood why he came back to life and then buggered off. I mean, he ressurects, and then his whole physical body goes to heaven? It confuses me. Are there toilets in heaven?

Mum is getting a dog today, hopefully. She's already bought a crate and little dishes and a teeny harness. It's a smoothcoated mini dachshund, and she's naming it Hermione. I hope Hermione and Arthur, the thuggy golden, get along well. Arthur hates little dogs except for my little guy Mister, so he should take to the new pup well. It's exciting, new pets are always exciting. And mum likes dogs. She just wanted to go look at the pups at Petland one day because they had some doxies and fell in love with one of them. The last time we went her sister was gone, but the one mum wanted was still there. So HOPEFULLY by the time we get there this afternoon she'll be there.

I'm so happy to have internet and television back. Hurrah for la interneta!

Golden Avenue

I'm waiting for my phone to recharge when I would rather be talking to my mother. I'm down to one old green lighter, most of mine are totally dead. I have to invest in a new lighter. Even when I stop smoking, I will always need one around!

Schrodinger is crying in my room. I don't know what he's crying about.

Mister chased a garter snake and I got worried it would bite him and anyway, I got made fun of by Mum. And now she is spreading the tale! We went for a picnic out at Blackstrap. We were all surprised to see a snake still out. Mum chased it yelling look, a snake, look! And it was slitherng as fast as it could go, which was at a pretty good clip. Fast little snakey.

Anyway, now I look like a wuss.

Halloween weekend was quiet for me. No major partying or anything. In fact we stayed in on the actual night. Which was the first time I'd done that in ages.

I had one trick or treater. I suspect the stairs were too forboding. Well, there were three of them anyway, and now fifty pieces of chocolate have all been consumed. I could not believe how much chocolate I ate, and my cousin too. It was wild. We even listened to The Monster Mash, Purple People Eater, and the soundtrack to Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And then we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without props. dammit! We were going to go down to the Broadway, but it was on too early and we had no props.
We also dressed up as Zombies. I had a big slash on my face like a Z for ThirZa!

Yep, that was Halloween 2008. I've almost always gone out. We didn't get seen anywhere in our rad zombie makeup except the McDonalds drive thru. And I still haven't found Golden Avenue.