Thinking about moving away next year . . . and some morose thoughts about my first real girlfriend

Today I was having a chat with my favorite far away friend (like really far) when I found myself writing "I am thinking of moving to Toronto." And I was happy to see her write that she has been pondering the same city.

Anyway, Saskatoon has been nice, I guess, except there isn't a lot of short queer film being screened here (hardly any!), and there isn't a lot of queer culture, and I am starting to miss being influenced by radical queer politics that happens in larger urban centres. In short I miss big city living. I miss having a larger community of like minded folks. Toronto has a Queer film festival and an Indigenous film festival and several small festivals and events and you can see nipples AND drink a beer at the same time. Here everyone has to have pasties on. And pasties are glamourous, but not as splendorific as a nice naked nipple.

I was going to stay here until my grandparents died, but they are still chugging along and I have been here six years now and I don't think I should make decisions that are dependent on them dying. Besides, I will still come back every so often and for the major holidays like Christmas and . . . well just Christmas. NO I will come in the summer too.

And anyway I won't be leaving right away, I will probably stay here until at least the end of June 2013. Something could change my mind. But if I got my grant and was in post production, well that would give me a decent financial cushion for moving to a new city. And there are lots of jobs in Toronto, with the aforementioned festivals and other places. Culturally it is a happening city. And it's just a place where I feel there would be more opportunities for me. More clients for my business, more places I could get a job job. More places to meet women and there would be an actual Butch-Femme community and I wouldn't feel like the only only one anymore. I miss being in a Butch-Femme community, Saskatoon has some Butch-Femme couples to be sure, but hardly anyone who really identifies with those labels and embraces them and is willing to fuck with them a bit. I guess I am too old school or something, which is funny because in Vancouver I wasn't old school at all, I was whatever non-old school butches are. But here it's like if you say you are Butch they think you are from the 50's.

I hate to say it but I miss coming from a pool of butches and transdudes who are all chosen by the same Femmes for intimate encounters and potentially long term relationships, where we end up winking at each other because we share the same exes. Or current lovers. Or whatever.

Also, I am ready to fall in love. Like massively in love. And even though I am having some dates here, I am so used to feeling dismal about my chances here. I chased the same woman for almost six years! It was a waste of time. But I feel like there just wasn't anyone else that could hold my attention as well as she did. Maybe I didn't give the locals enough of a chance. Even my next date isn't REALLY from here, she lives three hours away! So many of the lesbians here are shacked up and officially married, and I want to be an old married lady too!

I guess I should have a relationship that lasts longer than a year and a month first though. That is still my longest relationship to date. And now we don't even talk to each other. Sometimes I look at her profile on Facebook and read the few lines that are public and wonder if she will ever have a picture of her face for her profile pic and not her cat. The irony, of course, is that when she and I dated she lived in Toronto and I lived in Vancouver and when we broke up it's because I wanted one of us to move so we would be together and she dumped me because we weren't in the same place and then she moved to Vancouver and I moved to Saskatoon.

And now I am moving to Toronto.

She was 28, I was 19, we were probably in different places in more ways than just geography. She was butch, believe it or not, at least that's how she identified. The cutest soft butch ever! She was really the first girl I had sex with, like full on fucking and falling asleep and waking up to more fucking and falling asleep again and fucking some more. We were really sexually compatible except she wasn't into BDSM. But she did orgasm denial scenes really well. With some coaching. I was her first female lover. YAY! I did have a female lover before her, and a male lover who was a friendly fuck that I had to end when he got attached. But those were just juvenile games compared to the sex I had with Butch Lady Lady. She was the first one who made me come all by herself. It's hard for me to come with lovers at first, I'm too wound up and feel sheepish for asking them to get repetitive strain injuries. It's like I have to get calibrated for lovers, cause once I have them all mapped out in my interior erotic landscape I can come in a decent amount of time with them.

Currently I do not have a specific person I think about when I am coming. It's kind of depressing. I like when I have a favorite person to think about. When Ivana and I broke up I was really depressed because I still had to think about her when I masturbated and I felt like I didn't have a right to anymore. And then even when I did think about her and come it would make me ache so hard not to be with her anymore.

To be honest, even when I have said all this stuff about Rheanne being the love of my life, probably the big love Thus Far was Ivana. She was the one who was there for me for a whole year and a month. It wasn't a perfect relationship, there were a lot of things about it that were wrong, but she really was PRESENT and honest in a way that my first and last love wasn't. She actually called me her girlfriend and was open about me with friends and, okay, she didn't tell her mom about me because she was still in the closet. That was a problem. BUT she loved me as best as she could from four provinces away. And the sex was great. The sex was awesome.

I wish I could still talk to her. I behaved really inappropriately with her when I was drunk and after that she didn't really want to be friends with me. I don't blame her. I was uncooth. We were already broken up by that point. And it wasn't my decision to break up. I took it really hard. That was a fucked up summer, so much shit happened that summer. The summer of 1998. Oh man! What a BAD summer!

I remember she came to visit that summer, after we broke up. I didn't even have a photo of her, and I had been trying to imagine her from when I had seen her when we met and had all the great sex. And I saw this really cute dyke on Commercial Drive and my heart skipped a beat and I thought "Is that her?" I couldn't remember! It was her. We went for dinner at Wazubees and she came over to my apartment and freaked out because she was sitting on my bed "I can't believe I'm sitting on your bed!" and I wanted to kiss her and we kissed bunches of times. But no sex. No relationship. We never got back together.

She wanted a break from me and then we just never talked again. I wanted to, but like I said I behaved badly. I felt so guilty for being so bad, I still feel guilty. But I never got to have a conversation with her about it, never got to apologize.

I know I could. I know I should. It would ease my mind to tell her some of the things I have thought since we broke up, even though it is fourteen years later.

God, how old would she be now? 42! OMG! Turning 43.

I can't believe it has been fourteen years.

Maybe I should do the classic Thirza thing, and write a long apologetic email to her. Because I miss her, and I should apologize, and because it would be nice to know her again, even if she is straight now or I don't even know what. Who knows, maybe she has a husband? My friends would know. We have some of the same friends. It's so awkward, I never know what to say when her name comes up. I really did love her once. And she broke my heart, and then I broke my heart. And it's so conflicted. I don't think we would get back together, I don't think it would work. For one thing, there would be distance. Again. And that was the main trouble in the first place. For another thing she is older, and she usually made the rules in our relationship, like she decided when we would talk and I often didn't feel like I had much input into the situation, because if I called her she would often wait the required two weeks before calling me back. It always seemed to happen in two week intervals, our phone calls. And I couldn't handle that.

Ha ha, I had a dream after we broke up that she told me the only reason she dumped me is because of her long distance bill, and that if sprint had brought in unlimited long distance sooner we would still be together!

So sad!

BUT I have a faggy arty date at some point in the not too distant future! Life is not all doom and gloom. And of course if it got serious I would reconsider the whole "I'm moving to Toronto in 2013" thing.

2:23 am. Perfect time of day to write an apology email. WOuld you believe I only had two pints this evening?

Life Avec Car

Life has changed a lot since I got my license. I have driven alone finally. I drove my friend Laurel around. I drove my mom to work and drove home and drove back and picked her up. Today I drove my cousin and our propane tank to the Co-op to get filled. And every day when I have suspected I might drive, I avoid alcohol altogether. It's been pretty decent, it might help me reduce my drinking, hurrah! I've been very serious about not drinking and driving, losing my new found independence would be terrible. I am really liking that I don't have to depend on my Mom giving me a ride somewhere, now I just depend on her lending me the car!

I finally got my Final Report done for Canada Council for my travel grant I got last summer. I mailed it away yesterday. It was pretty basic, I didn't write eloquently or anything, I just said the things it did for me and how I used it. Now I am working on a grant in Aboriginal Media Arts for my ultra low budget feature "film" which is actually a video but that doesn't matter anymore since everything is being screened digitally now anyway. Plus I am shooting in HDV. I finished the production budget today and it adds up to EXACTLY what I can ask for before my living allowance is factored in.

I rewrote bits of Bunnyhug, I found a totally alternate script while I was looking for the most recent version, and I added bits of it to the final draft I had finished, because I think it adds to it. Of course when I am editing I can leave out what doesn't work. And the parts I added aren't going to add a whole bunch to the production budget. Just a couple scenes in the apartment and a scene on the street and a scene in a bar. Not a whole big change, I can add them to the other bar/street/apartment location shots I do. I am going to try and shoot in May/June of 2013. That's a ways away. I also had to rewrite things so that it would be located in Saskatoon instead of Vancouver, because I can't afford to shoot in Vancouver that is for sure. Some of the things would make more sense in Vancouver, like when two characters mention meeting at a lesbian strip show. But why not pretend Saskatoon has Lesbian strip shows?? May as well, it's all fictional anyway!

I worked on my grant today, I got a substantial amount written, I am feeling good about it but looking for another pair of eyes to look at it. Just for confirmation of if I am on the right track or not.

Ha ha, my friend's 2 year old, when she catches him doing something bad like dumping all the flour on the floor, will say "Mum, walk away." Ha ha ha, that is the best thing I have heard ever!!!! So cute, that's something I can imagine her saying when she was little!

My dating life has picked up a bit, I had one date and might have another date with someone else and might go on a date with the first person again and basically I am starting to get my feet wet in the local-ish dating pool. Actually one of my potential future dates lives in a different city, which is kinda sucky, BUT it's in the same province and not that far away, which is bonus yay points! Which makes her local-ish. Not in a different province, and not in a different country on a different continent! Although I do still want a date with someone who lives rather far away. But some friendly hanging out is cool too, I'm not that fussy, I just like spending time with her. Anyway, no commitments to anyone yet, just hanging out and seeing where life takes me. Supposedly in eight to seven months I will end up in a serious relationship for a while, according to my psychic. Which would be nice.

I have something to confess! I have been sneaking smokes! :O I am climbing back on the no-smoking wagon. It's not worth all the bad things I noticed about being a smoker. And one of my dates quit smoking and I would like to be equally quit and nice tasting if we kiss, so I want to stop again. Along with the fact that I am sitting in the waiting room of the cancer clinic everyday this week with my Grandpa, seeing all those people who used to be smokers and are now really sad and worried and unsure of their futures. It's a wake-up call. Plus my great grandma on my dad's side lived to be 99 or something like that, and my maternal Grandpa is 93 and my Grandma is 92, so I have the genes to live to my 90's easy, and I should be careful of my body so I can make it to a great old age.

BUT I still haven't smoked weed, even though yesterday I was around a friend who was puffing away and who probably would have smoked me down if I had said I was back to smoking up. But I really thought hard about my withdrawal period and how hard it was and knew if I took a puff it would lead me straight back to being a chronic.

I passed! I passed!!!!!

I passed my Road Test!!! I am the proud holder of a Novice 1 Class 5 Driver's License!!! :D I was so nervous before my instructor picked me up, but we drove around and then did two different possible routes that the examiner could take me on. When I would make a mistake we would go around the block and do it again. Then at about 3:15 he said we could keep driving or I could go get registered, I decided I was ready and registered. So he and I sat in the waiting room until the examiner came out and called me by my last name. Then we did the signal check and brake check and horn check. And we went for a drive!

And I did really good. I must have because I passed! My parallel park was good, and in the end she just told me to slow down on my turns and to brake a little sooner so that it wasn't so jerky when I stop. But I passed!!! :D I went and paid my ten dollars to upgrade my license until the end of April (my birth month, when all the licenses normally expire). And they took another photo of me without my glasses for the photo id. I should get my new license in 10 days.

So now I am kind of stunned and excited! It wasn't even as hard as I thought it would be! I'm glad I know exactly how to parallel park. My instructor told me he loves how I parallel park!

Such a good driving instructor, when I told him I passed he clapped and then told me "That's three for three!" All three of his students taking the test today passed! That's pretty good!

Anyway, tomorrow night I am borrowing the car for the first time to take me and a friend to get some ice cream! Ha ha, also I think it is snowing a shit ton tonight, which might make my plans change.

I'm so tired of being so stressed! I was so nervous about that damn test! Now it's over, but I still have to be a good driver. I am going to keep practicing. There is a giant blindspot in my mom's car, which kinda sucks. When I get a car I am going to be aware of that.

I have to think of other things I want to improve in my life. I quit smoking cigs and pot, got my driver's license, now I just have to get a stable income and move out of my Mom's house, eventually. Oh and get a wife. And a car. And a house. Mom says I am not a Neverbloomer I am just a late bloomer. Actually she says I am doing really well.

The next big tasks are to write a grant and first I have to write a final report. And that all has to be done by the end of the month. I also have to get some more contracts so I can get some cash for when I am in Germany this June and July! And when it warms up a bit I have to start working on my video about being butch.

I should really make another list of things to do. I love lists. I write them all the time! I need to do some writing in my private diary again.

This week I should be getting the Lifering Workbook, and on Sunday I am driving down to the Avenue Community Centre for the Secular Sobriety meeting. My first time! :O I hope it's good.

So that was my day! I drove Mum and I home from Sky's house, I don't trust Mum's directions anymore because she keeps mixing up her left and rights.

Right Right Right! Tight Tight Tight!

I have finally passed the six week mark of not smoking pot!!! I can pee in a cup and pass a drug test! :D I have no reason to pass a drug test, BUT I could! I went to my concurrent disorders group today and had a good session. That was good because I missed last week.

I have had another session with my driving instructor and learned FOOL PROOF parallel parking! I am really good at it! I used to SUCK at parallel parking but now I have learned! :D YAYYYYYY! A new skill! And that is what used to get me during my road tests! Mom and I practiced driving for an hour tonight all around downtown and at various places they take you on the road test. My turns are still too wide. Several times my mom was yelling "Right right right! Tight tight tight!" I've gone and parked in various parking lots, and I am excellent on the freeway (although I follow the speed limits which isn't fast enough for most!).

My road test is on Monday at 3:45!!! Eeeeeeeeee! People have told me not to feel bad if I don't pass it the first time, but my instructor and I feel like I can pass it, I just need to practice lots. Today when I was driving us home Mom went through the rules of borrowing the car. Put gas in it, pay all tickets, that kind of thing. When I get my license I am going to give up getting a bus pass and only get bus tickets. For those nights I am drunk and need to catch the bus home! I'm never going to drive if I feel like I am going to drink, and if I do ever fall off the weed wagon (god forbid!) I am not going to drive either. Only sober driving! I'm excited, some of my friends have already asked me to drive them around and we will get ice cream when I get my license. I want to go on a road trip this summer, although I will have to go with only my Mom and one other non-immediate family member the first six months. So maybe I will drive with one other person to a music festival in Winnipeg or something! I am losing my nervousness when I am driving, which is really nice. I feel a lot more confident, which is good for my upcoming road test.

If I do fail it I can keep practicing and try again in two weeks. Not the end of the world. BUT I really want to pass it, because I tried at least three times when I was a teenager before giving up. I am going to try every two weeks until I get it!

Even though that will suck up a lot of money. Well, to be honest it's only 22 bucks or something like that for a road test. Not a lot of money. I can drink that in a night! I can cut back on drinks while I attempt to achieve freedom and being a grown up.

I used to feel so deficient not being able to drive. I used to have dreams about driving, where I knew I was doing something illegal because I wasn't licensed and just drove off with my Mom's car. Sometimes I would be driving from the passenger seat or the backseat, not IN the driver's seat and so wildly out of control. I always felt guilty about my driving dreams because I knew I wasn't supposed to drive.

BUT if I can get my license that will all change. Maybe I will even be sitting in the driver's seat in my dreams, maybe I will feel in control and free!

I'm already getting confident driving. And I understand the dimensions of the car from the perspective of the driver's seat now. I'm still not PERFECT in my lane alignments, but I am getting better. I realize I can be further left in a lane and still not crash into oncoming traffic.

I'm excited. My life will totally change when I get my license. I will be eligible for all kinds of jobs that require a driver's license. I will be able to do errands on my own instead of roping my mom into driving me across town to fix my camera or whatever. I'll be able to go take a drive and run errands for my grandparents. I'll be able to take on half the driving when we go on road trips. It's exciting!

When my Mom leaves town I can drop her off at the airport and do my driving and pick her up when she comes back from her trip, no more taxis or parking fees. Last time she parked we had to look all over the long term lot because she forgot where she parked! If Grandma needs something Mom can send me out to get it!

That all being said, I still love being a passenger. It's nice to googly eye all over the place and not have to worry. But driving is fun, and I am sure the more confident I get the more I will want to drive. Mom is really liking being a passenger, although she fussed tonight when we were driving.

Anyway, UM! What else? Well, I have been stable since late 2007. That is a good thing to say. I haven't been in the hospital since 2007 and that is pretty good. Five years this may! :D I haven't been in a group home since August of that year either. SWEET! Being in a group home sucked, mostly because there wasn't enough room for all my stuff, including my computer, which I am super attached to. I had to go to my Mom's to use the internet, and I don't think that's very fair. I think everyone should have internet access. So yeah, hope I don't have to go to a group home again.

Next week I see my psych nurse, a few days after my road test. I am hoping I will have super good news to give to her. I passed my six weeks, that was one thing I wanted to talk to her about. I had originally planned just on doing the six weeks clean, but now I want to go further. I feel like so much has gotten better. I want to see how much better it will get. I realize there are still gains to be made in being clean from weed, 3 months is better, and 6 months is even better than 3 months. And someone told me even a year later is loads better than just six months. So I am going to see.

I still feel kinda lonely. I still want a girlfriend. And I still only have one crush, which is rather hopeless even though I will see her again this summer. I don't think I could get rid of all my crushes, it's kinda sweet to have someone who's pictures you like to creep on facebook and sigh at how cute she is. She is cute. I'd totally be down for something serious if only it wasn't so hopeless. Who knows though, maybe someday circumstances will change for us and it will be a possibility.

So close to Six Weeks!

On Wednesday I will make it to six weeks without a puff!!! :D I am excited! Although apparently it will still be another month and a half or so before my withdrawals are really over. And it will take a year altogether to get over being a chronic for so long. Tuesday will be twelve weeks without tobacco, so that's cool! I was tempted to ask for a puff tonight, a puff of the green stuff, but I resisted and felt decent afterwards. Going through that withdrawal period sucked, I don't want to go through it again.

I ordered a workbook from LifeRing, the secular sobriety organization. I should get it in five to ten days. I hope I get it Friday. I'm ready to work through my addiction issues. I think it would help me. I also have a book somewhere with exercises I can do as someone with concurrent disorders, but I don't know where it is.

I have a new Tarot deck!!! :D I am going to try it tonight, I want to see if it being in my purse ever since I got it will make it have aligned itself to my particular vibes or whatever. I've had it for a while now, my Mom got it for me! My last Tarot deck fell apart after almost 30 years, it was all bent and then my mom's dog ate a couple cards! GULP! Oops. But I will take good care of this one, it will last another 30 years! It's a Rider Waite deck, which is my favorite one and the type the last one was too. I like it because I understand the symbolism of it the best out of all the tarot decks I have seen.

I'm doing better at driving, tomorrow morning we are going to go drive some more, all the way on the freeway to my old neighborhood where we will do some turns on residential streets and practice parallel parking. I really need to practice parallel parking because in the other road tests I did that was always where I fucked up and they would make me turn around and drive back to SGI.

I am getting lonely again. I know I still have a lot to personally work on about myself, but I really do wish I could find a lover who lived in Saskatoon or who even wanted to live in Saskatoon someday. I'm tired of being single. I miss sex and intimacy, and I miss parts of a relationship that I feel I've never even been able to have, like making plans for a future together and the comfort of sharing a home and building a home together. And all kinds of things that people in long term relationships take for granted. I really wish I had someone I could cuddle with, and kiss for hours. Someone I could fall asleep snuggled up with.

Someone DECENT! Someone who won't rip my throat out all of a sudden like so many of my other exes. I need something really different this time.

The key, according to my psychic, is to align my soft hearted inner self with my external self. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. What do I do? Cry more freely in front of people? Give more hugs? Talk about my hopes and dreams? Either way, she says if I can do that then I will finally start attracting people who are better suited to me. Quitting pot is helping, because it is making me more in touch with my emotional reactions to stuff. No more numbing out.

I dunno. I have a lot to think about still. And I don't even think I have met my next girlfriend yet. I think she's still a total stranger somewhere out there in the world.

I'm glad I am over my last girlfriend. She was such a jerkface. Jerkface jerkface.

I'm not sure what else to tell you about. This week I have to write two reports, one for Saskatoon Tribal Council talking about what I have done for my business, and then another Final Report for Canada Council about my trip to Germany last year for my retrospective. I need to get that in this week so that I can start working on my grant for Bunnyhug production funds. I'm asking for the top amount, which they don't like giving out very often. I'm not sure if I will get it but I have to try, because if I do get it and can make a super low budget feature film, then I will be eligible for future funding from Telefilm and the Harold Greenberg Fund. It would be really good for me, it would open up my options that is for sure.

I just want to be a filmmaker! It's so ridiculous, I feel like getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and getting so sick twice in the last decade really kicked the shit out of my career. It set me back and made me less able to create for a long time. All that shame the psychiatric hospital instilled in me really subdued me for a long time, and the shame that other people heaped on me for losing control and acting in such strange ways that they didn't understand. It really fucked me up. And I see contemporaries of mine who have already done things I wanted to do but couldn't because I was fucked up and/or overmedicated. That one Zyprexa year fucked me up, I was a total zombie. Sure I made Love & Numbers, but that was it!

Still, I did go back to school and finished my bachelor's degree. And I did write a feature screenplay. In fact that is what made my creative output so limited those years, because creatively I was focused on telling the story of my first manic episode, fictionalized of course. But based in a real event. It kind of pissed me off that I did all that work but didn't get any attention or recognition for it because it is still unproduced.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Sunday thoughts.

I speak Cree! Un petit pas!

I tried to find Blogger under the list of services Google offers in my account, but it looks like it has all been "streamlined" and so it wasn't listed. I had to google Blogger like a schmuck!

Disappointing!

Today I went driving in traffic for the first time since High School! :O It went better than I thought, although I can't for the life of me figure out why my turns are so rough! I kind of drift and don't let it straighten in time and stuff. But I guess I will get more practice. My test is set for the 5th of March! OMG! That is SO SOON!!!! Less than two weeks~!!! WTF?? I hope I pass because I have to help drive someone for medical appointments starting then! We'll see.

I bought my ticket for Hamburg! :D I am pretty stoked about that. Now my grant is all gone. I have to save up a substantial sum for living on while I am in Germany, at least enough to pay for eating and transit and traveling to Berlin a couple times. I think I can do it. I should be able to. Hopefully some decent artist fees will come in soon.

Tomorrow I am renting the super 8 projector for a night to shoot my film and make it into a video. I'm excited about it! Yay! I'll be able to send it off to my distributors and get some screenings!

My crushes have dwindled down to one rather hopeless crush that I just nurture because she is so darned cute! I can't help it. Oh well. I really need to start meeting more people. I know I am gonna meet more folks, it will happen. And eventually I am gonna get involved with my future wife. La la la. I wonder what she will be like. My psychic says it will be good. That's nice to hear.

My Mom is behind me critiquing my blog and watching Survivor. I was done with Survivor a few years ago, I got bored with the formula. I'm also done with Desperate Housewives. In fact there isn't much tv I watch anymore. Maybe the Simpsons, but Mom is always watching The Amazing Race when the new Simpsons comes on. I am gonna start watching RuPaul's Drag Race because I want to win the Out TV contest.



Anyway, this little dog is sitting on my knee. Earlier today she kept nosing my hand so I would pet her little head, and when I would stop she would nose me again.

I did the First People's Survey with Statistics Canada. I DO speak Cree according to them, but only a few words. Still it was enough to count for something, which made me feel pretty good.

Ashes to Ashes

I got defriended by my ex and past big love. The funny thing is what really pissed me off about it was that I didn't do it first, because I really was seriously considering defriending her. I was ready to cut my ties to her and jettison her over the side of the boat that is my life. But she did it first! Shitty. Oh well, I mean clearly it had to happen. I was boycotting her, I refused to like anything or comment or ANYTHING on her profile ever since she got all snarky over what I thought was an innocent joke pic. At first I thought she was just touchy about witch jokes (it was a computer screen of "Wiccapedia" which I thought was funny but she declared was "less than funny.") But then she posted a pic about how women ride broomsticks and I was like "Wait wait wait, what? It's okay for her to say a witch joke but not me?" Oh well. So I got annoyed with her and started boycotting her profile and then she defriended me.

It was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. It had to happen. I need to not have her in my life whatsoever. She just makes me go around and around in circles waiting for, as my psychic said, her to have an "Ah-ha!" moment. But she never will. I hope she finds some boring guy to be with. She seems to prefer men anyway. She's always given them more respect and attention. She's one of THOSE bisexuals.

And she always treated me like garbage. Like some mega loser who isn't worth anything. Pissed me off. I'm sick of that treatment. She can go to hell! She probably will anyway she is so mean. Naw, I don't even believe in hell. I don't think there is anything that punishes people after death, just karma in life before death. Maybe she will end up in a loveless marriage, that would be nice.

Either way I know I am going to end up with someone else, someone nice, someone who deserves my love and attention. And getting rid of her is a good thing, because it opens up space in my heart for someone new. And I really think no one new has come into my life thus far just because I kept being so damned mooney over her.

I didn't even wish her a happy Valentines Day. I was so done with her. I had all these thoughts before of romantic things I was gonna post, but then she was a jerk and it all faded away in seconds. And it's not even like she just recently started being an asshole, she's been an asshole to me for a long time. Too long.

So that's that. I am doing okay otherwise. My energy level is still kinda low from detoxing. I made it to 30 days yesterday, I can go get my chip at NA on Sunday. So close to six weeks! I was around some weed recently, and I looked at it and kinda wanted it but I didn't have any because I didn't want to go all the way back to day one. I also wanted a cigarette, which surprised me because I have been doing good and it's been ten weeks and four days or so since I quit. I didn't have a cigarette. It was hard because my friend who was smoking still enjoys it because she really hasn't been a smoker for very long, not as long as me anyway. So seeing her enjoying it made me miss it a bit. I don't even know how I didn't have a smoke, I guess I didn't want to get sucked into it again. I don't know how long it would take me to quit again. This is the second longest I've gone without smoking since I started at 22. This is also the longest I've gone without pot since I moved here and didn't have a dealer.

Well it's late, my beer is done. I should really go to bed. Tomorrow we set off fireworks for my late cousin Christopher, I get my 30 day chip, we see Grandma and Grandpa. And??? I dunno what else. It will be a relaxing day I think. I am excited to see the fireworks! Christopher loved fireworks.

You Could Have Had It All

I'm addicted to my breasts. I love them just like they're my kids.

Ha ha, no I'm not, that's just some woman on the next episode of My Strange Addiction. My kids are Little Mister and Beatrix Kitty. Who are both sitting on the couch with me, Beatrix is meditating by the looks of it and Mister is having a snooze.

Today was a decent day. I went on two bus rides just to get out of the house and went to NA for half an hour (I forgot the meeting started at 8, I thought it started at 8:30 but that is the SOS group!). Next week I can pick up my 30 day chip. That's pretty exciting, because so far I just have two "Just for Today" keychains. Today is day 25.

I have to admit, I am depressed. I am super bummed out and it feels like it's always gonna feel this way (because that is what depression is like) and I know based on what I have read that I just have to grit my teeth and get through the next couple of weeks or so and then it will lift. It's the withdrawals. If it doesn't lift in three weeks I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and ask if I need my antidepressant upped. She would know what to do. I see my psych nurse on the 27th or 28th, and I will talk to her about it and how I am feeling.

I also haven't worked out as much this last week. That could be contributing to my lack of zest for life. It was really helping me before. I need to get back into it.

My psychic says I need to focus more, and that is true. I am working on it. Sometimes it seems really impossible, my brain is just all over the place. I have a desk and chair now, so I can actually set up my office. I am gonna devote an hour to that at the end of the day tomorrow so I can work down there, because while I have been working in the living room while Mum was away, when she comes back she is gonna want to watch TV again and will chase me away.

Wow, this woman is smelling mothballs all day. And this dude before was having a relationship with his car and actually had sex with it. What's he gonna do when his car is dead?

My psychic says I have to get picky and find someone who's decent, someone who can be my best friend. That makes sense. I think someday soon, when more of the withdrawals have gone away, I am gonna make a list of what I want in a partner. Aw crap, and I have to write my five year plan too! Although really she says I should just focus on my career right now and the rest will be ready to happen very soon.

I do have a big grant coming up that I have to work on next month, I am applying for funds to make Bunnyhug. I've only been talking about it the whole time I have been writing this blog. If I can't get cash to make it I am not sure what I will do. BUT hopefully because it is so meticulously thought out I will be a shoe in.

Where does that phrase "shoe in" come from anyway? Like a shoe in the door? Probably. Actually that makes the most sense.

Is it bad that part of me worries that NA folks are lowlifes? I know, I am being prejudiced. It's just that my reasons for using were so different than some of theirs. Like they had abuse and stuff, where as I was mostly using to self medicate my bipolar disorder. Although I know probably a lot of them were self medicating too. I dunno, I have only been to three meetings, I can't make assumptions about any of them.

I noticed that there are some notable babes out and about these days. I saw two girls on Saturday that seemed like hotties, and two girls at NA that were pretty hot. But I didn't get any numbers or anything. I am just noticing. I think that's a pretty good sign, it means I am starting to be open to someone new coming into my life. Before I was pretty wrapped up in being all moony over the past Big love. But now that I am sure it is never going anywhere, I feel like I can move on. No more waiting. No more feeling like garbage. No more asking for approval!

Feeling marginally better

Although Mom still hasn't told me she is kicking the bum out, I feel slightly better. It is funny who reads my blog, because at least three people came up to me today to tell me not to stab my alcoholic roommate. I won't. I promise. His pathetic life is not worth me going to prison. If shit happens again I will simply check myself into the hospital until I can find better housing. And I will forever hate my mother for putting me in this situation where I had to commit myself in order to keep my life together. It's just what will happen.

If she chooses him over me then she is not a good mother.

That is a FACT!

I went to see the live music night of Eat Your Art Out Judy Garland, it was really good! I came home early to give the pups cuddles and kisses and snacks and let them out to pee. Some weirdo who said he was from Vancouver tried to follow me when I was walking to the bus downtown, I walked fast and he started yelling "Hey! YOU!" Arg! This is the second weekend in a row I have felt threatened by a man on the streets. I consider myself to have street smarts though, I walked to the bus mall and was prepared to yell for the security guard and I put a key in my fist so I could punch him in the face and have a stabby thing to hurt him. But luckily he didn't keep following me.

I did take self defense but so far I haven't had to go apeshit on someone. I am prepared to though, I am just waiting for them to take the first swing. Then it's open season on their ass. I don't want to tempt the fates though, but I am ready.

As Spongebob Squarepants says "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"

I went to the Field House and worked out, did 30 minutes on the treadmill, going 3.5mph for ten minutes of it, went 1.5 miles, then I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. The elliptical works more of my body because I do the Mix3 mode and it has upper body exercises too, but it doesn't burn as many calories for me as the treadmill, oddly enough. Then we did ten minutes on the recumbent bike, which was a nice way to end the workout. I gained a pound since the last time I weighed myself. I don't know if it is muscle or beer.

Speaking of beer, I have begun to realize I don't care so much about getting drunk when I am out. I had four bottles of beer last night and that was one beer too many, and tonight I had two pints and I was done. Came home with ten bucks still in my pocket. That's good because it means tomorrow I can get some pop and chips, my original needs!

I used to tell my mum when I was a kid "I have needs!" And by needs I meant pop and chips. I guess when I was 18 those needs turned into beer and marijuana, which used to be fun but have long since lost their luster. Now I am ready to go back to the original needs. I used to have one small bag of chips and one glass bottle of coke everyday. Or rootbeer, or some other pop. I could get used to that routine again. It wasn't so bad. I was a pretty skinny kid too, because I would bike for an hour everyday in the summer and when I had Wesley, my golden retriever, I would walk him for an hour everyday, even in the horriblest winter weather. And still I had sugary pop and chips all the time.

Once a day anyway.

I am glad to hear again about my future relationships. People keep saying "But you can change it right?" because my psychic said I would fall off the wagon and issues would come up again and I would have a breakup with my next girlfriend. But I dunno, it seems inevitable. And now I feel bad for saying my next relationship won't last forever, because who's gonna want to be THAT relationship???? The doomed one. No, it still might be a lovely relationship, and I am sure I won't regret being close to someone again. Who knows, maybe I will get a girlfriend determined to prove my psychic wrong.

What was interesting was her saying it should have happened already, it's just these "moths" that I have to stop paying attention to and waiting for. She also said I was going to face some tests, where these moths want to spend time with me and I have to say no because nothing is going to happen anyway. So strange! I hope I smarten up and don't let myself get sucked into wishy washy thoughts of a future with someone who takes advantage of me and isn't good enough anyway.

On the bus home the bus driver stopped and asked me if I could smell something burning. Then when I was about to get off he was like "Are you sure you don't smell something? It smelled like marijuana." I was so glad I haven't smoked for 24 days, because I would be all paranoid that he could smell it on me. Speaking of smelling pot, I could smell it when we finished our workout in the Field House. Laurel says she always smells pot there. I have a feeling a lot of people get stoned and then work out. Ha ha ha, too funny. I remember being that stoner!

In my concurrent disorders group they have this thing where you have to play the tape to the end, and by that they mean you can't just say something fun about doing drugs or alcohol, you have to go all the way through to the consequences of your actions. So yes, the consequences for me of getting stoned were losing jobs, a nice place to live, stopping hanging out with some friends who didn't smoke up, losing my energy and motivation and having a dreadful lack of hygiene. I have to remember these things.

I don't want to fall off the wagon. I hope I don't. And even though my psychic said I would, I am not going to use that as an excuse to get ripped again. I've been doing pretty good but I am not going to be overconfident.

You take the good you take the bad

My roommate situation has worsened again. He got drunk Wednesday night and in true Steven Paul fashion kept us up most of the night with his loud music and intermittent screaming. I wrote a message to my Mom which she hasn't responded to still that I had had enough and wanted him to be kicked out. The next morning she said she was going to tell him he had to get out or go to treatment, but that isn't good enough for me. I don't give a shit if he ever sobers up, he can die drunk in a gutter for all I care, I just want him out of my house for good. I don't want to have any more sleepless nights, no more hiding my booze and my purse because if he is drunk he will do anything humanly possible to try and get more booze and get even more drunk. Anyway, then Mom went to Halifax, so I was left with the drunk for the weekend.

And he got drunk again last night on two litres of cider and talked to himself in the kitchen and turned his music up loud and was generally an asshole again. He tried to walk away with a nearly full beer of mine and when I took my last two beers to my room to hide he went around counting my empties and trying to find my other two beers, but he didn't. It was really frustrating, especially since I am bipolar and getting enough sleep is SUPER crucial to my mental well being. So I sent Mom another message that said if she didn't kick him out I was going to stab him to death, because I really do get violent angry thoughts when my sleep is being disturbed. I don't want to have to stab him to death, I am mostly a pacifist, but it's not like it would be a big loss to society anyway considering what a useless drunk he is. I am just SO MAD!

Okay, so I probably won't stab him. Probably. But I make no guarantees. Either way I want Mom to finally grow a pair and throw the douchebag the fuck out of the house. It's not healthy for me and she is pushing ME out of the house if she doesn't get rid of him, because I simply cannot and will not live with the motherfucker anymore. I don't give a fuck if he does go to treatment, he doesn't give a shit when he falls off the wagon, he never has to deal with consequences of his drinking and it is not fair! He should go to brief and social detox and then treatment and then a sober living facility, we are not a motherfucking group home for wayward alcoholics!

Anyway, the good thing that happened this week is I did see my psychic. She didn't say anything about the alcoholic cousin, hopefully because the obvious will happen and he will get kicked out or I will find a better place to live. But she did tell me my career would do well, I just have to reach out more and she gave me advice about how to get actors to be in my stuff and so on and so forth. And she also said this interesting thing about how she couldn't figure out my relationship status because I had what she called "moths" who flit around and like getting attention from me, but she doesn't like any of them and says I won't get anything from them, it will go no where, and that I can't spend time with them if they do want to hang out with me. She said I have to stop looking at people's potential and see them for who they are right now. And she said I have to balance out my outward tough appearance with my inner soft core, because I am not attracting the right people the way it is now and I will finally start attracting the right people when I fix that. It makes sense. She says these people take advantage of me and I have to stop letting people do that. She also said I would get into my next serious relationship in roughly 8 to 9 months, and that it would last a while but end when I fall off the wagon and issues come up again. BUT then two years after that I will meet someone and it will be good. And it will last for the rest of my life. She also said this interesting thing about a fight with a female relative a while ago and how it left a big hole in my aura and that I need to talk with her and say what I mean. I know exactly who she is talking about, and hopefully we will have a conversation this weekend.

Last night I had a dream I was smoking cigarettes. The other night when Steven got drunk I dreamt I smoked pot. And I felt so guilty, I was like "Aw shit, now I have to start that three weeks again!" Clearly this shows that stress makes me think about my old comrades the cigs and weed. Dammit. I don't want to think about them at all.

It is now day 24 without weed! :D I'm a little down, and I haven't worked out much this week. That might have something to do with it. I know I am still withdrawing, it sucks. Withdrawals! Bleh. I want to be happy again dammit. Living with an alcoholic isn't any good either, it has amped up my stress and anger and diminished my mental health. I am considering if it is time to go back to the hospital, because making a plan to stab someone to death, as annoying as they are, isn't a normal thing. I probably won't do it, but what if I do?? What if his stupid asshole drinking pushes me over the edge one night? Eeep! He needs to go live at the Salvation Army with his blind alcoholic brother if he wants to keep drinking. I've had it.

Sunday Drivers!

On Sunday I had my first driving class, everyone was like "Have fun driving!" but it was the in class portion where we just sat around hearing about the rules of the road and the Graduated Licensing Program and watched some gory videos about what happens when you text and drive and hitting deer on the road and some goofy drunks falling on their heads in front of the police. It was pretty good really, even though I already saw the texting video because it circulated on facebook a while back. Our instructor is going to Ecuador for ten days, so we won't be doing any in car hours until after the 20th when he comes back, but then I have six hours with him. The last two hours are the two hours just before the road test which he is gonna schedule for us and so hopefully by the time we do the test we won't be so nervous. It's a really good idea. And we will get to use his car for the road test. Excellent! It's First Nations Driving Academy, my Mum saw their car in town a while back and wanted me to try with them, but I couldn't find them in the phone book. Not a surprise since the business is up north actually, but he comes down to work for Saskatoon Tribal Council, who is paying for me to take this course.

And since I quit smoking up I will actually be able to practice driving with my mom. I won't be spending my days being intoxicated and thus unable to drive! Woot woot! I'm happy about that. The road test will happen before March 31st, so hopefully I will have my license in April! Awesome!

My new bra is irritating my back and I can't find my old bra. It's distressing me because now I have a sore on my back and it hurts. I've never had a bra make a raw spot before!!!!

Tomorrow morning I am learning Social Media for my Company at Praxis. I hope I wake up in time. After that I am going to see my psychic at noon. I am bringing my laptop so I can record the session with Garage Band. I'm really excited, I am hoping it will give me some direction and let me know if the decisions I am making now are the right ones. I am pretty sure they are, deciding to quit weed is fairly substantial and was necessary. It was long overdue, I just wasn't ready until I did quit almost three weeks ago. I was waffling and wavering on it for a long time. I knew it wasn't good for at least three years, but I didn't have that inner consensus about quitting until nineteen days ago. I still have some weed left, but it's in the vaporizer which is being given away soon to a friend of my mom's. And my mom is holding onto it and it's hidden in her room somewhere. Either way, I quit while I still had a titch left, and that actually felt kind of good, because I wasn't quitting with absolutely nothing.

I had this funny dream last night that I was heading to the altar expecting to marry some blonde dream woman who I was supposedly in love with, but when I got there my past big love was waiting for me and I was happy to see her. It was kind of funny because when I woke up I was like "Wait, that's not right! I'm trying to get over her!" And anyway, I don't think it will come true, because she does treat me bad when I try to be nice to her. So whatever, it must just be some weird subconscious thing.

A brain fart.

Mister and Beatrix Kitty are on my bed all curled up and sleeping, the little sweeties. Beatrix isn't pissing around on everything anymore, unless I don't take the laundry out of the basket quick enough, but my friend Carrie who I have been hitting the gym with lots and I agree that it's probably because she views laundry baskets as cozy litter boxes. She's not doing it maliciously anyway. Little Mister still barks too much, but he wasn't too bad tonight.

I finally got my grant cheque today! I was so excited, I went down to a Sasktel Mobility store to get my iPhone 4S and found out Sasktel wants a $500 deposit from me first! :O FOCK! So since most of my cheque has a hold on it, I am gonna wait until next week. I can wait a week longer. But I did get some gym runners, which are SWEET! And I got Microsoft Office for my laptop, so now I can read and write word documents, kind of a crucial piece of software for me, considering how much I like to write. PLUS I can now use Excel and Powerpoint too. Woot woot!

I've been having trouble configuring my email on my computer, first it would send emails but not receive any, now it receives but won't send. WTF? Something about my password not being right. What the hell!!!!????? ARG! I can figure it out, I know I can, it's just gonna take me a couple more hours. I have resolved to use webmail until tomorrow night when I will work on the damn thing some more. I gotta get it sorted.

Work is work. I have to really get cracking on it. I'm behind where I was hoping to be by now, but I can catch up.

The roommate situation has slightly improved, although the day I deleted my dealer's number he was drunk and pestering me to get him some ecstasy, and of course I told him "I deleted his number" but still he assumed I got E or something because I had money. I didn't though. There have been warnings about bad E going around that has meth in it and is killing people. So I'm turned off by it now. I wasn't ever a hardcore ecstasy user anyway though, it's not a major loss for me. Anyway, now he is talking about getting help for his addiction, and Mum is looking into a treatment centre in Lethbridge that was recommended to her by a social worker we know. The one here wouldn't be very good for him apparently. But she said when he comes back we might have to have a dry house, which is a major bummer for me because drinks cost more money if you have them in a bar or pub. And I like sitting at home and surfing the net with a beer in my hand. Sigh. Not all the time, just sometimes it is nice to have a six pack in the fridge.

Anyway, I still want to move out. I was thinking of moving out in a year when my business has had enough clients that I have enough in my business account to pay a minimum of three months wages for me, more would be better. But to have a guaranteed cushion of money to fall back on if I don't get clients for a while, that would be good.

I have to find the perfect place for Mister, Beatrix, my unknown roommate and myself though. A small house in a safe neighborhood with a fenced yard for Little Mister to frolic in. He really likes houses with yards, they make him happy. He'll wander around with his little tail wagging for no reason when he feels happy and secure in his housing, he gets depressed in apartments.

My inactive going nowhere crush resigned from working at my sister's group home, so I won't see her anymore. Kind of a bummer, I like seeing crushes even if they are never going to go anywhere anyway.

What else? Ah, not much else, I should go to bed because I do have to get up early and go to school and then my psychic and then do work work work. And then later on go to the gym and then go to bed again I guess.

OOOOHHHH! Nope, there is one other thing. I went to NA for the second time in my life yesterday night. There is a meeting in my neighborhood every Sunday at 8, so I went and I mostly liked it because it was a lot less sweary than the meeting I went to on Broadway. The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was this guy blaming all the women at the meeting for not helping out this other woman who was having a hard time and left before the meeting ended. I felt it was a bad way to end the meeting and just bad form all around. I didn't stick around for the birthday cake and I feel kinda weird. I might go back. I probably will go back. But the next meeting I am gonna try and get to is the SOS meeting, it's a Secular Sobriety meeting for people who don't feel they fit in with AA/NA etc. The only problem is it is only on twice a month, and I don't know if that is often enough for me right now. I am also going to still attend my Concurrent Disorders group, because I like that one and it is really supportive and there are professionals who work with us, I think one is a psych nurse and one is an addictions worker. Either way, it is more my speed and I can relate to the people there the best. And that is once a week every Friday. I am also ordering the Lifering workbook, which is another Secular Sobriety program that people can do on their own or attend meetings. There are no Lifering meetings in my area, but I read Empowering Your Sober Self and liked it, and their workbook is their other publication and I read selected chapters that they have as PDFs on their website and found it useful. So I'm going to see if it helps.

Well GOODNIGHT! I hope I have some awesome dreams! Getting my dreams back have been nice, they are slowly getting more and more frequent and clear. I remember them a lot better. Tonight I talked with one of my close friends, Robin, and it was really good and she was happy about all the changes in my life and that I am off weed. The only crappy thing about our conversation was how much her phone cut out! Oh well.

Well Fuck That!

It's Day 17! The end of Day 17. Last night I was around people smoking weed, and Budder, which is this super concentrated THC made from putting butane through marijuana buds and which costs ounce per ounce the same as gold. I was offered some, but I said no I quit and they said "Good for you" and that was that. It was pretty positive. I felt sort of tempted, but I didn't want to fall back into that old stupid habit. I don't want to be a chronic anymore and I know I can't be a social smoker, it's all or nothing with me.

I had a good chat on facebook tonight with a friend over this issue of being in love with someone who makes me feel stupid and dweeby. She said not to give that girl power over me in that way and that I should just concentrate on the good things that are happening in my life and that eventually hunnies would come when I am all sorted. It's true. I want to be open to falling in love with someone new, someone who doesn't make me feel like shit. Someone who isn't going to take off if I have mental health problems again, which to be honest I probably will. Maybe not as bad, but at some point I am gonna be depressed or ridiculously manic. It's just what I have to deal with. And I can't be with someone and promise I won't have those problems, because there's only so much I can do to stay healthy.

So fuck her and fuck that and to hell with being in love. I want to get rid of my feelings for her and move on and be open to someone more suited to me, not someone who's going to tell me I'm not good enough for her because I don't have whatever she defines as ambition. She doesn't even have an undergraduate degree, I don't know where she gets off talking about a lack of ambition on my part.

Good things that are happening: well, I was offered another contract dealing with some performance archival footage for a local artist run organization, and I start my drivers education tomorrow at noon. I am finally seeing my psychic on Tuesday, which is really exciting, I am ready to find out about my future and get some direction again, I am hoping it will help me work on my five year plan. My quitting cigarettes is still going well, I'm on 2mg lozenges and I don't have very many in a day, but I am still not ready to give them up completely. Like I said earlier I am on day 17 of no weed, and that is going well. And I am hitting the gym again tomorrow, which will be good for me, healthy. Make me happy. I've been going about five times a week or so, for an hour each time plus 20-30 minutes in the sauna after. It's been really good for my detoxing. The only thing is I haven't been knitting as much as I was for a while, it's like I replaced knitting with going to the gym, and I think I need some more balance. Knitting is really nice. Plus I did want a scarf. So I should get back to it.

I do have hope for my life, I think I am finally getting back on track with where I want to be. I just wanted to be healthy and to have motivation again and so on and so forth. I want to make my feature film and make other films and continue progressing with my life. I dunno, maybe I'm not even ready for a relationship, there is a lot of adjusting I have to do now that I am not a chronic. There is one other person I would totally have a long term relationship with, but she lives way too far away. Still, she is really nice and cute and sexy and oh sigh. I would totally import her to Canada if she was into it, but I don't think she is into it.

Plus, oh, I think I am not done experimenting. I want to try monogamy for a change. I think it would be nice to just be with one person, to devote all my loving and sexual energy to that one person and not be always pressured to keep looking for other lovers to make it fair that my partner has various other lovers. That really sucks. I'm kind of tired of poly relationships, I think they are a bit fake, and I just want to see if it would work out better for me to make a commitment to someone. One someone.

My friend made a point that my other dynamic was not very equal, and that is a concern. I need a more equal relationship, even for a submissive equality is important. I don't want to end up with someone who has some kind of superiority complex. That's really boring. I couldn't be a good submissive if I felt like garbage. I wouldn't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. I guess some bottoms like being treated like trash, but I am not one of them, I like being highly valued, I think that's the way it should be.

Anyway, I have some shows coming up at the Mendel this year and next year, I am in the It Is What It Is show that the National Gallery of Canada did of their recent acquisitions, and they are showing it here. And this other curator approached me about showing a few videos in a couple years. 2013 or 2014. And I am sure I have other shows coming up other places.

So yeah, fuck this love that never loved me. I deserve way more. I'm tired of trying and being treated like crap. Surely there is someone out there who is looking for a Thirza, someone who would be so into the kind of person I am and the kind of relationship I want. I feel like no one has ever really satisfied me yet. They've come close, but really I would never get back together with any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. No one has ever totally explored my submissive tendencies and my masochism, for example. I always feel rejected when I mention things I would be so into and my lovers act like I am a freak.

Adjusting to my new life

It's now two weeks. One third of the way through the first heavy duty detoxing six weeks of being clean. I paid my debt to The Dude and deleted his number from my phone. I know if I was wiley I could get in touch with him again, it's really mostly symbolic, but symbolism helps. I did buy a 50 dollar bra, I went to my favorite bra store and got fitted (40D) and picked out this cute navy blue soft cup number with some white lacy accents. Then I bought a book called "Butch is a Noun" by S. Bear Bergman which I had seen around and which I read while waiting for The Dude to meet me and get his cash. It's really good, and especially relevant considering I am now making a video about being butch.

I've told my Mom that she can give my portable vaporizer to her friend who wanted it when I was done with it, and I am done with it.

There's not much else exciting about quitting. I went to the gym tonight and did my routine and then sat in the sauna and talked with my friend Carrie. Working out that hard elevated my mood, which was really good for me. I'm really getting into it.

Introductions to the weight room jumped from 30 bucks to 47! :O Woah! Still, I do want to learn, so when some more cash comes in I will fork it over.

I figured out exactly how to properly rip a DVD for FCP X, I just have to buy the software. I was doing an experiment with the trial software and it worked, but it puts a watermark on the video so it was just a test. Either way, I am glad because now I can finally get to work and rack up some billable hours.

I'm needing to find a good place to do my work. Someplace quiet, where Coronation Street isn't on.

My grant money is supposed to come in on Friday or Monday. I need to buy the plane ticket soon, before the fares go up up up. I guess I should also check my passport and find out when it expires. The folks in Australia didn't get their funding, so it looks like I am not going after all. Maybe that is a good thing, I can't really afford a trip to Australia AND a month in Germany in one year. Not yet anyway.

I'm seeing my psychic in less than a week! :D I'll get to know my future! And if I should just let this one thing go or not. I really need to know. My friends told me I wouldn't let it go even if she told me I should. Maybe they are right. But at least then I would be aware it was hopeless.

I don't know the next step in my recovery. I guess I could go to 12 step meetings, but I don't really like AA or NA. I'm going to my concurrent disorders group again on Friday. They are pretty helpful. I'm still reading that website with a page for each of the first 30 days. Today it was about deep breathing and "taking a breather" when one is stressed out. I suppose I could write about my feelings in my diary, the feelings I don't express in my blog.

I'm so relieved my debt is paid and that I deleted his number. It was weighing on me. Now I feel like I can move on.

Spring is coming soon and I am still not done my friggin' scarf. Dammit! I'll be done it for next year, next year I will have the nicest warmest scarf ever!

Depression! For no good reason except it is day 13!

UGH! Day 13 and I slipped into a funk later in the day. This evening I went for a really long walk with Shavonne and talked about a bunch of things and THAT was good, it wasn't as hardcore as the elliptical, I mean I wasn't sweating, but it did cover a whole wide area and we walked up one side of the river and down the other and over two bridges. It was good. It brought me up a little, but I can tell this little slump might hang around for a bit. I could go see my psychiatrist to get my antidepressants upped, but I am going to try and wait it out and see if it gets better or worse.

Detoxing sucks! If this is the only major side effect I get from coming off of weed, then that's pretty good really. I know how to deal with depression. But it's rough on my outlook and energy, it almost feels like being stoned and depressed, and I was quitting to get away from that shit. It's supposed to be pretty common to get depressed. Blah! I'm just keeping on with my medications and hoping my mood stabilizers and antidep helps me out here.

I spent my 15 bucks and 13 I borrowed from Mom on a yoga mat. I am going to try and do some yoga in the mornings with the Namaste lady on tv. Namaste, bitches! I'm also meaning to do a drop in yoga class.

I was reading about other issues people have with withdrawals. Sweating, bad dreams, upset stomachs, loss of appetite. None of that has happened to me so far. So I guess I am doing pretty good really! I'm not really having anxiety either. I do have a bit of a case of the dumbs though, which bums me out. Like I'll be sitting with my mom and I won't know what to talk about. Or she'll try to start a conversation and I can't hold up my end of it very well, which is what I was like when I used. I guess I am distracted by all these feelings.

Tomorrow I get paid for February, and I can finally pay off an old drug debt and then take my next MAJOR step of deleting my dealer's number from my phone. That will make me super happy. I think I'm ready. I'm glad I get paid tomorrow, I really need it. I need to give myself some kind of reward by getting something that isn't drugs. I was thinking of buying a new 50 dollar bra or something. Something that would make me feel good. I also want to get an iPhone, but I might wait until the end of February when my business gets some money coming in, since it's actually a business expense. I'm going to consider very carefully what to do with my money. Something life affirming I think. The bra is a pretty good idea. Maybe some runners too, for the gym. And 30 bucks for an introduction to the weight room at the field house. See, I don't even know what to do with extra dollars! What do I do? I used to always spend my cash on marijuana. Or booze. But I don't even feel like drinking booze, and I'm trying really hard to avoid cross addiction.

Actually, this is the time when I should get my next tattoo. Cherry blossoms on a branch on my left arm. I've been planning it for years and it has a deep meaning which is very relevant to my life at this moment in time. I used to get depressed every winter in Vancouver when the city was covered with a grey slate sky dripping rain, and I would promise myself not to make drastic decisions like suicide until the cherry trees blossomed. And of course by then there was sun and my depression would lift and I wouldn't want to kill myself anymore. They always felt like hope to me. So I really want them on my arm, I just never had the extra cash to get it. But I guess I do now. I should do some research and find a good artist, hopefully a female artist because up till now all my tats have been inked by women. It would be a fitting end to my self destructive twenties which extended into my early 30's.

I'm anticipating it taking about four hours, that's roughly 400 bucks plus tip. It will probably take a couple sessions because I've only ever been able to sit for two and a half hours on a good day.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep. Thank god for my night meds, because they have spared me the horrors of withdrawal related insomnia! And even if there is some insomnia I always have back up Trazodone! :D

Continuing Progress

Today is day 12. Almost two weeks clean! I am finally getting some real time from the last time I smoked up. I have had some dreams that are pretty vivid, but not a LOT of dreams. My mom noticed my teeth have gotten significantly whiter. Today I did some work on my contract and registered for a gst number for my business and went to the gym. I chickened out from doing a full 20 minutes on the elliptical though. On Saturday I went to the gym with some girls and did 20 minutes, and it was really good, but I just wasn't able to go that far today.

I had a short craving today for weed when I looked wistfully at the place I used to stand and smoke, but I shook it off and told myself I don't smoke anymore, and that satisfied me enough that I didn't think about it again.

I am keeping myself really busy, and that has helped a lot. Going to the gym, doing work related stuff, reading about marijuana addiction online, running errands, keeping myself clean, I haven't knit in a while but I plan to do more of that too.

I got 15 dollars worth of change the other day and I traded it with my mom and cousin for 3 five dollar bills. In the past I would have searched out someone who would sell me a piddly 15 dollars worth of weed, but that's history. I didn't need smokes either since I haven't smoked since December 6th. So I still have fifteen dollars in my purse. I don't know what I will spend it on. I don't feel like buying beer. I do have things I need to get, but they require more than 15 dollars, so until then it is just this small amount of disposable income I have. I might stick it in a jar and save it for something. Or I could buy an iTunes card, which actually makes some sense, considering I have a new computer and need some tunes on it.

I know there are things I have to develop now that I am committing to a weed-free lifestyle. Going to the gym has been really nice, it is getting me in touch with my body. Actually, if I just had 15 more dollars I could pay for someone at a leisure centre to introduce me to the weight room and working out with weights, which is good for sculpting your body. And I have noticed a slight change in my muscle definition in my upper arms from doing the elliptical. It's something I wanted to learn.

I'm not feeling trapped in terrible thoughts like I was when I used. Sometimes I would just start thinking about all kinds of negative things and get stuck there when I was stoned. Being stoned doesn't always mean being happy, actually in the end I got depressed when I used.

I hear working out is really good when you are detoxing from marijuana, and for me that has proven to be true. I like the endorphins I get, and it has really kept down the cravings.

I have finally found some good websites to read while I do this. The University of Notre Dame has a really good webpage for the first 30 days clean, you are supposed to read one page every day and it gives you advice. I found it on day 8, but I bookmarked it and have been visiting it diligently everyday since.

It seems like a lot has changed in the last couple of months. And to think it all started with quitting smoking. It's pretty amazing. I really hope things stay good, that I stay quit and clean and go to the gym on a regular basis and continue to knit and build up my work ethic again. I used to have an awesome work ethic. It piddled out in 2003 when I had my episode and was super chronic. I've got to get it back. I think it is coming back, I like the work I am doing now, my business is something I am passionate about and I know I am lucky because not many people get to do what they love for a living.

My big love did write back. She said she didn't think us seeing each other was a good idea yet, and I actually had to agree. I feel like I need to work on myself a bit more before I can see her. But I was happy she said yet, because that means there might be a time in the future when it will be a good idea for us to hang out. And she does mean a lot to me.

Day 9 - Feelings, nothing more than feelings!

Being a chronic dulls a lot of emotions. This is good and bad. It's good because all those bad emotions like sadness and anger are dulled out and you don't really care about it. Bad because those good feelings are ALSO dulled out. Also not feeling and thus not working through "negative" emotions keeps you stagnant.

I am having regular emotions again.

I get sad and angry and happy and content and all kinds of things I forgot I could feel. Sometimes I get surprised by tiny tears forming in my eyes because I am feeling something. And it's not necessarily something that is even happening NOW, it could be something from the past that I haven't thought about in a long time.

The other day I was thinking about my cousin Christopher who fell to his death in an industrial accident in 2006. I thought about the feeling of falling and the impossibility of saving oneself and I thought about how scary that must have been for him, and it made me really upset. Intellectually when it happened I knew all that, but for the first time I really really FELT it. And that shocked me. It was such a surprise because it has been six years and it felt so long ago now but I was a heavy user even then and I don't think I really processed it the way I should have at the time.

That kind of thing is going to keep happening to me, I know it. And I really can't do much else besides work through those feelings. I can't just switch to another substance and numb myself out, I have to confront all these old feelings I didn't feel.

I'm a bit worried. I feel like I didn't cry as much as I should have/would have about my last break up, and I am worried it is really going to hit me and make me upset all over again, in a deeper more fundamental way than when it was actually happening.

BUT I am also feeling this profound sense of joy and excitement about my life, like I am really living, REALLY living! And that also makes me feel a sense of awe, like I have potential I had forgotten about. When I was just starting my video/film career I was so optimistic and had big dreams, and I never really lost those dreams, but I lost the motivation and focus to actualize them. And for the first time in a while I feel hope, hope that I can actually get my career back on track and make something out of myself. I feel like I really could make a low budget guerrilla feature film that could get some attention. I feel like I just might be able to change the world in some way through my art.

And for the first time I have some positive thoughts about moving out of my Mom's house, like I could manage to earn enough of a living to pay for a rental property with a yard for Mister and get a queer/native roommate to help cover the rent. Like I could really live on my own again and even keep the place clean and make my own dinners. It's not going to happen right away, not for months. But I think it will happen. I can see it happening. I might even make enough to get a down payment on my own house in five years, which is something I really want.

Things are looking up. But this will mean I have to emotionally grow, and growth can be painful sometimes. Still, these feelings mean more to me than any high I got from pot. I think the only high I ever really liked was when I was 19 and went to the laser light show. But the rest of them are forgettable. Completely forgettable. Just something I did. I used to think really good things about weed. Now I just see how many hours and years I wasted getting stoned instead of having a life. I tolerated so much crap getting stoned. Crappy surroundings, crappy conversations, crappy food, crappy movies. I used to watch CSI and get stoned and forget how it ended and always be surprised when that episode came on again.

I don't know what else to write about today. I'm seeing my psychic so soon! I hope she says good things, although I know she is a realist who will tell me exactly what is going on. That's good though. I need to know that stuff.

I'm lonely for a girlfriend. But maybe I'm not even ready for one yet? I don't know. I think I could handle it. I think I could finally be a good girlfriend. I just don't know who.

I asked the love of my life if she wanted to spend time with me again. She just didn't respond at all. I can live with that. I think I will end up with the right woman, and maybe it isn't even her. Maybe there is someone I don't even know yet.

I have a more reliable gym buddy now, although she is leaving in a few months. But today we sat in the sauna after working out and it was awesome!

I am also thinking of getting Rosetta Stone and learning more German. More than my teeny tiny amount of German, I would like to be able to have a rudimentary conversation when I am in Hamburg this summer.

I finished a short Super 8 film which screened in Toronto tonight, and this spring/summer will be making a short video about being Butch and considering transitioning to male before changing my mind. And this spring I am putting in a grant application to the Canada Council to finally make Bunnyhug, with the most money you can get from the CC in Media Arts, but which is a far cry from the 250,000 digital low budget feature I could have made with CFC if only they had accepted my application. I am feeling pretty excited about all this creative output, and I think now that I have gotten clean, it is all realistic.

That's what's up. Things are going to keep changing, I know it. I just have to be prepared to ride it out and learn how to deal with life, sans weed.

Entrepreneurial Spirit!

I'm working out later today, which makes me happy, but I am also happy about new developments with my video editing company, because I have a contract for a job! I met with my client today and went over the project and got the footage to import and the price was agreeable to her and so IT'S ON! This means several good things. One: I don't have to dip into my living allowance to pay for my company's MacBook Pro. Two: I will be able to afford to get Final Cut Pro X and renew my Incorporation for the year (I incorporated last year on Valentines Day!). And Three: I will be able to pay my web designer, who also did my logo and business cards, and we will both be happy! Besides that when I get paid all the money I will be able to put some more into equipment for my business and save up some for future pay cheques to myself. I have to make a living and my income is only guaranteed until the end of July. So I hope more work comes in and hopefully at the end my client will let me use an excerpt for my reel on my website. 'Cause I don't think it's very enticing for a video editing company to not have a reel on their website.

For the first time in a long while I feel optimistic about my company. I have crappy credit so I wasn't able to get a loan, but a while ago at the last meeting with the people at Praxis School of Entrepreneurship one of the people said I should use my companies income to purchase capital. But it was always a bit of a chicken and egg thing: I needed equipment to do work but I couldn't get the equipment unless I had work. UGH! But financially things have been going my way these days, which is a relief!

I'm so happy that I almost feel manic, although I know I am not because I have been diligent about taking my medication and I am not having bizarro thoughts of being uber special or things like that, getting messages, blah blah blah. Things are just working really well for me right now.

I think finally quitting pot has really helped. It would make me depressed and focus on the bad things in life, and my self esteem as a pot head wasn't good either. This clear feeling is miles better than the stoned feeling actually, I don't have that sense of guilt hanging over my head. And my feelings are REAL. It's a little weird adjusting to having emotions that aren't dulled and hazy. It's only been 8 days, I think at 14 days I will start noticing more differences, because that will be a long time, for me, to be clean.

Exercising has been really good for me too, I was always told it was a good mood stabilizer, but I never got into it, probably because I was smoking up and too lazy and apathetic to get to the gym or go for long walks. It increases my confidence too, to know I can go through a full body workout on the elliptical for fifteen minutes, or to do five minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph before going back down to 3 mph for ten. It's nice to set these little goals and actually reach them.

Now I am going to be using my brain for work, which also makes me feel pretty good. I get to exercise my creativity and logic and all those cerebral things involved in editing. And clearly being clean is REALLY good for that.

I hope this works out. I would hate to look for a J.O.B. job. Working for myself feels pretty good, although realistically I acknowledge my clients are my bosses while I'm doing a contract. My psychic once said I would live a comfortable life. So maybe I really will finally be able to be an editor, like I always wanted! It's my all time dream job.

I'm seeing my psychic soon! Woooooooooooooooo! I am so curious to find out what she has to say about my life now that all these things have happened in the last five years!

I still want to make a five year plan. I really should do that.

Woot! A Happy Thirza makes for a Happy World

I've been having a really good day. I learned how to find Requests for Proposals online and how to read the RFP and how to write a proposal. So that was good. Then I went home for lunch and then went back out to see my Psych Nurse. I told her about all the good things going on in my life, like staying Quit for cigarettes for seven weeks, and quitting MJ last Wednesday and getting exercise at the Leisure Centres. She told me I was looking really good and asked for the name of the book that made me decide to get clean. And she gave me a CD to listen to when I am falling asleep to help me relax.

Then I came home and played with my new Macbook Pro (!!!!) and we went out for dinner to Prairie Ink. Then I came home and did some work typing up notes for my Mom's Indian Art History Class (I learned a lot about the Kwakiutl!) and then I did 1.48 miles on the treadmill in half an hour and burned 181 calories and sweated sweated sweated. It made me feel pretty good. THEN I got a request for a quote for my company. My first client! So stoked, I finally get to do some work! It's for a 90 minute documentary. Pretty exciting!

So it's been a good day. I also registered for an introductory workshop in Adobe After Effects, which would bring up my skill set and allow me to do more advanced editing and video manipulation. I'm happy about that.

Things are looking up! And you know, quitting weed hasn't been as hard as quitting cigarettes. Quitting cigarettes was so hard the first few weeks. It's gotten miles easier now, but the first bit was awful, even though I really wanted to quit for so long. I am hoping staying clean works out for me, because I can already tell I am much more productive and excited about things than I was before. Also I am smarter and have more energy and just feel pretty good.

Doing exercise to get endorphin highs and to help myself detox from mj is working pretty good. I really like it. I used to hate exercise. And I didn't want to be a fat hating fatty trying to get all skinny. But now I think I have better reasons to work out than changing my body. Although I would like to get into some weight lifting just to build up some muscle mass, like those cute muscles just below the shoulder on my arms.

Life is good. My super 8 film "Sight" is screening at the 8 fest in Toronto this Friday at 11pm. I hope the screening goes well. It's kind of a heavy little film, 3 min 23 sec. It might actually be 3 seconds longer than the film, I tried to time it right but I am not sure. I'm going to telecine it again when it comes back to me and slap some credits and the audio onto it and release it as a video. I feel pretty happy with how it turned out.

Now I am going out to tape some Northern Lights. I've been trying to get this footage for ages and because of the big Solar Storm, there are supposed to be AMAZING lights! I've been checking the Aurora Forecast, but I think I just have to go out and look around. HDV footage of the Aurora Borealis. I'm not sure what I will do with it yet, but it goes with some HD footage of fireworks that I shot a couple summers ago. I want to experiment.

Okay, well, that's all I have to report. Life's good. I have no dates, but I have my dog and cat and my health. And that's good enough for me!

Germans and their Cougar Labia

I've been trying to get shit done. Getter done! I just finished my audio for my super 8 film and emailed it to the festival that currently has the reel for it. I hope it works out. We will see. I also sent off a question to the sales support folks at my webhost. I didn't get an invoice for another year of service and so I don't know if they will cut me off in a couple days or if they are letting me have another year without paying. I don't know! I also have to sort out this trip to Germany and this trip to Australia because suddenly the dates are really close and I think it's a little fucked up because I can't be two places at once. I really need to spend the whole month in Hamburg and when I made plans for the residency it was when I thought the trip to Australia was in April. Now it's at the same time. SHIT! Something has to change!

So that's up. And I also have to do some work related things like continue to work on my website for my company and get these business cards to the printer and then drop off the finished cards at various places about town. I also have to get my laptop and blah de blah, download the new Final Cut Pro which EVERYBODY hates because it's so different. But Avid Media Composer costs about as much as the laptop, which is WAY out of my current price range.

Sigh. WEIRD! I feel stoned and I haven't smoked up! Maybe it's residual THC in my body coming out to say hello. I talked with someone this weekend who has abstained for almost a year and she said you feel stoned every so often when it is breaking down in your body, cause it is stored in fat. Weird!

I didn't smoke up all weekend. I haven't smoked up since I quit on Wednesday. I'm feeling fairly determined to really hold onto my sobriety. I'm still drinking, probably indulged too much this weekend. But I didn't drink today and I won't for a few days. I'm feeling positive about the whole letting go of weed thing. It's taken me a long time to get to this feeling. I'm liking the clearness I have and the energy and the getting things done stuff. I am not missing it yet. I was going to be clean for a minimum of six weeks, but after talking to someone this weekend I am thinking maybe a year clean would let me understand more fully what life without it could be like. Saying I will quit forever scares me a little, not as much as it used to but I don't want to say forever just yet. Even in the 12 step programs they tell you to concentrate on being sober today and not worrying about the future.

I went to Regina this weekend for my Dad's opening and the Queer City Performatorium. Queer Performance Art! I really liked all the artwork I engaged with this weekend, and I liked seeing people I don't get to see often. I even liked the bus ride down there and back, I just listened to my tunes and looked out the window at the world going by.

It was pretty awesome. And I ended up only passing by people smoking up once, and didn't feel like I should linger and get a puff. I didn't really care.

I haven't smoked a cigarette for six weeks and five days! :D This is really exciting, almost three weeks longer than my last quit. Not as long as the six months I once did without smoking, but pretty good. It feels real now, like I can really do it and am doing it and will never smoke another cigarette again! And my self esteem is so much better. SO MUCH BETTER! I feel like I am not being so stupid as to put myself at risk of dying painfully and slowly.

I go to see my psych nurse on Tuesday. I know she'll be happy to hear about my quitting weed, she's been fussing about my using for years. And now I won't have to hear about how I have to quit, which is good. She can nag pretty good. And my Mom is way happier that I am not using. She will probably find other things to pick at me about, but there is one less thing to fuss about.

And I am also happy that I don't have to go outside in the terrible cold and feel embarrassed that I am spreading a skunky smell all over the neighborhood.

I hope my cheque comes tomorrow. I really want to get my laptop. I would be so relieved to have a functioning computer that is all mine.

So life is good. I am good. I am getting clean and letting my psyche be healed by the passage of time. I am still curious about getting to an online Marijuana Anonymous meeting, but the timing hasn't worked out yet, and I couldn't do it while I was in Regina.

I want to get the workbook for the secular sobriety folks, I think I would feel more comfortable working out my issues with that. I know I have to make some other changes to my life because using for 14 years has impacted how I think and behave I am sure. I can stop being sneaky, which is nice, cause I hate being sneaky even though I know all the spots in Saskatoon and Vancouver where you can smoke up and not get caught. I don't have to worry about getting into legal trouble, which is nice. Although if people snoop around on me before hiring me and find out I used to smoke drugs, they might be less inclined to give me a job. But would I want to work for that kind of an asshole anyway? I don't think so. And there are lots of other reasons people wouldn't hire me, like being a queer native woman with a bachelors degree. And having pink hair currently.

Sigh. I did find out someone will give me some work when they have funding. But who knows when that will be.

I didn't exercise all weekend. I missed it. I really want to get to the field house tomorrow and hop on the elliptical.

Someone found my blog by googling Cougar Labia. Someone from Germany. Ha ha ha!

Can a book do that?

I was looking for a book in the library on quitting smoking and then when I didn't find one I wanted to read I started looking in the section on recovery from addiction. I found this book called Clean: a new generation in recovery speaks out written by Chris Beckman from the Real World. I looked at it a bit more in the car and felt like maybe I was too old for it since it was geared towards youth in recovery. But as I read it doing my silly loop around on the bus it started making me think about poor decisions I had made while stoned and being in pursuit of highs, decisions that lead me to lose a really good job and a cheap place to live. And as I read about all this crazy shit Chris had been through during his using years, I realized I was not that different really, my using was not special or safe because it was mostly marijuana. I still put myself in dodgy situations and screwed up certain parts of my life, like being so stoned I didn't care to clean my house or myself or do work or make art even, something I had been so passionate about during art school and even high school.

So I read the whole book cover to cover in a few hours. It wasn't a long book, but it was still a lot of information to digest. I found myself being irritated by all the mistakes he and other people in the book had made, and then it made me irritated with myself.

The last time I used was yesterday at noon. I didn't really mean to quit yesterday, I just got tired of what little I had left and didn't bother to keep smoking it. I HAVE meant to quit smoking since before new years, since years before then even. It was on my list, to do my six sober weeks and then decide what to do about it after doing that. Like if I should go back to it or not.

It's time to do my six sober weeks. I am going to keep drinking, for now, because I don't feel as compelled to drink as I do to smoke. But I am going to try really hard to abstain from that thing I love that has fucked up my life.

I don't like NA, but I did find the online Marijuana Anonymous meeting schedule and wandered into a chat room where I got some informal support. Which helped. I felt shy and sheepish, so I didn't stay long.

I worked out tonight on the treadmill because I hear exercise is really good when detoxing, since marijuana is fat soluble and so burning off some fat is just good to get it out of your system. Also I drank a whole pot of chamomile tea to relax myself. I got that a while ago because I know I am going to get SUPER BITCHY and generally unpleasant to be around for a while. It could be weeks. I am not looking forward to it. But smoking up just to put off the inevitable irritability isn't going to work. It will just keep me in the hamster wheel of marijuana addiction.

I think marijuana should be legalized. I think there are people who can use it responsibly. I just don't think I am one of those people.

It's been 33 hours since I have smoked up. I am going to try to hold on to that. I'm going away for the weekend and I know I will be around someone who may smoke up a bit while I am with them. That makes me a nervous. I should really just tell him straight up that I am trying to stay clean. He would respect that I think.

Wow. A book on becoming sober might have helped me become sober. The library, is there anything it can't do?

Tired of this shit

I'm really frustrated with Canada these days. I'm sick of colonization, I am just so FUCKING SICK of being a colonized person. My land is being desecrated by some assholes in parliament who want to further colonize us through evangelical values being imposed on the population. It sucks. I don't want Steven Harper in my country, I think all of us Natives should just run him out on a rail. He should be banished to America!

And our rights are getting eroded away. He just annulled all of the same sex marriages of foreigners who have been using their Canadian marriage licenses to secure equal rights as spouses in their countries. What an asshole thing to do.

That reminds me of a great plan I have to make asshole stickers and put them on the back ends of cars that park badly. Like those big shiny trucks that straddle two parking stalls so that they won't get scratched. I always want to key them, but I think I would get into less trouble if I put an asshole on their rear end. I would make them look like Vonnegut's asshole from Breakfast of Champions, a little cartoon asterisk.

I should put an asshole sticker on Steven Harper's car. Someone get me a grant so I can go to Ottawa and do it!

I'm tired of being oppressed. That's all it is. I'm tired of the level of racism in Canada towards Indigenous people. I'm tired of the fact that over 600 aboriginal women have gone missing or been murdered and nobody else cares. I'm tired of the police state our country is becoming. I'm tired of being involved in dodgy wars with questionable aims. I'm tired of people here resigning themselves to waiting around until 1215 instead of actually DOING something. I'm tired of worrying if I will ever really be able to be married or if the world is going to go backwards and I will lose my chance because some dickwad defined marriage as being between one man and one woman.

We need proportional representation. I'm sick of the way our democracy is corrupt to the core, yet we act like we're some forward thinking nation compared to the rest of the world.

So yeah. I guess it's time to make more activist art again. I don't know what else to do, I'm an artist, and art can be useful in times like this. Just think of Act Up and Gran Fury bringing the AIDS epidemic to the public discourse. It's a hopeful way of looking at the world. I don't know that I can change the direction the country is headed, but I can try.

Money is the root of all poopy stuff!

I am waiting for $1000 for living allowance for January from Saskatoon Tribal Council and it is already the 11th. Apparently my cheque was ready on Monday, but then someone locked it up and got sick and went home with the key and won't return phone calls. So my cheque is locked up until this person gets better. SHITTY! I am so broke! And I hate being broke. It's been a pissy month with lots of borrowing money and that sucks too because I am made to feel so badly about it. And I can't do anything about it because I certainly don't have the key to the cabinet that holds my cheque.

The only thing I don't understand is that it was ready Monday but when I went on Monday I was told it wasn't ready and to come back the next day. And by the next day it was locked up and Ms. Lady was sick.

Sigh! I have shit that needs doing! I hate having people toy with me over money. I suppose I should just get used to it if I am running a business. People are assholes!

Anyway.

I am still exercising! I went to the field house yesterday and did a bunch of exercising and even did the elliptical for five more minutes than the last time, and it wasn't as hard this time! I thought I had more muscley bits in my tummy but Laurel said a few days of exercise wouldn't make that much of a difference so fast. But I am starting to feel a little stronger, even though it is probably a miniscule difference.

I knitted a bunch today. It was good, I am almost halfway done my scarf! :D

I also booked an appointment with my psychic. It's time for me to find out more! I need to know about a few things, like my future romantic life and my current business I am trying to get off the ground. Last time I saw her I was also looking for direction and it really helped. I am hoping I will get some direction again. It's been five years! That's enough time between readings. The last time I went she told me about many things that ended up happening. She didn't tell me about my oncoming major manic episode, but she did tell me about a break up that was pretty much directly related to that episode. She also told me about being rejected for some film thing I applied to. She said "I don't want to say it's fixed, but you won't get it." Which I didn't.

She did tell me in the long term I would live a comfortable life and that I would go far. But I need more confirmation, because so far it has been me being broke living with my Mom.

Plus I really need to know some personal stuff. Which I will hopefully find out.

I've still got to sit down and write out some goals I want to reach in setting up my business. Right now I am focused on marketing issues, like getting my website and business cards done. But I have to write reports to my funders WHO STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME MY CHEQUE so I need to have more concrete things to report about my business advancing.

I don't even know if I should be living with my Mom, but Mister the dog needs a backyard to be a happy boy and barks too much for an apartment anyway. And I can't afford a house on my own. Maybe when I get a girlfriend I can. Sigh. Living with Mom, such a frowned upon living arrangement.

Good News!

I just got some good news today. I saw the postperson leaving and went to get the mail and found two slim envelopes, one addressed to my Mum and the other one addressed to me, from the Sask Arts Board. Mum and I opened them up and we both got our grants!

This means two major things:

I can go to Germany to do my residency.

I can get a new laptop.

The residency is a ways off yet, but as soon as I get my cheque I am going and getting myself a new computer. My computer is from 2003 when I got a grant to write a screenplay. I am getting a 15 inch Macbook Pro. And some software. It will be a big relief to have a functioning computer, since as you can imagine, my computer is really obsolete. You can't even put new software on it anymore because it doesn't have intel. And the caps lock was always getting stuck. And the search function wouldn't work. It is a shitty computer. It was fast and shiny and amazing in it's day.

It's almost ten years old! I have an ancient piece of technology!

I am finishing up writing the monologue for my film Sight. It's simple. I am going to record tomorrow.

I got myself a backpack in anticipation of my new computer, a backpack especially for computers with a snug little pouch inside that will fit my computer exactly! I've also decided it is finally time to sign a cell contract and get an iPhone. I promised myself as soon as I got enough money to pay for it with a three year contract, I would get one. And now is the time! Well, in a few days. Because I had to mail back a form with my social insurance number on it so they could process it.

I am a Canadian. I say process Pro-cess. Not Prawcess. Which is American in the extreme.

Anyway, the cheque will be mailed sometime this week. I really hope I get it on Friday.

Then I could sit in my room all weekend playing with my iPhone and my lappy.

I got my hair cut today. I am trying to keep on top of my hair better by getting it cut more regularly. And refreshing the dye. I think I'm okay for a bit though. And I am taking my coat to get dry cleaned, because it's really dirty. In the meantime I am wearing my ridiculous green coat.

And I went to deep water aquasize tonight! Mum got a leisure card today so we went with my friend Laurel. It's nice doing all these different things to exercise. I am liking the feeling I get after exercising, I am going to continue.

I got a book on Transcendental Meditation at the Library, but they aren't going to tell me how to do it, just how well it works. It's disappointing.