Me and My Weiner Dog

When I first decided to get a dog, it was because rats died too soon. They only have a three year lifespan, and I was pretty tired of having a broken heart because another rat died. So after much consideration, I decided I was getting a weiner dog. They were funny looking, small, and semi butchy, so I thought it was a good fit. I don't know why I think weiner dogs are butch. They're not frou frou generally anyway.

Then I started doing research on psychiatric service dogs. They were amazing! I wanted one.

So I got Mister from a breeder up in Prince Albert. She bred shorthairs mostly, but because of a recessive gene Mister cropped up, all long haired and gooney looking. No, I mean, he is handsome, but on his bad hair days he does resemble a mop.

We had trouble with him right from the start. At a maximum number of people in the house he goes and hides under the couch. He's always been shy, like me. He's kind of standoffish until you get to know him. And he's only REALLY obediant if you have some kind of treat in your hand.

But he is very cute.

I haven't lived in the same house with him since I moved out of Mom's the Third Time.
I don't think he'll ever be a psychiatric service dog, but an emotional support animal, possibly. He's pretty entertaining. I've never met such a comical dog. He's also very loyal, which is nice. He's nearly always at my side when we're together. Or behind my back, like right now.

Mister Mop. He gets shaved in the summer and that's when he looks really smart.

I'll never regret getting him. But I'll be glad if we can get into co-op housing so I can live with my animals again. I've missed having animal energy around my living space.

Scotland

I don't know if I already mentioned this, but I'll be going to Scotland as part of my grant. I've had a look in a few guidebooks and tonight I purchased Lonely Planet's Scotland. So I am planning what to do for the two weeks I'll be there. At some point I have to get to Wick, a small town of 7000 far up North. We have relatives way up there, I don't know what else there is up there besides the ruins of a castle. I've never seen a castle before.

My mom is coming with me, if she can scrounge up enough money to come. I think it would be fun to visit Scotland with her. And for a first time trip abroad it would be good for her because they speak English. With a heavy accent, but she's watched BBC.

I'm excited about visiting the homes of my ancestors and I'm more than a little curious if I'll feel a sense of homecoming.

Tonight I went to my interview for Co-Op Housing, I think it went really well. I pay $800 up front which gets refunded when I move out, I can have a dog and a cat, as long as the dog is little and Mister definitely fits the bill. I have to volunteer three hours a month and attend the general meetings and the spring/fall clean up day and BBQ. The suites look nice too. So hopefully soon I will find out how I did and if I get in sooner or later.

Pimp My iPod

One of the funny things about iPods is sometimes you get weird little synchronicities with the shuffle function. The other day I was listening to Peaches "Stick it to the Pimp", when what should the next song be?

You guessed it, "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp."

I really need to make a decision about blogging. If I'm going to keep blogging I should at least put in the effort. I've been blogging for over a decade now, and it's been part of my life since roughly about the same time I got the internet.

My first blogs were all personal diary entry type things, mostly about girls. Girls I liked. And how rotten they were. Ha ha, just kidding.

My last girlfriend ended up getting over a hundred senseless emails from me. I feel so bad about that! Oh man, I hate Crazy Time, it's very destructive. I even forgot my password to Fit of Pique, which is why I don't write there anymore. I forget half the crazy shit I did. Which is embarrassing.

Illness is often embarrassing, but manic psychosis makes for much more than one major faux pas.

I hate psychosis, everything is way too fast. Especially the Mistakes.

I'm much more laid back than that.

I am making a shopping list of things I most need, like a filing cabinet.

I used to have the best filing cabinet. It was legal sized and had two drawers. Mom absconded with it during one of my moves across the country as payment for something. She also kept my t.v. stand, which is also glorious in it's own swinging glass door way.

I also need a new leather jacket. I went to Boutiques of Leather to look at them and some of them were atrocious. Way too many zippers! I have developed an awareness of the aesthetic limits of zippers.

My last leather coat was amazing and I want another just like it. Because I'm set in my ways like that. Anyway, next I will be going to the Leather Ranch. I don't know why I'm writing about shopping.

How embarrassing.

The iPod was a worthy purchase. So far I've got ten gigs of songs on it, and there's still like, 70 gigs left.

Gigs. And bits and bytes.

I was thinking about putting some video on it.

I wish my life was a little more exciting. Tonight I have my Rainbow Co-op Housing interview, so I hope that goes well.

It's Imam, not Iman!

I've given my two weeks notice at work. I'm also going to be working part time. I'm excited about that, so it won't be SO intense. Last night I was over at my mum's and she misspoke the word Imam as Iman, it was pretty funny. We were watching a preview for the next Little Mosque on the Prairies.

Iman is kind of intimidating. She looks like she could give you a spanking and like it. She was on Project Runway Canada and her catch phrase was "You just don't measure up."

But Iman is not an Imam.

I'm starting to get my sense of humour about being crazy back. I've been sharing psychosis stories with friends of mine. I've heard all kinds of funny things and told them all kinds of wacky ideas I had.

The funniest was when I was convinced I worked in the secret service and that if I ordered Kentucky Fried Chicken it would be a hit on David Suzuki because dear lord, he does look so much like Colonel Sanders.

So I've been trying to figure out what I will do when this grant shows up at my doorstep. I think I'm getting a membership to the Y. And I'm going to take Yoga classes. I need to do something. Something healthy. My psych nurse says it's a good idea for me to do exercise, especially with bipolar. I keep hearing that but I've never really done anything about it.

I really should try and do more things according to the bipolar rules of living. I barely drink anymore, and I do get to bed roughly around the same time every night. I'm getting better.

Tonight I have an interview for Rainbow Co-op Housing. They have one bedroom units for people with disabilities, so my mom talked me into applying a while back. Anyway, they did a bunch of stuff and now I'm having an interview because a unit is becoming available. My name is second down, so it all depends on how I do I guess. I can't imagine it will be that bad.

If I get in I finally get to live with Mister and Schrodinger, which is the whole reason why I applied in the first place. I miss living with my little cat and dog.

Last spring someone was throwing birdhouses around the neighborhood. I don't know why. But I found two and brought them in and then wove a huge conspiracy around them because I am crazy.

But anyway, I think we should put one up in the country. I sanded it down and revarnished it and everything, because I was crazy!

Maybe I wasn't the only crazy person in the neighborhood.

It's amazing the small details you can notice about life when you are crazy. And the other thing I find facinating about mania is how often it involves God and the Divine. I mean, why does it tend to always go there? Bizarre. I never cared about going to church until my first episode. Then suddenly it made a weird kind of sense.

Now I'm Anglican only in the slightest passing way, I go to church on Christmas and Easter and that's about it.

I'm open to other religions, but none besides Buddhism has had any kind of attraction for me. The only rough thing about Buddhism is that I think eventually you end up giving up meat, and I'm not sure I'm up for that. I love tacos too much.

SUGAR! BRing me SUGAr!

It's a Thursday morn and yesterday I got a big artist fee, so I bought myself a new iPod! I'm super stoked about it, as you may remember if you were an old reader of my blog that I used to have an iPod and it died about the same time I went crazy roughly. I tried to ressurect it and then gave up and had it recycled at Neural Net. Anyway, that iPod was a mini and had about 4 GB which I thought was plenty. But now my new one has 80GB, and that was the smaller one! You can get 160GB iPods now. Crazy! To give you a sense of how big that is, my computer's original hard drive was 80 GB.

Plus this one has a full colour screen. My last one just had a grey and black LCD screen.

Anyway, I don't usually get up this early, but my dog decided at an ungodly hour to lick my face over and over until I got up and let him go pee.

Today I go to work and put in my two week notice. TWO WEEKS LEFT OF WORK!

My direct deposit form is on it's way to Canada Council so I can get my money, and that is exciting. I can't wait!

This afternoon I have an appointment with my psych nurse, and I am paying my phone bill finally finally. I'll have phone and internet at home again!!!

Aside from all that, well I was going to say nothing is going on but that's not true. I'm hopefully going for coffee with someone from the psych ward, and that will be fun. She's not there anymore though, I mean I met her in a psych ward and she was a really good friend in there, so I'm looking forward to it.

Life

My life is going well, the meds I am on are working even better than before I got sick when I was on the other medication. I'm happy about that. I've been working full time in a call centre doing surveys on this, that, and the other confidential thing. I don't mind it, as a job it's quite nice and I've even made a friend at work who I've gone out with a couple times. Last night I watched the Oscars with my mom, I was happy to see Diablo Cody win for best original screenplay. Juno was a really good movie, and it was her first screenplay!

Right now I am helping mom with her posters for her classes.

Oh HEY! I just now got my grant results from the Canada Council! $33 000 to make a short documentary researching my homelands! I am so super excited! I get to buy an Ipod and a Leather jacket!!!!!!!!!

Life is tickety boo man! Now I can quit my job! I will go back to it once my grant has dried up, but that won't be for months and months.

One of my cousins had her first manic episode recently, she's getting out of the hospital this week. She was on my mind almost solidly for about a month. I realized a few things from it.

#1, Manic episodes are nothing to be ashamed of.
#2, Sometimes people do very funny/cute things while manic.
#3, They tend to have a similar theme (ie, finding God in everyday small things).

So yes, Life is good, and I'm glad I've hung on through my difficult recovery to get to here, because . . .

NOW I GET A NEW IPOD! And that makes life better and better and better and . . .

Quiet Life

I applied for twelve different jobs today, and with some luck I will get one of them. There's another call centre job, but it's actually full time and within walking distance. Hopefully if the other jobs don't pan out I can get it. I'm working part time now and need a full time job. I even applied for a job at the airport as a preboard screener officer, which would be kind of cool. And I applied for a job working with unions. It pays 700 a week!

Anyway, I also finally emailed the Canada Council to find out about my grant. I hope I will hear tomorrow. It would be nice if I got it.

Anyway, I am sleepy so I think I'm going to go to bed now. Life's quiet, but maybe that's good.

The Depression of a Writer between Projects.

I'm between projects, and it's depressing me. I don't know what to write about next, and my life is boring as a result. My writing is down to next to nil. I used to have interesting opinions, or something on my mind, but I have nothing in mind.

I don't know what to write about. And it's terrible! Oh woe to the writer with nothing to write about!

I did try to write about my life and the word dreary came up. Oh man!

I think I should concentrate on cleaning my apartment.

Thank God for Antidepressants

Today I bought my mom some lunch at her school's Cafeteria. She had just taken me to cash my work cheque. I'm waiting at home now for a friend to drop off something. Life's kind of okay. I'm glad I decided to wait one more year for grad school. I think I just need some time to get myself back together.

I think the reason it took me so long to recover from this episode was because I was grieving over the break up.

Anyway, my phone's been weirdly disconnected. People can still call and leave messages, and I can even hear the phone ring, but when I answer it's all dead air, and when I pick it up to make a call, more dead air. So I have to pay my phone bill.

I'm doing pretty okay though. I'm surviving at any rate.

A friend of mine committed suicide last spring, leaving behind her children. She hung herself. Her face was black in the coffin and they put a cloth over her throat. She was buried next to the church on her reserve. We went to the funeral. I was so shocked that she did that. I thought about the last time I talked to her, she had sounded okay. I guess that's the thing about suicide, it's always a shock.

I'm not suicidal anymore, but I was for a while after my episode. It was just this generalized black cloud hanging over me, whispering kill yourself, kill yourself. I got rid of it with antidepressants. Thank god for antidepressants.

My new task is to try and get three videos onto DVD for my CFC application. I'm somewhat excited for it, I really hope I get in. I am also STILL waiting to hear about my grant. I really hope I get it. I didn't get my smaller grant, which is okay. But this one, eeeee, I hope to get it, I really do.

I'm also on the waiting list for Co-Op Rainbow Housing, which rents out one bedroom places to people with disabilities and you can keep animals there. It's a year long waiting list, so hopefully I'll hear something in September.

Oh man!

It's January 11, and I still haven't heard about my grant. God am I ever nervous. I have two divergent futures based on this one grant, at least for the next year, and I really hope I get it because then I have an interesting future.

If not, oh lord, who knows what will happen to me. I need to find a full time job doing something I'm relatively good at. I don't know what.

I'm doing alright. Tomorrow night I am having Bouilliabase with my family. I don't know if I spelled it correctly. Oh well. I went with mum to get the fish bits at Charlies today.

I like going into the fish store, though I'm not too much into seafood. I like looking at all the different things. Lobsters, shrimps, octopus, frog legs, clams, etc. In Vancouver you could also look at the Geoducks. Pronounced, GooeyDucks, these weird clam things have huge penis like protuberances. Always entertaining.

Once I saw a slug eat icing off a birthday cup cake. Lynn had made them, and it was summer and we were out in the back porch in a DTES house. And it was night time, perfect slug weather.

One time I got a slug caught in my sandal as I was walking home in the dark with Lynn. EW! Slugs plus bare feet equals not nice.

Sugar, bring me sugar!

So anyway, I hope the more interesting option happens for my life, because I don't want to spend my time doing work for other people. I don't mind it, but it would be nice to be able to make some work for a while. I feel like I've been working for so long.

I should figure out some way to turn my screenplay into support material. I don't know how that would work.

I'm so bored lately. I need a new distraction. I need a new interest. Something exciting and wonderful has to happen soon.

Plus I have to get my CFC application in on the 28th. I need to get some reference letters and so on. And I have to put three videos onto a DVD. Oh man!

La la la

I'm applying for a new job as a screenprinter. I think it would be fun. I don't know why I think that but I do.

Life's going alright for me right now. I've made a resolution to treat myself better, ie doing laundry more often and so on. Mom used to keep telling me that unwashed clothes were a sign of mental illness. I guess I was depressed. I didn't have much energy. Now I'm a bit more alert. My creativity is down though. I need a project to work on to keep happy.

So far all my writing is on this blog, and I haven't blogged much lately.

I am finally starting to get over my last big love. I doubt I'll meet anyone this year though. And I really do need a new crush. On who, I don't know. Someone sexy and funny and slightly mysterious. Someone who'd be able to hang on through a manic episode.

It still makes me sad how my last affair ended. How depressing, to have a cruddy health problem cause such mayhem and destruction. It truly was the most catastrophic of all endings. So shitty. Blerg!

Anyway, I'm hoping I get this new job because I would dearly love to do something other than work in a call centre. I've just done that kind of work for so long. Screenprinting would be a good change. And I'd feel mildly more creative than I do now.

poops!

I still haven't heard about my grant and I'm nervous. It's 2008. Welcome 2008.

Mom found out today she didn't get her grant. Pretty sad.

I'm hoping this year I'll stop feeling sad about the breakup. It's been pretty hard on my recovery process.

I'm also quitting smoking for the upteenth time.

I had a quiet new years. I was at Divas briefly and then I went to mom's and rang in the new year with her. And I pretty much stayed at her house until now.

Tonight's my last night to hang out with Deanna Banana.

I found out Shrooms don't work on me! I tried them over Christmas and nothing happened while my cuz got ripped.

Must be the medication.

I really do miss that special girl I hung out with last year. She was amazing in all the right ways. And we had this special vampire fetish going on between us. I'd never gotten that close to thinking of bloodplay as being particularily sexy. Usually I'm a needles girl, but if she'd wanted to cut me I would have been all over it.

I don't do intravenous drugs though, not those kinds of needles.

I'm sleepy and today is my first day back at work. Only four hours and then I hang out with No Ass D.

Otherwise known as Deanna Banana.

She got the name after we sat down on a snowy stoop and I was the only one to leave an ass Print. We were both high on life. and she got the name, No Ass D. Which is funny because she really does have no ass, her pants are always falling down showing ass crack.

I HOPE 2008 is a better year.

Oh, I also decided to put off applying to grad school for one more year. I don't think I'm ready yet for grad school, and I want to stay in Saskatoon a little bit longer.

Yesterday Mister tried to bring a poop in the house, he was carryin it in his mouth! It made me think twice about letting him lick my face.

Thinking

This Christmas I got the stupidest present ever.

My sister gave me three fake pears. And that was it. What the hell?

I gave her bath bombs, that's way better than a fake pear.

Tomorrow night is the big tobogganing party.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the terrible crazy break up and heart break.

It was with my first true love too, which made everything way more intense. Plus I haven't had strong feelings for someone in a long time.

And she also happened to be an exceptional kisser.

When she kissed me the whole world fell away. It was just that kind of a kiss. And she was just amazing, totally smart, funny, kinda morbid in a cool way. I really did have serious hopes about her. We just fit really well together.

I miss her. I would've married her.

So Thirza's Back

I had an excellent conversation with my friend Robin who said I was a hot butch and did I really think seriously about this and I dunno, I started talking about my doubts. Like, the breast thing, that nipple issue, it was enough to put me off. She was talking about how masculinity can live in a female body.

I guess that's what Shawna meant too, she told me about women who take on masculine pronouns but are still women. I'm not sure. Life's pretty confusing.

Besides, I kind of like being a girl. I don't know how to explain it. I love that I contradict myself over and over. Like, you would not believe how sexy this bra I'm wearing is.

I don't know what else to say about the gender switch, but I do like being a butch. I think there's something inherantly comfortable to me being butch. I just like it. I don't know why. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it, but I haven't been harrassed since I was in high school.

Of course, I lived in a big city for nine years.

The Vancouver Years. I miss them. I don't miss being hungry though.

So life is ticking along. It's almost Christmas. And it seems like September was only yesterday. I'm going tobogganing with my cousins at Diefenbaker Hill at night sometime soon.

I still miss the girl I went crazy on. Fuck I hate going crazy. Oh well. Heart break happens.

I think I'm finally getting over my depression. It's taken me a long time. I was so depressed. Oh my god. It was agony. But now I'm doing way better.

Grad Skool, Residencies

It's been hard recovering, but it's been harder to try and put some meaning on my life. Feeling that life is meaningless leads to depression, and suicidal thoughts. I know I have potential, but I don't feel like I have been living up to it.

Of course I've also applied for two grants, but I haven't heard back if I have gotten them or not yet.

Anyway, I needed to give myself some new goals. So now, besides applying to CFC's Directors Lab, I'm also applying to UBC and York to do my MFA. And I've decided that I have to apply for two residencies as well, one in Canada and one abroad, or in the US. SO THAT"S MY NEW GOAL1

Goals are important to have I think. I'm generally unhappy with my current lot in life, I have no girlfriend, I'm bummed out. I need a change. My life needs something drastically different. So grad school, residencies, yeah, that's about right.

It's been a year now since I saw UFO's, two of them, in an event that scared the living shit out of me. Life is pretty boring right now. I never saw them again. And now I'm just recovering from recovery. I started a part time job doing phones. I swore I would never do phones again, but I don't mind the work and I'm good at it.

Things in my life are pretty quiet.

missing

I haven't blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn't die. It's been a long time anyway.

I've gotten stuck in a rut. I don't know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it's own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that's the most they can hope for and it's the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There's this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I'm still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom's every day. But then I've always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I'm depressed because I haven't been writing. Mostly I've been thinking, about this new journey I'm on to become a man. Life's weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I've been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother's house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that's my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I'll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I'll be so relieved, then I'll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I'm not even mildly interested in anything. I'm totally stuck. And I'm not sure how to improve my life because I'm not sure what it is I'm missing. It's like I've zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It's gross. But I know I'm just missing something in my life.

Post Mania

Mania sucks ass. If you don't believe me, ask any bipolar person. It's embarrassing, like having a big mental shit all over the place. I'm so glad it is over.

I'm still looking for places to live. I saw one really nice apartment and put my name in, haven't heard back yet. I hope I get it though, it's just scuzzy enough to fit my tastes. I mean old, it's in a really old building, which are the kinds of buildings I prefer.

What is it about an old building? I used to think I wouldn't like them because of ghosts. But in truth, I've never had a ghost issue while I've lived in an old building. I did once have a poltergeist issue with a roommate of mine, she just always attracted that kind of energy. And I saw stuff move around while she was abouts, which was always kind of creepy. Not to disparage her, she's pretty cool, but poltergeists, ai ai ai! Messy rude things.

Enough about ghosts, how am I?

Well, I'm still getting better in increments. I'm still excited and waiting to get on hormones. I'm not sure when it will happen, it seems to involve a lot of waiting time to see people, beyond when I'm finally officially stabilized in the eyes of my doctor. I think she's waiting for me to be less depressed, which is slowly abating. In truth I don't think I'm depressed so much as bored. Not working has been boring. Tomorrow I start at this psych rehab place for eight weeks, I think it's a lot of group activities and so on, but I'll be getting out with other people which is good. I have also started applying for jobs again, although my EI doesn't run out for nine months. But I think I'd rather be out in the world than stuck at home on EI.

Cause you're always putting me down . . .

That's from a Cranberries song line. I like it, because it's so generalized. You're ALWAYS putting me down. ALWAYS. Without fail.

Anyway, I am working on a grant right now to make a short film based on a short piece of prose I once wrote about vampires, it will probably only be a three minute film. Film! I'm going to shoot it on a bolex and edit on a steenbeck. It should be ridiculously fun to make. I haven't touched celluloid in quite a while!

I just deleted my maniac blog, which made me feel really happy. I hate havin to delete blogs, but this is the second maniac blog I've deleted in my life. I sense a pattern. And that makes this, I guess, my post maniac blog, which is what Fit of Pique was for so long.

I'm kinda proud of fit of pique, and I kind of miss it, but I'm glad to be moving into a different territory. This one I'm assuming will be about trying to get Bunnyhug made, and making different shorts, and stuff like that. I'm working on a short and a longer project. The longer project is about coming out as trans and so on. I'm hoping it turns out well.

I have an apartment to look at tomorrow, which is exciting because I really really really want to move. It's a studio apartment and I can have my cat there, which is also good. I'm waiting to live with my dog again for when I move into this rainbow co-op housing. I dunno what else to say in this blog. I'm still getting better by increments. I was kind of down this morning, but I'm quitting smoking, so that could be it. Because I'm always putting me down . . . Actually I got a budget done for one of my projects, so I am happy about that.