Continuing Progress

Today is day 12. Almost two weeks clean! I am finally getting some real time from the last time I smoked up. I have had some dreams that are pretty vivid, but not a LOT of dreams. My mom noticed my teeth have gotten significantly whiter. Today I did some work on my contract and registered for a gst number for my business and went to the gym. I chickened out from doing a full 20 minutes on the elliptical though. On Saturday I went to the gym with some girls and did 20 minutes, and it was really good, but I just wasn't able to go that far today.

I had a short craving today for weed when I looked wistfully at the place I used to stand and smoke, but I shook it off and told myself I don't smoke anymore, and that satisfied me enough that I didn't think about it again.

I am keeping myself really busy, and that has helped a lot. Going to the gym, doing work related stuff, reading about marijuana addiction online, running errands, keeping myself clean, I haven't knit in a while but I plan to do more of that too.

I got 15 dollars worth of change the other day and I traded it with my mom and cousin for 3 five dollar bills. In the past I would have searched out someone who would sell me a piddly 15 dollars worth of weed, but that's history. I didn't need smokes either since I haven't smoked since December 6th. So I still have fifteen dollars in my purse. I don't know what I will spend it on. I don't feel like buying beer. I do have things I need to get, but they require more than 15 dollars, so until then it is just this small amount of disposable income I have. I might stick it in a jar and save it for something. Or I could buy an iTunes card, which actually makes some sense, considering I have a new computer and need some tunes on it.

I know there are things I have to develop now that I am committing to a weed-free lifestyle. Going to the gym has been really nice, it is getting me in touch with my body. Actually, if I just had 15 more dollars I could pay for someone at a leisure centre to introduce me to the weight room and working out with weights, which is good for sculpting your body. And I have noticed a slight change in my muscle definition in my upper arms from doing the elliptical. It's something I wanted to learn.

I'm not feeling trapped in terrible thoughts like I was when I used. Sometimes I would just start thinking about all kinds of negative things and get stuck there when I was stoned. Being stoned doesn't always mean being happy, actually in the end I got depressed when I used.

I hear working out is really good when you are detoxing from marijuana, and for me that has proven to be true. I like the endorphins I get, and it has really kept down the cravings.

I have finally found some good websites to read while I do this. The University of Notre Dame has a really good webpage for the first 30 days clean, you are supposed to read one page every day and it gives you advice. I found it on day 8, but I bookmarked it and have been visiting it diligently everyday since.

It seems like a lot has changed in the last couple of months. And to think it all started with quitting smoking. It's pretty amazing. I really hope things stay good, that I stay quit and clean and go to the gym on a regular basis and continue to knit and build up my work ethic again. I used to have an awesome work ethic. It piddled out in 2003 when I had my episode and was super chronic. I've got to get it back. I think it is coming back, I like the work I am doing now, my business is something I am passionate about and I know I am lucky because not many people get to do what they love for a living.

My big love did write back. She said she didn't think us seeing each other was a good idea yet, and I actually had to agree. I feel like I need to work on myself a bit more before I can see her. But I was happy she said yet, because that means there might be a time in the future when it will be a good idea for us to hang out. And she does mean a lot to me.

Day 9 - Feelings, nothing more than feelings!

Being a chronic dulls a lot of emotions. This is good and bad. It's good because all those bad emotions like sadness and anger are dulled out and you don't really care about it. Bad because those good feelings are ALSO dulled out. Also not feeling and thus not working through "negative" emotions keeps you stagnant.

I am having regular emotions again.

I get sad and angry and happy and content and all kinds of things I forgot I could feel. Sometimes I get surprised by tiny tears forming in my eyes because I am feeling something. And it's not necessarily something that is even happening NOW, it could be something from the past that I haven't thought about in a long time.

The other day I was thinking about my cousin Christopher who fell to his death in an industrial accident in 2006. I thought about the feeling of falling and the impossibility of saving oneself and I thought about how scary that must have been for him, and it made me really upset. Intellectually when it happened I knew all that, but for the first time I really really FELT it. And that shocked me. It was such a surprise because it has been six years and it felt so long ago now but I was a heavy user even then and I don't think I really processed it the way I should have at the time.

That kind of thing is going to keep happening to me, I know it. And I really can't do much else besides work through those feelings. I can't just switch to another substance and numb myself out, I have to confront all these old feelings I didn't feel.

I'm a bit worried. I feel like I didn't cry as much as I should have/would have about my last break up, and I am worried it is really going to hit me and make me upset all over again, in a deeper more fundamental way than when it was actually happening.

BUT I am also feeling this profound sense of joy and excitement about my life, like I am really living, REALLY living! And that also makes me feel a sense of awe, like I have potential I had forgotten about. When I was just starting my video/film career I was so optimistic and had big dreams, and I never really lost those dreams, but I lost the motivation and focus to actualize them. And for the first time in a while I feel hope, hope that I can actually get my career back on track and make something out of myself. I feel like I really could make a low budget guerrilla feature film that could get some attention. I feel like I just might be able to change the world in some way through my art.

And for the first time I have some positive thoughts about moving out of my Mom's house, like I could manage to earn enough of a living to pay for a rental property with a yard for Mister and get a queer/native roommate to help cover the rent. Like I could really live on my own again and even keep the place clean and make my own dinners. It's not going to happen right away, not for months. But I think it will happen. I can see it happening. I might even make enough to get a down payment on my own house in five years, which is something I really want.

Things are looking up. But this will mean I have to emotionally grow, and growth can be painful sometimes. Still, these feelings mean more to me than any high I got from pot. I think the only high I ever really liked was when I was 19 and went to the laser light show. But the rest of them are forgettable. Completely forgettable. Just something I did. I used to think really good things about weed. Now I just see how many hours and years I wasted getting stoned instead of having a life. I tolerated so much crap getting stoned. Crappy surroundings, crappy conversations, crappy food, crappy movies. I used to watch CSI and get stoned and forget how it ended and always be surprised when that episode came on again.

I don't know what else to write about today. I'm seeing my psychic so soon! I hope she says good things, although I know she is a realist who will tell me exactly what is going on. That's good though. I need to know that stuff.

I'm lonely for a girlfriend. But maybe I'm not even ready for one yet? I don't know. I think I could handle it. I think I could finally be a good girlfriend. I just don't know who.

I asked the love of my life if she wanted to spend time with me again. She just didn't respond at all. I can live with that. I think I will end up with the right woman, and maybe it isn't even her. Maybe there is someone I don't even know yet.

I have a more reliable gym buddy now, although she is leaving in a few months. But today we sat in the sauna after working out and it was awesome!

I am also thinking of getting Rosetta Stone and learning more German. More than my teeny tiny amount of German, I would like to be able to have a rudimentary conversation when I am in Hamburg this summer.

I finished a short Super 8 film which screened in Toronto tonight, and this spring/summer will be making a short video about being Butch and considering transitioning to male before changing my mind. And this spring I am putting in a grant application to the Canada Council to finally make Bunnyhug, with the most money you can get from the CC in Media Arts, but which is a far cry from the 250,000 digital low budget feature I could have made with CFC if only they had accepted my application. I am feeling pretty excited about all this creative output, and I think now that I have gotten clean, it is all realistic.

That's what's up. Things are going to keep changing, I know it. I just have to be prepared to ride it out and learn how to deal with life, sans weed.

Entrepreneurial Spirit!

I'm working out later today, which makes me happy, but I am also happy about new developments with my video editing company, because I have a contract for a job! I met with my client today and went over the project and got the footage to import and the price was agreeable to her and so IT'S ON! This means several good things. One: I don't have to dip into my living allowance to pay for my company's MacBook Pro. Two: I will be able to afford to get Final Cut Pro X and renew my Incorporation for the year (I incorporated last year on Valentines Day!). And Three: I will be able to pay my web designer, who also did my logo and business cards, and we will both be happy! Besides that when I get paid all the money I will be able to put some more into equipment for my business and save up some for future pay cheques to myself. I have to make a living and my income is only guaranteed until the end of July. So I hope more work comes in and hopefully at the end my client will let me use an excerpt for my reel on my website. 'Cause I don't think it's very enticing for a video editing company to not have a reel on their website.

For the first time in a long while I feel optimistic about my company. I have crappy credit so I wasn't able to get a loan, but a while ago at the last meeting with the people at Praxis School of Entrepreneurship one of the people said I should use my companies income to purchase capital. But it was always a bit of a chicken and egg thing: I needed equipment to do work but I couldn't get the equipment unless I had work. UGH! But financially things have been going my way these days, which is a relief!

I'm so happy that I almost feel manic, although I know I am not because I have been diligent about taking my medication and I am not having bizarro thoughts of being uber special or things like that, getting messages, blah blah blah. Things are just working really well for me right now.

I think finally quitting pot has really helped. It would make me depressed and focus on the bad things in life, and my self esteem as a pot head wasn't good either. This clear feeling is miles better than the stoned feeling actually, I don't have that sense of guilt hanging over my head. And my feelings are REAL. It's a little weird adjusting to having emotions that aren't dulled and hazy. It's only been 8 days, I think at 14 days I will start noticing more differences, because that will be a long time, for me, to be clean.

Exercising has been really good for me too, I was always told it was a good mood stabilizer, but I never got into it, probably because I was smoking up and too lazy and apathetic to get to the gym or go for long walks. It increases my confidence too, to know I can go through a full body workout on the elliptical for fifteen minutes, or to do five minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph before going back down to 3 mph for ten. It's nice to set these little goals and actually reach them.

Now I am going to be using my brain for work, which also makes me feel pretty good. I get to exercise my creativity and logic and all those cerebral things involved in editing. And clearly being clean is REALLY good for that.

I hope this works out. I would hate to look for a J.O.B. job. Working for myself feels pretty good, although realistically I acknowledge my clients are my bosses while I'm doing a contract. My psychic once said I would live a comfortable life. So maybe I really will finally be able to be an editor, like I always wanted! It's my all time dream job.

I'm seeing my psychic soon! Woooooooooooooooo! I am so curious to find out what she has to say about my life now that all these things have happened in the last five years!

I still want to make a five year plan. I really should do that.

Woot! A Happy Thirza makes for a Happy World

I've been having a really good day. I learned how to find Requests for Proposals online and how to read the RFP and how to write a proposal. So that was good. Then I went home for lunch and then went back out to see my Psych Nurse. I told her about all the good things going on in my life, like staying Quit for cigarettes for seven weeks, and quitting MJ last Wednesday and getting exercise at the Leisure Centres. She told me I was looking really good and asked for the name of the book that made me decide to get clean. And she gave me a CD to listen to when I am falling asleep to help me relax.

Then I came home and played with my new Macbook Pro (!!!!) and we went out for dinner to Prairie Ink. Then I came home and did some work typing up notes for my Mom's Indian Art History Class (I learned a lot about the Kwakiutl!) and then I did 1.48 miles on the treadmill in half an hour and burned 181 calories and sweated sweated sweated. It made me feel pretty good. THEN I got a request for a quote for my company. My first client! So stoked, I finally get to do some work! It's for a 90 minute documentary. Pretty exciting!

So it's been a good day. I also registered for an introductory workshop in Adobe After Effects, which would bring up my skill set and allow me to do more advanced editing and video manipulation. I'm happy about that.

Things are looking up! And you know, quitting weed hasn't been as hard as quitting cigarettes. Quitting cigarettes was so hard the first few weeks. It's gotten miles easier now, but the first bit was awful, even though I really wanted to quit for so long. I am hoping staying clean works out for me, because I can already tell I am much more productive and excited about things than I was before. Also I am smarter and have more energy and just feel pretty good.

Doing exercise to get endorphin highs and to help myself detox from mj is working pretty good. I really like it. I used to hate exercise. And I didn't want to be a fat hating fatty trying to get all skinny. But now I think I have better reasons to work out than changing my body. Although I would like to get into some weight lifting just to build up some muscle mass, like those cute muscles just below the shoulder on my arms.

Life is good. My super 8 film "Sight" is screening at the 8 fest in Toronto this Friday at 11pm. I hope the screening goes well. It's kind of a heavy little film, 3 min 23 sec. It might actually be 3 seconds longer than the film, I tried to time it right but I am not sure. I'm going to telecine it again when it comes back to me and slap some credits and the audio onto it and release it as a video. I feel pretty happy with how it turned out.

Now I am going out to tape some Northern Lights. I've been trying to get this footage for ages and because of the big Solar Storm, there are supposed to be AMAZING lights! I've been checking the Aurora Forecast, but I think I just have to go out and look around. HDV footage of the Aurora Borealis. I'm not sure what I will do with it yet, but it goes with some HD footage of fireworks that I shot a couple summers ago. I want to experiment.

Okay, well, that's all I have to report. Life's good. I have no dates, but I have my dog and cat and my health. And that's good enough for me!

Germans and their Cougar Labia

I've been trying to get shit done. Getter done! I just finished my audio for my super 8 film and emailed it to the festival that currently has the reel for it. I hope it works out. We will see. I also sent off a question to the sales support folks at my webhost. I didn't get an invoice for another year of service and so I don't know if they will cut me off in a couple days or if they are letting me have another year without paying. I don't know! I also have to sort out this trip to Germany and this trip to Australia because suddenly the dates are really close and I think it's a little fucked up because I can't be two places at once. I really need to spend the whole month in Hamburg and when I made plans for the residency it was when I thought the trip to Australia was in April. Now it's at the same time. SHIT! Something has to change!

So that's up. And I also have to do some work related things like continue to work on my website for my company and get these business cards to the printer and then drop off the finished cards at various places about town. I also have to get my laptop and blah de blah, download the new Final Cut Pro which EVERYBODY hates because it's so different. But Avid Media Composer costs about as much as the laptop, which is WAY out of my current price range.

Sigh. WEIRD! I feel stoned and I haven't smoked up! Maybe it's residual THC in my body coming out to say hello. I talked with someone this weekend who has abstained for almost a year and she said you feel stoned every so often when it is breaking down in your body, cause it is stored in fat. Weird!

I didn't smoke up all weekend. I haven't smoked up since I quit on Wednesday. I'm feeling fairly determined to really hold onto my sobriety. I'm still drinking, probably indulged too much this weekend. But I didn't drink today and I won't for a few days. I'm feeling positive about the whole letting go of weed thing. It's taken me a long time to get to this feeling. I'm liking the clearness I have and the energy and the getting things done stuff. I am not missing it yet. I was going to be clean for a minimum of six weeks, but after talking to someone this weekend I am thinking maybe a year clean would let me understand more fully what life without it could be like. Saying I will quit forever scares me a little, not as much as it used to but I don't want to say forever just yet. Even in the 12 step programs they tell you to concentrate on being sober today and not worrying about the future.

I went to Regina this weekend for my Dad's opening and the Queer City Performatorium. Queer Performance Art! I really liked all the artwork I engaged with this weekend, and I liked seeing people I don't get to see often. I even liked the bus ride down there and back, I just listened to my tunes and looked out the window at the world going by.

It was pretty awesome. And I ended up only passing by people smoking up once, and didn't feel like I should linger and get a puff. I didn't really care.

I haven't smoked a cigarette for six weeks and five days! :D This is really exciting, almost three weeks longer than my last quit. Not as long as the six months I once did without smoking, but pretty good. It feels real now, like I can really do it and am doing it and will never smoke another cigarette again! And my self esteem is so much better. SO MUCH BETTER! I feel like I am not being so stupid as to put myself at risk of dying painfully and slowly.

I go to see my psych nurse on Tuesday. I know she'll be happy to hear about my quitting weed, she's been fussing about my using for years. And now I won't have to hear about how I have to quit, which is good. She can nag pretty good. And my Mom is way happier that I am not using. She will probably find other things to pick at me about, but there is one less thing to fuss about.

And I am also happy that I don't have to go outside in the terrible cold and feel embarrassed that I am spreading a skunky smell all over the neighborhood.

I hope my cheque comes tomorrow. I really want to get my laptop. I would be so relieved to have a functioning computer that is all mine.

So life is good. I am good. I am getting clean and letting my psyche be healed by the passage of time. I am still curious about getting to an online Marijuana Anonymous meeting, but the timing hasn't worked out yet, and I couldn't do it while I was in Regina.

I want to get the workbook for the secular sobriety folks, I think I would feel more comfortable working out my issues with that. I know I have to make some other changes to my life because using for 14 years has impacted how I think and behave I am sure. I can stop being sneaky, which is nice, cause I hate being sneaky even though I know all the spots in Saskatoon and Vancouver where you can smoke up and not get caught. I don't have to worry about getting into legal trouble, which is nice. Although if people snoop around on me before hiring me and find out I used to smoke drugs, they might be less inclined to give me a job. But would I want to work for that kind of an asshole anyway? I don't think so. And there are lots of other reasons people wouldn't hire me, like being a queer native woman with a bachelors degree. And having pink hair currently.

Sigh. I did find out someone will give me some work when they have funding. But who knows when that will be.

I didn't exercise all weekend. I missed it. I really want to get to the field house tomorrow and hop on the elliptical.

Someone found my blog by googling Cougar Labia. Someone from Germany. Ha ha ha!

Can a book do that?

I was looking for a book in the library on quitting smoking and then when I didn't find one I wanted to read I started looking in the section on recovery from addiction. I found this book called Clean: a new generation in recovery speaks out written by Chris Beckman from the Real World. I looked at it a bit more in the car and felt like maybe I was too old for it since it was geared towards youth in recovery. But as I read it doing my silly loop around on the bus it started making me think about poor decisions I had made while stoned and being in pursuit of highs, decisions that lead me to lose a really good job and a cheap place to live. And as I read about all this crazy shit Chris had been through during his using years, I realized I was not that different really, my using was not special or safe because it was mostly marijuana. I still put myself in dodgy situations and screwed up certain parts of my life, like being so stoned I didn't care to clean my house or myself or do work or make art even, something I had been so passionate about during art school and even high school.

So I read the whole book cover to cover in a few hours. It wasn't a long book, but it was still a lot of information to digest. I found myself being irritated by all the mistakes he and other people in the book had made, and then it made me irritated with myself.

The last time I used was yesterday at noon. I didn't really mean to quit yesterday, I just got tired of what little I had left and didn't bother to keep smoking it. I HAVE meant to quit smoking since before new years, since years before then even. It was on my list, to do my six sober weeks and then decide what to do about it after doing that. Like if I should go back to it or not.

It's time to do my six sober weeks. I am going to keep drinking, for now, because I don't feel as compelled to drink as I do to smoke. But I am going to try really hard to abstain from that thing I love that has fucked up my life.

I don't like NA, but I did find the online Marijuana Anonymous meeting schedule and wandered into a chat room where I got some informal support. Which helped. I felt shy and sheepish, so I didn't stay long.

I worked out tonight on the treadmill because I hear exercise is really good when detoxing, since marijuana is fat soluble and so burning off some fat is just good to get it out of your system. Also I drank a whole pot of chamomile tea to relax myself. I got that a while ago because I know I am going to get SUPER BITCHY and generally unpleasant to be around for a while. It could be weeks. I am not looking forward to it. But smoking up just to put off the inevitable irritability isn't going to work. It will just keep me in the hamster wheel of marijuana addiction.

I think marijuana should be legalized. I think there are people who can use it responsibly. I just don't think I am one of those people.

It's been 33 hours since I have smoked up. I am going to try to hold on to that. I'm going away for the weekend and I know I will be around someone who may smoke up a bit while I am with them. That makes me a nervous. I should really just tell him straight up that I am trying to stay clean. He would respect that I think.

Wow. A book on becoming sober might have helped me become sober. The library, is there anything it can't do?

Tired of this shit

I'm really frustrated with Canada these days. I'm sick of colonization, I am just so FUCKING SICK of being a colonized person. My land is being desecrated by some assholes in parliament who want to further colonize us through evangelical values being imposed on the population. It sucks. I don't want Steven Harper in my country, I think all of us Natives should just run him out on a rail. He should be banished to America!

And our rights are getting eroded away. He just annulled all of the same sex marriages of foreigners who have been using their Canadian marriage licenses to secure equal rights as spouses in their countries. What an asshole thing to do.

That reminds me of a great plan I have to make asshole stickers and put them on the back ends of cars that park badly. Like those big shiny trucks that straddle two parking stalls so that they won't get scratched. I always want to key them, but I think I would get into less trouble if I put an asshole on their rear end. I would make them look like Vonnegut's asshole from Breakfast of Champions, a little cartoon asterisk.

I should put an asshole sticker on Steven Harper's car. Someone get me a grant so I can go to Ottawa and do it!

I'm tired of being oppressed. That's all it is. I'm tired of the level of racism in Canada towards Indigenous people. I'm tired of the fact that over 600 aboriginal women have gone missing or been murdered and nobody else cares. I'm tired of the police state our country is becoming. I'm tired of being involved in dodgy wars with questionable aims. I'm tired of people here resigning themselves to waiting around until 1215 instead of actually DOING something. I'm tired of worrying if I will ever really be able to be married or if the world is going to go backwards and I will lose my chance because some dickwad defined marriage as being between one man and one woman.

We need proportional representation. I'm sick of the way our democracy is corrupt to the core, yet we act like we're some forward thinking nation compared to the rest of the world.

So yeah. I guess it's time to make more activist art again. I don't know what else to do, I'm an artist, and art can be useful in times like this. Just think of Act Up and Gran Fury bringing the AIDS epidemic to the public discourse. It's a hopeful way of looking at the world. I don't know that I can change the direction the country is headed, but I can try.

Money is the root of all poopy stuff!

I am waiting for $1000 for living allowance for January from Saskatoon Tribal Council and it is already the 11th. Apparently my cheque was ready on Monday, but then someone locked it up and got sick and went home with the key and won't return phone calls. So my cheque is locked up until this person gets better. SHITTY! I am so broke! And I hate being broke. It's been a pissy month with lots of borrowing money and that sucks too because I am made to feel so badly about it. And I can't do anything about it because I certainly don't have the key to the cabinet that holds my cheque.

The only thing I don't understand is that it was ready Monday but when I went on Monday I was told it wasn't ready and to come back the next day. And by the next day it was locked up and Ms. Lady was sick.

Sigh! I have shit that needs doing! I hate having people toy with me over money. I suppose I should just get used to it if I am running a business. People are assholes!

Anyway.

I am still exercising! I went to the field house yesterday and did a bunch of exercising and even did the elliptical for five more minutes than the last time, and it wasn't as hard this time! I thought I had more muscley bits in my tummy but Laurel said a few days of exercise wouldn't make that much of a difference so fast. But I am starting to feel a little stronger, even though it is probably a miniscule difference.

I knitted a bunch today. It was good, I am almost halfway done my scarf! :D

I also booked an appointment with my psychic. It's time for me to find out more! I need to know about a few things, like my future romantic life and my current business I am trying to get off the ground. Last time I saw her I was also looking for direction and it really helped. I am hoping I will get some direction again. It's been five years! That's enough time between readings. The last time I went she told me about many things that ended up happening. She didn't tell me about my oncoming major manic episode, but she did tell me about a break up that was pretty much directly related to that episode. She also told me about being rejected for some film thing I applied to. She said "I don't want to say it's fixed, but you won't get it." Which I didn't.

She did tell me in the long term I would live a comfortable life and that I would go far. But I need more confirmation, because so far it has been me being broke living with my Mom.

Plus I really need to know some personal stuff. Which I will hopefully find out.

I've still got to sit down and write out some goals I want to reach in setting up my business. Right now I am focused on marketing issues, like getting my website and business cards done. But I have to write reports to my funders WHO STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN ME MY CHEQUE so I need to have more concrete things to report about my business advancing.

I don't even know if I should be living with my Mom, but Mister the dog needs a backyard to be a happy boy and barks too much for an apartment anyway. And I can't afford a house on my own. Maybe when I get a girlfriend I can. Sigh. Living with Mom, such a frowned upon living arrangement.

Good News!

I just got some good news today. I saw the postperson leaving and went to get the mail and found two slim envelopes, one addressed to my Mum and the other one addressed to me, from the Sask Arts Board. Mum and I opened them up and we both got our grants!

This means two major things:

I can go to Germany to do my residency.

I can get a new laptop.

The residency is a ways off yet, but as soon as I get my cheque I am going and getting myself a new computer. My computer is from 2003 when I got a grant to write a screenplay. I am getting a 15 inch Macbook Pro. And some software. It will be a big relief to have a functioning computer, since as you can imagine, my computer is really obsolete. You can't even put new software on it anymore because it doesn't have intel. And the caps lock was always getting stuck. And the search function wouldn't work. It is a shitty computer. It was fast and shiny and amazing in it's day.

It's almost ten years old! I have an ancient piece of technology!

I am finishing up writing the monologue for my film Sight. It's simple. I am going to record tomorrow.

I got myself a backpack in anticipation of my new computer, a backpack especially for computers with a snug little pouch inside that will fit my computer exactly! I've also decided it is finally time to sign a cell contract and get an iPhone. I promised myself as soon as I got enough money to pay for it with a three year contract, I would get one. And now is the time! Well, in a few days. Because I had to mail back a form with my social insurance number on it so they could process it.

I am a Canadian. I say process Pro-cess. Not Prawcess. Which is American in the extreme.

Anyway, the cheque will be mailed sometime this week. I really hope I get it on Friday.

Then I could sit in my room all weekend playing with my iPhone and my lappy.

I got my hair cut today. I am trying to keep on top of my hair better by getting it cut more regularly. And refreshing the dye. I think I'm okay for a bit though. And I am taking my coat to get dry cleaned, because it's really dirty. In the meantime I am wearing my ridiculous green coat.

And I went to deep water aquasize tonight! Mum got a leisure card today so we went with my friend Laurel. It's nice doing all these different things to exercise. I am liking the feeling I get after exercising, I am going to continue.

I got a book on Transcendental Meditation at the Library, but they aren't going to tell me how to do it, just how well it works. It's disappointing.

Exercising

On Friday night my friend took me to the Saskatoon Field house where we worked out. I did the elliptical for the first time ever for ten minutes and wore myself out, then we biked for fifteen minutes and walked on the treadmill for fifteen minutes and then did a mile on the track. It was really fun. I think I need more gym buddies. I can use all the leisure centres in Saskatoon until October. It has such potential, having a leisure card that I got because I was on welfare. But it's been under utilized.

I hear exercise is really good when detoxing from that thing I love. It's something to keep in mind. Today I went to use the treadmill, but the magnet that is supposed to be the emergency stop went missing so I got mum's beading needle magnet on a little telescoping stick and taped it to the treadmill. It worked. Then mum found the real magnet, but I didn't want to interrupt my stats on the treadmill just to change magnets.

It made me sweat, which surprised me. I was so sweaty! Mum is thinking of asking her friend to trade the treadmill for an elliptical. That would be sweet too, although I feel afraid of doing 30 minutes on an elliptical.

I'm not exercising with a goal to lose weight though, I just want to have better muscles and more strength. I don't care if some extra padding hangs around.

The roommate situation has calmed down for now, so I am glad about that.

And I am still not smoking. It has been 4 weeks, 5 days, 6 hours and 29 mins.
And I have saved: 121.37 Dollars by NOT smoking 399 cigarettes! I was even working in close proximity with a smoker on Saturday and I didn't feel like I wanted one at all. It was good. I am making some major changes in my life finally. It's like I have obsessed over being better about exercise and quitting smoking and other things for years and finally they are starting to happen. Good things could be around the corner!

I read about warm or room temperature lemon water being good for you, so I tried it. Lemons are kind of expensive though, 1.25 a lemon! That's not right!

I confess though, I didn't eat my beans at supper. I didn't even put them on my plate. I should have. Maybe I can eat a fruit to make up for it.

I'm in the middle of making my Super 8 film for the 8 fest. I am trying to get it done for Tuesday so I can slip it in the mail. My friend Shavonne and I coloured all over my Super 8 with twelve different sharpies. So now there is just the soundtrack to do. I'm a little bit blocked, but I can see it starting to come together.

I only have the next two years of my life planned out. I think I want to come up with a five year plan. The last time I had a five year plan was when I got out of high school. Now if someone asked me where I saw myself in five years, I wouldn't know.

It would be easier to make a five year plan if I knew if I was going to be single or not. I'm not really sure. Anyone could happen. I wish I could go see my psychic and get some kind of timeframe for how long I will have to wait before I get into a real relationship. I just really want to finally be able to change my relationship status, because even though there was a steady stream of hotties I had crushes on, there was never any established relationships for the whole time I have had facebook.

I used to hide my single status, just to have some mystery about the whole thing, but it wasn't as exciting as being able to put Thirza Cuthand is in a relationship with Betty Bear or whoever.

There probably is a Betty Bear who's going to kick my ass for using her name. I should have used Mary Jane Doe.

I'm getting close to being mostly sober. I think I can do it. I just have to get a good support network. And not NA because they swear too much. I'm scared. I don't know who I will be without it. It could be good. I won't know unless I try. And I can still drink alcohol. For now. Last night I had one beer all night and didn't care. If I just had to quit drinking, I would have an easy time.

I think that my addiction requires elements of substance abuse recovery and basic smoking cessation techniques. I dunno. I have to do more research.

But at the same time, I don't want to change everything all at once.

The high from exercising is really nice. Maybe I should change my interests from substances getting me high to more natural highs. Like exercise and meditation. What else gets you high? OH RIGHT! Sex! I could give up pot for sex, that would be easy!

Echoes in my Heart

Beatrix ISN'T being given away ASAP anymore. Now we are giving her a month to calm down and stop peeing on clothes and in the laundry basket and stuff. I hope she does calm down, because she is pretty sweet. And she's a manx, so she has a little stump tail and that is really cute. People always ask me what happened to her, like she had her tail chopped off or something. I call her Stumpy sometimes. Deanna thinks she is self conscious of not having a longer tail, but I don't think she cares.

Tomorrow will be FOUR WEEKS of not smoking! I've got to keep going! I am so close! I just have to keep not puffing and not hanging around people who are smoking cigarettes. I can do it! And after that I'll finish off my first official month as a non-smoker. I really want to stay smober. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally as a result of not smoking. My self esteem is even better. Like I have found a strength I can nurture.

I am wrestling with emotions about various women in my life, as in romantic interests and past romantic interests. One old crush is kind of pissing me off. Mostly just because I think she likes having lots of people like her but not really being serious. Like toying with people's emotions. And I got over my crush a long time ago and didn't care very much, but now I am just feeling irritated.

And then just when I thought I was getting over someone else she was actually being sort of sweet and it made me melt a bit and I am back where I was liking someone who doesn't want to be with me. BUT I know we would be so good together! I feel like we would just make sense being with each other. And I've never had such good sexual chemistry with anyone else before. And even the kisses were the all time best kisses of my life EVER and I've kissed a lot of people, some of whom were much older with much more experience kissing. But these were just dreamy kisses. Oh man. The kind of kisses where you don't want them to ever end, where your lips linger on each others at the end like neither person really wants to stop.

It would totally change my life if she gave me another chance. But I think she is through with me. I did meet someone who seemed like the kind of person I could settle down with, but she's not really a possibility even though we had our moments of bliss. I know even if I didn't get back together with the One I want to be The One, I would eventually find another One. It wouldn't be the same though, at all. I have these really sweet submissive feelings about that One and I've never felt them with anyone else before. I'm usually more on the masochistic side than the submissive side. The two don't always go together. But in this case they are both there. Sigh, and then the memory of those kisses still echoes in my heart.

Plus she was really fun to talk to, she was so smart and knew about all kinds of things and you could have a conversation with her about anything. And sometimes she seemed so deadly serious so it was fun to make her laugh about something.

Plus I gave her my virginity when we were teenagers. And for a while I thought it was a mistake, because she didn't want to be my girlfriend and my first girlfriend was actually someone else. And we lost touch and all kinds of things happened to me and because of me and then I found her one day after I moved back to my hometown. And not through facebook either, or classmates, just from google! And we were close for a while until it all went to hell because I got sick. And then we might have been close again except I blacked out some of the time when I was crazy and I didn't remember what I changed my password for my email to, nor did I remember the answer to my security question, for something like three years! And she had sent an email wondering how I was. But I didn't get it for a really long time.

It's kind of a tragic story really. They say bipolar disorder destroys relationships pretty frequently. It makes me worry. After I got diagnosed it took me a really long time to find someone I liked who wanted to be intimate with me, and I think part of that had to do with stigma. Then when I did have someone sweet, I acted out because I was out of control because I went off my meds.

And falling in love is actually super stressful, even if it is the second time you have fallen in love with that person.

I blame my psychic. I wouldn't have this problem except for a cryptic thing she said. She saw what was going to happen when I went crazy and we broke up or whatever, and it made her go "WOAH! That is a messy breakup!" And then she said "Oh! You could make a go of it. But you will always be suspicious." And I immediately thought, suspicious of what? But now I don't even care if I am suspicious of something, I just keep thinking about that glimmer of possibility that the spirits she was consulting with alluded to. Could we? It's haunted me ever since, because of all the women I have ever loved, there was only one I actually seriously wanted to marry.

I've never lived with a lover. I don't know what it is like being with my beloved on a daily basis. Trying to negotiate how to keep a home. I just never dated someone I felt that sure about I guess.

I still have this three year plan in my head. It goes like this. Year One: Dating. Year Two: Living together. Year Three: Getting engaged and getting married at the end of the year. I feel like I don't want to rush into anything. Maybe I would rush anyway. But I don't know, going through all those stages of a relationship is important I think. How will you know you want to marry someone if you don't live with them first? How will you know you want to live with someone if you don't spend at least a year just on dates?

So I don't know who I will get to do the three year plan with. But the other thing my psychic said is I would get together with someone I would be with for the rest of my life.

And that's all I have ever really wanted. I've always been looking for a forever with somebody. I am going to turn 34 in April. I feel like I am finally ready for it to happen.

A New Beginning: 2012

All beginnings are new actually, so it's kind of a redundant title. But I wanted to open with something that sounds inspiring.

I didn't have a cigarette this New Years Eve, even though I was at a bar and could have just walked out and bought one from someone standing outside in the cold with fifty cents. BUT NO! I used my money for drinks and some other stuff and I had a good time, I didn't even really think about cigarettes until someone asked me if I was going to smoke. I said no. Because I don't even really WANT to smoke. It grosses me out. And I read this quit smoking quote that went something like "If I smoke I will be back where I started, and where I started was wanting to be where I am now." It's true. I hated smoking. I just wanted to give it up. And I did give it up over and over and over. I just kept going back to it, it would start with thinking one puff wouldn't hurt and I could go back to my quit. But I didn't go back to my quit after that puff, it lead to another puff, and another, until I was at the store buying cigarettes again because everyone was annoyed with me bumming theirs. Bad bad bad!

Ironically, I was going to cap off the year by puffing on that thing I love that isn't tobacco, but nobody had any last night! :O It was shocking! I was going to puff away and then try six sober weeks. But there was nothing to be had. Sooooo, I dunno. Should I just go straight into my six sober weeks, or should I get some stuff and have a last hurrah? I get paid tomorrow, and I have to see The Dude anyway to pay him back some money. It would make sense to get some. But maybe I am just making excuses. My brain is trying to come up with any flimsy reason to buy more. Flim flam!

This week we start using our leisure cards. I am going to fork out the thirty bucks to get acquainted with the gym equipment. I want some muscle definition in my arms. I don't care about a flat tummy or even losing weight, I just want to know I will have stamina when I am finally having sex again. Some girls take a really long time to climax and it sucks to have your arm give out when they are on the verge. I suppose by this logic I should also be licking a lot of ice cream cones. What the hell can you do to exercise your tongue? Tongue twisters? I dunno. Ululating?

Maybe.

Kissing would be good tongue exercise, but I have no one to kiss, so that's out.

And yet because I quit smoking, I am so much more kissable! :D I would actually taste nice, not like a divine ashtray.

I have to get serious about my business. BLAH! I don't even feel like writing about all the things I have to do regarding that. But I should make myself a plan for the next six months of what I am going to do.

This week we will HOPEFULLY find out about the grants we applied for, Mum applied for a grant to make some new work and go to a bead store in Washington (the state), and I applied to do a video about being butch and also do the editing in Hamburg at a residency. So I don't know what will happen, I hope I get it. I've been feeling very discouraged about grants these days. The last two years I have only gotten travel grants. Also I am thinking about getting started on writing a production grant application, which will be due April 1st in the Aboriginal Section. I'm nervous about that too, because you can only apply with a project twice and then that project is killed if you don't get your grant. Which is what happened to my Mars video, which is sad because I thought it was a really good idea and would have advanced my career a lot.

Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.

I'm interested in telling stories about queer folks that are about larger topics and just happen to have queer characters in them. Like Bunnyhug is a queer film but it's really about going crazy. That kind of thing.

I have to call PAVED Arts on Tuesday and rent some equipment, but they don't have a list of their mobile equipment on their website anymore, which is problematic!

Automatic problematic.

There is a small child here and both the other adults who look after him are sleeping. So I am stuck being a child wrangler. I'm not doing a very good job of it either, right now he is turning the water on and off.

I moved my bedroom upstairs on Friday. I am liking it so far, but I dislike that I can't shut the door or the dogs and cat freak out in the middle of the night and paw at it and scratch it, and it doesn't matter if they are in or out of the room, they paw at it either way.

I did come to a major decision though. Beatrix Kitty has started peeing on everything, so I am going to let her go to a different home. If she keeps peeing on their stuff, then I am going to suggest she move to the country and be a barn cat. It sucks, because she is a really sweet kitty, but I can't stand it when cats pee on my stuff. It's a dealbreaker for me.

Anyway, three dogs is enough, we don't need a cat too.

Oooh! I gotta go! Cripes! Maybe I will write more laterz!

The Futility of Desire, or; the Phantom of the Oprah

I have had an unprecedented amount of unrequited crushes in my life. It kind of sucks! I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep picking such unattainable women to fall for. I often wonder if it's because subconsciously I don't feel deserving of a mutually loving relationship. There's got to be something going on! Sometimes I wish I had a real counselor and not just a psych nurse.

I was doing alright for girlfriends between the ages of 19 to 23, then it all kind of petered out and I ended up falling in love with women who became friends and nothing further over and over. I've had an unrequited crush for four years at a time sometimes. That's a long time to be romantically preoccupied with someone who doesn't even want to have sex with me! Oh man.

So you can understand why I feel like desire is totally futile.

I wonder what will happen to me the day it ISN'T futile anymore? Will I have a really hard time adjusting to being with someone who really wants me as much as I want them? Will I get all scared because it hasn't happened for years and run away as fast as I can? Will I get all jerky and crabby to drive them away? Will I get stressed out because I am in love and go insane? It's worrisome.

But not as worrisome as the alternative, which is that I spend the rest of my life alone continuing to get unrequited crushes and feeling depressed like the Phantom of the Opera, which I almost spelled Oprah. Yes, the Phantom of the Oprah.

Here's something to make you cry, it's from Post Secret about sad love.



I am tired of sad love. Well anyway, enough of this blogging for now, now I am off to keep slowly moving all of my bedroom things upstairs to my new bedroom. I will think of a good New Year's Eve blog to end the year with!

New Years Re(s/v)olutions

I am doing my annual hunt for worthy New Years Resolutions. For the first time in years, quitting smoking isn't on my list, because I already HAVE quit and I just have to stick to it. It's been over three weeks now, and I am doing much better. I did dream again last night about smoking, but I just brushed it aside when I woke up and it hasn't bothered me.

So OTHER resolutions. Well, I do still want to exercise more. My mom and I are planning on going to the leisure centres to do Aqua Boxercise this year. I hope we do it, it would be so fun! I only did it once last year, pretty silly since I had a leisure card.

I should commit to doing my laundry more often, it would make me look a lot less shabby. Shabby lady! I am going to otherwise care for my grooming more. Like not walking around with bed head all day anymore. And being sure to brush my teeth twice a day. And flossing, which I was going to try and do last year but I forgot.

Intellectually, I think I need to commit more time to reading. I need to read a variety of things too. I don't know what kind of goal to set around reading. A book every two weeks sounds about right. I will need to get my library card ship shape then, because I have really bad fines on it. UGH!

Creatively I am going to stick to my goal of making two videos a year. I will be done this Super 8 film in the next couple of weeks, and then I have my butch video I will hopefully get a grant for. I am also going to be applying this year for production funds to make Bunnyhug. I hope I get some cash! I really want to do my feature and it's not like Telefilm is going to give me any money before I have made a feature. It's so complicated. You must produce a feature to be eligible to get money to produce a feature. ??????

And I am going to keep trying to get into good writing habits of writing everyday, even a little bit. Not necessarily always in this blog, but writing anything, bits of my novel, a short story, a poem, a grant application, whatever. I must increase my output!

My big challenge this year though is to accomplish 6 sober weeks from that thing I love. After 6 weeks I am going to re-evaluate how I am doing from where I began and decide if I am going to stay clean. I have meant to do this for a really long time. If it turns out I am doing way better, then I think I will try to hang on to my clearness. I'm also very curious about how it will impact my creativity, since that is my most important aspect of my life being an artist and writer. And if it will allow me to be more productive, which is also important. It's all an experiment. But it's exciting.

The thing I have worried about is how irritable I know I will get and wondering when I can expect it to end. I don't want to be a bitch forever. And I don't want to fuck up relationships (not Relationships cause I don't have one) with friends and family because I'm withdrawing from weed and am all crabby and jerky. I wish I could write a big disclaimer and stick in on my forehead, some kind of apology in advance. It's probably what I am worried about the most.

Quitting smoking has made me think it's more possible to quit weed for a while anyway. I'm still obviously ambivalent about giving it up forever, but at the same time I know I would save a lot of money and probably feel way better. Who knows, maybe even the amount of psych meds I am on would go down. Maybe I could even go off Risperidone. That might be nice, then I could do mushrooms again. Ha ha, I'm kidding. Am I? O.o

You can find magic mushrooms on lawns in Surrey!

Aw, I still remember that time I did mushrooms and they worked. That was so fun. Oh man. That was that magical winter before I went crazy and everything went to hell. Damn.

I'm going to be busy this year. I'll be in Germany for a month this summer if all goes as planned. I will also be in Australia at some point for a couple of weeks. And then when I get home I will find out if I got my production grant for Bunnyhug. AAAAARG! I hate that, it'll be the third summer in a row where I run out of cash just before finding out if I have a grant. HOWEVER, if I work really hard at advertising and doing sales calls, I might have enough clients for my business that I can earn a living on my own. And then I won't have to worry, because I will already be booked up for work in August. That's the only way to save myself! I have to plan for this way in advance, because the last two summers have been shitty for being broke ass Thirza in August when all the fun events happen in Saskatoon like the Fringe and the Exhibition and Folk Fest. And I don't want to have to stay home again.

All of this, of course, means that I absolutely must not have a manic psychosis this year. Or at least wait until September to have one. Ha ha, no, none at all! Nyet!

If all goes according to plan then fall 2012 will be spent auditioning and location scouting and so forth, and then I will be shooting my feature just before the Solstice. When the WORLD ENDS AND THE ALIENS LAND!

And then I will apply for post production funding, and end up waiting until August for the fourth year in a row.

Oh man!

I am coming up with new coping mechanisms for holiday stress!

This Christmas was different for me because while I drank, I actually didn't drink that much. I had two drinks on Christmas Eve and maybe four drinks on Christmas Day, spread out over several hours. I felt a lot better. I was clearer and I dunno, it was just nicer.

I also avoided smoking even though all my cousins were smoking all around me. I have cut back on my nicotine lozenge intake too, which is good, I am just forgetting to take the odd one now and then. It's just happening really naturally. I'm not even thinking hard about cutting down on them.

Oh Jeez I just stopped the wiener dogs from attacking Beatrix Kitty! Poor Beatrix Kitty! :O

But it worked out better this year. Except for my alcoholic roommate problems. My cousin got spectacularly drunk on Christmas Eve and it pissed me right the fuck off. I am just getting sick of dealing with this shit in my own home. Once he's gone I think we should make a commitment to only live with other females. Without drinking problems! Oh man. I never grew up with alcoholics in my daily life, and I've been fortunate enough that my roommates while I was an adult didn't have drinking problems. So this is all new to me. And it's just going on and on and I don't see him ever getting sober, to be honest. And I am now worried it is impacting my stability, because I need a stable home life to maintain my sanity! And I really don't want to end up in the hospital again. Twice was quite enough!

Damn.

I hate this.

If he doesn't quit or leave I might have to move out. Something has to majorly change, it can't keep going on like this.

So that's what I was thinking about all of Christmas day, and I looked on Kijiji for pet friendly housing and the rent was like 850 in this different places and up. Shitty. Right now I pay 500. And for the next six months I am only making 1000 a month. So I don't know what I am going to do.

And Mister needs a backyard where ever we go, and very few carpets.

It's a mess. I know Steven needs a good place his son can come and visit, but I also need a stable house without some drunk bothering me every five minutes and drinking all my booze because he doesn't know when to stop.

Once when I got screened for drug and alcohol problems, the results said while I had problems with marijuana, alcohol use wasn't a big issue in my life at all. And alcohol abuse and being a pothead are two very different things, I have discovered. Potheads just get laidback and sleepy and hungry, but alcoholics turn into different people. SUCH different people. It's like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde kind of stuff. It's weird!

That's why I don't like it.

Addiction is weird.

Well anyway. Today I am going for coffee and doing some knitting with my friend Daniel. I have gotten really into knitting, and I have finally knit enough that I feel like maybe I will have a scarf by February. Plus I will have someone to talk to about this terrible home situation

Stressed to the Max! UGH!

I can see why so many people kill themselves this time of year. UGH! It is majorly stressful. And it is like this every year. I want to celebrate Christmas away from the larger family. There are too many of them and they get in my space. My Uncle, Auntie, and two cousins are spending Christmas in Jamaica. I think they have the right idea.

The problem is I just don't know why we do Christmas. It's supposed to be a big family thing but it's just all messed up and so much has to be done. And I don't like doing the work of entertaining large groups of people and being subjected to family judgement. Blah! Fuck that! I am so sick of Christmas. 33 of them is quite enough.

And there are too many invitations to things, and I am not going to be able to see every one, and I am already pretty much booked up for social events until the 27th. I am also stressed out by the sheer cost of Christmas. It worries me. I am going to be glad when my Christmas is just me and two other people or something like that. All day. No hordes. No family drama. No people bitching at me like I am bitching to you about how stressful it is.

I still haven't smoked! :D I am feeling good about that. I love not smoking! I had a dream I had cigarettes last night. I didn't smoke them, but I looked at them and longed for them. It was a weird dream. BUT I refused to let myself smoke them, even though I was totally subject to the whims of my subconscious. It's been 2 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 3 mins since I quit smoking. :D

I have hated Christmas for a long time. Not the actual holiday, just all the expectations that surround it.

And this Christmas we are doing renovations. It's really rough. So much going on in our house.

And Sky will be home, which is always a lot of work because she is special needs. I just don't understand why the family expects mom to do so much work to entertain them at Christmas when she also has to look after Sky.

It's always been like that too. They're going to stress her and me out so much we have heart attacks. In fact I should just rent defibrillators every Christmas from now on.

Aaaaaaaah! I want to run away!

I will find some Christmas cheer after another beer. I am just going to drink myself through the holidays. Like regular folk do when they are stressed out.

Mind like a hamster wheel *squeak squeak squeak*

I have awoken from a HORRIBLE sleep! I forgot to take my night meds at first and by the time 2:30 rolled around and I was still up, I went upstairs and took them. I fell asleep half an hour later, but then mum woke me up to look at Maeshowe at solstice (I slept a little more so I actually missed it) and then I missed out on getting a full eight hours.

So I am going to be crabby today.

I think I am finally falling out of love, which is GOOD! I'm tired of being treated badly and I'm tired of her attitude about me. She's got these weird ideas of who I am that don't match up with how I see myself. Or I didn't see myself that way for a long time, and then it kind of leeched into my soul and tarnished my vision of self. I don't think it's good to love someone who doesn't think you can do anything. It's much better to love someone who thinks you can do amazing things.

So I still don't know who I will fall in love with next, and it doesn't really matter. I can be a whole person without a girlfriend. My psychic says I will end up with someone for the rest of my life, so that is good to hear. It just troubles me, this fear that I will end up with someone emotionally abusive again. Or any kind of abusive really. Because that kind of shit sneaks up on you. I have this theory that you can tell a lot about a potential mate by how they treat people in the customer service industry. If I'm on a date with someone and they yell at some customer service rep, I'm out. Not interested at all!

Steven seems to have gone back to his partner. I don't know if he is still living with us or what, but we have to rent out the basement when it is finished. I hope he doesn't go back just to get kicked out again after we've gotten a new tenant. I don't know where he would go.

This Christmas we are having a ham! I love ham, I am so excited, we hardly ever get ham. And turkey is kind of lame, it dries out so fast and there are too many leftovers. At least with leftover ham you can cut off a slice and fry it up. What can you do to reheat turkey and make it taste good? Mum always puts turkey on bread with gravy, but I've never been a fan of that combo.

Last night I dyed my hair Hot Hot Pink by Manic Panic! I'm so happy, pink hair, pink hair! I wanted to dye it earlier but my horoscope said not to make changes to my appearance until after the 13th. And it was good to wait, because I found out I am getting income assistance and don't have to worry about a job job.

I really want my business to take off. I had to crack the whip on the logo designer because I've been waiting for it for months and I really need it so I can get business cards made. It's kind of fucking me up actually.

My cousin Sharlene is spending Christmas eve and Christmas morning with us. I'm kind of excited to have her here, should be fun! We'll watch Auntie Mame on Christmas Eve and then go to bed and wake up for presents, stockings, and mimosas, and then cap it off with a great big brunch with blueberry pancakes and bacon and pork sausages! I love Christmas morning because it's when my little family does our thing, without the whole big family being around.

Well, what else? I am crabby. I should get over it, but sleep deprivation doesn't make me a very happy person, it kind of fucks with my moods actually. Sucks! :(

Life Under The Harper Government just before Christmas

The basement is so close to being finished! And after Christmas I get to move up to the ground floor and have a bedroom with giant windows. WINDOWS!!!

Christmas is less than a week away! Sunday! OMG! I still have to get my cousin something, although I am dubious about whether he will get me anything. I know what I am getting him, but my Mom called me an enabler so I might get him something else. Depending on how much it is. He didn't come home last night. I don't know where he is.

Beatrix Kitty likes laying on her back. She's doing it right now, all flopped out beside me purring. She's a cute cat, I like her. She went through a terrible phase when she was a kitten, but all kittens are terrors.

Today in three hours it will be two weeks without a cigarette! :D But today is really rough. :( I am having terrible thoughts of going out and getting a butt to smoke, which is ridiculous because there aren't even any butts or cigarettes in the house, that's why Steven left last night. The temptation is really bothering me, especially since I read COPD screening questions at the clinic the other day and noticed I had two of the warning signs, coughing up phlegm and shortness of breathe. But my breathing is actually pretty good, and I think I am just coughing up phlegm because my lungs are cleaning themselves out. At least, that is what I am hoping.

Either way I know if I keep smoking I am on the path to getting COPD and it terrifies me. I don't want to be all gibbled because of a dumb addiction that made me feel guilty for years. I just hope it's not too late for me. And I hope these urges to smoke go away. For most of my quit I have had a pretty good time of it, except for a handful of days when I really thought about having a cigarette. It was funny, I would feel really vulnerable to a relapse for about a day and then the next day I would be on top of the world, looking down on creation! So I know these rough days pass. But damn it is hard. Still, every time I feel the trigger to smoke and I don't give in, I am deprogramming myself. And that feels good. They say quitting smoking is a process, not an event. Much like coming out of the closet I guess.

Speaking of coming out of the closet, I have realized it is a lifelong process. I come out a lot, but sometimes I just forget until it gets really awkward. It makes me realize I could go back in the closet just because of someones heterosexist mindset. I wanted to just make an announcement and be done with it and have everybody know. But no, I have to keep asserting it. Imagine being heterosexual and having people you meet constantly think you are queer, it gets annoying! Being presumed heterosexual is so bizarre. And it's especially awkward when I have to shrug off sexual attention from clueless straight men, because they have that whole idea that lesbians are doing it just to turn them on. UGH!

There's my rant for the day. That will be five cents.

No, there is more I want to write about I am sure.

I am a bit concerned by how many people I am supposed to buy Christmas presents for now. I really liked it when I just bought for my mom and my sister, and now people are telling me to buy for a whole bunch of people and I just can't afford it. Next year I am going back to my rule of only buying for my mom and Sky. I don't really care about a big Christmas. And I'm not even Christian! I should celebrate the solstice. The earth is tilting back towards the sun and the days will get longer again, that's reason enough to celebrate.

It's been unseasonably warm this fall/early winter. And there is hardly any snow. And I am being governed by a corrupt government which denies the very real fact of global warming, even though it is fucking with our arctic. Just because they can get some money out of the tarsands, which by the way uses more oil to produce a barrel of oil. SIGH! And I also disagree with fracking, I think it will increase earthquake prone regions. Even the US Military gave up fracking because they knew it was causing earthquakes.

Canada is going to shit. And we have four more years of this, and the NDP is being so damned quiet since Jack Layton died. We're the opposition, we should be doing more, it seems. We need someone who's brave enough to stand up to the bullies in our government. And we can't even call it the Canadian Government anymore, now it's the Harper Government. So fucked up.

I've really gotten into knitting these days. It's a skill for the apocalypse! LOL! We're days away from 2012, and there are still people I know who think something big will happen. I don't know what I think. I definitely think things are coming to a head. I can see civil unrest happening in Canada with this government that doesn't listen to it's people. And I know aboriginal people in Canada are really getting fed up with the racism and racist policies directed towards us. Racism is abuse. It's not funny and it's not merely an opinion, not when it is entrenched within government through things like the Indian Act. And it keeps me from reading the comments section. It seems like everyone in Canada is a racist if you just read the comments section.

Stayin' In on a Saturday Night

Knitting is awesome! :D I got tips last night from my friend Daniel and now I can do stitches a lot faster and easier and my tension is much better. I doesn't take as long to do a row now, which is making my tiny scarf finally progress. I am taking a break now to look at facebook. But I am going to knit again after I finish this post.

I don't have a knitting bag, so I am keeping everything in a liquor store bag. I hope I don't get mugged when I am walking around with it. I'm sure someone would be really disappointed to get unfinished knitting instead of booze.

I heard it is cool to knit, is that true? I wasn't trying to be cool. My grandma and mum knitted, and I kind of always wanted to learn but thought it would be terribly complicated. Plus I really need a scarf. I need a hat too actually, maybe I will make one after this scarf is finished.

It's really relaxing to knit. It's kind of addictive.

It's way better than smoking anyway, I wanted to do something else with my hands after I quit.

I have still quit! Not a single puff! It's been really positive. Some days are hard, but I have gotten through them. When I had a dream about smoking I had a bit of a rough day, but I still didn't smoke.

My psych nurse told me that the addiction workers who run the dual diagnosis group here are really good at helping people resolve ambivalence about sobriety. I am kind of curious to talk to them about it. My ambivalence is legendary!

I'm so tired! I can't believe I woke up and stayed up all day. I was fretting in my head since the drama of Thursday, but I have figured out how to deal with it in the future. So that's good.

Tonight we went shopping for christmas stocking stuffers and presents. I know what dvd I am getting because I picked it up and said "OMG!" It's Disney's The Sword In The Stone, which is REALLY good! And I have never seen a copy of it since we last rented it at the video store when I was a kid. Maybe Kristjan will like it.

I'm staying home tonight, last night I went out and got really drunk and now I just want to sit at home knitting or in front of the computer while either drinking a pepsi or sucking on a mini nicotine lozenge. As I have gotten older, nights in are beginning to look more appealing. It's saving me money, that's for sure. Plus I am a little better at bedtime and night meds when I stay in. Sometimes I forget to take my night meds when I have been out, and usually my bedtime is way later too. But also some nights when I stay in I write until 2am.

I'm so tired! I think tonight will be an early night. The basement is getting renovated for Steven to move down there, and we have to paint it this weekend. I am in charge of painting all the trim, as in baseboards. And I also have to go through each board first pulling out the nails with a pair of pliers. I'm dreading the nail removal rather than the actual painting. Painting is kind of fun. Pliering is kind of suck ass. And I think I just made that word up.

I have no money coming in until January. I think I am going to take a break from my favorite thing just for financial reasons. I can't afford to go into debt over my stupid addiction. Although weed at Christmas would be really nice. Or am I using it medically? I don't really know. A break wouldn't hurt me though. I might get crabby but that's about the worst thing that would happen. Hopefully I don't get too crabby. Apologies in advance!

I really need a shower. And to brush my teeth. And to have a pee. And to put on deoderant. Tomorrow we put up Santa window clings and the tree with Kristjan! We have been saving it for when he comes over. I love our atheist Christmas tree. It's all santas and fruit!

Speaking of Christmas, both Mum and I want to change how we celebrate, or not celebrate it. It costs way too much money. And it is really stressful. I think it will be much more modest as the years go by. This year she is only giving me a stocking, but she gets really good stuff for our stockings. And I don't really need a present too.

Hmm, maybe I should go shower and generally clean myself up and then make a hot apple drink and knit for a while. That sounds really nice actually. YAY for staying in on a saturday night! I LOVE staying in on Saturdays!

I MUST MAKE SOMETHING EPIC!!!!!!

I got funded from Saskatoon Tribal Council!!!!! :D I am getting six months of income support while I work full time on my business. I have to write a report in three months and then another report at the end of the six months. And go in every month to sign a paper for expenses so I can get paid.

I'm pretty happy. I found out on Tuesday and today I finally got to sign my paper for January's money, so I called my worker this afternoon and cancelled welfare. YAY! I am not on WELFARE ANYMORE!!! I can make money and not be sneaky! Whew, that's good because I got four hundred bucks from a screening this month! I love when random artist fees come in.

In a few weeks, like maybe three weeks, I should know if I got my Sask Arts Board grant. I hope I did, otherwise I have to rearrange my whole residency in Hamburg. But so far I have had some money luck, so I hope it continues.

Grandpa and I were in the backseat of the car and he started singing "Meewasin, meewasin, meewasin soniyas!" and taking out some money to give to Mum for Sunday dinner. In English that would be "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful money!"

I think I am going to sing that song next time I get money!

I've been thinking seriously about making an extremely low budget feature film from my screenplay Bunnyhug. I think I still look young enough that I could play the lead role, which would cut down on actors fees. I think I could do a bare bones version with minimal video equipment and spending most of the budget on actors and crew. It's a film about extremely poor people too, so locationwise it shouldn't be too difficult to find a set. I'm not needing a mansion, that's for sure! I think that is what my next grant application at Canada Council will be for. And if I did a feature with Canada Council money and it was moderately successful (as in finished) I could go on to Telefilm money for bigger projects in the future.

I just think I really want to make narrative feature films, and I may as well start now. I have a whole blueprint for a movie, and it entertains me when I read it. It's a love story but really it's about insanity. I think it's important. And funny. Funny is good. And I know how to use my camera and I can edit and I can direct and act (actually I am a decent actor). Who knows, maybe I can even rent my mom's basement apartment for a couple weeks to shoot in.

It's ambitious, but I think I can do it. And I've been thinking about this project since 2003, I've planned all kinds of things about it. I know how I want lines delivered and what I want the set to look like and props I will have to collect. I know all their interior motivations and I've plotted how the edits will go.

Plus I need a big project to work on. I made a documentary feature, but I really want to get into drama. And who knows, maybe it will set the stage for me getting Telefilm money for Mars: The Maiden Voyage.

So that is what I am thinking about.

Monday I will get my footage back from the lab. That reminds me, I have to call and book the projector for Tuesday! And my video camera still needs to be cleaned, dammit! I will have to rent a mini dv video camera from PAVED for a day. I should have done that volunteer work, then I could have gotten production credits.

Tis a crazy life, to be a presently sane filmmaker.

My mom and grandparents went to my Uncle Doug's company lunch today. It was nice, I was sitting across from his cameraman and we got to talk shop.

Oh and I have to buy some sharpies.

I think it's gonna be a good little film.

There was some drama in my house the other day, my cousin's ex/still sort of girlfriend yelled at my mom, in her own house, the nerve! It pissed me off. I like having a happy home and I really resent people bringing negativity into the house. And verbal abuse is not to be tolerated. UGH! It brings me back to being concerned about who I end up with for a partner. I don't want someone who makes me feel bad.

Then Mom pointed out that someone I like makes me feel little and small. And I thought about it and I was like "Holy shit, you're right!" It irked me. I don't like feeling little and small, because I am not. I have a decent career, even if I have not made a million dollars off the back end of a five minute short. And I am doing things all the time.

But the other concerning thing about the verbally abusive episode in my house yesterday is that I don't want someone elses bad attitude to negatively impact my stability which I have worked SO FUCKING HARD ON for years! I'm not interested in being some unstable person's punching bag, or for my mother to be the punching bag either. It really upsets me. Stress isn't good for people with bipolar disorder, and it has precipitated my episodes in the past. So after living with mom for over a year and falling into a decent living arrangement, I don't want everything to get fucked up and higgledy piggledy! Aw fuck I think I spelled that wrong, oh well.

I saw my psychiatric nurse a couple of days ago. She wants me to approach the Partnership through the Schizophrenia Society to do public speaking with my mom about my recovery from bipolar disorder. I think I am going to do it. I could do like, five talks a year or something. I could do more, but I am going to start off reasonably.

She also told me she thought I was very gracious when I was all overmedicated and in a group home for months. She thinks that I might never have another big episode if I stay on my meds, and continue to do other things that aid my little brain, like getting proper sleep and eating right and stuff.

I really hope so. I don't think I could handle another manic episode, I would feel like my whole life was unraveling all over again.

Hey hey hey it has been ten days since I had a smoke! :D I am doing good! I'm really committed to not smoking this time, yesterday I sort of hit a wall and kept thinking about smokes, but I persevered!