Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Icy Blast of the Past

I recently had the most ridiculous dream, involving my ex-one-time-lover from high school and Nicole Kidman. We were wearing top hats, sitting next to Nicole Kidman at a premiere. Nicole was going to be in a film I was making which was completely in German (I don't speak German and I doubt Nicole does).

Now, I wasn't as surprised to find Nicole Kidman in my dream, considering since I've moved to Saskatoon I've had celebrity cameos in my nocturnal slumbers on a fairly regular basis. But I was surprised to see Miss X (her name is unique enough that she would be justified in giving me a boot kicking for naming her), since I had thought of her only rarely in the intervening years since adolescence.

But it did give me pause for thought. For one thing, I was pretty awful as a teenager. I did a bunch of stuff I regret. Hormones are so crazy when you're a teen, and jealousy is horrid. I was fucked up and confused and mean, and I was way too preoccupied with the advice and opinions of others. I think as I've matured, I've wanted to go back and try to make amends.

I found her email, sent a message of apology, and you know, I really have no expectations. I won't even mind if she never emails me back, I'm just grateful that a dream pushed me towards trying to fix something that went terribly wrong. Maybe it will inspire me to be more open in future relationships.

She's still as beautiful as when she was a teenager, and I was awkwardly crushed out. I hope that time has given me the grace to act more honorably towards those I love.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I'm shrinking!

I may have mentioned the terrible flu I got just before I moved, how I lay in bed for a week and didn't eat, and consequently lost so much weight my pants were falling off. Well, I've been eating, way better food too, and still, the weight is slowly slipping off me. I'm wearing my "skinny" pants now, which are still pretty big, and now they're starting to fall off too. Someone even told me I had baggy clown pants, since my butt is getting smaller and smaller.

It's so weird, just when I was starting to be comfortable being fat, now I'm losing weight. Pour quoi?

It could be because I'm eating less junk food. It could be because I'm smoking next to nil pot, and hence having less munchies. It could be because I have a job that entails moving around. Who can say? All this, and I still haven't signed up to be a member of the Y yet, which is on my list of things to do.

Two of the most important things for a wee bipolar person like myself to do is to eat healthy and get lots of exercise. Finally I'm in a financial position where I can actually realize those things. Sure, exercise is sort of free, but to actually have some spare cash to get a subsidized membership to the Y and access to their gym and swimming pool is kind of amazing.

Next week I get my first Good Food Box of Organic veggies and fruits. PLUS I have been drinking this really yummy protein shake my mother showed me how to make.

The recipe is as follows:
Add 1 quarter of soft tofu to 8 ounces of orange juice (or other juice if you prefer, I've been using Pineapple & Orange Fruit and Veggie juice). Blend with a hand blender. Then add in five frozen strawberries, chopped up a little bit, and blend that in too. Next add two heaping tablespoons of frozen blueberries and blend again. Next, add one tablespoon of golden flax (or regular, but golden looks nicer). Stir and drink!

Don't go all hardcore and live on JUST that drink, but as a breakfast substitute it's pretty decent and healthy.

Yes, maybe I am finally winning the battle of medication side effects. I felt pretty betrayed by such a drastic weight gain happening all because of meds that I need to be stable. Not to downgrade the Sexy Fat Girl movement, because fat is sexy. I guess, I just missed being able to go into a store and find things that fit me.

Of course, the flip side of this is that the last time I lost weight, I went into full on mania. A strangely common side effect of mania is that we all look so svelt. Then again, I don't feel manic, my sleeping patterns are fine, and while work has it's own stresses, it's not as stressful as the situation I was in when I flipped out (ratty apartment with nothing, not having a bed, living with someone's abusive boyfriend, living in Montreal and not speaking any french, blah blah blah.)