Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Same Sex Marriage

The only thing I hate about Same Sex Marriage is the term. It sounds suspiciously akin to Lesbian Bed Death (ugh). I imagine it referring to a union where both partners got tired of sexually experimenting and have now fallen into the rut of Same Sex. Not no sex, just tirelessly, relentlessly, unceasingly boring routine sex.

Blerg, that would suck ass. Thank god there are Pro Dom/mes in the world.

On a side note, you would be surprised how many female sex workers will take on female clients.

Back to Same Sex Marriage. I used to not care, seriously, I was all who the fuck cares if I can get married, but probably a lot of that was due to some cynicism about romance and the fact that there are nuns more sexually active than me. Anyway, then I started thinking about it. I have always had kind of a soft spot for marriage. I know some people really hate the idea of marriage because "it's all about ownership!"

I know. *smile* Why do you think I get off on it?

I'm not much for the idea of standing in front of a bunch of people who are just waiting for the free sandwiches and necking with a girl in front of my mum and grandma. Mostly I hate the idea because I have terrible stage fright and I'm scared I'll embarrass myself by fainting, farting, having a seizure, peeing my pants, getting tremors, bleh bleh bleh. Also I don't like the idea of spending so much money on one day.

I have a better idea for my wedding. I want to get married at a courthouse, have diamond rings, and then go to Paris for two weeks. I mean, my god, I feel embarrassed even having to go on stage to accept an award. Or being paranoid there will be hecklers.

I've been keen on the diamond ring idea for a while though. I'm even considering buying myself a diamond ring just because. I also want a cashmere sweater. I'm one of those people with pricey desires, and at this point in life no one can make me feel guilty about it anymore. I've even developed a fetish for femmes in full length fur coats.

My mom doesn't understand this desire for diamonds. My friend Naufus also wants cashmere and diamonds, we think it's something about being Emily Carr alumni.

I had a dream I was getting married and when they asked if anyone had a reason I shouldn't get married my mum yelled out "She's only doing it for the ring!"

The real reason I'm into Queer marriage though is that it affords our relationships legal rights which straight people (even in common law marriages) take for granted. It means my partner would have a legally recognized position in my life. For example, if I was in a hospital again and unable to give consent to a procedure, my partner could decide, like if someone needed to pull the plug but my mom insisted they keep my mushy liquidy brain alive, then I would have someone to bat for me. Or if I was in the psych ward and they wanted to do ECT just because they got tired of trying out pharms, then I'd have someone who would say fuck off with your electricity, I'm the only one she lets electrocute her.

iPod sanctions, Jackass Soldiers, Borat and Ali G

George W Bush's newest idea to intimidate North Korea is a sanction on Kim's favorite gadgets, including iPods. Can you imagine? I love my iPod, but if I had superpower ambitions and a nuke, I would laugh if you tried to punish me by taking away my iPod. Besides that, imagine how easily it would be to smuggle in an iPod. Think how many Americans smoke cuban cigars.

The US military is investigating some YouTube videos which show some gross behaviour, including the now infamous video of soldiers making kids run a mile behind a tank in the hopes of getting a bottle of water and laughing. Was amazes me is that these fucked up soldiers are so invested in documenting all of their abuses. They're like the Jackass/Bumfights generation of soldiers. All soldiers throughout history have done evil things, but these dudes film it and proudly display it on the internet. Remember all the Abu Ghraib photos with the thumbs up? Rumsfeld's solution was to ban cameras.

It's kind of interesting, the first Gulf War was all very controlled in terms of images we were allowed to see. Like camera shots from "smart" bombs hitting targets. Now with the internet no one can stop people from seeing the uncensored view of the war. And the irony is that it's the perpetrators who are making the images of this war, not reporters, just some cocky soldier with a camera.

I guess we had the same thing in Canada. Remember the murder of the Somali boy on a Canadian peacekeeping mission? They took all kinds of pictures of him.

There was a website for a while that offered soldiers a free account (it was an amateur porn site) if they uploaded a gory war photo. Tons of images came in that were each more gruesome than the last. The US military FREAKED and shut the site down, mostly to cover up the real face of war.

All very depressing.

In other news, Borat was the cause of Pam and Kid Rock's divorce. Apparently he saw the movie and flipped out on her in front of people calling her a whore and a slut. She had been in on the joke in the film and apparently had a great time performing, so it must have been devastating for her to have hubby treat her like shit over it. It was a major highlight of the film, it made me crack up anyway.

Other Borat trivia:
Borat's well hung son was played by Stonie, a gay porn star. Sacha Baron-Cohen was slugged out as Borat by an unappreciative New Yorker. Also he is being sued by various parties.

Some people are really appalled at Sacha's brand of comedy, even when they haven't actually seen it. I think it's because he's a Contrary. In Cree terms this is someone who teaches by the creed "If you cannot be a good example, be a terrible warning." For example, more well known aboriginal Contraries would be Coyote, Wesachejahk, or Nanabush. You can't take him at face value or you'd be an idiot, something he shows over and over in his film. I find it hard to explain why this kind of satire works. It's kind of like people who hate Ab Fab because Edina and Patsy are so evil, but don't realize that's the point, they are the antagonists. It goes against what we're taught are the rules in narrative storytelling.

I leave you with one of my favorite Ali G clips.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Poorest Postal Code

Well, it's snowing in Vancouver, just as their brown icky water was finally safe to drink. However whenever I call friends out there, these concerns are barely a footnote. Maybe because Vancouverites are expected to complain about the rain so much that when there's something else to complain about it seems awkward.

I will always miss the beauty of Vancouver.

And I will always remember the ugliness.

For the last year there I lived in Strathcona, about six blocks from Main and Hastings, the epicentre of poverty, drug addiction, sex trade, one room occupancy, etc etc etc. I've yet to see another skid row so dramatic. It was safe to walk around there if you knew the rules, the number one rule being don't look a stranger in the eye. If you do it means either you're looking for a john, you're looking for drugs, or you're looking for a fight. But aside from that, it was a nice neighborhood to live in, if you like drama. I had a friend who would point out the really scary people, like the neighborhood pedophile, or the neo nazi's. People really looked out for each other though, ESPECIALLY the Hastings crowd. Watching them from afar over such a long period of time made me notice this whole network going on. Yeah, poor, dysfunctional, painful, but they noticed when one of their kin went missing. They kept track if someone had a hot shot. And they were so active in creating community resources, like the safe injection site. In some ways it makes me feel bad for marginalized addicted poor who live in smaller centres with less visibility to push for services. People in Saskatoon are living just as on the edge as Main and Hastings.

There were fun things about that neighborhood too, like the Prickhouse, which always had a nice laid back vibe to it and where we met Wendy 13 and talked about the withdrawal effects of paxil and those damned electric zaps. There was the Cobalt, where I saw Kill Allen Wrench take a beer bottle smash to the forehead mere feet away. (Allen Wrench supposedly killed Kurt Cobain, though I also heard a rumour it was his cult suicide programming kicking in.) Allen Wrench and his bloody face were so close my friend caught a flyer for the event soaked in blood. I was a little suspicious of her carrying away a biohazardous souvenier.

Once I waited at the bus stop to go visit friends and a boy with blood oozing out of him ran up to me and yelled CANADA while sprinkling my clothes with his blood. Bleh. Thanks a bunch.

One corner always had lethal car accidents for some reason.

I won't tell you how many propositions I got, and none of them were for marriage!

Once it was dark and someone who didn't know I was me started yelling at me that I was a sick pedophile who molested her children and then she got embarrassed when she found out I wasn't Mr. Sick, but told me his apartment number.

Once in my apartment I got so drunk I puked on the floor and fell asleep.

Once in my apartment building a guy took a hot shot and his body wasn't found for two weeks when, you know, the smell was annoying.

It wasn't far to walk to the lesbian bar, where girls would give me suspicious looks. Being in a lesbian bar is not unlike being in high school.

Once a neighbor who was a john fleeced some poor sex worker out of her fee and she was outside his door screaming at him and his "dirty scaley dick." The next day someone wrote on the mirror "Would all tenants please donate 25cents to _______ so he can pay crack whores to suck his dirty scaley dick?" I laughed and threw a quarter down.

Another time at New Years my friend and I were on our way out and noticed a puddle of blood on the floor under the pay phone.

Strangely enough, all of those things weren't the true ugliness of Vancouver. The ugliness was the dysfunction, and how little people were genuinely compassionate. There are good people in Vancouver, but there's a lot of mean people too.

The end of an Era

Originally uploaded by fit of pique.
We got Deuteronomy at the end of the Cold War. He was supposed to be the companion kitty to my intellectually challenged sister. Oh man, or is the word developmentally delayed? It's not that horrid R word anyway. I first saw him in a quonset at my uncle's farm. He was teeny, and I wanted him right away. I just had a feeling about him. I had been badgering my mother for nearly a year to get a cat and she'd finally caved when Uncle John's cat had kittens.

Partly we wanted a cat because they weren't accidentally killed as often as hamsters, but that is another story.

He was a sweet guy and totally cuddly even to strangers on the street. He was also a deadly hunter and a big meanie fighting tom. He killed 7 generations of blue jays who insisted on nesting in the same tree every year. He also left us for six months to go live with the neighbors, who called him Moochie.

His death was beautiful and dignified, he got a sedative and then The Shot and was petted and loved right until he died in our arms. He was lucky to have such a nice death. I really hope euthanasia is legal by the time I'm old, crotchety, and ready to leave.

Bye Deuter.

More UFO's

Today we're saying goodbye to Deuteronomy, our family cat we've had since I was a girl. He was a real sweetheart, who was Sky's companion and put up with a lot of mauling without ever scratching her. He made everybody love him, even if he had to run in front of strangers and roll around showing his tummy. He will be terribly missed. He's being euthanized today because his kidney's are failing and he's probably in pain but he's really dignified so he's been trying not to show it. I'm glad he's going when he's still feeling a little better, it's awful to euthanize a much loved pet after they've gone totally downhill and are miserable.

I'm STILL not smoking. I had a dream about smoking recently, there was a cigarette rolled from butts and I was like "ooh, I'll smoke that later." (yes I know that's gross) I woke up in a panic that I had broken my quit, but it was all a dream. I'm starting to go through more smoking triggers in my life, but none of them have seriously pushed me into bumming a smoke. And I like that I smell nice again, and my cough is going away. And I find it really funny that after my theory that no girls were macking on me because I was a smoker, seems to be true since I kissed someone two weeks after quitting! That's reason enough to quit.

Right, the UFO's. Okay, SO, my friend Laurel and I went out on Friday night driving at around 11:30 - 1am. She told me there have been more and more sightings of UFO's and strange lights at these times, particularily on the east side of the city. Sure enough, we saw blue lights slowly come down from the sky, and a triangular craft flew by us then went over 8th street, this huge craft with lights along the side kind of lighting up in this pattern. I wasn't NEARLY so scared as the last time, altough we both did get terrified when we saw some of the blue ships get really close to the ground. If anyone wants to see UFO's, go out around 11;30 or 12;00. Go to the east side and drive around. Remember to check out Diefenbaker park and Cranberry Flats. Be prepared to drive away fast. And remember that blue ships have a reputation for having beams.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Firefox Browser Needed

I figured out why Safari was being an asswipe about showing my blog. Apparently now Mac users need to use Mozilla to see my blog. Crap! Sooooo, I am going to work on getting this freakin' blog back to some semblance of normality. And then I have to fix the trap in my sink, it's clogged and gross. In the meantime, here is the now infamous gay kiss in the video game Bully. It's pretty cute.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Stupid upgrade

Blogger is "upgrading" to something more fancy and so forth. So like an idiot I upgraded, even though this is so beta that it's delta. Anyway, it looks like crap, and I can't cut and paste posts anymore or they turn into crap, and no one can see the archives. SAD!!! So yes, this is my acknowledgement that obviously I have things to work on, and hopefully I will remember my html enough to whip this into a decent shape. Again.

No Grandkittens for You

Schrodinger is back from the vet sans testicles. I feel sorry forhim, he looks like he shaved his pubes and he's running around the basement crying. He's segregated from the other animals because they kept putting their noses into his bum. I hear him stomping around now. I will never have grandkittens now. And it kind of makes me sadbecause he's so pretty, along with being a purry cuddly sweetheart(even though he was an asshole as a kitten and people actuallypredicted he would commit matricide).

I don't really have much to write about, so I'm going to do one ofthose bouncy around link things. First off, I never thought I would be this impressed by a condom. Pronto is the fastest condom to put on and is made in South Africa. Really, you just have to watch the video. I warn you, it gets mesmerising, especially if you watch it over and over. It's like, the perfect thing for back alley tricks, airplane bathrooms, etc. They still need to perfect a stealth condom for sex workers who get paid more for bareback oral. Obviously something like that can't make a cracking sound.

I guess everyone has heard about Michael Richard's racist explosion of monumental proportions. For anyone trying to find some good excuses for Kramer, check this shit out.">
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Now check out his more subdued apology when he realizes he killed his career by being a white supremacist.">"type\u003d"application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode\u003d"transparent" width\u003d"425"height\u003d"350"><\u002fobject>

I actually laughed watching this, because I thought of all kinds of people being taken to task on their blind hatred of various groups of humans and acting like this. I mean, imagine Hitler apologizing onthe Late Show. "I'll try to contain that rage I feel towards millions of people I killed." Or Bush "I'm sorry that my hatred for Muslims lead me to destroy all hope of peace in the Middle East, obviously I'm not doing too well and there are things I need to work on."

OMG! Someone sent me an email saying I cumm very quickly and without ANY control!!! The cheek! It sounds like I'm running around spurting on everything! Okay, any of my readers, do I look like the kind ofperson who runs around cumming without control? How can anyone live like that?

*** yes I know my javascripting is buggered, I'll fix it later ****

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I wouldn't mind fur if someone wore it to my house like this

Well, I have now lost THREE posts to the nothingness of a crashed web browser. So let's start over again.

I got my ears guaged up not one, not two, but THREE sizes today. I started out as a sixteen and went up to a ten. My earrings are ridiculously huge so that they can tug on my lobes and help me in my quest to get to 2g. I'm wanting to get tunnels in, and I am very excited about it. This is my first stretching since the piercing was done back in August, which healed completely well even though to be honest I didn't give it much attention. Technically since I was going to get them stretched this much I should have gone for a dermal punch, but ugh, okay, that's a bit too hardcore for me. Just the name itself, bleh. I'm hoping I can get my industrial done for the 1st of December. That will be fun. And I'm still wanting to get this biohazard tattoo. I found someone in town who does really good black work. I've decided I want to live in my body and be myself even if that means I won't work in certain places. I'm even toying with the idea of getting a subtle facial tattoo, but I don't know where or what.

I'm thinking my next earring in my stretch a thon is going to be talons, because they're hot.

What else? Schrodinger is finally getting neutered, which is good because then he'll match everyone else in the house. I am the only one with working reproductive organs, and I am not going to use mine.

Cree class is fun, I'm starting to be able to put together simple sentences. I need to practice a lot more though. My mum keeps telling me to practice with my Grampa, but he kind of intimidates me, especially when he effortlessly said 99 jugs of wine, which is a really long phrase in Cree. God, I'm glad I'll never have to deal with a situation like that. Imagine, not only having to ask for 99 jugs of wine, BUT IN CREE!

God, I'm tired, I was going to say something else but now I am going to go to bed. I will endeavour to write a more interesting blog tomorrow. In the meantime, here's some Sexy Marcia Youtube style, with a special shout out to someone else who could watch her walk around like this for hours.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Warm fuzzies

I've been wandering around all weekend with a gooney look on my face and am totally not sure if I should put it on this blog. Oh I guess I will, but no names. I kissed someone I liked ages and ages ago and it was really nice. It's been a long time since I kissed a girl and I can see why I am so hooked. Women are just fuckin' hot. And there's some sweetness about being close to someone I panted after for so long when I was young, even if nothing else happens.

Considering the intense shit I am reading as part of my job, it's nice to have this sweet interaction going on outside of it. I have all kinds of sexy happy thoughts bouncing through my brain and it's making life seem really good. I guess life is good anyway. I really can't complain, I have a job, I'm creative again, my animals are wonderful, and I know someone who makes me feel all warm when I hug her.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

People, They Want to Touch Me!

I've been hanging out with some younger folks these days and it's starting to make me feel old. Some people have never heard of the Montreal Massacre, or Oka!! But it's the little things that surprise me. Recently I was yammering on about Nina Hagen to completely blank faces. OMG, no cultural reference at all. Nina Hagen! You know Nina Hagen.

My best friend and neighbor Lynn Hill, used to say "People! They want to touch me" when I would mention Nina in her company. It was a quote from a Nina Hagen interview.

I have already made my wishes clear that my funeral music should include Nina Hagen's cover of My Way.

I always wanted to see her someday, and then on my Livejournal I found out a friend's mother was hanging around with Nina that summer. Why Nina Hagen was spending the summer in Vancouver, I don't know. Maybe Vancouver's jaded enough to celebrities that people won't want to touch her so much. My Livejournal friend (who I had yet to meet in person) was trying to meet the legendary German diva and of course I got all excited. We never did get to meet Nina, but we did do a bunch of drugs and then I necked with her, her boyfriend, and his girlfriend. Which seems like a fitting end to my Nina story.

And for those who STILL don't know who Nina Hagen is, I present her cover of Ziggy Stardust, which I think is superior to Bowie's. Enjoy.

Sexy Knob!

I finally bought the Griffin PowerMate USB Multimedia Controller. It's a shiny aluminum knob with a glowing blue light beneath it. That doesn't sound exciting. Okay, it's a volume knob and a jog shuttle and a bazillion other things you want to program it to do. I've never seen anything so goddamn sexy in my life. I've ached and yearned for jog/shuttle ever since analogue pass over to the other side. Cramping your fingers over a mouse while you edit and cue video is so boring. And twirling around a knob is just sexy and fun. It's preset to work with Final Cut Pro, but I have to install a gig of memory before I can start using that program. I hope to get a gig in this weekend, because I really want to edit at home. I'm like, the most meticulous slowest fussiest editor there is. Maybe it doesn't seem like that, but that's because I run out of time and/or money. So if I have all this gear at home, I don't have to worry. Now I just need a HD monitor, a beefed up sound system, and maybe another harddrive, except I already have 250gb.

The knob rules.

It's like alien technology!!

That would be hilarious if aliens were old school and analogue.

Okay, maybe just to me.

But it really does have this spacy retro feel to it.

I didn't smoke pot most of this week and I TOTALLY noticed because I started having complex partials again. I got some tonight, already I feel better. I'm having some INTENSE thoughts lately related to my job. Nothing like I'm being treated horribly, just stuff I'm learning. It's pretty bizarre. Doing this research gig is like taking an intensive course, and getting paid for it. And I must say, it's pretty wicked to get paid to learn.

Jesus, I think I have to marry this knob. I keep gazing lovingly at it. Even if it won't fulfill my editing needs, watching it glow on the desktop is a sweet comfort.

Oh god, I am a geek aren't I!!? One day someone will find my hi tech materialist predilictions sexy and I won't have to resort to getting off on a multimedia knob.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Nazi's! *BARF*

Every so often I find out something that truly shocks me. I thought I was unshockable. I knew Nazi's were inspired to create concentration camps after seeing the residential school system. I knew that the Nazi's were inspired to begin a eugenics program based on the eugenics program in Alberta. I knew about Project Paperclip. What I didn't know is that Project Paperclip also operated out of Canadian residential schools. If you don't know much about Project Paperclip, they were involved in MK-ULTRA, medical experiments, drug testing and radiation testing.

And this is why some idiot like David Ahenekew or other fascist anti-semites in the aboriginal community creep me out. They don't realize that Nazism is intricately linked to 20th Century North American genocide of First Nations Peoples, even more than one could imagine. Just the idea that Nazi's were specially imported to continue their experiments on aboriginal children is disturbing.

Not only that, but Project Paperclip was also the original program which Ewan Cameron worked under during his experiments on mental patients in Montreal, and who's legacy is responsible for the abysmal inhumane conditions of Montreal psychiatric hospitals.

Fucking Nazi's why do you have to piss all over my life!!!? Isn't getting murdered by you whacked dudes in my last lifetime enough?

I hate Nazi's, but I love Germans. I can't explain it.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Family Adjusts

I got a call just an hour ago from my doctor's office telling me I can't drive anymore. I was expecting this, but totally not expecting how my mom would act about it. She kept being confused why I couldn't drive. Arrg! Because if I have an absence seizure I'll crash! She really didn't get it. Just a couple nights ago I was mentioning to my family that if I do have epilepsy I probably won't be able to drive anymore and they were so bizarre about it. First they didn't know why I couldn't drive, and then they started saying I didn't have epilepsy. I guess because I don't have tonic-clonic seizures USUALLY, and that's usually what everyone thinks of as seizures. Really though, seizures are multifaceted and completely different depending on which area of your brain they're affecting.

Last week I experimented with smoking pot more often throughout the day and my seizures went down 75%, maybe even more. I was also way more focused, confusion wasn't there so much. Mom kept coming around tut tuting about me being a drug addict. But I wasn't smoking it to get high, I wasn't really doing enough to get high. It was still working really well. The more I read the more I realize so many weird things in my life have been seizures.

I almost think my family is going to have a harder time adjusting to me being epileptic than being bipolar. I'm not sure why this diagnosis seems worse. At least more is known about epilepsy, whereas bipolar disorder is kind of vague and mysterious still. I don't know, I feel hopeful about this. Like, maybe knowing what I have is going to improve my quality of life. Whatever it is I just want to know that I'm living to the fullest that current medical science can give me. Being off Zyprexa has turned my life 180. I'm really amazed at the change in getting off of that drug.

I've only ever been seriously manic once and it was a drug induced mania. I mostly have depression issues, and those are supposed to be pretty common with epileptics.

Anyway, life's okay I guess. I have clean teeth, I don't smoke anymore, my dog's a smarty smarty smart pants except that he ate an eraser today and puked and then I had to rub his back until he felt better, uh, someone gave me pictures of Marcia Cross's boobs. I'm constantly amazed at femmes, especially high femmes. They're so much tougher than I am. I don't know where people get the idea butches are all rough and tough, I'm such a marshmallow. It's sexism. Butches and Femmes shouldn't have to follow prescribed gender roles, how boring is that!!!

I need to buy another bar of candy soap because finally people will be able to smell it on me.

I disapprove of the current Nicole Kidman nose. Lucky for her my opinion of her nose doesn't matter.

Oh yeah, and that little dog of mine started going through my pockets while I was taking a nap and was running away with money again!!! What the hell?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sir Bathroom

I was reading a recent post on Margaret Cho's blog about an incident she and her friend Ian Harvie had at a Bette Midler gala where Ian was basically sexually assaulted by a woman in the bathroom because everyone thought he was a man. He does identify as a man, but he has a female body and feels more comfortable in the women's room. Anyway, this woman totally grabbed his breasts three times!

I have bathroom problems, not as much as some other masculine women, but enough to be annoying. No one's ever grabbed my tits though. I got sir'd just a few nights ago. The only thing that really bothers me about being called Sir is that the only time I use it is in a deferential BDSM context and my bottom side thinks "OMG! I'm not a Sir!" Aside from that I don't really mind if people think I'm a man, because I am sometimes. But not nearly stealth enough to be able to use the men's room. I do use the men's room on occasion, but only if I know it's going to be safe. I haven't mastered using a urinal though.

What amazes me about the Sir Bathroom issues is that often the only masculine signifier to trigger off gender anxieties is short hair in women. I mean, it's really ridiculous. Sometimes I've walked into a bathroom with full cleavage and I still get Sir'd. That one thing, it's bizarre, especially when you consider how many women have short hair. Sometimes I also think homophobia is involved, a butch lesbian is pretty obviously queer, and telling one of us that we aren't really women is a good way to dehumanize and shame us. I doubt they're conciously thinking "I'm going to queerbash that person" but they are.

At queer events in Vancouver the bathroom thing wasn't really an issue. Most of the ones I went to would have gender neutral bathroom signs replace Mens and Ladies. I really didn't care about taking a piss next to someone with a penis, I wasn't scared.

What I find really ridiculous are single stall bathrooms that are still classified Male and Female. I see no reason why they can't just be two bathrooms, full stop.

The other thing is, god, do you know how rude that is to stop someone when they need to piss or shit? Gah, how jerky can you get?

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Dead Thirza

I'm not dead, don't worry, that's just the title. And I don't want to be dead either. I've just been looking over my life and you know, I SHOULD be dead by now. There have been SO many close calls in my life to be hit by cars (I have been, twice), fall to my death, drown, commit suicide, get murdered (which has nearly happened). It's insane. And yet I'm alive, still, relatively unscarred. I could have died at birth even. There have been so many times the grim reaper's sythe just skimmed a few hairs off the top of my head. It's starting to feel unusual. I mean, really strange, like I'm being saved over and over for a reason. And I have no idea why. I don't think I'm any more special than anyone who dies suddenly, but I keep avoiding it somehow. I'd be disappointed if I did die soon, because I know why I'm here and I'd be annoyed if I didn't get to complete the mission. That sounds really dramatic but it isn't. It's a noble mission but nothing like being Jesus or even a minor prophet. Just doing my work and then passing on to the other side quietly in my old age.

But really, how come I keep cheating death? And how come my perception of the world is constantly shifting, as in seeing paranormal things? And why oh why do I not have a girlfriend? If I keep not dying that must be a lucky thing, who wouldn't want to be close to someone like that? I don't know what it is.

I'm cleaning the basement where I'm living. It's starting to look nice, like a human lives there. I got an iTunes Music Store card and I'm downloading tons of old songs I can't find in my other nefarious ways. I downloaded a copy of Ella singing Mack the Knife in Berlin and messing up all the lyrics, I think it's one of my favorite live songs. I'm not a big Mack the Knife fan normally.

hey, update on those weird lights, someone else saw those lights in Manitoba on the same night at the same time, with weird northern lights around them. Solid red northern lights that didn't dance. Very very weird.

Rumsfeld Charged

Holy shit! I am just going to be saying that on here over the next few months I think. Germany is filing charges against Rumsfeld over Abu Ghraib and other torture. That is amazing. And I wouldn't be surprised if once Bush is out of office charges will be filed against him. Why Germany? Because they have universal jurisdiction to prosecute war crimes.

I do feel kind of sorry for the Democrats. They're going to inherit a government filled with problems and corruption. They'll have to figure out what to do with those dictatorial laws and undo all the damage caused by Bush. And I'm not sure the American public will realize why the government will have such a hard time. And possibly the fall out of the Iraq war in the form of terror attacks. It's still going to be hard for America for the next few years.

I hear the US is now planning an exit strategy.

It's so strange to think how this all started. I remember being at Emily Carr and they had a meeting for the students to come and talk and get support just after the towers fell. And so many people were upset, but not so much for the attack as for the possibility of war. And then I remember my first day pass out of the hospital in Montreal when I went to the huge march protesting the oncoming war. HOLY FUCK that was a huge march, and I was still all freaked of large crowds of people. And then just watching all this terribleness unfold, and feeling like the whole world was wondering what the fuck was up with America, why they were being so, ugh. It's so weird, America had a chance to find out why the world hated them and then do something about being hated. The whole world was horrified by Sept 11, it was the perfect time for them to alter global feelings. But they didn't. Instead they embarked on an illegal war and a series of totalitarian legislation.

I have hope for America though. I think they're going to be okay, and if you'd asked me that a few days ago my answer would have been completely different.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Neurological Exam #1

I had my first neurological exam for my referral to a neurologist. It seems some of my reflexes are missing and I have a shake. This is all pretty curious, and I'm still having a melange of feelings about this possible misdiagnosis. I talked to an old friend yesterday who knew someone who was misdiagnosed as bipolar when they really had temporal lobe epilepsy. It's a bit scary, in particular because some of the things I've noticed, I dunno. I just think that psych meds have compounded my health issues dramatically and I'm worried I might have developed something in addition to the problems I had before that could drastically limit or shorten my life. And if my misdiagnosis really did seriously fuck me up neurologically, god, it's not like I can go get another brain.

I'm pretty lucid these days, but I've been hearing voices a lot more often than I would like to. And not just the run of the mill voices I usually hear and ignore, these ones are kind of scary voices. Not stereotypical "Kill everyone" kind of voices, I mean they don't give commands, but they still scare me because they sound mean and intimidating. I just want to be all "Fuck off voices!" I can understand why people start talking back to them. It's not necessarily because you believe they're real, it's just because it sucks to be verbally harrassed by your own brain and not have a chance to just say fuck you.

I got a nice artist fee and spent it all! On things I needed pretty much. I have a router, new headphones, some sweaters, one is lambswool and cashmere and the other makes me look like a butch academic on a fishing trip. I got a neck pillow for my broken tailbone. Some iTunes money, Boogie Nights and V for Vendetta. I got Yaktraks which are fucking AMAZING!! You slip them on your shoes and suddenly walking on an icy sidewalk feels like you're just walking on gravel, there is NO slipping at all, until you walk into a store with a cement floor. They're like urban crampons.

I also noticed something recently. Since I've switched from Zyprexa to Lamictal, my emotions are coming back. Not highs and lows, just, wow, real emotions, beautiful feelings that actually make me cry. God, and I cry a lot more, not because I'm depressed, sometimes it's like happy crying. It feels like I didn't have a soul the entire time I was on Zyprexa and since getting off it it's come back. My god, even watching bloody Nora get shot on Desperate Housewives made me bawl, and I hated Nora, she was so fucking annoying. It was weird feeling pressured to not have feelings because I was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Anytime you express any emotion people ask if you've taken your medication until eventually you just stop expressing anything, living like a flatline seems like the only option for survival. I don't want to live like that.

And I don't think the medical establishment understands a thing, especially in regards to the brain. I know I'm throwing around words like epilepsy and bipolar, but I really don't think of either of those as illnesses in and of themselves anymore. I think they have multiple causes and the terms are only useful in terms of describing possible courses of treatment. And I don't think the treatment that goes along with bipolar works for me. I think the ones that have are the anticonvulsants. And maybe other epilepsy drugs would help me find more stability. It's a thought anyway. And I don't want to leave my health in the hands of indifferent psych ward doctors who only see me for a few weeks and don't have years of follow up like my GPs.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Save Us Nancy Pelosi, you're our only hope!

My butt still hurts, I'm going to the doctor in an hour. I might try and get some heavy duty painkillers out of her like Percocet or Vicodin or even Oxycontin.

I was trying to think of an appropriate youtube video to celebrate the Democratic win of the US House and Senate. All I could come up with was Judy Garland. Yep, sometimes my inner fag is really fuckin' flamey.

One of the things I find so fascinating about Judy Garland was all the corruption going on behind the scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Not only did they get her addicted to amphetamines, but they also had some older woman seduce her to keep her occupied. OMG!!!

And Toto died THREE TIMES during the filming.

Oh right, I don't think I've mentioned this on here. I quit smoking on Saturday. I've been too caught up in my bum to worry about the smoking, but I think it's going pretty good. My cough is going away, I can smell things again. I can probably taste things really well too. And I got my teeth cleaned prior to quitting and I had no cavities. So I'm pretty happy about all of that. PLUS there is always this theory that I've had regarding the conspicuous absence of girlfriends during my smoking phase, I'm curious if now that I've quit my appeal will go up again. I'm happy to not be smoking anymore. I don't even think of it too often, well, not with this pain in the ass I have!! Plus it is getting too cold to smoke outside anymore.

I'm seriously considering getting a Violet Wand with some of my artist fee, and a tattoo in the shape of the Biohazard symbol on the back of my neck. Hmm, very curious.

If Bush and Cheney are impeached Pelosi will be president. Imagine that.

And why the fuck isn't Bush getting impeached? They sure were all gung ho about impeaching Clinton for a consensual blow job.

Whatev. Gotta get ready with my laundry list of complaints for my doctor's appointment.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Holy Crap

The Democrats took the house and senate and Rumsfeld is resigning. HOLY FUCK!!! Are we allowed to sing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead yet? I didn't watch any coverage because I was confined to bed by my broken butt, but this morning I've been checking out the new USA. I am so curious what's going to happen. I mean before when it looked like Republicans were going to rule the world I just kind of gave up. I mean, we're all going to die kind of thing. But now I actually feel hopeful about the future of the world.


I just got an artist payment from Video Pool in the amount of, erm, a huge amount. Holy crapola!!! Nearly one grand, go Video Pool!!

My butt still hurts, I freakin' hate it. Broken Tailbones are no fun, blerg. It's like that OWWWW!! I mean to say, it sounds like the name of a punk band. Or a bar, The Broken Assbone. I hate freezing rain. And I can't go spend my money on silly things until my bum is better. The sadness.

Essentially it is a good day. Hope is a nice thing to feel. And having money is a good thing too. OMG! I can get Metrosexuality and the Trannyfags porno!!! WOOOOOO!

Off to celebrate Democrat win by online shopping!!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Poo Cock

I broke my tailbone this morning and my mum laughed at me for five minutes and then took me to work, where I am now. And where I am leaving momentarily. This pain is WAAAAAY too excruciating for me to even contemplate doing any kind of work, and I think I'm just going to go to bed for the next two days. Ow, fuck, I can't even tell you how much this fucking hurts. Okay.

This is stuff I had been saving up for a blog. I just love French and Saunders that much. I have an intellectual crush on Jennifer Saunders, too bad she's married. Anyway, here is them looking up innocuous words on the internet.

"Your mother sucks Jelly-Babies in Hell!"
"No she doesn't."
A good exorcist spoof to bring you down from Halloween.

I found this JUST this morning. It's a trailer for a movie that will never be made. It was originally made for the Venice Biennale. Courtney Love as Caligula? Whatev, it's sexy. I would rent this movie just for the dildo cocksucking scenes itself. I never understand straight people who don't realize what girl on girl action involves. Yes, some of us like sucking each other's cocks. No, it doesn't have to make someone actually have an orgasm to be fun.
Okay, fuck, my ass hurts. Hope you enjoy.

I fucking Hate Saskatchewan!!!!

If there is a good movie ever made, it will only get two nights screen time in Saskatoon (Paradise Now). HOWEVER if there is some really abysmal piece of celluloid shit on offer, it will be guaranteed a six month run (John Tucker Must Die is STILL playing!).

I have noticed this alarming trend since returning "home." I use "home" in quotations because while my family is here this isn't really my home at all and I know it. My home would have better movie goers, and more intelligent audiences.

So Death of a President was playing here. AND I knew it probably would have a week screentime, MAX!!! I asked people to go see it with me. I pleaded. I linked to previews of it. Nothing. Someone even suggested it would be american propaganda (yeah, cause assasinating a sitting president is always propaganda.) Fuck. So the upshot is, I fucking missed Death of a President.

Which means I am back to doing what I had to do when I was a teenager living in this buttfuck province of cinematic trogolodytes, I will have to go see movies by myself. Fuck all y'all, if you're not going to see a movie with me I am seeing it by myself, and I refuse to spend any more money on those goddamn idiotic movies you all seem to prefer. So far I've missed Paradise Now, Death of a President, Idlewild, and I can't even think of how many more. And don't even fucking ask me to go see a movie with you if you aren't a regular viewer of independent or foreign films. And don't take me to a video store to pick out a movie with you either because I know you'll pick out something crap and than wax romantic on how amazing it was.

I don't think it will be any different when I make movies. I bet I will have only one screening in Saskatoon, and even then most of the people I know won't come because they'll be queing up for the latest Johnny Depp flick. FUCK YOU SASKATCHEWAN!!!!

If only Canada had no dumbass neighbor

Smoking up with my Cuz down in Regina this week we mused on what Canada would be like if we didn't live next to the states. We agreed we would probably be a lot like the Netherlands. Marijuana and some other drugs would be decriminalized, we would have official red light districts, more and more safe injection sites, in essence we would just be a lot cooler. I think we really as a nation do want to be like that, except we live next to a world superpower who overreaches it's values and laws into other countries.

I read a recent poll of Britons, Mexicans, and Canadians who overwhelmingly agreed that Bush was more of a threat to world peace than Korea's nukes.

So tomorrow are the midterms. I'm not sure how I feel about them yet. On one hand I'm tempted to say "Yay! They have a chance to get rid of him!" On the other hand, I don't think they do. Not that the majority won't vote democratic, it's just becoming more and more obvious that their votes no longer matter. They don't live in a democracy anymore, it's a faux democracy, but really if they're not already living in a dictatorship (which I think they are) then at least they're living in an oligarchy. If they get another Republican House and Senate, what are they going to do? Are they going to overthrow the government? The government already has sweeping powers against it's citizens, there's not much they can do. They'd be declared enemy combatants, the National Guard would be called out. My god, they aleady need clearance from the Department of Homeland Security to even take a plane outside of the States (but you probably didn't get that little memo).

The world could step in and do a major military intervention in the US and sponsor some bloody coups. But I dunno, I kind of think we should just all step back and let the Americans work this one out on their own. It's not like they have much longer to be a super power anyway, Bush is already draining hundreds of billions of dollars away on an unwinnable war. Their carelessness about global warming might result in the desertification of most of America and thus a third world status. We're already well into the throes of a global pandemic and still people say "They say the next thing that will happen is a pandemic." Hello? It already kicked off in the 80's dudes.

It's been interesting to watch all of this coverage though. For the first time in history the New York Post will not recommend ANY republican candidates. A conservative magazine founded by Pat Buchanan recently slammed the Republicans and advised readers to vote Democratic just so that America doesn't go down in history as supporting this war. Even tv ads for Republicans try and omit Bush to distance themselves from him.

It's both promising yet, I dunno. The sweeping legislative changes made over the last six years have set America up for losing it's democratic rights and freedoms forever.

Okay, maybe I'm just a sad bunny.

My cuz recently said to me that we don't know what's going to happen on 2012 because we're moving into a different world and are currently between worlds and our future is yet to be determined. I kind of think this is one of those things that could determine the future. Let's say the election is stolen, again. At least there are still all those people who don't want the Republicans, all those people who are getting active, and maybe they will push for an even more revolutionary change than we have thought of yet. Maybe they'll completely change the way their government operates? Maybe there will be no government? I don't know.

Or maybe those freak ass lights will cover the sky and do something either very good or very bad. Who can say?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Help me Jebus!

Oh man, so the deadline for Berlin is today and I rush rushed home to do my application, only to find all the doors locked, and me with no key. I'm still shivering. I was stuck outside for about an hour and a half at minus 9 degrees. I'm STILL shivering an hour later. It's was kind of farcical I guess, I felt like the little match girl. And I kept thinking, what an ignoble death. To die in a garage because of an application deadline. Wow, deadline, that is creepy. I was reduced to using my dictaphone to describe objets in the garage. A skidoo. Skis. A plank of wood. Lawnmower and other gardening accoutrements. Plastic dinosaurs. Some kind of toilet helper for people with limited mobility.

Fuck, I'm still cold. I think I should go take a hot shower, right now.

Anyway, I did get my application in, but I don't know if I squeaked just under the deadline or not. And I'm not sure if they take time zone changes into consideration since it's an online application. Either way, I finally have a very sexy more polished version of my screenplay, so it will be easier to submit to labs. And I finally have something I can show to potential producers, which is good, I want to find one in time for the march deadline at Telefilm.

Jebus, my hands are cold. And I used a message attached to the door in pudding in case my mum came through the front instead of the garage. She was quite grossed out when she saw it. And I was quite sad for wasting that much Kozy Shack rice pudding.

Suffer fools gladly

I can't suffer fools gladly. I try, but they're just so dumb and annoying and they work really hard to keep it that way. I don't know how many times people have accused me of lying to them when I pretty much never lie, especially about fabulous adventures and history and so forth. Yet apparently I am a liar. The funniest one was when I mentioned off hand that tomatoes come from the new world and some white boy had a huge wobbly and nearly screamed that it wasn't true. I don't know why he had invested so much into the idea that tomatoes were a european fruit native to Italy. I mean, how bizarre can you get. Once I told someone else that when I was in Schipol airport the security had machine guns. Once again "That's not true!" I don't think he had ever been to Schipol, but apparently he knew about airport security there. I've also noticed a disturbing trend that it's primarily white people who accuse me of lying. Hey man, it's just what I've noticed. I have nothing against white people. I have some good friends who are white.

I think the saddest thing about these people, besides the fact that they trample interesting conversational topics, is that you know they are willfully ignorant. They will live and die knowing and understanding only a minute fraction of the world. Anyone who might broaden their world view just gets shut down. I'm not sure why. I pretty much just stop talking when one of those people are around. I can't help it if I've had a fabulous and interesting life. And then people are like "Why doesn't Thirza talk? She's so shy." I don't think I'm really shy, I just don't suffer fools gladly and I'm tired of opening my mouth and being called a liar.

Well anyway. No UFO's last night but I did hear someone once saw aliens out there.

My dog is a genius. Maybe I've already mentioned this. I'm sure he understands english. He loves Cheezies, like insanely. And he knows what a Cheezie bag looks like. If he sees one in my bag he carefully secrets it out and runs away to eat it. Not only that, but yesterday morning he went into my pockets, pulled out a ten dollar bill, and gave it to my mother. I don't know why he's stealing money from me now, and even more baffling is why he's giving it to my mom. I suspect they are in cahoots.

Last night just before the wave of trick or treaters came out Mom accidentally let Schrodinger outside. We never let our kittens out on Halloween, it's just a rule. So I spent twenty minutes in the back yard trying to catch him and I kept telling Mister to flush Schrodinger out, and he did!

And I started running out of candy for the trick or treaters. I was down to giving out either cigarettes or instant coffee. We didn't even have dried apricots. Luckily I went out before the candy was all gone. Someone was giving out cans of beer last year.

Military reports are saying Iraq is swiftly heading into "Chaos" and civil war. People are committing genocide (besides the Americans) and I'm thinking they might end up having a rapid withdrawal like the end of Viet Nam. Officially they won't say it, but they lost the war in Afghanistan. Now we're in there (bleh) and the Russians are warning us that it's an unwinnable war. To them it was their Viet Nam.

There are nude photos of Marcia Cross showering and yes, the carpet matches the curtains. Oh man. Mum and I argued about if I was a celebrity would I want nude photos of myself out there. I'm probably the worst person to ask because I have nudey videos everywhere, including a friend's tape who videoed my asshole. I told her you could see Marcia's boobs in Female Perversions, so I didn't see why it was a big deal. But I guess people feel less nervous about showing boobage than bush.

Someone in the states was arrested for having an Osama Bin Laden halloween costume. What is this world coming to? I highly doubt people would think an Osama Bin Laden costume was really him. He's been charged with Criminal Threatening. Incidentally he was also the dude who leaked Bush's drunk driving record.

I'm hoping to see Death of a President this week. It's been interesting just watching the preview. I know I bitch bitterly about him, but I don't want to see him killed, just brought to justice. Seeing his digitally manipulated face in fear is kind of awful, and mostly just because he's a fellow human and I don't want to see anyone be so afraid.

Anyway, gotta dash, I need to write some shit quick quick like a bunny.