Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Haven't you ever been Alan Smithee'd?

Alan Smithee is a name given to a participant in a film which they have no interest in making. I decided to crack the Alan Smithee code. I looped it through a unicode server which already exists in several different languages, all indigenous. It is based in a unicode mainframe. I can't access my computer without compassion. I looped it through Gmail. I took Nels Nielson off of my gmail account because he invited me and then we had a spat, at work. Anyway, whatev man.

I based Luke's Alan Smithee account on Monty Python and The Holy Grail. After it was cracked I saw it was signed by Richard M. Nixon. A joke? Probably. Maybe. Either way, it was really funny when I finally watched it. I made it talk in French and all other languages, and I made it disability accessible. I also videotaped what it looks like in chaos theory, which is fucked up! I mean, the images. It was all wavy and zooming around and stuff. Either way, I am working through Stanford's Project Backrub, which is what Google is. I cancelled my domain registration. And I also tried to report my SIN card as stolen, because I don't know how much of my ID James ended up writing down. Either way, I didn't get a chance to really report it, as I had Jerusalem Syndrome. April Fools Jerusalem Syndrome!

Plus I had a massive seizure, and was put back on Lamictal which made me go into anaphylactic shock. I died! Literally. I have a new pdoc, and a councellor, and my GP. And my weiner dog, who is a seizure alert dog. And he's really good at it! I am going to try and get into formal service dog training this summer, I know a trainer in town who is most excellent, especially with little dogs. And especially training psych service dogs. But mostly, I dunno, it probably is epilepsy. I am trying to see a neurologist. And then I may also have thyroid issues. And I also have to fix my computer.

Either way, I am doing a LOT better since my job ended. Sort of. I still need to calm down. I have nightmares I am being chased by an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile yelling "Achtung achtung!"

Alan Smithee could be anyone really. And just about everyone in the Industry has run into an Alan Smithee.

My Alan Smithee was the montreal psych system, a brutal system which dehumanizes people. After I got out, I got hit by lightning. It was like getting ECT. I would just loop through that one time period over and over and over. And I decided to get out of the loop.

But getting off psych drugs is hard. And especially if you have TLE. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. It's almost the same as being crazy, but different! I'm trying to learn how to live with it. And I don't know, I am gifted so there is that to work with too.

And there were also bad memories I had of someone who pretty much assaulted me before and after I went to the psych ward. And he decided to keep calling and telling me he was going to kill my whole family. My dad made a report with the Quebec police about death threats, but not much came of it, although it is on file there. I tried to report my ID stolen to the police, but not much came of that either. And then of course, there were the screen memories. It was like being put into a cult. I hate cults! Psychiatry is a cult, the way it works when it uses force.

Currently I am healing and just trying to get back to normal. I am trying to take a break from the News and Religion, but it always comes up again. Anyway, I am going to go have a nap now. I'm staying with family, trying to feel okay about life. It is hard, that is for sure. I decided to rewrite my screenplay, now that I know what the Alan Smithee is. I'm going to be spending the summer on holidays, occasionally writing.

That was stupid

I was trying to link my cousin up to a compassionate unicode mainframe for him to heal and ended up locking myself out of my computer!!! WTF?

Anyway, I will be fixing that later.

I have decided to forgo the boy option. I quite like being silky smooth.

I am trying to quit smoking, that is VERY hard. Depressing.

I am healing from my last job, I mean, my office worker job, because the stuff I was reading was WAY too hardcore for me. I still have nightmares.

I have nightmares that I am being chased by an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, no joke!

Anyway, I am still healing, and I will write briefly now and then, but if other people want to write here they can go ahead.


Monday, April 09, 2007

Cast your votes!

Who made Easter safe for same sex lovers?

Okay, how about, who is Trogdor?

Okay, is alcohol detrimental to people's well being?

Last question, and this is an easy one:

What does ACC stand for?

Entry for April 09, 2007
And the Exiles Church is a real name for a real group, but they have to go learn on their own. And they have a safe place to do it finally, because they chose the Albert Community Centre. Which has a jewish centre in it. And James Diamond is Jewish, so if he did good he can walk in and teach. If not, someone else has to teach. And I want the summer off so I can rewrite my screenplay. I hope you like it!! It's a love story about hate. And chasing hate away. And it has metaphorical dragons in it, but I am a literal boy, so it will just be about a couple of people. And transitioning into male! How's that for a story? Anyway, I don't teach Exiles. But they maybe can learn on their own now. I hope so, because I work with professional artists. And THEY are cool, because they always get it.

So thanks a lot Art Community for watching me grow up and helping me get out. And I will be seeing you at the ACC!

Most Sincerely Yours
Sarain Stump
ACC stands for:

Assinine Confusion Collective
Atypical Canadian Collective
Aboriginal Curatorial Collective

Mawwige! Twue Wuv

I deliberately married a dyslexic to save people. I don't know if you knew I could do that. But the marriage has been legally annulled. HOWEVER, Cindy and Megan really are legally married, it went safely. And I knew I could be there without hurting people because James Diamond though we got married ages ago. I don't know why. He's a weird guy that way. Anyway, I gave him a bicycle and a bottle of liquor in honour of him finding me. But even though that was a good game, it's not good to play while on a drinking binge. And I quit drinking ages ago. I took up smoking temporarily because it's a common thing in kundalini awakenings. Anyhow, there really is a dragon, it's name is Trogdor! It is a burninator. And I burned my psych stuff ages ago. I have the bill though, if he wants to pay for it. It's about 21 000. I hope he does pay for it, I know he has some money now. And after all, he wouldn't let me work after, except for call centres. But I never had the super special thing with me in Montreal, it was left here in Saskatoon. I would never take my most precious possession out of my mom's house without knowing it was safe.

Anyway Montreal, I bid you adieu. And Toronto, thanks for calling me, York, and I did want to get three letters of recommendation in but I couldn't find any in time for the deadline. Mom didn't want me to leave home again anyway. I'll move out of her house, but not yet, I have to find a place that take service animals. Because they are well trained now. And I trained a master healer, at Cindy And Megan's wedding. Her name is Deanna, and she's my favorite cousin. She's leaving university to come up here and find her path. And so I think she's more important right now than formal education, because I like watching her grow up and I don't want her to be in danger.

So I'll stay in Saskatoon. I like it here, the river, the beaches, the art community especially. And hopefully now people remember what a cosmopolitan town Saskatoon is. Which is why I always laughed when critics of my work said I came from a rural place. No way man, I'm a city girl. Or boy. Or whatever.

Thanks for reading. I hope it illuminated some things for you, especially about how powerful true love is. And Cindy and Megan have it.

Ding Dong

Trogdor strikes again! And no one is dead okay. Schrodinger has been running all over.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


This formula was discovered by Albert Einstein. Energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light. If you have two lightworkers hurling mass around, you get energy. This is different than nuclear technogy, which just does stupid shit. Energy, in this case, refers to God. And white light can never be converted into dark matter. 2 lightworkers on the same mission can still save the world, even when they disagree. Maybe especially when they disagree.

When I saw the lights in the sky they were disagreeing, they were fighting. And they displayed a particular pattern as they tangled, and it looked messed up!! And I deliberately didn't stay to watch the end, because I knew I couldn't. But in the end they were One again. In the end they were whole, even after all that conflict. And they chose specific dates to describe it. And they both guessed the end correctly.

Songs for tonight:
Shortbus Soundtrack.


Is asleep in the living room.

Totally fine

I really did get married last night but I did it so no one noticed. She said yes by the way. I think. She's being weird. But she's okay, I have all of the things she sent into the world. They are all safe, and so is she. I love her. She's the most powerful woman I know.

Questions? Ask Lynn Hill

I lost Lynn Hill's phone number, but she can be reached at lynn@amphitere.net. She can also be found at Bad Manors in Strathcona and at the Union Market in Strathcona. She serves the best coffee in Vancouver. Please get in touch with Lynn Hill for any further questions.


Amphitere is a private tutoring company located in Saskatoon Saskatchewan. It's instructors are available for lessons after Labour Day 2007. Hourly rates are $100, non-negotiable. Application fee for private lessons is $200. Prospective students will be interviewed via telephone after providing required application package. Instructors set own hours, choose own students, will travel only when they desire. A collectivist learning environment.

For more information please contact sarain@amphitere.net while answering this skill testing question:

Define E=MC2 (that's squared to you!)

IT people are the Priests of Our Generation

Sarain: Busy fixing birdhouse, will report later.
Thirza: Gone.

Will respond to name Thirza with irritation but no meaningful statements.

Finished scavenger hunt successfully.

Class of 2007 Status Report: 144 000 understand true meaning of love.
Others went to desert and stuck cigarettes up their nose while following class bully. Last seen in company of fire breathing dragons. Wedding Party successfully defended from all negativity. Speaking in code, indecipherable. Remembering things. Last interesting concept was Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now." Made me remember this song:

Will report back at sundown. Have a happy Easter Sunday. I love you R.

Private tutoring available after Labour Day, $100 per hour, rates non-negotiable. Works only with professional actors, please send 10 minute demo reel and 10 page description of areas which need improvement. Will post address at future date. Interviews via telephone. $200 application fee.

Spiritual Guidance at Church of the Exiles, starting April 15, 2007, Albert Community Centre @ 8pm. For more info please see:

Church of the Exiles

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Operation Same Sex Wedding

Cindy and Megan had an excellent wedding, everyone had fun, they are fine. Went off without a hitch except for the two ladies who got hitched. I do hope The Unknown Country cares to show up, because I look hot!

Here's another hit from the 80's, Scandal's The Warrior.

The Best Mandalas For Today

The Beatles - Within You Without You

Beatles - Lucy In The Sky - Clip from Yellow Submarine

Fun is Number One!

Well, that's that for the hardcore stuff. Here were three of my formative media experiences, among many others.


Well clearly I am not dead. Although I am tired of watching my legs decay while I try and get you guys the fuck out of here, in a spiritual sense of course. You're not supposed to go turn the world into one big lunatic asylum, but I mean, this is a collaborative process. Not anymore though. People I love who love me are pretty much all fine, they're healing now, and it's been hard on them but I know they are there. And people who missed the boat, well, this boat sticks around until June 6, 2012. But honestly, psychopaths can be spotted by anyone at about a hundred paces now. And there is no cure for psychopathy, it's the one untreatable condition. And again, it means having no empathy. I think by now you can guess I do have extreme empathy, but I've shut out the world and gone back to the core group of people I started this all with. And they are doing pretty well, actually. We use pieces of Jadeite to serve as communication devices, which is why Mayans loved Jadeite. Anyway, that's how it works. There is something more intense than the internet, although the internet is a good simulation of the process, pretty good. But not good enough. And I am going to a wedding tonight and maybe if they are lucky I will sing a Boy Named Sue. Maybe. I'm thinking about it.


You guys are intense, how the hell do you do this stuff?

She Blinded Me With Science

Thomas Dolby does a hit from the 80's.

Friday, April 06, 2007


This is a memory of the events leading up to my incarceration.

I had actually been doing my shamanic two spirited episode for a while when my mom kicked me out of the house early at Christmas, she didn't want me in her house. And that was scary because suddenly I was on a plane. When I got to Montreal I was pissed off because it was New Years, I had nothing to do, and I was trying to wake myself up most urgently because the Iraq War was beginning. And I knew I was doing the surveillance thing so I tried to call friends to tell them what was going on. And they started freaking out, but really I just wanted them to pay very close attention so that they would know what a two spirited shamanic episode looked like, because I knew a bunch were about to start and I had to show that it was safe and natural.

The police showed up twice, and each time I showed them stuff about me that proved I was who I said I was. They got it! They were really happy and actually felt better about the world. And then James Diamond showed up. He was my roommate's boyfriend.

He seemed to be into it, he could do the episode with me, he was following me. But after I got to Germany he quit, because it was intense but I had just gotten my divided star of david mandala. And I drew it over and over and then he got annoyed because he had figured out he was female and wanted to quit, because that's where he ends up. I dunno, I guess I figured he would know there was a second half to it, because I had discovered so much about women's lives, and then I was switching into discovering things about mens lives. And that's where I was aiming, because I always wanted to understand women before becoming a man. Anyway, he aborted it. He recorded one of my monologues and gave it to some people in Montreal and told them that I was going to kill myself and they had to take me to the hospital. And they believed him, a lot of people did. A lot of people understood my shamanic episode through James Diamond, which is fucked because of various things. Anyway, some friends came over and immediately told me I was going to the hospital. I tried to explain shit to them, but they freaked me the fuck out and so it got hardcore intense, because I knew I was going to be crucified.

In high school, one of our Gifted friends actually did crucify himself in the gym, I mean, not with nails or anything, he just had some friends tie him to the wall. And I remember him telling me "When you get crucified you die by asphixiation." Because that is what happens up there on the cross and that is what happened to him before his friends took him down. I mean, it was that kind of a high school.

Anyway, my friends called the cops after I told them no in several different ways. But they didn't care about my No. I didn't get a safeword, I got tortured. And through my whole experience, they kept telling me I put myself in there.

I remember when they finally did get the cops to come, I have no idea what they told them, but these cops barged in and threw me to the ground and put me in handcuffs and started shouting at me, screaming really, and telling me to get up and I couldn't because I was in handcuffs. I was naked, like Louis Riel when he got taken. Anyway, my friends were horrified, but they kept telling me I deserved it. Friends, right. I remember in the ambulance on the way to the hospital I looked into the eyes of my police escort, and it was one of the guys I had convinced earlier. And he started to bawl. I have never seen a cop cry before, but he cried all the way to the hospital.

I was in restraints, handcuffs, and serious neuroleptics for the entire first night. I have no idea what happened to me in that time.

When I was released the first time, I tried to start it up again, because I had to, I needed to wake up and now I had no safe spot because James and Ariel stared at me in disgust the entire time. I had never felt so judged. And they would talk about me with everyone in my life, because suddenly they were the experts on me even though I only knew them seriously for about four months.

Anyway, I knew they were going to send me back to the ward, and it pissed me off. I called the cops myself the second time, because they were violent and James started shoving me around and threatening me. Seriously, the second time I just wanted to get away from them mostly, and I had been trying to evict them and they wouldn't leave. The apartment was under my name, but during the time I was in, the second time, they decided it would be better if I was homeless. So suddenly I had to do a whole bunch of stuff to try and get them the hell out of my apartment. I don't think anyone understood why I was doing that, although I do know that most of the people James had talked to got super creeped out by him and his behaviour.

So I did kick them out, but they were planning to do it first. James stole a bunch of my stuff, including my cd walkman and an album I had been listening to, to find my route. I was listening to Scarlet's Walk actually, and it was keeping me grounded. But they kept taking it away from me. In fact, anything I tried to meditate on they would take away from me.

Maybe people thought that they knew what they were doing because they were Aboriginals, I don't know.

Anyway, in the ward when I was in four point restraints, I started screaming. And it pissed people off because they wanted me to be quiet. But I couldn't, because when I sleep on my back I asphyxiate. So I had to scream, but the more I screamed the less likely it was for them to let me out. And I was going to die if I didn't scream, I mean, it was awful. I was having trouble breathing. And I kept remembering the thing about white light, look at the white light. And the only light I had was the lightbulb on the ceiling. For the rest of my hospital stay I looked at lights, any lights, sunlight, ceiling lights, the huge Hydro Quebec sign staring me in the face through my ward room.

So yes, I was crucified, in the end. And when I showed my friends my bruises, and I had huge bruises, I asked them to bring in a camera so that we could document it. They refused. I asked for money for a legal aid lawyer. They refused. I didn't actually have any support, because what I was doing was always being mediated through either the psych ward staff, James Diamond, or Ariel. And none of those people were profoundly gifted, for sure. Very few people are.

Which is why I am glad to be back in Saskatoon, because there was that class at Bowman that was filled with profoundly gifted people. And the staff at Bowman has always kept track of us, waiting to see when we would be famous. That's the thing you have to understand, our high school knew our grade would be famous.

I dunno man, maybe we do need this site for Gifted Transpeople. And there are alot.

I sometimes think a lot of people transitioned because they thought the other gender would be easier, better, something. As a man, now, who was a woman for a long time, I can honestly tell you neither gender is better or worse. They each have their problems. And going through a two spirited shamanic episode is necessary to really know, because you have to be so fucking sure you can take that step with total awareness. And it is hard for transpeople before they transition, because it does involve some serious positive disintegration. And because it does involve some serious spiritual understandings, which not everyone can manage.

And yeah, two spirited people are showing up in the gender they end up preferring. But I notice they still understand both genders before being able to fully embody who they are.

I'm worried about various friends of mine who are on their journeys, because it does look intense. But honestly, there is a light at the end of it. At the end of it you do find your own moral code and your own identity. Because to get there, you have to ask a lot of questions. And you have to ask the right questions. And you have to have access to information to get those answers. And you have to be able to understand the information, which is maybe the most difficult, because some of it is way out there and intense and hardcore scientific, actually!

I had a breakthrough with my best friend when I told her what happened to me in the ward. I mean, it was a hard thing, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it was always the block that stopped me from going further. And actually, after I told her about it, everything started getting better. Because she actually wanted to listen to the story, and no one had wanted to hear it before. And really, all I wanted to do was tell the story to get it out. What do you do with a story no one wants to hear? Which is why I started this blog. And I started it very brainwashed by psychiatry. And now I'm out of that, and it's scary! I am remembering who I am, and who I am is really beautiful. But so many people believed the ugly story, that sometimes it seems few people want to see the real beautiful me.

But some do.

Kate Bornstein 1998

This is the autograph I got from the lovely Kate Bornstein in 1998 during hir tour for the Gender Workbook.


It's late, I've had a very very very long day. I am currently overhauling an old G4 for Luke, he's moving on his own and is going to make music on his computer. So that's what's up. I could really just go to bed, because the installation of Tiger is going to take a couple hours anyway. Tomorrow I install his music programs and then he has a new computer, lucky boy. He's doing really well, he feels loved and that's a good thing. Steven is still Steven. I will probably be Luke's tech support, which is fun. I'm hoping to get him a soundcard, and if he gets a guitar then hopefully I can show him how to record it straight onto his computer.

Some of my "friends" still cling to me being crazy. I'm not sure why that is, it's kind of sick. But I don't care, I think they're just being transphobic, and that does suck. But honestly, most of the people I really care about understand and love me, and that is all that matters. And my cousins are starting to do better, all of them, although I can REALLY feel the age difference now. At one point when I had my breakthrough I was writing to my best friend/cutie and I was talking like a fifteen year old boy to her. It was funny, I was hanging out of a tree upside down talking to her. But she's not letting me go back to being a teenager, which is good, because those days are so over. Either way, I should get some sleep because tomorrow is a busy day.

I'm still surprised at how many people call me just to talk about themselves. I have issues too ya know! Jokes.

Oh yay, Deanna is coming over, now I won't be alone.

Cindy and Megan

So yes, it is Cindy and Megan's wedding tomorrow. They have ten cakes! Mom just went to the rehearsal. They're both femmes, so it will be so frou frou! I'm excited. Megan is American actually, she's becoming a Canadian now because of various things, like same sex marriage. And just that she loves Cindy. We went camping in the States with them last year, it was so fun. Except I was having psych med issues, so I was fucked up. But it was really fun. We went to Arches and the Canyonlands, and we went to look at pictographs on this one road. Megan found the motherlode behind a bush, and those were some amazing artworks. There was a bison, actually, which means there was some kind of cultural expansion between nations. There was a thunderbird too, which is another Plains symbol. The name Anasazi is derogatory by the way, the proper term is Ancestral Puebloans, which I was always gleefully pointing out anytime someone said Anasazi. We went to Mesa Verde, which had just survived a major fire, and that was really fun. There were bunnies everywhere! And I took mom to Cliff Palace, which is the largest ruin, it was hard though because it's grueling both getting down and coming up. Our tour guide was a Hopi woman, and she had some really great things to say about the culture and what she knew about kivas and how the agriculture worked on top of the Mesa. And she was asked over and over why they were gone. Her answer was basically that they moved, they didn't feel like living there anymore. She told us about some of the places way in the back of the Cliff Palace where only the rangers get to go, they used to store corn back there. And they had bad teeth because they ground their corn with rocks and rock particles would mix in and wear down their teeth. We also looked at the highways, which are just hand and toe holds carved into cliff faces. On the way back up from Cliff Palace we got so tired, going up three steep ladders and mom is afraid of heights so I had to keep telling her not to look down.

Mesa Verde is at such a high altitude that you can actually get sick from it, because it's hard to adjust to it. And Cindy got altitude sickness, poor girl. Later when we were at Devils Tower, in the middle of Sturgis, we saw a sign saying that they had the Plague in certain gophers, because we went to see the gopher civilization. And Cindy was so funny, she was just like "Oh, now I have the Plague!"

After Devils Tower we stayed in some crap campsite and I got into trouble for smoking a clove cigarette inside, even though other people were smoking gross cigarettes. Anyway, I was annoyed with the service there. Mom asked for cutlery and the waitress didn't know what she meant. Mum was like "You know, knife, fork." She never got her cutlery. I thought that was rude so I made Devils Tower out of my mashed potatoes and then we went back to Canada. And we love Canada, but it was nice to finally see all of those American sites. And Cindy and Megan made us go to Walldrug, which was funny because again we were travelling during Sturgis, so there were bikes EVERYWHERE. And we started forming opinions about Sturgis, because some bikers were hardcore and drove all the way there on their bikes, while others had full on RV's with some bikes on a trailer. You can guess which people impressed us.

Anyway, I finally got the appropriate wedding present for Cindy and Megan, I think they will like it. And I'm glad they are finally getting married, because they have been together for so long.

We bought some Anasazi beans, the same kind they grew. It's called Anasazi beans, but I always prefer calling them Ancestral Puebloan beans.


This has been the most intense day of my life, EVER! My Aunt Beth took me to Good Friday services with the Lutheran Church, and it was really beautiful. They sang the entire Passion service, and that was intense. I almost started crying at the end actually. And my Aunt, who is graduating and starting her clergy work this year, brought me up with her to bow before the cross. And it was intense, because here were two psychiatric survivors standing in front of the cross. And it wasn't a fancy cross, it was very humble, made from two pieces of worm eaten wood. I was thinking about the Passion, but I was also thinking about that horrifying moment when I was in four point restraints screaming and no one cared. I was looking at this sad cross and thinking about what it really meant. And thinking about my body laying in a psych ward so afraid and so alone. And then Aunt Beth touched one arm of the cross, and I just automatically touched the top, because that's where my head was in four point restraints and that's where I was being tortured. And I think she was also thinking about her own time in psych care. It was really moving.

I got paid, so afterwards we went tuxedo shopping, at Value Village! And I got this great swish tux with tails, and it is cut just perfect for my body. So that was good, because now I can finally wear my top hat. And I went to a mens clothing store on my own to get the rest of my outfit, which was an interesting experience. I haven't ever gone into male territory like that before, I only ever bought mens clothes from vintage stores. And it was weird at first, because some teenage boy came in to look at grad clothes with his girlfriend and this one salesman spent so much time talking to him about EVERYTHING, I was so snubbed. And that was bizarre, but I was kind of expecting it. What I didn't expect was when I paid for all my stuff and the other salesman rang it through, and he totally started razzing me about getting married, and he knew I was buying it for myself, not for a boyfriend or anything. And I was so shy, because he was really friendly about this total transman getting formal mens wear. And he was Middle Eastern, by the way. And the teenage boy didn't buy anything.

I look really good in it. I am such a dandy! I'm a sloppy girl, but as a boy I just go into dandy mode. And the shirt I got was pink, by the way, because originally pink was a mens color. Hallmark changed it at some point in history, I forget why. Anyway, I'm cleaning myself up, I actually care about how I look, and that is so different.

My mom has finally accepted that I am going to be a man now. She was really scared about it, obviously, because it means I could get hurt. She said she would knit me a codpiece that says "Don't be mean to my son." Aw. She still uses the Thirza name, but it's okay because she's adjusting. I am impressed with anyone who calls me Sarain though, because it means they actually care about my identity and knowing who I am. Mom actually had a dream a while back that I was a man, so she knew it was coming. And I did give her Gender Outlaw to read when I was in high school, so she does know what it's about. And when I talked to her best friend Norlane about it, who has known both Sarain when he was alive and baby me, we actually talked about David Harrison's play which we had both independently seen when it was here at the Fringe, and so we talked about what it means to be a transman. I believe he actually comes from Saskatoon, because I remember everyone was kind of amazed that he would come back here and perform it for us. The Saskatoon Fringe festival is actually reputed as one of the best Fringe festivals in the world, we used to get a number of highly talented international companies coming here and I used to volunteer and see like, seven plays or more.

Norlane was the one who contacted Sarain's mother in Italy when he died, and she didn't know Italian, so it was an awkward conversation. I don't know how she found his mother actually, but she started crying and I think she knew he was going to do what he did. Or I was going to do what I did. Sarain has a sister in Venice somewhere. When Edward did his Venice show, he played a song for Sarain every morning at seven o'clock on the Venice radio. I think that is my favorite part about his piece for the Biennale. I would actually like to get a copy of the song he played.

And I have Schrodinger, which is also excellent, because Jesse Duval Loewy was the one who raised Schrodinger. And Jesse committed suicide this year. I like to think that I can at least take care of the one boy cat from Jesse and Linda's litter. And Schrodinger is a gorgeous tomcat, although he ran away with my digital camera yesterday. Schrodinger's sisters are with Leif, he named them George and Alex.

Transition update

I was talking to a friend of the family who practically raised me actually, and she works at the Community Clinic here in Saskatoon. We talked about me seeing a therapist there again, I have the appointment next week. And I have to make an appointment with my regular doctor, who is like, the best doctor I've ever had. She's like Saffy if Saffy went to med school. So she's pretty cool and she likes doing research on new things, I mean, she always augments her education, which not a lot of doctors do. So I guess I will meet with her and talk about profoundly gifted people AND transmen, and I'm sure it's not all new territory for her, I mean, obviously she's gifted for starters. Plus they actually do keep medical records confidential, which is a far cry from the Quebec health system, and that's good. Quebec releases personal files to employers. So that's not safe at all! I think Saskatoon might actually be the best place to do this. And my friend Laurel has filled me in on Saulteaux prophecy, which says we should return to our homelands for seven years. And I think, well, I'm part Saulteaux and Laurel is the expert on that culture, and we've known each other since we were two, so I'm fine with keeping to that. And even though I'm from a bunch of different places originally, this is where I grew up. So yeah, back in the homeland!


Peg Campbell, my favorite prof at Emily Carr in the Film department, sent me her blessings on my transition. You have no idea how happy that makes me. She's great, man, one of the few professors with tenure who still cares about all her students.

Good Friday

This should be a Good Friday again. I have been thinking about colonization and treaty rights and land entitlements and so on . . . and I realize we actually did sign one completely unbreakable treaty. It doesn't seem like it now because of the current Quebec government, but honestly, I believe the best treaty the people of the Americas signed was with France. They had a different approach to schooling aboriginal children in the beginning, and it never worked because they couldn't figure out our kids. But they did try to form some alliances, and maybe the best alliance ever created the Metis people of Manitoba. And even though that was just French/Cree in the beginning, the concept has expanded now to include all kinds of mixed race people with aboriginal blood in them. And there are a lot of us, like A TON.

England has broken treaties with us over and over, to a ridiculous degree. I won't even speak of Spain. But France, now that is an interesting treaty. Because they are artistic, they have some liberating politics, they are sexy and open minded and they actually brought native people to Paris to study. It never worked out well though. BUT, if we could negotiate our real treaty with France, and I mean all of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, then maybe we could get somewhere. The French actually are really fun nice people, I love the French. I hate racists and there are a lot in Quebec, but that is very different from hating the French. And besides that I have French blood in me too, so there, neener neener. Just kidding, I mean the neener neener part. But really, maybe we should ponder today on working out a servicable treaty with France. They did give the United States the Statue of Liberty, and she has style man! And the American government isn't taking care of it well, which is a travesty against all artworks ever made.

Plus I always wanted to have a honeymoon in Paris, where I could eat more than just baguettes.


Aden Bowman's most famous Alumni.
last year or so I dreamed I was pregnant and asking my boyfriend Mark to use my big belly as a tambour - the stretched skin of my big belly being like the skin covering a drum I suppose - to boum-boum it to help break my waters. But he boum-boumed it so well that a violent thunderstorm burst within my bédaine and a raging flood pored out from between my legs... Only water and rage and storm, but no baby... The next day, I woke up feverish, but feeling an urge to be thankful for the present moment and for the the light that emanates from my boyfriend's eyes when he looks at me in the morning... it is too personal to put on my own blog, so I put it here, my little poem collage... Even if you don't speak french, you can read the words out loud for la cadence.



That's probably a really bad spelling of a commonly used Cree word. It may surprise people, after watching most of this blog be in English, that in fact I do appreciate the multilingual quality of Canadian culture. And I did take French through school. I started out in French Immersion actually, the only reason I switched to Anglo schooling was because I moved to Montana for a year. Either way, when my brain is operating at full capacity I can pretty much decipher French. I mean, I do it literally so it sounds funny, but I have some fluent French speaking friends here in town who can correct the mistranslations. And mistranslations always occur. So if people did want to write here in French, and there are a lot of free thinking Quebeckers I know, then that is totally welcome. I am so not into having this blog stay a monoculture. That's not the point.

The Cree language comes in 5 dialects and is the most widely spoken Aboriginal language in Canada, with 80 000 fluent speakers from Quebec to BC. Cree Speakers are well known for their diplomatic skills and ability to travel to various places while still retaining a sense of humour. The Cree language itself is a decolonized language which made concessions for change after the North West Rebellion, so that certain terms became contrary, including words for land and leader. Currently it is one of the most popular languages to be revived here in Canada, with both Native and Non Native speakers. Cree people were in charge of Canada's fur trade and provided valuable assistance to otherwise clueless refugees. The Bible is the most recent translated addition to the current written language, the most recent translation was into the Y dialect, otherwise known as Plains Cree. Some new terms were created specifically to describe parts of the New and Old testament.

Lakota is one of the rarest languages in Canada with only 25 fluent speakers and most other Lakota/Dakota/Nakota speakers living in the United States of America. Sioux is considered a derogatory term for this tribe. Dene is a Canadian aboriginal language, and also ironically is the same language as the Navajo people of the South Western United States. Dene people in Canada still remember their migratory history. Saulteaux is another language spoken on the Plains, which has been revived and kept alive, there are some fluent Saulteaux speakers here and in Manitoba.

Cree is not the right name for my tribe, we are actually called Nehiyaw. Cree is a French term for Christians. I also don't have my orthographics handy, so the accents are not in my Cree words right now, but there are long and short vowels all through Cree. Hopefully someone will point me in the right direction of using them online.

Awass Kisemohkoman!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Buddhist Primer

Buddhism was one of the core principles I worked with since I was nineteen or so. I was all independently doing it though, I didn't really want to study with others because I was all, hmm, quiet. Anyway, the best author of Buddhist texts for a North American audience was Lama Surya Das. He was a Jewish boy who went to Kathmandu to find himself and ended up studying at the feet of the greats. Then he came back over here to try and apply it to contemporary life. The meditations he outlines are fairly simple but effective. I started out with Awakening the Buddha Within, which was a good beginning book and had some really enlightening meditations, like the candle meditation. Later on I read Awakening To The Sacred: Creating a Personal Spiritual Life. And now I've just finished Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be: Lessons On Change, Loss, and Spiritual Transformation, which he wrote after Sept 11. I think anyone looking for their own spiritual path can find a lot of relevance in his books, even if you don't become Buddhist or you want to apply it to other faiths.


You guys need some hope. Here is one of my favorite songs while I was in first year at Emily Carr. It's Euphoria by Delerium.


Damn! I thought I could take a break, but here's some more info. I was talking to my friend Paul Lang who was literally an HIV poster boy. He's been doing phenomenal work for years on HIV education and prevention. He recently teamed up with the folks who did the viral marketing for the wildly successful The Corporation. They have some websites for HIV education aimed at youth. He will be writing some stuff here and hopefully we'll be linked up for that.

Hello Cool World

Condom Mania

Planet Ahead

I should also mention my lovely friend Robin Williamson, who has been working steadily with the bisexual community of Montreal to do HIV prevention work with Polyvalence. This is their site. Oh yes, and I should mention they don't actually use the bisexual word, because some people who have sex with both genders don't identify as such.



Oh, fuck, that's right. There is an open invitation to Cindy and Megan's wedding here, you can find the details on the LadyLady website, but here's the link to their wedding. It's the first same sex wedding I have ever gone to, and it might take my mind off of Easter. Some amazing people are in town for it, including Cheli. I still don't know what to wear, all I have is a top hat and no tux. But at least I am at a place now where I can go and not be really weird. It's a circus theme, and I guess I am supposed to dress as a freak, but I am one anyway, so I shall probably go as myself. Although myself wears some goofy clothes usually. If you want you can get them some awesome presents.


So I guess I can conclude this long dissertation, although I will always write here. By now you might have guessed that I really am the reincarnation of Sarain Stump. And Sarain Stump really was the reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl's reign ended when the cult of Tezcatlipoca took over. A young man would be chosen for a year to live as Tezcatlipoca, and he had all kinds of girlfriends and was treated like a prince for a year. And at the end of the year, he would go up the pyramid and have his heart ripped out. And the next year it was the same, with a new boy. And Quetzalcoatl went into exile, and said he would be back. And he was trans. I think I have always wondered why Tezcatlipoca would be a more popular god. So I did spend many lifetimes following cults, trying to crack the code, trying to get people out. And I always died as a political prisoner. ALWAYS. Actually, that's not true, the last time I needed to make amends to the Americas and clear my conscience and jump into a body that would be this age now, which is why I set my mom and dad up. I don't think they need to be together, I think they just both have some awesome genetics. I've never gotten this far before, but then, this is the first time I have had the internet.

I've actually been working for six months on contract to my uncle, Doug Cuthand, who is a producer. He's got some amazing scripts. I had to research HIV for him first, and then he sent me to the Merchant office to research residential schools. I couldn't touch the files anymore. I know exactly what is in them, but I honestly don't want those files near me again. Those are stories of some of the worst things that have happened to my people, those are stories of our Holocaust. And we are still in the Holocaust. I wanted to compare Nazi Germany, because that happened the same time the residential schools really got started. And our Holocaust was focused on our children, in the end. Uncle Doug has this amazing script he's been working on based on the story we heard through Louise Mandell, about her grandfather, who was a Holocaust survivor. His camp was liberated by a regiment of Canadian aboriginal men. And they were amazing with the camp survivors. They held them and let them cry for the first time and gave them watery soup because they knew that they couldn't have solid food yet. And that was when they felt free. And then some Americans came in for a photo op. He told her she should always work for Aboriginal people, and she has, she is one of the finest Native rights litigators in Canada, and it was lovely to apprentice in her office.

Anyway, I know he wants the research, and I know he's kind of disappointed that I just took off and freaked out, but I was planning it. I didn't expect to get so wrapped up in it, but I think I did crack the code and I think I did find a way for us to actually talk about it. I hope someone produces his script so that he does get something out of this, I didn't mean to derail his project. But the research is all here, everything, everything I know.

Anyway, I have to go get tested for cervical cancer now. Because I contracted HPV and Indian Affairs wouldn't pay for me to take Aldera. And Aldera is about six hundred bucks for a course of treatment, but they made me take some shoddy second rate one, and I don't think it worked. No one was willing to pay for me to take care of an STD, because if I got an STD I probably deserved it. But I know who gave it to me and it was a girl. I have to put my time sheet in anyway, because I haven't been paid for my last two weeks of work yet and I need to buy supplements for my brain and honestly, no one is lending me money anymore. And I have no job after this. So hopefully I can get paid and I can work this out with my uncle. He's a legendary guy actually, he spent time in Haight Ashbury when it was all going on. There's a rumour he helped draft dodgers. I've heard another story about him meeting the King of the Roma in a parking lot in Paris. He told me all about the sex workers using Smart Cars at Cannes. And he lost his son, my cousin Christopher, this year in an industrial accident. And we all miss Christopher so much. I didn't want anyone to mess him over while he's grieving. He's had no clue what I've been doing, I think he's kind of paranoid, poor guy. So I should go face up to that. Linda, who works in his office, was great fun to talk to. She's worked in the Industry for ages and ages and she's ridiculously good at what she does. And I hope he's okay with the direction I took his research, because it really is all here. I just don't think you need to hear about the shitty things they did to kids. That would be too hard on the remaining survivors. And other survivors, because it continued.

I dunno, I really hope I don't have cervical cancer, but I'm honestly not sure. And some weird unknown liquids were injected to me in the ward, I have no idea what they were. They didn't tell me. It was easy to believe I was a crazy person, because then somehow people feel safer. But I was never crazy. I was a political prisoner. And I doubt highly that I will get any recompense for it.

My whole file is in Montreal. I don't want to look at it, but I'm aware it might come out after all of this, to prove I was fucked up. I think Mohammed is alive and well, by the way, because I see it in Maher Arar. I hope he can have a life again, he deserves to be able to relate to his family. He's coming here this month, I was hoping to meet him. I dunno, I just want him to have some hope. Ten million dollars still won't give you back your life, especially since he can't even get on a plane anymore.

My last HIV, Hep, Syphillis, everything came out clear. I just have HPV. Which could still kill me unless I can get it out of my system and check my cervical cells on a routine basis. I guess it wasn't important for Indian Affairs to actually provide proper treatment, but they sure did go balls out to pay for all kinds of psych meds, some of which are ridiculously expensive. If other people want to write on here they can send me an email, and I'll add them, if they can tell me a good reason for them to add their voice to this Fit of Pique. And I'm out of pot, which I should get so I can keep healing, but again, people don't want to give me money until I can prove I deserve it and that I'm a hard worker. I think they mean making shoes. Directing is not an option for me right now with the way government funding works. And I missed a bunch of deadlines, because I had to sort this out. I was writing about the psych ward, but it's a long story that one.

I am curious about the ships here. I don't know, maybe they can help me. Maybe I can't get help on this planet the way it is. Maybe you do prefer Tezcatlipoca. I don't want to commit suicide, and I won't, so if you do find me dead I didn't do it. I know we have to disarm all nukes in order to get out of quarantine, but I'm not sure that people are ready to let go of the ballistic missiles they've been cuddling while falling asleep.

And really, truly, I mostly just want to be a director again. And I want to live forever. Somehow I do believe that forever is possible.

So I'll end my formal presentation with one of my favorite songs in high school by The Cranberries, Salvation. And they come from another one of my homelands that knows colonialism inside and out. I'll still talk on here, but I do hope that the floor opens up now, because I know they are waiting in the wings. And I hope it makes sense now. Have a good Easter, and I will write again after the holidays are over. But feel free to write during that time. I have friends here who are checking up on me and they are really good. And now I should go fill in my time sheet.

The Unknown Country

I've been checking my site meter and notice that The Unknown Country keeps popping up. At first I thought it was government, but they are all Mac users. I think I know where the Unknown Country is.


I keep hearing people say "Next there will be a pandemic." It's here, in case you haven't noticed.

It's not really a coincidence that AIDS emerged just after the Queer movement really started. Excuse me, Gay liberation, because that's what they called it. The two epicentres of the pandemic were San Francisco and New York. There were also two experimental vaccines being given to gay men in both of those cities. For the old school boys, they still remember getting those vaccines and it still freaks them out. Obviously not every vaccine had HIV, because that would be too obvious. But I think whatever the concept was, they didn't realize that pansexual identity was alive and well, and that it was never going to stay in that one community. Currently 70% of seroconversions world wide are through heterosexual intercourse. In Mumbai almost 600 people contract HIV every night.

You might be surprised to know that the best HIV prevention education I got was from sex workers, gay men, and recovering junkies. They were amazing to talk to! I remember dating a sex worker once and I started asking her how she stayed safe, I mean, because it is a risky job, clearly, and for all kinds of reasons. She told me some neat things. She talked about being careful with lipstick, because sometimes it eats away latex. She talked about how you never put your seatbelt on and if it gets dodgy you open the door while they are driving, because no matter what they were going to do to you, they don't want to fuck up their car. She was intense! I don't think she knew why I was asking, I wasn't going to be a sex worker unless I had to do survival sex, but I always knew that it was possible I would need to do survival sex work because of my identity. But mostly I just wanted to know that she was as safe as she could be, because I loved her and we really didn't know how to be ourselves in this kind of a world. We broke up over triggers, I was still pretty clueless about them.

And then some of the most politically aware people I met were recovering junkies. My friend Brent used to talk to me about his life in the downtown eastside and all these socialist things he used to do in his life. He was an amazing political activist for a really long time, and he's an older guy, he must be fifty now. Anyway, I remember one day he said "They're sharing HIV positive needles on purpose now. It's the only way they can get on disability, and disability pays more than regular welfare." It was sad. I mean, we both knew the kinds of people who walked through that neighborhood, and most of them had hard luck lives. ANYONE can end up in the downtown eastside. And once you're there, holy fuck, it is hard as hell to escape. I gave him an Erika Lopez book to entertain himself with, I think he liked it.

I was talking to a friend once and was shocked to find out that she was as old as me and had only ever used condoms once. I think people have romanticized unsafe sex. I mean, you can do risky stuff but you have to be really really fucking careful and really clear about boundaries and wow, it's intense. And not many people can do monogamy. Some can, but relatively few. And sometimes I wonder if that's just because they're looking for better sex, more than that they are not in love. It's funny though, that in a time when we HAVE to really take this pandemic fucking seriously, so many of the most well trained HIV educators have been silenced because of their identities. And instead we have fucking True Love Waits campaigns, and girls are doing anal because they think it's safer than possible baby making sex. It's insanity! Most youth are total sodomites now, and they don't see it as sex, it's foreplay. I don't know how that happened. I mean, sodomy is ridiculously fun, and if boys don't know how vaginas work, and most don't, then maybe they should stick to that! But really, you need to think about safer sex for all kinds of things, not just penis in vagina sex. And it's true that condoms break, but fuck, that is better than none at all isn't it? I don't know, homophobia and transphobia really is going to kill the planet. And we've been distracted with some fucked up campaign against a country not many Americans really care about except they've been told to hate it.


I think Mikiki is going to start writing here, I hope so, because hir work is amazingly fun. Ze does an activity called the Drag Race, which has been in Saskatoon too. And ze has a makeup library. Here's Mikiki's drag race documentation.


I think the scariest contrary I have never met is Eminem. I know no one has been able to place him in art history yet, because he is a complex little character. Stef turned me on to Eminem, I was so avoiding his work because I knew it was all hate stuff. But I was still curious, because he was so intense! I don't think anyone has really clued in that he is pretty much in drag all the time. Detroit male drag! I didn't grow up in Detroit, but in Saskatoon that was the American news we watched. And Detroit is hardcore! They set stuff on FIRE at halloween! They're bizarre. So that was the male model he patterned his character after. And he has tried to make sure people know they are personas, because he uses different stage names. But he walked into the heart of darkness man, that's been intense to watch.

What is interesting about his work is that we assume he is talking from the position of the ugly straight man. And he's not! He's singing about gay male misogyny. And it's fucking intense! He brings out all the ugly thoughts gay men have about women and places it front and centre and somehow linked it back to heterosexual men, and that is scary! I think so many people have tried to pull him out of drag because he does make gay men look so awful! But it is a persona, because I've followed enough of his music and his personal life to know. And I think I know why he is doing it, because he's the father of a girl! Do you honestly think he wants that kind of life for his daughter? Fuck no, and it comes out in his music, he gets violent if a fan comes around him and his kid. He seriously flips out to defend her, it's so hardcore! I mean, he does love women, because he's raising one, and he's trying to figure out how to keep her from living in a world that worships Slim Shady. He's so genderqueer, I don't know how people don't pick it up. He even dresses like a girl sometimes, but his fan base still doesn't get it. I don't know how he's going to prove that lesbians are cool, but he's trying. He's so consumed by the corporations though, they don't know what performance art is. And of course now he has a rabid fan base of guys who want to suck his cock and don't know why. I'm so curious to see how he's going to come out of drag, because it's been bizarre to watch.

Milos Forman and Ken Keesey

Milos Forman is a brilliant director, because he knows how to cross cultures to talk about his life. It took me ages to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, because I knew it was going to be fucking intense. And Stef tried to make me watch it for the first time in French and I was like "Fuck off!" Anyway, we did watch it together, I got the deluxe DVD. And there's an amazing documentary on there about the making of the film. It was independent, that was not a Hollywood film, but he found backers who did come from Hollywood money, which was amazing. And he was actually making a film about his life in Eastern Europe. That was an Eastern European story. And he did it in an American style. His process for getting his actors into character was phenomenal, because he let them be crazy all the time. They actually lived on the ward and people stopped being able to tell if they were the patients or the actors. Some of them totally regressed, but they had a psychiatrist on staff who calmed them down and let them know that they were just playing like children, it was okay, they were going to be fine. And they were fine, because Milos set up the ultimate safe working experience. He made sure they were okay even though they went hardcore into their characters. And they didn't have to put it away at the end of the day, they got to stay in character ALL the time. And most of those actors were then unknown, but of course now you look at them and so many have gone on to do amazing work.

And he was a true collaborator. He let them go where they wanted, some of it was totally unscripted. And he did put in a code, which was amazing, and I use it too.

We think it's a film about Randall P. McMurphy, and it kind of is, but in the Ken Keesey book, it's actually written from the viewpoint of Chief. It's all about Chief watching this stuff happen to a white guy and seeing that race doesn't matter, anyone can get seriously fucked over. Ken Keesey was a genius too. He wrote Cuckoo's Nest after spending some time working as an orderly in a psych ward. And then of course he went on to drive around America in his Acid Kool-Aid van. He was a hippie! And to learn about power, he was an orderly, and obviously he didn't like what was happening there.

There's a great scene in Cuckoo's Nest where McMurphy gives Chief a stick of juicyfruit as they are on their way to the ECT room. And Chief finally says something, after all that time being super quiet. And he starts trying to help McMurphy without being noticed, because he needs the staff to keep thinking he's a dumb Indian. And they have these intense conversations about growing up as men and how you get worked on. But Chief was never going to say anything to McMurphy as long as McMurphy was racist. It was only when he finally realized McMurphy was curious about him that they really became friends.

I think maybe it is a good film to watch right now, if you do feel crazy. Because the end is amazing!

I actually did find a few people who helped me in the ward, it was hard though, because I was a closeted transman and they were gay men. And they spoke French, so we needed a translator. This was in the hardcore ward with the sex offender. Anyway, the translator I used was an HIV positive gay man. And he was awesome, it was hard on him though, because he had no clue what I was doing. And I remember when I went into the ward the staff kept saying "Don't touch him, he's . . . special." They wouldn't even let me hug him, they were so paranoid. And we weren't going to have sex, we just needed to be affectionate with each other. So we held hands when no one was looking. And he started falling in love because no one was touching him, he was a pariah, really, and that threw him because he thought I was a lesbian, everyone did. I remember one time I forget what I was doing and the gay male orderlies were like "You can't do that here, this is a straight ward!" And I said "What? No homosexuals allowed?" I knew what they meant but I didn't want them to get away with a translation slip. And they started giggling like little girls, they were like "No no no, we mean strict!" I don't think the man I was incarcerated with knew I was going to be okay, because by the end of psych care they do get rid of empathy. But I knew enough about HIV to know we couldn't do anything, I mean, they sure as hell don't pass out condoms in the ward. I hear that's changing now. And the guy I was with, he was having a hard time on his meds because they stopped him from being able to ejaculate. And it was torture on him, I mean, it was the only release he had and he could not get it even on his own.

And I remember I really fucked up people, because they didn't know why a girl wanted to be treated with respect. They were so confused on that front, because they assumed girls were passive and meek, and I was all "Fuck all y'all!" They called me a princess, and it really bothered them, because someone like me wasn't supposed to be so uppity. Not a GIRL! If I had been a bioman, it might have been slightly different, but I doubt it. They always find some way to fuck you up with gender there.

So maybe my point is just that you should buy some juicyfruit for friends.


My first contact with the Vancouver queer community was through co-op radio, on a show I worked on called Womenvisions. I was the control room dude. I remember one time they did a call in contest and the first caller was a man. And they were so shocked.

Stark Raven was just before Womenvisions, and it was the anarchist show. And that is how I met my friend Louise, because she was the control room dude for that show. She was great, she looked like a white Grace Jones. She ended up in a video of mine that aired on WTN and became some kind of butch sex symbol, it was cute. Anyway, we just started bonding on the control room thing and it evolved from there. She was fun to pal around with. I think hanging out with lesbians IS a good thing for trans guys, because they teach you about your body, and other girl bodies, and they don't seem to mind handing you over to gay male friends to learn about boys. And gay men are also really good at talking about their bodies.

I remember when one of our friends seroconverted and Louise and a bunch of other lesbians stepped up to the plate and took turns providing care. And once Louise was over there cleaning and she picked up this thing and put it on her wrist. And when she told the guy she had forgotten to take it off and was going to give it back, he was like "That's a cock ring!" And she was so cute, she was like, "Oh, well no wonder it's on my wrist because that's my cock." He let her keep it, she wore it for a long time. And it was so great because she was such a nice person in every other way, and yet she totally flaunted this fisting symbol. I don't think she ever knew how many girls chased her. She was the best butch barbie doll too, I'd go over and she would spend literally an hour trying to figure out which t-shirt and jeans to wear. She was butch but in so many ways she was such a girl! She convinced me to have a breast casting party with her, and all we did was feel up girls breasts, they loved it! Anne got her nipple ring caught though. And someone told me some intense BDSM fantasy while I was trying to cast her breasts and it made me all shy, it was funny. I think it was a bondage fantasy.

I remember her friend who seroconverted was telling me about it once, because he wanted to make a video. And he said "They always tell you that you are on a train to Pittsburgh. And you can slow the train down and you can take a few different routes but you will ALWAYS get to Pittsburgh." What the hell? Is that some kind of Vera Charles reference? Are we all talking in English accents while on a train to Pittsburgh? The way HIV education in this world is going, it would seem so. I am so hopping another train.

Men do get hand envy, by the way, the educated ones anyway. I remember one time Archer was looking at my hands and he said "I am so jealous. Your hands are the right size. You're so lucky!"

Native Youth Today

I've watched a disturbing trend show up in Native children. It's like, they're trying to compete with Europeans who have been taught a certain way forever, and it's made them into assholes!

I remember I did my first official teaching gig with Cease Wyss, and we were training some youth to make videos. And they were assholes! I know not all of them were like that, but as an entity they found the true meaning of Wanker. They did stupid shit like change the clocks on the walls so they could get out early. They ignored instruction and then got mad when they realized they didn't know something. We couldn't even get to the basic three light set up because they'd pitch a fit about watching us assemble and disassemble a red head, and then when it was their turn to do it they'd get all sullen and smart alexy. I had no idea how to find anything they liked to start them out with, because they hated everything! I mean, it was insane, they could bitch out the sun if they wanted to. And it became a crisis in the aboriginal art community at large, actually, because suddenly all these well respected artists were like "We don't want to teach youth anymore. They are assholes." It's true. And in fact the new thing is teaching elders to make videos, because honestly, the youth are way too arrogant to do anything with. And I'm talking people in their early twenties acting this way. And a lot of them were total phobes, so stupid! They coasted on assumption and it was never going to take them very far. I think afterwards some of them clued in, but fuck it was hard, because they took the lead of the major alcoholic in the group because he was a boy and he was big and he could open his mouth and make words come out.

Either way, I hate to say it but by and large the aboriginal community is abandoning it's youth, because they've turned into monsters! Not all of them, but some really assimilated ones, yeah! Which is why I hope Laurel starts writing because she's been teaching inner city kids and she's finding out how to get them to talk about things they like. And she's demanding. And she got a whole class to start saying veranda instead of porch, because they liked that word.

I didn't have a deck in high school, I had a linai.


Surprisingly few people know that Norval is also a two spirited artist. Leanne Martin and Morgan Wood curated some of his explicit works in Exposed, along with some of my stuff and lots of other people. It was an interesting step to take, because our community was finally trying to talk about the fact that we had sex. And that was something that was hard for us to talk about because of what happened in the residential schools. I mean, so awkward, really, and understandably so. And I dunno, I talk about sex all the time because I'm hoping that eventually people won't feel embarrassed by their sex lives. Because originally Aboriginal people were totally pansexual. And that's something that was supressed during colonization. Did I spell supress right? Fuck it, whatev man. But I've noticed that people are so embarrassed by their sex lives that sometimes they self destruct on that front, and have terrible unsafe sex! And HIV is on the rise in our communities, so we HAVE to start talking about sex. And not being aggressive with each other, but just talking about the fact that it's not a bad thing, it's just abuse that is bad. I dunno, it's hard for people to draw those distinctions. It was hard for me, I mean, if something bad happens often you just carry it around in your body until you can figure out how to let it go. And if you go stone, you don't ever let it go!!! No, but there is a thing about touch, and that is hard for survivors of serious shit. Even when I was working through the hospital, I did not want my mom to come anywhere near me. I was all on guard.

My mom gave me a print of Norval's for my apartment. It was "Bear as Keeper." I could only find a titchy jpg of it though.

Only in Dreams

This one of the songs James Luna has used in his performances. It was my favorite song in high school too. Weezer was cute.

First Year Emily Carr

People sometimes think going to art school is a cop out, like it's all fun and games. It is fun, but the workload is fucking intense, I mean, you really never ever stop working there. I still did school work in my dreams, it was so intense.

First Year was the weirdest though, by far, because in a way they had to weed out people who couldn't hack it. And they did it in this so bizarre way, because they basically turn First Year into high school. You have a seperate corridor for doing first year things and all your classes and you get to go into the auditorium for lectures. This is the Lictors returning to Brutus the Dead Bodies of his Sons. Yes, that was the one I remember the most. I had the title memorized just because it was so unwieldy. But it was an interesting concept, I mean, if you wanted to know if artists could hack art school, simulate a high school environment, but with total free thinking.

I think that is what pissed off a lot of people, because we were so ready to leave high school. None of us had felt we engaged in high school society to our full capabilities. So I kept hearing my friends say "This is high school! We're still in high school!" And it seemed to be the queer ones who had the most trouble with the concept, because we'd do something totally 'mo and all these people would give us weird looks like we were fucked up. I think the professors really defended the queer students though, as much as they could anyway, because they knew queer theory was just always in art, always. It's just there.

I remember it so well, because I was in a class Judy Radul was teaching on media and I did what I thought was a hilarious little composition. I had interviewed BDSM friends about the community we were in, and I mixed it to a four track. And I had some really funny clips. I had my roommate Christie, for one, and she had wild stories! I got her to tell me all about pansexual sex clubs in San Francisco, and it was so cool because she was very matter of fact about it. She even told me what a witches wheel was, and I still haven't seen one of those anywhere I've gone. And so I made my little report to the class and all these people gave me this freaked out look. And I was like "What? What? Why is that weird?" I think after class Judy said "You know, most of these people haven't had sex yet." Maybe a different prof told me that actually. And I was like "Whatever, I've only had sex three times, why is this so hard for people to talk about? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with sex, talk about it?"

I don't know. I did know, however, that boys were totally willing to spill their secrets to the girls. A gay friend of mine was like "Do you know all the boys draw in the bathroom is penises? That is all they draw! I don't think they know how to draw anything else."

The best elder was there for first year, Shirley Bear. I can't explain why she was the best, but she influenced EVERYONE who was there at the time. I remember one time later on in second term I walked into her office all glum. She asked "What's wrong?" "Oh. The other day I was napping and a thunderbird flew in and started flying around and around and it dropped a mouse on my back and the mouse ran in to the base of my spine and did something and then they both went away. I feel like I am being called to something. What do I do? Do I have to start being a medicine person?" And she gave the best answer, she said "You are nineteen years old, you have to go be silly for a while." And I was like "Hey man, awesome, now I can figure out who I am." I honestly think that is the best recommendation for early spiritual seekers, except for that cult thing, yes, that is the pitfall. But I think going to Emily Carr for four years did help me figure myself out. And I remember by the end of it when I was on antidepressants, people started telling me "You act SO drugged." I'm curious what it would have been like to do Emily Carr without pills, but they got rid of Shirley Bear just after first year ended, because she was freaking them out because she would smudge with students.

It hit all the students really hard. And we were trying to get her back for ages and the administration wouldn't budge. Worse than that, we knew even if we did convince them to rehire her, she was never coming back. It was such a difficult time. I think she went to bat for the Native students a hell of a lot more than most of them knew. Ah, they probably did know. But she knew where students had to go and she would fight with people if they didn't get it. Because Emily Carr seemed to think Aboriginal students needed studio classes badly, because they didn't know that all aboriginals grow up doing studio really, in their own ways. So I think it was the rare person who actually got to move into a specialized area of learning. She fought for me to get into the film department, she was tough. But I don't think Emily Carr was ready for an elder who knew that essentially all her students knew what they needed. Because we just naturally came in humble and saying we didn't know stuff, and that was an attitude that Europeans never understood, because they assumed it meant we really DIDN'T know stuff. But mostly "I don't know" is a really good mantra for learning, honestly, which is why you say it so much.

But the students did bond, the native students, because we had to, we still had to struggle with our race, in a friggin art school! And I remember watching other more brown native people being asked to talk about their culture in class. And I just thought, that is lazy. They're learning about their culture right now and you're trying to make them give answers instead of have good questions. I remember for one of our groups shows we all gave our treaty cards to Sondra Cross, who copied them and made a mobile. And this guy who's name I have flaked on said "Yeah man, it's called Statusfaction!" I thought that was so clever. I mean, we did inspire each other, which was the fun thing. Peter Morin went on to try to break the Guinness World Record for largest bannock. So you can kind of see where it all went. And the guys and girls did talk to each other, and they were fine with queers. They didn't care who you were as long as you knew how to make them think. And they were having fun! They didn't always want to make the hardcore stuff, they wanted to be silly and make each other laugh. We all knew our history to begin with, we didn't want to talk about all the bad things. We wanted to goof off. We knew the bad things were there!

I think James Luna was one of my inspirations for being ridiculous AND political. He came to Saskatoon once and we all got to hang out with him. We went to Buds on Broadway and went dancing. And I used to talk to him about music, because he knew some funky boy music that I had never heard of before. And he did this one great transformation performance to Weezer, I mean man, such a boy! He was great. And he knew how hard it was for light skinned Native people, which was something that made me feel better. In fact, in the art community I find that skin tone amongst Native artists doesn't really matter, they just want to know that you GET IT. And people can be clueless with any skin colour.

Apparently Norval Morriseau had a whole room full of dildos. I think Barry Ace told me that one.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Originally uploaded by fit of pique.
I don't think Deanna will mind me posting this. This is a photo taken on the night we burned my psych stuff and set off fireworks for Christopher's birthday. We are setting off fireworks here. I've never seen anyone in my family get orb photos before, but here it is.


I've been trying to avoid the news like the plague, but I did see that Iran let the British sailors go, which was a good move. I don't want to see anything escalate more than it has. Maybe this will start making people think less bad things about the Middle East, and about Britain. I mean, things really don't have to get fucked up violent at all.


My friend said this interesting thing yesterday about growing up. She said she didn't become a woman until she accepted her masculine side. And I think that's very appropriate for the times, because I do think men accepting their feminine side and women accepting their masculine side makes talking a lot easier. And I don't think having both sides going on limits someone from still inhabiting a particular gender they like or can work with, even if the gender seems to conform to their physical bodies.

Vain Boy

Vain Boy
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.
I am a vain boy! I realized I haven't taken a picture of myself recently, so I thought I would give you the boy shot. I fussed with this picture so much! It made me think a lot about gender presentation, actually, but fuck, I still look goofy. So this is me as an out boy. The clothes are old, I wore these clothes all the time anyway, even when I was still going by my old name.

Masculinity is a Drag

I'm pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it's a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it's still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don't question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that's just a quirk.

It's Easter soon. It's a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I've been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they're concerned and I don't want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don't feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don't like when cults attach themselves to one.

It's chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it's still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I'm going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It's so weird.

I've realized I'm having trouble talking to some women, just because it's awkward. I don't want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos' songs are awesome. She's into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she's part Native, of course. I don't know if it's only aboriginals waking up. I don't think so at all, not from the pulse I'm getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you'd prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that's a good spot to start. It's not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She's very healing, especially for survivors.

My hair wants cutting.

The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don't feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it's a good option, it's just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle's number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I'm curious where they are now. Mostly I'm getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.

I'm going to be 29 soon! That's insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.


There are some codes in this blog, which is why some of it looked all fucked up. I should explain at least ONE of them so you don't think I'm a total idiot.

King Kong will stop the rain.

Now, I don't actually believe that we are going to get a giant gorilla to stomp around. That's silly! That's an injoke from Data Lounge, which happens to be where a lot of closeted celebrities post anonymously. They stay pretty covert, but everyone knows they are there because sometimes they complain that they can't do anything politically because their Academy votes don't count for politics. Well, no, honestly, no of course Academy votes aren't going to change the world. BUT maybe if people stopped being chicken and actually stood up for their community, things would change. That's what I think anyway. But I don't know, maybe King Kong won't show up.


I've been pretty much packing since I decided to be Sarain again, or finally, or whatever. I have to say, it's really weird! People are starting to look at my crotch. I got totally cruised by some suburban guy the other day. Fuck guys are horny buggers! Ah, not all. But you can so tell now, oh my god! I've never gotten the eye contact, basket gaze, eye contact thing before. Holy crap you guys!

I walk different, which is weird, I walk more the way I used to walk, which is nice. But it's such a boy walk. I walk like I'm carrying heavy armaments, and really I'm just buying a carton of milk. It's weird! I'm trying to remember the girl side and not get caught up in privilege, but it is so different. I've never fit my gender presentation before, not like this. It's like living in a different world. I'm starting to try to dress more like a boy, I don't know how to explain that since I'm a funny guy. I don't have many girly clothes to begin with anyway, so it's not like I have to get a new wardrobe.

I'm learning how to make eye contact, which is interesting. I never did that before. I'm learning a lot of things about walking in the world as a guy. But I'm still trying to be a decent guy. Fuck, the privilege thing is weird. I know I have to be confident to pass, but it's hard when I know what it's like to live full time as a female and be treated so differently.

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really common during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?