Monday, February 15, 2010

No Pot STILL! But . . .

I did have some on Saturday night, when I was doing E with some folks. It was not too bad, I didn't get uber stoned on it. But it was a relapse technically. So I feel like I should mention it.
I drank beer this weekend, but didn't get pukey drunk. Just buzzed. I'm limiting substances to the weekend I think. But I do still want to not smoke pot. I haven't bought any and I COULD have, I got paid. But I didn't. It's a very difficult thing, to stop an addiction. I'm relieved I have a couple days since my last foray into pot smoking. It's been rough quitting before. I really want to be clean for a week, then I think it would get easier. Every day away from it is feeling better. I didn't even think about it today.
I've been working on getting a wider selection of friends, mostly from people I already know and have good conversations with but for whatever reason don't hang out with them aside from when we're in groups of folks. I have a really good community here and I need to be closer with some individuals who I have connected with. Sometimes I forget I have a lot of friends and neglect them. I feel bad about that. PLUS when I was smoking up all the time I just wanted to stay home and get stoned and not deal with anyone. It's good to like to be alone, but if you're being alone just to do drugs, it kinda sucks!!! So antisocial and messed up.
That all being said, artists need to spend time alone in order to be creative. And a lot of artists smoke pot. BUT my question is, would I be more productive if I didn't get stoned>> It's a curious question. So many people say it helps with creativity, but I find it doesn't help me at all, it just makes me kinda STUPID!
I did party pretty hard this weekend, but it didn't feel bad, I was with all kinds of friends and wasn't doing it home alone. Still I would like to not even smoke pot at parties. I guess. See, still that semi-waffling. I need to get over it and just accept that I have a longstanding (12 years!) issue with marijuana and shouldn't bother with it. People say one day at a time. I wish I could just say never, but recovery is a slow process. And it's one that requires a lot of inner reflection.
Here's a song for today, and if you are reading this on facebook, it's a Youtube video of Depeche Mode's Clean.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Day 7 of No Alcohol, day 1 of No Pot

Cigarettes are still okay, for now. Some people suggest you quit cigs AND pot at the same time, but I am not. I want to still have one little flimsy vice to cling to. In a month I might quit the cigs too. Okay well, so far so good, I haven't had a toke all day. Of course I was at my Psych Nurse appointment this morning and then work, so of course I didn't do any substances. But now is the tricky part cause it is usually when I get home that I have a joint. Eeee! But, no joint. And there is no way for me to get any anyway.
It's kind of an experiment, at least that is what I am telling myself. I want to know if I can have a better life if I don't use. YOU KNOW< A better life for someone who has bipolar. All the books and all the experts agree that substance use is bad for bipolar disorder, both because it fucks with your medications and your moods. And I've been noticing that pot smoking is making me sad. I always feel kinda useless and other nasty things when I'm stoned. Depressed for sure. I shouldn't say Always, because it wasn't always like this, but yes, depression seems to be the main thing I feel after I get high nowadays. And why would I even court depression in that way>> It's not rational to chase mood disruptions. And alcohol, well, when I got screened back in the summer for addictions, it said that I didn't have issues with alcohol. But it is a depressant and does fuck up meds, so for now I am avoiding it too.
I'm terrified I am going to lose all my friends because they will prefer doing substances than hanging out with me. I know that's not true, but it feels scary all the same. I tried several times to hang out with another friend without doing drugs or alcohol and we got into a big fight and now we're not friends. I hate that. BUT it's better to not be friends than to be friends with someone who wants to drag you down into the bowels, that really sucks.
I'm going to work on my video tonight. I am excited about this. I can stay up late because I don't have to be at work until 1:30 tomorrow!!! :D
The video is needing a couple fixes and some photos put in. I've already digitized all but ONE photo, now I need to find the proper places to put them on the timeline. And then once I have them placed and at the right length, I am going to try and work with wireframes to animate them a bit, make it really slick. The soundtrack has some sweetness, but it's pretty minimal, I might try and add some more juicy sounds and see if I can make it just a bit tastier. I'm kind of staggered by the amount of material I have amassed to make this video from. I'm especially stoked by the photos I have digitized care of Grandma and Grandpa.
I should really hop to it if I want to have a good editing session.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

The phone is still not here.

I still don't have a phone! Meh! I hate not having a phone! Mom explicitly said "Cigarettes or a phone" and I picked cigarettes because I have a long standing issue with nicotine. I also have an issue of needing to use the phone though.
I know I could get a wall phone, you know, with a cord, for cheap. BUT i have no dough. So I have to think of something else.
If anyone has a phone in the Saskatoon area I am looking for one!
I was hoping the woman in distress-phone thief would have put it in the mailbox. What the hell was going on>>>
Those little angled brackets are really question marks. I need a new keyboard and I know where I could get one. I hope it resolves the computer issues.
I am listening to some Metric I hadn't heard before. It's making me happy in a melancholy way.
I haven't had a beer since my one on Tuesday when we were eating before visiting Luke. It feels good to not drink. I've been observing someone I'm worried about and it's made me want to not drink. I don't know if I have a problem with drinking as much as my other weekend and evening substance abuse issues. But it seems like the easiest thing for me to give up for a while, so why not>>
I'm really taking my mental health more seriously now. I want to try to find my peak level of health, living a lot closer to the model for having stability. Like avoiding substances and getting to bed on time and having a routine.
Speaking of which, it is now very late and I should go to bed!

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Weird day

Some woman came to my house to use my phone but took it with her and never came back. And then the cops showed up, and this cop asked me what was going on so I told him about this woman going off with my phone. And anyway, he went to where she said she lived and it doesn't exist. So now I have to get a new phone. I unplugged it after she was gone for too long. So it's inactive. Still, I liked that phone. It was all a little creepy.
The phone thief!
It's kind of a boring story Mum says. Which is true, but it's still unsettling. My phone!
The cop asked me if she looked like she could be a drug addict. Well, ANYBODY could be a drug addict, so I said yes. Could be. I didn't ask her though. She looked like a regular person.
All that trouble just from answering the friggin doorbell!
I went over to Mum's house and fell asleep, listening to her and my Auntie discuss visits with Luke. Right now I am alternating between tasks, I just took a break from writing to load a gig of music onto my cousin's ipod. And then I also did facebooking and THAT was about it. And writing.
I feel like I've wasted my Saturday, I got thrown off by my phone theft. And then I was going to go ut but I ave no phone. So now I'm just going to watch South Park and then go to bed.

Thursday, February 04, 2010


She tried to change her name to Jackson once, but everyone liked calling her Velveeta so much it didn't work. Boy do I miss her, I call her all the time because I never know when I will actually get to talk to her. She's single boys and girls, so someone should really scoop her up now. Ha ha, we dated ages ago and it ended badly. BUT somehow we became friends after all that.
She hates facebook and says she will never join it. It's kinda too bad, except then it gives me an excuse to call her because she doesn't see all my news online. And there is always something NEW to report.
Jackson is also the name of this really old cat I remember who was scrawny and always got a claw stuck in the rug.
And Jackson is also a notorious family in show business.
I never ate Velveeta, I mean, not the cheese anyway.
She sends hilarious emails that are only three lines long, they are so minimalist.
I have her balls in an envelope waiting to be mailed. I always forget to do it when I have money and only remember when I don't have money. It's been three years at least of hanging onto these balls of hers.
I like all my exes, now that we're not dating anymore. I notice there is always the one month of no sex that foretells the end. That's always weird. Total blue clit!
I'm still hung up on one ex who rarely ever speaks to me, and then it's only by email. Not even facebook. Email. It's pretty sad, I miss her. But then you know I was thinking, all of my exes are pretty amazing, am I just hung up on this Particular x because she is local>>>
Things that make me hmm.
It's important to think locally when making romantic choices.
But considering my choice babe is not interested and hasn't seen me for three years despite living in the same city, I should really expand my horizons. I could always import a girlfriend. I'd just have to be REALLY cute! And as low maintenance as short hair!
Yay! I"M HAVING LUNCH WITH MUM! Running off after hitting post to get dressed and go out!