Saturday, January 31, 2009

the Buzz

Last night I went to my first of three yoga classes. We learned some basic poses, like Child's Pose and Pyramid and Downward Dog and Tree, which always makes me fall over. Timber! I did pretty well on my poses, had a little trouble with three of them, which is to be expected for a newbie.
Tonight I am going to go see Milk at the Roxy with some buddies. I'm excited, I haven't been to the movies in a month or so. I think we're also going to watch some of my videos. That will be interesting. I don't know if I have a copy of Untouchable though, I do but in 3/4" format.
I haven't had pot in a week or so, two weeks actually, to be honest. I kinda wanna get stoned now that it's the weekend, but no dineros for pot. I talked with my psych nurse about pot, she told me I'd have even more stability if I abstained from it. But I don't really want to give it up for good yet. I do like it, I just want to use it more responsibly. No more binging. I have two weeks before I'm letting myself buy again, for Valentines Day. Or the Fifteenth. Or whenever the weekend is really.
I'm considering seeing an addictions worker about it. I'd like to hear what they have to say anyway. At least it's not heroin. But it still does a number on your lungs.
That all being said, if my movie buddies tonight passed me a joint I sure would appreciate the buzz!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Video I love it

My life has been going well since I've started making healthy changes. I am going to a Yoga class tonight where it's for total beginners, to get you ready to do drop in classes. It goes for three weeks, which is perfect. It's pretty tricky stuff, yoga, I never realized how much it would push me until I did the free queer yoga class through the Avenue Community Centre.

I'm making progress on my video. Right now it's still a jumbled mess, but a shape is starting to take form. Which is good. It's such an ambitious project, and the next video is similar in scope, although totally fictional. I haven't got a structure worked out yet. Normally I would be sitting down writing out a flow for the tapes I make, and I haven't actually DONE that yet. Maybe because my narration is still untaped.

The funniest thing happened to me at work, I called my ex at HER workplace. I felt funny about it, we were both professional and just dealt with each other like any other call, I didn't dare try to strike up a conversation in case she slammed the phone down, which was probably for the best. But I did feel kind of sad that we didn't talk to each other like ex lovers do. Or whatever.

I was going to go for a ski today, but I think I will go tomorrow instead. I will now go edit more of my video. VIDEO!!!! i love it!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

More videoing

Is videoing even a word? I don't think we used it in film school. But I did do some shooting today of my mommy's interview. I hope that it will round out my video. I also have to shoot some footage of myself, but I want to know what I have to work with first.

I've been okay, I'm trying to better my life still. I only partied once this weekend, which was nice. Last night I just stayed home with the pets and goofed off. I have to clean again because my place is YET AGAIN a huge mess.

I'm excited for editing, I have tons of footage now and think I have just enough to make a good video. I may just use myself to do the voiceover, maybe a little bit of me talking.

I really want to get the whole damn thing done by March so that I can apply for a big grant again in April. I want to do a Mars recruitment video. But I really need a script to show the funders, there's a better chance of getting a grant if I do it. So I also have to work on that. Plus festivals are starting to ask about showing it, and I really do want to get it done for their deadlines.

I'm pretty impressed with the things Obama has done so far. Pretty exciting times for those americans. Even to be canadian is exciting, what with the coalition rumours.

I have most of tomorrow off except for 3 to 6 when I am working. It will be kind of nice, I hope to clean and edit. Clean and edit, clean and edit, clean and edit, that's my life. I wish there was a coffee shop I liked to sit in, so I could write down ideas. That's where I do my best writing, in a coffee shop. There are some in Sutherland, a short bus ride from where I live, and I'm sure once I get a weekend routine going BEYOND partying I could sit in there and write.

I guess at a certain point in everyone's life, they want more than cheap thrills and actually want to focus on career goals and other important life things. I'm smoking up WAY less and I have noticed a difference, I have more motivation for one thing, more energy, I don't just SIT around anymore. I actually got it together to videotape my mom today, which was good because I'd been avoiding it for a while.

It's funny that my career has nothing to do with how I ordinarily make a living, which is as a market research interviewer (since 2002!). But I have had BIG grants twice during that time, where I either worked on a video or wrote a screenplay.

It's funny, you know what really made me want to stop smoking so much pot was my creativity. It gets dulled from too much pot use and as a practicing artist I can't afford to keep flushing creativity down the loo. I think slowing down has been a positive influence in my life.

I've decided to do this First Step Yoga class with the City of Saskatoon, it's three beginner yoga classes that get you ready to do drop in yoga classes. I'll probably do my drop in yoga at the Y, but I'd like to know some of the basic positions before I step into that.

Things are going remarkably well in my life, as a result of all the changes I've been making. I still wish I kept a cleaner house though.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN'T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don't make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don't think about very much when I'm sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I'm trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren't named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it's still embarrassing. I'd like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It's been a year now that I've been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It's kind of amazing. I've NEVER been stable for this long. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I'm not sure. I've never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It's a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I'd known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven't even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I've since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you're In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I'm embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I've also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It's like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I've done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It's still there, even though I've been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it's mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I've never been on a drug that's given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It's so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one's friendships and relationships and so on, it's shameful. I wish it wasn't.

Monday, January 05, 2009


Day One of no pot. Well, I did scrape my pipe and smoked it. Didn't get high. So, day one of no pot. Well I cheated. I know I did. I almost bought a tenner of pot, which is pitiful and so small no one I know would actually sell it to me.

I have this friend who's always on an eternal quest to buy just a gram. Just ONE gram of pot! No one I know has sold to him. He's on his own!

I knew places in Vancouver where you could buy small amounts, but even then they wouldn't sell just ONE gram.

It's like selling some crumbs.

I shouldn't even talk about marijuana if I'm trying not to use, but it has been a constant friend, even longer than cigarettes. And besides, how do I know I want to quit?

Because it makes me jellybrained and sleepy.

The sleepy part is kind of nice, except for when you pig out on a bag of chips and then crash for four hours in the middle of the day. Ugh.

Lots of people I know can use pot sparingly, except for me. I don't know why I'm such a porker when it comes to the green, but I am. I sometimes only perk up about social occasions when I find out pot is involved somehow. IT MAKES ME FEEL PITIFUL AND ANGRY AT MYSELF`! Woah, sorry about the all caps. It does though, because I feel like I had all this potential when I was younger and what did I do with it? Became a stoned old blogger with no romance in my life smelling of smoke and looking for my next high. fuck!

I am also thinking I should switch to diet soda. I think all the calories in real soda are contributing to my weight gain. And I already have a hard time with weight since I've been taking pills.

Oh dear, bedtime. Off to work I go tomorrow~! No more pot for me! I can do it if I believe!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Without it

I've had a longstanding use of pot. Since I was 19 I have been using on and off. But now that all those years of use have passed I wonder if I could have done more with my life besides sitting around stoned for so long.

I'm not liking who it is making me either. I'm feeling desperate more often than not, and that's just no good. It's also costing me a lot of money, and it's not really worth it.

Plus I think it's killing my creativity. I can't do or think of good things while I'm sitting around looking like a burn out. I've been thinking abut this for a long time. I'd like to go back to a different way of life, one where I do things with myself like sit in a bubble bath with candles, instead of just inhaling burning plant materials to make myself feel better. It's a bummer for a lot of reasons.

It will totally change the dynamic with my friends, some of who are also chronic users. I do have clean friends though.

Maybe I should take a LONG break. Like a few months. Although if I like being clean, maybe I could stretch it out. I don't know if I can honestly say Never again, but I can always take it as it comes.

Who will I be without weed? I'm really curious. That's mostly why I want to do it, I want to find out who I will be without it.

A break? An epiphany?

One day I was walking with my mum in a spot where we used to roll joints when she ripped a plant out of the ground and said "Smell this and tell me what it is!" So I did and I said, "It's weed!" I dn't know how that little plant managed to grow that big without any of us noticing what it was. I used to live at another place that had real opium poppies growing in the backyard.

Accidentally growing drugs is funny. I don't grow drugs. I just grow little household plants, like this funky little tree I bought last year.

Anyway, I'm still recovering from New Years, I partied pretty hard and it's made me tired. I can't do that again for a while.

I'm waiting for some inspiration to hit. I'm really stuck again.

I've also realized I am ready to meet someone new. I think I am anyway.

I had a dream about a friend who had died. She was exactly the same as she was in real life! It was so vivid for a while I thought she had come back to life. Then I woke up. But I still felt happy.

these days I have been noticing I'm a bit down, but I think that's because I had lower back pain. I still kind of do. I don't know what it's from, so I think I should see my doctor about it.

I really need my creative juices to start flowing again. I've been watching the Simpsons and Corner Gas whenever I can, and then I'm just reading the news. Barely even writing, much less editing. I also need to shoot more.

I'm sad to report that my rhino video got pulled from Youtube. It still remains on my facebook. There are tons of other rhino sex videos on youtube, but male on male rhino fellatio gets deemed inappropriate. It was cute! Aw, oh well.

In other news, well, nothing. I found out I didn't get a grant, which sucks but is okay because I haven't worked on it enough. As an idea. I may apply for another screenwriting grant or research-creation grant. I have to get my video done first though, which is why I'm waiting for my creativity to come back.

Maybe it is the weed smoking. Maybe I should go on a really long break, until I get some work done on my project. That would be a good idea. And I should clean.

I think I'm gong to do a long break off of drugs and real quit tobacco. I haven't smoked tobacco all day, which is good. I'm still on the patch. I did smoke some pot, but after that I have n more left, and that's fine by me. Maybe I'll be more creative without weed in my life, more stable even. I'm going to experiment and find out. It will be my New Year's resolution to not let weeds fill the cracks in my life and learn who I am without it.

Hmm, so I guess we will see how it goes!

But I will still drink beer!