Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Christmas has come and gone!  It was alright at our house.  There is currently some drama going on in my family that I am not at liberty to discuss, but it's troubling me.  I need to get away from this house and hang out with some other folks.  I sort of care and I sort of don't care and it's bothersome.  It's insulting me, which is possibly the biggest thing that's pissing me off because it's about racism and there isn't anything I can do about it.  I hate racists. 

ANYWAY!  I have to get back to working on my grad application.  I have to do some more things.  Mom put money on her Visa today, so tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to fill out the online portion of the grad application.  The bulk of what I have worked on will get mailed late next week.  The deadline is coming up, January 16th!  Yikes!  I'm pretty excited though, and I feel like I am on track.

I was sober for my first Christmas!  I made it through the whole holiday without getting smashed or even having a sip.  Pretty awesome!  And you know, even though drinking was so ingrained in my Christmases previous, I didn't actually miss it this year.  I didn't even really think about it!

My next sober milestone is coming up quick, the first Sober New Years Eve!  I have to come up with a new way of celebrating the start of a new year.  I am gonna have a candy bathmelt bath with candles and incense, and get in pyjamas, and read my tarot cards, and drink something yummy without booze, and eat chips and dip or something.  It should be pretty nice.  I hope I have a good time.  I don't know who else will be there.  I might get sparkling apple cider for midnight too, that always feels fun!

Anyway, life really changed quite majorly for me this past year!  I quit drugging and drinking, I got a driver's license, I decided to go back to school, I made some money, I was poor, I applied for some jobs, and at the end of the year I got selected for an assessment which I passed for a job that pays a minimum of 26 dollars an hour!  I also went to Germany for five weeks, saw a red light district, lived within my means during the time I was there, got a grant, made a video, and submitted that video to a famous film festival in Germany that I have attended over a decade ago.  It's all looking up for me really.  Sure, I am still living with my Mom and people judge that, but I'm doing really really well for the first time in a long time.  I feel like I am prepared for some of these good things which could happen next year.  If I get into grad school, I should be making enough money with my RA/TA/GA and my band funding to be able to afford life in Toronto for two years or whatever.  So I am feeling pretty positive.  And the residences let you have pets, so Mister and Beatrix will be able to come with me. 

I'm also really happy that I am on the lowest amount of meds I have been on in a long time.  I'm happy to be stable without needing to be drugged to the gills.  And having a sex drive again is really nice, I missed it.  I feel like I will be stable during the next few crucial years of doing school.  Should I get in.

And if I don't get into school, hopefully I will have a job I am good at that pays well to keep me afloat for the next couple years until I can get into school.  It's all good!

I'm really tired.  Dramatic few days.  I need to get back to worrying about my life and my future.  And I need to work on this damned paper!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I've got to just sit down and DO IT! 

I wonder when X Corporation will get back to me about doing an interview, or do an interview on the phone or something.  Mum says next year.  That's six days away!  Seven actually, I doubt they will call on the first!

Anyway, I'm ready to snooze!  I called the Prime Minister's office about meeting with Chief Theresa Spence, a real person answers!  Then she sends you to the voicemail!  It was awesome!  I felt engaged with democrazy.  OMG!  That was totally a typo, but it really is what Canada has right now!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Trying to get out of a rut!

Idle No More is making me feel amazing!  I attended the flash mob round dance in Midtown Plaza last night, me and 2000+ other people!  Taking over a public space and making it our own was so moving, it gave me a great sense of pride in what our community can accomplish together!  And then today I went to the rally/round dance by the Bessborough.  That was exciting too, there were a lot of people, it didn't give me the same thrill as the flash mob, but it did feel good to stand there with people praying and talking and drumming.  I saw a lot of people I know, which made me happy. 

I've been on a high for a while now, since I found out about possibly getting a job at X Corporation and then also with this hype for Idle No More!  I feel like we can turn Canada around, like we can wrest control of our country away from the conservatives and make it our home again!  And I also feel like just maybe I can get out of my own personal poverty.

I've been really frustrated recently with feeling like I am in a rut.  Not having a stable job was really bumming me out, and being on social assistance, as nice as it is to have a safety net, is a little bit depressing.  I think that's only because there is stigma about people on social assistance, especially if you are a POC and ESPECIALLY if you are First Nations.  There is this idea that you are lazy and useless if you need government assistance.  And then people bitch about being taxpayers and how you're using their money and blah blah blah.  It really inflames some people. 

BUT even beyond the whole job/no job/social assistance thing, I also feel like I am in a rut just based on living with my mom and cousin who does disruptive things when he is drunk, and not having a girlfriend, and having not gotten a grant from Canada Council for the last three times I have applied.  I feel in a rut emotionally and with my film career.  I feel like I am really needing to grow out of this awkward phase I am in.  I don't want children, so that's not hanging over me.  Whew!  But being single is really getting to me.  I miss sex with someone else.  And if I get this job maybe I can move out of my dysfunctional home.  I really hate living with an alcoholic.  If he was working on himself that might be easier, but he is not, and at the same time he is acting like he quit drinking already.  He's all proud of himself, even though he keeps getting drunk these days.  It's bizarre.  Talk about living in denial.

Quitting my addictions this year has been really positive for me though.  Maybe the rut I am talking about is my growth plateauing.  I had so many good things happen for me when I quit drugging and drinking.  Like my driver's license.  And going to Germany.

But I do need to get ahead.  Since this is the solstice and the beginning of the next Mayan age, I may as well start on what I want to achieve this next year:
Get a job.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Do my taxes.
Get into Grad School.
Move to Toronto.
Live in Grad Residences.
Get a girlfriend.

That's all I want to have happen. I would be happy if my next year worked out like that.  I'll hear in April if I get into Grad school, if not I will apply in the fall for my feature film funding, again.  In the regular section.  I've never gotten a grant in the Aboriginal Section.  I think it's cursed.

I'm worried Steven will pick one of my work nights to get really drunk and disruptive in the middle of the night, and I will be fucked for sleep and have to work the next day and be really bad at it.  I don't know.  That's one of the reasons I might move out if I get my job.  I would save more money if I stayed here, but I really hate Steven.  So maybe having the opportunity to get the hell out of here would be a good thing.  It would suck for Mum though, because then she couldn't afford to keep her house.  She would have to get another roommate.  And I don't know if anyone could stand living with Steven.  But I guess that isn't my problem.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Maybe a Job?

I've done a lot of work on my grad application.  I just need to review and make some changes and then whip this paper up into something more professional!  I got my last reference letter writer, so that is good!  They are all women and all tenured professors! :D

I also had some really REALLY good news this week!

I had applied for this Customer Service Representative at X corporation back in November.  I heard they were doing their hiring process in December, so when I didn't hear anything for over the first two weeks in December I gave up.  I thought it was just another case of being ignored.  BUT THEN yesterday afternoon my gmail app on my iPhone went "ding!" and I checked it and I had an invitation from X corporation to complete a web based assessment.  They said they encouraged me to do it now, but I had until December 31st.  So I waited until Steven's son left this evening and went in and logged on. 

It was really complex.  First they asked me for basic information.  Then they had me go to a virtual call centre, where a little computer generated dude gave basic training in their system and then a practice call.  Then I had to do some virtual calls for which I was being assessed.  I think I made two mistakes.  It was interesting.  Then I had to answer a multiple choice portion of the assessment on responses to customer's statements.  THEN the hardest part came, which was all these mathematical questions which I had to solve and answer.  I was worried I was just fucking up.  BUT THEN!!!!! I got a screen that said "Congratulations!  You have successfully completed this portion of the hiring process.  A recruitment person will be in touch with you on the next step!"  So I PASSED! :D  Now it's down to the interviews!  I don't know when they will do them.  Christmas is coming up pretty quick, so they might take time off and get back to me in the New Year, when everyone has done the assessment.  I am trying to remember the hiring process for Sasktel, which is another Crown Corporation and had a lot of the same benefits.  I think the next step was a telephone interview.  And then an in person interview.

I really hope I get it.  The pay is amazing and they have good benefits.  And this time I don't have active addictions fucking me over and making me waste money and time and so forth.  I think I could be a really good employee.

Another nice thing happened.  I sent an email to an ex after being suspicious of something I thought she did while we were together, I mean, it was a really nice thing for her to do because it helped me move on from something traumatic.  Anyway, she sent me back an email confirming my suspicions, and she was actually really friendly and nice.  I appreciated it.  So that was nice.  It made me feel a bit better.  She and I have had such a tumultuous history.  I guess that's what happens when you know someone for 18 years.  God, I can't believe I'm so old!

I'm in a pretty good mood.  I've been so excited ever since I passed the assessment tonight.  I have to go to bed now.  I think I will write in my journal.  I am still waiting for a cheque that I haven't gotten, I am dubious as to whether I will get it before Christmas or not.  Which kinda sucks, because I won't be able to get many presents then.  I only bought for two people.  Oh well, I kinda think the presents thing is overrated, and I know I will only get two anyway. 

Life is up and down.  Sometimes it is really sad and sometimes it is really happy.  So strange.  I guess I will find out in January if I have a job.  I'll keep you updated.  The best part is that the starting wage is 26 dollars an hour!  I don't know how many hours I will get though.  It's permanent part time though, not casual, which is good, I hate casual work and being on call.  I like having a set schedule.

Anyway, Steven is drunk again, as usual, and sprayed some really rank cologne in the living room and I think I am allergic to it so I should go to bed.  Good night!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Goodbye Arthur!

I haven't posted in a while and there was one major change in our home life.  Arthur the Golden Retriever was euthanized last Saturday.  The day before he didn't want to eat, he was throwing up even though he had next to nothing in his stomach and he was having a hard time getting up.  We took him to the vet and they kept him for a few hours and did some tests.  Then they sent him home and he wasn't allowed to eat the rest of the day.  The next morning was no better, and he was eleven so Mum called the vet and made arrangements for him to be euthanized.

I went with him and Mum.  He was given several sedatives that made him super sleepy and then one giant needle.  He passed away very peacefully, breathing out one last big sigh and kicking his back leg out to get more comfortable.  And then he was gone.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I would get so mad at him but all in all he was a good dog, and sweet, and now he is no more.  I miss him.  Since then we have been adjusting, Hermione cried when he left for half an hour.  And then she was a little unsettled for a few days.  Now she is getting used to it just being her and Mister.  I'm gonna feel bad when I take Mister away in the fall.  She'll have no one.  Mum made me promise not to let her get another dog for a year.  She's worried she will make a poor decision if she gets one too soon.  I think she should get another dachshund, or a corgi, something Hermione's size that she can play with, in a year. 

We've discovered we can leave food on the counters again.  It's been wild, leaving butter bowls on the counter and no one stealing them.  But there is also no one big enough to lick out the pots, or intimidating enough for us to leave the doors unlocked.  So things have changed.  No one eats our snotty kleenexes anymore either.

So I have to talk about him, because he was a big part of our lives.  And I will end this part of the blog with a pic of him.

Arthur Cuthand is dead, Long Live King Arthur!


I've been going on Tumblr a lot lately, you can find me there at  I mostly reblog things I find interesting, but some of it is kewl so maybe you want to take a peek.

Fitofpique.tumblr was taken.  I tried!

I made sugar cookies on Friday with Shavonne.  It took a long time.  For some reason every time my Mom walked into the kitchen, I'd just be sitting there doing nothing and Shavonne would be busy working, and she thought I was just being a lazy bones but really I was busy!  Just not at the times she walked in, for whatever reason.  We made all kinds of cookies, wreaths, deer, santa, lights, snowmen, angels, on and on!  And then we made butter icing in four different colours and used all these sprinkles and made pretty cute cookies.  They were also really yummy cookies.  All of them have been eaten.  They didn't last long!  I have half the dough in the freezer so I can make more!

I'm busy with my grad application still.  I don't know if I should concentrate on writing a new paper or if I should just use an already written one.  This evening I went on a desperate search and found all my files from my first iMac I used in my undergrad on a CD.  I tried to open it in my laptop, but it kept getting spit out.  I tried it on Mum's computer and it worked.  I copied them all and then looked through the various folders.  It was arranged very neatly, not like my files now, I could learn something from that.  Anyway, I found an old paper about A Streetcar Named Desire which I wrote in my third or fourth year but was from a 100 class.  I'm not sure it's up to snuff.  I got a really good mark on it, but it is from a 100 class.  Soooooo, hmm.  I'm getting Mom to read it.  If I can concentrate on my other work I need to do for this grad application, that would be the best.  I'm worried I'm spending too much time trying to write an academic paper, and that the rest of my application is lacking.  I have two reference letter writers chosen, I just need one more.  And I have to work on my Statement of Intent more.  And get together my portfolio.  AND write 500 words on how my disability has impacted my grades.  So there is still a lot to be done. 

Anyway, I am really tired, so I am going to go to sleep.  OH!  But before I do, I have to tell you about the spirits who visited me in my dreams last night.

I was in a divey bar and Jasmine walked in!  I asked her what it was like to be dead, and she said people talk to you so you break open.  I'm not sure what that means, but it's rife with possibilities!  Then Arthur walked by on his hind legs, wearing glasses, a fedora, and a trenchcoat.  Strangeness!