Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The End

Don't worry, I don't mean the end of me, or this blog, or whatever terrible thing that my title might suggest.  I mean The End of the Steven Era! :D  Tomorrow is the end of the month and Steven's official moving day.  He doesn't seem to actually have a place to move to, but either way he isn't going to be living here anymore.  I don't know if he is going to be living under a bridge or what.  I suspect he's going to find a woman with low self esteem who will let him move in with her though.  But I really don't know, he might move in with his fellow hobo friend M who has also been a homeless drunk.  I guess we will see.  It really doesn't matter to me, I'm just relieved that three months shy of two years he is out of our house and we won't have to deal with all the fucked up shit he does.

I guess I mentioned all the things that pissed me off about living with him, so if you have been a faithful reader I don't have to detail it all again.  I noticed he wasn't very clever, he had a lot of life skills he was really shitty at, like not being able to cover food when he put it in the fridge, or deciding that he was a good cook, which he wasn't, and making food inedible.  Or when he used to play music really loud in the middle of the night and not give a shit about who he kept up.  Or getting drunk and making this unholy noise that was meant to be singing but just sounded like something dying.  Anyway, eeesh!  He's forty years old.  But he is really more of a teenager.  And the whole alcoholic thing too was awful, like when I would try to visit my other cousins and he would get in our face and be irritating and think he was being funny and really he was just being a douchebag. 

BUT it's over!  It's done!  I can go back to having a healthy home life.  I don't even know what that looks like anymore.  I can't believe I managed to get sober in this house with these conditions!  I remember one time he got really insistent that I drink this coke he had.  Now that I think of it, he probably spiked it with rum.  I was sober at the time and I didn't drink it, because I was suspicious, and for good reason.  It seems like the kind of thing he would do too, sabotage someone's sobriety.  And there were some other things that I didn't even tell Mom that he did or said to people while he lived here which creeped people out.  I was so stressed out living with him.  I was gonna move for August 1st if he didn't leave.  I was ready to jump ship, it was a shitty living situation.  Even my psych nurse was rooting for me to leave.  But then he got evicted.

Anyway, WHAT ELSE?  Actually life has been pretty good.  I am hoping on Friday or next Monday to get a call setting up a job interview.  Dora the corgi has slowed down on her nippy aggression.  She's getting gentler, it is taking a long time but she is making progress, so I am happy.  I've been spending time with these friends who are kind of crazy drinkers.  I think I need to spend less time with them at night when they drink.  I always regret hanging out with drinkers, the dramatic ones can really wear on you.  Which is too bad because when they are sober they are fun.  It's just I am really bad at wrangling drunks because I get irritated.

I think I need to make more sober friends, but I am not really a 12 stepper.  My concurrent disorders group is nice.  I don't know if I could make friends there, they don't really go for coffee after.  I maybe want to hang out with people who don't have addictions issues and are sober though.  Like, they just don't like booze and drugs or something.  I dunno.  Something!

I put an ad in Kijiji looking for an ex lover from like, 2000 or something.  I haven't heard anything.  She wasn't sober at the time, but she was a lot of fun and sweet.  I wonder if I will ever find her?

I am trying to be open to love.  I did a tarot reading about my love life and it gave me the best possible advice.  It said I shouldn't do anything.  I should just let things be and if something is going to happen it will happen at the right time and with the right person.  I shouldn't go looking.  I shouldn't go begging ex lovers for another chance.  I should just exist and be happy with myself.  So I guess that is what I am trying to do.  Nothing!  It's simple and yet almost difficult.  I'm an expert at making these grand gestures of love towards indifferent women, and it's such a bad habit and I really have to knock it off.  So maybe doing nothing will be good for me.  Maybe someone should make a grand gesture towards me for once.  Actually, if someone likes me the best way to get me is to flirt and stand back and then let me make the moves.  But like, a really obvious flirt.  And then giving me time to ponder.  I'm easily scared off by someone who seems too into me.  It has to be just right.  I'm weird that way I guess.

I haven't found myself kissing someone in a long time.  I think because I don't drink anymore.  Drinking is such a social lubricant, in this terrible way.  I don't even know how to make out with someone for the first time without being drunk.  I haven't done it sober in ages.  When I lost my virginity I was sober.  But that's like, 18 years ago!  I must have been intimate and sober some other time.  I think I was sober when Amber Dawn and I first got together.  That was a big night, it wasn't that long ago.  Or was it?  2000?  I guess that's 13 years ago.  I don't remember drinking a beer when we had our first date, but I don't think I would remember either.  I know we had sober morning sex a few times at least, but that wasn't the first time with each other.

Maybe this is why doing nothing is a good tactic for my love life.  It will be a surprise whenever whatever happens.  And I won't seem desperate.  I hate seeming desperate, it makes me feel like a loser. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Cute girls, working out, pies!

I've been doing pretty good these days.  Some things are happening in my life.  I have a job interview coming up at the beginning of August.  It's for a residency type position where I would be an emerging director in the theatre.  I don't want to say too much about it until the closing date for applications passes.  Except I am pretty stoked about it and hopefully it will really improve my life and give me a new purpose and expand my skill set for when I go on to direct feature films and such.

Tomorrow I am going for coffee and a walk with this cute girl I mentioned three entries ago from OKC.  That should be fun.  I'm not viewing it so much as a date as more of a hang out with the potential to become friends.  BUT if sparks happen I am open to it!  I just don't want to put pressure on the situation.  She is pretty cute though.

Speaking of cute girls, I ran into someone I have mentioned here who I have an extensive history with and for lack of a better word I refer to as an ex.  An ex whatever.  Whatever we were doing that ended up breaking my heart.  It was a good encounter.  We made idle chit chat and she laughed at a silly thing I said and in the end she let me hug her, which was really nice.  We haven't seen each other since 2007.  I was going crazy wondering why we had never run into each other when we lived in the same city this whole time, but finally finally we saw each other.  I think it was positive.  Even though she will never love me.

I sometimes feel dumb for still loving someone who doesn't love me and never will.  I guess that's the thing about love though, feeling it for someone isn't a guarantee they will feel it back.  And even though I think I am pretty loveable, she doesn't see it.  Which is too bad for her I guess.

I am kinda sleepy.  It's late, and I need to get to sleep earlier.  I have to stop falling in love with people who aren't interested in me!  And Emma still doesn't want to be friendly friends with me since I confessed love to her last summer.  I'm still on restricted profile.  I have a terrible feeling she is waiting until I have a real relationship with someone else before she lets me interact with her again, and I have an even worse fear that I'm gonna be single for ages longer and still cut off from friendship with Emma!  OH MANS!  She was my sober pal.  I really miss that.

Steven has been out of the house for the last two nights, tonight is the third night he has been gone and we have no clue where he is.  I kind of wonder at what point we should put up posters or whatever.  BUT he is leaving on Thursday for good, and we are renting that suite out for September 1st.  So it's been almost like he is already gone, nice and relaxed and happy.  Even Little Mister has calmed down.  He hated Steven.  Still, where the hell is Steven?  Oh well.

What else?  Oh hell, I don't know!  My piercing is healing well, crusty but good.  I did weight lifting with Laurel this past week and my body ACHED!  But it was good, and I think I am gonna do it again.  She left the next day for Manitoba, so I was without my workout pal.  But she comes home on Monday and then I think we are back to the gym!  I really do want those toned arms.  I guess I could lose ten pounds.  My weight had been going down for a while and then I quit the gym and started baking pies and I gained a bunch of weight.  It's awkward, because I am fat positive.  But also, I don't like always having to buy new clothes.  So there's that.

I do miss her, the Ex.  I mean, even just as a friend that I could hang out with, I miss her that way.  But somehow I kind of think I would always lean towards romantic feelings towards her.  She did get my virginity, that's kind of a big deal.  They say you always love your first love.  Too bad I wasn't her first love too, then she would always love me instead of never loving me. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Nothing to worry about

So I am just going to for now ignore most of what happened yesterday which was messy and ugly, and try to explain what happened without pissing off my mom again.  ANYWAY, she told me I was evicted, we had a big row, it was awful, I cried myself to sleep and spent five hours looking for jobs and places to live, and then this morning she apologized for swearing at me BUT not for the fight, but she explained it was the other roommate that was really stressing her out and she said I could stay if I wanted to.

So I felt a bit better, then she read the blog I had written and got mad again, and then I erased it to salvage our relationship, and then she just muttered that I was a minor jerk when we went to see Grandma and Grandpa.  And I did the dishes I was supposed to finish and cleaned the bathroom and got rid of the smell in my room and we went out to the movies and for dinner and things seem to be much better.

I did get a response about a place to live, but she hasn't sent me any pictures like she said she would so I am not sure if it is still a possibility or not.  For now I am just leaving it.  I have given up looking for a place to live and I am going to focus on waiting out these last ten days with the bad roommate and hope that our lives improve when he is gone.

So that's that.

Tomorrow I am beginning my fitness routine again.  I had been thinking about it for a while, and I read that the first two weeks after getting an Industrial you SHOULDN'T work out, so today was two weeks since it has been pierced.  So I'm ready tomorrow.  I found my lock for the lockers and I have gym shoes and a headband for head sweat.  I don't have a gym bag.  I might appropriate one of mom's.  I am going to do something different this time, I am going to do some strength training.  I want muscly arms.  The kinds that fill out a t shirt nicely.  I read this total butch porn about the glory of white t shirts today, they were talking about men wearing them but butch women look pretty awesome in them too.  I think they just accentuate masculinity in this nice working class way. Anyway, I need some popeye arms that make women shiver when they imagine getting fisted by me!  LOL!  That's kind of overkill actually.  Even Madonna arms are overkill.  I just want a little definition and the ability to carry sleepy tired puppies for a couple of blocks if need be.

We took Dora, the new corgi, to the Vet last week and I had to carry her part of the way back because she got tired and just wanted to lay down.  I guess the shots she got were supposed to make her tired.  But I had a hard time carrying her two blocks.  4.5 kg isn't a lot, but my arms were weak.

My ear feels weird.  Like crusty.  Which is normal.  It's got lymph on it because it's healing.  And will be for the next six months to a year.  I'm excited for when it is done healing.  This time I think it will work, it's been remarkably good since I got it and not very painful at all, not compared to what I remember anyway.  I might even get more cartilage piercings in the other ear next year.  Different ones, but in the upper ear too.  We will see.

Okay, I have to get up at 10 tomorrow morning for this exercise, so I should go.  I just wanted to update y'all on the situation.  Nothing to worry about here.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Sausages are the downfall of me

So I wrote this long thing about a fight I had yesterday with my Mom and then she got upset about it so I have deleted it.  But I still feel like I should explain what happened, so I am going to try and think of a way to describe current events without talking about my mom.  Anyway, maybe I will just say she evicted me and then changed her mind.  And I might have a new place to live but I also might stay.  So that is going on.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Trying to grow as a person

My ear is healing well, it's not as sore as I thought it would be this first week.  It's got little crusties but that's all.

I've had a good week.  I am looking for part time work.  I'm not applying for very fancy jobs, I just basically want something that will give me an extra four or five hundred a month.  So far I've applied to a movie theatre, SaskPower, and the Police Service.  No calls yet.  I'm either under or over qualified probably.

I did tarot and rune readings asking about my love life.  For the present I got ten of cups which is like, happy home and love and stuff, and I DON'T have that for my present situation.  So it's kind of curious.  And then for the rune reading I got this one that was about life partners and a thing called The Fetch that is like this force that will bring my love into my life.  I'm not sure.  I still feel dubious.  I think if I lived somewhere else I might find someone, but in this dumb city I can't imagine finding someone.

And yet the weird thing is I have a feeling I'm going to be with someone I have already met.  I don't know who though. 
This is one of those entries where I write then come back a few days later.

Anyway, I've been sending messages on dating websites.  I wasn't getting replies from a couple ladies, but this one woman has replied to my message and we seem to have things in common AND she is super cute.  We might hang out this week!  :)  It would be nice to go for a hang out.  I'm not sure if it is a date or just a friendly meet up, I guess I will find out.  But she is SUPER cute!  She reminds me of a couple ladies I have fond memories of.  So there's that.  She's also younger than me.  Old enough to be mature (I hope!), but still not 35 or even 30!

I still haven't heard back from any potential employers.

I DID hear back from someone about a new place to live.  I'm really torn, I decided to stay here, but it is a super good deal.  Geez.  I think I'll decline, but it sucks.  I was ready to leave when Steven was still gonna live here, but now he's being evicted, and I know my Mom needs the money, so I feel like I should stay.  Still, it was pet friendly and LGBT friendly, two super crucial things!  Damn.  And my rent would have stayed the same, with utilities, netflix, and wifi included.

Ha ha, I just realized this whole entry so far is about potential girlfriends/friends, work, and homes! It's kind of funny.

I'm tired.  I got some new music from iTunes but it's not enough.  I think I need to buy a whole album instead of singles.

I'm still trying to think of how to improve my life.  Last year was all about getting sober, and this year I have to keep pushing forward.  I don't want to get stuck in just thinking it's enough to be sober.  But I'm also not really a twelve stepper.  I have to think of some other way to grow.

Getting all my piercings back, my lobes, industrial, and hood, was kind of a treat for me because I missed those for a long time.  I feel a little bit more myself now.  I am also wanting a tattoo, but that's a ways off still.  And anyway, those are a little more superficial and not dealing with how I really want my life to change.

I think if I want to continue to grow I have to figure out what kind of a person I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, and make a list of steps to take to get there.   What do I want?  I want a girlfriend, I really want a wife, but I think I should start with a girlfriend.  I want my own place to live, maybe with roommates, or with my girlfriend, but somewhere I can have my dog.  I want a car.  I want a part time job, not a full time job and not a job that's like 35 hours a week so it's practically full time, UNLESS the full time job is something creative like writing scripts or making films or something in my line of arty stuff.  I think I would be able to do full time if it was something where my talents were actually being utilized and I was realizing my own personal visions.  I want to travel more.  I want to make enough money that I am comfortable.  I don't care if I am rich, but if I had enough that I could do things I wanted like travel and buy a house or condo and own a car and pay for Little Mister's geriatric dog needs, that would be good. 

So I guess I should continue making shorts and trying to get money to make more industry kind of things and doing whatever labs or workshops in directing or something.  I should keep trying to meet new women until the magical mutual spark thing happens.  I should eventually move out, when I have some more long term income coming in that will let me live on my own.  I should keep trying to get residencies abroad.

But is this what it means to grow as a person?  I guess my life trajectory is different than other women's.  Like, I am never having children, so I won't have to worry about certain things parents have to worry about.  And I don't see myself working a day job forever.  I dunno.

I'm super tired, I should go sleep.

Monday, July 08, 2013

Industrial Number 2!

I wish I could say I actually HAVE two Industrials, but to me one is enough, and also Industrial Number 1 fell out a few years back and I was too lazy to put it back in right away (I needed to get another spikey end I think too because I lost it!) and then by the time I tried it had grown in.

Anyway, there were issues with the first Industrial piercing I had, like that it never really healed and also that it got a bump.  The bump went away when I took out the piercing, so my ear looks normal.  But I now realize there was something wrong with that piercing and I guess I should have gone back to the shop to get advice or different jewelry.

ANYWAY, I have been wanting another Industrial for ages.  I really wanted one the last few weeks.  I had promised myself I would get it done and then I had the money and I just started putting it off because truthfully, the last time I got an Industrial it hurt like a muthafucker and kept hurting for hours, it hurt so much I thought I was gonna faint.  And at the time I was a pothead so I was trying to use weed as a painkiller, bad idea!  Weed really isn't very effective for that type of pain.  It just makes things slow down and still hurt. 

So today we were supposed to go to Manitou for the pool and bobbing around in salty salty healing waters, but instead Mum didn't feel like going and said "You may as well get your ear done" because I had been talking about it for ages.  So we went and did a few errands and then we went to Tantrix to get my ear pierced.

I was so nervous.  We went up 108th Street and Tantrix is basically at the end of that on Central Ave, so I could see it from a distance and my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty.  On the way in we saw a woman dressed as the girl from Brave (never saw it so I don't remember her name) and a couple other Disney Princesses going into the children's store next door.  I don't really have a reason for mentioning that other than finding it unusual. 

So I go up to the counter of Tantrix and the woman working there has me fill out a consent form and a little questionnaire about if I am of sound mind and do I have HIV and stuff.  And then we go into this room. 

And she gets the right sized bar and all her stuff lined up and then it's time to do the piercing and she puts it through on the count of four and it stings and it has a burn to it that builds up after.  But then I hear what I did not want to hear.  "That is a bit shallow.  You're going to hate me, but we have to do this again."  OMG!  NOOOOOOO!  So she lets my ear cool down and then she pierces the bottom part again, and it stings a little more and I can feel blood running down my ear and then she says it's STILL not quite right and she wants to do the top to make sure she's got the right angle.  So she does the top, which was probably the WORST piercing of them all, and then a bit more of a sting as she gets the bar through it.  Then there is some wiggling and the bar comes out the bottom one and she repierces the bottom for the LAST time and it is finally just right.  And then some stingy again when she gets the jewelry through and then she screws on the balls and presses a lot of pieces of paper towel to my ear to stop all the bleeding from my poor little ear.

What surprised me though is that even though I basically got four cartilage piercings in the space of half an hour, it didn't hurt nearly as much as I remember from the first time.  Also I took heavy duty Ibuprophen in the car on the way to the shop, which could have made a difference too.

She packs a little bit of paper towel under the bar against where those two empty pierced holes are seeping blood and then I pay and am on my way.  I'm achey, but surprisingly as the hours tick by my ear gets better and better, it's not an unbearable pain like I remember from the first Industrial.  And my ear gets less and less red a lot faster than the first time too.

So I think my first Industrial was pierced at a slightly wrong angle and that it put pressure on my ear that caused the bump and also made it not heal.  Because even though it sucked today getting pierced four times, the aftermath is a lot easier to deal with than what I remembered.  And hopefully this heals well and I don't get any weird bumps or anything. 

She told me they recommend using unscented soap to clean piercings, and nothing else.  No saline, no salt water soaks.  Just Dove once a day when I shower.  So that seems easy enough.  Also I can't sleep on it the first while, which will be hard but not impossible.  I've read some people say they use travel pillows to sleep on, I am going to go buy one tomorrow.  I've only slightly bumped it a couple of times now, actually I didn't even catch it when I took my shirt off, which is good.  It's got a little dried blood on it right now, but that's okay.  She had to use their super stainy marker on me to mark the placement, so I still have a little purple line on my ear.  But hopefully it gets washed off tomorrow morning. 

So yay! :D  The only thing that would make it perfect is if it had spikey ends!  I am gonna wait a while and then go to another store and see if they have any.  The round balls are probably good for the initial healing though!

Monday, July 01, 2013

I did it!

I did it!  I finished all five scheduled shifts!  I even got my cashout PERFECT today!  I didn't end up with even a dollar more or less than what was recorded on the till tape!  I'm so glad it is over and I have my freedom again!  But I am also glad that I gave myself a little work challenge and I did it and I didn't drop any shifts or get sick or anything!  I stuck to what I had scheduled and I did my job as well as I could considering it was the first time I had ever used a register or been a cashier!  I did have cash handling experience from other jobs, but those were really laid back kinds of experiences, not a constant flow of people making transactions.  And I even used a debit machine!

I'm exhausted.  I'm relieved it's done.  Tomorrow I am going to do something fun like bake muffins or something.  I get paid this week and then I have to carefully decide how I am going to use it.  I think I will get my Industrial, because I really really want it.  It will hurt and make me unhappy but it will also look so sexy that it will be worth it.

I can hear Hermione having breathing troubles.  The dogs do this thing where they have like, an asthma attack.  Hermione usually gets one at the beginning of her walk, because she is so excited.  It's weird.

What else? I'm tired.  I should probably just go to sleep.  Dora the corgi has settled down for the night and isn't chewing on me with her needle puppy teeth.  Yay!  She attacks me every night at bedtime.  Mom asked how I put her to bed, it's really just being patient and exhausting her until she turns into a cutie again and sleeps.  Aw!  She's adorable.

Ok!  Good night!