Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years Eve!

It's gonna be a new year soon!  I am having a Not Very Exciting New Year's Eve.  I think I'm gonna finish my laundry, wash my bedroom floor, ummmmmm.  We're setting off fireworks at 7:30, then I am driving my friends to their event at 8 or 9.  Back home we're gonna play board games and have the fireplace on.  Nice and cozy.

I've had a good year.  It had ups and downs, but it ended on a good note, getting my grant.

Ha ha, I got bored writing and just buggered off.  Guess I will finish now.

It's a little over half an hour to midnight.  We set off fireworks and some bitchy neighbour threatened to call the cops, and we were like "Go ahead."  Cause legally you are allowed to set them off on private property in the city limits on New Years Eve, Victoria Day, Canada Day, and Labour Day.  They were good fireworks but she was kind of a downer. 

I finished cleaning my room and washing the floor, and I did my laundry.  I have all clean clothes and clean sheets and stuff.  I dyed my hair again to refresh my pink.  We had a lackluster supper of chicken strips and french fries, because there is a four year old with a limited palate staying with us.  Everything you say to him about food he says "Yuck!"  He eats very little besides a few things.  And he's super screamy.  Not even screamy, shrieky!  And squeally!  If something goes the slightest bit awry he starts squealling and complaining.

Little Mister has anxiety because this kid is staying with us.  He's been following me around all day, getting under foot and always asking me to lift him up so he can snooze next to me.  He's very sweet, but I feel badly that he doesn't feel safe enough to just lay on his cushion in the kitchen, which is his favorite bed.  I guess it's for the best.  Poor dude.  Maybe when the kid gets older and more mature Little Mister will be able to just relax.  Even now, the kid is asleep downstairs, and Little Mister is next to me in my chair.

Yesterday was awful.  I forgot to pick up my medications the day before from the pharmacy, so I was ALL OUT of meds.  I couldn't sleep.  It was horrible.  I tossed and turned until 5:30am and then I gave up and got up and puttered around.  I stayed awake until midnight last night.  I got my meds so I am fine now, but sleep deprivation made me have a really short fuse.  And the kid was just talking the whole time, blah blah blah blah blah.  I didn't yell at him but I got really frustrated, then my friend invited me out for dinner and a movie, so we went out.

The movie was the highly anticipated Blue Is The Warmest Colour.  It was three hours long.  The sex scenes made us laugh and my friend said "Shamay!" because they went on "fucking" for ten minutes and it was totally ridiculous.  Shamay is Saulteaux for "getting worse!"  The protagonist was completely unlikeable, played with her hair all the time, had terrible hair besides which needed a hairbrushing, ate with her mouth open, slept with her mouth open, and there was some weird motif of spaghetti dinners.  The only good part (spoiler) was when she finally got dumped by the lesbian, because she was so unlikeable and was a closeted cowardly whiney weasel.  I was like "GOOD! DUMP THAT BITCH!"  And then the movie kept going!  OH!  And there were these pretentious moments where characters talked to each other about ideas, like philosophy, and it was such a pile of crap.  And the lesbian was an artist and she painted and representations of artists are often bullshit, which it was.  Like when she talked about her paintings she talked about really surface stuff, like colour and lines, and I find artists usually talk about ideas and politics involved in their work.  SO it was just an awful movie all around.  Two thumbs way way down!

I'm done ranting now. 

I was a cabbie for about an hour.  Most of it I was waiting at my friend's house for her and our other friend to get ready.  Then we started going to their destination, when my friend couldn't find her id.  We went to a gas station to see if she left it there, then we had to go to her house so she could get her spare id.  Finally I dropped them off and came home, but on the way Mom called (I didn't answer because I was driving) because she was wondering if I had decided to go out after all.

Anyway, that's what's been up.  I should go get my laundry.  Happy New Year all my beautiful blog readers!  I will keep writing!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Little Mister is too gender normative

I'm in a good mood.  I went to the book store today looking for books about Mars Exploration, but there wasn't ANYTHING!  Just something about robotic missions to Mars, which isn't what I want to learn about at all!  So I went on Amazon and ordered a couple books that have more relevance.

I spent tonight doing laundry (really grubby sheets!) and collecting four transcripts into one email that I sent off to one of my distributors.  I had a really hard time finding the transcript for Sight, because I wrote it on a totally different computer (my mother's) AND at the time it was named something completely different, Blindness.  I like Sight better.  Anyway, I finally have it, renamed and edited to what the narrative actually says in the video.

I'm glad my sheets are clean.

I am getting a little bit of a cold.  My throat has had a tickle all day.  This morning I sounded awful, like a croaky frog.

My Grandma was in the hospital over Christmas.  It was really awkward, because some of us (including myself) thought this was it!  The end!  She was gonna die and we would all be sad.  It was getting hard going to the hospital all the time to see her, it takes a lot out of you.  But she got discharged today.  My Grandpa was super lonely while she was gone, so he's pretty glad she is home.  I didn't want to tell people "My Grandma is dying!"  But I did say that to one friend, she said she would keep her in her prayers, so today when Grandma got released I told her her prayers must have worked!

I know my Grandparents won't be around forever though.  They are well into their nineties.

My throat!!!!  Ugh I hate being sick!  What has me freaking out is yesterday they moved Grandma to a different room in the hospital, and it turns out someone in that room (there were four beds) was under quarantine.  SO why the fuck was he in a room with other people?  Someone raised a fuss and got him moved to a private room, but now I am paranoid that I caught something or Grandma caught something.  Quarantine is serious!  Why the hell was he in a room with three other people AND their visitors?

I'm now in my bed, with my warm clean sheets and my content sleeping pup.  Just before Mum went to bed she told me that they found a baby bear, who seems to have been away from his mom for two months!  And he was really skinny, and they found him in a chicken coop, but he didn't hurt any of the chickens!  They gave him oatmeal with honey, because milk is too rich for his poor starved little tummy.

BEARS!  I love bears.  I have this thing where if I hear about animal abuse I feel really small and upset and have to hug my dog, so sometimes I read about bear bile farms and it's super upsetting!  I try to avoid reading about animal abuse.  I really hate when people post shit about it on facebook with pictures because it is SUPER triggering for me, and there's no way to avoid it except for hiding it.  But when something is in your head you can't get it out.

I'm way too sensitive to be living in a world like this.  I can't even bring myself to watch Blackfish.  I can't even believe I read Where The Red Fern Grows when I was a kid!  That is a SUPER UPSETTING BOOK!  Right up there with Old Yeller.  Sometimes I can't even watch the news.

Oh yeah, anyway, I went to the bookstore today.  I couldn't find my Mars books, so I got Writing the Science Fiction Film, Gentrification of the Mind, and Best Lesbian Erotica 2013.  I read some of the Gentrification book, which is super good, but now I'm in bed which means I am switching to my sexy thoughts time so I think I will read Best Lesbian Erotica 2013.  Maybe I should charge my vibrator as well.

I love bringing new books home.  There is this moment where you want to dive into them, they are like new worlds floating around in between pages.  I have lots of books I haven't read yet actually, and I should.

Best Lesbian Erotica!  I haven't gotten one of these since 1996!  Holy crap!  That is also the year I graduated high school.  Lezzzzzbians!  I hope this book is good.

So many things to do in the next while.  I'm glad tomorrow is a Regular Day and not a freakin' Sunday or a Holiday!  So tired of holiday hours!  I need to get Little Mister in for a shave too, he's super shaggy!  And he's got long fur in front of his penis that keeps getting peed on, and then he has a little weird dog pee smell to him.  Poor Little Mister!  He got a bath, but that only does so much.  And his nails are clickety clacking all on the floor.  I read an article yesterday about how certain dog breeds need regular grooming, and that at minimum they should be groomed twice a year, because this groomer sometimes sees dogs that only get groomed ONCE a year and they get super matted and have awful painful nails and it is really awful.  I can't imagine someone letting their pet get so far gone.  Little Mister gets groomed about four times a year.  Every season he needs a tune up, shave, nails clipped, bathed, he looks cute!  And they put a bandana on him.

What I really want to know though is this, where does dog bandana cloth come from????  Cause it's really obviously made just for dog bandanas, it will like, have little bones on it, or dogs waving Canadian flags if it's around Canada Day, or like, Christmas or Halloween related dog themes.  Like a dog popping out of a pumpkin or something.  Once he got a flamey bandana, he looked very smart!  But really, there's a whole market for printed cloth for dog bandanas.

Little Mister is too gender normative, I want to find Dog Nailpolish and do his nails when he comes home from the groomers.  I think a pink or a red would look cute!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Finally Funded!

I've been so busy with holiday stuff that I haven't had a chance to write.  So here goes!

On Christmas Eve the mail person came by and dropped off some mail.  I got an envelope from Sask Arts Board, which made me instantly anxious because it seemed so small, and I was anticipating a rejection.  And it was almost Christmas, and I didn't want bad news on Christmas, but I opened it and read "We are pleased . . . " and I was like "Woooo!"  They didn't give me the full amount I requested, but it's still 13,000 towards my Mars webseries.  So I'm sure I can do something with that.  I'm basically not able to pay myself much.  I've been thinking about how I can make up the full amount and I am considering turning to crowdfunding.  I've got a lot of research I have to do in the next month, like researching the best way of presenting a webseries, and how to run a good crowdfunding campaign.  Basically I have to go to the library.  I also have to research Soviet cosmonauts and space technology, space travel, Mars, and various other things.  I'm gonna download some transmissions from space and listen to the lingo and stuff.  Each webisode is presented as a transmission from this ship.  It's pretty exciting!

So Christmas Eve I was trying to sleep but my head was buzzing with all the things I am gonna have to do in the coming months, and also things I can finally pay off now that I am getting some cash.  SOME of it I can just use as living, so I'm gonna get Little Mister's teeth done and finish paying off the car accident I was in, and I owe Mum 202.00 so I have to pay her that. AND I am gonna get an artist website, so I have to do that.  February I will get some artist fee money too, I am hoping I get a decent cheque.  I might get my tattoo, I've been wanting it for a long time.

What else?  I haven't gotten my unofficial transcript from ECUAD yet, I think the university is closed for the holidays anyway, so I am going to get in touch with them in January.  That's the last thing on my end that I need for my application to Ryerson. 

No ladies on the horizon.  I'm going out to Divas on New Years Eve I think, maybe.  There could be cuties there.  I'm dressing up a bit more when I go out, so I hope I look more presentable.

Little Mister needs a shave!  And I need to be sheared too, I'm looking mighty shaggy! 

I'm mostly relieved that I have finally been able to fund my project.  It's been bouncing around for years, trying to get the damn thing funded.  It has also changed over time, from a longish short video to now a webseries.  There was a time I was thinking of making it a tv show, but no one is gonna take me seriously for that yet.  I think it becoming a webseries is a good move, it's a longer story but spread out over a series of shorts.  I tried to get it funded through the Canada Council, but got rejected twice.  So oh well.  Thank god my provincial funding body came through!  This was the first time I applied to SAB with this project. 

I've got a lot of work to do!  2014 is going to be exciting!  And in the fall, the series will start going online.  And I will finally be able to see this thing to fruition!  I first performed my Mars story around 2001, so it has been a LONG time coming!  I'm gonna be able to work with actors, so this will be fun.  I have to look at my budget and see what I can do. 

This is my work schedule for the next year:

February 1, 2014 – April 30, 2014 – Research and Scriptwriting
May 1, 2014 – May 31, 2014 – Set building, casting, and rehearsal
June 1, 2014 – June 15, 2014 – Shooting
June 15, 2014 – August 10, 2014, Post production (editing and sound mix)
August 11, 2014 – Pick up shots (“training” at the Exhibition).
August 12, 2014 – September 1, 2014, end of Post production.
September 1, 2014 – November 15, 2014 – Weekly dissemination of each episode via Vimeo and publicized on social media such as Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

I think I'm gonna start research and scriptwriting in January though, I feel like it could benefit from another month of work, especially since I have already found out I have the grant.  I have the outline for ten episodes.  It's just a matter of jumping off from there.

I've decided to make beaded jumpsuits too.  Which will also take a lot of work.  I might pay for that with crowdfunded money, if this thing works.

I'm really buzzing but I know I should go to sleep and it's late and aaaaaahhhhhhh!  I have over ten thousand dollars to make videos!  In the Industry that's not a lot, but to me it is pretty mega.  I have made short videos super cheaply before.  Like, with a hundred bucks.  Which is a SUPER micro budget.

I have other projects brewing in my brain, but I hope this opens some more doors for me and gets me noticed.  And it's also a really good experience to learn how to direct actors.

So in short, it has been a good Christmas, even though today was mostly being busy with my family obligations.  I am hoping to have some relaxing times with my friends in the next while, until after New Years.  Maybe some sledding, some drives, coffee, shirley temples in the bar.  I think my Nortryptiline is kicking in so maybe I can get some sleep now.  I'm excited about the future, it's a good feeling~!

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Give Up!

Okay so first off I will say this is a total Too Much Information post about jerking off so if you are a relative or don't want to know, stop reading!

I gave myself this great orgasm yesterday, but today it was terrible!  Four toys and porn and my battery died and I didn't come.  Sad!  All that work for nothing.

I've got this new dildo and it's kind of funny.  Because it's really thick.  So when I'm trying to get it in it's kind of intense.  First it's like "Never gonna fit!  It won't get in at all!" And then suddenly it's in and it's all like "Don't move!  I gotta adjust to this!"  And then it's really quite fun.  With a vibrator on my clit I don't even need to do the in and out motion, it can just fill me up and sit there and get me off.  But like I said, my battery died this morning so it didn't work out. 

There's this funny point when you are giving up on masturbating to orgasm, like first maybe I will try a few other things, and then I just start accepting that nothing is happening right now.  Maybe my sexual fantasies are just drifting off to thinking about groceries I have to buy or what my friend said yesterday or some other Non Sexy thing.  And then it gets to me with a dildo up my cunt thinking "This is stupid, and I should give up."  So maybe then I will get my laptop and look for porn.  I don't know what porn I want to look at anymore.  I saw a bunch of stuff and I was like "Fuck!  This isn't sexy!  It's not working!" And then my dog will walk into the room and start crying and staring at me because he wants attention and is all alone in the house and you can't get off with a crying sad dog in the room!  I mean, maybe YOU can, but I can't!  Fuckit!  I've got a pile of toys on my bed and none of them worked!

At least I got to play with a happy dog in the end though.  Happy because I finally gave up jerking off. 

Isn't that the pits though?  When domestic animals interrupt play time?  I remember when I had my cat Schrodinger and one time I had my head over the edge of the bed while I was jerking off because I was looking at a porno and then Schrodes just walked up to me and STARED!  And then he started sniffing my nose.  Boner killer!

Tonight I am gonna try nipple clamps for the first time.  I'm not sure it will work.  My nipples are kind of weird, they are inverted so they pull into themselves, and it's impossible to coax them out.  I might just watch my nipple hide and the clamp fall off.  I got these things a long time ago and haven't tried them until now!  I will report back!

I need to find good porn.  Porn with hot queers, diverse queers, POC and fat and some trans and some cis and all kinds of things!  I'm sick of looking at white girls taking on two dicks.  The One White Girl Two Dick era of my porn interests has ended.  And I don't want to look at made for men lesbian porn because it's too fake.  I might actually pay for porn because I know of some good queer stuff that is out there, but you have to pay.  I mean, sure, why not?  They should be compensated. 

I'm not really a porn enthusiast.  I'd rather read an erotic story and have something to imagine.  I'm super into imagination. 

Thursday, November 28, 2013


I got my leisurecard but I haven't used it yet.  Mom qualifies for a free leisurecard too so she is applying for one and then we are gonna work out together!

I had a dream about rattlesnakes last night, and handling rattlesnakes, and that there were all these snakes in the backyard and most were good but some had rattles.  Also that my friend Laurel and I went to Berlin and she was driving and we nearly drove into this weird flooded area that had brown water and all these people stuck in it and I got her to turn the wheel to head down a different street. 

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It will be basic, I might get blood tests to check for various things. 

I for some reason thought tomorrow was friday, but it isn't.  I mean, I guess it is because I'm writing this after midnight so technically it is already Thursday.

Boring.  I really have nothing of note to report.  No new crushes, nothing.  No money.  I get paid tomorrow from SAID, which is good.  We're gonna go to the Casino with my twenty bucks and ten free slot play bucks.  Try and win something.  Watch entertaining animated animals bounce around anyway.

I'm coming up to my first year anniversary of quitting smoking.  I've never gone this long, so it's pretty special.  I'm trying to hang on to my smobriety, which is hard because when I smell it it still smells good.  I'll be okay, I keep reading motivational stories, it helps.

I'm thinking of going to concurrent disorders this friday for a check in.  I think I will just go to the education part.  Who knows. 

God I am tired of being single.  BUT that doesn't mean I'm desperate or that I am gonna pick just anybody to be my Next Girlfriend.  Because I still want to fall in love and I don't want to fall into some bullshit where I'm annoyed half the time and all my friends hate her!  And I think I am gonna quit having sex right off the bat, because I am one of those people who gets all emotionally attached when sex happens and it blinds me to faults the woman has that are going to keep us from actually having a good relationship.  Or to the fact that maybe the sex really is just gonna be casual and that they don't really like me that much.  Because that sucks too! 

In fact, I think I am just gonna swear off having a girlfriend until I move away from this suckass town!  Cause otherwise that bullshit's gonna happen where I decide to stay for her and then she dumps my ass anyway and then I missed my chance to leave. 


Little Mister and I are fine with just each other. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Bus Rides to Nowhere

Over the last few years I've become a recreational bus rider.  As in one of those people who gets on the bus and doesn't get off until it comes back to the stop where I got on originally.  There are a few of us and we can all recognize each other.  Some talk to the bus driver the whole time.  Some don't.  I am not a chatty rider.  I like listening to my tunes and looking out the window.  It's better to do it in the day when things are well lit by the sun.  I think about things and sometimes I look at facebook on my phone.  More rarely I will look at my tumblr, but I often don't because my dashboard has sprinklings of explicit pornography on it.

I make playlists on my phone for songs I listen to while riding the bus.  Usually they are based on whatever I have been thinking about a lot at the time.  Like if I am thinking of making romantic gestures towards someone, I will fill my playlist with love songs.  But I'm a pessimist so I also throw on depressing rejected by love songs on it just in case I have to be depressed on the way home from doing something.

I can ride the bus for an hour.  Then I usually have to go to the bathroom, so I rarely go on bus loops that take more than an hour.  It's getting boring though, the route usually stays the same, except for minor deviations when like, a water main is being fixed and we have to go around the block. 

I used to worry that the bus driver would be all "Why are you staying on this bus???"  But none of them ever have. 

I made a Sigil today, I'm not sure I did it right, but it shouldn't hurt.  I had a really hard time deciding what I was going to do it on, becoming wealthy or getting love.  I ended up going for the whole Lurve thing.  Since I can always do a Sigil for wealth later.  The directions I read were to burn it after charging it and forget about it.  I've read elsewhere that you should keep it around until it works.  I burnt it, I guess we'll discover if that is the right thing to do or not soonish.  Tomorrow night I am going out to the gay bar to try and meet women, not sure if that is a good place, but it's better than staying home.

It could take a while.  They say they always work.  I guess we will see.

I am seeing my optometrist next week and getting new glasses.  Apparently I haven't seen him in four years, which is a long damn time!  I am also seeing my GP, to get blood tests and ask about those dizzy spells which ended anyway, AND to get a referral to a gynecologist to talk to them about getting an ablation.  I am really tired of bleeding so much.  And I want to avoid having a hysterectomy.  I should do some research.  I don't want birth control though because it makes me not horny, and I hate that.

The new med I am on can reduce horniness.  It's so funny that I have ended up monitoring my libido.  Like, if it goes up or down.  Life sort of loses it's spark when it is down.  I like having erotic daydreams skipping through my mind at some point in the day.  And just having the general drive to get it on with somebody.

My crushes aren't doing anything at the moment, so I need a new crush.  I hate this town!  I feel like I'd already have a crush if I had moved to Toronto in September.  There just really aren't a lot of people here that I click with.

I am going back to the gym.  I need to get my leisure pass, I tried to get the green form from the bus people when I renewed my cheapo subsidized bus pass, but they just printed out this bullshit receipt that didn't even say Saskatoon Transit on it!  I am going back tomorrow to shake my old man fist and demand my green form, because the leisure centres won't give me my pass unless I have it.  And I need it, because I'm getting puffed out when I move around too much and it's not good.  I don't care if I stay fat, because I like my curves, but I'd prefer some stamina for future fucking. 

Little Mister is doing good.  He trapped a mouse in the vacuum cleaner hose and Mom turned it on to prove there was no mouse and sucked it up and then we ran it out to a farm just by the city and let it go.  It seemed fine.  Mom was glad we didn't have to kill the mouse.  She had named him Stuart.

I should go to bed!  I have things to do tomorrow and I've been up all night cruising down my tumblr dash.  Little Mister is already snoozing!  I love him!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hire Me

I've decided I MUST LEAVE SASKATOON if I ever hope to get laid by a girl again.  So I am going to save up $5000 and move the hell away from here!  Which means I need a job.

The problem is Saskatoon is a fucking racist city and I have a really obviously First Nations last name.  So I have been applying for jobs for a while and I only got one interview back in 2012.  And I didn't get the job.  It's pretty frustrating.  I applied for another job with my old employer, in a different department, after 4 years of not working for them, I'm a little dubious I will get called in, BUT I am also super qualified for it. 

Anyway, besides that my options are getting major grants and getting into grad school and stuff. 

In other news.  In other news Little Mister has proven that there is a mouse in the house, tonight he sat in front of the fireplace where he was SURE it was, just looking.  Looking and looking.  Staking it out.  He's a little obsessed.  They must taste SUPER good!

I'm trying a new med, Nortriptyline.  So far it made me sleepy, but not as sleepy as Amyltriptyline.  Which was making me sleep in until 2pm.  But the good news is my panic attack thingy has died down, so it is working for what it is supposed to do!  Meds meds meds!  Which are good?  Which are bad?

I've decided when I move to Toronto I'm gonna try and get jobs as a closed captioner and the voice behind Descriptive Video for the Blind!  Accessibility jobs! :D  Making the world a more understandable place for all sorts of people!  Plus I just think I would be good at those things.

I am gonna miss my Mom a lot when I leave though.  And my Grandparents.  I wish I could bring them with me.  I will have to get Grandpa a skype account.

What else?  Ahhhh, not really anything.  If you know of any non-racist jobs in Saskatoon let me know!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Too damned sleepy

Tomorrow is my next psychiatrist appointment, it will have been six weeks since my last one when I was prescribed Elavil.

The good news is that I haven't had panic attacks while I have been on it.  The BAD news is that it makes me SO sleepy that I can't get out of bed before 2pm.  Seriously cramping my style!  I was always a late sleeper, but this is pretty ridiculous.  So I think I am going to go in and ask for a different medication.  It's really hard because we need something for anxiety WITHOUT killing my sex drive, and all the SSRI's end up killing my sex drive, at least all the ones I have tried.


I hope my genius psychiatrist has some idea of something else we can try.  I'm already on the lowest dose of Elavil possible.

On Thursday I am going to Ottawa for a screening of some of my videos in a Video Art biennial.  I'm pretty excited.  I might get to see my friend Shavonne, which would be nice.  I'm only there until Saturday.  Then I come back here.

I also might be going out to Ontario again in February.  Fingers crossed! :)

I've got to save up some money for Little Mister's teeth cleaning.  My friend Amy Jo told me about a vet in the country who does work a lot cheaper than my vet is quoting for his teeth thing.  Sooooo I might call this guy up and ask about it. 

I'm getting ready to apply for grad school AGAIN.  I wonder when I will give up.  I'm applying to Ryerson this time.  For an MA in Media Production.  It's a year long program.

We will see!

Anyway, that's about all that's going on in my life.  I have some emails I have to send.  I went to bed last night at 8:47pm and woke today at 2pm.  That's messed up!  UGH!

Sunday, November 03, 2013

I Won The Lottery! :D

My Mom took me to the store to get my bus pass, and I went to check the lotto max ticket we bought.  I didn't have high hopes, I was like "Oh whatever, we're gonna win nothing like usual!"  But no!  When the ticket checker bleeped it said "$130.70 winner"!!! Ooooooh!  I was amazed, so I signed the ticket and took it to the cash register and the guy validated it and gave me my money and then he said "It's funny, someone else was in here today and they also won $130.70!"

So my Mom and I have agreed for a long time that we would split lottery winnings, so I am getting 65 bucks and she gets 65 bucks and it's all very sweet!  What surprised me was how many numbers we had to get right to win 130 bucks.  Five out of seven numbers!  That's a lot!

I am buying a new Diva Cup with my winnings.  And having some spending money.  Last month was a year with my Diva Cup and I am apparently supposed to get a new one once a year has ended.  It's about time, mine is getting old looking.

Ooooh, I also ordered a new strap on harness that can handle my size, but I did that before I won anything.  It's going to arrive on the 6th supposedly.  I doubt I will get a chance to use it anytime soon, BUT I am following the boy scouts motto of Be Prepared! :D 

Be Prepared for Lesbian Penetration!

Last night I went out with my two friends Daniel and Aaron to the gay bar, Diva's, for some silliness.  AND I think I got cruised by this cute woman with striking eyes, I didn't know what to do so I just kept going.  BUT now I am wondering if that woman is the same woman I saw by the Library a couple months ago?  What if I just keep walking past my future girlfriend?  Maybe one of these days I will smarten up and learn the fine art of cruising AND getting numbers from sexy ladies!

On Friday my friend Kristen and I bleached and dyed bits of our hair pink.  She did sort of highlights for me, so it's a little different than a solid chunk of pink.  I think I want it more magenta-ey though!  I am looking awfully cute!

I had this general expectation that when I hit my thirties I would start having lots of sex, but it hasn't happened.  I think I had that expectation when I hit my twenties too.  And I sort of did have lots of sex but also if I was compared to other people my age I would have been woefully undersexed.  I actually only had a decent amount of sex for maybe three years and then I was celibate for a long time.

I hope my forties look better!  Maybe I will be more confident by then, able to go up to strange women without needing an introduction.  "Why hello!"  Ha ha ha ha!

I'm on this new med that is making me sleep in SUPER hardcore, and also makes me talk in my sleep in great mumbly noises.  Today I woke up at 2pm going "Mmmmnnn, mmmmmnnn, mmmmmmmnn!"  Jeepers!

I'm trying to come up with a plan to move to Toronto in the middle of 2014.  So far I have ascertained that I need $3000, ideally $5000, to cover moving and living for two months.  I'm not sure what I can do.  I applied for an SAB grant, but I haven't gotten results until January, ALSO the money from it will mostly pay for my videos and only $6000 will go to me!  BUT if I can finagle it that would be enough to move.  I'm also going to apply for a Canada Council grant next spring, which I would find out about in August. 

Aside from that my next options are to get a job or crowdfunding.  I'm not entirely sure what to do.  I need a patron.  I need to win more lottery money.  Or a prize for being a good deed doer!

Sunday, October 27, 2013


So Toronto was super fun!  I learned how to pitch and I think I did a pretty good job, even though I didn't actually win in the end.  I saw some really good films, stand outs include Rhymes for Young Ghouls and a short from New Zealand called Abalone.  But there were more good ones than just those two.

I saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen in years, including Louis, Ariel, and Robin!  It was so nice to spend time with them.  Robin and I went out on walking adventures around Toronto and she showed me some neat places including a farm and OCAD which looks like a box suspended on pencil crayons.  I also spent my last day with my cousin Theresa and her dogs Peanut and Porkchop, and we walked around Ryerson where I am thinking of applying for an MA in Media Production.

Louis took me on a shopping trip to Come As You Are where I fussed around and ended up buying a Vixskin dildo named Buck!  I didn't get to try Buck until last night, but it was super good, although I was already half asleep when I was trying to do myself so I ended up giving up.  BUT even though it's easily my thickest dildo it did manage to fit!  I am going to try again when I am less sick and less sleepy and more turned on. 

Which reminds me, I had the worst thing happen to me while I was in Toronto which was that I got a horrible head cold and turned into a mucusy coughy mess.  Travelling with an illness is terrible.  I think I am finally over it, but for at least half of my trip I was feeling generally gross.  I may have given it to Robin too.  Actually I noticed a LOT of people on my FB were battling colds as well, so who knows where it started.  I could have gotten it in Saskatoon and brought it out east.

I also had a screening last tuesday with the 2 Spirit Skillshare and it was really nice, they asked some awesome questions and I was mostly able to give good answers. 

My screening at ImagineNATIVE also went well, people really responded and when I was walking around after people kept stopping me to talk about it.

What else?  Hmmm.  Funny little crushes popped up (okay just one) and it was a little awkward but okay and I think just reiterates that this person is pretty awesome to have in my life as a friend.  So that was nice. 

I really missed Little Mister.  He is a grounding presence in my life so it always feels a little weird when he and I aren't together.  And he is gonna be a geriatric dog next year, so I have to start getting used to the idea that he won't always be around.  BUT he is still a fairly rough and tumble sturdy little guy in super good health except for his teeth, so I think he's got a few more years in him yet. 

In sadder news, Mom took Baby Dora the Corgi back to the breeder because Dora and Hermione, Mom's wiener dog, weren't getting along and they were getting into very violent fights and Mom was worried Hermione would get hurt.  So no more Dora.  Now Mom is waiting a while and then getting another mini dachshund, who won't get bigger than Hermione.  I hope Dora finds a good home, and I miss her already.  She was a sweetie.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


I have tried to write this post three times and I always get too tired and end up going to sleep!  So, basically, what is going on is this: I got into the pitch competition at ImagineNATIVE.  I have to make a one minute trailer and a four minute pitch.  Then I fly to Toronto on Tuesday, get settled.  On Wednesday I go to a six hour pitching workshop and then that night meet up with friends for the Lesbian Haunted House thing.  Then on Thursday is my screening, and Friday is the day I pitch!  I have Saturday off and then Sunday I am going to the awards thingy and find out if I win anything!  IF I do win the pitch competition I get $5000 from APTN, a $2000 certificate from William F. White, a $500 certificate from Technicolor Toronto, a contact at the NFB to talk to about my project, and an ImagineNATIVE backed Kickstarter page to raise more money for my film.  Big smiley face here!  And only four projects got picked for the Drama pitch competition (there is also a documentary pitch competition) so just going by the odds I have a one in four chance of getting the prize, which is pretty decent!

I have to do some taping tomorrow and some editing and then I will get my trailer done.  My pitch thus far is in maybe draft number two.  I'm gonna work on it a bit more.  I read a book about pitching written by a Brit and I have been reading internet articles about it too. 

What else?  Oh, because I am showing a film at ImagineNATIVE I could also possibly win an award for best experimental film.  I hope hope hope I do because then I could get my dog's teeth done, he needs them cleaned before they get too far gone. 

I'm really tired now, so I should go to bed.  I will also say that I have the chance to see a bunch of friends in Toronto who I haven't seen in ages, and I am super excited about that!  Robin!  Louis!  Margaret!  Maybe Shavonne!  We'll see!  I'm so stoked! 

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Demonstrate your Love!

So I forgot to mention, I went to a demonstration last week at Rock of Ages Church against a speaker they had named Wilna Van Beek who was a lesbian who has decided to live a celibate life so that she could be a good Christian and not go to hell.  Basically I think that being a homo and being celibate ON PURPOSE so that when you die some imaginary judgemental god won't send you to the fiery place is kind of a long shot.  I mean, what if there is no God and no Jesus and no reason to live your life without human affection?  Whatever, basically I just think Christians telling homos we can be okay if we give up our chances at loving happiness is sick.

So my task was to come up with a genius sign!  I thought long and hard about it.  I finally came up with one the night before the demo.

For those who can't see the picture, it says All the Lesbian Sex I've Had is part of God's Plan.

It makes me laugh!

Anyway, I have never made a pro gay sign before, because I just never needed to.  It was fun!  I searched for a good one online, but they were all related to marriage, so they didn't seem to fit!


I finally bought my plane ticket for Toronto!  Now it's real!  Now I'm really gonna be there!  I'm stoked!  Tomorrow I will find out about something, so I might have more stuff to do while I am there, fingers crossed!

My Mom won the Lieutenant Governor's Art Award for Saskatchewan Artist last week!  I'm proud of her.  She was stunned when she won!  Now we have a bronze Joe Fafard in the living room!  Exclamation Marks everywhere!!!

I got my SAB grant in today!  It's due tomorrow, so I am one day ahead of the deadline!  I also have to do the travel grant for Toronto's events, I can get it in tomorrow, they weren't taking them until after today.  It's a fairly simple grant, so I should be okay. 

What else?  Little Mister looks good in his Halloween costume!  This year he is going to be a prisoner!  He has a little stripey shirt that says Guilty on it!  I'll post pics on Halloween.

I have no costume yet.  Maybe I should be a warden!

Monday, September 30, 2013


I don't know how long I didn't have much of a sex drive, my libido was gone a LONG damn time.  I might be inclined to say it was diminished significantly for two years.  Anyway, the other day I was on the bus, and I was thinking all these sexy thoughts, memories of things in the past, fantasies of things in the future.  And it was driving me INSANE!  I was missing kissing and sex SO DAMNED MUCH!  I wanted my mouth on nipples and pussies and feeling girls from the inside with my whole hand and being filled up and humping and all kinds of things!  I was going NUTS!

So I was telling my cuz Deanna today "I don't know what's going on with me, I want sex and kissing and it's making me INSANE!" And she said "Maybe your libido is back!"

And I think she is right!

So on one hand I want to be all "YAY!  I am horny hear me roar with wetness too great to ignore!"  On the other hand *womp womp* I am single.  Terminally single.  And there's nobody on the horizon.  I even went to Take Back the Night hoping for some cute girls, but then I felt like a 35 year old OLD person.  So many politically aware girls doing their undergraduates.  And I feel too old for them.  So womp womp. 

I keep scanning OK Cupid and Plenty Of Fish but it's the same folks on there and I don't really get that spark.  Then again, it's hard to tell if there is a spark just from someone's online profile.  You sort of need to meet. 

Anyway, I was hoping to go to Indigo Girls and see a bunch of local lesbians, but I never got a ticket so I am out of luck because it's fricken sold out!  And now I am poor again anyway since I paid my rent, groceries, phone bill (2 months of phone bill), got toiletries, 6 pairs of new socks, an iTunes card, fake beer, and some glow in the dark nail polish.  Tomorrow I should get some cash though, because I wrote an article for a local paper.  I hope!  I also have an honorarium coming up from the University, and GST comes on Friday.  AND I have to get in a travel grant on Tuesday for going to ImagineNATIVE! 

OOooooh!  Maybe I will meet someone in Toronto!  That would be nice!  I could have sex and get all hung up and have longing in my life again!  And skype sex!  Which I have never had so you know, there are always new things to look forward to! 

I'm so tired.  I should go to sleep soon so I can engage in some stress relief before I am too tired to do anything.  If ya know what I mean.

Side note: I have discovered in the past two weeks that my sense of smell has improved since quitting smoking almost a year ago to the point that body odor REALLY bothers me.  I mean seriously.  SERIOUSLY!  Some men are SOOOOOOO stinky!  And some perfume is too rank!  It's starting to make me want to go for a walk instead of riding the bus.  For some reason it is always the bus that is the worst!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Breaking away from Facebook

Today, purely by chance, I was barely on Facebook.  I went on for a little bit later in the day, just skimming over the feed.  But in the morning I read my notifications and then went on with life.  What did I do?  I drove Mum to work, and then I watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black, then I went and picked her up and we went to a terrible Italian restaurant with my gift certificate and got not very great food.  And then we came home and I went on a bus ride and listened to music and then came home and watched the last two episodes of Orange Is The New Black and then I went on Facebook a little bit.  And that was that.  There is life outside of facebook!

I talked about it with Mom at dinner, and how nice it felt to not be on Facebook.  It was kind of freeing, it put me in a much more peaceful frame of mind.  Because to be honest, sometimes things people post on there piss me off.  And it really depends on the day, but like, pictures of animal abuse, or exploded children, or like fucked up shit like that.  Or triggering pictures of weed which make me remember my old friend/foe of addiction.  Or just being ignorant and making me think less of my friends and/or the company they keep.  Sometimes I want to tell friends "Man, the company you keep SUCKS!  You need better filters for who you let in!"  But I mean, it's really not my place to say that.  And plus I am sure they could say the same about some of my more unsavory friends.

ANYWAY, it was nice to have a long period of time away from Facebook, because I am normally on it so much.  I felt like, in control, and peaceful.  And engaged with a different part of the world.  I want to watch more shows on Netflix, I think seeing more movies and television series would help my creative process.  Like how writers need to read lots.  Keeping up.  It's nice to watch a well crafted program.  And it gives me ideas.  And that is more useful than reading someone's drunken rant from the night before, I guess.  I feel like I get caught up in petty shit when I am reading too much Facebook.  So I am going to put limits around my use, kind of wean myself off it but not get off it completely.  Because it does still serve a purpose. 

Oh man, I have to do a grant by the end of the month!  TWO GRANTS!  It's scary!  I need to get that shit together!  If I don't get a grant in January I am going to apply for another grant in March from Canada Council.  I have to think of a good project for that though.  Tomorrow is Concurrent Disorders again already!  I might go to both parts of the group.  I might have the stamina to pay attention for two hours!  Tomorrow we are learning about the Transtheoretical Model of Change apparently.  Who knows what that could be about!?  I'll see what I feel like when I wake up.

I didn't meet anyone in the last two weeks.  My horoscope gave me false hope!  I really thought I would meet someone but the only person who piqued my interest, I just stared at and looked away and never even said hi to!  Sad. 

I'm getting tired.  Dora the corgi chased the mailman yesterday.  She ran straight out the door and over to the next yard and circled him wiggling her little bum in sheer delight.  None of our other dogs have ever caught The Mailman.  She's going down in doggy history!  Little brat!  I threw her into the backyard when I checked the mail today.  Goofball! 

I have some decisions to make regarding my company, and I am fairly close to deciding to dissolve it.  I have to pay 185 bucks to get it back on the corporate registry, and I don't have the money and I also don't think it's worth it.  So I might not do it and ask for my 80 bucks back.  I would have to figure out what to do with the website too.  I don't know, I am really torn.  I need to carefully consider my next moves.  I think dissolving the company might be for the best, because I am not using it and it is just a pain.  Sigh.

I don't know what to do about my gst number either.  Do I have to get rid of it??  I'm confused.  I should talk to someone about this.

What else?  There are things I want to do more of:
Visiting my friends
Calling my long distance friends
Watching tv series and movies
Going for walks
Exercising at the gym

Basically I just want to be overall doing more things.  OH!  Also doing private journalling.  I feel like I could get some personal stuff out of my head if I wrote it down.  I need to do that more.

Well, I guess it is bedtime!

I hope tomorrow is a good day.  I didn't shower today and I feel gross, I can't shower now because it is too late!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Facebooking you all to hell!

Sometimes when I get in a writing mood, I write voluminous facebook statuses.  Well, I mean, not A LOT A LOT!  But more than usual, and then I worry that I am driving people nuts and I realize I want to write a LONG blog and not short little microblogs like statuses.

Anyway, I guess I can tell you my good news!  I am going to Toronto next month for ImagineNATIVE!  Sight is screening there so I am going and seeing friends and after ImagineNATIVE I am screening a bunch of my videos for the 2 Spirit Skillshare and Regent Park Film Festival's screening, artist talk, and reception of my work! :D  Yippee!  And if I can, I might take a couple days to go to Montreal and toodle about visiting friends.  I haven't been in years and years!

Also I found out today that Sight is screening at MIXNYC in November, and that I will be on CFCR on Sunday blabbing about my films.  So that's all really nice.

I hope I win for best experimental at ImagineNATIVE, 1000 bucks would help me out majorly!  But I'm not going to get my hopes up too much.

When I was a nerdling, I had dreams of winning the Science Fair.  I never did.  My projects were too arty not enough sciencey.  It always crushed me.  And schools I went to didn't place much emphasis on Art as a viable skill which should be encouraged, so there was never like, an Art Fair.  I couldn't crush my classmates with my mighty arty hand!  So unfair!

It was kind of cool when I was getting requests from all over the world for my first tape, Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory.  Mom answered the phone one day and this lesbian in Berlin was calling to get me to send a copy to their Lesbian Film Festival.  But my classmates didn't care about my hot property video doing the festival circuit.  They were too busy popping pimples and trying to get laid.  No, I really don't know, everyone had different motivations during high school.  I'm sure some were just trying to survive.  But Aden Bowman wasn't a hostile environment, at least not to my knowledge. Not to me anyway.

It's really late and I should sleep.  It's the weekend yo!  We got the car back today and it looks SUPER nice, all cleaned and fixed and spiffy!  It's way better to drive than that sucky Cobalt loaner we had.  I love our car! Mom's car.  But she lets me drive it almost anytime I want to, which is nice!

What else?  Oh, I have writing to do this week for money for arty things, grants and pitches and that kind of thing.  I have two projects I am trying to get cash for.  Eeeeeee!  Hopefully they both come through and I can be busy all next year making films.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Queen of the Babes!

OMG!  I saw the BABELIEST of Babes yesterday at the Library!  She was walking by with a guy friend and totally made long eye contact with me and I was so flustered I didn't know what to do and I looked away and then we were at the library and I was like telling my mom "Did you see that?????" And she did!  At first I was just staring because she was so clearly queer, but then I kept looking because she was so cute and looking back at me!  Anyway, I am kicking myself for not going up to her and getting her number or anything!  I don't even know her name!  FUCK!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Anyway, I put up a missed connections ad, maybe she will see it?  I'd be super lucky if she did!

I'm going to have to go out even more to queery events and venues hoping to see her!  Take Back The Night is coming up, maybe she will be there.  Also I could go to Divas again.

So anyway, it is really nice finding new people attractive!  It gives me hope!

I'm trying a new bedtime routine.  I took my night meds about half an hour ago and I am also drinking a cup of Sleepytime Tea.  So far I am getting yawny.  Last night I put away my laptop and read Take Me There which is an anthology of trans/genderqueer erotica.  It's pretty hot.  I got to sleep easier reading a paper book than reading things online with a bright screen.  But I still slept in.  BUT it takes a while to get good sleep habits.

I think I will probably sleep soon.

I've been watching Orange Is The New Black.  It's entertaining me.  I know there is a lot of criticism around it, I guess I am just liking seeing queer women having queer sex and queer feelings.  Plus Laura Prepon is pretty hot, I always liked her, way back when she was Donna on That 70's Show. 

I'm applying for jobs again.  There is an admin support job I applied for with the provincial government.  I doubt I will get a call for an interview, but one never knows.  I think I should stop disclosing my minority statuses in that one section.  They always say they are committed to being a diverse workplace, but then they don't call and it makes me think they are looking for whiteys. 

I don't know if I care if I get a job.  Well, the money would be awesome, that's why I want a job, but besides that I might feel trapped and unable to have an art career.  They don't make it easy to take breaks to travel. 

Well, my sleepytime tea is done and so am I!  Time to head for bed!

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

A Change in Seasons is as Good as a Rest

It's now September.  Ding!  Time to get excited about a brand new season, fall!  Named after the falling leaves I assume!  I am actually looking forward to it, the crisp bite to the air, the crunch of the dead leaves underfoot, drinking endless cups of fruity teas, settling in for a good knitting session with a pal, going for walks along a golden treed riverbank with cute girls, baking pies and cakes and so forth because it's not so horribly hot!  I am gonna get to renew my leisurecard this November, which will be super good.  Another year of possible fitness.  I haven't used it much this past year.

What else?  Oh, I dunno, I am happy that summer is over, even though I didn't do a whole hell of a lot.  Spring was exciting because I went to New York, but summer was quiet and except for One Night In Estevan I really didn't go anywhere. 

I have some work to do.  Tomorrow afternoon I am helping a friend with some compression issues.  I have to work on making a video downloadable.  I have to copy some video files onto my computer for editing.  I have to write a travel grant and an Individual Artist Grant by October 1st.  I have to get some videos into the mail.  Being a full time artist involves a lot of work, which some people who aren't artists don't recognize.  It's hard too because you have to be really cognizant of your time and deadlines and stuff, and when you tell friends you have work to do sometimes they don't get it or see it as real work.

I couldn't be a full time artist if I wasn't on disability.  I really don't make much money from my practice, except for the odd occasion when I get a big grant.  Thank god for disability!

I've also got to get working on my book again.  I've only got 64 pages.  I was hoping to end up with at least 200 pages.  300 would be sweet!  It's not going to be a ginourmous book though.  I doubt it will be a best seller, it will be an artists book.  

In the last year of film school we had a class called "Professional Practices" and it was all about applying for grants and writing an artist statement and shit like that, and pitching and stuff, and actually that was probably one of the most useful classes I took.  Sometimes I think I have to apply myself more to my practice and then I would really get somewhere, but then Mom reminds me we live in Canada and there isn't a great deal of money for film.  STILL!  There must be a way to make a living at it.

I would teach but no one wants me in a graduate program so obviously that's out of reach.

ANYWAY!  Enough career blabs.  I have other good news!  As a constant reader of Susan Miller's astrology zone I have finally read a horoscope for the month that says I have a good chance of meeting someone special!  I have to circulate for the next two weeks.  Tomorrow I am going to go to a BDSM munch down the street.  I know it's usually straightish people that are there, but one never knows.  Friday I have to do something, maybe I will go dancing. 

I don't have enough money to take Cree lessons from the University, BUT there are supposed to be free Cree lessons at Oskayak which I am going to start next week.  I am gonna work really hard and aim to have a rudimentary conversation with my Grandpa by the end of it!

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to write.  I am going to go back to skimming this blog for entries to put in my book, and also waiting for this video to transfer to my Flashdrive.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Tattoo! :D

Tomorrow is my Tattoo appointment! :D  Yippee!  I hope it goes well, it has been six years since I've been tattooed.  It's such a little tattoo.  It probably won't take long!  I'm excited.

I finally shelled out 109 bucks of my meager monthly income to get a 1TB external hard drive for storage of extra video files and other stuff.  It's a super sweet little drive, tiny, but big!  I managed to free up 376 GB on my laptop and now I am able to work with a lot more video than before!  Makes me happy.  My computer was so unhappy before, and FCPX wasn't letting me save anymore because there wasn't enough room on the computer!  Which is a major drag when you are trying to finish up a video.

I've got some good news I can't announce yet, but I can stoke you all up for some antici . . . . pation!

I'm feeling more able to fall in love with someone new.  I feel like I am getting out of the rut of unrequited loves that I was unfortunate enough to have.   I'm also appreciating this art of doing nothing yet letting things happen.  I feel like I am noticing opportunities more often, romantic and otherwise.

You know, even though I am always complaining about how there is no one in Saskatoon for me and I have to move away to find love, I think actually that I am wrong.  Over the last few years there have been a number of women I have attempted to court or ended up "hanging out" with and it involved maybe making out or sometimes just sexual tension and maybe it hasn't worked out with anyone yet, but I have felt like I could love at least three of these odd friends.  Which maybe means love can appear anywhere.  I know there was at least one friend that I was really sure I was falling in love with until she suddenly had a boyfriend and that all fizzled out.

But you know, the other problem is that I was also mired in addiction for most of my time here in Saskatoon.  I mean, the sober thing is still relatively new.  It's been over a year without booze, but out of the seven years I have been here, that's not much time.  I wasn't much of a potential girlfriend while I was using.  I was too interested in being high or drunk.  And I was sort of always hungry for substances, like I felt empty without them, which made me really boring. 

+++++++++++++THE NEXT DAY++++++++++++

I got my tattoo! :D  I am so excited about it!  It hurt mostly in one little area, the head of the dolly I was getting tattooed on my arm.  The legs and body and arms were like, a milder pain.  It's funny how tattoo pain changes depending where on your body it is being done.  It's on the inside of my arm too, which is sort of new for me, except for the armbands I have.  Anyway, here is a pic!

It's from two series of drawings my Mom did, "Misuse Is Abuse" and "Living-Post-OKA-Kind-Of-Woman."  She had this little dolly figure who was based off a doll Sky and I had when we were kids.

I wonder what ever happened to the original doll?

Anyway, my tattoo artist was super excited to be doing it and she got the sketchy aspects of it really well.  It's very faithful to the original, which makes me happy.  It's sort of a tribute to my Mom, without being a tattoo that says "Mom."  Mum is really happy with it, we keep looking at it and saying CUTE!  It's nice to know I will carry a piece of my mom's art with me everywhere I go.

I'm really tired, and I have been out all night.  It's almost four am!  OMG!  And I have to show the basement suite tomorrow between 1 and 3!  Cripes!  The pups are all asleep.  I envy them, they never toss and turn, they just lie down and that's that, they are out!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Sober yet mind altering!

So I am trying to get back to what I was doing when my blog was more popular, which is writing essays, and I think I sort of did that in my last entry.  But this post, since I haven't had an epiphany to write about, will probably be more like usual, just blabbing about life.

I was in Estevan this morning, Mom and I went down there yesterday for a closing reception of a group show she was in.  It was nice, but we ate all this road food for the last thirty hours or so and so I got tired of it.  The hotel was nice, we had two queen beds and I had a really good sleep.  I didn't do any driving down, but when we drove back up I drove from Davidson, which is just over an hour from Saskatoon.  Mom stuck her finger in my ear while I was going 110 km an hour down the highway and I was like "Ahhhhhhh!  Don't!"  I'm very inexperienced on highways, it still makes me nervous.

On the way back, just before we went through Regina, we took a detour to Rouleau which is where Corner Gas was filmed.  We got a bunch of pictures of us in front of beloved set pieces like the gas station and the Ruby.  It was fun.  The set was a lot smaller in person than it seemed in the tv show.  They had the Dog River police car there too.  It was super easy to find.  I kind of wanted us to go looking for Oscar and Emma's house, but it probably wouldn't get the same impact as those iconic buildings.  And besides, we were just passing through.

I didn't get the job/residency.  It bummed me out, but also it might be good because then I can concentrate on writing grants, which I have to do.  I would have liked to learn about working with actors, but maybe I can get some books out of the library, I should look at what they have.

I am going to be applying with my Mars project to the Sask Arts Board.  I'm going to do it as a web series though.  I really hope I can get funding, this will be the third time I've tried to get it funded, the first time applying to SAB though.  Canada Council juries rejected it twice.  Which means I can't apply to them again, at least not with this project.

I finally did my final report for Sask Arts Board.  All I have to do now is take it down and drop it off on Monday.  It really wasn't that hard.  I have another report I have to do for Canada Council, for my travel grant to go to Tribeca Film Festival.  Should be simple. 

I'm realizing I need to make a conscious decision to make a living doing my own projects.  Nobody's going to hire me to make a tv series or a movie if I don't just do it myself for a while.  I do get grants sometimes, the trick is utilizing them so that I am constantly learning new skills that are useful down the road.  Like, I need to work with actors, so if I can get funding for a web series, maybe I can hire some actors to work with for a few weeks or something.  And learn!  I don't know how I will make money, but clearly some web series DO make money, so I can look into that.  It's advertising.  Blah!

It's a Friday night!!!  I'm pretty tired, we got up early to come home.  It's my friend's birthday but she didn't invite me out with her to party, so I am staying home and anyway, she would probably just want me for a designated driver anyway and I am retiring from that.  I don't get treated well enough and it's a sucky job because drunks are incredibly irritating.  UGH!  And the bonus of being sober is that you don't hang out with drunks anymore, so why would I?  I do like going to bars, but not like, straight dance clubs.  UGH!  They are the ultimate in tedium.  I'd rather be in a gay dance club or a straightish pub where there are places to sit and food.  AND my friends who drink want to drink until the bitter end, and I'd rather go home around one.  I don't want to be out at two thirty!  BLEH!  So nope nope nope!  No more hanging around with drunks!  I'll hang out with them before they go out drinking!

I did go with my friend Daniel to this pub called State and Main and had some non alcoholic beers tonight, which was nice because we chatted about all kinds of things.  Then we walked through downtown at around 9:10 and it was already sketchy.  We passed a group of about four nine year olds who were smoking weed and exclaiming about the "Good Kush!"  They looked like they came from just over Idylwyld in Riversdale, and they probably stole it from their parents.  My mom pointed out that at least they weren't huffing, or doing IV drugs, which is true, it could be worse.  I thought I was over being shocked by drug use, but drug use, even something soft like weed, among pre-pubescent youth is still pretty shocking to me.

Daniel was asking me if as a sober person, there were things I do that are mind altering, or if all of that is gone.  I started coming up with a list of sober yet mind altering things, like exercise, and meditation, and piercings, and when I get tattooed this next week it will be mind altering, and pain like as in BDSM.  Which I really don't do nearly enough, if at all.  Not at all.  I miss it.  I never had it on a regular basis, it was a pretty special occasion thing, but if I had my way it would be more integrated into my life.

I'm getting tattooed by my Mom's friend's daughter Tramaine on Friday! It's going to be a piece of my Mom's artwork, her little dollies from Misuse Is Abuse.  I'm excited!  It should be a really fast and relatively easy tattoo.  Not as hardcore as getting all those scales done on my dragon.  It's going to be on the same arm as the Dragon too!  Mom likes tattoos because she says they are like warm drawings.  And I do want something for my mom, without just getting something that says "Mom" on it. 

Anyway, that's all she wrote!  She being me!  I have to sleep!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Utopia is Not A Wedding

I was gonna write a blog about being pissed off at some antifeminist fat hating men on facebook using someone's picture to be dickheads, but on the way I was reading some Tumblr and I saw a gifset of Sailor Moon's wedding to that Tuxedo dude, and it hit me.

I was raised by a feminist mother, I was raised by a single mom, I have been to two weddings in my whole life, TWO!  Yet I have been totally taken in by the media's pressure to aspire to a white wedding.  I always toyed with the idea of getting married one day.  When I realized I was a lesbian I switched to aspiring to having a commitment ceremony, until the laws in Canada changed and it was legal to get married.  Then I aspired to a wedding with diamond rings (which are fraught with bad politics!) and I guess a cake and shit like that.  It would be my happy ending, even though realistically it should be a new beginning and the start of something.  But I understand that the narrative arc of even the contemporary woman ends with marriage, EVEN for lesbians.  Maybe especially for lesbians because we have been reduced to being all about Gay Marriage.  Maybe it ends with children, but I never really saw myself as the child raising type.  But yes, I have been suckered into the wedding dream.

I can't even pinpoint when it started.  So many stories of women in pop culture have this be all end all wedding thing show up.  Or the suggestion at a future wedding which will finally bring this girl fulfillment.

And my Mom never had a serious relationship while I was growing up, besides the one with Dad which ended before I can remember.  And I never really put the wedding dream onto my Mom's life, I never thought she would be finally fulfilled when she had a man and walked down the aisle.  She seemed fulfilled without all that junk.  She had a career and her kids and her community and did a lot of work in the art world often voluntarily.  That seemed good enough for her.

But for me, no!  It had to be a wedding!  With people dancing and a cake and a reception and a small service which obviously can't be in a church because Christians are squicked by homos, at least officially.  Maybe in a garden?  Or if I was really daring, during an elopement at city hall, followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii or something.

Ironically, I didn't give a great deal of thought to the kind of woman I wanted to marry.  I mean, I think once in my early twenties I made a list of characteristics I wanted my girlfriend/future wife to have, but I've since then lost the list and also NONE of my girlfriends met all the requirements, even though some of them had serious marriage potential.  I haven't made a list in a long time.  They say it's a good exercise, you learn what you are looking for in a partner at least.

I'm sort of glad gay marriage wasn't legal when I was in my early twenties.  Not to disparage my girlfriends, it's just that I could see us making a rash decision to get married within a week and then having to pay a whole bunch of money to be properly divorced later on.  There was even one really sweet girlfriend who used to call me her wife, and now has a wife, who is not me, and so I sometimes wonder.

I am terrified of divorce.  I am terrified of having to give half my stuff to someone, garnish my wages for alimony, paying over a thousand dollars in legal fees to do the legal equivalent of ripping my marriage certificate in half.  I don't really think all divorces are like that, I just know if I marry the wrong person, I will also be destined to win the lottery just before the divorce and have to give half my winnings to them.  Even though they probably always made fun of me for the "idiot's tax" I was paying and that's just one of many reasons I am divorcing them.

So I probably already mentioned that my psychic said I have one more breakup before I meet The One I end up with for the rest of my life.  She was right about a lot of things, so I feel a little more hopeful that there will be a Forever kind of love in the future.  But it also means I have to earnestly have a relationship with someone and fall in love for real AND be aware that a break up is highly likely AND not marry them foolishly.  Which seems like a tall order.  Like being withholding, which is unfair.  She's been telling me about this next break up for seven years.  And so I kept finding women and seriously thinking "Yes!  I could break up with her!  It wouldn't be so bad!  Maybe it would be bad, but at least all the bad things between us won't be an issue eventually because we will break up!"  Terrible!  I have to stop thinking like that.

I just don't want to get married TWICE!  That seems tacky.  I know it's quite common, it just seems like I want to be really serious when I get married, I want to mean it, I want to be forever!  I want our ashes to be mixed together when we die, and shot out into space to orbit for six months and then burn up in the atmosphere and we will be falling stars over New Mexico or something.  Or Something.  I mean, I'm open to final decisions about our resting places.  I just don't want to end up in the Indian Graveyard that turns into a White Suburb.

My friends have been getting married all over the place.  I often don't have funds to travel to weddings, well okay I would probably never pay to travel to someone's wedding to be honest.  But I see the pictures, and they all seem like good ideas.  Really the most interesting part of weddings is that it's a chance to have a party to celebrate your lurve!

But I have a bad history with parties.  People don't want to come to my parties.  I hope people want to come to my wedding, but I am dubious.

Either way, I think I need to sit down with my feminist values and really contemplate future weddings and if I really want the inevitable let down of post wedding blues, when there are still dishes to wash and dog poop to pick up and hands that go all pins and needles from too much fucking when someone's having a hard time having an orgasm.  Actually that last bit doesn't sound too bad.  I don't mind fucking for a long time to get my partner off.  BUT my point is, it won't be the end of my life, credits won't roll, I will still have a lover who now lives with me and who I have to engage with every day even through the rough times.

I guess then it will just be the sex that keeps us together.  Speaking of which, I really need to get better at fucking, I wish I had more practice.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

writing in a blackout

There is a blackout here.  BLACKOUT!  It’s super boring.  My phone died after providing me with enough Flashlight App to find my little Mister who had disappeared under my bed and was hiding out!  He wouldn’t come when I called him until he saw my light.  And then I held him while he trembled with fear.  Poor tyke!  I guess he doesn’t like power outages, I didn’t realize he was so attached to electricity! 

I’m writing with my laptop, just trying to remember how to have fun with no power.  I could always masturbate, at least my vibrator is charged!  I think . . .  I’m so bored!  Why is the power out?  It’s depressing!  I wonder if it is out at Grandma’s too! 

I got an artist fee today.  That was exciting.  I am getting a haircut tomorrow and also seeing about getting a tattoo.  I hope I get one!  :D  Yeeeeee!  Tattoo prices have gone up since I last got one, by about 60 bucks an hour!  That’s quite the steep jump!  Yikes!

I’m really tired, but I don’t want to go to bed with no power.  The power came on for like, a second, and everything turned on and then turned off again.  It was such a tease!

I saw my psych nurse today, that was alright.  I didn’t have much to say.  Things are good, or could be good, or are up in the air.  I don’t know about that job yet, which is worrisome.

I miss my ex’s posts on Facebook, she deactivated her profile.  It was just nice seeing her name pop up in my feed.  Oh well, maybe she will come back.

What else?  Jeez, this is a long black out.  I don’t understand, if they got the power working for one second, why did it go out again?  What’s going on?  And there were power outages elsewhere in the city earlier today too.  Are they doing rolling blackouts?  That seems ridiculous! 

My eyes hurt.  They always hurt when I put this moisturizer on.  It makes me think maybe I shouldn’t wear it.  Also I am tired.

I miss having power!  We should get a generator if the world is going to hell.  It might help.  I read a depressing article about how it’s way too late to save the world and places on earth are going to be too hot to be habitable by human beings.  And that we are just going to watch ourselves die off basically.   See, and this is why I am not having kids, we’re not giving future generations fuck all to work with!  It’s all because of apathy and soulless corporations fucking over humanity.  They should be charged with crimes against humanity for poisoning the world.  And it also looks like the Pacific Ocean is going to be dead pretty soon because of the radiation from Fuckushima.  Shit!  What a waste!  What have we learned?  Nothing!  We’re just committing suicide and taking everything with us. 

Anyway, bah!  I hate humanity somedays.

Little Mister is hiding in his crate behind me.  Poor guy.  He’s in his Thundershirt and everything,

Crap!  29 minutes left of my computer’s battery.  I’m bummed out.  The power had better come back!  I have barely any time left!

I have a good idea for my next grants!  Yay!  I am pleased about that. 

Where is the power?  What the hell Saskpower??? 

I’m tired of listening to the warning beep telling us we have no power, because it’s obvious we have no power and we don’t need no stupid beep reminding us!

FUCK!  Where is the power!  This is messed up!  It’s been well over an hour now!  And my phone is dead, and the house phone is dead, and my computer’s gonna die, and fuck then what do I do????  ARG!  I’m so bored!  I guess I could go to bed.  But what a crappy night.

Weird, it’s that powwow music again.  Every so often some car comes by playing loud powwow music.  It’s bizarre.  I thought we were the only Indians living in this neighborhood. 

Bedtime.  I don’t want to go to bed in the dark!  I know I am gonna turn the lights out anyway, but pitch black bedtime is weird!  I hate you SaskPower!  You suck!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Diminished Dreams

I haven't heard about the residency yet.  Hopefully tomorrow I will get news!

I had to do some work today and got a thing uploaded and then my Mom was like "Do you want to come for a car ride?  We're taking Grandpa to the doctor and he usually gets in really quick so it won't take long."  And so I go with her and Grandpa and he was at the doctor's for TWO HOURS!  They did take him in quick, but everything they had to do took so long, an xray, a urine sample, it was highly involved!  He's fine he just needs to take some pills for a while.  But oy!  I was sitting there playing with my phone and I got bored on Facebook so I went to Tumblr but my dash was full of naked ladies with their legs spread so I had to go to Twitter and then Savage Love just to have a more appropriate screen.  Awkward!

And then after all that we had to get his prescription filled, and then we had to visit my sister, and then we finally went home!  And I relaxed for a little bit and then I went back to work on my Final Report for SAB.  It's pretty much done!  I just need to make a DVD and make a copy of another receipt and then I am ready to submit it to their office!  So I am gonna work on that tomorrow and take it down to the office.  I also have to do a Canada Council final report, but I have decided not to apply for the Oct 1 deadline because I don't have a project for them yet.  Someday!  Probably in March I will apply again.  Arty business!

I have to write some grants, I am applying for a slightly larger grant from SAB, hopefully I get it.  I'm gonna apply for a web series. 

What else?  Dora the Corgi is getting bigger, and more polite!  Right now she is eating a moth.  Actually she got bored of the moth, she just killed it. 

I have too much of a tender heart for this world.  I hate cruelty, and yet I eat meat.  And I can't NOT eat meat, because I end up feeling sickly when I am just eating everything else.  And I hate reading news and terrible things that happen to animals.  UGH!  It really fucks up my day.  Oddly enough I don't feel so bad about terrible things happening to people, which is really weird.  Animals seem more innocent I guess. 

Little Mister needs his teeth done or he is gonna have to get extractions.  And it's gonna cost me 600 bucks.  Sigh.  I really need a larger income.  Somehow I will have a decent life!  I'll get a big contract to make a movie and make my fortune on the back end when everyone wants to see it and own it and show it. 

The funny thing is I used to have big dreams about being rich and living in a giant house, and now I just want enough money for some really basic things.  Like a condo and a car and to be able to pay for internet and cable and regular bills, and to go on vacations from time to time.  I wonder how I am going to do that.  Sad to see dreams diminish. 

Well, I think I am going to get all the pups to bed and do a tarot reading for my life.  I did one about my love life and now I think I need one for my career, since I am career minded these days.  I hope I hear tomorrow about that job! 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Someday I'll have my shit together

Final reports, so simple, yet the bane of my existence.  If you have ever gotten a grant from your federal or provincial funding agency, at some point you have to write a final report so you can apply for another grant.  A final report just goes over what you did with the money and how it impacted your career and what art you made (unless it was a travel grant in which case you say what screening you went to of which film and stuff).  I don't have problems with most of it, the tricky part is the budget, when you say what you did with the money and how much you spent on what.  Because you have already submitted that when you applied for the grant, and now you have to say the same thing over again.

Anyway, I am looking for my budgeted expenses for Boi Oh Boi which was made with an SAB grant, and I cannot find it.  Not in my email, not in my computer, not in my USB stick Marvin (which I had to use disk utility to repair), and not on Mom's computer.  This means one of two things.  One is that it is on my OLD computer with the broken finder which doesn't bring up things by name like it's supposed to.  OR I wrote it down into the paper copy of the grant and now it only exists at the SAB office.  Which is sadly the most likely option.  I have a really bad habit of doing that. 

So I guess I have to make up a budget that is approximate to what I applied for.  OMG!  I forgot to budget for living expenses!  THAT's where my money went!  Jesus christ!  I can't believe I forgot about it! If I had my budget I would see that right away!  Pfft!  Okay, I think I'm gonna be fine. 

I have to confess writing about struggles with final reports kind of bored me and in my distraction I ended up doing some minimal editing on Just Dandy, which I haven't had time to sit down and really chop away at.  I have had time, but people keep wanting attention.  I need to be a more strict and mean artist and say "Go away I am working!"  Instead people ask me to give them rides or visit or stuff.  Sigh!  And then Mom will go to the grocery store and I will want to ride in the car.  Easily distracted.  I need to be more dedicated to honing my craft and my artworks.  Maybe I should get really crazy one night and drink two litres of coke and edit all night, like I used to do in film school.  Actually that's a lie, the school closed at 3am.  And I couldn't go back until 7am.  But believe me, I was there when it closed and I was there when it opened.  And slowly going crazy at the same time.  Hypomania multitasker.

I'm kind of sleepy now, I don't think there's going to be a crazy night of editing.

I had an interview today!  I think it went really well.  I have high hopes.  I will hear on Monday if I get the residency.  He said it doesn't pay well because it's a mentorship opportunity, but he said it pays enough to survive.  I hope I get more than I am making now!

What else?  Making a video.  Writing a report about the last video I made.  Also another report about going to Tribeca Film Festival.  Then when those are done and mailed off, I have to write possibly three grants, one of which will be a travel grant, for two funding bodies, about two projects and one presentation coming up.  It's gonna be insane.  I'm gonna be so busy!  I need to get my shit together fast, Oct 1st is the deadline for the grants, the travel grant I have to do right away.  Ahhhhh!  Here's me going "Ahhhhhh!" and waving back and forth with a swirly behind me sucking me into a vortex of art hell. 

I need money.  I hope I get money soon.  I need fall shoes and a haircut and Little Mister needs his quarterly shave.  And I owe Mom money from the car accident and Little Mister's vet visit. 

Blah.  I have been dreaming about someone and it's really goofy.  I'm trying to ignore it.  I had a dream I had to choose between a hysterectomy or death, so I chose death and the doctor gave me a pill I was supposed to take on a specific day so I would die, and I was preparing for it and getting my affairs in order and then I realized my ex would cry for me because we had a thwarted kind of love and now nothing would ever happen and so I changed my mind and got a hysterectomy instead.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT??????  She doesn't care, she wouldn't cry if I died, and she was the one who thwarted our love in the first place so it doesn't matter.  I think she is just this convienient stand in for anyone I've loved.  It is so ridiculous. 

About the hysterectomy, I am worried I will have to have one.  I have terrible fibroids and it causes massive bleeding and I didn't like the birth control so my next option is an ablation but I'm concerned in the end I will need a hysterectomy anyway.  And I've heard rumours that orgasms aren't as great when you have no uterus.  Which concerns me.  I am very pro orgasm you know!