Wednesday, December 26, 2007


This Christmas I got the stupidest present ever.

My sister gave me three fake pears. And that was it. What the hell?

I gave her bath bombs, that's way better than a fake pear.

Tomorrow night is the big tobogganing party.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the terrible crazy break up and heart break.

It was with my first true love too, which made everything way more intense. Plus I haven't had strong feelings for someone in a long time.

And she also happened to be an exceptional kisser.

When she kissed me the whole world fell away. It was just that kind of a kiss. And she was just amazing, totally smart, funny, kinda morbid in a cool way. I really did have serious hopes about her. We just fit really well together.

I miss her. I would've married her.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

So Thirza's Back

I had an excellent conversation with my friend Robin who said I was a hot butch and did I really think seriously about this and I dunno, I started talking about my doubts. Like, the breast thing, that nipple issue, it was enough to put me off. She was talking about how masculinity can live in a female body.

I guess that's what Shawna meant too, she told me about women who take on masculine pronouns but are still women. I'm not sure. Life's pretty confusing.

Besides, I kind of like being a girl. I don't know how to explain it. I love that I contradict myself over and over. Like, you would not believe how sexy this bra I'm wearing is.

I don't know what else to say about the gender switch, but I do like being a butch. I think there's something inherantly comfortable to me being butch. I just like it. I don't know why. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it, but I haven't been harrassed since I was in high school.

Of course, I lived in a big city for nine years.

The Vancouver Years. I miss them. I don't miss being hungry though.

So life is ticking along. It's almost Christmas. And it seems like September was only yesterday. I'm going tobogganing with my cousins at Diefenbaker Hill at night sometime soon.

I still miss the girl I went crazy on. Fuck I hate going crazy. Oh well. Heart break happens.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I think I'm finally getting over my depression. It's taken me a long time. I was so depressed. Oh my god. It was agony. But now I'm doing way better.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Grad Skool, Residencies

It's been hard recovering, but it's been harder to try and put some meaning on my life. Feeling that life is meaningless leads to depression, and suicidal thoughts. I know I have potential, but I don't feel like I have been living up to it.

Of course I've also applied for two grants, but I haven't heard back if I have gotten them or not yet.

Anyway, I needed to give myself some new goals. So now, besides applying to CFC's Directors Lab, I'm also applying to UBC and York to do my MFA. And I've decided that I have to apply for two residencies as well, one in Canada and one abroad, or in the US. SO THAT"S MY NEW GOAL1

Goals are important to have I think. I'm generally unhappy with my current lot in life, I have no girlfriend, I'm bummed out. I need a change. My life needs something drastically different. So grad school, residencies, yeah, that's about right.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

It's been a year now since I saw UFO's, two of them, in an event that scared the living shit out of me. Life is pretty boring right now. I never saw them again. And now I'm just recovering from recovery. I started a part time job doing phones. I swore I would never do phones again, but I don't mind the work and I'm good at it.

Things in my life are pretty quiet.

Thursday, November 08, 2007


I haven't blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn't die. It's been a long time anyway.

I've gotten stuck in a rut. I don't know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it's own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that's the most they can hope for and it's the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There's this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I'm still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom's every day. But then I've always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I'm depressed because I haven't been writing. Mostly I've been thinking, about this new journey I'm on to become a man. Life's weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I've been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother's house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that's my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I'll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I'll be so relieved, then I'll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I'm not even mildly interested in anything. I'm totally stuck. And I'm not sure how to improve my life because I'm not sure what it is I'm missing. It's like I've zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It's gross. But I know I'm just missing something in my life.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Post Mania

Mania sucks ass. If you don't believe me, ask any bipolar person. It's embarrassing, like having a big mental shit all over the place. I'm so glad it is over.

I'm still looking for places to live. I saw one really nice apartment and put my name in, haven't heard back yet. I hope I get it though, it's just scuzzy enough to fit my tastes. I mean old, it's in a really old building, which are the kinds of buildings I prefer.

What is it about an old building? I used to think I wouldn't like them because of ghosts. But in truth, I've never had a ghost issue while I've lived in an old building. I did once have a poltergeist issue with a roommate of mine, she just always attracted that kind of energy. And I saw stuff move around while she was abouts, which was always kind of creepy. Not to disparage her, she's pretty cool, but poltergeists, ai ai ai! Messy rude things.

Enough about ghosts, how am I?

Well, I'm still getting better in increments. I'm still excited and waiting to get on hormones. I'm not sure when it will happen, it seems to involve a lot of waiting time to see people, beyond when I'm finally officially stabilized in the eyes of my doctor. I think she's waiting for me to be less depressed, which is slowly abating. In truth I don't think I'm depressed so much as bored. Not working has been boring. Tomorrow I start at this psych rehab place for eight weeks, I think it's a lot of group activities and so on, but I'll be getting out with other people which is good. I have also started applying for jobs again, although my EI doesn't run out for nine months. But I think I'd rather be out in the world than stuck at home on EI.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Cause you're always putting me down . . .

That's from a Cranberries song line. I like it, because it's so generalized. You're ALWAYS putting me down. ALWAYS. Without fail.

Anyway, I am working on a grant right now to make a short film based on a short piece of prose I once wrote about vampires, it will probably only be a three minute film. Film! I'm going to shoot it on a bolex and edit on a steenbeck. It should be ridiculously fun to make. I haven't touched celluloid in quite a while!

I just deleted my maniac blog, which made me feel really happy. I hate havin to delete blogs, but this is the second maniac blog I've deleted in my life. I sense a pattern. And that makes this, I guess, my post maniac blog, which is what Fit of Pique was for so long.

I'm kinda proud of fit of pique, and I kind of miss it, but I'm glad to be moving into a different territory. This one I'm assuming will be about trying to get Bunnyhug made, and making different shorts, and stuff like that. I'm working on a short and a longer project. The longer project is about coming out as trans and so on. I'm hoping it turns out well.

I have an apartment to look at tomorrow, which is exciting because I really really really want to move. It's a studio apartment and I can have my cat there, which is also good. I'm waiting to live with my dog again for when I move into this rainbow co-op housing. I dunno what else to say in this blog. I'm still getting better by increments. I was kind of down this morning, but I'm quitting smoking, so that could be it. Because I'm always putting me down . . . Actually I got a budget done for one of my projects, so I am happy about that.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


I found out that I am not getting that place in October or November, I guess the guys living there decided to stay. Unfortunately there is a housing crisis here in Saskatoon, which means things are a little lean on the home front. My mom's going to be keeping my dog until I get into a housing co-op, which has a waiting list of about a year. I feel bad for having to leave my dog behind, but he's pretty happy here, and I'll visit him all the time.

I finally wrote my final report for Canada Council for my screenplay, now all I have to do is throw it in the mail. yay! That means I'll be able to write my next grant, for XX Marks The Spot, a look at gender and the genome, and my homelands.

Aside from that I am just struggling with a mild depression. I am wondering if people can die from boredom. According to the sign at the bin, boredom is a choice. Who would choose it though?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Here in Banff

Well I'm here in Banff for the Interactive Screen 0.7. Last night someone got accidentally hit in the head with a video projector. All I can say is dude, that totally sucks! I'd feel so guilty if I accidentally hit someone in the head with a large heavy object like that. The projector was okay but he still has a headache and some neck pain.

I'm working on my dangerous bird project, I've been having issues with it, but I think it finally makes some sense now. It's not so complicated as I thought it would be. I want to go take some pictures out at Cranberry Flats when I get back to town.

I'm thinking I want to go see the St. Louis Ghost Train when I get back too. I don't know when. But I went last summer and was disappointed, so I want to go again and see if it makes any sense this time. Anyway, yeah.

My transitioning is weird, I am supposed to wait for myself to stabilize, but I feel pretty stable right now. Hmm. Recovering from a manic episode sucks ass man. I'm glad the rough parts of it are over though.

Anyway, I think I might deek into the dining hall and eat early, so that's where I'm headed now.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Having the time of your life . . .

Stoned love . . . I'm supposed to quit pot, but I don't wanna. I guess it's my one weak spot in the armour, but I can't help it. Everyone needs at least one vice in order to be a fully rounded member of society in my view. Unfortunately I also have the vice of smoking, which is an unruly, expensive, smelly habit, with little to no redeeming value. I had quit for a number of months until I ended up back in the bin.

I don't know how to describe smoking and being in the bin. I think it's really difficult to quit in that kind of situation, because it's often the only socially acceptable behaviour that everyone can agree on. Plus at the bin I was in, it was the only excuse to leave the ward and go stand by the river in nearly idyllic surroundings. You would not believe the number of smokers in the bin.

But the nice part about smoking is that it was a chance to bond with fellow patients. Leaving the judgemental gaze of the nurses was nice, and people could swap tips on how to get out quicker.

I got released MOSTLY because I was ready to be released, but also partially because there was a looming strike vote among the social workers and pharmacists, and they needed people out as quick as possible. For a brief time, the only requirements for release was that you had somewhere to sleep. I remember one fellow patient telling me "I prayed to God so hard that they would strike!" They didn't strike, but they did go from having 30 beds to having 10, and that was extreme. Luckily I was ready to leave.

Recovery from a manic episode takes a long damn time though. I keep feeling better with each week that passes, but it's hard. I do notice a difference though, as time slowly ticks by I have more energy, slightly more optimism. I don't know how to explain the humiliation that happens after each episode abates, but it's crushing. Luckily for the most part I can forget it, except that I ruined an awfully lovely relationship of sorts with an awfully lovely person, and that it probably what still haunts me today. I don't know how to get over that.

Don't bogart that joint my friend . . .

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Encounters with the Unknown

it's a nice calm Sunday morning. I'm drinking coffee and reading Facebook. I don't know why I get addicted to these sites except that it's nice reading about my friends. I've decided to apply for the directors lab at the Canadian Film Centre in Toronto. I think I need a chance to work on my directorial skills. Sometimes I'm not too sure about them, but I know if I got more training I would have it down pat. So far I've only directed my friends and myself, so a little more work on my skills would be good.

In less than a week I'll be at Banff, working on a new project, Dangerous Bird. It's kind of a funny ode to the war on terror, with a cryptozoology twist.

I've been seriously considering joining a local ghost hunting group, on the paranormal end of things. I've been wanting to join one for ages. All I know about ghost hunting I learned from Yvette Fielding! Seriously though, I've had way too many encounters with the unknown to dismiss ghosts. I think poltergeists are the scariest ones I've run into. They are so crabby. Anyway, it would also be a good chance for me to meet more people in this town, which is something I need to do. I'm glad to notice I'm steadily expanding my repetoire of friends here in Saskatoon. I really didn't have too many before.

Transitioning to a guy is a funny process. So far it's been getting people used to my new name, the pronouns are taking a while to come to people's lips though. I'm doing good but I'll be glad when the FTM group starts again. I need to have some support in this. I dunno. It's good to have support groups for this kind of stuff. I'm excited about starting hormones although I don't know when it will happen. Sometime in the next year I guess. It's irritating having to wait, but I'm glad I'll be stabilized when it starts. I have no idea how moody I'll get. But that one shot I had didn't make me feel like, ragey or moody or anything. In fact, I felt perfectly normal.

Maybe that's how my transition will be. Just normal. I hope so. Testosterone: An Encounter With the Unknown.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I'm sitting in my mother's basement scratching my brains for some new information to put here. Well, in a week and a bit I am heading off to Banff for Interactive Screen 0.7. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, except that it will be fun and I will get to work on a new project. There are a lot of panels and so on, so it should be exciting, I hope. There's rumours that it's the hot place to go in Canada for sex, but I dunno, my sex drive is pretty pitiful these days.

We just got through some record heatwaves and I really noticed how they affected my mood, I got all depressed and listless and felt hopeless. Some of that is due to my housing situation, and now a new situation in regards to my finances. I'm feeling pretty good but not good enough to work, and my illness benefits with E.I. are coming to an end. This means I have to get a letter from my doctor saying I'm ready to go back to work or I have to go on Social Assistance entirely until I move in October, HOPEFULLY. I say hopefully because the worst case scenario is that I can't move until November. Everything seems so up in the air right now. And I'm still waiting for my doctor to decide I am stabilized enough to get on hormones. That could be a few months still.

Not to mention I am getting packer envy. I really want a Mr. Right packer, and that's not going to happen for a while yet. I also really want a chest binder and that's in the works for later on when I can find a talented seamstress who is up to the task. I asked my friend Megan but she was non-commital, which makes sense since she's really busy these days. It will happen, I know.

And one more month until the FTM group gets going again. LIFE IS WEIRD> I'm missing having a proper working keyboard for my computer in case you were wondering. Sometimes it goes to all caps for no reason.

I've decided to apply to the CFC for the Director's Program, which is about five months. I'm thinking I should do SOMETHING, and they want you to have a feature screenplay for it. The tuition is a fair chunk, but I think my band will cover it.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Be an artist and see what happens

Things have been weird around here. My cousin got beat up by some random strangers, and it kind of freaked me out about the issues of random violence here in Saskatoon. It's pretty funny too after living in the Downtown Eastside for a year or whatever. Big City random violence hasn't happened to that many people I know. I got beat up once in Saskatoon, it scared the shit out of me. I mean, I just don't understand people who hit.

Or yell. Yelling wigs me out. Especially at children.

In Indian families cousins are like sisters and brothers. And all my cousins are pretty cool, now that they are older. I feel particularly bad for my one cousin though who got beat up because he was trying to clean up his act.

I think I've reached a turning point in my life. Being in a care home has given me the chance to leave the house with as many different people as possible, so I'm actually getting a bit of a life. And the NMAI is putting up a Close Up on me on their website, which will be cool. And I'm going to Banff soon, which will be fun. I need to go be an artist and see what happens.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Wetigo Hunter

I just wrote the first two minutes of The Wetigo Hunter. I feel like maybe I sped things up a bit, faster than they should be. It's hard writing the first two minutes, I want it to be perfect. It opens with a character called Erika, a vampire. It's pretty hot. She has a transgendered lover she feeds on, pretty kinky stuff!

I like screenplay writing. This one I think I will write in my spare time while I do my documentary. If I can get my screenplay produced I will have access to Greenberg funding for screenplay writing. Mostly it's also a good idea to have screenplays written for the next time people ask "What are you working on?" Especially when I get Bunnyhug produced. I like how Bunnyhug turned out, I'm really happy with it, and that's a good thing. There were times when I was just pissed off at it, it wasn't turning out the way I wanted, parts of it didn't jive with other parts, etc etc. It was definitely a learning process.

Finding a producer is rough so far though. I feel like I don't know any! Although my uncle is a producer. Bunnyhug could be, like, the landmark aboriginal comedy!! About survival through poverty and madness! You never know!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Weight Loss

One unusual and hopefully permanent trend is my weight loss. Back when I was on Zyprexa I packed on about 60 pounds, ugh! Not that fat is bad, just that it started to get really hard on me physically and what with having to buy newer and bigger clothes all the time.

Now I'm down about 30 pounds, and I seem to keep losin weight. The drugs I am on are rumoured to cause weight gain, but right now I seem to have plateaued into baggy jeans that are practically falling off my body. It's a nice change I must admit, I just hope it doesn't go back towards fat because I don't think my reduced budget will afford me to buy new clothes.

Unfortunately it also means my breasts shrank, which is good on the trans front and not so good on the fact that I spent $300 on new bras.

In truth, I like my new improved body, it seems to fit me better, I like being able to see my toes again. And I hope hope hope that I don't pack on weight like I did the last tim on these kinds of meds.

crazy sucks

It sucks going crazy. I think one of the nicer things about bipolar disorder is that it doesn't make one crazy forever. In fact there are LONG stretches of sanity that extend for years even. But going crazy, fuck it sucks. I hate it. I especially hate the dreary energy loss I have right now. want to just go straight back to bed, but instead I am having a coffee and trying to go on with the day.

Last night I spent 55 minutes standing in line for the new Harry Potter book, which I have and assumed I would speed read. Instead I am slowly perusing it and writing here.

It's nice to be blogging again though. I missed that. I also missed writing, it's been nice to be writing my screenplay again. And now I'm writing another one!!! It starts with a party in a country house, when a piercing scream shatters the marijuana riddled peace of some rural kids
. . .

Friday, July 20, 2007

Life's like that

That is the sexiest video ever!!! There's a program you can get where you can make videos like that. think it's called Rotoshop, if I remember it correctly. It's based on an old timey animation process called Rotoscoping where you paint or draw over live action footage. I've always wanted to try it but Linklater's film company uses it exclusively and always will, or at least until he's done with that type of film work.

Anyway, this is really my celebratory post because yes, I finished that screenplay finally, and I'm so glad! I've been working on it forever and I think I am really proud of it. It achieved what I wanted it to anyway. I have to fix the beginning though, because I used an older version of my screenplay to finish and I forgot to put on the beginning, oops! Next I'm doing a documentary, as I mentioned before, and I'm also going to be working on my next screenplay, about some vampire lovers. I've always wanted to do the sexy vampire movie, but with like, a message besides "Doesn't this look hot!" One where the vampires were the protagonists, like really sexy hot vampire protagonists, with ethics about their feeding and so on. That being said, it's still going to be a bit of a horror film. I was thinking one of the vampires would be like the bottom, but an immortal bottom, and so in a symbiotic process they both need each other in order to live. And then there's a killer. And then there are also some drunken wetigo hunters who start persecuting the vampires, and this question hanging through the whole film of "Is there really a wetigo somewhere around here?" And maybe the vampire starts turning into a wetigo and so they have to stop the process. I dunno. It's going to be complex.

The screenplay I just finished is pretty good though. I wanted a love story about madness. I think it works. It's funny though, it's REALLY funny, and that's a good thing, because it has to be a bit of a complex feel good. Because you know, movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Girl, Interrupted, are about SANE people stuck in looney bins, like that kind of trauma is okay for crazy people but not for these clearly sane people. And so I wanted to make the point that even for crazy people, some aspects of psych ward treatment are NOT GOOD! Like restraints. Restraints are dehumanizing.

I got sexually assaulted in the psych ward the first time I was in there, it was harsh. I'm pretty much healed from it now, but then it took over four years to get over it. Sometimes life's like that.

Issues and Tissues

Probably the worst thing about a manic episode is the memory loss. I totally forgot my password to my old email address, and rather than trying to remember it again I am just using a new one. All my distributors have it which was the main important thing, and then my friends are slowly finding out my new one care of Facebook. Thank god for the name change option on Facebook. I did a coming out where I gathered up as many people as I knew and then changed my gender and then changed my name. The Canada Council knows my new name too now. So all that's left is for me to go and do a legal name change. I'm not sure what to do with my middle name. I'm not switching Jean into Gene, that's for sure. I don't like how Gene looks. Sorry Gene. No Sarain Gene Cuthand for me, although the genetic irony of it is kind of funny. I think I will just go with Sarain Cuthand. Period.

Speaking of periods, that's one thing I WON'T miss. I'm just washing up some spotted laundry right now and thank god. I hate periods, not on other people, just my own. So messy! So expensive. It costs like, nine bucks worth of pads every time I have my period. Think of all the landfill the millions of women in Canada use just for period products! Not to begrudge women, who after all have to pay for all that soon to be landfill. There are reusable period products though, but I never got it together to do that kind of thing.

There was this one weird part when I was really crazy where I had total empathy for every living thing. I guess you could call that enlightenment but it was fuckin' intense. I didn't even want to swat mosquitos because I felt their pain too much. It's hard for a meat eater to live with. I guess I should give up on Buddhism because the bacon calls my name. I can't help it, I love bacon. I love bacon in the morning with blue berry pancakes.

One birthday I decided to make myself crepes, I think I turned 22 or something, and I decided I had to have ONE foolproof recipe for when I had a femme lover. So I made myself crepes and mimosas for breakfast that birthday, blueberry mango crepes. They were divine! I love crepes. Anyway, yes, I did get to use that recipe for a lover one morning, back when I was dating Amber Dawn, the Uber Femme. She was most appreciative. She made me gnocci in return, which was so good.

There's something nice about making food back and forth between lovers, it's intimate in a way that goes along with sex very nicely. Kind of like "well, we've been inside each other THAT way, now let's be inside each other THIS way." I don't know how to describe it.

I think I'm getting that ugly duckling feeling every trans person has their first year. I know I'll make a cute boy, I'm excited about that, but at the same time I feel sad and worry I won't find someone who will want to be with that cute boy. Apparently this feeling is really common. Sadness!!! Then again, I am also just out of the hospital and sad about a weird thing that happened between myself and someone I was intimate with at one period in my life and anyway, yeah, it just makes me sad all around.

I don't want to say too much about it, just that it turned out we both had one particular kink ever since high school and it looked like it might happen, then I fucked up and went crazy!!! Anyway, I still have this moose she gave me in high school. When I turned eighteen. I shouldn't say I have it actually, For whatever weird reason I lent it to Adrian Stimson and he's been so busy I haven't been able to get it back yet until he returns from Calgary.

You know, the hospital really wasn't so bad this time around. Sharing a room for two months sucked though, and I am sharing a room again in this home. I shouldn't have to tell you why sharing a room sucks. I might be going to another home that does more proactive work in getting people back on their feet, but that depends on a lot of things, like if they will have space for one thing.

The snoring drove me spare one night. I have since acquired some ear plugs in case it happens again. And this time she used toilet paper but instead of putting it in the toilet where it rightfully belongs, it went into the trashcan BESIDE the toilet. EW!!!! That was just gross. and in the middle of the night she turned on a faucet and then left it running and went back to bed. I'm going to be so glad when she moves out at the end of the month. This is the same woman who took my medication AND her own one night. I can't believe it! She's so dotty, I think she must have dementia on top of whatever her issue is.

It's true, we all have issues, but please put the tissues in the appropriate receptical.

God I'm a fag!

I'm actually waiting for my doctor to decide I am stabilized mood wise for testosterone. It's kind of like going through a cross between puberty and menopause, so waiting is a good idea in terms of mood.

It seems there is an FTM group that has regular meetings, but not in the summer. So I'm also waiting for Fall to arrive so I can start attending.

I also got a scholarship to go to the Banff Centre for the Arts this spring to work on a web project with video, so I am waiting for the middle of August to go off and be a professional artist instead of a professional nutter. And I have to write up a profile for myself for the Santa Fe screening, so that's happening too. And basically I am also waiting around to find out when I can move into my new place this fall, which means I am also waiting around to find out when I need to put up a poster at the Avenue centre for a roommate. Whew! It's a lot of waiting. Tonight I am waiting to go to the Harry Potter launch at McNally Robinson. I look sort of like Harry Potter, which is the funny part. I don't know, I even have a scar on my face that I got when I was a baby, it was a slip during a caesarean section. I think I spelled that wrong. If I was up to my old self I would go and spell check that but I'm not.

I hated the idea of going into a care home, for a lot of reasons, but now I am kind of relieved I'm in one, for now, just because I realized how exhausted I am from being in the hospital. No way would I be able to do simple things like feed myself on time and do the laundry and clean, which is basically what I get being in the home. I'm not traumatized from the hospital this time, which is REALLY good. I was super traumatized in Montreal and this time I mostly had to deal with the shock of returning to the regular world. After a while you get used to relying on nurses and orderlies to tell people to be nice, and then suddenly it's over, and you have to rely on the kindness of strangers, to borrow from Miss Dubois, in order to get through the world. No more being able to wander up to someone and say "That person is bothering me."

That being said, no one is bothering me, except for the day I went to Bare Ass Beach with my Aunt Lori and someone started throwing around firecrackers. Even nine years of Vancouver Halloweens still doesn't prepare me for trying to laze around in mid summer with firecrackers going off.

Then again Vancouver Halloween firecrackers have the leg up based in context. Everyone in Vancouver just KNOWS that firecrackers and fireworks go off on Halloween. It's just a local tradition, and for as long as I lived there that's the way things were.

Saskatoon still, to me, anyway, has this uncomfortable element of surprise. You're never really TOO sure what will happen in Saskatoon, even though from the outside it seems like a same old kind of small city. Like the lights outside of town, I mean, what the hell were those? Someone suggested they were nature deities of some sort, which I can believe. And the incredible amount of ghost stories I have heard in this city are phenomenal. There's something strange afoot in this town.

But what this city really needs to go on the map is a major film festival. Yorkton's been running for ages, but Saskatoon really should have some kind of festival. I am trying to start one, but I'm pretty exhausted right now. And what with trying to find a producer for my film AND recovering AND transitioning AND applying for a big ass grant to do a documentary on my transition While charting the migratory roots of my genome, well, what's a boy to do?

My mental health team are pretty impressed with how I'm coming along though, apparently I am recovering fairly fast. It's the energy that I miss though. Not manic energy, just enough energy to get through the day, I keep napping, I don't have much energy to go for walks or even play basketball. I'm losing weight though, which is a good thing. I have to wear a belt all the time and I'm going back to old pants that didn't use to fit me.

Once I had to give away a pair of Gaultier pants because I didn't fit them anymore, and I just about DIED! They were Gaultier!!! God I'm a fag.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Being Sarain

It's been odd this summer, to come out in such a public way. And yet I kind of think all trans coming outs must be sort of like this, if you are lucky enough to live among queer people already. The manic episode did nothing but fuel my confusion, only to see the whisps of madness fade away until I realized, yes, I am a man, and needing to do something about it as soon as possible.

Unfortunately the referral to the hormones doctor is rumoured to take up to six months. The recovery time from this episode could take another few months. And the saddest news of all, my new apartment won't be ready for me to move in until October or November. Which means I'll be living in this care home for another two and a half months at least. Ai ai ai!

I've grown comfortable though with the pronouns, the he him his stuff. I'm still using my packer and still feeling okay with it, although I still want to upgrade to a silicone softy one. My dog still loves me and that is good.

Actually a lot of people are really supportive of me right now and that is really nice. I've been finding some old friends on Facebook and then basically people I haven't seen but know. Right now I'm up to 139 friends, which is a big relief because sometimes I forget I have friends.

One of my best friends is sick right now and her auntie just died. I wanted to go visit but I would have to take public transport and I only have two bus tickets left. I'm planning to use them to go get my discounted bus and leisure pass. It's been a weird summer.

The doctors and nurses keep harping on marijuana being bad for me. I've been pretty much sober ever since the hospital, which might be why I'm recovering so fast. At the same time it's pretty hard to imagine life completely devoid of pot. I miss it, a lot, but I know it's better to get some time away from what thoughts made me all paranoid and whatever. I'm thinking really clearly now, although a bit depressed. French and Saunders on Youtube are entertaining me though.

Anyway, off to bed I go, to re-read "What they did to Princess Paragon" which is the most funny book for summer reading. I highly recommend it.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Visit with Psychiatrist and Community Mental Health Nurse

So I'm supposed to get referred to another psychiatrist to deal with my trans issues. Apparently my shrink is better suited to the bipolar aspects of me. On that front apparently I am recovering really well, my sleeping is supposed to be pretty normal and I am getting used to my medication. I'm going to A Bipolar Education Group and I'm also supposed to be finding out about starting a psychiatric rehab day program, which would give me something to do in the days. I've been pretty wiped out frm my manic episode, as one can imagine. I lost 30 pounds in the space of a month or something, which is kind of good but kind of not. I get 130 bucks a month spending money while I live in this mental health approved home, and that can't pay for new clothes. I smoke again, which is also bad because it wipes out some of my money for other fun things I could be doing instead. Luckily this is all a temporary situation. LUCKILY since for the rest of the month I'm bunking with an elderly schizophrenic woman I've secretly dubbed Poo-Television Lady, since she can't seem to grasp the concept of where to find the toilet paper and believes everything on the television is really happening. Especially troublesome since one of the other bipolar women in the house is addicted to Turner Classic Movies.

Ted Turner also has bipolar. I'm telling you, WE RUN THE FREAKN WORLD! now you know why everything seems insane!

Anyway, my mum found some of my old shorts and the one that fits my new bulge the best is ironically a total girl's pair of shorts. They look butch but the label says girl something on it. Or SOMETHING GIRL> hey, that could be a new label!

And on the catwalk, capri's by Something Girl, pret a porter.

I do my little turn on the catwalk.

I should go, I have to get back to internetless land and weather sharing yet another night in the room with Poo-Television Lady.

I'm used to poop because of my sister, but that still doesn't make it fun. No scatplayer here!

Oh yeah, anyway the nurse and the pdoc both think I'm doing well for how extremely manic I was. I think I'm doing well too.

One of the funnier things I said when I was crazy was that my Ex, Velveeta, was going to show a video of my asshole contracting and expanding at the Whitney, and that it was called Story of the Eye and it was about George W. Bush. I was an asshole really, but I still think that was the funniest manic myth I spun.

There really is a video of my asshole in the possession of One Velveeta Krisp. We shot it at ECIAD in 2001. She denies it's mine, apparently it's just meant to be The Anonymous Asshole.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and being trans

If you don't know who Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is, she wrote all about the emotional stages of dying and death. Being trans isn't about dying, but the idea is triggered in my head that it is a type of death of sorts. I think maybe shedding a skin is a better idea of what it feels like.

Ever since I have finally for sure for sure come out as a man, things have really changed and I've realized I have a lot to discover about myself. For one thing, I'm coming out as a bisexual man. THAT is quite the turn from being a lesbian. Also I've got to say, I'm still more attracted to women than to men, which brings up all kinds of bad feelings the queer community seems to have about bisexuals. It's an entirely different set of identity issues which I have to deal with now, like getting a new deck of cards.

And yet I never felt that I fit in as a lesbian. I fit in as butch, and that's totally a different thing because that's more about gender presentation than sexual orientation. I was always getting weird looks about why I identified with and was attracted to bisexual women more than other lesbians.

That all being said, the lesbian community was a great place to grow up in, especially in the 90's. I don't know why. Maybe because that's when a huge wave of transgendered activism and art suddenly poured out of that era. I could relate to that far more easily than the lesbian community, for obvious reasons, but I still think there was kind of a pansexual playfulness to the times that I latched onto.

I doubt you can find a single lesbian in this day and age who hasn't seen a friend decide to transition. I know there is always a sort of sadness at seeing ANOTHER butch decide to be a man. Maybe I didn't transition earlier because I didn't want to cause sadness, even though it made for a conflicted me. I think a lot of transgendered people were kind of like "Okay, when is he coming out already? Let's place bets!"

When I was nineteen I think I really knew I was probably going to transition, but I put it off. I just remember very clearly looking at myself in a mirror and while I have a nice female body, realizing it still wasn't what I was envisioning for myself. The breasts especially. I really never knew how to deal with those. And the periods, I never liked my period because it seemed like such a pain in the ass.

There are some weird questions I have to ask another trans person about how my body will be after hormones, but maybe they are too intimate to list here. I know I'm excited about how certain things will develop, like my voice and my facial features and hair and muscles and things like that.

Right now life is kind of weird because I'm in a ladies care home. LADIES!!! I still go to the women's washroom because I'm still very very female bodies. I'm pretty much wearing a packer all the time. That's a type of useless flaccid male genitalia made out of various sundry household goods, I'm hoping to buy a real packer sometime soon. I haven't bound my breasts yet because I'm waiting to try and make one with my friends Cindy and Megan. Chest surgery is going to cost about $4000. There's a surgeon in town who does them. I have no idea when I'll have the cash to do that.

And the hormones, if my doctor is sympathetic enough I might be able to start on them soon. It takes about 2 years for the big effect, and changes continue for about ten years. Some men say it's like going through a second puberty. And my puberty was bleak!!!!

It's also funny because I am transitioning to a feature filmmaker as well. I'm going to be making an hour long documentary about researching my families various homelands AND the process of transitioning. It will be funny I hope, parts of it anyway.

Then of course there is the fact that violence happens a lot to trans people. Maybe that's where the Kubler-Ross stuff caught my eye. And there is a lot of depression and suicide that can occur. All these landmines in the way of me just trying to be true to myself and become someone I feel comfortable with. It's a lot to take in.

And it doesn't help that a Nelly Furtado song on the radio keeps making me feel weird!!!!

This is a wicked video "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Before I go for the day, I found the link to "A Trailer for the remake of Gore Vidal's Caligula"!!!

Check it out homes!

Connecting with the trans community

It's kind of bizarre knowing now I am moving into a phase of my life where I'm learning to accept becoming part of a minority that is hated and feared and bashed on and so on and so forth. On the other hand, that's been the case with most of my identity issues.

Today I went for lunch with a contact person to get in touch with the FTM community here. It was a nice lunch, and anyway I found out the good news which is that I might be able to get on hormones sooner rather than later, depending on what my doctor thinks. This week I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist and then my mental health nurse, so I'll talk to them more about it. There is supposed to be ANOTHER psychiatrist in town I will have to see for consultations and then a doctor who's going to monitor my hormones and see how that goes. I dunno. It's all pretty complicated, the medical aspect of it, when the very simple basics are just me jabbing my butt every two weeks with a needle and getting my boobs reduced. I think it's the mental aspects of it that are intense, learning to live like a man and so on and so forth.

Learning to be a NICE man especially, I've seen way too many guys try on the brute aspect of it and that doesn't suit me. Even if I was born genetically male, I STILL wouldn't be too enamoured of the shovey angry punch other guys kind of guy model.

Hormones!!!! I'll let you know as soon as I get a prescription.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Making chest compressors

I'm having a Coming Out Party with a bunch of my friends, hopefully, and anyway, SO FAR after the terrible spring the coming out as a boy seems to be ging well. People just seem to want me happy and that is good. I am slowly recovering mental health wise as well, I'm kind of lazy these days, but that's a medication side effect. I'm living with an old lady with schizophrenia who took my medication one night AND yells at the television. Well, shakes her finger at it anyway. I seem to be wearing my packer when I am out of the house. It's pretty weird.

I hear my weiner dog barking, I should go. I had a nice time on the computer today though, I found out some interesting stuff about chest compressors. I think I am going to try and make one.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

USB Gender Changers and E Cup Dudes.

Gmail suggests sites for people to look at based on what you write about. So imagine my surprise when it suggested I look at USB Gender Changers.

In fact, when I went crazy I tried to ressurect an ipod with a dead hard drive. None of my IT Priest skills came in handy, not even wrapping a rosary around a USB cable. I guess this means I'm back to my Pagan roots. I even recycled it because I'm trying to be kind to the environment. And throwing an ipod into the garbage just seemed sacreligious.

It's true I love Mac IT work. I applied to minacs once to do tech support but they never got back to me. Have you ever seen a dead mac icon? Oh, it sends chills down your spine! At least my computer is happy with me.

I've decided to apply to Canada Council to do a documentary this next year about tracing my genomes AND doing a gender transition. I am going to learn about borders and crossing the borders while doing it. I doubt I will do any filming in airports, but I will say how border crossings went. I'm hoping to get to a tribe in Asia with my uncle, but we'll see. I was hoping to get on a Camel while the song My Humps plays!

It's such a goofy song! My lovely lady bumps. Check em out!

Oh yeah, and here's a dude complaining about those leftover lady bumps. I know the feeling being a freakin' E CUP DUDE!

Little People

I recently heard from my Auntie that little people will chase you and some times they beat up men! Oh no! Something else to worry about after transitioning!

Little people are known the world over, but in Cree culture we try to live with them and their antics. Apparently they are really really ugly, and about 2 feet tall and move quick, faster than you can believe. They like shiny things and sugar, and people sometimes put out bundles of sugar for them.

In my family they have been seen by at least two cousins and my mother. But I'm sure more people have seen them. We just call them little people, and they are more of a supernatural type of being. I've also heard they like to live around waterways.

One thing you should never do is make fun of them or otherwise provoke them if you spot one, and try not to get angry when they start throwing peas at you or whatever. Some people even just live with them and build tiny furniture for them. I've heard of at least two wearing cowboy hats. They are very much a real phenomenon, and I for one always respectfully leave out sugar if I hear there have been little people wandering around some place I am living.

The Little People, a Cree exercise in supernatural tolerance and acceptance. Just try not to get the fuck beat out of you by dating a woman they are keen on.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

This is STILL the sexiest song ever!

Friend For Dinner by HK119

Feeling woozy

I really shouldn't read about chest reconstruction after supper.

The one good thing about going manic AND coming out as male is that I got to say I identified as male before doing all my stupid shit and vacillating and being a general creep and then be all "Oh yeah, I'm still a guy. A STUPID GUY! OH MAN SO STUPID!" But I still think there was something interesting in all of this . . .

Like the fact that fuck it, when I have manic psychosis, for some reason Nina Hagen and The Doors make sense.

Trying not to be a bad manlady.

I had the worst spring EVER this year, and I think most of it was around coming out as male. I kind of ran through all the worst characteristics a guy could have in manic record time and then felt like a dickhead. Ugh. I so don't want to have to go through this coming out process again. There are two books about transmen at the library and then that is it. Maybe I should find some tranny site for new books to read. I know Little Sisters has some transsexual erotica, that would be nice to have.

Being in a "ladies" care home is kind of bizarre too, because obviously I'm closeted there, but At Least it is only until September. Then I'm in a place of my own again.

I'm still so embarrassed I was a bad manlady this spring, so fucking terrible!!!! I don't want to be a bad manlady ever again!!!

Name Change and Nipples

The name change was a no-brainer but scary as hell. Sarain is the name I would have had if I was born biologically male. He was also a man who wrote some inspirational stuff in Indian Country and basically lead a legendary life. What we know of him is that he was the son of an aboriginal man stationed in Italy, Sarain was actually his last name. He came over to the Americas and started a wave of intensely influential aboriginal artists while teaching art at a tiny Aboriginal college here in Saskatchewan. He drowned in 1975 in the gulf of Mexico while swimming. He was about 30 years old. Now here I am at 29 becoming a man, becoming Sarain, and some of the parallels with our lives shake me up a bit. I started an international video career the same year my dad was in Venice with a show about Sarain Stump, The Man. The Legend. The one who freaks me out because he painted a Kundalini awakening with Quetzalcoatl. I mean, there are other things I can't tell you because they are too intense.

I think seeing those lights out at Cranberry Flats is tied into this fear I have around becoming Sarain, because I recently found out through an old high school friend that someone who goes to the nude beach has seen them out there too. I'm starting to think that maybe they were spirits or deities of some sort. And the fact that I'm two-spirited and that there were two of them makes me think it was about the impending fight in my own body between staying female or becoming male.

I am now virtually gender changing on Facebook and here on Blogger. To Sarain Cuthand. I already gathered 115 friends under my old name and I hope the name change on facebook, and the gender, is enough of a huge announcement to everyone about who I am now. Of course whether I am the reincarnation of the late Sarain Stump is an unanswerable question unless I start remembering things about that life. I did have a brief fascination with Venice once, but I think it was more like memory. And I have some memories of Mexico too, even though I have never been there.

You might laugh to find out that my biggest concern about transitioning is my nipples, but I've been cruising around Transster, a site for surgery photos for transmen, and I have to say, owie-ya!!!! I want the least amount of damage done to my chest as possible. I was hoping for the liposuction option, but apparently I have too large a chest to be able to do it. I'm getting excited about having a male chest, but the things they would have to do in order to reshape it concern me. I have seen some photos where they don't have to do nipple grafts, but other than that they just cut them off and slap them on somewhere else, and the sensation is pretty minimal from what I hear. I don't want to lose nipple sensation. Unfortunately a lot of people do, as with many trans surgeries for mtf's in the bottom department.

I doubt I will get bottom surgery though, because I like the idea of all my bits just, ya know, growing on their own. I know some of my FTM friends turn into secret dicklet size queens. Maybe I'll be one too!

Still, it's the nipples that worry me. I'm excited about how my new body will feel, but just worried about my chest. I like my nipples, if not so much my breasts.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Fuck it, I'm trans

It's weird to think that at 29 I am finally getting ready to transition after countless trannies starting with the Infamous David Harrison have been nudging at me since adolescence. I guess I wanted to be sure. I remember at 19 looking at my body in the full length mirror of my apartment and just going "Oh that is SO NOT ME!"

It's a general understatement that often trannies have some awkward mental health crisis stage we go through just before going Fuck it, I'm trans. Never mind Ellen's "Yep, I'm Gay" cover of the Advocate, I think "Fuck it, I'm trans" is a much better I statement to make. Especially if you already know you have a history of straightish girls falling for me. I mean bisexuals with a preference for dudely dudes.

My mom used to never understand why I continually dated bisexual girls, but really it was because I needed to be with someone who would stick around after I went through hormone treatments. Which is such an obvious "This person is clearly trans" statement to make.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Haven't you ever been Alan Smithee'd?

Alan Smithee is a name given to a participant in a film which they have no interest in making. I decided to crack the Alan Smithee code. I looped it through a unicode server which already exists in several different languages, all indigenous. It is based in a unicode mainframe. I can't access my computer without compassion. I looped it through Gmail. I took Nels Nielson off of my gmail account because he invited me and then we had a spat, at work. Anyway, whatev man.

I based Luke's Alan Smithee account on Monty Python and The Holy Grail. After it was cracked I saw it was signed by Richard M. Nixon. A joke? Probably. Maybe. Either way, it was really funny when I finally watched it. I made it talk in French and all other languages, and I made it disability accessible. I also videotaped what it looks like in chaos theory, which is fucked up! I mean, the images. It was all wavy and zooming around and stuff. Either way, I am working through Stanford's Project Backrub, which is what Google is. I cancelled my domain registration. And I also tried to report my SIN card as stolen, because I don't know how much of my ID James ended up writing down. Either way, I didn't get a chance to really report it, as I had Jerusalem Syndrome. April Fools Jerusalem Syndrome!

Plus I had a massive seizure, and was put back on Lamictal which made me go into anaphylactic shock. I died! Literally. I have a new pdoc, and a councellor, and my GP. And my weiner dog, who is a seizure alert dog. And he's really good at it! I am going to try and get into formal service dog training this summer, I know a trainer in town who is most excellent, especially with little dogs. And especially training psych service dogs. But mostly, I dunno, it probably is epilepsy. I am trying to see a neurologist. And then I may also have thyroid issues. And I also have to fix my computer.

Either way, I am doing a LOT better since my job ended. Sort of. I still need to calm down. I have nightmares I am being chased by an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile yelling "Achtung achtung!"

Alan Smithee could be anyone really. And just about everyone in the Industry has run into an Alan Smithee.

My Alan Smithee was the montreal psych system, a brutal system which dehumanizes people. After I got out, I got hit by lightning. It was like getting ECT. I would just loop through that one time period over and over and over. And I decided to get out of the loop.

But getting off psych drugs is hard. And especially if you have TLE. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. It's almost the same as being crazy, but different! I'm trying to learn how to live with it. And I don't know, I am gifted so there is that to work with too.

And there were also bad memories I had of someone who pretty much assaulted me before and after I went to the psych ward. And he decided to keep calling and telling me he was going to kill my whole family. My dad made a report with the Quebec police about death threats, but not much came of it, although it is on file there. I tried to report my ID stolen to the police, but not much came of that either. And then of course, there were the screen memories. It was like being put into a cult. I hate cults! Psychiatry is a cult, the way it works when it uses force.

Currently I am healing and just trying to get back to normal. I am trying to take a break from the News and Religion, but it always comes up again. Anyway, I am going to go have a nap now. I'm staying with family, trying to feel okay about life. It is hard, that is for sure. I decided to rewrite my screenplay, now that I know what the Alan Smithee is. I'm going to be spending the summer on holidays, occasionally writing.

That was stupid

I was trying to link my cousin up to a compassionate unicode mainframe for him to heal and ended up locking myself out of my computer!!! WTF?

Anyway, I will be fixing that later.

I have decided to forgo the boy option. I quite like being silky smooth.

I am trying to quit smoking, that is VERY hard. Depressing.

I am healing from my last job, I mean, my office worker job, because the stuff I was reading was WAY too hardcore for me. I still have nightmares.

I have nightmares that I am being chased by an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, no joke!

Anyway, I am still healing, and I will write briefly now and then, but if other people want to write here they can go ahead.


Monday, April 09, 2007

Cast your votes!

Who made Easter safe for same sex lovers?

Okay, how about, who is Trogdor?

Okay, is alcohol detrimental to people's well being?

Last question, and this is an easy one:

What does ACC stand for?

Entry for April 09, 2007
And the Exiles Church is a real name for a real group, but they have to go learn on their own. And they have a safe place to do it finally, because they chose the Albert Community Centre. Which has a jewish centre in it. And James Diamond is Jewish, so if he did good he can walk in and teach. If not, someone else has to teach. And I want the summer off so I can rewrite my screenplay. I hope you like it!! It's a love story about hate. And chasing hate away. And it has metaphorical dragons in it, but I am a literal boy, so it will just be about a couple of people. And transitioning into male! How's that for a story? Anyway, I don't teach Exiles. But they maybe can learn on their own now. I hope so, because I work with professional artists. And THEY are cool, because they always get it.

So thanks a lot Art Community for watching me grow up and helping me get out. And I will be seeing you at the ACC!

Most Sincerely Yours
Sarain Stump
ACC stands for:

Assinine Confusion Collective
Atypical Canadian Collective
Aboriginal Curatorial Collective

Mawwige! Twue Wuv

I deliberately married a dyslexic to save people. I don't know if you knew I could do that. But the marriage has been legally annulled. HOWEVER, Cindy and Megan really are legally married, it went safely. And I knew I could be there without hurting people because James Diamond though we got married ages ago. I don't know why. He's a weird guy that way. Anyway, I gave him a bicycle and a bottle of liquor in honour of him finding me. But even though that was a good game, it's not good to play while on a drinking binge. And I quit drinking ages ago. I took up smoking temporarily because it's a common thing in kundalini awakenings. Anyhow, there really is a dragon, it's name is Trogdor! It is a burninator. And I burned my psych stuff ages ago. I have the bill though, if he wants to pay for it. It's about 21 000. I hope he does pay for it, I know he has some money now. And after all, he wouldn't let me work after, except for call centres. But I never had the super special thing with me in Montreal, it was left here in Saskatoon. I would never take my most precious possession out of my mom's house without knowing it was safe.

Anyway Montreal, I bid you adieu. And Toronto, thanks for calling me, York, and I did want to get three letters of recommendation in but I couldn't find any in time for the deadline. Mom didn't want me to leave home again anyway. I'll move out of her house, but not yet, I have to find a place that take service animals. Because they are well trained now. And I trained a master healer, at Cindy And Megan's wedding. Her name is Deanna, and she's my favorite cousin. She's leaving university to come up here and find her path. And so I think she's more important right now than formal education, because I like watching her grow up and I don't want her to be in danger.

So I'll stay in Saskatoon. I like it here, the river, the beaches, the art community especially. And hopefully now people remember what a cosmopolitan town Saskatoon is. Which is why I always laughed when critics of my work said I came from a rural place. No way man, I'm a city girl. Or boy. Or whatever.

Thanks for reading. I hope it illuminated some things for you, especially about how powerful true love is. And Cindy and Megan have it.

Ding Dong

Trogdor strikes again! And no one is dead okay. Schrodinger has been running all over.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


This formula was discovered by Albert Einstein. Energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light. If you have two lightworkers hurling mass around, you get energy. This is different than nuclear technogy, which just does stupid shit. Energy, in this case, refers to God. And white light can never be converted into dark matter. 2 lightworkers on the same mission can still save the world, even when they disagree. Maybe especially when they disagree.

When I saw the lights in the sky they were disagreeing, they were fighting. And they displayed a particular pattern as they tangled, and it looked messed up!! And I deliberately didn't stay to watch the end, because I knew I couldn't. But in the end they were One again. In the end they were whole, even after all that conflict. And they chose specific dates to describe it. And they both guessed the end correctly.

Songs for tonight:
Shortbus Soundtrack.


Is asleep in the living room.

Totally fine

I really did get married last night but I did it so no one noticed. She said yes by the way. I think. She's being weird. But she's okay, I have all of the things she sent into the world. They are all safe, and so is she. I love her. She's the most powerful woman I know.

Questions? Ask Lynn Hill

I lost Lynn Hill's phone number, but she can be reached at She can also be found at Bad Manors in Strathcona and at the Union Market in Strathcona. She serves the best coffee in Vancouver. Please get in touch with Lynn Hill for any further questions.


Amphitere is a private tutoring company located in Saskatoon Saskatchewan. It's instructors are available for lessons after Labour Day 2007. Hourly rates are $100, non-negotiable. Application fee for private lessons is $200. Prospective students will be interviewed via telephone after providing required application package. Instructors set own hours, choose own students, will travel only when they desire. A collectivist learning environment.

For more information please contact while answering this skill testing question:

Define E=MC2 (that's squared to you!)

IT people are the Priests of Our Generation

Sarain: Busy fixing birdhouse, will report later.
Thirza: Gone.

Will respond to name Thirza with irritation but no meaningful statements.

Finished scavenger hunt successfully.

Class of 2007 Status Report: 144 000 understand true meaning of love.
Others went to desert and stuck cigarettes up their nose while following class bully. Last seen in company of fire breathing dragons. Wedding Party successfully defended from all negativity. Speaking in code, indecipherable. Remembering things. Last interesting concept was Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now." Made me remember this song:

Will report back at sundown. Have a happy Easter Sunday. I love you R.

Private tutoring available after Labour Day, $100 per hour, rates non-negotiable. Works only with professional actors, please send 10 minute demo reel and 10 page description of areas which need improvement. Will post address at future date. Interviews via telephone. $200 application fee.

Spiritual Guidance at Church of the Exiles, starting April 15, 2007, Albert Community Centre @ 8pm. For more info please see:

Church of the Exiles

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Operation Same Sex Wedding

Cindy and Megan had an excellent wedding, everyone had fun, they are fine. Went off without a hitch except for the two ladies who got hitched. I do hope The Unknown Country cares to show up, because I look hot!

Here's another hit from the 80's, Scandal's The Warrior.

The Best Mandalas For Today

The Beatles - Within You Without You

Beatles - Lucy In The Sky - Clip from Yellow Submarine

Fun is Number One!

Well, that's that for the hardcore stuff. Here were three of my formative media experiences, among many others.


Well clearly I am not dead. Although I am tired of watching my legs decay while I try and get you guys the fuck out of here, in a spiritual sense of course. You're not supposed to go turn the world into one big lunatic asylum, but I mean, this is a collaborative process. Not anymore though. People I love who love me are pretty much all fine, they're healing now, and it's been hard on them but I know they are there. And people who missed the boat, well, this boat sticks around until June 6, 2012. But honestly, psychopaths can be spotted by anyone at about a hundred paces now. And there is no cure for psychopathy, it's the one untreatable condition. And again, it means having no empathy. I think by now you can guess I do have extreme empathy, but I've shut out the world and gone back to the core group of people I started this all with. And they are doing pretty well, actually. We use pieces of Jadeite to serve as communication devices, which is why Mayans loved Jadeite. Anyway, that's how it works. There is something more intense than the internet, although the internet is a good simulation of the process, pretty good. But not good enough. And I am going to a wedding tonight and maybe if they are lucky I will sing a Boy Named Sue. Maybe. I'm thinking about it.


You guys are intense, how the hell do you do this stuff?

She Blinded Me With Science

Thomas Dolby does a hit from the 80's.

Friday, April 06, 2007


This is a memory of the events leading up to my incarceration.

I had actually been doing my shamanic two spirited episode for a while when my mom kicked me out of the house early at Christmas, she didn't want me in her house. And that was scary because suddenly I was on a plane. When I got to Montreal I was pissed off because it was New Years, I had nothing to do, and I was trying to wake myself up most urgently because the Iraq War was beginning. And I knew I was doing the surveillance thing so I tried to call friends to tell them what was going on. And they started freaking out, but really I just wanted them to pay very close attention so that they would know what a two spirited shamanic episode looked like, because I knew a bunch were about to start and I had to show that it was safe and natural.

The police showed up twice, and each time I showed them stuff about me that proved I was who I said I was. They got it! They were really happy and actually felt better about the world. And then James Diamond showed up. He was my roommate's boyfriend.

He seemed to be into it, he could do the episode with me, he was following me. But after I got to Germany he quit, because it was intense but I had just gotten my divided star of david mandala. And I drew it over and over and then he got annoyed because he had figured out he was female and wanted to quit, because that's where he ends up. I dunno, I guess I figured he would know there was a second half to it, because I had discovered so much about women's lives, and then I was switching into discovering things about mens lives. And that's where I was aiming, because I always wanted to understand women before becoming a man. Anyway, he aborted it. He recorded one of my monologues and gave it to some people in Montreal and told them that I was going to kill myself and they had to take me to the hospital. And they believed him, a lot of people did. A lot of people understood my shamanic episode through James Diamond, which is fucked because of various things. Anyway, some friends came over and immediately told me I was going to the hospital. I tried to explain shit to them, but they freaked me the fuck out and so it got hardcore intense, because I knew I was going to be crucified.

In high school, one of our Gifted friends actually did crucify himself in the gym, I mean, not with nails or anything, he just had some friends tie him to the wall. And I remember him telling me "When you get crucified you die by asphixiation." Because that is what happens up there on the cross and that is what happened to him before his friends took him down. I mean, it was that kind of a high school.

Anyway, my friends called the cops after I told them no in several different ways. But they didn't care about my No. I didn't get a safeword, I got tortured. And through my whole experience, they kept telling me I put myself in there.

I remember when they finally did get the cops to come, I have no idea what they told them, but these cops barged in and threw me to the ground and put me in handcuffs and started shouting at me, screaming really, and telling me to get up and I couldn't because I was in handcuffs. I was naked, like Louis Riel when he got taken. Anyway, my friends were horrified, but they kept telling me I deserved it. Friends, right. I remember in the ambulance on the way to the hospital I looked into the eyes of my police escort, and it was one of the guys I had convinced earlier. And he started to bawl. I have never seen a cop cry before, but he cried all the way to the hospital.

I was in restraints, handcuffs, and serious neuroleptics for the entire first night. I have no idea what happened to me in that time.

When I was released the first time, I tried to start it up again, because I had to, I needed to wake up and now I had no safe spot because James and Ariel stared at me in disgust the entire time. I had never felt so judged. And they would talk about me with everyone in my life, because suddenly they were the experts on me even though I only knew them seriously for about four months.

Anyway, I knew they were going to send me back to the ward, and it pissed me off. I called the cops myself the second time, because they were violent and James started shoving me around and threatening me. Seriously, the second time I just wanted to get away from them mostly, and I had been trying to evict them and they wouldn't leave. The apartment was under my name, but during the time I was in, the second time, they decided it would be better if I was homeless. So suddenly I had to do a whole bunch of stuff to try and get them the hell out of my apartment. I don't think anyone understood why I was doing that, although I do know that most of the people James had talked to got super creeped out by him and his behaviour.

So I did kick them out, but they were planning to do it first. James stole a bunch of my stuff, including my cd walkman and an album I had been listening to, to find my route. I was listening to Scarlet's Walk actually, and it was keeping me grounded. But they kept taking it away from me. In fact, anything I tried to meditate on they would take away from me.

Maybe people thought that they knew what they were doing because they were Aboriginals, I don't know.

Anyway, in the ward when I was in four point restraints, I started screaming. And it pissed people off because they wanted me to be quiet. But I couldn't, because when I sleep on my back I asphyxiate. So I had to scream, but the more I screamed the less likely it was for them to let me out. And I was going to die if I didn't scream, I mean, it was awful. I was having trouble breathing. And I kept remembering the thing about white light, look at the white light. And the only light I had was the lightbulb on the ceiling. For the rest of my hospital stay I looked at lights, any lights, sunlight, ceiling lights, the huge Hydro Quebec sign staring me in the face through my ward room.

So yes, I was crucified, in the end. And when I showed my friends my bruises, and I had huge bruises, I asked them to bring in a camera so that we could document it. They refused. I asked for money for a legal aid lawyer. They refused. I didn't actually have any support, because what I was doing was always being mediated through either the psych ward staff, James Diamond, or Ariel. And none of those people were profoundly gifted, for sure. Very few people are.

Which is why I am glad to be back in Saskatoon, because there was that class at Bowman that was filled with profoundly gifted people. And the staff at Bowman has always kept track of us, waiting to see when we would be famous. That's the thing you have to understand, our high school knew our grade would be famous.

I dunno man, maybe we do need this site for Gifted Transpeople. And there are alot.

I sometimes think a lot of people transitioned because they thought the other gender would be easier, better, something. As a man, now, who was a woman for a long time, I can honestly tell you neither gender is better or worse. They each have their problems. And going through a two spirited shamanic episode is necessary to really know, because you have to be so fucking sure you can take that step with total awareness. And it is hard for transpeople before they transition, because it does involve some serious positive disintegration. And because it does involve some serious spiritual understandings, which not everyone can manage.

And yeah, two spirited people are showing up in the gender they end up preferring. But I notice they still understand both genders before being able to fully embody who they are.

I'm worried about various friends of mine who are on their journeys, because it does look intense. But honestly, there is a light at the end of it. At the end of it you do find your own moral code and your own identity. Because to get there, you have to ask a lot of questions. And you have to ask the right questions. And you have to have access to information to get those answers. And you have to be able to understand the information, which is maybe the most difficult, because some of it is way out there and intense and hardcore scientific, actually!

I had a breakthrough with my best friend when I told her what happened to me in the ward. I mean, it was a hard thing, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it was always the block that stopped me from going further. And actually, after I told her about it, everything started getting better. Because she actually wanted to listen to the story, and no one had wanted to hear it before. And really, all I wanted to do was tell the story to get it out. What do you do with a story no one wants to hear? Which is why I started this blog. And I started it very brainwashed by psychiatry. And now I'm out of that, and it's scary! I am remembering who I am, and who I am is really beautiful. But so many people believed the ugly story, that sometimes it seems few people want to see the real beautiful me.

But some do.

Kate Bornstein 1998

This is the autograph I got from the lovely Kate Bornstein in 1998 during hir tour for the Gender Workbook.


It's late, I've had a very very very long day. I am currently overhauling an old G4 for Luke, he's moving on his own and is going to make music on his computer. So that's what's up. I could really just go to bed, because the installation of Tiger is going to take a couple hours anyway. Tomorrow I install his music programs and then he has a new computer, lucky boy. He's doing really well, he feels loved and that's a good thing. Steven is still Steven. I will probably be Luke's tech support, which is fun. I'm hoping to get him a soundcard, and if he gets a guitar then hopefully I can show him how to record it straight onto his computer.

Some of my "friends" still cling to me being crazy. I'm not sure why that is, it's kind of sick. But I don't care, I think they're just being transphobic, and that does suck. But honestly, most of the people I really care about understand and love me, and that is all that matters. And my cousins are starting to do better, all of them, although I can REALLY feel the age difference now. At one point when I had my breakthrough I was writing to my best friend/cutie and I was talking like a fifteen year old boy to her. It was funny, I was hanging out of a tree upside down talking to her. But she's not letting me go back to being a teenager, which is good, because those days are so over. Either way, I should get some sleep because tomorrow is a busy day.

I'm still surprised at how many people call me just to talk about themselves. I have issues too ya know! Jokes.

Oh yay, Deanna is coming over, now I won't be alone.

Cindy and Megan

So yes, it is Cindy and Megan's wedding tomorrow. They have ten cakes! Mom just went to the rehearsal. They're both femmes, so it will be so frou frou! I'm excited. Megan is American actually, she's becoming a Canadian now because of various things, like same sex marriage. And just that she loves Cindy. We went camping in the States with them last year, it was so fun. Except I was having psych med issues, so I was fucked up. But it was really fun. We went to Arches and the Canyonlands, and we went to look at pictographs on this one road. Megan found the motherlode behind a bush, and those were some amazing artworks. There was a bison, actually, which means there was some kind of cultural expansion between nations. There was a thunderbird too, which is another Plains symbol. The name Anasazi is derogatory by the way, the proper term is Ancestral Puebloans, which I was always gleefully pointing out anytime someone said Anasazi. We went to Mesa Verde, which had just survived a major fire, and that was really fun. There were bunnies everywhere! And I took mom to Cliff Palace, which is the largest ruin, it was hard though because it's grueling both getting down and coming up. Our tour guide was a Hopi woman, and she had some really great things to say about the culture and what she knew about kivas and how the agriculture worked on top of the Mesa. And she was asked over and over why they were gone. Her answer was basically that they moved, they didn't feel like living there anymore. She told us about some of the places way in the back of the Cliff Palace where only the rangers get to go, they used to store corn back there. And they had bad teeth because they ground their corn with rocks and rock particles would mix in and wear down their teeth. We also looked at the highways, which are just hand and toe holds carved into cliff faces. On the way back up from Cliff Palace we got so tired, going up three steep ladders and mom is afraid of heights so I had to keep telling her not to look down.

Mesa Verde is at such a high altitude that you can actually get sick from it, because it's hard to adjust to it. And Cindy got altitude sickness, poor girl. Later when we were at Devils Tower, in the middle of Sturgis, we saw a sign saying that they had the Plague in certain gophers, because we went to see the gopher civilization. And Cindy was so funny, she was just like "Oh, now I have the Plague!"

After Devils Tower we stayed in some crap campsite and I got into trouble for smoking a clove cigarette inside, even though other people were smoking gross cigarettes. Anyway, I was annoyed with the service there. Mom asked for cutlery and the waitress didn't know what she meant. Mum was like "You know, knife, fork." She never got her cutlery. I thought that was rude so I made Devils Tower out of my mashed potatoes and then we went back to Canada. And we love Canada, but it was nice to finally see all of those American sites. And Cindy and Megan made us go to Walldrug, which was funny because again we were travelling during Sturgis, so there were bikes EVERYWHERE. And we started forming opinions about Sturgis, because some bikers were hardcore and drove all the way there on their bikes, while others had full on RV's with some bikes on a trailer. You can guess which people impressed us.

Anyway, I finally got the appropriate wedding present for Cindy and Megan, I think they will like it. And I'm glad they are finally getting married, because they have been together for so long.

We bought some Anasazi beans, the same kind they grew. It's called Anasazi beans, but I always prefer calling them Ancestral Puebloan beans.


This has been the most intense day of my life, EVER! My Aunt Beth took me to Good Friday services with the Lutheran Church, and it was really beautiful. They sang the entire Passion service, and that was intense. I almost started crying at the end actually. And my Aunt, who is graduating and starting her clergy work this year, brought me up with her to bow before the cross. And it was intense, because here were two psychiatric survivors standing in front of the cross. And it wasn't a fancy cross, it was very humble, made from two pieces of worm eaten wood. I was thinking about the Passion, but I was also thinking about that horrifying moment when I was in four point restraints screaming and no one cared. I was looking at this sad cross and thinking about what it really meant. And thinking about my body laying in a psych ward so afraid and so alone. And then Aunt Beth touched one arm of the cross, and I just automatically touched the top, because that's where my head was in four point restraints and that's where I was being tortured. And I think she was also thinking about her own time in psych care. It was really moving.

I got paid, so afterwards we went tuxedo shopping, at Value Village! And I got this great swish tux with tails, and it is cut just perfect for my body. So that was good, because now I can finally wear my top hat. And I went to a mens clothing store on my own to get the rest of my outfit, which was an interesting experience. I haven't ever gone into male territory like that before, I only ever bought mens clothes from vintage stores. And it was weird at first, because some teenage boy came in to look at grad clothes with his girlfriend and this one salesman spent so much time talking to him about EVERYTHING, I was so snubbed. And that was bizarre, but I was kind of expecting it. What I didn't expect was when I paid for all my stuff and the other salesman rang it through, and he totally started razzing me about getting married, and he knew I was buying it for myself, not for a boyfriend or anything. And I was so shy, because he was really friendly about this total transman getting formal mens wear. And he was Middle Eastern, by the way. And the teenage boy didn't buy anything.

I look really good in it. I am such a dandy! I'm a sloppy girl, but as a boy I just go into dandy mode. And the shirt I got was pink, by the way, because originally pink was a mens color. Hallmark changed it at some point in history, I forget why. Anyway, I'm cleaning myself up, I actually care about how I look, and that is so different.

My mom has finally accepted that I am going to be a man now. She was really scared about it, obviously, because it means I could get hurt. She said she would knit me a codpiece that says "Don't be mean to my son." Aw. She still uses the Thirza name, but it's okay because she's adjusting. I am impressed with anyone who calls me Sarain though, because it means they actually care about my identity and knowing who I am. Mom actually had a dream a while back that I was a man, so she knew it was coming. And I did give her Gender Outlaw to read when I was in high school, so she does know what it's about. And when I talked to her best friend Norlane about it, who has known both Sarain when he was alive and baby me, we actually talked about David Harrison's play which we had both independently seen when it was here at the Fringe, and so we talked about what it means to be a transman. I believe he actually comes from Saskatoon, because I remember everyone was kind of amazed that he would come back here and perform it for us. The Saskatoon Fringe festival is actually reputed as one of the best Fringe festivals in the world, we used to get a number of highly talented international companies coming here and I used to volunteer and see like, seven plays or more.

Norlane was the one who contacted Sarain's mother in Italy when he died, and she didn't know Italian, so it was an awkward conversation. I don't know how she found his mother actually, but she started crying and I think she knew he was going to do what he did. Or I was going to do what I did. Sarain has a sister in Venice somewhere. When Edward did his Venice show, he played a song for Sarain every morning at seven o'clock on the Venice radio. I think that is my favorite part about his piece for the Biennale. I would actually like to get a copy of the song he played.

And I have Schrodinger, which is also excellent, because Jesse Duval Loewy was the one who raised Schrodinger. And Jesse committed suicide this year. I like to think that I can at least take care of the one boy cat from Jesse and Linda's litter. And Schrodinger is a gorgeous tomcat, although he ran away with my digital camera yesterday. Schrodinger's sisters are with Leif, he named them George and Alex.

Transition update

I was talking to a friend of the family who practically raised me actually, and she works at the Community Clinic here in Saskatoon. We talked about me seeing a therapist there again, I have the appointment next week. And I have to make an appointment with my regular doctor, who is like, the best doctor I've ever had. She's like Saffy if Saffy went to med school. So she's pretty cool and she likes doing research on new things, I mean, she always augments her education, which not a lot of doctors do. So I guess I will meet with her and talk about profoundly gifted people AND transmen, and I'm sure it's not all new territory for her, I mean, obviously she's gifted for starters. Plus they actually do keep medical records confidential, which is a far cry from the Quebec health system, and that's good. Quebec releases personal files to employers. So that's not safe at all! I think Saskatoon might actually be the best place to do this. And my friend Laurel has filled me in on Saulteaux prophecy, which says we should return to our homelands for seven years. And I think, well, I'm part Saulteaux and Laurel is the expert on that culture, and we've known each other since we were two, so I'm fine with keeping to that. And even though I'm from a bunch of different places originally, this is where I grew up. So yeah, back in the homeland!


Peg Campbell, my favorite prof at Emily Carr in the Film department, sent me her blessings on my transition. You have no idea how happy that makes me. She's great, man, one of the few professors with tenure who still cares about all her students.

Good Friday

This should be a Good Friday again. I have been thinking about colonization and treaty rights and land entitlements and so on . . . and I realize we actually did sign one completely unbreakable treaty. It doesn't seem like it now because of the current Quebec government, but honestly, I believe the best treaty the people of the Americas signed was with France. They had a different approach to schooling aboriginal children in the beginning, and it never worked because they couldn't figure out our kids. But they did try to form some alliances, and maybe the best alliance ever created the Metis people of Manitoba. And even though that was just French/Cree in the beginning, the concept has expanded now to include all kinds of mixed race people with aboriginal blood in them. And there are a lot of us, like A TON.

England has broken treaties with us over and over, to a ridiculous degree. I won't even speak of Spain. But France, now that is an interesting treaty. Because they are artistic, they have some liberating politics, they are sexy and open minded and they actually brought native people to Paris to study. It never worked out well though. BUT, if we could negotiate our real treaty with France, and I mean all of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, then maybe we could get somewhere. The French actually are really fun nice people, I love the French. I hate racists and there are a lot in Quebec, but that is very different from hating the French. And besides that I have French blood in me too, so there, neener neener. Just kidding, I mean the neener neener part. But really, maybe we should ponder today on working out a servicable treaty with France. They did give the United States the Statue of Liberty, and she has style man! And the American government isn't taking care of it well, which is a travesty against all artworks ever made.

Plus I always wanted to have a honeymoon in Paris, where I could eat more than just baguettes.


Aden Bowman's most famous Alumni.
last year or so I dreamed I was pregnant and asking my boyfriend Mark to use my big belly as a tambour - the stretched skin of my big belly being like the skin covering a drum I suppose - to boum-boum it to help break my waters. But he boum-boumed it so well that a violent thunderstorm burst within my bédaine and a raging flood pored out from between my legs... Only water and rage and storm, but no baby... The next day, I woke up feverish, but feeling an urge to be thankful for the present moment and for the the light that emanates from my boyfriend's eyes when he looks at me in the morning... it is too personal to put on my own blog, so I put it here, my little poem collage... Even if you don't speak french, you can read the words out loud for la cadence.


That's probably a really bad spelling of a commonly used Cree word. It may surprise people, after watching most of this blog be in English, that in fact I do appreciate the multilingual quality of Canadian culture. And I did take French through school. I started out in French Immersion actually, the only reason I switched to Anglo schooling was because I moved to Montana for a year. Either way, when my brain is operating at full capacity I can pretty much decipher French. I mean, I do it literally so it sounds funny, but I have some fluent French speaking friends here in town who can correct the mistranslations. And mistranslations always occur. So if people did want to write here in French, and there are a lot of free thinking Quebeckers I know, then that is totally welcome. I am so not into having this blog stay a monoculture. That's not the point.

The Cree language comes in 5 dialects and is the most widely spoken Aboriginal language in Canada, with 80 000 fluent speakers from Quebec to BC. Cree Speakers are well known for their diplomatic skills and ability to travel to various places while still retaining a sense of humour. The Cree language itself is a decolonized language which made concessions for change after the North West Rebellion, so that certain terms became contrary, including words for land and leader. Currently it is one of the most popular languages to be revived here in Canada, with both Native and Non Native speakers. Cree people were in charge of Canada's fur trade and provided valuable assistance to otherwise clueless refugees. The Bible is the most recent translated addition to the current written language, the most recent translation was into the Y dialect, otherwise known as Plains Cree. Some new terms were created specifically to describe parts of the New and Old testament.

Lakota is one of the rarest languages in Canada with only 25 fluent speakers and most other Lakota/Dakota/Nakota speakers living in the United States of America. Sioux is considered a derogatory term for this tribe. Dene is a Canadian aboriginal language, and also ironically is the same language as the Navajo people of the South Western United States. Dene people in Canada still remember their migratory history. Saulteaux is another language spoken on the Plains, which has been revived and kept alive, there are some fluent Saulteaux speakers here and in Manitoba.

Cree is not the right name for my tribe, we are actually called Nehiyaw. Cree is a French term for Christians. I also don't have my orthographics handy, so the accents are not in my Cree words right now, but there are long and short vowels all through Cree. Hopefully someone will point me in the right direction of using them online.

Awass Kisemohkoman!