And she put a poop in every one!

Well, I was unceremonially turfed from Employment Insurance on the 9th of October and am not getting ANY money for the rest of the month. I've been applying to JOB after JOB and not getting called or emailed for a SINGLE interview! I've an appointment to get on Social Assistance (aka The Dole, Welfare, Sucking off the tit of the Taxpayer, which would be myself). I'm starting to worry that my marginalized identities and issues are what is keeping me from employment, since I have never had such bad luck getting a job before. Mind you, I was willing to do Market Research Interviewing before, and now I have put a stop to it because I hate it so much. There are plenty of other jobs that I would love to have and would be really good at, but they don't even call!

I tried to go to CanSask to get funded to get a diploma as an Admin Assistant, but they refuse to fund me because I have a degree already and should be working in my field. However film and video just tanked in Saskatchewan when the Sask Party killed SCN. Plus that industry wants 15 hour days and that would drive me insane after a couple weeks. Seriously, I would have a six week stay at the Dube Centre if I tried to work in my field. And I don't know about YOUR world, but six weeks in a psych ward and then four months in a group home not being able to masturbate is my idea of HELL!
Plus it is depressing. And I would probably get open sores on my feet again (maniacs really REALLY like to go for LONG WALKS).

Anyway, I couldn't afford to live in a group home and be employed, because it cost 1500 a month last time and I had to get on welfare to cover it. At best I make 1200 bucks a month, it's really pitiful.

ARG! I think I should just start my own business. I've got an idea for running my own video editing company, all I really need to start up is the equipment and a place in my living area to do it. But the equipment is pricey! I've got all the training, it would be a good fit. Hmm. We will see.

In other news, well, not much really. SaskEnergy are being dicks about returning my deposit to me, they only owe 46 bucks, but they have been taking their sweet diddly time about returning it, I ended my service with them at the beginning of August, and now it is late October! And I changed my address with them and everything! Fuckers!

My Auntie starts calling everyone fuckers when she is really really drunk!

I'm not drunk.

My reduction of soft substances has gone upward and onward in the last couple weeks. I am making some good improvements and my dreams have also become epic adventures of epic awesomeness!!! Retelling my dreams has become my hobby again. And I am noticing how most of them are really about me assimilating the issues I faced during the day, or just themes. Ie. I was looking at this flash developer job (which I'm unsuited for, but was curious) and then also read a Japanese webpage about a cat named Maru and then had a dream I flew to Osaka to learn military website design! Of course I missed my flight there (remnants of my horrific time trying to get home from Berlin) and had to fly to 14 different cities around the world to get there on time for my training. And we kept setting off atomic explosions and had to fix the Internet with Liquid Helium.

I visited the Synchotron for the first time the week before and learned all about this amazing particle accelerator here in Canada, the ONLY one in Canada. Supposedly a city with a Synchotron grows really fast, and I've noticed Saskatoon getting bigger and bigger. We are now the most spread out city in Canada, which is kind of problematic. I hate to say it but we need more apartments rather than more houses, we keep sucking up farmland. Which used to be MY LAND (now I'm just being an aboriginal show off!).

My medication regime has been working out well, I fucked up a week of meds though, but I've been back on track for a week now and my moods are pretty good. I go see my psychiatrist next wednesday, and my psychiatric nurse, Joan. Yay! They are one of the reasons I'm reluctant to leave Saskatoon, they have helped me out A LOT! I've not needed to be in the hospital for well over three years! This upcoming April will be my 4 year anniversary of being in a ward, and I'm a little nervous. I am hoping that I will manage to keep up with my treatment and not need to go back again. Since then I have had some depressions, but if I was horribly suicidal since then I don't remember it. What I do remember is that I went through a break up last time I went crazy and for months and months her name would just go through my head over and over. I'd wake up and think "Rheanne" and someone would ask me a question and I'd think "Rheanne" and I'd be sitting on the couch at the group home watching Turner Classic Movies thinking "Rheanne, Rheanne, Rheanne." I'd go to Banff and be trying to work on something or listen to speakers and all that went through my head was "Rheanne!" Aw fuck it was AWFUL! Thank god that is over! Did I mention I listened to Fleetwood Mac's Rhiannon over and over too?



Those were the most awful days of my life! The grim desperation coupled with the inability to masturbate next to an 86 year old schizophrenic with dementia who was my roommate (as in, the bed next to me roommate) and the towels were always pooey in the morning. Sigh! I know I said living in the Downtown Eastside was kinda hellish, but this was REAL hell. I totally don't mind talking on a payphone at Main and Hastings next to someone smoking crack, that I can tolerate. Group home life, on the other hand, without access to Internet, that sucked!

You might be surprised (unless you have read all of this blog already) that poop outside of the toilet was a hallmark feature of my mornings as a child. My sister has a profound intellectual disability and fingerpainted with the brown stuff before we all woke up. Almost. Every. Day.

The only time I was upset by it was the time she put a poop in every compartment of my Matchbox Racecar Suitcase!!! :O

Thinking about creating a job.

My EI is set to run out and I have to figure out some way of getting an income. I'm going all over the place trying to think of a job I really want to do, there are a few I am interested in. I should really think seriously about CREATING a job for myself rather than looking for one. I mean, I'm a FREAK! I have tattoos and I am part of various minority groups that have trouble finding work because of discrimination. Not only that but I am open about my disability and people feel like it's a disability they can stigmatize and be prejudiced about. Like there's this concept ALL bipolar people have fits of rage, and I haven't had one of those since I was twelve. I get angry, but I'm pretty good about controlling it. It's not an issue in the workplace, that's for sure.

Besides all that, I am going out a lot more these days, which is nice. I went bowling the other day, which I haven't done since 1996. I was terrible. And then just going to events and so forth. It's been fun. I go out a lot more now than I did before. When I was mainly hanging out with one friend a lot. And then we had a fight and now I have more friends.

I almost moved to Winnipeg abruptly. But then it didn't work out and I stayed here, in Saskatoon. I really like Winnipeg, but I am also content living here. So it was a confusing situation to be in.

I'm trying to line up some freelance gigs to get me some money to live on for the next month or two. Money, ugh! I hate that we all need it.

I applied twice at the Casino, it would be so easy not being able to gamble there because I've only ever gambled 15 bucks there altogether. And I'd get money TAX FREE! But anyway, so far they haven't called back.

But I like the idea of working for myself. It appeals to my desire for independence. The only big problem is I don't have the right equipment to actually start up an editing business. My computer is obsolete and I don't have enough hard drive space. And my screen and speakers could be better too. I really need to do something about it. I'm looking around for some grant situation that would let me have like, three or four months of living allowance and capital cost money. That would be sweet.