Belly Button Better

My scab finally fell off my bellybutton and I rejoiced. I was tired of feeling all wounded and ugly. Now I have a crusty scar. In the end I discovered there were no stitches from my surgery, I was all held together with Steri-strips. My incisions were actually really small, I swear one is only a centimeter long. I feel back to myself and I am sure I am still healing, but it feels pretty DONE! Whew! I remember the first day I felt all gross because my innards felt like they were moved around. Now they have fallen back into place, and all that carbon dioxide is out of me.

So that is the update on the gallbladder surgery. I still haven't gone to Gibsons for fish and chips, because I was too scared! But now I think I am ready to try it out. The fattiest fish and chips EVER!!!!!

Maybe I should top it off with a deep fried mars bar!

Or better yet, a banana fritter!

I'm a sucker for banana fritters. They had really good ones at the fringe this year, whole bananas all frittered and fried, hot and covered in honey and whipped cream! OMG! So good!

My business is still not getting any income, but I am getting a second chance at working more or less full time on it. Saskatoon Tribal Council offers income assistance while you are getting self employed. I had to get a business license and a business bank account first. I now have those! I have to find a frame for my license. Or I could just tack it up I guess. It has to be displayed prominently, but my office is still not set up and won't be for a while.

I am also applying to SIEF for five thousand dollars to get a laptop and software to start out with. That's really all I need at first. And hopefully I can get some contracts and start making money to buy more things for my business, along with paying myself an income. I was going to ask for 15,000, but realistically I don't want to be on the hook for that much money. If I fail miserably a five thousand dollar loan is much easier to pay back than three times that amount.

There is a Simply Accounting class they are also going to pay for, so that I know how to do my books. AND they will probably also get me some driver training.

I did really good at quitting smoking, I had four weeks done when I slipped by smoking some pipe tobacco all rolled up in a rolling paper, and then I just wanted a bit more, and some more, and then I was smoking again for real, with my own pack of smokes even, not bumming them off people. Brought down by some of the grossest tobacco ever! I don't recommend rolling up pipe tobacco. I felt like a failure. I want to try and quit again. I know I can get further than four weeks. It's just those slips that get me. Soooo, well hopefully soon I can get myself sorted.

I went to my concurrent disorders education group last week and learned about the effects of marijuana. But not much was new to me. This week they are talking about anxiety disorders. I don't really have a problem with anxiety with the meds I am on, so I think since I can only do an hour I am going to go to the drop in after the education group. I feel like getting some support! Actually tonight is the bipolar support group too. I wonder if I should go. I went for pizza and elections last week. PIZZA! I don't really know why I am going to support groups, they are kind of goofy and I don't even have anything I really want to share, except with maybe the concurrent disorders group because we all have mental health AND addiction issues in common. One other thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of men who go to the groups and not so many women.

It's nearly November and I don't have a job. I've been on Welfare for October and I am getting November's money on Friday. I'll pay my rent and have a bit for fun and bus passes and my phone, but then I will be broke again. Frig, I forgot about my stupid phone.

There goes 55 bucks! Buckaroos!

It's Halloween weekend. I am going out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday unless something REALLY fabulous comes up and I have enough money.

I need to send my camera in to Sony for fixing. Maybe I should call Matrix video and see if they can fix a Sony camera for me. It's not under warranty anymore, I will have to pay for it. BLEH! UGH! But I need a camera.

I have been commissioned to make a Super 8 film by January. I really don't know what to make it about, I am thinking furiously! What topic really needs to be addressed? I already committed myself to making a video about being butch with my grant, so I can't do that idea. I would love to make some porn, but I don't have a counterpart who would fuck with me on camera. I can't even convince someone to fuck me off camera. And I don't know any hot to trot lesbian couples in Saskatoon who I want to make a porno with. It's going to have to be experimental with a narrative, but what the hell is the narrative? And what imagery would I use? It's distressing. I wish I didn't have a big ass creative block. Stupid block. I need some kind of brain flushing. I need to brainstorm. Hmm. I really want to veer back into making queer queer queer films. And I also have to keep in mind the medium. Super 8 is different than video. The rolls I am getting are colour too. Which is exciting. I thought colour was dead. So it has to be colourful too. AaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhH! Creativity fart! There's a tumbleweed rolling around in my head.

I have to write a script! What has been bothering me??? What is relevant to the larger society from a marginalized little human like me? What hasn't been said about being queer? And why oh why can't I find someone to have sex with me on camera???? I wish I even had an ex lover in town who would give me a spin just for old times sake and the sake of lesbian porn. See, if I hadn't been celibate for most of my life, I would totally be pumping out the sex tapes. I love sex! I just don't have it very often.

Maybe I should make a version of my Mars tape for the Super 8 festival. I dunno. I think I need more money for that. Better to wait.

It's hard being a lesbian making lesbian art without some good old fashioned lesbian fucking involved. It's not show stopping. Dammit! I need to get some inspiration. Nudity is boring too, without sex. Plus with the weather the way it is, nudity is not a good idea.

Hands Up! Baby Hands Up! Give me Your Love Give me Give me Your Love!

Today is International Fisting Day! So since I don't have a lover at the moment and can't celebrate today by actual fisting activity, I thought I would write about it.

I think my first introduction to fisting was in a Pat Califia book, Macho Sluts. I would have been seventeen or something when I read about it. I didn't do it for a while though, and the first time it did happen was almost accidental.

She was my fourth lover and was just doing me with her hand when it just naturally slipped inside. I remember her asking me "Doesn't that hurt?" But it didn't. I was really turned on and receptive and it was amazing how even the gentlest movements inside me were driving me wild.

To be honest, I haven't done much fisting since. Just a few times. When I was on the other side of the fist, with my hand deep inside my girlfriend I remember the awe I felt that she was being so vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling this pink feeling, I really don't know how to describe it.

I have heard some misadventures with fisting, like people who don't do it right and end up making their partner bleed for a few days. I think that would be really mortifying. But I don't hear about misadventures as much as some would think.

So VOILA! Here is a Link on fisting from Babeland! Because I know you want to try it now, and were about to ask "But how can I fist my lover?"

Also someone on the facebook page mentioned this handy hint for femmes with long nails who want to fist, just put cotton balls in the tips of a latex glove and go to town! So brilliant, I wish I had thought of that when lover number Five was trying to fist me and had long nails. (It was unsuccessful)

I really do miss fisting. The last time I had sex we could have fisted maybe, except I wasn't open enough for it to be possible really. My vagina really is not always the same size, it totally fluctuates and I am not sure why. I suppose I could Ask Jeeves! LOL! Does anyone ask Jeeves anymore?

Anyway, there is my fisting blog, because when it comes to International Fisting Day, I am always ready to lend a hand! More awareness! More Fisting in porn! Yeah!

First Surgery! Hopefully the last!

On Monday at around four pm I went under general anesthetic and had my gallbladder removed. I was pretty nervous, but the staff and surgeon and anesthesiologists and so forth were very calming and explained exactly what was going to happen to me and what I would feel like after. Going under was weird, they put a mask over my face and at first it was alright breathing and then it was hard getting my breathe out and then boom, I was out. I don't remember anything until I woke up moaning in the recovery room. I was drifting in and out and making noises every so often and I was getting really annoyed by these nurses having a conversation beside me because I just found their voices so grating! Ha ha, but then they wheeled me off to my shared room on the post surgical ward. My bed pissed me off because it was this air mattress that kept adjusting itself and filling up with air and then deflating again. And they put a blood pressure thing on my legs and my arm had a cuff that kept inflating and squeezing me. When they finally took it off I was relieved. I had an IV in for most of the night and kept adjusting myself and asked for painkillers twice and an anti-nausea drug once.

The next day the doctor saw me at 7am and told me they were sending me home, but then the nurses wanted to wait until after breakfast. I almost cried. Then after breakfast the nurses decided since it was the first meal I had since going under, they would wait until after LUNCH for me to be discharged. I almost cried again. I wanted to go home so bad! Finally I ate part of an egg salad sandwich and some cream of broccoli soup and they decided I was well enough to leave.

I didn't realize the roads were so bumpy until Mum drove me home. Ugh! I came home and basically slept and slept and slept. I ached. It was awful.

Then today I woke up after a bizarre dream of this crazy sex toy store with an insertable fake lizard, and I felt good enough to actually move about and not have naps and we went out and ran some errands. I got shampoo and conditioner and soap and body wash, and we got some premade meals from M&M meats. I had my first post-surgical shower and patted my incisions/punctures dry.

I can't lift anything heavier than ten pounds. I think my dog is twelve pounds. But I have been lifting him up, and so far so good. He was really confused at first that his mum wasn't being all sweet on him like I usually am when I first came home, but since then he and I have had some snuggles.

I am excited to go have gibson's fish and chips this week, but I am still nervous. Even though the doctor said I could have anything I wanted to eat now. I wanted to wait because for the first day everything tasted like anesthetic and was gross and made me want to puke. Now food is more appetizing. But until today, we didn't have much food that I wanted to eat.

I am taking extra strength tylenol AND ibuprophen as per doctor's orders, and the pain level has been more manageable than when I was in the hospital. It hurts if I press against something though, like the counter at the bank, for instance. But I've been doing pretty good. I am actually surprised at how well I am doing, especially considering how miserable I was yesterday. I am looking forward to two weeks from now when the stitches are out and I am doing well. Everything is looking up from here!

The only bad thing is I had to take out my hood piercing before surgery, and I have had trouble getting the damn thing back in! I am hoping this is due to my ineptitude and not because it has grown back in already. I really wish I had a girlfriend, then I would ask for her assistance. As it is, I have no one to help me!

Empowering My Sober Self

It has been four days today without any weed, and I am feeling good! I still really really want to try this experiment of going six weeks without weed, which is how long it takes to get out of your system. I'd be able to pass a drug test! BUT my cousin in law who is studying to be an addictions counselor says it really takes three months to start noticing the benefits of being free from the green. Still, a six week goal is a start, and then I could evaluate if I want to be clean for longer. If it is working for me.

I'm a little crabby, but that is to be expected. It's something I can shake off.

I've been reading this really good book called Empowering Your Sober Self: The LifeRing Approach to Addiction Recovery, by Martin Nicolaus. It really takes groups like AA/NA to task over how they pathologize people with addictions to make them diseased, powerless, morally deficient, and full of character defects. It also explains how the liquor industry really promoted this idea of alcoholism as a disease that affects a small percentage of the population, whereas this book says ANYONE can become an alcoholic if they drink enough. Or drug addict, I suppose.

If marijuana is not addictive, how come so few people can stop?

But anyway, the book really spoke to me. I went to a couple of AA meetings and one NA meeting and never went back. I didn't like the lord's prayer and I didn't like admitting I was powerless because that seems really self defeating. In this book I am reading it explains that if you do get sober through AA, it is attributed to your higher power, while if you don't get sober it is blamed solely on you! That's so true! And it even has a section on how the powerless model is bad for women and minorities who need to be EMpowered. AND there is no scientific evidence that alcoholism or drug addiction is a disease at all.

I went to the Concurrent Disorders Education Group yesterday and learned about stress and how it works and how to manage it better, without relying on weed and stuff. I also got the schedule for all the topics of the education group from now until January. They are having one group all about marijuana and it's effects on persons with psychiatric illnesses. I wanted to stay for the support group part of it, but two hours is a bit long for me, although I mostly wanted to say I had finally been clean for three days in a row. It's a big achievement!