Never You Mind!

So anyways, life trundles on.  Steven got drunk on the weekend and woke us up at 2 and 4 am, so the next morning I went downstairs and banged a metal pot with a metal spoon.  Made me feel marginally better.

I went to Regina this weekend, spent time with my friend Blair and screened Boi Oh Boi and got a really good response.  I'm happy about that.

Yesterday I had my SAID interview with the lady from Abilities Council.  She went through all this stuff with me and we identified all these supports I had in dealing with things in life related to my disability, like dressing and housework and mood and safety and stress and a bunch of other things.  It was a fairly thorough assessment that made me realize how many supports I have as a disabled person to get through life.  My Mom DOES help a lot, it makes me worry what it will be like when I move out.  I've lived on my own before though.  And Mister is a support, because he calms me down when I am stressed out or emotional.  And even my phone is a support because I have set alarms all through the week that remind me of various things like taking my meds and taking out the garbage and going to my concurrent disorders group.

I haven't gone to my group in a while.  I should really go. 

And then of course I also have my psychiatrist and my psych nurse supporting me.  So yeah!

I will find out in six to eight weeks if I am approved to stay on the SAID program.  It would be nice. 

Christmas is coming up soon.  This will be our first sober Christmas in a long time.  Maybe it will make the stress easier to deal with. 

I've had a long day, had to get up early and stuff.  It's been exhausting.  Good though, I went to a bunch of art galleries in Regina and got to see my friend's show at The Dunlop.  Purty interesting stuff!

I'm just going to do some work and also write this paper and also get letters of reference and write some more stuff for my grad school application.  It's due SO SOON!  Yikes!  And there is only one application date a year for it so I really have to get my shit together.  I am thinking of purchasing this app from the app store called Scrivener, it's this majorly amazing writing software that can do essays, scripts, novels, all sorts of things.  I think it would be a good investment for a writer, and also it is only 45 dollars on the app store.  It's way better for longer pieces like novels than Word.  I had better download it soon!

We have the Cartoon Network for free for a while, so we are taping Adventure Time.  I am thinking of deleting the three seasons of Adventure Time off my laptop so I have more space.  Although maybe I should watch them all again before I do!

I downloaded Amanda Palmer's Theatre is Evil album off her site for free because I am a broke ass fan!  Maybe if I get majic money I will send a couple bucks her way, because it is a pretty bitchin' album.  You can find it at her website, www.amandapalmer.net. 

I'm still single.  The foretold girlfriend hasn't arrived, and November is nearly over.  I'm giving up.  I think I shall be single until I move away for Grad school and am really really busy with my career and then someone sweet will show up and I will get all distracted and mooney and forget to do my homework.  Either that or I will continue to go after bad emotionally unavailable women who don't really like me all that much.  Poor life choices!  I'm really tired of being drawn to women who don't feel the same way though.  It makes me feel shitty about myself, like no one will ever love me!  UGH!  So horrid!  So the story of my life! 

But there is more to life than being loved I guess.  I could just masturbate a lot and continue working on the Great Aboriginal Comedy Series. 

Actually, I have been single for so long that ALL my sex dreams are now about me masturbating feverishly!  In one I was using a glass dildo and a vibrator and an Oral B electric toothbrush ALL AT ONCE!  I don't know how I managed that with only two hands.  And in real masturbatory life it's pretty boring again, especially since my bottle of Slippery Stuff fell down the side of the bed between the wall and bed and I have been too lazy to fish it out.  Lube is pretty hot, and makes everything feel better, so you would think I would have fished it out by now!  But no.  OH!  But I did have a dream I was in an orgy with lesbians and transmen.  That was a pretty hot dream.  They were all faceless people.  Most of my sex dreams involve faceless people.  This means my next lover will have no face!  Ha ha, just kidding.  I think it just means I don't have any active crushes that I feel comfortable fucking in my dreams. 

I should go to bed, my back is cold and I am naked in bed and I want to wriggle under the covers and be warm on this wintery night!  I went to Regina today without a hat, how ridic is that?  I was freezing!  Winter is here to stay!  It came early this year, and hasn't melted away at all.  Last year was so mild.  Not this time! 

OK Cupid keeps trying to set me up with Bisexual women.  I wish I could find a femme lesbian, that would be AWESOME!  Oh well, nevermind.

Getting my shit together!

Today I imported two video files into iMovie (a really old copy) and made copies of my videos on two tiny tapes.  I also put away my hard drive and gathered my contracts and info sheets for my videos and found a box to ship it all away in.  I am now burning the required dvds.  Woot!  I will have my videos in distribution, thank god! 

I quit smoking today so it would be another quit on an 18th day of the month.  November 18th, I quit smoking.  I am doing the patch and having the odd lozenge when I get a craving. 

This is me before the snow came, with some new sexy underwear I purchased.  Yes, that is the Pilsbury Doughboy.  I was hoping I could wear it on a date, but so far I've had no need.  I'm just wearing it when I feel like laughing every time I go to the bathroom.

I'm spending money to make money.  It's kind of a drag.  I wish I could make money without having to spend anything.  I had to rent equipment for a shoot this weekend, and I had to buy a hard drive for my videos to send to Toronto.  I'm looking forward to when money starts rolling in again. 

I've gotten used to feeling hopelessly single.  I feel like maybe this isn't the best feeling.  I'm worried I won't find a girlfriend until I move away to Toronto.


More confessions, I found an ex by googling her.  Google is not my friend.  I shouldn't even have put her name in a search engine, I should have left well enough alone.  I was perfectly content not speaking to her.  Now I've seen her clothed breasts again and that cute face and I'm like "Oh shit!  Not this again!"  I can't be hung up on this woman forever.  No more! 

I've started a Tumblr, but mostly just to reblog things I find funny or smart or sexy.  I'm maintaining this blog still as my all original writings of my life.  I feel like I have invested too much into it to let it go. 

I've had a sore throat for two days.  I'm terrified of the big C word being involved.  It's probably a cold that I am fighting off, but it's still terrifying me.  I've got one friend with a tumor in his lung and another friend who has something abnormal going on in his esophagus, and it has really kicked me in the pants about this whole mortality thing.  I know one day I will die, I just don't want it to be horribly premature.  I feel like my struggles to stay alive during suicidal depressions which have been really terrible shouldn't be meaningless if I end up dying of cancer early in my life.  It's really made me happy I quit smoking, for what I hope is the final time.

I'm getting better at getting work done.  I still have some shit I have to do though, I am going to be busy this next while.  I am going to Regina this coming weekend for a show, that should be nice.  I always feel so weird watching my videos in the audience, because I totally pay attention to the audience reactions.  And it makes me nervous. 

I don't have any library fines!  I have to go get a new card because my account expired, but hurrah hurrah!  No fines!  I was terrified I owed my soul to the library.  I'm relieved that I can now take out books and stuff without using my mom's card.

I am behind in my readings.  I need to get caught up.  I am also applying for CSR jobs that pay good money.  I went for a keyboarding test (did I already mention this?) and scored 51 and 54 wpm.  With a 99 and 100 percent accuracy rate respectively.  Which puts me in the running for those jobs.  I hope I get an interview.

Although I do have so much work to do, I wouldn't be horribly sad if I remained jobless until January 16th when my grad application is due.  That's probably a bad thing to say.  I just need time to read and write and shtuff!

I didn't cook anything all weekend.  I still want to make bread!  Maybe Tuesday I will!

An Earnest Beginning to my Research

I have finally finally started doing my research for my scholarly writing I have to do and submit with my grad application! :D I am doing an essay about Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext, with possibly a look at the creation of alternate narratives (slash). I got access to JSTOR, which is a site that has a lot of electronic journals, and did a search for Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. So far the articles I have to read are:

Subtext and Countertext in "Muriel's Wedding" By Jill A. Mackey
Visual "Drive" and Cinematic Narrative: Reading Gaze Theory in Lacan, Hitchcock, and Mulvey By Clifford T. Manlove
Theorizing Mainstream Female Spectatorship: The Case of the Popular Lesbian Film By Karen Hollinger
Sexual Indifference and Lesbian Representation By Teresa de Lauretis
Queering the (New) Deal: Lesbian and Gay Representation and the Depression-Era Cultural Politics of Hollywood's Production Code By David M. Lugowski
Cruisin' for a Brusin': Hollywood's Deadly (Lesbian) Dolls By Chris Holmlund
Confessions of a Lesbian Feminist Slasher By Dale Rosenberg

I read the Muriel's Wedding one already, it gave me a few ideas. I have to get through the rest in the next few days. And then maybe look for some books or other articles which get cited. Then will begin my task of writing a good essay. One that will demonstrate my ability to write scholarly blah blah blahs. I hope I do a good job. I was happy to realize I can still read texts like these. I was worried I would feel totally out of my element since I haven't read academic texts in a long time. But it's not so bad. I feel like my topic could go so many directions, I want to mention how the Hays code impacted Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. I guess I could do that in a short space, I'm worried I'll get all rambly and go too many places with it. And slash could be a whole article all of it's own. I used to have a book by Constance Penley about slash, but I don't know what happened to it.

In other news, things are fine. Steven apologized about washing my Pendleton Blanket and I accepted his apology, so that is over.

I got my FODADA Cardigan that I won from OUTtv in the mail yesterday, I was quite pleased with it! It fits me, except the sleeves are too long, and it's black which was the colour I was hoping for! I like winning things!

That's the third thing I have won from OUTtv. I also won a Lacroix bracelet and a Gautier cologne set.

The only problem is almost as soon as I put my cardigan on, I got little white hairs all over it! :( Darnitall!

I made some rice krispie squares tonight. That was pretty awesome. I wanted to make some doukhobor bread too, but Steven is making baguettes, so there is no need to make a whole bunch of breads at once. I COULD make ginger snaps though, which would be really nice.

I've started reading fiction before going to sleep, and it's been helping me get to sleep a lot faster than looking at the computer late into the night. Thanks to my friend D'Arcy for the tip! I'm currently reading The Casual Vacancy. It's well written but I can't say I actually care much about the story. I am only at page 38, but so far it is just a bunch of people talking about someone who dies on page 2.

I'm still girlfriendless. I don't know when I will get one. I had heard October or November from my psychic, but she said that depended on me and I feel like I have failed miserably in my mission to get a hunny! I hardly even circulate anymore, I am usually at home knitting or reading or baking something. I'm acting like a housewife without a counterpart. So I don't actually get the benefits of domesticity, besides being well read and having a scarf finally and having nice things to eat.

Being sober is still going well! :D No weed, no alcohol. No nothing else for a while now. I did do something a couple of months ago, but it wasn't anything I had needed to quit and was an anomaly more than anything. So that's kewl! I feel like my options for meeting women has shrunk since I quit drinking especially, even though it has made me a happier, healthier person. BUT I am gonna go to the gay bar for the first time in MONTHS on Saturday for a party in support of Transgender Day Of Remembrance. I'm gonna wear a mustache and tie. And drink pop.

I'm so relieved I finally started doing my research for my paper. I was getting worried. Now I have to start approaching people to write letters of reference for me. I think I have the three people I was going to use in mind. My film prof, my contemporary Aboriginal arts prof, and my colleague and past curator Adrian Stimson. I hope they write good letters! :D

I'm applying for a job as a Customer Service Representative, and I need to get my high school transcripts and a typing test. I hope I am still a fast typer! I was last tested at 42 wpm. But that was a few years ago! We'll see where I am at now.

I have some work I have to do soon soon soon! And I have to get my hard drive and tapes in to VTape so they can distribute them!

AND I have to pay the damn deductible on my accident I was in in March. Shitty! That is gonna wipe out a huge chunk of change! :( Sad me!

But really, things are going well again, and life is getting back on track, and if I get a part time job that pays well I will be in a really good spot again and be able to start socking away money for school! I need to get a hundred bucks for my grad school application fee too. The deadline is January 16th. Eeeeeeee! It's only a couple of months away!

For Dedicated Readers Only!

UGH! I am starting to hate my family again. I guess I shouldn't hate EVERYONE because it's really just a few rotten apples that are pissing in my cornflakes. I am really wondering why I am friends with some of them on facebook when they seem to just leave asshole comments or are generally pissy.

I unfriended Steven quite a while ago and he never noticed and then he took down his facebook anyway, so whatever, he never sees anything I post. ANYWAY, I got this Pendleton Blanket from my Grandparents for getting sober. And it was kicking around for a while and then the cat puked on it. And I was gonna clean it off, but I kept forgetting about it. So Steven in his great wisdom decided to help me by not only putting it in the washer, but also the dryer. This after we had had two incidents with woolen things either going in the washer and getting wrecked, or being saved from his determination to put all fibres into the washing machine. So I had THOUGHT he had realized that WOOL DOESN'T GO IN THE WASHER! Arrrrrrrg! I don't think he knows what wool is.

So my blanket is shrunk and I was really mad and I made ONE status about it all day and my fucking cousin comes along and bitches about how I complain about Steven all the time and I just fucking had it. I'm tired of my family being so concerned about Steven's man feelings when he does stupid shit that pisses me off like wrecking my expensive sweater and my Pendleton blanket. I don't know why nobody cares that I have a fucked up living arrangement and no way to get out of it because rent elsewhere is fucking eight hundred dollars! Steven hasn't gotten drunk in a while, which is good, and I haven't complained about that, but in the past yes when he drinks I get pissed off because he turns into an asshole and disrupts our whole household. So I have posted about his fucked up behaviour, because I don't buy into the whole keeping quiet about alcoholism thing that fuels so many other alcoholic homes. I'm not interested in enabling any fucking man.

ANYWAY, he really hasn't gotten drunk in a while, so this was just about my frustration with his cluelessness about how to do the laundry. And I am tired of the cousin who bitched about my bitching, because of a lot of things but mostly because she pisses me off and keeps posting new age crap about this dawning world we are supposed to see that is SO psychosis influenced it scares me! I shouldn't be scared of psychosis fueled ideas, because I have had them, but maybe it's because I have had them that I am so annoyed by them. It all makes sense and like, you're going to be intimately involved with saving the world and blah blah blah, but it's just mania. IT IS JUST MANIA! And sure, sometimes it comes in handy, like for Winston Churchill who really did have to help save the world and was in a manic episode for most of the Second World War. But it just makes me cringe because I think of all the stupid stuff I said when I was manic and saving the world and how I thought I knew everything and was smarter than everyone else. I guess part of me worries that people have to go through depressions after manias to let go of those ideas and maybe she hasn't and is still mildly manic.

So anyway I put her on restricted profile so I wouldn't have to deal with her weird comments, and then I took her off my newsfeed so I don't have to read all those psychosis influenced posts. And then I just felt mad for a while at my family because I am tired of having interpersonal drama and it all seems to stem from Steven who I really wish I didn't live with but I don't have a choice. And a part of me just wants all these family members to actually step up and take Steven into their house and live with him and see what they think about the experience and if they would or wouldn't have a complainy status once in a while. And if they did complain I would just comment "Ha ha!" He is not an easy guy to live with.

But beyond all of that, I really want to get the hell out of this city. I'm not growing here. I'm stuck. And I don't really feel respected here, I feel like a lot of people think I suck. And I am tired of that feeling. I want to go somewhere where I can actually have a career again and be involved with my community and all that stuff. And Saskatoon isn't the place for it. I can't even make a television show here because the tax credit is gone. Anyway, I had much higher self esteem when I lived in another city away from my family. I was really good at self care and I had some strong support networks of friends. I didn't ever have like, scads of friends, but the ones I did have were really good friends who would like, take me in if I was suicidal and stuff. Here I feel like I am just getting picked on.

And I am pissed that it seems to be cousins who are acting like assholes. It makes me want to unfriend all my cousins just to get it over with because I feel like they are all going to turn on me one day. And I know they aren't and that I am close with some of them, yes yes yes. But also some of them are assholes. But I think they know they are assholes, that's not a newsflash.

Ugh! I am tired! I'm going to bed. I'm not going to post a link to this blog on my facebook just because I only want dedicated readers to see this, and not just whatever people. I need to get more selective.

I sound like I am bummed out, and I am not.

I got on social assistance, actually I am on the SAID program right now, which is good because it gives me extra money to live on. I filled out the official application and it has to go to Abilities who then come and assess me and decide if I am disabled enough for it. Which will be interesting, because my bipolar disorder is really an illness which fluctuates from mild to severe disability. Right now it is fairly mild, and has been for a number of years. But in the past I have had clearly debilitating episodes which rendered me completely unable to work. So I don't know what they are going to say.

I got my cheque today, and paid my rent, groceries, phone bill, and overdraft on my chequing account. I also bought Steven a pack of smokes because he gave me a bunch of his when I was still smoking, and twenty bucks. I still have some money leftover! This is quite amazing. I am going to use some of the rest to get a hard drive to send to my distributor with my videos on it. I'm tired of the limited distribution I am doing with my tapes right now, because I haven't gotten them to VTape and I am just getting shows here and there and not submitting them to festivals.

After that I will have a bit of money to go to the movies and out for dinner with a friend. And maybe some extra if I am lucky. I'm really happy I quit my addictions, because they burned through my money really fast.

I haven't smoked since yesterday at around 1:00pm. I've been doing patches and lozenges and I am doing alright. Indian Affairs DID pay for my patches again, and so I am determined to really do it properly this time and follow directions and NOT SMOKE! EVER! I picked up 100 dollars worth of patches the other night and I'm still using up my last box that I bought, so I haven't even started the new ones yet. I feel like I can shell out money for lozenges to get through the big cravings, because I hardly have lozenges anyway so it won't be a lot of money, like the patches are.

My no drinking no weed thing is STILL going strong! I don't want to fall off the wagon and I hardly think about it, unless I smell weed on somebody and get memories. But my last months with weed were awful, I felt so shitty every time I smoked up. Really out of control and freaked out, like my mind was going to places I didn't want it to go. Dark places. I started feeling like I was insane every time I smoked up, and I am, but like, actively insane. I can see what David Suzuki was talking about, how marijuana has changed even just in the decade and a bit since I started using it, more prone to inducing psychosis because the chemical that protected against psychosis has been bred out. I'm glad I don't have it in my life anymore.

And I am also glad not to get pukey drunk anymore.

Steven's listening to Depeche Mode downstairs, I think he is depressed. He found out how much money I got today from Social Services and was upset because it was more than his. I don't even know if I will get to stay on the program. I hope so, until I find a job. A good paying job.

I haven't gotten any phone calls from any of the jobs I have applied for. I'm getting weary of this, because I don't know what the issue is and I suspect it is racial discrimination. Cuthand is very obviously a First Nations name here and there are a lot of racists in this town. In this province. In this country. But I can't prove it's discrimination if they don't even call me in for an interview.

I'm still single. I'm getting bored of that too. My libido has STARTED coming back, I am actually being sexually active, albeit alone, on a more regular basis than before. So I am relieved, because I really didn't care about orgasms for a while there. And how can you not care about ORGASMS???? They are the best thing in life! I spent a large part of my formative years being obsessed with having as many orgasms as I could possibly have! Hell, I even went to bed early because of that! I used to masturbate in the middle of the afternoon. I don't do that anymore, sadly, because of roommates who are also family members. But when I move out, I'm so doing it! Anyway, I am still left wondering who this mystery girlfriend is gonna be and also feeling a little hopeless because I don't think my next girlfriend is in Saskatoon. I don't know where she is. Maybe she is here, I don't know. She's not on OK Cupid though because the only girls who seem to be there are poly bisexuals, and I'm not poly anymore because it fucking sucks.

I haven't knitted my hat in a while because I am still doing the ribbing and getting confused as to whether I have to purl or knit. I should work on that because the only other hat I found is a 30 below hat, and it's only maybe three or five below during the days, for which a knitted toque would be ideal.

My sleep is fucked up because I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. I also haven't been to my concurrent disorders group in a while because I don't like the new facilitators because they aren't as good as the old ones. I know they are learning and all that but I would be nice to get some recognition for having sober time instead of them saying nothing unless you've fallen off the wagon. Anyway, BLAH! Also we now have to fill out these evaluation forms every beginning and end of the sessions, and it takes up time because they have to explain them all the time and some people need extra help filling them out and we really only have an hour to all talk. So those are reasons I am not happy with the group anymore.

I should go tomorrow, but I have a whole list of errands I need to do tomorrow and it is going to eat up most of my time. Maybe I will check out an online NA meeting or something instead. Although I don't really click with NA.

I feel like I am getting ahead and yet am also stuck in a rut. I really wish I had a job or something. Or a girlfriend. Although word on the street is people on disability aren't as desireable for girlfriends as people with jobs. I'm getting so tired of reading things about how you shouldn't date someone if they don't have a job and live with their mother. The economy is terrible, what do you expect? Rent for a one bedroom apartment in Saskatoon is an average of eight hundred dollars a month, on par with Toronto, and I can't afford it. And I don't usually do well as roommates with people and I don't like having to move all the time. I like having long term housing situations. My best apartment in Vancouver was 450 a month for 300 square feet and I lived there for three years. And I was happy, because I wasn't moving around all the time and having roommate issues. I like long term housing. Some people move all of the time, and I wonder how they can stand it?

Anyway, this blog post sounds all kinds of bummed out, and actually I am pretty happy these days despite all of this. I'm glad I have a safe place to live with my dog and kitty, and I am glad Steven hasn't gotten drunk in a while, and I am glad I have things I am doing and looking forward to. I haven't done much work on my paper, because I still don't have access to online journals, but my mom gave me an idea of how I can get access so I am going to try. I also have to contact my references for grad school, and go over the application again and work on some extra scripts to send as part of my portfolio. I'm getting really nervous about grad school, I am scared I won't be let in and I will feel rejected and sad like a bad artist/writer, and I am also scared I will be let in and have to worry about moving to a new city and surviving on the tiny amount of living allowance that my band pays to post sec students. I'm scared I will be lonely, even though I know a bunch of people in Toronto, and I'm scared I will go crazy and need someone to look after my pets while I am sick. I am scared about a lot of things. On the other hand, having an MFA in Screenwriting could nudge me in a really good direction with my career. Maybe juries would take me more seriously with an MFA, and most film departments have a Screenwriting prof. I think I could teach about narrative writing a lot better than I could teach about technical aspects of putting 16mm through a Bolex. It would be more satisfying to me.

I'm also worried about the fact that I will be really poor in Grad school, and have to work a part time job along with going to school, and that it won't give me enough time to write and do the schoolwork I will need to do. I never worked while I was going through my BFA, and that was really good for me because I was secretly disabled and still had a full courseload and if I'd had to work I would have had a really hard time.

Anyway, BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wish my life was a bit sexier. I don't have a trip to Germany to look forward to. I have been thinking about taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the not too distant future, but I would need some major money to enter my life for that. I want to suntan on the black sand beach, and go to the Volcano park. I've never seen a volcano. They seem so exotic to me, being a prairie girl where geologically things are fairly tame. I'd like to see the raw power of the earth spitting magma. Maybe there is a film festival who will program Boi Oh Boi in Hawaii. One can only hope.

Also I am not applying for residencies until April, when I find out about Grad School. So I don't think I will be going anywhere exciting this summer.