Work and an update on the piercing (spoiler: It is awesome!)

So I went in the hot tub tonight.  I'm a week shy of a full month with my piercing though, hope nothing funky happens.

I have my second last shift tomorrow at the Jazzfest, and then my very last one on Sunday.  So I'm looking forward to it.  I am gonna miss my sister's birthday, but that is okay.  She will have Mom to spend time with.

I guess I should give an update on the piercing anyway, since my cousin inquired about it's healing and since I did have a reason for getting it.  I got my hood pierced because in the past when I have had it pierced it made me more sensitive to stimuli.  And anyway, I have had a hard time reaching orgasm for the past year and it's been pissing me off.  So I have been getting off recently and I must say it is working excellently!  I am having better and easier orgasms and actually getting over the edge again and it's really sweet.  I'm looking forward to having sex with a partner again someday.

This is the first summer in a few years that I haven't gone to Berlin.  I sort of miss it.  I really do love Berlin.  Tonight we were talking about our ongoing dream of winning the lottery, and I said if I did win I would go to Australia and New Zealand this winter.  It would be sweet.  I should get out of just going to Europe, there are other places to go. 

I did some research (I emailed a couple of people) and found out I can rent the event space with the green screen and some lights for a day from PAVED Arts for sixty bucks!  I also found a friend who can operate the camera for dinner and a couple of drinks! :)  So I roughly estimate it being about 85 bucks in total to make my next video.  Thank god I have an editing program and camera!  And tripod.  And microphone!  I guess I will also need a mic stand, that won't be much money.

Thank goodness for artist run production centres!

I'm still feeling hopelessly single, but I am distracting myself and that has been really good.  Working this week helped a lot, it got me out of my head and put me in a different mindset.  I have to do a lot of addition and subtraction in my head as a cashier, so that's been good too.  It's pretty basic, everything comes out to an even number except for the odd elevens.  I've been pretty accurate on cashout too, except once.

Anyway, I have done three shifts and have two left, and the woman who hired me thanked me for being a solid worker in my shifts and not getting sick or dropping shifts or whatever.  That was nice, especially since when I was addicted and using way back when I was a shitty worker because I would rather get drunk/high than work, and it made for a lot of absenteeism unfortunately.  No more!  I would have to be pretty sick to not work now, especially since this is only five shifts and then it's over.  Making money is pretty important to me.

There is a job I am thinking of applying for, it's in theatre and I would be mentored in directing.  I'm really considering it.  It's for nearly the length of a school year too, and it would be nice to get some experience working with actors.  Anyway, yeah, the application isn't due until August 2nd so I have some time to think and get my shit together.  It would start in September. 

I have been really wanting to get into doing some television writing.  I went to McNally Robinson today and looked in the screenwriting section, I was hoping to find a nice thick bible of rules for writing in a television format.  Like "after four pages leave a moment for the commercials" or something.  But I couldn't find anything.  In fact, the screenwriting section was so small, not even a whole shelf.  I want to write a couple of television series pilots and see if I can get them produced.  I have a couple of people in mind to approach to talk about being my producer, maybe next month I will set up some coffee dates to pitch my ideas to them and see if they have any ideas of what I could do or if they know someone else who could help me.  I used to be really snotty and all "I'm only gonna make feature films and television is garbage!" but I have realized that isn't true and that in fact there is a whole different way of telling a story in television that might be more advantageous for at least a couple of my plot ideas. 

So I'm going to try and get some money to write a couple of pilots and also apply for grants to make my more arty stuff and possibly also be mentored in directing so that I can direct a few of the episodes of my hit series!  And also go write and direct some features.

I think I will be busy when I am in my forties and fifties.  I don't know if I will make any tv or features in my thirties.  But who knows?

What else?  I think that is all for now.

Someday that dog's not gonna fit under the couch anymore

Dora's going under and out of the couch over and over.  She has to squish herself down really low to do it.  She doesn't have much longer that she will be able to squeeze under.

I am doing good, generally.  I am looking around on POF again, which seems to have more promise than OKC.  I am supposed to go on a walk with our dogs with this girl from POF.  I have to figure out when I will be free.  I might have to tell her to wait until next week. 

I have been hanging out with Mum a bunch.  I also did two shifts at the Jazzfest and it was awesome and also exhausting and I was offered another shift yesterday but I realized I can't work a whole bunch of days in a row without burning out, so I declined.  Too bad, it's more money.  Hmmm.

I bought myself some new sheets today.  They are 450 thread count! :D  They're a light colour, I'm taking a big risk because I am a heavy bleeder during my periods because of fibroids.  I'm gonna switch to my black sheets when it's that time though.  We will see!  I'm also planning on buying a new Duvet cover.  There are Pantone Duvet covers at Home Outfitters and I really really want one. 

I am helping an old friend move classrooms on Friday, she is transferring from one school to another and she's renting a truck and everything.  I asked for a banana split as payment, and ever since then every time I ask Mum for a banana split she tells me I have to wait until Friday, even if I use my own money! :O

I slept super late today, I was just exhausted!  I finally woke up around 1.  That's LATE!  Oh well.  Mom was telling me I have to get up early and reset my internal clock by seeing the light.  That's probably true.  I'm just lucky my meds let me get some sleep, some people with mental illnesses have the worst time sleeping.  I used to have bad sleep habits before I got properly medicated, I would sleep all day and be awake all night.  It was gross.  You miss so much because there's nothing to do between 12am and 10am, really. 

Little Mister is spry as ever.  The other day he and Hermione were playing like silly puppies, they were super cute!

What else?  Ah I am tired of feeling like a loser.  There's someone in my family who thinks people who don't have permanent full time jobs are lazy and losers and she resents them because she works SO HARD (even though she keeps getting fired for calling in "sick" to work when she is hungover because she has addiction issues) and it just pisses me off.  And now that I am working five shifts she is surprised because she wrote me off like her sister as a lazy sod.  ARG!  FUCK YOU!  I hate that shit.  I don't know why people think having a full time permanent job is the be all and end all of life.  There are other ways of living and getting by.  I don't want to look back on my life and be like "Yeah, I did call centre work for twenty five years and here is my retirement package and I missed out on having an art career but at least I went to work every monday morning." Fuck that!  I would rather look back on my life and see all the things I made that influenced people and the world.  Not fucking calling people for their dumb opinions on a toilet cleaner!

Some people are just shitheads.  If you want to waste your life working for the man be my guest!  I'd rather figure out a way to survive AND make important art AND travel to places for arty reasons, meeting interesting people and sometimes getting laid overseas.  I dunno, that is just me.  I just think people do things for ALL SORTS of reasons and I'm kind of sick of this one relative's attitude and also how she invited me out then expects me to pay for her.  It's an ongoing issue. 

People who don't respect that people with serious disabilities have limitations and are working within them make me sick.  I want to puke all over their judgemental little faces and shit on their beds.  But that's just me.  Seriously though, I've been running into people who bitch about me not working a full time job and they have no idea of ANYTHING about my life and why that would be the way it is.  Also being a full time artist is a lot of work, and it's an often thankless job that doesn't pay much.  I maybe make 3000 off my art in a good year.  So of course I need to rely on disability, and thank god it's there!  Anyway, I am tired of justifying my existence in this blog entry so I am gonna hit publish and go to bed, and masturbate! 

Aw shit, that reminds me my vibrator ran out of electricity and I have to recharge it.  Crappy!

Mammary Lane

So I missed the bipolar group last night because I didn't feel like going when it was time.  I went with my friend Amy Jo to Michaels and then to Chilis for nachos and an apple tart and I was SO FULL I felt like I was gonna explode when we went to Walmart looking for a staple gun and balloons.  And after all that I just hopped on the bus home. 

Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on!  We have to nip it in the bud!  I don't know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are!  They have such bad boundaries!  And I don't know how to discipline her in a loving way.  She has no clue what NO means!  Arg!  I gotta read, and fast!

She's sleeping right now.  She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though. 

My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day.  It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said "Black."  And I was like "Well duh!  I don't know why I even asked!"  But seriously, whatever, it's none of my business.  She recently told me she would NEVER love me.

Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me.  I guess feelings change.  But still, it smarts!  Oh lordy does it ever smart!

What a waste of time.  I hate unrequited shit.  It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it.  Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven't been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob.  And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me?  I am super loveable like peach pie!  But some people hate peach pie.  So it really doesn't matter.

And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  And sometimes I behave badly and I don't even realize it until it is way too late.  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend!  I guess it's complicated.  I've been single for a super long time.  Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon.  There's one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name.  And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now.  And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now.  She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn't even living here when we were goofing around.  I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates.  She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard!  Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated. 

Anyway, I don't know where Annie is.

When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit.  Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while.  But maybe that's just that thing about wanting the familiar.

The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also.  I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober?  It seems dubious.  I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe.  And it's kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move?  I don't really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?

Okay, enough with mammary lane.

I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep.  I have to stand in line and get my treaty money.  I have to go to group.  And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier.  We shall see! 

I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way?  It seems dubious sometimes.  Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don't know if I believe it.

Reject Bin Thoughts

I got captive bead rings back in my earlobes and it makes me happy!  I was worried those holes would be totally closed, but they weren't!  I am thinking of getting an Industrial soon too, because I really liked when I had one because they are so damned sexy!  They hurt like hell, and they don't heal for ages, but I think I would like having one again.

I had a good time at Concurrent Disorders.  There was some good sharing.  I didn't speak, but it was still nice to be there.

I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt I was telling someone "I need to drink or smoke or do drugs or SOMETHING!"  I discussed it and ended up smoking cigarettes because I thought it was the lesser evil, and fucking some dude.  Kind of a bizarre dream.  Things I wouldn't do in the awake world.  I'd like to have a dream about having sex with a woman, it might be more fun.  Although I must say there's this taboo aspect about romping with men that makes me more inclined to dream about it.  Anyway, I felt much more guilty about smoking when I woke up, I had that moment in between sleep and awake when it still felt real and I had regrets! 

It will be a year and a month without booze, and seventeen months without marijuana in three days and a bit.  Pretty exciting!  I'm happy I am still chugging along.

And on July 2nd it will be seven months without tobacco! :D

I'm tired.  Tomorrow is Pride!  Going to go to the Parade, I don't know how to bless my MEC black raincoat with the rainbow but I will try to think of something.  I should have bought a rainbowy umbrella. 

I wonder why I am having so many using dreams?  It's weird.

I have training on Sunday for this cashier gig I have at the Jazzfest this year.  I don't know where it will be though, I should find out!

I'm going to get an estimate for a tattoo I want too.  I think I might save it for when I get my next artist fee.  Ah shit that reminds me I have to get a contract back to my distributor!  I'm losing five percent of my payment so that they can stay afloat.  It's okay, it's still better than what galleries charge artists for selling their work.  Galleries pay artists fifty percent and take fifty percent.  I think that's a little unfair.  My distributor is just taking 25 percent.  So I still get a nice cut, which is really good considering how much work and money goes into distributing videos.

I'm feeling a little bummed out about this series of rejections I've been getting.  It's only two rejections in the past year, but considering how much I liked, possibly even loved, these two women, it's kind of a kick in the teeth!  I hate to think about why I am getting rejected.  I really don't think anything I could do would change how they feel about me.  I already got sober and that wasn't enough.  It must be my personality.  Which is so depressing to think about! Ugh.  And one of them still has me on restricted profile, and she rejected me last July so it's been a really really long time without talking to her or anything.  Such a bummer!  It would be nice if we could even be friends, at least the most recent woman to reject me is still open to being friends.  That's something. 

I dunno, I have to just move along really, I just hate that this city is so small and there are so few possibilities. 

At least happy things still happen from time to time.  For instance, my friend's snake just laid eggs.  They are duds, but still, snake eggs, that's kind of happy!  They didn't even know she was a girl snake!

General roundup

I went to Gay AA tonight.  It was good, I liked how friendly people were.  I still don't like parts of the AA/NA steps.  I guess it's the God thing.  Maybe because it's a roundabout thing for me.  I see God as being a network of all things in the universe including myself, so when I give my power over or whatever I'm really just putting the responsibility back on myself.  It's a little weird.  I'd prefer to be in a program that took personal responsibility for being sober and didn't act like we were totally powerless because I think that's bunk to a certain extent.  I mean, when the doctor's office called and told me I couldn't drink anymore, I stopped.  That's sort of powerful.

I also had a booster juice today which made me happy.  I love booster juices.

I had this massively hot erotic dream the other morning and I wanted to wake up and jerk off but I couldn't because my piercing is still sore.  It's stopped bleeding long ago, but I am still avoiding handling it besides for cleaning.  I think I poked it once just to feel the metal, but that was about it.

I'm feeling super emotional these days.  It's kind of nice actually, I haven't cried in a few weeks, but just knowing that those cry eyes aren't so far away is comforting.  It's sort of healing to cry.

I am gonna go to the bipolar group next week.  I'm hoping it's still a friendly place.  They used to call me up to give me a heads up to bring money for pizza and stuff.  I actually really like them, so I am looking forward to going back. 

And concurrent disorders is on Friday! :D

I have been looking into nipple piercing.  Apparently it's the only thing besides surgery that can "fix" inverted nipples, and I kind of want mine fixed.  I read one experience about it though that was pretty negative, her nipples were trying to invert themselves again and they were mucking up the piercings and she had to take them out in the end.  Also I have to find out about how the sensation is after piercing.  Already my nipples are fairly desensitized and I don't like it, I am hoping if they stick out they will feel as sensitive as other women with regular nipples.  Who knows?  I hear they hurt a lot to pierce though and that they take forever to heal. 

Then again I like sticking needles in myself even when I am not getting jewelry. 

We got a new puppy, I don't know if I mentioned her.  Her name is Dora and she is a corgi.  She's so freaking cute!  She's on my bed right now trying to find a good place to sleep.  I love her!  She's Mum's dog actually, but she is super smart and friendly and funny.  Little Mister savaged her today for getting close to his food.  Poor Dora!  She had a little wet neck from where he grabbed her and made her cry!  We met her when she was super little, I think she was three weeks old or something?  She was the complainy one, she made little cheep cheep noises if you didn't hold her the way she liked.  She remains a very vocal little pup, she likes to punctuate the silence with little play barks, and she cries when she's unhappy, and if she gets hurt she yelps longer than any dog I've met!  Poor baby!  I like that she's so vocal though, because besides when someone is at the door our dogs are pretty quiet. 

Anyway, blah blah.  I think I have more to say but it will have to wait until tomorrow.  I have to get up early to get Little Mister to his grooming appointment.  He needs a shave and wash and a nail trimming!

Realizations, piercings, Margaret's Peeves!

My performance in Prince Albert went well and was well received.  I also did my screening at the Broadway Theatre here in Saskatoon yesterday and it was really good mostly because people close to me who hadn't seen my work got to see it.  My psych nurse Joan even showed up with her sister and she really liked it.  I got my name on the marquee which was really exciting, I felt like a real filmmaker!  I think that's the first time ever! 

I've made some important realizations in the past few days.

One is about the fact that I keep going back to having the same old crushes or trying to be with past love interests and I finally figured out why.  I want the familiar.  I'm 35, I want to be settled down with somebody and I guess part of me feels like if I was with an old crush/love interest then I would have this nice long history already.  It's not going to happen, none of my old crushes/love interests want me.  I have to move on.  So I have to remember what it's like to be excited about being with someone new.  It's all unknown, which is scary.  But it's also a fresh start and a chance to be with someone who doesn't have preconceived notions of who I am and what I am like in a relationship.  Unfortunately all my past loves/crushes knew me or dated me when I was still heavily using, and so I think that has played a major role in why they don't want to be with me now.  And I have to accept that I am never going to have a chance to be a new person with them.  And that's okay. 

Another thing I have realized is how much being mentally ill has impacted my life's trajectory.  When I was twenty or so I was on this nice upwards trajectory in my career and so on.  And then my depressions got worse.  And then I got on meds and suddenly mania was thrown into the mix when I was 24.  And since the manic psychoses have happened, I have been severely limited in what I can do.  It's not actually so bad comparatively, I only went off my meds once and that was enough to learn I couldn't muck around with them.  But it has impacted so many areas of my life, my career, my relationships, my ability to simply get through the world.  I need a lot of help some of the time.  I'm lucky to currently be living in the same house as my Mom, but I also am hyper aware that people are constantly judging me for living with my Mom.  The problem with NOT living with my Mom is that I couldn't find roommates who could deal with me and my dog, and my dog is crucially important to my well being because he's a therapy dog who does a lot of work calming me down and making me feel safe and grounded when I am upset.  Also the current living situation is mostly good because we all take turns cooking for each other and like the same foods and basically can pool our limited resources and survive pretty comfortably, which would not happen if I had non-family roommates.

ANYWAY, I realize that people are judging me and think I am not paying rent or groceries or some bullshit or that I am just another loser who lives with their parent.  But the disability thing is a major factor in living with my Mom because she does help me out a lot.  And the dog thing.

So those are things I have realized.  I don't want to be an inspiration for anybody.  I just wish I could have a film career that let me make feature films.  And that I could someday move out and live with a girlfriend.  I've never lived with a lover, I've never been in a relationship for long enough to move in together.  In some ways I think it's a bit crazy to live with a lover, what about personal space?

Whatever. 

I went looking around on POF today for local ladies.  There are a few who seem cute.  Anyone who says in their profile that they "like to party" doesn't make the cut.  I'm starting to realize that maybe I should find someone who doesn't drink or use.  Which is hard.  I sometimes wonder if I should go thirteen stepping at an NA meeting or something.

Actually, there is a gay AA meeting on Wednesday nights and I might go again.  I went once with my cousin, it was good but I wasn't ID'ing as an alcoholic at the time.  It still doesn't seem to fit as a label, addict seems much more appropriate.  If there was a gay NA meeting I would go to that.  Hmmmm.  At the same time, I don't really like twelve step groups.  If there was a Gay concurrent disorders group I would be all over it.

The problem with Gay AA is that it is on the same time as the Bipolar group, which I also don't go to but want to attend again.  They gave out bipolar magazines, I forget what it was called BP something or another.  Bipolar Living or something like that.  I guess I could attend one group one week and the other the other week.  Back and forth.  Actually that is not such a bad idea.

My ex Margaret used to say she hated the word Actually.  "It's so awful, like "Actually your cooking is really good" like they expected it to be horrible!"  She also hated listening to people chewing on the phone!

Anyway, that's my blab blab for today.

OOOOOOOOH!  No I'm not done yet!  I got my hood pierced for the third time on Saturday at three!  It hurt a lot but for such a short period of time!  Like a couple of seconds, one second when she pierced it and another second when the jewelry went in!  It was awesome, I had such great endorphins after!  I was all WOOOOOOOOOOO!  And now I can't have sex for two weeks and I can't get someone else's bodily fluids on it for a month.  So blah.  I wasn't gonna get a chance anyway.  But I am hoping it makes me feel more myself, when I took the last hood piercing out it was only because I had to get surgery for my gallbladder.  I really felt sad when I couldn't get it back in.  I love my hood piercing.  I'm looking forward to a few days from now when I can masturbate again and relearn all the reasons I love having this piercing.

No Fat Burger! Noooooooo!

Well, it is the eve of my first performance in seven years!  I last performed just after my cousin Christopher died in 2006.  After that I sort of informally retired from Performance and decided to just perform in my videos.  But now, I have cooked up something new!  It's official title is Fling with A Colonizing Queen but I think it has been renamed Just Dandy.  It's about a revolutionary character at an Indigenous Resistance Meeting reading from her diary about her fling with a colonizing Evil Queen who gives her a dandelion which colonizes the land.  The background video was fun to make, a lot of dandelions and the Evil Queen (who is played by a Playmobil character).  Anyway, I discovered I have a typical formula for performance, reading text in front of a video while wearing a costume.  My costume this time is super simple, but in the past I have been an astronaut and Alice.  And music!  This time it's the God Save the Queen (the British Anthem), Greensleeves, and God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols.  So I'm pretty happy with it, it has come together well. 

I've also got my screening here in Saskatoon on Sunday at the Broadway Theatre, which I am excited about.  I hope I get a good crowd!

I'm so tired! 

I'm giving up on love again.  I'm tired of sayin it to people who don't want to hear it.  I don't really have any love possibilities these days anyway.  Everyone I liked has already rejected me at least once, and it seems kind of futile to try again.  I sent a message to someone a while back and she never replied.  I guess that's rejection?  It seems like I should take the hint anyway.  Ugh!

Aside from that crumby stupid stuff, things are good.  I might have a short and sweet job during the Jazzfest.  It would give me enough money for a tattoo, which would make me super happy as one of my arms feels too bare.  I had this envelope from the Corporate Registry which I avoided opening for three days and then when I finally opened it, it was totally not a big deal and was just a return I have to do which means saying all this info is the same and here is my eighty dollars so I can remain incorporated.  So I guess I will stay incorporated for another year.

I am trying to keep coming up with opportunities to make arty stuff and ride this nice wave of recognition I am getting with my career.  I was on CBC Radio One last Thursday talking about Boi Oh Boi and when I was gonna be a guy.  And I had my work presented in a conference in Victoria or someplace like that, which is nice.  And I am scanning all my email announcements looking for possible funding situations and stuff to make SOMETHING!  I'm not sure what.  I have a few ideas brewing.  Grant writing season will start in August or so for the October 1st deadlines, and I will be working hard on something for that.  Every so often I get an email from a festival that got my email from Tribeca, so it's kind of nice to see fests wanting me to submit.

I went to Regina this past weekend for Queer City Cinema and it was pretty awesome, I saw almost all the screenings and I got to see my friends and Blair was there and let me stay with her and she was super fun because we have great conversations.  The art of conversation is important.  Sometimes I am such a jerk at making conversation because I am bored and don't want to say anything, but I think that has to do with the content of the conversation.  Anyway Blair and I have interesting things to talk about, same with her boyfriend who is pretty cool.

I should get to bed, I have to get up earlyish and flip my laundry, find my birth certificate, eject this DVD, important things like that before we hit the road.  It doesn't take that long to drive to PA though, not as long as it takes to get to Regina!  Probably half as long.  Mom always wants to go to Fat Burger when we go there, I hope I can persuade her to try someplace else.