Tattoo! :D

Tomorrow is my Tattoo appointment! :D  Yippee!  I hope it goes well, it has been six years since I've been tattooed.  It's such a little tattoo.  It probably won't take long!  I'm excited.

I finally shelled out 109 bucks of my meager monthly income to get a 1TB external hard drive for storage of extra video files and other stuff.  It's a super sweet little drive, tiny, but big!  I managed to free up 376 GB on my laptop and now I am able to work with a lot more video than before!  Makes me happy.  My computer was so unhappy before, and FCPX wasn't letting me save anymore because there wasn't enough room on the computer!  Which is a major drag when you are trying to finish up a video.

I've got some good news I can't announce yet, but I can stoke you all up for some antici . . . . pation!

I'm feeling more able to fall in love with someone new.  I feel like I am getting out of the rut of unrequited loves that I was unfortunate enough to have.   I'm also appreciating this art of doing nothing yet letting things happen.  I feel like I am noticing opportunities more often, romantic and otherwise.

You know, even though I am always complaining about how there is no one in Saskatoon for me and I have to move away to find love, I think actually that I am wrong.  Over the last few years there have been a number of women I have attempted to court or ended up "hanging out" with and it involved maybe making out or sometimes just sexual tension and maybe it hasn't worked out with anyone yet, but I have felt like I could love at least three of these odd friends.  Which maybe means love can appear anywhere.  I know there was at least one friend that I was really sure I was falling in love with until she suddenly had a boyfriend and that all fizzled out.

But you know, the other problem is that I was also mired in addiction for most of my time here in Saskatoon.  I mean, the sober thing is still relatively new.  It's been over a year without booze, but out of the seven years I have been here, that's not much time.  I wasn't much of a potential girlfriend while I was using.  I was too interested in being high or drunk.  And I was sort of always hungry for substances, like I felt empty without them, which made me really boring. 

+++++++++++++THE NEXT DAY++++++++++++

I got my tattoo! :D  I am so excited about it!  It hurt mostly in one little area, the head of the dolly I was getting tattooed on my arm.  The legs and body and arms were like, a milder pain.  It's funny how tattoo pain changes depending where on your body it is being done.  It's on the inside of my arm too, which is sort of new for me, except for the armbands I have.  Anyway, here is a pic!

It's from two series of drawings my Mom did, "Misuse Is Abuse" and "Living-Post-OKA-Kind-Of-Woman."  She had this little dolly figure who was based off a doll Sky and I had when we were kids.

I wonder what ever happened to the original doll?

Anyway, my tattoo artist was super excited to be doing it and she got the sketchy aspects of it really well.  It's very faithful to the original, which makes me happy.  It's sort of a tribute to my Mom, without being a tattoo that says "Mom."  Mum is really happy with it, we keep looking at it and saying CUTE!  It's nice to know I will carry a piece of my mom's art with me everywhere I go.

I'm really tired, and I have been out all night.  It's almost four am!  OMG!  And I have to show the basement suite tomorrow between 1 and 3!  Cripes!  The pups are all asleep.  I envy them, they never toss and turn, they just lie down and that's that, they are out!

Sober yet mind altering!

So I am trying to get back to what I was doing when my blog was more popular, which is writing essays, and I think I sort of did that in my last entry.  But this post, since I haven't had an epiphany to write about, will probably be more like usual, just blabbing about life.

I was in Estevan this morning, Mom and I went down there yesterday for a closing reception of a group show she was in.  It was nice, but we ate all this road food for the last thirty hours or so and so I got tired of it.  The hotel was nice, we had two queen beds and I had a really good sleep.  I didn't do any driving down, but when we drove back up I drove from Davidson, which is just over an hour from Saskatoon.  Mom stuck her finger in my ear while I was going 110 km an hour down the highway and I was like "Ahhhhhhh!  Don't!"  I'm very inexperienced on highways, it still makes me nervous.

On the way back, just before we went through Regina, we took a detour to Rouleau which is where Corner Gas was filmed.  We got a bunch of pictures of us in front of beloved set pieces like the gas station and the Ruby.  It was fun.  The set was a lot smaller in person than it seemed in the tv show.  They had the Dog River police car there too.  It was super easy to find.  I kind of wanted us to go looking for Oscar and Emma's house, but it probably wouldn't get the same impact as those iconic buildings.  And besides, we were just passing through.

I didn't get the job/residency.  It bummed me out, but also it might be good because then I can concentrate on writing grants, which I have to do.  I would have liked to learn about working with actors, but maybe I can get some books out of the library, I should look at what they have.

I am going to be applying with my Mars project to the Sask Arts Board.  I'm going to do it as a web series though.  I really hope I can get funding, this will be the third time I've tried to get it funded, the first time applying to SAB though.  Canada Council juries rejected it twice.  Which means I can't apply to them again, at least not with this project.

I finally did my final report for Sask Arts Board.  All I have to do now is take it down and drop it off on Monday.  It really wasn't that hard.  I have another report I have to do for Canada Council, for my travel grant to go to Tribeca Film Festival.  Should be simple. 

I'm realizing I need to make a conscious decision to make a living doing my own projects.  Nobody's going to hire me to make a tv series or a movie if I don't just do it myself for a while.  I do get grants sometimes, the trick is utilizing them so that I am constantly learning new skills that are useful down the road.  Like, I need to work with actors, so if I can get funding for a web series, maybe I can hire some actors to work with for a few weeks or something.  And learn!  I don't know how I will make money, but clearly some web series DO make money, so I can look into that.  It's advertising.  Blah!

It's a Friday night!!!  I'm pretty tired, we got up early to come home.  It's my friend's birthday but she didn't invite me out with her to party, so I am staying home and anyway, she would probably just want me for a designated driver anyway and I am retiring from that.  I don't get treated well enough and it's a sucky job because drunks are incredibly irritating.  UGH!  And the bonus of being sober is that you don't hang out with drunks anymore, so why would I?  I do like going to bars, but not like, straight dance clubs.  UGH!  They are the ultimate in tedium.  I'd rather be in a gay dance club or a straightish pub where there are places to sit and food.  AND my friends who drink want to drink until the bitter end, and I'd rather go home around one.  I don't want to be out at two thirty!  BLEH!  So nope nope nope!  No more hanging around with drunks!  I'll hang out with them before they go out drinking!

I did go with my friend Daniel to this pub called State and Main and had some non alcoholic beers tonight, which was nice because we chatted about all kinds of things.  Then we walked through downtown at around 9:10 and it was already sketchy.  We passed a group of about four nine year olds who were smoking weed and exclaiming about the "Good Kush!"  They looked like they came from just over Idylwyld in Riversdale, and they probably stole it from their parents.  My mom pointed out that at least they weren't huffing, or doing IV drugs, which is true, it could be worse.  I thought I was over being shocked by drug use, but drug use, even something soft like weed, among pre-pubescent youth is still pretty shocking to me.

Daniel was asking me if as a sober person, there were things I do that are mind altering, or if all of that is gone.  I started coming up with a list of sober yet mind altering things, like exercise, and meditation, and piercings, and when I get tattooed this next week it will be mind altering, and pain like as in BDSM.  Which I really don't do nearly enough, if at all.  Not at all.  I miss it.  I never had it on a regular basis, it was a pretty special occasion thing, but if I had my way it would be more integrated into my life.

I'm getting tattooed by my Mom's friend's daughter Tramaine on Friday! It's going to be a piece of my Mom's artwork, her little dollies from Misuse Is Abuse.  I'm excited!  It should be a really fast and relatively easy tattoo.  Not as hardcore as getting all those scales done on my dragon.  It's going to be on the same arm as the Dragon too!  Mom likes tattoos because she says they are like warm drawings.  And I do want something for my mom, without just getting something that says "Mom" on it. 

Anyway, that's all she wrote!  She being me!  I have to sleep!

Utopia is Not A Wedding

I was gonna write a blog about being pissed off at some antifeminist fat hating men on facebook using someone's picture to be dickheads, but on the way I was reading some Tumblr and I saw a gifset of Sailor Moon's wedding to that Tuxedo dude, and it hit me.

I was raised by a feminist mother, I was raised by a single mom, I have been to two weddings in my whole life, TWO!  Yet I have been totally taken in by the media's pressure to aspire to a white wedding.  I always toyed with the idea of getting married one day.  When I realized I was a lesbian I switched to aspiring to having a commitment ceremony, until the laws in Canada changed and it was legal to get married.  Then I aspired to a wedding with diamond rings (which are fraught with bad politics!) and I guess a cake and shit like that.  It would be my happy ending, even though realistically it should be a new beginning and the start of something.  But I understand that the narrative arc of even the contemporary woman ends with marriage, EVEN for lesbians.  Maybe especially for lesbians because we have been reduced to being all about Gay Marriage.  Maybe it ends with children, but I never really saw myself as the child raising type.  But yes, I have been suckered into the wedding dream.

I can't even pinpoint when it started.  So many stories of women in pop culture have this be all end all wedding thing show up.  Or the suggestion at a future wedding which will finally bring this girl fulfillment.

And my Mom never had a serious relationship while I was growing up, besides the one with Dad which ended before I can remember.  And I never really put the wedding dream onto my Mom's life, I never thought she would be finally fulfilled when she had a man and walked down the aisle.  She seemed fulfilled without all that junk.  She had a career and her kids and her community and did a lot of work in the art world often voluntarily.  That seemed good enough for her.

But for me, no!  It had to be a wedding!  With people dancing and a cake and a reception and a small service which obviously can't be in a church because Christians are squicked by homos, at least officially.  Maybe in a garden?  Or if I was really daring, during an elopement at city hall, followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii or something.

Ironically, I didn't give a great deal of thought to the kind of woman I wanted to marry.  I mean, I think once in my early twenties I made a list of characteristics I wanted my girlfriend/future wife to have, but I've since then lost the list and also NONE of my girlfriends met all the requirements, even though some of them had serious marriage potential.  I haven't made a list in a long time.  They say it's a good exercise, you learn what you are looking for in a partner at least.

I'm sort of glad gay marriage wasn't legal when I was in my early twenties.  Not to disparage my girlfriends, it's just that I could see us making a rash decision to get married within a week and then having to pay a whole bunch of money to be properly divorced later on.  There was even one really sweet girlfriend who used to call me her wife, and now has a wife, who is not me, and so I sometimes wonder.

I am terrified of divorce.  I am terrified of having to give half my stuff to someone, garnish my wages for alimony, paying over a thousand dollars in legal fees to do the legal equivalent of ripping my marriage certificate in half.  I don't really think all divorces are like that, I just know if I marry the wrong person, I will also be destined to win the lottery just before the divorce and have to give half my winnings to them.  Even though they probably always made fun of me for the "idiot's tax" I was paying and that's just one of many reasons I am divorcing them.

So I probably already mentioned that my psychic said I have one more breakup before I meet The One I end up with for the rest of my life.  She was right about a lot of things, so I feel a little more hopeful that there will be a Forever kind of love in the future.  But it also means I have to earnestly have a relationship with someone and fall in love for real AND be aware that a break up is highly likely AND not marry them foolishly.  Which seems like a tall order.  Like being withholding, which is unfair.  She's been telling me about this next break up for seven years.  And so I kept finding women and seriously thinking "Yes!  I could break up with her!  It wouldn't be so bad!  Maybe it would be bad, but at least all the bad things between us won't be an issue eventually because we will break up!"  Terrible!  I have to stop thinking like that.

I just don't want to get married TWICE!  That seems tacky.  I know it's quite common, it just seems like I want to be really serious when I get married, I want to mean it, I want to be forever!  I want our ashes to be mixed together when we die, and shot out into space to orbit for six months and then burn up in the atmosphere and we will be falling stars over New Mexico or something.  Or Something.  I mean, I'm open to final decisions about our resting places.  I just don't want to end up in the Indian Graveyard that turns into a White Suburb.

My friends have been getting married all over the place.  I often don't have funds to travel to weddings, well okay I would probably never pay to travel to someone's wedding to be honest.  But I see the pictures, and they all seem like good ideas.  Really the most interesting part of weddings is that it's a chance to have a party to celebrate your lurve!

But I have a bad history with parties.  People don't want to come to my parties.  I hope people want to come to my wedding, but I am dubious.

Either way, I think I need to sit down with my feminist values and really contemplate future weddings and if I really want the inevitable let down of post wedding blues, when there are still dishes to wash and dog poop to pick up and hands that go all pins and needles from too much fucking when someone's having a hard time having an orgasm.  Actually that last bit doesn't sound too bad.  I don't mind fucking for a long time to get my partner off.  BUT my point is, it won't be the end of my life, credits won't roll, I will still have a lover who now lives with me and who I have to engage with every day even through the rough times.

I guess then it will just be the sex that keeps us together.  Speaking of which, I really need to get better at fucking, I wish I had more practice.

writing in a blackout

There is a blackout here.  BLACKOUT!  It’s super boring.  My phone died after providing me with enough Flashlight App to find my little Mister who had disappeared under my bed and was hiding out!  He wouldn’t come when I called him until he saw my light.  And then I held him while he trembled with fear.  Poor tyke!  I guess he doesn’t like power outages, I didn’t realize he was so attached to electricity! 

I’m writing with my laptop, just trying to remember how to have fun with no power.  I could always masturbate, at least my vibrator is charged!  I think . . .  I’m so bored!  Why is the power out?  It’s depressing!  I wonder if it is out at Grandma’s too! 

I got an artist fee today.  That was exciting.  I am getting a haircut tomorrow and also seeing about getting a tattoo.  I hope I get one!  :D  Yeeeeee!  Tattoo prices have gone up since I last got one, by about 60 bucks an hour!  That’s quite the steep jump!  Yikes!

I’m really tired, but I don’t want to go to bed with no power.  The power came on for like, a second, and everything turned on and then turned off again.  It was such a tease!

I saw my psych nurse today, that was alright.  I didn’t have much to say.  Things are good, or could be good, or are up in the air.  I don’t know about that job yet, which is worrisome.

I miss my ex’s posts on Facebook, she deactivated her profile.  It was just nice seeing her name pop up in my feed.  Oh well, maybe she will come back.

What else?  Jeez, this is a long black out.  I don’t understand, if they got the power working for one second, why did it go out again?  What’s going on?  And there were power outages elsewhere in the city earlier today too.  Are they doing rolling blackouts?  That seems ridiculous! 

My eyes hurt.  They always hurt when I put this moisturizer on.  It makes me think maybe I shouldn’t wear it.  Also I am tired.

I miss having power!  We should get a generator if the world is going to hell.  It might help.  I read a depressing article about how it’s way too late to save the world and places on earth are going to be too hot to be habitable by human beings.  And that we are just going to watch ourselves die off basically.   See, and this is why I am not having kids, we’re not giving future generations fuck all to work with!  It’s all because of apathy and soulless corporations fucking over humanity.  They should be charged with crimes against humanity for poisoning the world.  And it also looks like the Pacific Ocean is going to be dead pretty soon because of the radiation from Fuckushima.  Shit!  What a waste!  What have we learned?  Nothing!  We’re just committing suicide and taking everything with us. 

Anyway, bah!  I hate humanity somedays.

Little Mister is hiding in his crate behind me.  Poor guy.  He’s in his Thundershirt and everything,

Crap!  29 minutes left of my computer’s battery.  I’m bummed out.  The power had better come back!  I have barely any time left!

I have a good idea for my next grants!  Yay!  I am pleased about that. 

Where is the power?  What the hell Saskpower??? 

I’m tired of listening to the warning beep telling us we have no power, because it’s obvious we have no power and we don’t need no stupid beep reminding us!

FUCK!  Where is the power!  This is messed up!  It’s been well over an hour now!  And my phone is dead, and the house phone is dead, and my computer’s gonna die, and fuck then what do I do????  ARG!  I’m so bored!  I guess I could go to bed.  But what a crappy night.

Weird, it’s that powwow music again.  Every so often some car comes by playing loud powwow music.  It’s bizarre.  I thought we were the only Indians living in this neighborhood. 

Bedtime.  I don’t want to go to bed in the dark!  I know I am gonna turn the lights out anyway, but pitch black bedtime is weird!  I hate you SaskPower!  You suck!

Diminished Dreams

I haven't heard about the residency yet.  Hopefully tomorrow I will get news!

I had to do some work today and got a thing uploaded and then my Mom was like "Do you want to come for a car ride?  We're taking Grandpa to the doctor and he usually gets in really quick so it won't take long."  And so I go with her and Grandpa and he was at the doctor's for TWO HOURS!  They did take him in quick, but everything they had to do took so long, an xray, a urine sample, it was highly involved!  He's fine he just needs to take some pills for a while.  But oy!  I was sitting there playing with my phone and I got bored on Facebook so I went to Tumblr but my dash was full of naked ladies with their legs spread so I had to go to Twitter and then Savage Love just to have a more appropriate screen.  Awkward!

And then after all that we had to get his prescription filled, and then we had to visit my sister, and then we finally went home!  And I relaxed for a little bit and then I went back to work on my Final Report for SAB.  It's pretty much done!  I just need to make a DVD and make a copy of another receipt and then I am ready to submit it to their office!  So I am gonna work on that tomorrow and take it down to the office.  I also have to do a Canada Council final report, but I have decided not to apply for the Oct 1 deadline because I don't have a project for them yet.  Someday!  Probably in March I will apply again.  Arty business!

I have to write some grants, I am applying for a slightly larger grant from SAB, hopefully I get it.  I'm gonna apply for a web series. 

What else?  Dora the Corgi is getting bigger, and more polite!  Right now she is eating a moth.  Actually she got bored of the moth, she just killed it. 

I have too much of a tender heart for this world.  I hate cruelty, and yet I eat meat.  And I can't NOT eat meat, because I end up feeling sickly when I am just eating everything else.  And I hate reading news and terrible things that happen to animals.  UGH!  It really fucks up my day.  Oddly enough I don't feel so bad about terrible things happening to people, which is really weird.  Animals seem more innocent I guess. 

Little Mister needs his teeth done or he is gonna have to get extractions.  And it's gonna cost me 600 bucks.  Sigh.  I really need a larger income.  Somehow I will have a decent life!  I'll get a big contract to make a movie and make my fortune on the back end when everyone wants to see it and own it and show it. 

The funny thing is I used to have big dreams about being rich and living in a giant house, and now I just want enough money for some really basic things.  Like a condo and a car and to be able to pay for internet and cable and regular bills, and to go on vacations from time to time.  I wonder how I am going to do that.  Sad to see dreams diminish. 

Well, I think I am going to get all the pups to bed and do a tarot reading for my life.  I did one about my love life and now I think I need one for my career, since I am career minded these days.  I hope I hear tomorrow about that job! 

Someday I'll have my shit together

Final reports, so simple, yet the bane of my existence.  If you have ever gotten a grant from your federal or provincial funding agency, at some point you have to write a final report so you can apply for another grant.  A final report just goes over what you did with the money and how it impacted your career and what art you made (unless it was a travel grant in which case you say what screening you went to of which film and stuff).  I don't have problems with most of it, the tricky part is the budget, when you say what you did with the money and how much you spent on what.  Because you have already submitted that when you applied for the grant, and now you have to say the same thing over again.

Anyway, I am looking for my budgeted expenses for Boi Oh Boi which was made with an SAB grant, and I cannot find it.  Not in my email, not in my computer, not in my USB stick Marvin (which I had to use disk utility to repair), and not on Mom's computer.  This means one of two things.  One is that it is on my OLD computer with the broken finder which doesn't bring up things by name like it's supposed to.  OR I wrote it down into the paper copy of the grant and now it only exists at the SAB office.  Which is sadly the most likely option.  I have a really bad habit of doing that. 

So I guess I have to make up a budget that is approximate to what I applied for.  OMG!  I forgot to budget for living expenses!  THAT's where my money went!  Jesus christ!  I can't believe I forgot about it! If I had my budget I would see that right away!  Pfft!  Okay, I think I'm gonna be fine. 

I have to confess writing about struggles with final reports kind of bored me and in my distraction I ended up doing some minimal editing on Just Dandy, which I haven't had time to sit down and really chop away at.  I have had time, but people keep wanting attention.  I need to be a more strict and mean artist and say "Go away I am working!"  Instead people ask me to give them rides or visit or stuff.  Sigh!  And then Mom will go to the grocery store and I will want to ride in the car.  Easily distracted.  I need to be more dedicated to honing my craft and my artworks.  Maybe I should get really crazy one night and drink two litres of coke and edit all night, like I used to do in film school.  Actually that's a lie, the school closed at 3am.  And I couldn't go back until 7am.  But believe me, I was there when it closed and I was there when it opened.  And slowly going crazy at the same time.  Hypomania multitasker.

I'm kind of sleepy now, I don't think there's going to be a crazy night of editing.

I had an interview today!  I think it went really well.  I have high hopes.  I will hear on Monday if I get the residency.  He said it doesn't pay well because it's a mentorship opportunity, but he said it pays enough to survive.  I hope I get more than I am making now!

What else?  Making a video.  Writing a report about the last video I made.  Also another report about going to Tribeca Film Festival.  Then when those are done and mailed off, I have to write possibly three grants, one of which will be a travel grant, for two funding bodies, about two projects and one presentation coming up.  It's gonna be insane.  I'm gonna be so busy!  I need to get my shit together fast, Oct 1st is the deadline for the grants, the travel grant I have to do right away.  Ahhhhh!  Here's me going "Ahhhhhh!" and waving back and forth with a swirly behind me sucking me into a vortex of art hell. 

I need money.  I hope I get money soon.  I need fall shoes and a haircut and Little Mister needs his quarterly shave.  And I owe Mom money from the car accident and Little Mister's vet visit. 

Blah.  I have been dreaming about someone and it's really goofy.  I'm trying to ignore it.  I had a dream I had to choose between a hysterectomy or death, so I chose death and the doctor gave me a pill I was supposed to take on a specific day so I would die, and I was preparing for it and getting my affairs in order and then I realized my ex would cry for me because we had a thwarted kind of love and now nothing would ever happen and so I changed my mind and got a hysterectomy instead.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT??????  She doesn't care, she wouldn't cry if I died, and she was the one who thwarted our love in the first place so it doesn't matter.  I think she is just this convienient stand in for anyone I've loved.  It is so ridiculous. 

About the hysterectomy, I am worried I will have to have one.  I have terrible fibroids and it causes massive bleeding and I didn't like the birth control so my next option is an ablation but I'm concerned in the end I will need a hysterectomy anyway.  And I've heard rumours that orgasms aren't as great when you have no uterus.  Which concerns me.  I am very pro orgasm you know!

Clean and Beautiful

I got a call today.  It was to set up an interview for tomorrow for that job I want as an artist in residence!  I'm so excited!  It's such a different type of job that I'm really not sure how to prepare for it.  I am going to aim for clean and beautiful with nice clothes.  It's at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon.  I have to get up early and eat something so I don't faint from hunger.  I have to wash my face and brush and floss my teeth and get my hair looking decent.  I had a shower tonight so I will probably be okay for tomorrow.  I haven't had a job interview since the SaskEnergy interview this last winter.  It will be good for me.

Plus this job/residence would be good for me because I will get mentored in directing and stuff.  It will help me grow as a professional and give me some learnings I can apply in my career as a budding director.  Maybe people will be more inclined to give me chances to direct actors in my films.  That is the direction I want to go in, which would be super sweet.

So that's what's going on!

My Auntie Beth is in town and we are hanging out.  It's really nice, I like having conversations with her because she is a writer and you can tell in how she tells stories from her day or her past or things she has heard. 

I saw my grandparents today.  We brought them cheezies and chocolate and tiny bottles of water and stuff, Grandma said "I love you!" when she saw them.  It was cute.  I'm lucky to have my grandparents in my life.  They have been very involved in my life since I was tiny. 

What else?  I dunno.  I saw another cousin today.  That was nice.  I played with the dogs like I do every day.  Oh!  I talked to one of my best friends, Robin, today!  We had a really good conversation, talked about stuff I don't write about here.  Good and bad.  I am hoping our paths cross real soon, I have missed that girl!  I met her in 2002 and got a giant crush on her and since then it has evolved in true lesbian fashion into this friendly close friendship.  The kind of friendship where you tell each other you love each other.  I have only had that type of friend a few times, but it always means a lot.  Margaret and I say that to each other too, but I haven't talked to her in a while.  I should, I miss that girl too! She has a mini me now, a little boy who's as much of a weirdo as she is.  She's so lucky! 

I could go on and on about friends I love who live far away!  I have a number of them! 

Dora is getting better every day!  Today she wasn't so nippy.  And tomorrow she will be even less nippy.  She's starting to stop trying to eat my fingers when I type in bed, which is nice. 

Little Mister is a lesbian's dog who doesn't like men!

I'm really just writing here to get everything out so I can calm down and go to sleep and get up early tomorrow.  It's all exciting! :D 

I'm projecting onto one of my exes and it's really bad.  I can't possibly know what is going on in her head but I am making up all this stuff based on goofy signs and I have to just let it go and move on without fretting.  I guess part of me still wants to be good friends with her, but I have a feeling she currently has issues with me and that's what I'm projecting because she might just be having a crappy time independent of me. 

And I might like someone new, but I am not sure, and I am still cultivating the art of doing nothing so I am just getting to know people without expectations.  But it's a nice feeling, to have one's interest piqued.  It helps you feel alive.

Falling stars

For the second year in a row I have seen more meteors than my Mum!  I just beat her by one meteor though, 7-6.  We sat for an hour under the stars on our deck, and ate popcorn and I drank a pop and she had a beer and we chatted about space and girls and all kinds of things.  It was really nice.  The dogs had fun out there too, Mister went mouse hunting but then came back to sit on my lap for a while.  They also had popcorn.  We saw a big light in the sky and were hoping it was the International Space Station, but it turned out to be a plane.  Disappointing! 

I like watching the meteor shower with Mom.  It's so relaxing.  There are lots of little things moving through the sky, all kinds of satellites zipping by in all directions. 

Today we finally cleaned out my old office.  I now have my bookshelf and all my books moved upstairs into my room.  I think once I get them put away my room might finally be complete.  I haven't been much of a reader the past year or so.  I think it's because my books aren't handy, or weren't handy. 

Mom and I talked about my career.  She was asking what the psychic said about it, and I told her she had said I needed to let go of thinking I couldn't make a film without paying actors, because it's alright to give them some footage of themselves working as payment.  It's true, I feel like actors should be paid, but at the same time no one wants to give me funding so I can pay them.  So basically I am gonna have to find volunteer actors.  And it's been a stumbling block.  She also told me I would live a comfortable life, but I really hope that doesn't mean I'm going to live with Mom forever!

I told Mom that outer space smells like seared steak!  That's what I read somewhere, bizarre!

I got an email a while ago that I am going to be called in for a job interview.  I am waiting, I heard the person who emailed me went on vacation last week though, which was the first week after the closing date for the job.  So hopefully this week I hear?  I hope so!

We got some disturbing news about our neighbors.  I can't even talk about it, but it's disturbing.  It's made me a bit creeped out.  Someone has to report them, so that's happening tomorrow.  They've always given me a bad vibe, there is something up with them.

I'm tired.  I should go to sleep.  Dora is not allowed on my bed tonight because she was being a brat, so she went somewhere else to sleep.  Little Mister brought me a bird today.  I threw it away, we don't know if he killed it or found it but I think he found it.  It was little and had greenish feathers. 

What else?  Oh I don't know.  I was busy today.  It was sort of nice to be busy, and to visit my cousin who I haven't seen in a while.  Sometimes cleaning feels good.  It's nice to look at something and see it progress.

Doing Nothing, Feeling Everything

I made jam the other day!  It was such an involved process, but in the end I think it turned out well!  The jam itself tastes super good, just like Grandma's, which isn't entirely surprising considering I was using the same CERTO recipe she used to use.  I think I am gonna make more!  The only thing I did wrong was I didn't fill up the jars as much as I should have, but I am giving a lot of it away so hopefully they will start eating it soon anyway.

I had a dream last night that my ex whatever and I were back in high school, only the high school was an English Rider Immersion Program and we all wore jodhpurs and those helmets and boots and jackets and carried riding crops.  Now that I think more carefully on it it was kind of a sexy dream, except there was no kissing or anything.  And then we both went to the carnival!  Which was sweet.  I haven't been in years and I don't think I am going this year either.  I had a candy apple at the Powwow yesterday, I think that's as good as I'm gonna get!

I have to do some paperwork for arty reasons, and start working on a couple of grants.  It's a pain, but also a good exercise for clarifying artistic visions.  I have until October 1 to get my grants done.  And my final reports.  It's time!

I am working hard on doing nothing, I mean, in a sense of my romantic life.  In other parts of my life I am quite busy, but I am trying not to act desperate or make grand gestures to women.  So far, it's going alright.  I think I am feeling a little more confident by not doing anything, oddly enough.  I don't know what that's about.  I'm not feeling so lonely, even though I'm not really dating anyone or anything.  I guess because there is no pressure on me to find someone, it's given me some space to just think.  Maybe this time someone will make the moves on ME!  Even my ongoing unrequited love has kind of faded into this calm background noise.

I have discovered that there are three women I am still in love with and have realized I will always love them.  My ex Ivana, my ex Amber Dawn, and my ex Rheanne.  And I think maybe it's okay that I will always love those three women.  They played a significant role in my life at various points.  I know Ivana and Amber Dawn were my most serious relationships, so it makes sense that I would love them still.  And I lost my virginity to Rheanne and she was my first love, so that makes sense too.  And just because I love them doesn't mean I think they were perfect for me.  Our relationships had a lot of flaws.  But that's okay.  Because people are naturally flawed.  I don't think it even matters if they love me back or not.  It would be nice, but it's not necessary.  I can still have a full feeling even with it not being returned.  And maybe it's just a good thing to accept that those three women made a mark in my heart. 

So that is what I have learned so far in doing nothing in my romantic life.  Making peace with the past is good for me anyway. 

And now I am tired.  I should go to sleep, dream of jodhpurs again!

don't eat my fingers!

I've totally been listening to this song over and over!  It's so catchy! 

I'm doing well.  I had a good day yesterday, went for frozen yogurt with this new friend.  We had good conversation, which felt nice.  I could hang out with her again.

Oh man!  Dora is barking at me over and over right now!  She has such a high pitched bark!

I had a dream I was giving birth!  And I had planned to give this baby away but then I suddenly started thinking about keeping it.  It was so weird.  And then not to be outdone by me, my best friend went into labour too! The last thing I remember is saying to her "Maybe our babies will be best friends!"

I'm going to be making jam tomorrow.  JAM! :D  My favorite thing my Grandma used to cook when I was a kid was Strawberry Jam.  It was so freaking good and way better than store bought jam.  She would make bannock for us to eat it off of and we would just sit there eating all this jam and bannock.  I miss that.  So I am trying it.  I have nearly perfected pies, now I just have to do more!  My favorite things!

I remember when I first quit drinking and drugging, I thought life without all that was pretty boring.  But since then I have realized it is the opposite, drinking and drugging were boring and making me a dull person, and since then I have discovered a lot of fun and interesting things in life.  I feel like I have a fuller life now.  It's good. 

This dog is trying to eat my fingers and I am tired, so it's time for bed!

Discoveries

A lot can happen in a day!

Someone replied to the ad I placed in "Long Lost Relationships" looking for my long lost ex lover and gave me the name of someone who I then messaged who gave me my long lost ex's name, which she had changed two times since I knew her.  As it happened the last time she changed her last name was when she got married to her husband and now she has children.  So that's that!  I'm glad I know what happened to her now though, because I had been curious for so long.  And now I won't be wondering in the back of my head.

Tonight I cleaned my room.  It looks way better.  It's too late to wash my sheets but I think I will do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am finally hanging out with the woman from OKC! :)  I have no expectations, it would be nice to have another friend.  She seems nice, we friended each other on Facebook, so I know the kinds of things she posts sort of. 

I have to do two things this weekend.  And they both involve the postal service.  I had better get on that!  I think I have printed out my updated distribution contract four times and never bothered to go to the printer room and sign the damn thing!  Gotta get on it!  And I have to mail away a DVD!

Tuesday I am hoping to get a call about setting up a job interview.  So that will be nice.

What else?  Aw, not much.  I had a dream last night that I had a girlfriend, and it wasn't one of my exes.  So I guess that means I am going to move forward with someone new eventually.  I was having a bunch of dreams about one ex for the last month, just make out dreams.  And I think it was just loneliness.

I'm really tired.  We watched Indiana Jones for like, three hours!  I'm exhausted.  And I have to be up by noon, so I should get to sleep!  Gonna cuddle my pup! <3 br="">