Raging

I don't know how long I didn't have much of a sex drive, my libido was gone a LONG damn time.  I might be inclined to say it was diminished significantly for two years.  Anyway, the other day I was on the bus, and I was thinking all these sexy thoughts, memories of things in the past, fantasies of things in the future.  And it was driving me INSANE!  I was missing kissing and sex SO DAMNED MUCH!  I wanted my mouth on nipples and pussies and feeling girls from the inside with my whole hand and being filled up and humping and all kinds of things!  I was going NUTS!

So I was telling my cuz Deanna today "I don't know what's going on with me, I want sex and kissing and it's making me INSANE!" And she said "Maybe your libido is back!"

And I think she is right!

So on one hand I want to be all "YAY!  I am horny hear me roar with wetness too great to ignore!"  On the other hand *womp womp* I am single.  Terminally single.  And there's nobody on the horizon.  I even went to Take Back the Night hoping for some cute girls, but then I felt like a 35 year old OLD person.  So many politically aware girls doing their undergraduates.  And I feel too old for them.  So womp womp. 

I keep scanning OK Cupid and Plenty Of Fish but it's the same folks on there and I don't really get that spark.  Then again, it's hard to tell if there is a spark just from someone's online profile.  You sort of need to meet. 

Anyway, I was hoping to go to Indigo Girls and see a bunch of local lesbians, but I never got a ticket so I am out of luck because it's fricken sold out!  And now I am poor again anyway since I paid my rent, groceries, phone bill (2 months of phone bill), got toiletries, 6 pairs of new socks, an iTunes card, fake beer, and some glow in the dark nail polish.  Tomorrow I should get some cash though, because I wrote an article for a local paper.  I hope!  I also have an honorarium coming up from the University, and GST comes on Friday.  AND I have to get in a travel grant on Tuesday for going to ImagineNATIVE! 

OOooooh!  Maybe I will meet someone in Toronto!  That would be nice!  I could have sex and get all hung up and have longing in my life again!  And skype sex!  Which I have never had so you know, there are always new things to look forward to! 

I'm so tired.  I should go to sleep soon so I can engage in some stress relief before I am too tired to do anything.  If ya know what I mean.

Side note: I have discovered in the past two weeks that my sense of smell has improved since quitting smoking almost a year ago to the point that body odor REALLY bothers me.  I mean seriously.  SERIOUSLY!  Some men are SOOOOOOO stinky!  And some perfume is too rank!  It's starting to make me want to go for a walk instead of riding the bus.  For some reason it is always the bus that is the worst!

Breaking away from Facebook

Today, purely by chance, I was barely on Facebook.  I went on for a little bit later in the day, just skimming over the feed.  But in the morning I read my notifications and then went on with life.  What did I do?  I drove Mum to work, and then I watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black, then I went and picked her up and we went to a terrible Italian restaurant with my gift certificate and got not very great food.  And then we came home and I went on a bus ride and listened to music and then came home and watched the last two episodes of Orange Is The New Black and then I went on Facebook a little bit.  And that was that.  There is life outside of facebook!

I talked about it with Mom at dinner, and how nice it felt to not be on Facebook.  It was kind of freeing, it put me in a much more peaceful frame of mind.  Because to be honest, sometimes things people post on there piss me off.  And it really depends on the day, but like, pictures of animal abuse, or exploded children, or like fucked up shit like that.  Or triggering pictures of weed which make me remember my old friend/foe of addiction.  Or just being ignorant and making me think less of my friends and/or the company they keep.  Sometimes I want to tell friends "Man, the company you keep SUCKS!  You need better filters for who you let in!"  But I mean, it's really not my place to say that.  And plus I am sure they could say the same about some of my more unsavory friends.

ANYWAY, it was nice to have a long period of time away from Facebook, because I am normally on it so much.  I felt like, in control, and peaceful.  And engaged with a different part of the world.  I want to watch more shows on Netflix, I think seeing more movies and television series would help my creative process.  Like how writers need to read lots.  Keeping up.  It's nice to watch a well crafted program.  And it gives me ideas.  And that is more useful than reading someone's drunken rant from the night before, I guess.  I feel like I get caught up in petty shit when I am reading too much Facebook.  So I am going to put limits around my use, kind of wean myself off it but not get off it completely.  Because it does still serve a purpose. 

Oh man, I have to do a grant by the end of the month!  TWO GRANTS!  It's scary!  I need to get that shit together!  If I don't get a grant in January I am going to apply for another grant in March from Canada Council.  I have to think of a good project for that though.  Tomorrow is Concurrent Disorders again already!  I might go to both parts of the group.  I might have the stamina to pay attention for two hours!  Tomorrow we are learning about the Transtheoretical Model of Change apparently.  Who knows what that could be about!?  I'll see what I feel like when I wake up.

I didn't meet anyone in the last two weeks.  My horoscope gave me false hope!  I really thought I would meet someone but the only person who piqued my interest, I just stared at and looked away and never even said hi to!  Sad. 

I'm getting tired.  Dora the corgi chased the mailman yesterday.  She ran straight out the door and over to the next yard and circled him wiggling her little bum in sheer delight.  None of our other dogs have ever caught The Mailman.  She's going down in doggy history!  Little brat!  I threw her into the backyard when I checked the mail today.  Goofball! 

I have some decisions to make regarding my company, and I am fairly close to deciding to dissolve it.  I have to pay 185 bucks to get it back on the corporate registry, and I don't have the money and I also don't think it's worth it.  So I might not do it and ask for my 80 bucks back.  I would have to figure out what to do with the website too.  I don't know, I am really torn.  I need to carefully consider my next moves.  I think dissolving the company might be for the best, because I am not using it and it is just a pain.  Sigh.

I don't know what to do about my gst number either.  Do I have to get rid of it??  I'm confused.  I should talk to someone about this.

What else?  There are things I want to do more of:
Visiting my friends
Calling my long distance friends
Knitting
Baking
Watching tv series and movies
Writing
Going for walks
Exercising at the gym

Basically I just want to be overall doing more things.  OH!  Also doing private journalling.  I feel like I could get some personal stuff out of my head if I wrote it down.  I need to do that more.

Well, I guess it is bedtime!

I hope tomorrow is a good day.  I didn't shower today and I feel gross, I can't shower now because it is too late!

Facebooking you all to hell!

Sometimes when I get in a writing mood, I write voluminous facebook statuses.  Well, I mean, not A LOT A LOT!  But more than usual, and then I worry that I am driving people nuts and I realize I want to write a LONG blog and not short little microblogs like statuses.

Anyway, I guess I can tell you my good news!  I am going to Toronto next month for ImagineNATIVE!  Sight is screening there so I am going and seeing friends and after ImagineNATIVE I am screening a bunch of my videos for the 2 Spirit Skillshare and Regent Park Film Festival's screening, artist talk, and reception of my work! :D  Yippee!  And if I can, I might take a couple days to go to Montreal and toodle about visiting friends.  I haven't been in years and years!

Also I found out today that Sight is screening at MIXNYC in November, and that I will be on CFCR on Sunday blabbing about my films.  So that's all really nice.

I hope I win for best experimental at ImagineNATIVE, 1000 bucks would help me out majorly!  But I'm not going to get my hopes up too much.

When I was a nerdling, I had dreams of winning the Science Fair.  I never did.  My projects were too arty not enough sciencey.  It always crushed me.  And schools I went to didn't place much emphasis on Art as a viable skill which should be encouraged, so there was never like, an Art Fair.  I couldn't crush my classmates with my mighty arty hand!  So unfair!

It was kind of cool when I was getting requests from all over the world for my first tape, Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory.  Mom answered the phone one day and this lesbian in Berlin was calling to get me to send a copy to their Lesbian Film Festival.  But my classmates didn't care about my hot property video doing the festival circuit.  They were too busy popping pimples and trying to get laid.  No, I really don't know, everyone had different motivations during high school.  I'm sure some were just trying to survive.  But Aden Bowman wasn't a hostile environment, at least not to my knowledge. Not to me anyway.

It's really late and I should sleep.  It's the weekend yo!  We got the car back today and it looks SUPER nice, all cleaned and fixed and spiffy!  It's way better to drive than that sucky Cobalt loaner we had.  I love our car! Mom's car.  But she lets me drive it almost anytime I want to, which is nice!

What else?  Oh, I have writing to do this week for money for arty things, grants and pitches and that kind of thing.  I have two projects I am trying to get cash for.  Eeeeeee!  Hopefully they both come through and I can be busy all next year making films.

Queen of the Babes!

OMG!  I saw the BABELIEST of Babes yesterday at the Library!  She was walking by with a guy friend and totally made long eye contact with me and I was so flustered I didn't know what to do and I looked away and then we were at the library and I was like telling my mom "Did you see that?????" And she did!  At first I was just staring because she was so clearly queer, but then I kept looking because she was so cute and looking back at me!  Anyway, I am kicking myself for not going up to her and getting her number or anything!  I don't even know her name!  FUCK!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Anyway, I put up a missed connections ad, maybe she will see it?  I'd be super lucky if she did!

I'm going to have to go out even more to queery events and venues hoping to see her!  Take Back The Night is coming up, maybe she will be there.  Also I could go to Divas again.

So anyway, it is really nice finding new people attractive!  It gives me hope!

I'm trying a new bedtime routine.  I took my night meds about half an hour ago and I am also drinking a cup of Sleepytime Tea.  So far I am getting yawny.  Last night I put away my laptop and read Take Me There which is an anthology of trans/genderqueer erotica.  It's pretty hot.  I got to sleep easier reading a paper book than reading things online with a bright screen.  But I still slept in.  BUT it takes a while to get good sleep habits.

I think I will probably sleep soon.

I've been watching Orange Is The New Black.  It's entertaining me.  I know there is a lot of criticism around it, I guess I am just liking seeing queer women having queer sex and queer feelings.  Plus Laura Prepon is pretty hot, I always liked her, way back when she was Donna on That 70's Show. 

I'm applying for jobs again.  There is an admin support job I applied for with the provincial government.  I doubt I will get a call for an interview, but one never knows.  I think I should stop disclosing my minority statuses in that one section.  They always say they are committed to being a diverse workplace, but then they don't call and it makes me think they are looking for whiteys. 

I don't know if I care if I get a job.  Well, the money would be awesome, that's why I want a job, but besides that I might feel trapped and unable to have an art career.  They don't make it easy to take breaks to travel. 

Well, my sleepytime tea is done and so am I!  Time to head for bed!

A Change in Seasons is as Good as a Rest

It's now September.  Ding!  Time to get excited about a brand new season, fall!  Named after the falling leaves I assume!  I am actually looking forward to it, the crisp bite to the air, the crunch of the dead leaves underfoot, drinking endless cups of fruity teas, settling in for a good knitting session with a pal, going for walks along a golden treed riverbank with cute girls, baking pies and cakes and so forth because it's not so horribly hot!  I am gonna get to renew my leisurecard this November, which will be super good.  Another year of possible fitness.  I haven't used it much this past year.

What else?  Oh, I dunno, I am happy that summer is over, even though I didn't do a whole hell of a lot.  Spring was exciting because I went to New York, but summer was quiet and except for One Night In Estevan I really didn't go anywhere. 

I have some work to do.  Tomorrow afternoon I am helping a friend with some compression issues.  I have to work on making a video downloadable.  I have to copy some video files onto my computer for editing.  I have to write a travel grant and an Individual Artist Grant by October 1st.  I have to get some videos into the mail.  Being a full time artist involves a lot of work, which some people who aren't artists don't recognize.  It's hard too because you have to be really cognizant of your time and deadlines and stuff, and when you tell friends you have work to do sometimes they don't get it or see it as real work.

I couldn't be a full time artist if I wasn't on disability.  I really don't make much money from my practice, except for the odd occasion when I get a big grant.  Thank god for disability!

I've also got to get working on my book again.  I've only got 64 pages.  I was hoping to end up with at least 200 pages.  300 would be sweet!  It's not going to be a ginourmous book though.  I doubt it will be a best seller, it will be an artists book.  

In the last year of film school we had a class called "Professional Practices" and it was all about applying for grants and writing an artist statement and shit like that, and pitching and stuff, and actually that was probably one of the most useful classes I took.  Sometimes I think I have to apply myself more to my practice and then I would really get somewhere, but then Mom reminds me we live in Canada and there isn't a great deal of money for film.  STILL!  There must be a way to make a living at it.

I would teach but no one wants me in a graduate program so obviously that's out of reach.

ANYWAY!  Enough career blabs.  I have other good news!  As a constant reader of Susan Miller's astrology zone I have finally read a horoscope for the month that says I have a good chance of meeting someone special!  I have to circulate for the next two weeks.  Tomorrow I am going to go to a BDSM munch down the street.  I know it's usually straightish people that are there, but one never knows.  Friday I have to do something, maybe I will go dancing. 

I don't have enough money to take Cree lessons from the University, BUT there are supposed to be free Cree lessons at Oskayak which I am going to start next week.  I am gonna work really hard and aim to have a rudimentary conversation with my Grandpa by the end of it!

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to write.  I am going to go back to skimming this blog for entries to put in my book, and also waiting for this video to transfer to my Flashdrive.