File it under "This can't be good for you"

I remember being a little kid in Montana, and on the television there used to be an advertisement for a Starving Artist sale, Rock Bottom Prices! They weren't selling ACTUAL starving artists, they were selling mainly landscape paintings at Rock Bottom Prices! I often wondered about those starving artists. Like why wasn't there a Feed the Artists fund? That being said, there is often food at openings and in recent times I have even scheduled my eating around the free grub.

After I pay all my bills, there's pretty much diddly-squat left over for me to get essentials, like food and cigarettes. I'm trying to quit the ciggys mostly for economic reasons. I won't DIE without cigarettes. However, without food I probably will die. So I've been trying to streamline my meals. Right now I'm down to about one meal a day, which is REALLY REALLY bad for folks like me with bipolar disorder. It's a major trigger for another episode, no matter how dilligently I take my medication. So that's pleasant.

My life has become a search for food, it really consumes a lot of my thinking. I know a place where I can get dinner for three dollars, if I only eat carbs I can buy a bunch of sweet buns for pretty cheap in Chinatown. And today I went through a really really long orientation for a Clubhouse in town which serves up a one dollar lunch and gives out sandwiches for fifty cents. Fridays you can get dinner for free there too. The food is pretty bland.

The other day at Stef's she had this funny tofu chunk stuff that tasted very much like slightly moist dog kibble. People kibble. A lot of the food for poor folks in this town is just about filling your belly, not exciting the tastebuds or anything. Last night Stef ate kibble while we channel surfed Babette's Feast. It was kind of sad really. I wanted to pull little quails out of the television set and eat them. Sorry little quails, you can't help being yummy.

So it's true, is what I mean to say. There really truly are Starving Artists. And (to shift topics somewhat) that is why paying CARFAC fees is so important. It's not often that we get paid what our work is really worth, and when it comes down to basic living, telling someone "Well it's just an honour to be allowed to show here at all" is not going to put food in their stomachs.

Usually when I get suicidal it has to do with the lack of food. A lack of food makes me panic, and then I think I should just take the death option because then I won't have to worry about getting stuff in my stomach anymore. It's probably a completely natural response, I'm sure in the wild it would be a good solution in the middle of a drought or scarce food supplies.

The thing that pisses me off the most about being a starving artist is that I'm fat, so no one really notices how terribly tormented I am by hunger most of the time. I don't know why I'm starving and fat, I just am. Life's full of cruel irony.