missing

I haven't blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn't die. It's been a long time anyway.

I've gotten stuck in a rut. I don't know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it's own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that's the most they can hope for and it's the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There's this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I'm still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom's every day. But then I've always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I'm depressed because I haven't been writing. Mostly I've been thinking, about this new journey I'm on to become a man. Life's weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I've been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother's house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that's my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I'll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I'll be so relieved, then I'll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I'm not even mildly interested in anything. I'm totally stuck. And I'm not sure how to improve my life because I'm not sure what it is I'm missing. It's like I've zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It's gross. But I know I'm just missing something in my life.