Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Adjustments?

My psychiatrist had some kind of skiing accident and has been away for a long time. I've been back to my g.p., but lately I've been wondering if I'm fine. I think I need to make new adjustments to my meds, but I'm not sure if that's true. And now I've realized I've just gotten so used to checking in with a doctor about my condition that I have no idea how I really am. I think I've been doing well, but it's hard to get up in the morning early. And that worries me. Plus I've commonly had fall depressions, and I think subconsciously I'm worried about that coming up again.

Good thing I have an appointment with her soon.

I guess I do have mild depression. I'd like to shake it off, but I really think it's related to needing more work and not being able to do mornings for some reason. And the end of the big grant. It lasted a long time, through many adventures. And I miss Scotland still.

Oddly enough I am really liking being single right now. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I guess I like my own company when I am alone. It's comforting. And I've spent so much of my twenties doing things on my own that it's just fine.

Anyway, I am trying to check in on myself and see if I am really okay or if I am slipping into anything like mania or depression.

Well, I'm not overly happy, that's for sure. So mania must be out.

That leaves depression. aw crap. Okay, or middle ground, which would be the best.

Well it was the anniversary of a friend's suicide this past month, that was sad.

But I did come home from Scotland, and that kinda made me sad too.

HMM> i guess there are reasons to be sad at the moment, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate having to look out for my moods. It's a part of my illness I find very difficult. So weird to have to look out for your own moods, and the depressions are the worst because there's this dark blackness to them, like you can't see through it to your future. Ugh! I HATE THAT!

Poop on depression.

Plus it's just sad that summer is over. Aw, no more summer til 2009!