Well, I am back from Berlin, which was AMAZING and hopefully I will be going back next summer! :D The bummer news is that I didn't get my grant, apparently because certain people on the jury couldn't fathom how a documentary related to an application for a fictional drama. FUCK! Technically nearly all my videos have been classified as documentaries, ironically enough. A lot of them end up at Hot Docs anyway. Still, some people couldn't connect my support material to my application, so no money for me! :( Now I'm fucked and have to find some kind of job as soon as possible.
AND I got evicted from my apartment. Right now I'm living in my mother's basement again, because I can afford it and have my pets with me. A pet friendly apartment in Saskatoon starts at 610 bucks, and that's in the dodgy area of town. A nicer area costs around 850 bucks. And I have all these debts to pay off, and save up damage deposit. And 1000 bucks a month on EI is not very much, when you get down to it.
BUT whatever, life sucks sometimes. And Berlin didn't suck, and HOPEFULLY my trip to Vancouver this next week won't suck either, because I will be seeing some old beloved friends and screening my video for the first time EVER!!!! Of course I have no money to go though, although the ticket and hotel are paid for. Mister got colitis and I had to shell out some money for him to get treated so he wouldn't POOP OUT BLOOD!!! Poor little guy. I love my Mister dog. I don't want him to feel sick.
BUT what is good in my life?
Well, on a plus side my moods are EXTREMELY good! Not manic, or hypomanic, just good. I don't feel depressed these days. I've been able to deal with some crap without giving up all hope. I HAVE been smoking some weed on occasion. I'm not really ready to give it up entirely, so I'm doing the Harm Reduction route and doing it less and less. I've generally enjoyed it, and it's not so gawdawful when I don't have any. I haven't had any for a few days now actually. It's different doing it at my mom's, because I can't smoke up on the property. Actually, my last couple days at my apartment one of my new neighbors started stomping around complaining about the illegal smoke coming out of my apartment, and I was like, oh fuck. BUT I was leaving, so whatever, I just kept toking with the window open. What did I care? I already knew from the maintainence meetings that they didn't care if someone had a hashpipe in their house.
I've been thinking a lot about issues like mental health, and medication and if it is evil or not, and Butch-Femme (or Femme-Butch) relationships, and how I want my damn Admin Assistant diploma so I can get some decent paying job that will let me afford a pet friendly apartment in a nice neighborhood like City Park or something.
The MAIN problem with getting my schooling done is that I can't afford the living expenses. I could get CAn-Sask to pay for my tuition, but they won't give me any money to live, so I'm screwed. And Saskatoon Tribal Council will pay for it all, but they run out of money not very long after their next fiscal year starts, AND you have to bring them a letter of acceptance and frigging Saskatoon Business College doesn't give me my acceptance letter until a month before classes start, which isn't enough time. And STC wants an acceptance letter for a specific date and not just a general acceptance letter saying I could start anytime their classes start. I've been accepted since last spring, BUT because of all this bureacratic shit (sorry for the sp) I haven't been able to start my program. ARG! I want to go to SCHOOL! I want to get my diploma so I can actually be qualified to apply to these seriously decent paying office jobs. There are so many, but the GOOD PAYING ones require a diploma or certificate. Oh sure, I could be a receptionist, but it would only pay 75 cents more than minimum wage. FRIG!
So, well, I'm not SO DEPRESSED about all that, although it is HIGHLY frustrating. I've been having a surprisingly good string of luck with super HOT HOT HOT femmes I like, although not a serious relationship. I'm pleased as punch about that, it's always nice to kiss people who are genuinely attracted to you. And vice versa. I guess that Is why I have been thinking about Butch-Femme (Femme-Butch)dynamics. When you start bringing Top-bottom into it all it gets even more complicated.
Anyway, maybe you are wondering why I don't get student loans or why my reserve won't pay for me to go to school. Well, I owe 2000 bucks to student loans and haven't paid back more than 150, and they don't look kindly on that. ALSO my band won't pay for my school because I already have a bachelor's degree. If I was going for my masters, that would be a different story. BUT I don't really want to teach, even if everyone in my family has been a prof. I just really want a job that pays decently and that there are enough of that I could quit or take time off to make my videos/feature films when I get grants or get green lighted.
Aw man, so many barriers to me being an admin assistant who makes videos! POOR ME!
I've been thinking about way more profound things than all this, but it's hard to put into words on a Saturday night at 2am when I really just want to be drinking with my friends in the hottub and everyone is downtown dancing. There's a new gay club in town but I haven't been to it yet. I'm scared it will turn straight like pee in a pool the way the Viper Room did back in the 90's. I should go down before it does.
Also I owe everyone money. That makes me not want to venture out AT ALL! If I hadn't been evicted I wouldn't owe quite so much, but I had to pay for movers, who did a shit job, and the carpet cleaner, who did a great job, and my damage deposit hasn't come back to me yet. And other money is on it's way, but who knows when I will get it.
Aw, this wasn't meant to be a downer post, I just felt the need to update my blog readers on what was going on with me. And it turned out to all be downer. No magic Mars video is being made, just a lot of cover letters and crap. I'm writing the script though, I will try and make my video. And now that I know what confused jurors, I can avoid it the next time. Although I still think it's crap that people think you can't do multiple genres of videos. Why not do Docs AND Dramas????