A million is not what it used to be.

I apologize for how my last post was all squished together with no paragraph breaks, I was trying the new Blogger interface and IT SUCKS! I don't like it, I switched back.

I am home alone, I have been home alone for a few days now, Mom's coming back into town today after supper. I have to do the dishes still. My cousin ate almost all our bread. And we are poor! :( Bread is getting pricey, it's four or five bucks for a loaf now. Makes me think we should make our own.

I kind of fell off the no smoking wagon by accident last night. What I mean is I smoked a joint that turned out to have some tobacco in it. Sneaky sneaky!!! :O I feel awkward about this, it makes me wonder if I should only stick to joints I personally roll. I don't want to get triggered into smoking again. Tobacco is pretty gross, people shouldn't mix it with something as nice as marijuana.

Last night I saw Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS in glorious 35mm print. It was just as gross and sexy as I remember it. My friend Stef and I used to rent it from some alternative video store in Vancouver back in the mid nineties and laugh and laugh. Ilsa makes some pretty funny noises when she is having an orgasm.

I also saw a show at AKA and PAVED Arts last night called PsycheDADA which was pretty awesome. My favorite was my friend Keith Murray's installation.

Wow, what a review! Ha ha, I am not the best at writing reviews of shows.

I'm feeling frustrated by my lack of income. I've gotten in touch with people who say they have editing work for me, but then they just don't get in touch with me again. It's depressing me a bit because I know if I got just one decently sized job I could pay my rent and buy a macbook and the software required.

I also have to write a grant to make a video about being butch. I don't know if I will get a provincial grant to make such a queer video, but there is so little queer video being made in Saskatchewan that I think they should support it. I'm not even going to ask for very much, maybe five or six thousand dollars. I really want to make my Mars video, and I have been frustrated by the lack of financial support I have received to make it. People say I should make it anyway.

OMG! I have a ticket for Lotto Max, I should check it today! That would get me out of the house for twenty minutes. Well, fifteen probably, the corner store isn't very far. OH! But no one won the 20 million, it's up to 30 now. Lottery tickets feel like my only hope of getting out of poverty, it's depressing.
LATER: I just walked to the store all the way thinking "Please let me win 100 dollars!" I didn't win 100 dollars, but when I did check my ticket I won a free play for next week's draw for 30 million. So the hope stays alive for another week!

I really only buy lottery tickets just so I can day dream about what I will do with all that money. It would be so amazing. I could make any video I wanted to!

There are a few jobs coming up that I am going to apply for. I'm feeling a little silly applying for work right now, when I am six days away from surgery and will probably be out of commission for a little while. I don't want to get a job right away and then have to be home or at the hospital for a week healing. It would be kinda weird. Then again, I sort of HAVE to keep applying for work, just because my income is so terribly limited and once the snow falls I won't have a job at all! You can't pick up needles when they are under ice and snow.

I think there is something wrong with my resumes and cover letters, and I don't know what it is. I've tried everything it seems. I did a new resume listing off skills I have, but it still hasn't gotten me an interview.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Money sucks, I wish we could just barter. Or something. No, money is important, but it's also a terrible trap I think. And people kill themselves and other people over it. Sad.

Sometimes I wonder if it would really be such a good thing winning the lottery. I know I would have friends come out of the woodwork wanting my money, and that would be really awkward. And family. People have lost their entire winnings from others taking their money. That sucks. If I won I would want it to set me up for financial security for life. I don't imagine I would even spend that much, 30 million is a lot of dollars. Then again, the cost of living keeps going up and up and up! A million is not what it used to be.