An Update from Germany!

Well I am here in Hamburg, tomorrow will be one week that I have been here! It's been very laid back. I went to Bildwechsel Hamburg yesterday and watched a bunch of old lesbian videos with butch representations in them. That was pretty awesome, I am going again next week (they are only open one day a week!). I wrote some of my monologue and thought of a few different shots I can shoot in my room. So I would say my video is going well. Today I am going to do some shooting! :D

I missed the NA meeting, because it took me like, three days to recover from jetlag. I was so wiped out! I'm glad that's over with. I want to go to the NA meeting this Saturday, but my friend Rae Spoon is playing a concert and I kinda want to go, and that starts at 8, which is right after the NA meeting. I might just find an online meeting that would fit my schedule better. I mostly just want to listen to others. So that might be what I do.

The house I am doing my residency in is awesome, I have a nice big room and good roommates and Karin, one of the women who lives here and is also involved in Bildwechsel, has been really friendly and nice. I have 24 days left before I head off to Berlin! This is going by really fast! Yikes! Probably a good thing though, because I am gonna start missing home really badly! I get all lonely for Canada when I'm about to go back.

When I get to Berlin I am meeting up with my old gym buddy Carrie, who will be finishing a two week tour of France, Poland, and Germany! She leaves the day after I get there, so I have to think of somewhere awesome to take her!

I don't know what else to tell you? My mom said I should post some of my statuses on my blog, since I've been doing a lot of microblogging. Maybe. I will think about it. I should go make my coffee and get back to work on this video! Talk to yall laters!

Sleepless in Saskatoon!

I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight! It's already 12:37 and I am still up. I guess taking my meds would be a start! I'm all packed, I'm just charging my phone and my laptop and tomorrow morning I have to have a shower and brush my teeth, but then stuff goes in it's respective places. I'm not sure where to put my camera when I am on the plane. My Mom said to put my carry on in the overhead bins, which makes sense, but it will have my laptop in it and I kinda want to have that. Maybe I should be content with a book! I guess I could always go in later and grab it! Sigh! So much to think about! I'm dubious that the carry on will really fit under the seat. I guess it doesn't matter if I put it up. Hmm. I am using my camera bag as a purse, which I have done before and gotten away with. I still have room in my carry on though, I could probably fit it all in there and then have it under my seat. I'm being such a pain in the ass!

I've gotten a text from one of the people I am staying with in Hamburg, so that's good. I will meet her Friday. I might be getting a ride from the airport if they have time, which would be cool. I hope so! That would be the best. But if not that's ok too. I think it's raining right now! It sounds so loud!

Last night a poltergeisty thing happened to me, which hasn't happened in a long time. My suitcase started rustling as if a curious animal was bothering it, and then it fell over. I was all "Stop it!" thinking it was Beatrix Kitty, but then I realized Beatrix Kitty was on my bed, as was Little Mister, and Tiny Hermione was sleeping with Mum! Later on when the lights were out there was a little more rustling, this time from on top of my dresser, which kind of creeped me out and then I just went to sleep. Nothing poltergeisty has happened to me in a long time, so it was kind of surprising. I thought now that I wasn't drinking or doing drugs it would be gone! But no! Mum said it was because I was so excited about going away. Maybe? It could be my own energy.

I never noticed poltergeist stuff until I lived with a roommate who had that kind of thing happen to her all the time. Since then off and on stuff has happened around me. But I thought it had to do with me being drunk or high. I guess not!

Well, suppose I should roll over and go to sleep! I am nervous! D: I hope everything goes well on this trip. I'm going to use my Saskatoon cell number while I am in transit and then get a micro sim card over there and have a Hamburg number for the rest of my trip! And then switch again when I am coming back. I figure I can't rack up too too much terrible roaming charges in one day. Two days, if you count coming back. I have heard of people using their Canadian cells for a week in Germany and ending up with 1500 dollar bills on their return! Yikes! If I have to pay 300, that's not so bad. But hopefully it won't be that expensive! I guess I can't use Netflix over there, which kinda sucks, but whatevs, Mom will use it here. I will be too busy to watch movies on le internet!

Excited about my project, I am going to work on it while I am in the air! Gonna write and read and imagine the possibilities!

Crappy Day! But also I am looking forward to the future.

UGH! I have this super immature aggressive dramatic cousin who embodies all the stereotypes people have about people with bipolar disorder and I had unfriended and blocked him on facebook once before, and then I thought I would give him another chance, but he's got all the compassion of a rabid pitbull so I unfriended and blocked him yet again. Sigh! He's such a pain in the ass. Anyway, he was sending me abusive inbox messages, so I was like Fuck That! Ugh! What the fuck is with some people? I am always surprised when people treat me like shit, because I used to have low self esteem until I did a lot of work on myself and now I have pretty high self esteem and don't take shit from people. And so I am surprised that people think they can get away with it. He's fucked in the head, just fucked! And he's abusive to lots of people, including his boyfriend who he's beat up in the past. He's just a mean little motherfucker and I'm tired of being around that shit.

So I decide who is allowed around me. I don't put up with crap. And it felt good being able to block him. Whew! That's the only way he and I are in contact. He's actually only my cousin by marriage, his auntie is also my auntie, who married my uncle who I am related to by blood. So I'm glad I'm not directly related to him.

Blah blah blah! Anyway, the whole interaction kind of spoiled my day. I was so crabby after.

In less than two days I leave! A day and 12 hours or so! So exciting! :D Yeeeeeeee! Get away from Canada and all it's inherent problems for a few weeks. Make art and hang out with five roommates who are queer feminists in Hamburg! Show some work, visit some friends, have some fun! :D So stoked! I'm on track with all the things I have to do to get ready to leave! I filled out three different paperwork things. I am in the midst of doing all my laundry. I have been packing. I got my lavalier today, but the stupid thing is missing a tiny connector which changes the useless end into a mini plug which I can then plug into another connector which converts it to an XLR connector which is what my camera takes. So, what a drag! It's not even like the connector was supposed to be in the package and wasn't there, it's more like the connector is just another thing you have to buy separately! Luckily they sell that brand in Hamburg at something like three different stores, so there is a good chance I can get it! I'm also going to see if the store I got it from today has it. They might? I dunno, but hopefully I get a sales person who knows what they are talking about, because the one I talked to today didn't know what a lavalier was!

I've only got a little bit of time left with my pup! I am gonna miss him so much! Mom complains about him barking, but her dog Arthur is annoying in his own way, so I don't think she can talk! Arthur eats everything that is within reach of him putting his feet on the counter. He ate my long john! He's an asshole! :O

What else? Hmm. Tomorrow is going to be my super busy day. Then the next day is 21 hours of airports and planes. I have to take a Westjet flight to Calgary first, then a KLM flight to Amsterdam, then a KLM commuter flight to Hamburg. From there I haven't decided if I am taking a taxi or the U and S Bahn's into where I'm staying. I will probably take a cab, just because I have so much stuff. I always take a cab at first. I'm on a strict budget, I hope I can stick to it! Yiy! My lodging won't be much and so I just have to get a data plan for my cell, a transit pass, and food, really. Should be awesome! OH and I have to pay for a bus ticket to Berlin. But that's all. Pretty decent.

Tomorrow I have to:
-Charge all my batteries for my camera
-Finish all my laundry
-Clean my room
-Buy a MiCon-2 for my Lav.
-Finish Packing, including finding the USB adapter.
-Print out where I am staying
-Pick up my Medications
-Pick up my Cheque
-Go to the Bank to deposit it
-Get some money to exchange over there
-Put Laptop in easily accessible area in my carry on so that I don't have a hard time pulling it out and turning it on at security!

I have to charge up everything before I go, I wonder how much my roaming fees are going to be for data before I get a German micro sim card. Hmm. I hope it's not that much money.

Ha ha, I totally kissed my dog and he made a groany noise, like he was saying "Let me sleep Mummy!" Poor little sod! He's gonna miss me, but he has Hermione and Arthur and Mum and Beatrix Kitty to keep him company. I've never been gone this long from him! I did do a six week residency once in Winnipeg, it was awesome, I made a good video, felt like I lived there, made some good friends. I hope something similar happens this time. The good thing is all the costs of making my video have pretty much been taken care of with my grant, so now I just need to live for a while.

I should go to bed. I need to sleep! So much is happening tomorrow and I have to get up early for it! I promised myself I wouldn't sleep in the day before I left, because I have to be at the airport at 9am on Thursday so it's just a good idea to get on schedule. I totally thought I was flying through Toronto. It's hilarious that I'm going to friggen Calgary! Oh well. I have three hours there and then two hours in Amsterdam. I hope I can sleep on the plane, often I have a hard time with that!

Travel, Video, and Nipple Shame

I have three dates with three different women lined up for when I get back to town. One is that date I have been meaning to go on for ages but she lives three and a half hours away. When I make some money again I am going to go down there and hang out with her! Yay! Another one is someone I met from OK Cupid. I don't know if that's going to go anywhere, but I figure I should keep an open mind, and she is cute. And another is a date with someone I had a date with a while ago.

I am also going to keep my heart open for Germany, in case I meet someone there. I am willing to fall in love these days.

I did some pre-packing for my trip, and laundry, and some paperwork that I needed to do. I was going to shoot some more stuff, but as it turns out I can't use the horse because it is currently lame, so that's that. Maybe someone in Germany will have a motorcycle I can sit on and look all butch. Or maybe I will get very creative with my packer, y fronts, and fake mustaches! Maybe I can walk around with a giant bratwurst in a suggestive way. Who knows!? I am open to my project evolving while I am there. I wish I had enough money to throw around to buy a lavalier, there's a really good one at Don's Photo that I was looking at. Hmm. Maybe I should buy it anyway. It would be good to have, and I will always have it. I've decided after all that fussing to take my tripod. I found the foot for it, so that's good. Oh, sorry, the Camera Quick Release Plate. That's a very long name for such a small (yet crucial) piece of the tripod! I am also bringing my hand held mic, it is really good quality but made for vocalists and not really used in videotaping, unless you want to look awesome while you rap! Anyway, I usually use it for voice overs because like I said the sound is awesome. Who knows, maybe I will sell it when I get my lav. When I get money to make my feature film I am going to shell out for a boom mic. A nice Sennheiser. With a puppy and everything! (For those of you who don't make film or video, a puppy is the fuzzy thing they put on mics to cut down the wind noise!)

Dreams! :D

I'm so excited about going to Germany that I have hardly thought about my butch project. Whenever I try to articulate what being butch means to me, I have a really hard time with it. So it will be interesting to make this video. I will have to explain exactly where I am coming from as a Butch woman and also explain how I don't fit the stereotype and yet SOMEHOW there is still some essence of me that reads as Butch. I'm a fairly faggy butch. I suppose I should wear my fedora over there. It would make a good prop. It would also be a bitch to wear on the plane, I don't know where I will put it. Maybe I can stick it over my face like all those debonair sleepy detectives. I'm taking two of my other nice hats too, and a couple ties. I don't know how to tie a tie. I am gonna have to learn. Thank Sappho for Youtube Tutorials. Maybe when I am done I will give one to my cousin to tie her dreads with. Dreads tied back with a tie look awesome!

Or maybe I will become A Butch Who Wears Ties. One never really knows what the future will bring. Which reminds me, I have to take a dressy shirt with a collar if I am gonna wear a tie.

I've pared my sex toys that I am bringing down to a glass dildo, a vibrator, and possibly a strap on. And then the necessary accessories like condoms, lube, and dental dams. To be honest, I never use dental dams. They are a good idea, but until they make a dental dam that tastes like cunt, I am not into it! I don't want to go down on someone and get a mouthful of rubbery mint or grape or even banana! Good thing oral sex is so low risk.

That being said, I really don't know if I will get lucky this time around. I might not. But I must be prepared!

I was at the doctors a while ago and she was reading my file and I looked at some notes that Dr. Saffy had taken during my last physical and I noticed a diagram of my breasts, with the notation "bilaterally retracted nipples." WTF? I looked it up and it turns out I have inverted nipples! I was unaware of this. Oddly enough though, I remember being upset when I was twelve because my nipples were inverted, but my mom told me that I was normal. SHE WAS WRONG! I was never bothered by my nipples before, but the last time I played with them they totally disappeared into my breast and I spent five minutes trying to coax my left nipple back out and it was just so damned impossible! It was like playing with one of those plastic tubes filled with fluid that collapse in on themselves so they slip out of your hands. Apparently I could fix this with either a four thousand dollar cosmetic surgery (which ironically is the same cost as getting my tits cut off) or by getting my nipples pierced. I say no! No no no! I will have to learn to deal with the Magic Disappearing Nipple. Which really, when I think about it, hasn't bothered me much in my past sexual dalliances. And none of my lovers have ever said "Hey, you have weird nipples!" BUT I remember their nipples always seemed much more jaunty and erect than mine. They were perfectly roundy at the tips, while mine have little slits in the ends. This is all probably TMI, but it's my blog so nyah nyah nyah. Besides, maybe I can reduce the stigma of the rest of the 20% of women who have inverted nipples and feel nipple shame. Do not be ashamed my sisters!

I spent three hours tonight making a playlist of 381 songs for my travels. If I listened to all of them it would take me 24 hours! Which is good, because my plane flight is going to take 21 hours in total including all the stop overs in Toronto and Amsterdam. So I won't have to listen to a repeated song. I'm listening to my playlist right now, so far I haven't wanted to skip a song! That's always a good sign.

I have two power adapters now, and a USB power adapter. I need to find that! It's somewhere around. It's the only one I know for sure works because I have taken it there before. I got two different power adapters for plug ins because the first one I got said it wouldn't work with computers, and the other one says nothing about not working with computers. Once I got an adapter and took it to Paris, and when I plugged it in it started smoking. I guess I hadn't got one with a voltage converter. So I couldn't recharge my hi-8 camera. Sad! No more videoing for me!

I've got about four hours worth of batteries for my camera, so I am going to charge them all up for when I am there. Just in case! I'm really worried about my computer though, because I don't want to fry it. I went to Neural Net, which is our Mac store, but they couldn't sell me a travel adapter because they were sold out, and by the time I went down there it was too late for them to order me one. BUT there is a real Apple Store in Hamburg, so I might go there if my adapters don't work.

What else? I'm going to do some writing on the plane, write out some of my monologue. I am also taking Butch Is A Noun by S. Bear Bergman and Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. And a Gail Vaz Oxlade book called It's Your Money. But I am hoping by reading the first two books, it will spark off conversations I want to start with my video about being Butch. I'm starting to really bite into my topic, which is always a nice feeling. Until really recently it was pretty much like "What do you want to talk about?" "I dunno, what do you want to talk about?" "I don't know, what do you want to talk about?" ad nauseam. With MYSELF! IN MY HEAD! Ugh. But after shooting a little bit and pondering more, it's starting to become a little more clear.

I know one thing I want to talk about is the discrimination faced by Butch women, particularly in the area of employment. So many times I went to interviews and as soon as I walked in they would thank me for coming and shoo me away by saying they would call me and I could just tell my resume went into recycling. Or the garbage. Either one. It made for a lot of poverty. That has always really bothered me. Maybe I could do a scene where I get ready for a job interview and do a monologue about how I never get hired or properly interviewed even. Hmmm, must think more on this.

I guess I should go to bed. I am just having fun writing to you. Which is a really good sign because it means I am getting creative. Some of my best ideas get formed through my blog.

I'm trying not to write as much about sobriety because it gets boring, being fixated on what one does not do anymore. But it's still true, I am still not drinking, or smoking cigarettes, or smoking pot. Or doing chemicals that aren't approved by my doctors. I'm a goody goody girl. It's awesome. But what's even more awesome is that I am excited about so many other things and have talked about them in this post. I think this is the first project I will have made as a straight edge girl, well, since I was a baby dyke making baby dyke videos. I think my first three videos I made I was straight edge. So maybe I will inject some of that enthusiasm into this one.

I'm also excited because I am going there to work on a project totally self sufficiently in terms of equipment. I have an editing suite on my laptop, a camera, mics, cables, it's awesome! So I can totally immerse myself in making this video while living with these queer feminists and I won't have to rent or borrow equipment. HOWEVER I may need to borrow a cameraperson for a few shots. Hopefully that won't be too hard! Hopefully gracious Germans will come to my aid! :D

Family and Driving Dreams!

I'm going to get mum a metal detector when she is old, so when she asks me for money for the VLT's I can tell her "Go get your metal detector and go to the park Mum!" I just told her that and she said she would call me a bitch! :O

Today was rainy and yucky. We drove to two different Walmarts looking for 4 packs of 4mg nicotine lozenges and didn't find any! Finally we gave up and went to a Shoppers Drug Mart where I picked up two 4 packs for Germany. Hopefully I have enough for a long slow taper off from my NRT. I didn't put on my patch this last week by accident, and then when I finally remembered it was late in the day, like supper time, and so I decided lozenges alone were good enough. Yay for getting off the patch! :D I sometimes get whiffs of cravings, but then I take a lozenge and it goes away. I'm still doing good not smoking weed. And I am still not drinking.

I had my first driving dream finally. BUT it was a terrible dream! I dreamt all this snow got on the speedometer so I wiped it off, but it took the indicator bar with it so I had no idea what speed I was going! I was going too fast and took a wrong turn and ended up on Victoria Bridge (which in real life is condemned and thus closed to traffic) and it is a really skinny bridge because it was made for horse and cart traffic, and so I ended up in the wrong lane and hit someone head on! I felt really bad because it was my second accident and I was sure I was going to lose my license! I woke up and was so relieved it was all just a bad dream. But jeez, I had been looking forward to my first driving dream, I had imagined it would be about freedom and involve a lovely Sunday drive in a red convertible with a cute girl sitting next to me in a headscarf and sunglasses blowing kisses at me and giggling and feeling up my thigh! Now THAT would have been an awesome driving dream! But no, I get the anxiety dream. Sigh!

It's my second night in this weekend. Last weekend I stayed in too. I'm hardly hanging out with anyone anymore. It kinda sucks. I'm looking forward to when one of my friends comes back to town, but we partied pretty hard, and now we won't. Hmm. The good thing is instead I am spending a lot of time with my Mom and Grandma. And Grandpa, who's in the hospital right now healing from surgery for cancer. It's nice hanging around with my Grandparents because I have a strong feeling they don't have much longer left. They are 91 and 93. That's old for a human! Grandma is ready to die. I know she is. She's getting tired of living because she has all kinds of memory problems and osteoarthritis and a broken rib and disintegrated discs in her back. She has the early stages of dementia, and it's getting worse and worse really fast actually. She keeps forgetting where I am going and all kinds of things. I feel for her. Mum told me she wants me to push her over a cliff when she reaches 88. She doesn't want to go downhill like her Mum.

And yet I still want to go to Toronto next year.

I'm glad I came home in 2006 though, just to spend time with my family again. It's been nice seeing my sister a whole lot, and taking care of my Grandparents and being with Mum. It's been especially good with my Mum since we worked through our issues. We get along a lot better.

And I got Little Mister when I moved back! My sweet little baby! Aw I love him, I hope he and I find a good home in Toronto. I am gonna miss him while I am in Germany. He makes me feel so happy! <3 Such a cutie love bug!

I wish I could get traditional Cree women's tattoos, but they are facial tattoos and people are so judgey about that. That's an aside!

It's Pride week in Saskatoon, but I am gonna miss the Parade! Oh well. I am thinking of going down to Berlin for Christopher Street Day June 23rd. I've been having a hard time finding a bus ticket down there though, it seems to be all sold out. I shall keep investigating! :) I'm so excited about my trip! :D My first sober trip! And a residency, it's gonna be awesome! I'm gonna work so hard at making a good video AND seeing the city and meeting the people! I hope my money lasts! I am going to be very frugal and cook as much as possible!

Now You're just Somebody That I Used To Know

Tomorrow will be three weeks totally sober. Mum and I went to Safeway today and she bought me twelve Cokes because I'm not drinking anymore and I still want to drink something fun. I realize I have to expand my beverage palate though. Coke is really nice, but totally unhealthy, but I am making all these other changes and dammit, I am not giving up soda pop just yet! I'm not giving up coffee either.

Actually we finally got some sweetened condensed milk so I can make myself some Vietnamese Iced Coffee. I will keep you abreast of my first foray into homemade iced coffee!

I have my last concurrent disorders group tomorrow before I go to Germany. I leave next Thursday. A week away! :D So exciting! I'm still not drinking there, even though people are acting like it's terrible I can't drink. It's not terrible! Being stuck in a psych ward, that's terrible! Being sober is just different. But I was perfectly content before I started drinking with my life. I still had fun, I still went dancing, I did all kinds of things. I didn't feel hindered by being a straight edge teenager up until I was 18. I liked my life. And I feel like I am coming out of a long series of bad decisions I made with substances and it's pretty decent on the other side. I need to make more friends though, sober friends. Or even just people who are decent enough to respect my new sobriety and not act like I am dying because I can't drink anymore, or do drugs.

The other morning my Mom asked me if I drank her wine. No. Then she got pissed off because it meant another one of my cousins had drank half her wine secretly while she was visiting. I was shocked! Alcoholism runs rampant in my family, it's true. But the point is, I was happy that for once it wasn't me stealing liquor. I didn't do it! Hurrah! Oh, but I was also sad that she thought I was secretly drinking and not being sober. I'm really committed to doing this properly.

What else? I shot some video. That was pretty awesome. I think I got some good shots. I did some work this week and did my laundry and I have some paperwork to do and I got my pharmacy to fax my doctors so I can get refills on my prescriptions and another set of bubble packs for my trip. I need five weeks worth of meds or I am bound to get loopy, it's pretty crucial. I have a full agenda tomorrow of working and group and then picking up a cheque and then taking it to the bank. I should really make a list of everything I have to do before I leave.

My cousin who I have been having troubles with who got kicked out of our house is actually doing detox and treatment. I wish him well, I hope he is serious about it. It's about time he gave it up.

I'm still lonely about love. I really wish I was in a serious relationship. Some people say you shouldn't date in your first year of sobriety. I don't know what I think about that. I feel like I could do it. They say it won't happen until you are ready, but what if you just live in a tiny city where all the lesbians are coupled off and married and there isn't really anyone anyway? Then what? Huh huh? Are you still not ready, or is it just your city is too small?

Anyway, I have to get up early, so I am going to bed. I am gonna try and link to this post on my facebook, I was having trouble linking this to facebook, but then I saw someone just tried a bunch of times with their blog and eventually it worked. So I am gonna try again!

Butches and Step 2!

It's Sunday. My third sober weekend in a row. I drove around with a friend last night, we drove out to Cranberry Flats, my first time country driving. I was so nervous about hitting a deer or going on the soft shoulder and rolling! And going that fast in the rain through puddles was TERRIFYING! Oh mans! But I did it! Yay me!

I'm waiting for Mum to wake up from her nap so we can finally start planting the garden. My little Pumpkin plants need to get in some soil! They already have some flower buds on them. Exciting!

I'm doing okay I guess, with my sobriety and that. I did some googling and found an international NA group in Hamburg that does a meeting in English on Saturday nights. So I might go to that, since I will be away from my concurrent disorders group.

I bought some tapes and blank DVD's and a keyboard cover for my mac the other day. Woot! Ha ha, that is totally NOT impressive! Except IT IS! I got six tapes to shoot my video with and a bunch of other stuff! OH MANS! I have to be totally on my game when I go to Germany and NOT FORGET to pack my firewire cable! I have no idea what cablez and stuff are compatible over there! I got my friends on facebook to help me make a list of things that butches look sexy while doing! Here are a few of them (names removed to protect my friends who do not want to end up on my interminable blog!):

do that butch walk >:D haha

Thirza Cuthand Where should I walk? Down the riverbank? In front of Mark Wing's Noodle? :) Thirza Cuthand I think I need a long brick wall!

uh fixing cars? this femme likes that kinda thing :)

Thirza Cuthand That's a good one too! I could fake changing a tire or something, or just looking under the hood! Thirza Cuthand Ooooh! And hammering something!

either would work ;P both is double hot - hammering good too

eheheh you should wear like a lumberjack jacket and walk with a axe or carrying some wood. >:D!

omg cutting down a tree of course that needs to return to the earth ;)

Thirza Cuthand Ha ha ha! I don't know where I would get a lumberjack jacket! I am the wimpiest at cutting wood!

building a fire, a huge one!

Thirza Cuthand I could build a fire tho! Thirza Cuthand Woah! You read my mind!

hmmm - yes - building a raft and going downstream

Thirza Cuthand Ha ha, maybe that one is too advanced for me! I'm Butch, not Super Butch! LOL! Thirza Cuthand Working out! :D

playing guitar or drums is kindof butch sexy. Def need a brick wall. Butch bartenders are hot too.

Weights, eating healthily (being healthy is always sexy), displaying bicep mucles (along with underarm hair), bike-riding, butchy grooming, playing a musical instrument in a butch manner, and cooking with a cocky smile (though that's sexy on everyone). Voting... not physically fighting... not standing idly by either... Oh, and I'll admit it: I'm a total sucker for construction, physical maintenance, and having some serious style in the Modern department. Courtesy. Hmm, what else... Butch-Punk hairstyles, cuff-bracelets, big men's rings, male part in couples' formal dancing, martial arts, letting lip hair grow in, being masculine enough not to care so much about how things are categorised... ;)

Taking care of a pet, washing dishes, vacuuming, holding someone's hand while they're crying, big bear hugs.... I think it's sexiest when butches do things that are supposed to not be "masculine tasks."

if this is meant to be parody/comedy about being butch and what its supposed to mean, then i vote for doing all the crazy outdoor stuff (especially the bareback riding) and the then have a shot of you curled up with bunny slippers on cuddling mister and watching sex and the city. :)

smoldering stare.

***********end of part 1************

So there's the list so far. I also have fake mustaches to wear, which will be fun, and a packer, somewhere! Oh, and y front underwear (boy gitch!).

I went to NA today. It was pretty good. I came home and read some more articles on thefix.com. There was a really good one about Intervention, they have a really high rate of success with their subjects. I also read about sobriety at Burning Man and how they have sober camps and stuff. Maybe someday I will go, I really want to.

I don't know what I want to write about today. I want to write, but there isn't really anything of note to mention, except that I am still chugging along with my sobriety. I used to think I was just going to NA as a support group, but now I am thinking more seriously about actually working the steps. I realize I need to get to a place where I am not just abstaining, I am thriving. And maybe there is something to these steps. So I have already done step one, in admitting I am an addict. Now I am thinking about step 2. Step 2 is We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. My real problem with this step is articulating what a Power greater than myself is. As a Buddhist or whatever I am, I feel that there is no distinctly external God, I believe that I am a facet of God and an embodiment of it. Which makes this tricky. Because it seems that this greater Power is an external being or force. What I really should do is meditate on this or something. I downloaded the Basic Text and am making my way through it. I also just found some online chapters about the steps, so I am going to read those. In practical life I have found that the Power greater than myself which restored me to sanity was pharmaceuticals, but that's not exactly something I want to base a recovery program on. I really have to do some serious thinking on this.

Well, that's about all I can write for today. Butches and Step 2!

Hey, Have a Heart!

I'm starting to feel a little bit at loose ends with my sobriety. It's still relatively new, which makes it exciting and shiny still. But the whole friends thing and trying to do things with people that doesn't revolve around drinking is kind of rough. It's made me feel a bit like people aren't as interested in hanging out with me, although I know that is probably just as much about me not wanting to be around bars these days, or parties. I do still want to go out though. I've been hanging around with my mother visiting family a lot, that has been nice. Today we visited the baby and his mom, and then we visited Grandma and Grandpa who got out of the hospital yesterday. Tomorrow we are planting ALL the plants! Including my watermelon, cantaloupe, and three pumpkin plants! Mom and I are also going to Putt N Bounce tomorrow night to play a round of mini golf. So I am keeping very active. This morning I did my needle picking up job, and then went to Concurrent Disorders group.

I found out one of my favorite workers from that group is actually my addictions counselor, and so next week I am making an appointment to see her and have some one on one time with her. I need to develop a plan for my first major travel as a sober person. Plus I just need to talk more in depth about things.

I may as well say now that Steven got kicked out of our house. He's not staying with his Baby's Momma either, last we heard he was on his way to brief detox. Hopefully that's where he is. But it's been really nice not having him here, just because his drinking was so out of control. He may still come back in the future, but the rules are he has to stay sober. I hope he is ready to quit, because otherwise I don't know what is going to happen to him.

I'm glad the doctor's office told me to quit drinking, because now I can't be wishy washy about it anymore. Before I was totally sitting on the fence about quitting drinking. Today has been two weeks TOTALLY sober! It's been really good! Not as hard as I thought it would be. I sometimes miss it, but not very much. Weed was really the thing I loved, and I gave that up nineteen weeks ago. That was harder I think. And I am still not smoking cigarettes, which feels really good. I am going to have to shell out mega money for enough nicotine replacement therapy to get through my trip to Germany. I'm okay with that. I'd rather have patches to last for five weeks and eight nicotine lozenge packages than to run out when I am there and get all freaked out and start smoking european cigarettes. What a waste that would be!

It's funny, my psychic said my next relationship would fall apart when I fell off the wagon! :O I really want to stay on the wagon as long as possible! I hope it's just booze and not weed! But even booze, ugh! I don't want to drink again and lose a sweet relationship!

I'm interested in someone, I've mentioned this before. I have read a few places that it's not a good idea to get into a relationship early in your sobriety. Some people say you should wait a year. But I feel like I have been single for so many damned years! Since 2007. That's what? Five years! Oh man! That's as long as I have been on Facebook! :O Anyway, the point is I don't know if I really want to keep waiting. I might have to, more nothing might happen to me! BUT maybe something will happen, and I intend to go as far as I can with it if it does! I really like this woman. She makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time, and we have this really nice friendly friendship, and we have a lot in common. Shared values and shared life experiences and there are things about ourselves that overlap in this really intense way. It could be sweet, is what I mean. She might not have sexy feelings towards me though, not anymore. She used to. I hope I still sexually intrigue her, through the power of social networking we have discovered some kinky things in common. That's always hot! Anyway, I find her really sexy and adorable and there are all kinds of feelings going on. And I don't want to hide it anymore. If I get rejected that's okay, I just really don't want to lose our friendship. Because it means a lot to me, even if she doesn't want to put her hands down my pants anymore. I'm nervous about telling her how I feel just because of that, because I feel like she gets withdrawn sometimes. And I don't want to scare her off!

But then she tells me all these things about how she wants a serious relationship these days and that she would move for love and that she feels like she's ready to be with someone in a really intense loving relationship, and I always want to say "What about with me?" But I don't! I think I want to talk to her in person about it. I feel a spark there, I just don't know if she does. But I have to take a risk! I can't just leave it alone or I will always wonder. Maybe she will read this. But I don't think she reads my blog. I even told my psychiatrist about her! And my psych nurse! I feel so goofy.

It's just that I feel based on changing circumstances that there really might be a chance for us, and before I didn't really know how we could possibly be together. There is a glimmer of hope anyway.

Anyway, that's been on my mind a lot lately. I felt like this for a long time, but things have really changed a lot in the last several months, including me getting sober and her considering a move in the future sometime. Anyway, blah blah blah! I should shut up about it, especially since I haven't talked to her about US since last summer. I would like an us. Right now we are just two friends who have lots in common. And if that's how it stays that's okay too. I just think, god, we could be such a cute couple! And we could have so much fun together! And I would stay on the wagon for years and years and years!

Ha ha, I know, it's one day at a time! But when I think of relationships, I like to think in the longterm. Which is funny because so many of my relationships have died at the six month mark. Or three months. They've been pretty short! But most of them were based on lust and the friendship thing didn't develop first. That being said when I met my current love interest, it started out based on lust too. No, that's not quite true, we talked about a lot of things. We were really connecting and then suddenly there was SEX! Just out of the blue, I don't even know who made the first move.

I should shut up! Loose lips sink ships! I would erase the last five paragraphs, except I think I finally figured out how to articulate most of my feelings to her and so I want to save it to refer to for later. If something happens I will start mentioning her by her first name (so as to somewhat preserve her anonymity but also give her more of a personality besides "this woman I fancy!").

I should go to sleep. It's almost one thirty am and I have to plant a garden in the morning before the strongest rays of the sun pummel me!

It might be kind of nice if she did read this. But who knows! I talk about such goofy stuff in my blog. It's so personal! People tell me I have no filter, well if I really didn't have a filter I would probably also detail sexy raunchy stuff I want to do to/with her! But I won't. I will spare you that much at least!