I have been working both at my business and picking up needles. It's been nice making money.
I am getting over my last unrequited love, so that's good. I'm not quite so hurt by it and I am more open to meeting someone new. The only problem is, I don't know where to meet someone. I'm really worried I have no options for a girlfriend in this town. They would have to be a pretty spectacular person. So that worries me, because I don't want to settle for someone I don't think highly of. I'm fairly picky. And I'm aware I have to get even PICKIER because like my psychic and my mom both say, in the past I've been attracted to people with fairly large mean streaks. My psychic actually said I shouldn't date someone who's like a bad dog who's gonna suddenly rip my throat out one day! She said I look at people and see their potential, and I have to stop that and see them for who they are. She also said I have to align my softhearted inner self with my outer self which comes across very differently.
I have also been giving something a lot of thought for a few years now. I am ready to give up trying to be polyamorous. I can't do it properly. I can only focus on one partner at a time, and in the past that partner has always gotten pissed off that I don't have other partners too, because THEY do! In truth, I think the only reason I have been polyamorous in all my other relationships is because of peer pressure, and I don't think that's a good reason to be poly. So I have decided my next relationship must be monogamous. And I don't know what that means for me. I mean, what if it means no one will want to date me because I'm into monogamy? People act like you are really uncool if you want monogamy, and they start spouting off things about how it's all about ownership and blah blah blah. I'm tired of it. I just want to find a nice girlfriend who treats me good and doesn't want to sleep around with scads of other people and is willing to explore all kinds of sex with me. I'm interested in doing A LOT of things that I just haven't done with other lovers, and I think it would be better to do them with one person because then you can really discover things about them and what they like and all that.
In short, I think monogamy might be more in line with my softhearted inner value system and be less harmful to my heart. I never liked seeing my lovers with other lovers, so damned awkward! And I never liked the feeling of never being satisfied, always having to keep looking for lovers even when I had a perfectly good one already. I'd be quite content with one girlfriend. And it would be nice to have my girlfriend only focused on me as a lover, and no one else. I'm selfish, I want all the loving time to be with me. I mean, I'm quite independent, and I would hope my next girlfriend is too. I like alone time, and time to just be with my friends, but I'd like that loving energy to just be between me and one other person. It would be less complicated. Also, I think a lot of people are just crap at polyamory. It seems to rarely be done in respectful ways.
I think I was just polyamorous because after I would sleep with someone the first time, I would find out THEY were poly, and so then I had to be poly if I wanted to keep sleeping with them. It's really bad. THIS TIME I am going to ask upfront, no sleeping with someone then getting attached and then settling for a situation I'm really not comfortable with.
Sometimes I worry love isn't what people are looking for anymore, they are just looking for sex with as many people as possible. Tonight there was this funny conversation with the friends I was hanging out with about trying to have casual sex properly, and I realized casual sex just isn't enough for me. I don't want to be someone's booty call. And I was never good at casual sex anyway because I DO get attached after having sex, SO EASY! And I have often had sex WAY TOO SOON! Without even learning enough about what kind of person I was having sex with, what they wanted, what their values were, etc etc. And then I would end up forming relationships with women who really weren't able to give me what I want or deserve. AND what's worse is I wouldn't dare demand more!
So that's all very interesting. I have to break this cycle!
In other news, well, not much really. I'm trying to circulate more. I really don't know where I'm going to meet an appropriate girlfriend. I tried with OK Cupid but everyone's like, a polyamorous bisexual. Also, I am trying to stick with lesbians for a while. I'm kind of wore out from dating bisexuals. Almost all my girlfriends have identified as bisexual while I was dating them (a couple ended up being lesbians later) and I'm just tired of competing with penises. Penises make babies and I can't knock up my girlfriend. And truthfully, it does seem a lot of bisexual women are more interested in men or take their relationships with men more seriously. Is it heteronormativity? I don't know, I just know I am going to get in a lot of shit for saying that about bisexual women. Even just in my family, the bisexual women have outright said they would prefer to settle down with men than women, which I find really sad.
My Mum thinks the problem is I want to date Femmes, but I think it's more the poly bi thing that has been the issue. There ARE Femme lesbians, I know enough of them. Just I don't know many in Saskatoon, and none that are single. I could date a Butch though, some Butch on Butch action would be fun. One of my best girlfriends was Butch. Oh well, who knows what will happen? Only my psychic knows for sure!
I saw this cute girl on Facebook who was a friend of a friend so me and said friend creeped her facebook and I was trying to figure out how old she was. She didn't list her birth year though. BUT she did list her grad year from high school. 2005!!! JESUS CHRIST! I was graduating from university in 2005, and that was after dropping out for three years! So nope, too young! I like women my own age, I'm starting to become an old fuddy duddy and I need someone who would be happy hanging out at home with the animals and making pies and stuff.
Anyway, that's enough of this! If you know anyone in Saskatoon who meets all the above criteria, please send them my way!
1 comment:
Hey.
This is the first honest text that I read rejecting polyamory without claiming that it doesn't work and that it's wrong as a concept.
It's been very refreshing reading another individual who is self assured and who has taken a decision for herself.
I recently decided I was going to stop being "open" and that I just wanted an exclusive relationship. I just don't have it in me. It has been hard for me going back to monogamy which seems stupid because it is socially accepted so it should be easy, right?. But it's not.
Once you enter the "open" or "poly" or whatever community it seems like you earned a badge for doing something rebellious. And going back to monogamy takes that badge off. That's rather unfair. Being true to oneself, to others, and standing for one's needs should be the cool thing, not mindlessly countering the socially accepted standards.
I take off my hat for you and hope you find what you are looking for. You're brave in putting a stop to peer pressure (poly texts often talk like no such thing exists in their communities).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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