What Happens Next?

I'm at this really awkward phase in my recovery, where I have been sober for a number of months and want to continue improving my life, but don't know what the next step is. It feels like being a gangly teenager who is really clumsy because they are unaware of the new proportions of their body. I am quitting smoking YET AGAIN! I haven't had a cigarette since 1pm today, and for the last three days in a row I have woken up, had a couple puffs of butts, and then slapped on a patch and been smober for the rest of the day. It's just hard getting through that morning bit. I really look forward to my morning smoke the most out of all my other smokes. It gets me out of bed and makes me feel satisfied for a little while. So it's hard to let go of it. Other than that one time of day I am fine just wearing a patch.

But it's not just quitting smoking. I want to do something MORE! Like make great art or get a job or SOMETHING! Last blog I mentioned how I want a relationship again, but I feel like that is out of my control. I started flossing today. I am going to try to floss every night before I brush my teeth and go to bed. I hear flossing adds years to your life. Literally! It's one of the best things you can do. That and quitting smoking.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try NOT having my morning puffs. I am going to remain smokeless, ALL DAY! Hmm. I have ten bucks. I could spend it on one of those vapour smokes, those things that look like cigarettes but only have water vapour in them. But no, that just seems silly.

I lost my nicotine mints today, so I have had NONE! Just the damn patch. I am going to try and make a doctor's appointment to see if Indian Affairs will pay for another round of patches for me, so I don't have to shell out money I don't have.

I also need to pay the rent. And I have gotten no money this month. I am going to call Social Services tomorrow and see about getting back on welfare temporarily. Like for a month or something. When I have been on welfare it hasn't ever been for very long. Maybe four months at the most. I would get a year long pass to the Leisure Centres and cheap bus passes for six months. So that would be nice. Plus I would be able to pay my rent. Which would be a relief. Sigh!

The only thing that sucks about Welfare is that they don't like you to make more than a couple hundred extra bucks a month, and as an artist sometimes spurts of cash come into my life, like my last artist fee payment from my distributor which was 1500 bucks because of a sale to a gallery. That was a while ago. And I know in late November I have a couple gigs that will get me cash. But that won't be soon enough to pay my rent.

So la la la! Life, art, blah de blah. I applied for another job today. That makes three jobs I have applied for. No! Four jobs I have applied for! All officey jobs. Or customer service. I hope I get some calls for interviews! I was really hoping to hear back from one employer today, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. I don't know how long it is going to take them to go through applications.

And with all this going on I still have to write my scholarly paper for school. I need access to academic writings. I don't have cash to buy books, and Mum doesn't have cash to get a university library card. It sucks! I hate poverty.

Speaking of poverty, we didn't have to buy our lottery tickets today! We won three free plays. Which is pretty awesome, because each free play is five dollars worth of tickets. And the next Lotto Max draw is for 50 million with 50 maxmillions, which are basically 50 additional draws for a million dollar prize! So we have 51 chances to win! :D That will keep my sad hopes up until Saturday when we check our tickets.

I haven't started work on my Halloween costume yet. And I also have to write a fictional short story in two weeks if I want to be in this book, and I haven't any ideas what to write about. Maybe I will get an idea. It snowed today, which was nice because I like when a season finally is upon us, instead of these weird transition periods.

Kind of like my life. I feel like as a sober person I am still going through some kind of transition. To a different life. A better life. Maybe if I have a full time job I will feel like I am getting somewhere. It would be nice to at least be able to start saving money for my move to Toronto. I'd feel a lot happier if I had five thousand dollars to move and live on for a while.

Switcheroo!

It's almost 1am on a Sunday night, which is really Monday Morning. I am not sure what I want to blog about, except that I feel compelled to write so I may as well.

It was fisting day yesterday! That's always exciting, even though I didn't fist anyone yesterday! I remember the first time I successfully fisted my then girlfriend. I was penetrating her and then it just slipped in. It was so awesome! And there was this immense warm feeling of pinkness that enveloped me. It was an amazing sensation for my hand to be engulfed in her pussy. Just swallowed up. So yeah, I like it either way, being on the receiving or the giving end of fisting. All around fisting fan!

Actually, after years of calling myself a bottom, I have only recently accepted that I am more likely a switch. I really like submission with women I love and masochism in general, but I have discovered a more dominating desire within me come out from time to time. Actually the first time I had an inkling I might be a switch was when I was talking with a far away friend on the phone and we were blabbing about Daddies when she called me Daddy in this totally vampy high femme tone of voice and my breath caught in my throat. It totally turned me on! Since then I have thought about being a butch Daddy for some lucky Femme. I think I would be stern but loving. And of course being a switch and therefore needing some time as a bottom I wouldn't always be Daddy.

I used to have a girlfriend who was a switch. But it only lasted six months, and she was in charge pretty much all of the time, until it all unraveled. I'd like my next girlfriend to be a switch. I'm worried I'm going to end up settling for someone totally vanilla who isn't going to expand their sexual horizons with me. That would really suck.

Actually, even though I don't really have any active crushes going on right now, I have this deeply profound sense that my singleness may be ending relatively soon! Maybe that's just because about now is the timeframe my psychic gave me for getting into my next serious relationship. But I do understand it really depends on me, and that I have to start attracting the right people who want to be with an emotional sentimental romantic softy, and not the people who think I'm some bad girl with an attitude. Because they'll be expecting one thing and I'll show up and do something else like bring them flowers or wanting to spend all morning cuddling or something. I really like cuddly mornings. Or sex interspersed with cuddle monster sessions. I'm really physical with my girlfriends. I like pulling them into darkened doorways for intensely deep long kisses. And holding hands in the movie theatre. Or putting my hand on their thigh. Things like that.

Wow I miss all that stuff! It seems like I have such long periods of being single. Since my last girlfriend it has been over five years. I did have one lover during that time, but the interpersonal stuff between us was so awkward because it was a really casual fling type thing. And I guess I just prefer having sex when it's going to go somewhere, even if it's just for a few months. Just to be able to say "Yes, we had a relationship!" Although I understand some of my relationships should have been kept as casual flings. I guess what I am saying is sex makes me super attached. My oxytocin goes shooting around my brain/body and makes me bonded.

But I guess it doesn't work like that for everyone.

I've been haunting OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish for a while, looking for potential mates. But so far I haven't had much luck. I did go on two dates. One was terrible! I had never met someone so rude! Oh well. I feel like a specialty item now since I have gotten sober. And I already felt like that before, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm worried I seem like damaged goods or something fucked up like that. People pick really funny things to discriminate over. But I wouldn't want to date those people anyway. I'm just worried EVERYONE is those people!

They say you shouldn't get into a serious relationship your first year of sobriety. Then again, I am not following the NA program anyway, which is where that line of thought comes from.

Well, it's 1:14! I should go to bed! Goodnight internet land!

Sobriety these days

I guess I could check in about my sobriety and what life is like now.

Well, in four days it will be five months without booze, and nine months without weed. It's a big milestone. I've been feeling a lot more positive without it. It took some adjusting the first three sober months. I was missing my old life of partying and hanging out with drinkers. But then I started getting used to it. And being interested in other things. I started driving a lot more because I was sober and therefore allowed to drive all the time! It was pretty wicked, I would go on long drives with my cousin Deanna and check out places of the city that I didn't usually go, like across the river from the Regional Psychiatric Centre. Which incidentally is where Karla Holmolka was once. And I think Paul Bernardo too. Maybe. Anyway, besides that, recently as I have mentioned I really got into my knitting. And drinking teas. All kinds of teas, Earl Grey, Pomegranate and Egyptian Mint, Chamomile, Raspberry Zinger, Blueberry, Good Night Tea. I've really gotten into tea drinking. I am thinking of making my own London Fogs too.

I've gone to NA, which wasn't really a fit with me. I've gone to Concurrent Disorders. I've talked with my psych nurse about my sobriety. I have made plans to go back to school to learn screenwriting. That's a big step because it involves moving to Toronto, my last of the Big Three, as in the Big Cities of Canada. There's Calgary and Winnipeg I guess too, but they don't have the same hype around them as Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. And I have already lived in Vancouver and Montreal. Montreal was mean, at least if you are a psych patient. I have heard mixed things about Toronto for psych patients/survivors. On one hand there is a lot being done in terms of mad activism. On the other hand I have heard negative things about the psych wards there. I'll have to look into it.

I'm applying for jobs again. I just need to make decent cash in my last year of living here so I can save up money for school and moving. Anyway, that's a big step too. It would kinda suck having a job to go to five days a week, but it would also be nice to have a little financial stability.

I'm on the alert for potential partners. I don't know where I will meet somebody, since I haven't gone to the gay bar since May. But I never met good girlfriends in bars anyway. I met them through friends or at school or work. I could meet someone somewhere new though, I mean really, who knows? My psychic says around now I should be getting into my next serious relationship. Or in November. But it depends on me. That whole showing my soft side thing. My gooey innards.

I am excited about the prospect of leaving my Mum's house, in fact of leaving this city altogether. I'm starting to get irritated by dramatic cousins and the interpersonal shit that goes on with them. I'd like to just be far away and have my own friends and get on with being 35 (which is the age I will turn next year). I think it would be nice to get some distance from my family. They can really stress me out. I think Mum does too much stuff for people, but she won't change. It just worries me that it's gonna wear her out and lead her to an early grave!

Anyway, my sobriety is important. It's helped me make some major changes in my life. And I'm not sad about not being able to party anymore. I'd like to make some more friends who don't want to go to the bar all the time. It would be nice. One thing I miss is knowing which friends actually like spending time with me sober and which ones only wanted to hang out so we could all get drunk. Sometimes I am not sure. I'm spending a lot of weekend nights at home. That kinda sucks. It would be nice to go out and do things.

I've been making pies and tarts and muffins. It's been fun. I need to make more things. Baking has been really lovely because at the end there is something yummy to eat.

One thing that sucks is how poor I am these days. I need to make more money. I know I can, I just have to work harder.

Tomorrow I am helping a friend make a video, so I should go to bed now.

New Leaf

Well I have a lot more energy these days and I am in a pretty good mood. My libido is still mostly absent, but I have some hope it will return. Today I finally finished my scarf. Last night I finished knitting the last few inches and cast off, and today after purchasing some yarn needles I sewed in all the loose ends. I wore it a few times outside while smoking, it is SUPER warm! :D Yay yay yay! I'm pretty happy with it, I have finally finished my knitting project! Next I am doing dishcloths, and then after a bit of practice I am moving on to knitting myself a hat! I might do it using the perl stitch, because I have to learn that.

I actually cleaned my room today. If you know me you would know that is quite a feat! I did the laundry, swept, washed the floor, sprayed an enzyme down that eats dog urine odor, and decluttered the area of my room that was just covered with boxes and books and random shit! I'm trying to properly housetrain Mister, because even though he goes outside all the time he still sneaks off and pees in my room. And Mum's room, and the kitchen, and the office. Never the bathroom, oddly enough.

I also want him to be a good roommate for if I live with someone in Toronto. He's a really sweet dog, he just has that flaw. But I have been reading about housebreaking an adult dog, and it seems simple enough as long as I can be consistent.

I have high hopes for my future these days. I feel like I had been at loose ends for a long time, really aimless. And now I feel like things might finally come together for me. I'm applying to school, I applied for a job today, I am knitting, I am starting to take care of things around the house like cleaning. I feel like I have turned a new leaf since I quit drinking and drugging. I am starting to care about things again, whereas before I would just use until I didn't care anymore. It's a good feeling.

I have work in the morning, but it is supposed to snow, which means we won't be able to find needles. So I am dubious it is going to happen. But I should still go to bed early. I'm not sure what I should do. Right now I am drinking tea. I could knit, but I don't know if I feel calm enough. My mind is busy. I hope I don't go manic, that'd suck! Maybe knitting is a good idea, it would help still my mind. I have been thinking about getting into meditation. I have a yoga mat I could sit on while I do it. It would be really good for my bipolar disorder.

Well, I think I am gonna surf the web and read self helpy webpages. I used to go across the street to Chapters when I lived on South Granville and sit in the self help section reading. It was awesome! :D

Pissed off!

UGH! One of my cousin's sent me this totally aggressive message on facebook about how I needed to shut it about my alcoholic roommate. So I unfriended him and blocked him. I don't appreciate men telling me what I can and can't talk about, it's really paternalistic and offensive! Besides that, my facebook is where I get support from people, it pisses me off when members of my family want me to cut off that outlet.

There are some really weird things that happen in a family riddled with substance abusers. There is this pervasive shame around it and silence, and if you break the silence then people get really pissed off. Because it also makes them have to look at themselves. And people don't like looking at their own substance abuse issues. And there is also a whole slew of codependents and enablers and all kinds of things going on. It really sickens the whole family system. I'm really tired of it. And I am starting to look forward to getting out of the city for good. I don't like being around this shit. I feel like it is adding stress to my life that isn't healthy. And Mom's talking about Steven living here next May!!!!! So I don't think he is going to leave at all. I think I have to live with him until I move next August. Which is really frustrating. Some days he is a really good roommate, funny, helpful, charming. I like him those days. Then other days he is just an asshole! It's the whole alcoholic rollercoaster that I am sick of.

Anyway, I have no choice around him, I can't get away from him because I can't move out of my Mom's house yet. I'm stuck with him. And it's really unhealthy and frustrating and it's been a year with him now with very little improvement. I still feel like he is using us. But really, what I wanted to talk about in this post was being pissed off with my other cousin for trying to tell me what I can and can't write about. It's so infuriating. If he feels shame reading about Steven then he can just fuck off. I need to talk about what it is like to live with a very active alcoholic. And it's not even like I do talk about him all the time, I rarely talk about him. But he does live with me, so shit is gonna come up. And if he doesn't want me talking about him falling off the wagon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over then he can move out! No one's keeping him here! If he was a drunk somewhere else I wouldn't mention it because it wouldn't be impacting my life. But it DOES impact my life! For instance his last drunk he took 35 dollars worth of our meat to a friends house to eat. That's a lot of money! And we can't afford to feed his friends while he is on a drunk! That kind of stuff makes me angry!

I think this whole idea of shutting up women to hide family secrets is sick. I'm not going to listen to a man tell me what to do. That's one of the myriad reasons I am a lesbian, so I don't have to listen to a stupid man!

Anyway, UGH!

Well, I should go knit. I am nearly done this ball of wool, then I move on to the next ball until my scarf is long enough! And then I am making dishcloths! I am giving a few away as Christmas presents. I'm gonna try not to buy Christmas presents this year for anyone but Mum and Sky. There's too much expectation around Christmas.

Oh gawd! Christmas! I hope there isn't obvious alcohol in our house this Christmas. Last Christmas Eve Steven got spectacularly drunk on a whole bottle of Limoncello. It kinda fucked up our Christmas. And Christmas is always kind of a fucked up holiday anyway! When I get a partner I'm just having Christmas with her, there's too many family members involved in our Christmases at my Mom's. I love my family, but they expect too much of my Mom.