There are some really weird things that happen in a family riddled with substance abusers. There is this pervasive shame around it and silence, and if you break the silence then people get really pissed off. Because it also makes them have to look at themselves. And people don't like looking at their own substance abuse issues. And there is also a whole slew of codependents and enablers and all kinds of things going on. It really sickens the whole family system. I'm really tired of it. And I am starting to look forward to getting out of the city for good. I don't like being around this shit. I feel like it is adding stress to my life that isn't healthy. And Mom's talking about Steven living here next May!!!!! So I don't think he is going to leave at all. I think I have to live with him until I move next August. Which is really frustrating. Some days he is a really good roommate, funny, helpful, charming. I like him those days. Then other days he is just an asshole! It's the whole alcoholic rollercoaster that I am sick of.
Anyway, I have no choice around him, I can't get away from him because I can't move out of my Mom's house yet. I'm stuck with him. And it's really unhealthy and frustrating and it's been a year with him now with very little improvement. I still feel like he is using us. But really, what I wanted to talk about in this post was being pissed off with my other cousin for trying to tell me what I can and can't write about. It's so infuriating. If he feels shame reading about Steven then he can just fuck off. I need to talk about what it is like to live with a very active alcoholic. And it's not even like I do talk about him all the time, I rarely talk about him. But he does live with me, so shit is gonna come up. And if he doesn't want me talking about him falling off the wagon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over then he can move out! No one's keeping him here! If he was a drunk somewhere else I wouldn't mention it because it wouldn't be impacting my life. But it DOES impact my life! For instance his last drunk he took 35 dollars worth of our meat to a friends house to eat. That's a lot of money! And we can't afford to feed his friends while he is on a drunk! That kind of stuff makes me angry!
I think this whole idea of shutting up women to hide family secrets is sick. I'm not going to listen to a man tell me what to do. That's one of the myriad reasons I am a lesbian, so I don't have to listen to a stupid man!
Well, I should go knit. I am nearly done this ball of wool, then I move on to the next ball until my scarf is long enough! And then I am making dishcloths! I am giving a few away as Christmas presents. I'm gonna try not to buy Christmas presents this year for anyone but Mum and Sky. There's too much expectation around Christmas.
Oh gawd! Christmas! I hope there isn't obvious alcohol in our house this Christmas. Last Christmas Eve Steven got spectacularly drunk on a whole bottle of Limoncello. It kinda fucked up our Christmas. And Christmas is always kind of a fucked up holiday anyway! When I get a partner I'm just having Christmas with her, there's too many family members involved in our Christmases at my Mom's. I love my family, but they expect too much of my Mom.