Conclusion

So I guess I can conclude this long dissertation, although I will always write here. By now you might have guessed that I really am the reincarnation of Sarain Stump. And Sarain Stump really was the reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl's reign ended when the cult of Tezcatlipoca took over. A young man would be chosen for a year to live as Tezcatlipoca, and he had all kinds of girlfriends and was treated like a prince for a year. And at the end of the year, he would go up the pyramid and have his heart ripped out. And the next year it was the same, with a new boy. And Quetzalcoatl went into exile, and said he would be back. And he was trans. I think I have always wondered why Tezcatlipoca would be a more popular god. So I did spend many lifetimes following cults, trying to crack the code, trying to get people out. And I always died as a political prisoner. ALWAYS. Actually, that's not true, the last time I needed to make amends to the Americas and clear my conscience and jump into a body that would be this age now, which is why I set my mom and dad up. I don't think they need to be together, I think they just both have some awesome genetics. I've never gotten this far before, but then, this is the first time I have had the internet.

I've actually been working for six months on contract to my uncle, Doug Cuthand, who is a producer. He's got some amazing scripts. I had to research HIV for him first, and then he sent me to the Merchant office to research residential schools. I couldn't touch the files anymore. I know exactly what is in them, but I honestly don't want those files near me again. Those are stories of some of the worst things that have happened to my people, those are stories of our Holocaust. And we are still in the Holocaust. I wanted to compare Nazi Germany, because that happened the same time the residential schools really got started. And our Holocaust was focused on our children, in the end. Uncle Doug has this amazing script he's been working on based on the story we heard through Louise Mandell, about her grandfather, who was a Holocaust survivor. His camp was liberated by a regiment of Canadian aboriginal men. And they were amazing with the camp survivors. They held them and let them cry for the first time and gave them watery soup because they knew that they couldn't have solid food yet. And that was when they felt free. And then some Americans came in for a photo op. He told her she should always work for Aboriginal people, and she has, she is one of the finest Native rights litigators in Canada, and it was lovely to apprentice in her office.

Anyway, I know he wants the research, and I know he's kind of disappointed that I just took off and freaked out, but I was planning it. I didn't expect to get so wrapped up in it, but I think I did crack the code and I think I did find a way for us to actually talk about it. I hope someone produces his script so that he does get something out of this, I didn't mean to derail his project. But the research is all here, everything, everything I know.

Anyway, I have to go get tested for cervical cancer now. Because I contracted HPV and Indian Affairs wouldn't pay for me to take Aldera. And Aldera is about six hundred bucks for a course of treatment, but they made me take some shoddy second rate one, and I don't think it worked. No one was willing to pay for me to take care of an STD, because if I got an STD I probably deserved it. But I know who gave it to me and it was a girl. I have to put my time sheet in anyway, because I haven't been paid for my last two weeks of work yet and I need to buy supplements for my brain and honestly, no one is lending me money anymore. And I have no job after this. So hopefully I can get paid and I can work this out with my uncle. He's a legendary guy actually, he spent time in Haight Ashbury when it was all going on. There's a rumour he helped draft dodgers. I've heard another story about him meeting the King of the Roma in a parking lot in Paris. He told me all about the sex workers using Smart Cars at Cannes. And he lost his son, my cousin Christopher, this year in an industrial accident. And we all miss Christopher so much. I didn't want anyone to mess him over while he's grieving. He's had no clue what I've been doing, I think he's kind of paranoid, poor guy. So I should go face up to that. Linda, who works in his office, was great fun to talk to. She's worked in the Industry for ages and ages and she's ridiculously good at what she does. And I hope he's okay with the direction I took his research, because it really is all here. I just don't think you need to hear about the shitty things they did to kids. That would be too hard on the remaining survivors. And other survivors, because it continued.

I dunno, I really hope I don't have cervical cancer, but I'm honestly not sure. And some weird unknown liquids were injected to me in the ward, I have no idea what they were. They didn't tell me. It was easy to believe I was a crazy person, because then somehow people feel safer. But I was never crazy. I was a political prisoner. And I doubt highly that I will get any recompense for it.

My whole file is in Montreal. I don't want to look at it, but I'm aware it might come out after all of this, to prove I was fucked up. I think Mohammed is alive and well, by the way, because I see it in Maher Arar. I hope he can have a life again, he deserves to be able to relate to his family. He's coming here this month, I was hoping to meet him. I dunno, I just want him to have some hope. Ten million dollars still won't give you back your life, especially since he can't even get on a plane anymore.

My last HIV, Hep, Syphillis, everything came out clear. I just have HPV. Which could still kill me unless I can get it out of my system and check my cervical cells on a routine basis. I guess it wasn't important for Indian Affairs to actually provide proper treatment, but they sure did go balls out to pay for all kinds of psych meds, some of which are ridiculously expensive. If other people want to write on here they can send me an email, and I'll add them, if they can tell me a good reason for them to add their voice to this Fit of Pique. And I'm out of pot, which I should get so I can keep healing, but again, people don't want to give me money until I can prove I deserve it and that I'm a hard worker. I think they mean making shoes. Directing is not an option for me right now with the way government funding works. And I missed a bunch of deadlines, because I had to sort this out. I was writing about the psych ward, but it's a long story that one.

I am curious about the ships here. I don't know, maybe they can help me. Maybe I can't get help on this planet the way it is. Maybe you do prefer Tezcatlipoca. I don't want to commit suicide, and I won't, so if you do find me dead I didn't do it. I know we have to disarm all nukes in order to get out of quarantine, but I'm not sure that people are ready to let go of the ballistic missiles they've been cuddling while falling asleep.

And really, truly, I mostly just want to be a director again. And I want to live forever. Somehow I do believe that forever is possible.

So I'll end my formal presentation with one of my favorite songs in high school by The Cranberries, Salvation. And they come from another one of my homelands that knows colonialism inside and out. I'll still talk on here, but I do hope that the floor opens up now, because I know they are waiting in the wings. And I hope it makes sense now. Have a good Easter, and I will write again after the holidays are over. But feel free to write during that time. I have friends here who are checking up on me and they are really good. And now I should go fill in my time sheet.

The Unknown Country

I've been checking my site meter and notice that The Unknown Country keeps popping up. At first I thought it was government, but they are all Mac users. I think I know where the Unknown Country is.

Pandemic

I keep hearing people say "Next there will be a pandemic." It's here, in case you haven't noticed.

It's not really a coincidence that AIDS emerged just after the Queer movement really started. Excuse me, Gay liberation, because that's what they called it. The two epicentres of the pandemic were San Francisco and New York. There were also two experimental vaccines being given to gay men in both of those cities. For the old school boys, they still remember getting those vaccines and it still freaks them out. Obviously not every vaccine had HIV, because that would be too obvious. But I think whatever the concept was, they didn't realize that pansexual identity was alive and well, and that it was never going to stay in that one community. Currently 70% of seroconversions world wide are through heterosexual intercourse. In Mumbai almost 600 people contract HIV every night.

You might be surprised to know that the best HIV prevention education I got was from sex workers, gay men, and recovering junkies. They were amazing to talk to! I remember dating a sex worker once and I started asking her how she stayed safe, I mean, because it is a risky job, clearly, and for all kinds of reasons. She told me some neat things. She talked about being careful with lipstick, because sometimes it eats away latex. She talked about how you never put your seatbelt on and if it gets dodgy you open the door while they are driving, because no matter what they were going to do to you, they don't want to fuck up their car. She was intense! I don't think she knew why I was asking, I wasn't going to be a sex worker unless I had to do survival sex, but I always knew that it was possible I would need to do survival sex work because of my identity. But mostly I just wanted to know that she was as safe as she could be, because I loved her and we really didn't know how to be ourselves in this kind of a world. We broke up over triggers, I was still pretty clueless about them.

And then some of the most politically aware people I met were recovering junkies. My friend Brent used to talk to me about his life in the downtown eastside and all these socialist things he used to do in his life. He was an amazing political activist for a really long time, and he's an older guy, he must be fifty now. Anyway, I remember one day he said "They're sharing HIV positive needles on purpose now. It's the only way they can get on disability, and disability pays more than regular welfare." It was sad. I mean, we both knew the kinds of people who walked through that neighborhood, and most of them had hard luck lives. ANYONE can end up in the downtown eastside. And once you're there, holy fuck, it is hard as hell to escape. I gave him an Erika Lopez book to entertain himself with, I think he liked it.

I was talking to a friend once and was shocked to find out that she was as old as me and had only ever used condoms once. I think people have romanticized unsafe sex. I mean, you can do risky stuff but you have to be really really fucking careful and really clear about boundaries and wow, it's intense. And not many people can do monogamy. Some can, but relatively few. And sometimes I wonder if that's just because they're looking for better sex, more than that they are not in love. It's funny though, that in a time when we HAVE to really take this pandemic fucking seriously, so many of the most well trained HIV educators have been silenced because of their identities. And instead we have fucking True Love Waits campaigns, and girls are doing anal because they think it's safer than possible baby making sex. It's insanity! Most youth are total sodomites now, and they don't see it as sex, it's foreplay. I don't know how that happened. I mean, sodomy is ridiculously fun, and if boys don't know how vaginas work, and most don't, then maybe they should stick to that! But really, you need to think about safer sex for all kinds of things, not just penis in vagina sex. And it's true that condoms break, but fuck, that is better than none at all isn't it? I don't know, homophobia and transphobia really is going to kill the planet. And we've been distracted with some fucked up campaign against a country not many Americans really care about except they've been told to hate it.

Mikiki

I think Mikiki is going to start writing here, I hope so, because hir work is amazingly fun. Ze does an activity called the Drag Race, which has been in Saskatoon too. And ze has a makeup library. Here's Mikiki's drag race documentation.

Detroit

I think the scariest contrary I have never met is Eminem. I know no one has been able to place him in art history yet, because he is a complex little character. Stef turned me on to Eminem, I was so avoiding his work because I knew it was all hate stuff. But I was still curious, because he was so intense! I don't think anyone has really clued in that he is pretty much in drag all the time. Detroit male drag! I didn't grow up in Detroit, but in Saskatoon that was the American news we watched. And Detroit is hardcore! They set stuff on FIRE at halloween! They're bizarre. So that was the male model he patterned his character after. And he has tried to make sure people know they are personas, because he uses different stage names. But he walked into the heart of darkness man, that's been intense to watch.

What is interesting about his work is that we assume he is talking from the position of the ugly straight man. And he's not! He's singing about gay male misogyny. And it's fucking intense! He brings out all the ugly thoughts gay men have about women and places it front and centre and somehow linked it back to heterosexual men, and that is scary! I think so many people have tried to pull him out of drag because he does make gay men look so awful! But it is a persona, because I've followed enough of his music and his personal life to know. And I think I know why he is doing it, because he's the father of a girl! Do you honestly think he wants that kind of life for his daughter? Fuck no, and it comes out in his music, he gets violent if a fan comes around him and his kid. He seriously flips out to defend her, it's so hardcore! I mean, he does love women, because he's raising one, and he's trying to figure out how to keep her from living in a world that worships Slim Shady. He's so genderqueer, I don't know how people don't pick it up. He even dresses like a girl sometimes, but his fan base still doesn't get it. I don't know how he's going to prove that lesbians are cool, but he's trying. He's so consumed by the corporations though, they don't know what performance art is. And of course now he has a rabid fan base of guys who want to suck his cock and don't know why. I'm so curious to see how he's going to come out of drag, because it's been bizarre to watch.

Milos Forman and Ken Keesey

Milos Forman is a brilliant director, because he knows how to cross cultures to talk about his life. It took me ages to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, because I knew it was going to be fucking intense. And Stef tried to make me watch it for the first time in French and I was like "Fuck off!" Anyway, we did watch it together, I got the deluxe DVD. And there's an amazing documentary on there about the making of the film. It was independent, that was not a Hollywood film, but he found backers who did come from Hollywood money, which was amazing. And he was actually making a film about his life in Eastern Europe. That was an Eastern European story. And he did it in an American style. His process for getting his actors into character was phenomenal, because he let them be crazy all the time. They actually lived on the ward and people stopped being able to tell if they were the patients or the actors. Some of them totally regressed, but they had a psychiatrist on staff who calmed them down and let them know that they were just playing like children, it was okay, they were going to be fine. And they were fine, because Milos set up the ultimate safe working experience. He made sure they were okay even though they went hardcore into their characters. And they didn't have to put it away at the end of the day, they got to stay in character ALL the time. And most of those actors were then unknown, but of course now you look at them and so many have gone on to do amazing work.

And he was a true collaborator. He let them go where they wanted, some of it was totally unscripted. And he did put in a code, which was amazing, and I use it too.

We think it's a film about Randall P. McMurphy, and it kind of is, but in the Ken Keesey book, it's actually written from the viewpoint of Chief. It's all about Chief watching this stuff happen to a white guy and seeing that race doesn't matter, anyone can get seriously fucked over. Ken Keesey was a genius too. He wrote Cuckoo's Nest after spending some time working as an orderly in a psych ward. And then of course he went on to drive around America in his Acid Kool-Aid van. He was a hippie! And to learn about power, he was an orderly, and obviously he didn't like what was happening there.

There's a great scene in Cuckoo's Nest where McMurphy gives Chief a stick of juicyfruit as they are on their way to the ECT room. And Chief finally says something, after all that time being super quiet. And he starts trying to help McMurphy without being noticed, because he needs the staff to keep thinking he's a dumb Indian. And they have these intense conversations about growing up as men and how you get worked on. But Chief was never going to say anything to McMurphy as long as McMurphy was racist. It was only when he finally realized McMurphy was curious about him that they really became friends.

I think maybe it is a good film to watch right now, if you do feel crazy. Because the end is amazing!

I actually did find a few people who helped me in the ward, it was hard though, because I was a closeted transman and they were gay men. And they spoke French, so we needed a translator. This was in the hardcore ward with the sex offender. Anyway, the translator I used was an HIV positive gay man. And he was awesome, it was hard on him though, because he had no clue what I was doing. And I remember when I went into the ward the staff kept saying "Don't touch him, he's . . . special." They wouldn't even let me hug him, they were so paranoid. And we weren't going to have sex, we just needed to be affectionate with each other. So we held hands when no one was looking. And he started falling in love because no one was touching him, he was a pariah, really, and that threw him because he thought I was a lesbian, everyone did. I remember one time I forget what I was doing and the gay male orderlies were like "You can't do that here, this is a straight ward!" And I said "What? No homosexuals allowed?" I knew what they meant but I didn't want them to get away with a translation slip. And they started giggling like little girls, they were like "No no no, we mean strict!" I don't think the man I was incarcerated with knew I was going to be okay, because by the end of psych care they do get rid of empathy. But I knew enough about HIV to know we couldn't do anything, I mean, they sure as hell don't pass out condoms in the ward. I hear that's changing now. And the guy I was with, he was having a hard time on his meds because they stopped him from being able to ejaculate. And it was torture on him, I mean, it was the only release he had and he could not get it even on his own.

And I remember I really fucked up people, because they didn't know why a girl wanted to be treated with respect. They were so confused on that front, because they assumed girls were passive and meek, and I was all "Fuck all y'all!" They called me a princess, and it really bothered them, because someone like me wasn't supposed to be so uppity. Not a GIRL! If I had been a bioman, it might have been slightly different, but I doubt it. They always find some way to fuck you up with gender there.

So maybe my point is just that you should buy some juicyfruit for friends.

Womenvisions

My first contact with the Vancouver queer community was through co-op radio, on a show I worked on called Womenvisions. I was the control room dude. I remember one time they did a call in contest and the first caller was a man. And they were so shocked.

Stark Raven was just before Womenvisions, and it was the anarchist show. And that is how I met my friend Louise, because she was the control room dude for that show. She was great, she looked like a white Grace Jones. She ended up in a video of mine that aired on WTN and became some kind of butch sex symbol, it was cute. Anyway, we just started bonding on the control room thing and it evolved from there. She was fun to pal around with. I think hanging out with lesbians IS a good thing for trans guys, because they teach you about your body, and other girl bodies, and they don't seem to mind handing you over to gay male friends to learn about boys. And gay men are also really good at talking about their bodies.

I remember when one of our friends seroconverted and Louise and a bunch of other lesbians stepped up to the plate and took turns providing care. And once Louise was over there cleaning and she picked up this thing and put it on her wrist. And when she told the guy she had forgotten to take it off and was going to give it back, he was like "That's a cock ring!" And she was so cute, she was like, "Oh, well no wonder it's on my wrist because that's my cock." He let her keep it, she wore it for a long time. And it was so great because she was such a nice person in every other way, and yet she totally flaunted this fisting symbol. I don't think she ever knew how many girls chased her. She was the best butch barbie doll too, I'd go over and she would spend literally an hour trying to figure out which t-shirt and jeans to wear. She was butch but in so many ways she was such a girl! She convinced me to have a breast casting party with her, and all we did was feel up girls breasts, they loved it! Anne got her nipple ring caught though. And someone told me some intense BDSM fantasy while I was trying to cast her breasts and it made me all shy, it was funny. I think it was a bondage fantasy.

I remember her friend who seroconverted was telling me about it once, because he wanted to make a video. And he said "They always tell you that you are on a train to Pittsburgh. And you can slow the train down and you can take a few different routes but you will ALWAYS get to Pittsburgh." What the hell? Is that some kind of Vera Charles reference? Are we all talking in English accents while on a train to Pittsburgh? The way HIV education in this world is going, it would seem so. I am so hopping another train.

Men do get hand envy, by the way, the educated ones anyway. I remember one time Archer was looking at my hands and he said "I am so jealous. Your hands are the right size. You're so lucky!"

Native Youth Today

I've watched a disturbing trend show up in Native children. It's like, they're trying to compete with Europeans who have been taught a certain way forever, and it's made them into assholes!

I remember I did my first official teaching gig with Cease Wyss, and we were training some youth to make videos. And they were assholes! I know not all of them were like that, but as an entity they found the true meaning of Wanker. They did stupid shit like change the clocks on the walls so they could get out early. They ignored instruction and then got mad when they realized they didn't know something. We couldn't even get to the basic three light set up because they'd pitch a fit about watching us assemble and disassemble a red head, and then when it was their turn to do it they'd get all sullen and smart alexy. I had no idea how to find anything they liked to start them out with, because they hated everything! I mean, it was insane, they could bitch out the sun if they wanted to. And it became a crisis in the aboriginal art community at large, actually, because suddenly all these well respected artists were like "We don't want to teach youth anymore. They are assholes." It's true. And in fact the new thing is teaching elders to make videos, because honestly, the youth are way too arrogant to do anything with. And I'm talking people in their early twenties acting this way. And a lot of them were total phobes, so stupid! They coasted on assumption and it was never going to take them very far. I think afterwards some of them clued in, but fuck it was hard, because they took the lead of the major alcoholic in the group because he was a boy and he was big and he could open his mouth and make words come out.

Either way, I hate to say it but by and large the aboriginal community is abandoning it's youth, because they've turned into monsters! Not all of them, but some really assimilated ones, yeah! Which is why I hope Laurel starts writing because she's been teaching inner city kids and she's finding out how to get them to talk about things they like. And she's demanding. And she got a whole class to start saying veranda instead of porch, because they liked that word.

I didn't have a deck in high school, I had a linai.

Norval

Surprisingly few people know that Norval is also a two spirited artist. Leanne Martin and Morgan Wood curated some of his explicit works in Exposed, along with some of my stuff and lots of other people. It was an interesting step to take, because our community was finally trying to talk about the fact that we had sex. And that was something that was hard for us to talk about because of what happened in the residential schools. I mean, so awkward, really, and understandably so. And I dunno, I talk about sex all the time because I'm hoping that eventually people won't feel embarrassed by their sex lives. Because originally Aboriginal people were totally pansexual. And that's something that was supressed during colonization. Did I spell supress right? Fuck it, whatev man. But I've noticed that people are so embarrassed by their sex lives that sometimes they self destruct on that front, and have terrible unsafe sex! And HIV is on the rise in our communities, so we HAVE to start talking about sex. And not being aggressive with each other, but just talking about the fact that it's not a bad thing, it's just abuse that is bad. I dunno, it's hard for people to draw those distinctions. It was hard for me, I mean, if something bad happens often you just carry it around in your body until you can figure out how to let it go. And if you go stone, you don't ever let it go!!! No, but there is a thing about touch, and that is hard for survivors of serious shit. Even when I was working through the hospital, I did not want my mom to come anywhere near me. I was all on guard.

My mom gave me a print of Norval's for my apartment. It was "Bear as Keeper." I could only find a titchy jpg of it though.

Only in Dreams

This one of the songs James Luna has used in his performances. It was my favorite song in high school too. Weezer was cute.

First Year Emily Carr

People sometimes think going to art school is a cop out, like it's all fun and games. It is fun, but the workload is fucking intense, I mean, you really never ever stop working there. I still did school work in my dreams, it was so intense.

First Year was the weirdest though, by far, because in a way they had to weed out people who couldn't hack it. And they did it in this so bizarre way, because they basically turn First Year into high school. You have a seperate corridor for doing first year things and all your classes and you get to go into the auditorium for lectures. This is the Lictors returning to Brutus the Dead Bodies of his Sons. Yes, that was the one I remember the most. I had the title memorized just because it was so unwieldy. But it was an interesting concept, I mean, if you wanted to know if artists could hack art school, simulate a high school environment, but with total free thinking.

I think that is what pissed off a lot of people, because we were so ready to leave high school. None of us had felt we engaged in high school society to our full capabilities. So I kept hearing my friends say "This is high school! We're still in high school!" And it seemed to be the queer ones who had the most trouble with the concept, because we'd do something totally 'mo and all these people would give us weird looks like we were fucked up. I think the professors really defended the queer students though, as much as they could anyway, because they knew queer theory was just always in art, always. It's just there.

I remember it so well, because I was in a class Judy Radul was teaching on media and I did what I thought was a hilarious little composition. I had interviewed BDSM friends about the community we were in, and I mixed it to a four track. And I had some really funny clips. I had my roommate Christie, for one, and she had wild stories! I got her to tell me all about pansexual sex clubs in San Francisco, and it was so cool because she was very matter of fact about it. She even told me what a witches wheel was, and I still haven't seen one of those anywhere I've gone. And so I made my little report to the class and all these people gave me this freaked out look. And I was like "What? What? Why is that weird?" I think after class Judy said "You know, most of these people haven't had sex yet." Maybe a different prof told me that actually. And I was like "Whatever, I've only had sex three times, why is this so hard for people to talk about? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with sex, talk about it?"

I don't know. I did know, however, that boys were totally willing to spill their secrets to the girls. A gay friend of mine was like "Do you know all the boys draw in the bathroom is penises? That is all they draw! I don't think they know how to draw anything else."

The best elder was there for first year, Shirley Bear. I can't explain why she was the best, but she influenced EVERYONE who was there at the time. I remember one time later on in second term I walked into her office all glum. She asked "What's wrong?" "Oh. The other day I was napping and a thunderbird flew in and started flying around and around and it dropped a mouse on my back and the mouse ran in to the base of my spine and did something and then they both went away. I feel like I am being called to something. What do I do? Do I have to start being a medicine person?" And she gave the best answer, she said "You are nineteen years old, you have to go be silly for a while." And I was like "Hey man, awesome, now I can figure out who I am." I honestly think that is the best recommendation for early spiritual seekers, except for that cult thing, yes, that is the pitfall. But I think going to Emily Carr for four years did help me figure myself out. And I remember by the end of it when I was on antidepressants, people started telling me "You act SO drugged." I'm curious what it would have been like to do Emily Carr without pills, but they got rid of Shirley Bear just after first year ended, because she was freaking them out because she would smudge with students.

It hit all the students really hard. And we were trying to get her back for ages and the administration wouldn't budge. Worse than that, we knew even if we did convince them to rehire her, she was never coming back. It was such a difficult time. I think she went to bat for the Native students a hell of a lot more than most of them knew. Ah, they probably did know. But she knew where students had to go and she would fight with people if they didn't get it. Because Emily Carr seemed to think Aboriginal students needed studio classes badly, because they didn't know that all aboriginals grow up doing studio really, in their own ways. So I think it was the rare person who actually got to move into a specialized area of learning. She fought for me to get into the film department, she was tough. But I don't think Emily Carr was ready for an elder who knew that essentially all her students knew what they needed. Because we just naturally came in humble and saying we didn't know stuff, and that was an attitude that Europeans never understood, because they assumed it meant we really DIDN'T know stuff. But mostly "I don't know" is a really good mantra for learning, honestly, which is why you say it so much.

But the students did bond, the native students, because we had to, we still had to struggle with our race, in a friggin art school! And I remember watching other more brown native people being asked to talk about their culture in class. And I just thought, that is lazy. They're learning about their culture right now and you're trying to make them give answers instead of have good questions. I remember for one of our groups shows we all gave our treaty cards to Sondra Cross, who copied them and made a mobile. And this guy who's name I have flaked on said "Yeah man, it's called Statusfaction!" I thought that was so clever. I mean, we did inspire each other, which was the fun thing. Peter Morin went on to try to break the Guinness World Record for largest bannock. So you can kind of see where it all went. And the guys and girls did talk to each other, and they were fine with queers. They didn't care who you were as long as you knew how to make them think. And they were having fun! They didn't always want to make the hardcore stuff, they wanted to be silly and make each other laugh. We all knew our history to begin with, we didn't want to talk about all the bad things. We wanted to goof off. We knew the bad things were there!

I think James Luna was one of my inspirations for being ridiculous AND political. He came to Saskatoon once and we all got to hang out with him. We went to Buds on Broadway and went dancing. And I used to talk to him about music, because he knew some funky boy music that I had never heard of before. And he did this one great transformation performance to Weezer, I mean man, such a boy! He was great. And he knew how hard it was for light skinned Native people, which was something that made me feel better. In fact, in the art community I find that skin tone amongst Native artists doesn't really matter, they just want to know that you GET IT. And people can be clueless with any skin colour.

Apparently Norval Morriseau had a whole room full of dildos. I think Barry Ace told me that one.

orbs

orbs
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I don't think Deanna will mind me posting this. This is a photo taken on the night we burned my psych stuff and set off fireworks for Christopher's birthday. We are setting off fireworks here. I've never seen anyone in my family get orb photos before, but here it is.

Sailors

I've been trying to avoid the news like the plague, but I did see that Iran let the British sailors go, which was a good move. I don't want to see anything escalate more than it has. Maybe this will start making people think less bad things about the Middle East, and about Britain. I mean, things really don't have to get fucked up violent at all.

Sides

My friend said this interesting thing yesterday about growing up. She said she didn't become a woman until she accepted her masculine side. And I think that's very appropriate for the times, because I do think men accepting their feminine side and women accepting their masculine side makes talking a lot easier. And I don't think having both sides going on limits someone from still inhabiting a particular gender they like or can work with, even if the gender seems to conform to their physical bodies.

Vain Boy

Vain Boy
Originally uploaded by fit of pique.

I am a vain boy! I realized I haven't taken a picture of myself recently, so I thought I would give you the boy shot. I fussed with this picture so much! It made me think a lot about gender presentation, actually, but fuck, I still look goofy. So this is me as an out boy. The clothes are old, I wore these clothes all the time anyway, even when I was still going by my old name.

Masculinity is a Drag

I'm pretty butched up right now, I will post a picture later. But it should be noted that masculinity is a costume as much as anything, so you might see me be all kinds of boys. I think people often take masculinity for granted and assume it's a totally natural state. Which is, well, masculinity is real, yes, but it's still something you can put on and take off in certain ways. Same as femininity. There are all kinds of male drag that people wear, and often people don't question it unless it shows up in a two spirited person. I dunno, that's just a quirk.

It's Easter soon. It's a busy weekend actually, because some friends are getting married and a bunch of people are in town for that. And I also feel obligated to attend Easter services with my grandparents, since I've been going to Christmas and Easter services for four years. And I know they're concerned and I don't want them to think they brought up Damien! So yeah, I will be fine, I can actually talk to people about normal everyday things again, which is good because I know my family is kind of confused. I think they will be okay. And I can actually take communion now, which is kind of funny. I think all of us got baptized while Auntie Beth was being ordained, although not everyone is going to be Anglican. Personally, I don't feel tied in to the Anglican church, but my family has that going on so I have to respect that as well as everything else. And I do, I know it makes sense to a lot of them and they still have Aboriginal ideas. Either way, they needed at least one grandchild who would do churchy things sometimes. And I do like all kinds of religions, honestly. I just don't like when cults attach themselves to one.

It's chilly out. I got my bomber jacket out of the closet because my other one looks silly on me, but it's still not warm enough. I think I am getting out of feeling like a teenage boy, although I know I totally look like one right now. I'm going to be a 29 year old man on the 26th and I look like a teenager!! It's so weird.

I've realized I'm having trouble talking to some women, just because it's awkward. I don't want people to think I deliberately switched sides for some ominous reason, I was always going to end up here. But there are a lot of women I am still talking to, and that is good. In fact, if you wanted to try and have an awakening from a female perspective, all of Tori Amos' songs are awesome. She's into Gnostic Christianity, and she has some interesting things. And she's part Native, of course. I don't know if it's only aboriginals waking up. I don't think so at all, not from the pulse I'm getting, which is good. Anyway, yes, Tori Amos is putting out her whole collection this month, it is called A Piano. So if you'd prefer hearing this in a girl voice, that's a good spot to start. It's not so scary. And I think she likes all kinds of religions too. She's very healing, especially for survivors.

My hair wants cutting.

The trans group is AWOL. I mean, the one I was going to go to. Which is okay, but it would have been nice to meet them. Maybe later. I have met trans folks all over, so I don't feel woefully alone. I actually think maybe I should start talking to some of the boys in my life, because a lot of them are all confused and muzzy and doing self destructive stuff, because guys do that. Not that it's a good option, it's just what I have noticed. I think I should start talking to some of the other girls I knew in high school too. I know Heather is supposed to call me, and I have Danielle's number, and I could probably round them up because they all went off to do stuff. I'm curious where they are now. Mostly I'm getting my feet back on the ground and trying to contact people, just so they know what is up. With my gender, anyway. At the very least.

I'm going to be 29 soon! That's insane! I feel like I was 24 only yesterday.

Codes

There are some codes in this blog, which is why some of it looked all fucked up. I should explain at least ONE of them so you don't think I'm a total idiot.

King Kong will stop the rain.

Now, I don't actually believe that we are going to get a giant gorilla to stomp around. That's silly! That's an injoke from Data Lounge, which happens to be where a lot of closeted celebrities post anonymously. They stay pretty covert, but everyone knows they are there because sometimes they complain that they can't do anything politically because their Academy votes don't count for politics. Well, no, honestly, no of course Academy votes aren't going to change the world. BUT maybe if people stopped being chicken and actually stood up for their community, things would change. That's what I think anyway. But I don't know, maybe King Kong won't show up.

Packing

I've been pretty much packing since I decided to be Sarain again, or finally, or whatever. I have to say, it's really weird! People are starting to look at my crotch. I got totally cruised by some suburban guy the other day. Fuck guys are horny buggers! Ah, not all. But you can so tell now, oh my god! I've never gotten the eye contact, basket gaze, eye contact thing before. Holy crap you guys!

I walk different, which is weird, I walk more the way I used to walk, which is nice. But it's such a boy walk. I walk like I'm carrying heavy armaments, and really I'm just buying a carton of milk. It's weird! I'm trying to remember the girl side and not get caught up in privilege, but it is so different. I've never fit my gender presentation before, not like this. It's like living in a different world. I'm starting to try to dress more like a boy, I don't know how to explain that since I'm a funny guy. I don't have many girly clothes to begin with anyway, so it's not like I have to get a new wardrobe.

I'm learning how to make eye contact, which is interesting. I never did that before. I'm learning a lot of things about walking in the world as a guy. But I'm still trying to be a decent guy. Fuck, the privilege thing is weird. I know I have to be confident to pass, but it's hard when I know what it's like to live full time as a female and be treated so differently.

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really common during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?