Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Two Spirited

I guess I should explain where trans people fit in Aboriginal culture, I mean, in the olden days. In the olden days, what I just went through was really coming during the coming of age of a trans man. I probably would have had it when I was quite a bit younger, but no one around me remembered anything about what this looks like. So I had to take small steps. I think they kind of got it when I came out originally, because they started talking about two spirited people, but they kind of just threw books at me and ran away. And I don't even know if they read the books.

Two spirited people can see from two perspectives at all times, in the original meaning of it, because they had a male and female soul. And becoming a powerful two spirited person meant you basically HAD to go through what I just went through. Not necessarily that extreme, but when I showed up I got a mission right away from my cousins. And then, I don't know, I started collecting people's missions from that one original thing. Which is why it looks so scrambled, I had to make it make sense for me and also confuse the hell out of you and also make various points. And some of my points were wrong because I was going out of a bisected brain, which is why you have to look at it as a whole.

What anticonvulsants do, essentially, is cut your brain in half to stop seizures. Which is messed up, if you are two spirited, because it means you can't access your entire self on anticonvulsants. And then you're not two spirited, you're just weird! Which is why I was getting out of being weird. So hopefully I can now move on to being a normal two spirited person and not one fucked up on drugs, which I was for years. But I didn't ever really want to be on drugs, but no one cared. No, that's not true, someone did care.

Anyway, oh yes, so I am back. And while I have a guy name and am going to look like a guy now, I actually still have a total female side, which is nice, because she's much happier having the male side around too. Inside me I mean, all on my own. It's almost like being a couple, but not really, because it's just two expressions of the same thing. And there was always a girl side reading heavy stuff too, I mean, none of it was so cut and dried. I say I was a covert boy because my hardcore boy story was mostly happening outside of people's knowledge, which is I think a common experience to trans people. It's common to try on a gender in private. But obviously, boy parts of me showed up all the time too, mostly. It just stopped making sense with each other while I was on drugs. Fuck, two spirited people should not be on psych drugs! Quit fucking smashing the next great hope of Aboriginal spiritual revival, for god's sakes! Okay, that was my last plaintive cry. No, not really. I don't know? Really?

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