Don't worry, I don't mean the end of me, or this blog, or whatever terrible thing that my title might suggest. I mean The End of the Steven Era! :D Tomorrow is the end of the month and Steven's official moving day. He doesn't seem to actually have a place to move to, but either way he isn't going to be living here anymore. I don't know if he is going to be living under a bridge or what. I suspect he's going to find a woman with low self esteem who will let him move in with her though. But I really don't know, he might move in with his fellow hobo friend M who has also been a homeless drunk. I guess we will see. It really doesn't matter to me, I'm just relieved that three months shy of two years he is out of our house and we won't have to deal with all the fucked up shit he does.
I guess I mentioned all the things that pissed me off about living with him, so if you have been a faithful reader I don't have to detail it all again. I noticed he wasn't very clever, he had a lot of life skills he was really shitty at, like not being able to cover food when he put it in the fridge, or deciding that he was a good cook, which he wasn't, and making food inedible. Or when he used to play music really loud in the middle of the night and not give a shit about who he kept up. Or getting drunk and making this unholy noise that was meant to be singing but just sounded like something dying. Anyway, eeesh! He's forty years old. But he is really more of a teenager. And the whole alcoholic thing too was awful, like when I would try to visit my other cousins and he would get in our face and be irritating and think he was being funny and really he was just being a douchebag.
BUT it's over! It's done! I can go back to having a healthy home life. I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I can't believe I managed to get sober in this house with these conditions! I remember one time he got really insistent that I drink this coke he had. Now that I think of it, he probably spiked it with rum. I was sober at the time and I didn't drink it, because I was suspicious, and for good reason. It seems like the kind of thing he would do too, sabotage someone's sobriety. And there were some other things that I didn't even tell Mom that he did or said to people while he lived here which creeped people out. I was so stressed out living with him. I was gonna move for August 1st if he didn't leave. I was ready to jump ship, it was a shitty living situation. Even my psych nurse was rooting for me to leave. But then he got evicted.
Anyway, WHAT ELSE? Actually life has been pretty good. I am hoping on Friday or next Monday to get a call setting up a job interview. Dora the corgi has slowed down on her nippy aggression. She's getting gentler, it is taking a long time but she is making progress, so I am happy. I've been spending time with these friends who are kind of crazy drinkers. I think I need to spend less time with them at night when they drink. I always regret hanging out with drinkers, the dramatic ones can really wear on you. Which is too bad because when they are sober they are fun. It's just I am really bad at wrangling drunks because I get irritated.
I think I need to make more sober friends, but I am not really a 12 stepper. My concurrent disorders group is nice. I don't know if I could make friends there, they don't really go for coffee after. I maybe want to hang out with people who don't have addictions issues and are sober though. Like, they just don't like booze and drugs or something. I dunno. Something!
I put an ad in Kijiji looking for an ex lover from like, 2000 or something. I haven't heard anything. She wasn't sober at the time, but she was a lot of fun and sweet. I wonder if I will ever find her?
I am trying to be open to love. I did a tarot reading about my love life and it gave me the best possible advice. It said I shouldn't do anything. I should just let things be and if something is going to happen it will happen at the right time and with the right person. I shouldn't go looking. I shouldn't go begging ex lovers for another chance. I should just exist and be happy with myself. So I guess that is what I am trying to do. Nothing! It's simple and yet almost difficult. I'm an expert at making these grand gestures of love towards indifferent women, and it's such a bad habit and I really have to knock it off. So maybe doing nothing will be good for me. Maybe someone should make a grand gesture towards me for once. Actually, if someone likes me the best way to get me is to flirt and stand back and then let me make the moves. But like, a really obvious flirt. And then giving me time to ponder. I'm easily scared off by someone who seems too into me. It has to be just right. I'm weird that way I guess.
I haven't found myself kissing someone in a long time. I think because I don't drink anymore. Drinking is such a social lubricant, in this terrible way. I don't even know how to make out with someone for the first time without being drunk. I haven't done it sober in ages. When I lost my virginity I was sober. But that's like, 18 years ago! I must have been intimate and sober some other time. I think I was sober when Amber Dawn and I first got together. That was a big night, it wasn't that long ago. Or was it? 2000? I guess that's 13 years ago. I don't remember drinking a beer when we had our first date, but I don't think I would remember either. I know we had sober morning sex a few times at least, but that wasn't the first time with each other.
Maybe this is why doing nothing is a good tactic for my love life. It will be a surprise whenever whatever happens. And I won't seem desperate. I hate seeming desperate, it makes me feel like a loser.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Cute girls, working out, pies!
I've been doing pretty good these days. Some things are happening in my life. I have a job interview coming up at the beginning of August. It's for a residency type position where I would be an emerging director in the theatre. I don't want to say too much about it until the closing date for applications passes. Except I am pretty stoked about it and hopefully it will really improve my life and give me a new purpose and expand my skill set for when I go on to direct feature films and such.
Tomorrow I am going for coffee and a walk with this cute girl I mentioned three entries ago from OKC. That should be fun. I'm not viewing it so much as a date as more of a hang out with the potential to become friends. BUT if sparks happen I am open to it! I just don't want to put pressure on the situation. She is pretty cute though.
Speaking of cute girls, I ran into someone I have mentioned here who I have an extensive history with and for lack of a better word I refer to as an ex. An ex whatever. Whatever we were doing that ended up breaking my heart. It was a good encounter. We made idle chit chat and she laughed at a silly thing I said and in the end she let me hug her, which was really nice. We haven't seen each other since 2007. I was going crazy wondering why we had never run into each other when we lived in the same city this whole time, but finally finally we saw each other. I think it was positive. Even though she will never love me.
I sometimes feel dumb for still loving someone who doesn't love me and never will. I guess that's the thing about love though, feeling it for someone isn't a guarantee they will feel it back. And even though I think I am pretty loveable, she doesn't see it. Which is too bad for her I guess.
I am kinda sleepy. It's late, and I need to get to sleep earlier. I have to stop falling in love with people who aren't interested in me! And Emma still doesn't want to be friendly friends with me since I confessed love to her last summer. I'm still on restricted profile. I have a terrible feeling she is waiting until I have a real relationship with someone else before she lets me interact with her again, and I have an even worse fear that I'm gonna be single for ages longer and still cut off from friendship with Emma! OH MANS! She was my sober pal. I really miss that.
Steven has been out of the house for the last two nights, tonight is the third night he has been gone and we have no clue where he is. I kind of wonder at what point we should put up posters or whatever. BUT he is leaving on Thursday for good, and we are renting that suite out for September 1st. So it's been almost like he is already gone, nice and relaxed and happy. Even Little Mister has calmed down. He hated Steven. Still, where the hell is Steven? Oh well.
What else? Oh hell, I don't know! My piercing is healing well, crusty but good. I did weight lifting with Laurel this past week and my body ACHED! But it was good, and I think I am gonna do it again. She left the next day for Manitoba, so I was without my workout pal. But she comes home on Monday and then I think we are back to the gym! I really do want those toned arms. I guess I could lose ten pounds. My weight had been going down for a while and then I quit the gym and started baking pies and I gained a bunch of weight. It's awkward, because I am fat positive. But also, I don't like always having to buy new clothes. So there's that.
I do miss her, the Ex. I mean, even just as a friend that I could hang out with, I miss her that way. But somehow I kind of think I would always lean towards romantic feelings towards her. She did get my virginity, that's kind of a big deal. They say you always love your first love. Too bad I wasn't her first love too, then she would always love me instead of never loving me.
Tomorrow I am going for coffee and a walk with this cute girl I mentioned three entries ago from OKC. That should be fun. I'm not viewing it so much as a date as more of a hang out with the potential to become friends. BUT if sparks happen I am open to it! I just don't want to put pressure on the situation. She is pretty cute though.
Speaking of cute girls, I ran into someone I have mentioned here who I have an extensive history with and for lack of a better word I refer to as an ex. An ex whatever. Whatever we were doing that ended up breaking my heart. It was a good encounter. We made idle chit chat and she laughed at a silly thing I said and in the end she let me hug her, which was really nice. We haven't seen each other since 2007. I was going crazy wondering why we had never run into each other when we lived in the same city this whole time, but finally finally we saw each other. I think it was positive. Even though she will never love me.
I sometimes feel dumb for still loving someone who doesn't love me and never will. I guess that's the thing about love though, feeling it for someone isn't a guarantee they will feel it back. And even though I think I am pretty loveable, she doesn't see it. Which is too bad for her I guess.
I am kinda sleepy. It's late, and I need to get to sleep earlier. I have to stop falling in love with people who aren't interested in me! And Emma still doesn't want to be friendly friends with me since I confessed love to her last summer. I'm still on restricted profile. I have a terrible feeling she is waiting until I have a real relationship with someone else before she lets me interact with her again, and I have an even worse fear that I'm gonna be single for ages longer and still cut off from friendship with Emma! OH MANS! She was my sober pal. I really miss that.
Steven has been out of the house for the last two nights, tonight is the third night he has been gone and we have no clue where he is. I kind of wonder at what point we should put up posters or whatever. BUT he is leaving on Thursday for good, and we are renting that suite out for September 1st. So it's been almost like he is already gone, nice and relaxed and happy. Even Little Mister has calmed down. He hated Steven. Still, where the hell is Steven? Oh well.
What else? Oh hell, I don't know! My piercing is healing well, crusty but good. I did weight lifting with Laurel this past week and my body ACHED! But it was good, and I think I am gonna do it again. She left the next day for Manitoba, so I was without my workout pal. But she comes home on Monday and then I think we are back to the gym! I really do want those toned arms. I guess I could lose ten pounds. My weight had been going down for a while and then I quit the gym and started baking pies and I gained a bunch of weight. It's awkward, because I am fat positive. But also, I don't like always having to buy new clothes. So there's that.
I do miss her, the Ex. I mean, even just as a friend that I could hang out with, I miss her that way. But somehow I kind of think I would always lean towards romantic feelings towards her. She did get my virginity, that's kind of a big deal. They say you always love your first love. Too bad I wasn't her first love too, then she would always love me instead of never loving me.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Nothing to worry about
So I am just going to for now ignore most of what happened yesterday which was messy and ugly, and try to explain what happened without pissing off my mom again. ANYWAY, she told me I was evicted, we had a big row, it was awful, I cried myself to sleep and spent five hours looking for jobs and places to live, and then this morning she apologized for swearing at me BUT not for the fight, but she explained it was the other roommate that was really stressing her out and she said I could stay if I wanted to.
So I felt a bit better, then she read the blog I had written and got mad again, and then I erased it to salvage our relationship, and then she just muttered that I was a minor jerk when we went to see Grandma and Grandpa. And I did the dishes I was supposed to finish and cleaned the bathroom and got rid of the smell in my room and we went out to the movies and for dinner and things seem to be much better.
I did get a response about a place to live, but she hasn't sent me any pictures like she said she would so I am not sure if it is still a possibility or not. For now I am just leaving it. I have given up looking for a place to live and I am going to focus on waiting out these last ten days with the bad roommate and hope that our lives improve when he is gone.
So that's that.
Tomorrow I am beginning my fitness routine again. I had been thinking about it for a while, and I read that the first two weeks after getting an Industrial you SHOULDN'T work out, so today was two weeks since it has been pierced. So I'm ready tomorrow. I found my lock for the lockers and I have gym shoes and a headband for head sweat. I don't have a gym bag. I might appropriate one of mom's. I am going to do something different this time, I am going to do some strength training. I want muscly arms. The kinds that fill out a t shirt nicely. I read this total butch porn about the glory of white t shirts today, they were talking about men wearing them but butch women look pretty awesome in them too. I think they just accentuate masculinity in this nice working class way. Anyway, I need some popeye arms that make women shiver when they imagine getting fisted by me! LOL! That's kind of overkill actually. Even Madonna arms are overkill. I just want a little definition and the ability to carry sleepy tired puppies for a couple of blocks if need be.
We took Dora, the new corgi, to the Vet last week and I had to carry her part of the way back because she got tired and just wanted to lay down. I guess the shots she got were supposed to make her tired. But I had a hard time carrying her two blocks. 4.5 kg isn't a lot, but my arms were weak.
My ear feels weird. Like crusty. Which is normal. It's got lymph on it because it's healing. And will be for the next six months to a year. I'm excited for when it is done healing. This time I think it will work, it's been remarkably good since I got it and not very painful at all, not compared to what I remember anyway. I might even get more cartilage piercings in the other ear next year. Different ones, but in the upper ear too. We will see.
Okay, I have to get up at 10 tomorrow morning for this exercise, so I should go. I just wanted to update y'all on the situation. Nothing to worry about here.
So I felt a bit better, then she read the blog I had written and got mad again, and then I erased it to salvage our relationship, and then she just muttered that I was a minor jerk when we went to see Grandma and Grandpa. And I did the dishes I was supposed to finish and cleaned the bathroom and got rid of the smell in my room and we went out to the movies and for dinner and things seem to be much better.
I did get a response about a place to live, but she hasn't sent me any pictures like she said she would so I am not sure if it is still a possibility or not. For now I am just leaving it. I have given up looking for a place to live and I am going to focus on waiting out these last ten days with the bad roommate and hope that our lives improve when he is gone.
So that's that.
Tomorrow I am beginning my fitness routine again. I had been thinking about it for a while, and I read that the first two weeks after getting an Industrial you SHOULDN'T work out, so today was two weeks since it has been pierced. So I'm ready tomorrow. I found my lock for the lockers and I have gym shoes and a headband for head sweat. I don't have a gym bag. I might appropriate one of mom's. I am going to do something different this time, I am going to do some strength training. I want muscly arms. The kinds that fill out a t shirt nicely. I read this total butch porn about the glory of white t shirts today, they were talking about men wearing them but butch women look pretty awesome in them too. I think they just accentuate masculinity in this nice working class way. Anyway, I need some popeye arms that make women shiver when they imagine getting fisted by me! LOL! That's kind of overkill actually. Even Madonna arms are overkill. I just want a little definition and the ability to carry sleepy tired puppies for a couple of blocks if need be.
We took Dora, the new corgi, to the Vet last week and I had to carry her part of the way back because she got tired and just wanted to lay down. I guess the shots she got were supposed to make her tired. But I had a hard time carrying her two blocks. 4.5 kg isn't a lot, but my arms were weak.
My ear feels weird. Like crusty. Which is normal. It's got lymph on it because it's healing. And will be for the next six months to a year. I'm excited for when it is done healing. This time I think it will work, it's been remarkably good since I got it and not very painful at all, not compared to what I remember anyway. I might even get more cartilage piercings in the other ear next year. Different ones, but in the upper ear too. We will see.
Okay, I have to get up at 10 tomorrow morning for this exercise, so I should go. I just wanted to update y'all on the situation. Nothing to worry about here.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sausages are the downfall of me
So I wrote this long thing about a fight I had yesterday with my Mom and then she got upset about it so I have deleted it. But I still feel like I should explain what happened, so I am going to try and think of a way to describe current events without talking about my mom. Anyway, maybe I will just say she evicted me and then changed her mind. And I might have a new place to live but I also might stay. So that is going on.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Trying to grow as a person
My ear is healing well, it's not as sore as I thought it would be this first week. It's got little crusties but that's all.
I've had a good week. I am looking for part time work. I'm not applying for very fancy jobs, I just basically want something that will give me an extra four or five hundred a month. So far I've applied to a movie theatre, SaskPower, and the Police Service. No calls yet. I'm either under or over qualified probably.
I did tarot and rune readings asking about my love life. For the present I got ten of cups which is like, happy home and love and stuff, and I DON'T have that for my present situation. So it's kind of curious. And then for the rune reading I got this one that was about life partners and a thing called The Fetch that is like this force that will bring my love into my life. I'm not sure. I still feel dubious. I think if I lived somewhere else I might find someone, but in this dumb city I can't imagine finding someone.
And yet the weird thing is I have a feeling I'm going to be with someone I have already met. I don't know who though.
+++++++++++++++++++
This is one of those entries where I write then come back a few days later.
Anyway, I've been sending messages on dating websites. I wasn't getting replies from a couple ladies, but this one woman has replied to my message and we seem to have things in common AND she is super cute. We might hang out this week! :) It would be nice to go for a hang out. I'm not sure if it is a date or just a friendly meet up, I guess I will find out. But she is SUPER cute! She reminds me of a couple ladies I have fond memories of. So there's that. She's also younger than me. Old enough to be mature (I hope!), but still not 35 or even 30!
I still haven't heard back from any potential employers.
I DID hear back from someone about a new place to live. I'm really torn, I decided to stay here, but it is a super good deal. Geez. I think I'll decline, but it sucks. I was ready to leave when Steven was still gonna live here, but now he's being evicted, and I know my Mom needs the money, so I feel like I should stay. Still, it was pet friendly and LGBT friendly, two super crucial things! Damn. And my rent would have stayed the same, with utilities, netflix, and wifi included.
Ha ha, I just realized this whole entry so far is about potential girlfriends/friends, work, and homes! It's kind of funny.
I'm tired. I got some new music from iTunes but it's not enough. I think I need to buy a whole album instead of singles.
I'm still trying to think of how to improve my life. Last year was all about getting sober, and this year I have to keep pushing forward. I don't want to get stuck in just thinking it's enough to be sober. But I'm also not really a twelve stepper. I have to think of some other way to grow.
Getting all my piercings back, my lobes, industrial, and hood, was kind of a treat for me because I missed those for a long time. I feel a little bit more myself now. I am also wanting a tattoo, but that's a ways off still. And anyway, those are a little more superficial and not dealing with how I really want my life to change.
I think if I want to continue to grow I have to figure out what kind of a person I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, and make a list of steps to take to get there. What do I want? I want a girlfriend, I really want a wife, but I think I should start with a girlfriend. I want my own place to live, maybe with roommates, or with my girlfriend, but somewhere I can have my dog. I want a car. I want a part time job, not a full time job and not a job that's like 35 hours a week so it's practically full time, UNLESS the full time job is something creative like writing scripts or making films or something in my line of arty stuff. I think I would be able to do full time if it was something where my talents were actually being utilized and I was realizing my own personal visions. I want to travel more. I want to make enough money that I am comfortable. I don't care if I am rich, but if I had enough that I could do things I wanted like travel and buy a house or condo and own a car and pay for Little Mister's geriatric dog needs, that would be good.
So I guess I should continue making shorts and trying to get money to make more industry kind of things and doing whatever labs or workshops in directing or something. I should keep trying to meet new women until the magical mutual spark thing happens. I should eventually move out, when I have some more long term income coming in that will let me live on my own. I should keep trying to get residencies abroad.
But is this what it means to grow as a person? I guess my life trajectory is different than other women's. Like, I am never having children, so I won't have to worry about certain things parents have to worry about. And I don't see myself working a day job forever. I dunno.
I'm super tired, I should go sleep.
I've had a good week. I am looking for part time work. I'm not applying for very fancy jobs, I just basically want something that will give me an extra four or five hundred a month. So far I've applied to a movie theatre, SaskPower, and the Police Service. No calls yet. I'm either under or over qualified probably.
I did tarot and rune readings asking about my love life. For the present I got ten of cups which is like, happy home and love and stuff, and I DON'T have that for my present situation. So it's kind of curious. And then for the rune reading I got this one that was about life partners and a thing called The Fetch that is like this force that will bring my love into my life. I'm not sure. I still feel dubious. I think if I lived somewhere else I might find someone, but in this dumb city I can't imagine finding someone.
And yet the weird thing is I have a feeling I'm going to be with someone I have already met. I don't know who though.
+++++++++++++++++++
This is one of those entries where I write then come back a few days later.
Anyway, I've been sending messages on dating websites. I wasn't getting replies from a couple ladies, but this one woman has replied to my message and we seem to have things in common AND she is super cute. We might hang out this week! :) It would be nice to go for a hang out. I'm not sure if it is a date or just a friendly meet up, I guess I will find out. But she is SUPER cute! She reminds me of a couple ladies I have fond memories of. So there's that. She's also younger than me. Old enough to be mature (I hope!), but still not 35 or even 30!
I still haven't heard back from any potential employers.
I DID hear back from someone about a new place to live. I'm really torn, I decided to stay here, but it is a super good deal. Geez. I think I'll decline, but it sucks. I was ready to leave when Steven was still gonna live here, but now he's being evicted, and I know my Mom needs the money, so I feel like I should stay. Still, it was pet friendly and LGBT friendly, two super crucial things! Damn. And my rent would have stayed the same, with utilities, netflix, and wifi included.
Ha ha, I just realized this whole entry so far is about potential girlfriends/friends, work, and homes! It's kind of funny.
I'm tired. I got some new music from iTunes but it's not enough. I think I need to buy a whole album instead of singles.
I'm still trying to think of how to improve my life. Last year was all about getting sober, and this year I have to keep pushing forward. I don't want to get stuck in just thinking it's enough to be sober. But I'm also not really a twelve stepper. I have to think of some other way to grow.
Getting all my piercings back, my lobes, industrial, and hood, was kind of a treat for me because I missed those for a long time. I feel a little bit more myself now. I am also wanting a tattoo, but that's a ways off still. And anyway, those are a little more superficial and not dealing with how I really want my life to change.
I think if I want to continue to grow I have to figure out what kind of a person I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, and make a list of steps to take to get there. What do I want? I want a girlfriend, I really want a wife, but I think I should start with a girlfriend. I want my own place to live, maybe with roommates, or with my girlfriend, but somewhere I can have my dog. I want a car. I want a part time job, not a full time job and not a job that's like 35 hours a week so it's practically full time, UNLESS the full time job is something creative like writing scripts or making films or something in my line of arty stuff. I think I would be able to do full time if it was something where my talents were actually being utilized and I was realizing my own personal visions. I want to travel more. I want to make enough money that I am comfortable. I don't care if I am rich, but if I had enough that I could do things I wanted like travel and buy a house or condo and own a car and pay for Little Mister's geriatric dog needs, that would be good.
So I guess I should continue making shorts and trying to get money to make more industry kind of things and doing whatever labs or workshops in directing or something. I should keep trying to meet new women until the magical mutual spark thing happens. I should eventually move out, when I have some more long term income coming in that will let me live on my own. I should keep trying to get residencies abroad.
But is this what it means to grow as a person? I guess my life trajectory is different than other women's. Like, I am never having children, so I won't have to worry about certain things parents have to worry about. And I don't see myself working a day job forever. I dunno.
I'm super tired, I should go sleep.
Monday, July 08, 2013
Industrial Number 2!
I wish I could say I actually HAVE two Industrials, but to me one is enough, and also Industrial Number 1 fell out a few years back and I was too lazy to put it back in right away (I needed to get another spikey end I think too because I lost it!) and then by the time I tried it had grown in.
Anyway, there were issues with the first Industrial piercing I had, like that it never really healed and also that it got a bump. The bump went away when I took out the piercing, so my ear looks normal. But I now realize there was something wrong with that piercing and I guess I should have gone back to the shop to get advice or different jewelry.
ANYWAY, I have been wanting another Industrial for ages. I really wanted one the last few weeks. I had promised myself I would get it done and then I had the money and I just started putting it off because truthfully, the last time I got an Industrial it hurt like a muthafucker and kept hurting for hours, it hurt so much I thought I was gonna faint. And at the time I was a pothead so I was trying to use weed as a painkiller, bad idea! Weed really isn't very effective for that type of pain. It just makes things slow down and still hurt.
So today we were supposed to go to Manitou for the pool and bobbing around in salty salty healing waters, but instead Mum didn't feel like going and said "You may as well get your ear done" because I had been talking about it for ages. So we went and did a few errands and then we went to Tantrix to get my ear pierced.
I was so nervous. We went up 108th Street and Tantrix is basically at the end of that on Central Ave, so I could see it from a distance and my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty. On the way in we saw a woman dressed as the girl from Brave (never saw it so I don't remember her name) and a couple other Disney Princesses going into the children's store next door. I don't really have a reason for mentioning that other than finding it unusual.
So I go up to the counter of Tantrix and the woman working there has me fill out a consent form and a little questionnaire about if I am of sound mind and do I have HIV and stuff. And then we go into this room.
And she gets the right sized bar and all her stuff lined up and then it's time to do the piercing and she puts it through on the count of four and it stings and it has a burn to it that builds up after. But then I hear what I did not want to hear. "That is a bit shallow. You're going to hate me, but we have to do this again." OMG! NOOOOOOO! So she lets my ear cool down and then she pierces the bottom part again, and it stings a little more and I can feel blood running down my ear and then she says it's STILL not quite right and she wants to do the top to make sure she's got the right angle. So she does the top, which was probably the WORST piercing of them all, and then a bit more of a sting as she gets the bar through it. Then there is some wiggling and the bar comes out the bottom one and she repierces the bottom for the LAST time and it is finally just right. And then some stingy again when she gets the jewelry through and then she screws on the balls and presses a lot of pieces of paper towel to my ear to stop all the bleeding from my poor little ear.
What surprised me though is that even though I basically got four cartilage piercings in the space of half an hour, it didn't hurt nearly as much as I remember from the first time. Also I took heavy duty Ibuprophen in the car on the way to the shop, which could have made a difference too.
She packs a little bit of paper towel under the bar against where those two empty pierced holes are seeping blood and then I pay and am on my way. I'm achey, but surprisingly as the hours tick by my ear gets better and better, it's not an unbearable pain like I remember from the first Industrial. And my ear gets less and less red a lot faster than the first time too.
So I think my first Industrial was pierced at a slightly wrong angle and that it put pressure on my ear that caused the bump and also made it not heal. Because even though it sucked today getting pierced four times, the aftermath is a lot easier to deal with than what I remembered. And hopefully this heals well and I don't get any weird bumps or anything.
She told me they recommend using unscented soap to clean piercings, and nothing else. No saline, no salt water soaks. Just Dove once a day when I shower. So that seems easy enough. Also I can't sleep on it the first while, which will be hard but not impossible. I've read some people say they use travel pillows to sleep on, I am going to go buy one tomorrow. I've only slightly bumped it a couple of times now, actually I didn't even catch it when I took my shirt off, which is good. It's got a little dried blood on it right now, but that's okay. She had to use their super stainy marker on me to mark the placement, so I still have a little purple line on my ear. But hopefully it gets washed off tomorrow morning.
So yay! :D The only thing that would make it perfect is if it had spikey ends! I am gonna wait a while and then go to another store and see if they have any. The round balls are probably good for the initial healing though!
Anyway, there were issues with the first Industrial piercing I had, like that it never really healed and also that it got a bump. The bump went away when I took out the piercing, so my ear looks normal. But I now realize there was something wrong with that piercing and I guess I should have gone back to the shop to get advice or different jewelry.
ANYWAY, I have been wanting another Industrial for ages. I really wanted one the last few weeks. I had promised myself I would get it done and then I had the money and I just started putting it off because truthfully, the last time I got an Industrial it hurt like a muthafucker and kept hurting for hours, it hurt so much I thought I was gonna faint. And at the time I was a pothead so I was trying to use weed as a painkiller, bad idea! Weed really isn't very effective for that type of pain. It just makes things slow down and still hurt.
So today we were supposed to go to Manitou for the pool and bobbing around in salty salty healing waters, but instead Mum didn't feel like going and said "You may as well get your ear done" because I had been talking about it for ages. So we went and did a few errands and then we went to Tantrix to get my ear pierced.
I was so nervous. We went up 108th Street and Tantrix is basically at the end of that on Central Ave, so I could see it from a distance and my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty. On the way in we saw a woman dressed as the girl from Brave (never saw it so I don't remember her name) and a couple other Disney Princesses going into the children's store next door. I don't really have a reason for mentioning that other than finding it unusual.
So I go up to the counter of Tantrix and the woman working there has me fill out a consent form and a little questionnaire about if I am of sound mind and do I have HIV and stuff. And then we go into this room.
And she gets the right sized bar and all her stuff lined up and then it's time to do the piercing and she puts it through on the count of four and it stings and it has a burn to it that builds up after. But then I hear what I did not want to hear. "That is a bit shallow. You're going to hate me, but we have to do this again." OMG! NOOOOOOO! So she lets my ear cool down and then she pierces the bottom part again, and it stings a little more and I can feel blood running down my ear and then she says it's STILL not quite right and she wants to do the top to make sure she's got the right angle. So she does the top, which was probably the WORST piercing of them all, and then a bit more of a sting as she gets the bar through it. Then there is some wiggling and the bar comes out the bottom one and she repierces the bottom for the LAST time and it is finally just right. And then some stingy again when she gets the jewelry through and then she screws on the balls and presses a lot of pieces of paper towel to my ear to stop all the bleeding from my poor little ear.
What surprised me though is that even though I basically got four cartilage piercings in the space of half an hour, it didn't hurt nearly as much as I remember from the first time. Also I took heavy duty Ibuprophen in the car on the way to the shop, which could have made a difference too.
She packs a little bit of paper towel under the bar against where those two empty pierced holes are seeping blood and then I pay and am on my way. I'm achey, but surprisingly as the hours tick by my ear gets better and better, it's not an unbearable pain like I remember from the first Industrial. And my ear gets less and less red a lot faster than the first time too.
So I think my first Industrial was pierced at a slightly wrong angle and that it put pressure on my ear that caused the bump and also made it not heal. Because even though it sucked today getting pierced four times, the aftermath is a lot easier to deal with than what I remembered. And hopefully this heals well and I don't get any weird bumps or anything.
She told me they recommend using unscented soap to clean piercings, and nothing else. No saline, no salt water soaks. Just Dove once a day when I shower. So that seems easy enough. Also I can't sleep on it the first while, which will be hard but not impossible. I've read some people say they use travel pillows to sleep on, I am going to go buy one tomorrow. I've only slightly bumped it a couple of times now, actually I didn't even catch it when I took my shirt off, which is good. It's got a little dried blood on it right now, but that's okay. She had to use their super stainy marker on me to mark the placement, so I still have a little purple line on my ear. But hopefully it gets washed off tomorrow morning.
So yay! :D The only thing that would make it perfect is if it had spikey ends! I am gonna wait a while and then go to another store and see if they have any. The round balls are probably good for the initial healing though!
Monday, July 01, 2013
I did it!
I did it! I finished all five scheduled shifts! I even got my cashout PERFECT today! I didn't end up with even a dollar more or less than what was recorded on the till tape! I'm so glad it is over and I have my freedom again! But I am also glad that I gave myself a little work challenge and I did it and I didn't drop any shifts or get sick or anything! I stuck to what I had scheduled and I did my job as well as I could considering it was the first time I had ever used a register or been a cashier! I did have cash handling experience from other jobs, but those were really laid back kinds of experiences, not a constant flow of people making transactions. And I even used a debit machine!
I'm exhausted. I'm relieved it's done. Tomorrow I am going to do something fun like bake muffins or something. I get paid this week and then I have to carefully decide how I am going to use it. I think I will get my Industrial, because I really really want it. It will hurt and make me unhappy but it will also look so sexy that it will be worth it.
I can hear Hermione having breathing troubles. The dogs do this thing where they have like, an asthma attack. Hermione usually gets one at the beginning of her walk, because she is so excited. It's weird.
What else? I'm tired. I should probably just go to sleep. Dora the corgi has settled down for the night and isn't chewing on me with her needle puppy teeth. Yay! She attacks me every night at bedtime. Mom asked how I put her to bed, it's really just being patient and exhausting her until she turns into a cutie again and sleeps. Aw! She's adorable.
Ok! Good night!
I'm exhausted. I'm relieved it's done. Tomorrow I am going to do something fun like bake muffins or something. I get paid this week and then I have to carefully decide how I am going to use it. I think I will get my Industrial, because I really really want it. It will hurt and make me unhappy but it will also look so sexy that it will be worth it.
I can hear Hermione having breathing troubles. The dogs do this thing where they have like, an asthma attack. Hermione usually gets one at the beginning of her walk, because she is so excited. It's weird.
What else? I'm tired. I should probably just go to sleep. Dora the corgi has settled down for the night and isn't chewing on me with her needle puppy teeth. Yay! She attacks me every night at bedtime. Mom asked how I put her to bed, it's really just being patient and exhausting her until she turns into a cutie again and sleeps. Aw! She's adorable.
Ok! Good night!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Work and an update on the piercing (spoiler: It is awesome!)
So I went in the hot tub tonight. I'm a week shy of a full month with my piercing though, hope nothing funky happens.
I have my second last shift tomorrow at the Jazzfest, and then my very last one on Sunday. So I'm looking forward to it. I am gonna miss my sister's birthday, but that is okay. She will have Mom to spend time with.
I guess I should give an update on the piercing anyway, since my cousin inquired about it's healing and since I did have a reason for getting it. I got my hood pierced because in the past when I have had it pierced it made me more sensitive to stimuli. And anyway, I have had a hard time reaching orgasm for the past year and it's been pissing me off. So I have been getting off recently and I must say it is working excellently! I am having better and easier orgasms and actually getting over the edge again and it's really sweet. I'm looking forward to having sex with a partner again someday.
This is the first summer in a few years that I haven't gone to Berlin. I sort of miss it. I really do love Berlin. Tonight we were talking about our ongoing dream of winning the lottery, and I said if I did win I would go to Australia and New Zealand this winter. It would be sweet. I should get out of just going to Europe, there are other places to go.
I did some research (I emailed a couple of people) and found out I can rent the event space with the green screen and some lights for a day from PAVED Arts for sixty bucks! I also found a friend who can operate the camera for dinner and a couple of drinks! :) So I roughly estimate it being about 85 bucks in total to make my next video. Thank god I have an editing program and camera! And tripod. And microphone! I guess I will also need a mic stand, that won't be much money.
Thank goodness for artist run production centres!
I'm still feeling hopelessly single, but I am distracting myself and that has been really good. Working this week helped a lot, it got me out of my head and put me in a different mindset. I have to do a lot of addition and subtraction in my head as a cashier, so that's been good too. It's pretty basic, everything comes out to an even number except for the odd elevens. I've been pretty accurate on cashout too, except once.
Anyway, I have done three shifts and have two left, and the woman who hired me thanked me for being a solid worker in my shifts and not getting sick or dropping shifts or whatever. That was nice, especially since when I was addicted and using way back when I was a shitty worker because I would rather get drunk/high than work, and it made for a lot of absenteeism unfortunately. No more! I would have to be pretty sick to not work now, especially since this is only five shifts and then it's over. Making money is pretty important to me.
There is a job I am thinking of applying for, it's in theatre and I would be mentored in directing. I'm really considering it. It's for nearly the length of a school year too, and it would be nice to get some experience working with actors. Anyway, yeah, the application isn't due until August 2nd so I have some time to think and get my shit together. It would start in September.
I have been really wanting to get into doing some television writing. I went to McNally Robinson today and looked in the screenwriting section, I was hoping to find a nice thick bible of rules for writing in a television format. Like "after four pages leave a moment for the commercials" or something. But I couldn't find anything. In fact, the screenwriting section was so small, not even a whole shelf. I want to write a couple of television series pilots and see if I can get them produced. I have a couple of people in mind to approach to talk about being my producer, maybe next month I will set up some coffee dates to pitch my ideas to them and see if they have any ideas of what I could do or if they know someone else who could help me. I used to be really snotty and all "I'm only gonna make feature films and television is garbage!" but I have realized that isn't true and that in fact there is a whole different way of telling a story in television that might be more advantageous for at least a couple of my plot ideas.
So I'm going to try and get some money to write a couple of pilots and also apply for grants to make my more arty stuff and possibly also be mentored in directing so that I can direct a few of the episodes of my hit series! And also go write and direct some features.
I think I will be busy when I am in my forties and fifties. I don't know if I will make any tv or features in my thirties. But who knows?
What else? I think that is all for now.
I have my second last shift tomorrow at the Jazzfest, and then my very last one on Sunday. So I'm looking forward to it. I am gonna miss my sister's birthday, but that is okay. She will have Mom to spend time with.
I guess I should give an update on the piercing anyway, since my cousin inquired about it's healing and since I did have a reason for getting it. I got my hood pierced because in the past when I have had it pierced it made me more sensitive to stimuli. And anyway, I have had a hard time reaching orgasm for the past year and it's been pissing me off. So I have been getting off recently and I must say it is working excellently! I am having better and easier orgasms and actually getting over the edge again and it's really sweet. I'm looking forward to having sex with a partner again someday.
This is the first summer in a few years that I haven't gone to Berlin. I sort of miss it. I really do love Berlin. Tonight we were talking about our ongoing dream of winning the lottery, and I said if I did win I would go to Australia and New Zealand this winter. It would be sweet. I should get out of just going to Europe, there are other places to go.
I did some research (I emailed a couple of people) and found out I can rent the event space with the green screen and some lights for a day from PAVED Arts for sixty bucks! I also found a friend who can operate the camera for dinner and a couple of drinks! :) So I roughly estimate it being about 85 bucks in total to make my next video. Thank god I have an editing program and camera! And tripod. And microphone! I guess I will also need a mic stand, that won't be much money.
Thank goodness for artist run production centres!
I'm still feeling hopelessly single, but I am distracting myself and that has been really good. Working this week helped a lot, it got me out of my head and put me in a different mindset. I have to do a lot of addition and subtraction in my head as a cashier, so that's been good too. It's pretty basic, everything comes out to an even number except for the odd elevens. I've been pretty accurate on cashout too, except once.
Anyway, I have done three shifts and have two left, and the woman who hired me thanked me for being a solid worker in my shifts and not getting sick or dropping shifts or whatever. That was nice, especially since when I was addicted and using way back when I was a shitty worker because I would rather get drunk/high than work, and it made for a lot of absenteeism unfortunately. No more! I would have to be pretty sick to not work now, especially since this is only five shifts and then it's over. Making money is pretty important to me.
There is a job I am thinking of applying for, it's in theatre and I would be mentored in directing. I'm really considering it. It's for nearly the length of a school year too, and it would be nice to get some experience working with actors. Anyway, yeah, the application isn't due until August 2nd so I have some time to think and get my shit together. It would start in September.
I have been really wanting to get into doing some television writing. I went to McNally Robinson today and looked in the screenwriting section, I was hoping to find a nice thick bible of rules for writing in a television format. Like "after four pages leave a moment for the commercials" or something. But I couldn't find anything. In fact, the screenwriting section was so small, not even a whole shelf. I want to write a couple of television series pilots and see if I can get them produced. I have a couple of people in mind to approach to talk about being my producer, maybe next month I will set up some coffee dates to pitch my ideas to them and see if they have any ideas of what I could do or if they know someone else who could help me. I used to be really snotty and all "I'm only gonna make feature films and television is garbage!" but I have realized that isn't true and that in fact there is a whole different way of telling a story in television that might be more advantageous for at least a couple of my plot ideas.
So I'm going to try and get some money to write a couple of pilots and also apply for grants to make my more arty stuff and possibly also be mentored in directing so that I can direct a few of the episodes of my hit series! And also go write and direct some features.
I think I will be busy when I am in my forties and fifties. I don't know if I will make any tv or features in my thirties. But who knows?
What else? I think that is all for now.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Someday that dog's not gonna fit under the couch anymore
Dora's going under and out of the couch over and over. She has to squish herself down really low to do it. She doesn't have much longer that she will be able to squeeze under.
I am doing good, generally. I am looking around on POF again, which seems to have more promise than OKC. I am supposed to go on a walk with our dogs with this girl from POF. I have to figure out when I will be free. I might have to tell her to wait until next week.
I have been hanging out with Mum a bunch. I also did two shifts at the Jazzfest and it was awesome and also exhausting and I was offered another shift yesterday but I realized I can't work a whole bunch of days in a row without burning out, so I declined. Too bad, it's more money. Hmmm.
I bought myself some new sheets today. They are 450 thread count! :D They're a light colour, I'm taking a big risk because I am a heavy bleeder during my periods because of fibroids. I'm gonna switch to my black sheets when it's that time though. We will see! I'm also planning on buying a new Duvet cover. There are Pantone Duvet covers at Home Outfitters and I really really want one.
I am helping an old friend move classrooms on Friday, she is transferring from one school to another and she's renting a truck and everything. I asked for a banana split as payment, and ever since then every time I ask Mum for a banana split she tells me I have to wait until Friday, even if I use my own money! :O
I slept super late today, I was just exhausted! I finally woke up around 1. That's LATE! Oh well. Mom was telling me I have to get up early and reset my internal clock by seeing the light. That's probably true. I'm just lucky my meds let me get some sleep, some people with mental illnesses have the worst time sleeping. I used to have bad sleep habits before I got properly medicated, I would sleep all day and be awake all night. It was gross. You miss so much because there's nothing to do between 12am and 10am, really.
Little Mister is spry as ever. The other day he and Hermione were playing like silly puppies, they were super cute!
What else? Ah I am tired of feeling like a loser. There's someone in my family who thinks people who don't have permanent full time jobs are lazy and losers and she resents them because she works SO HARD (even though she keeps getting fired for calling in "sick" to work when she is hungover because she has addiction issues) and it just pisses me off. And now that I am working five shifts she is surprised because she wrote me off like her sister as a lazy sod. ARG! FUCK YOU! I hate that shit. I don't know why people think having a full time permanent job is the be all and end all of life. There are other ways of living and getting by. I don't want to look back on my life and be like "Yeah, I did call centre work for twenty five years and here is my retirement package and I missed out on having an art career but at least I went to work every monday morning." Fuck that! I would rather look back on my life and see all the things I made that influenced people and the world. Not fucking calling people for their dumb opinions on a toilet cleaner!
Some people are just shitheads. If you want to waste your life working for the man be my guest! I'd rather figure out a way to survive AND make important art AND travel to places for arty reasons, meeting interesting people and sometimes getting laid overseas. I dunno, that is just me. I just think people do things for ALL SORTS of reasons and I'm kind of sick of this one relative's attitude and also how she invited me out then expects me to pay for her. It's an ongoing issue.
People who don't respect that people with serious disabilities have limitations and are working within them make me sick. I want to puke all over their judgemental little faces and shit on their beds. But that's just me. Seriously though, I've been running into people who bitch about me not working a full time job and they have no idea of ANYTHING about my life and why that would be the way it is. Also being a full time artist is a lot of work, and it's an often thankless job that doesn't pay much. I maybe make 3000 off my art in a good year. So of course I need to rely on disability, and thank god it's there! Anyway, I am tired of justifying my existence in this blog entry so I am gonna hit publish and go to bed, and masturbate!
Aw shit, that reminds me my vibrator ran out of electricity and I have to recharge it. Crappy!
I am doing good, generally. I am looking around on POF again, which seems to have more promise than OKC. I am supposed to go on a walk with our dogs with this girl from POF. I have to figure out when I will be free. I might have to tell her to wait until next week.
I have been hanging out with Mum a bunch. I also did two shifts at the Jazzfest and it was awesome and also exhausting and I was offered another shift yesterday but I realized I can't work a whole bunch of days in a row without burning out, so I declined. Too bad, it's more money. Hmmm.
I bought myself some new sheets today. They are 450 thread count! :D They're a light colour, I'm taking a big risk because I am a heavy bleeder during my periods because of fibroids. I'm gonna switch to my black sheets when it's that time though. We will see! I'm also planning on buying a new Duvet cover. There are Pantone Duvet covers at Home Outfitters and I really really want one.
I am helping an old friend move classrooms on Friday, she is transferring from one school to another and she's renting a truck and everything. I asked for a banana split as payment, and ever since then every time I ask Mum for a banana split she tells me I have to wait until Friday, even if I use my own money! :O
I slept super late today, I was just exhausted! I finally woke up around 1. That's LATE! Oh well. Mom was telling me I have to get up early and reset my internal clock by seeing the light. That's probably true. I'm just lucky my meds let me get some sleep, some people with mental illnesses have the worst time sleeping. I used to have bad sleep habits before I got properly medicated, I would sleep all day and be awake all night. It was gross. You miss so much because there's nothing to do between 12am and 10am, really.
Little Mister is spry as ever. The other day he and Hermione were playing like silly puppies, they were super cute!
What else? Ah I am tired of feeling like a loser. There's someone in my family who thinks people who don't have permanent full time jobs are lazy and losers and she resents them because she works SO HARD (even though she keeps getting fired for calling in "sick" to work when she is hungover because she has addiction issues) and it just pisses me off. And now that I am working five shifts she is surprised because she wrote me off like her sister as a lazy sod. ARG! FUCK YOU! I hate that shit. I don't know why people think having a full time permanent job is the be all and end all of life. There are other ways of living and getting by. I don't want to look back on my life and be like "Yeah, I did call centre work for twenty five years and here is my retirement package and I missed out on having an art career but at least I went to work every monday morning." Fuck that! I would rather look back on my life and see all the things I made that influenced people and the world. Not fucking calling people for their dumb opinions on a toilet cleaner!
Some people are just shitheads. If you want to waste your life working for the man be my guest! I'd rather figure out a way to survive AND make important art AND travel to places for arty reasons, meeting interesting people and sometimes getting laid overseas. I dunno, that is just me. I just think people do things for ALL SORTS of reasons and I'm kind of sick of this one relative's attitude and also how she invited me out then expects me to pay for her. It's an ongoing issue.
People who don't respect that people with serious disabilities have limitations and are working within them make me sick. I want to puke all over their judgemental little faces and shit on their beds. But that's just me. Seriously though, I've been running into people who bitch about me not working a full time job and they have no idea of ANYTHING about my life and why that would be the way it is. Also being a full time artist is a lot of work, and it's an often thankless job that doesn't pay much. I maybe make 3000 off my art in a good year. So of course I need to rely on disability, and thank god it's there! Anyway, I am tired of justifying my existence in this blog entry so I am gonna hit publish and go to bed, and masturbate!
Aw shit, that reminds me my vibrator ran out of electricity and I have to recharge it. Crappy!
Friday, June 21, 2013
Mammary Lane
So I missed the bipolar group last night because I didn't feel like going when it was time. I went with my friend Amy Jo to Michaels and then to Chilis for nachos and an apple tart and I was SO FULL I felt like I was gonna explode when we went to Walmart looking for a staple gun and balloons. And after all that I just hopped on the bus home.
Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on! We have to nip it in the bud! I don't know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are! They have such bad boundaries! And I don't know how to discipline her in a loving way. She has no clue what NO means! Arg! I gotta read, and fast!
She's sleeping right now. She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though.
My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day. It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said "Black." And I was like "Well duh! I don't know why I even asked!" But seriously, whatever, it's none of my business. She recently told me she would NEVER love me.
Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me. I guess feelings change. But still, it smarts! Oh lordy does it ever smart!
What a waste of time. I hate unrequited shit. It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it. Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven't been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob. And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me? I am super loveable like peach pie! But some people hate peach pie. So it really doesn't matter.
And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! And sometimes I behave badly and I don't even realize it until it is way too late. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend! I guess it's complicated. I've been single for a super long time. Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon. There's one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name. And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now. And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now. She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn't even living here when we were goofing around. I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates. She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard! Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated.
Anyway, I don't know where Annie is.
When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit. Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while. But maybe that's just that thing about wanting the familiar.
The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also. I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober? It seems dubious. I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe. And it's kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move? I don't really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?
Okay, enough with mammary lane.
I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep. I have to stand in line and get my treaty money. I have to go to group. And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier. We shall see!
I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way? It seems dubious sometimes. Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don't know if I believe it.
Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on! We have to nip it in the bud! I don't know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are! They have such bad boundaries! And I don't know how to discipline her in a loving way. She has no clue what NO means! Arg! I gotta read, and fast!
She's sleeping right now. She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though.
My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day. It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said "Black." And I was like "Well duh! I don't know why I even asked!" But seriously, whatever, it's none of my business. She recently told me she would NEVER love me.
Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me. I guess feelings change. But still, it smarts! Oh lordy does it ever smart!
What a waste of time. I hate unrequited shit. It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it. Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven't been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob. And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me? I am super loveable like peach pie! But some people hate peach pie. So it really doesn't matter.
And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! And sometimes I behave badly and I don't even realize it until it is way too late. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend! I guess it's complicated. I've been single for a super long time. Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon. There's one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name. And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now. And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now. She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn't even living here when we were goofing around. I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates. She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard! Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated.
Anyway, I don't know where Annie is.
When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit. Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while. But maybe that's just that thing about wanting the familiar.
The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also. I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober? It seems dubious. I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe. And it's kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move? I don't really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?
Okay, enough with mammary lane.
I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep. I have to stand in line and get my treaty money. I have to go to group. And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier. We shall see!
I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way? It seems dubious sometimes. Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don't know if I believe it.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Reject Bin Thoughts
I got captive bead rings back in my earlobes and it makes me happy! I was worried those holes would be totally closed, but they weren't! I am thinking of getting an Industrial soon too, because I really liked when I had one because they are so damned sexy! They hurt like hell, and they don't heal for ages, but I think I would like having one again.
I had a good time at Concurrent Disorders. There was some good sharing. I didn't speak, but it was still nice to be there.
I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt I was telling someone "I need to drink or smoke or do drugs or SOMETHING!" I discussed it and ended up smoking cigarettes because I thought it was the lesser evil, and fucking some dude. Kind of a bizarre dream. Things I wouldn't do in the awake world. I'd like to have a dream about having sex with a woman, it might be more fun. Although I must say there's this taboo aspect about romping with men that makes me more inclined to dream about it. Anyway, I felt much more guilty about smoking when I woke up, I had that moment in between sleep and awake when it still felt real and I had regrets!
It will be a year and a month without booze, and seventeen months without marijuana in three days and a bit. Pretty exciting! I'm happy I am still chugging along.
And on July 2nd it will be seven months without tobacco! :D
I'm tired. Tomorrow is Pride! Going to go to the Parade, I don't know how to bless my MEC black raincoat with the rainbow but I will try to think of something. I should have bought a rainbowy umbrella.
I wonder why I am having so many using dreams? It's weird.
I have training on Sunday for this cashier gig I have at the Jazzfest this year. I don't know where it will be though, I should find out!
I'm going to get an estimate for a tattoo I want too. I think I might save it for when I get my next artist fee. Ah shit that reminds me I have to get a contract back to my distributor! I'm losing five percent of my payment so that they can stay afloat. It's okay, it's still better than what galleries charge artists for selling their work. Galleries pay artists fifty percent and take fifty percent. I think that's a little unfair. My distributor is just taking 25 percent. So I still get a nice cut, which is really good considering how much work and money goes into distributing videos.
I'm feeling a little bummed out about this series of rejections I've been getting. It's only two rejections in the past year, but considering how much I liked, possibly even loved, these two women, it's kind of a kick in the teeth! I hate to think about why I am getting rejected. I really don't think anything I could do would change how they feel about me. I already got sober and that wasn't enough. It must be my personality. Which is so depressing to think about! Ugh. And one of them still has me on restricted profile, and she rejected me last July so it's been a really really long time without talking to her or anything. Such a bummer! It would be nice if we could even be friends, at least the most recent woman to reject me is still open to being friends. That's something.
I dunno, I have to just move along really, I just hate that this city is so small and there are so few possibilities.
At least happy things still happen from time to time. For instance, my friend's snake just laid eggs. They are duds, but still, snake eggs, that's kind of happy! They didn't even know she was a girl snake!
I had a good time at Concurrent Disorders. There was some good sharing. I didn't speak, but it was still nice to be there.
I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt I was telling someone "I need to drink or smoke or do drugs or SOMETHING!" I discussed it and ended up smoking cigarettes because I thought it was the lesser evil, and fucking some dude. Kind of a bizarre dream. Things I wouldn't do in the awake world. I'd like to have a dream about having sex with a woman, it might be more fun. Although I must say there's this taboo aspect about romping with men that makes me more inclined to dream about it. Anyway, I felt much more guilty about smoking when I woke up, I had that moment in between sleep and awake when it still felt real and I had regrets!
It will be a year and a month without booze, and seventeen months without marijuana in three days and a bit. Pretty exciting! I'm happy I am still chugging along.
And on July 2nd it will be seven months without tobacco! :D
I'm tired. Tomorrow is Pride! Going to go to the Parade, I don't know how to bless my MEC black raincoat with the rainbow but I will try to think of something. I should have bought a rainbowy umbrella.
I wonder why I am having so many using dreams? It's weird.
I have training on Sunday for this cashier gig I have at the Jazzfest this year. I don't know where it will be though, I should find out!
I'm going to get an estimate for a tattoo I want too. I think I might save it for when I get my next artist fee. Ah shit that reminds me I have to get a contract back to my distributor! I'm losing five percent of my payment so that they can stay afloat. It's okay, it's still better than what galleries charge artists for selling their work. Galleries pay artists fifty percent and take fifty percent. I think that's a little unfair. My distributor is just taking 25 percent. So I still get a nice cut, which is really good considering how much work and money goes into distributing videos.
I'm feeling a little bummed out about this series of rejections I've been getting. It's only two rejections in the past year, but considering how much I liked, possibly even loved, these two women, it's kind of a kick in the teeth! I hate to think about why I am getting rejected. I really don't think anything I could do would change how they feel about me. I already got sober and that wasn't enough. It must be my personality. Which is so depressing to think about! Ugh. And one of them still has me on restricted profile, and she rejected me last July so it's been a really really long time without talking to her or anything. Such a bummer! It would be nice if we could even be friends, at least the most recent woman to reject me is still open to being friends. That's something.
I dunno, I have to just move along really, I just hate that this city is so small and there are so few possibilities.
At least happy things still happen from time to time. For instance, my friend's snake just laid eggs. They are duds, but still, snake eggs, that's kind of happy! They didn't even know she was a girl snake!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
General roundup
I went to Gay AA tonight. It was good, I liked how friendly people were. I still don't like parts of the AA/NA steps. I guess it's the God thing. Maybe because it's a roundabout thing for me. I see God as being a network of all things in the universe including myself, so when I give my power over or whatever I'm really just putting the responsibility back on myself. It's a little weird. I'd prefer to be in a program that took personal responsibility for being sober and didn't act like we were totally powerless because I think that's bunk to a certain extent. I mean, when the doctor's office called and told me I couldn't drink anymore, I stopped. That's sort of powerful.
I also had a booster juice today which made me happy. I love booster juices.
I had this massively hot erotic dream the other morning and I wanted to wake up and jerk off but I couldn't because my piercing is still sore. It's stopped bleeding long ago, but I am still avoiding handling it besides for cleaning. I think I poked it once just to feel the metal, but that was about it.
I'm feeling super emotional these days. It's kind of nice actually, I haven't cried in a few weeks, but just knowing that those cry eyes aren't so far away is comforting. It's sort of healing to cry.
I am gonna go to the bipolar group next week. I'm hoping it's still a friendly place. They used to call me up to give me a heads up to bring money for pizza and stuff. I actually really like them, so I am looking forward to going back.
And concurrent disorders is on Friday! :D
I have been looking into nipple piercing. Apparently it's the only thing besides surgery that can "fix" inverted nipples, and I kind of want mine fixed. I read one experience about it though that was pretty negative, her nipples were trying to invert themselves again and they were mucking up the piercings and she had to take them out in the end. Also I have to find out about how the sensation is after piercing. Already my nipples are fairly desensitized and I don't like it, I am hoping if they stick out they will feel as sensitive as other women with regular nipples. Who knows? I hear they hurt a lot to pierce though and that they take forever to heal.
Then again I like sticking needles in myself even when I am not getting jewelry.
We got a new puppy, I don't know if I mentioned her. Her name is Dora and she is a corgi. She's so freaking cute! She's on my bed right now trying to find a good place to sleep. I love her! She's Mum's dog actually, but she is super smart and friendly and funny. Little Mister savaged her today for getting close to his food. Poor Dora! She had a little wet neck from where he grabbed her and made her cry! We met her when she was super little, I think she was three weeks old or something? She was the complainy one, she made little cheep cheep noises if you didn't hold her the way she liked. She remains a very vocal little pup, she likes to punctuate the silence with little play barks, and she cries when she's unhappy, and if she gets hurt she yelps longer than any dog I've met! Poor baby! I like that she's so vocal though, because besides when someone is at the door our dogs are pretty quiet.
Anyway, blah blah. I think I have more to say but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I have to get up early to get Little Mister to his grooming appointment. He needs a shave and wash and a nail trimming!
I also had a booster juice today which made me happy. I love booster juices.
I had this massively hot erotic dream the other morning and I wanted to wake up and jerk off but I couldn't because my piercing is still sore. It's stopped bleeding long ago, but I am still avoiding handling it besides for cleaning. I think I poked it once just to feel the metal, but that was about it.
I'm feeling super emotional these days. It's kind of nice actually, I haven't cried in a few weeks, but just knowing that those cry eyes aren't so far away is comforting. It's sort of healing to cry.
I am gonna go to the bipolar group next week. I'm hoping it's still a friendly place. They used to call me up to give me a heads up to bring money for pizza and stuff. I actually really like them, so I am looking forward to going back.
And concurrent disorders is on Friday! :D
I have been looking into nipple piercing. Apparently it's the only thing besides surgery that can "fix" inverted nipples, and I kind of want mine fixed. I read one experience about it though that was pretty negative, her nipples were trying to invert themselves again and they were mucking up the piercings and she had to take them out in the end. Also I have to find out about how the sensation is after piercing. Already my nipples are fairly desensitized and I don't like it, I am hoping if they stick out they will feel as sensitive as other women with regular nipples. Who knows? I hear they hurt a lot to pierce though and that they take forever to heal.
Then again I like sticking needles in myself even when I am not getting jewelry.
We got a new puppy, I don't know if I mentioned her. Her name is Dora and she is a corgi. She's so freaking cute! She's on my bed right now trying to find a good place to sleep. I love her! She's Mum's dog actually, but she is super smart and friendly and funny. Little Mister savaged her today for getting close to his food. Poor Dora! She had a little wet neck from where he grabbed her and made her cry! We met her when she was super little, I think she was three weeks old or something? She was the complainy one, she made little cheep cheep noises if you didn't hold her the way she liked. She remains a very vocal little pup, she likes to punctuate the silence with little play barks, and she cries when she's unhappy, and if she gets hurt she yelps longer than any dog I've met! Poor baby! I like that she's so vocal though, because besides when someone is at the door our dogs are pretty quiet.
Anyway, blah blah. I think I have more to say but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I have to get up early to get Little Mister to his grooming appointment. He needs a shave and wash and a nail trimming!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Realizations, piercings, Margaret's Peeves!
My performance in Prince Albert went well and was well received. I also did my screening at the Broadway Theatre here in Saskatoon yesterday and it was really good mostly because people close to me who hadn't seen my work got to see it. My psych nurse Joan even showed up with her sister and she really liked it. I got my name on the marquee which was really exciting, I felt like a real filmmaker! I think that's the first time ever!
I've made some important realizations in the past few days.
One is about the fact that I keep going back to having the same old crushes or trying to be with past love interests and I finally figured out why. I want the familiar. I'm 35, I want to be settled down with somebody and I guess part of me feels like if I was with an old crush/love interest then I would have this nice long history already. It's not going to happen, none of my old crushes/love interests want me. I have to move on. So I have to remember what it's like to be excited about being with someone new. It's all unknown, which is scary. But it's also a fresh start and a chance to be with someone who doesn't have preconceived notions of who I am and what I am like in a relationship. Unfortunately all my past loves/crushes knew me or dated me when I was still heavily using, and so I think that has played a major role in why they don't want to be with me now. And I have to accept that I am never going to have a chance to be a new person with them. And that's okay.
Another thing I have realized is how much being mentally ill has impacted my life's trajectory. When I was twenty or so I was on this nice upwards trajectory in my career and so on. And then my depressions got worse. And then I got on meds and suddenly mania was thrown into the mix when I was 24. And since the manic psychoses have happened, I have been severely limited in what I can do. It's not actually so bad comparatively, I only went off my meds once and that was enough to learn I couldn't muck around with them. But it has impacted so many areas of my life, my career, my relationships, my ability to simply get through the world. I need a lot of help some of the time. I'm lucky to currently be living in the same house as my Mom, but I also am hyper aware that people are constantly judging me for living with my Mom. The problem with NOT living with my Mom is that I couldn't find roommates who could deal with me and my dog, and my dog is crucially important to my well being because he's a therapy dog who does a lot of work calming me down and making me feel safe and grounded when I am upset. Also the current living situation is mostly good because we all take turns cooking for each other and like the same foods and basically can pool our limited resources and survive pretty comfortably, which would not happen if I had non-family roommates.
ANYWAY, I realize that people are judging me and think I am not paying rent or groceries or some bullshit or that I am just another loser who lives with their parent. But the disability thing is a major factor in living with my Mom because she does help me out a lot. And the dog thing.
So those are things I have realized. I don't want to be an inspiration for anybody. I just wish I could have a film career that let me make feature films. And that I could someday move out and live with a girlfriend. I've never lived with a lover, I've never been in a relationship for long enough to move in together. In some ways I think it's a bit crazy to live with a lover, what about personal space?
Whatever.
I went looking around on POF today for local ladies. There are a few who seem cute. Anyone who says in their profile that they "like to party" doesn't make the cut. I'm starting to realize that maybe I should find someone who doesn't drink or use. Which is hard. I sometimes wonder if I should go thirteen stepping at an NA meeting or something.
Actually, there is a gay AA meeting on Wednesday nights and I might go again. I went once with my cousin, it was good but I wasn't ID'ing as an alcoholic at the time. It still doesn't seem to fit as a label, addict seems much more appropriate. If there was a gay NA meeting I would go to that. Hmmmm. At the same time, I don't really like twelve step groups. If there was a Gay concurrent disorders group I would be all over it.
The problem with Gay AA is that it is on the same time as the Bipolar group, which I also don't go to but want to attend again. They gave out bipolar magazines, I forget what it was called BP something or another. Bipolar Living or something like that. I guess I could attend one group one week and the other the other week. Back and forth. Actually that is not such a bad idea.
My ex Margaret used to say she hated the word Actually. "It's so awful, like "Actually your cooking is really good" like they expected it to be horrible!" She also hated listening to people chewing on the phone!
Anyway, that's my blab blab for today.
OOOOOOOOH! No I'm not done yet! I got my hood pierced for the third time on Saturday at three! It hurt a lot but for such a short period of time! Like a couple of seconds, one second when she pierced it and another second when the jewelry went in! It was awesome, I had such great endorphins after! I was all WOOOOOOOOOOO! And now I can't have sex for two weeks and I can't get someone else's bodily fluids on it for a month. So blah. I wasn't gonna get a chance anyway. But I am hoping it makes me feel more myself, when I took the last hood piercing out it was only because I had to get surgery for my gallbladder. I really felt sad when I couldn't get it back in. I love my hood piercing. I'm looking forward to a few days from now when I can masturbate again and relearn all the reasons I love having this piercing.
I've made some important realizations in the past few days.
One is about the fact that I keep going back to having the same old crushes or trying to be with past love interests and I finally figured out why. I want the familiar. I'm 35, I want to be settled down with somebody and I guess part of me feels like if I was with an old crush/love interest then I would have this nice long history already. It's not going to happen, none of my old crushes/love interests want me. I have to move on. So I have to remember what it's like to be excited about being with someone new. It's all unknown, which is scary. But it's also a fresh start and a chance to be with someone who doesn't have preconceived notions of who I am and what I am like in a relationship. Unfortunately all my past loves/crushes knew me or dated me when I was still heavily using, and so I think that has played a major role in why they don't want to be with me now. And I have to accept that I am never going to have a chance to be a new person with them. And that's okay.
Another thing I have realized is how much being mentally ill has impacted my life's trajectory. When I was twenty or so I was on this nice upwards trajectory in my career and so on. And then my depressions got worse. And then I got on meds and suddenly mania was thrown into the mix when I was 24. And since the manic psychoses have happened, I have been severely limited in what I can do. It's not actually so bad comparatively, I only went off my meds once and that was enough to learn I couldn't muck around with them. But it has impacted so many areas of my life, my career, my relationships, my ability to simply get through the world. I need a lot of help some of the time. I'm lucky to currently be living in the same house as my Mom, but I also am hyper aware that people are constantly judging me for living with my Mom. The problem with NOT living with my Mom is that I couldn't find roommates who could deal with me and my dog, and my dog is crucially important to my well being because he's a therapy dog who does a lot of work calming me down and making me feel safe and grounded when I am upset. Also the current living situation is mostly good because we all take turns cooking for each other and like the same foods and basically can pool our limited resources and survive pretty comfortably, which would not happen if I had non-family roommates.
ANYWAY, I realize that people are judging me and think I am not paying rent or groceries or some bullshit or that I am just another loser who lives with their parent. But the disability thing is a major factor in living with my Mom because she does help me out a lot. And the dog thing.
So those are things I have realized. I don't want to be an inspiration for anybody. I just wish I could have a film career that let me make feature films. And that I could someday move out and live with a girlfriend. I've never lived with a lover, I've never been in a relationship for long enough to move in together. In some ways I think it's a bit crazy to live with a lover, what about personal space?
Whatever.
I went looking around on POF today for local ladies. There are a few who seem cute. Anyone who says in their profile that they "like to party" doesn't make the cut. I'm starting to realize that maybe I should find someone who doesn't drink or use. Which is hard. I sometimes wonder if I should go thirteen stepping at an NA meeting or something.
Actually, there is a gay AA meeting on Wednesday nights and I might go again. I went once with my cousin, it was good but I wasn't ID'ing as an alcoholic at the time. It still doesn't seem to fit as a label, addict seems much more appropriate. If there was a gay NA meeting I would go to that. Hmmmm. At the same time, I don't really like twelve step groups. If there was a Gay concurrent disorders group I would be all over it.
The problem with Gay AA is that it is on the same time as the Bipolar group, which I also don't go to but want to attend again. They gave out bipolar magazines, I forget what it was called BP something or another. Bipolar Living or something like that. I guess I could attend one group one week and the other the other week. Back and forth. Actually that is not such a bad idea.
My ex Margaret used to say she hated the word Actually. "It's so awful, like "Actually your cooking is really good" like they expected it to be horrible!" She also hated listening to people chewing on the phone!
Anyway, that's my blab blab for today.
OOOOOOOOH! No I'm not done yet! I got my hood pierced for the third time on Saturday at three! It hurt a lot but for such a short period of time! Like a couple of seconds, one second when she pierced it and another second when the jewelry went in! It was awesome, I had such great endorphins after! I was all WOOOOOOOOOOO! And now I can't have sex for two weeks and I can't get someone else's bodily fluids on it for a month. So blah. I wasn't gonna get a chance anyway. But I am hoping it makes me feel more myself, when I took the last hood piercing out it was only because I had to get surgery for my gallbladder. I really felt sad when I couldn't get it back in. I love my hood piercing. I'm looking forward to a few days from now when I can masturbate again and relearn all the reasons I love having this piercing.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
No Fat Burger! Noooooooo!
Well, it is the eve of my first performance in seven years! I last performed just after my cousin Christopher died in 2006. After that I sort of informally retired from Performance and decided to just perform in my videos. But now, I have cooked up something new! It's official title is Fling with A Colonizing Queen but I think it has been renamed Just Dandy. It's about a revolutionary character at an Indigenous Resistance Meeting reading from her diary about her fling with a colonizing Evil Queen who gives her a dandelion which colonizes the land. The background video was fun to make, a lot of dandelions and the Evil Queen (who is played by a Playmobil character). Anyway, I discovered I have a typical formula for performance, reading text in front of a video while wearing a costume. My costume this time is super simple, but in the past I have been an astronaut and Alice. And music! This time it's the God Save the Queen (the British Anthem), Greensleeves, and God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols. So I'm pretty happy with it, it has come together well.
I've also got my screening here in Saskatoon on Sunday at the Broadway Theatre, which I am excited about. I hope I get a good crowd!
I'm so tired!
I'm giving up on love again. I'm tired of sayin it to people who don't want to hear it. I don't really have any love possibilities these days anyway. Everyone I liked has already rejected me at least once, and it seems kind of futile to try again. I sent a message to someone a while back and she never replied. I guess that's rejection? It seems like I should take the hint anyway. Ugh!
Aside from that crumby stupid stuff, things are good. I might have a short and sweet job during the Jazzfest. It would give me enough money for a tattoo, which would make me super happy as one of my arms feels too bare. I had this envelope from the Corporate Registry which I avoided opening for three days and then when I finally opened it, it was totally not a big deal and was just a return I have to do which means saying all this info is the same and here is my eighty dollars so I can remain incorporated. So I guess I will stay incorporated for another year.
I am trying to keep coming up with opportunities to make arty stuff and ride this nice wave of recognition I am getting with my career. I was on CBC Radio One last Thursday talking about Boi Oh Boi and when I was gonna be a guy. And I had my work presented in a conference in Victoria or someplace like that, which is nice. And I am scanning all my email announcements looking for possible funding situations and stuff to make SOMETHING! I'm not sure what. I have a few ideas brewing. Grant writing season will start in August or so for the October 1st deadlines, and I will be working hard on something for that. Every so often I get an email from a festival that got my email from Tribeca, so it's kind of nice to see fests wanting me to submit.
I went to Regina this past weekend for Queer City Cinema and it was pretty awesome, I saw almost all the screenings and I got to see my friends and Blair was there and let me stay with her and she was super fun because we have great conversations. The art of conversation is important. Sometimes I am such a jerk at making conversation because I am bored and don't want to say anything, but I think that has to do with the content of the conversation. Anyway Blair and I have interesting things to talk about, same with her boyfriend who is pretty cool.
I should get to bed, I have to get up earlyish and flip my laundry, find my birth certificate, eject this DVD, important things like that before we hit the road. It doesn't take that long to drive to PA though, not as long as it takes to get to Regina! Probably half as long. Mom always wants to go to Fat Burger when we go there, I hope I can persuade her to try someplace else.
I've also got my screening here in Saskatoon on Sunday at the Broadway Theatre, which I am excited about. I hope I get a good crowd!
I'm so tired!
I'm giving up on love again. I'm tired of sayin it to people who don't want to hear it. I don't really have any love possibilities these days anyway. Everyone I liked has already rejected me at least once, and it seems kind of futile to try again. I sent a message to someone a while back and she never replied. I guess that's rejection? It seems like I should take the hint anyway. Ugh!
Aside from that crumby stupid stuff, things are good. I might have a short and sweet job during the Jazzfest. It would give me enough money for a tattoo, which would make me super happy as one of my arms feels too bare. I had this envelope from the Corporate Registry which I avoided opening for three days and then when I finally opened it, it was totally not a big deal and was just a return I have to do which means saying all this info is the same and here is my eighty dollars so I can remain incorporated. So I guess I will stay incorporated for another year.
I am trying to keep coming up with opportunities to make arty stuff and ride this nice wave of recognition I am getting with my career. I was on CBC Radio One last Thursday talking about Boi Oh Boi and when I was gonna be a guy. And I had my work presented in a conference in Victoria or someplace like that, which is nice. And I am scanning all my email announcements looking for possible funding situations and stuff to make SOMETHING! I'm not sure what. I have a few ideas brewing. Grant writing season will start in August or so for the October 1st deadlines, and I will be working hard on something for that. Every so often I get an email from a festival that got my email from Tribeca, so it's kind of nice to see fests wanting me to submit.
I went to Regina this past weekend for Queer City Cinema and it was pretty awesome, I saw almost all the screenings and I got to see my friends and Blair was there and let me stay with her and she was super fun because we have great conversations. The art of conversation is important. Sometimes I am such a jerk at making conversation because I am bored and don't want to say anything, but I think that has to do with the content of the conversation. Anyway Blair and I have interesting things to talk about, same with her boyfriend who is pretty cool.
I should get to bed, I have to get up earlyish and flip my laundry, find my birth certificate, eject this DVD, important things like that before we hit the road. It doesn't take that long to drive to PA though, not as long as it takes to get to Regina! Probably half as long. Mom always wants to go to Fat Burger when we go there, I hope I can persuade her to try someplace else.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
One Year
So today (it's only 16 minutes into today, but it is the 18th!) is my one YEAR anniversary of quitting drinking! I can't believe that much time has gone by! It was awkward at first, and I felt bummed out that I couldn't have fun in that way anymore. BUT I also haven't gotten pukey drunk in over a year and I saved a lot of money and my liver has gotten better. All good things. My relationship to alcohol has totally changed. I have still been around drunks, but it's been nice not drinking and being able to drive myself home whenever because I am still sober.
I don't have much else to say about being dry for a year. It's just a good feeling to get to this point! I'm pretty happy with myself. I am even amazed that I went to Tribeca and was able to decline free mimosas! So much free alcohol was being passed around, and I didn't have any. It was probably my biggest test of my sobriety!
I'm doing good in other ways. My friend did friend me on facebook in the end, so that was nice. I still miss her, and don't know if I will ever see her again. BUT there is a chance she might come to this screening of mine here during Pride, so that would be awesome. I'm so nervous that I will be like Stan Marsh on Southpark and puke when I see her from nervousness! But I don't even know if I will see her. Who can say?
I'm going to be applying for some grants this fall, aside from that there isn't much going on in my life. I think this summer will be super laid back, once I do these screenings and performance and stuff. I'm looking forward to going camping and driving out in the country. I'm thinking about getting a super part time job just to bring a little more money into my life. Even one that paid two hundred a month would be a help.
Things could always change without much notice. Life has a way of doing that. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am still looking forward to it.
I don't have much else to say about being dry for a year. It's just a good feeling to get to this point! I'm pretty happy with myself. I am even amazed that I went to Tribeca and was able to decline free mimosas! So much free alcohol was being passed around, and I didn't have any. It was probably my biggest test of my sobriety!
I'm doing good in other ways. My friend did friend me on facebook in the end, so that was nice. I still miss her, and don't know if I will ever see her again. BUT there is a chance she might come to this screening of mine here during Pride, so that would be awesome. I'm so nervous that I will be like Stan Marsh on Southpark and puke when I see her from nervousness! But I don't even know if I will see her. Who can say?
I'm going to be applying for some grants this fall, aside from that there isn't much going on in my life. I think this summer will be super laid back, once I do these screenings and performance and stuff. I'm looking forward to going camping and driving out in the country. I'm thinking about getting a super part time job just to bring a little more money into my life. Even one that paid two hundred a month would be a help.
Things could always change without much notice. Life has a way of doing that. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am still looking forward to it.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Good, Bad, and the Velvet Rope
Well, Tribeca was awesome!!!! I know I haven't written here in a while, I'll just tell you some highlights to catch you up.
I went to three screenings of my film and three screenings of other films. I got some good feedback from some audience members and other filmmakers. I went to a filmmaker's brunch and met some friendly directors, I also was ten feet away from Robert DeNiro AND Lil' Bub! My Mom went with me to a lot of the other events, we didn't see any other celebs except at the awards night, we saw Whoopi Goldberg, Christine Baranski, and Mira Sorvino. Also we saw Ron Howard's daughter Bryce Dallas Howard on the red carpet!
Besides doing film festy things, we also did a lot of shopping and I have a bunch of clothes now and two new bras and it is all really exciting.
And I had my 35th birthday in New York City and we went to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and had oysters on the half shell and swordfish steak with fake beer! It was sweet!
I've been home since the 29th. It's been alright being back, but I had to say goodbye to a good friend who has moved across the country, which was sad although I am also happy for her and the sexy new adventures she is gonna have. I also had enough of myfile on the York website saying No Decision Yet for my grad application, so I called the department and they told me I had been on the waitlist but in the end they didn't take me, and they only admitted four people to the grad program this year. So that was disappointing.
Then I got all frustrated and was all "I'm moving out of Mom's house!" And then I thought about it a bit more and realized I probably couldn't find roommates who could deal with my dog not being fully housebroken and that 1000 a month really isn't much to live on and I have a better deal at my moms. I also realized Steven has stopped doing shitty things like listening to his music loud in the middle of the night and stuff. So it's not really a matter of saving my sanity to get away from him anymore. And I'm tired of people judging me for living with my mom. They make a lot of assumptions about it that aren't true. Like all the people who think I don't pay rent. I pay rent. And I put in money for groceries. And if I didn't live with mom she would have to get another roommate anyway to cover her living costs. And she and I get along really well. I mean, we squabble, but it's very minor most of the time.
Anyway blah blah blah. I might live with Mom until I move in with a girlfriend. Ha ha ha ha! Actually I feel super shitty about my girlfriend prospects now that I have to stay in this stupid city. There isn't anyone I have a crush on besides She Who Will Not Be Named. And she's not even my facebook friend even though we have all this history, because she keeps something like 30 friends and it's a bit of an exclusive club like with a velvet rope and all that. OMG! We actually saw one of those in New York on 17th Street. There were people going halfway down the block in a line up and at the door were some discerning buff doormen picking and choosing people out of the crowd and people pleading and arguing with them and telling them they didn't know this club was gonna be like this. It was like a scene out of Party Girl.
Which reminds me, I did not see Parker Posey anywhere at Tribeca. Oh well.
My Mom thinks she should arrange my marriage now, which is an old joke we've had for ages but now she has watched all these matchmaker shows and I am getting nervous.
I'm getting crabbier and crabbier lately. I'm trying to be happier, but I have these cousins who keep taking advantage of me and my mom, and it's stressing me out and making me grit my teeth and want to bitch them out. One of them took one of my Mom's Lush products, like just went into the drawer in the bathroom and stole it! No asking if she could have it, nothing, just outright theft! It really makes me not want to have her in my house. And another one owes me 22 bucks and I have like, no money, and she was supposed to pay me back on Friday and now it's technically Wednesday and I really doubt I'm gonna get it today. And it just pisses me off. SO fuck this shit!
I'm not lending money or buying food or drinks for anyone anymore. If that means people hang out with me less that is okay, I can find other friends who can afford to go out. I'm sick and tired of these fucking moochers. Moochers!
What else? Well besides being crabby about that, I actually feel a bit hopeful. I think I might have a good summer. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like. I think barbecues, camping, swimming, hot tubbing, things like that. I have a performance in Prince Albert coming up, and a screening in Saskatoon. So that's good, I will get a little money. I am thinking of putting it towards a tattoo. The only thing that sucks about getting a tattoo is you can't swim for a month after getting a tattoo, unless it's in the ocean! And you can't hot tub either! I would have to be willing to sacrifice a month and a half or so of swimming time if it takes two sittings to get this tattoo done! I have to think about it.
We had eight months of snow. It was brutal. Eight fricken months! Ugh! That's more than half the year!
Speaking of long time periods, on May 2nd was five months without a cigarette! And on May 18 will be one year without alcohol! And 16 months without weed! :D My record for being nicotine free was six months, so I have to go beyond it, but this is the first time I've been so close to it since 2007! Pretty awesome!
Well, guess I should go sleep now. So that's been life, some good, some bad.
I went to three screenings of my film and three screenings of other films. I got some good feedback from some audience members and other filmmakers. I went to a filmmaker's brunch and met some friendly directors, I also was ten feet away from Robert DeNiro AND Lil' Bub! My Mom went with me to a lot of the other events, we didn't see any other celebs except at the awards night, we saw Whoopi Goldberg, Christine Baranski, and Mira Sorvino. Also we saw Ron Howard's daughter Bryce Dallas Howard on the red carpet!
Besides doing film festy things, we also did a lot of shopping and I have a bunch of clothes now and two new bras and it is all really exciting.
And I had my 35th birthday in New York City and we went to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and had oysters on the half shell and swordfish steak with fake beer! It was sweet!
I've been home since the 29th. It's been alright being back, but I had to say goodbye to a good friend who has moved across the country, which was sad although I am also happy for her and the sexy new adventures she is gonna have. I also had enough of myfile on the York website saying No Decision Yet for my grad application, so I called the department and they told me I had been on the waitlist but in the end they didn't take me, and they only admitted four people to the grad program this year. So that was disappointing.
Then I got all frustrated and was all "I'm moving out of Mom's house!" And then I thought about it a bit more and realized I probably couldn't find roommates who could deal with my dog not being fully housebroken and that 1000 a month really isn't much to live on and I have a better deal at my moms. I also realized Steven has stopped doing shitty things like listening to his music loud in the middle of the night and stuff. So it's not really a matter of saving my sanity to get away from him anymore. And I'm tired of people judging me for living with my mom. They make a lot of assumptions about it that aren't true. Like all the people who think I don't pay rent. I pay rent. And I put in money for groceries. And if I didn't live with mom she would have to get another roommate anyway to cover her living costs. And she and I get along really well. I mean, we squabble, but it's very minor most of the time.
Anyway blah blah blah. I might live with Mom until I move in with a girlfriend. Ha ha ha ha! Actually I feel super shitty about my girlfriend prospects now that I have to stay in this stupid city. There isn't anyone I have a crush on besides She Who Will Not Be Named. And she's not even my facebook friend even though we have all this history, because she keeps something like 30 friends and it's a bit of an exclusive club like with a velvet rope and all that. OMG! We actually saw one of those in New York on 17th Street. There were people going halfway down the block in a line up and at the door were some discerning buff doormen picking and choosing people out of the crowd and people pleading and arguing with them and telling them they didn't know this club was gonna be like this. It was like a scene out of Party Girl.
Which reminds me, I did not see Parker Posey anywhere at Tribeca. Oh well.
My Mom thinks she should arrange my marriage now, which is an old joke we've had for ages but now she has watched all these matchmaker shows and I am getting nervous.
I'm getting crabbier and crabbier lately. I'm trying to be happier, but I have these cousins who keep taking advantage of me and my mom, and it's stressing me out and making me grit my teeth and want to bitch them out. One of them took one of my Mom's Lush products, like just went into the drawer in the bathroom and stole it! No asking if she could have it, nothing, just outright theft! It really makes me not want to have her in my house. And another one owes me 22 bucks and I have like, no money, and she was supposed to pay me back on Friday and now it's technically Wednesday and I really doubt I'm gonna get it today. And it just pisses me off. SO fuck this shit!
I'm not lending money or buying food or drinks for anyone anymore. If that means people hang out with me less that is okay, I can find other friends who can afford to go out. I'm sick and tired of these fucking moochers. Moochers!
What else? Well besides being crabby about that, I actually feel a bit hopeful. I think I might have a good summer. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like. I think barbecues, camping, swimming, hot tubbing, things like that. I have a performance in Prince Albert coming up, and a screening in Saskatoon. So that's good, I will get a little money. I am thinking of putting it towards a tattoo. The only thing that sucks about getting a tattoo is you can't swim for a month after getting a tattoo, unless it's in the ocean! And you can't hot tub either! I would have to be willing to sacrifice a month and a half or so of swimming time if it takes two sittings to get this tattoo done! I have to think about it.
We had eight months of snow. It was brutal. Eight fricken months! Ugh! That's more than half the year!
Speaking of long time periods, on May 2nd was five months without a cigarette! And on May 18 will be one year without alcohol! And 16 months without weed! :D My record for being nicotine free was six months, so I have to go beyond it, but this is the first time I've been so close to it since 2007! Pretty awesome!
Well, guess I should go sleep now. So that's been life, some good, some bad.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Rash Decisions
So it's day three of this nasty ass rash that started on my neck and back and has over the last few days spread to include all of my body except my crotch and palms. It's under my hair, it's on my feet, it's on my fingers, it's on my arms. Yesterday I took some Benadryl and nearly fell asleep at the mediclinic. Then when I DID get home from the mediclinic I went straight to my room and slept for two hours. The doctor at the mediclinic thinks it's a contact rash or something I ate and gave me six Reactins to take once a day. I took my second one today and it has helped a little but dammit, I still have a rash.
And it HURTS when I scratch, and if I scratch a whole bunch of new itchy bumps form where my nail has scratched. It's awful. Stupid rash!
So anyway, I might go see a real doctor soon, I am making an appointment tomorrow to get in to my regular doc.
Speaking of medical issues, I have made the decision to discontinue my birth control pills. I like that they lessen my period, BUT I don't like having to remember to take them every day and I REALLY don't like that I think they have lowered my sex drive to non-existent. So to hell with them. Plus I am a Lesbian, and I don't fuck men, or anybody really, but especially not men, so they are kind of useless. I think I am going to try and get an ablation so I can stop having my period altogether. I have to do more research. But one thing is for sure, I do not want kids! And I'm already nearly 35, I think my biological clock would have kicked in more strongly if I had any kind of maternal instinct. So an ablation is totally reasonable.
I washed my sheets today and they went inside my damn duvet cover and anyway, there is still kitty fur all over them. Dammit! :(
What else? I am writing a fictionalized account of sobriety. It should be interesting. I have a page and a half written already. I need a minimum of seven pages, preferably ten, and then I can submit it. I also have to do some editing of it at the end probably. Just to make it flow better. I hadn't written in a while so it was fun to start today. It was also annoying because my Mum kept interrupting to ask me goofy questions! Oh well. I guess next time I will put my headphones on.
It's still freakin' snowing here! What the eff!? There is snow EVERYWHERE! It's not leaving! Why why why? Last winter was so mild, and this winter is so evil, and it's not even winter, it's officially spring, and yet there is NOTHING green around here, it's white like the oppressors! AhhhhhhhhhHh!
Well, that's about all I have to say today. I'm tired. Reactin is non-drowsy, thank god, but it is midnight and so it's time for me to go sleepies.
And it HURTS when I scratch, and if I scratch a whole bunch of new itchy bumps form where my nail has scratched. It's awful. Stupid rash!
So anyway, I might go see a real doctor soon, I am making an appointment tomorrow to get in to my regular doc.
Speaking of medical issues, I have made the decision to discontinue my birth control pills. I like that they lessen my period, BUT I don't like having to remember to take them every day and I REALLY don't like that I think they have lowered my sex drive to non-existent. So to hell with them. Plus I am a Lesbian, and I don't fuck men, or anybody really, but especially not men, so they are kind of useless. I think I am going to try and get an ablation so I can stop having my period altogether. I have to do more research. But one thing is for sure, I do not want kids! And I'm already nearly 35, I think my biological clock would have kicked in more strongly if I had any kind of maternal instinct. So an ablation is totally reasonable.
I washed my sheets today and they went inside my damn duvet cover and anyway, there is still kitty fur all over them. Dammit! :(
What else? I am writing a fictionalized account of sobriety. It should be interesting. I have a page and a half written already. I need a minimum of seven pages, preferably ten, and then I can submit it. I also have to do some editing of it at the end probably. Just to make it flow better. I hadn't written in a while so it was fun to start today. It was also annoying because my Mum kept interrupting to ask me goofy questions! Oh well. I guess next time I will put my headphones on.
It's still freakin' snowing here! What the eff!? There is snow EVERYWHERE! It's not leaving! Why why why? Last winter was so mild, and this winter is so evil, and it's not even winter, it's officially spring, and yet there is NOTHING green around here, it's white like the oppressors! AhhhhhhhhhHh!
Well, that's about all I have to say today. I'm tired. Reactin is non-drowsy, thank god, but it is midnight and so it's time for me to go sleepies.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
"Sight" and the Tribeca Film Festival
I haven't written in a while because I got some really good news that I wasn't allowed to talk about for three weeks! I had to wait until the official press release came out.
Anyway, my film "Sight" has been selected for the Tribeca Film Festival!!!! :D I am going to New York City to schmooze with the movie stars and moguls and probably rogue experimental film curators. I am in the ONE experimental shorts program. And they are opening with my film for that program too! :D So that makes me feel good, it's an auspicious placement as far as a shorts program goes! I am so freakin' excited, I want to meet Parker Posey! And John Cameron Mitchell! And that's all I can think of, I am sure there will be other people there that make me star struck though.
My Mom is coming with me. I didn't think I would be able to do New York City on my own without having panic attacks and stuff. Berlin was different because I had friends there and stuff, and I had been there bunches of times. But New York City, I have only been to once before, and that was in 2000. When You Know What was still standing. And traveling with my Mom is pretty good, we are good travel buddies. She came with me to Scotland and helped make all the plans. She was awesome.
So I am hoping to get her a pass or something so she can accompany me to the screenings and events. Because I am not sure what I will do if I can't get her in. I sent an email tonight to the guy I am supposed to send questions to.
What else? Tomorrow I am talking on a panel with my friend Adrian Stimson and also Marjorie Beaucage about Two Spirited Art making and so on and so forth. I'm not sure if I should make notes, but I think I will just wing it. Sometimes that is a good idea and sometimes it's a BAD idea. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
Tomorrow afternoon will be 100 days without a cigarette! I'm getting there! This is the second longest I've gone without a smoke! I am still doing lozenges though, but I think I might be able to wean off them pretty quick. The longest I went was six months. I am halfway there!
My romantic life has seen a glimmer of possibilities. I doubt there will be anything, but it's sort of fun for now just pondering the What Ifs! I still don't want to get involved with anyone until I know if I am staying in Saskatoon or leaving for Toronto. Because going to school while looking backwards with longing is not very nice. I remember when I first moved to Vancouver when I was eighteen I was still thinking about Rheanne and wanting to move her to be with me and stuff and it was really impossible and just Not Going To Happen. And I did get over it, but it sucked for a while.
Maybe I will meet someone in New York City and fall hopelessly in love and then try to help them immigrate to Canada. It happens to a lot of Canadians. Stupid border.
By the way, Beatrix peed on my leather jacket. I cleaned it, it is fine, but it made me change my mind about keeping her. I am going to keep her until the end of April and then I am getting her into this Barn Cat program at the SPCA where they try to place cats into barns of decent human beings who need mousers they can pet but don't want in the house. I think she would make a good barn cat.
Little Mister is good! He's middle aged now, he's getting white on his chin. He will be eight on May 17th! He's sleeping beside me right now.
What else? I am ready to step into the next phase of my career. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to it. I'm glad "Sight" is getting accolades. It's had a pretty quiet life until recently. Thank god for distributors! They make everything better!
Stay tuned for amusing anecdotes about being shown at such a major festival!
Anyway, my film "Sight" has been selected for the Tribeca Film Festival!!!! :D I am going to New York City to schmooze with the movie stars and moguls and probably rogue experimental film curators. I am in the ONE experimental shorts program. And they are opening with my film for that program too! :D So that makes me feel good, it's an auspicious placement as far as a shorts program goes! I am so freakin' excited, I want to meet Parker Posey! And John Cameron Mitchell! And that's all I can think of, I am sure there will be other people there that make me star struck though.
My Mom is coming with me. I didn't think I would be able to do New York City on my own without having panic attacks and stuff. Berlin was different because I had friends there and stuff, and I had been there bunches of times. But New York City, I have only been to once before, and that was in 2000. When You Know What was still standing. And traveling with my Mom is pretty good, we are good travel buddies. She came with me to Scotland and helped make all the plans. She was awesome.
So I am hoping to get her a pass or something so she can accompany me to the screenings and events. Because I am not sure what I will do if I can't get her in. I sent an email tonight to the guy I am supposed to send questions to.
What else? Tomorrow I am talking on a panel with my friend Adrian Stimson and also Marjorie Beaucage about Two Spirited Art making and so on and so forth. I'm not sure if I should make notes, but I think I will just wing it. Sometimes that is a good idea and sometimes it's a BAD idea. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
Tomorrow afternoon will be 100 days without a cigarette! I'm getting there! This is the second longest I've gone without a smoke! I am still doing lozenges though, but I think I might be able to wean off them pretty quick. The longest I went was six months. I am halfway there!
My romantic life has seen a glimmer of possibilities. I doubt there will be anything, but it's sort of fun for now just pondering the What Ifs! I still don't want to get involved with anyone until I know if I am staying in Saskatoon or leaving for Toronto. Because going to school while looking backwards with longing is not very nice. I remember when I first moved to Vancouver when I was eighteen I was still thinking about Rheanne and wanting to move her to be with me and stuff and it was really impossible and just Not Going To Happen. And I did get over it, but it sucked for a while.
Maybe I will meet someone in New York City and fall hopelessly in love and then try to help them immigrate to Canada. It happens to a lot of Canadians. Stupid border.
By the way, Beatrix peed on my leather jacket. I cleaned it, it is fine, but it made me change my mind about keeping her. I am going to keep her until the end of April and then I am getting her into this Barn Cat program at the SPCA where they try to place cats into barns of decent human beings who need mousers they can pet but don't want in the house. I think she would make a good barn cat.
Little Mister is good! He's middle aged now, he's getting white on his chin. He will be eight on May 17th! He's sleeping beside me right now.
What else? I am ready to step into the next phase of my career. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to it. I'm glad "Sight" is getting accolades. It's had a pretty quiet life until recently. Thank god for distributors! They make everything better!
Stay tuned for amusing anecdotes about being shown at such a major festival!
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Shantay You Stay Beatrix Kitty!
Sister (AKA Hermione my Mum's wiener dog) made me laugh today! I was handing Mum some crackers and philly cream cheese and she asked for the knife and when I handed it to her, Sister jumped back all appalled like I was threatening her! Since then Mum has said I pulled a knife on Sister! Poor Hermiones!
Dinner wasn't started until 6:30 and it took two hours to cook. I was crabby all evening until I finally got to eat. It didn't help that I had skipped lunch.
Little Mister got a haircut a while ago and a bath and his toenails trimmed and he is looking sharp! He's being very sweet.
ALSO I have made my decision about Beatrix Kitty. Shantay she stays! I am going to take her with me if I move. I've discovered that weirdo cat has crawled into my heart and made a home with me, so I don't want to let her go. She is pretty special, and she's so sweet. I wish she didn't pee on towels, but as long as she's not peeing on couches/beds/etc then it is okay. I do still need to take her to the vet to get checked out. I need to find out if she has a urinary tract infection. What a drag!
I am going backwards in my crushes. I have gone back THREE crushes! I had that little weird couple of months or so where I was thinking a lot about Rheanne, and now I have gone back to the crush I had BEFORE Rheanne and I even got together in 2006. It's kind of ridiculous, and it's not going to go anywhere and I'm not going to say anything about it to the crushee. I don't know why I am torturing myself. She didn't want me then either, it was totally unrequited. And anyway, bah! I have to just ignore this crazy blip of trying to find a girlfriend until my life has direction again and I know where I am going to live. If I do move to Toronto then I DEFINITELY have to get over Rheanne because she never wants to leave Saskatoon, and if I don't go to Toronto then I have to start getting out more and finding single women who are possibilities here.
Whatever. I have a career I am trying to manage too, in all of this. I have such a weird career, it's not getting me much money. And so far Canadian funding agencies have not supported my attempts to move into dramatic feature filmmaking, or even dramatic longer form videos. I've bitched about this before so I am not going to bitch again. I'll just say that I have been held back for about three years and it is pissing me off. I had better find my floss and start flossing because I need the extra years added to my lifespan so I can make some movies, when I am finally accepted at the age of 40 or whatever. Arg! I hate the jury process sometimes.
I need a patron of the arts really, that would help. Or to win the lottery. Someone won 30 million yesterday, but they are in Ontario. So it wasn't me. Sucks.
I can hear someone licking water. I wonder if it is Beatrix Kitty.
Luke told us this very long story about his medications on Friday. It gave me a headache. He tells us things we don't care about, and dominates the conversation and is generally a pain. I wish he had better social skills, it feels kind of sad to be so annoyed by someone I was so close to as a child.
Also a friend died, I feel like he deserves more than to be in a rambly post, so I am doing to try and write a little something about him soon.
Dinner wasn't started until 6:30 and it took two hours to cook. I was crabby all evening until I finally got to eat. It didn't help that I had skipped lunch.
Little Mister got a haircut a while ago and a bath and his toenails trimmed and he is looking sharp! He's being very sweet.
ALSO I have made my decision about Beatrix Kitty. Shantay she stays! I am going to take her with me if I move. I've discovered that weirdo cat has crawled into my heart and made a home with me, so I don't want to let her go. She is pretty special, and she's so sweet. I wish she didn't pee on towels, but as long as she's not peeing on couches/beds/etc then it is okay. I do still need to take her to the vet to get checked out. I need to find out if she has a urinary tract infection. What a drag!
I am going backwards in my crushes. I have gone back THREE crushes! I had that little weird couple of months or so where I was thinking a lot about Rheanne, and now I have gone back to the crush I had BEFORE Rheanne and I even got together in 2006. It's kind of ridiculous, and it's not going to go anywhere and I'm not going to say anything about it to the crushee. I don't know why I am torturing myself. She didn't want me then either, it was totally unrequited. And anyway, bah! I have to just ignore this crazy blip of trying to find a girlfriend until my life has direction again and I know where I am going to live. If I do move to Toronto then I DEFINITELY have to get over Rheanne because she never wants to leave Saskatoon, and if I don't go to Toronto then I have to start getting out more and finding single women who are possibilities here.
Whatever. I have a career I am trying to manage too, in all of this. I have such a weird career, it's not getting me much money. And so far Canadian funding agencies have not supported my attempts to move into dramatic feature filmmaking, or even dramatic longer form videos. I've bitched about this before so I am not going to bitch again. I'll just say that I have been held back for about three years and it is pissing me off. I had better find my floss and start flossing because I need the extra years added to my lifespan so I can make some movies, when I am finally accepted at the age of 40 or whatever. Arg! I hate the jury process sometimes.
I need a patron of the arts really, that would help. Or to win the lottery. Someone won 30 million yesterday, but they are in Ontario. So it wasn't me. Sucks.
I can hear someone licking water. I wonder if it is Beatrix Kitty.
Luke told us this very long story about his medications on Friday. It gave me a headache. He tells us things we don't care about, and dominates the conversation and is generally a pain. I wish he had better social skills, it feels kind of sad to be so annoyed by someone I was so close to as a child.
Also a friend died, I feel like he deserves more than to be in a rambly post, so I am doing to try and write a little something about him soon.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
The Littlest Filmmaker
I got some really good news that I can't talk about yet yesterday. But know that I will FOR SURE be talking about it once I get the go ahead, don't you fret! It's pretty exciting!
So now I have a shit ton of stuff I have to do. I'm kind of glad, because my life was so up in the air for a while there. And now I know I have some good things coming down the pipe. One thing I CAN tell you about is I am doing a performance during Pride in Prince Albert this June. I haven't done performance art since 2006, just after my cousin died, so it will be interesting to have to do actions/talking in front of a live audience. I am gonna have to be creative too, which is good, because I need to get my brain going again. I have been in a lull ever since I finished Boi Oh Boi.
I'm thinking of making work about addictions, especially within families, but I'm a little worried about my family getting offended. It has to stew for a while.
I need to make a To Do list today. And I need to do some paperwork this weekend, which is due on Monday. Tonight I am going out to shoot some video of a band, I'm getting some pocket money for it, so I'm happy with that. Next week I get paid, and almost all of it goes away into rent and stuff. I'm behind on my cell bill. I need about 200 bucks to pay it off, crappy lappy!
We looked at a virtual tour of the bachelor suites in York Grad residences, and I was pleased to note they did NOT have carpeted floors! Because Little Mister + Carpet = Mess.
I'm really optimistic today. I'm feeling better about my career, for one thing. I think going to school for screenwriting is a good idea, it's not going to be a waste of time. Of course, I still don't know if I have been accepted yet. I really want to get in. I think my options would open up if I got out of Saskatchewan. The Saskatchewan Party really doesn't support film or television here. And I heard BC is going in the same direction, which is appalling considering how strong the film industry is there and how much revenue it brings into the province. These provinces are shooting themselves in the foot.
I hope I don't get to Ontario only to find they ditch support for film too! That would suck. I'd have to move on. Like the Littlest Hobo, only not a dog. The Littlest Filmmaker. Maybe tomorrow I'll wanna settle down. Until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on!
I need a shower. I need to get my video gear together. I need to do some stuff. I'm in a tizzy! I need supper too!
So now I have a shit ton of stuff I have to do. I'm kind of glad, because my life was so up in the air for a while there. And now I know I have some good things coming down the pipe. One thing I CAN tell you about is I am doing a performance during Pride in Prince Albert this June. I haven't done performance art since 2006, just after my cousin died, so it will be interesting to have to do actions/talking in front of a live audience. I am gonna have to be creative too, which is good, because I need to get my brain going again. I have been in a lull ever since I finished Boi Oh Boi.
I'm thinking of making work about addictions, especially within families, but I'm a little worried about my family getting offended. It has to stew for a while.
I need to make a To Do list today. And I need to do some paperwork this weekend, which is due on Monday. Tonight I am going out to shoot some video of a band, I'm getting some pocket money for it, so I'm happy with that. Next week I get paid, and almost all of it goes away into rent and stuff. I'm behind on my cell bill. I need about 200 bucks to pay it off, crappy lappy!
We looked at a virtual tour of the bachelor suites in York Grad residences, and I was pleased to note they did NOT have carpeted floors! Because Little Mister + Carpet = Mess.
I'm really optimistic today. I'm feeling better about my career, for one thing. I think going to school for screenwriting is a good idea, it's not going to be a waste of time. Of course, I still don't know if I have been accepted yet. I really want to get in. I think my options would open up if I got out of Saskatchewan. The Saskatchewan Party really doesn't support film or television here. And I heard BC is going in the same direction, which is appalling considering how strong the film industry is there and how much revenue it brings into the province. These provinces are shooting themselves in the foot.
I hope I don't get to Ontario only to find they ditch support for film too! That would suck. I'd have to move on. Like the Littlest Hobo, only not a dog. The Littlest Filmmaker. Maybe tomorrow I'll wanna settle down. Until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on!
I need a shower. I need to get my video gear together. I need to do some stuff. I'm in a tizzy! I need supper too!
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