Saturday, March 22, 2008

Next is the E

E is probably my favorite drug, and I haven't used it in about, like, eight or nine years. I haven't done it that often, it takes too much out of me, but last night I did it and it was fun.

I didn't get SUPER ripped like I got in Vancouver, but it was still a nice chatty happy touchy feely high. Most pleasurable. I haven't slept at all, but I feel fine. I thought I would have crashed by now, but no, so I'm just going to try and stay up all day and go to bed tonight like normal. I hate getting my circadian rhythm out of wack.

I suppose you'll be wondering now, what about the bipolar!!!! Well, don't worry, I'm feeling fine and I'm sure one night of fun isn't going to send me into a manic episode. I do take my drugs faithfully. I mean, psych drugs. The only annoying side effect from the e is that I've been grinding my teeth, but aside from a sore jaw that's not going to adversely impact my health.

E is the only chemical drug I'll do, because I have prior experience with it and have seen lots of friends safely do it, plus it's not addictive for me. It may be for others. Meth is something I will never touch again, at least not on it's own, there's some people who say meth is in e. But straight on meth, NO WAY. I did it when I was too young and stupid to know better, and lucky for me, my best friend bailed out on ever doing meth again and then because she wasn't doing it, I never did it again. I can see why it has such appeal though. It's like a mini manic episode.

Deanna has the dreaded post psychosis blahs. I just reread all my blog and am amazed at how far I have come. Some of the earlier posts were still crazy, but believe it or not that was after I was judged sane enough to leave. Not sane, but sane enough, go fix this at home now.

Anyway, it's been a long recovery process, but it was safe for me, and good, and I'm glad I took all that time to heal.

Anyway, this January marked the third year I've been living back in Saskatoon. It was kind of a culture shock moving back here, to be honest, and then it was hard making friends. I'm amazed at how hard it is to make friends in this town.

But I've been thinking about all the things that have happened since I moved back here, and you know what, it's all good. I'm now closer with my cousins, in particular that sweet D. Mae. I got to kiss my true love a bunch of times. I've had employment, not the job I moved here for, but enough to get by. Now I have a grant. I have a dog and cat. And I think in many ways moving back here has really let me grow up. I'm way more independent than I ever was, I have a good set of ethics and try to make things right, I've finally got a real psychiatrist listening to my complaints and tweaking the cocktail that keeps me level and happy, I've got a good mental health nurse. And maybe most important is that my whole family lives in Saskatoon, and it's been really good to come back as an adult and have them in my life this way. I mean, I was never able to see my sister Sky while I lived in Vancouver, and now I see her once a week. And she can't talk on the phone because she's mentally handicapped. So I'm happy to be closer to my sister maybe the most.

And something which I also really like about Saskatoon is this sense of community I have here, all my friends know each other in some way or another, and the queers really are integrated into regular life, at least from what I've noticed. It's a close knit community, whereas Vancouver often made me feel small, and if someone left my life I wouldn't ever just run into them on the street or anything. People disappeared. Here I'm feeling loved and supported, and that is good.

So wanting to leave Saskatoon has gone away. I love Saskatoon, it's my original hometown and there's just something sweet about the place. Plus the river is gorgeous. It's nice to live someplace I know inside and out like the back of my hand.

I think the reason I wanted to leave Saskatoon was because I was having a hard time meeting people and making friends. I don't want a huge lot of friends, I think you really only need a handfull of close close friends. And my best friend from Victoria just moved back this last week, so that's one more friend for me. Anyway, I do have friends now, some just the ones I see around, some I've spent considerable time with. My best friend these days I would have to say is Deanna Mae. Robin's my best friend but she lives far away, ditto Margaret, ditto Stef, so I think Deanna gets to hold the best friend title because she lives closer and talks to me most. And I've really liked coming back here and getting to know her, and I'm glad I'll be able to hold her hand when she's dealing with bipolar issues.

I didn't realize this e trip would leave me so verbose.

I'm happy that finally at the age of thirty I am living exactly where I want to live doing exactly what I want to do. Maybe my thirties will bring some stability into my life. Or maybe I will bring stability into my thirties.

I'm not thirty yet, I'm jumping the gun. My birthday's April 26th. We're having a small party with my friends with hottubbing and barbecue. Maybe we'll go to Diva's after.

I'm finding as I get older and older I value good conversation more and more. It's really hard to find you know! Maybe THAT'S really why I miss my ex, she gave GOOD conversation.

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