Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I think the Anti-deps kicked in this morning


I was coming home from work feeling happy. And I noticed that it has been a while since I've been happy. Nothing major has changed in my life, I have worked the same job since March, and I've been living in this coop for about a year and a half. My dog is the same dog, but somehow all these things combined suddenly made me feel good. And a little grown up even. I spent all my twenties doing jobs that paid ten bucks an hour, and suddenly I am making just a titch over twenty dollars an hour. I have health benefits and a company pension. In other words, a real adult job. I'm living in a much bigger nicer 1 bedroom apartment than I have ever lived in on my own. When I think back to my apartment in bad manors I realize how squalid a life I lived there.

When I was a teenager Vancouver was the promised land, I would get a girlfriend and a nice apartment and be a famous video/filmmaker and walk on the beach everyday. Instead, well, you can just read my early entries in this blog to see what my life was like there. I was poor and hungry and didn't have good psychiatric care, as in an actual psychiatrist. I felt depressed every winter and felt very alone. And I could only have pet rats. Now I can't have pet rats, but my dog has a longer lifespan than a rat and I needed the commitment.

I think the antideps kicked in. I've actually had a very good life here in Saskatoon and now that I am on Wellbutrin in addition to my Celexa I can appreciate it more.

I've also realized, after being single for so long, that I don't NEED a relationship. I would be happy if I fell in love with someone who loved me too, but I'm coming to a point where I have discovered I can be perfectly fulfilled on my own. I miss sex with a partner, and I miss cuddling, and other things, but I have enough joy in my life that it's not painful to be without it.

Anyway, I feel good, and I'm doing well, and I am hoping that this signals the start of some extended stability.