The Futility of Desire, or; the Phantom of the Oprah

I have had an unprecedented amount of unrequited crushes in my life. It kind of sucks! I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep picking such unattainable women to fall for. I often wonder if it's because subconsciously I don't feel deserving of a mutually loving relationship. There's got to be something going on! Sometimes I wish I had a real counselor and not just a psych nurse.

I was doing alright for girlfriends between the ages of 19 to 23, then it all kind of petered out and I ended up falling in love with women who became friends and nothing further over and over. I've had an unrequited crush for four years at a time sometimes. That's a long time to be romantically preoccupied with someone who doesn't even want to have sex with me! Oh man.

So you can understand why I feel like desire is totally futile.

I wonder what will happen to me the day it ISN'T futile anymore? Will I have a really hard time adjusting to being with someone who really wants me as much as I want them? Will I get all scared because it hasn't happened for years and run away as fast as I can? Will I get all jerky and crabby to drive them away? Will I get stressed out because I am in love and go insane? It's worrisome.

But not as worrisome as the alternative, which is that I spend the rest of my life alone continuing to get unrequited crushes and feeling depressed like the Phantom of the Opera, which I almost spelled Oprah. Yes, the Phantom of the Oprah.

Here's something to make you cry, it's from Post Secret about sad love.



I am tired of sad love. Well anyway, enough of this blogging for now, now I am off to keep slowly moving all of my bedroom things upstairs to my new bedroom. I will think of a good New Year's Eve blog to end the year with!

New Years Re(s/v)olutions

I am doing my annual hunt for worthy New Years Resolutions. For the first time in years, quitting smoking isn't on my list, because I already HAVE quit and I just have to stick to it. It's been over three weeks now, and I am doing much better. I did dream again last night about smoking, but I just brushed it aside when I woke up and it hasn't bothered me.

So OTHER resolutions. Well, I do still want to exercise more. My mom and I are planning on going to the leisure centres to do Aqua Boxercise this year. I hope we do it, it would be so fun! I only did it once last year, pretty silly since I had a leisure card.

I should commit to doing my laundry more often, it would make me look a lot less shabby. Shabby lady! I am going to otherwise care for my grooming more. Like not walking around with bed head all day anymore. And being sure to brush my teeth twice a day. And flossing, which I was going to try and do last year but I forgot.

Intellectually, I think I need to commit more time to reading. I need to read a variety of things too. I don't know what kind of goal to set around reading. A book every two weeks sounds about right. I will need to get my library card ship shape then, because I have really bad fines on it. UGH!

Creatively I am going to stick to my goal of making two videos a year. I will be done this Super 8 film in the next couple of weeks, and then I have my butch video I will hopefully get a grant for. I am also going to be applying this year for production funds to make Bunnyhug. I hope I get some cash! I really want to do my feature and it's not like Telefilm is going to give me any money before I have made a feature. It's so complicated. You must produce a feature to be eligible to get money to produce a feature. ??????

And I am going to keep trying to get into good writing habits of writing everyday, even a little bit. Not necessarily always in this blog, but writing anything, bits of my novel, a short story, a poem, a grant application, whatever. I must increase my output!

My big challenge this year though is to accomplish 6 sober weeks from that thing I love. After 6 weeks I am going to re-evaluate how I am doing from where I began and decide if I am going to stay clean. I have meant to do this for a really long time. If it turns out I am doing way better, then I think I will try to hang on to my clearness. I'm also very curious about how it will impact my creativity, since that is my most important aspect of my life being an artist and writer. And if it will allow me to be more productive, which is also important. It's all an experiment. But it's exciting.

The thing I have worried about is how irritable I know I will get and wondering when I can expect it to end. I don't want to be a bitch forever. And I don't want to fuck up relationships (not Relationships cause I don't have one) with friends and family because I'm withdrawing from weed and am all crabby and jerky. I wish I could write a big disclaimer and stick in on my forehead, some kind of apology in advance. It's probably what I am worried about the most.

Quitting smoking has made me think it's more possible to quit weed for a while anyway. I'm still obviously ambivalent about giving it up forever, but at the same time I know I would save a lot of money and probably feel way better. Who knows, maybe even the amount of psych meds I am on would go down. Maybe I could even go off Risperidone. That might be nice, then I could do mushrooms again. Ha ha, I'm kidding. Am I? O.o

You can find magic mushrooms on lawns in Surrey!

Aw, I still remember that time I did mushrooms and they worked. That was so fun. Oh man. That was that magical winter before I went crazy and everything went to hell. Damn.

I'm going to be busy this year. I'll be in Germany for a month this summer if all goes as planned. I will also be in Australia at some point for a couple of weeks. And then when I get home I will find out if I got my production grant for Bunnyhug. AAAAARG! I hate that, it'll be the third summer in a row where I run out of cash just before finding out if I have a grant. HOWEVER, if I work really hard at advertising and doing sales calls, I might have enough clients for my business that I can earn a living on my own. And then I won't have to worry, because I will already be booked up for work in August. That's the only way to save myself! I have to plan for this way in advance, because the last two summers have been shitty for being broke ass Thirza in August when all the fun events happen in Saskatoon like the Fringe and the Exhibition and Folk Fest. And I don't want to have to stay home again.

All of this, of course, means that I absolutely must not have a manic psychosis this year. Or at least wait until September to have one. Ha ha, no, none at all! Nyet!

If all goes according to plan then fall 2012 will be spent auditioning and location scouting and so forth, and then I will be shooting my feature just before the Solstice. When the WORLD ENDS AND THE ALIENS LAND!

And then I will apply for post production funding, and end up waiting until August for the fourth year in a row.

Oh man!

I am coming up with new coping mechanisms for holiday stress!

This Christmas was different for me because while I drank, I actually didn't drink that much. I had two drinks on Christmas Eve and maybe four drinks on Christmas Day, spread out over several hours. I felt a lot better. I was clearer and I dunno, it was just nicer.

I also avoided smoking even though all my cousins were smoking all around me. I have cut back on my nicotine lozenge intake too, which is good, I am just forgetting to take the odd one now and then. It's just happening really naturally. I'm not even thinking hard about cutting down on them.

Oh Jeez I just stopped the wiener dogs from attacking Beatrix Kitty! Poor Beatrix Kitty! :O

But it worked out better this year. Except for my alcoholic roommate problems. My cousin got spectacularly drunk on Christmas Eve and it pissed me right the fuck off. I am just getting sick of dealing with this shit in my own home. Once he's gone I think we should make a commitment to only live with other females. Without drinking problems! Oh man. I never grew up with alcoholics in my daily life, and I've been fortunate enough that my roommates while I was an adult didn't have drinking problems. So this is all new to me. And it's just going on and on and I don't see him ever getting sober, to be honest. And I am now worried it is impacting my stability, because I need a stable home life to maintain my sanity! And I really don't want to end up in the hospital again. Twice was quite enough!

Damn.

I hate this.

If he doesn't quit or leave I might have to move out. Something has to majorly change, it can't keep going on like this.

So that's what I was thinking about all of Christmas day, and I looked on Kijiji for pet friendly housing and the rent was like 850 in this different places and up. Shitty. Right now I pay 500. And for the next six months I am only making 1000 a month. So I don't know what I am going to do.

And Mister needs a backyard where ever we go, and very few carpets.

It's a mess. I know Steven needs a good place his son can come and visit, but I also need a stable house without some drunk bothering me every five minutes and drinking all my booze because he doesn't know when to stop.

Once when I got screened for drug and alcohol problems, the results said while I had problems with marijuana, alcohol use wasn't a big issue in my life at all. And alcohol abuse and being a pothead are two very different things, I have discovered. Potheads just get laidback and sleepy and hungry, but alcoholics turn into different people. SUCH different people. It's like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde kind of stuff. It's weird!

That's why I don't like it.

Addiction is weird.

Well anyway. Today I am going for coffee and doing some knitting with my friend Daniel. I have gotten really into knitting, and I have finally knit enough that I feel like maybe I will have a scarf by February. Plus I will have someone to talk to about this terrible home situation

Stressed to the Max! UGH!

I can see why so many people kill themselves this time of year. UGH! It is majorly stressful. And it is like this every year. I want to celebrate Christmas away from the larger family. There are too many of them and they get in my space. My Uncle, Auntie, and two cousins are spending Christmas in Jamaica. I think they have the right idea.

The problem is I just don't know why we do Christmas. It's supposed to be a big family thing but it's just all messed up and so much has to be done. And I don't like doing the work of entertaining large groups of people and being subjected to family judgement. Blah! Fuck that! I am so sick of Christmas. 33 of them is quite enough.

And there are too many invitations to things, and I am not going to be able to see every one, and I am already pretty much booked up for social events until the 27th. I am also stressed out by the sheer cost of Christmas. It worries me. I am going to be glad when my Christmas is just me and two other people or something like that. All day. No hordes. No family drama. No people bitching at me like I am bitching to you about how stressful it is.

I still haven't smoked! :D I am feeling good about that. I love not smoking! I had a dream I had cigarettes last night. I didn't smoke them, but I looked at them and longed for them. It was a weird dream. BUT I refused to let myself smoke them, even though I was totally subject to the whims of my subconscious. It's been 2 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 3 mins since I quit smoking. :D

I have hated Christmas for a long time. Not the actual holiday, just all the expectations that surround it.

And this Christmas we are doing renovations. It's really rough. So much going on in our house.

And Sky will be home, which is always a lot of work because she is special needs. I just don't understand why the family expects mom to do so much work to entertain them at Christmas when she also has to look after Sky.

It's always been like that too. They're going to stress her and me out so much we have heart attacks. In fact I should just rent defibrillators every Christmas from now on.

Aaaaaaaah! I want to run away!

I will find some Christmas cheer after another beer. I am just going to drink myself through the holidays. Like regular folk do when they are stressed out.

Mind like a hamster wheel *squeak squeak squeak*

I have awoken from a HORRIBLE sleep! I forgot to take my night meds at first and by the time 2:30 rolled around and I was still up, I went upstairs and took them. I fell asleep half an hour later, but then mum woke me up to look at Maeshowe at solstice (I slept a little more so I actually missed it) and then I missed out on getting a full eight hours.

So I am going to be crabby today.

I think I am finally falling out of love, which is GOOD! I'm tired of being treated badly and I'm tired of her attitude about me. She's got these weird ideas of who I am that don't match up with how I see myself. Or I didn't see myself that way for a long time, and then it kind of leeched into my soul and tarnished my vision of self. I don't think it's good to love someone who doesn't think you can do anything. It's much better to love someone who thinks you can do amazing things.

So I still don't know who I will fall in love with next, and it doesn't really matter. I can be a whole person without a girlfriend. My psychic says I will end up with someone for the rest of my life, so that is good to hear. It just troubles me, this fear that I will end up with someone emotionally abusive again. Or any kind of abusive really. Because that kind of shit sneaks up on you. I have this theory that you can tell a lot about a potential mate by how they treat people in the customer service industry. If I'm on a date with someone and they yell at some customer service rep, I'm out. Not interested at all!

Steven seems to have gone back to his partner. I don't know if he is still living with us or what, but we have to rent out the basement when it is finished. I hope he doesn't go back just to get kicked out again after we've gotten a new tenant. I don't know where he would go.

This Christmas we are having a ham! I love ham, I am so excited, we hardly ever get ham. And turkey is kind of lame, it dries out so fast and there are too many leftovers. At least with leftover ham you can cut off a slice and fry it up. What can you do to reheat turkey and make it taste good? Mum always puts turkey on bread with gravy, but I've never been a fan of that combo.

Last night I dyed my hair Hot Hot Pink by Manic Panic! I'm so happy, pink hair, pink hair! I wanted to dye it earlier but my horoscope said not to make changes to my appearance until after the 13th. And it was good to wait, because I found out I am getting income assistance and don't have to worry about a job job.

I really want my business to take off. I had to crack the whip on the logo designer because I've been waiting for it for months and I really need it so I can get business cards made. It's kind of fucking me up actually.

My cousin Sharlene is spending Christmas eve and Christmas morning with us. I'm kind of excited to have her here, should be fun! We'll watch Auntie Mame on Christmas Eve and then go to bed and wake up for presents, stockings, and mimosas, and then cap it off with a great big brunch with blueberry pancakes and bacon and pork sausages! I love Christmas morning because it's when my little family does our thing, without the whole big family being around.

Well, what else? I am crabby. I should get over it, but sleep deprivation doesn't make me a very happy person, it kind of fucks with my moods actually. Sucks! :(

Life Under The Harper Government just before Christmas

The basement is so close to being finished! And after Christmas I get to move up to the ground floor and have a bedroom with giant windows. WINDOWS!!!

Christmas is less than a week away! Sunday! OMG! I still have to get my cousin something, although I am dubious about whether he will get me anything. I know what I am getting him, but my Mom called me an enabler so I might get him something else. Depending on how much it is. He didn't come home last night. I don't know where he is.

Beatrix Kitty likes laying on her back. She's doing it right now, all flopped out beside me purring. She's a cute cat, I like her. She went through a terrible phase when she was a kitten, but all kittens are terrors.

Today in three hours it will be two weeks without a cigarette! :D But today is really rough. :( I am having terrible thoughts of going out and getting a butt to smoke, which is ridiculous because there aren't even any butts or cigarettes in the house, that's why Steven left last night. The temptation is really bothering me, especially since I read COPD screening questions at the clinic the other day and noticed I had two of the warning signs, coughing up phlegm and shortness of breathe. But my breathing is actually pretty good, and I think I am just coughing up phlegm because my lungs are cleaning themselves out. At least, that is what I am hoping.

Either way I know if I keep smoking I am on the path to getting COPD and it terrifies me. I don't want to be all gibbled because of a dumb addiction that made me feel guilty for years. I just hope it's not too late for me. And I hope these urges to smoke go away. For most of my quit I have had a pretty good time of it, except for a handful of days when I really thought about having a cigarette. It was funny, I would feel really vulnerable to a relapse for about a day and then the next day I would be on top of the world, looking down on creation! So I know these rough days pass. But damn it is hard. Still, every time I feel the trigger to smoke and I don't give in, I am deprogramming myself. And that feels good. They say quitting smoking is a process, not an event. Much like coming out of the closet I guess.

Speaking of coming out of the closet, I have realized it is a lifelong process. I come out a lot, but sometimes I just forget until it gets really awkward. It makes me realize I could go back in the closet just because of someones heterosexist mindset. I wanted to just make an announcement and be done with it and have everybody know. But no, I have to keep asserting it. Imagine being heterosexual and having people you meet constantly think you are queer, it gets annoying! Being presumed heterosexual is so bizarre. And it's especially awkward when I have to shrug off sexual attention from clueless straight men, because they have that whole idea that lesbians are doing it just to turn them on. UGH!

There's my rant for the day. That will be five cents.

No, there is more I want to write about I am sure.

I am a bit concerned by how many people I am supposed to buy Christmas presents for now. I really liked it when I just bought for my mom and my sister, and now people are telling me to buy for a whole bunch of people and I just can't afford it. Next year I am going back to my rule of only buying for my mom and Sky. I don't really care about a big Christmas. And I'm not even Christian! I should celebrate the solstice. The earth is tilting back towards the sun and the days will get longer again, that's reason enough to celebrate.

It's been unseasonably warm this fall/early winter. And there is hardly any snow. And I am being governed by a corrupt government which denies the very real fact of global warming, even though it is fucking with our arctic. Just because they can get some money out of the tarsands, which by the way uses more oil to produce a barrel of oil. SIGH! And I also disagree with fracking, I think it will increase earthquake prone regions. Even the US Military gave up fracking because they knew it was causing earthquakes.

Canada is going to shit. And we have four more years of this, and the NDP is being so damned quiet since Jack Layton died. We're the opposition, we should be doing more, it seems. We need someone who's brave enough to stand up to the bullies in our government. And we can't even call it the Canadian Government anymore, now it's the Harper Government. So fucked up.

I've really gotten into knitting these days. It's a skill for the apocalypse! LOL! We're days away from 2012, and there are still people I know who think something big will happen. I don't know what I think. I definitely think things are coming to a head. I can see civil unrest happening in Canada with this government that doesn't listen to it's people. And I know aboriginal people in Canada are really getting fed up with the racism and racist policies directed towards us. Racism is abuse. It's not funny and it's not merely an opinion, not when it is entrenched within government through things like the Indian Act. And it keeps me from reading the comments section. It seems like everyone in Canada is a racist if you just read the comments section.

Stayin' In on a Saturday Night

Knitting is awesome! :D I got tips last night from my friend Daniel and now I can do stitches a lot faster and easier and my tension is much better. I doesn't take as long to do a row now, which is making my tiny scarf finally progress. I am taking a break now to look at facebook. But I am going to knit again after I finish this post.

I don't have a knitting bag, so I am keeping everything in a liquor store bag. I hope I don't get mugged when I am walking around with it. I'm sure someone would be really disappointed to get unfinished knitting instead of booze.

I heard it is cool to knit, is that true? I wasn't trying to be cool. My grandma and mum knitted, and I kind of always wanted to learn but thought it would be terribly complicated. Plus I really need a scarf. I need a hat too actually, maybe I will make one after this scarf is finished.

It's really relaxing to knit. It's kind of addictive.

It's way better than smoking anyway, I wanted to do something else with my hands after I quit.

I have still quit! Not a single puff! It's been really positive. Some days are hard, but I have gotten through them. When I had a dream about smoking I had a bit of a rough day, but I still didn't smoke.

My psych nurse told me that the addiction workers who run the dual diagnosis group here are really good at helping people resolve ambivalence about sobriety. I am kind of curious to talk to them about it. My ambivalence is legendary!

I'm so tired! I can't believe I woke up and stayed up all day. I was fretting in my head since the drama of Thursday, but I have figured out how to deal with it in the future. So that's good.

Tonight we went shopping for christmas stocking stuffers and presents. I know what dvd I am getting because I picked it up and said "OMG!" It's Disney's The Sword In The Stone, which is REALLY good! And I have never seen a copy of it since we last rented it at the video store when I was a kid. Maybe Kristjan will like it.

I'm staying home tonight, last night I went out and got really drunk and now I just want to sit at home knitting or in front of the computer while either drinking a pepsi or sucking on a mini nicotine lozenge. As I have gotten older, nights in are beginning to look more appealing. It's saving me money, that's for sure. Plus I am a little better at bedtime and night meds when I stay in. Sometimes I forget to take my night meds when I have been out, and usually my bedtime is way later too. But also some nights when I stay in I write until 2am.

I'm so tired! I think tonight will be an early night. The basement is getting renovated for Steven to move down there, and we have to paint it this weekend. I am in charge of painting all the trim, as in baseboards. And I also have to go through each board first pulling out the nails with a pair of pliers. I'm dreading the nail removal rather than the actual painting. Painting is kind of fun. Pliering is kind of suck ass. And I think I just made that word up.

I have no money coming in until January. I think I am going to take a break from my favorite thing just for financial reasons. I can't afford to go into debt over my stupid addiction. Although weed at Christmas would be really nice. Or am I using it medically? I don't really know. A break wouldn't hurt me though. I might get crabby but that's about the worst thing that would happen. Hopefully I don't get too crabby. Apologies in advance!

I really need a shower. And to brush my teeth. And to have a pee. And to put on deoderant. Tomorrow we put up Santa window clings and the tree with Kristjan! We have been saving it for when he comes over. I love our atheist Christmas tree. It's all santas and fruit!

Speaking of Christmas, both Mum and I want to change how we celebrate, or not celebrate it. It costs way too much money. And it is really stressful. I think it will be much more modest as the years go by. This year she is only giving me a stocking, but she gets really good stuff for our stockings. And I don't really need a present too.

Hmm, maybe I should go shower and generally clean myself up and then make a hot apple drink and knit for a while. That sounds really nice actually. YAY for staying in on a saturday night! I LOVE staying in on Saturdays!

I MUST MAKE SOMETHING EPIC!!!!!!

I got funded from Saskatoon Tribal Council!!!!! :D I am getting six months of income support while I work full time on my business. I have to write a report in three months and then another report at the end of the six months. And go in every month to sign a paper for expenses so I can get paid.

I'm pretty happy. I found out on Tuesday and today I finally got to sign my paper for January's money, so I called my worker this afternoon and cancelled welfare. YAY! I am not on WELFARE ANYMORE!!! I can make money and not be sneaky! Whew, that's good because I got four hundred bucks from a screening this month! I love when random artist fees come in.

In a few weeks, like maybe three weeks, I should know if I got my Sask Arts Board grant. I hope I did, otherwise I have to rearrange my whole residency in Hamburg. But so far I have had some money luck, so I hope it continues.

Grandpa and I were in the backseat of the car and he started singing "Meewasin, meewasin, meewasin soniyas!" and taking out some money to give to Mum for Sunday dinner. In English that would be "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful money!"

I think I am going to sing that song next time I get money!

I've been thinking seriously about making an extremely low budget feature film from my screenplay Bunnyhug. I think I still look young enough that I could play the lead role, which would cut down on actors fees. I think I could do a bare bones version with minimal video equipment and spending most of the budget on actors and crew. It's a film about extremely poor people too, so locationwise it shouldn't be too difficult to find a set. I'm not needing a mansion, that's for sure! I think that is what my next grant application at Canada Council will be for. And if I did a feature with Canada Council money and it was moderately successful (as in finished) I could go on to Telefilm money for bigger projects in the future.

I just think I really want to make narrative feature films, and I may as well start now. I have a whole blueprint for a movie, and it entertains me when I read it. It's a love story but really it's about insanity. I think it's important. And funny. Funny is good. And I know how to use my camera and I can edit and I can direct and act (actually I am a decent actor). Who knows, maybe I can even rent my mom's basement apartment for a couple weeks to shoot in.

It's ambitious, but I think I can do it. And I've been thinking about this project since 2003, I've planned all kinds of things about it. I know how I want lines delivered and what I want the set to look like and props I will have to collect. I know all their interior motivations and I've plotted how the edits will go.

Plus I need a big project to work on. I made a documentary feature, but I really want to get into drama. And who knows, maybe it will set the stage for me getting Telefilm money for Mars: The Maiden Voyage.

So that is what I am thinking about.

Monday I will get my footage back from the lab. That reminds me, I have to call and book the projector for Tuesday! And my video camera still needs to be cleaned, dammit! I will have to rent a mini dv video camera from PAVED for a day. I should have done that volunteer work, then I could have gotten production credits.

Tis a crazy life, to be a presently sane filmmaker.

My mom and grandparents went to my Uncle Doug's company lunch today. It was nice, I was sitting across from his cameraman and we got to talk shop.

Oh and I have to buy some sharpies.

I think it's gonna be a good little film.

There was some drama in my house the other day, my cousin's ex/still sort of girlfriend yelled at my mom, in her own house, the nerve! It pissed me off. I like having a happy home and I really resent people bringing negativity into the house. And verbal abuse is not to be tolerated. UGH! It brings me back to being concerned about who I end up with for a partner. I don't want someone who makes me feel bad.

Then Mom pointed out that someone I like makes me feel little and small. And I thought about it and I was like "Holy shit, you're right!" It irked me. I don't like feeling little and small, because I am not. I have a decent career, even if I have not made a million dollars off the back end of a five minute short. And I am doing things all the time.

But the other concerning thing about the verbally abusive episode in my house yesterday is that I don't want someone elses bad attitude to negatively impact my stability which I have worked SO FUCKING HARD ON for years! I'm not interested in being some unstable person's punching bag, or for my mother to be the punching bag either. It really upsets me. Stress isn't good for people with bipolar disorder, and it has precipitated my episodes in the past. So after living with mom for over a year and falling into a decent living arrangement, I don't want everything to get fucked up and higgledy piggledy! Aw fuck I think I spelled that wrong, oh well.

I saw my psychiatric nurse a couple of days ago. She wants me to approach the Partnership through the Schizophrenia Society to do public speaking with my mom about my recovery from bipolar disorder. I think I am going to do it. I could do like, five talks a year or something. I could do more, but I am going to start off reasonably.

She also told me she thought I was very gracious when I was all overmedicated and in a group home for months. She thinks that I might never have another big episode if I stay on my meds, and continue to do other things that aid my little brain, like getting proper sleep and eating right and stuff.

I really hope so. I don't think I could handle another manic episode, I would feel like my whole life was unraveling all over again.

Hey hey hey it has been ten days since I had a smoke! :D I am doing good! I'm really committed to not smoking this time, yesterday I sort of hit a wall and kept thinking about smokes, but I persevered!

Dream a little dream of you

Tomorrow at 2:30pm Saskatchewan time (which isn't on daylight savings time so it always switches between being Central and Mountain and I never remember which is which) it will have been SEVEN DAYS since I quit smoking! My first whole week smoke free! It feels pretty good. I have one nicotine mint when I wake up and then my coffee and lunch and another nicotine mint and then a drink of pop and then another mint a couple hours later. It's going well. I've been feeling pretty positive about it and my self esteem is even improving, which is nice. I feel like shit about myself when I am a smoker. Because I know I shouldn't do it and most of the time didn't even want to do it but I had to do it. Smoking, yuck! What a terrible addiction!

My sense of smell is coming back, and hot apple drink tastes SUPER yummy these days. But I think the biggest change I have noticed is I don't have cold hands and feet anymore. My circulation has improved immensely. It's nice to have something substantial like that to appreciate about smoking cessation.

So aside from that, I am still waiting to hear from STC. I helped put up the christmas lights today. I saw my sister tonight at her group home and she fell asleep while I was hugging her. Last night I read almost all of the articles on Quit Smoking at About.com. I had a crazy weekend but it was fun and positive.

Rejection sucks ass, but I am feeling better about myself these days. I harbour hope that one day I will have a totally healthy life long relationship with someone. I don't know when it will happen. But I don't mind being single. I've had some flirtatious action in the last few years at least, so it's not like those other years of NOTHING! They just fizzle out like dud firecrackers though, my little flirtations. It's been a weird pattern but maybe I should be relieved, like it is keeping me from being in relationships that wouldn't make me happy.

Still I do worry that my relationship skills are totally out of practice. And my parents split when I was two so I never grew up around a relationship, like the day to day aspects of a relationship. I feel like I am kind of making it up as I go along. If I was still living across from a Chapters I would probably go sit in there and read the self help section on communication in relationships and stuff.

Maybe I am also thinking of this because of my cousin's relationship, which I have been observing ever since he moved in with us. It's not a good scene. It makes me think about my past relationships and how long I would try to withstand cruel behaviour just before it all unraveled. I think to myself "Oh if only I had had a backbone and would just have confronted them as soon as they starting saying mean things!" I think, from what I have noticed, people sometimes (well, often) gauge how badly they can treat their partner before their partner won't take it anymore, and if they can get away with treating them like garbage then they WILL!

Oh man, that is really pessimistic.

My first real girlfriend lived in Toronto while I was in Vancouver, and only talked to me on the phone once every two weeks. Even if I would call her wanting to talk a week later because something came up, she would keep it to every two weeks. And that went on for a year and a month! Now I look back on it and think "Oh gawd, how controlling!"

So I get crushes and then later on they kind of fizzle out after I start noticing weird behaviour or other indications of possible relationship drama. And I'm not talking mental illness, I could date another person with a mental illness, enough of my own friends are really nutters anyway, one more nut wouldn't wreck my world. I just mean people who like making people jealous and that kind of weird gamey behaviour. That's what I can't stand.

Red Flags is what I'm talking about!

I am wary.

Because I don't need a girl to make me feel like a loser! I can feel like a loser all by myself. But BLAH! Who wants to feel like a loser, nobody, that's who!

I am very highly suspicious of people who want their partners to change fundamental aspects of who they are. I think you should love someone for who they are, not for what you want them to become. People's growth and change comes from a core within themselves, they have to want it for themselves. They can't do it for other people. Even if EVERYBODY wants them to change! I don't believe in interventions either.

Well, I think I am going to get away from this confessional blog and go make myself some Hot Apple Drink to take to bed with me, where I will finish reading about butch and femme and maybe jot some totally embarrassing feelings about a certain someone who will remain nameless in my journal. Which is almost ALL WRITTEN IN! I started it in April 2008 when I moved into the coop! Hundreds of pages and many deep dark secrets later I am almost DONE! I have eight pages left. I am going to have to go diary hunting this december. Either that or write in that cute Marlene Dietrich book I got, but I don't feel as secure about the binding of it for a long term document like a journal. I am very fussy about my journals.

Party Hardy, withOUT ciggies!

It's now been well over three days that I have been smoke free. It's going well, but right now I am partying and there are cigarettes around and I have already been offered some but I am holding fast to my obligations not to smoke. I quit with the beer a few hours ago and am just drinking water now, but the partying continues and with it so do the urges to smoke.

What it really is is that this is the first time in a long time that I have partied without smoking. I have to learn how to do it without reaching for a cigarette.

My Super 8 made it to the lab and should be here in time for Christmas. So I will have lots of time to draw all over it. Yay!

I'm feeling positive about my life. I think I'm going to be okay. I just need a little more direction. I have some shows coming up and I am producing again and my creativity is reviving.

Being diagnosed bipolar really kicked my career in the ass. It took a long time to learn how to live with it. And it always takes a while to recover. From those BIG episodes. Sheesh. It fucks me over for about a year.

But it's been since 2007 that I had a big episode, so I am glad. I value my mental health.

Creative Thingly-doos

I never did win NaNoWriMo with a 50,000 word novel. I did however end up with 19 pages of an autobiography about madness. I think I might have to expand on it though, I mean what I write about, because there's only so much you can say about madness before it gets redundant. My manias and depressions have been pretty similar to each other. I mean, the situations are always different but I always end up feeling like a Messiah or someone who should be dead. It's kinda predictable.

So yes, I am still going to work on my novel, it just will take longer than one month. And who knows, maybe next year I will write a novel in a month.

I haven't had a cigarette in 33 hours! I feel pretty proud of that, but I also realize I need a little hobby for my hands to be busy. So I am going to learn how to knit. I am starting off with a scarf. Just a really basic scarf. I hope it doesn't roll up into a tube, but even if it does I will have something warm and handmade by me around my neck. Tomorrow I go out to pick up some yarn for it, and some number 7 knitting needles. KNITTING!

My Grandma used to knit a lot, so in a way it feels like something I am compelled to do. I don't have anything she knit for me anymore either, which makes me sad. But maybe I can make some new knitted things. She once made me the best mittens ever, they were purple and the insides were another layer of thinner but softer pink yarn. They were so warm! I loved them and I had them for over a decade, but they weren't on a string so one day one got lost. And the other followed a year later.

Some friends of mine invited me to join their knitting group, so hopefully soon I can sit around with friends all knitting and doing other artsy crafty things.

I shot my Super 8 film for the 8 fest, but I still have more work to do. When it comes back from the Lab I have to draw on it with a sharpie to simulate blindness, mine in particular. I used to get ocular migraines and the edges of my vision would start to turn white until everything was white except the very middle of my vision. They are scary to have. I think they were related to my oncoming manic depression, because I got them when I was in 6th grade up to second year of university. They come on really fast, so often I would be walking from point A to point B when they occurred. And crossing a street trying to see the walk light when you are half blind is scary as hell. Also I want to talk in my film about my cousin's blindness and how it is related to his schizophrenia. He stabbed himself in the eyes almost two years ago after going off his medications. So sad.

Also I have to record some audio for my film and edit it and make a little mp3 on a cd for the 8 Fest to play alongside my film. So there is still some work to be done. But I am happy to report it will be done in January in time for the 8 Fest. And the day after it screens I will post it onto my facebook. Maybe some girl will be attracted by my filmmaking skillz.

So creatively I am doing very well. I have been producing things anyway, which always makes me feel good about myself. I don't feel good when I am not able to be creative.

Also I spend too much damn time on Facebook. But I am always immersed in websites. I used to be on Open Diary all the time. Now I hardly ever visit. But if I knit I can do something with my hands that is productive besides writing facebook statuses.

I am going to hear in January if I got my grant to make a video about being butch, and do a residency in Hamburg while I finish editing it. So I really hope I get it. It would be awesome! :D I only applied for 6000, I hope that's enough. I will have to pay my 500 rent here AND a plane ticket and money to live on in Germany including 60 euros for the rent over there. Also money to make the video, including paying my minimal crew and renting equipment. I think I can do it. I am going to buy the ticket as soon as I can, because then I will get a way cheaper fare.

Oh mans, it's late! I should go get Little Mister and go to bed. I was hearing this squeaking in the kitchen and it was tripping me out man! Probably a mouse.

Australia

I am supposed to go to Australia next year. I am super excited about this, having NEVER gone that far away and also because of the Aborigine culture in Australia. I am not excited about the racism there, but is it worse than in Canada? Canada is pretty racist. All you have to do is read the comments section of the Globe and Mail or CBC to see it in action.

Also all this furor over Attawapiskat. So many people are blaming the band and council, even though they had so little to work with. For those of you from outside of Canada, Attawapiskat is a reserve in Manitoba where the housing situation is so dismal that people are living in condemned housing and tents even in the winter. The government says they had 90 million to build homes, but after everything is taken into account they really only got five million in six years to build new homes, and most of that went to education (they didn't have a school for a while). Now they have been placed under 3rd party management, which basically means the governments that fucked them over have more power over how they spend their money. It's a slap in the face.

I am really working hard on quitting smoking. It's not going very well, but I am still going to try hard! My cousin gave me three beers and it weakened my resolve. But I am still determined tomorrow morning I am not going to have that first smoke!

What else should I talk about? Well, Mister the therapy dog (because he's not really a service dog) has been getting along well. I was worried getting a dachshund that his back would have problems, but there was only one week where he yelped a few times when he would play with the other dogs too hard, and so he is actually doing pretty good. His injury or whatever it was healed and now he is back to his rough and tumble self. He wrestles with Hermione, the other dachshund, and never complains. So I guess he is well. I love him so much.

Having a dog has improved my life so much. He is six now, so I have had him a little over five years. We got him in may 2006. And he was a year old then. He was going to be a breeding dog but the breeder decided she didn't want to get into breeding long haired dachshunds, so she sold him to me at a year old for less money because he was going to get the snip and be a pet. And he has been a lovely pet. The only complaints I have about him is that he pees and poos everywhere and barks too much. Some people would find this too much to deal with, but I accept him as a barky and pee-ey/poo-ey guy. I do want to train it out of him of course, but it's taken a while. He only goes in certain spots anyway.

BUT in terms of love and companionship, he has proven himself to be necessary for my mental well being. Because the basement feels haunted and Mister is a dog with the capability to push away bad spirits, I always take him to bed with me for snuggles and general ghost busting. Just having a little soul on the bed seems to ward away the bad juju. And also when I feel lonely I like picking him up and kissing him.

Also because sometimes my illness makes me think of bad things, like animal torture (be it through fur farms or some other terrible thing like factory farming) I like having a small animal I can curl up with in my arms and just love unconditionally. When bad thoughts get in my head of animal suffering, I like to snuggle my little dog and think how I will keep him safe through his whole life from bad things. I want him to die a very old dog with a very sweet life.

Little Mister is in bed with my Mom right now. I've started letting him go to bed with her and then picking him up just before I go to sleep. It makes him happy, he gets tired way before me anyway.

After saying all this stuff about animal welfare, you might be surprised to find out I want to taste Kangaroo while I am in Australia. I hear it's like venison. I am hoping I have a chance to taste it if I hang out with the right people. The indigenous people. We'll see.

Oh, and my cousin is back from his journey to the offsale! I should go find out what happened!

Things I know are not true

This whole blog isn't actually going to be about lies I tell myself. Because I realize I have to give an update on What Happened to Deanna.

Deanna had an interesting conversation with a police officer and then an interesting conversation with some people in an ambulance and is right now in the hospital, and has been there for a little over a week. We found out through the Vancouver Police. So she's in a safe place, and I'm mostly concerned with her health and what she will do after she is released. I hope she's done camping with Occupy just because I think it's better for bipolar folks who need proper sleep to spend her nights with a roof over her head and a decent bed with enough blankets. My first manic episode was escalated in part to the fact I was sleeping on a thin skinny child's bed for weeks and weeks. Also all that effexor pushed me over.

That's the thing, people want to blame the pot for me being crazy but my use has been pretty consistent for years and the main things that caused my manic episodes was all that effexor and the second time it was me going off my meds. Oh yeah and both times I went crazy I was also falling in love and THAT fucks me over sometimes. Love is really stressful. I think I could fall in love now and not get all fucked up though, because I'm on meds that work.

My antipsychotics are SO POWERFUL that they render the effects of mushrooms to absolutely nil! There's absolutely no point in me doing psychedelics anymore. So I don't.

I guess it's a good sign. Especially since if I run out of meds or forget too many days in a row I start hearing music in the white noise. Ooooh I hate that feeling!!! I KNOW deep in my heart of hearts that I am hearing it because I am CRAZY and sometimes I strain really hard to hear English words in it, but I never do. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that reassures me is knowing I at least have the insight still to resume taking my medication as soon as I am due for the next dose. Whew!

Life's crazy when you're a crazy person. Weird shit happens.

Oh yeah, but lies I tell myself.

There are some lies I tell myself, to try and make myself be better. One of them is that if I quit smoking, my ex will take me back and we will have a real relationship finally with long range plans and a King sized bed and a blended family of cats and dog. With such a great fantasy reward, you would think I would have quit smoking by now. But it's not true, which I know, so it hasn't really made me as committed to quitting. I should really be focused on my main concern about smoking, which is that I don't want to get cancer and die a painful death relatively young. I would like to make it at least to 70! 80 even! After that I don't care. Geriatric chronic conditions suck. Alzheimer's, Osteoporosis, ugh! But I can at least do all I can now to be healthy. I already do so much just to have proper brain health. But then I smoke and could blow out an artery in my brain with a stroke and be dead or crippled. Aaaaaaaaah! I WANT TO QUIT! It's not worth the little buzz you get. Cigarettes deaden taste and smell and make me less kissable. Wah!

What other lies do I tell myself?

I tell myself that I just have to make amazing art and everyone will want to give me money and help me live as a full time artist. But that's not true either. I don't know many people who can live as full time artists.

Today my mom asked me, "What would be better for you? To have a job or to have your own business?" And I said "I think to have my own business because then I can take time off to go do residencies and stuff." And I think it's true. I really have to do some cpr on my fledgling business. I need some clients. That's really the only thing in my way. I should get some cards made.

I might be digitizing some material for someone soon. That would be good, I could get a bit of money into my business bank account.

I tell myself all kinds of lies about how I could be a better person to be an appropriate partner for my ex, but it's all so ridiculous. Quitting smoking is the least of them. I also think about doing grand projects like making a feature film with some underpaid actors and my video camera and entering it into Cannes and winning the Palm D'Or. And I think to myself "That will show her I have ambition!" And in my head I am shaking my little fist heavenward.

My Mom recently told me Lady Gaga lives with her parents too, even though she has all this money. I think she is telling me that to make me feel less weird about living in her house. And now also living with my cousin Steven and his kid. It's a multigenerational household! :O

I feel dubious as to how many dates I can realistically score while I am living at home. I'm allowed to bring girls home, I have in the past, I don't feel weird about it. But the ladies feel weird about it. That's what I think, anyway.

I think I will fail at bettering myself if I am just chasing an elusive relationship that's never going to happen. I need to be more focused on making my life count whether or not someone else is in it.

Weirdo! I'm a weirdo! :O

So Deanna hasn't posted anything on facebook in a while. And I don't really know where she is. It's kind of a concern, although last night someone saw her at a rally. So she's sort of AWOL. I don't know what's up. Le sigh!

Last night I had this intensely emotional dream, in a good way. And I woke up and was all goofy and smiley for a while. And then I remembered none of it was real and was disappointed. But I got over it. I like being entertained while I am sleeping.

I went to Partner's In Employment because it's a condition of me being on Welfare, and they offered to let me do a Vocational Evaluation which takes about two weeks and will tell me what jobs I am suited for. It's in January - February. Until then I am just going to hang on and keep poking around for jobs of some sort. Or freelance creative various things. We'll see. I still have to make this super 8 film too!

I can't think properly at this hour or with this much alcohol in me.

It is weird being in love with someone who loves me back but doesn't want to be with me. I always thought love was enough, but it's NOT! :O Once my mom told me about how she used to ask the universe to bring her a man to fall in love with but they would turn out to have some glaring issue like being married technically or being gay all the way or other things and eventually she gave up asking the universe to bring her a man to love because it was like the universe was finding every loophole to sabotage it. That's how I feel! Oh man. You have to be so specific when you ask the universe for something.

I'm a weirdo. That's probably the problem! Also I smoke, which is another problem. But really truly I am going to quit for good soon. I did a whole month recently, like in September or something.

I should go to bed. Maybe I will have another nice dream.

Pre-Occupied

One day I hadn't heard from my cousin Deanna for a couple days, maybe less even, and I commented on a mutual friend's post about not wanting to die on Hastings. And I just said something like "Me neither." And then Deanna posted on it "Yeah I am in Van and I totally avoid that area." And I was like WTF???? Because she hadn't said goodbye or anything. I thought it was a joke.

But no, she spent her last dollars on a bus ticket and is now living at Occupy Vancouver!!!! :O

That's really far away! She did say if she got the chance she was going to be in Vancouver, so I guess that is what she did. It seems crazy! Everyone is worried because Occupy Vancouver has a 2pm deadline tomorrow to get out "or else!" Well, I don't think they said "or else" but it was implied, and they're going to throw their stuff away. And do I don't know what with the people.

So here I am, powerless in Saskatoon while Deanna goes off to save the world. I could point her to some people in Vancouver who know how to live on next to nothing there and where the free food is, but she is all about the movement right now. I'm just worried it will totally disperse and she'll be homeless in Vancouver, which is way more of a fuck show than being homeless in Saskatoon, where she knows a lot of people. And call me crazy but all the chanting in all the occupy videos remind me of that film we watched on cults in high school where the fresh faced hero gets brainwashed to the shouts of "Juicyfruit, juicyfruit! Rah rah rah!" I have mixed feelings about Occupy.

So you can call me PreOccupied.

She will probably be fine, she hates when people worry. And who knows, maybe she will end up in a Vancouver jail cell with drag marks on her legs. Or maybe the people will prevail and it will all be a heartwarming scene with heroic Occupiers waving their fists in front of the VAG, free to live another night on the front lawn.

Occupy the VAG!!!

Hopefully she will be fine and have some crazy adventure story to tell her children, when she has some. And it's true I know people who have up and moved to Vancouver and made it work. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she will land on her feet. She's been fed for free this far! And she's been there a while now.

I guess the grim underbelly of Vancouver is what I worry about, it's so ridiculously expensive to live there and the occupations that will allow you to live reasonably decently there are sketchy. And plus all the free food places are in sketched out neighborhoods. I dunno. But what do I know, it's been five years since I've lived in Vancouver, six almost, and it has changed a lot in the meantime. Maybe there's a magical Quatchi's Inn where poor people can go to eat and sleep and smoke weed in their bedrooms for no money. Well whatever. And now I am going to be in trouble for writing a worrywart blog post.

I just don't want to have to fly out to Vancouver and put up posters of her. But I have felt that about all my native girl cousins who live in BC. It's just not a good place to be a Native woman, considering how many go missing there. But yes, I lived there, and only had one really dodgy night with some crazy old punk and his roommate he was kicking out who had pitbulls. Oh yeah, and that one old lady who called me a pedophile in the street because she mistook me for someone else. Okay, and that guy with the blood on him who said "Canada~!" at me and shook his bloody nose on my shirt. That was sketchy too.

But there are also lots of good people in Vancouver. It's just a big city with big city problems. But Deanna has never lived in a big city before. But neither did I before I was 18. And she's way older than I was when I moved there.

Ha ha, listen to me be an old fuddy duddy! We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow at 2pm.

8621 words and HOLDING! Damn . . .

Life got in the way of me continuing to write. First I had five days of drinking in a row, and I am not sure how I did that but I managed and felt pretty gross after. Such a binge! And I didn't even mean to binge, it's just people kept inviting me out or else I was home drinking with my cousin or else there was wine with dinner. Either way, it made me feel like a deficient writer because everyone was like "You can't write when you are drunk!" Although I kind of think I have in the past.

So whatever, I drank and didn't write and now I have taken a couple days off but got a six pack and now I am writing again. And tipsy. AND I DON'T CARE!

Ha ha, no, I probably do care I just don't want to talk about it.

You know something I realized about my marijuana use is that I do use it medically pretty much. I know all these people say marijuana is bad for crazy people, but there is also some pretty good research that indicates some active parts of marijuana help people with bipolar disorder. And although SOME people don't handle marijuana well mentally, SOME people also don't tolerate the same psychiatric medication I am on, for whatever reason. It's like all psych type meds, not effective for everyone but for some it's really good.

I dunno. I just know I am not grouchy when I have it and I feel a bit more even. And for someone with a mood disorder, "even" is a great state to be in. Not all teetertotery and shit.

I did hear about a doctor who will actually prescribe medical marijuana in this area, which surprised me because so few will. I'm still waiting to hear the results of the study Cannibinoids in Bipolar Affective Disorder so I can take it with me and say "See!" Or not take it.

WHat else? I am getting used to this multigenerational extended family household. Currently I live with my Mom, my Cousin Steven, and half time his son Kristjan. It's a pretty full house! It's been strange adjusting, but I have lived with Steven and Mom before, after Steven got assaulted in this fucked up house he was living in where there was a weed whacker murder in the garage!

Oh man, I totally walked away and got distracted.

8014 words!

It's an hour after the end of November 6th and I have surpassed my goal of getting 7000 words done, I am now sitting at a comfortable 8014 words. Still behind the daily goals, I didn't write at all for a few days because I didn't know what to write, and then I wrote over five thousand words yesterday. I stayed up until five in the morning doing it and totally fucked myself over because at Noon we had to go out and finish dropping off Judy Junor's leaflets. We also did some Data Entry at the Campaign Office this afternoon, and then we had dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and visited for a bit, so I had a really late start on my writing. But I made it! :D I am going to work really hard on getting it all out.

I've decided to write about my lived experiences with Bipolar. I went to a coffeeshop on Saturday afternoon and wrote for a few hours and then came home and typed it up. I had just typed in the last word when my foot hit the power bar and it shut the computer down. What followed was some loud swearing and frantic messing about trying to get the computer to work. The computer was being really slow starting up because it had been turned off so rudely. It kept freezing at the login screen and making me anguished. I had written three pages! Nooooo! I didn't want to spend an hour retyping the whole thing again. But lucky for me the auto recovery worked and I only had to retype the last paragraph.

I'm behind in where I should be, I should have finished 10,002 words today to be on target for getting 50,000 by the end of the month. But I can do some more marathon writing sessions. I wrote about when I got my heart broken and made myself cry. Which is funny, because I cry so rarely. It was cathartic I think. It was a silent cry, tears streaming down my face as I tickety tacked typed. It was good, even though it gave me a big lump in my throat.

I'm excited to be writing, although I know it's all jumbled up and will need some revisions once the month is up. I've never tackled such a huge goal in such a short time. I've got sixteen pages now, although it is divided up into chapters so a couple pages only have one paragraph on them.

Tonight I was standing outside smoking and thinking and remembered that I am (if all goes according to plan) going to Australia and Germany next spring and summer respectively. BIG TRIPS! I have never been to Australia before, and I am pretty excited. This blog is one of the things that is going to be featured as part of the reason I am out there, along with some videos. I've never had anyone want to show my blog as a valid art project. I'm curious how it will be received.

Oh man my back aches, I am not sitting right when I write, I write all hunched over and fuck myself over. I need to practice better writing posture, more relaxed writing posture.

I need to fall in love again, with someone new who is actually a possibility. I'm tired of being in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even if she does love me. I will always love her, but I need a more active love, someone who wants to have sex and live together and get married and have back rubs and who I can take care of and who will take care of me until we are both dead and cremated. I'd like to have a girlfriend I can introduce to my grandparents, because they are in their 90's and on the way out and I really want them to meet a sweetheart of mine. They never have met any of my other lovers.

I'm thinking of doing Script Frenzy in April, where you write a script all month, it's an offshoot of NaNoWriMo. Although I might be in Australia for a couple of weeks then and spending time in another country writing doesn't appeal to me when I could be doing a bunch of other things. They also have a challenge where they invite you to tackle a big life goal over the course of a year. I am thinking of giving that a shot, but I have no ideas what I want to do.

New Bed Day

I've been babbling about it since yesterday on Facebook when we went and bought MY NEW BED!!!! It's queen sized and has a bamboo fibre pillowtop and it's so cozy. BUT when they delivered it today they couldn't get the boxspring down the stairs. So tomorrow they are delivering a split boxspring. I hope it's still comfy. This is the first time I have gotten a bed with a boxspring. BOXSPRING!

I have stalled altogether on my Novella. I don't know what to write. And I did so well that first day, even though I didn't meet the minimum number of words I need to write. I was going to write a satire on the new common experience of adults going back to live with their parents in these wintery economic times. But I don't know how to make it interesting. I kind of just wrote it like it was about me exactly, right down to the mice eating my popcorn.

I just discovered the wonders of Zinc Oxide on a burning butt! I kept going to the bathroom and it was BURNING! So I got saved by Zinc Oxide and Pepto Bismol! Ta Da!

Home remedies are great.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, the wonderous Dr. Conacher, and found out I have lost even more weight. I am down to 187.2 pounds! That's amazing! I am starting to be able to take off my size 14s without undoing the zipper or button. Which does worry me because I don't want to go out and buy all new jeans again. I'd like to stay at this weight, and be the girl with the little round tummy. Anyway, Dr. Conacher thinks I am doing so well that I don't need to see her again until April! :D BUT I have to get my bloodwork done, so they know I am not being poisoned by my Epival. And that I haven't developed diabetes from my antipsychotic.

A girl told me I was cute last Friday when I went out, but of course I was drunk and stupid and just stammered. I don't know what to do when girls think I am cute! I mean, I know what to do eventually when they take me to bed, but getting there is really really hard for me! I just stammer and twiddle my toe in the dust. I wish I didn't come off so standoffish. I need to practice asking girls out.

I did try asking girls out on Plenty Of Fish, or just making conversation anyway, but no one replied to my messages. REJECTED! Maybe I should put up a photo of myself that doesn't have fangs in it. I just wanted to show off my goofy side!

I am so excited to sleep on the top half of my new bed! I hope Hermione doesn't pee on it, she was very excited to jump about on it and we played "I'm gonna get you!" and she did that cute backwards jump several times. I love dogs. I just don't like it when they pee on my bed. Especially NOT A NEW BED! :O

Mmmmmm, new mattress! So cozy! I'm excited. I have wanted a real grown up persons bed for a long time. I was fine with futons, but I yearned for more. Maybe I will ask a girl out soon and actually get a girlfriend who will come over for sleepovers! :D

NaNoWriMo

I've been tossing around the idea of writing a book for a while now. I like writing, and maybe I could make a few cents off my royalties from the few people who would buy it. Maybe I will write a best seller. I think I need to write about a murder to get a best seller though, they seem to be crime books that end up on that list. I don't really want to write about murder though. Bleh!

I decided to participate this year in NaNoWriMo, also known in long form as National Novel Writing Month. Every November people from all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. That is approximately 1666 words a day, or three pages. THREE PAGES! Single spaced! It's kind of hard for me. So far. Also my cousin Deanna came over yesterday and parked herself on the computer during prime writing time so I didn't finish up what I had planned. I made it to 992 words. So far short of 1666 words! Three pages a day equals 21 pages a week! :O

It was kind of a whim. I might give up halfway, but it's a good challenge. It will at least make me think, which might help my other challenge which is to make a Super 8 film, in Colour! :D By January! :O It's like an assignment. I have to think of something to do with it. So far writing has not given me any ideas. Which is too bad.

That Elephant who was friends with a dog lost her friend, Bella the dog died of a coyote attack. The poor Elephant, they mourn like humans. They even cry when they are sad. Elephants break my heart, the world is so hard on them.

My cousin has started living with us, because of his relationship teetering on breaking up and so forth. So now we have him, and his kid sometimes, and it is going well so far except for the night I gave him some E and he bothered me for half an hour for a cigarette or more E. Sigh! I have quit smoking again, just because I am tired of giving him cigarettes and not having any is the easiest way to get around it. He can buy his own cigarettes. We're building a suite for him in the basement and in the meantime he is living in Sky's room. Soon to be moving to the room I am in now, the computer room. And the computer room will be in a smaller room. One whole house and there are very few available rooms left. And the basement has no more carpet.

This morning Kristjan, the little boy, woke up at 5:30. Hola!

Anyway, now I am off to run errands, I think I am going to work on my novel when I get back. So far I want to write a parody of living with my mom at the age of 33. can it be interesting at all?

Belly Button Better

My scab finally fell off my bellybutton and I rejoiced. I was tired of feeling all wounded and ugly. Now I have a crusty scar. In the end I discovered there were no stitches from my surgery, I was all held together with Steri-strips. My incisions were actually really small, I swear one is only a centimeter long. I feel back to myself and I am sure I am still healing, but it feels pretty DONE! Whew! I remember the first day I felt all gross because my innards felt like they were moved around. Now they have fallen back into place, and all that carbon dioxide is out of me.

So that is the update on the gallbladder surgery. I still haven't gone to Gibsons for fish and chips, because I was too scared! But now I think I am ready to try it out. The fattiest fish and chips EVER!!!!!

Maybe I should top it off with a deep fried mars bar!

Or better yet, a banana fritter!

I'm a sucker for banana fritters. They had really good ones at the fringe this year, whole bananas all frittered and fried, hot and covered in honey and whipped cream! OMG! So good!

My business is still not getting any income, but I am getting a second chance at working more or less full time on it. Saskatoon Tribal Council offers income assistance while you are getting self employed. I had to get a business license and a business bank account first. I now have those! I have to find a frame for my license. Or I could just tack it up I guess. It has to be displayed prominently, but my office is still not set up and won't be for a while.

I am also applying to SIEF for five thousand dollars to get a laptop and software to start out with. That's really all I need at first. And hopefully I can get some contracts and start making money to buy more things for my business, along with paying myself an income. I was going to ask for 15,000, but realistically I don't want to be on the hook for that much money. If I fail miserably a five thousand dollar loan is much easier to pay back than three times that amount.

There is a Simply Accounting class they are also going to pay for, so that I know how to do my books. AND they will probably also get me some driver training.

I did really good at quitting smoking, I had four weeks done when I slipped by smoking some pipe tobacco all rolled up in a rolling paper, and then I just wanted a bit more, and some more, and then I was smoking again for real, with my own pack of smokes even, not bumming them off people. Brought down by some of the grossest tobacco ever! I don't recommend rolling up pipe tobacco. I felt like a failure. I want to try and quit again. I know I can get further than four weeks. It's just those slips that get me. Soooo, well hopefully soon I can get myself sorted.

I went to my concurrent disorders education group last week and learned about the effects of marijuana. But not much was new to me. This week they are talking about anxiety disorders. I don't really have a problem with anxiety with the meds I am on, so I think since I can only do an hour I am going to go to the drop in after the education group. I feel like getting some support! Actually tonight is the bipolar support group too. I wonder if I should go. I went for pizza and elections last week. PIZZA! I don't really know why I am going to support groups, they are kind of goofy and I don't even have anything I really want to share, except with maybe the concurrent disorders group because we all have mental health AND addiction issues in common. One other thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of men who go to the groups and not so many women.

It's nearly November and I don't have a job. I've been on Welfare for October and I am getting November's money on Friday. I'll pay my rent and have a bit for fun and bus passes and my phone, but then I will be broke again. Frig, I forgot about my stupid phone.

There goes 55 bucks! Buckaroos!

It's Halloween weekend. I am going out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday unless something REALLY fabulous comes up and I have enough money.

I need to send my camera in to Sony for fixing. Maybe I should call Matrix video and see if they can fix a Sony camera for me. It's not under warranty anymore, I will have to pay for it. BLEH! UGH! But I need a camera.

I have been commissioned to make a Super 8 film by January. I really don't know what to make it about, I am thinking furiously! What topic really needs to be addressed? I already committed myself to making a video about being butch with my grant, so I can't do that idea. I would love to make some porn, but I don't have a counterpart who would fuck with me on camera. I can't even convince someone to fuck me off camera. And I don't know any hot to trot lesbian couples in Saskatoon who I want to make a porno with. It's going to have to be experimental with a narrative, but what the hell is the narrative? And what imagery would I use? It's distressing. I wish I didn't have a big ass creative block. Stupid block. I need some kind of brain flushing. I need to brainstorm. Hmm. I really want to veer back into making queer queer queer films. And I also have to keep in mind the medium. Super 8 is different than video. The rolls I am getting are colour too. Which is exciting. I thought colour was dead. So it has to be colourful too. AaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhH! Creativity fart! There's a tumbleweed rolling around in my head.

I have to write a script! What has been bothering me??? What is relevant to the larger society from a marginalized little human like me? What hasn't been said about being queer? And why oh why can't I find someone to have sex with me on camera???? I wish I even had an ex lover in town who would give me a spin just for old times sake and the sake of lesbian porn. See, if I hadn't been celibate for most of my life, I would totally be pumping out the sex tapes. I love sex! I just don't have it very often.

Maybe I should make a version of my Mars tape for the Super 8 festival. I dunno. I think I need more money for that. Better to wait.

It's hard being a lesbian making lesbian art without some good old fashioned lesbian fucking involved. It's not show stopping. Dammit! I need to get some inspiration. Nudity is boring too, without sex. Plus with the weather the way it is, nudity is not a good idea.

Hands Up! Baby Hands Up! Give me Your Love Give me Give me Your Love!

Today is International Fisting Day! So since I don't have a lover at the moment and can't celebrate today by actual fisting activity, I thought I would write about it.

I think my first introduction to fisting was in a Pat Califia book, Macho Sluts. I would have been seventeen or something when I read about it. I didn't do it for a while though, and the first time it did happen was almost accidental.

She was my fourth lover and was just doing me with her hand when it just naturally slipped inside. I remember her asking me "Doesn't that hurt?" But it didn't. I was really turned on and receptive and it was amazing how even the gentlest movements inside me were driving me wild.

To be honest, I haven't done much fisting since. Just a few times. When I was on the other side of the fist, with my hand deep inside my girlfriend I remember the awe I felt that she was being so vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling this pink feeling, I really don't know how to describe it.

I have heard some misadventures with fisting, like people who don't do it right and end up making their partner bleed for a few days. I think that would be really mortifying. But I don't hear about misadventures as much as some would think.

So VOILA! Here is a Link on fisting from Babeland! Because I know you want to try it now, and were about to ask "But how can I fist my lover?"

Also someone on the facebook page mentioned this handy hint for femmes with long nails who want to fist, just put cotton balls in the tips of a latex glove and go to town! So brilliant, I wish I had thought of that when lover number Five was trying to fist me and had long nails. (It was unsuccessful)

I really do miss fisting. The last time I had sex we could have fisted maybe, except I wasn't open enough for it to be possible really. My vagina really is not always the same size, it totally fluctuates and I am not sure why. I suppose I could Ask Jeeves! LOL! Does anyone ask Jeeves anymore?

Anyway, there is my fisting blog, because when it comes to International Fisting Day, I am always ready to lend a hand! More awareness! More Fisting in porn! Yeah!

First Surgery! Hopefully the last!

On Monday at around four pm I went under general anesthetic and had my gallbladder removed. I was pretty nervous, but the staff and surgeon and anesthesiologists and so forth were very calming and explained exactly what was going to happen to me and what I would feel like after. Going under was weird, they put a mask over my face and at first it was alright breathing and then it was hard getting my breathe out and then boom, I was out. I don't remember anything until I woke up moaning in the recovery room. I was drifting in and out and making noises every so often and I was getting really annoyed by these nurses having a conversation beside me because I just found their voices so grating! Ha ha, but then they wheeled me off to my shared room on the post surgical ward. My bed pissed me off because it was this air mattress that kept adjusting itself and filling up with air and then deflating again. And they put a blood pressure thing on my legs and my arm had a cuff that kept inflating and squeezing me. When they finally took it off I was relieved. I had an IV in for most of the night and kept adjusting myself and asked for painkillers twice and an anti-nausea drug once.

The next day the doctor saw me at 7am and told me they were sending me home, but then the nurses wanted to wait until after breakfast. I almost cried. Then after breakfast the nurses decided since it was the first meal I had since going under, they would wait until after LUNCH for me to be discharged. I almost cried again. I wanted to go home so bad! Finally I ate part of an egg salad sandwich and some cream of broccoli soup and they decided I was well enough to leave.

I didn't realize the roads were so bumpy until Mum drove me home. Ugh! I came home and basically slept and slept and slept. I ached. It was awful.

Then today I woke up after a bizarre dream of this crazy sex toy store with an insertable fake lizard, and I felt good enough to actually move about and not have naps and we went out and ran some errands. I got shampoo and conditioner and soap and body wash, and we got some premade meals from M&M meats. I had my first post-surgical shower and patted my incisions/punctures dry.

I can't lift anything heavier than ten pounds. I think my dog is twelve pounds. But I have been lifting him up, and so far so good. He was really confused at first that his mum wasn't being all sweet on him like I usually am when I first came home, but since then he and I have had some snuggles.

I am excited to go have gibson's fish and chips this week, but I am still nervous. Even though the doctor said I could have anything I wanted to eat now. I wanted to wait because for the first day everything tasted like anesthetic and was gross and made me want to puke. Now food is more appetizing. But until today, we didn't have much food that I wanted to eat.

I am taking extra strength tylenol AND ibuprophen as per doctor's orders, and the pain level has been more manageable than when I was in the hospital. It hurts if I press against something though, like the counter at the bank, for instance. But I've been doing pretty good. I am actually surprised at how well I am doing, especially considering how miserable I was yesterday. I am looking forward to two weeks from now when the stitches are out and I am doing well. Everything is looking up from here!

The only bad thing is I had to take out my hood piercing before surgery, and I have had trouble getting the damn thing back in! I am hoping this is due to my ineptitude and not because it has grown back in already. I really wish I had a girlfriend, then I would ask for her assistance. As it is, I have no one to help me!

Empowering My Sober Self

It has been four days today without any weed, and I am feeling good! I still really really want to try this experiment of going six weeks without weed, which is how long it takes to get out of your system. I'd be able to pass a drug test! BUT my cousin in law who is studying to be an addictions counselor says it really takes three months to start noticing the benefits of being free from the green. Still, a six week goal is a start, and then I could evaluate if I want to be clean for longer. If it is working for me.

I'm a little crabby, but that is to be expected. It's something I can shake off.

I've been reading this really good book called Empowering Your Sober Self: The LifeRing Approach to Addiction Recovery, by Martin Nicolaus. It really takes groups like AA/NA to task over how they pathologize people with addictions to make them diseased, powerless, morally deficient, and full of character defects. It also explains how the liquor industry really promoted this idea of alcoholism as a disease that affects a small percentage of the population, whereas this book says ANYONE can become an alcoholic if they drink enough. Or drug addict, I suppose.

If marijuana is not addictive, how come so few people can stop?

But anyway, the book really spoke to me. I went to a couple of AA meetings and one NA meeting and never went back. I didn't like the lord's prayer and I didn't like admitting I was powerless because that seems really self defeating. In this book I am reading it explains that if you do get sober through AA, it is attributed to your higher power, while if you don't get sober it is blamed solely on you! That's so true! And it even has a section on how the powerless model is bad for women and minorities who need to be EMpowered. AND there is no scientific evidence that alcoholism or drug addiction is a disease at all.

I went to the Concurrent Disorders Education Group yesterday and learned about stress and how it works and how to manage it better, without relying on weed and stuff. I also got the schedule for all the topics of the education group from now until January. They are having one group all about marijuana and it's effects on persons with psychiatric illnesses. I wanted to stay for the support group part of it, but two hours is a bit long for me, although I mostly wanted to say I had finally been clean for three days in a row. It's a big achievement!

Rendering Pines, Rendering Pines

I am writing a blog while I wait for my support material to render on my computer downstairs. I almost wasn't going to apply for this round of SAB grants, but then I finally got my final report in, and I just thought, well, maybe I should give it another shot. I haven't applied in a long time and I am asking for way less than I have in the past. About 6000, unless I change my mind and try for 7500. But not 17000 or anything major. I just want to get a couple months of living allowance and rental money for equipment and travel money and so forth. I asked these fine folks in Hamburg if I could do a residency next year in the summer and they said yes and sent me some letters of invitation to include with my grant application. SOOOOOO I am giving it a shot. I really hope I get it, because I have a good small project in mind about being a Butch woman. And also because I would like to spend more time in Germany. I just really like it.

So that's what is happening with my career. The Mars project is on the backburner for now, but I am still hoping something wonderful will happen and I can get development money. It's such a good idea!! Sigh. I might have to become a millionaire and make it with my pin money.

I wrote most of my project description for my grant today and used arty words like "performative", hopefully that is a point in my favour. I didn't go wild with the arty words, just enough! It's a delicate balance. I don't want to make the reader feel stupid and resentful of me and not want to give me money.

I haven't gotten any dates out of Plenty Of Fish yet. There seem to be a lot of very young people on the site and I am sort of looking for folks between 25 and 45. That's a twenty year age span, surely it is a large enough net to ensnare some lucky girl!

This week I found out I am getting surgery FOR SURE on Monday, THIS MONDAY!!!! The same day my grant is due. I have to see my family doctor tomorrow for a history and physical form and also to go over my medications and see if there are any I have to stop taking for the general anesthetic. I'm nervous I will have some terrible interaction and wake up to them defibrillating me or some such shit! But all I can do is trust the doctors and my surgeon. I've never been put under, I am worried I will get all panicky! But I will be out so fast and then wake up seemingly seconds later and it will be done. I have to spend a night in the hospital. I am planning to read about the holocaust. I didn't mean to read about something so depressing, but I got Night by Elie Wiesel from the used bookstore when we took our books there, and I dunno, it seems like it would hold my attention. I'll take some other books too. Maybe Whatever Happened To Princess Paragon, which is a REALLY good book and one I re-read at least once every three years. It's been about three years since I last read it, so I may as well read it again. Plus it is so entertaining.

I've been to the welfare office this morning. It wasn't as antagonistic as I worried it would be. Actually she was really nice, she meaning the intake worker. I got my direct deposit form in and my other supporting documentation, so hopefully next week I will get some cash to pay my rent. I also got a form to take to the transit office to continue my 20 dollar bus passes for the next six months. AND a new form for the leisurecard program. It lets me into civic facilities like the pools and gyms and tracks for free! I got one last year and only used it once. This time I will really really use it!

Well, it seems like it has been long enough that I can go downstairs again and check on my support material. Tomorrow is my last day on the needle job!!! :'( Sob! I am going to miss it, but also it is getting too hard to find them with all these yellow leaves everywhere. I won't have a reason to wake up at 8am anymore! I still will though, I don't want to get all in a rut and wake up at noon everyday again. I hate missing the part of the day with the sun.

Wee Wee Cars

When my cousin Steven was a little boy, he called Police cars, Wee Wee Cars. Because of the noise they make. Wee wee wee wee.

I've been applying for jobs still, and still not getting called in for any interviews. I finally removed my BFA from my resume in the hopes that being less educated will get me more attention from hiring managers. Kinda sucks, but maybe it will help. Most of the jobs I am applying for, with some exceptions, don't give a damn if I have a BFA in film and video. In fact, that might make me overqualified.

I used to think maybe my job at the Avenue Community Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity was what was keeping people from calling me back, but it doesn't say "for Gender and Sexual Diversity" on my resume. Who knows?

I have an appointment next week for getting on Welfare. BLAH! The good thing is it will give me another leisure pass for a year, and six more months of 20 dollar bus passes. I've had 20 dollar bus passes for the last year, because of being on welfare and then being on Skills Training Benefit. It sure was sweet! A pass is 71 dollars a month normally, for such sketchy Saskatoon service. Sundays the buses don't even run past 9, and the rest of the time they stop at quarter after midnight. Which seems to run counter to reducing drunk driving. If Saskatoon really wanted to reduce drunk driving, they should have buses run until 2:30. At least on the weekends.

I am feeling politically frustrated with the Conservative government. I recently found out that growing six pot plants will get you a longer sentence than if you rape a toddler or make a five year old have sex with a dog. It's pretty sick! What the fuck?? Pot should just be decriminalized, even though I agree it is addictive.

I haven't had any pot today! :D I am feeling pretty good about that. It's really hard for me to go without, but I am doing okay. I haven't even thought about it that much. Maybe I can get over my marijuana addiction now. It's such a stupid addiction. I wish I could control it, but when I have it I just smoke and smoke until it is gone! I've burned through so much weed. SO MUCH! And it hasn't really gotten me anywhere I want to go. It's made me sluggish and stupid and lazy and it kicks my creativity in the ass in a bad way. I think better and have more energy when I am clean.

I am currently reading a book from the library called Empowering Your Sober Self. It's not a 12 step based program, it's called LifeRing and it is based more on building up your sober side than destroying your addict side. However it does require abstinence. And while I am clean for today, it is hard for me to say I will be clean tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Still, a secular approach to recovery is much more in tune with my needs. I don't believe in a higher power restoring me to sanity, it makes more sense for me to restore it myself.

I have been struggling with atheist questions. I don't think I am an atheist though, I think I am a Buddhist. That goes more along with what I believe to be spiritually true. And I like that Buddhist leaders say that you should always question what is taught with scientific truths and discard what doesn't ring true anymore. That's something Christians don't do. I don't believe every word of the Bible is true, that is for sure. I know it was written by falliable humans.

I won my second free play in a row on Lotto Max! Now the jackpot is 40 million and I am hoping my ticket is extra lucky!

I also learned in my Sober Self book that addicts of all stripes have two opposing factions within themselves, the side that wants to continue drinking/drugging, and the side that wants to stop and become sober. That's EXACTLY like me! I feel like I should get to know people closer to my age and not just in their twenties when drinking and drugs is a way of life. People closer to my age seem more invested in putting this kind of thing behind themselves. I don't know.

It could be worse, I could be doing meth! That would suck, start eating my own scabs. EW!

This all being said I have to admit I am having a beer while I write all this.

I recently got a Plenty of Fish profile and am going to try online dating. I don't know how I will do. People I have talked to have had good luck with it though. Already I found some very very cute mixed race folks. So maybe maybe maybe I will get some dates out of it.

My mom tells me I am hard to have a conversation with. I guess this is true. But sometimes, I dunno, it just seems like too much effort to try and have a conversation. LOL!

A million is not what it used to be.

I apologize for how my last post was all squished together with no paragraph breaks, I was trying the new Blogger interface and IT SUCKS! I don't like it, I switched back.

I am home alone, I have been home alone for a few days now, Mom's coming back into town today after supper. I have to do the dishes still. My cousin ate almost all our bread. And we are poor! :( Bread is getting pricey, it's four or five bucks for a loaf now. Makes me think we should make our own.

I kind of fell off the no smoking wagon by accident last night. What I mean is I smoked a joint that turned out to have some tobacco in it. Sneaky sneaky!!! :O I feel awkward about this, it makes me wonder if I should only stick to joints I personally roll. I don't want to get triggered into smoking again. Tobacco is pretty gross, people shouldn't mix it with something as nice as marijuana.

Last night I saw Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS in glorious 35mm print. It was just as gross and sexy as I remember it. My friend Stef and I used to rent it from some alternative video store in Vancouver back in the mid nineties and laugh and laugh. Ilsa makes some pretty funny noises when she is having an orgasm.

I also saw a show at AKA and PAVED Arts last night called PsycheDADA which was pretty awesome. My favorite was my friend Keith Murray's installation.

Wow, what a review! Ha ha, I am not the best at writing reviews of shows.

I'm feeling frustrated by my lack of income. I've gotten in touch with people who say they have editing work for me, but then they just don't get in touch with me again. It's depressing me a bit because I know if I got just one decently sized job I could pay my rent and buy a macbook and the software required.

I also have to write a grant to make a video about being butch. I don't know if I will get a provincial grant to make such a queer video, but there is so little queer video being made in Saskatchewan that I think they should support it. I'm not even going to ask for very much, maybe five or six thousand dollars. I really want to make my Mars video, and I have been frustrated by the lack of financial support I have received to make it. People say I should make it anyway.

OMG! I have a ticket for Lotto Max, I should check it today! That would get me out of the house for twenty minutes. Well, fifteen probably, the corner store isn't very far. OH! But no one won the 20 million, it's up to 30 now. Lottery tickets feel like my only hope of getting out of poverty, it's depressing.
LATER: I just walked to the store all the way thinking "Please let me win 100 dollars!" I didn't win 100 dollars, but when I did check my ticket I won a free play for next week's draw for 30 million. So the hope stays alive for another week!

I really only buy lottery tickets just so I can day dream about what I will do with all that money. It would be so amazing. I could make any video I wanted to!

There are a few jobs coming up that I am going to apply for. I'm feeling a little silly applying for work right now, when I am six days away from surgery and will probably be out of commission for a little while. I don't want to get a job right away and then have to be home or at the hospital for a week healing. It would be kinda weird. Then again, I sort of HAVE to keep applying for work, just because my income is so terribly limited and once the snow falls I won't have a job at all! You can't pick up needles when they are under ice and snow.

I think there is something wrong with my resumes and cover letters, and I don't know what it is. I've tried everything it seems. I did a new resume listing off skills I have, but it still hasn't gotten me an interview.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Money sucks, I wish we could just barter. Or something. No, money is important, but it's also a terrible trap I think. And people kill themselves and other people over it. Sad.

Sometimes I wonder if it would really be such a good thing winning the lottery. I know I would have friends come out of the woodwork wanting my money, and that would be really awkward. And family. People have lost their entire winnings from others taking their money. That sucks. If I won I would want it to set me up for financial security for life. I don't imagine I would even spend that much, 30 million is a lot of dollars. Then again, the cost of living keeps going up and up and up! A million is not what it used to be.

It was three weeks this morning!

At 8:25 or so this morning, it was 3 weeks since I have had a cigarette! :D I am so excited about this. I have to remember I can't have one puff ever again of a cigarette, or I will be right back where I started. And I don't want to go through these last three weeks all over again. Not when I have come so far! Life has been uneventful otherwise. I have done my part time job and looked for other work and tried to get some editing contracts, unsuccessfully thus far. It's really too bad! I really need money. I tried to call in to the local radio station to win some money, but no such luck, the on air line was just busy. So oh well. I can try again. It would be nice to suddenly end up with 300 or 600 or 1000 dollars. Just to get some debt paid up. Like my rent. UGH! I feel bad for not having my rent this month. I did buy groceries though, but not a lot. I hate being poor. Nicotine Replacement Therapy is pretty pricey, about as much as the smoking habit costs, so I had to stop my nicorette lozenges today. I quit the patch last week, with no real problems. But I still had those lozenges to fall back on. And now I don't! I have tic tacs, but they aren't really as strong of a mint flavour as the lozenges were. I am looking for Altoids, but they don't seem to be sold everywhere like they used to be. Do you remember when Altoids were everywhere? Who knew I would look back fondly on those days? I'm always so damned wishy washy about pot. Well, I am not buying it right now. I am out. I have no intention of buying more anytime soon, but I can't make promises about the future. All I can say is right now I am going to take a break and then re evaluate. What I really need to do is take a six week break, the exact length of time it takes for the THC to get out of your system. Or, to stop showing up in drug tests anyway. I need to get my life together. Why is art labour so cheap? I wish I could get paid a decent amount of money for being creative. I don't even know why I am an artist. When I worry about getting food for my dog, I really question why I am a first nations lesbian video artist. It doesn't rake in the dough! If I hadn't failed a whole semester of university when I was going crazy in 2001, I could have gotten into at least one of the Masters programs I applied for, but I failed so I didn't get in. It fucked my GPA and I don't know how to ever fix it, even though I was descending into madness and it was just a doomed semester. I dropped out right after, if that gives you any indication as to my state of mind, and promptly moved to Montreal the following summer. Where all hell broke loose! But then I went back to school and finished my BFA and did all those credits again. But still, a whole semester of Fs! :O And I had never ever gotten a single F in my whole academic career before! I think a C is the worst I get usually. Mostly it's Bs. I am tired of feeling slowed down because of my pot use. I just think I really REALLY need to see what life is like without it. For a while anyway. I haven't even been getting very high lately, so it's kind of useless for me to smoke it. It just makes me feel relaxed, and I have been reading this quit smoking book called Think Quit and it has all these exercises in it for relaxation. And they work. So I am starting to realize that I have some options. I think it's really been just so I can relax that I smoke weed. I know there is a high feeling, but it's not always strong. Mostly it's just the relaxation I like. I don't want to go to treatment though. BLAH! I would feel silly talking about my weed use. In front of people getting off dilaudid or morphine or hard liquor or whatever. So I am going to keep going to my dual diagnosis group. Concurrent disorders, they call it. There are various names for addicted mentally ill folks. But anyway, I like this group because I feel like I fit in better, even though most of the people who come are men. I bought a Lotto Max ticket today for the 20 Million, I hope I win because then I can say to those people who call lotteries Stupidity Tax "I won 20 Million! Now who's stupid!" :D My neck hurts. I have been at the computer all evening looking at jobs. I applied for one. I think I wrote a better cover letter than my other ones. Maybe I will finally get an interview. I used to get interviews a lot easier. I wonder what has changed. I won't smell like a cigarette when I go to the interview, when I finally get one. That will be a point in my favour. I'm going to miss smoking stuff if I give up weed too. I still have some tea shisha, but I dunno, I am not super into it and I am also worried it is too close to tobacco for me to smoke, even though it is tea leaves instead of tobacco. So I wonder what I should do with my mouth instead of smoking. I should go outside and sing a song for five minutes and then come back in. That might be socially awkward, but if I held my hat out I might make some pocket change. Unless I am singing at home. In which case my Mom will make fun of me. I keep being in these dire situations with no money. I think I need to get a job that I commit to for longer than a year. Enough waiting on grants that never come! Also that reminds me, I still have to find out when APTN is accepting development proposals! Keep on trucking!