I think there is this really creepy tension sometimes between Lesbians and Straight Guys. It freaks me out. Especially when I have a Lesbian section on my Google News and keep reading slews of stories of "corrective rape" and murder of Lesbians in South Africa all the time. Straight guys are obsessed with Lesbians! Like, SUPER obsessed! I don't know if straight women are obsessed with Gay men, somehow I don't think so. But it's that whole challenge thing. Like they feel they have something to prove and want to make Lesbians into straight women. It's so FUCKING GROSS! Like, how much of a creep do you have to be?
I recently had a falling out with a friend because he kept making comments about "bringing you back to the good side" and fucked up shit like that. It creeped me out and made me feel unsafe. I don't think straight men realize how creepy they sound when they talk like that.
Creep creep creep!
I don't mind if guys flirt with me once in a while, although I don't flirt back, because flirting is pretty harmless. But making comments about converting someone's minority sexuality is pretty fucking EFFED UP! It's hard enough being a dyke without having some ignorant straight dude sexually harrassing me. And it was becoming this ongoing series of comments for the last few times we have gotten together, and it just REALLY pissed me off.
So I wrote an fb status about it and said get out of my life and now we are not friends. Officially. Because we aren't friends on fb. It's such a weird way of not being friends with someone, to go so far as to delete them from your contacts. Life in the 21st Century.
I'm kind of tired of having my lesbianism challenged by so many people. I should actually mention that it hasn't just been straight guys who have said I wasn't a lesbian, it's been straight women and trans men and when I was a teen some older lesbians said I couldn't be a lesbian yet because I was too young.
But you know what? The truth is, I HATE STUBBLY FACES AND FLAT CHESTS! It's not so much penises that turn me off, it's the whole rest of it. Privilege and taking up space and being uber hairy and too hot temperature wise and kinda smelly and having genitals that taste like bread dough is pretty unappealing to me as well. I AM SUCH A LESBIAN! OMG!
I dunno. Maybe if I had a girlfriend this whole thing would stop and I would get my Lesbian I.D. in the mail. I think people question my sexuality because there really aren't many Lesbians in the world, in comparison to say, bisexuals or straight people. So EVEN THOUGH I knew at fourteen I was a lesbian and not straight or even bisexual, even though I have never fallen in love with a man, even though I have never had a boyfriend, I still get my sexuality challenged.
I dunno, for some reason I think it's rude. I guess because I don't do it to other people. I mean, I could suspect someone is a different sexuality than what they are living, but I don't see the point in harrassing them about it or challenging them. Why not let people live lives the way they want? What is so wrong about me being a Lesbian that people believe my innate sexuality is a myth? What do I have to do to prove I am a Lesbian, and why should I have to prove it.
Everyone is surprised when they learn my first kiss and first sexual experience was with a girl, but it was. I was a nerd so it happened all on the same night when I was seventeen. I mean, if someone was going to kiss me and I really liked them and I had a chance, why not go all the way? But until then I spent three years being challenged on my sexuality because I was a virgin, and how could I know I was a Lesbian until I had sex? Which is a stupid thing to think. Straight people certainly don't get questioned about being straight if they are virgins.
It's all so weird. So anyway. So I don't have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Whatever. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by being exclusively romantic with women. Women are more romantic anyway. And they have such soft skin. And femmes are really beautiful. Well, so are butches, but I do like smart funny sophisticated beautiful femmes. And plus femmes are the ones who get me to open up and be vulnerable in intimate situations, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have that same dynamic with a dude. I can be just as inscrutable as the most detached male, so two of us together would be a BAD combination.
Amber Dawn once said I do better when I am in a relationship. I don't know how I feel about that. It's true I actually clean and keep myself more groomed when I am entertaining a lady on an ongoing basis. But also, I think I am more in touch with my deep feelings when I am having intimate conversations with a lover.
I still remember the morning after a night of great sex when I made Amber Dawn blueberry and mango crepes and told her I loved her. That was such a great day! :D See, women make me feel squishy feelings. And squishy feelings makes me do nice things for them.
I still like all my exes. They were pretty awesome. Too bad we had such a short time for a relationship, but then maybe I am remembering them in an idealized way. I am sure there were issues.
But anyway, yes, being a Lesbian is hard sometimes. I wish people would just learn to accept me as I am and quit trying to change me. And that includes people in the queer community.