I have now been smoke free for over 83 hours! I am amazed! I feel so much better, I've even gone out drinking a couple nights and didn't have a cigarette. I don't have that horrible shortness of breathe anymore where I felt all constricted and choking. I can smell things again, like the greenness of spring and the flowers and the air from the laundry drier. I'm feeling more positive about myself too.
This time felt almost easy to quit. I just had enough, and I am tired of quitting and failing. I have been quitting for over nine years. But except for that one six month stretch I haven't had much luck. I need to learn to accept that I can't have even one little puff of a cigarette. It would start all over again and I would feel shitty about myself and smell like stink and no one will want to kiss me!
But now I am more kissable! Hurrah!
Anyway, it's about time. I hate to think of what I did to my body while I was all depressed and wanting to die and smoking as a way out eventually. NOOOOO! Now I want to live and I don't want to die young from some smoking related illness. I don't want to live to be as old as my Grandma is now, but to be 85 would be decent. La la la. So I'm smoke free.
And actually, while I have been smoking cigarettes not at all I have also slowed down my use of pot! I am smoking less and less and feeling more energetic. I almost feel like I could give it up for a while. Almost. I am still not ready for that. Pot is how I relax, the way other people have a glass of wine. I know both can be indicative of more serious deep seated issues, but it's semi innocent. I hear that if I exercise more I will just naturally crave pot less and less. Which seems not so painful.
I dunno, but defeating one addiction has made me want to continue defeating the rest of them. Baby steps though. It really only has been three and a half days since my last smoke, so I can't get all cocky yet. And smoking weed has been kind of nice just because it is something to smoke. I should seriously consider buying that Magic Flight vaporizer if I want to keep my lungs healthier though. Joints can be pretty harsh!
So now I am a vegetarian non-smoker. I have to keep reminding my mom I am a vegetarian. She keeps forgetting, although not as badly as when she kept forgetting I was a boy. My six months of being a boy. I didn't like the clothes as much as when they are butch girl clothes though.
I almost gave up and ate beef the other day. I met my cousin Sharlene at Lydia's for the burger and fries you get with a pint and when they asked if I wanted veggie or beef I was so relieved and got the best veggie burger I have ever had! Well, until tonight the only veggie burger I had ever had, but I burnt my burger on the grill today so it wasn't that great.
So there you go veggies, you can eat the burgers at Lyds!
I sometimes want to leave Saskatoon, and then at other times want to become some eccentric character in Saskatoon like Lorraine the muumuu lady or Sailor Dan. No, I can never achieve that kind of fame here. If I started a queer fest here I could be famouser.
I am changing and I don't know what I am changing into. It's been going on for a while but it feels like only recently I have gotten the momentum to actually make changes to my life like cutting out meat and giving up cigarettes. I don't know if I will be a vegetarian forever, I guess we will see, but I sure hope the no smoking thing is for good this time. And what else is going to change? I don't know. I don't know what kind of person I am becoming. I wish I did have some idea of what I am evolving into. I don't want to become so health conscious I become sick, but a little bit of health consciousness would be good.
And I do still have a leisure card.
My gallbladder is still being a pain, I had a little bit of poutine last night and my stomach ached until the morning. YUCK! I have an appointment next tuesday at two with the Amazing Dr. Saffy to try and get some narcotics for when I have a gallbladder attack.
My fingers smell nice now that I don't smoke! Yay!
Anyway, because of the gallbladder I am eating less and less fat, I have started using this margarine that is made of mostly water because I am too afeard of butter!
I can't believe it's not fat!
Fat is goooooood, I miss it! I can get away with a little bit now and then, but not much! I'm looking forward to the day I can eat japanese pumpkin tempura again!
This blog is really mostly about my health, I wish I had more mental health issues to relate to you to spice it up, mental health porn. I forgot my morning meds three days in a row, made me kind of depressed. That's all there is to report. I am taking them normally again.
I sort of miss sex, but I feel like I am getting used to having none again. It's really only the first year without sex that is the hardest, after that they blend together!