Thursday, June 09, 2011

Super Labia!!!!

I have a friend who calls pubic hairs public hairs because of the way they suddenly show up when you least expect them, like while having a pleasant conversation with a platonic friend.

That story really doesn't relate to anything I will write about now, because I was just warming up.

I have been taking the bus so much lately, I think I was on the bus yesterday for two and a half hours altogether yesterday. In fact that is my handle on Twitter, LeZbusrider. I never put much thought into my online nicknames. I mean, really it should have been a more obvious nick like Thirza_Cuthand or something. But I was thinking about this Pat Califia writing where he said dykes ride motorcycles or the bus. Come to think of it maybe I should have made my nick Dyke on A Bus or something like that.

Public transportation is very important to me. And yet I have to get a license because we are moving to the country. To the close to Saskatoon Little Pine Reserve. It hasn't been built yet, I think they have to do some paperwork to get it reserve status. But then they will be building houses out there! :D It's right by Wanuskewin.

I am a little nervous about living in the country, even though there will be a bunch of houses together. I'm scared of eagles picking up Mister and wolves savaging Arthur and a Cougar eating me. I'm such an urban girl! I imagine I will get used to the country.

But what else? That's what I always say to my mom. What else?

Today I hear if I got this job being a street patroller and picking up used needles. I think it would be a fun job. As far as jobs go. I'd get exercise that's for sure.

Someone is worried about how much weight I have been losing. I can't really help it, my food situation is fucked because I can't have fat and I still don't know everything that triggers me being in pain. So I really am not eating very much. And I never ate much to begin with. When I was a teenager I could eat so much, but I can't anymore. I often feel rude because I don't clean the plate, hardly make a dent really. I have a weird relationship to food right now. I am thinking of introducing meat back into my diet but on a reduced amount, like twice a week, just so I am eating something. I don't know how to cook vegetarian well enough to do it all the time, I need to back off from it a bit. I really do want to be vegetarian. But I like bacon. And beef tacos made with an Old El Paso Taco Kit.

My surgery consultation is next week, tuesday. I am going to throw myself at Dr. Shaw's feet and beg for it to be taken out as soon as possible because this is no way to live! I'm so miserable and it's hard to eat out and I don't know what to cook and I am losing weight like mad.

What freaks me out about losing weight is that in the past my weight loss has been tied very closely with spiraling out of control manic episodes. I don't think I am going manic. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm losing all this weight and I actually have energy to go for walks!

When I am not in pain that is.

And this gallbladder pain has ruined my solitary sex life! There's no desire to have an orgasm when your guts are spasming. Wrong spasms!

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and filled THREE prescriptions for my gallbladder. I got some Buscopan and some 400mg Advil and some antacid medication. So we will see. I am waiting for my next attack and hopefully it won't be so so bad.

I have a confession! I smoked a Grape Primetime last night! I smoked it on the way to a friends. I haven't had anything since, just lozenges. I feel crappy about slipping. I don't want to slip again. So I am back to reading my quit smoking motivational webpages and stuff.

I am thinking about going to the dual diagnosis meeting tomorrow afternoon. Some people go and talk about how they quit cigarettes or coffee. And they always tell me even if I am still using to keep coming back because eventually it will stick. And I do like that group better than the gay AA or any NA. If there was a gay NA I would go maybe. There should be a gay NA. Or a more secular drug recovery group. Anyway, that's why I like the dual diagnosis group, because it isn't run like AA or NA or MA or CA or OA. It's run more like a basic support group and people go around in a circle and tell whatever they feel like telling. And they offer advice and so forth. It's a nice group. Plus the comfort of being with all other people with mental health issues. And they don't swear, and there are two facilitators who have experience working with addictions and mental health, I think one is a nurse and the other a social worker.

My friend from high school Carrie is becoming a nurse and I keep asking her if she has put in a catheter yet. I know nurses do way more than that but for some reason I have a curiousity about that. She did say she put one in the dummy, but the dummy had super tough labia that were hard to spread apart! SUPER LABIA!

My Grandma wanted to be a nurse, but she couldn't afford it so she became a teacher.

So when am I grown up anyway? This being 33 thing sure does make me feel old. The funny thing is that I was always attracted to people between 28 and 32 and now I am finally attracted mostly to women my own age. But it makes me worry that I'll be leching around at 50 trying to get a fertile 32 year old. Who knows!

I have some shit to do. Dammit! It's not even that hard to do, I should just go do it.

Well, there's the blog for today.

Remember . . .


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