Democrazy!

Christmas has come and gone!  It was alright at our house.  There is currently some drama going on in my family that I am not at liberty to discuss, but it's troubling me.  I need to get away from this house and hang out with some other folks.  I sort of care and I sort of don't care and it's bothersome.  It's insulting me, which is possibly the biggest thing that's pissing me off because it's about racism and there isn't anything I can do about it.  I hate racists. 

ANYWAY!  I have to get back to working on my grad application.  I have to do some more things.  Mom put money on her Visa today, so tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to fill out the online portion of the grad application.  The bulk of what I have worked on will get mailed late next week.  The deadline is coming up, January 16th!  Yikes!  I'm pretty excited though, and I feel like I am on track.

I was sober for my first Christmas!  I made it through the whole holiday without getting smashed or even having a sip.  Pretty awesome!  And you know, even though drinking was so ingrained in my Christmases previous, I didn't actually miss it this year.  I didn't even really think about it!

My next sober milestone is coming up quick, the first Sober New Years Eve!  I have to come up with a new way of celebrating the start of a new year.  I am gonna have a candy bathmelt bath with candles and incense, and get in pyjamas, and read my tarot cards, and drink something yummy without booze, and eat chips and dip or something.  It should be pretty nice.  I hope I have a good time.  I don't know who else will be there.  I might get sparkling apple cider for midnight too, that always feels fun!

Anyway, life really changed quite majorly for me this past year!  I quit drugging and drinking, I got a driver's license, I decided to go back to school, I made some money, I was poor, I applied for some jobs, and at the end of the year I got selected for an assessment which I passed for a job that pays a minimum of 26 dollars an hour!  I also went to Germany for five weeks, saw a red light district, lived within my means during the time I was there, got a grant, made a video, and submitted that video to a famous film festival in Germany that I have attended over a decade ago.  It's all looking up for me really.  Sure, I am still living with my Mom and people judge that, but I'm doing really really well for the first time in a long time.  I feel like I am prepared for some of these good things which could happen next year.  If I get into grad school, I should be making enough money with my RA/TA/GA and my band funding to be able to afford life in Toronto for two years or whatever.  So I am feeling pretty positive.  And the residences let you have pets, so Mister and Beatrix will be able to come with me. 

I'm also really happy that I am on the lowest amount of meds I have been on in a long time.  I'm happy to be stable without needing to be drugged to the gills.  And having a sex drive again is really nice, I missed it.  I feel like I will be stable during the next few crucial years of doing school.  Should I get in.

And if I don't get into school, hopefully I will have a job I am good at that pays well to keep me afloat for the next couple years until I can get into school.  It's all good!

I'm really tired.  Dramatic few days.  I need to get back to worrying about my life and my future.  And I need to work on this damned paper!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I've got to just sit down and DO IT! 

I wonder when X Corporation will get back to me about doing an interview, or do an interview on the phone or something.  Mum says next year.  That's six days away!  Seven actually, I doubt they will call on the first!

Anyway, I'm ready to snooze!  I called the Prime Minister's office about meeting with Chief Theresa Spence, a real person answers!  Then she sends you to the voicemail!  It was awesome!  I felt engaged with democrazy.  OMG!  That was totally a typo, but it really is what Canada has right now!

Trying to get out of a rut!

Idle No More is making me feel amazing!  I attended the flash mob round dance in Midtown Plaza last night, me and 2000+ other people!  Taking over a public space and making it our own was so moving, it gave me a great sense of pride in what our community can accomplish together!  And then today I went to the rally/round dance by the Bessborough.  That was exciting too, there were a lot of people, it didn't give me the same thrill as the flash mob, but it did feel good to stand there with people praying and talking and drumming.  I saw a lot of people I know, which made me happy. 

I've been on a high for a while now, since I found out about possibly getting a job at X Corporation and then also with this hype for Idle No More!  I feel like we can turn Canada around, like we can wrest control of our country away from the conservatives and make it our home again!  And I also feel like just maybe I can get out of my own personal poverty.

I've been really frustrated recently with feeling like I am in a rut.  Not having a stable job was really bumming me out, and being on social assistance, as nice as it is to have a safety net, is a little bit depressing.  I think that's only because there is stigma about people on social assistance, especially if you are a POC and ESPECIALLY if you are First Nations.  There is this idea that you are lazy and useless if you need government assistance.  And then people bitch about being taxpayers and how you're using their money and blah blah blah.  It really inflames some people. 

BUT even beyond the whole job/no job/social assistance thing, I also feel like I am in a rut just based on living with my mom and cousin who does disruptive things when he is drunk, and not having a girlfriend, and having not gotten a grant from Canada Council for the last three times I have applied.  I feel in a rut emotionally and with my film career.  I feel like I am really needing to grow out of this awkward phase I am in.  I don't want children, so that's not hanging over me.  Whew!  But being single is really getting to me.  I miss sex with someone else.  And if I get this job maybe I can move out of my dysfunctional home.  I really hate living with an alcoholic.  If he was working on himself that might be easier, but he is not, and at the same time he is acting like he quit drinking already.  He's all proud of himself, even though he keeps getting drunk these days.  It's bizarre.  Talk about living in denial.

Quitting my addictions this year has been really positive for me though.  Maybe the rut I am talking about is my growth plateauing.  I had so many good things happen for me when I quit drugging and drinking.  Like my driver's license.  And going to Germany.

But I do need to get ahead.  Since this is the solstice and the beginning of the next Mayan age, I may as well start on what I want to achieve this next year:
Get a job.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Do my taxes.
Get into Grad School.
Move to Toronto.
Live in Grad Residences.
Get a girlfriend.

That's all I want to have happen. I would be happy if my next year worked out like that.  I'll hear in April if I get into Grad school, if not I will apply in the fall for my feature film funding, again.  In the regular section.  I've never gotten a grant in the Aboriginal Section.  I think it's cursed.

I'm worried Steven will pick one of my work nights to get really drunk and disruptive in the middle of the night, and I will be fucked for sleep and have to work the next day and be really bad at it.  I don't know.  That's one of the reasons I might move out if I get my job.  I would save more money if I stayed here, but I really hate Steven.  So maybe having the opportunity to get the hell out of here would be a good thing.  It would suck for Mum though, because then she couldn't afford to keep her house.  She would have to get another roommate.  And I don't know if anyone could stand living with Steven.  But I guess that isn't my problem.

Maybe a Job?

I've done a lot of work on my grad application.  I just need to review and make some changes and then whip this paper up into something more professional!  I got my last reference letter writer, so that is good!  They are all women and all tenured professors! :D

I also had some really REALLY good news this week!

I had applied for this Customer Service Representative at X corporation back in November.  I heard they were doing their hiring process in December, so when I didn't hear anything for over the first two weeks in December I gave up.  I thought it was just another case of being ignored.  BUT THEN yesterday afternoon my gmail app on my iPhone went "ding!" and I checked it and I had an invitation from X corporation to complete a web based assessment.  They said they encouraged me to do it now, but I had until December 31st.  So I waited until Steven's son left this evening and went in and logged on. 

It was really complex.  First they asked me for basic information.  Then they had me go to a virtual call centre, where a little computer generated dude gave basic training in their system and then a practice call.  Then I had to do some virtual calls for which I was being assessed.  I think I made two mistakes.  It was interesting.  Then I had to answer a multiple choice portion of the assessment on responses to customer's statements.  THEN the hardest part came, which was all these mathematical questions which I had to solve and answer.  I was worried I was just fucking up.  BUT THEN!!!!! I got a screen that said "Congratulations!  You have successfully completed this portion of the hiring process.  A recruitment person will be in touch with you on the next step!"  So I PASSED! :D  Now it's down to the interviews!  I don't know when they will do them.  Christmas is coming up pretty quick, so they might take time off and get back to me in the New Year, when everyone has done the assessment.  I am trying to remember the hiring process for Sasktel, which is another Crown Corporation and had a lot of the same benefits.  I think the next step was a telephone interview.  And then an in person interview.

I really hope I get it.  The pay is amazing and they have good benefits.  And this time I don't have active addictions fucking me over and making me waste money and time and so forth.  I think I could be a really good employee.

Another nice thing happened.  I sent an email to an ex after being suspicious of something I thought she did while we were together, I mean, it was a really nice thing for her to do because it helped me move on from something traumatic.  Anyway, she sent me back an email confirming my suspicions, and she was actually really friendly and nice.  I appreciated it.  So that was nice.  It made me feel a bit better.  She and I have had such a tumultuous history.  I guess that's what happens when you know someone for 18 years.  God, I can't believe I'm so old!

I'm in a pretty good mood.  I've been so excited ever since I passed the assessment tonight.  I have to go to bed now.  I think I will write in my journal.  I am still waiting for a cheque that I haven't gotten, I am dubious as to whether I will get it before Christmas or not.  Which kinda sucks, because I won't be able to get many presents then.  I only bought for two people.  Oh well, I kinda think the presents thing is overrated, and I know I will only get two anyway. 

Life is up and down.  Sometimes it is really sad and sometimes it is really happy.  So strange.  I guess I will find out in January if I have a job.  I'll keep you updated.  The best part is that the starting wage is 26 dollars an hour!  I don't know how many hours I will get though.  It's permanent part time though, not casual, which is good, I hate casual work and being on call.  I like having a set schedule.

Anyway, Steven is drunk again, as usual, and sprayed some really rank cologne in the living room and I think I am allergic to it so I should go to bed.  Good night!

Goodbye Arthur!

I haven't posted in a while and there was one major change in our home life.  Arthur the Golden Retriever was euthanized last Saturday.  The day before he didn't want to eat, he was throwing up even though he had next to nothing in his stomach and he was having a hard time getting up.  We took him to the vet and they kept him for a few hours and did some tests.  Then they sent him home and he wasn't allowed to eat the rest of the day.  The next morning was no better, and he was eleven so Mum called the vet and made arrangements for him to be euthanized.

I went with him and Mum.  He was given several sedatives that made him super sleepy and then one giant needle.  He passed away very peacefully, breathing out one last big sigh and kicking his back leg out to get more comfortable.  And then he was gone.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I would get so mad at him but all in all he was a good dog, and sweet, and now he is no more.  I miss him.  Since then we have been adjusting, Hermione cried when he left for half an hour.  And then she was a little unsettled for a few days.  Now she is getting used to it just being her and Mister.  I'm gonna feel bad when I take Mister away in the fall.  She'll have no one.  Mum made me promise not to let her get another dog for a year.  She's worried she will make a poor decision if she gets one too soon.  I think she should get another dachshund, or a corgi, something Hermione's size that she can play with, in a year. 

We've discovered we can leave food on the counters again.  It's been wild, leaving butter bowls on the counter and no one stealing them.  But there is also no one big enough to lick out the pots, or intimidating enough for us to leave the doors unlocked.  So things have changed.  No one eats our snotty kleenexes anymore either.

So I have to talk about him, because he was a big part of our lives.  And I will end this part of the blog with a pic of him.

Arthur Cuthand is dead, Long Live King Arthur!


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I've been going on Tumblr a lot lately, you can find me there at thirzac.tumblr.com.  I mostly reblog things I find interesting, but some of it is kewl so maybe you want to take a peek.

Fitofpique.tumblr was taken.  I tried!

I made sugar cookies on Friday with Shavonne.  It took a long time.  For some reason every time my Mom walked into the kitchen, I'd just be sitting there doing nothing and Shavonne would be busy working, and she thought I was just being a lazy bones but really I was busy!  Just not at the times she walked in, for whatever reason.  We made all kinds of cookies, wreaths, deer, santa, lights, snowmen, angels, on and on!  And then we made butter icing in four different colours and used all these sprinkles and made pretty cute cookies.  They were also really yummy cookies.  All of them have been eaten.  They didn't last long!  I have half the dough in the freezer so I can make more!

I'm busy with my grad application still.  I don't know if I should concentrate on writing a new paper or if I should just use an already written one.  This evening I went on a desperate search and found all my files from my first iMac I used in my undergrad on a CD.  I tried to open it in my laptop, but it kept getting spit out.  I tried it on Mum's computer and it worked.  I copied them all and then looked through the various folders.  It was arranged very neatly, not like my files now, I could learn something from that.  Anyway, I found an old paper about A Streetcar Named Desire which I wrote in my third or fourth year but was from a 100 class.  I'm not sure it's up to snuff.  I got a really good mark on it, but it is from a 100 class.  Soooooo, hmm.  I'm getting Mom to read it.  If I can concentrate on my other work I need to do for this grad application, that would be the best.  I'm worried I'm spending too much time trying to write an academic paper, and that the rest of my application is lacking.  I have two reference letter writers chosen, I just need one more.  And I have to work on my Statement of Intent more.  And get together my portfolio.  AND write 500 words on how my disability has impacted my grades.  So there is still a lot to be done. 

Anyway, I am really tired, so I am going to go to sleep.  OH!  But before I do, I have to tell you about the spirits who visited me in my dreams last night.

I was in a divey bar and Jasmine walked in!  I asked her what it was like to be dead, and she said people talk to you so you break open.  I'm not sure what that means, but it's rife with possibilities!  Then Arthur walked by on his hind legs, wearing glasses, a fedora, and a trenchcoat.  Strangeness!

Never You Mind!

So anyways, life trundles on.  Steven got drunk on the weekend and woke us up at 2 and 4 am, so the next morning I went downstairs and banged a metal pot with a metal spoon.  Made me feel marginally better.

I went to Regina this weekend, spent time with my friend Blair and screened Boi Oh Boi and got a really good response.  I'm happy about that.

Yesterday I had my SAID interview with the lady from Abilities Council.  She went through all this stuff with me and we identified all these supports I had in dealing with things in life related to my disability, like dressing and housework and mood and safety and stress and a bunch of other things.  It was a fairly thorough assessment that made me realize how many supports I have as a disabled person to get through life.  My Mom DOES help a lot, it makes me worry what it will be like when I move out.  I've lived on my own before though.  And Mister is a support, because he calms me down when I am stressed out or emotional.  And even my phone is a support because I have set alarms all through the week that remind me of various things like taking my meds and taking out the garbage and going to my concurrent disorders group.

I haven't gone to my group in a while.  I should really go. 

And then of course I also have my psychiatrist and my psych nurse supporting me.  So yeah!

I will find out in six to eight weeks if I am approved to stay on the SAID program.  It would be nice. 

Christmas is coming up soon.  This will be our first sober Christmas in a long time.  Maybe it will make the stress easier to deal with. 

I've had a long day, had to get up early and stuff.  It's been exhausting.  Good though, I went to a bunch of art galleries in Regina and got to see my friend's show at The Dunlop.  Purty interesting stuff!

I'm just going to do some work and also write this paper and also get letters of reference and write some more stuff for my grad school application.  It's due SO SOON!  Yikes!  And there is only one application date a year for it so I really have to get my shit together.  I am thinking of purchasing this app from the app store called Scrivener, it's this majorly amazing writing software that can do essays, scripts, novels, all sorts of things.  I think it would be a good investment for a writer, and also it is only 45 dollars on the app store.  It's way better for longer pieces like novels than Word.  I had better download it soon!

We have the Cartoon Network for free for a while, so we are taping Adventure Time.  I am thinking of deleting the three seasons of Adventure Time off my laptop so I have more space.  Although maybe I should watch them all again before I do!

I downloaded Amanda Palmer's Theatre is Evil album off her site for free because I am a broke ass fan!  Maybe if I get majic money I will send a couple bucks her way, because it is a pretty bitchin' album.  You can find it at her website, www.amandapalmer.net. 

I'm still single.  The foretold girlfriend hasn't arrived, and November is nearly over.  I'm giving up.  I think I shall be single until I move away for Grad school and am really really busy with my career and then someone sweet will show up and I will get all distracted and mooney and forget to do my homework.  Either that or I will continue to go after bad emotionally unavailable women who don't really like me all that much.  Poor life choices!  I'm really tired of being drawn to women who don't feel the same way though.  It makes me feel shitty about myself, like no one will ever love me!  UGH!  So horrid!  So the story of my life! 

But there is more to life than being loved I guess.  I could just masturbate a lot and continue working on the Great Aboriginal Comedy Series. 

Actually, I have been single for so long that ALL my sex dreams are now about me masturbating feverishly!  In one I was using a glass dildo and a vibrator and an Oral B electric toothbrush ALL AT ONCE!  I don't know how I managed that with only two hands.  And in real masturbatory life it's pretty boring again, especially since my bottle of Slippery Stuff fell down the side of the bed between the wall and bed and I have been too lazy to fish it out.  Lube is pretty hot, and makes everything feel better, so you would think I would have fished it out by now!  But no.  OH!  But I did have a dream I was in an orgy with lesbians and transmen.  That was a pretty hot dream.  They were all faceless people.  Most of my sex dreams involve faceless people.  This means my next lover will have no face!  Ha ha, just kidding.  I think it just means I don't have any active crushes that I feel comfortable fucking in my dreams. 

I should go to bed, my back is cold and I am naked in bed and I want to wriggle under the covers and be warm on this wintery night!  I went to Regina today without a hat, how ridic is that?  I was freezing!  Winter is here to stay!  It came early this year, and hasn't melted away at all.  Last year was so mild.  Not this time! 

OK Cupid keeps trying to set me up with Bisexual women.  I wish I could find a femme lesbian, that would be AWESOME!  Oh well, nevermind.

Getting my shit together!

Today I imported two video files into iMovie (a really old copy) and made copies of my videos on two tiny tapes.  I also put away my hard drive and gathered my contracts and info sheets for my videos and found a box to ship it all away in.  I am now burning the required dvds.  Woot!  I will have my videos in distribution, thank god! 

I quit smoking today so it would be another quit on an 18th day of the month.  November 18th, I quit smoking.  I am doing the patch and having the odd lozenge when I get a craving. 

This is me before the snow came, with some new sexy underwear I purchased.  Yes, that is the Pilsbury Doughboy.  I was hoping I could wear it on a date, but so far I've had no need.  I'm just wearing it when I feel like laughing every time I go to the bathroom.

I'm spending money to make money.  It's kind of a drag.  I wish I could make money without having to spend anything.  I had to rent equipment for a shoot this weekend, and I had to buy a hard drive for my videos to send to Toronto.  I'm looking forward to when money starts rolling in again. 

I've gotten used to feeling hopelessly single.  I feel like maybe this isn't the best feeling.  I'm worried I won't find a girlfriend until I move away to Toronto.


More confessions, I found an ex by googling her.  Google is not my friend.  I shouldn't even have put her name in a search engine, I should have left well enough alone.  I was perfectly content not speaking to her.  Now I've seen her clothed breasts again and that cute face and I'm like "Oh shit!  Not this again!"  I can't be hung up on this woman forever.  No more! 

I've started a Tumblr, but mostly just to reblog things I find funny or smart or sexy.  I'm maintaining this blog still as my all original writings of my life.  I feel like I have invested too much into it to let it go. 

I've had a sore throat for two days.  I'm terrified of the big C word being involved.  It's probably a cold that I am fighting off, but it's still terrifying me.  I've got one friend with a tumor in his lung and another friend who has something abnormal going on in his esophagus, and it has really kicked me in the pants about this whole mortality thing.  I know one day I will die, I just don't want it to be horribly premature.  I feel like my struggles to stay alive during suicidal depressions which have been really terrible shouldn't be meaningless if I end up dying of cancer early in my life.  It's really made me happy I quit smoking, for what I hope is the final time.

I'm getting better at getting work done.  I still have some shit I have to do though, I am going to be busy this next while.  I am going to Regina this coming weekend for a show, that should be nice.  I always feel so weird watching my videos in the audience, because I totally pay attention to the audience reactions.  And it makes me nervous. 

I don't have any library fines!  I have to go get a new card because my account expired, but hurrah hurrah!  No fines!  I was terrified I owed my soul to the library.  I'm relieved that I can now take out books and stuff without using my mom's card.

I am behind in my readings.  I need to get caught up.  I am also applying for CSR jobs that pay good money.  I went for a keyboarding test (did I already mention this?) and scored 51 and 54 wpm.  With a 99 and 100 percent accuracy rate respectively.  Which puts me in the running for those jobs.  I hope I get an interview.

Although I do have so much work to do, I wouldn't be horribly sad if I remained jobless until January 16th when my grad application is due.  That's probably a bad thing to say.  I just need time to read and write and shtuff!

I didn't cook anything all weekend.  I still want to make bread!  Maybe Tuesday I will!

An Earnest Beginning to my Research

I have finally finally started doing my research for my scholarly writing I have to do and submit with my grad application! :D I am doing an essay about Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext, with possibly a look at the creation of alternate narratives (slash). I got access to JSTOR, which is a site that has a lot of electronic journals, and did a search for Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. So far the articles I have to read are:

Subtext and Countertext in "Muriel's Wedding" By Jill A. Mackey
Visual "Drive" and Cinematic Narrative: Reading Gaze Theory in Lacan, Hitchcock, and Mulvey By Clifford T. Manlove
Theorizing Mainstream Female Spectatorship: The Case of the Popular Lesbian Film By Karen Hollinger
Sexual Indifference and Lesbian Representation By Teresa de Lauretis
Queering the (New) Deal: Lesbian and Gay Representation and the Depression-Era Cultural Politics of Hollywood's Production Code By David M. Lugowski
Cruisin' for a Brusin': Hollywood's Deadly (Lesbian) Dolls By Chris Holmlund
Confessions of a Lesbian Feminist Slasher By Dale Rosenberg

I read the Muriel's Wedding one already, it gave me a few ideas. I have to get through the rest in the next few days. And then maybe look for some books or other articles which get cited. Then will begin my task of writing a good essay. One that will demonstrate my ability to write scholarly blah blah blahs. I hope I do a good job. I was happy to realize I can still read texts like these. I was worried I would feel totally out of my element since I haven't read academic texts in a long time. But it's not so bad. I feel like my topic could go so many directions, I want to mention how the Hays code impacted Lesbian Spectatorship and Lesbian Subtext. I guess I could do that in a short space, I'm worried I'll get all rambly and go too many places with it. And slash could be a whole article all of it's own. I used to have a book by Constance Penley about slash, but I don't know what happened to it.

In other news, things are fine. Steven apologized about washing my Pendleton Blanket and I accepted his apology, so that is over.

I got my FODADA Cardigan that I won from OUTtv in the mail yesterday, I was quite pleased with it! It fits me, except the sleeves are too long, and it's black which was the colour I was hoping for! I like winning things!

That's the third thing I have won from OUTtv. I also won a Lacroix bracelet and a Gautier cologne set.

The only problem is almost as soon as I put my cardigan on, I got little white hairs all over it! :( Darnitall!

I made some rice krispie squares tonight. That was pretty awesome. I wanted to make some doukhobor bread too, but Steven is making baguettes, so there is no need to make a whole bunch of breads at once. I COULD make ginger snaps though, which would be really nice.

I've started reading fiction before going to sleep, and it's been helping me get to sleep a lot faster than looking at the computer late into the night. Thanks to my friend D'Arcy for the tip! I'm currently reading The Casual Vacancy. It's well written but I can't say I actually care much about the story. I am only at page 38, but so far it is just a bunch of people talking about someone who dies on page 2.

I'm still girlfriendless. I don't know when I will get one. I had heard October or November from my psychic, but she said that depended on me and I feel like I have failed miserably in my mission to get a hunny! I hardly even circulate anymore, I am usually at home knitting or reading or baking something. I'm acting like a housewife without a counterpart. So I don't actually get the benefits of domesticity, besides being well read and having a scarf finally and having nice things to eat.

Being sober is still going well! :D No weed, no alcohol. No nothing else for a while now. I did do something a couple of months ago, but it wasn't anything I had needed to quit and was an anomaly more than anything. So that's kewl! I feel like my options for meeting women has shrunk since I quit drinking especially, even though it has made me a happier, healthier person. BUT I am gonna go to the gay bar for the first time in MONTHS on Saturday for a party in support of Transgender Day Of Remembrance. I'm gonna wear a mustache and tie. And drink pop.

I'm so relieved I finally started doing my research for my paper. I was getting worried. Now I have to start approaching people to write letters of reference for me. I think I have the three people I was going to use in mind. My film prof, my contemporary Aboriginal arts prof, and my colleague and past curator Adrian Stimson. I hope they write good letters! :D

I'm applying for a job as a Customer Service Representative, and I need to get my high school transcripts and a typing test. I hope I am still a fast typer! I was last tested at 42 wpm. But that was a few years ago! We'll see where I am at now.

I have some work I have to do soon soon soon! And I have to get my hard drive and tapes in to VTape so they can distribute them!

AND I have to pay the damn deductible on my accident I was in in March. Shitty! That is gonna wipe out a huge chunk of change! :( Sad me!

But really, things are going well again, and life is getting back on track, and if I get a part time job that pays well I will be in a really good spot again and be able to start socking away money for school! I need to get a hundred bucks for my grad school application fee too. The deadline is January 16th. Eeeeeeee! It's only a couple of months away!

For Dedicated Readers Only!

UGH! I am starting to hate my family again. I guess I shouldn't hate EVERYONE because it's really just a few rotten apples that are pissing in my cornflakes. I am really wondering why I am friends with some of them on facebook when they seem to just leave asshole comments or are generally pissy.

I unfriended Steven quite a while ago and he never noticed and then he took down his facebook anyway, so whatever, he never sees anything I post. ANYWAY, I got this Pendleton Blanket from my Grandparents for getting sober. And it was kicking around for a while and then the cat puked on it. And I was gonna clean it off, but I kept forgetting about it. So Steven in his great wisdom decided to help me by not only putting it in the washer, but also the dryer. This after we had had two incidents with woolen things either going in the washer and getting wrecked, or being saved from his determination to put all fibres into the washing machine. So I had THOUGHT he had realized that WOOL DOESN'T GO IN THE WASHER! Arrrrrrrg! I don't think he knows what wool is.

So my blanket is shrunk and I was really mad and I made ONE status about it all day and my fucking cousin comes along and bitches about how I complain about Steven all the time and I just fucking had it. I'm tired of my family being so concerned about Steven's man feelings when he does stupid shit that pisses me off like wrecking my expensive sweater and my Pendleton blanket. I don't know why nobody cares that I have a fucked up living arrangement and no way to get out of it because rent elsewhere is fucking eight hundred dollars! Steven hasn't gotten drunk in a while, which is good, and I haven't complained about that, but in the past yes when he drinks I get pissed off because he turns into an asshole and disrupts our whole household. So I have posted about his fucked up behaviour, because I don't buy into the whole keeping quiet about alcoholism thing that fuels so many other alcoholic homes. I'm not interested in enabling any fucking man.

ANYWAY, he really hasn't gotten drunk in a while, so this was just about my frustration with his cluelessness about how to do the laundry. And I am tired of the cousin who bitched about my bitching, because of a lot of things but mostly because she pisses me off and keeps posting new age crap about this dawning world we are supposed to see that is SO psychosis influenced it scares me! I shouldn't be scared of psychosis fueled ideas, because I have had them, but maybe it's because I have had them that I am so annoyed by them. It all makes sense and like, you're going to be intimately involved with saving the world and blah blah blah, but it's just mania. IT IS JUST MANIA! And sure, sometimes it comes in handy, like for Winston Churchill who really did have to help save the world and was in a manic episode for most of the Second World War. But it just makes me cringe because I think of all the stupid stuff I said when I was manic and saving the world and how I thought I knew everything and was smarter than everyone else. I guess part of me worries that people have to go through depressions after manias to let go of those ideas and maybe she hasn't and is still mildly manic.

So anyway I put her on restricted profile so I wouldn't have to deal with her weird comments, and then I took her off my newsfeed so I don't have to read all those psychosis influenced posts. And then I just felt mad for a while at my family because I am tired of having interpersonal drama and it all seems to stem from Steven who I really wish I didn't live with but I don't have a choice. And a part of me just wants all these family members to actually step up and take Steven into their house and live with him and see what they think about the experience and if they would or wouldn't have a complainy status once in a while. And if they did complain I would just comment "Ha ha!" He is not an easy guy to live with.

But beyond all of that, I really want to get the hell out of this city. I'm not growing here. I'm stuck. And I don't really feel respected here, I feel like a lot of people think I suck. And I am tired of that feeling. I want to go somewhere where I can actually have a career again and be involved with my community and all that stuff. And Saskatoon isn't the place for it. I can't even make a television show here because the tax credit is gone. Anyway, I had much higher self esteem when I lived in another city away from my family. I was really good at self care and I had some strong support networks of friends. I didn't ever have like, scads of friends, but the ones I did have were really good friends who would like, take me in if I was suicidal and stuff. Here I feel like I am just getting picked on.

And I am pissed that it seems to be cousins who are acting like assholes. It makes me want to unfriend all my cousins just to get it over with because I feel like they are all going to turn on me one day. And I know they aren't and that I am close with some of them, yes yes yes. But also some of them are assholes. But I think they know they are assholes, that's not a newsflash.

Ugh! I am tired! I'm going to bed. I'm not going to post a link to this blog on my facebook just because I only want dedicated readers to see this, and not just whatever people. I need to get more selective.

I sound like I am bummed out, and I am not.

I got on social assistance, actually I am on the SAID program right now, which is good because it gives me extra money to live on. I filled out the official application and it has to go to Abilities who then come and assess me and decide if I am disabled enough for it. Which will be interesting, because my bipolar disorder is really an illness which fluctuates from mild to severe disability. Right now it is fairly mild, and has been for a number of years. But in the past I have had clearly debilitating episodes which rendered me completely unable to work. So I don't know what they are going to say.

I got my cheque today, and paid my rent, groceries, phone bill, and overdraft on my chequing account. I also bought Steven a pack of smokes because he gave me a bunch of his when I was still smoking, and twenty bucks. I still have some money leftover! This is quite amazing. I am going to use some of the rest to get a hard drive to send to my distributor with my videos on it. I'm tired of the limited distribution I am doing with my tapes right now, because I haven't gotten them to VTape and I am just getting shows here and there and not submitting them to festivals.

After that I will have a bit of money to go to the movies and out for dinner with a friend. And maybe some extra if I am lucky. I'm really happy I quit my addictions, because they burned through my money really fast.

I haven't smoked since yesterday at around 1:00pm. I've been doing patches and lozenges and I am doing alright. Indian Affairs DID pay for my patches again, and so I am determined to really do it properly this time and follow directions and NOT SMOKE! EVER! I picked up 100 dollars worth of patches the other night and I'm still using up my last box that I bought, so I haven't even started the new ones yet. I feel like I can shell out money for lozenges to get through the big cravings, because I hardly have lozenges anyway so it won't be a lot of money, like the patches are.

My no drinking no weed thing is STILL going strong! I don't want to fall off the wagon and I hardly think about it, unless I smell weed on somebody and get memories. But my last months with weed were awful, I felt so shitty every time I smoked up. Really out of control and freaked out, like my mind was going to places I didn't want it to go. Dark places. I started feeling like I was insane every time I smoked up, and I am, but like, actively insane. I can see what David Suzuki was talking about, how marijuana has changed even just in the decade and a bit since I started using it, more prone to inducing psychosis because the chemical that protected against psychosis has been bred out. I'm glad I don't have it in my life anymore.

And I am also glad not to get pukey drunk anymore.

Steven's listening to Depeche Mode downstairs, I think he is depressed. He found out how much money I got today from Social Services and was upset because it was more than his. I don't even know if I will get to stay on the program. I hope so, until I find a job. A good paying job.

I haven't gotten any phone calls from any of the jobs I have applied for. I'm getting weary of this, because I don't know what the issue is and I suspect it is racial discrimination. Cuthand is very obviously a First Nations name here and there are a lot of racists in this town. In this province. In this country. But I can't prove it's discrimination if they don't even call me in for an interview.

I'm still single. I'm getting bored of that too. My libido has STARTED coming back, I am actually being sexually active, albeit alone, on a more regular basis than before. So I am relieved, because I really didn't care about orgasms for a while there. And how can you not care about ORGASMS???? They are the best thing in life! I spent a large part of my formative years being obsessed with having as many orgasms as I could possibly have! Hell, I even went to bed early because of that! I used to masturbate in the middle of the afternoon. I don't do that anymore, sadly, because of roommates who are also family members. But when I move out, I'm so doing it! Anyway, I am still left wondering who this mystery girlfriend is gonna be and also feeling a little hopeless because I don't think my next girlfriend is in Saskatoon. I don't know where she is. Maybe she is here, I don't know. She's not on OK Cupid though because the only girls who seem to be there are poly bisexuals, and I'm not poly anymore because it fucking sucks.

I haven't knitted my hat in a while because I am still doing the ribbing and getting confused as to whether I have to purl or knit. I should work on that because the only other hat I found is a 30 below hat, and it's only maybe three or five below during the days, for which a knitted toque would be ideal.

My sleep is fucked up because I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. I also haven't been to my concurrent disorders group in a while because I don't like the new facilitators because they aren't as good as the old ones. I know they are learning and all that but I would be nice to get some recognition for having sober time instead of them saying nothing unless you've fallen off the wagon. Anyway, BLAH! Also we now have to fill out these evaluation forms every beginning and end of the sessions, and it takes up time because they have to explain them all the time and some people need extra help filling them out and we really only have an hour to all talk. So those are reasons I am not happy with the group anymore.

I should go tomorrow, but I have a whole list of errands I need to do tomorrow and it is going to eat up most of my time. Maybe I will check out an online NA meeting or something instead. Although I don't really click with NA.

I feel like I am getting ahead and yet am also stuck in a rut. I really wish I had a job or something. Or a girlfriend. Although word on the street is people on disability aren't as desireable for girlfriends as people with jobs. I'm getting so tired of reading things about how you shouldn't date someone if they don't have a job and live with their mother. The economy is terrible, what do you expect? Rent for a one bedroom apartment in Saskatoon is an average of eight hundred dollars a month, on par with Toronto, and I can't afford it. And I don't usually do well as roommates with people and I don't like having to move all the time. I like having long term housing situations. My best apartment in Vancouver was 450 a month for 300 square feet and I lived there for three years. And I was happy, because I wasn't moving around all the time and having roommate issues. I like long term housing. Some people move all of the time, and I wonder how they can stand it?

Anyway, this blog post sounds all kinds of bummed out, and actually I am pretty happy these days despite all of this. I'm glad I have a safe place to live with my dog and kitty, and I am glad Steven hasn't gotten drunk in a while, and I am glad I have things I am doing and looking forward to. I haven't done much work on my paper, because I still don't have access to online journals, but my mom gave me an idea of how I can get access so I am going to try. I also have to contact my references for grad school, and go over the application again and work on some extra scripts to send as part of my portfolio. I'm getting really nervous about grad school, I am scared I won't be let in and I will feel rejected and sad like a bad artist/writer, and I am also scared I will be let in and have to worry about moving to a new city and surviving on the tiny amount of living allowance that my band pays to post sec students. I'm scared I will be lonely, even though I know a bunch of people in Toronto, and I'm scared I will go crazy and need someone to look after my pets while I am sick. I am scared about a lot of things. On the other hand, having an MFA in Screenwriting could nudge me in a really good direction with my career. Maybe juries would take me more seriously with an MFA, and most film departments have a Screenwriting prof. I think I could teach about narrative writing a lot better than I could teach about technical aspects of putting 16mm through a Bolex. It would be more satisfying to me.

I'm also worried about the fact that I will be really poor in Grad school, and have to work a part time job along with going to school, and that it won't give me enough time to write and do the schoolwork I will need to do. I never worked while I was going through my BFA, and that was really good for me because I was secretly disabled and still had a full courseload and if I'd had to work I would have had a really hard time.

Anyway, BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wish my life was a bit sexier. I don't have a trip to Germany to look forward to. I have been thinking about taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the not too distant future, but I would need some major money to enter my life for that. I want to suntan on the black sand beach, and go to the Volcano park. I've never seen a volcano. They seem so exotic to me, being a prairie girl where geologically things are fairly tame. I'd like to see the raw power of the earth spitting magma. Maybe there is a film festival who will program Boi Oh Boi in Hawaii. One can only hope.

Also I am not applying for residencies until April, when I find out about Grad School. So I don't think I will be going anywhere exciting this summer.

What Happens Next?

I'm at this really awkward phase in my recovery, where I have been sober for a number of months and want to continue improving my life, but don't know what the next step is. It feels like being a gangly teenager who is really clumsy because they are unaware of the new proportions of their body. I am quitting smoking YET AGAIN! I haven't had a cigarette since 1pm today, and for the last three days in a row I have woken up, had a couple puffs of butts, and then slapped on a patch and been smober for the rest of the day. It's just hard getting through that morning bit. I really look forward to my morning smoke the most out of all my other smokes. It gets me out of bed and makes me feel satisfied for a little while. So it's hard to let go of it. Other than that one time of day I am fine just wearing a patch.

But it's not just quitting smoking. I want to do something MORE! Like make great art or get a job or SOMETHING! Last blog I mentioned how I want a relationship again, but I feel like that is out of my control. I started flossing today. I am going to try to floss every night before I brush my teeth and go to bed. I hear flossing adds years to your life. Literally! It's one of the best things you can do. That and quitting smoking.

Tomorrow morning I am going to try NOT having my morning puffs. I am going to remain smokeless, ALL DAY! Hmm. I have ten bucks. I could spend it on one of those vapour smokes, those things that look like cigarettes but only have water vapour in them. But no, that just seems silly.

I lost my nicotine mints today, so I have had NONE! Just the damn patch. I am going to try and make a doctor's appointment to see if Indian Affairs will pay for another round of patches for me, so I don't have to shell out money I don't have.

I also need to pay the rent. And I have gotten no money this month. I am going to call Social Services tomorrow and see about getting back on welfare temporarily. Like for a month or something. When I have been on welfare it hasn't ever been for very long. Maybe four months at the most. I would get a year long pass to the Leisure Centres and cheap bus passes for six months. So that would be nice. Plus I would be able to pay my rent. Which would be a relief. Sigh!

The only thing that sucks about Welfare is that they don't like you to make more than a couple hundred extra bucks a month, and as an artist sometimes spurts of cash come into my life, like my last artist fee payment from my distributor which was 1500 bucks because of a sale to a gallery. That was a while ago. And I know in late November I have a couple gigs that will get me cash. But that won't be soon enough to pay my rent.

So la la la! Life, art, blah de blah. I applied for another job today. That makes three jobs I have applied for. No! Four jobs I have applied for! All officey jobs. Or customer service. I hope I get some calls for interviews! I was really hoping to hear back from one employer today, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. I don't know how long it is going to take them to go through applications.

And with all this going on I still have to write my scholarly paper for school. I need access to academic writings. I don't have cash to buy books, and Mum doesn't have cash to get a university library card. It sucks! I hate poverty.

Speaking of poverty, we didn't have to buy our lottery tickets today! We won three free plays. Which is pretty awesome, because each free play is five dollars worth of tickets. And the next Lotto Max draw is for 50 million with 50 maxmillions, which are basically 50 additional draws for a million dollar prize! So we have 51 chances to win! :D That will keep my sad hopes up until Saturday when we check our tickets.

I haven't started work on my Halloween costume yet. And I also have to write a fictional short story in two weeks if I want to be in this book, and I haven't any ideas what to write about. Maybe I will get an idea. It snowed today, which was nice because I like when a season finally is upon us, instead of these weird transition periods.

Kind of like my life. I feel like as a sober person I am still going through some kind of transition. To a different life. A better life. Maybe if I have a full time job I will feel like I am getting somewhere. It would be nice to at least be able to start saving money for my move to Toronto. I'd feel a lot happier if I had five thousand dollars to move and live on for a while.

Switcheroo!

It's almost 1am on a Sunday night, which is really Monday Morning. I am not sure what I want to blog about, except that I feel compelled to write so I may as well.

It was fisting day yesterday! That's always exciting, even though I didn't fist anyone yesterday! I remember the first time I successfully fisted my then girlfriend. I was penetrating her and then it just slipped in. It was so awesome! And there was this immense warm feeling of pinkness that enveloped me. It was an amazing sensation for my hand to be engulfed in her pussy. Just swallowed up. So yeah, I like it either way, being on the receiving or the giving end of fisting. All around fisting fan!

Actually, after years of calling myself a bottom, I have only recently accepted that I am more likely a switch. I really like submission with women I love and masochism in general, but I have discovered a more dominating desire within me come out from time to time. Actually the first time I had an inkling I might be a switch was when I was talking with a far away friend on the phone and we were blabbing about Daddies when she called me Daddy in this totally vampy high femme tone of voice and my breath caught in my throat. It totally turned me on! Since then I have thought about being a butch Daddy for some lucky Femme. I think I would be stern but loving. And of course being a switch and therefore needing some time as a bottom I wouldn't always be Daddy.

I used to have a girlfriend who was a switch. But it only lasted six months, and she was in charge pretty much all of the time, until it all unraveled. I'd like my next girlfriend to be a switch. I'm worried I'm going to end up settling for someone totally vanilla who isn't going to expand their sexual horizons with me. That would really suck.

Actually, even though I don't really have any active crushes going on right now, I have this deeply profound sense that my singleness may be ending relatively soon! Maybe that's just because about now is the timeframe my psychic gave me for getting into my next serious relationship. But I do understand it really depends on me, and that I have to start attracting the right people who want to be with an emotional sentimental romantic softy, and not the people who think I'm some bad girl with an attitude. Because they'll be expecting one thing and I'll show up and do something else like bring them flowers or wanting to spend all morning cuddling or something. I really like cuddly mornings. Or sex interspersed with cuddle monster sessions. I'm really physical with my girlfriends. I like pulling them into darkened doorways for intensely deep long kisses. And holding hands in the movie theatre. Or putting my hand on their thigh. Things like that.

Wow I miss all that stuff! It seems like I have such long periods of being single. Since my last girlfriend it has been over five years. I did have one lover during that time, but the interpersonal stuff between us was so awkward because it was a really casual fling type thing. And I guess I just prefer having sex when it's going to go somewhere, even if it's just for a few months. Just to be able to say "Yes, we had a relationship!" Although I understand some of my relationships should have been kept as casual flings. I guess what I am saying is sex makes me super attached. My oxytocin goes shooting around my brain/body and makes me bonded.

But I guess it doesn't work like that for everyone.

I've been haunting OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish for a while, looking for potential mates. But so far I haven't had much luck. I did go on two dates. One was terrible! I had never met someone so rude! Oh well. I feel like a specialty item now since I have gotten sober. And I already felt like that before, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm worried I seem like damaged goods or something fucked up like that. People pick really funny things to discriminate over. But I wouldn't want to date those people anyway. I'm just worried EVERYONE is those people!

They say you shouldn't get into a serious relationship your first year of sobriety. Then again, I am not following the NA program anyway, which is where that line of thought comes from.

Well, it's 1:14! I should go to bed! Goodnight internet land!

Sobriety these days

I guess I could check in about my sobriety and what life is like now.

Well, in four days it will be five months without booze, and nine months without weed. It's a big milestone. I've been feeling a lot more positive without it. It took some adjusting the first three sober months. I was missing my old life of partying and hanging out with drinkers. But then I started getting used to it. And being interested in other things. I started driving a lot more because I was sober and therefore allowed to drive all the time! It was pretty wicked, I would go on long drives with my cousin Deanna and check out places of the city that I didn't usually go, like across the river from the Regional Psychiatric Centre. Which incidentally is where Karla Holmolka was once. And I think Paul Bernardo too. Maybe. Anyway, besides that, recently as I have mentioned I really got into my knitting. And drinking teas. All kinds of teas, Earl Grey, Pomegranate and Egyptian Mint, Chamomile, Raspberry Zinger, Blueberry, Good Night Tea. I've really gotten into tea drinking. I am thinking of making my own London Fogs too.

I've gone to NA, which wasn't really a fit with me. I've gone to Concurrent Disorders. I've talked with my psych nurse about my sobriety. I have made plans to go back to school to learn screenwriting. That's a big step because it involves moving to Toronto, my last of the Big Three, as in the Big Cities of Canada. There's Calgary and Winnipeg I guess too, but they don't have the same hype around them as Vancouver, Montreal, and Toronto. And I have already lived in Vancouver and Montreal. Montreal was mean, at least if you are a psych patient. I have heard mixed things about Toronto for psych patients/survivors. On one hand there is a lot being done in terms of mad activism. On the other hand I have heard negative things about the psych wards there. I'll have to look into it.

I'm applying for jobs again. I just need to make decent cash in my last year of living here so I can save up money for school and moving. Anyway, that's a big step too. It would kinda suck having a job to go to five days a week, but it would also be nice to have a little financial stability.

I'm on the alert for potential partners. I don't know where I will meet somebody, since I haven't gone to the gay bar since May. But I never met good girlfriends in bars anyway. I met them through friends or at school or work. I could meet someone somewhere new though, I mean really, who knows? My psychic says around now I should be getting into my next serious relationship. Or in November. But it depends on me. That whole showing my soft side thing. My gooey innards.

I am excited about the prospect of leaving my Mum's house, in fact of leaving this city altogether. I'm starting to get irritated by dramatic cousins and the interpersonal shit that goes on with them. I'd like to just be far away and have my own friends and get on with being 35 (which is the age I will turn next year). I think it would be nice to get some distance from my family. They can really stress me out. I think Mum does too much stuff for people, but she won't change. It just worries me that it's gonna wear her out and lead her to an early grave!

Anyway, my sobriety is important. It's helped me make some major changes in my life. And I'm not sad about not being able to party anymore. I'd like to make some more friends who don't want to go to the bar all the time. It would be nice. One thing I miss is knowing which friends actually like spending time with me sober and which ones only wanted to hang out so we could all get drunk. Sometimes I am not sure. I'm spending a lot of weekend nights at home. That kinda sucks. It would be nice to go out and do things.

I've been making pies and tarts and muffins. It's been fun. I need to make more things. Baking has been really lovely because at the end there is something yummy to eat.

One thing that sucks is how poor I am these days. I need to make more money. I know I can, I just have to work harder.

Tomorrow I am helping a friend make a video, so I should go to bed now.

New Leaf

Well I have a lot more energy these days and I am in a pretty good mood. My libido is still mostly absent, but I have some hope it will return. Today I finally finished my scarf. Last night I finished knitting the last few inches and cast off, and today after purchasing some yarn needles I sewed in all the loose ends. I wore it a few times outside while smoking, it is SUPER warm! :D Yay yay yay! I'm pretty happy with it, I have finally finished my knitting project! Next I am doing dishcloths, and then after a bit of practice I am moving on to knitting myself a hat! I might do it using the perl stitch, because I have to learn that.

I actually cleaned my room today. If you know me you would know that is quite a feat! I did the laundry, swept, washed the floor, sprayed an enzyme down that eats dog urine odor, and decluttered the area of my room that was just covered with boxes and books and random shit! I'm trying to properly housetrain Mister, because even though he goes outside all the time he still sneaks off and pees in my room. And Mum's room, and the kitchen, and the office. Never the bathroom, oddly enough.

I also want him to be a good roommate for if I live with someone in Toronto. He's a really sweet dog, he just has that flaw. But I have been reading about housebreaking an adult dog, and it seems simple enough as long as I can be consistent.

I have high hopes for my future these days. I feel like I had been at loose ends for a long time, really aimless. And now I feel like things might finally come together for me. I'm applying to school, I applied for a job today, I am knitting, I am starting to take care of things around the house like cleaning. I feel like I have turned a new leaf since I quit drinking and drugging. I am starting to care about things again, whereas before I would just use until I didn't care anymore. It's a good feeling.

I have work in the morning, but it is supposed to snow, which means we won't be able to find needles. So I am dubious it is going to happen. But I should still go to bed early. I'm not sure what I should do. Right now I am drinking tea. I could knit, but I don't know if I feel calm enough. My mind is busy. I hope I don't go manic, that'd suck! Maybe knitting is a good idea, it would help still my mind. I have been thinking about getting into meditation. I have a yoga mat I could sit on while I do it. It would be really good for my bipolar disorder.

Well, I think I am gonna surf the web and read self helpy webpages. I used to go across the street to Chapters when I lived on South Granville and sit in the self help section reading. It was awesome! :D

Pissed off!

UGH! One of my cousin's sent me this totally aggressive message on facebook about how I needed to shut it about my alcoholic roommate. So I unfriended him and blocked him. I don't appreciate men telling me what I can and can't talk about, it's really paternalistic and offensive! Besides that, my facebook is where I get support from people, it pisses me off when members of my family want me to cut off that outlet.

There are some really weird things that happen in a family riddled with substance abusers. There is this pervasive shame around it and silence, and if you break the silence then people get really pissed off. Because it also makes them have to look at themselves. And people don't like looking at their own substance abuse issues. And there is also a whole slew of codependents and enablers and all kinds of things going on. It really sickens the whole family system. I'm really tired of it. And I am starting to look forward to getting out of the city for good. I don't like being around this shit. I feel like it is adding stress to my life that isn't healthy. And Mom's talking about Steven living here next May!!!!! So I don't think he is going to leave at all. I think I have to live with him until I move next August. Which is really frustrating. Some days he is a really good roommate, funny, helpful, charming. I like him those days. Then other days he is just an asshole! It's the whole alcoholic rollercoaster that I am sick of.

Anyway, I have no choice around him, I can't get away from him because I can't move out of my Mom's house yet. I'm stuck with him. And it's really unhealthy and frustrating and it's been a year with him now with very little improvement. I still feel like he is using us. But really, what I wanted to talk about in this post was being pissed off with my other cousin for trying to tell me what I can and can't write about. It's so infuriating. If he feels shame reading about Steven then he can just fuck off. I need to talk about what it is like to live with a very active alcoholic. And it's not even like I do talk about him all the time, I rarely talk about him. But he does live with me, so shit is gonna come up. And if he doesn't want me talking about him falling off the wagon over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over then he can move out! No one's keeping him here! If he was a drunk somewhere else I wouldn't mention it because it wouldn't be impacting my life. But it DOES impact my life! For instance his last drunk he took 35 dollars worth of our meat to a friends house to eat. That's a lot of money! And we can't afford to feed his friends while he is on a drunk! That kind of stuff makes me angry!

I think this whole idea of shutting up women to hide family secrets is sick. I'm not going to listen to a man tell me what to do. That's one of the myriad reasons I am a lesbian, so I don't have to listen to a stupid man!

Anyway, UGH!

Well, I should go knit. I am nearly done this ball of wool, then I move on to the next ball until my scarf is long enough! And then I am making dishcloths! I am giving a few away as Christmas presents. I'm gonna try not to buy Christmas presents this year for anyone but Mum and Sky. There's too much expectation around Christmas.

Oh gawd! Christmas! I hope there isn't obvious alcohol in our house this Christmas. Last Christmas Eve Steven got spectacularly drunk on a whole bottle of Limoncello. It kinda fucked up our Christmas. And Christmas is always kind of a fucked up holiday anyway! When I get a partner I'm just having Christmas with her, there's too many family members involved in our Christmases at my Mom's. I love my family, but they expect too much of my Mom.

Med changes and a thought about weed and psychosis

It's 3:17 in the friggen morning and I am not asleep yet! I got home from Prince Albert just before 1, so I am kind of wired. Mum basically just went straight to bed. She was exhausted. We went for my screening in this two spirited festival up there. My video was the VERY LAST thing of the whole night! People who stayed really liked it, so it seemed. Someone even told me if he had millions of dollars he would give it to me so I could make my tv show.

On the ride home my mom and I threw around some ideas for my television series. I have a really good idea for the character of the narrator. I think it could be funny! Yay! We also went down the road of wondering why I have had such bad luck with Canada Council juries these last three years. I really don't know. It's pretty frustrating. I didn't even get a highly recommended this year, they must have HATED IT! I just want to win the lottery already and not have to depend on the whims of a funding agency. I've thought about crowdfunding, but I don't know if enough people care about my work to make any money. Plus I would need some pretty substantial dollars.

I got a call from my psychiatrist today, we've been playing phone tag for the last week. Since my prolactin is elevated, she thinks it is the risperidone and she wants to lower it another milligram. So now the morning dose is out, just a little epival and wellbutrin in the morning and epival, risperidone, and iron at night. Along with my ranitidine twice a day. So we shall see what happens. She asked if I was still not smoking pot and I said yes. She said it was very important that I not smoke any pot otherwise we'll have to raise my risperidone levels again. My mum laughed about that, she said "You can either smoke pot and be sexless and diabetic, or you can be clean and healthy!" Ha ha ha! It's true though. My moods have evened out a lot without weed, I was never a good judge about it making me psychotic or not. Although I remember just before I quit I noticed my thoughts would get really out of control while I was high! I was starting to hate it, and I was addicted so I kept needing it, but it was really fucking me up in the head. Whoever thinks pot is harmless is an idiot. It really messes with your brain. ESPECIALLY if you already have a mood disorder. It wasn't always like that. But it got worse and worse as years went on. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been Bipolar 1 without having smoked marijuana. It's a big difference from Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is when you go into psychosis, and THAT is a very dangerous space to be in. Not to mention it seems to take forever to recover from.

Mum asked me in the car home what I was going to do my next video about. She said "What are you thinking about these days?" I thought about it, and I guess my sobriety has taken up a lot of my brain space lately. It's not just about something I USED to do, it's also about what my life has become since and what I am doing differently now. My psych nurse told me she wanted me to work through my emotions more now. She brought up a good point which was that before I would avoid them by smoking a joint. My risperidone is apparently one of the reasons I can't really cry, so lowering it might bring back that ability. Which would be nice, actually. My psychic told me the first time I saw her that I have to cry more. It's really hard!

I used to be able to cry so easy. I feel like I have hardened up since then. Like I don't WANT to cry because it signals weakness or some nonsense. I know it's really healthy to cry, it just feels like I can't get there! When I first quit weed I started feeling all these old emotions, even stuff about my late cousin who died in 2006! BUT I didn't cry.

I'm tired. I should go to bed. Anyway, yeah, I need to make all these med changes before I go to Toronto. I need to be stable for a good six months before I leave. I am stable now, but we don't totally know what reducing my antipsychotic will do. I'll know we have to up it or go on a different one if I start hearing music in white noise even when I have taken my meds. That's a pretty clear indicator. It's one of my early warning signs and I've been able to note it and still have insight into my condition. Sometimes when you go crazy you stop believing you are crazy or that you have ever been crazy. Everything seems real, even when it's intensely impossible weird shit. So, watching out!

Balance

Today was an okay day. We drove out to Muskoday for a funeral. Uncle Doug and my Mom had a bunch of interesting conversations in the truck. The funeral was super Christian because the cousin who died was born again. It reminded me of how different my mom's funeral will have to be because she is an atheist. That being said, I want my mom around for a long long time. I'm so close with her.

After the funeral we drove back to town and went straight to a steak night being held to help cover costs of my mom's student's son's funeral that was held this summer. We bought door prize tickets and fifty fifty tickets, but we didn't win anything. And that was okay really because all the money helps that family out.

I've been thinking a lot about the future. I am really excited about the screenwriting MFA program at York. I don't know what I will do if I don't get accepted. I'd be really sad I think. And I don't know if I would still move or not. Although I have a strong feeling I will be moving to Toronto.

Little Mister and I went for a walk yesterday, that was really nice. I am gonna take him on another walk tomorrow. I need to get him out of the house more so that Hermione isn't so sad when he is away from her. They are really going to miss each other when I move away with him. They are best buddies with each other. I think I am going to have to find some little dog friends for Mister in Toronto to have play dates. He's really shy and snotty of new dogs though, which is why they have to hang out with each other for a while before he will start to play.

I think I would make a good scriptwriter. I could have a lot of fun with it. And sometimes I could direct. It fits the best with me anyway.

I ran into an old friend from my queer youth days, Tara. She was setting up the karaoke system at the bar where the steak night was being held. I gave her my card, hopefully we will go for coffee. It would be super nice if she could introduce me to eligible bachelorette lesbians! I'm trying to circulate more. The astrologer I always read says we should circulate if we are looking for partners, so I am trying! I can't believe it's been over five years without a girlfriend. So sucky! I had a couple summer flings with one woman, but now she doesn't want to talk to me. And it never counted as a relationship anyway. Even though I wanted one with her. She kinda broke my heart. I feel like I am getting over her, although I still miss our friendship, the platonic parts of it. Good friends are hard to find.

My alcoholic roommate isn't moving out, and isn't getting much better either. He's supposed to get into a day program by the end of the month or he is getting kicked out, but I don't know if there will actually be any follow through, on either his or my mom's part. He seems to be using the fact that he has a son to stay here, which kinda pisses me off. We're not running a charity. And he isn't at all serious about being sober, he still drinks at least once a week. He says he is serious about quitting but I think he only says that so he can stay here. Really I still want him out. Realistically I think the only way I will be able to not live with him is when I move to Toronto next fall. Unless I won the lottery tonight, in which case I will move next month and buy a house there and say a big fuck you to him! And take my dog and cat and live happily ever after. He's causing a lot of stress in this house and I don't know why my mom is so wishy washy about the whole damn thing. She used to have a spine, it just disappeared when that damn baby showed up.

Damn babies!

He got drunk last night on a mickey and a bottle of coke. This wouldn't have bothered me so much except he kept trying to get me to drink his stupid coke and I think it was spiked and he was just trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Such an asshole! I like my sobriety, it's been really nice to have and I like that I am not wasting money on booze and drugs anymore. He also keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him, which also pisses me off because a) I don't drink anymore, and b) he is an annoying asshole to drink with because he goes on and on about his emotions and his past history of violence with women and one time while he was drunk he even confessed to killing something. Not a human. But it was still disturbing. I don't trust him.

Anyway, UGH!

And also part of me is starting to move towards spirituality. I am not sure how it's going to manifest yet. I don't see it as a particularly Christian spirituality. Maybe something where Buddhism, Pantheism, and Aboriginal Spirituality all intersect. But either way, I feel like I want to find a spiritual practice. I don't want to pray, because I don't believe in prayer. I believe in taking personal action to achieve one's aims. That being said I am going to be burning a green candle soon for prosperity. Which is pretty witchy and close to a prayer. But anyway, I don't know what my spirituality is becoming. It's almost meditative to knit, I like that. Real meditation and me don't work very well, I haven't found a way that speaks to me yet. I'm too interested in reading or writing or otherwise being productive. I guess creative output could be a type of spirituality. And maybe reading about Buddhist principles could help too. I have some really good books I could reread to remind myself why I like that religion. Also I am not sure if I want to be solitary in my spirituality or if I need community. A lot of religions are based on community, but I like being alone a lot. Then again, I do want to meet eligible bachelorettes, so maybe going to the Buddhist temple is a good idea after all. Or there is a meditation class at Positive Passions. Hmmm.

I could also get back into Yoga. I got a mat. I could buy some of the other things too, the blocks and stuff. There is a yoga show that comes on television every morning, I just haven't gotten up that early. Getting up early might be a good idea. I'm such a night owl though. I really like writing early early early in the morning, before drifting off into a sweet sleep. Like now.

Anyway, this year has really been about finding balance. I'm not there yet. But I am working on it!

Sleep hornies

Tonight I watched television and knitted. I got a whole bunch more done. I think I can finish my scarf in a couple weeks or less if I really work on it. It's really nice to knit again, so meditative! I get in this zone and listen to what's on tv. Actually, maybe I should start listening to podcasts and knitting. I have a bunch of Coast To Coast AM I can listen to while I knit. That would be fun.

I wrote down that list of 100 things in 20 minutes. It actually took me about 26 minutes. A few were places I want to travel. A few were things I wanted to buy. A lot were about making feature films and television shows. And winning awards from them. One was wanting to have a retrospective in a major gallery. And a few were about wanting to fall in love and get married. I didn't have kids on there, I mean, I didn't say I wanted kids. I guess it's not a very high priority with me. I feel like if I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who wanted kids I could adjust, but if I had my druthers I think I would prefer to remain childless. My dog and cat are good enough for me! They are both curled up beside me snoozing. Little sweeties.

I am supposed to find a serious relationship next month or the month after, but I am not sure with who. I often worry there is nobody in town for me. And I am leaving anyway. And there aren't many people on OK Cupid that I am interested in. Everyone seems to drink or be stupid in various ways. Or be poly, and I am so over that. And there are hardly any femme lesbians in my town on OK Cupid, maybe none! At least, none that show up in my matches. And there are a bunch with no pictures and so of course I cross those people off. Whatever. I don't know why I want a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I have lost perspective on the whole thing. Being single for this long has really atrophied my desire.

Actually, I have noticed I get horny most often in my sleep. I often wake up wanting to masturbate but still being too tired to really get off. It's kind of funny. I have horny dreams, but they are all about masturbating. I had a dream I was masturbating with a hammer. Not like, hammering myself! Just rocking on it. And then it magically turning into a cell phone! So weird! Anyway, my psychiatrist sent me off for blood tests to find out if my psych meds were raising my prolactin levels too high, which would account for the loss in libido, and the results came back saying YES they are too high. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks and then I guess we will come up with some sort of solution to resolve this issue. It really does frustrate me because I miss being horny on a more regular basis. It adds a certain delightful dimension to life that is currently lacking.

It's hard to want something that you don't care about. I want to care about desire again, I just DON'T! UGH! So annoying.

I think I knitted for three and a half hours today. I'm really impressed with myself.

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow for, a cousin I guess? I didn't know her. But my mom and uncle are going so I am too. And then I am going to a steak night for a friend of my mom's whose son died this summer. I only realized just now that both of these events are tied to death.

Next week I have a screening in Prince Albert for Boi Oh Boi! I am going up with my Mom and Deanna. We are going to try and get our secure status cards while we are there. They have all these fancy features on them! Yay!

I'm tired. I guess that is what happens when you stay up late watching tv and knitting. We rented Snow White And The Huntsman. It was alright. The evil stepmom was so evil! I wasn't attracted to either of them though, none of them were my type! And as I said before I have next to no libido anyway.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Maybe I will get horny in my sleep again!

Personal Development

I started knitting again today. I got a good inch done on my scarf, starting out slow and sweet. I am going to do an hour of knitting every day until this damn thing is DONE! Then I will finally have a scarf! Yay! It's almost halfway done. I worked a lot on it last winter, then I gave up for a while. But I always kept it around! And Mom got me a knitting bag this summer at a garage sale! So I finally have something good to keep it in!

I am trying really hard to work on personal development. I made major strides in my life when I quit weed, and then drinking. For instance, I got my drivers license after I quit smoking up, and I started driving everywhere when I quit drinking. Because now I have no excuse not to drive. I'm not inebriated anymore. So driving is totally okay. It's pretty awesome. But now I feel like I have plateaued, and I need to continue this upward trajectory. I grew pumpkins this summer, that was fun. We have ten of them! They aren't massively big, but they are a decent enough size. Definitely big enough for pies and jack o'lanterns. They still need to turn orange, except for one that turned orange really early on. I read up on how to encourage them, one of the things they suggested was trimming the leaves around them so that they get more sun, so I did that today.

Anyway, gardening was a nice thing to do. Watching them progress. This evening I also finally harvested some wild sage that grew in our front garden. I bundled it up into a smudge and I'm drying it out. It smells really good! I feel like I need to do some spiritual things around the fact that there are clearly spirits attached to me, considering how often things move around on their own when I am in the room. I've seen plants move like something brushed by them, I've seen belts hanging up swing back and forth, I've seen my suitcase get disturbed like an animal is investigating it and tips it over, I've heard rustling where there shouldn't be anything. It doesn't scare me like it used to. I generally do not get negative vibes from the beings hanging around me. I feel like they just want to visit. I don't know who they are, but I do know a number of people who have passed on. Carla Marie Powers, Jasmine Turner, Christopher Cuthand, Matthew O'Scienny. I feel like all of those people have moved on and found peace, but I can imagine it's possible for them to come back to visit. I don't know why they would. Some of them I feel would want to come see me more than others though. I could see Jasmine coming back, we were pretty close.

Anyway, I feel like I need to burn sage for them. And so having another smudge finally feels good. Something anyway. I was thinking of getting some incense too. Spirits like smells.

I'm trying to figure out other ways I could grow. I feel different now that I am not putting substances in my body, except for caffeine and nicotine. But I don't want to give up caffeine yet. Anyway, I feel more like myself. Like the booze and drugs were making me someone else, and also drawing in bad spirits to me. Negative energies. And now there's a chance for positive energies to reach me. But there must be something else. Something I could really love. I love writing, I'm trying to do it more. I bought Final Draft software a while ago but I haven't used it too much. National Novel Writing Month is happening again soon. I might try again this year. There's a really good piece of software for writing novels specifically called Scribe or something like that, I might get it and try it this time.

I was reading on this personal development website about how being self employed is way better than having a JOB job. It really spoke to me and made me more determined to stay on my path I am on. I also like the idea of getting creative royalties, passive income it is called. It would be nice to just make money continuously.

I didn't make my sweet potato pie yet! Yikes! I read this other good advice for changing your life where you take 20 minutes and write out 100 things you want to do, no matter how crazy or unrealistic they may seem. And then at the end you put it away for a day and then look at it again and see how you can make some or all of those things happen. So I might do that tomorrow, I am too tired tonight.

It's been an interesting few years. It seems that the big changes really happened for me this year though, which is kind of funny because there were all these people thinking 2012 would be the end of the world. I really just think that it opened up space for me to fundamentally change who I am. But now that I have sobered up, I feel like there needs to be something else to fill that space in my life. I'm not sure what. Meditation? Exercise? It would have to be something I find fun! I have to look at that. Cooking is fun because you can eat what you make. Knitting is fun because you can wear what you make. Clearly I like being productive. That's a clue. It's another reason I like writing, because I can go back and reread things and sometimes use things to make videos, which is my other favorite thing to do. Maybe I really need to make a festival or something here. It's a little hard since I am moving away in a little under a year anyway.

I'm really liking having tea or coffee with my friends and visiting, it's super fun. Conversations with folks are always good, I like getting into my feelings and stuff. I was a bad conversationalist when I was a stoner. I didn't really care about anything. I was so unmotivated.

I still can't believe that one ex said I have no ambition. I've always had ambition. It doesn't mean I get funding, but the desire is there. I still have to ask the Canada Council why I didn't get my grant. If they say it's because my support material is too old I will flip out! My newer stuff isn't in the same vein as the work I want to do, it's experimental and doesn't have actors, just me. And another time they didn't give me the money because my support material wasn't like what I want to do. I think juries hate me.

Sometimes I write Like I am Picking My Nose

It's getting colder here. I'm waiting for a frost to kill my pumpkin plants so I can harvest them. Today I was going to make Chilean Empanadas but we didn't have enough flour for the dough. I went fishing with a couple of friends who moved to town, that was fun! We went down to the river. Didn't catch anything, but that was okay.

I had a dream recently that I was thinking about an ex and ended up crying because she dumped me when I went crazy. It was such a bummer dream! Stupid ex. Anyway, oh, and I also keep dreaming about masturbating, which is kind of funny. Because that's something I'm not doing much of these days.

I am feeling much more sure about my future, even though I won't know for sure I am in Grad school until April. I guess I just feel like I can take my life in a slightly different direction. It would be nice to write scripts and get them produced. I don't know what kind of living I would make though. I suppose I could be a sessional too. A little bit of everything.

I'm in a show in Prince Albert this month, that will be kind of fun. Maybe I will meet a cutie pie! I have decided that I am going to buy sealing wax and a custom dachshund seal for my future love letters I will write to my future girlfriend! Yay!

A few days later:

It's Saturday now. I drove my Cuz Deanna around for a few hours tonight, it was super fun! We drove all around town, not so much on the west side, we just went along Spadina almost out of town and also through Downtown. We went to Diefenbaker and Stonebridge and 8th Street and Sutherland and it was super fun. I wiped out on the patio under her apartment and scraped my knee and a little bit of my hand. It hurt! Owiya!

My Mum thinks I shouldn't take Mister with me when I move to Toronto, she thinks he needs to be with his pack. But I need him! He keeps me sane! She is worried he will be responsible for me losing my housing, with his barking and bathroom issues. I am going to have to work on him. I need to read up on dog psychology. We have almost no carpeting left in the house because he kept peeing. Damn! Anyway, I AM worried about the peeing thing. I am going to start crate training him. He needs to be in a place where he feels safe and doesn't need to be on guard watching the house. I don't want him to cry for me either. Poor little sod. If I could have it my way he would come with me everywhere. But he's not a real service dog, so he can't. He does really like Mom's dogs, but he also misses me a lot when I am gone. He loves me the best out of everyone.

I really have to start working on my scholarly paper about lesbian spectatorship and subtext in mainstream television. I've decided to focus on television, because that's really where a lot of the shippers turn to. I want to include a little bit about Marceline/Princess Bubblegum because there is some lesbian subtext in Adventure Time. I need to see more episodes! So far I have watched all the way to almost the middle of Season Three. We don't have Cartoon Network here so I can't see new ones. I've got to start watching my Star Trek Voyagers again too I guess, I taped all the ones that have subtext in them. They are in a box somewhere! I also wanted to talk about slashy fan fic and the creation of alternate narratives as an extension of lesbian spectatorship. I had better start sourcing some academic writings to back up my points. There's tons written about it, I just have to find it.

So, dog training, academic writing, blah de blah. I am busy with all of that. I am also trying to go through this blog to pull out essays for a book. It's been kind of funny, because my writing style is so weird and sometimes I make good points and sometimes I write like I am picking my nose. At least that is how it feels to me.

I am going for coffee with my old gym buddy tomorrow, and in the afternoon I am going to try and make Sweet Potato Pie, if I can. I really want to. I love Sweet Potato Pie. I think I will name my daughter Sweet Potato. Either that or I will start calling Little Mister "Sweet Potato Man!"

Destiny!

After a long period of thought and consideration, I have decided to apply to York after all, but not for Film Production, I am going to apply for Screenwriting. It's supposedly the only MFA in screenwriting in Canada! I've been looking in to what to do about this one semester I got all F's! It was because I basically just ran away from school and didn't do any work because I was starting to go crazy, and then I dropped out and moved to Montreal, where I ended up in a psych ward. BLAH! Anyway, it's really impacted all the other times I have applied to Masters programs, and I think it's booted me out of being seriously considered for their programs. Luckily, York has a modified admissions process for people with mental health disabilities. I can write 500 words about my disability and how it impacted my grades, and include a letter from my psychiatrist. And so hopefully they will look at my grades outside of that one bad semester, because I did get good grades otherwise.

Anyway, as part of the screenwriting portfolio they want to see a feature screenplay, so I am going to include Bunnyhug! And for my thesis I can either write a feature or a television series. I'm thinking I am going to write a television series! I have the idea for it already! I've actually been thinking about this idea for a long time. It's gonna be a comedy.

The reason I think I would do better in the screenwriting program is because I really like writing and I think I would have more fun honing my ability to tell a story than just learning how to make a film. They also have some production classes you can take in the screenwriting program anyway. And some Cinema and Media Studies classes. I think it would be a better fit with me.

Anyway, that is what I have been thinking about. I bought some sweet potatoes today, gonna make a pie! I've never made a sweet potato pie before, but I discovered I really like them, so I want to learn! I'm totally getting domestic these days! I ate some of my homemade freezer jam tonight, which was nice. Totally sucks how runny it is tho!

I'm doing alright with my sobriety from pot and drinking. It's almost eight months for being weed free. And it will be four months or something without booze on the 18th. I should look into when I quit. Was it may? I have it on my facebook. I'm still struggling with quitting smoking, that seems to be the hardest one to quit. It's pretty addictive, more so than the other ones I think.

So anyway, for my masters application, which is due in January, I have to get a scholarly article written, a portfolio of my videos, and a writing portfolio. I also need transcripts, a letter from my doctor, a statement of interest, and that 500 words about my disability. I'm going to apply for some scholarships and bursaries too. I will hopefully get something.

I'm just worried about moving to Toronto. I'll need money to move, I'll have to get a new iPhone because this one is locked to Sasktel, I'll have to get my dog properly housetrained so he doesn't pee on rugs, and I'll have to find a decent place to live that isn't crazy expensive, but is also in a nice neighborhood. I'm worried I won't have enough money to live out there. I don't know how much Little Pine pays for living allowance these days, but I am sure it's not much, and my family can't afford to support me this time. I might have to get a part time job or something. We'll see what happens. A company I used to work for in Vancouver has another office in Toronto, I might be able to work there. It's call centre work, blah! But that might be okay if it gets me a little bit of money to get through school for two years. And in my second year I can be a TA and make a little bit of money doing that. I think they get paid anyway.

My psychic told me in my first reading I had with her that I would move to Toronto, so it does seem likely that I will end up there. Just with the cultural events there alone there is so much happening. That would be really nice to be around, again. I do miss big city living sometimes.

I'll miss my mom a lot though. We're really close. It's been nice living in the same city these last few years. And it's been nice seeing my sister so much and my grandparents, I will miss that too! But I feel like I have some kind of destiny I have to fulfill.

Polyamorous Peer Pressure can go suck a dick!

I'm doing better these days. I got out of my funk, which is really good. In fact I've been almost chipper. I bought strawberries from the Strawberry Ranch and made Freezer Jam. For a first attempt at jam it is pretty good, except for some reason the pectin didn't set right so it's really runny. I'm not sure how to fix that. It's too late now anyway.

I have been working both at my business and picking up needles. It's been nice making money.

I am getting over my last unrequited love, so that's good. I'm not quite so hurt by it and I am more open to meeting someone new. The only problem is, I don't know where to meet someone. I'm really worried I have no options for a girlfriend in this town. They would have to be a pretty spectacular person. So that worries me, because I don't want to settle for someone I don't think highly of. I'm fairly picky. And I'm aware I have to get even PICKIER because like my psychic and my mom both say, in the past I've been attracted to people with fairly large mean streaks. My psychic actually said I shouldn't date someone who's like a bad dog who's gonna suddenly rip my throat out one day! She said I look at people and see their potential, and I have to stop that and see them for who they are. She also said I have to align my softhearted inner self with my outer self which comes across very differently.

I have also been giving something a lot of thought for a few years now. I am ready to give up trying to be polyamorous. I can't do it properly. I can only focus on one partner at a time, and in the past that partner has always gotten pissed off that I don't have other partners too, because THEY do! In truth, I think the only reason I have been polyamorous in all my other relationships is because of peer pressure, and I don't think that's a good reason to be poly. So I have decided my next relationship must be monogamous. And I don't know what that means for me. I mean, what if it means no one will want to date me because I'm into monogamy? People act like you are really uncool if you want monogamy, and they start spouting off things about how it's all about ownership and blah blah blah. I'm tired of it. I just want to find a nice girlfriend who treats me good and doesn't want to sleep around with scads of other people and is willing to explore all kinds of sex with me. I'm interested in doing A LOT of things that I just haven't done with other lovers, and I think it would be better to do them with one person because then you can really discover things about them and what they like and all that.

In short, I think monogamy might be more in line with my softhearted inner value system and be less harmful to my heart. I never liked seeing my lovers with other lovers, so damned awkward! And I never liked the feeling of never being satisfied, always having to keep looking for lovers even when I had a perfectly good one already. I'd be quite content with one girlfriend. And it would be nice to have my girlfriend only focused on me as a lover, and no one else. I'm selfish, I want all the loving time to be with me. I mean, I'm quite independent, and I would hope my next girlfriend is too. I like alone time, and time to just be with my friends, but I'd like that loving energy to just be between me and one other person. It would be less complicated. Also, I think a lot of people are just crap at polyamory. It seems to rarely be done in respectful ways.

I think I was just polyamorous because after I would sleep with someone the first time, I would find out THEY were poly, and so then I had to be poly if I wanted to keep sleeping with them. It's really bad. THIS TIME I am going to ask upfront, no sleeping with someone then getting attached and then settling for a situation I'm really not comfortable with.

Sometimes I worry love isn't what people are looking for anymore, they are just looking for sex with as many people as possible. Tonight there was this funny conversation with the friends I was hanging out with about trying to have casual sex properly, and I realized casual sex just isn't enough for me. I don't want to be someone's booty call. And I was never good at casual sex anyway because I DO get attached after having sex, SO EASY! And I have often had sex WAY TOO SOON! Without even learning enough about what kind of person I was having sex with, what they wanted, what their values were, etc etc. And then I would end up forming relationships with women who really weren't able to give me what I want or deserve. AND what's worse is I wouldn't dare demand more!

So that's all very interesting. I have to break this cycle!

In other news, well, not much really. I'm trying to circulate more. I really don't know where I'm going to meet an appropriate girlfriend. I tried with OK Cupid but everyone's like, a polyamorous bisexual. Also, I am trying to stick with lesbians for a while. I'm kind of wore out from dating bisexuals. Almost all my girlfriends have identified as bisexual while I was dating them (a couple ended up being lesbians later) and I'm just tired of competing with penises. Penises make babies and I can't knock up my girlfriend. And truthfully, it does seem a lot of bisexual women are more interested in men or take their relationships with men more seriously. Is it heteronormativity? I don't know, I just know I am going to get in a lot of shit for saying that about bisexual women. Even just in my family, the bisexual women have outright said they would prefer to settle down with men than women, which I find really sad.

My Mum thinks the problem is I want to date Femmes, but I think it's more the poly bi thing that has been the issue. There ARE Femme lesbians, I know enough of them. Just I don't know many in Saskatoon, and none that are single. I could date a Butch though, some Butch on Butch action would be fun. One of my best girlfriends was Butch. Oh well, who knows what will happen? Only my psychic knows for sure!

I saw this cute girl on Facebook who was a friend of a friend so me and said friend creeped her facebook and I was trying to figure out how old she was. She didn't list her birth year though. BUT she did list her grad year from high school. 2005!!! JESUS CHRIST! I was graduating from university in 2005, and that was after dropping out for three years! So nope, too young! I like women my own age, I'm starting to become an old fuddy duddy and I need someone who would be happy hanging out at home with the animals and making pies and stuff.

Anyway, that's enough of this! If you know anyone in Saskatoon who meets all the above criteria, please send them my way!