I did see the friend I had wanted to confess my feelings too, but it all went to shit! :( I was really awkward and told her I loved her, and then she said I love you too but she meant as a friend. And then I told her I wanted to kiss her still and she said we are just friends, sorry. And then I felt really awkward but I was letting it go. And then I thought it was okay, but when I got back home to Canada I got a message from her on facebook that she felt weird and that I was too much and she thought we should get some distance from each other and I felt really shitty for having feelings. And then she put me on her restricted list on facebook so I can't see much of her profile anymore. I was trying to put her on restricted too, but I couldn't figure it out and then I felt stupid and like, why would I do that anyway? So I am bummed out. And I do feel shitty for having feelings, which isn't very nice. Oddly enough it is helping me get over her because I don't want to love someone who makes me feel badly for having feelings. So I feel pretty crappy. I hadn't wanted to fuck up our friendship and now I have and I don't know what to do about it. I can't do anything about it because she wants us to not talk until she gets in touch with me at some point in the future. When she stops feeling weird.
So I feel like my feelings are icky. UGH! What a shitty feeling. I hope I never made my friends who were in unrequited love with me feel this badly about it. I've fallen in unrequited love before, so it's not a new thing, but this messing up a friendship is totally new, I've never managed to do that before!
I AM glad though that I can move on now and find someone else. My cousin Deanna told me not to feel bad for being true to myself and that I don't have to apologize for telling someone how I feel. She is wise that Deanna! Anyway, I wouldn't ordinarily write about it on here, but I figure since I did write about WANTING to confess my feelings, I should let my readers know what happened in the end. So that's what happened. True story!
I've been in a foul mood ever since. Not Kicking Puppies foul, but just being crabby and ornery. I'm trying not to take it out on the people around me. But I can't help feeling gross, like I grossed her out! So that is sad. And she was a really good friend too. So it's distressing.
My psychic says I am supposed to get into my next serious relationship in September or October. I am looking forward to that. I have no idea who it will be. My future date in Regina ended up dating a dude again, so that's not gonna happen. Maybe I will meet someone entirely new. It's coming up pretty quick. She says it should have already happened though. Who is it??? So curious! I hope they live in Saskatoon and aren't prejudiced against intergenerational households!
And now for something boring: I went to the dentist today! I got my teeth cleaned and it HURT SO MUCH and she went under the gums to get out calculus or whatever the hell it is called. I don't think it's called calculus is it? That's a type of arithmetic. And this thing she used gave off a high pitched squealing noise and freaked me out! It went right down my neck and made me squirm! So I have to go back on the 2nd for more cleaning, and a filling! Sigh!
I've been having the best sleeps since I got home, I fall asleep right away! Well, except for last night after I got the message from my friend and found out I was restricted. I kind of lay awake for a while fretting and feeling bad. But I saw tiny lights in the room sort of flying around. Spirits I guess. One was small and green, and swooped up from the pillow into the air. They seemed friendly. I hadn't seen or heard any spirits in Germany, so I guess they like to hang around on Canadian soil. There are a lot of them here. I felt like they were checking in on me to make sure I was okay. Which was really nice. I do know a lot of dead people. Apparently they don't like being called dead people though.
It's cold out here. I am sitting in the sun porch. My hair is greezy! I should wash it. I have no clue what the future will bring anymore. Maybe I should listen to my psychic reading again. I hope my friend and I make up. I don't know how long she's going to avoid me. :/ I hope this doesn't end up making me avoid telling people I love them when I do. It seems to be a harsh penalty to pay.