Prayer of the week

I'm back to looking for work, and soon! I need something to fill in my long days and take away from my career for a while. LOL. No, I don't consider work to be that huge a burden. Although it will be a definite change of pace from life right now.

I'm still doing well with not smoking. I've done all kinds of things and not smoked cigarettes. I still only had that one slip way way back when I first started quitting. It's been weeks now. I'm on Step 2 of The Patch. It seems to be working. I didn't notice the change from Step 1. I'm a little more tired though. It's not such a heavy stimulant, and I've noticed being able to sleep more even when I am wearing it.

I'm pretty sleepy now, don't know why I"m even writing. We might have come into contact with bedbugs in the UK. Mum has big welty bites on her arms and legs, and I have a few on my wrist and ankles. So, eeehhhh! I hope we didn't bring them with us, although I hear they can't survive Saskatchewan winters. Let's pray it's true!

Absinthe

I'm feeling goofy, having had some absinthe. And also still being terribly jet lagged. I'm pretty ready to go to sleep. It's nice being back in Canada, I can't imagine living any other place.

I really like my footage. I'm very tired though, again. I am premiering You Are A Lesbian Vampire in Toronto at ImagineNative. Exciting! And I'm also showing Madness In Four Actions there.

We picked up Mister and Schrodinger today. They had a good time at summer camp (aka the kennel), Mister came out of his shell a LOT more, and made friends with some of the dogs there. He's also friendlier to my friends, which is nice. Schrodinger spent the time in the office with Mimi, my mum's cat. He had his mouse with him. It's a little fuzzy green thing.

Oh man, I should crash. Deanna liked the semi precious stone runes I got her. Now she can give me rune readings!!

An experiment in exhausted writing

I feel like I'm lost in time somewhere between day and night. In Edinburgh time it's now 7 am, but here in Saskatoon where I am again it is only midnight. It feels WAY later. I'm really confused and I feel out of sorts because I've been awake for 24 hours! On a plane! Ugh! My ass hurts, I've been sleeping in skinny beds, I didn't poop for a day, I've eaten crappy airline food and watched two movies back to back. I fretted the whole way about two pricey bottles of absinthe stashed in my checked luggage and had my ears pop over and over. I'm so fucking tired but I'm also stoned and it feels intense! And I'm so tired but I have to decompress before I can possibly lie down. I have some amazing footage including something I really have never seen before and could be a youtube hit.

I'm exhausted. Not to mention I decided I HAD to answer my email and most of it was about my upcoming group show at the National Gallery, and now I'm not sure my tired mind is adept enough for that.

Ah well. It's nice to answer business email. Much less pressure than answering personal mail.

I'm SLEEPY! I'm crashing man, it's LATe :LATE LATE for me! Actually I think, oh my ear finally popped, I think I'm going to look at my stuff first, then go to bed. Yes. Oh man it's late.

Almost home!

Today we're finally going to do the Gay neighborhood! I know where it is and we are ALMOST there! Tomorrow we're seeing penguins march about at the Zoo.

I'm getting really excited to go home now, we're so close and I'm so ready to be done carrying around cameras and tripod and suitcases filled to the brim with clothes and gifts for people. I did find some absinthe here, now will it get me into trouble, I do not know, but I will obviously keep you updated.

I've been really good about taking my meds but one night I did hear something weird that sounded suspiciously like an unintelligible voice in my head. My voices rarely ever say anything like a sentence, sometimes they aren't even in English. It was the first time I'd heard anything weird since I got out of the hospital. That one WAS intelligible and said 'The story goes that in the end you'll be normal.' Weird huh? I don't mind auditory hallucinations but they can be kind of annoying and scare people if you talk about them openly. So I usually don't.

What else? Today we're going to try and meet Liam for dinner, he used to go out with my cousin and is a nice guy, now he lives here in Edinburgh and seems to never want to come home. God bless him! I think the place suits him.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about my trip thus far, oh except now I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster AT ALL! Science doesn't support something so big living there as the fish stocks are rather low and it just isn't possible. So one little paranormal belief, gone! I do believe in Giant Squids though, as they've been proven to exist. Not paranormal at all though, unless it was, say, the ghost of a giant squid.

The Last Leg of my Journey

We're going to the Infamous Loch Ness today on a boat tour. Maybe we'll see the monster! It's been incredibly fun and we've seen some very cool things. I'm going to be glad to get home though to see my little dog and my kitten. I had a dream about my cat last night, dreamt I tied him to some balloons and then realized he might fly high in the sky away from me. I also dreamed my stomach had tons of surface piercings and I had no recollection of doing them, only to find out Mike did it while I was drunk and high! Weird dream!

I've been having lots of weird dreams since quitting smoking, they are very trippy.

It's a Sunday, we have to take some laundry back to the BAndB and then get a spot of lunch and then go on our excursion. It's a cloudy day but no rain, thankfully. When we did our archaeological tour of the Orkneys it was spitting misty rain off and on, our tour guide was amazing though and had an obvious love of the land.

So far I've tried Scottish crab, Scottish Lamb, and Scottish Steak! Yummers!

i'M SUCH A HOMEBODY AT HEART THOUGH! I love Saskatoon and am happy to have made my home there, after such a long time in Vancouver. I appreciate it more now.

It's been an incredible journey and I'm so happy to have come here. It will be interesting to see how my video turns out.

Super freak, she's super freaky! Yeah!

It's now well into our holiday/shoot and I've got some great footage. We saw some puffins in Wick and I got two of them on tape but they are very small. We came into Kirkwall today to do a spot of shopping and I have to say, I'm glad we picked Stromness to stay in because it is far prettier.

The food is good from time to time, I still haven't tried haggis because it sounds offal. Ha ha! But we did get some Scots bannock here, we haven't tried it yet but we will!

Scotland is an interesting place to visit, everywhere seems so rich with history. Being in the Orkneys is interesting because they still have very strong ties with Norway and with their viking heritage. I found some wicked presents for people, or one person anyway, and oddly enough we found a Lonely Planet guide for the Trans Siberian Railway. Our next trip, hopefully!

Travelling with Mum is excellent except that she often has to find a bathroom. Poor lady. We haven#t seen any seals, but I am hoping we might see Dolphins at Inverness. We're also going on a boat tour of Loch Ness soon. Maybe we'll see some humps! My humps . . .

The weather was miserable in edinburgh, but it has vastly improved for the rest of our trip. Mum wasn't impressed with Edinburgh castle. The really interesting part of our trip was Wick when we wandered about discovering things about our relative who lived there.

Anyway, back to Facebook I guess! I'm glad we've had internet access every so often because I had to attend to a couple business emails. I'm going to be in a show at the National Gallery in October, and in late September I'm going to the Lower Mainland for a few days to be part of a shoot.

Short note!

Here in Scotland the sun has finally decided to peek through the clouds. I don't have much time to write here, suffice it to say that I am doing well with my mum here and we've learned some interesting things about our past. We're in Wick right now staying just around the corner from my great grandma's house. We found the butcher shop where my great grandad used to work too. It is no longer a butcher shop. Now it's the Volunteer centre.

Well, that's about all the stuff I can write in my allotted time! Curse the slow library computer! I am coming out to the Lower Mainland in September, so I'm excited to see my friends. I've quit smoking for about 16 days now. And it's going good! I'm repulsed by noncanadian cigs at the best of times, so this is a good experience. Til later!

SCOTLAND!

It's only a couple days until I head off to Scotland, and I'm excited as all hell. The days are going to be busy! Oh man, and I had a weird night last night. Some thuggy dude called my friend a faggot, and then another guy yelled at us and chased us. We were smoking up the last time, so our only option was to run like the wind! LOL.

I'm so having trouble with my sleeping, I keep sleeping in. I know I won't on vacation, but still it's a concern, especially with work coming up soon. I need to be able to get up on time.

I'm sleeping through a buzzing alarm too, it's not pleasant but somehow I can do it. Ugh!

I have to do something about this.

I used to wish I was called a sexpert. I used to want to be a sexpert. I think I still do, which is kind of funny. I thought I would have grown out of those day dreams.

Anyway, SCOTLAND!

No smoking and my traveling reading materials

Well, it's day 3 of being on the patch and still I have only smoked once. My shirt actually smells not bad and I'm coughing a bit to get the plegm out. Ew. The patches are really helping, I only think about cigarettes now when I'm first in a situation where I would have smoked. I'm not partying any time soon, so there won't be that situation to think about smoking. And then I will be in Scotland, and I won't think about smoking anyway. Still, I am getting enough patches to get me through Scotland.

I'm pretty psyched about going. It's my first BIG trip in a long time. I hope we can afford it, it seems insanely expensive. As insane as a psychosis though? Hmm, not quite.

Since I have nothing else to talk about, I will now list what I am taking with me on the plane:

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
A sort of primer for BDSM bottoms in the ins and outs and dos and don'ts. Pretty useful.

Diva, the Special Gender Issue August 2008
I haven't read any of it yet, it's a UK dyke mag. Danielle Sea was on the cover.

Filmmaker The Magazine of Independent Film Summer 2008
25 new faces of Independent Film!

Film Comment July August 2008
Wall-e!

NAVIGATING THE space Between Brilliance and Madness
A Reader and Roadmap of Bipolar Worlds
Assembled by the Icarus Project
It's a sweet zine like collection of writings by other folks with bipolar and related disorders. It gave me a warm feeling when I picked it up in the store. Plus it's realistic about meds, which was nice.

Best Lesbian Erotica 08 edited by Tristan Taormino
I think the last time I bought lesbian erotica was in the late nineties. It's good to update my bookshelf.

short

Tomorrow I am interviewing my Grandparents. It should be interesting fer sure. I got my hair cut and I feel (and probably look) tons better. I was getting shaggy. Pretty soon we're off on an adventure. I'm going to have to do some things before we go though. Like interviewing tomorrow. And CLEANING!!

I have lots to do to clean my place, well, not TONS, I could probably do the whole place in an hour and a half. Or less.

I'm so tired!!! I should go to bed!

The Dark Side of Humanity

I think I should just be honest about this. Although most mentally ill people ARE peaceful and non-violent, we all know what it's like to be out of control. Maybe that's why the murder in Manitoba scares me, not because I could kill anyone, but just that some people really do flip out that hardcore. Not often though. There's a reason every one is shocked by this crime, because it's out of the ordinary, even among persons living with altered states such as me. My god, at my craziest I usually can't even kill a bug or eat meat, never mind assaulting someone. I have done bad things while crazy, which is why it can ruin your life, bleh, but eventually I was hospitalized.

It seems like the murderer just fell through the cracks in the mental health system. It was mentioned he was in a psych facility for four days, but four days is nothing, not even long enough to get stabilized on meds. Did he have follow up care? Or was he just unmedicated and floating around in a delusion?

It's a sad situation all around. One person's dead and the other person wants to be dead. And people are clamouring for the death penalty to come back. Now that is insane. This is CANADA! Plus I don't think it would look good on the international stage to start executions of mentally ill persons, no matter how heinous the crime. I don't think any executions are justifiable.

It really affected people. When I heard details about it I felt physically ill. I won't go into them here, you can google it on your own. But it was quite gruesome.

I think one of the things that has bothered me is how many people are also asking for people to be locked away in institutions like in the old days. Ugh, do you know how crappy it is to live in an institution? And besides that, with the new drugs a great number of people can live normal lives in the rest of society, where we belong! I don't want to be segregated because of my illness when for the most part I am fine. That'd suck.

It's a touchy topic. Obviously something failed. A simple carry on baggage check could have prevented it. Or police could have been called when some people noticed him acting weirdly the night before. But really all this are what if's, clearly what has happened happened.

It's the reason though, at least that's what people are thinking. Tim McLean is dead because his neighbor was crazy. It's a scary and simplistic explanation of what happened and is enough to satisfy people's questions. But I have questions, like did the murderer have a violent past, I mean clearly he had some strange intentions for a huge "Rambo" knife. Whatever happened, it's this dark side of humanity that pops up and shocks the hell out of us sometimes.

Do I LOOK like a peanut to you? Do I? Huh?

In eight days I'm off to Scotland. Pretty exciting!!! I hope my mom is better by then, she's been warding off a nasty infection with some antibiotics. Everything's ready, I have to buy some videotapes, but that's about it. My passport arrived safe and sound, and I have to say, I look like some kind of thug from a native terrorist group. It's embarrassing. About as embarrassing as my first ECIAD id that made my head look like a peanut.

Well what can you do but sniff some glue?

I looked so young and beautiful in my first passport photo. Damn! WHAT HAPPENED!? About 10 years I reckon.

I went to the Fringe here but Didn't go to the plays, which kinda sucked because that's the whole point. I think my mom and I are going to try and see something at the Fringe in Edinburgh. That's the plan anyway.

Or just go where there are buskers. That's fun too. Once I saw Juicy Danger do a show at English Bay, and I'd gone all by myself just to see the ocean. It was nice.

When I think about it, I used to do a lot of stuff alone. I liked it. It was fun being a young woman on my own in public. You'd be surprised how people react to it sometimes. Traveling on my own is fun too. I'd like to do more things alone, like go out to a movie or something. Guy Maddin's My Winnipeg is showing at the Broadway in Sept. I'm thinking it would be nice to go alone.

I'm trying to think of a way to carve out a decent living for myself in between projects. A friend suggested temp work until I get enough experience to stay in some office type job. That would be nice. I like doing office support staff work. It has enough mild variety and occasional office intrigue to keep me going. Some workplaces turn into soap operas, it's kind of crazy. Like me.

I'm still trying to think of something to say about the Tim McLean murder and the media around it especially, but the news changes everyday. I was happy to hear that hundreds turned out to keep that Westboro Baptist Church from protesting. And that some were turned away at the border. I just hope that in the future when that bizarrely homophobic congregation come back to Canada to protest something that the same degree of sentiment towards keeping them out will apply. OMG! They had better NOT protest my funeral! In fact, I'm surprised they do get to protest places like soldier's funerals. I mean the Winnipeg police said they'd arrest anyone who disrupts the funeral, but in the States it seems to be groups of bikers who keep them away from funerals.

Ah well. Bikers do nice things.

What else? A PERSON I know took a research drug and had a bad trip for THREE days! Oh man, that's a harsh lesson to learn. No way would I do a drug nobody knows anything about. All my prescriptions are some well tested drugs. I think. No one really knows the LONG term outcome of these meds, like what they will do to me in old age. They can guess, but only based on older medications effects. Maybe I will turn into a turnip, damn!

Thirty and still single

Summer is coming to a close, and I have to find a job doing something I enjoy I hope. I'm open to all kinds of jobs really. Well, no. I don't know. I'm hoping to find something I can stick with though.

I'm also really wanting to be with someone again. I'm not sure who, I would have to meet someone I guess. Saskatoon isn't very big. I'd be open to a long distance thing I guess, although they can be really unsatisfying. Hmm. I keep getting these depressing ads on Facebook that say "Thirty and Still Single?" And then go to guys personal ads. Well That does not help me at all, and it just makes me feel and probably look desperate. Really desperate, considering I am a lesbian.

The truth is that I'm at the mercy of fate on this. I mean, I really don't know who I will meet or what kind of woman I'll fall in love with again. I'm in that terrible limbo between lovers when you don't know when you'll meet someone again. Ugh!

But really I've also been trying to think of an appropriate response to the recent stabbing and beheading on the Greyhound in Manitoba. I'm think of writing something along the lines of mental health and how the system fails people in need of help. BUT THEN there are also all kinds of other issues at hand, like it's impact on strengthening the stigma towards persons with mental health issues.

Anyway, I have not much else noteworthy to say today. I'm kinda flat. I'm thirty and still single, it's not terribly exciting.

I can masturbate as much as I want to!

Being single and sexual is a strange thing. Not being cut out for casual romping, I've had to create a semi interesting masturbatory life. Although I fear that it has become ROUTINE!

Sexual satisfaction on a routine basis sounds fine, until you think about all the interesting things I could have done to myself to spice it up. I am a deviant by nature, so things like hot wax, needles, tying myself up, I mean, there really are TONS of things I could be doing besides routine handjobs.

And I wonder to myself, how can it get so routine? I'll buy vibrators to spice it up a bit, but even that can become routine and rote. So I am putting out a challenge to myself and other fellow masturbators to incorporate more variety into masturbation!

Here are a few suggestions.

Buy a bondage book and some rope and experiment with different forms of bondage.

Use an object that seems appealing in some way.

Try it with nipple clamps on!

Experiment with sensations from different things like feathers and candle wax.

More suggestions? Add them in my comments!

I just think it's a shame that something as fun as masturbation ends up being edged out of our lives into neat little slots of convenience. Maybe I should have dates with myself. LOL. Really though, I don't understand people who diss masturbation. It's an excellent stress reliever. And I've recently heard that it's good for women who want to have orgasms easier with a partner or alone.

It's a funny topic, people don't really want to talk about masturbation because it's kind of seen as second rate sex. And because it's naughty. I've often wondered about people who DON'T do it, that seems a little more suspect to me.

Not Diabetes!

Acid Reflux! ? I know, weird hey? I went to my doctor and she thinks I've been having trouble eating because of acid reflux. So I'm on some new meds. And So my weight loss is from not eating as much.

Damn, I really wish I could go to mom's and eat, but I have to go somewhere else. Oh well. I will figure it out later.

I'm bored right now. I guess that's not the best state to write in. OH! We saw a weird light out by Dakota Dunes / Cranberry Flats! It hovered in one spot kind of high up in the sky, and it would turn on and off and sometimes get really bright. At one point I thought I could see a red light on it. And my friend saw a yellow light. It went lower and higher but it mostly stayed in that one spot. It creeped us out, even watching it from a fully lit parking lot was a little creepy. And when we first saw it we were right out at Cranberry Flats standing outside the car smoking. Chills! UFO thrills!

I shouldn't have said that I wanted to see something. Still, it wasn't as freaky as those two lights we saw that one October. In 2006, what a strange time.

Side Effect Lane

I have one very queer side effect, lactation. Sometimes small amounts of milk get secreted and I'll end up with a wet t-shirt. Not DRENCHED, my god! Just little spots. How embarrassing. I started lactating on the trip we took one day. I think it was because I was not wearing a bra. What a weird freakin' side effect!

The other unfortunate side effect is occasional incontinence. Terrible! And it's related to my meds, apparently.

My quality of life is fine though, aside from those two things. Oh yeah, AND I lost a bunch of weight and now we're worried it's diabetes. crap. Crap crap crap. I will find out soon!

Scotland is going to be so much fun!!!! Ahhhh! Scotland! My homeland! One of them anyway. I'm pretty excited about going, and so is Mum. I'm so glad she's coming with me! We will get to spend quality time together on an adventure! I also hear the girls there are good looking. But it was a fellow Scots telling me that, so who knows. I am paying a bazillion dollars for my beloved animals to go to a kennel. I wish I could pay someone to look after them, but it seems no one can do it. So to the kennel they go. My cousin Shannon didn't help matters when she said "That's like jail for dogs."

Mister will probably hate it! Oh man! Schrodinger will think of it as a new adventure.

Anyway, I'm lactating as I type.

It's not so bad, at least it's not gushes and gushes. Men can start lactating on the meds I'm on too. Weird eh? I didn't know men could do it either.

Fact: Women can ejaculate and men can lactate.

You know, it really shows how similar the "two sexes" are.

Well that's enough about men.

What elsez? I'm feeling creative and therefore sexy! I wish I had someone to romp with. Someone cute and femme and around my age! Someone with a job! Someone who likes to take me out places. Someone who will buy me piercings and tattoos!

Well that's enough for a personal ad.

Metis?

Scotland is coming up really really soon! 25 days! I got my passport application in today, whew! It will arrive no later than one week before we leave. I was assured anyway. Maybe 2 weeks. People are getting them pretty quick.

It's good to have as well, in case one of my new tapes takes me to a festival overseas. That would be nice.

So I'm pretty excited to go to Scotland, I have no idea what I will discover. Will it feel like home, is what I really want to know. It will be an adventure, to be sure.

Yes, I'm Scots and Cree, which technically makes me Metis. And yet I continue to identify as a halfbreed, or biracial. I guess I feel like I wasn't raised with specifically metis culture, so I don't feel comfortable with the label.

Our family is very Cree. Especially with the Cree humour.

So soon!

I'm still looking for someone to look after my pup and kitty, after my arrangement with my grandparents fell through. So if any of my local friends ever read this, and you would like to housesit two cats and a small weiner dog let me know.

I'm feeling rather optimistic about life these days. I hope its not mania! LOL.

Being bipolar is intense, but manageable. To think that some pills make everything better. I wouldn't go off meds again, not with the repercussions of the last time I went off meds still resonating in my broken heart. No! I've made a renewed commitment to my own stability. I don't want to have to go back to the hospital, although I have heard of breakthrough episodes. Bleh to them! I think it's just a bizarre illness to have. Sometimes I wish I didn't have it, but then sometimes I think it's inspired me in certain ways. Whatever it is, it's something I have to work with for the rest of my life.

I'm also losing weight really fast. My pants are all baggy, and I just bought them a few months ago. This could be good but rapid weight loss is also a sign of diabetes, so I have to go into my doctor and get tested for it. Crap! Plus I have to get a note explaining my medication for Scottish Customs.

I like the weight loss in and of it self. I've been wanting to lose about 20 pounds. If not more. My meds really made me get bigger. I grew out of a righteous leather jacket! Sadness!

Bears at Ness Creek

So I went camping, listened to music, and did some drugs. It was a crazy wild time at Ness, but I did end up getting enough sleep and lucky for me no bears attacked the tent. The place was lousy with bears. We saw two of them meters away from our tent, the first looked like an adolescent bear and ate Janelle's vegan food, even the cous cous. We tried to scare it away but I was terrified and we just slowly backed away from it. It stood on it's hind legs and sniffed us! We fled for the stage. The next day we spotted another bear near our campsite, roughly in the same spot as the last one but much bigger. We yelled and banged trees with sticks and it ran away. Yesterday just before we went to bed there was yet another bear at the community kitchen, but we didn't see it, and we heard gun shots and found out they shot a bear. so the rumour went.

The music was nice, and the campground was really nice, we had a firepit. On the last night of Ness on Saturday some guy had a bad trip and started running around screaming "I am me! I am Me! Allah!" then he jumped on some girls tents and collapsed one.

Oh yes, and someone my cuz knows did have their tent slashed open by a bear! AND it dragged her blankets out into the rain and peed on them!

The funny thing is that I wasn't having nearly as much fun as I thought I would. One night I was worried about my cousin, and then I was also seriously considering just ditching drugs altogether for my future. I'm not liking them as much as I used to. I mean hard drugs, like e. And I feel like drugs are getting boring. for me. Maybe because I'm 30, maybe the party lifestyle is slowly going away. Not that I ever was a HARDCORE partier. Maybe I was. I dunno. All I know is that certain things are becoming either more important or less, kind of like shedding a skin. Certain habits of mine are slowly wearing away just because I am tired of them.

And the truth is I only ever do E with people way younger than me, funny since when I used to do E years ago it was with 30 year olds.

Anyway, enough about drug use. It was just a theme of the whole Ness Experience and not necessarily the best thing to do when camping around wild bears.

I really do need to develop older friends. I'm starting to really notice a difference between my priorities now compared to when I was twenty. Of course when I was twenty I was hanging around older friends. Hmm. I dunno, I just need to develop more interests and get working on my career more. I have had a great year career wise so far, especially the grant and selling to the National Gallery of Canada.

Oh yeah, and Storytellers is happening this fall and I might get to go to Vancouver when they shoot!

On the home front, not much has changed. My kit kat clock is finally working properly.

Oh yes, I remember why I didn't like Ness so much . . . CAMPING! I was so dirty and smelly and greasy! I hated feeling like that, I felt like I was mentally ill and homeless, which really if you think hard about it, I WAS!!! I paid 70 bucks to be mentally ill and homeless! A tent is not a home, especially not with the leak we got. I did have my meds though and I was taking them. But I'm still mentally ill. My weird disease, who knows why it is there.

At least there were marshmallows.

Cross Your Fingers Vancouver!

I'm going to be the subject of an APTN television crew shooting Storytellers In Motion. and they might fly me out to Vancouver to shoot part of it. It would be so cool to get back to Vancouver for a visit. It's been two years since I've been there! So long! My friends will be old and wrinkly by the time I get to see them again, or so it seemed. I'm excited to see them, I don't know how many friends I'll be able to see. Maybe I will buy a new hat and bunnyhug.

Remember the old playthinge that sugars use to sit and evolve on?

Is what I got in a porn spam today. How elegant, I thought. A sugar sitting on a playthinge and evolving on it. What does sugar evolve into I wonder? Candy. For sure. All different kinds.

But who or what is the playthinge?

I am trying to resolve to write in this more. Going crazy and writing silly things kind of put me off blogging for a while. But I'm enjoying it again I think. 2007 sucked all around for mental health.

2008 has been pretty good.

I pick up my meds tomorrow. I missed last night's meds because I have only one dose left, so I went to bed fine but woke up early. Tonight I'll be appropriately medicated again and then I'll have my bubble packs again. I've been doing the bubble packaging ever since getting out of the hospital, since I'm now on quite the cocktail of meds.

100mg of Seroquel
6mg of Risperdone
750mg of Epival
20mg of Celexa

It really works, especially since I have some pretty bad manias and pretty severe depressions. None of that for several months now. It's been pretty even, I just get grumpy now and then if I forget my meds. It's good being stable.

I didn't party at all last night, if you are wondering. I just came home and goofed around on the internet before going to bed. There was some big rave last night but I didn't go, I think my raving days are over.

Getting older is so funny, only a few months ago I was still in my twenties. Now I'm thirty and still waiting for the right woman. Sigh. I feel old compared to the people I've been hanging out with, who are in their early twenties. I need some older friends. Or rather, I need to spend more time with them, since I do have bunches of friends my age.

You know but you acting like you don't know!

I'm still getting carded though. Even with this huge fuckin dragon tattoo on my forearm people still wonder if I'm underage. Not to mention all my other tattoos.

I found this old footage I shot on Mini DV that I want to do something with, but I don't know what yet. It's really beautiful.

My mom and I are getting along a lot better. Although she was doing this immense job of ripping up all this grass so she could put her pool in, and I had to help! I hate physical labour. Like digging trenches, noooooo! Don't make me! Now I have dirty fingernails.

I'm resolving to do no more drugs beyond pot. I think I've been pretty lucky with my recreational drug use, of which I have written here, but it's time to retire undefeated. I'm 30, I had my crazy twenties, it was a good time, but it's over. I'm evn thinking of quitting drinking. I don't do it a whole lot, and I don't see the point to it either. Besides that, I want to keep being stable and I know pot hasn't been bad to me in the past. Speedy drugs though, like e, not good.

I'm trying to be better to myself, it's been challenging. I'm trying to schedule in more me time. It's been good so far.

I think I am going to go see Wanted tonight, just because Angelina Jolie is in it and she's my current celebrity crushola.
Be sure to remember the playthinge!

And Grampa's DNA Results Are IN!

He belongs to Haplogroup Q, and was a mammoth hunter in Siberia!

Back from The Roadtrip

I'm back from my whirlwind trip of my Grandfather's ancestral homelands here on the Plains. I got some great footage and learned some pretty cool history, which I now have to condense and relate back to my own family. I saw some petroglyphs, which was really cool, and a buffalo jump, and where we had ceremonies, and all kinds of things.

This video is still morphing as I shoot more and more. I want to interview some people. Some one asked me if I could shoot and edit a promo for them, so I might have a short paying gig, which would be good.

I'm waiting for some artist fees to come in, as usual. It's about that time again.

I just got an awesome tarot card reading that promised some positive things in my career. And Scotland is just around the corner. I'm pretty excited about it, it's going to be so rad discovering that place with my mom there too. It's going to be a lot of fun.

I like travelling with my mom.

Aside from that, I'm going to have to go back to work pretty soon. I have all kinds of footage to play with now though, and I'm still going to interview some people. I'm pretty happy with how this video making life is going. Editing is so ridiculously fun. I really need to make more of a career out of editing than I do now. I'm good at it yo.

I'm glad I do something I'm passionate about.

Things to do with my Body when I'm Dead

Not that I plan to be dead anytime soon. For god's sakes, I just spent a fair chunk of change on a new microphone and some more batteries for my video camera. But there are all kinds of things you can plan to do with your corpse after you have shuffled off this mortal coil.

You could get it sent into space for example, for a small fee.

You could have your bones compressed into a diamond.

You could donate your body to the body farm and let scientists measure how you naturally decompose.

You could donate your body to Gunther Von Hagen's for plasticination and end up being viewed in shows around the world.

Or you could donate your body to science. Which is kind of scary. I mean, who knows what people will do with you.

I've weighed all the options, and since burial kinda disturbs me, I'm going with cremation. I wouldn't want to be a diamond and get lost somewhere along the way. And I definitely would not want to float around for eternity in space.

Did you know they still embalm you for cremation? Kinda weird. Embalming is really bad for the environment. a totally green funeral would be cool, but I've never researched it.

I'm not really this morbid, I don't know why I know so many things you can do with your dead body.

Shyness

I hope people don't think I'm standoffish, I'm just horribly shy.

It's a curse. People say kids grow out of shyness, but no, they just grow into adults with different kinds of shyness. My main shyness is terribly cute girls. They can make me turn beet red. I hope I'm not allergic!

I don't know why I'm so shy around girls. I think it's a lack of self esteem. I have to rely on my personality here, where as in Vancouver I coasted by on video art fame.

Speaking of videos, my distributor V Tape in Toronto is getting my two new tapes, the revamped Madness In Four Actions, and the humourous and sexy short, You Are A Lesbian Vampire. So festival world, OH PLEEZE invite me to a festival somewhere semi glamourous! I will be oh so grateful to have the chance to travel again.

I'm also realizing I'm missing Vancouver. Not in a way of wanting to move there, but just wanting to visit, to see my old haunts, to visit friends and ex lovers, to go to the nudie beach and look for seals and smoke some reefer. Just a nice BC trip. So I can't afford it this year, but next year I'm either going to get a show in Vancouver or I'm going to scrape up enough for a proper visit. It is beautiful, and I have some really close friends out there.

My oldest friend, as in the one I've been friends with the longest, Laurel, has known me since we were two. I try to keep friends, I do have falling outs, but I can be voted most likely to patch it up and move on. Although I have born grudges for longer than I should. I think I'm over that now.

I've grown up a lot since I first moved back to Saskatoon. It's amazing what being thirty will do for you, it puts everything into perspective. I used to be so gung ho about my career. Then I got diagnosed bipolar and getting recovered took a lot out of me. Now I think I'm really ready to work on my career more. I really am totally career driven, I always have been. That was my zen centre, making videos! The writing, the shooting, the editing, and all those lovely festivals. I need to incorporate it into my life more, and having this camera and computer system is just the ticket. I love being able to shoot when ever I want. and edit whenever I want. It's amazing that our world has made this possible, for the average person to have their own mini production suite.

And it's more reliable to have your own camera, you're not dependent on rental cameras which get beat up fast no matter how careful people are. I had my own camera when I was seventeen. It was my birthday present. It was just a consumer hi 8 camera, with no white balance, but I made like, five videos on that thing. Maybe more!

And this one is my baby. Next to my apartment it's my favorite thing I've gotten this year. The camera I mean. I love having shit.

It would be cool if I got a girlfriend this year, but I have to overcome my horrible shyness. It's no fun. Bleh.

I get so squirrelly when I see someone cute. dammit!

My cousin Steven got a girlfriend last year after a really long period of no girlfriend. I'm happy for him, he seems happy. He's turning out nice, I hope.

Anyway, that song up there is Ghosts by Ladytron. and it's dedicated to all the cute girls I miss out on by being shy.

Update on the homelands video

Well my Grampa's haplogroup is STILL unknown, but my Gramma turned out to be an H. Not surprising since half the women in Europe are H's. What is interesting though is that we are ALL, every single human on the planet, descended from one woman in Africa dubbed the mitochondrial Eve. There isn't one man we're descended from, but one woman in everyone's maternal lineage. Pretty cool.

I just finished my vampire video, You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I WAS going to output and stuff tonight, but I left all my new tapes at Mom's house. SO MAYBE TOMORROW> fucking keyboard!

Tomorrow is house cleaning day, which will be nice I guess, because the house sure needs it. fer sure.

We're getting ready for the first big shoot week, which is coming up in less than a fortnight. We're travelling around Grampa's homelands here in Canada and America. It will be a nice road trip.

Firewire is my friend!

I finally got a firewire and have been busy outputting shot video onto my computer. It's been a lot of fun! I'm editing my lesbian vampire video as we speak, type, whatever. It's a voiceover with a heartbeat and then some hot shots of two girls kissing. But I need to throw in a couple more video bits to it, girls kissing cannot carry it all alone, sadly.

I'm trying to give up smoking, but I smoked for pride. I should get back on the patch soon.

I didn't meet any single girls this pride, though I did meet a lesbian I used to go to high school with. I didn't know she was a lesbo then.

Pride was nice, we went to the parade and it didn't rain on us. Mom got me a gay sticker for my bike. We had a hot dog.

Then I partied all night, and now I am still up, musing on my day.

I realy do love making video and shooting and editing it. Its like my favorite thing, even more than drugs!

LOL.

I can't really write this morning, I just felt bad for not giving my blog a newer post.

I smell something floral.

We waited in line at Divas for 35 minutes before giving up. Ugh! They were full and only taking members first. So we came back here for the rest of our fun.

I love Pride, and there were some very sexy girls there.

But even more than Pride, I love my new firewire cable.

Bins

I've been in two psych wards, one in Montreal and one in Saskatoon. The first time in the hospital I got really fucked up over it. THE LAST TIME WASN"T BAD>

I actually had a really good time in the hospital the last time I was there. I mean ya it was boring and all, but they spoke english! And I made some good friends. I actually ran into a guy last night who remembers me from the hospital. It was a positive experience, and they were so concerned about what my follow though care would be afterwards. It wasn't like the first time, getting shoved out with an official designation as crazy.

At least crazy isn't a full time thing though.

Last night I got ripped on drugs, I am STILL up, and I had the best talk with my straight friend Preston about sucking tit and eating pussy.

I'm chewing gum. I'm wide awake and I wish I could go to sleep.

But really, now I know that my first experience in the bin was an anomaly. Montreal wards suck major ass, somethings wrong with that city as far as their mental health care system.

We all went to the Yard to celebrate Deanna's birthday. Then we went to Lydias, and then a bunch of us came to my house and stayed up all night. They've all crashed now And I am still awake! i now I'll crash soon though/ But what a fun night!

I've made a new vow to only do pot on special occassions. Like once or twice a month. I'm quitting everyday pot use. I really think it will improve my creativity to cut back that much.

Victim Girlfriend Wanted

LIFE IS QUIET< WHICH IS KIND OF GOOD> i'm really missing going to festivals though, which means I have to get my videos out there again. I'm not going to bother fixing my stupid keyboard's antics this post.

So enough sitting around on my ass. I have to get a camera with firewire and then output my very late video.

It's kind of a strange video because it was made for installations.

I also have to get my priorities fixed this summer while I work on my new video. I'm thinking of it as a road movie I guess. I really need to be giving it more thought and attention.

I've been considering quitting pot. Altogether or cutting back. I'm not sure which yet, but I'm thinking it's been a waste of time lately. I need to get more creative, and it's not helping my creativity anymore. Probably never did really.

I'm also trying to shoot my new video You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I'm going to make it really short. Probably about two minutes. I want it to be really sexy and funny. Carrie Gates has already agreed to be the vampire, so it should be fun. I just need a victim-girlfriend now. And I already have someone in mind. Yay for victim girlfriends! LOL! I shouldn't say such things as a feminist. More LOL.

Where am I? Oh yeah, so I'm planning two road trips in North America and Scotland. And doing a shoot sometime soon. Maybe this week. It depends if I can recharge my phone enough to get a hold of Carrie for scheduling. I've realized I really need to refocus on my career. I was getting somewhere for a while there. I need to get it back on track man. I miss hitting the festival circut. That was always fun.

Anyway, I'm 30 now and that means I'm ready for big changes. I want to keep control over my bipolar disorder. The meds I am on are really great right now. I'm pretty happy. Not manic happy, but content with life. I'm discontent actually, which is why I need the big changes. I dunno. I'm quitting smoking, which is going okay, despite slips. I'm on the patch and sticking with it.

I need to clean more, is one issue I could deal with I guess.

I really need to consider this road movie aspect of my project. I need to get a better handle on it. I'm thinking of using a heartbeat for my vampire project, just this quiet heartbeat on the whole soundtrack. I'm currently making my summer music playlist for my ipod.

Kitties

My cat just pooped in a box, and it smells! Schrodinger, you're such a bad kitty!

Finished Tattoo!

My tattoo got finished a couple of days ago. Wow, right now my animals are all supremely calm. I don't want to disturb it. They are sacked out. I wonder what they do when I am not here. Anyway, getting it finished, the tattoo I mean, wasn't too bad. I don't particularly enjoy getting tattooed, but the end results always seem to be worth it. I like having a nice piece of art adorn my body. Anyway, here is the end result.

Self Promoting Brownie Points

Hey hey hey! I'm in the Spring issue of SPIRIT right now with my short story Horsie. Be sure to check it out on the newsstands, it is full of sexy NDNs getting it on. Also you can see my video Helpless Maiden Makes an "I" Statement at non-compliance.ca.

Be sure to check it out!

I'm getting high on two very intense pot brownies that my cuz No Ass D and I made together. We're watching V for Vendetta and acting silly, but her favorite scene is on so I thought I would blog.

I got fifty bucks and a lucky bamboo and a swimming suit for my 30th birthday. The Bamboo is really cute, and I have underwear made out of bamboo, so it matches.

Why am I blogging in this condition? Good question mon ami.

Well, sometimes it amuses me. And really the number one reason I blog is because it amuses me. I've done it for so long now, well over ten years. And I wish I still had some of my early stuff. Oh well.

They are intently watching V pour Vendetta again. Blood everywhere, groddy!

Bollocks.

I like saying that, I ought to say that more often.
anyway, back to entertaining the guests. Tomorrow morning we are having toad in the hole for brekky.

Creative work in the community

Yours truly may be hosting a show on CFCR starting sometime in the not too distant future. Rainbow Radio is looking for hosts, and I'm itching to do something in the community. It's a GLBT show every Sunday night. I used to volunteer at a show called Women Visions in Vancouver at their co-op radio station. I've been wanting to do something at CFCR for a while now, and so this is right up my alley. And I really like working the switches and stuff at radio stations. That's super fun. I love techy stuff of all nature, because I'm a geek.

I'm also thinking of doing volunteer work for Pride, and maybe finding a group of like minded people to run play parties, AND I still want to start up a film festival. And there was something else I was thinking of doing. I'm a busy tomboy. I still want to volunteer at Hantleman. Someone told me not to, but I liked spending time with the volunteer I saw. And I know crazy people inside and out. I've been around enough of them, that's for sure, in all states of craziness.

I'm feeling pretty good these days, surprisingly. I guess my life is going better than I'd hoped. I still want to make my feature though. I did network with a producer on Facebook, I'm thinking of asking her advice on where I go next with my screenplay, as in who's looking to produce a feature.

Networking's the most important part of being a filmmaker, but sometimes I'm just so damned shy about it. I don't put myself out there as much as some filmmakers. I don't self promote as much as I should. It's a problem. Which is why maybe getting out in the community will be good for me.

Oh, I'm also going to try to start writing for the local alternative biweekly Planet S. I've been wanting to write for them for a while now, and I think it would be a lot of fun. So eee!

Hey, apparently my work is now showing at the National Gallery in Ottawa. Pretty cool hey?

Animals.

That video of the soldier throwing a puppy off a cliff was so horrible, I kept thinking about that poor dog for ages. I hate seeing shit like that because it makes me feel so angry about people who abuse animals. Animals can't defend themselves, especially not a puppy.

MY puppy is doing very well. I was out yesterday for most of the day and he did okay. Of course when I got home he was excited and jumping on me licking me. Silly boy.

I love my dog, I'm so glad I finally get to live with him again.

Last night my kitty was BAD! So bad, first he was getting his claws in the screen window by my bed and trying to pull it out. Then he got his toy mouse and started PLAYING ON ME! It was four in the morning and I finally had to escort him to the bedroom door and kicked him out. Then he banged on the door for a while to get back in.

Bad kitty! Anyway, I slept until a little while ago to try and catch up on my sleep.

So far this coop living is nice. I live kinda far from everything though, So I renewed my learner's license and I'm going to try and learn to drive this summer. I hope I hope.

God Bless America? I don't think so.

Ugh! I hate watching images of what the soldiers are doing in Iraq. Here's another series of horrid clips, including the infamous water bottle chase, and a soldier THROWING a puppy! Not to mention making muslim kids chant We Love Pork. Sick, and the commander of this horrid war is about as sick as the soldiers themselves. Gross. What kind of America are they going to get after this war is over, all kinds of seriously sociopathic soldiers coming back? Are there EVER going to be war crimes trials?

In other news, last night my dog at three in the morning decided to get his squeaky teddy bear out and went squeak squeak squeak all the way from the living room back to my bedroom. It woke me up, that's for sure. Then he went back to bed. Weird dog!

Oscar Steals a Garden Gnome

Some funny for you.

Hurts so good I gotta Soregasm

Cause the tent's so big in your pants baby . . .

I love Peaches. She rocks out! Tonight is my meditation circle with Barb Powell. I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm going to learn about using tools to meditate with. It should be enlightening.

I like doing things to contribute to my personal growth. And I think meditation is very good for bipolar people. I know, none of this has any relation to the Peaches video. You're disappointed, I can tell.

Once I did this amazing candle meditation where my empathy expanded to include creatures all around the world. And I could feel myself as a whale swimming in the ocean, and then an ant walking along the edge of a leaf. When I went really manic there was one point when my empathy expanded again to include all kinds of animals, and I had a really hard time eating meat.

Actually I'm having a hard time eating meat sometimes. It's been difficult. I don't know what that's about. I like meat, I just don't know, if I had to kill it myself I might not be able to.

I read recently about a man in Austria who kept his daughter locked in the basement for over 20 years and fathered seven of her children. Pretty horrid! How can something like that happen? Some people. I wonder what his sentence will be. And three of them never saw the light of day. Ugh!

My dog had a bad night, poor baby. I came home later than I'd hoped, and he was all excited to see me, jumping up and whinging away, and then about half an hour later he started throwing up, and didn't stop for an hour. and he started crying too, poor little guy. Anyway, he's MUCH better this morning and we went for our little walk and stuff. But now there's still puddles of dog puke I have to clean up. He puked so much eventually he was just puking foam. Poor dude. Thats a gross story for you.

I like living in this coop, and I'm starting to get used to taking the long bus. It's actually only about half an hour to get downtown, which isn't bad.

My cuz who had the manic episode is Captain Sleepypants. She crashed at my party around nine thirty and slept until noon the next day. When I went to visit her she was also very sleepy. I guess it's a combination of recovering from mania and getting used to the medication. Which reminds me, I have to pick up my meds today.

Alice B Toklas Brownies

Today is my thirtieth birthday. The main things I have to do are clean up a bit, make pot brownies, and await my guests. It's a classy meal of pizza after hot dogs and hamburgers were stricken from the menu when we couldn't move the barbecue over to my place. So pizza it is.

I don't know who will show up. It might just be a small crowd, but that would be nice too. I think the pot brownies in lieu of a birthday cake is a pretty good idea, but we'll see. Also I've been sick and it's no good me trying to smoke it, because all it does is make me cough and cough. BLEH!

My mother is also sick. I'm over at her house right now waiting for her to finish her nap. She's supposed to take me out for a few things. And I want to get home and get started on those brownies. Making them I mean. I doubt it will take very long. The most involved part is extracting the THC, but I think it should go tickety boo. I've never made pot brownies before, so this is all new for me. I don't think I've even ever had a pot brownie. I've had pot cookies, and other kinds of pot things. I had a drink once that made me hallucinate, I don't know what was in it. But it sure was good.

So I didn't have crepes for breakfast, which kinda sucked, but oh well. No mimosas either. I guess I should get makings for mimosas. It's hard planning your own thirtieth birthday party.

I feel, well, I'm finally thirty. I didn't really think I would make it this far. I outlived Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain! And yet I haven't nearly achieved as much fame. Oh well, something to look forward to in my thirties. I was so sure I'd be dead by now. And I'm not! And to celebrate, we're having Alice B Toklas Brownies! From Duncan Hines.

I'm trying an oil based recipe, it's supposed to be easier than extracting from butter. BUTTERS! That's my favorite character on South Park. My socks are even matching today, that's how mature I am at 30.

Although 30 is supposedly the new 20. Which means, I'm 20 today! What! NO! I will not go through my 20's ever again! Once was enough!

Bed

I've been sick the past few days with a cold. It's not NASTY or anything, but it's no picnic either. I have been coughing and sniffling for ages it seems. It's slowly going away, but I've still got this heavy feeling. And with my birthday only days away! 2 days till my party! I feel like a slug. I should clean up but
+maybelater
My dog is resting his snout on the keyboard.

I hate being sick. Poo!++++++ ++Uh +oh++++
+
++++
Wel++l++ +h+++th+++i+th++is arangement is n+t working,+ dog!

Okay, I think he stopped.

I'm going to bed, what am I doing tryingto write a blog in this condition!

Blah to the weather and blah to the cold!

The weather here has decided it is still winter, it's weird. It's snowing outside as I type this. Just when I got a nice apartment with a huge balcony! I had to bring two plants inside.

Mum and I have been toodling around getting nesting materials for my new home. I GOT A SET OF HULA GIRL PATIO LANTERNS> fuck1 I have a problem with my computer, in that sometimes it decides certain things need all caps.Anyway, I hate this snow and stuff. It's driving me crazy.

Sleeping here is good, it's a quiet building. I really like that about it. I've moved my birthday party to here. It's coming up on Saturday! Saturday I'm going to be 30!

So I've been trying not to let the snow get to me, but now I also have a cold to go along with it. I could feel it building up all day, and now it's hit. Bleh! I hate being sick. If only I had some cold killing meds. Pooh!

I had one year when I used to get sick all the time, every cold that came by I would get. My immune system must have been shot!

Moved

Well, I've been happily moved into my new apartment. I've been busy getting all hooked up, and spending a lot of time here. This is a place I will stay in for years and years. I hope. I think I'm done tromping around the country. And it's a really nice apartment, there's so much room! I'm still amazed at that. It really is a home. It's way nicer than my old place. I've been running around unpacking and generally getting the place in order. Cleaning. Finally my dog has calmed down enough and is just napping on the chair. The animals have had a rough time settling in. Sometimes Schrodinger wanders around crying. Poor kitty cat!

I am really liking living here. So far I've had three visitors come see me. It's a nice space for hanging out and feeling groovy. And creative. There's nice energy in here. I got plants the other day, some ivy, some gerbera daisies, some thing called a Ponytail. It's funky looking.

It's kind of weird finally being here because I'm probably going to stay here for a very long time. I can't envision losing this place, it's so cheap for what I get. 530 a month for a decently sized apartment!

I'd never get this kind of place if I lived in Vancouver. I'd never be able to afford this place either if it wasn't a co-op.

Co-op living!

In 45 minutes my mom is picking me up to have dinner with the grandparents. I think I'll bring Mister. He's looking depressed, sitting on the chair.
There, I just took him for a walk. He's perked up. Poor little dude.

Moving still . . . .

So the mover fucked up his back and they couldn't move me today. Tomorrow at 10 they'll finally load up all my stuff and take it to the new place. Of course the bed is taken apart and so I have to sleep at Mum's.

I went and saw the new apartment, it's very cute and exciting! There's a small kitchen and a dining room and a big living room and a largish bedroom. And a storage room, which is really a ROOM. I think the animals will be very happy there. In the storage room. No, they get the run of the whole apartment. Schrodinger will be an apartment cat again, he'll be so grumpy. And it's not too far to get Mister out and onto some grass to have a poop.

We're going out to get him some new squeaky toys and stuff to say Hello to the new apartment with.

I met my neighbor already, which was nice. They only do things like that on Wisteria Lane!

Yesterday I got myself a housewarming present of an elephant teapot with an elephant sugar bowl. Today mum picked me up a kit-cat clock. It's really cute! It's eyes go back and forth along with it's tail. And they're pricey! I think. Oh anyway, it's really funny.

It goes nicely with my lime green dachshund lamp.

I'm so excited about my new house, it's hard to sleep thinking about tomorrow and how I will finally be in my new place. With my animals! I went crazy at Petsmart buying them toys. I got Mister a new seatbelt, since he outgrew his old one and I think he's coming traveling with us this summer, so he'll need one. Without a seatbelt he just gets wiggly all over the car and it's not good. I also got them a new water bowl. Schrodinger got some new toys too, and some catnip.

Soon I will be living with a dog and cat to look after all by myself! It's kind of a lot of responsibility. I hope I'm a good mother. And Mister will need to go outside a lot. I'm glad they have each other, they won't get lonely. No only child problem here! Anyway, I have to get up early to get a mcmuffin and move my stuff, finally finally! So goodbye!

MOOOOOVING!

Today I've done so much already and I have MORE TO DO! I'm packing up all my belongings to move into the new place, and it's a pain in the arse. at least now I have all of my camera together. My mother was helping me a lot, which was really nice of her because she has far better organizational skills than I. Maybe I am saying goodbye to my computer before it's gone for good. Oh so sad! Little computer! Not gone for good, gone for 18 hours. So long! No internet for me.

The good news is I am getting cable! No more facebook stalking for me! Now I can watch Britney Spears news! I wonder what meds she's on. I like the ones I'm on actually. Anyway, yes, cable television. I'm thirty and I'm finally getting cable. Now I can watch whatever is on television these days.

Desperate Housewives!

I can rekindle my crush on Marcia Cross and watch agog every week. She is pretty hot, and I think I still have pictures of her in her underwear somewhere around here.

Well, it's officially time to take apart my computer desk and eee, so wobbly it is! I bought myself a housewarming present, it's a white elephant teapot, with an elephant sugar bowl. I hope it works well, teapots can be tempemental.

Anyway, that's the end, until my move is finished.

Happiness

Do you remember the Nothing in the Neverending Story? That was so scary. I feel like that sometimes when I'm depressed, like there's a great big NOTHING gobbling up all the joy.

I'm relatively happy today. I had a good time with my mom at her house after she helped me clean and pack. Then it was nice and warm and sunny and I spent time with the dogs on my mum's porch. And I read about the pregnant man, which was interesting, I know someone with the same situation though. And I've heard of other transmen being pregnant, I wonder why this one hit the mainstream media.

It was a beautiful day. I think when all my moving is done I should help mom clean her porch so we can eat out there. I have four weed seeds sitting on my desk. I wonder if mom saw them.

Last summer, a marijuana plant grew uninvited in her back garden. One day she said to me "What, is THIS!?" and waved around a small smelly green weed. Well, it really was weed. And how it got there nobody knows. Although it probably fell out when someone was rolling a joint.

Pot has been around forever. So have tattoos.

Logical? Nope, guess not.

So I took the bus all the way to my mom's house only to find she locked me out! So no making phone calls. I should have just brought those numbers home with me, to be perfectly sensible. But I'm NOT sensible!

So then I took the bus home. And now I've smoked a joint and am thinking about cleaning. Thinking, mind you. The cleaning part probably wouldn't be so much work if I would just get to it instead of wasting time thinking about doing it and what needs to be done. Blah to cleaning!

So I won't think about it, I will write here instead.

I'm listening to Bjork's Hyperballad. It's so sweet. Reminds me of being a teenager.

A confused horny teenager.

I kind of miss how horny I used to be. But maybe that was really my manic side. Oh man! I can recall mildly manic episodes in high school, but I guess I just thought it was hormones. Either way, being manic can bring on the hornies. Look at Britney Spears, when she couldn't find Adnan, she took home some other paparazzi! She's in bed with the paparazzi, that's like, the lowest you can go! All because of manic hornies.

I feel ridiculously LEVEL. Just totally even. I haven't felt like this in maybe ever. I guess the medication really does work.

I had this friend in high school who used to constantly tell me "It's not LOGICAL!" I just spent ten minutes reading the definition of an non sequitur and my head is spinning. Logic is funny. It's like, just be sensible man! But I am NOT sensible.

Are UFO's logical? I kind of think so. Space is so big and people somewhere probably came up with a way of traversing the universe. We've only had a space program for a relatively few years in the grand scheme of things. Plus I've seen them, with my naked eyeballs! Not more than a mile away!

I can't remember what we argued about when she told me to be more logical. That was so long ago, I only remember the admonition.

I wish mania was more logical. I mean, it's all based in signs and symbols and synchronicities. it doesn't make any sense at all, and it just jumps around from thing to thing.

Blah to Mania!

It seems I am selling work to the National Gallery in Ottawa. Pretty cool! I hope if they screen a bunch of it I get to go out there, I could hang with my friend Ariel. I don't really know anyone else who lives in Ottawa. I know people who go there a lot.

Today I accidentally stood up a friend by forgetting to meet her. I was so confused. I ought to start writing these things down. Is it the medication or the bipolar? Who knows?

I drank three beers tonight. That's like, my limit. and I've been invited out again. i should stay in. I don't know. I ran into a cute person again today, which was kind of nice because we actually met this time. If I go out again, she still might be traversing that way. But I feel sleepy, and it's nearly 11 o'clock.

Had a nerdy conversation about the differences in using HD in regards to the file size on computers.

Trains

Being a prairie girl, I found the idea of trains terribly romantic. I used to watch them with my cousins on the sound barrier behind our grandparent's place. Once my cousin Luke jumped on one and held on for a few feet. Only now do I realize he could have had a terrible accident, but I remember it so clearly. It was a crazy boy thing to do.

They make a great noise. I used to like listening to them in the distance in the house I was a small child in. It was so haunting, a sound that seemed to belong only to the night.

I was 21 when I first rode a train, in Germany going overnight to Paris. The reality of riding a train kicked in, the damn thing kept stopping the whole time, jarring me out of my sleep. Plus it was freezing in the car, we didn't find the heater until the next morning. Ugh!

I don't know why I wanted to talk about trains. They just fascinate me. Once an ex was going to go train hopping for a vacation, I was so shocked. She shocked me a lot.

The city that rhymes with fun

I have spare Risperdal coming out of my ears. I don't know what to do about it. There were two weeks when I could find any and thus didn't take any (bad me), but I did find them eventually. But anyway, now I have boxes of the stuff I don't need. I don't know what to do with it. I should probably take it back to the pharmacy, but how embarrassing.

My tattoo is healing nicely. I'm down in Regina today visiting my cousin Deanna. She's got a really nice apartment.

I don't feel like such a victim of the psychiatric establishment anymore. My last psych trip was quite nice really, except I hated sharing a room, oh man. You can't masturbate! Some people can masturbate in the shower, but I need more time than that. It's such a chore sometimes really.

Today I am off to see the Warhol exhibit at the art gallery. Then maybe to WOT to get a weird t-shirt or something.

Except there is no phone here. Oh man! That sucks! I'll have to walk somewhere and call a cab. Poop.

Well, I had better be off!

Scales of Blood: My Dragon Tattoo

My arm is currently really really sore, but I just smoked a joint so maybe that will take the soreness away. I went in and got most of the work done on my dragon tattoo. Now we're just working on the colouring, which looks really cool. But holy hell, the line work on it was so onerous. Just scale after scale oozing blood. I managed 3 and a half hours before I gave up. I was like, wincing the last five minutes or so. It's so fucking intense. Being tattooed. Then we had to do touch ups on two other tattoos. Oh man, it hurt! I felt like a baby.

Oh man, but when I came home I laughed so hard because the front guy for Nickelback sucked himself off in exchange for a case of beer when he was 14. What a gooney reason! I hope it tasted decent. The beer I mean.

Last night I ordered a pizza and 2 litres of Pepsi and they sent it in this big fountain drink containers. How useless is that?

What do you call an Indian without lips? Pointless.

OMG, someone on Skype, back when I was having those troubles, asked me if I was a "red Indian." I'm actually more like a taupe colour, or light pink. Not red or brown even.

It's a really nice piece of art. It's got stripes like a snake, a corn snake. The dragon I mean. Not Skype, or even the frontmans penis.

I will take a photo of it when the bandage comes off tomorrow.

I used to really admire people with tats because it was such a commitment. This is the most visible tattoo I have, well, the one on my neck is pretty visible too. When I was growing up I never imagined I'd get as into body mods as I am. I think body mods are sexy, unbelievably so, because it's all about owning your own body.

I'm finally getting used to my newest piercing, my labret. I've played with the damn thing all the time, and it's still healing normally.

Random Hawksley Workman Song

Striptease for me baby . . .

The Boy Side rambles.

I guess even though I've decided not to transition, I acknowledge I have a boy side to myself. It's kind of obvious, but I never really consider it much of a bother. It used to really bother me in high school, growing up butch in high school is hell. Bleh! But then again, isn't everyone kind of awkward in their bodies at that age? I was so confused, I wanted to fuck super femmey girls, but I didn't particularly want to look like them. No one really explained butch femme to me at that age, it would have helped to know more about the erotic dynamic I eventually ended up with.

I'm in the process of cleaning my apartment. I decided first I would do the dishes. This was a larger task than I had originally anticipated. Currently some particularly foosty dishes are soaking in the sink, although I did get quite a few clean before having to give up.

I'm also trying to bleach some KoolAid stains from the counter.

I've let my apartment get WAY past it's happy point. It's a great mess.
Now it's much later and I am listening to my coveted HK119 cd. I've already downloaded it to my iPod. AND I got a new Morcheeba album. I'm trying to make a point of buying music, for the sake of musicians everywhere. I download top 40 songs though. Is that a sin? Probably. I should be whipped.

none of my friends are around right now for me to bother. I'm still waiting to hear my friend Robin tell me of her adventures in Vancouver. She's been posting great pictures in her facebook of her trip, including a hilarious photo of an egg/sausage/hashbrowns breakfast sitting next to a full on plate of sushi!

Oh yes, that reminds me, the Saga of the Keyboard. Well it went to pay for my tattoo and some beginner now has it, and is playing his heart out I hope. I sold it for 220. Not bad, but still a financial loss for me. I bought it for like, $280. And it's been barely played with. Anyway, the silly thing is gone. I hate manic spending sprees. At least a tattoo is going to be forever. I'm excited about my new tattoo. It's a dragon the colour of a corn snake. I got it to remember a bunch of people who have passed on, so basically it's a memorial to all my dead friends and relations. Sort of weird I guess, but it makes sense to me the way my brain connects them all. Plus I wanted something colourful and big to go with my flames. So a dragon fits.

Oh man, I haven't checked my dishes. I just got stood up to go out to Lydias! can you believe the nerve! LOL, I wasn't feeling up to going out, I am going under the gun tomorrow. Getting a tattoo is like a ritual almost. I like how it works. It will be an interesting afternoon. And then no hottubbing for me for a while. Boo hoo! No HOT TUBS! Sad me.

oh man, my computer is doing things of a stupid nature. I just made my first iPod playlist so I can listen to all 62 songs I'm listening to most frequently these days.

My computer lost about half it's library back when I departitioned my hard drive. Oh man, don't ever partition a Mac hard drive, it's just a stupid pain in the neck. And then I have this other hard drive that has 200GB on it, so I'm hoping that's enough to make this whole video on.

Oh oh oh! I can put my film back on my camera! I'm going to go test my camera's interface with my computer, I will report back later.

Ramblings of a politically aware sodomite

I think at about now I've given up on seeing America get with the 21st Century. I mean, here it is years after my first episode, I've moved cities four times since then, and America is still at war with Iraq. And it's not even with the army anymore, now it's just this generalized chaos! How can you possibly put that into any sort of order while you're doing terrible things with guns?

War torn regions have always bothered me. It's not good for the health of humanity, to keep fighting itself. I wonder if we had a totally external enemy, like aliens, if we'd be more cohesive. Sometimes I think humans always need an enemy.

In scriptwriting it's much the same, there's nearly always an antagonist. I know a few films without one, but it's hard to remember them. In Children Of Men nearly everyone else was an antagonist. Ugh! That would be a shitty world to live in.

You have to admit though, there hasn't been another terrorist attack in the States. Remember when they were all running around screaming "Code Orange!" Oh noes! That silly terrorist alert code. And nothing would happen, but something COULD!

I used to be really fascinated by the CIA and MOSSAD and all those spy agencies. Once I bought a book about the CIA by Phillip Agee, but I got bored halfway through.

My apartment is a mess! And I really really do have to clean.

But I digress. And America's got a committment to be in Iraq for years! They have no exit strategy.

OMG. I saw a show once of this guy asking Americans basic questions, and when asked who won the Viet Nam War this woman said "Us." I was so shocked.

I am waiting on a friend to show up. Last night I went to this party at my friend Laurel's place. We played Taboo and this woman said "Thing that Thirza and Laurel saw at Cranberry Flats!" And of course I immediately said "UFO!"

I'll maintain to my dying day that I saw two UFO's out there that night.

I'm listening to American Doll Posse. I really like Roosterspur Bridge. And on the album cover she's holding a chicken.

Anyway, I don't ever see an end to this silly war. It's served no purpose except to totally fuck up a society. I wonder if strife would continue if the Americans left, or if another dictator would turn up, or what. I mean it's got a big question mark for the future. America has a big questionmark for the future. Like what abut gay marriage there? How come they are so far behind?

You know, I don't even know which countries besides Canada have legalized same sex marriage.

Oh, Belgium, the Netherlands, South Africa, and Spain. Spain! That's how you know where the sexy people are. I'm surprised it's not legal in France though. I'd have thought it was a more permissive society.

Not that I need anyone's permission to get married! Hmph!

I'd have thought it'd be legal in England too. Oh well. Canada is a nice place to live, although I think it's foolish in the extreme for us to be in Afghanistan.

Tonight I am sitting at home with no weed, which might be a good thing. Breaks are always healthy.

I was supposed to hang out with another friend, but I called him too late so he was already busy. I did spend some time with Laurel, at her place playing Taboo with her friends. That's a hard game!

DJ Deko-ze, Hawksley Workman, and some napping in between

Last night I saw DJ Deko-ze, who used to spin at PPM. It was fun. We chatted about this youth group we used to be in years and years ago. He's still the same happy guy.

Then my friend and I came back and hung out at my place. I actually like hanging out in my apartment more. Too bad I'm moving.

Hawksley Workman tonight was fun, but I had to wait ages before he played Jealous of Your Cigarette and Striptease. He opened with We Will Still Need a Song, which was pretty rad.

And basically in between the two events I slept. I have been sleeping more lately, I think it's still me getting over the E. Crazy man! No shit am I not doing that again for a long time.

I also hung out with my friend Danielle from high school. We went to this crazy battle of the bands where someone sang something Danielle swore was Obey The Mustard. I felt very old.

30 is such a weird feeling. And I'm not even 30 yet. Maybe it will feel totally different than I think it does. I still feel pretty immature in a certain way, I'm not sure if I am. I feel like I should have an RRSP or something. Or be married. And instead I'm running away from men on Skype and wondering why I can't talk to The Cute Blonde Girl I keep seeing around.

At least the psychic told me I would settle down with someone. But how long I have to wait, I don't know. I'd be miserable if she said there wasn't anyone. But who?

Tis a mystery, and I am sleepy, and that is my report on the last two days. No one was shot at Lydias or at the Broadway Theatre, so that's always good.

Boring Videographer with nothing to video

So I own an HDV video camera from Sony now. It's really sexy! It's small, smaller than I thought it would be. It has that wonderful feeling of POTENTIAL. It's got a Carl Zeiss lens and XLR inputs, and even nightshot, and the best part is when you go into the menu it's all a touch screen. And it makes beeps when you're selecting things. I don't know if the beeps is necessaily good. It's cute though.

Nghtshot! Now I can make Yvette Fielding-esque ghost hunt videos!

Anyway, now I can start filming my project. I don't know what to film. Or video, I mean, there is a difference. Video's different in a nice way. Film is so super involved. I mean, you have to process the film and do all this stuff to it. Sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.

Ha ha, Thirza on film "Sometimes it's just a pain in the ass."

My friend Robin and I were talking on Facebook when suddenly she sent me the most cryptic message that just said (Code 18). I mean, what the hell does that mean? Code 18. It's a great way to end a conversation though, to just write back (code 18) and nothing else.

Oh man, I had a wicked e hangover for a day, then it was life as usual. I remember why I only do it extremely occasionally, it really sucks a lot out of you. Bleh. Bleh to that.

So anyway, tonight I am going to Lydia's. I'm a bit nervous because the last time I went to Lydia's, there was a shooting outside. I wasn't there when it happened, but someone got shot in the arm. And he's not saying anything, so it's kind of scary. Someone else told me someone heard gunshots outside of Buds, like in the alley. Broadway's getting to be a scary neighborhood!

Actually bad things have always been happening around broadway. One guy was killed after being hit on the head with a baseball bat. And I'm sure something else bad happened around there.

Broadway used to be the neighborhood I hung out in when I was a kid. My best friend Laurel and I would meet at the halfway point between our houses, the OK Economy. Which is now Extra Foods. Like Pinders is now Shoppers. She used to invite me to go with her when she did the laundry. It sounds boring, and it kind of was, but she entertained me enough to last through her crazy huge laundry tasks. Then the Wash and Slosh opened and we were finally old enough to have beer while doing her crazy laundry tasks.

Is the Wash and Slosh even around anymore? Methinks not. It's a great concept though, getting drunk while doing laundry. It's multitasking really, isn't it?

Laurel is the one I saw the UFO's with.

Tonight DJ Deko-ze is playing at Lydia's. He used to spin at PPM, where I went when I was . . . younger. It should be good times! I hope. I'm kind of hoping to meet people there, but I don't want to arrive at an ungodly nerdly time either. It's tough work this trying to get out and meet people thing.

Tomorrow night I am off to see Hawksley Workman at the Broadway Theatre. My friend Danielle is going as well, it might be the first time I've seen her in months!

The quitting smoking is still a work in progress, by the way, as I have cheated.



Both of us left for the west coast as soon as school was finished basically. God, I would never live through that first year of living on my own again! That was so complicated.

I called my mum and asked her why she didn't go see the UFO's with Laurel and I (they were in the sky for a good three hours), she said it was because she didn't believe us!

Nicotine is a terrible addiction, so cruel! Oh lord.

See, it's a semi romantic idea of the smoking writer. Or director. But now it's just not in fashion anyway. Bleh!

I have my video camera and nothing to video. It's kind of anticlimactic.

Moving!

I had a brief weekend where I wasn't sure I'd get into co-op housing, but it's fine and I went down to pay my share capital of $800 this afternoon. I'm pretty happy about that. Finally I will get to live with my pets. It's really hard to find housing that allows pets, I've noticed.

It's a one bedroom too, which is good because right now I'm living in a bachelor, a pretty big bachelor, but a bachelor all the same. Now I get a living room!

Someone got shot in the arm at Lydia's on a night I was there. My friend and I had left by the time someone got shot, but still it was scary. We did meet someone who seemed really sketchy there, he was all drunk and trying to talk to us. I don't know why, personally I think he was a little homophobic.

I finally got my HK119 album! I'm really happy about it. And my new camera came into the Sony store today, so tomorrow I will go down to pick it up.

New camera!!!!

vibes

Today I got a new vibrator, and a smacky leather paddle, and some new lube called Slippery Kitty. I haven't bought sex toy stuff in ages, not since my last dildo anyway. I went to Positive Passions in Saskatoon.

They really need more dildos. The really interesting stuff is in a tiny room the size of my Moms closet. It's not like some other places. It's nice, just very very small.

But maybe I am spoiled by having shopped at places like Good Vibrations in San Francisco, Womyn's Ware in Vancouver, and Come As You Are in Toronto.

Everyone needs more dildos.

My favorite rat, Nikolas, ate my dildo once. He chewed the entire head off it. It was so sad, because when I found it I was really needing it and suddenly it was useless, dead, no more dildo for me. It was my first dildo too. And it was like, the perfect size, I've missed it ever since.

My favorite dildo company is Vixen Creations, a woman owned and operated place that turns out these really great super durable silicone dildos that have like, lifetime warranties on them. Now they have a new product I haven't tried out yet called Vixskin, which has lubricant mixed in with the silicone somehow so it's really elastic-y and rubbery and skin-like. So I'm curious. I don't know.

I am waiting for my new HK119 album to come. I had to order it from the UK. Finally, after years of complaining about how I wanted one, it's coming! HK119!

Here's a random HK119 Video.



So anyway, I got a rabbit pearl vibe. It's this crazy thing that has a rotating penis head, spinning pearls to stimulate your gspot, and a vibrating rabbit for your clit, with vibrating rubber ears. It's wild because it's just so involved. I mean, what a complex tool. who thought of all that? It really REALLY does work though.

Easter with Sky

I haven't written about my sister for a long time, so I may as well tell you about today and hanging out with Sky. First we picked her up at her group home, then we got chocolate bunnies and she got a free chocolate egg, which she ate immediately and then kept sticking her tongue out at us. All the way on the car ride home she was talking her Sky speech, mostly gibberish with the occasional Gammy (Grandma), Mommy, and you know, she didn't say my name at all today. She does call me by something that closely resembles Thirza.

Then we went home and she and I played with mom's new treadmill. She quickly discovered the emergency shut down mechanism. Finally she decided the best course of action would be to sit on the treadmill, so I turned it on and she was trying to get off but her butt just kept going, it was pretty funny, we laughed.

Then she wanted hugs, lots and lots of hugs, so I was hugging her and she kept taking off my hat. She likes tactile things, so a lot of cuddles and so on are what she likes. She also likes when we also make weird noises with her, which we do.

Finally it was supper, I got her to feed the dogs from her plate, she was pretty much finished and had a mess of leftovers on it, and she was pretty into feeding the dogs. She also cuddled Mister, and he was really good, he didn't cry or fight or anything, even though she was hanging onto his paws and everything.

She ate her entire chocolate bunny and then, because the rest of us just ate the ears off the bunnies, started trying to get another bunny. She started hugging me but sneaked her arm in behind my back and grabbed my bunny, but mom got it. Later we sat on the couch and snuggled some more while she played with my watch and made her occasional noises and grunts and so on. Then she decided it would be fun to make me slap myself.

Tonight for the first time I actually helped Sky in the bathroom. But it turned out to be a tease, she didn't need to pee and so I was saved from wiping her bum.

Anyway, now Mum's trying to get her to take her antibiotic. We put it in an orange pop ice cream float, but I don't know if she's taken it.

I love my sister, there's no one else like her in the world.

Oh, she sneaked up behind me calling Sircy, which is what she calls me. So I guess she did say my name today after all.

Blue?????

So as promised this is me with my new hair. Yes, it did not turn out blue but rather an aqua green. I also got a piercing, but you can't see it in this photo because it was before I got it done.

Faith

I'm going to church tomorrow, but I'm not particularly Christian. I thought I was Buddhist, but I really only like Buddhism in a philosophical sense. I'm actually really religionless. I used to have hopes when I was a teen that I would find a good religion. I tried Wicca, briefly, that was kind of interesting, but I don't think I understood the whole principles behind it. At this point in my life, I believe in a deity or multiple deities, but I don't follow any particular religion. I've looked up Judaism, I've looked into Islam, but neither of those interested me.

I kind of don't think there IS a religion I feel particularly embraced by. At this point I'm making it up as I go along. Gnostic Christianity fascinates me. But I can find beauty in nearly every religion. I find sex to be intensely spiritual, but that's hard to parlay into a religion.

I really do think sex is sacred. At this point in my life I've been with enough people to see that it is a sacred act, which is why one night stands are so terrible. I mean the sex is terrible! There's a certain spark that just isn't there in those occassions.

I've sworn off one night stands.

Anyway, there's my semi-Easter sermon on faith. Which is really, I have some, but nothing in particular, and I'm sure a lot of people are with me on that one. I think there should be an anarchist religion that just embraces a higher power, without having to do anything.

I've signed up for a series of meditation workshops with the amazing medium Barb Powell. It's 15 bucks a session, which is pretty decent, and we get tapes and homework. Meditation is good, whether you are spiritual or not, and I think especially for bipolar people. It's a great stabilizing force. I far prefer meditation over prayer, it opens the creative portals and helps one grasp esoteric concepts of spirituality. Anyway, I'm going on Monday, so I will report on how it goes.

Next is the E

E is probably my favorite drug, and I haven't used it in about, like, eight or nine years. I haven't done it that often, it takes too much out of me, but last night I did it and it was fun.

I didn't get SUPER ripped like I got in Vancouver, but it was still a nice chatty happy touchy feely high. Most pleasurable. I haven't slept at all, but I feel fine. I thought I would have crashed by now, but no, so I'm just going to try and stay up all day and go to bed tonight like normal. I hate getting my circadian rhythm out of wack.


I suppose you'll be wondering now, what about the bipolar!!!! Well, don't worry, I'm feeling fine and I'm sure one night of fun isn't going to send me into a manic episode. I do take my drugs faithfully. I mean, psych drugs. The only annoying side effect from the e is that I've been grinding my teeth, but aside from a sore jaw that's not going to adversely impact my health.

E is the only chemical drug I'll do, because I have prior experience with it and have seen lots of friends safely do it, plus it's not addictive for me. It may be for others. Meth is something I will never touch again, at least not on it's own, there's some people who say meth is in e. But straight on meth, NO WAY. I did it when I was too young and stupid to know better, and lucky for me, my best friend bailed out on ever doing meth again and then because she wasn't doing it, I never did it again. I can see why it has such appeal though. It's like a mini manic episode.

Deanna has the dreaded post psychosis blahs. I just reread all my blog and am amazed at how far I have come. Some of the earlier posts were still crazy, but believe it or not that was after I was judged sane enough to leave. Not sane, but sane enough, go fix this at home now.

Anyway, it's been a long recovery process, but it was safe for me, and good, and I'm glad I took all that time to heal.

Anyway, this January marked the third year I've been living back in Saskatoon. It was kind of a culture shock moving back here, to be honest, and then it was hard making friends. I'm amazed at how hard it is to make friends in this town.

But I've been thinking about all the things that have happened since I moved back here, and you know what, it's all good. I'm now closer with my cousins, in particular that sweet D. Mae. I got to kiss my true love a bunch of times. I've had employment, not the job I moved here for, but enough to get by. Now I have a grant. I have a dog and cat. And I think in many ways moving back here has really let me grow up. I'm way more independent than I ever was, I have a good set of ethics and try to make things right, I've finally got a real psychiatrist listening to my complaints and tweaking the cocktail that keeps me level and happy, I've got a good mental health nurse. And maybe most important is that my whole family lives in Saskatoon, and it's been really good to come back as an adult and have them in my life this way. I mean, I was never able to see my sister Sky while I lived in Vancouver, and now I see her once a week. And she can't talk on the phone because she's mentally handicapped. So I'm happy to be closer to my sister maybe the most.

And something which I also really like about Saskatoon is this sense of community I have here, all my friends know each other in some way or another, and the queers really are integrated into regular life, at least from what I've noticed. It's a close knit community, whereas Vancouver often made me feel small, and if someone left my life I wouldn't ever just run into them on the street or anything. People disappeared. Here I'm feeling loved and supported, and that is good.

So wanting to leave Saskatoon has gone away. I love Saskatoon, it's my original hometown and there's just something sweet about the place. Plus the river is gorgeous. It's nice to live someplace I know inside and out like the back of my hand.

I think the reason I wanted to leave Saskatoon was because I was having a hard time meeting people and making friends. I don't want a huge lot of friends, I think you really only need a handfull of close close friends. And my best friend from Victoria just moved back this last week, so that's one more friend for me. Anyway, I do have friends now, some just the ones I see around, some I've spent considerable time with. My best friend these days I would have to say is Deanna Mae. Robin's my best friend but she lives far away, ditto Margaret, ditto Stef, so I think Deanna gets to hold the best friend title because she lives closer and talks to me most. And I've really liked coming back here and getting to know her, and I'm glad I'll be able to hold her hand when she's dealing with bipolar issues.

I didn't realize this e trip would leave me so verbose.

I'm happy that finally at the age of thirty I am living exactly where I want to live doing exactly what I want to do. Maybe my thirties will bring some stability into my life. Or maybe I will bring stability into my thirties.

I'm not thirty yet, I'm jumping the gun. My birthday's April 26th. We're having a small party with my friends with hottubbing and barbecue. Maybe we'll go to Diva's after.

I'm finding as I get older and older I value good conversation more and more. It's really hard to find you know! Maybe THAT'S really why I miss my ex, she gave GOOD conversation.