Australia

I am supposed to go to Australia next year. I am super excited about this, having NEVER gone that far away and also because of the Aborigine culture in Australia. I am not excited about the racism there, but is it worse than in Canada? Canada is pretty racist. All you have to do is read the comments section of the Globe and Mail or CBC to see it in action.

Also all this furor over Attawapiskat. So many people are blaming the band and council, even though they had so little to work with. For those of you from outside of Canada, Attawapiskat is a reserve in Manitoba where the housing situation is so dismal that people are living in condemned housing and tents even in the winter. The government says they had 90 million to build homes, but after everything is taken into account they really only got five million in six years to build new homes, and most of that went to education (they didn't have a school for a while). Now they have been placed under 3rd party management, which basically means the governments that fucked them over have more power over how they spend their money. It's a slap in the face.

I am really working hard on quitting smoking. It's not going very well, but I am still going to try hard! My cousin gave me three beers and it weakened my resolve. But I am still determined tomorrow morning I am not going to have that first smoke!

What else should I talk about? Well, Mister the therapy dog (because he's not really a service dog) has been getting along well. I was worried getting a dachshund that his back would have problems, but there was only one week where he yelped a few times when he would play with the other dogs too hard, and so he is actually doing pretty good. His injury or whatever it was healed and now he is back to his rough and tumble self. He wrestles with Hermione, the other dachshund, and never complains. So I guess he is well. I love him so much.

Having a dog has improved my life so much. He is six now, so I have had him a little over five years. We got him in may 2006. And he was a year old then. He was going to be a breeding dog but the breeder decided she didn't want to get into breeding long haired dachshunds, so she sold him to me at a year old for less money because he was going to get the snip and be a pet. And he has been a lovely pet. The only complaints I have about him is that he pees and poos everywhere and barks too much. Some people would find this too much to deal with, but I accept him as a barky and pee-ey/poo-ey guy. I do want to train it out of him of course, but it's taken a while. He only goes in certain spots anyway.

BUT in terms of love and companionship, he has proven himself to be necessary for my mental well being. Because the basement feels haunted and Mister is a dog with the capability to push away bad spirits, I always take him to bed with me for snuggles and general ghost busting. Just having a little soul on the bed seems to ward away the bad juju. And also when I feel lonely I like picking him up and kissing him.

Also because sometimes my illness makes me think of bad things, like animal torture (be it through fur farms or some other terrible thing like factory farming) I like having a small animal I can curl up with in my arms and just love unconditionally. When bad thoughts get in my head of animal suffering, I like to snuggle my little dog and think how I will keep him safe through his whole life from bad things. I want him to die a very old dog with a very sweet life.

Little Mister is in bed with my Mom right now. I've started letting him go to bed with her and then picking him up just before I go to sleep. It makes him happy, he gets tired way before me anyway.

After saying all this stuff about animal welfare, you might be surprised to find out I want to taste Kangaroo while I am in Australia. I hear it's like venison. I am hoping I have a chance to taste it if I hang out with the right people. The indigenous people. We'll see.

Oh, and my cousin is back from his journey to the offsale! I should go find out what happened!

Things I know are not true

This whole blog isn't actually going to be about lies I tell myself. Because I realize I have to give an update on What Happened to Deanna.

Deanna had an interesting conversation with a police officer and then an interesting conversation with some people in an ambulance and is right now in the hospital, and has been there for a little over a week. We found out through the Vancouver Police. So she's in a safe place, and I'm mostly concerned with her health and what she will do after she is released. I hope she's done camping with Occupy just because I think it's better for bipolar folks who need proper sleep to spend her nights with a roof over her head and a decent bed with enough blankets. My first manic episode was escalated in part to the fact I was sleeping on a thin skinny child's bed for weeks and weeks. Also all that effexor pushed me over.

That's the thing, people want to blame the pot for me being crazy but my use has been pretty consistent for years and the main things that caused my manic episodes was all that effexor and the second time it was me going off my meds. Oh yeah and both times I went crazy I was also falling in love and THAT fucks me over sometimes. Love is really stressful. I think I could fall in love now and not get all fucked up though, because I'm on meds that work.

My antipsychotics are SO POWERFUL that they render the effects of mushrooms to absolutely nil! There's absolutely no point in me doing psychedelics anymore. So I don't.

I guess it's a good sign. Especially since if I run out of meds or forget too many days in a row I start hearing music in the white noise. Ooooh I hate that feeling!!! I KNOW deep in my heart of hearts that I am hearing it because I am CRAZY and sometimes I strain really hard to hear English words in it, but I never do. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that reassures me is knowing I at least have the insight still to resume taking my medication as soon as I am due for the next dose. Whew!

Life's crazy when you're a crazy person. Weird shit happens.

Oh yeah, but lies I tell myself.

There are some lies I tell myself, to try and make myself be better. One of them is that if I quit smoking, my ex will take me back and we will have a real relationship finally with long range plans and a King sized bed and a blended family of cats and dog. With such a great fantasy reward, you would think I would have quit smoking by now. But it's not true, which I know, so it hasn't really made me as committed to quitting. I should really be focused on my main concern about smoking, which is that I don't want to get cancer and die a painful death relatively young. I would like to make it at least to 70! 80 even! After that I don't care. Geriatric chronic conditions suck. Alzheimer's, Osteoporosis, ugh! But I can at least do all I can now to be healthy. I already do so much just to have proper brain health. But then I smoke and could blow out an artery in my brain with a stroke and be dead or crippled. Aaaaaaaaah! I WANT TO QUIT! It's not worth the little buzz you get. Cigarettes deaden taste and smell and make me less kissable. Wah!

What other lies do I tell myself?

I tell myself that I just have to make amazing art and everyone will want to give me money and help me live as a full time artist. But that's not true either. I don't know many people who can live as full time artists.

Today my mom asked me, "What would be better for you? To have a job or to have your own business?" And I said "I think to have my own business because then I can take time off to go do residencies and stuff." And I think it's true. I really have to do some cpr on my fledgling business. I need some clients. That's really the only thing in my way. I should get some cards made.

I might be digitizing some material for someone soon. That would be good, I could get a bit of money into my business bank account.

I tell myself all kinds of lies about how I could be a better person to be an appropriate partner for my ex, but it's all so ridiculous. Quitting smoking is the least of them. I also think about doing grand projects like making a feature film with some underpaid actors and my video camera and entering it into Cannes and winning the Palm D'Or. And I think to myself "That will show her I have ambition!" And in my head I am shaking my little fist heavenward.

My Mom recently told me Lady Gaga lives with her parents too, even though she has all this money. I think she is telling me that to make me feel less weird about living in her house. And now also living with my cousin Steven and his kid. It's a multigenerational household! :O

I feel dubious as to how many dates I can realistically score while I am living at home. I'm allowed to bring girls home, I have in the past, I don't feel weird about it. But the ladies feel weird about it. That's what I think, anyway.

I think I will fail at bettering myself if I am just chasing an elusive relationship that's never going to happen. I need to be more focused on making my life count whether or not someone else is in it.

Weirdo! I'm a weirdo! :O

So Deanna hasn't posted anything on facebook in a while. And I don't really know where she is. It's kind of a concern, although last night someone saw her at a rally. So she's sort of AWOL. I don't know what's up. Le sigh!

Last night I had this intensely emotional dream, in a good way. And I woke up and was all goofy and smiley for a while. And then I remembered none of it was real and was disappointed. But I got over it. I like being entertained while I am sleeping.

I went to Partner's In Employment because it's a condition of me being on Welfare, and they offered to let me do a Vocational Evaluation which takes about two weeks and will tell me what jobs I am suited for. It's in January - February. Until then I am just going to hang on and keep poking around for jobs of some sort. Or freelance creative various things. We'll see. I still have to make this super 8 film too!

I can't think properly at this hour or with this much alcohol in me.

It is weird being in love with someone who loves me back but doesn't want to be with me. I always thought love was enough, but it's NOT! :O Once my mom told me about how she used to ask the universe to bring her a man to fall in love with but they would turn out to have some glaring issue like being married technically or being gay all the way or other things and eventually she gave up asking the universe to bring her a man to love because it was like the universe was finding every loophole to sabotage it. That's how I feel! Oh man. You have to be so specific when you ask the universe for something.

I'm a weirdo. That's probably the problem! Also I smoke, which is another problem. But really truly I am going to quit for good soon. I did a whole month recently, like in September or something.

I should go to bed. Maybe I will have another nice dream.

Pre-Occupied

One day I hadn't heard from my cousin Deanna for a couple days, maybe less even, and I commented on a mutual friend's post about not wanting to die on Hastings. And I just said something like "Me neither." And then Deanna posted on it "Yeah I am in Van and I totally avoid that area." And I was like WTF???? Because she hadn't said goodbye or anything. I thought it was a joke.

But no, she spent her last dollars on a bus ticket and is now living at Occupy Vancouver!!!! :O

That's really far away! She did say if she got the chance she was going to be in Vancouver, so I guess that is what she did. It seems crazy! Everyone is worried because Occupy Vancouver has a 2pm deadline tomorrow to get out "or else!" Well, I don't think they said "or else" but it was implied, and they're going to throw their stuff away. And do I don't know what with the people.

So here I am, powerless in Saskatoon while Deanna goes off to save the world. I could point her to some people in Vancouver who know how to live on next to nothing there and where the free food is, but she is all about the movement right now. I'm just worried it will totally disperse and she'll be homeless in Vancouver, which is way more of a fuck show than being homeless in Saskatoon, where she knows a lot of people. And call me crazy but all the chanting in all the occupy videos remind me of that film we watched on cults in high school where the fresh faced hero gets brainwashed to the shouts of "Juicyfruit, juicyfruit! Rah rah rah!" I have mixed feelings about Occupy.

So you can call me PreOccupied.

She will probably be fine, she hates when people worry. And who knows, maybe she will end up in a Vancouver jail cell with drag marks on her legs. Or maybe the people will prevail and it will all be a heartwarming scene with heroic Occupiers waving their fists in front of the VAG, free to live another night on the front lawn.

Occupy the VAG!!!

Hopefully she will be fine and have some crazy adventure story to tell her children, when she has some. And it's true I know people who have up and moved to Vancouver and made it work. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she will land on her feet. She's been fed for free this far! And she's been there a while now.

I guess the grim underbelly of Vancouver is what I worry about, it's so ridiculously expensive to live there and the occupations that will allow you to live reasonably decently there are sketchy. And plus all the free food places are in sketched out neighborhoods. I dunno. But what do I know, it's been five years since I've lived in Vancouver, six almost, and it has changed a lot in the meantime. Maybe there's a magical Quatchi's Inn where poor people can go to eat and sleep and smoke weed in their bedrooms for no money. Well whatever. And now I am going to be in trouble for writing a worrywart blog post.

I just don't want to have to fly out to Vancouver and put up posters of her. But I have felt that about all my native girl cousins who live in BC. It's just not a good place to be a Native woman, considering how many go missing there. But yes, I lived there, and only had one really dodgy night with some crazy old punk and his roommate he was kicking out who had pitbulls. Oh yeah, and that one old lady who called me a pedophile in the street because she mistook me for someone else. Okay, and that guy with the blood on him who said "Canada~!" at me and shook his bloody nose on my shirt. That was sketchy too.

But there are also lots of good people in Vancouver. It's just a big city with big city problems. But Deanna has never lived in a big city before. But neither did I before I was 18. And she's way older than I was when I moved there.

Ha ha, listen to me be an old fuddy duddy! We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow at 2pm.

8621 words and HOLDING! Damn . . .

Life got in the way of me continuing to write. First I had five days of drinking in a row, and I am not sure how I did that but I managed and felt pretty gross after. Such a binge! And I didn't even mean to binge, it's just people kept inviting me out or else I was home drinking with my cousin or else there was wine with dinner. Either way, it made me feel like a deficient writer because everyone was like "You can't write when you are drunk!" Although I kind of think I have in the past.

So whatever, I drank and didn't write and now I have taken a couple days off but got a six pack and now I am writing again. And tipsy. AND I DON'T CARE!

Ha ha, no, I probably do care I just don't want to talk about it.

You know something I realized about my marijuana use is that I do use it medically pretty much. I know all these people say marijuana is bad for crazy people, but there is also some pretty good research that indicates some active parts of marijuana help people with bipolar disorder. And although SOME people don't handle marijuana well mentally, SOME people also don't tolerate the same psychiatric medication I am on, for whatever reason. It's like all psych type meds, not effective for everyone but for some it's really good.

I dunno. I just know I am not grouchy when I have it and I feel a bit more even. And for someone with a mood disorder, "even" is a great state to be in. Not all teetertotery and shit.

I did hear about a doctor who will actually prescribe medical marijuana in this area, which surprised me because so few will. I'm still waiting to hear the results of the study Cannibinoids in Bipolar Affective Disorder so I can take it with me and say "See!" Or not take it.

WHat else? I am getting used to this multigenerational extended family household. Currently I live with my Mom, my Cousin Steven, and half time his son Kristjan. It's a pretty full house! It's been strange adjusting, but I have lived with Steven and Mom before, after Steven got assaulted in this fucked up house he was living in where there was a weed whacker murder in the garage!

Oh man, I totally walked away and got distracted.

8014 words!

It's an hour after the end of November 6th and I have surpassed my goal of getting 7000 words done, I am now sitting at a comfortable 8014 words. Still behind the daily goals, I didn't write at all for a few days because I didn't know what to write, and then I wrote over five thousand words yesterday. I stayed up until five in the morning doing it and totally fucked myself over because at Noon we had to go out and finish dropping off Judy Junor's leaflets. We also did some Data Entry at the Campaign Office this afternoon, and then we had dinner with my cousin and her boyfriend and visited for a bit, so I had a really late start on my writing. But I made it! :D I am going to work really hard on getting it all out.

I've decided to write about my lived experiences with Bipolar. I went to a coffeeshop on Saturday afternoon and wrote for a few hours and then came home and typed it up. I had just typed in the last word when my foot hit the power bar and it shut the computer down. What followed was some loud swearing and frantic messing about trying to get the computer to work. The computer was being really slow starting up because it had been turned off so rudely. It kept freezing at the login screen and making me anguished. I had written three pages! Nooooo! I didn't want to spend an hour retyping the whole thing again. But lucky for me the auto recovery worked and I only had to retype the last paragraph.

I'm behind in where I should be, I should have finished 10,002 words today to be on target for getting 50,000 by the end of the month. But I can do some more marathon writing sessions. I wrote about when I got my heart broken and made myself cry. Which is funny, because I cry so rarely. It was cathartic I think. It was a silent cry, tears streaming down my face as I tickety tacked typed. It was good, even though it gave me a big lump in my throat.

I'm excited to be writing, although I know it's all jumbled up and will need some revisions once the month is up. I've never tackled such a huge goal in such a short time. I've got sixteen pages now, although it is divided up into chapters so a couple pages only have one paragraph on them.

Tonight I was standing outside smoking and thinking and remembered that I am (if all goes according to plan) going to Australia and Germany next spring and summer respectively. BIG TRIPS! I have never been to Australia before, and I am pretty excited. This blog is one of the things that is going to be featured as part of the reason I am out there, along with some videos. I've never had anyone want to show my blog as a valid art project. I'm curious how it will be received.

Oh man my back aches, I am not sitting right when I write, I write all hunched over and fuck myself over. I need to practice better writing posture, more relaxed writing posture.

I need to fall in love again, with someone new who is actually a possibility. I'm tired of being in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even if she does love me. I will always love her, but I need a more active love, someone who wants to have sex and live together and get married and have back rubs and who I can take care of and who will take care of me until we are both dead and cremated. I'd like to have a girlfriend I can introduce to my grandparents, because they are in their 90's and on the way out and I really want them to meet a sweetheart of mine. They never have met any of my other lovers.

I'm thinking of doing Script Frenzy in April, where you write a script all month, it's an offshoot of NaNoWriMo. Although I might be in Australia for a couple of weeks then and spending time in another country writing doesn't appeal to me when I could be doing a bunch of other things. They also have a challenge where they invite you to tackle a big life goal over the course of a year. I am thinking of giving that a shot, but I have no ideas what I want to do.

New Bed Day

I've been babbling about it since yesterday on Facebook when we went and bought MY NEW BED!!!! It's queen sized and has a bamboo fibre pillowtop and it's so cozy. BUT when they delivered it today they couldn't get the boxspring down the stairs. So tomorrow they are delivering a split boxspring. I hope it's still comfy. This is the first time I have gotten a bed with a boxspring. BOXSPRING!

I have stalled altogether on my Novella. I don't know what to write. And I did so well that first day, even though I didn't meet the minimum number of words I need to write. I was going to write a satire on the new common experience of adults going back to live with their parents in these wintery economic times. But I don't know how to make it interesting. I kind of just wrote it like it was about me exactly, right down to the mice eating my popcorn.

I just discovered the wonders of Zinc Oxide on a burning butt! I kept going to the bathroom and it was BURNING! So I got saved by Zinc Oxide and Pepto Bismol! Ta Da!

Home remedies are great.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, the wonderous Dr. Conacher, and found out I have lost even more weight. I am down to 187.2 pounds! That's amazing! I am starting to be able to take off my size 14s without undoing the zipper or button. Which does worry me because I don't want to go out and buy all new jeans again. I'd like to stay at this weight, and be the girl with the little round tummy. Anyway, Dr. Conacher thinks I am doing so well that I don't need to see her again until April! :D BUT I have to get my bloodwork done, so they know I am not being poisoned by my Epival. And that I haven't developed diabetes from my antipsychotic.

A girl told me I was cute last Friday when I went out, but of course I was drunk and stupid and just stammered. I don't know what to do when girls think I am cute! I mean, I know what to do eventually when they take me to bed, but getting there is really really hard for me! I just stammer and twiddle my toe in the dust. I wish I didn't come off so standoffish. I need to practice asking girls out.

I did try asking girls out on Plenty Of Fish, or just making conversation anyway, but no one replied to my messages. REJECTED! Maybe I should put up a photo of myself that doesn't have fangs in it. I just wanted to show off my goofy side!

I am so excited to sleep on the top half of my new bed! I hope Hermione doesn't pee on it, she was very excited to jump about on it and we played "I'm gonna get you!" and she did that cute backwards jump several times. I love dogs. I just don't like it when they pee on my bed. Especially NOT A NEW BED! :O

Mmmmmm, new mattress! So cozy! I'm excited. I have wanted a real grown up persons bed for a long time. I was fine with futons, but I yearned for more. Maybe I will ask a girl out soon and actually get a girlfriend who will come over for sleepovers! :D

NaNoWriMo

I've been tossing around the idea of writing a book for a while now. I like writing, and maybe I could make a few cents off my royalties from the few people who would buy it. Maybe I will write a best seller. I think I need to write about a murder to get a best seller though, they seem to be crime books that end up on that list. I don't really want to write about murder though. Bleh!

I decided to participate this year in NaNoWriMo, also known in long form as National Novel Writing Month. Every November people from all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. That is approximately 1666 words a day, or three pages. THREE PAGES! Single spaced! It's kind of hard for me. So far. Also my cousin Deanna came over yesterday and parked herself on the computer during prime writing time so I didn't finish up what I had planned. I made it to 992 words. So far short of 1666 words! Three pages a day equals 21 pages a week! :O

It was kind of a whim. I might give up halfway, but it's a good challenge. It will at least make me think, which might help my other challenge which is to make a Super 8 film, in Colour! :D By January! :O It's like an assignment. I have to think of something to do with it. So far writing has not given me any ideas. Which is too bad.

That Elephant who was friends with a dog lost her friend, Bella the dog died of a coyote attack. The poor Elephant, they mourn like humans. They even cry when they are sad. Elephants break my heart, the world is so hard on them.

My cousin has started living with us, because of his relationship teetering on breaking up and so forth. So now we have him, and his kid sometimes, and it is going well so far except for the night I gave him some E and he bothered me for half an hour for a cigarette or more E. Sigh! I have quit smoking again, just because I am tired of giving him cigarettes and not having any is the easiest way to get around it. He can buy his own cigarettes. We're building a suite for him in the basement and in the meantime he is living in Sky's room. Soon to be moving to the room I am in now, the computer room. And the computer room will be in a smaller room. One whole house and there are very few available rooms left. And the basement has no more carpet.

This morning Kristjan, the little boy, woke up at 5:30. Hola!

Anyway, now I am off to run errands, I think I am going to work on my novel when I get back. So far I want to write a parody of living with my mom at the age of 33. can it be interesting at all?

Belly Button Better

My scab finally fell off my bellybutton and I rejoiced. I was tired of feeling all wounded and ugly. Now I have a crusty scar. In the end I discovered there were no stitches from my surgery, I was all held together with Steri-strips. My incisions were actually really small, I swear one is only a centimeter long. I feel back to myself and I am sure I am still healing, but it feels pretty DONE! Whew! I remember the first day I felt all gross because my innards felt like they were moved around. Now they have fallen back into place, and all that carbon dioxide is out of me.

So that is the update on the gallbladder surgery. I still haven't gone to Gibsons for fish and chips, because I was too scared! But now I think I am ready to try it out. The fattiest fish and chips EVER!!!!!

Maybe I should top it off with a deep fried mars bar!

Or better yet, a banana fritter!

I'm a sucker for banana fritters. They had really good ones at the fringe this year, whole bananas all frittered and fried, hot and covered in honey and whipped cream! OMG! So good!

My business is still not getting any income, but I am getting a second chance at working more or less full time on it. Saskatoon Tribal Council offers income assistance while you are getting self employed. I had to get a business license and a business bank account first. I now have those! I have to find a frame for my license. Or I could just tack it up I guess. It has to be displayed prominently, but my office is still not set up and won't be for a while.

I am also applying to SIEF for five thousand dollars to get a laptop and software to start out with. That's really all I need at first. And hopefully I can get some contracts and start making money to buy more things for my business, along with paying myself an income. I was going to ask for 15,000, but realistically I don't want to be on the hook for that much money. If I fail miserably a five thousand dollar loan is much easier to pay back than three times that amount.

There is a Simply Accounting class they are also going to pay for, so that I know how to do my books. AND they will probably also get me some driver training.

I did really good at quitting smoking, I had four weeks done when I slipped by smoking some pipe tobacco all rolled up in a rolling paper, and then I just wanted a bit more, and some more, and then I was smoking again for real, with my own pack of smokes even, not bumming them off people. Brought down by some of the grossest tobacco ever! I don't recommend rolling up pipe tobacco. I felt like a failure. I want to try and quit again. I know I can get further than four weeks. It's just those slips that get me. Soooo, well hopefully soon I can get myself sorted.

I went to my concurrent disorders education group last week and learned about the effects of marijuana. But not much was new to me. This week they are talking about anxiety disorders. I don't really have a problem with anxiety with the meds I am on, so I think since I can only do an hour I am going to go to the drop in after the education group. I feel like getting some support! Actually tonight is the bipolar support group too. I wonder if I should go. I went for pizza and elections last week. PIZZA! I don't really know why I am going to support groups, they are kind of goofy and I don't even have anything I really want to share, except with maybe the concurrent disorders group because we all have mental health AND addiction issues in common. One other thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of men who go to the groups and not so many women.

It's nearly November and I don't have a job. I've been on Welfare for October and I am getting November's money on Friday. I'll pay my rent and have a bit for fun and bus passes and my phone, but then I will be broke again. Frig, I forgot about my stupid phone.

There goes 55 bucks! Buckaroos!

It's Halloween weekend. I am going out on Friday, but not Saturday or Sunday unless something REALLY fabulous comes up and I have enough money.

I need to send my camera in to Sony for fixing. Maybe I should call Matrix video and see if they can fix a Sony camera for me. It's not under warranty anymore, I will have to pay for it. BLEH! UGH! But I need a camera.

I have been commissioned to make a Super 8 film by January. I really don't know what to make it about, I am thinking furiously! What topic really needs to be addressed? I already committed myself to making a video about being butch with my grant, so I can't do that idea. I would love to make some porn, but I don't have a counterpart who would fuck with me on camera. I can't even convince someone to fuck me off camera. And I don't know any hot to trot lesbian couples in Saskatoon who I want to make a porno with. It's going to have to be experimental with a narrative, but what the hell is the narrative? And what imagery would I use? It's distressing. I wish I didn't have a big ass creative block. Stupid block. I need some kind of brain flushing. I need to brainstorm. Hmm. I really want to veer back into making queer queer queer films. And I also have to keep in mind the medium. Super 8 is different than video. The rolls I am getting are colour too. Which is exciting. I thought colour was dead. So it has to be colourful too. AaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhH! Creativity fart! There's a tumbleweed rolling around in my head.

I have to write a script! What has been bothering me??? What is relevant to the larger society from a marginalized little human like me? What hasn't been said about being queer? And why oh why can't I find someone to have sex with me on camera???? I wish I even had an ex lover in town who would give me a spin just for old times sake and the sake of lesbian porn. See, if I hadn't been celibate for most of my life, I would totally be pumping out the sex tapes. I love sex! I just don't have it very often.

Maybe I should make a version of my Mars tape for the Super 8 festival. I dunno. I think I need more money for that. Better to wait.

It's hard being a lesbian making lesbian art without some good old fashioned lesbian fucking involved. It's not show stopping. Dammit! I need to get some inspiration. Nudity is boring too, without sex. Plus with the weather the way it is, nudity is not a good idea.

Hands Up! Baby Hands Up! Give me Your Love Give me Give me Your Love!

Today is International Fisting Day! So since I don't have a lover at the moment and can't celebrate today by actual fisting activity, I thought I would write about it.

I think my first introduction to fisting was in a Pat Califia book, Macho Sluts. I would have been seventeen or something when I read about it. I didn't do it for a while though, and the first time it did happen was almost accidental.

She was my fourth lover and was just doing me with her hand when it just naturally slipped inside. I remember her asking me "Doesn't that hurt?" But it didn't. I was really turned on and receptive and it was amazing how even the gentlest movements inside me were driving me wild.

To be honest, I haven't done much fisting since. Just a few times. When I was on the other side of the fist, with my hand deep inside my girlfriend I remember the awe I felt that she was being so vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling this pink feeling, I really don't know how to describe it.

I have heard some misadventures with fisting, like people who don't do it right and end up making their partner bleed for a few days. I think that would be really mortifying. But I don't hear about misadventures as much as some would think.

So VOILA! Here is a Link on fisting from Babeland! Because I know you want to try it now, and were about to ask "But how can I fist my lover?"

Also someone on the facebook page mentioned this handy hint for femmes with long nails who want to fist, just put cotton balls in the tips of a latex glove and go to town! So brilliant, I wish I had thought of that when lover number Five was trying to fist me and had long nails. (It was unsuccessful)

I really do miss fisting. The last time I had sex we could have fisted maybe, except I wasn't open enough for it to be possible really. My vagina really is not always the same size, it totally fluctuates and I am not sure why. I suppose I could Ask Jeeves! LOL! Does anyone ask Jeeves anymore?

Anyway, there is my fisting blog, because when it comes to International Fisting Day, I am always ready to lend a hand! More awareness! More Fisting in porn! Yeah!

First Surgery! Hopefully the last!

On Monday at around four pm I went under general anesthetic and had my gallbladder removed. I was pretty nervous, but the staff and surgeon and anesthesiologists and so forth were very calming and explained exactly what was going to happen to me and what I would feel like after. Going under was weird, they put a mask over my face and at first it was alright breathing and then it was hard getting my breathe out and then boom, I was out. I don't remember anything until I woke up moaning in the recovery room. I was drifting in and out and making noises every so often and I was getting really annoyed by these nurses having a conversation beside me because I just found their voices so grating! Ha ha, but then they wheeled me off to my shared room on the post surgical ward. My bed pissed me off because it was this air mattress that kept adjusting itself and filling up with air and then deflating again. And they put a blood pressure thing on my legs and my arm had a cuff that kept inflating and squeezing me. When they finally took it off I was relieved. I had an IV in for most of the night and kept adjusting myself and asked for painkillers twice and an anti-nausea drug once.

The next day the doctor saw me at 7am and told me they were sending me home, but then the nurses wanted to wait until after breakfast. I almost cried. Then after breakfast the nurses decided since it was the first meal I had since going under, they would wait until after LUNCH for me to be discharged. I almost cried again. I wanted to go home so bad! Finally I ate part of an egg salad sandwich and some cream of broccoli soup and they decided I was well enough to leave.

I didn't realize the roads were so bumpy until Mum drove me home. Ugh! I came home and basically slept and slept and slept. I ached. It was awful.

Then today I woke up after a bizarre dream of this crazy sex toy store with an insertable fake lizard, and I felt good enough to actually move about and not have naps and we went out and ran some errands. I got shampoo and conditioner and soap and body wash, and we got some premade meals from M&M meats. I had my first post-surgical shower and patted my incisions/punctures dry.

I can't lift anything heavier than ten pounds. I think my dog is twelve pounds. But I have been lifting him up, and so far so good. He was really confused at first that his mum wasn't being all sweet on him like I usually am when I first came home, but since then he and I have had some snuggles.

I am excited to go have gibson's fish and chips this week, but I am still nervous. Even though the doctor said I could have anything I wanted to eat now. I wanted to wait because for the first day everything tasted like anesthetic and was gross and made me want to puke. Now food is more appetizing. But until today, we didn't have much food that I wanted to eat.

I am taking extra strength tylenol AND ibuprophen as per doctor's orders, and the pain level has been more manageable than when I was in the hospital. It hurts if I press against something though, like the counter at the bank, for instance. But I've been doing pretty good. I am actually surprised at how well I am doing, especially considering how miserable I was yesterday. I am looking forward to two weeks from now when the stitches are out and I am doing well. Everything is looking up from here!

The only bad thing is I had to take out my hood piercing before surgery, and I have had trouble getting the damn thing back in! I am hoping this is due to my ineptitude and not because it has grown back in already. I really wish I had a girlfriend, then I would ask for her assistance. As it is, I have no one to help me!

Empowering My Sober Self

It has been four days today without any weed, and I am feeling good! I still really really want to try this experiment of going six weeks without weed, which is how long it takes to get out of your system. I'd be able to pass a drug test! BUT my cousin in law who is studying to be an addictions counselor says it really takes three months to start noticing the benefits of being free from the green. Still, a six week goal is a start, and then I could evaluate if I want to be clean for longer. If it is working for me.

I'm a little crabby, but that is to be expected. It's something I can shake off.

I've been reading this really good book called Empowering Your Sober Self: The LifeRing Approach to Addiction Recovery, by Martin Nicolaus. It really takes groups like AA/NA to task over how they pathologize people with addictions to make them diseased, powerless, morally deficient, and full of character defects. It also explains how the liquor industry really promoted this idea of alcoholism as a disease that affects a small percentage of the population, whereas this book says ANYONE can become an alcoholic if they drink enough. Or drug addict, I suppose.

If marijuana is not addictive, how come so few people can stop?

But anyway, the book really spoke to me. I went to a couple of AA meetings and one NA meeting and never went back. I didn't like the lord's prayer and I didn't like admitting I was powerless because that seems really self defeating. In this book I am reading it explains that if you do get sober through AA, it is attributed to your higher power, while if you don't get sober it is blamed solely on you! That's so true! And it even has a section on how the powerless model is bad for women and minorities who need to be EMpowered. AND there is no scientific evidence that alcoholism or drug addiction is a disease at all.

I went to the Concurrent Disorders Education Group yesterday and learned about stress and how it works and how to manage it better, without relying on weed and stuff. I also got the schedule for all the topics of the education group from now until January. They are having one group all about marijuana and it's effects on persons with psychiatric illnesses. I wanted to stay for the support group part of it, but two hours is a bit long for me, although I mostly wanted to say I had finally been clean for three days in a row. It's a big achievement!

Rendering Pines, Rendering Pines

I am writing a blog while I wait for my support material to render on my computer downstairs. I almost wasn't going to apply for this round of SAB grants, but then I finally got my final report in, and I just thought, well, maybe I should give it another shot. I haven't applied in a long time and I am asking for way less than I have in the past. About 6000, unless I change my mind and try for 7500. But not 17000 or anything major. I just want to get a couple months of living allowance and rental money for equipment and travel money and so forth. I asked these fine folks in Hamburg if I could do a residency next year in the summer and they said yes and sent me some letters of invitation to include with my grant application. SOOOOOO I am giving it a shot. I really hope I get it, because I have a good small project in mind about being a Butch woman. And also because I would like to spend more time in Germany. I just really like it.

So that's what is happening with my career. The Mars project is on the backburner for now, but I am still hoping something wonderful will happen and I can get development money. It's such a good idea!! Sigh. I might have to become a millionaire and make it with my pin money.

I wrote most of my project description for my grant today and used arty words like "performative", hopefully that is a point in my favour. I didn't go wild with the arty words, just enough! It's a delicate balance. I don't want to make the reader feel stupid and resentful of me and not want to give me money.

I haven't gotten any dates out of Plenty Of Fish yet. There seem to be a lot of very young people on the site and I am sort of looking for folks between 25 and 45. That's a twenty year age span, surely it is a large enough net to ensnare some lucky girl!

This week I found out I am getting surgery FOR SURE on Monday, THIS MONDAY!!!! The same day my grant is due. I have to see my family doctor tomorrow for a history and physical form and also to go over my medications and see if there are any I have to stop taking for the general anesthetic. I'm nervous I will have some terrible interaction and wake up to them defibrillating me or some such shit! But all I can do is trust the doctors and my surgeon. I've never been put under, I am worried I will get all panicky! But I will be out so fast and then wake up seemingly seconds later and it will be done. I have to spend a night in the hospital. I am planning to read about the holocaust. I didn't mean to read about something so depressing, but I got Night by Elie Wiesel from the used bookstore when we took our books there, and I dunno, it seems like it would hold my attention. I'll take some other books too. Maybe Whatever Happened To Princess Paragon, which is a REALLY good book and one I re-read at least once every three years. It's been about three years since I last read it, so I may as well read it again. Plus it is so entertaining.

I've been to the welfare office this morning. It wasn't as antagonistic as I worried it would be. Actually she was really nice, she meaning the intake worker. I got my direct deposit form in and my other supporting documentation, so hopefully next week I will get some cash to pay my rent. I also got a form to take to the transit office to continue my 20 dollar bus passes for the next six months. AND a new form for the leisurecard program. It lets me into civic facilities like the pools and gyms and tracks for free! I got one last year and only used it once. This time I will really really use it!

Well, it seems like it has been long enough that I can go downstairs again and check on my support material. Tomorrow is my last day on the needle job!!! :'( Sob! I am going to miss it, but also it is getting too hard to find them with all these yellow leaves everywhere. I won't have a reason to wake up at 8am anymore! I still will though, I don't want to get all in a rut and wake up at noon everyday again. I hate missing the part of the day with the sun.

Wee Wee Cars

When my cousin Steven was a little boy, he called Police cars, Wee Wee Cars. Because of the noise they make. Wee wee wee wee.

I've been applying for jobs still, and still not getting called in for any interviews. I finally removed my BFA from my resume in the hopes that being less educated will get me more attention from hiring managers. Kinda sucks, but maybe it will help. Most of the jobs I am applying for, with some exceptions, don't give a damn if I have a BFA in film and video. In fact, that might make me overqualified.

I used to think maybe my job at the Avenue Community Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity was what was keeping people from calling me back, but it doesn't say "for Gender and Sexual Diversity" on my resume. Who knows?

I have an appointment next week for getting on Welfare. BLAH! The good thing is it will give me another leisure pass for a year, and six more months of 20 dollar bus passes. I've had 20 dollar bus passes for the last year, because of being on welfare and then being on Skills Training Benefit. It sure was sweet! A pass is 71 dollars a month normally, for such sketchy Saskatoon service. Sundays the buses don't even run past 9, and the rest of the time they stop at quarter after midnight. Which seems to run counter to reducing drunk driving. If Saskatoon really wanted to reduce drunk driving, they should have buses run until 2:30. At least on the weekends.

I am feeling politically frustrated with the Conservative government. I recently found out that growing six pot plants will get you a longer sentence than if you rape a toddler or make a five year old have sex with a dog. It's pretty sick! What the fuck?? Pot should just be decriminalized, even though I agree it is addictive.

I haven't had any pot today! :D I am feeling pretty good about that. It's really hard for me to go without, but I am doing okay. I haven't even thought about it that much. Maybe I can get over my marijuana addiction now. It's such a stupid addiction. I wish I could control it, but when I have it I just smoke and smoke until it is gone! I've burned through so much weed. SO MUCH! And it hasn't really gotten me anywhere I want to go. It's made me sluggish and stupid and lazy and it kicks my creativity in the ass in a bad way. I think better and have more energy when I am clean.

I am currently reading a book from the library called Empowering Your Sober Self. It's not a 12 step based program, it's called LifeRing and it is based more on building up your sober side than destroying your addict side. However it does require abstinence. And while I am clean for today, it is hard for me to say I will be clean tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Still, a secular approach to recovery is much more in tune with my needs. I don't believe in a higher power restoring me to sanity, it makes more sense for me to restore it myself.

I have been struggling with atheist questions. I don't think I am an atheist though, I think I am a Buddhist. That goes more along with what I believe to be spiritually true. And I like that Buddhist leaders say that you should always question what is taught with scientific truths and discard what doesn't ring true anymore. That's something Christians don't do. I don't believe every word of the Bible is true, that is for sure. I know it was written by falliable humans.

I won my second free play in a row on Lotto Max! Now the jackpot is 40 million and I am hoping my ticket is extra lucky!

I also learned in my Sober Self book that addicts of all stripes have two opposing factions within themselves, the side that wants to continue drinking/drugging, and the side that wants to stop and become sober. That's EXACTLY like me! I feel like I should get to know people closer to my age and not just in their twenties when drinking and drugs is a way of life. People closer to my age seem more invested in putting this kind of thing behind themselves. I don't know.

It could be worse, I could be doing meth! That would suck, start eating my own scabs. EW!

This all being said I have to admit I am having a beer while I write all this.

I recently got a Plenty of Fish profile and am going to try online dating. I don't know how I will do. People I have talked to have had good luck with it though. Already I found some very very cute mixed race folks. So maybe maybe maybe I will get some dates out of it.

My mom tells me I am hard to have a conversation with. I guess this is true. But sometimes, I dunno, it just seems like too much effort to try and have a conversation. LOL!

A million is not what it used to be.

I apologize for how my last post was all squished together with no paragraph breaks, I was trying the new Blogger interface and IT SUCKS! I don't like it, I switched back.

I am home alone, I have been home alone for a few days now, Mom's coming back into town today after supper. I have to do the dishes still. My cousin ate almost all our bread. And we are poor! :( Bread is getting pricey, it's four or five bucks for a loaf now. Makes me think we should make our own.

I kind of fell off the no smoking wagon by accident last night. What I mean is I smoked a joint that turned out to have some tobacco in it. Sneaky sneaky!!! :O I feel awkward about this, it makes me wonder if I should only stick to joints I personally roll. I don't want to get triggered into smoking again. Tobacco is pretty gross, people shouldn't mix it with something as nice as marijuana.

Last night I saw Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS in glorious 35mm print. It was just as gross and sexy as I remember it. My friend Stef and I used to rent it from some alternative video store in Vancouver back in the mid nineties and laugh and laugh. Ilsa makes some pretty funny noises when she is having an orgasm.

I also saw a show at AKA and PAVED Arts last night called PsycheDADA which was pretty awesome. My favorite was my friend Keith Murray's installation.

Wow, what a review! Ha ha, I am not the best at writing reviews of shows.

I'm feeling frustrated by my lack of income. I've gotten in touch with people who say they have editing work for me, but then they just don't get in touch with me again. It's depressing me a bit because I know if I got just one decently sized job I could pay my rent and buy a macbook and the software required.

I also have to write a grant to make a video about being butch. I don't know if I will get a provincial grant to make such a queer video, but there is so little queer video being made in Saskatchewan that I think they should support it. I'm not even going to ask for very much, maybe five or six thousand dollars. I really want to make my Mars video, and I have been frustrated by the lack of financial support I have received to make it. People say I should make it anyway.

OMG! I have a ticket for Lotto Max, I should check it today! That would get me out of the house for twenty minutes. Well, fifteen probably, the corner store isn't very far. OH! But no one won the 20 million, it's up to 30 now. Lottery tickets feel like my only hope of getting out of poverty, it's depressing.
LATER: I just walked to the store all the way thinking "Please let me win 100 dollars!" I didn't win 100 dollars, but when I did check my ticket I won a free play for next week's draw for 30 million. So the hope stays alive for another week!

I really only buy lottery tickets just so I can day dream about what I will do with all that money. It would be so amazing. I could make any video I wanted to!

There are a few jobs coming up that I am going to apply for. I'm feeling a little silly applying for work right now, when I am six days away from surgery and will probably be out of commission for a little while. I don't want to get a job right away and then have to be home or at the hospital for a week healing. It would be kinda weird. Then again, I sort of HAVE to keep applying for work, just because my income is so terribly limited and once the snow falls I won't have a job at all! You can't pick up needles when they are under ice and snow.

I think there is something wrong with my resumes and cover letters, and I don't know what it is. I've tried everything it seems. I did a new resume listing off skills I have, but it still hasn't gotten me an interview.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Money sucks, I wish we could just barter. Or something. No, money is important, but it's also a terrible trap I think. And people kill themselves and other people over it. Sad.

Sometimes I wonder if it would really be such a good thing winning the lottery. I know I would have friends come out of the woodwork wanting my money, and that would be really awkward. And family. People have lost their entire winnings from others taking their money. That sucks. If I won I would want it to set me up for financial security for life. I don't imagine I would even spend that much, 30 million is a lot of dollars. Then again, the cost of living keeps going up and up and up! A million is not what it used to be.

It was three weeks this morning!

At 8:25 or so this morning, it was 3 weeks since I have had a cigarette! :D I am so excited about this. I have to remember I can't have one puff ever again of a cigarette, or I will be right back where I started. And I don't want to go through these last three weeks all over again. Not when I have come so far! Life has been uneventful otherwise. I have done my part time job and looked for other work and tried to get some editing contracts, unsuccessfully thus far. It's really too bad! I really need money. I tried to call in to the local radio station to win some money, but no such luck, the on air line was just busy. So oh well. I can try again. It would be nice to suddenly end up with 300 or 600 or 1000 dollars. Just to get some debt paid up. Like my rent. UGH! I feel bad for not having my rent this month. I did buy groceries though, but not a lot. I hate being poor. Nicotine Replacement Therapy is pretty pricey, about as much as the smoking habit costs, so I had to stop my nicorette lozenges today. I quit the patch last week, with no real problems. But I still had those lozenges to fall back on. And now I don't! I have tic tacs, but they aren't really as strong of a mint flavour as the lozenges were. I am looking for Altoids, but they don't seem to be sold everywhere like they used to be. Do you remember when Altoids were everywhere? Who knew I would look back fondly on those days? I'm always so damned wishy washy about pot. Well, I am not buying it right now. I am out. I have no intention of buying more anytime soon, but I can't make promises about the future. All I can say is right now I am going to take a break and then re evaluate. What I really need to do is take a six week break, the exact length of time it takes for the THC to get out of your system. Or, to stop showing up in drug tests anyway. I need to get my life together. Why is art labour so cheap? I wish I could get paid a decent amount of money for being creative. I don't even know why I am an artist. When I worry about getting food for my dog, I really question why I am a first nations lesbian video artist. It doesn't rake in the dough! If I hadn't failed a whole semester of university when I was going crazy in 2001, I could have gotten into at least one of the Masters programs I applied for, but I failed so I didn't get in. It fucked my GPA and I don't know how to ever fix it, even though I was descending into madness and it was just a doomed semester. I dropped out right after, if that gives you any indication as to my state of mind, and promptly moved to Montreal the following summer. Where all hell broke loose! But then I went back to school and finished my BFA and did all those credits again. But still, a whole semester of Fs! :O And I had never ever gotten a single F in my whole academic career before! I think a C is the worst I get usually. Mostly it's Bs. I am tired of feeling slowed down because of my pot use. I just think I really REALLY need to see what life is like without it. For a while anyway. I haven't even been getting very high lately, so it's kind of useless for me to smoke it. It just makes me feel relaxed, and I have been reading this quit smoking book called Think Quit and it has all these exercises in it for relaxation. And they work. So I am starting to realize that I have some options. I think it's really been just so I can relax that I smoke weed. I know there is a high feeling, but it's not always strong. Mostly it's just the relaxation I like. I don't want to go to treatment though. BLAH! I would feel silly talking about my weed use. In front of people getting off dilaudid or morphine or hard liquor or whatever. So I am going to keep going to my dual diagnosis group. Concurrent disorders, they call it. There are various names for addicted mentally ill folks. But anyway, I like this group because I feel like I fit in better, even though most of the people who come are men. I bought a Lotto Max ticket today for the 20 Million, I hope I win because then I can say to those people who call lotteries Stupidity Tax "I won 20 Million! Now who's stupid!" :D My neck hurts. I have been at the computer all evening looking at jobs. I applied for one. I think I wrote a better cover letter than my other ones. Maybe I will finally get an interview. I used to get interviews a lot easier. I wonder what has changed. I won't smell like a cigarette when I go to the interview, when I finally get one. That will be a point in my favour. I'm going to miss smoking stuff if I give up weed too. I still have some tea shisha, but I dunno, I am not super into it and I am also worried it is too close to tobacco for me to smoke, even though it is tea leaves instead of tobacco. So I wonder what I should do with my mouth instead of smoking. I should go outside and sing a song for five minutes and then come back in. That might be socially awkward, but if I held my hat out I might make some pocket change. Unless I am singing at home. In which case my Mom will make fun of me. I keep being in these dire situations with no money. I think I need to get a job that I commit to for longer than a year. Enough waiting on grants that never come! Also that reminds me, I still have to find out when APTN is accepting development proposals! Keep on trucking!

Long overdue personal changes

I just got back from three nights and four days (or three and a half?) at Anglin Lake, staying in one of the Land of The Loon Resort cabins soaking in Northern Saskatchewan life. I got one of those funguses that grow on tree trunks that looks like a shelf. The Dene burn it for a smudge, so I am drying it out on the car dashboard for future use! :D

While I was up there I didn't smoke ANY tobacco OR marijuana. It was really nice to get a break from pot, I was surprised how little I even thought about it. Sometimes when I can't have any for a while I get really antsy and anxious. But I was okay. And the no smoking has been going on for quite a while actually. I started patches and lozenges again nearly three weeks ago and did have a couple puffs off of pipe tobacco cigarettes (grody!) every morning for the first week just to get me going, but now the first thing I have in the morning is a nicotine lozenge and the itchy sensation of transdermal nicotine sinking into my shoulder. In three weeks I am going off the patches completely, and then a week after that I am going to switch from nicotine lozenges to altoids.

The other exciting thing that happened was I actually got in the drivers seat and drove twice while I was up north. I drove my mom and I from our cabin to the store at Christopher Lake. And then when we came back from PA from a shopping trip I drove into the site from the highway, dodging the worst holes in the worst 10 km of roadway I have ever seen! For those who don't know, I have never passed my drivers test. I only ever took it three times, back when I was 16 and 17. And then I just kind of gave up. No one liked driving with me so I hardly ever got practice, except for my six hours with the driver's ed instructor. But since then I have matured and mom got on anti-anxiety medication, so it's actually worked out pretty good. Anyway, I am 33 now and still don't have a driver's license, just a learners. But after driving up there, I have decided I am seriously going to practice a lot and take my test before November 11. Because there won't be snow on the ground and also just because remembrance day was the first date in november that popped into my head. I should have picked Guy Fawkes day instead or something though, Novembrance Day as a deadline for my road test is kind of silly.

Having a driver's license would be a HUGE change for me, and would give me a lot more freedom and independence, especially in Saskatoon, a sprawling north american prairie city where you pretty much have to have a car to do anything beyond the bus routes. Our public transportation system is pretty sad. Buses only go until 12:15am, and 9:15pm on Sundays, even worse!

I am not ready to say goodbye to pot, it's been a long time friend and I still like it. I think the only reason I want to quit it is for other people, and I think that's the wrong reason. I should quit because I want to quit, and not because other people think I should quit. I think I need to be more responsible with it, but cutting it out of my life entirely seems harsh.

But the lack of tobacco in my life has been really sweet. Food tastes better, my fingers aren't yellow, I don't smell, my cough has mostly gone away, I have less phlegm in my throat, I'm not spending beaucoup de money on something I burn away, well, except for pot. It's good. And for some reason using the patch and the lozenge has really been working well for me this time around. I can only think of one difference.

The lozenges now also come in mini lozenges. This might not sound like a big difference, but now I get 4mg of nicotine in ten minutes, instead of the 35-45 minutes it took the big 4mg lozenges to dissolve. And because they dissolve so fast, I can use a more reasonable amount of them throughout the day because my mouth can't eat or drink caffinated drinks while I am sucking on a lozenge and it just takes too much of my time.

I don't have cravings for cigarettes anymore, I know it will be weird when I am around my smoking friends, so far I have stayed inside when they go outside to smoke and that helps. I know it will be a trigger to be around someone who could potentially give me a cigarette, but I am really REALLY resolved not to ask for one. And being clean of cigarettes for so long is something I really want to maintain, just because the first three days are so hard.

I don't miss smoking. When I want to breathe smoke I can just have a joint, and besides, breathing smoke is kind of creepy. I remember when I went to the Body Worlds exhibit, the fact that I could tell which people were smokers in their lives really freaked me out. BLACK LUNGS! No trace of pink, just black black black.

And I was tired of being anxious every time I heard a breakthrough cancer treatment was YEARS down the road still, just in case my smoking would finally trigger all that bad stuff it does and I would need that breakthrough cancer treatment and it wouldn't be available for me.

So anyway. Things are finally shifting in my life. I feel relieved that this quit has been smoother and easier, I am excited about practicing and becoming a better, competent driver and getting a piece of paper that says I am legally allowed to drive without anyone else in the car, just me and Mister or me alone or me and a friend or three. And I wrote down some other goals too while I was up north. I am going to write my whole Mars webseries, get my business off the ground, try to get a grant to go to Germany and make a video (but I have to think of a project still! Eeek!), and something else. I wrote it down anyway, so I haven't totally forgotten, or if I have I will soon be reminded. I also wrote down deadlines for each goal, and steps to take to make each one happen.

I lost four sizes in the last year. FOUR SIZES!!!! That's what having a rotten gallbladder will do for you! I hardly eat fat anymore, and I have way less soda, and I have also got a job where I walk for at least six hours a week. So I am way more physically fit, although I am still technically plus sized. I'd be happy to stay at a size fourteen for a while, I like that I still have a roundness to my tummy and cushy boobs and a bigger bum. I don't think I want to be a size twelve.

My pants were all way too big for me. Only one of them fit, so I went to the Old Navy 17 dollar jeans sale and got three pairs of jeans. Which is pretty much the only kind of pants I wear. I'm glad this time I have not lost weight due to mania, because A: that kind of weight loss is way too fast and comes back pretty quick, and losing and gaining in a short space of time isn't very healthy, and B: Mania sucks and psychosis has ruined my life twice and I'd rather it didn't happen again.

I am giving up looking for a girlfriend right now. I don't think there is anyone suitable in Saskatoon, or if there is I don't know it yet. I'd really like to be with someone, but it's not happening and I don't feel like going hunting in the two gay bars here. That was something I was more into in my early 20's. And my mom is right anyway, you shouldn't marry anyone you meet in a bar. Besides, I am weird, I need someone who wants a weirdo. And I dunno, I don't get the feeling the lesbians are clamouring after me here, there are a whole bunch of strikes against me. Or it feels that way. I need a certain something that isn't here. And I don't even have a good dating history in Saskatoon for people to get references from as to my abilities of a girlfriend. I only have one ex who lives here. And she doesn't know any of my friends or social circle, so no one can ask her what I am like. And I don't think she would give a good answer either. If I had to get a girlfriend reference from any of my exes, I think I would pick Amber Dawn, I was with her the longest, except for Ivana, but she lived in Toronto, so it was different. But Amber Dawn lives in Vancouver.

I feel like I am moving into a new phase of my life. I'm really not sure what is going to happen to me, but except for my money troubles, things are going really positively for me. I wish I had more financial security, like a guaranteed income, but I am starting a business and that does poke along the first year in stops and starts. My big flaw is that I am still learning how to do sales calls, and I feel really awkward about trying to chase down some clients. This next week I am going to work on my website and get it more ship shape. I am also going to create my reel to upload, which I really think I need if I want to prove to people that I can edit.

I am going to Saskatoon Tribal Council on Tuesday to see if they can pay for me to have some driving lessons with a professional instructor before my exam. And I have resolved to practice way way more often. I'm nervous about being in traffic, so far I have driven with not much traffic around, but I will work up to it.

I don't know what else to say today. My trip was great. Caring for my grandparents the whole time was intense though. And worrying about my grandma's back.

We went canoeing, which was also fun and something I hadn't done in years and years. I accidentally dumped my mum out though when we hit land. Her shoes are still wet!

If I could give advice to myself

If I could give myself advice 10 years ago, it would be this:

Get Airmiles and get your prescriptions at the Safeway Pharmacy. You will see so many movies for free this way!

Don't feel so embarrassed by what you are going to do in the next few years, because mania is part of an illness and it is what it is and does what it does to most of the people who have it in a very similar way. Lots of people end up thinking they are some kind of messiah and it's just a different kind of symptom than most physical illnesses.

Maintain good boundaries and don't get caught up in drama other people stir up. It makes you look better.

Don't accept being bullied because that is not acceptable.

Don't be afraid to fall in love, and don't be afraid to be alone, because you mostly will be alone anyway.

Don't forget to go out and do things on your own because independence is a good thing no matter what people say about women on their own.

Don't feel like you have to ride a motorcycle and eat beef ribs and never get fucked back to be a proper butch. That's just silly, no one gets to make any rules about what butch is.

Do love your friends and spend at least some time daydreaming about crushes, because that is fun and will make the rest of your mid twenties to mid thirties bearable!

Keep trying Velveeta's number because sometimes she is not paranoid of collectors and will pick up the phone and then you can hear her great laugh that makes rooms of people laugh it is so funny!

Don't hold grudges unless someone was consistently an asshole to you and doesn't deserve another chance.

Be prepared to cry lots and lots and then not cry for four years and then being able only to cry once in a very long while when fictitious elves die.

Start entering any contest you find and looking online for printable coupons. You will not regret it, it's even better than the lottery.

Buy lottery tickets for the moment of hope, but don't expect to be able to quit your job anytime soon. And make sure to sign your ticket ALWAYS!

Nurture your friendships.

Visit your grandparents as much as you can.

Don't be so depressed when you move back to Saskatoon. It is not actually that bad of a place to live.

Get counseling about your experience in the psych ward in Montreal.

That time you quit smoking for six months because you were kissing someone cute, keep not smoking!!!!

********************************************

Well that is what I would say. I have started taking these tiny nicorette mint lozenges that only take about 12 to 15 minutes to melt away and it's a LOT better. I have them every couple of hours when I am really having a nic fit. And it's redirected my focus. They are kind of like altoids. I did have a couple puffs of pipe tobacco in a blue zig zag this morning, but I got grossed out and put it out. I haven't had any since. I have mostly not smoked, except for in the mornings right when I wake up. Mornings are tricky for me. I wake up and the first thing I naturally think is "YAY! I get to go have a cigarette!" Seriously, exactly that wording too! And so while I am sleeping I am not conciously thinking about my quit and so I forget about it and wake up and am still all "YAY! I get to go have a cigarette!" And it's kind of a downer to think "NO YOU DON'T!" right after so early in the morning.

Oh, I have to tell you about my big score! My Christian Lacroix airplane bracelet came in the mail today from OutTV, and so did my 2 admissions 2 drinks 1 popcorn voucher from Airmiles, and then I googled Nicorette Patch Printable Coupon and got a coupon for 5 dollars off! That's so much betterer! More better! From now on it's all Airmiles, Contests, and Coupons! To hell with grant writing, this is more instant gratification!

Although to be serious, I am applying for funds soon again, like within the next six months, and it could be in a few weeks and it could be later. But I am going to actually try my luck with APTN. The Industry! OMG! I hope I don't get chewed up by the Industry and spit out on a black list when Harper tries to take over the arts to crush our spirits!

Jack Layton died this morning. It was the first thing I heard and made me feel sort of alone. Like, what! Noooo! But I knew it was going to happen, his last public appearance he looked like a skeleton. Poor guy. Cancer sucks! What will happen to us now?

Demoralized!

So I guess I should recap, which is that I didn't get my grant. I am applying for a job everyday and just waiting to be called back for an interview. I am also exploring a different idea of what to do with my Mars video. I am going to make a web series out of it, which means I am applying for totally different funds. More Industry funds, which is scary because me and the Industry have a rocky relationship. I think I shocked a few people back in the day, when to be a Thirza was shocking. I don't think I shock anyone now. Is that good or bad? Maybe I have lost my edge.

It's a bummer. Oh well, so the Canada Council doesn't want to fund me. And because it's the second time I've applied with that project, I can't apply again. Which is a major bummer! UGH!

I don't get it. I don't understand funding decisions. Sometimes I think total crap decisions get made.

It's like playing the lottery really. Which I also do.

I won a free play on my Lotto Max ticket and the next jackpot is 40 million dollars! Maybe I will win! Then I never have to network with the right people to get a Canada Council grant!

Oh god I sound bitter. Well, looking for work sucks. I don't like it. It's really demoralizing. And writing grants and not getting them is demoralizing too.

So I am applying for some development money to pay a little bit of living so I can buy a computer that isn't from 2003. Why it's almost as old as I have been a diagnosed manic depressive!!! I should also really apply for a loan for my business. Try try try!

But I do need something to live on. It would be nice to get a contract and do some editing work for somebody. Then I would feel like it was worth the trouble to incorporate. Yeah, that's a real good ad for my services.

(But seriously, if you want me to edit for you get in touch, I do good work!)

I did apply for one job that was 20 dollars an hour and had a P.O. Box instead of an email or street address. It was all a bit mysterious. I actually put paper inside of an envelope and put a stamp on it and walked to the mailbox near the four way stop and put it in. It was almost quaint. I thought how exciting it was, because of course now everything is instant. I guess they don't want to be pestered by follow up phone calls and emails. Which I am told, according to all the job hunting websites, I am supposed to do. But I feel like a pest, I mean, what do you say really?? I don't want to be a bug.

I dropped by the school to drop of copies of receipts and get a cheque and one of the people who works there gave me a bit of a pep talk about getting my business off the ground. She said "My tax dollars didn't pay for you to be employed!" Meaning not self employed. It's true, I really need to put more work into it. I know there must be someone who needs editing done or can make a deal with me for some cash in exchange for video services.

Some of the jobs I applied for sound exciting, in weird ways. I am avoiding call centre jobs, although I don't mind answering the phone for people in an office. I just know I am a shitty employee but a marvelous worker when it comes to call centre jobs. I do it really well but I don't want to do it. So my absenteeism goes up when I am working those jobs. It's because people are mean to call centre employees. People are assholes actually!

And I am tired of assholes, I already have one.

See, if I was nineteen again maybe I would insert a paragraph here about anal sex or anal fisting more likely, but I am not nineteen anymore so you will have to suck it up buttercup!

I've had a weird few days. Week or so really. I am super emotional these days but it's okay. I am fine, just having emotions and not really being used to them because I didn't have them for so long. It's kind of crazy, because I have a mood disorder, and so I don't trust my moods. I'm really suspicious of them and I am happier but not necessarily healthier when I don't have emotions for a really long time. Maybe happy is the wrong word. I don't know. I am more carefree when I am not suffering from emotional responses to external situations. But it's a little bit cold and makes people feel weird. Someone wanted me to cry with them once and I couldn't cry, it was awkward.

I am a robot!

A meaty robot.

So life is all about adapting to weird situations. I actually did increase my job search to all of Canada, but then my Mom told me I couldn't just leave her so I went back to just looking in Saskatoon.

Such horrible news!

No, I still haven't heard about my grant. What horrible news I am talking about is the massacre of the uncontacted tribe in the Amazon by drug traffickers from Peru. Such a sickening thing to hear about. And even if the tribe did manage to hide or flee, they have had contact with those people and have therefore suddenly been exposed to viruses they don't have immunity for.

It pisses me off. I fucking hate genocide, and all because of drugs. So fucked up! Why? Ugh! I have done coke in the past, but I am never touching it again because for all I know these genocidal murderers have been implicated in it. BAH!

I never much liked cocaine anyway. It always seemed like a stupid drug, all it did was keep me from being able to sleep. Who needs that? I like sleep!

On to other things:

I have decided to start shooting for my video, even though I don't have my grant yet. I kind of have to, this annual carnival called the Exhibition is in town and it features heavily in the beginning of Mars: The Maiden Voyage. And I am finishing shooting in January, should I get funding, and I want to have the video done by July, and the Ex won't come back again until next August. So here I go! I'm excited, it should be fun, and we will have a car to go put the equipment in while we take a shooting break to go on some rides. I am doing green screen to put the actors in later, and it will be the first time I've done that in a video I've intended to distribute.

I didn't hear about my grant today. I already mentioned that. Well I called the Canada Council to inquire about when the results are coming out and they told me they were just finishing admin stuff and the results would be out "shortly." What does that mean? A week? Three days? I don't know. So after I got off the phone I was kind of like "Gee, that is highly vague!" And then I was frustrated again. But there is nothing to do but wait!

I'm excited about going out shooting video! YAY! VIDEO! I love video. It is my favorite thing in the world, I am going to marry it. I haven't done any serious shooting with a purpose for my own career since You Are A Lesbian Vampire. I used to be so prolific. Now I am just, I dunno. I did do some work that is currently invisible to the public, like writing Bunnyhug and half my Mars script. Writing scripts seems so invisible. Like, who is going to see them really? I always used to give copies of Bunnyhug on PDF to close friends and none of them ever said anything to me about it again. I have absolutely no feedback on it, it is kind of weird! It makes me miss being in school where everyone had an opinion on my art in progress. Crits are actually pretty great.

It's been a strange life. Such a strange life! Oh well. It is my life.

bell hooks had this thing about the X class, an intellectual/artistic group of highly educated people who are also extremely poor. It really resonated with me. Van Gogh would have been X class. He was always asking his brother Theodore for money to keep making his art. We read some of those letters in art school. He was so broke while he was alive. I think every artist has a fear of being Van Gogh. Brilliant but totally disregarded until after death. Other people making a profit out of the passion that just cost you money your whole life. And totally mad of course. You have to flirt at least once with madness if you are a creative genius.

Actually some artists get really pissed off if you point out that there is a higher incidence of mental health issues (especially bipolar disorder) among artists than the general population. People don't like artistic and crazy mixing up.

When I am manic my art is really weird, I don't really like it after. And when I am depressed I make kind of serious hopeless videos. I like when I make comedy the best. It just makes me feel happy to make people laugh. Touched By Fire by Kay Redfield Jamieson is a really good book about creativity and manic depression. My Dad gave me a copy when I first got diagnosed bipolar. It helped me feel more comfortable with my diagnosis, even though it was so grim, all those creative family trees dotted with suicides.

Anyway, it is late here, and I have to get up and go to work in the morning. I guess I won't get my grant results tomorrow either. God, the suspense is killing me! Ahhhhhhh!

Sometimes I want to be beautiful

It's Sunday, and tomorrow is the day I made a bet with my mother that my grant results would come. I really hope they do. I am ready to make a big video. I want to work on art. I want to make something so beautiful people will fall in love with me and not be able to help themselves. Like the end of the book Perfume where he finally uses his magic beautiful girl perfume and everyone thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world and eat him. Although I don't want to be eaten.

Maybe eaten out!

It's been an alright weekend, I went to bed at 9 on Friday night because I was still pretty exhausted from this flu I have had for over a week. My nose has been runny, I started out with a sore throat, and coughing set in a couple of days into it and hasn't abated. For all of my long weekend I was in bed or on the couch just feverish and sleeping and sleeping and waking up to cough and blow my nose. UGH! I actually don't get sick very often, but when I do it gets pretty serious! And then there was the week and then this weekend this stupid flu was still hanging on! I'm glad it's more or less over now, just a little coughing and blowing my nose once in a while, not every five seconds. Last night I worked on my company's website with my web designer, and that was fun! I haven't had such a productive Saturday night in a really long time!

But yeah, it is nearing the end of summer and I haven't gone camping at all, which really makes me sad because I want to go to a lake, and I am so desperately poor. I get paid from my needle job on Wednesday, but it won't be even 200 bucks because I am so part time. Soo, I will probably be able to pay for some smokes, but that's about it, I need to give mum some of it for the rent, because I am so late paying that. It's really been waiting to see if I get my grant. I feel foolish being so dependent on what a jury has decided my future will be. I have already been turned down from the regular media arts grant for this project, and I hope there won't be a repeat of that in the aboriginal media arts category. But I don't really know. And then I am worried maybe people will think the project is too commercial, that I should apply for telefilm money, which I can't apply for anyway because I haven't made a feature. But you can't make a feature until you get telefilm money. UGH! I am thinking of making Bunnyhug with a cast of unknowns on a 60,000 grant from Canada Council, just so I can say I have made a feature. It wouldn't be that hard, there are no special effects, the only tough part would be the invertebrate zoo scene and getting a bunch of invertebrates for the set. Where would I find a live octopus? These are the questions I must answer.

I am really happy these days. And I don't know why. Since getting turned down for future shenanigans by Cutie I thought I would be sadder, but I am actually doing pretty good. I haven't had a supply of marijuana fueling me these last few days. I wonder if that is it? It's kind of weird, because I smoke pot to feel happy since often I feel sad, but I haven't smoked any except for, uh, well two bowls in the last 28 hours. But none today. And none for three days before then. I just have no money to buy more. And I don't feel that desperate need where I go all around the house looking through all my pockets repeatedly looking for a roach. It's really nice!

I hope I don't get rejected by Canada Council tomorrow and get all depressed and despondent. That would suck, and I would be scrambling to try and solve my financial crisis. Which means getting a job, and I have had shitty luck getting interviews. I haven't been called back by Saskatchewan Research Council for their Interactive Communications Specialist position, which troubles me, because I thought I would be AWESOME for that position, even if I did get my grant. And they were looking for someone disabled to fill their quota, and of course I acknowledged I was disabled on the application. I also checked the aboriginal box, but I am not sure if that is wise or not. I don't know, people won't give me a chance it seems, which is why opening my own business seemed to be the most sensible thing to do. But not being able to get a loan really screwed me up.

I am tired of being so poor. Even my friends are tired of me being poor. The three people I spend time with most all make well over 30,000 a year and this year I will be lucky if I made even 12,000. It sucks! And I want to do the fun things they want to do but often I have a budget of 20 bucks for an evening of fun and they have at least 60 bucks to spend and I feel really shitty and unhappy about it. And they will want to go out and I won't be able to afford anything besides cover and one drink. Depressing! I want to be able to pay my way, and it is really frustrating that I often have to stay at home.

That was one thing I really liked about Berlin, it didn't cost that much to go out and have a bunch of drinks. Here drinks out are so expensive, about 6 or 7 bucks for a drink now. BLAHHHH!

Total rip off. It makes more sense to drink at home but friends who make over 30,000 a year tend to want to go out where the nightlife is happening.

Well whatever. My Mom is leaving for Wisconsin for 12 days soon and I am going to have a few hot tub parties and then I can drink at home and be fine! Ha! If I have money. Sigh.

Money is terrible.

I really do wish I was so beautiful people fell all over themselves when I walked into the room. Oh well. I guess I am cute. To certain people. People who appreciate butch women. And that is the other thing about trying to get work, people don't like hiring butch women. Maybe I will dress super femme next time I get an interview, a dress and make up and everything! Where would I get a dress?

I'm getting really skinny. I mean, I still have a round tummy, but none of my pants fit anymore. They all keep falling down my ass, and my butt doesn't look so nice because it isn't as big either and now my pants are all baggy back there. And my bra is getting baggy. I am losing my boobs and butt! OH NOES!

Being a video artist in Saskatoon is like making drawings for the blind!

School is officially OVER! Now I have been flung into the cold cruel world of next to no income and trying to figure out a way to get my business running. I still have no equipment, but if I got a big enough contract I am sure I could get some. So it is pretty frustrating. I am picking up used needles in the core neighborhood until the snow flies, so that is giving me a very modest income, not even enough for my rent which went up over 50% this month, from 400 to 612 or something like that. Obviously I haven't been able to pay it yet, which makes me feel depressed. It includes utilities, so at least I don't have to pay that. But whew, pricey! The good news is I am moving out of the basement and into where the computer room currently is, with south facing big windows and plenty of space.

I am still waiting to hear about my grant, it seems to take SO LONG to find out! I know, I know, there is a whole process to it and it can't be rushed. But the Exhibition is happening SOON and I need to do some shooting there for my project. I have decided to get shots and then green screen my actors in, since I can't possibly cast and make costumes in just a few days. Hopefully it works, I can only hope! I haven't done green screen since I was in film school, and even then it was only for an assignment and not for something I actually cared about. I understand how to do it, I just need a really good screen and even lighting. A light meter will help, even though it is just for video.

I got turned down in the nicest way possible by someone I recently had a fling with, so now I have a friend, which is just as good. I really liked her, but it was never going to work out anyway for various reasons, mostly to do with extreme distance. It's too bad, but she was really nice about it so I appreciate it, and it is better than being lead on, which has also happened to me somewhat recently with someone else. My Susan Miller horoscope promises that some planet or something will be in my house of true love for eight months this next year, so I still might meet someone new. I don't know. We'll see. I don't have much hope though, pickings in Saskatoon are pretty slim.

I have decided to move in a couple of years to Winnipeg. I am getting tired of how few quality jobs there are here for me, and how few people. And the art scene here is pretty bitchy, and at least back in 1999 Winnipeg had a very supportive arts community, with plenty of video art being made, and film. And the cost of living is equivalent to here. At least, that is the impression I have. I don't really know if Winnipeg will be a good home, I have a feeling it will be, but it could be just as difficult to crack the job market as Vancouver or Saskatoon. I am going to try and get a job there before I move though.

I decided on two years because I want to stay here until my Grandparents have passed on, but if they are still alive in two years I am still going to move. I just don't think I can really flourish in Saskatoon. I did so well in Vancouver in terms of my video career, and here I am just not even thought of for art things at all! Nobody cares about queer or first nations video art here. It's depressing, because that's what I do! It's like doing drawings for the blind. There are a couple of queer visual arts things which happen once in a long while, but I am never invited to participate. This town sucks ass in terms of advancing my career.

I have been thinking about moving for ages, but I always thought of Toronto. Now I am thinking Toronto is too far and too big and too expensive. People who move there have a really hard time finding work. And I know I would always be scrabbling and broke and hungry. And I don't want to be hungry again!



So that is what is up with me. I am hoping my video got into ImagineNATIVE and that I can go to Toronto in the fall and see some friends and network and that sort of thing. I haven't been out east in ages. Unless you count me being at the airport on the way to and from Berlin, but I don't count airport stops as actual visits to a city.

I really want to get into making my new video, I should really start making myself sit down and put in at least two hours of writing a day into finishing the script. And I have to do some research. I really need to start reading more about Mars colonization and terraforming and learn the lingo of astronauts. I suppose watching some 2001 A Space Odyssey would help too. Maybe. I have a lot to learn! And I need to start sketching what I want the ship to look like, and what the ufo will look like, and that sort of thing. There are lots of decisions to be made! But anyway, maybe if I sit down and write it will send out good energy for my grant to come through, even though I know the decision on whether or not my project merits funding has already been made.

Mum is also really depending on me getting this grant. We are on tenterhooks just freaking out and getting nervous! She is going on EI and trying to get a two year grant, but she won't know about that until January. So it is SUPER important that I get the grant this year. I really hope I do. I want to sink my teeth into some substantial videomaking!

Writing then getting tired while waiting

My Dad is in town and I got a message many hours ago that he was in a cafe and since then I haven't heard anything from him! WTH? It's not like he could get lost, it is Saskatoon. You just follow the river and you will find somewhere again.

Well anyway. I have to write two pages about the progress of my business. Which hasn't progressed much at all. I did learn some things about my craft, and how to run a business, and how to not run a business. And I do still want it to take off, and I am pretty sure it will, eventually. So I don't know how to make that sound good. I have been keeping my eyeballs peeled on job ads and I just tonight found one that involves my writing and film/videomaking skills. Sooo, I am going to apply for it, and they are particularly looking for people with disabilities, which is a plus. I should find out about my grant around the time they are calling people back for interviews. It would be nice to actually apply my film school training to a job. I think that could make me happy. It would keep my brain active. So that is the immediate future.

I think it would pay decently too, which would be nice. I could use a decent pay cheque. It would be nice to make enough to put a down payment on a house. I really want to own my own place. I will eventually. I just need 300,000 dollars! Canadian! Not even American!

Something is going to happen, something positive. Who knows what it will be. I have to write more. But it ain't gonna happen!

So I guess I will see Dad after 1:30 tomorrow? That's silly. Oh well. Good thing I have all morning to write. I will be extra attentive!

Waiting is terrible!

I am so horribly broke right now. I need to find some receipts and turn them in for some money back. But where did I put them? They are in the house for sure SOMEWHERE! I will find them, I WILL!

Anyway. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to get an artist fee. Where's that? I bet I made 35 bucks!

Which is still more than I have right now.

And I am waiting, totally nervous, for the results of my grant. I am trying to remember how the packaging looks different, or does it? I don't remember! I should take notes on it this time, like if they use a fancy envelope and if they mail my support material back. But it's kind of silly, because by the time you see the Canada Council package, you open it so you know right away.

My Mum calls my art career money Magic Beans. She says to me "Are you counting on Magic Beans again?" The sad part is it's true, they are magic beans! But sometimes I get money to make a big piece of art. And it's really nice. Or I get decent artist fees. But I will never be able to sell a video for a million dollars. At least, no one has offered to pay that much. Matthew Barney sells his videos for megabucks. How does he do it?

Whatever. I really want to make some more art soon. It's good for the soul. I start feeling all clogged up if I don't make art on a regular basis, it's worse than not crying. Ugh, artists block sucks.

I need to make some small videos. About what, I don't know. I have some really nice footage I have been collecting. But I don't know what to do with it. I made something that looked nice, but then I had issues with the software. And anyway, Final Cut Pro is releasing a new version that old files won't work on. Which is kinda cruddy if you ask me.

Alien technology I bet! And it surely won't work on my old computer. I need a new computer. A Macbook.

I just ate the best saskatoon pielette!

Good Times for Thirza in Berlin!

So I had an awesome time in Berlin. People liked the Queer Youth program I curated, and they really liked my videos at my retrospective. I spent time with lots of friends drinking lots of german beer and hanging out at the festival and then going to museums and out for coffees and beers and dinners with all kinds of people I know there. And I didn't misplace my passport and I made my flights home, except for the one from Toronto to Saskatoon. And I was pretty wiped from travelling all day already and nearly burst into tears after missing my flight because of having to pick up my bag at customs and not being able to find where it goes and having to wait in line to drop it off and then the security person went through all my stuff looking for a pocketknife which turned out to be a wrist restraint. I was kind of wondering if that was a good or bad idea to put in there. But the next flight to Saskatoon was only 3 hours later.

I want to go back! There is a place in Hamburg which offered me a residency, and that is fairly close to Berlin. Soooo, I am thinking about it. It might be nice to go there when I have to do all this editing on my next project. Like just work on it here and finish it over there. Hmmmm. I am thinking about it anyway.

I can see why so many Canadians I know keep going to Berlin, it is kind of addictive.

I have lots of stories from there that I am not going to tell on my blog, because they are kind of personal in a way I generally don't share on my blog. But I have some pretty sweet memories now! :D

So what else? KLM food is kinda gross. These other Canadians coming home from Kenya were asking "What does KLM mean? Did they just pick three letters in the alphabet?" They asked the stewardess who said some complicated thing in dutch and then said it meant Royal Dutch Airlines. But the alcoholic drinks are free. I actually didn't drink booze at all on the way home, and I could hardly sleep because those chairs pinch my tailbone fat. I just watched the map showing us flying over the Atlantic ocean. We weren't close enough to Greenland to look at all those glaciers though. I think if I was on the other side of the plane I could have maybe seen part of Iceland.

They have little fridges in Berlin, like what North Americans would call a bar fridge. And they don't have dryers.

It is a little dodgy eating there if you don't know the good places because there seems to be a lot of bad food, not sick making food, just bad blah food. BUT my friends did take me to some good places, and the food at the festival was really good.

I am happy to be home with my Little Mister. I really missed him. But I knew he was okay, because he was still with the other two dogs and Beatrix Kitty and Mum.

I missed the opening night of the last Harry Potter because I was in Germany. I am going to see it tonight! Exciting! Yay! We are seeing it in an AVX Theatre. I have never been in one before. But I got to use only 500 scene points to get my ticket! Yay!