SUGAR! BRing me SUGAr!

It's a Thursday morn and yesterday I got a big artist fee, so I bought myself a new iPod! I'm super stoked about it, as you may remember if you were an old reader of my blog that I used to have an iPod and it died about the same time I went crazy roughly. I tried to ressurect it and then gave up and had it recycled at Neural Net. Anyway, that iPod was a mini and had about 4 GB which I thought was plenty. But now my new one has 80GB, and that was the smaller one! You can get 160GB iPods now. Crazy! To give you a sense of how big that is, my computer's original hard drive was 80 GB.

Plus this one has a full colour screen. My last one just had a grey and black LCD screen.

Anyway, I don't usually get up this early, but my dog decided at an ungodly hour to lick my face over and over until I got up and let him go pee.

Today I go to work and put in my two week notice. TWO WEEKS LEFT OF WORK!

My direct deposit form is on it's way to Canada Council so I can get my money, and that is exciting. I can't wait!

This afternoon I have an appointment with my psych nurse, and I am paying my phone bill finally finally. I'll have phone and internet at home again!!!

Aside from all that, well I was going to say nothing is going on but that's not true. I'm hopefully going for coffee with someone from the psych ward, and that will be fun. She's not there anymore though, I mean I met her in a psych ward and she was a really good friend in there, so I'm looking forward to it.

Life

My life is going well, the meds I am on are working even better than before I got sick when I was on the other medication. I'm happy about that. I've been working full time in a call centre doing surveys on this, that, and the other confidential thing. I don't mind it, as a job it's quite nice and I've even made a friend at work who I've gone out with a couple times. Last night I watched the Oscars with my mom, I was happy to see Diablo Cody win for best original screenplay. Juno was a really good movie, and it was her first screenplay!

Right now I am helping mom with her posters for her classes.

Oh HEY! I just now got my grant results from the Canada Council! $33 000 to make a short documentary researching my homelands! I am so super excited! I get to buy an Ipod and a Leather jacket!!!!!!!!!

Life is tickety boo man! Now I can quit my job! I will go back to it once my grant has dried up, but that won't be for months and months.

One of my cousins had her first manic episode recently, she's getting out of the hospital this week. She was on my mind almost solidly for about a month. I realized a few things from it.

#1, Manic episodes are nothing to be ashamed of.
#2, Sometimes people do very funny/cute things while manic.
#3, They tend to have a similar theme (ie, finding God in everyday small things).

So yes, Life is good, and I'm glad I've hung on through my difficult recovery to get to here, because . . .

NOW I GET A NEW IPOD! And that makes life better and better and better and . . .

Quiet Life

I applied for twelve different jobs today, and with some luck I will get one of them. There's another call centre job, but it's actually full time and within walking distance. Hopefully if the other jobs don't pan out I can get it. I'm working part time now and need a full time job. I even applied for a job at the airport as a preboard screener officer, which would be kind of cool. And I applied for a job working with unions. It pays 700 a week!

Anyway, I also finally emailed the Canada Council to find out about my grant. I hope I will hear tomorrow. It would be nice if I got it.

Anyway, I am sleepy so I think I'm going to go to bed now. Life's quiet, but maybe that's good.

The Depression of a Writer between Projects.

I'm between projects, and it's depressing me. I don't know what to write about next, and my life is boring as a result. My writing is down to next to nil. I used to have interesting opinions, or something on my mind, but I have nothing in mind.

I don't know what to write about. And it's terrible! Oh woe to the writer with nothing to write about!

I did try to write about my life and the word dreary came up. Oh man!

I think I should concentrate on cleaning my apartment.

Thank God for Antidepressants

Today I bought my mom some lunch at her school's Cafeteria. She had just taken me to cash my work cheque. I'm waiting at home now for a friend to drop off something. Life's kind of okay. I'm glad I decided to wait one more year for grad school. I think I just need some time to get myself back together.

I think the reason it took me so long to recover from this episode was because I was grieving over the break up.

Anyway, my phone's been weirdly disconnected. People can still call and leave messages, and I can even hear the phone ring, but when I answer it's all dead air, and when I pick it up to make a call, more dead air. So I have to pay my phone bill.

I'm doing pretty okay though. I'm surviving at any rate.

A friend of mine committed suicide last spring, leaving behind her children. She hung herself. Her face was black in the coffin and they put a cloth over her throat. She was buried next to the church on her reserve. We went to the funeral. I was so shocked that she did that. I thought about the last time I talked to her, she had sounded okay. I guess that's the thing about suicide, it's always a shock.

I'm not suicidal anymore, but I was for a while after my episode. It was just this generalized black cloud hanging over me, whispering kill yourself, kill yourself. I got rid of it with antidepressants. Thank god for antidepressants.

My new task is to try and get three videos onto DVD for my CFC application. I'm somewhat excited for it, I really hope I get in. I am also STILL waiting to hear about my grant. I really hope I get it. I didn't get my smaller grant, which is okay. But this one, eeeee, I hope to get it, I really do.

I'm also on the waiting list for Co-Op Rainbow Housing, which rents out one bedroom places to people with disabilities and you can keep animals there. It's a year long waiting list, so hopefully I'll hear something in September.

Oh man!

It's January 11, and I still haven't heard about my grant. God am I ever nervous. I have two divergent futures based on this one grant, at least for the next year, and I really hope I get it because then I have an interesting future.

If not, oh lord, who knows what will happen to me. I need to find a full time job doing something I'm relatively good at. I don't know what.

I'm doing alright. Tomorrow night I am having Bouilliabase with my family. I don't know if I spelled it correctly. Oh well. I went with mum to get the fish bits at Charlies today.

I like going into the fish store, though I'm not too much into seafood. I like looking at all the different things. Lobsters, shrimps, octopus, frog legs, clams, etc. In Vancouver you could also look at the Geoducks. Pronounced, GooeyDucks, these weird clam things have huge penis like protuberances. Always entertaining.

Once I saw a slug eat icing off a birthday cup cake. Lynn had made them, and it was summer and we were out in the back porch in a DTES house. And it was night time, perfect slug weather.

One time I got a slug caught in my sandal as I was walking home in the dark with Lynn. EW! Slugs plus bare feet equals not nice.

Sugar, bring me sugar!

So anyway, I hope the more interesting option happens for my life, because I don't want to spend my time doing work for other people. I don't mind it, but it would be nice to be able to make some work for a while. I feel like I've been working for so long.

I should figure out some way to turn my screenplay into support material. I don't know how that would work.

I'm so bored lately. I need a new distraction. I need a new interest. Something exciting and wonderful has to happen soon.

Plus I have to get my CFC application in on the 28th. I need to get some reference letters and so on. And I have to put three videos onto a DVD. Oh man!

La la la

I'm applying for a new job as a screenprinter. I think it would be fun. I don't know why I think that but I do.

Life's going alright for me right now. I've made a resolution to treat myself better, ie doing laundry more often and so on. Mom used to keep telling me that unwashed clothes were a sign of mental illness. I guess I was depressed. I didn't have much energy. Now I'm a bit more alert. My creativity is down though. I need a project to work on to keep happy.

So far all my writing is on this blog, and I haven't blogged much lately.

I am finally starting to get over my last big love. I doubt I'll meet anyone this year though. And I really do need a new crush. On who, I don't know. Someone sexy and funny and slightly mysterious. Someone who'd be able to hang on through a manic episode.

It still makes me sad how my last affair ended. How depressing, to have a cruddy health problem cause such mayhem and destruction. It truly was the most catastrophic of all endings. So shitty. Blerg!

Anyway, I'm hoping I get this new job because I would dearly love to do something other than work in a call centre. I've just done that kind of work for so long. Screenprinting would be a good change. And I'd feel mildly more creative than I do now.

poops!

I still haven't heard about my grant and I'm nervous. It's 2008. Welcome 2008.

Mom found out today she didn't get her grant. Pretty sad.

I'm hoping this year I'll stop feeling sad about the breakup. It's been pretty hard on my recovery process.

I'm also quitting smoking for the upteenth time.

I had a quiet new years. I was at Divas briefly and then I went to mom's and rang in the new year with her. And I pretty much stayed at her house until now.

Tonight's my last night to hang out with Deanna Banana.

I found out Shrooms don't work on me! I tried them over Christmas and nothing happened while my cuz got ripped.

Must be the medication.

I really do miss that special girl I hung out with last year. She was amazing in all the right ways. And we had this special vampire fetish going on between us. I'd never gotten that close to thinking of bloodplay as being particularily sexy. Usually I'm a needles girl, but if she'd wanted to cut me I would have been all over it.

I don't do intravenous drugs though, not those kinds of needles.

I'm sleepy and today is my first day back at work. Only four hours and then I hang out with No Ass D.

Otherwise known as Deanna Banana.

She got the name after we sat down on a snowy stoop and I was the only one to leave an ass Print. We were both high on life. and she got the name, No Ass D. Which is funny because she really does have no ass, her pants are always falling down showing ass crack.

I HOPE 2008 is a better year.

Oh, I also decided to put off applying to grad school for one more year. I don't think I'm ready yet for grad school, and I want to stay in Saskatoon a little bit longer.

Yesterday Mister tried to bring a poop in the house, he was carryin it in his mouth! It made me think twice about letting him lick my face.

Thinking

This Christmas I got the stupidest present ever.

My sister gave me three fake pears. And that was it. What the hell?

I gave her bath bombs, that's way better than a fake pear.

Tomorrow night is the big tobogganing party.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the terrible crazy break up and heart break.

It was with my first true love too, which made everything way more intense. Plus I haven't had strong feelings for someone in a long time.

And she also happened to be an exceptional kisser.

When she kissed me the whole world fell away. It was just that kind of a kiss. And she was just amazing, totally smart, funny, kinda morbid in a cool way. I really did have serious hopes about her. We just fit really well together.

I miss her. I would've married her.

So Thirza's Back

I had an excellent conversation with my friend Robin who said I was a hot butch and did I really think seriously about this and I dunno, I started talking about my doubts. Like, the breast thing, that nipple issue, it was enough to put me off. She was talking about how masculinity can live in a female body.

I guess that's what Shawna meant too, she told me about women who take on masculine pronouns but are still women. I'm not sure. Life's pretty confusing.

Besides, I kind of like being a girl. I don't know how to explain it. I love that I contradict myself over and over. Like, you would not believe how sexy this bra I'm wearing is.

I don't know what else to say about the gender switch, but I do like being a butch. I think there's something inherantly comfortable to me being butch. I just like it. I don't know why. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it, but I haven't been harrassed since I was in high school.

Of course, I lived in a big city for nine years.

The Vancouver Years. I miss them. I don't miss being hungry though.

So life is ticking along. It's almost Christmas. And it seems like September was only yesterday. I'm going tobogganing with my cousins at Diefenbaker Hill at night sometime soon.

I still miss the girl I went crazy on. Fuck I hate going crazy. Oh well. Heart break happens.

I think I'm finally getting over my depression. It's taken me a long time. I was so depressed. Oh my god. It was agony. But now I'm doing way better.

Grad Skool, Residencies

It's been hard recovering, but it's been harder to try and put some meaning on my life. Feeling that life is meaningless leads to depression, and suicidal thoughts. I know I have potential, but I don't feel like I have been living up to it.

Of course I've also applied for two grants, but I haven't heard back if I have gotten them or not yet.

Anyway, I needed to give myself some new goals. So now, besides applying to CFC's Directors Lab, I'm also applying to UBC and York to do my MFA. And I've decided that I have to apply for two residencies as well, one in Canada and one abroad, or in the US. SO THAT"S MY NEW GOAL1

Goals are important to have I think. I'm generally unhappy with my current lot in life, I have no girlfriend, I'm bummed out. I need a change. My life needs something drastically different. So grad school, residencies, yeah, that's about right.

It's been a year now since I saw UFO's, two of them, in an event that scared the living shit out of me. Life is pretty boring right now. I never saw them again. And now I'm just recovering from recovery. I started a part time job doing phones. I swore I would never do phones again, but I don't mind the work and I'm good at it.

Things in my life are pretty quiet.

missing

I haven't blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn't die. It's been a long time anyway.

I've gotten stuck in a rut. I don't know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it's own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that's the most they can hope for and it's the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There's this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I'm still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom's every day. But then I've always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I'm depressed because I haven't been writing. Mostly I've been thinking, about this new journey I'm on to become a man. Life's weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I've been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother's house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that's my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I'll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I'll be so relieved, then I'll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I'm not even mildly interested in anything. I'm totally stuck. And I'm not sure how to improve my life because I'm not sure what it is I'm missing. It's like I've zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It's gross. But I know I'm just missing something in my life.

Post Mania

Mania sucks ass. If you don't believe me, ask any bipolar person. It's embarrassing, like having a big mental shit all over the place. I'm so glad it is over.

I'm still looking for places to live. I saw one really nice apartment and put my name in, haven't heard back yet. I hope I get it though, it's just scuzzy enough to fit my tastes. I mean old, it's in a really old building, which are the kinds of buildings I prefer.

What is it about an old building? I used to think I wouldn't like them because of ghosts. But in truth, I've never had a ghost issue while I've lived in an old building. I did once have a poltergeist issue with a roommate of mine, she just always attracted that kind of energy. And I saw stuff move around while she was abouts, which was always kind of creepy. Not to disparage her, she's pretty cool, but poltergeists, ai ai ai! Messy rude things.

Enough about ghosts, how am I?

Well, I'm still getting better in increments. I'm still excited and waiting to get on hormones. I'm not sure when it will happen, it seems to involve a lot of waiting time to see people, beyond when I'm finally officially stabilized in the eyes of my doctor. I think she's waiting for me to be less depressed, which is slowly abating. In truth I don't think I'm depressed so much as bored. Not working has been boring. Tomorrow I start at this psych rehab place for eight weeks, I think it's a lot of group activities and so on, but I'll be getting out with other people which is good. I have also started applying for jobs again, although my EI doesn't run out for nine months. But I think I'd rather be out in the world than stuck at home on EI.

Cause you're always putting me down . . .

That's from a Cranberries song line. I like it, because it's so generalized. You're ALWAYS putting me down. ALWAYS. Without fail.

Anyway, I am working on a grant right now to make a short film based on a short piece of prose I once wrote about vampires, it will probably only be a three minute film. Film! I'm going to shoot it on a bolex and edit on a steenbeck. It should be ridiculously fun to make. I haven't touched celluloid in quite a while!

I just deleted my maniac blog, which made me feel really happy. I hate havin to delete blogs, but this is the second maniac blog I've deleted in my life. I sense a pattern. And that makes this, I guess, my post maniac blog, which is what Fit of Pique was for so long.

I'm kinda proud of fit of pique, and I kind of miss it, but I'm glad to be moving into a different territory. This one I'm assuming will be about trying to get Bunnyhug made, and making different shorts, and stuff like that. I'm working on a short and a longer project. The longer project is about coming out as trans and so on. I'm hoping it turns out well.

I have an apartment to look at tomorrow, which is exciting because I really really really want to move. It's a studio apartment and I can have my cat there, which is also good. I'm waiting to live with my dog again for when I move into this rainbow co-op housing. I dunno what else to say in this blog. I'm still getting better by increments. I was kind of down this morning, but I'm quitting smoking, so that could be it. Because I'm always putting me down . . . Actually I got a budget done for one of my projects, so I am happy about that.

Boredom.

I found out that I am not getting that place in October or November, I guess the guys living there decided to stay. Unfortunately there is a housing crisis here in Saskatoon, which means things are a little lean on the home front. My mom's going to be keeping my dog until I get into a housing co-op, which has a waiting list of about a year. I feel bad for having to leave my dog behind, but he's pretty happy here, and I'll visit him all the time.

I finally wrote my final report for Canada Council for my screenplay, now all I have to do is throw it in the mail. yay! That means I'll be able to write my next grant, for XX Marks The Spot, a look at gender and the genome, and my homelands.

Aside from that I am just struggling with a mild depression. I am wondering if people can die from boredom. According to the sign at the bin, boredom is a choice. Who would choose it though?

Here in Banff

Well I'm here in Banff for the Interactive Screen 0.7. Last night someone got accidentally hit in the head with a video projector. All I can say is dude, that totally sucks! I'd feel so guilty if I accidentally hit someone in the head with a large heavy object like that. The projector was okay but he still has a headache and some neck pain.

I'm working on my dangerous bird project, I've been having issues with it, but I think it finally makes some sense now. It's not so complicated as I thought it would be. I want to go take some pictures out at Cranberry Flats when I get back to town.

I'm thinking I want to go see the St. Louis Ghost Train when I get back too. I don't know when. But I went last summer and was disappointed, so I want to go again and see if it makes any sense this time. Anyway, yeah.

My transitioning is weird, I am supposed to wait for myself to stabilize, but I feel pretty stable right now. Hmm. Recovering from a manic episode sucks ass man. I'm glad the rough parts of it are over though.

Anyway, I think I might deek into the dining hall and eat early, so that's where I'm headed now.

Having the time of your life . . .

Stoned love . . . I'm supposed to quit pot, but I don't wanna. I guess it's my one weak spot in the armour, but I can't help it. Everyone needs at least one vice in order to be a fully rounded member of society in my view. Unfortunately I also have the vice of smoking, which is an unruly, expensive, smelly habit, with little to no redeeming value. I had quit for a number of months until I ended up back in the bin.

I don't know how to describe smoking and being in the bin. I think it's really difficult to quit in that kind of situation, because it's often the only socially acceptable behaviour that everyone can agree on. Plus at the bin I was in, it was the only excuse to leave the ward and go stand by the river in nearly idyllic surroundings. You would not believe the number of smokers in the bin.

But the nice part about smoking is that it was a chance to bond with fellow patients. Leaving the judgemental gaze of the nurses was nice, and people could swap tips on how to get out quicker.

I got released MOSTLY because I was ready to be released, but also partially because there was a looming strike vote among the social workers and pharmacists, and they needed people out as quick as possible. For a brief time, the only requirements for release was that you had somewhere to sleep. I remember one fellow patient telling me "I prayed to God so hard that they would strike!" They didn't strike, but they did go from having 30 beds to having 10, and that was extreme. Luckily I was ready to leave.

Recovery from a manic episode takes a long damn time though. I keep feeling better with each week that passes, but it's hard. I do notice a difference though, as time slowly ticks by I have more energy, slightly more optimism. I don't know how to explain the humiliation that happens after each episode abates, but it's crushing. Luckily for the most part I can forget it, except that I ruined an awfully lovely relationship of sorts with an awfully lovely person, and that it probably what still haunts me today. I don't know how to get over that.

Don't bogart that joint my friend . . .

Encounters with the Unknown

it's a nice calm Sunday morning. I'm drinking coffee and reading Facebook. I don't know why I get addicted to these sites except that it's nice reading about my friends. I've decided to apply for the directors lab at the Canadian Film Centre in Toronto. I think I need a chance to work on my directorial skills. Sometimes I'm not too sure about them, but I know if I got more training I would have it down pat. So far I've only directed my friends and myself, so a little more work on my skills would be good.

In less than a week I'll be at Banff, working on a new project, Dangerous Bird. It's kind of a funny ode to the war on terror, with a cryptozoology twist.

I've been seriously considering joining a local ghost hunting group, on the paranormal end of things. I've been wanting to join one for ages. All I know about ghost hunting I learned from Yvette Fielding! Seriously though, I've had way too many encounters with the unknown to dismiss ghosts. I think poltergeists are the scariest ones I've run into. They are so crabby. Anyway, it would also be a good chance for me to meet more people in this town, which is something I need to do. I'm glad to notice I'm steadily expanding my repetoire of friends here in Saskatoon. I really didn't have too many before.

Transitioning to a guy is a funny process. So far it's been getting people used to my new name, the pronouns are taking a while to come to people's lips though. I'm doing good but I'll be glad when the FTM group starts again. I need to have some support in this. I dunno. It's good to have support groups for this kind of stuff. I'm excited about starting hormones although I don't know when it will happen. Sometime in the next year I guess. It's irritating having to wait, but I'm glad I'll be stabilized when it starts. I have no idea how moody I'll get. But that one shot I had didn't make me feel like, ragey or moody or anything. In fact, I felt perfectly normal.

Maybe that's how my transition will be. Just normal. I hope so. Testosterone: An Encounter With the Unknown.