Thursday, January 15, 2009
I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN'T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don't make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don't think about very much when I'm sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I'm trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren't named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it's still embarrassing. I'd like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It's been a year now that I've been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It's kind of amazing. I've NEVER been stable for this long. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I'm not sure. I've never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It's a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I'd known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven't even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I've since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you're In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I'm embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I've also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It's like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I've done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It's still there, even though I've been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it's mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I've never been on a drug that's given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It's so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one's friendships and relationships and so on, it's shameful. I wish it wasn't.