Sunday, May 24, 2009

Death, Smoking, And Sex

One time I was watching a newscast about pizza in Italy with my friend/babysitter Jasmine Turner. I remember a reporter asked this Italian kid who invented pizza. He said "the Americans!" and got the back of his head slapped by a passing lady. Jasmine cracked up, so did I, it was so funny.
Jasmine is dead now, she committed suicide almost two years ago. The last time I talked to her I was still coming down from the crazies. I miss her everyday. I think she is in a better place, away from users and abusers. But I still wish she was here, and I know her children who are in foster care have been cheated out of getting to know their mom as adults. That is really hard.
I am lucky to have survived suicidal nights. I remember a few nights when I came so close to doing it, so much emotional suffering and bleakness. It's like you can't see the future. It's so rank.
I haven't been depressed in a very long time now, almost two years. Although I have been a little sad lately.
I think I know why. I have quit smoking. It has been ten days since my last smoke and I'm doing well, doing the patch everyday and enjoying being able to smell the spring air and not smelling like a yuckster AND not tasting foulness. I can actually taste good food again! It's been quite liberating, but I notice I still have morning cravings if I forget to put my patch on.
But I miss smoking, I miss how it was always there for me. This idea (which I know is wrong) that I can relax with a smoke. That I can start the day with a smoke. It's so addictive, and they say it's harder to quit than heroin or cocaine!
I've been getting some good support about quitting, but the sadness comes in waves, especially when I realize I can't EVER smoke again, because I will just get hooked again.
Which makes me think about my old addiction to meth, a very very long time ago, and back to Jasmine, who was the one who told my mum about it and tried to get me to stop. That wasn't what made me stop. I was talking about it with a friend I met on the beach in Vancouver. I had just come off a binge and was dumped by Ivana, my best girlfriend. I was depressed and in danger of becoming dependent on meth. My friend must have noticed this because he then told me ALL about his addiction to meth and how he beat it, all these things it did to his body. I will always remember that talk on the beach. I never smoked it again.
Life is strange, so many things come and go, and death is an ever present force. I have lately lost some faith in what happens after death. I used to be so certain of an afterlife, and now I am not so sure. I haven't seen or heard from Jasmine again, except in a dream. I also dreamt of another friend who has died, Carla Marie Powers. I dreamt she had a girlfriend on the other side!
I often worry about whether or not there will be sex on the other side. I've heard various opinions, some people say it's a physical thing and then other people say it's a spiritual thing so who knows???
The one thing I am looking forward to because of quitting smoking is that my dating options will widen to people seeking a non smoker. Hurrah! I am now officially a nonsmoker!
Well enough silly rambling. I will write more when I have something else I am thinking of.
Oh, and by the way Dr Saffy had her baby, a girl!

1 comment:

smith said...

Considering the long term benefits of smoking cessation such as low risk of succumbing to cancer, a significant reduction in mental stress, odorless breath et al, it is definitely necessary for you to start your quit smoking regimen as soon as possible. However, during the first few weeks, it may appear extremely difficult to get rid of this addiction, but as you consistently try to quit smoking for a certain period of time, your smoking cessation efforts would yield results.