Continuing Progress

Today is day 12. Almost two weeks clean! I am finally getting some real time from the last time I smoked up. I have had some dreams that are pretty vivid, but not a LOT of dreams. My mom noticed my teeth have gotten significantly whiter. Today I did some work on my contract and registered for a gst number for my business and went to the gym. I chickened out from doing a full 20 minutes on the elliptical though. On Saturday I went to the gym with some girls and did 20 minutes, and it was really good, but I just wasn't able to go that far today.

I had a short craving today for weed when I looked wistfully at the place I used to stand and smoke, but I shook it off and told myself I don't smoke anymore, and that satisfied me enough that I didn't think about it again.

I am keeping myself really busy, and that has helped a lot. Going to the gym, doing work related stuff, reading about marijuana addiction online, running errands, keeping myself clean, I haven't knit in a while but I plan to do more of that too.

I got 15 dollars worth of change the other day and I traded it with my mom and cousin for 3 five dollar bills. In the past I would have searched out someone who would sell me a piddly 15 dollars worth of weed, but that's history. I didn't need smokes either since I haven't smoked since December 6th. So I still have fifteen dollars in my purse. I don't know what I will spend it on. I don't feel like buying beer. I do have things I need to get, but they require more than 15 dollars, so until then it is just this small amount of disposable income I have. I might stick it in a jar and save it for something. Or I could buy an iTunes card, which actually makes some sense, considering I have a new computer and need some tunes on it.

I know there are things I have to develop now that I am committing to a weed-free lifestyle. Going to the gym has been really nice, it is getting me in touch with my body. Actually, if I just had 15 more dollars I could pay for someone at a leisure centre to introduce me to the weight room and working out with weights, which is good for sculpting your body. And I have noticed a slight change in my muscle definition in my upper arms from doing the elliptical. It's something I wanted to learn.

I'm not feeling trapped in terrible thoughts like I was when I used. Sometimes I would just start thinking about all kinds of negative things and get stuck there when I was stoned. Being stoned doesn't always mean being happy, actually in the end I got depressed when I used.

I hear working out is really good when you are detoxing from marijuana, and for me that has proven to be true. I like the endorphins I get, and it has really kept down the cravings.

I have finally found some good websites to read while I do this. The University of Notre Dame has a really good webpage for the first 30 days clean, you are supposed to read one page every day and it gives you advice. I found it on day 8, but I bookmarked it and have been visiting it diligently everyday since.

It seems like a lot has changed in the last couple of months. And to think it all started with quitting smoking. It's pretty amazing. I really hope things stay good, that I stay quit and clean and go to the gym on a regular basis and continue to knit and build up my work ethic again. I used to have an awesome work ethic. It piddled out in 2003 when I had my episode and was super chronic. I've got to get it back. I think it is coming back, I like the work I am doing now, my business is something I am passionate about and I know I am lucky because not many people get to do what they love for a living.

My big love did write back. She said she didn't think us seeing each other was a good idea yet, and I actually had to agree. I feel like I need to work on myself a bit more before I can see her. But I was happy she said yet, because that means there might be a time in the future when it will be a good idea for us to hang out. And she does mean a lot to me.