Sunday, January 22, 2012

Germans and their Cougar Labia

I've been trying to get shit done. Getter done! I just finished my audio for my super 8 film and emailed it to the festival that currently has the reel for it. I hope it works out. We will see. I also sent off a question to the sales support folks at my webhost. I didn't get an invoice for another year of service and so I don't know if they will cut me off in a couple days or if they are letting me have another year without paying. I don't know! I also have to sort out this trip to Germany and this trip to Australia because suddenly the dates are really close and I think it's a little fucked up because I can't be two places at once. I really need to spend the whole month in Hamburg and when I made plans for the residency it was when I thought the trip to Australia was in April. Now it's at the same time. SHIT! Something has to change!

So that's up. And I also have to do some work related things like continue to work on my website for my company and get these business cards to the printer and then drop off the finished cards at various places about town. I also have to get my laptop and blah de blah, download the new Final Cut Pro which EVERYBODY hates because it's so different. But Avid Media Composer costs about as much as the laptop, which is WAY out of my current price range.

Sigh. WEIRD! I feel stoned and I haven't smoked up! Maybe it's residual THC in my body coming out to say hello. I talked with someone this weekend who has abstained for almost a year and she said you feel stoned every so often when it is breaking down in your body, cause it is stored in fat. Weird!

I didn't smoke up all weekend. I haven't smoked up since I quit on Wednesday. I'm feeling fairly determined to really hold onto my sobriety. I'm still drinking, probably indulged too much this weekend. But I didn't drink today and I won't for a few days. I'm feeling positive about the whole letting go of weed thing. It's taken me a long time to get to this feeling. I'm liking the clearness I have and the energy and the getting things done stuff. I am not missing it yet. I was going to be clean for a minimum of six weeks, but after talking to someone this weekend I am thinking maybe a year clean would let me understand more fully what life without it could be like. Saying I will quit forever scares me a little, not as much as it used to but I don't want to say forever just yet. Even in the 12 step programs they tell you to concentrate on being sober today and not worrying about the future.

I went to Regina this weekend for my Dad's opening and the Queer City Performatorium. Queer Performance Art! I really liked all the artwork I engaged with this weekend, and I liked seeing people I don't get to see often. I even liked the bus ride down there and back, I just listened to my tunes and looked out the window at the world going by.

It was pretty awesome. And I ended up only passing by people smoking up once, and didn't feel like I should linger and get a puff. I didn't really care.

I haven't smoked a cigarette for six weeks and five days! :D This is really exciting, almost three weeks longer than my last quit. Not as long as the six months I once did without smoking, but pretty good. It feels real now, like I can really do it and am doing it and will never smoke another cigarette again! And my self esteem is so much better. SO MUCH BETTER! I feel like I am not being so stupid as to put myself at risk of dying painfully and slowly.

I go to see my psych nurse on Tuesday. I know she'll be happy to hear about my quitting weed, she's been fussing about my using for years. And now I won't have to hear about how I have to quit, which is good. She can nag pretty good. And my Mom is way happier that I am not using. She will probably find other things to pick at me about, but there is one less thing to fuss about.

And I am also happy that I don't have to go outside in the terrible cold and feel embarrassed that I am spreading a skunky smell all over the neighborhood.

I hope my cheque comes tomorrow. I really want to get my laptop. I would be so relieved to have a functioning computer that is all mine.

So life is good. I am good. I am getting clean and letting my psyche be healed by the passage of time. I am still curious about getting to an online Marijuana Anonymous meeting, but the timing hasn't worked out yet, and I couldn't do it while I was in Regina.

I want to get the workbook for the secular sobriety folks, I think I would feel more comfortable working out my issues with that. I know I have to make some other changes to my life because using for 14 years has impacted how I think and behave I am sure. I can stop being sneaky, which is nice, cause I hate being sneaky even though I know all the spots in Saskatoon and Vancouver where you can smoke up and not get caught. I don't have to worry about getting into legal trouble, which is nice. Although if people snoop around on me before hiring me and find out I used to smoke drugs, they might be less inclined to give me a job. But would I want to work for that kind of an asshole anyway? I don't think so. And there are lots of other reasons people wouldn't hire me, like being a queer native woman with a bachelors degree. And having pink hair currently.

Sigh. I did find out someone will give me some work when they have funding. But who knows when that will be.

I didn't exercise all weekend. I missed it. I really want to get to the field house tomorrow and hop on the elliptical.

Someone found my blog by googling Cougar Labia. Someone from Germany. Ha ha ha!

1 comment:

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