Waiting is terrible!

I am so horribly broke right now. I need to find some receipts and turn them in for some money back. But where did I put them? They are in the house for sure SOMEWHERE! I will find them, I WILL!

Anyway. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to get an artist fee. Where's that? I bet I made 35 bucks!

Which is still more than I have right now.

And I am waiting, totally nervous, for the results of my grant. I am trying to remember how the packaging looks different, or does it? I don't remember! I should take notes on it this time, like if they use a fancy envelope and if they mail my support material back. But it's kind of silly, because by the time you see the Canada Council package, you open it so you know right away.

My Mum calls my art career money Magic Beans. She says to me "Are you counting on Magic Beans again?" The sad part is it's true, they are magic beans! But sometimes I get money to make a big piece of art. And it's really nice. Or I get decent artist fees. But I will never be able to sell a video for a million dollars. At least, no one has offered to pay that much. Matthew Barney sells his videos for megabucks. How does he do it?

Whatever. I really want to make some more art soon. It's good for the soul. I start feeling all clogged up if I don't make art on a regular basis, it's worse than not crying. Ugh, artists block sucks.

I need to make some small videos. About what, I don't know. I have some really nice footage I have been collecting. But I don't know what to do with it. I made something that looked nice, but then I had issues with the software. And anyway, Final Cut Pro is releasing a new version that old files won't work on. Which is kinda cruddy if you ask me.

Alien technology I bet! And it surely won't work on my old computer. I need a new computer. A Macbook.

I just ate the best saskatoon pielette!

Good Times for Thirza in Berlin!

So I had an awesome time in Berlin. People liked the Queer Youth program I curated, and they really liked my videos at my retrospective. I spent time with lots of friends drinking lots of german beer and hanging out at the festival and then going to museums and out for coffees and beers and dinners with all kinds of people I know there. And I didn't misplace my passport and I made my flights home, except for the one from Toronto to Saskatoon. And I was pretty wiped from travelling all day already and nearly burst into tears after missing my flight because of having to pick up my bag at customs and not being able to find where it goes and having to wait in line to drop it off and then the security person went through all my stuff looking for a pocketknife which turned out to be a wrist restraint. I was kind of wondering if that was a good or bad idea to put in there. But the next flight to Saskatoon was only 3 hours later.

I want to go back! There is a place in Hamburg which offered me a residency, and that is fairly close to Berlin. Soooo, I am thinking about it. It might be nice to go there when I have to do all this editing on my next project. Like just work on it here and finish it over there. Hmmmm. I am thinking about it anyway.

I can see why so many Canadians I know keep going to Berlin, it is kind of addictive.

I have lots of stories from there that I am not going to tell on my blog, because they are kind of personal in a way I generally don't share on my blog. But I have some pretty sweet memories now! :D

So what else? KLM food is kinda gross. These other Canadians coming home from Kenya were asking "What does KLM mean? Did they just pick three letters in the alphabet?" They asked the stewardess who said some complicated thing in dutch and then said it meant Royal Dutch Airlines. But the alcoholic drinks are free. I actually didn't drink booze at all on the way home, and I could hardly sleep because those chairs pinch my tailbone fat. I just watched the map showing us flying over the Atlantic ocean. We weren't close enough to Greenland to look at all those glaciers though. I think if I was on the other side of the plane I could have maybe seen part of Iceland.

They have little fridges in Berlin, like what North Americans would call a bar fridge. And they don't have dryers.

It is a little dodgy eating there if you don't know the good places because there seems to be a lot of bad food, not sick making food, just bad blah food. BUT my friends did take me to some good places, and the food at the festival was really good.

I am happy to be home with my Little Mister. I really missed him. But I knew he was okay, because he was still with the other two dogs and Beatrix Kitty and Mum.

I missed the opening night of the last Harry Potter because I was in Germany. I am going to see it tonight! Exciting! Yay! We are seeing it in an AVX Theatre. I have never been in one before. But I got to use only 500 scene points to get my ticket! Yay!

Queen of the Last Minute

I got my plane ticket, today, and it was only 100 bucks more than I had planned on paying. I was so freaked out, I hate leaving things to the last minute. I am leaving for Berlin next Wednesday for a festival and then my retrospective the next weekend. I am pretty excited, and nervous, and generally wigged out. There are some folks out there I am stoked about seeing and the beer is so cheap. I think that part is a trap. The beer part. They are giant beers too so I can't count them very well since they are bigger than in Canada.

Almost as big as a Fin Du Monde.

I have to get some more stuff ready before I go, but now that I have a plane ticket I feel a lot less anxious. I hate checking fares everyday and watching them climb up and up and up.

I tried to go with Air Canada but it would have been 2500 bucks! WTF? That's like going to Australia!

I am going to Australia in the next year. I am nervous about that too, because if I am going that far for a show I should really spend at least two weeks travelling about down there. And it is a pretty big country. I will probably stick to the southern coast. I want to see penguins in the wild. And Kangaroos. And all the toads.

And I am also worried about getting homesick, and forgetting to take my meds and going slightly manic or depressed. It's a lot to be worried about. But I shouldn't worry. It's all going to be great and I am going to have so much fun. I won't even miss my plane this time. I will be okay. I think I am going to pick up some melatonin for the jet lag and see if it works as well as my shrink says.

My psychiatrist doesn't need to see me very often anymore. Surprisingly the last time I saw her was in February! That's a long time ago! And I didn't really need to see her until now either.

I have to remember to pick up all my prescriptions, including my next pack of period control pills.

It's Canada Day tomorrow and I am drinking a Japanese beer. Shameful. Tomorrow Mom and I are going to Earls and eating and drinking big Hoegardens, which isn't very Canadian either.

I was trying to find someone to hang out with tonight, but I couldn't, so I walked to the liquor store and bought myself three Sapporos. Today was my sisters birthday so we had pizza with Grandma and Grandpa. She is spending the night, which is nice. Especially when she winds down and just wants to lay on the couch. After all the interesting food is gone.

The dogs ate her Marshmallows and because I am a Queen of the Last Minute I wasn't prepared with an alternate present than marshmallows. But I think she doesn't care.

Fly me to Mars, por favor!

The other day this white dude kept talking to someone in a car ahead of us which sat while the light was green. And just when he would start walking away he would come back to the car and open the door to say something else and I got so mad I said "Fucken' White Privilege!" Because it seems to be white men who take up space and impede traffic while they are going about their lives in the world. And by the time the stupid car ahead of us moved the light changed and we had to wait again. Oh I was so mad!

Sometimes I get really really angry and sweary and it always surprises people. I'm not usually confrontational, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Especially men's bullshit. I think it's because I am a dyke. I don't hate men, I just hate misogynist men and that sort of thing. Inappropriate behaviours. I don't like inappropriate behaviours from anyone though, not just men. But I am never going to try and impress a man in my life, so I feel like I'm less inclined to let crap slide.

I used to have this great angry mix tape when I was a young punk dyke stomping along the Vancouver streets in the late 90's. It had Red Football on it and Shove and some other great songs to be angry to. I had this plan, and the tape was part of it, that I was going to approach KTel to do a Kubler-Ross type series of getting over a break up mix tapes. There would be the denial album, with songs about one last chance and that sort of thing. Then there would be the angry album, and then the bargaining album, the depression album, and the acceptance album. See, that would have been an awesome set to do, and I know it would have helped millions, or however many people used to buy from KTel anyway. I should really do a break up series of playlists anyway, for future reference. Or just to keep around to burn to cd for friends. Friends having rough times.

I don't know if I still have one more break up to go through before I find, The One!

I might.

I saw this now famous psychic way back in 2007 and a lot of the things she said came true. I found her by googling "psychic police saskatoon" because I wanted a psychic who had worked with the cops before. Not because I have any unsolved crimes I want answers to in my life, but because I thought she would be more accurate. And she was! She doesn't use crystals or tarot cards or palm reading. She sits down with you and just starts talking. She doesn't even ask any questions, and already she knows so much! She does telephone readings too. Her rates have gone up. I want to see her again because I feel like I am without direction a bit, but she is now 150 bucks! And before she was 80!

She didn't tell me about my oncoming manic episode though. She can only tell you what the spirits tell her, and if they don't want to say anything then she can't make them, obviously.

Actually there is this one funny thing I saw when I was psychotic the last time. I was laying in bed with all the lights on with my body going through whatever the hell it goes through with that many crazy chemicals going haywire. And I could see my spirit guides. I assume that's what they were, they just looked like little people kneeling by the bed watching me like I was in the hospital, that's exactly what it felt like. And they were flickering in and out of view, these white people shaped little blobs, flickering flickering. I have always remembered it and felt kind of comforted by it. I kind of think there is a real spiritual component to going crazy just because you are in a precarious dangerous place when it happens and I think the spirits that look out for you in this life, or all lives, stick very close by.

It's weird to be "sick in the head" because all anyone sees is you acting out and they don't see that your dopamine and seratonin and other things are all flooding your neurons. It sucks. Although I do have a cousin who sees auras, and she can tell when a person is actively mentally ill because the part above their head is all different and weird. I forget how she described it. I always thought that was interesting, sometimes I wish other people could see the illness in some way. Other times I am glad it is invisible.

Anyway, at that time I was dating someone and she (my psychic to the stars) foresaw a bad break up (IT WAS! :( ) And then she said I would have another break up and then I would be with the one I would be with for the rest of my life. So I am curious. I had a romantic interest last year with some necking, but I can't say it was a real relationship so therefore I can't have had a break up. So Maybe there is still a break up in the future. ??? See, and this is why I want to see my psychic again, so she can tell me if I am going to be with the next one forever, in which case I should be picky! Ha ha!

I think my Mars video could propel me to be famouser. It has all the makings of a classic! I am going to have to do auditions this fall if I get funding. Hope hope hope hope!

By January I hope to be making a spaceship!!!! Fly me to Mars and get me the hell away from all this craziness!

Gimme Sympathy

Someone once told me I think too much. I do think a lot. Maybe that's why I like pot, because I don't think quite so much when I am stoned. I do think, but it doesn't hop all over the place like other times. I am sure I have multiple brain related disabilities going on and not simply bipolar disorder I. I'm fairly certain I have a touch of OCD, and I think I have some kind of Attention Deficit thing going on, and then there was my history of ocular migraines that made me blind. My doctor explained why I had that seizure when I was in Grade Two after I hit my funny bone on the table while reading The Far Side. It's just a response to intense pain. So I guess I'm not epileptic after all.

I like the Far Side.



Once my friend Annthea went to a talk/dinner with Jane Goodall. I asked if she took a picture of the famous pony tail. She didn't. I have a mild obsession with Jane Goodall's ponytail.

I am missing my cousins who are in BC!!! COUSHUNS! They are fun to hang out with and now they are away!

I have to get this blog into some kind of shape. It's like a collection of out of shape thoughts, most of them about addiction, but not honest enough to be a real diary of addiction. Go gritty or go home!

"So today I went out to the garage again because I'm not allowed to smoke inside or on the property and the neighbors from across the way stared at me."

And if I was seeing a drug counsellor she would say "And how did that make you feel?"

But it doesn't make me feel like much, except sometimes I wish I had my own place and could smoke weed in the living room.

With the curtains closed.

I'm not sure what will happen to me. I hope I don't end up destitute in a group home! That would suck.

There was this old woman who moved into the group home I was in from Hantleman and her husband said he just couldn't do it anymore. And one day it was her birthday and she got a cake and she made a wish to go back home. And I thought "Oh dear God, I do not want my old age to be spent like this!"

So sucky. And then the one who kept seeing Indians and Cows in the backyard.

She was cheerful, just out of it.

But who knows really, I mean, maybe someday it will be proven that crazy people are just accessing some kind of extrasensory perceptions and seeing into different realities and dimensions or something.

In which case I should really take more notes when I go crazy so that they may be written down in a book for all to read one day, when I am a properly revered bipolar prophet. There was that time I believed Louis Riel was a descendant of Jesus Christ. And then, well, but I also believed I was getting mugged by the Dalai Lama, so I was pretty confused. And then my poor special lady I had so many crazy beliefs about her. I believed she was abducted by aliens! And I also believed in Twoonie Tuesday supporting David Suzuki.

I still want to get a bunch of NDN's eating KFC in a parking lot. At Cranberry Flats. I don't know why.

I want something to happen with at least one of my crushes. Sigh!

My Life is an Open Blog

So whatever. I confess everything online eventually. I mean, well, not EVERYTHING though. It's all because I was interested in diaries anyone could read. Private thoughts in public space. But now I am 33 and still doing it. But whatever. It's just my thing. I wonder if I will ever be famous for blogging. It's taken up a lot of creative time and energy. I need to save a more recent copy too, I will do that after I am done writing this.

Strangely enough I have never gotten into Youtube videoing. Like making videos exclusively for Youtube. I find the comments so fuckin' rude! What the hell would I do getting that kind of homophobic critique?

Or just anti-Indian.

Anti-whatever part of my identity.

I sometimes miss being a little chubby post-psychosis punk in the Downtown Eastside. Once I made a phone call to my mom from Main and Hastings and some dude was smoking crack right next to me and she asked how I was and I said fine.

Because I was fine really, it wasn't SO bad, I had friends who looked out for me.

OH! I found out I got my travel grant to go to Berlin for my retrospective! Which is AWESOME! I am excited to see friends there and wander about and experience life there for a short time. I am going longer this time than the last time I went. I know most of my plane ticket will be taken care of, but now I have to do some last minute fundraising to get some more cash to go with, for food and stuff. I have saved some money and I will be getting paid soon. So I just need an emergency supply of cash in case something goes horribly awry, like last time when I lost my passport for a few hours. UGH!

I'm also going to wake up in time for my flights and I will have an iPad with me so I can use wireless in the airports and other places. And I will have a cellphone, but I don't know if it will be of any use in Germany since it's a Sasktel Pay as you go Phone. Maybe I could text? I'm not sure, but I will take it anyway.

Ooooh! I have these terrible mosquito bites on my dragon and it is itchy! I hate being itchy!

Oh shit, I have to run. I have to get my bank to fill out my direct deposit form. Fun fun fun! I will be in a long wet lineup.

Being crazy!!! Hate it!

I'm going to try and type on the iPad. Week! Wtf? Ok, anyway. I fell off the no smoking wagon, because I felt like I was going crazy and I didn't have, you know, an alternative. So I bought a pack. I am quitting again. I have an alternative now, so I am going to hopefully get healthy and kissable again. I know my alternative is still a vice, but it really does make me feel, hmm, I dunno, just calmer. I can be pretty hyperactive sometimes, especially when I am hypomanic. And spring/summer are kind of manic inducing, there is so much more light.

I am sad that there is no postal service at the moment. I was expecting some money mail. I don't know how much either, it could be 35 bucks for all I know.

Artists aren't properly compensated for their time. At least, I am not. Not hardly ever! I have gotten some decent money once in a while. All my videos have made back what was put into them, except the newest one. But I had a grant for that.

I don't know why I am writing today. I feel weird. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next year and it is kind of scary and also it is kind of where I was last summer. I wish I had some stability in my life. But then I think about when I accidentally got into a long term career of being a Sasktel Operator and freaked out because they were talking long range plans like when I would get four weeks holiday a year instead of three! And I panicked because I have this art practice that takes me away sometimes and sometimes I am working full time on my art and I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. And I made sweet coin too, it sucked having to give it up. Twenty bucks an hour is a liveable wage, I had never made so much before.

But also call centers, even operator services, is pretty rough, you have to have a thick skin. People are rude all the time. It made me think terrible things about humanity.

I just don't see why people have to be rude.

Whatever, I have put it behind me, I will never put a headset on my head again. I can't do it anymore.

I am kind of lonely these days, hate it, bleh. Even though there are people around me most of the time. I guess I am lonely for a deep meaningful connection with someone. I probably need a girlfriend, but I don't want to admit that I can't keep being single forever. Sometimes I forge these intense friendships with people that are totally platonic but make me feel like I have someone to confide in, and then they just drift off into space. And I am lonely again. It hurts.

Since my MEDS got changed I have been feeling more in touch with my feelings. Before they were just kind of numb. But now I feel those little sharp corners of sadness, when appropriate. It is kind of nice actually.

I don't know what I want to get out of life anymore. I feel like having bipolar disorder has made me worry that I won't get into a long term relationship because I am far too volatile. I mean, it's weird, a lot of my friends have never seen me when I was manic, or not noticed, or something. They seem to view me as always calm. And I don't know how they can see me that way when all I feel is this churning beneath the surface. I should really go see my psychiatrist again. And I think I need a counsellor, not just a psych nurse. Plus my psych nurse doesn't understand poly relationships and it makes it really awkward.

I should really just unload some stress by making a list of stuff to do and doing it. I mean my obligations. Just do it!

Tomorrow I am seeing my Dad, which will be nice.

Sometimes I just HATE BEING CRAZY!!!! It's an invisible disability and it sucks.

Sex sex sex sex!

Duh! I totally set this up so I could blog and then I went willy nilly all over internet land until I remembered! I was posting too much on facebook so sometimes when I have a touch of hypergraphia I use it up here. Well well well, what should I report?

OMG! I have a job! I am doing a street patroller job seven and a half hours a week picking up used needles in the inner city! I have my orientation on Tuesday! And I have to get some hepatitis shots and I got a criminal record check. I am not a criminal according to my record! Hurrah!

I got asked to dance at the Pride dance and got a phone number! I felt really awkward, I don't know what to do with women. I really am clueless. I have to remember to call her back because the last time I got this woman's number I forgot to call her and everyone got mad at me! I should call her. I wonder if it is too late now. So I guess I have two numbers really, but I kinda already fucked up with that previous one.

It's just that after spending years wanting to finally have a "real" relationship (read: monogamous) and only ending up in polyamourous relationships, now I really WANT to be poly but I don't want to crush some monogamous oriented woman's heart. And it's really silly because I don't even have one relationship, just some crushes I am hanging around with. But I don't want to have to pick one, I want them all! I am greedy!

Anyway, so getting picked up in bars or clubs makes me worry because I don't want to wake up the next morning in a relationship with someone I haven't gotten to know. And Lesbians move pretty fast into relationships sometimes. I dunno, I would just prefer getting to know women and making sure they are poly before having sex. Plus I now require safer sex supplies when I'm doing it and I stopped carrying around my emergency stash of condoms, dental dams, and gloves. And my gloves are six years old, I should really buy new ones. Black ones. That would be super sexy! Yeah, I am starting to realize that there is some sexual potential in my life and I really should be better prepared.

I used to always pack my strap on Just In Case when I traveled, and I don't anymore. Maybe I should. I don't have much practice using it to be honest, I'm kind of awkward with it. I feel like less of a butch! I wish my dildo was a nicer colour, like blue. Or red. My favorite one was green but that was kind of a stupid colour, it fit really good though. And then the rat ate it. I was so upset, but he had a cute little face, even though green silicone was coming out of his mouth. Anyway, my current favorite one is this kind of creamy white person flesh colour if white people had no blood. It's kind of a stupid colour too, I should have ordered right from Vixen instead of going through Come As You Are.

Actually I would prefer a softer dildo, Vixen dildos, at least the ones I have had, are quite firm. I need to get to a dildo store, clearly. Online ordering won't cut it.

Anyway. Pride was awesome, clearly! I got to hang out with a crush all day and my dog did good at Pride even though he wouldn't drink any water. He gets stubborn. And then I went to the dance and then I went to 302 and saw bunches of friends and then I went to a friends and then I came home in the morning. And slept for four hours. It wasn't enough! :( I am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Well since I titled this blog sex sex sex sex I feel compelled to talk about it more. But I really have nothing further to say. I am always surprised when I end up having sex, because most of the time I am not having sex. And then I like feeling someone whose body is like mine. I'm pretty attracted to lesbianism. I just think same sex fucking is hot! It's fucking hot!

I don't just want sex though, I want long relationships. I want commitment even if it doesn't involve monogamy, just knowing someone is serious. That someone will stick around. I am tired of short explosive relationships, where there's this intense passionate involvement that ends just as suddenly as it begins. I've had a lot of those. I want to really get to know my lovers.

And I hate hurting women. I am always scared of breaking someone's heart because I know it sucks, but it's kind of silly to worry about that before even getting in a relationship. Oddly enough, I am not scared about getting my heart broken, even though the odds of it happening again are pretty high.

I wonder who my girlfriend will be. Or girlfriends. Or whatever. BUT ABSOLUTELY NO SISTER WIVES!!!

Super Labia!!!!

I have a friend who calls pubic hairs public hairs because of the way they suddenly show up when you least expect them, like while having a pleasant conversation with a platonic friend.

That story really doesn't relate to anything I will write about now, because I was just warming up.

I have been taking the bus so much lately, I think I was on the bus yesterday for two and a half hours altogether yesterday. In fact that is my handle on Twitter, LeZbusrider. I never put much thought into my online nicknames. I mean, really it should have been a more obvious nick like Thirza_Cuthand or something. But I was thinking about this Pat Califia writing where he said dykes ride motorcycles or the bus. Come to think of it maybe I should have made my nick Dyke on A Bus or something like that.

Public transportation is very important to me. And yet I have to get a license because we are moving to the country. To the close to Saskatoon Little Pine Reserve. It hasn't been built yet, I think they have to do some paperwork to get it reserve status. But then they will be building houses out there! :D It's right by Wanuskewin.

I am a little nervous about living in the country, even though there will be a bunch of houses together. I'm scared of eagles picking up Mister and wolves savaging Arthur and a Cougar eating me. I'm such an urban girl! I imagine I will get used to the country.

But what else? That's what I always say to my mom. What else?

Today I hear if I got this job being a street patroller and picking up used needles. I think it would be a fun job. As far as jobs go. I'd get exercise that's for sure.

Someone is worried about how much weight I have been losing. I can't really help it, my food situation is fucked because I can't have fat and I still don't know everything that triggers me being in pain. So I really am not eating very much. And I never ate much to begin with. When I was a teenager I could eat so much, but I can't anymore. I often feel rude because I don't clean the plate, hardly make a dent really. I have a weird relationship to food right now. I am thinking of introducing meat back into my diet but on a reduced amount, like twice a week, just so I am eating something. I don't know how to cook vegetarian well enough to do it all the time, I need to back off from it a bit. I really do want to be vegetarian. But I like bacon. And beef tacos made with an Old El Paso Taco Kit.

My surgery consultation is next week, tuesday. I am going to throw myself at Dr. Shaw's feet and beg for it to be taken out as soon as possible because this is no way to live! I'm so miserable and it's hard to eat out and I don't know what to cook and I am losing weight like mad.

What freaks me out about losing weight is that in the past my weight loss has been tied very closely with spiraling out of control manic episodes. I don't think I am going manic. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm losing all this weight and I actually have energy to go for walks!

When I am not in pain that is.

And this gallbladder pain has ruined my solitary sex life! There's no desire to have an orgasm when your guts are spasming. Wrong spasms!

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and filled THREE prescriptions for my gallbladder. I got some Buscopan and some 400mg Advil and some antacid medication. So we will see. I am waiting for my next attack and hopefully it won't be so so bad.

I have a confession! I smoked a Grape Primetime last night! I smoked it on the way to a friends. I haven't had anything since, just lozenges. I feel crappy about slipping. I don't want to slip again. So I am back to reading my quit smoking motivational webpages and stuff.

I am thinking about going to the dual diagnosis meeting tomorrow afternoon. Some people go and talk about how they quit cigarettes or coffee. And they always tell me even if I am still using to keep coming back because eventually it will stick. And I do like that group better than the gay AA or any NA. If there was a gay NA I would go maybe. There should be a gay NA. Or a more secular drug recovery group. Anyway, that's why I like the dual diagnosis group, because it isn't run like AA or NA or MA or CA or OA. It's run more like a basic support group and people go around in a circle and tell whatever they feel like telling. And they offer advice and so forth. It's a nice group. Plus the comfort of being with all other people with mental health issues. And they don't swear, and there are two facilitators who have experience working with addictions and mental health, I think one is a nurse and the other a social worker.

My friend from high school Carrie is becoming a nurse and I keep asking her if she has put in a catheter yet. I know nurses do way more than that but for some reason I have a curiousity about that. She did say she put one in the dummy, but the dummy had super tough labia that were hard to spread apart! SUPER LABIA!

My Grandma wanted to be a nurse, but she couldn't afford it so she became a teacher.

So when am I grown up anyway? This being 33 thing sure does make me feel old. The funny thing is that I was always attracted to people between 28 and 32 and now I am finally attracted mostly to women my own age. But it makes me worry that I'll be leching around at 50 trying to get a fertile 32 year old. Who knows!

I have some shit to do. Dammit! It's not even that hard to do, I should just go do it.

Well, there's the blog for today.

Remember . . .

SUPER LABIA!!!! :D

Supernatural Diaspora!

Tomorrow morning at 10am will be 7 days since I have had a cigarette! I made it through a weekend including partying without smoking a single puff! I am so amazed, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Drinking is kind of a trigger for smoking for me, but I made it through without following my friends outside for a cigarette. I went out a couple times with them just because I didn't like being the only one inside, but it was so cold and it felt kind of silly to have to stand outside.

So hopefully this continues. I am feeling pretty committed to a smoke free life. It's such a waste of money and I don't want to die early. And I don't want to expose other people to my cigarette smoke either.

I really need to make a new video. I hope I get my Mars video funding. That would be a lot of fun to make. Just wish and hope for the best. I already wrote the grant so now it's out of my control.

Whether or not I get my funding I should also make a short self funded video. Sometimes I feel like I can push the envelope more with work that isn't tied to a funding agency. Like Untouchable, I wasn't paid to make that by any funding agency, I just had access to resources. I was lucky! I had my own camera and the Video In 3/4" editing suite. I want to make some more work like that.

I just feel very uninspired these days. I'm not sure what I feel pressed to talk about. Usually something makes me angry and I make a video about it and it's about my various oppressions and turns out to be political. But I don't know what I feel angry about.

It's been an ongoing worry ever since I got on psychiatric medications, I feel a little bit empty, a little less passionate. It sucks. Even my happiness is just a titch muted, and I can tell. My sadness too. But what am I supposed to do about it? I was REALLY overmedicated before, even my psych nurse says so, and she has known me ever since then. Anyway, it makes me feel a little careless, like I don't care, to say anything. Like if you don't get it you don't get it and who am I to point out what an ignorant asshole someone is being because they are being an ist, like racist sexist ageist ableist. All the ists! I'm tired of pointing it out. Let people go to hell in a handbasket!

But I also realize that those sort of attitudes left unchecked wreak havoc on basic human rights for all of us deemed outside the borders of normal. So it's not really good to not care.

I care enough about my self preservation that I quit smoking cigarettes. That must count for something. I'm not quite so self destructive now.

I do care though, about certain people. It's kind of weird. I don't know what to do about any of that either. I'm fairly romantically inept. And being poly makes things a little more complex. Because poly means something different to everyone really. And my last poly girlfriend could have been fine with something the next poly girlfriend takes exception to. Like some poly people want a main partner and others don't want hierarchies in their romantic partnerships or whatevers.

I don't really care if I have bunches of girlfriends, just one would really be enough for me.

I finally put half of my music onto my restored iPod. I have doubled up entries for the same song file in all of my itunes, and I don't know how to get rid of it but after going from Abba to Tori Amos picking every other file, I selected a block of files and it didn't duplicate files in my iPod. I was impressed!

I apologize for how boring that last story was.

I have heard these tales I am not supposed to tell about half horse people at a certain reserve here in Saskatchewan. I've heard it from three different people. Spooky! There are some bizarre supernatural beings in North America.

Once I was talking with my friend Lynx Hell and she was like "Yeah, and all those immigrants brought their THINGS with them!" And I was like "What things?" And she said "You know, their little spirits and stuff like leprechauns and banshees" and I was like "They brought their THINGS with them!!!!!???" I mean, it's probably true. Supernatural Diaspora!

Quit Smoking Attempt #2435

I have now been smoke free for over 83 hours! I am amazed! I feel so much better, I've even gone out drinking a couple nights and didn't have a cigarette. I don't have that horrible shortness of breathe anymore where I felt all constricted and choking. I can smell things again, like the greenness of spring and the flowers and the air from the laundry drier. I'm feeling more positive about myself too.

This time felt almost easy to quit. I just had enough, and I am tired of quitting and failing. I have been quitting for over nine years. But except for that one six month stretch I haven't had much luck. I need to learn to accept that I can't have even one little puff of a cigarette. It would start all over again and I would feel shitty about myself and smell like stink and no one will want to kiss me!

But now I am more kissable! Hurrah!

Anyway, it's about time. I hate to think of what I did to my body while I was all depressed and wanting to die and smoking as a way out eventually. NOOOOO! Now I want to live and I don't want to die young from some smoking related illness. I don't want to live to be as old as my Grandma is now, but to be 85 would be decent. La la la. So I'm smoke free.

And actually, while I have been smoking cigarettes not at all I have also slowed down my use of pot! I am smoking less and less and feeling more energetic. I almost feel like I could give it up for a while. Almost. I am still not ready for that. Pot is how I relax, the way other people have a glass of wine. I know both can be indicative of more serious deep seated issues, but it's semi innocent. I hear that if I exercise more I will just naturally crave pot less and less. Which seems not so painful.

I dunno, but defeating one addiction has made me want to continue defeating the rest of them. Baby steps though. It really only has been three and a half days since my last smoke, so I can't get all cocky yet. And smoking weed has been kind of nice just because it is something to smoke. I should seriously consider buying that Magic Flight vaporizer if I want to keep my lungs healthier though. Joints can be pretty harsh!

So now I am a vegetarian non-smoker. I have to keep reminding my mom I am a vegetarian. She keeps forgetting, although not as badly as when she kept forgetting I was a boy. My six months of being a boy. I didn't like the clothes as much as when they are butch girl clothes though.

I almost gave up and ate beef the other day. I met my cousin Sharlene at Lydia's for the burger and fries you get with a pint and when they asked if I wanted veggie or beef I was so relieved and got the best veggie burger I have ever had! Well, until tonight the only veggie burger I had ever had, but I burnt my burger on the grill today so it wasn't that great.

So there you go veggies, you can eat the burgers at Lyds!

I sometimes want to leave Saskatoon, and then at other times want to become some eccentric character in Saskatoon like Lorraine the muumuu lady or Sailor Dan. No, I can never achieve that kind of fame here. If I started a queer fest here I could be famouser.

I am changing and I don't know what I am changing into. It's been going on for a while but it feels like only recently I have gotten the momentum to actually make changes to my life like cutting out meat and giving up cigarettes. I don't know if I will be a vegetarian forever, I guess we will see, but I sure hope the no smoking thing is for good this time. And what else is going to change? I don't know. I don't know what kind of person I am becoming. I wish I did have some idea of what I am evolving into. I don't want to become so health conscious I become sick, but a little bit of health consciousness would be good.

And I do still have a leisure card.

My gallbladder is still being a pain, I had a little bit of poutine last night and my stomach ached until the morning. YUCK! I have an appointment next tuesday at two with the Amazing Dr. Saffy to try and get some narcotics for when I have a gallbladder attack.

My fingers smell nice now that I don't smoke! Yay!

Anyway, because of the gallbladder I am eating less and less fat, I have started using this margarine that is made of mostly water because I am too afeard of butter!

I can't believe it's not fat!

Fat is goooooood, I miss it! I can get away with a little bit now and then, but not much! I'm looking forward to the day I can eat japanese pumpkin tempura again!

This blog is really mostly about my health, I wish I had more mental health issues to relate to you to spice it up, mental health porn. I forgot my morning meds three days in a row, made me kind of depressed. That's all there is to report. I am taking them normally again.

I sort of miss sex, but I feel like I am getting used to having none again. It's really only the first year without sex that is the hardest, after that they blend together!

Sometimes Straight Guys Suck! And other people suck too!

I think there is this really creepy tension sometimes between Lesbians and Straight Guys. It freaks me out. Especially when I have a Lesbian section on my Google News and keep reading slews of stories of "corrective rape" and murder of Lesbians in South Africa all the time. Straight guys are obsessed with Lesbians! Like, SUPER obsessed! I don't know if straight women are obsessed with Gay men, somehow I don't think so. But it's that whole challenge thing. Like they feel they have something to prove and want to make Lesbians into straight women. It's so FUCKING GROSS! Like, how much of a creep do you have to be?

I recently had a falling out with a friend because he kept making comments about "bringing you back to the good side" and fucked up shit like that. It creeped me out and made me feel unsafe. I don't think straight men realize how creepy they sound when they talk like that.
Creep creep creep!

I don't mind if guys flirt with me once in a while, although I don't flirt back, because flirting is pretty harmless. But making comments about converting someone's minority sexuality is pretty fucking EFFED UP! It's hard enough being a dyke without having some ignorant straight dude sexually harrassing me. And it was becoming this ongoing series of comments for the last few times we have gotten together, and it just REALLY pissed me off.

So I wrote an fb status about it and said get out of my life and now we are not friends. Officially. Because we aren't friends on fb. It's such a weird way of not being friends with someone, to go so far as to delete them from your contacts. Life in the 21st Century.

I'm kind of tired of having my lesbianism challenged by so many people. I should actually mention that it hasn't just been straight guys who have said I wasn't a lesbian, it's been straight women and trans men and when I was a teen some older lesbians said I couldn't be a lesbian yet because I was too young.

But you know what? The truth is, I HATE STUBBLY FACES AND FLAT CHESTS! It's not so much penises that turn me off, it's the whole rest of it. Privilege and taking up space and being uber hairy and too hot temperature wise and kinda smelly and having genitals that taste like bread dough is pretty unappealing to me as well. I AM SUCH A LESBIAN! OMG!

I dunno. Maybe if I had a girlfriend this whole thing would stop and I would get my Lesbian I.D. in the mail. I think people question my sexuality because there really aren't many Lesbians in the world, in comparison to say, bisexuals or straight people. So EVEN THOUGH I knew at fourteen I was a lesbian and not straight or even bisexual, even though I have never fallen in love with a man, even though I have never had a boyfriend, I still get my sexuality challenged.

I dunno, for some reason I think it's rude. I guess because I don't do it to other people. I mean, I could suspect someone is a different sexuality than what they are living, but I don't see the point in harrassing them about it or challenging them. Why not let people live lives the way they want? What is so wrong about me being a Lesbian that people believe my innate sexuality is a myth? What do I have to do to prove I am a Lesbian, and why should I have to prove it.

Everyone is surprised when they learn my first kiss and first sexual experience was with a girl, but it was. I was a nerd so it happened all on the same night when I was seventeen. I mean, if someone was going to kiss me and I really liked them and I had a chance, why not go all the way? But until then I spent three years being challenged on my sexuality because I was a virgin, and how could I know I was a Lesbian until I had sex? Which is a stupid thing to think. Straight people certainly don't get questioned about being straight if they are virgins.

It's all so weird. So anyway. So I don't have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Whatever. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by being exclusively romantic with women. Women are more romantic anyway. And they have such soft skin. And femmes are really beautiful. Well, so are butches, but I do like smart funny sophisticated beautiful femmes. And plus femmes are the ones who get me to open up and be vulnerable in intimate situations, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have that same dynamic with a dude. I can be just as inscrutable as the most detached male, so two of us together would be a BAD combination.

Amber Dawn once said I do better when I am in a relationship. I don't know how I feel about that. It's true I actually clean and keep myself more groomed when I am entertaining a lady on an ongoing basis. But also, I think I am more in touch with my deep feelings when I am having intimate conversations with a lover.

I still remember the morning after a night of great sex when I made Amber Dawn blueberry and mango crepes and told her I loved her. That was such a great day! :D See, women make me feel squishy feelings. And squishy feelings makes me do nice things for them.

I still like all my exes. They were pretty awesome. Too bad we had such a short time for a relationship, but then maybe I am remembering them in an idealized way. I am sure there were issues.

But anyway, yes, being a Lesbian is hard sometimes. I wish people would just learn to accept me as I am and quit trying to change me. And that includes people in the queer community.

Surgery consultation in June!

I finally got a call about my gallbladder surgery, and I have a consultation this June. I am relieved. I also found out today I missed my appointment with the gynecologist to talk about ablation. Mainly I don't want to have to get a hysterectomy later. Like all the other women in my family.

Boring, all I talk about these days on Facebook is all my medical issues, it drives me crazy, I feel like a 33 year old fuddy duddy. And then I think, maybe that really is all that is going on with me. Medical problems. I am old. When I was a kid my main problem was extreme anxiety, now MEDS tAke care of that but I have all kinds of other problems. I really don't want diabetes.

OMG!!!! I almost forgot, I quit eating meat! It's been something I have thought seriously about for a few years, but it's gotten to a point where I can't eat meat without gagging. I'm not opposed to meat eaters or anything, and I am not running off to join those sexists and racists at PETA, but for now I am a vegetarian. The only problem is I really don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to cook without meat except for a couple recipes, and I don't know how to have a balanced diet. I feel kind of weird and it has been a few days now, I really should look it up and plan some meals. It's a big step. Maybe now I can become a real Buddhist, whatever that entails!

I'm slowly evolving towards something, but I can't tell what yet. I thought I was going to become healthy the way people always say you have to do it, by having a no fun life of no drinking and smoking up and carousing. But now I am feeling more lenient about myself, like I could feel okay about myself even if I smoke weed a lot. Although I don't know. I really like it. Whatever. But there are different things I am more interested in exploring. Like sex! I would like to have more sex please! I feel so ripped off by my pitiful track record. And what the he'll am I doing living in Saskatoon? Someone remind me why I think staying here is a good idea? Oh yeah, POVERTY. Damn.

See what I really need to do is get all writery and chain-smoke while pumping out the Great Canadian Aboriginal Lesbian Novel for a couple of years, maybe drink into a black out a couple more times while shooting video of all the people I meet. Aw crap, I just realized I can't buy street hotdogs anymore. I have a lot to do! I need to write a best seller so I can happily retire on the royalties.

I need to do more of what I love, I think that's where my future lies. As God is my witness I will never work in a call centre again!

I finally went downtown and showed my paystub so I can keep riding the bus with a twenty dollar pass every month instead of a seventy one dollar pass. It's good until November! Subsidized bus fares are awesome!

I need to go scrounge up something delicious and vegetarian for dinner, so I will go now.

The sun porch is lovely this time of year.

I turned 33!!!!! I'm growing up, not down, like a goose or a carrot! Up like a mighty oak!

Anyway, I learned that my ability to throw parties is on par with my ability to grow plants, which is not at all. So I surrender! I will not invite my friends to see each other and celebrate me!

I cleaned the sun porch today! I'm out here right now, writing this blog! I haven't written here for a while, and believe me, I feel guilty for not keeping up with writing one page a day. But I have been busy! Believe me!

I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great by cleaning the sun porch, mostly because I did it in an hour and now it's actually a nice place to hang out. It gets crazy dirty over the winters. I also added 2:18 minutes to my video program. I am still short six minutes. I need a six minute short.

I'm feeling generally okay, I forgot three days of morning mess in a row recently and got mildly depressed. But I pulled through! Mess equals MEDS of course, I am writing on an iPad.

The dogs, cat, and I are all grooving in the sun porch listening to Sexy Boy by Air.

I couldn't be a boy, it would annoy the he'll out of me. He'll meaning hell of course! I like spending time with women far too much to be a boy. Plus I hear their washrooms are disgusting.

Nothing more than feelings . . .

My tummy hurts! Ahhhhhh! I think that one big gallstone that is in the way is trying to go through my duct but can't get in the opening, and it's just pushing and pushing and ARG! I hate having gallstones. I want the damn thing cut out of me already, it's been a really awful couple of years. I drank three pops and some fried food and I think that's gotten to me. I have had to cut back drastically on my pop intake, and I was doing pretty good, one pop a day, my tummy wasn't bothering me. But then I had three today! Oh noes!

Anyway, that really wasn't what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is being frustrated by my addictions and feeling like a low life trying to talk about it. FUCK! Why do I belong to stigmatized segments of society? Is it because I am an artist? No! It is because I am a Thirza, with flaws and strengths that sometimes fight with each other.

Ever since my ex told me she didn't want to be with me because I had no drive, ambition, or willpower, and that my inability to conquer my addictions reveals a character flaw, I've been using pretty hardcore! Like "OH yeah! Well fuck you I'm gonna go get drunk with my friends and puke over the side of the bed and smoke so much pot I will have forgotten you!" And it kind of worked, I did forget about her, and move on. But I also treated my body terribly and now it doesn't feel good. And maybe part of it made me throw in the towel on cutting back and so forth. Like "Well Rheanne already said I failed at quitting so I might as well FAIL!"

God my tummy hurts! One small relief is that the searing pain of having a stone go through my duct hasn't happened in a while since this horking great big stone got in the way.

Still hurts though.

A friend of mine has been pestering me to reveal feelings. I thought I already did, but I guess I am a bit closed off still. I dunno, what feelings? I have feelings about everything, but since I have a mood disorder and am being treated for it, they manifest differently than they did before. I still fall crazy in love and all that, and if a movie is really sad I will cry. Maybe I just don't feel like I have any feelings I want to share. I try to take the middle road on feelings and not get caught up in sadness or manic happiness. I dunno. So many things have happened to me in my life that I just kind of plod along like an ox pulling a plow. And then I do have wildly fantastic secret feelings that I always let slip out in subtle ways around friends. Like how I feel about certain persons and getting a goofy smile on my face when I talk about them. Really though I want to make grand gestures and get caught up in love and stuff. But it's kind of hard when one interest is recovering from major surgery and the other lives over the ocean. Kind of puts a damper on declaring feelings and so forth.

BUT REALLY! What feelings? I shall have to think of what I am feeling these days.

I am feeling anxious about my grandparents. I know they won't be around much longer and I want to see them lots. We see them probably a couple times a week. My granny is getting so frail and already her spinal discs are disintegrating. And my Grandpa doesn't hear very well anymore. They were fairly prominent in my childhood and I've always had a close bond to them. I'm scared about saying goodbye.

I am feeling a sore tummy. Oh, you know that. Well I am feeling nervous about my upcoming surgery, I am worried I will wake up on the operating table.

I'm scared for my future because I am starting my own business and haven't got any equipment yet and need to do some more work, and will always be having to do more work, and I have had to turn down work because I don't have equipment.

OH! I am happy about one new development in my life. Little Pine First Nations, my reserve, has bought land just outside of Saskatoon near Wanuskewin and my Mum and I are going to get a little plot of land and build a container house duplex with a shared kitchen and laundry room. We figure we can do it with three containers, and we will have a fence to keep out wildlife and keep in our dogs, and a hot tub, and a fire pit and a deck. And if I decide to move to a big city for a while or something, she can use my half for her studio. And because it will be reserve land, we won't have to pay taxes on anything we make and anything we order by mail.

And there will be no bloody basement!

I feel frustrated with my addictions because they are so fun and social, and while I do a lot of solitary smoking, I also have a lot of nameless friends who partake with me while chillaxing. I don't know, maybe even if I just cut out the solitary smoking. I'm confused. MY psych nurse just wants me to stop completely, but I have a lot of reservations about that.

I'm worried about a cousin of mine, because I am not sure she is really out of the danger zone yet from a mental health episode and I worry she has thrown away her medication and I don't want to see her have to go back to the hospital for a third time this year. And because I wrecked my relationship when I went off my meds, I am worried about people going off their meds. Sooner or later they all seem to end up in the hospital having to take meds again, and some of those meds don't work as well if they are always being stopped and started. And also just because I know the body is really exhausted after a manic episode and typically coming down from one involves a bit of suicidal thinking. At least for me.

It's because it is embarrassing to lose control and run around with no clothes and write scores of emails to a lover which estranges them because they are so bizarre. And also because all the seratonin gets used up in a manic episode and your body has to get it back to regular levels, so you feel like the best option is to walk off a bridge or something. And some people do it, as we well know. My post-manic depressions are usually terrible and long. Like a few months. It's like you are just shell shocked with all the risky things you did while you were crazy and are trying to make sense of yourself again.

This whole thing about feelings is silly. I repress my feelings! I could want to jump on someone and kiss them all over and all I will do is say hello and make some stupid joke.

I don't feel bad about being into Rheanne for so long though. I gave it a shot! I worked long and hard for it! But it was never to be. At least I tried, at least I didn't walk away from my feelings about her. At least I communicated my feelings to her. But she thinks I'm a loser! Whatever, what am I supposed to do about that? She and I haven't even spent time together since March 2007, so much has changed! I am sane now, mostly. Predominantly sane.

The thing is, if I am sleeping with someone I totally tell them all my feelings, even feelings I didn't know I was feeling. And not even just happy feelings, I tell them sad ones and angry ones and all the rest. I'll tell them a feeling I had in grade nine! I totally open up to women when I have sex with them. Not like, DURING sex, except for lovey lusty feelings of course. But after sex, before sex, between having sex and going for breakfast. And during cuddly times. I can keep very few things secret from my lovers. I like to think that is a plus in dating me.

That being said, I do keep some secrets secret from EVERYONE, believe it or not. Things that are between me and God!

Today I got sad while I ate my bacon. I thought about the pig who died to give me bacon and what kind of factory farmed life it had and was it meaningful and who was I to have an animal killed just so I could eat? Why is it's life less meaningful than mine? And I was thinking all these things and I couldn't stop eating the bacon because it tasted so good, so I tried to remember how humans have survived on meat for thousands of years and this is just what we do to survive and then I thought "This music is making me think about the sadness of eating meat!" And then I said to my friend "This music is depressing!"

No it's not, she said. And I ate my last piece of bacon.

I am terrible at cleaning. PERIOD!

As you may know, I am supposed to be inhabiting my mother's basement, like many unfortunates my age who can't afford rent in other places. I don't spend a lot of time in the basement though. At first I thought it was because I think the basement is haunted. But lots of parts of the house have had weird things happen in them, not just the basement. Now I have come to accept, it is because the basement is a horrid mess.

And it's supposed to be all clean for my business.

So today I worked on it some. I actually cleaned the bathroom and found a spider and did some laundry which covered my bedroom floor. I also moved some boxes from near the bedroom/future office to a storage area just beside the bathroom. But there is still so much to be done, and it is so big! I feel really ineffectual, even though the bathroom looks good finally.

I just found out my speed dating is probably not going to happen tonight. I feel so disappointed? Where's the sapphic single ladies?? All the single ladies . . .

I need to get out of the house tonight, I don't want to stay in yet again. I don't know what I could do. My one friend is going to the gym. I could go work out. I have my period though, and I hate tampons because I bleed too heavy, so maybe swimming is out for me.

Once I did get my period in the pool, and I found this clot floating next to me. Periods are weird man!

Especially my fibroid enhanced periods.

I wish I could see the ultrasounds of my gallbladder and uterus.

I’m looking forward to the day I don’t have my period anymore. It doesn’t make me feel any more connected to being a woman. It makes me feel vulnerable to bears and cougars!

So I was having this conversation with my friend Robin yesterday about how we read articles online about cleaning instead of just actually cleaning, or how to stop procrastinating, while using it as an excuse to procrastinate. I’m really terrible at this. I’ve probably also spent more time reading books on how to have an awesome sex life than actually doing so. I sure as hell haven’t logged enough mileage.

I also like to write about doing things instead of doing them. Sometimes.

OMG! Did you hear about this killer named Twitchell in Edmonton who was a filmmaker who made a film about killing someone a certain way, and then actually did it. WTF? He also wrote this whole confessional diary about it.

And he was obsessed with Dexter.

Well I was obsessed with Ab Fab but I didn’t turn into a drug taking booze hound! Ha ha ha, wait.

There are two skeletons at the University of Saskatchewan named Dexter and Sinister. At least there used to be.

Once my cousin told me about this haunted cave in Mexico where you could see skeletons dancing. I wish I could find out more about it. We were going to host a paranormal show and investigate haunted places and scream. We were good at screaming. But honestly, I don’t think I can be a paranormal investigator. I’d prefer to stay away from it. I’m tired of being around it.

Maybe I should save some eggs. I wonder if Indian Affairs covers cryogenic egg preserving since I will be getting an ablation.

Once when I was at Hantleman I wandered all over campus looking for my glasses (they were under the bed back at Hantleman, but I was crazy) and I stumbled on the cryogenics facility. It just had this happy little sign that said “Cryogenics” and that was all I saw. And then I came back to the ward and got my glasses.

I need my glasses at all times!

I am not a Deer!

I spend a lot of time with my mother and grandmother. My grandfather as well. But he doesn't get called dear. My grandma HATES being called Dear. She thinks it's degrading to her as an old lady. And my mum, who recently quit dyeing her hair, has also been called a Dear.

The funny thing is Grandma used to call me Dear when I was younger. I would get upset and say "I am not a deer!" thinking she was calling me an ungulate. "Oh Dear!" she would say, and I would repeat "I am not a Deer!"

Kids are weird, even I was weird. Also when my mom said "Look, an antelope!" I would say "I don't see any cantaloupe!" I was expecting a field of melons. Not those tiny ungulates.

I am at home wanting to go out. I hate feeling like I am stuck at home. I want to be drinking a beer or hanging out or in a car or SOMETHING! Oh mans! Well, at least tomorrow night I am at Lesbian Speed Dating! From meeting to uhaul in one night!

I don't know what to expect. I am not really expecting to meet someone, but you never know!

I'm getting sleepy now. I don't know why I ever said I wanted to leave the house, now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the night away!

No clever title

Life's been eventful. We saved the dogs when they ate rat poison and a couple relatives had to visit the hospital. SO DRAMATIC!

The dogs now get a Vitamin K oral suspension once a day for the next month. They are doing pretty good with it, the first day they were kind of upset about it because the vet had made them throw up and then eat activated charcoal and our technique for putting the syringe in their mouths wasn't very good. But it's in peanut oil and they actually think it is pretty tasty now, so it's not too difficult anymore, especially when they all line up to get it now.

The vet said we had very well behaved dogs. And they really liked them, one was talking to Mister just before we left telling him how cute he was. And my mother thinks that the vet who saved them is a lesbian and I should date her. Ha ha ha!

I should date a vet, that would be handy to have in the family. We have one cat and three dogs altogether! That's a lot of little furry souls!

Arthur is the one who gets all this food they eat that they aren't supposed to. He is a menace! I told Mum there should be a movie about her and him starring Tantoo Cardinal. An academic and her bad dog. Ha ha! It could be the neechie Marley and Me.

I've been taking my meds really well lately, I only missed one night dose last week. And I haven't used my sleeping pills in a really long time. YAY me!

Sometimes a change in seasons can tip off an episode. And everything is finally melting away here. Enough to go for a walk, I dare say! And I have another funny confession: I am afraid to go for walks because that is what I did when I was manic, I walked and walked and walked. Granted I am not walking such great distances, I just want to go walk around the neighborhood and look at stuff and think.

My mum told me they have discovered that exercise is better for your brain than doing sudoko and all those little puzzles, especially exercise where they tell you what to do. And I am trying to be healthier. My mental health is really good, I just need to bring the rest of it up to snuff. And I want to try to avoid getting dementia when I get old. I had a group home roommate with dementia and it was horrible! She was on her way to a higher care place, because she just didn't know what was going on or how to take care of herself. I don't want that to happen to me, my brain is weird enough already.

Which means I should really try and quit that thing I love. Dammit! BUT I LOVE IT!

:'(

I am coming up to taking a break from it until my birthday anyway. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP! I will be 33! Old timey lady! LOL. "I remember riot grrls! I remember the Challenger exploding!"

And the colored girls say do do do do do do do.

I just took a walk! I have been avoiding walking around while it's slushy and icy, but it has finally melted away enough that there are only some puddles everywhere. And I was able to avoid the deep ones. Sometimes you'll come to a puddle and think it's okay to step in, but there is ice at the bottom and you get soaked falling in. That happened to me once. I felt so embarrassed walking home all wet. I was a teenager so I was embarrassed way easier back then. Now of course so many embarrassing things have happened to me. Going crazy is embarrassing. Losing control. It pisses a lot of people off, and that always made me feel bad. Later.

Anyway, I also bought a coke at the store, so maybe that negated my walk.

MUCH LATER. . .

I've been waiting for mom to get back home. I cashed in some Air Miles and bought two nights out at the movie for two people. I think my mom will get one and the other one I will save for . . . hmmm, I dunno! A special friend!

And I got 25 bucks worth of Kernels popcorn! I have a mother's day present~! Although I hope she buys me some popcorn too. OMG! I wonder if she and I could go to Circle Centre tonight and get movie popcorn!? That would be sweet.

Well, I guess that concludes this blog. I mean, I will write more later, but this entry is over!

Grant Medicine

I went down to the post office today and mailed off my grant application to Canada Council! Here's hoping! I listened to "Billionaire" by Peaches on my way to the post office in Shoppers and I hope that gives me some kind of luck. From now on all I can do about getting that grant is some witchy spells! But I probably won't.

Grant medicine! HOLY SHIT!~ Am I the first NDN to think of this? This is really what I need right now.

There is this rumour among people that all of us Crees use Love Medicine to get our partners. I don't know anyone who has used Cree Love Medicine. But it sounds awfully fantastic, if it is true.

I'm wearing a blue Mr. Limpy. He is blue because he has been in my jeans, getting rubbed on by blue jean dye. Poor grotesquery!

Anyway, now I don't know what is going on. Some people might come over. I should probably put away all the madness of extra papers on the coffee table where I put my grant together. I didn't count how many pages it was, but it was pretty thick! At least by my standards. I stand behind this grant. It's totally reasonable and intelligently put together. I am celebrating getting it in!

I wonder who will be on the jury this year.

I've been single for a really long time! Crap! I am turning into my mother! ZOMG!

I had a physical for the first time in like, four years or something crazy like that. It was bizarre, I think they always are. Being examined. No wonder alien abductees have such PTSD, even getting that treatment just from a human is kinda creepy.

NOT to call Dr. Saffy creepy, which she definitely is not.

Basically the end of the visit I was just told to cut back on Michael Jackson so I would have more energy, and to eat less sugar because of something to do with fat and blood. Or things with sugar, anyway, since it's very rare I eat sugar straight up, unless it is Sugar In The Raw in which case I steal as many packets as possible.

So that is okay. Whew! And I have to make an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, just because I am due. OMG! I should make an appointment with my dentist too!

Too bad my dentist lives all the way in Forest Grove, because now it's an hour long bus ride to get there!

As someone who has bipolar disorder, I have just been around the disease for my whole life in some aspect, what with it being a genetic illness and my extended family being so large. Not to mention all the different friends with that and other mental illnesses. FUCK THIS SHIT! It's a really tragic illness to have! I hate how it can trick people into thinking they aren't sick.

Sometimes there is awareness when I'm not sane that I am not sane, like with depressions and just after the peak of a manic episode. But when I don't believe I need help I can be pretty difficult to get to a hospital or take my medication, even when I'm walking to the edge of town to meet aliens.

Sheesh!

Anyway, this year has involved a lot of close people having psychotic episodes. I don't know what to do. I'm too far away to really do anything. At least that is how I feel. And there are people who know what is going on better than me. ARG! And I know how bad these things can turn out to be.

And it scares me because this April will be four years since I was hospitalized at Hantleman with the brown baby bunnies and the pod people. With a giant Mr. Peanut hot air balloon flying over us. And when I went to sleep I could look at the scorched sprinkler where someone tried to set it off with a lighter. And I totally alienated my whatever friend by sending her reams and reams of emails cause I was CRAZY! And I don't want to alienate more love interests by being psychotic. It's so depressing to be judged for inappropriate behaviour committed while insane. No wonder there are always wildly low depressions after a manic episode. It's all guilt and embarrassment!

So, before that it was just over four years that I had been hospitalized, and so as you can see, I feel like I've hit some kind of four year trigger that will escalate into me throwing away my meds and starting some kind of revolution with bizarre tenants like eating at Twoonie Tuesday to show support for David Suzuki.

The GOOD news, is that I am not crazy in love with the same person I was then, the one who got all my emails. And who I was pining for until recently. I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great! I am finally ready to meet someone new to love. Or I could have met them already. I don't know. But I am also happy being single. So if I do go crazy, there is no one to send emails to, except my friends, who will still be annoyed, but I will be annoying them equally and not singling someone out.

We don't have two psych wards in Saskatoon anymore, they have merged into an uber psych ward called The Dube Centre. The dubious Dube? I haven't stayed there so I can't give a rating.

There should be a website called Rate Your Psych Ward, where all kinds of ex or current patients can write reviews.

The Thirza Review:

St Luc, Montreal=BAD!!!!
Hantleman, RUH, Saskatoon=Awright.

Okay, I could be more specific but I don't feel like it.

I like having a psychiatrist. She's amazing. I don't think I've ever been so stable as I have while I've been her patient. That's a good review. I should think of a good fake name for her. She looks kind of like Cate Blanchett. She had a skiing accident one year and was gone for six months! I was so miserable. I'm doctor dependent!

This summer I will be getting my gall bladder out. Maybe I will ask for early september. Aw crap, I really want it out, but I won't be able to swim. If I do get it out maybe I will get a tattoo as well just because then I can overlap non-swimmable time! My cherry blossoms are crying out to be inked into my skin!

What a rambly blog. Just ramblin' on.

I hope you clicked on the Peaches link, pretty hot stuff!

This is not about relational aesthetics. Thank god!

I was really productive last night! I wrote five pages of my grant! :O So amazing! I am hoping this productivity continues because I have a lot to do! I'm not going to give you my list, because you'd be annoyed with me. It's positive work though, I mean, I won't feel shitty doing any of it. I just have to plan so my mood works with whatever I have to work on. Like watching all these videos, I have to be in some kind of absorbing mood, instead of an outputting mood, which is better for stuff like grant writing.

I thought of a funny two minute video I want to make about having an addiction and how it can fuck up your love life. The thought of it made me laugh anyway. And I do kind of mine my own life for stories. And I wanted to make one video about my addiction.

SPEAKING OF ADDICTIONS!!!! Yesterday I had my last cigarette at 6:40pm! It's been over twelve hours with no smoking! I'm not going to boast yet though, because there's always the chance I could relapse. But who knows? Maybe maybe maybe this is it. A lot of my friends are all quitting right now, I should just quit with them for good. Fewer and fewer people smoke.

I can't believe I even became a smoker. It was because I was mixing hash with tobacco. And then I tried tobacco on it's own. Damn! Marijuana is a gateway drug!

Mental Health wise I have been doing really well lately. I've been diligently taking my medication and I am finding my life much improved after getting off the Celexa. I can even sort of cry now!

I used to cry so damn much. I could cry at the drop of a hat. And then I went on Celexa and it totally stopped! I lost a job, I lost my apartment, and I didn't cry either time! :O Weird.

I did cry when people died though, but not as much as I have in the past.

The paranormal stuff has gone down in the house, I think. I think we have a ghost cat in our house. But that doesn't bother me. He was a good kitty.

Writing this grant application has really made me think about my work. I feel like I need to explain why my work is important. It's kind of funny, I just assume because it's important to me it must be important to at least some other people. People seem to like watching my stuff anyway. And I try to be entertaining.

Time to get back to work! And have a snack!

Don't Wear Tight Shoes!!!

It's finally spring here, and it was all nicely melting and slushy and gross looking and then it freakin' FROZE and snowed and now there is all this ice under the pretty clean new snow. Typical of spring really. I wish it would thaw again today but I don't think it will.

I am going to Calgary this weekend with my mom and Cindy Baker and Megan Morman! I should take some of my blank notebooks I found in my packed stuff so I can do some writing, and take my grant applications and final report forms too. I gotta get that stuff done. Final report forms always sound more difficult than they really are. And my reports are just for travel grants. Man there is a LOT of paperwork involved in being an artist!

I wish I had a laptop, that would make traveling so much easier. And a credit card. I've resisted for so long! But I might have to get a credit card.

My Mum is having a show in Calgary at TRUCK, and the opening is tomorrow night! I am going to try not drinking hardly anything. Like maybe two drinks and some pop. I don't really have money to drink and it is weird getting drunk in front of mom.

I'm smoking again. :P Rheanne is right, I have no willpower! :O I feel so blah about it.

OMG! THAT reminds me! My treaty card came back to me! :D I forgot to talk about this, well my treaty card disappeared and I was sure it was in my house but it wasn't and so my mom had to buy my cigarettes for me for the LONGEST time. And then yesterday I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom to come outside with my cigarettes and this employee came up and knocked on the window and said she thought my treaty card was inside!

After months of being missing!!!!

I went inside and they brought out this box filled with treaty cards and sure enough there I was! And it was just the same as I had left it, the laminated edge all frayed and shitty looking and my sad picture because I got that treaty card the day we buried my cousin Christopher.

WOW, and it's expiring in June! Sadly all I use it for is buying smokes, and I really am going to quit soon. BUT I could also use it for going to a new pharmacy. Only, I really like going to the Safeway for my meds because then I can get airmiles for free! I used to get 84 airmiles each time I picked up my meds, but I think it might have gone down to 76 now that I am not on Celexa.

I don't even know how many airmiles you need to get anywhere. Like, are they REALLY representative of a mile? ??? I should really look up my account. My friend Stef does all kinds of things with their airmiles.

I need to use my dayplanner more better! I have stuff coming up that I haven't even written in yet.

I KNOW WHY I NEED MY TREATY CARD! I am going for minor toe surgery, and have needed it for a while and just never did anything about it. And I have to find out if it is covered by Indian Affairs, because otherwise it is $400 and that's a lot of money for someone like me! I have to get something called a Partial Nail Avulsion. Gross hey? DON'T WEAR TIGHT SHOES!!!

I am still waiting to hear about my tests and stuff. BLAHHHHHHHHHHH! Isn't 2 weeks up already???

I still love the words Indian Affairs, because it sounds kind of sexy, rawr!

Let's Break Out the Blouse and Have a Ball!

I have a shitload of writing to do in the next few days! I have to get a big chunk of my company's website content written because I need to do more on that front, and I have to write a script, and I have to write a grant! :O Eeeeeeeeeeee! I don't know how much money I should ask for. I am applying to the Aboriginal Media Arts Section for my Mars video. I can ask for up to 60,000 buckaroos, but I don't know that I will need THAT much. I really have to get working on it, the deadline is April 1st, AND I have to get my final report in for my travel grant. AND I might also apply for a grant at the Sask Arts Board.

It makes me want to get some weed and get ripped and go on a writing binge. I sometimes feel like getting high makes me write better. I don't know if that is true. I should do some experiments on myself and discover if it is a fact or not. In fact, I really should try the six week abstaining experiment and see if my life improves without the green. But it's a little hard for me to do that. I think the longest I have gone recently is three weeks. Can I add three more weeks to that? Probably.

But what I really have to do is get organized for writing all this stuff. I also have to write some final report forms. It's all a lot of work! BUT hopefully by the end of all this work I will have content to send to my web designer and a 47,000 grant to make a video with most of a script written. Actually by reading the guidelines of the grant I am applying for, I can write a script and do a production and do post production all on the same grant. And I think my budget doesn't have to be as specific (33 clothespins at 10 cents a pin etc etc.). So I have 12 pages of a 30 minute script written and I should be able to get my grant based on that. And all my supporting material.

I am at a loss of what to do for support material, I think I might email Ian Reid at the Canada Council and inquire. Last time they didn't like me including a documentary because "it had nothing to do with the project" of doing a narrative dramedy. I didn't know support material had to be DIRECTLY related to the project one is applying for funds for. It kind of locks artists into genres, which I find problematic. Where is the room for growth?

I had kind of a sad dream last night, for two reasons. One is that I was trying to get Rheanne to love me back as in by being with me, and she wouldn't have anything to do with me. And the other part I was in a store trying to select a Godzilla toy, and my late friend Matthew Oscienny loved Godzilla and sort of collected them, and I thought of him in my dream. I woke up missing both of them and feeling out of sorts.

The funny thing about this is the night before I dreamed about snuggling with one of my mega crushes and it made me so happy and feeling all those warm fuzzies. I was trying to have a similar dream by thinking about her before falling asleep, but it didn't work!

I have been texting lately, although my phone is not the best for texting. Maybe I will even do some sexting! Ha ha, actually no, my phone doesn't even have a camera.

I did send some naked pictures of myself to someone once but then her equipment got stolen and I suspect a non-lesbian is looking at my tits. GRODY! These tits should have a tattoo on them that say "For Wimmin's Eyes Only!" Ha ha ha, whatever. I showed them in my videos all the time. When you have nice breasts, it kind of behooves one to show them off. At least it behooves me.

I tried to write Let's Break out the booze and have a ball on my facebook status but my iPad changed it to let's break out the blouse and have a ball. Ha ha ha!

On the road again . . .

Hello from my mom's iPad on The Grand hotel's wireless here in Kelowna! This is my first time blogging on the iPad, so there are bound to be hilarious spelling mistakes. I have a pretty swank room here, with a king sized bed that dwarfs me and a tv and it's a corner suite so I have TWO big windows. I am killing time before I present my work at an International Women's Day event where I am told there will be mega amounts of bannock.

I am glad I get this over with before six when I take to drinking. Lol. But seriously, it is better to present earlier when you are someone who gets public speaking nerves. I can do public speaking, I am pretty used to it, but I still get nervous before hand. When I am actually talking I usually forget about my nerves and just start thinking about my work and why and what and how and all that good blah blah. I have some good facts about myself I pull out, like that I made my first video when I was sixteen and that I made most of my early work with just me and a camcorder. I wish I had Untouchable to show, but I don't.

For some reason I packed my articles of incorporation with all the rest of my stuff. I also paked my vaporizer and toiletries and a pair of flavors so I wouldn't walk around in incriminating snow boots. By flavors I mean Fluvogs of course. Silly iPad.

A warning to Canadians who smoke: if you don't have time to stop at the Rez for 8 dollar smokes, be prepared to shell out seventeen dollars at the airport! I have a pretty pricey pack of DuMauriers which I have been smoking so sparingly. Airports shouldn't be allowed to gouge so much money out of people, I have noticed everywhere I go that airports Jack up prices on everything, not just smokes. Why do people think travelers are full of money?

I also learned you can't buy a beer on Westjet unless you have a major credit card, because they have gone to a cashless cabin. And you can't check into a hotel anymore without having a credit card, even if someone else is paying for it. Clearly this little homo needs a credit card. but I have been resisting because I can tell based on my manic spending habits that I would get into trouble. It is one thing to spend all my rent money on Buddha statues, it is another to rack up 6000 dollars worth of debt by buying something ridiculous or a series of ridiculous things.

I didn't make any spectacular airport friends. In fact I think I was completely silent for my entire trip. Oh, except for saying "coffee with cream and sugar" and "thank you.". It is not entirely out of the ordinary for me to go ages without saying something. That being said, I also blab to myself all the time while I am alone, about all kinds of things.

My mom is supposed to call me back, but somehow I don't think she is going to. I have been doing typing work for her and she says she is going to pay me, but AT THE END OF THE MONTH. And I am supposed to be paid for this gig but it will get mailed to me whenever. Sooooo, well I hope I get some money for dirty bingo because I really need a new vibrator.

The Sexual Heath Centre in Saskatoon sells vibrators AT COST starting at five bucks! But I have been hearing good things about the Lelo vibrators. Which run at about 150 bucks. I wonder how much those crazy steam powered vibes cost doctors in the good old days of finding efficient ways to masturbate hysterical patients. I saw those old timey ones at Good Vibrations in San Francisco.

You know, after doing this for a while I can say that typing on the iPad isn't nearly as annoying as I thought it would be. Maybe because I am sitting at a desk.

TWO HOURS before I depart for Alternator and get myself all set up. I am kind of craving a peanut buster parfait. I should go get a sandwich or something.

All Day with Baby!

OMG BABIES ARE A LOT OF WORK! Especially at my nephew's age, which is big enough to walk around but not big enough to say sentences. He's really not a baby baby anymore, he's a little boy. Very little. He was awake for something like five hours from getting here in the morning until finally crashing at 4pm for an hour and a half. All was peaceful, but you couldn't be too loud or you would wake the baby. And then he woke up and we had dinner and then he went home. I changed a diaper today. It wasn't a poopy diaper though, that would have been worser. I saw him make a poop face. He got all red and stuff. Babies are weird that way. I will be glad when he realizes toilets are for pooping in and not for throwing things in and flushing them away. We had to keep all kinds of doors closed and a baby gate up and he still was trying to play with a spray bottle and found a jar and it's entourage of dust bunnies. And our closets are not baby proof, that is for sure.

I finally saw my doctor, did I mention that in the last post? It is true! I am getting a referral to a gynecologist to discuss my options in regards to these fibroids. I am seriously considering an ablation, which would burn the lining of my uterus and then I would not have periods again. And hopefully it would keep me from having to get a hysterectomy, although I don't know for sure, I will have to come up with a list of questions to ask this gynecologist. It will also get rid of my fertility. I am pretty sure I never want to be pregnant, but it is also a big decision to make. And "pretty sure" sounds dodgy.

I am also waiting to hear back on some tests for this and that. I hope there is nothing to worry about. Because I really don't want to have to add more pills. It's hard enough swallowing all of them at once now, I'd probably choke to death with more.

Actually I think I am at an all time psych med LOW that is psychiatrist approved! Right now I am on Epival, Risperidone, and Wellbutrin. And that is IT! Besides that I am on iron and ranitidine. So it's not such a big deal. But I can still tell if I miss them, I don't feel right. Not like I feel CRAZY, just off, sometimes I get more cry-ey when I miss my morning meds, which is my Wellbutrin. And if I forget my night meds I won't be able to sleep properly, I will keep waking up in the night and thinking. And when you are someone who thinks as much as I do, it's nice to have a break! Anyway, that's the scoop with my meds. It's been a while since my last manic episode. I'm sure I've had some milder hypomanic episodes, but those don't usually cause too much trouble. Or DO THEY????

But yes, I have been out of the hospital for nearly four years!!!! I'm really happy about that, because being in the hospital wipes out a year of my life in terms of feeling productive and creative and functioning. Bleh. And they say it will take me longer to recover each time it happens. So I really don't want to get off my meds. They've made me feel way more stable. And life has still had shitty moments, but I haven't been bleakly suicidal in that time either. Except for when I got out of the hospital. I was pretty suicidal in the group home, it was yucky! I just kind of held on until things got better for me.

Yucky. But post mania depressions are not that uncommon. Especially when you have just flooded your brain with all that dopamine and seratonin and have to build it back up again. It takes a while!

I heard a cautionary tale once from this gay friend who told me he had friends who were doing ecstacy ALL THE TIME for a while and in the end they said they couldn't feel happy anymore, like they just used up all the happiness you're allowed to have in life. Now that is depressing!

I won 2 dollars and a free play in Lotto Max. The next draw is for 50 million and 30 Maxmillions. I have three numbers. HOPE HOPE HOPE I win some cash! I am such a wimp gambler really, I only buy Lotto Max tickets when it's for 50 million and Lotto 649 when it is 17+ million. And that doesn't happen THAT frequently. And I don't play the same numbers over and over. Which I am told is what I should do.

I was too busy with baby to do much of what I was going to do today. I am going to have to try this again tomorrow. I wrote a list of things I have to do but it got submerged beneath a pile of papers~!

And Mum's got some kind of stuff she is working on too and it has made us all very busy. I am in charge of making dinner for a while. Tomorrow we are having Black Bean Soup! :D Today we had a Frittata and the day before yesterday we had tacos!

Little Mister had a haircut and a wash and a manicure on Friday, he looks quite dapper! And he is happier I think, although he doesn't stay outside as long, having so little fur now.

Weird times, my friend, weird times.

Okay, maybe I am starting to believe the hype about 2012 again. Not like in an aliens attack way (although maybe?) but more in a massive global shift. There are a HELL of a lot of revolutions going on right now, and it seems to be reaching a peak. Trust me to be a CEO when the revolution comes to eat the rich! Ha ha, kidding. But really, who knows?

I have a LOT of stuff to do today, and I even wrote a whole list of things on a piece of paper last night. There are 8 things I can do TODAY! And only ONE of them involves leaving the house. But I haven't done them yet. Instead I got stuck on facebook reading the news. I mean the real news smart ass, the links to articles. Not who is freezing cold in -35 or -45 or -55 or whatever my friends are living through around Canada.

Although I feel your pain, my weather friends! ;)

There is a lot of snow over here, I should really take some pictures because it is kind of impressive.

But I keep seeing all these negative stories about people with bipolar in the news, today I saw one calling Ghaddafi's behaviour bipolar. And then there are all these criminals. It depresses me as a fine upstanding bipolar disordered Butch. Oh the stigma! I know there are others who aren't the nicest, but can't it be balanced with more discussion of our accomplishments and talents? We need a Bipolar Disorder Pride movement. Our parades would be great, because the manic people would be most flamboyant and colorful and have amazing chants, and the depressed people could watch from home on television because they don't have the energy to go out!

I ate dill pickle dip today and then started craving pickles only to find there are NONE in the house!!!!! No pickles! :'( I love a good pickle. Especially Vlassic Garlic Baby Dills.

I have to add one more thing to my list. Write a Muthafuckin GRANT! AND a 30 minute script! Before April 1st! Oh mans! That means I have to write a DETAILED budget, and this would be the first time I have done such a thing. I have gotten grants so far that had really easy budgets to write, but this is going to need stuff like a real feature film budget, with more specific categories. The last time I sat down to write my script I wrote two pages, lost both of them due to a crash, and then re-wrote a page. It made me sad and discouraged so I haven't written in a while. But it's got to get done. I know how it ends. I just have to think of the details of how they get there. What I should really be doing is going for thinking walks. I think best when I go for a walk. Try it! It really works. I guess there is a treadmill in this room. Bleh. Ha ha ha! I just say bleh because I think part of the thinking process comes from moving about in the world. And in my part of the world it is SUPER cold! :(

x( <--- Dead Cyclops.

Going through this Self Employment program has made me realize how to do my career better. It's been really hard to have a career and a highly active mental health issue at the same time. My productivity went down. I wasn't as creative when I was depressed or recovering from a Manic Episode. But I've been stable for a while now, and I feel like I am getting back to life. And wanting to make amazing art. I feel like I know emotions better, and I think I learned some things about spirituality and the human condition through my illnesses and recovery periods and stuff. Hard weird lessons.

My main question is, how is the revolution going to be for persons with mental health issues like me who are dependent on stability of routine and medications from Big Pharma??? It's a little scary. I don't want to go off the rails during tumultuous global events. Cause people would be really really REALLY annoyed by my insights of the situation if I was manic again. And I would get sores on my feet again.

It will be FOUR MUTHAFUCKIN YEARS since I have been in the hospital starting about end of May! Hurray! I am a little nervous because it was four years before THAT that I was in the hospital. Which means I am worried I am Due For Another Episode.

EPISODE #3 of My Manic Life: Thirza goes manic while a revolution sweeps across Canada and wanders around from KFC to KFC spending her paycheque on Toonie Tuesday in an effort to support David Suzuki who, really, looks like Colonel Sanders! Some birdhouses are found and dutifully brought home even though a cat lives with her who eats birds.

NooooO! Someone STOP IT FROM HAPPENING!

Last night I had to pop a sleeping pill. And then I had this sex dream with this girl who suddenly said "I don't want you touching me like that!" and going away. Ha ha ha, omg! And then David Suzuki's Nephew was there? ? ? And all these people wanted to get their pictures taken with him. Needless to say by then the sex dream part was over.

I'm glad I have take as needed sleeping pills, they have REALLY helped me out.